Smoke Sesh - magic mushrooms, dating yourself, and thrift tips

Episode Date: December 2, 2021

Happy Thursday everyoneee also thank you for making me #4 in the top education podcasts that’s insane, today we’re gonna talk everything from when hannah started taking magic mushrooms and some bad experiences, what the ideal day looks like when you’re dating yourself, new relationships, healing anxious attachment and emotional avoidance in new relationships, and the best ways to thrift. Hope you all are lighting up and having an incredible Thursday, welcome to Smoke Sesh with Hannah.

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know, someone to look out for them. Some people call me their internet big sister, others their fairy smoke mother. You can call me Hannah, the new host of Smoke Sash. So come hang out, let's light up and talk everything there is to life. Some good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing. I've got a story for it all. Good morning, everybody. It's Thursday.

oh my motherfucking god spotify wrapped came out yesterday which like personally spotify wrapped every year is not a very exciting moment for me because like i just listen to music i don't really consume it oh wait i guess i do consume it i just listen to music i don't really care about like what's my most popular i really only care about like the um big playlists they generate at the end of the year with all of your like top music that you played though that's what i really look forward to i don't really care who my top artist was um like i don't really have anything to brag about i'll read you um what they were in a second but this year i had a different viewpoint as in my podcast had its own spotify wrapped like i had my own rankings and my own

information and that was fucking mind-blowing because listen up do you want to hear something crazy we charted baby we charted and we've been charting 16 days that's fucking insane 16 days in the top um i think wellness and education podcast and the highest that we've reached is number nine that's crazy that's insane i cried yesterday so many of you guys are sending me screenshots oh my god this is my top podcast this is my top podcast thank you guys so much thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you i cannot express how much like i appreciate you guys showing up every week and hanging out with me it is such a fun time i have a fucking blast with you guys and i hope you guys have a good time too so thank you it means it means the world to

me like the fact that we charted are you kidding are you kidding I didn't think anybody was gonna listen to the podcast and the fact that we've been charting for 16 days also so many people I don't like my podcast cover is not a picture of my face which I like it makes it like you know anonymous it's fun if you know if you want to figure out who I am then you could just like go to my social medias like I have so many of them if you want to find me my instagram is at hannah marlene and then my tiktok is smokes as shoddy um but everybody was like i posted a tiktok video and people were like that's you that's your podcast bitch i've been seeing that everywhere and i did not know that was your podcast yeah that's me hi um and then everybody

else was like oh i keep seeing that on my spotify recommended but i haven't listened yet bitch sit down and listen i hope you're listening right now please i'm begging i want everybody to join and hang out and have a good time but anyways i'll show you guys what my um personal spotify um charts were like what the fuck i listen to also if you guys are interested in me making a sesh playlist i did that last year um and it did pretty well i think it has like a thousand likes right now but if you want me to make a new sesh playlist like all my favorite um songs all my favorite music to smoke too let me know but my top artists this year were drum roll please uh as no surprise callie uchi's coming in at number one i love that bitch um to be honest most of my

favorite stuff of hers is on youtube it's like the underground shit um but she's a queen love her number two the marias absolutely i feel like that's they're low-key male or oh my what am i trying to say the marias are low-key female manipulator music but i'm obsessed with them they have like such a dreamy vibe to them obsessed number three um this is the gemini and me and my ego coming out kanye west uh what can i say what can i say he hypes me up like no other and i will continue listening to him love him number four which i'm surprised was not number three or number two k trinada i would probably consider him one of my like top artists one of my favorite artists i'm surprised it's not higher up there but 10 out of 10 love k trinada insanely talented some of the

best beats i've ever heard please go give a listen it's my dream to go see him live but he isn't playing anywhere near me i low-key just need to buy a ticket and fly out and go see him because it'd be so worth it but next number five no shock mac miller um a classic gotta have that in there just uplifts the vibes of uplifts the spirit i don't know but those were my top five let me know your top five let me know what showed up on yours i'm very interested to see i love seeing everybody spotify wrapped i'm not even gonna lie everybody used to be like oh it's so annoying don't post your fucking Spotify rap no one cares bitch I care and I love you and I want to know who your favorite artists are to get to know and understand you better anyways also I'm so sorry actually

low-key really funny I completely forgot to throw in an intro like an intro like um everybody needs a favorite godmother you know what I mean um on my last podcast episode so apologies I told you guys i told you there were gonna be moments where i straight up mess up and i straight up forgot the whole intro yesterday so or not yesterday tuesday i'm getting my little if you guys drinking out of vintage cutesy little ceramic cups for my coffee make me happier than anything in the world if you like are an avid coffee drinker and here was my issue i would always go out for coffee i would always go buy it from somewhere because i was like when i make it at home it's not the same i don't like it i'm just picky and i have to drink out of a cute item if

you need like i'm gonna make a generalized statement about women this doesn't mean that's true it's just me just making a generalized statement if you give some a girl she doesn't want to do something if you make it cute and fashionable in some way they're gonna want to do it like i was not about making coffee at home and putting them in these ugly little pink cups that we had sitting around but i'm all about putting my homemade home hand poured coffee in my cute little vintage ceramic mugs all about it um so that's how i am saving money now even though i have a shit ton of money now that i'm serving i have a spending issue and i'm trying to solve that a lot of you guys ask for like finance tips how to save money how to make money and i think like

my number one tip quite honestly um is you guys need to side hustle whatever that's gonna be i don't know what that could be for you for me personally um like side hustles can be anything from like selling old clothes on depop getting a second job um doing like it's really easy to get a side hustle especially if you're um in the like a creative in the creative industry very easy to find little freelance stuff for me personally i can't give great examples because a lot of the shit i do is like um freelance art stuff so illustrations tattoo work um i just partnered with tinder for like some content creation just like things like that and i just let those approach me um i don't have like a manager i wish i had a manager i don't have like a manager to set those

up for me so right now like all my money's coming from serving and content creation i don't make jack shit from podcasting this is just like funsy something that i'm doing so i don't go fucking insane so I'm hoping you guys are here listening in the hopes of not going insane as well and we can just vibe together in that sense but when it comes to budgeting um I think oh my god what is her name what is her name hold on I have to find Madeline Pendleton I know you know who I'm talking about um she owns oh fuck what does she own i don't know the company she owns but it's a clothing company oh tunnel vision shop tunnel vision madeline underscore pendleton on tiktok is my fucking favorite for financial advice she has like a financial playlist and she goes over

how she um budgets as a low-income person living in LA I am not a low-income person living low income person living in LA so like the budgeting that I need to do is maybe not as strict as hers but the way she goes about it and the way she plans is a very helpful way so essentially it's just like you take all of your necessaries you compile those knowing how much you're going to to pay every month and how much money you're relatively gonna make every month um and then you have like you put a majority of it into savings which is very important something that i'm still learning how to do um not withdrawing from your savings either and then having a very very minimal um fun budget or like going out budget you know what i mean look to her i think

she has some great shit set up i'm still a 22 little girl with financial troubles and many loans to pay off so i'm not sure if i am the best candidate to give financial advice but go look at her she's like another great internet big sister love her all right and we're gonna kick our morning off with um some shrooms no i'm not eating them i wish i was i have to like drive places today so unfortunately i will not be eating any mushrooms i actually haven't done mushrooms in a while but i've been getting a lot of questions asking me tell psychedelic stories do you eat mushrooms have you done acid and i've told i've told acid stories on here before um but i've never talked about mushrooms and mushrooms are high key like my favorite thing like out of everything i

mean other than molly but that's more of like an addiction i don't consider my mushrooms usage an addiction it was more so like i really enjoyed the effects of them so over um quarantine or the pandemic hold on let me take a sip of my coffee um i started eating a lot of mushrooms a lot a lot of mushrooms like I invested in a few ounces for myself personally and to like sell off um that I could just use throughout the entire pandemic so for like a span of a year that I was not working I was eating mushrooms like every other day if not every three days which is I don't recommend that um what i'm trying to explain here is that i have a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot of experience lots of experience um and i love them i think they're great i think they're so eye-opening

i think when you take them it's nothing like you really want will expect before it makes you do some deep diving in on yourself it's not as overly stimulating as maybe acid or molly might be to the senses um it's more so stimulating to your brain does that make sense i love mushrooms because it makes me feel like i still have a a sense of control on myself um the only sense of control i'm semi missing is my brain and i kind of just let that shit wander and do whatever because it helps me answer questions that i maybe wasn't thinking about ideas that i maybe wasn't thinking about um just different things that could possibly help me in the future but yeah I got into mushrooms when I met my boyfriend um second time we ever hung out was like the first time I

really ate mushrooms like really ate mushrooms um first time I really ate mushrooms was in college but I only ate a few and I was super drunk so like I don't think I really felt anything I think i just ate them and then spent two more hours awake and then passed the fuck out so when i first really ate them it it i was in for a little surprise my boyfriend is the sweetest boy when i went over to this man's house okay so this is so funny okay so at the beginning of the pandemic i was still living with my parents and i moved out relatively soon after um i was still living with my parents and the reason I moved out was because they were being very strict with where I was going what I was doing during the pandemic and although I was being safe they were just

trying to make sure like I wasn't leaving the house and that in my mind was crazy like if I wanted to go through a drive-thru I should be able to go through a drive-thru if I wanted to go hang out with this guy that is now my boyfriend I should be able to go hang out with him or go to work and my parents were not about that so it was like high school all fucking over again I was like 21 i was having to sneak out of my house at like 10 o'clock at night once my parents went to sleep and then i would drive to this man's house my boyfriend not this man it's so funny um i would drive to my boyfriend's house um well the first time i drove to his house and it was like 11 o'clock 11 30 when i showed up he had already eaten some mushrooms and i show up

and he's kind of you know on a high level and i was like okay is this what we're getting into tonight like we eating some mushrooms okay walk upstairs to his room he such he's such a sweet boy moved everything out of the middle of his room so he could lay down like multiple layers of blankets on the floor pillows all on the floor and like against his bed so like there were no like harsh corners and made this like cute little like comfortable bed area space on the ground and then had this table set up with all his like mushrooms and all his different types of dabs and all his like weed and had like fun music on and colored lights i walked in i was like oh we're taking mushrooms like we're eating some mushrooms he gets me some orange juice we throw some mushrooms in

there I eat them I start tripping balls I mean after 30 minutes I start tripping balls and it's set in once I took a fat fucking dab and when I tell you I was manually breathing I was going through it now it wasn't as bad as the first or as the time I took like 10 grams but um the first time you take mushrooms is very intense because your brain is like freaking out because it doesn't know what's happening um it just feels uh sensory a little bit intense um mind a little bit intense um you you see like slight movements in your vision here's the thing it's like i feel like when people think mushrooms and haven't taken mushrooms they think midsummer and midsummer is a very terrifying scary movie and also involves psychedelics so like don't think that um it's very

much so like love and light and having a good time and giddy and bubbly feelings now it can take a dark path and take dark turns um the same way any psychedelic can um any trip can but really if you feel like you're in a comfortable mental space you're with good people you're in an environment that you will feel safe then i think you will have a fantastic time i am 10 out of 10 a huge advocate for anything that's like naturally found um so like weed and mushrooms i personally think i have nothing wrong with either of those um i haven't had really any horrible horrible experiences or bad side effects or anything like that from either of those other than like just try not to overuse them but that's kind of what comes any substance but i am tripping balls on mushrooms

in this man's room I say man because he's my boyfriend but he wasn't my boyfriend at the time so to me little Hannah sitting in this room is just like some man you know what I mean like I met him like twice and I'm tripping balls we hang out for a little bit he passes out this is like four hours later I'm still tripping balls still still he passes out the whole like he had a whole gorillas album play and that fucking like my what was mind-blowing to listen to the gorillas is incredible when you're tripping um and then i like i think i passed out for 30 minutes and woke up and then it was 5 30 a.m and i was like i need to drive back home before my parents wake up and realize i disappeared because at that point in time in the pandemic my parents

thought i was just leaving um at night to go smoke in my car and then come back no mom and dad um i was going to my boyfriend's house and uh eating mushrooms and then driving back at like 5 a.m before you guys woke up that's what was happening um don't recommend although it did work pretty well for me but yeah that's how i was introduced and then i went out and bought me a like two pound bag and ate them all throughout the summer and i think it gave me a great outlook on life i think it really helped with my depression i think it helped me kind of put things into perspective not take things super seriously it made me appreciate the little things look forward to the little things look forward to um routines look forward to being one with nature being one

with my friends um and kind of pushing away the bullshit and I think it was a great um thing that I stumbled upon is super beneficial for some people um I talked a little bit I don't know if I talked a little bit about microdosing um I personally find didn't really do a whole lot of microdosing but I do like microdosing right now um like when I was first taking shrooms I'd be like okay i'm gonna have like a trip let's eat like three to five grams you know what i mean now i'm like i'll eat like a little cap a little stem and get like a little buzz that is more ideal than like a full-blown trip because i've i've had too many full-blown trips i also had a full-blown trip one time where um me and my boyfriend my parents were out of town he came over and we put

like five to six grams in this tea kettle and the thing with making shroom tea there's so many ways you can eat shrooms um i usually just straight up eat them they taste a little gross but it's not too bad you know what i mean like if you fucking had raw molly if you if you've gummed molly that shit tastes worse than anything on this planet so like yeah i can eat a few things that grew out of the ground i don't really care um but you can also make a tea here's the thing with tea that no one really told me or i had no idea to look up the potency increases the longer you steep it and if you add lemon now we brewed that shit for a long time five grams five to six grams that's a lot and then we put lemon in it which heightened it and then we both drank a cup and

like oh oh there were like disgusting crusties at the bottom of the tea and we like ate them oh my god this shit kicked in and it felt like someone had punched me in the face not to mention this shit kicked in mid-sex this man was thrusting into me I was like I don't know oh I was definitely in doggy because I was in doggy and my boyfriend stopped and he was like is it do you feel it and I was like yeah like yeah if I feel like not like like if it's like something just punched me in the face he was like yeah me too I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick he like ran to the bathroom and I really thought nothing of it because I was going through my own personal hell as soon as they kicked in like I was trying to like just breathe and get through it so I wasn't really paying

attention to why he went to the bathroom but he was like after he was like i thought i was gonna throw up he thought because like shrooms can make you a little bit nauseous especially because we ate a whole bowl of mac and cheese before we um drank the tea which was not a good idea if you're gonna eat eat two hours before but yeah he sprinted to the bathroom and he was like i thought i was gonna fucking throw up all over your back while i was fucking a doggy i didn't want to do that so I ran to the bathroom I was like thank you um if you would have done that I would have been so upset so and then that happened and then you're like okay we just need to like make it through this trip like at that point in my mind I was like I just need to get through this it was just

like too much stimulation for my brain and my body so me and my boyfriend sat on my floor crisscross applesauce like we just sat with our legs around each other with our head foreheads pressed against each other and like mac miller was on or something for hours and we just sat there just breathing just breathing just breathing that's it just like foreheads like shoved against each other just like trying to breathe through it and then eventually we had a breakthrough and things were good and there was a turn up and we eventually passed out but tea be careful please i'm begging you be careful because could you imagine if that man threw up on my back i would have been pissed i would have been pissed anyways i don't know

there's just a few basic rules when it comes to mushrooms make sure you're in a safe environment and with good people and you have a good mindset okay make sure you know where these are coming from if they're like ground up powdered shrooms no don't eat them if they are whole shrooms yes you're good try and look into asking um wherever you get them from the dealer what kind they are because um the different kinds give you a little bit different trips so then you can research it a little bit more if you're a little nervous um 10 out of 10 recommend don't eat two hours prior um or eat two hours prior to tripping if you eat closer you're gonna get nauseous you're essentially giving yourself like food poisoning in a sense um so make sure there's like little to no food

in your stomach um definitely eat before though so like you know time it out so your body can process it i don't know also my favorite way to eat them is throw them on a piece of food i think crushing them up and trying to make them into a tea is a poor choice considering my last story um i just throw them in some orange juice drink some champagne that's the way to do it easy peasy okay let's talk side effects of smoking and yes i'm saying side effects and yes i'm using the term smoking as in weed because side effect a weed does give you side effects contrary to popular popular belief of all of these long-haired dreadhead hippie boys on the internet i think they know everything about weed but they really don't um because i think it's very

important and i've been getting a lot of questions like how do i um like how do i stop the anxiety when i smoke how do i stop feeling weird how do i stop here's the thing you straight up have to view these things as side effects when you consume weed you are going to get some anxiousness some anxiety okay depending on what strain you smoke um a sativa is probably going to be a little bit uh well i think it all depends for personal preference but for me personally a sativa is gonna initiate that overwhelming sense of like anxiety a little bit more you know that heightened heartbeat that um you get a little like sweaty um like you just get nervous you know what i mean those are absolutely what i like to call side effects it's not you it's not you freaking out

okay it happens to everybody okay so it's not something wrong with you inherently it's straight up just a side effect of weed and if you look at it that way you'll be able to handle um those effects better because you know it's not you okay when i smoke i consume weed i get anxiety and then i start thinking it's my like my anxiety myself i freak out more because i don't know how to control myself right um but if i smoke and i feel that anxiety coming on you know the little heart palpitation moment vibe um and i know that it's a side effect of weed i can control that more because i know it's not me i know it's not my like anxiety and it's not peaking for like reasons that i need to be anxious about it's just peaking because i am inhaled weed i can control those

feelings a lot more i can rationalize to myself talk myself down be like hey girl like give it 20 minutes things will be okay you know what i mean i really think you need to look at them as side effects and not as um like something's wrong with you okay because weed does cause these things and no one likes to talk about them everybody only likes to talk about the positives of weed because there's a lot of positives there's a lot of good things but the anxiousness and the anxiety it's a side effect um the more you encounter it the more you'll understand how to handle it um if you are able to power through just like rationalize say like a great tip is being able to talk to yourself and be like well i can't get higher than i am right now so there's only going

down from here if you are too high or like greened out just try and rationalize your thoughts i guarantee um it's not you you're not going crazy though all right i think every girl has been in this situation before and i've even received dms before about this so let me read you this question um oh shit where the fuck did it go oh should i be upset that my boyfriend likes bikini pics of girls in our hometown the silence i feel like every woman can relate to this question i feel like every woman has caught their man at some point or a man at some point in some other girl's likes and i feel like every woman has also probably been gaslit in this situation as well because i see a lot of um men telling women or women like making videos

and being like well he said i was just being dramatic he said i was just being controlling he just said blah blah blah pause pause pause okay you're not being dramatic you're not being controlling here's what needs to happen a relationship is all about communication period if you can't communicate you probably should not be in a relationship i know that sounds harsh but like straight up a relationship is all about communication those people cannot read your mind okay you know how many situations you've probably been in like frustrated like uh how does this person feel about me why don't they just tell me because they don't communicate and they don't know how straight up you need to be a good communicator to be in a relationship now for your situation

like for your situation i don't know if you've talked about it before if you've brought it up to him if you've been scared to bring it up to him because you don't want to seem like crazy you're not gonna seem crazy okay you need to talk to him if you have not already had the talk and you need to be like listen this behavior that you are doing I know it seems inherently innocent but it is causing me to feel I feel like usually when um men like other girls pictures it makes women feel uh it can like get in their brain a little bit and maybe like itch at the little insecure part of your brain that you maybe don't want to be itched by um so just be like it makes me feel insecure i don't want to feel those things and i try really hard to avoid

feeling those things so if you could help me out by not liking these pictures that would be great thank you that that is a very reasonable statement it's a very reasonable request okay if your man calls you controlling or crazy or whatever after that you need to leave immediately i am not even fucking playing because if he can't control himself in someone's fucking likes then where the fuck else is he not gonna be able to control himself i know oh man anyways um now if you have had that talk with him you know what I mean hey I don't like this and you see it again that is straight up just like the questioning of if he breaks this boundary what other boundaries is he gonna break what other things are he gonna is he gonna feel okay breaking and that's a really

hard question because who knows and that's scary okay I know it's just likes I know it maybe is not that serious but you need to be able to control or not control um communicate your feelings how you feel or why you feel them and what change you want to occur and if that person can't do that then there is some major major issues especially when it's just like likes on instagram if you're like hey just don't like the half naked pictures like i would just really appreciate that and they're like oh sorry no i can't do that that is a fucking issue okay that's a straight up an issue and i don't know it's up to you if you leave them but girl i would run for the hills i had a girl dm me one time and was like like shout out to her she's a real one for doing this she dm me she's

like hey um my boyfriend likes your stuff he likes your pictures a lot and um I know it you inherently aren't doing anything wrong like you're just being yourself so I don't want to be upset with you but I'm feeling insecure from these actions and I don't know what to do and I'm just like a girl who's like confused and he's saying I'm crazy and I was like whoa like I have never received a message like this before i didn't know this was happening so like of course i was like girl no like you are in the right your man should not be in my likes like that is very odd behavior you need to communicate with him you know you need to tell him how you feel and if he can't adequately live up to these behaviors that you're expecting which like these behaviors you're

expecting are very minimal like not that big of a deal like just don't fucking like half naked pictures of women um and if they can't do that then there's a fundamental issue wrong there straight up but stop letting these men gaslight you into thinking you're crazy because that happens a ton women will be like oh but my man likes half-naked pictures but it doesn't get to me i'm like i know it gets to you just be honest with him tell him to stop and if he doesn't stop then you might have to leave girl because you need to raise your standards a little bit i think it's very it's a pretty medium tier standard to be like don't don't like the half naked pictures that's all i ask i thought it was a baller thing though that she messaged me about it instead of

being like getting upset with me because i feel like a lot of women see other women's behavior on the internet and judge them for it when in reality it is not the female's fault that she's feeling herself and posting good pictures of herself posting hot pictures of herself however she wants to express herself that is not the fundamental issue women should be able to do that women should be able to post whatever they want and feel confident and good about themselves that is it should be if i run for president that's what i'm running on let women post what they want the issue inherently falls in you need to we need to control the creepy men okay you should be able to post whatever you want but like if the men are gonna be creepy and weird that is what's wrong

you know it's the behavior of the men so talk to your man talk to him if it's upsetting you especially if it's like you said it's specifically girls from your hometown which is like odd because you could possibly run into them you know when it's like a three million instagram model that they can't pull or whatever you're like okay whatever but if it's from your hometown there's no reason and if you're feeling upset by it talk to him and if he can't control himself then you might need to leave amen so someone wanted me to walk them through how to date yourself which is like great question every day that i spend alone is like a date with myself and it's incredible um but here's the thing every date requires some planning and unfortunately well although i'm

mentally ill and there's many bitches living inside my head i am only one whole bitch and i am in charge of all the planning there's no like oh secret fun surprise you know what i mean unless i plan it for myself like months in advance and forget about it so let me tell you what i'm gonna do today because it's very much so a date day i'm just hanging out um other than recording this podcast is only like a little bit of work i have to do today i don't have much going on so here's how i'm gonna here's how i'm spending my day today i woke up um washed my face made myself a great cup of coffee okay now i'm just laying in bed straight up it's nine o'clock i probably woke up at 7 30 my boyfriend left for work um uh drinking coffee laying in bed that's how i like

to start my day i it's a little lethargic i know i do i'm not the kind of person who's like all 8 a.m i gotta go for a run but like if you are props that is fucking insane for me personally i like to lay in bed you know soak it up drink my coffee um let my brain fucking turn on completely before i go and do the rest of my stuff so it's like nine i'll probably do this until about 10 then i'll get hungry and um i'll make myself one of my favorite foods now with how much i smoke i have to eat pretty early in the day or else my tummy gets super upset with me so right now my favorite comfort food is um breakfast burritos i've been making breakfast burritos like crazy just to fry up a potato fry up two eggs if you have spinach throw it in there any like veggies

that are gonna go bad in your fridge throw it in there some cheese boom veggie or breakfast burrito incredible throw some salsa on that bitch some hot sauce 10 out of 10 and it's portable you can throw that shit in a baggie take it anywhere you go love it so i'll probably cook one of those here in a little bit once i get hungry do a little face mask um and then i'll do my hair and pick out a killer outfit for the day that represents how i feel inside and how i want to express myself today i don't really know what that outfit's gonna be yet right now i'm naked laying in bed every time i record a podcast i'm naked laying in bed straight up people are like i want i want you to video record it well girl i'd have to put it on a different kind of website because

uh it's just way more comfortable when i'm comfortable and naked and laying in bed so i'll figure out an outfit but something it's very important to me that i dress in a way that's going to make me feel confident and comfortable for the rest of the day um depending on whatever the weather is and how i'm feeling inside but after that um my plans are i'm gonna go to the plaza this afternoon i need to go finish up some christmas shopping i'm gonna maybe do some shopping for myself stop at urban outfitters for some basics um and then i also want to go by barnes and noble and get a new journal or i just got a new book so i won't be getting a new book um the book i'm reading right now actually if you guys want to join i posted it on my instagram

story but it's homesick for another world it's a collection of short stories um i like it so far it's pretty good i went through two chapters but i need a new um everyday daily journal and some pens so i'm gonna go treat myself to that and then probably go to my house smoke some weed lay around for a little bit make some content you know what i mean um because i do really enjoy making content and i like getting high and just getting creative in my room and dressing up and having fun and then i'll probably um rendezvous with my boyfriend around dinner time again um either well if i was gonna date myself though if i like wasn't gonna see him today i'd probably take myself out to dinner um a little cocktail somewhere maybe some pho i just had pho and it

was incredible which is like the best food um during the winter time or just any time it makes you feel so good after you eat it so warm love it go have like a little cocktail somewhere go have a night your favorite food whatever it is go out though i really really really love eating alone i think you really guys you really need to experience it i think eating alone inside picking it up and then going home although it's like yes great it's comfortable try getting out of your comfort zone just like being around other people or like maybe sitting at a bar and talking to the bartender it makes you feel like you socialized even if you didn't socialize okay it makes you feel a lot better put on some headphones listen watch your favorite movie while

you're eating no one cares i'm a server i get single tops all the time people are always like i'm afraid to go do stuff by myself no one cares no one cares no one cares as long as you tip me well at the end of the day like i don't care as a server you don't even have to tip me well because the single tables are like so easy to take care of because you guys are always super nice and you don't really like to be bothered so i just like make sure your water's filled and you're chilling you know what i mean go get yourself your favorite food for dinner okay go home turn on a good movie maybe do a face mask rip your bong take some cute pics do whatever you do at night it's all about just doing your favorite things you know what i mean and they don't always have to involve spending

money maybe you're gonna go home and cook yourself a nice home-cooked meal I love doing that as well especially if it's like my favorite meal I love just spending a few hours in the kitchen and not thinking putting on some good music and just you know cooking a good meal I love that it's a great way to bond with yourself just hang out but if I was gonna date myself and go through like a day in my life that would really really be it quite honestly just do all your favorite things all the little things that make you happy get out of your house at least one or two times um because you cannot live inside your house all the time you will go fucking insane even though well yeah you guys i'm ready for another vacation straight up the last vacation i went to was la in june

june i try and go on like four vacations a year or like four little trips because i live really close to colorado so it's easy to just like fly out there for a weekend you know have a good time but i'm ready to go on another trip i'm not sure if i want to do like a colorado mountain trip this winter or like maybe go somewhere like warmer no idea i will probably go to new york this summer that'll be a good little trip i haven't been there since i was 16 so it'll be fun to go back for just like a sec but yeah if you guys have any ideas where do you want to see me go i have no idea i also want to get out of the country um i would love to like well what a fucking new variant i don't know if that's gonna happen but eventually i'd love to um

maybe move abroad for a few months or something i think that would be super fun my dad was like you know what are your what's your goals for five years from now i was like whoa that's a lot to think about rick um i don't i'm not sure why do fathers always ask you like such deep questions like that how much is in your savings account what's your five-year plan I don't know I just came over here to like say hi I didn't I didn't know I was gonna be interrogated damn fathers are just so intense all right I think this question is a little bit longer one but it's um very important to touch on because a lot of you guys have been asking similar things so um let me read it to you oh shit sorry you guys always have like intros and

I really love them because you guys are always super nice okay so some advice for the podcast about four months ago i got out of a really toxic relationship and a week ago i got into this new one this dude treats me um so perfectly he's so respectful and so loving about the environment equal rights and like dot dot dot it feels almost too good to be true even though i know for a fact we both really like each other how do i stop myself from having all these lasting trust issues and fears from my last relationship like i know he's a completely different person that um from my ex but the trauma responses from my last relationship keep giving me anxiety that i don't want oh my god can we have a round of applause for that question i love this question i feel like a

lot of you a lot of women um ask me things thinking i'm like a toxic woman i in fact am not like people be like how do I get revenge how do I blah blah blah like I support women's toxic behaviors I personally do not give out toxic advice or um I try not to do toxic things because I'm trying to be a better person but a lot of you guys will try and ask me like how do I play the game how do I play men how do I do all this and it's like that's not what I am about I'm about like love straight up I love love I love love I love I love feeling love I love trying to find the right love when you find the right love is the most intense beautiful thing I think so when you approach these new relationships you have the perfect perfect mindset I know that a

I have trauma responses from my last relationship because it probably wasn't the best thing for me and I escaped a bad situation and you be know that this new person is not like your last person and you want to treat them better and you want to do better and be good for them that is incredible because I feel like a lot of people cannot even start there a lot of people don't even start with that mindset you know like you are already 10 steps ahead of the game because everybody in this day and age is going into relationships not even going into a relationship it's going into who's gonna win who's gonna win who is gonna win on the other end of this and that's not how you need to think about things because you guys have to be on the same team and if you're not on the

same team then it's not gonna work okay a lot of these women are like especially and men too they go into relationships and they're like i need to protect myself because i didn't in my last relationship and like yes there's different ways of protecting yourself but you don't need to be emotionally closed off and manipulative and avoidant um because this other person hurt me this other person hurt me and i don't want to get hurt again okay cool every person you're gonna encounter is not that person okay and you do need to give people the benefit of the doubt and you do need to give people a chance to prove to you that they are a good person and if they prove to you they're a shitty person then babe you need to leave there's no winning you know what i

mean but if they're proving to you like you said it seems like they're very respectful very nice very caring very kind it seems like a very different kind of person from your ex and you know you want to be with them and continue a relationship with them you do just have to be very aware of like trauma responses um that you do have and you need to be very open and honest with your new partner about communication especially during those times my thing i shut down a lot like i just shut down i have me bringing astrology into it i have a lot of mutable signs in my chart no but like um i shut down a lot that's my thing if i get upset get overwhelmed get whatever i'll just shut down i just i have a really hard time communicating so prior to this

happening communicating with my current partner and being like i have these tendencies um i was in a relationship where there was a lot of fighting like i was always kind of on the um defensive like i don't mean to argue with you i'm sorry like having a partner that knows these triggers knows these things you've been through helps them understand later on down the road when these issues do arise okay um like if you've been cheated on and you're worried about getting cheated on again bring that up in your car in your um in your new relationship hey i want to trust you i want to completely trust you fully and vulnerable vulnerably and i want this love to be pure um i was cheated on in a prior relationship so i am gonna have a little bit of anxiety but i

do want you to know that i trust you and i want you to keep that trust and then maybe explain like things that they can do to help or show trust or say maybe that means you're gonna need um some more what is it like uh anyways uh you just gotta explain to them straight up you gotta explain to them what you went through why you're a little fucking insane you know it's the same reason you have like a mental health talk with your uh future partners like yeah i'm depressed can you handle that you know what i mean hey i'm a little fucked up for my ex can you handle that and if they can't they're a pussy and they can leave you know they can go off do their own thing if they're not gonna treat you right because somebody out there a thousand percent somebody out there is gonna

ride for you like no one else has somebody out there is going to love you harder than anybody else has i'm so sorry you've put up with shitty people in your past understand your behavior understand where it stems from explain to your partner and um talk to your partner about previous experiences on both sides with your experiences and theirs so you can understand them when they're maybe going through an episode or they're maybe having some behavior that you do not understand and try and keep that open honest sense of communication alive so when these issues do arise that maybe stem from past um trauma with exes then you can talk about it you can openly communicate about it okay like i said you're on the same team you guys have to be very honest with

each other um another thing with communication tell people you like them tell people you like them i'm begging you if you feel some sort of way about somebody else and you don't know if they feel the same tell them tell them do it do it pussy pussy you won't tell them i i'm daring you i double triple dog dare you go tell them how you feel oh my god i just slurred all of those words i'm so sorry but like what's worse it's gonna happen huh they're gonna say no okay boom there's your answer you you don't have to go through any more agony any waiting any oh my god do they feel this way about me no now you know and it's either a yes or a no okay and if it's a maybe uh that's hard uh i don't know if maybe is an accurate answer but if it's a yes then you got your

answer if it's a no then you can leave okay i'm tired of these people being like well i don't know if this person likes me or not i don't know if this man likes me i don't know if this man wants me bitch did you ask him did you ask him okay put men on on the spot 2021 it's almost 2022 put men on the spot 2022 ask them how they feel confront them okay i had to do that to my boyfriend because they're so fucking confusing and you don't know how they feel even though it's in their mind it seems like they're they are open and honestly telling you how they feel they're not because men are kind of hard to understand sometimes you have to sit down and be like do you fucking like me do you want me yes or no and i'm gonna be honest the answer is usually yes

so like don't worry um but if it's no then boom you got your answer and you can get the fuck out there and find someone who's gonna treat you good okay but to the girl who's going through this um attachment issues maybe some like um relationship anxiety um just understanding it better and knowing where it stems from and keeping an open line of communication between you and part you and your partner is like priority so i've also been like a very anxiously attached partner for a majority of my life um because up until my current partner my current partner makes me feel very secure and safe and I love him so much and he is chef's kiss he was crafted from the gods for me but um in past relationships I kind of developed an anxious attachment style because

these men would like disappear on me or like would get confusing on how they feel about me um would not talk to me silent treatment yell at me um all the abusive stuff you can think of and it fucks you up it fucks you up it it fucks you up and somebody asked me should i like be in a relationship in high school like how do you feel about high school relationships personally like the later you can get into a relationship in life the better okay i didn't lose my virginity until I was like 19 I didn't get into a relationship until I was like 19 which I should have waited longer okay the longer you wait the more you focus on yourself the better because if you get into a relationship not even knowing who you are which happens a lot and that's okay like

you don't have to know who you are but you need to have some sort of understanding of or like sense of yourself or else people are going to walk all over you straight up people are going to take advantage of you they're going to do whatever they want they're going to treat you however you want and however they want and you're probably going to take it because you don't know um how to set boundaries how to stand up for yourself you know what i mean i feel like it's a very common thing people go through now if you're a young person you have a very strong sense of yourself whatever i don't really care what you do but personally in my experience i would probably say avoid relationships for as long as you can um 20s great time to start dating I think it's a great time

um but really like when you're a kid when you're in high school when you're even in college I think it's very important to focus on yourself because you're growing and changing so much throughout those times and it's kind of hard to do with a partner because they're also growing and changing um and it's even harder to do with an abusive partner so yeah I don't know I would just say avoid relationships in high school i also feel like a lot of the people that i know who are in relationships in high school like got super fucked up from it and have a lot of trauma and then like avoid dating people for a long time so i don't know kind of up to you and what you do but personally for me i would say avoid relationships until your 20s or until you have like a good

sense of self like a very strong sense of self because people especially narcissistic abusive men will come in here and try and warp your mind um and make you forget who you are and that's not okay and you gotta know who you are so when these things happen you can be like uh-uh shut the fuck up i know who i am don't tell me these things but yeah i don't know with anxious attachment um styles in general the only thing that happened or only thing that really like saved my anxious attachment and like stopped it from happening was just having a partner who like loved and cared for me accurately i know i know i know like he communicates with me if he if something's going on you know there's no like awkwardness there's no tension he doesn't

purposefully ignore me like he thinks about me he texts me when he's when something's going on you know what i mean the the thing that solved my anxious attachment was meeting somebody who could accurately communicate back to me okay like that was really all it took and that's kind of shocking and surprising because i thought it would take like a a cure all some something magical to happen for to make me not feel anxious this man like i would be anxious if he didn't respond to me for like a few hours because i'd be like oh my god is he hurt does he not like me anymore like what is going on because in the past like people had withheld um talking to me as a way of like punishment as a way of like showing they're mad but like not actually solving the issue

and instead so then that like that like space of not talking would freak me out and then now it doesn't freak me out because i i know he'll just talk to me if something's wrong like it is that simple it is so simple you just need to find someone that matches your needs and will like accurately match your needs and when you speak up for yourself listens and matches those needs that you're speaking up for okay that is like what is most important in a relationship okay and then on the other hand of anxious attachment I feel like there's emotional emotionally avoidant like there's anxious attachment which means like you're overly attached to somebody and then you get like super anxious over it because you like have no control

but then there's emotional avoidant which is like um purposefully avoiding their emotions straight up is what it is i low-key feel like i can't although i can't speak for my boyfriend i feel like he had that at the beginning because um some shit with his ex and i think he was just like a single boy somewhere and then he met me and he was like oh shit i love this woman but he definitely like needed to kind of do some like internal healing and stuff so he was a little bit emotionally avoidant of me and like how my anxious attachment healed when he proved as to as he proved himself as a open and honest communicator and somebody who was going to consistently be there for me and my anxious attachment healed through that um i think his

emotional um what the fuck is it called emotional detachment healed through um me just like constantly proving that I was going to show up and be there for him and I wasn't going to run off and like disappear someday and like hurt him like I was there for him I wanted to be a good partner you know what I mean I think as a partner you do just have to show up and be there for your partner but it's also a very like important question is your partner showing up and being there for you too you know so if you guys don't know I'm obsessed with thrifting obsessed um um obsessed like my my room is full of clothes full so many clothes like I straight up need to have like a yard sale someday um I just drag all my clothes down to the local park and throw them

out in the grass and let people come by and buy them no but like I've been trying to sell them but uh there's this kansas city vintage flea group i'm pretty sure it's run by men because all they sell is like hype beast vintage men fashion and i have a ton of a ton of luxury women's vintage dolce and gabbana prada everything tons of it juicy couture i know that's not um designer but like 2000s pieces old um t-shirts like very like high-end stuff and i dm'd them i was like hey are you guys accepting female sellers right now red no response hey are you guys accepting new sellers right now red no response even though they like post and you're like we're doing new shit i'm like okay damn y'all just really don't want women here okay heard

i don't think that's the point but i just get salty over things and that's how i view them i view them as haters no that's a lie but um i have so much vintage clothes and i love thrifting i love it it's my favorite thing because as somebody who likes to consume okay i cannot consume from like a target or like a urban outfitters or like a sephora because my bank statement at the end of the day would be out it insane I can't afford that so what I can't afford is going to the thrift store and buying 10 items of clothing for $80 you know what I mean people are asking for like thrifting tips and tricks um for me personally I didn't get good at thrifting until I went to every single thrift store in my town figured out which thrift store had the best

inventory on a consistent basis in styles that I liked and I found one or two that I really enjoy and luckily they're close to my house now once you find those places you here's what you do here's here's gonna be your routine you're gonna wake up smoke a fat fucking bowl fat or whatever you smoke joint whatever sometimes I just show up in the parking lot and I smoke there it doesn't matter and then you're gonna go get coffee all right you're gonna go get a cold brew a double shot of espresso whatever's gonna give you the most caffeine you're gonna walk in that thrift store first rack you see you're gonna go through every single item yes i don't just grab whatever looks cool off the shelf i hand push through every item in that thrift store for three hours i go

through every rack i don't leave until i go through every rack everything babes everything men's clothing women's clothing i personally am a very small person and i like collecting vintage crop tops a lot of the crop tops show up in kids stuff a lot of the jumpsuits show up in kids stuff um don't buy like kids clothing but like if it's in your size and it's a women's shirt just buy it shoes all of my shoes are thrifted hats purses men's clothing um you can get sheets linens bed towels anything from the thrift store um tables desks couches chairs whatever anything you need the only reason that i find so many good things is because it's all hidden everything that i find that's really good is never just like oh like out and about you know it's like i have

hunted to find this shit oh i'm gonna go thrifting you know what the best piece of clothing i did ever find was this christian dior silk night dress beautiful beautiful fits me better than anything i've ever found at thrift store because sometimes you know thrift store um fits don't really fit correctly and you have to alter them a little bit this dress fits me beautiful christian your silk nightdress it was just hanging up um by the scarves i snatched that shit so fast five dollars boom added that to cart but yeah you really just have to go through everything like you can't spend 30 minutes you can't spend an hour you gotta go through every fucking item in that bitch to find all the good shit and i always bring a cart because

I'm always picky and I can't decide on what I want so I'll just throw it all in the cart and then I'll push my cart to like a mirror because they don't have like fitting rooms they have mirrors um at least my thrift store doesn't have fitting rooms because they just got really gross really quickly but and then I'll just push my little cart over to the mirror and look at it in the mirror and see if it'll work but that's about it and always try and um sign up for discounts they i always have a 20 off every time i go um try and go on good tag days i one time got this 1900s um suede and shearling lines like penny lane ballerina coat handmade by this um kansas city leather designer vintage you know how much i got this shit for 99 cents

yep it was behind a case this coat was behind a case it was priced as 159 dollars but i came in on a white tag day where all white tags were 99 cents i got that shit for 99 cents i know so pay attention to tags and pay attention to like what you're buying and what tag color they are because it's a that makes a huge difference but love thrifting I think it's a great way to find perfect staples fun pieces that maybe express um your authentic self a little bit better than like fast fashion pieces because you know relatively no one else is going to have that piece um it's a pretty unique piece um and that's how I think I collect most of my um fun funky pieces that I'm going to express myself through is absolutely from the thrift all my basics all like jeans

anything i'm going to wear a lot that are just like the accessory to the fun pieces i get those at like um a little bit high quality higher quality stores because i know i'm gonna wear them more often does that make sense also with the dating yourself day i would probably add in a little thrifting uh you gotta add in a little thrifting if you're gonna date yourself for a day you know what i mean it's just so nice you get a space out just be high as shit going through going through the thrift store 10 out of 10 recommend anyways it is thursday i won't see you guys till tuesday oh my fucking god thank you again thank you again i could cry for like all the support and like i i got so many messages yesterday you're my number one podcast you're my

number one podcast oh my god thank you you're my number one podcast no thank you you have no idea how much it means to me you have no idea how much it means to me that people are showing up having a good time having a fun time because this is so fun for me i just hang out with you guys and like spill some tea and it's the best so thank you for showing up thank you for putting your friends on your family on somebody said them and their roommates gather around in their living room and put this on and hang out together that is so fucking fun hey guys i hope i'm joining you or whatever but i hope you guys are having a great day thank you for showing up thank you for being here for me thank you for being open and vulnerable and honest with me as i am open open and vulnerable

and honest with you and thank you for sticking by through all of i feel like i slur so many of my words on this fucking podcast and mess up so many times and y'all keep showing up so thank you it means the world to me number nine baby we're ranked number number nine let's see if we can get it up i love you all i hope you have a wonderful rest of your thursday keep your spirits high keep looking forward i guarantee things will get better i love you all