Smoke Sesh - maybe I’m the problem, travel tips & anxiety vs intuition

Episode Date: February 23, 2023

Happy Thursday everyone thank you for being forgiving with me while I was on a lil vacation this past week, sorry we’re a few days late but I’m happy to be here none the less! I fill you guys in on everything I’ve been up to and where I’ve been traveling, we also talk family and toxic family members and how to navigate that as well as travel tips and how to travel on a budget. We chat gut feelings and navigating through anxiety vs intuition, how to truly trust your gut, shy poopers, family gossip and setting boundaries with those around you, being a new adult and giving yourself permission to relax, my Portland & Seattle favs from traveling, how to deal with those who really won’t leave you alone, maybe I’m the problem.. and taking responsibility for your life and stepping into your own shoes, art inspo and how I find it, setting a budget for yourself, navigating the river of life, how to get him to eat your pussy, and finally some encouragement for this Pisces season and navigating it with grace. Love hanging out with you guys every week and I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your day, I can’t wait to chat again Tuesday! See you all soon! MUAH!

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know, just somebody to look out for them. Some people call me their fairy smoke mother, others their internet big sister, but you can call me Hannah, the host of Smoke Sash, so come hang out, let's light up and talk everything there is to life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing, I've got a story for it all. Hello, welcome back! Sorry I have been MIA this week. i wasn't up on my usual tuesday it's because i was on a airplane all day coming back home

um i went to seattle and portland this past week if you guys follow me follow me on my instagram sorry i have the worst cotton mouth ever um you probably saw what i was up to what i was doing i was busy i feel like after a vacation for me personally um i need like another vacation because how I was raised like we didn't take a lot of vacations so when we went anywhere which it was usually like camping or you know to a family's place my parents kept us busy we weren't going to like resorts and then getting like a free breakfast and then drinks all day and then lounging by the beach and then dinner and then bed like no no no like in a van in the water okay now we're going here okay now we're going to the mountains now we're going on a six mile hike okay

now we're cooking dinner together oh no we're going fishing to catch our dinner i don't know it's like very sporadic and random and a little stressful um and we were traveling because of a wedding so usually you know i like to incorporate a little more rest and relaxation into my time but since we were with family we were kind of just running around a lot which you know no complaints i was having a blast we went on a few different hikes i got to see the mountains i got to see waterfalls i gotta go to the ocean um we went to the city for a bit both cities oh my gosh the thrifting in both of those places are amazing like it's amazing at least where i'm from we don't have a lot of thrift stores so the thrift stores we do have i've noticed like a skyrocket in prices but

also it's like there's been a skyrocket in prices of everything so i don't know if it's just thrift stores or also just like the cost of living right now is way higher than it usually is which true um but like the cost of our thrift stores here in Kansas City where I live um was like the cost of the like boutique you know shops that I was visiting or like the vendors that I was visiting in Seattle and Portland which I thought was very interesting so I did a lot of shopping my suitcase was just under 50 pounds I was so worried luckily the guy who was doing it was a real one and he like threw my suitcase up there saw it gets like 49.7 and immediately took it off like it was on that scale for half a second he just threw it on the conveyor i was like thank you

i'm not about to pay 70 extra dollars to what i think it's like an upgrade you have to get or i don't even know i've never been through that process but i could only imagine how much they were gonna charge me because you know it would have been a lot but i had so much fun me and my boyfriend celebrated valentine's day there we got a bunch of really good food both of these places are great for foodies and i'm also i love seafood so i had a bunch of seafood we made crab oysters had some mussels fish and chips and the fish was like the size of my head i had this like salmon baguette from like pike's place that was incredible um i stayed at some really cute places everybody asking me the hotel i stayed at it was citizen m which is honestly very cost friendly it's a small

hotel room but like I don't need a big hotel room you know I need like a shower a bathroom a nice mirror which this mirror had led lights in it so like incredible for doing your makeup ginormous bed and then you can pick your room I know this is not an ad like I just really enjoyed this place but you can pick your room so it tells you the view you're gonna have and I was like yeah let's do top floor skyline view and I was like I don't know if it's really gonna be that good oh my god it was incredible like fantastic and I'm pretty sure it was really cheap um like way cheaper than what an Airbnb was gonna cost us and usually Airbnbs are the most cost effective but yeah also the weed situation out there fantastic like where I'm from the whole weed situation is very

new um so everything's very expensive very more like boutique it's harder to get a little bit you know laws are still not as lax but there it was like everything was so cheap and great quality and the people there were so fucking nice everybody there was so kind i got to meet a few of you guys along the way which was amazing i was going through tsa and the girl was like i know you and i was like oh my god this this is either good or bad because i'm in the line for tsa like i need to get on my plane but she was so so sweet she was like i think i follow you on tiktok yeah i definitely know you I was like love you girl thank you it's also 6 a.m so sorry if I'm not on my a game right now and also sorry for like a hot mess I feel like traveling wise there's no judgments like

everybody looks a little crazy but it's also because you're just trying to survive the hard for like 12 hour trips you know like I'm getting the cheapest plane tickets possible which means I'm in the in a plane in the sky for like five hours at a time um but yeah it was amazing love my girlies in Seattle and my girlies in Portland um but also like I have not been around my family that long in a while like I live close to them and I see them fairly frequently but it's a short short spurt you know after you move out it's like you go over to your parents for like maybe a couple hours or you just stop by to grab something or to say hi it's not for like long periods of time and this was like a few days at a time and oh my god now I'm like remembering

why I'm mentally ill like I had a small spiral and my boyfriend's like are you okay like what is going on and I'm like I just like haven't had a little episode in a while and I was like having some realizations as an adult being like okay yeah I'm understanding why I am the way I am because I'm also like observing and interacting with my family a long periods of time again and I'm realizing where a lot of this shit is stemming from like I think when I like went to the hospital and my doctor was like so when was the first time you know you remember having like a mental spiral you know like when was the first time and the only thing I could think of was like a family vacation a while back um so it's kind of funny that I went through the same little thing not as

much as like a spiral but enough that I was like in the car with my boyfriend I just started crying and he's like oh my god like what's going on and I'm like I'm glad that you can sit here and experience my family with me so you can get a little bit more of an observation of why I am the way I am and why I like behave the way I behave. So it's, it was hard, but it was good insight. And I think it's going to help me move forward with like processing and observing my life and moving through life a little bit more smoothly. You know what I mean? So sometimes it's a blessing, sometimes it's a curse. We all have family and it's all, it's all going to be hard. I feel like you're very lucky if you have a like very solid, healthy family dynamic, like you're

very lucky because it's hard like i get it a lot of our parents had us young you know we're still figuring themselves out and it's like i understand how that can be difficult as a person and that's why i got an iud that lasts me eight years because i know i'm not ready like i know i'm not stable um but hey it makes us who we are and also it is kind of just you gotta take it with a grain of all and also now I'm like okay maybe this distance is good like maybe maybe it's healthy for me you know like I used to feel guilty about like not being around my parents constantly not sure why but now I'm like no no this is for the best I'm glad I reminded myself of that but overall it was good it's nice to get a new perspective we ate some mushrooms which was nice but I also drank a

lot of wine when I'm out there like it's a wine country you can't not just be at a winery every single day um so the mushrooms i was drunk and i just like passed out on the mushrooms i wish they would have worked but so cool they're like decriminalized out there we were chatting with a few people who are like yeah no if you want some like you just gotta find them you know like i wish there was a more i guess a legal route like i don't know just like a storefront ideally but like if you get them from a friend you you're not getting in trouble which was amazing love that for you guys out there but yeah definitely want to go back out i i'm feeling like the more i travel the west coast area is where i'm gonna end up within the next year but as a person i'm just

so indecisive and i take time to figure things out which i used to think was a curse but sometimes you have to go at your own pace but it's nice traveling seeing new places meeting new people and really just figuring out you know where you want to go because life is all about a series of choices and we do have control over what those choices are and a lot of the times what we have envisioned in our mind we can make possible but you know i have to do just a little bit of thinking a little bit exploring but west coast for sure love you girlies out there it's pretty amazing um only thing is it was freezing we got lucky we did get a lot we didn't get a lot of rain but it was cold cold out i came home and i stepped off the plane it was like 70 degrees it's like oh

my god love this but anyways fantastic uploading a few vlogs on the patreon if you guys are interested gonna do like a thrift haul maybe even on my instagram if you follow me at hannah marlene i want to do just like a quick little thrift haul video maybe a little get ready with me um but the longer vlogs which i filmed periodically once again the vacation really just swept me up which is good life should sweep you up every once in a while you shouldn't just constantly be on your phone um posting posting posting or feeling like you need to even as like from a job perspective like sometimes it's nice to get swept up in life and just like have so much going on that you don't even have a second to look at your phone I think that's healthy I think

everybody should experience that every once in a while um but that means I have a lot of stuff you know on my phone that I'm ready to share with you guys so if you want some extra content follow me patreon it's linked to my instagram or just follow my instagram I'm gonna be a lot up there on or a lot up on there oh my god oh we brought some of that weed home and it was fantastic oh my goodness um and yeah i just smoked this afternoon and i also power cleaned my house because i forgot to do that before i left because i was severely hung over from the super bowl like severely i don't know what happened like i don't even like football but i love drinking so i was like yeah let's dive into it my boyfriend jokes that it's like you need like once a month to just

let yourself go and to just be free like i am very much a chaotic person and if i don't lean into that like i go crazy so i have to just allow myself every once in a while a moment to just like go out get fucked up and be a little messy and be a little crazy and make new experiences it's nice that my boyfriend could just like be there and be like the sober one and just let me have fun and enjoy it with me so very sweet of him but that happened pre-super bowl and i came home and my there was trash still out i forgot to water my plants the poor things oh just like everything out so i power cleaned smoked made me a matcha now and now i'm hanging out with you guys so yeah that's what i was up to really fantastic if you guys are thinking about any trips up to

either of those places 10 out of 10 recommend honestly but i know what you guys are here for you're here for the questions we're here to dive into some juicy things so let's see what's on your guys's mind all righty someone said day four of my tea break feeling great honestly honestly good for you loving to hear that um love success stories for tea breaks i feel like when you kind of just get tired of it and your brain gets tired it's very easy to be like i'm gonna step away but when it's like a tolerance based thing like you're just like i want to lower my tolerance but i do really heavily enjoy this it's a little harder and that's when i like recommending supplementing but when your brain gets tired which i feel you because i have been smoking and eating a lot of

weed this week sometimes it's nice to just step away for a second um i was writing my journal today and I was talking about my use of weed and it's like it's really fantastic for creativity and relaxing and forcing yourself to slow down and think and process and just like enjoy the simple things amazing for that but when it's outside of that I feel like my brain gets just like exhausted from it um so I'm trying to be very intentional about my usage and just making sure it's like the right time you know what i mean and honestly with the way i live like very creatively have a lot of free time it's okay to probably you know frequently participate in the weed usage especially because i do do a lot of creative work but like when i was in a position where it was

like lots of work or lots of schooling that was definitely a time where i had to sit down and navigate my weed usage and be like maybe i need to like save this for the evenings or save this for a time where it's actually beneficial and useful for me you know but love that love a successful tea break hope your first you know first little dab first little joint back is fantastic for you all right someone also asked how do i know what my gut intuition is telling me to do this is a great question especially if you're like an anxious person i feel like those overwhelming thoughts and you know that voice in your head sometimes gets out of control like very out of control so it's hard to tell and differentiate like what is truly a gut intuition and what is

just anxiety um and honestly when i get into those you know repetitive thoughts repetitive feelings um trying to understand them i have to stop and ask myself like is this something that is causing fright that is making me scared that is making me nervous that is making me anxious or is this something that when i think about it brings me like this overwhelming kind of sense of peace of like relaxation of knowing like this is the right thing that is how you differentiate between the two now gut instincts intuitions things like that they're not always going to be easy okay they're not always going to be the easy thing it's not always going to be this like beautiful rain rainbow sunshine you're putting your hands on a crystal ball and you know the universe is

revealing itself to you like it's not like that sometimes you know those gut intuitions and feelings are telling you to do something that might be harder for you or might be a path that is less traveled or might be something that is going to you know be difficult but when thinking about those things you think about them and although they are scary and the hard thing to do and bring you a little bit of nervousness it's like no this is you know what is for me this is what is meant for me this is the path I should head down and through that understanding there is like a sense of peacefulness you know of a sense of truth a sense of knowledge of understanding yourself and what you need now when I'm getting anxious spirals and anxious thoughts I'm like

okay my heart rate's going up like I can't breathe like these are things that are like causing me more fright and more anxiety and it's not really giving me any true sense of self or understanding or peace it's just like fear and it's also not rationally based okay there's not a lot of things that are speaking truth into it other than it's a reoccurring thought that is anxiety that is you know um unprocessed unworked through thoughts that's not intuition that's not a gut feeling um but yeah like even when i was like you know going through breakups um you know picking a new college all things that are very hard or even dropping out of college oh my god all things that are very very hard you know hard decisions to make moving out of my parents house

randomly um moving in general these were all thoughts that i was like i know this is kind of going to be a very hard decision and i'm going to tell it to some people and they're going to be like they're crazy or they're not going to trust you or they're not going to you know believe you in some sort of way I don't know um but in your gut in your mind it's like no this this is what it's supposed to be this is you know what I'm supposed to choose this is the path I'm supposed to go down like it just feels right in a sort of way so I hope this helps you know differentiate some between something someone asked shy poopers that's so funny um i feel like i'm not a shy pooper are you a shy pooper i feel like i used to be but i was just i was also like very self-conscious

and way too aware of my body and it's like you gotta step outside your body for a second understand like we all do this thing there's nothing to be embarrassed of like i'm never gonna like shit in public in front of somebody um i'm a little shy about that maybe like a very close friend i don't think i've even pooped in front of my boyfriend um just because also like i do enjoy a sense of privacy but if like i'm gonna trip and i need to shit like i'm gonna go to the bathroom and i'm gonna do my thing do you know what i mean you can courtesy flush you can do whatever you need to do but it's like at the end of the day we all do this thing okay i had a friend or I still have a friend but she wasn't has never been afraid of pooping never we go to

the bathroom together she just like full-on take a shit right then and there and it's like honestly I love that confidence I love that because like honestly who cares why are you thinking about it why are you judging other people's poops like we do have to get through it it is a little funny I get that but you can laugh along with people and also like don't hold that shit in literally okay it's gonna be bad for you hey Hannah so I had a question about how to deal with your family being super judgmental and just kind of like even when they say they're supportive they're really not like they say they're supportive and then I tell them something or like I do something and then they go and talk about it amongst themselves behind my back. Like that's the vibe. That's

kind of like my family, especially when it comes to like stuff I tell my mom about my relationship with my boyfriend. Like if it's something hard that I'm going through or that I had to talk to my boyfriend about, it like goes around. Like my mom tells my aunt, my aunts tell each other and then tells my grandma, whatever. So how do you deal with that? Okay, I very much so feel this, especially with my family. It can kind of go two ways. So, A, you have to understand family dynamic, and you have to understand your own family dynamic in a sort of sense, because I think it can go kind of two ways.

um one is that you know your mom your aunt your grandma all have a very close tight-knit relationship and maybe the things that you're struggling with are also maybe things that they're struggling with to give you answers on and to give you honest feedback and responses and this is why um in a sense like gossiping is very very important it keeps women very safe um you know getting real reliable answers from a broad perspective of people um but when it comes to like protecting women that's usually in a sense of like don't eat this plant or don't date this man or this is a red flag or this is how to take care of yourself when it comes to deep personal relationship things I get that when you are are indulging into one person your secrets you do not

want that spread anywhere else like if you wanted it spread to those people you would have told those people um so a it can be like okay your family dynamic is all those people are very very close and they share everything with each other so you have to know that going forward and maybe you're not going to share those things with those people or maybe you're going to be like hey mom this is a strict boundary with you and i do not want this divulged to other people can we keep this between us you know give her a shot if it happens again then you know maybe you lose some trust there and maybe you revoke some privileges in a sort of sense you maybe stop you know divulging those secrets with her or as in-depth as you usually would which sucks and I get that but

your family are people who you're gonna have to set up boundaries with they do not have access to crossing all of your boundaries just because they're family you do have to set those with your family as well and they're sometimes the hardest people to set it with because you want to kind of have no boundaries you want to be open and honest and comfortable with them but we don't all interact the same now there's also a way of looking at this where they're just gossipers you know it's not healthy it's not like a oh they're divulging in each other to make sure they're you know getting a good answer or keeping you safe or really just working through this problem together no maybe there's gossipers and like talk shit which is very much so not healthy

and if that's the case you do need to set harsh or not harsh but like real boundaries you know with those people um and also maybe boundaries with yourself if you want to give them you know another shot and you divulge these things to these people and you say hey i do not want you talking about this to other people i know this has been an issue in the past can we not have this happen again because i want to keep my trust with you that's a very normal regular thing to say to a person i feel like and they should respect that but if they can't maybe we can learn from that and we can take that and be like okay well maybe I just can't share as many things as I'd like to with you which sucks and I've kind of gotten that way with my family as well where

it's like I'm not gonna tell them every single thing I have going on because I just don't want to deal with the judgment or the thoughts or the talks behind my back like all of that is stuff I could live without and I'm living happily on my own so I'm gonna share what I would like to share with people and I'm going to talk with them about their life if they'd like to because I have no problem with that um and I'm going to keep it on a pretty surface level you know level which does suck and I get that and it's hard and it sucks coming to that conclusion a little bit um but you do have to protect yourself um and sometimes you do have to set those boundaries and this goes beyond family this can go with friends this could go with co-workers this could go with

you know uh significant others this works with everybody if they break your trust you have to learn from it and you have to really evaluate that relationship with that person ask yourself like is this a malicious intent or is it maybe innocent but we got to talk through it a little bit and really you know make sure we set some boundaries here or is it maybe i need to step back from this relationship just a little bit and maybe reach towards others when it comes to issues or questions or things like that and it's hard especially with family because you know you are so close especially you know growing up together constantly being around them and also wanting to be honest and open with them um but just like any person if they break your trust you really do need

to step up and protect yourself a little bit so hopefully you can figure it out I hope your relationship with your mom um does build up I hope you can work to a good solid level but I do understand not wanting to get talked about behind your back and having that not be super fun so it's okay to step back a little bit you know protect yourself someone said i just turned 21 and i've never felt less like an adult i'm so lost that's because you're not an adult i know what they say you're an adult but i feel like the ages of like we'll go with 20 because your teens are your teens up until 19 you're a teen but 20 to 23 which I'm 23 right now I really do not think you're an adult and I know they give you the title of an adult and I know they tell you to figure it out as if

you are an adult but just honestly we don't have the real world setup or experience to be an adult quite yet so give yourself some time give yourself a little forgiveness work with yourself and understand that you are not going to have it all figured out but that's you know the process of figuring it out um and it will come with time it'll come with just being patient and trustworthy with yourself so if you don't feel like an adult it's okay all right and don't compare yourself to other people compare yourself to who you are in the past and compare yourself to who you want to be in the future and compare yourself to who you are today okay that's the only three people you should be comparing yourself to um and in a healthy way and I would like to build myself up

and move forward and work forward kind of way but honestly you're not gonna have it figured all figured all out right now and honestly you probably won't have it figured out even past 30 there's constantly new things you're gonna be learning as you grow up and as you develop as a human and you'll learn new things every year so because honestly who wants to stop growing and changing like i feel like at 80 i'll even be learning new things about being an adult or just being a human in general but if you don't have it figured all out right now that's okay you're 21 give yourself some time okay someone asked me my two favorite places in portland and one of them is thrifting and one of them is food so for me personally best thrifting spot because i like

going through a lot of shit um was holly i think it's called hollywood vintage giant warehouse basically with so many fucking vendors i could have spent hours maybe days okay going through this place but i had a piece so fucking bad so i was only i was in there for 45 minutes which honestly is a long time to hold your pee if you have to pee but if there's like vintage in front of me i'm fine like i can i can push that thought away i gotta go through everything and i got some really fucking cute stuff there so shout out oh and for cheap was amazing um but that and then birria pdx was like this food truck we went to it was like 11 a.m post bottle of wine and mushrooms and i was like i need a lot of food like right now like right now ideally and i got

the chili relleno burrito which had like the meat um cheese rice beans birria um chili relleno it was incredible fucking incredible their salsa was amazing and I slammed that shit so so good now I do have to say my boyfriend got the breakfast burrito not that great but it also was not a breakfast burrito spot so I forgive them for that but yeah at 11 a.m I devoured that giant burrito and it was fantastic hi Hannah um I just need your advice on how to break up with someone um I'm in a relationship I'm really unhappy and I've tried to leave him before but um and set boundaries but he will show up at my work um call me off different uh numbers and and message me and show up to my house and throw stuff at my window and I'll always fold and get back with him and I

have done it so much that he doesn't listen to anything that I'm saying and I also am not listening to anything what I'm saying like I do not have trust in myself but I need to get out of this um and I I just I don't know what to do I'm not gonna label him as a narcissist but definitely has those narcissistic tendencies has a very weird obsession with his mom like goes both ways him and his mom like it's weird and I don't like I don't want to hurt him um and I just I don't want to hurt anybody so like I just really need your advice I'm really struggling um all right bye i love you girl you need a restraining order like i hate to go there but it's like i feel like we as young girls are taught like oh when they show up on our front porch with a boom box or like

throw little rocks or pebbles at our window like it's romantic and like sure if we were 16 but when you're an adult and you're trying to set boundaries that person repeatedly breaks that boundary over and over and over and over again to the point where you're looking them straight in the face and you're telling them you don't want this and they're like i don't care that's harmful and i think if you went and you told those things to like a lawyer she'd be like yeah girl we're setting up a restraining order asap so set your set yourself free like even legally if you don't want him anywhere near you and also like you don't trust yourself around him then make sure you have harsh boundaries in place and if he's not listening to them

give him rules that he's gonna have to literally listen to and like file a restraining order straight up that shit's crazy i'm all about restraining orders like sure if you don't want someone around you i never filed one um i don't have any really like crazy stalkers never have thank god knock on wood i feel like i'm lucky as a girl to say that which is kind of fucking wild but i feel like i know so many women who have had stalkers and that shit's weird like if you feel uncomfortable yeah and it's constant and it's repetitive and he knows where you live and work i would just get a restraining order babes like go all out why not go big or go home you know okay so recently I've been doing a lot of journaling and for the past couple months I

haven't been doing journaling in a sense of like oh dear diary or this is what I did with my day or anything like self-introspection-y I was kind of just using it for lists and diaries or journals are fantastic for lists like to-do lists daily lists I will do like a weekly list a monthly list and then a daily list every morning it's a little part of my morning routine and honestly it's really helpful for keeping me just like in check on my shit you know what i mean um but journaling is also fantastic for self-introspection and me being the kind of person who is constantly doing self-introspection a little too much to the point where i'm like way too self-aware um i'm like well why would i journal when i can do lists you know like why would i do self-introspection when i'm

constantly talking to myself all the fucking time and here's the thing journaling can be very helpful for people who don't have those in inward conversations are not good at working through problems don't have that kind of constant inner self-talk journaling is fantastic for that gives you a moment to sit down to ask yourself how you're doing to really look inward to work through those thoughts and feelings but as the girlies who are like no no my mind is constantly fucking running and it will not stop and i'm constantly thinking about myself and other people and my environment and my relationship to the world journaling in a sense of like self-introspection gets overwhelming because it's like i don't want to do any more of that honestly um but

today i sat down and i did like 10 pages because i kind of switched my mindset from you know this isn't i don't need self-introspection i do but i need to slow the fuck down like i need to stop and force myself to slow down and think through my words and think through my thoughts fully and forcing yourself to like sit and write because my mind goes so fucking fast and it can my hand can barely keep up with my mind but it forces me to stop and slow my brain intentionally and work through those thoughts and feelings and really divulge into them and instead of letting them sit surface level on my mind and letting so many go through my mind I just stop weed out the important ones and you know let my handwriting do the pacing and that's been very very helpful for

me so one of those things I was writing about was sometimes you're you're the problem okay and this is actually a question that some girls submitted along with many other ones that were fucking fantastic actually three but they said realizing you're the problem and how life-changing that is realizing that only you can change your negative mindset self sets you free and communication is the root of a lot of issues true true true true true true true yep uh-huh absolutely I feel like a majority of my life I've constantly made excuses constant excuses excuses excuses excuses on why I can't do this thing why I won't do this thing why I can't have this thing why I can't make this happen why I don't want to take control of my life in whatever sort of way that I am thinking

about at the time because it's anxiety inducing and taking control of your life is hard and it is going to be a little scary because you are moving forward which is inherently scary but also inherently good so I feel like they cancel out in a sort of sense but me being terrified of anything fear-inducing I just like am avoidant in a sort of sense and I constantly make excuses whether it's an excuse for myself or other people or other things but sometimes you got to sit down and realize like it's not the outside world around you it is in fact you yourself and maybe you are the fucking problem and the reason that you haven't worked through any of this shit or you keep finding yourself in these circles or these patterns of behavior landing yourself in

the same fucking situation over and over and over again is not because of the outside things going on around you or the outside people it's because you are continuously getting yourself into this situation and how do we sit down and fix our relationship with ourselves and fix our trust in ourselves in order to escape this situation or these things or these circles and I honestly 1000% believe that the best way to fix that relationship with yourself to kind of take control over your life to really step into your life constantly get this as a question how do i step into my life how do i take control you know how do i actually like do what i want to do and it's life is all about a series of choices you have control of the choices you make and choosing

the right decision for yourself whether hard whether sometimes negative sometimes good whatever it is but you stepping up and making that active choice within your life is what is going to strengthen that relationship with yourself strengthen that trust and ultimately give you more control over your over your relationship with life in order to process it into a positive thing does that make sense me going on a rant every single time and then being like did anybody follow that is my brain are you guys catching up my brain am i saying anything that is meaningful here i feel like i am i am i'm going i'm getting here i promise but i feel like a majority of my life I have tied in a metaphorical sense my raft on a soaring river that is life to other people

because I was very much so enjoying going through life passively whether it was me actually enjoying life or me fucking hating life but either way me not having to make decisions and pacifying myself in a sort of way was being caused by me forcefully tying myself to other people's life whether it was like a bad relationship and letting that control me a bad friendship and letting that control me other people's perspectives and how they wanted me to behave and letting that push me and control me either way I was way too passive in my life and it made me fucking miserable and during that time I was utterly and absolutely resentful of those people and I hated those people and I thought they were the problem they shouldn't have put these thoughts or feelings

onto me they shouldn't have been mean to me they shouldn't have come for me like that or whatever it was but I was staying and I was following and I was letting these things happen to me and I was letting myself get drugged down the river forcefully attached to this person when I easily could have just cut ties and floated on along to the riverbank and chilled there like by myself do you see where I'm going here I was using other people as excuses when I could have stepped up and made adequate change to my life and realizing that sometimes you are the problem and you are the person not stepping up for yourself is game changing it's life changing literally being like no no wait I do have control of this and I am miserable and I do fucking hate this but it's up to me

in order to make a difference in my life in order to move forward in order to better myself in a sort of way and that was a big thing that I came to a realization in in my journal whether it was me completing my family from this trip or you know looking at the past it was like no no sure things were bad and we learn from them and we grow and we change but we can always find peace in understanding that we constantly have a choice of where we want to go and who we want to be and what we want to do and sometimes it takes just trusting in yourself and taking that leap of faith and choosing yourself. I wrote this in October, but I said, you have the chance to start again every day. If you've done it once, you can absolutely do it again. And I feel like that

really is just a great reminder for us on this beautiful little sunny Thursday. What else did they say? Realizing that only you can change your negative mindset sets you free. True. I feel like my negative mindset um i used to think was a once again excuses constantly blaming it on other people um i thought it was a relationship with myself and the world but i feel like my outlook on the world is way more about a relationship with me and myself and when people are being dicks to me and i have a bad relationship with myself i take it way too personally i'm extra hard on myself i'm really fucking mean to myself 10 times meaner than they probably were but if i have a healthy relationship with myself during that time it ebbs and flows you know we all have

different thought processes different you know moments in life but when people are mean to me and I have a healthy relationship within myself those people are mean to me and I'm like okay like who are you I don't know why you're coming for me anyways let me move on with my day that's how I know I have a healthy relationship with myself and being able to read that and realize that only you can really affect your outlook and working within yourself to better that outlook is very very important um and you can't expect somebody else to come into your life like and positively change it and you know pick you up and sweep you off your feet and fix you forever like that's not gonna happen unfortunately life is not a disney movie and the only person you can

really rely on you know coming and sweeping you up off your feet is yourself and trusting in yourself in that sort of way now not that like me sitting here and trying to be a positive person is not going to do anything for you people can show up into your life and show you good things and show you how to look at the world and you know give you positive things but until you are ready to sit here and receive that and reach out and take that information and then utilize it within your life then it's not going to help like you can hear and hear and hear it but until you are ready to actually step up and take control and really you know utilize that positive information that you've been receiving in your life then it's not going to happen it is totally up to you

and when you want to enact that into your life and then communication is the root of a lot of issues true i am such a communicative girl i feel like there has been a lot of hate on the girls who send paragraphs but i am i'm such a paragraph girl maybe not as much as i used to be like your girl was sending like essays to men that's not necessary they're not going to read all of that but you can set a solid paragraph i love a good paragraph because here's the thing the people who are meant to be in your life will receive that paragraph they will read it they will see it they will say i hear you i see where you are coming from whether i agree with it or not i see that you are feeling this way about whatever it was and i hear that and i respect that and i will do

better and we will move forward and we will grow from this those are the people you need to keep in your life the people that you don't need in your life whatsoever the people who receive that paragraph you send you fucking what is it the ping pong game back to you or hit you with a k those people don't give a fuck about you okay so send the paragraph fuck it you know if you don't get a response and you know who the fuck they are you said you got your piece you got it off your chest you said what you needed to say i'm all i'm i love it i love a good paragraph it feels so good just being like oh i'm getting this off my fucking chest like i am setting myself free from this weight last breakup i wrote my boyfriend like a three page long handwritten letter just

being like fuck you and honestly it was so cathartic i was writing it and i left it in like the tub of shit that i gave back to him and i was like i'm sending away all of these hateful feelings these feelings of regret these feelings of remorse i'm putting it in this tub and i'm sending away forever literally like you could write if you were going through a breakup right now or just anything where you need to get it off your chest like write it down put in a fucking jar throw it in the no don't throw in the ocean we're not littering sorry i was just thinking metaphorically you know burn it whatever you need to do that's why that's so cathartic on full moons um but just like get it off your chest i think that's so healthy to do sometimes it's

not super healthy to drop it on people all the fucking time like it's okay to keep some things to yourself but i do love a good paragraph i am gonna say that i do communicate say how you feel keeping it inside is never ever gonna make your relationship better ever okay and even if that communication is like hey I'm feeling anxious right now hey I'm just not feeling great right now like you don't have to tell them a thousand percent what's going on especially if you don't want to burden them all the time I get that as well especially as a girl who has a lot going on but I do think it's good to communicate how you're feeling um and your perspective on things but yeah I love a paragraph. Story time. Okay. I don't have a lot of time, but I love you. You're amazing.

Okay. So I wear your like smoke sesh hoodie to the gym every single morning. Okay. It's my smoke. It's my pump cover. And one day this guy complimented my hoodie. And then another time this girl complimented my hoodie. And so I became friends with the guy. And then I became friends with a girl and I found out that those two are friends and all three of us rave well I wasn't raving because me and my ex broke up it was decadence girly we broke up I didn't get to go but then the three people from the gym like they're my new rave family and we went to excision and it was just like the best time ever I'm so thank you Hannah thank you you helped me find my family you're the best i love you so much oh my god no thank you that is this is the cutest

fucking story ever i'm obsessed there is no stronger bond than a rave family like no stronger bond you trust those people with your life okay because you are partying you are living you are dying side by side with him you are on highs and lows you're on a journey with those people okay those people love you endlessly so i'm so glad that my hoodies were able to bring you guys together that's so fucking cute also shout out to you thank you for wearing as your pump cover love my girlies out there that is fucking adorable thank you so much for sharing also i have some new goodies coming out for you guys soon so stay tuned stay tuned promise they'll be out soon um but yeah oh my god you guys will occasionally tag me in photos of you wearing

my hoodies please please if you ever wear them tag me i love seeing them it is so cute i would love to see you in your little get up at the gym but i'm so glad you found your new little ray family oh my god that's so precious like i'm thinking back on like my old little group and the memories that we shared together and just the trust i had in those people and like the fun times i will never forget everybody needs like a good set of family friends do you know what i mean like not family but like family friends you know like you build your own family in a sort of sense um but i'm so glad you found that love you love you love you love you someone asked how do i get inspo for my art okay so recently i mean i haven't been on tiktok for a week and it's felt fantastic but

i've been really trying to retrain my brain in the way that i'm consuming media and the things I'm consuming so one of those things is tumblr love tumblr love pinterest too anything that's just like pretty pictures healthy relationship cute little quotes inspirational fantastic 10 out of 10 recommend please participate in those kinds of things I've been watching a lot of movies I've also been trying to read a lot of books anything like that really inspires me and fuels me whether it's reading a book about an artist finding a new artist that I can dive into I like to find one artist a month also that I can kind of really kind of get obsessed with and look into and find out their process and who they are and how they grew um I think that's very important to keep

yourself inspired is to also surround yourself with other people who are creative um and like to participate in the arts you know what I mean whether alive or dead um but my art inspiration definitely comes from just like pretty pictures and quotes and whatever I'm feeling at the time right now it's a lot of collagey stuff um but yeah good love 10 out of 10 love tumblr used to have a bad relationship with it but all the like kind of weirdos have been thinned out and now it's like the good weirdos does that make sense like it's no more pro anna stuff which tiktok honestly at this point has really taken over that so that's why i'm like i don't i don't need that like i'm seeing too many too many circles here too many you know reoccurring themes I don't need to be

around that um but Tumblr is fantastic love it also Twitter I don't I don't ever consume on Twitter but if I ever have like thoughts or feelings that I need to get out and I don't have a place to write them down I just tweet them so if you want to follow my Twitter it's smokesashuddy um but yeah that's another great place oh someone asked do I believe in true love I do I do believe in true love I also believe that it ebbs and flows and it's not just one person um and also love is not contained to romantic relationships I feel like oh my gosh romance you know comes from so many different things it can come from the earth it can come from art and come from people it can come from you know animals um but it is just like the feeling

of love does that make sense and you can feel that towards so many different things uh but true love is found in the things that make you feel at home whether it's a best friend who you can sit with in silence and constantly just be around or you know or even you're not constantly around but you still hold space for each other and love and respect and you catch up every once in a while that's true love when you have a partner that you feel completely and utterly comfortable with you know open with you have that healthy communication you have that sense of wanting and desiring each other um that's true love but or you know you're out in nature you find a spot you're in a place where it just feels right it feels like home you feel at peace here that's true love uh you know

developing a bond with a animal raising it from a young um like for me a kitten oh my gosh like i feel true love for my cat like i would die for him it is found in so many different things in so many different places and I'm constantly and I will be everlastingly chasing it uh but the theory and the idea that love and true love can only be found in a romantic partner of the opposite sex and it's only one person that you are destined to be with for the rest of your life I don't believe in that I don't think that's real I don't think there's only one person out there that is meant for you I think you can find love so many different times throughout your lifetime and that's what keeps me going um and that's what should keep you going maybe if you're heartbroken or you feel lost

or you feel like you can't find it right now give up a little bit like release you know and start looking at looking at it in places that you maybe have never thought about looking at it before you know instead of looking at at it in a person move to the earth or move to your animals or move to something you've been neglecting or move to yourself if you've been neglecting that um but Also, if you feel like there is nobody out there for you, I guarantee there is. I just, it's not going to be one person. It's not going to be one magical person who's going to fix you. And you guys are going to fit together perfectly.

I think there'd be many people. I think it can be one person if you want to be with one person for the rest of your life. But I do think if you have hope, you could find love anywhere. Someone asked, how do I make him better at eating pussy? He don't know what to do, but neither do I. girl sit on his face like just like ride his face oh my god i know that sounds crazy but it's like use him to get off i feel like men kind of like that i feel like men kind of like being used in a kind of like sexual way well it depends on the man but like yeah if you are like he's eating my

pussy bad but i'm just like sitting there and taking it and you don't want to like critique him in the act i get that like you don't want to be sucking some guy's cock and he's like nah that's bad are you kidding me you'd be like okay bye never again um so just like sit on his face and then like by you doing it and you know putting in the motion that you like i think he will notice that hopefully if he's paying attention and he'll be able to kind of like reciprocate when it comes to just giving you pleasure rather than you kind of getting pleasure from him hope that makes sense but i feel like it'll work someone asked traveling on a budget i actually love this question because i have a lot of trips coming up and i just went on one

someone also asked how much did i spend on this trip um they said not wanting to be nosy they just want to travel on the cheap and traveling on the cheap is absolutely possible you have to plan ahead. You really do. You know, the people who are like last minute, I'm going to hop in an airplane and I'm going to go here. That can occasionally be cheap, but usually more than not, it is going to be very expensive. Last minute things are going to be very expensive. Um, now sometimes it's cheap. I can't guarantee that, but I do know that planning ahead can, can be very cheap for you. So, um, I like to keep my flights round trip under $300. I can usually make that do, but I am flying usually very early in the morning or i'm getting home very late at night i have long flights long layovers

whatever it is i personally don't really mind i fly southwest is where you find the cheapest flights um and you get you get free drink okay cheap alcohol if you want you get free snacks and you get free movies on your phone with free wi-fi like and you get to pick your own seat what's better than that as long as you have your shit lined up to check in right on time for your ticket you can usually get a good boarding pass and be able to pick a good seat I've always gotten a window seat if I wanted it and this time the way home we flew right in the front front you know row which was fantastic tons of leg room so southwest all the way been loving them uh can find very cheap flights plan ahead a little bit when it comes to finding lodging I like to travel places where I can have

friends there because like free housing what's better than that and also crashing on a friend's couch love that as long as they're open to it you know go visit a friend give an excuse to go you know be around them go go give them a little fun go hang out with them go see their world a little bit if you don't have a friend out there i also get that airbnb used to be my go-to i could absolutely find an airbnb for so fucking cheap and you still can but i've stopped using airbnb because recently it's been so fucking expensive like i don't know why it's so much more expensive than it used to be um and I've started staying at hotels or hostels a lot of hostels if you are not comfortable with them like you don't like a bunk bed situation and a shared bathroom a lot of

hostels offer private rooms like for very cheap when I'm going to Denver I'm going to be staying in a private room in a hostel um and then when I went to Mexico we found a very cheap just like it was listed on Airbnb but it's listed more on Airbnb and I found it for cheaper online just looking through booking.com um but if you take time to really think plan ahead you can find housing on the cheap and also like I don't stay in my hotel room a lot like I don't need a fancy you know giant hotel room with all these amenities I'm usually not about the all-inclusive life because you can usually find alcohol and food somewhere else for cheaper um but I really enjoy you know I I'm all about what I'm going to be doing that day I don't need a hotel room that's

super duper fancy so i usually like to ball on a budget that way and then usually once you make it to the place activities are fairly cheap whether you need a rental car then like the rental car is basically gonna be the cost of the activities or if you can get around then the activities might cost a little bit of money and then that's kind of like in turn the price of a rental car if you can drive there 10 out of 10 recommend driving anywhere i've done a 17 hour trip to vegas before and honestly if you have a friend there you can switch driving it's not that bad and it's a great view along the way sometimes it's fun to do a little road trip you know what i mean um being with people and being able to split costs is always nice and i do recommend traveling with

somebody whether it's a friend going to visit a friend significant other family member whatever it is it's nice to have somebody there with you um but overall i feel like for a week for traveling and then staying somewhere i would say it's about 600 and then if i i balled out a little bit this time around because i had the money to do so so i would say it was about 600 for traveling and staying somewhere and then like 600 for what i spent in a week which is a lot i get that i get that but like seafood and clothing and all this stuff if it was like a weekend trip whatever I probably wouldn't have spent that much I probably would have bought a couple meals maybe a shirt nothing crazy but usually I can get that spending down to like $250-$300 for a week for

like meals and a little bit of fun here and there so I feel like you could do it for under a grand for a week if you plan ahead absolutely easily easily but I always like to save that money beforehand so then when I go out I'm not like like I'm anxious on this trip about money like i give myself a good month to be like okay let me plan let me see what i need to save so when i go on this trip i'm not anxious um and then buying ahead of the ahead of time paying for hotels ahead of time paying for flights ahead of time paying for transportation events whatever it is ahead of time so then you don't have to worry about those expenses when you are out and about i feel like those are the best kind of travel tips i can give you flying is cheaper always on tuesdays

flying cheaper always in the morning um like i'm going to mexico tuesday to tuesday because i was like those are the cheapest flights i can find i don't know why but flying on weekends are never a good idea you're always going to be buying like a 350 one-way plane ticket not worth it see what works for you see what works for the place work with the place you know go to walkable cities if you can new york's fantastic because you can just get around pretty easily um seattle was amazing because we could just walk everywhere portland was a little bigger we did have a rental car because we were driving a lot um so that helped but absolutely you can make it you can make it work okay travel see the world experience you can do it hi hannah i am a little bit sick right now

so if it sounds like i smoke a pack a day that's why but i wanted to ask you how you keep a good mentality about money basically i feel like i have two modes one i'm like oh like money flows back to me like it's fine it's all good I'm not gonna worry about money and stress myself out and then I just like I'm spending so much more money than I can afford to spend or I'm the polar opposite and I'm like I can't afford to get anything I can't buy anything like nothing's worth the cost and I like won't buy myself a burger at Burger King because I'm like worried about how it'll hurt my bank account if that makes sense like I feel like I'm always one end of opposite extremes And I was wondering what you do to practice being in the middle and having a good, healthy

mindset about money. I honestly think you just need a budget. Something that changed my life was just sitting down and like, I know there's apps that will literally do this for you, but something about my brain is like, no, no, we need to sit down and handwrite this shit all out. So what I did when I was kind of going through this cycle of like binging and purging, but money um sit down write down every single thing you spent money on categorize it so you can see okay i'm spending a lot of money here i'm only spending a little money here i'm doing good on

this you know i need to reel this one back in and then also you are going to write down the weekly amount of money you made so for me it's very inconsistent for you you might know like okay every two weeks I'm gonna get this paycheck so it'll be easier for you to kind of figure out how much you make a week and then out of that week what you are going to do is delegate a certain amount of money that you actually need okay to live your weekly life so whether it's like okay I need this much money for groceries and this much money for gas and then like a little bit for spending so I'm gonna give you I'm gonna give myself this much for spending and then the rest goes to savings. And you're going to do that for every week. And you are going to give yourself a

budget. And you're going to follow that budget. And having like rules, you know, to follow for yourself makes that binging and purging cycle a lot less prominent. And it's way easier to kind of just like, follow those rules and live that through your life healthily without like going on spending, you know, binges. Now, I'm the kind of person who, listen, I like to shop. I like to buy things every once in a while. Sue me, okay? Like, I like a good wardrobe. I don't know. I want stuff for my house. I'm a human. I'm gonna spend money every once in a while. So, you have to also allow yourself a little bit of a budget to spend money. Now, that's your free money. So, whatever you want to spend it on is whatever you want to spend it on. Whether it's like, okay, I only have this much

money but maybe I spend it all on one clothing item cool well hope you enjoy that clothing item or you can spend it on eight coffees or three dinners whatever it is like make sure you give yourself an adequate amount of spending money but also make sure you give yourself an adequate amount of like weekly money to get by but also make sure you're saving at least a little bit at least a little bit because then it'll make you feel a little bit better about like okay you know I'm getting by I have enough money to save a little bit like anything five dollars ten dollars is better than nothing um you know you're getting by you're you are surviving you have money to survive you're also spending a little bit you're cutting back on how much you were really spending

because I feel that I get into a mindset where I'm like I just buy so much shit it's like I don't need any of that it's more so like I just need a dopamine rush so having budget and rules for myself is very important to kind of hinder that spending craze that I go on every once in a while also having goals to set for yourself maybe you want to go on a vacation maybe you want to buy this big thing maybe you want a new car maybe you want a new apartment sit down figure out how much money that costs and then instead of whenever you get that urge like spend spend spend you're like no no I'm going to save the money I would have spent here for my goal that's coming up and then work towards your goal work towards what you want to do work towards that big thing because that big

thing will give you way more dopamine than all those little things that you're gonna forget about so yeah just work with yourself make a plan budget set some rules rules are way easier to follow when you just set them for yourself instead of having like imaginary rules in your head that change every once in a while which is like i'm not gonna spend anything to like no no it's fine i'm gonna spend everything it's like no we gotta have like constant consistent rules for ourselves and nobody makes those rules for ourselves but ourselves that's the hardest part about being an adult okay our podcast is coming to an end i know i know but this came out late so it means we're gonna be back together so very soon on tuesday but for the last thing that i want to

chit chat about is someone asked how to make it through this pisces season and for me personally I have a Pisces rising which I feel like I resonate very much so with especially with the you know crazy amount of emotions I've been feeling recently so I figured I'd kind of give you guys a little how to survive this season if you've been feeling a little chaotic a little bit more hectic um I feel like it's really all about finding ways to de-stress and incorporate balance into your life um Pisces is all about intuition listening to yourself not taking yourself for granted not taking the things you've built around yourself for granted appreciating yourself listening to that inside voice but also I understand that that inside voice can be a

little too fucking loud and a little too chaotic so this is a great time to really sit with yourself talk with yourself trust those gut intuitions maybe act on them a little bit maybe you know take a risk focus on career focus on future focus on yourself focus on what you want in the future and how you want to get there and how you can build yourself up in order to receive and reach into those things I feel like Pisces season is a wonderful season to plot and plan and work and really work inwardly about how to find stability within yourself which in turn will enact within your life if you're feeling a little chaotic a little emotional a little bit more stressed out than usual i get it run yourself a hot bath make yourself a little like bath

concoction that you can just sit in relax release a little bit journaling all is also a great way for release or forcing yourself to slow down and process and navigate the flow of thoughts that you have um but i feel like this podcast was a really great way to kind of divulge into the pisces energy going on right now trusting your intuition listening to yourself listening to those gut instincts realizing maybe you are the problem working with inside yourself to navigate your outside life and also not taking your outside life for granted we've built ourselves ourselves up this far don't take it for granted appreciate yourself appreciate what you've done for yourself how far you've gotten yourself because you got to do it hand in hand with someone why not be

have it be with yourself but I love you guys I hope you've enjoyed this little podcast like for being patient with me if you want any little extras you know where to find me on Instagram and Patreon I'll be posting pretty consistently for the rest of the week there just to catch up on some things I have a lot of content I want to share with you guys so love you all so very much and I will see you all next Tuesday