Smoke Sesh - manic positivity, odd jobs & embracing the mess

Episode Date: September 23, 2025

hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of smoke sesh- this time actually high! we smoke and recap last episode, eclipse season lessons, learning to love the now, embracing the mess of life, loving who you are, pedestaling, manic positivity, mindset shift, positivity journey, how to actually be hot, self esteem, building confidence, how to radiate, my job history, making money, working multiple jobs, hustling, nannying, bartending, getting famous, hating men, loving men, decentering men, is lying okay, white lies, shifting reality, surviving a depression era, depression, grounding, embracing the lesson, low points, appealing to your senses, hobbies, staying busy, learning to love yourself and much much more! ty all for being here it means the world MUAH if you want to see more for me follow the instagram at hannahmarleneif you want an extra episode every week & more join the patreon at https://www.patreon.com/c/smokeseshshawty

Two in five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire

and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca. hear that it's your money calling it wants a promotion elevate your savings with the scotia high interest savings account always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest conditions apply visit scotiabank.com slash hisa to learn more scotia bank you're richer than you think listen everybody needs a fairy godmother you know just somebody to look out for them some people call me their fairy smoke mother others their internet big sister but you can call me hannah the host of smoke sash so come hang out let's light up and talk everything there is to

life the good the bad the ugly the embarrassing i've got a story for it all hello hello hello welcome back hotties to another episode of smoke sash my name is hannah your host i'm so excited to be back with you all on this beautiful little tuesday morning evening whenever you're listening happy to have you here nonetheless not me about to open my mouth and be like so i've been up to this this this this this this honestly haven't been up to a lot which is kind of nice I honestly think I've just been creating a lot of chaos in my own head which has kept me paralyzed oh sorry for the bad vibes this early don't worry we're gonna smoke a bowl here shortly energy will be up but if you listen to last episode where I was like oh my god I'm kind

of panicking I'm in my 20s what the fuck am I doing what the fuck am I doing what the fuck am I doing oh my god all the comments first of all love the Spotify comments love the YouTube comments love hearing from you guys but all the comments of people who you know are also my age going through the same exact thing or have been through the same exact thing being like no me too girl don't you worry don't you worry we are in this together it is so incredibly nice it is so nice it genuinely kind of just reinforces how proud i am of this community of everybody here just being able to be like no this is real this is raw this is life not only am i experiencing this but also someone else is and sure maybe it's hard maybe it's difficult maybe it's challenging

but at the very least we have each other and we have peace of mind of knowing that no matter what we go through we never go through it alone um that was probably one of my biggest challenges when I was like struggling when I was younger especially like mental health issues I thought what I was facing was like just me just me I thought I was the world's craziest girl like lock me up now something is severely wrong to be fair something was severely wrong but also it's like you and a million other people are also experiencing this like you are not alone so it is just really nice hearing your feedback and hearing you know that we're all kind of facing whatever life throws at us together so I just want to extend a hand of gratuity to you all and just

send a big fucking kiss a big I love you thank you for being here thank you for listening but like I said haven't been up too much yesterday I went apple picking for a new recipe I love going apple picking in the fall it's just like oh I love to be out in the country I really am a country girl to my heart unfortunately i really fought it when i was younger i've done the city experience i have lived it fully i am ready to be in the peace and quiet and there's nothing better than just like being in a field full of like fresh fruit picking your own fresh fruit and then coming home and baking i am making a cinnamon apple cheesecake bun recipe yeah you heard me right yes your mouth is watering for a reason it should be up on my instagram sometime this week i also

in my I'm in my manic positivity posting phase of life right now again I'm sure a bunch of you like started following me or if you did start following me a while ago especially around my TikTok era oh my god TikTok era um I kind of blew up on TikTok because I was manically positivity posting aka me just trying to stay sane and share little bits of wisdom with other people and it caught on because of course I like to garner kind of a community of like-minded individuals and I don't know I guess I stopped I got I got overwhelmed I stopped doing it I stopped engaging in manic positivity and now that I'm having a more difficult time in life oop clock it I'm engaging in that behavior again where it is kind of just like if you feel like

you can't or you if you feel like you don't have it you must create it if you feel like you're lacking it you can always make space for it and when I was going through a really difficult time back then when I started kind of engaging in manic positivity it was like oh my god I'm so empty but that means there's room for something so let's fill it with something positive and now I'm kind of re-going through that phase where it's like oh my god listen I am happy I am thankful of everything I have it's not like I'm like really really really struggling it's just kind of like being okay with where I'm at and appreciating the growth stage instead of being so accomplishment focused instead of being so like futuristic focused of course it's important to have goals

and dream but also it's like you got to be there for the journey you got to be there for the growth of it all and thus I am in my manic positivity stage once again so if you need a dose of manic positivity go over to the instagram follow me at tana marlene i will be uploading a lot of that shit i think we all need it especially now more than ever as we are prepping for winter and also with like the stage of the world right now we all could use a little hope that is safe to fucking say but we have a fun episode lined up i have a fun i have a bunch of fun topics to go through you guys had some really good questions this week that being said like i said i'm in a weird phase so we're gonna smoke a bowl we're gonna get into it we're gonna smoke a bowl i've already been up

for a few hours now i'm watching my parents dog again so we have already gone for like a two hour long walk i've already like started some dishes there's more i need to do but this is a really good time for me to like pause take a break chat with the girlies and yeah a little reset moment for us all so let's hit this shit girls cheers you know you're going through something when you rip a fatty bowl and you don't even cough afterwards it's like okay cold-hearted okay stone cold heard i also have my little mio energy for the energy drink girlies i discovered something that has truly changed my life because not gonna lie i used to drink at least at the very least like a red bull a day and that's on top of coffee on top of multiple coffees perhaps an entire pot

of black coffee yeah i might have heart issues in the future but for now we got to keep that motivation going and i discovered mio energy you guys you guys you guys you guys i think it's like 80 milligrams of caffeine per like little mio squirt and so i'd be filling this shit up it is so nice especially being like running around i'm going crazy ah i just need to make something at home and i don't want to spend so much money i think it's like five bucks for like the big size of the mio energy let me put my energy drink girls on it is fire and i think it's like pretty much zero calories which is crazy if you think about it but we're gonna follow that bong rip with a high dose of caffeine cheers oh all right vibes are set let's get into what you guys have

on your minds someone said I'm a mess and I'm proud and you know what as you should be I need that on a t-shirt now you know what maybe I'll make them who knows but me too if you don't know right now we are going through kind of this eclipse journey if you've been hearing the word eclipse eclipse eclipse it's because right now we are kind of in the middle to the end of like almost a month long, a little over a month long experience of a eclipse season. And essentially what eclipses do is they bring the shadow into the light. They kind of highlight things that we've been maybe like pushing back, highlight things that we've been like, oop, I don't, I don't want to see I don't want to see you know and recognizing that can be quite jarring

safe to say it could be quite a jump scare so think back in the past month if you have been noticing any like reoccurring themes reoccurring thought patterns things like that you're supposed to be recognizing those you're supposed to be paying attention to those and you're supposed to be handling that shit so you don't have to carry it with you for the rest of your life honestly the beautiful thing about eclipse season is like you will change you'll change how you get there who fucking knows it could be a bumpy ride it could be a smooth one depending on how you approach it but you will change always and if you're a girl who kind of like fights change or is fearful of it like me don't worry it's gonna happen anyway so you might as well

just buckle up and take the fucking ride but I think for me one of my biggest lessons especially this eclipse season it's not so so incredibly serious or scary I mean maybe to some people it is I'm fine living in the shadows a little bit but it's being okay with where I'm at being okay with here and now releasing like perfectionist mindsets or like releasing the idea of constantly moving the goalpost which essentially is basically just telling myself like I'm not good enough you need to do more you need to do more you need to do more and I fear it is rooted in a little bit of like childhood trauma or the way I was raised just by two people who really wanted me to be the best I could but now it's like I really just need to start accepting the mess of it all I need to

start accepting the weird the messy the um unkept it's okay to not be a perfectionist all the time it's okay to occasionally have dishes in the sink it's okay to you know have to restart a project it's okay to be okay with also like stopping a project like finishing it just putting shit out there um releasing this idea of perfectionism is also just gonna allow me to be myself i understand that deep down it's hard in the process of it all but for me personally that's been my kind of biggest lesson um I oh my god and I loved it it's so funny because you're like why would you stop I started doing YouTube videos and I was so consistent with it for at least like a month and a half maybe two months where I was putting out a video every week and you guys it was kind

of the highlight of my week it challenged me creatively it got me to think outside of the box it got me to try new things I was setting goals for myself and achieving them no matter what like it was like okay I need a video up by this day so just think of something do it put it out there instead of like pausing and waiting for the perfect sort of video to hit me and I stopped I went on vacation which was necessary but it got me out of my routine of creating and then I just like pushed myself further and further in a hole of like well when I come back the video needs to be amazing when I do this it needs to be amazing I think a lot of people experience this in their everyday day-to-day lives whether you're an artist or not maybe you're a painter and you're like

well I put out this amazing piece last time but now I need to wait because you know it has to live up to that last piece forgetting that the reason we were able to create that amazing piece in the first place was because of all the maybe mediocre or simplified or out there pieces that we created before it is a part of the journey not just the creation and you may experience this you know outside of like i said creative um processes maybe it's like okay i'm a fucking computer analyst you know i just did this amazing big project for my company it took me months it took me a long time and doing it really felt amazing but now i'm back to my menial tasks and it doesn't feel as grandiose or as effective in a way or like effective as this major project was we forget that

the reason the outcome is so incredible is because of the hard work the time the dedication that we put into it before getting to the end the journey of it all the weird the messy the explorative the unperfect journey of it all and so my eclipse lesson has been learning to be okay with the mess learning to be okay with not being perfect with you know being a flawed individual there is truth in simply just being human and with that comes ups and downs and upside downs and sideway isms I don't even know girl I'm so high it's not a straightforward path though you know what I mean and there's gonna be weird messy moments that can be beautiful depending on how you look at it you know that you can release and move on from if you allow yourself to but I have been kind of stuck

in that perfectionist mindset for quite a bit quite a bit at least a couple months um which is longer than I'm used to so best believe I'm kind of like panicking like girl we gotta we gotta break these cycles. We got to get out of here. These dungeons are really dark and wet and dirty and gross. Like we need to come up to the light. And the only person who can kind of like pull you there is yourself. Ooh, scary, but thank God, you know, at least you know the answer of how to get out. So bitch, I'm, I'm putting on my fucking boots, pulling them up to the knees, trudging through that mess and getting the hell out of there. Um, I've already set some new goals for myself, which is exciting. I'm really trying to turn the beauty of fall into something that can

be celebrated and I can use as a crutch to kind of embrace the beauty of the world, to embrace the manic positivity. Learn those lessons so we don't have to carry them with us for the rest of our lives. I also think me going through this process is something I've been going through for a long time. This is a lesson I've been like relearning constantly throughout my life and that's what's funny about like embracing different themes that come to you also what's just funny about life is you know it's not a linear path you're gonna have ups and downs you're gonna have to revisit kind of thought processes and patterns but every time you come out with a new understanding and a new idea and just stronger and better and it is the best I know all my hard

work will be worth it because I can look in the past and see what it's done for me then so I can only assume that the future is going to be so so amazing but instead of paying attention to that future that i need to do this this idea this pedestal this award whatever it may be i need to focus on here and now and what's in front of me to embrace it to hug it to love it no matter what amen embrace the mess babe seriously we're all a fucking mess you might as well learn to have a good ass fucking time no matter what to embrace the here and now no matter where you may be it's also the week before my period it's like the week before my period i kind of lose my mind a little bit where it's like everybody's against me nothing's gonna work out for me everything sucks

the world is spinning upside down what the hell is happening maybe i opened my eyes a little bit too big my peripherals are like a little too big we need to focus in a bit but like i said managing the best i can manic positivity and i really i i trust manic positivity genuinely i trust it it has like flipped me into such a different person and i look back on like moments of my life where i'm like in a depressed state where it's like okay bitch you have no fucking choice um just like start seeing the light and if you don't see it like bitch start creating your own spark i think back to like the last time I entered that manic positivity stage and where it got me and the mindset that I was in like you if you first started listening and you were like oh my god

this positive ass bitch wow like that's where it got me it got me from like such a low to such a high that I trust wholeheartedly by it not only is it just like such a good practice when you maybe find yourself entering a zone where you're constantly saying negative things to yourself or constantly thinking in a negative way being able to flip those or just like forcing yourself to flip those will directly change the way that you start to think it'll force you to start looking for good for looking for positivity for seeking it out so like scientifically it'll affect the way you think and that in turn directly affects your reality it directly affects like how you view your reality the light you shine on it you know the story that you write about it is it going

to be a negative one or a positive one the way you start thinking or are able to see you know the good in the mess is by stop seeing it as a mess you know start implementing a little more positivity start forcing yourself to think a bit more positive so you're able to engage in those types of thinking easier it flows to you naturally and the way I like view my thinking is a lot of just like it's very technical like the way you would ride a bike you know the first time you get on there i'm not expecting you to know how to ride a fucking bike you know you'll maybe put like one pedal forward and then you're gonna fall over but when you fall over are you gonna you know lay there in the grass and bleed are you gonna get back up on your bike get back up bitch maybe you

put two steps forward and then three and then four pedals all of a sudden you're riding the bike like it is just practice and in turn you will start to basically just do it without thinking eventually my manic positive post of today what was it let's see it was if you don't see love in everything what's the point you know what period she's so right oh on to more questions okay help how do i get prettier i feel like my appearance is lacking oh this is interesting um if i were like anybody else i'd be like you two and five canadians will hear the words you have cancer That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk.

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You need this 8-step skincare routine. You need to go to the gym for 800 hours a week. You need to only eat unprocessed things from the earth. and you need to get like salmon sperm injections into your face twice a week like these things will change your life and you will never be hotter did anybody else just lose brain cells listening to that yeah yeah yeah me too no you want to get hotter you want to get sexier you want the real tea you got to work on your self-esteem yeah the hottest sexiest person in the room is you know not the person with the most things the most things done the most money

the most whatever no the most radiant ethereal person in the room is the person with the highest self-confidence and that doesn't mean you shouldn't walk into the room if your self-confidence isn't there like you can walk into any room you belong there no matter what queen love you no no no but if you want to work on how you feel and your appearance and your positivity towards self you gotta work on that self-esteem you do you do if you don't know how to start manic positivity is the only way to go even if you don't believe it you gotta say those things to yourself of just like wow i am so hot i am so sexy i'm the baddest bitch here like i am glowing i am ethereal even if you feel like a piece of garbage you just have to keep telling yourself that and it'll stick

it'll stick you will start believing the things you say it is true but i genuinely believe that you know no amount of money no amount of like perception will make you hot it is how you view yourself you approach yourself how you present yourself to the world your self-confidence your self-assuredness your peace within self that's what makes you hot and sexy that's what makes you the like unapproachable girl in the club what makes you like the hottest girl in the coffee shop like the most radiant individual ever like i remember i've had moments in my life where it's like i truly felt that way about myself and looking back i like look at myself at like the flat stanley version of the photos and i'm like oh my god meth head scary and i was at the time

I'm not even kidding but like how I viewed myself was so hot and sexy and the indirect interactions I had in that time of my life were a direct result of like how I viewed myself like the approaches I had the people who came up to me just saying oh my god you're so radiant you're so beautiful like the people who just like would spew their whole life story at me because I looked like a comforting individual it was because i viewed myself as like this like goddess amazing gorgeous beautiful brilliant and so other people viewed that the same way monkey see monkey do monkey see monkey do babe let me give you a different way of viewing it okay the like worst guy you know he probably thinks the best things about himself and you were probably sitting here like how the

hell does he pull these girls he views himself so amazing like the catch like high high pedestal these other girls also view him the same way even though you know him and you're like that man's evil run run that initial attraction is because that self-confidence that self-assuredness that he puts out and not that i'm saying you know you should be evil and mask it that's not what i'm saying but it's like we run into all these magnetic people where we're like how the hell do they do it how the hell are they doing it and it's because they think highly of themselves they boost their self-confidence they trust in themselves they pour love into themselves they take time for themselves they put energy into themselves and it's positive energy it radiates it does

so no i'm not gonna sell you a eight-week plan on how to get hot for only 15.99 that's not what i'm gonna sell you i'm not gonna sell you lip injections and filler i'm not gonna sell you the nudist workout trend i'm gonna sell you manic positivity i'm gonna sell you thinking highly of yourself monkey biting lip emoji because that's what's really gonna work that's what's gonna work for you what's the favorite job you've ever had oh this is a good question i mean of course this one is like so amazing and so incredible and i never thought i'd be able to do this but on a practical level the best job i've ever had was being a nanny tenfold tenfold it was the best job ever i genuinely there's something about me i love working with kids i do they are just like

little rays of sunshine even when they're screaming in your face it's like girl i get it and i'm jealous i can't scream you know like i love the free will they have and i'd love to just also like encourage it and also like be able to take life not so seriously and one thing kids are gonna do is not take life seriously that's for fucking sure and sometimes we need a dose of that that's why i loved working with kids you know what fuck it let's talk about all the jobs i've ever had are you curious guess what i got answers for you you need a part-time job i got you i don't know if I've ever talked about this before probably I feel like I've talked about everything at this point in time but but but let's see first job I ever had well of course like babysitting when I

was younger like I think I started babysitting not even kidding when I was 12 which it's like if you wouldn't expect a 12 year old boy to be able to babysit why the fuck are you putting a 12 year old girl in that position something to scratch your head at what what in the world what's going on because why was i taking care of children at 12 years old i was a child i wanted to be eating that pizza and playing fucking video games but all of a sudden i'm the adult what's going on that's spooky anyways i'll take 60 you know my mom's like you want to fucking work bitch i got friends with kids are you gonna show up are you gonna stay here and i showed up every time what am i gonna say no to money okay so of course that translated into um i still worked with kids but

my first ever like I guess job I had to claim taxes for was I worked for a child psychologist this was also one of my parents friends which now thinking about it it's like why wasn't I a patient once again why was I working for him and why was I not a patient but I think I started working as a child psychologist as soon as it was legally allowed on tax records which I think in the state of Kansas was 14 maybe 15 and I started this in high school and he would come he'd pick me up from high school and his like pickup truck like old beat down pickup truck and then we worked like downtown in the city oh my god the tiniest little city it was like a tiny little building next to the uh post office and the library which is all that existed in the city oh and the prison

duh the prison which we hosted the state fair next to and the prisoners would flash us through the windows i'm not kidding my mom be like don't look up the tiny ass skinny ass little windows it's like me on the carnival rides looking up dick i'm scared once again what is going on why would they not move it don't ask me anyways he was a child psychologist so what i was doing was essentially like filing paper making phone calls he didn't want to make and then occasionally I would have to give like tests to children where it's like okay colorless picture they'll analyze it later when they are in their meeting I also had to attend court cases occasionally oh my god I was 15 so incredibly young but honestly for being like 15 very interesting job very lucky

to have had it and been able to just like be able to transition into professional setting that early so I knew how to kind of engage with adults I was so fucking awkward working at this place but it really taught me a lot about just like customer service but also just like engaging with people on a human level which is like I want to say nonchalant but just very casual I feel like right now especially interacting with the world post-covid as a customer service person people do not know how to interact with each other and it's a bit spooky and it's a bit scary and i fear the only way to escape that anxiety and learn how to interact with people is to do it more once again practice makes perfect girl you just gotta try who cares if you're being weird at first

like you'll get there i was so anxious shaking him my boots the first time someone walked in that therapist office and i had to be like girl it's not about you like i can't even imagine what this child is going through right now so like put yourself aside put a smile on your face and do your fucking job so I did that until I was probably until I got a car which was 17 16 17 it was my junior and senior year maybe just my senior year of high school I started working as once again still with kids but no wonder I love it so much it's all I've ever done I worked as a two-year-old teacher I was a two-year-old teacher and then um once I went into college in the summers i had my own classroom once again why was i doing this without any sort of licensure

i mean they gave me some sort of like um certificates or whatever i had to take like learning and courses and cpr and all that shit but also like i was i was not an education major you know like what am i doing teaching two-year-olds but that is my favorite age those kids are fucking crazy and hilarious I love it my niece is two right now and she is just like a little fucking monster and I'm obsessed like she is everything to me two is like the age where they don't quite know rules yet but they know it enough to just like semi behave but when they don't behave it's for a reason it's like also a reason that's very valid every time they act out I'm like i feel you like i definitely do we just unfortunately can't scream in the library

you know but anyways i did that for a while and then um up until college i did that and i was literally i'm not even kidding we opened at 6 a.m i left 6 p.m i also lived an hour away because i lived with my grandmother at the time and so i'd wake up it'd be like 4 a.m driving an hour getting there at six opening having my own classroom six to six sometimes 6 30 because you know parents are late sometimes and whatever what am i gonna do lock your child in the classroom and leave it here i wish but i can't oh but yeah i did that side hustles i've always done since i was a teenager is just like depop i just collect clothes not even for a fun reason it's more of like an obsession and so like once a month i'll be like i gotta fucking i gotta get rid of clothes get rid of

clothes and of course donate a majority of them but anything that i'm like you know what i can get 10 15 bucks out of this i'll upload on depop i am doing a lot of that right now so if you want to shop my depop i believe it's smoke says shoddy so i've always done that as a side hustle little babysitting wherever i can i babysat a lot in college to my sister-in-law's family which shout out to them for that because like i needed to fucking drink oh yeah it's smoke says shoddy with two wise i need drinking money thank you so much yes i will babysit happy to also like don't recommend nowhere did i really ever do this a lot of people i know sold edibles and whatever they get their hands on mushrooms things like that um just people i know you know they need

a quick buck is that something i recommend absolutely not but once again who am i to say no to money i did tattoo um art commissions for a while in college just people i went to like a catholic school so of course like everybody leaves their parents house they're either getting something pierced or a tattoo and none of them had an artistic bone in their body so they'd be like hey i need you to draw me something cool i got you i mean your artist already does that but fuck it i'll take five dollars or whatever it is um i also in college would write people's papers i made big fucking money off of that i made big money off of that because i wrote for the um student athletes my friend was like a professional golfer or was like on the golf team so she was

always at parties with like the basketball players and just like i don't know we didn't have football like lacrosse soccer basketball and soccer was really big at my school and so of course i'm there and they're like man fuck I just I have a paper due tomorrow and I'm like this party sucks anyways what's your paper about I'll write it for you for a hundred and fifty dollars and the last thing a student athlete wants to do is honestly write a paper especially the ones I knew not to categorize I know you guys are smart whatever but the ones I was interacting with they were happily giving over $150 for me to write their paper considering they were getting flown in private jets to their games babe they had the money to spare my fellow like students we did not have the money to spare those

student athletes those people who were with like rich parents they got the money to spare so best believe yes i'm gonna write a eight page paper for you and the best you're getting is a b because they know you can't write at an a level if you have a c in the class i'm not writing a paper at at a level because hello red flag red flag red flag I'm not getting caught I need to keep this $150 nor do I need to be expelled so yeah I did a lot of that and honestly easiest money maker ever I just I'm very very good at writing technically like once I knew once I was in an AP class and they taught me how to write a paper I was like easy I just need to fucking do this for the rest of my life so yeah did that college what else what else what else oh well then I dropped out

of college and I was like I gotta make money I don't know why in my head first thing I said was I want to work at the cheesecake factory thank god they did not hire me I could only imagine the hellscape of having to work at a cheesecake factory not because like uh I hate cheesecake factory or something like love that place down but just like oh my god the overwhelming amount of menu items you need to know and also just like the clientele and the high volume no no no no no no thank you but a small little ramen shop next to me um hired me on immediately I said I'll be a host you want to work in the restaurant industry start hosting I was a host and then um I was like damn this shit don't pay so I told my manager I said oh I got a competitive offer from a different

restaurant that's a lie um and they're offering me uh three dollars more and they offer to um start training me to serve and so if you can do that for me i'll stay here if not i'm leaving that was a bold face lie but i needed money and i didn't know how to ask for it and so that felt like the easiest way and guess what she said give me a second let me make a phone call five minutes later we'll keep you on we'll change the pay today um and we'll start training you in a month when this person leaves clock it so i then became a server served for a while stayed at that restaurant and then covid hit oh my god covid hit you guys and then i was a nanny i was a private nanny for two years i became a nanny on care.com because they needed child care they had to keep working

in office but they didn't want their kids going to a daycare during covid very valid we had no clue what was going on like I get you girl I don't know how I got that position genuinely genuinely genuinely I don't know how I got that position I just listen I'm your only option like I have some experience I have art experience I also have like child care experience so it's not like I'm just going into this blind I have I'm CPR certified like if you need a person I'll do it I'll do for cheap pay and I think I got paid like 500 bucks a week or something pretty good in the long run especially for you know mid-covid and oh my god i loved that job i loved it it was such a good time i mean like it started at 8 a.m and it ended at like six it was a long day but like me and those

kids were just kicking it i get over there make my little coffee we're gonna do some art we're gonna go on a four-hour walk i don't know let's get into nature let's go to the park let's play the park lunch time nap time chill time play outside parents are home done i basically just lived like a child for two years and then the kids grew up and one was then in kindergarten and the other one the dad got a job somewhere else and they provided daycare for them for free so hello we don't need this random girl in our house very valid very real I also just like needed to do something else then I went back to the ramen restaurant because I was like unemployed for three months and your girl needs money hello I'll go wherever back at the ramen restaurant server

bartender manager quit the ramen restaurant then at a turkish restaurant and now here i am doing a podcast what the hell what the helly one long journey and you know what like all very random i encourage you guys if you can take the most randomest jobs it will make you such a well-rounded individual never believe you're too good for a job uh-uh what are you saying you're too good for money hello there's no such thing especially in this economy like i'll get a job wherever i'll do whatever i don't care if you treat me poorly i'll look for something else absolutely if the pay is shitty like i am not inclined to take it but 14 is better than zero dollars or whatever the california girls are like 14 that's not minimum wage we are i fear i'm in the midwest they do not

want to give us money that's for sure but i know in my future i'm just gonna keep doing random jobs and honestly it makes me very excited for my future where it's just like i need to embrace the vibe i'm on fully commit fully do the best i can make some fucking money and get out of there do i believe that there's like something i'm meant to do uh yes but it's not like i'm meant to be a jeweler i'm meant to be a podcaster i'm meant to be a painter some people are some people find their niche and they're able to do that absolutely but the way i view like future and jobs and all that is just like i want to be creative if i'm able to be creative i'm chilling you know whether it's like at my job or not as long as i have time to be creative i will be happy if i had to take a

guess on like what my next like maybe job is you're like hannah why are you working a job outside of podcasting because I don't know I've always worked like two or three jobs it's just how I was raised my parents always worked two or three jobs they were teachers so best believe they had to work two or three jobs it's just what it was like if you want to have two children and send them to college and be able to afford dinner every night you have to work two or three jobs so my dad coached did other stuff on the side my mom would sometimes do like summer school she always was doing work with like her union after school or like teacher training whatever it was they were always working two or three jobs so I think it's just ingrained in me at this point in time that

it's like sure I'll always do something creative as like a job slash hobby but also I'm gonna need something else to just like switch up my routine I think if I had to guess what my future ones would be I would love to work on a ranch like I don't even care if I'm like working with horses I think it'd be fun to just like work the front desk and be in the environment uh that's what I'm really really looking at I think it'd be super fun and also just like more so in the environment that I like to work um and also I want to get into jewelry making I don't know if that will necessarily be a job but it's definitely like my next creative endeavor um is uh like newest creative endeavor something I've never done before I want to get into jewelry making and that's what's

beautiful about life is you can have these ideas and they don't just have to be ideas you want to be a jeweler go do it you want to work at a restaurant go do it you want to be a engineer go do it you want to go to outer space go do it you want to smoke weed all day on your couch and do absolutely nothing i mean weird hobby but like fuck it i guess you know i be that girl sometimes i do but yeah i've done everything under the sun and never ever in my head was i like i can't do this you know sometimes i burn out sometimes i'm like this is odd but it was never like oh i can't do this so truly anything you set your mind to you can and sometimes you got to pick up those odd jobs to make ends meet i'll tell you what sometimes you just gotta hustle and bustle

especially in this economy i'm like yes i will take a hundred dollars thank you yes i will yeah i'll pick up that shift i don't give a fuck i was ready to leave the restaurant industry but like yeah whatever i'll work i'll work every once in a while you send me an sos text whatever i'll show up i know how to do it it's easy and what am i gonna do like i said say no to money never put yourself in harm's way never do anything outside of your comfort zone never put yourself and or others at risk those are my only rules for not for like making money like always do a safe way so sorry for the rambly episode it's just gonna be one of those days once i smoke weed i'm like yeah i'll talk about something for eight hours yes yeah especially the microphone in my hand i

will sit here and talk about something for as long as i possibly can truly until i run out of words i guess this is in the realm of jobs someone asked would you want to be famous big time i guess like no like a list famous hell no i could not handle that i would be admitted to the psych ward immediately I think sometimes when people get podcasts you think oh you know they're gonna move on to talk shows they're gonna move on to like things like that next like you want to grow more in the eye and it's like I love our little niche community I mean if I can reach somebody and make a difference that's truly all I care about but I don't need to reach everybody I understand I'm not everybody's cup of tea it's okay to like dislike me but like I don't need

to be in the eye of being an a-list celebrity where it's like too many watchful eyes that makes me incredibly anxious i'm okay being perceived but i feel like when you enter that a-list status it goes outside of perception and it becomes like you become a commodity which is scary as a very uh human individual the last thing i think i could handle is becoming a commodity so no i don't want to be a-list famous i'm pretty chilling where i am and the amount of people that know me now and i'm happy with what we have i think it's like the perfect the perfect formula and i could not thank you guys enough for listening genuinely like i said i can't do it without you and it's just nice also when i like put things out there that they're received with

like like-minded individuals it makes me feel less alone but hell no i'm not gonna be i can't I could not oh my god someone said I'm a man hater to my core help uh you know what really helped me because like I get on here and I'll like hate on men don't even get me started but I had someone or like I read something that was like you hating men is still choosing men and I was like oh clock it clock it like you think pick me is where it's like oh my god they just like want male attention so bad they like need it their only focus is on if men like them but you don't think about the opposite which is still the exact same which is like you hate so men so much that it's all you think about like it's just you gotta release it you gotta release the hate you

gotta release the anger and realize hating something is still choosing something i think that's what like people who are like i guess you can categorize them as like haters that's what they don't understand is they're like well I hate something so much so if I keep focusing on it how I hate it and I keep commenting and making videos or doing this or doing that or like tabloids or photos or just like constantly eating up your brain like you're still supporting it and choosing it whether you believe to or not because it's the only thing you have going on up there like you hating it is the same as liking it on the energetic playing field it is the exact same amount of energy and so like if you really want to de-center men you just have to be in that neutral state

where it's like honestly I don't really give a fuck you know we all can be good we all can be evil of course you know I'm gonna stay safe and protect myself and be aware of signs and just like behaviors duh I'm not an idiot but also it doesn't need to be like the forefront thing on my mind like I don't need to be at the front lines waving a banner of like I hate men because that's the same as waving your titties in front of a man's face to get his attention genuinely genuinely genuinely so yeah i think the real key to de-centering is to become neutral very neutral on a lot of things and very un-neutral on a lot of things but this is one that i've really uh cracked down on where it's just like i don't really give a fuck once you fuck me over no

matter who you are like we're going to hell to fight i'm not even kidding but until then it's like I got too much going on in my own head to really give a fuck about anybody else's until I need to until I need to someone else is it okay to lie oh this is like where I say yes and no I feel like I say yes and no on everything but like there's always a spectrum to everything like if you take anything too far it becomes a bad thing so I think if it's somewhere in the middle where it's like a white lie it's okay but when it really gets tricky when lying becomes not okay is when you start warping reality we are not meant to be reality warpers ladies we're meant to live in reality and experience reality and let go if we need to take those lessons but we cannot warp

reality you can't it'll make you confused you will not be on the right path energetically it will mess everything up around you it's like literally shifting reality you're not going to get good things out of that you're going to get this weird middle ground so no i don't think you should shift reality but i do think if your friend's like i don't look good and it's like no girl you look amazing it's okay to do her even if like the dress is ugly but she loves it and she's like is it ugly it's okay to be like yeah it's fantastic like you don't need to tell the truth about everything it's okay to just like save people's emotions sometimes um I lie a lot at my restaurant job like when I was at my restaurant I'd be like oh can you tell me that

this wine is good and it's like bitch I've never yes it's fantastic it's the best wine ever everybody orders a hair gonna love it like get it girl guess what they get it it's great you know like white lies are fine but I don't think you should be shifting reality and I know this because when I was younger I lied a lot I'm talking like young young I was like I was going through a lot I think I was probably like 15 16 I lied about everything I don't know what it was maybe it was like this sense of control that I needed or maybe it was like the feeling of inadequacy but I was constantly lying about the the randomest things it i didn't even need to be lying about them i remember one time my therapist she was like why didn't you do this thing and i was like oh because

me and my parents are leaving for rome after this like we're we're leaving the country you know i didn't have time to do it because i was i was packing and i was planning and she's like what really and then you know i walk out of the office she waves my mom she's like have fun in rome and my mom's like what it's like girl what was going on to be fair that therapist was a fuck ass bitch and i think i was just lying because it was like why not obviously she's not listening to anything i have to say so i might as well fuck around with her which is just a waste of time in general but it was things like that where it's like what what are you doing what's going on what like you had no reason to why are you and those are the times where it's like girl we just gotta face

reality head on and live in it that will help you stop lying and also like seek peace within yourself it'll help you stop lying but lying will never get you anywhere it will put you in this weird like sunken realm right below reality where you're living on edge 24 7 and no one needs to live there at all so you might as well save the trouble and just don't lie don't lie and also like the things you want to lie about are probably things you just want so create them for yourself you know be a good person do the things you want to do approach positively and you won't have to lie in life but also like don't be bored I also think I was lying a lot because I was so bored in my life I was like let me just fuck with people like what oh my god psycho hours like I said I was

young and I was very depressed so I was just like doing whatever I could to try people and did I get anything good out of lying no not at all but yes as an adult i do tell white lies every once in a while every once in a while you know there's no need to tell everybody the truth because if you become a truther then you're looking somebody in the eyes and telling them their legs are too fat for those jeans even though they love the jeans and they've had them forever and it's like what why the hell would you be mean like there's no need to to do that i had an ex who was like that who was like would use the truth as a way to be just like a raging fucking bitch it's like oh my god you didn't have to say that out loud oh well i'm saying the truth oh well my fist is about to

hit your fucking face like you don't have to say everything out loud at all ever like bitch if you're gonna rage bait me say it to my fucking face and don't get mad when i get mad like hello there is a middle ground there's a middle ground to everything but especially with lying and if you find yourself telling lies often it's all probably because you're bored in your life and you're trying to create something interesting let's do it in a healthy way mamas let's do it in a healthy positive way not through warping reality into this weird fucking sunken place you do not have to live there for yourself help how do i survive a depression era oh okay you guys i got tips on this one i got tips on this one number one you no longer live in the past and you no

longer live in the future we are focused on the here right now and you need to embrace it embrace the messy embrace the weird embrace the ugly with open arms in order to move forward so step number one look at yourself in the mirror and tell you you love you no matter what like genuinely and do it often and do it consistently whether you feel it or not girl white lies to yourself are especially important that's step number one step number two make your bed like really cozy like very cozy change those sheets as often as you possibly can sometimes like when i'm in a depression era and I need my bed cozy cozy I will change my sheets almost like twice a week where it's like new pillowcases new sheets I'm doing the laundry I don't care just like I need everything soft

silky like warm cozy especially when I'm in bed because that's when the deep dark thoughts hit me the most not that I spend a lot of time in bed I don't think you should spend a lot of time in bed but when you're in there you should be cozy and comfy and comfortable get a big ass duvet cover that feels like you are like the princess and the pea you know covered in beautiful linens and just get cozy get comfy cozy bed is necessary step three you need a hobby bitch you need a hobby you need to do something like i said you cannot be in that bed 24 7 i think a lot of my depression and of course like mental illness duh hello but also a lot of my depression or depression eras are sometimes self-induced when i just become bored and i have too much time to think so in

order to save myself i started taking horseback riding lessons i was like fuck it what do we have to lose i'm obviously doing nothing i'm obviously doing nothing obviously i have all this time on my hands because i'm laying in bed 24 7 let me take horseback riding lessons and i'll tell you what it is the highlight of my week i wish i could take them every single day that's just crazy i'm realizing maybe i need two hobbies now because i'll do my horseback riding lessons and then wait around all week for the next lesson like maybe we can split that up with something else maybe we can include something else but hobbies are important because it gets you out of your head approachable hobbies are important because they're easy to do daily and are a great tool especially when you

need something to distract yourself i take a lot about hobbies i know you've heard it before but they truly have such a like genuinely magnetic difference on your life they do they make you feel more at one with life that life is not moving against you you're moving with it it teaches you accomplishment it teaches you patience it teaches you trust it teaches you to learn to be open to learnings I think a lot of adults are not open to learning a lot of adults achieve that bachelor's degree and go well i know everything achieve that master master's degree and go well i don't need to learn anything else yes you do and you need to learn something that's outside of your realm you need to challenge yourself it is so incredibly important and for the depression girlies it gets

you out of that hellhole that is your head it forces you to get up to move to try something different to put yourself into a new environment whatever it may be and i encourage your hobbies to be weird and wild they should not be monetary based they should be like oh I want to be that girl in my dream life if I was this girl this is what I would be doing those are the hobbies you need to be doing now now right now there's something about being depressed where it kind of gives you the I don't have energy to care about anything which gives you the courage to just do anything and a lot of people I think that's why when they hit depression phase you like can't go any lower they kind of just like keep creating problems for themselves because they're so

comfortable in that negative energy but in reality you can utilize that like lack of energy to do things you would normally be fearful of to challenge yourself in ways that you would when you were in your right mind be fearful of thus when i'm in my deep dark depression phase i was like you know what usually i would be terrified of getting bucked off a horse and hitting the ground but at this point in time like I don't think I could even care if that happened to me so let's do it fuck it I got I got nothing else to lose you know like let's get into it and it has been so nice I could not say any more positive things about my experience and some have been good some have been bad some writing lessons like they're putting me on the

25 year old mayor who's like I'm done working it's too hot out here I don't want to do this this bitch doesn't know how to ride me like she has no clue what's going on up there I don't want to be moving it's like I'm faced with challenges sometimes sometimes they put me on like the younger horse that has life and energy and it listens well and it's like smooth riding it doesn't matter it's just I'm getting out of my house I'm experiencing something new I'm challenging myself I'm learning something about myself and the world around me and it is just wow it has a direct effect on my mental health in such a positive way number four you got to get into your senses you got to get into your senses to ground yourself i feel like when i'm depressed

i want anything but to be inside my body i want to be like right here like right in front of it so i can view myself but that's not good for me we got to get inside of our bodies so i like to approach my senses i like to eat really good food i like to take time cooking food once again that's a very easy way to kind of distract yourself for a little bit and get something yummy out of it i know you're like bitch i don't have momentum to do so soup soup's the way to go it's the easiest way to go you're just chopping things up and throwing it in a pot and your house smells amazing for a while so eating something yummy nourishing myself appealing to my sense of taste appearing to my sense of sound and listening to things i am not allowed to listen to depressing

things i am not allowed to watch depressing shows because i know it puts me into a negative state i am only allowed to listen to positive things to watch like dumb ass rom-coms to watch my comfort tv shows it's all i'm allowed to do if i am listening or watching anything i am not engaging in negative sounds or any sort of like auditory processing visuals are very important but you cannot be looking at that screen 24 7 that's not going to help you you know it's not going to help you i know it's not going to help you you know you can put the phone down let's engage in beautiful visuals your phone screen not a beautiful visual staring at your window and looking at the trees changing colors and the birds flying around beautiful visual that's why cats do it for like

18 hours a day my fish tank i'm not even kidding i could sit in front of my fish tank and watch it for hours these snails they are they're massive oh my god and they'd be chugging along through this fucking fish tank sometimes i'll even put like eight hour long jazz loop with a burning fireplace on my tv in my living room just to have something to look at you know in the background while i'm reading going on a walk and looking around you like bitch we need to look at beautiful things flipping through a picture book we need to bring picture books back not because we can't read that is a massive problem though we need to be reading as adults but also like i love collecting um like different sort of books that have like artistic interpretations in them i love collecting

art books different art different styles different things to read about like renaissance paintings i have a book on like princess diana i have like a ton of playboys i have a book on cats it's just like this giant massive book on cats like i don't have money for that i thrift all of them i thrift all of them they're like 99 cents i go to the thrift store i buy the biggest fattest heaviest books you could possibly find so when i'm depressed i can just like flip through them i guarantee i'm going to come out of that having some sort of like awe and whimsy for the world and appreciation touch feeling like i said i if i'm in my bed i want it to be comfy cozy if i'm in clothing i want it to be comfy cozy i want to be comfortable with what i'm wearing i want to be comfortable

with what i'm doing hairstyles comfy cozy showering i'm taking care of myself i'm taking care of my body you have to appeal to the senses and you have to appeal to each it will make you come into your body into a positive way in a way that makes you feel like a whole person it's very grounding it's very good also last but not least if you have the energy move go on a walk go to the gym i know the gym word especially when you're depressed is like i'm going to reach out and fucking strangle you right now but i fear they're right i fear i fear they're right they're right it's that's why it's not the first thing i'm telling you even though it is the easy answer it's not the first thing i'm telling you it's just one of the many tools i approach this in a very

simplistic manner i will if i have like five minutes in the middle of my day i'll just stretch i'll stretch i'll touch my toes i'll stretch my legs i'll roll out my yoga mat next to my cat and i'll just like open up my hip flexors stretch my legs stretch my arms stretch my back done does not have to be insane intense eight-hour cardio in a 95 degree room sweat theory-esque no no no no i can't do that i won't survive and i don't engage in self-harm anymore like i don't need to be doing that but simply stretching we're chilling you know it's easy it's simple it makes me feel better it releases tension wherever i happen to be holding it and i feel just like better afterwards but those are hannah's main tips for escaping depression i think they're

very practical practical i think they're very useful and as we enter winter i know a lot of us might be entering some sort of like lower points especially being cooped up at home so if you can implement these i guarantee they will make a positive change in your life and i just hope they do because i know they help me i also think um one last little you know hard time tip i'd like to give my girls today um sorry if this has been a downer of an episode i've just been learning a lot of life lessons so i figured i'd share them with you guys like i said there's always somebody going through something similar to me and i hope if i can reach anybody especially while they're feeling low then you know i am just so grateful to be doing this being thankful for your hard times

is probably the hardest thing you can do but it brings so much ease of mind this is like advanced level depression where it's like every time I hit a low point every time I hit like a very challenging hard load point I always give thanks because when I'm like floating up here I'm high I'm flying I'm chilling I'm partying life is easy things are good I don't get a lot of lessons out of those moments not that you need to struggle to learn lessons you can take lessons from everything but i think especially when i kind of you know dip on that roller coaster it challenges me to face my trust my gut instinct to hold on to trust my metaphorical seat belt that i've provided for myself so i can continue riding that roller coaster to that next high point you know um

And so giving, you know, thanks for being able to experience a range of emotions, for being able to, you know, always learn and come out of challenges prosperous, it makes approaching it a little bit more positive, you know, it really just flips the idea of it instead of like, I'm struggling, I'm struggling, I shouldn't be struggling. It's I'm struggling because sometimes we struggle and that's okay. You'll come out of it. You'll get there. but embracing the situation and doing the best at what you can for right now is how you truly

continue writing that into a positive place um it is like i said advanced level depression and i say depression in a very like uh light-hearted sense i understand real real debilitating depression is um you know just like so incredibly overpowering and overwhelming um I feel lucky at this point in my life to have done the work where I don't hit those levels as much anymore um so you know the struggles that I do face are usually self-induced and usually just a fleeting moment but I do try and just to give thanks for you know being human and experiencing these things no matter what it makes the negative emotions less scary it takes the weight and power over or out of those you know negative experiences or negative places that you

may take yourself to and it's just a journey of life it is I truly I keep this idea in my head it's like this like rainy day dream that I carry with me I keep in my back pocket 24 7 where it's like I always envision this like 75 year old version of myself who you know graying hair long probably living in her muumuu in a little cottage house surrounded by you know flourishing gardens fun quilts oak walls trees stray cats you know birds in the bird feeder maybe chickens and farm animals if I'm lucky I spend my afternoons you know listening to the radio and painting or flipping through old scrapbooks and the nights with like you know a beautiful dinner that I've cooked myself maybe sharing with friends or just even by myself like I envision this beautiful

amazing completed adult version of myself that is just like being able to chill and live the dream and I always always envision that no matter the hard time I always do I'm like but I'll get there I'll be there you know this is all a part of the journey and we need to accept the journey and embrace it no matter how you know out of place or weird or backwards it may feel we will always reach that destination we have so highly in our minds we just need to stay patient and stay trusting in ourselves and yes sure there's always work to be done there's always work to be done you know this is like a what would you call it quote-unquote self-improvement podcast I like to think of it more as a self-acceptance podcast but I don't want to always feed this idea

of like but you need to be doing more you could be doing better you could be journaling you could be doing these things sure but sometimes the real lesson we need to learn the real thing we need to do is accept ourselves in this moment flaws and all you know scarred battered weird awkward a little greasy a little pimply we need to accept ourselves here unsure unfocused not quite sound like that is when you need to accept yourself most of all not when you're this perfect beautiful idealized version of yourself riding the high of that roller coaster sure accept yourself then but most importantly accept it at your toughest times love yourself at your tough toughest times love yourself at your ugly at your weird at your messy that's when we need the most love if you

haven't heard it from anybody this week let me tell you i love you i'm proud of you you're doing amazing embrace the journey embrace any change finding you and you know what you need to tell yourself you love you as well this is your sign to just go look in the mirror look into your eyes and your eyeballs you know look at yourself and say i love you no matter what negative thoughts may pop into your head no matter what positive thoughts may pop into your head sometimes we just need to look ourselves in the eyes and share that with ourselves as well if we can't get the external validation best believe you need to create the internal and our reality is always what we create of it manic positivity you deserve to feel good manic positivity you deserve everything you've

ever dreamed of manic positivity you can create anything you want in this life but we need to embrace the mess of it all that's what makes life so fun you know oh but i love you all so so so very much like i said sorry this was a rambly episode you probably could have guessed that was gonna happen when i immediately hit a bowl within the first five minutes i haven't done that a long time i think back to like my old episodes i'm not even kidding i would smoke 20 bowls an episode that's crazy there's no way any of that shit made any sense but hopefully today made sense to you hopefully i was able to provide a bit of inspiration to whoever needed it and like i said and i can't say enough i love you all so much if you didn't need a dose of manic positivity i'll

be posting more of it on my instagram at hannah marlene you can also submit your question there every week i upload the questionnaire on sundays on my instagram story via questionnaire you can always dm me as well sorry i only touched on a couple this episode but hopefully i'm gonna do like a speed round next episode so send me your craziest shit like i am ready um also if you want to join the patreon and support me and get to know other smoke sesh girlies we have cultivated such a really beautiful community over there where we're all able to kind of like share ourselves learn more about ourselves and understand each other a little bit more through ourselves at patreon.com slash smoke says shoddy i upload extra episodes every week sometimes they're two three hours long

i'm not even kidding i answer every single question you guys submit every single one i also upload monday inspiration i just uploaded my fall mood board i need to make a fall bucket list like fall winter bucket list that'll be up soon sunday spirit where we talk the metaphysical the spiritual side of things and much more i'm always coming up with new things i just started uploading a monthly playlist as well lots and lots and lots of extra content if you would like to support come join but with that being said stay sane stay sexy and i'll see you all so soon two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer that's why every step and dollar raised matters on September 19th join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer

Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.