Smoke Sesh - mentally ill, womanhood sexiness & near death experiences

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

happy tuesdayyyyy happy to be back and chatting with you all on this beautiful day! I catch you all up on what I’ve been up to, moving, working out?? and how I feel about it ! and then I answer your questions such as attracting love, anxiety baddie tips, finding the right lingerie, losing your virginity, stay in school!! caffeine and a smoke break, blindsided breakups & learning to move on, crushes! learning to love your womanly body and body neutrality, being mentally ill and learning to love your brain, first dates, retrograde survival guide, self discipline, met gala, what we’re wearing this summer, near death experiences and learning to accept life, the spirituality of the smoke sesh and much much muchhhhhh more

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know? Just somebody to look out for them. Some people call me their fairy smoke mother, others their internet big sister, but you can call me Hannah, the host of Smoke Sash. So come hang out! Let's light up and talk everything there is to life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing. I've got a story for it all. good morning hotties how the hell are we all doing today how we feeling it is 12 o'clock okay good morning get up we got shit to do all right i don't know if i am your comfort get ready in the morning kind of person or if i'm your drive to work drive home from work you know running errands headphones in either way i am very much so channeling that energy today

um and i have been for a while now recently um i've been waking up and running every morning i know like pause what hannah you're putting on running shoes and you're physically moving your body what are we talking about here are you kidding me yeah i've been waking up running every morning it feels really good to just get that boom dopamine hit right away get my brain ready to go for the rest of the day it's also really nice because i don't know in the winter i really have a habit of holding myself up whether intentional like a seasonal depression little spiral or just like hey there's four feet of snow on the ground you can't really go outside um i just have a habit of being indoors so once it kind of gets sunny out i really really try and

make it a key focus in my day-to-day life to take advantage of the outdoors um the parks wherever i can possibly go wherever my legs take me just because i know i've been neglecting it during the winter and if i don't go outside and take advantage of you know the beautiful weather and the beautiful nature right now next winter is going to be even rougher because I'm going to be like I didn't get outside I didn't enjoy nature blah blah blah you know what I mean so I've been waking up having a little coffee packing a little water bottle going out to my local park going for a run and then getting the rest of my chores done for the rest of the day and it has been feeling really fucking good like really good like you know when they say oh you know for your mental

health you should really work out or you should really you know you'd feel amazing if you did yoga and you're like bitch shut up like i probably need medication and a therapist number one why are you recommending like deep breathing and yoga but they have like there is something very true about that statement as well of course there are many different ways you should be handling your mental health um many different aspects that you should involve but i do believe that like getting up and getting outside and moving your body and naturally producing those dopamine um you know heights within your life and feeling good about doing something with yourself is very good for you so unfortunately the health gurus oh my god were right

get outside work out you'll have a great time and i mean you don't always have to run i i sometimes walk i sometimes just hang out i sit i listen to my body i think that's kind of the key factor here a listen to your body ask your body what it needs don't deny that and also get outside enjoy nature she is flourishing she is bright she is having a fantastic time this spring and I also want to have a fantastic time right alongside with her so I also got the keys to my new apartment I teased a little photo on my Instagram yesterday nothing crazy I haven't really moved anything in I haven't even gotten around to packing anything really recently at all oh my god um but i do have about a month to move in my leases are overlapping right now so i really

want to take that time to be intentional about what i'm doing um today i'm going to deep fucking clean that bitch like like you have never seen anything clean before so when i move in when i move all my shit in she is ready to go not only will i be doing like kind of a spiritual cleanse but i'll also be doing a deep cleanse so if you are curious to see how the move-in process goes i'll be posting little like tiktoks um on my instagram page i guess reels whatever they're called little videos like that but then also more in-depth vlog style videos on my patreon so you can check them out there at hannah marlene but there are some very fucking big things coming april was kind of actually you know what it was a fun fun month we had 420 we did a lighter drop

or lighter case drop and you guys are getting those now and they look fucking so gorge i love seeing you guys light up with them um and this month i am moving so lots of decorating lots of deep cleaning lots of letting go of the old and in with the new i'm also going to denver to see Kali Uchis for a little weekend trip and then I'm also going to Mexico so lots of vlogs lots of content coming up very soon but these past five months it's funny I've been in a waiting period of like okay where's my life gonna take me okay I'm planning I'm planning but it's so far ahead that doesn't feel real so I'm kind of just enjoying the downtime and now like everything is switching very quickly which I love but it is crazy how fast time flies and if you really take

the time to sit down and plan ahead and uh you know set things up for yourself and set up goals and slowly work your way there even if it is like one thing a day or one thing every day before you know it you will be there it it is insane how fast the universe moves if you just put energy into it like just a little bit like a piggy bank you know you gotta keep adding to it you gotta keep adding a little to it but if you smash it open and take the money every week you're not gonna have anything to look forward to down the line when the piggy bank is full so you gotta slowly feed into it a little bit slowly feed into yourself a little bit and before you know it you will have a massive surprise waiting for you but big things coming not only for me but for all of us summer's coming

around my birthday is coming around and i'm so fucking excited the energy is high i'm also riding down this runner's high as well so with that being said i know what you guys are here for and i love you for that so let's jump into some questions oh this is a cute question how do i attract love someone asked um i believe to attract the most love into your life and keep in mind love can come from many different places. It can come from a romantic sense of love, friendship sense of love, companion sense of love, the sense of love that you get from the earth, the sense of love that you get from yourself. But all of those things are all very similar feelings, which is why I try to emphasize not putting so much energy and attention and time onto romantic love and

romantic love only because so many different types of love exist but the best way to bring love that feeling from whatever place you are trying to conjure it from into your life is to truly approach the world with a sense of optimism and a sense of love by you energetically pushing that energy out, approaching the world with that energy, approaching the world with positive uplifting, I'm trying to see the best, I'm trying to do the best for me, I am trying to approach the world in the best possible way. The world feeds off of that. Other people feed off of that. They will feel that energy and gravitate towards you. It's like when you're in a room full of people and you can stand next to one person and instantly tell their energy is off, their arms

are crossed they're side-eyeing you you know their back is turned to you whatever it may be you can tell they are not approaching the world energetically with love or optimism or really trying to seek that out they're closed off they don't want connections they don't want any of that and you're not drawn to that that's not dark and mysterious and attractive no you're like okay weird moving on and then you see the person in the room who is talking and you know maybe they even aren't talking but they seem open and they're looking around and you know their arms aren't crossed they're energetically open to the world and their surroundings about them it can be just the way they present themselves or where they carry themselves or whether speaking to other

people that you energetically are like yes they're approaching the world with love optimism respect and you are energetically drawn to that when you feel that within yourself and then push it outwards people recognize that the world recognizes that the universe recognizes that and it will draw that energetically back towards you times a thousand okay what you give out into the world whether it's energy into yourself energy into other people energy into your passions just general love towards things you will notice that the world will deliver that back to you tenfold always so if you're trying to attract love into your life through whatever you know medium possible the best way you can get a head start into bringing

that towards you is to step into it yourself someone said uh my anxiety goes crazy 24 7 Tips? Yes, I actually do have tips. Any other anxiety baddies here? Raise your hands. Yeah, girl. Okay. Yeah, I have had anxiety my entire life, constantly, like panic attacks from a young age and I feel like for me personally my anxiety is at a peak when I am bored and I had this conversation with my dad because I was like you guys put me into so many different sports or so many different hobbies that I literally didn't care about and he goes yeah that was to keep you distracted and keep you working and keep you moving and when I was younger I kind of resented that because it felt like I have no free time for myself but now that I'm older I'm realizing

like that was a really good um habit to enforce in me because I realized whenever I'm bored and I'm just sitting around my anxiety goes insane like berserk like I'm whipping myself up into a frenzy and like I enjoy sitting down and having my alone time sure but when I have too much of it and I'm just alone with my brain and I let my brain kind of take over it is not good it is not good whatsoever okay the best thing for your anxiety is to not be bored okay so that can mean you getting up and going on a run in the morning because you know your anxiety is the worst after after your caffeine your morning caffeine or maybe it's building legos within the confines of your own home because you don't really want to leave but you want to distract yourself

working with your hands is a fantastic way of distracting your brain um moving your body physically is a fantastic way of distracting your brain from those anxious constant ever-flowing thoughts another thing when you whip yourself into that anxiety frenzy it feels like your brain is taking over your body right so to counteract that and to kind of this is gonna sound a little crazy but to stop that flow like it's kind of like a negative flow state where my brain is just like rambling and going on and what if this thing happens what if this bad thing happens or oh my god i'm hyper focusing on this or what if he's cheating on me or you know all the crazy thoughts that you're having I will literally go to my mirror look myself dead in the eyes and be like

stop like that sounds so dumb but literally like stepping into the adult shoes and understanding that you are in control of your brain yes you are and stepping forward and being like we're done we are not doing this anymore quit it like like when your dog's getting in the trash like stop literally that's what i have to do with my brain because it loves to take control of me and it loves to take me down deep dark paths and you really can't let it so i'll do that in conjunction with also a physical redirection of let's do something else now maybe let's put on a podcast and cook some dinner let's sit down and paint let's go on a walk let's call a friend whatever it may be the best thing for your anxiety is to quickly introduce a distraction to get you

off that path because a lot of anxiety is not based in reality actually I'm going to say a majority of it is not based in reality which is what makes it so anxiety inducing because it's the what if the what if this happens what if this happens what if this is going on it's not reality based so there's a set of like questions you can ask yourself like what can i do about this right now if there's something you can do about it then don't worry because you're gonna do that thing but if there's nothing you can do about it then don't worry because you're just gonna have to go through it either way you are going to get to the other side and be okay but a lot of those anxiety inducing thoughts are not based in reality and you really have to tell yourself like stop this

is not productive you are overthinking you are hyper thinking on something that is not going to happen and then physically introducing a redirection to put your brain onto the next topic put your brain onto the next thing to think about put your brain onto a path that's a little healthier i hope this helps i love my anxiety baddies i hear you i'm here for you and i love you we will get through this together okay someone asked uh trying to love yourself in lingerie as a mid-sized girly uh they also asked about dating but i feel like this lingerie question is especially important because lingerie is so fun um if you guys have not gotten into lingerie or haven't you know decorated yourself in the sense i really really encourage you to do so it is so so fun

but whatever body shape you are the point of lingerie is like I said it's all about decorating yourself so if you are like well look good on her and it might look good on me or oh everybody seems to be wearing this now so I should wear it or oh this is the style right now so I should wear it if that's the point of view you're going from you're gonna put it on and you're gonna feel like a little sexy but you're not gonna be feeling yourself feeling yourself that energy that okay I'm stepping into who I am I'm feeling hot I'm feeling sexy which is the point of lingerie comes from you choosing things that you see and that you know will make you feel sexy okay so instead of from other people's point of view and what they want go from your point of view and what

you want you are the one decorating yourself you are the one putting yourself in this beautiful lacy you know four piece five piece set or maybe it's hot oiled up latex whatever calls to you do it okay so if you see something and you're like oh i love the dainty little flowers and pastel colors and that's such my vibe like oh my god i'm gonna feel so cute in that that's what you go for okay don't go after what other people are doing go after yourself that is the old or go after what you want for yourself that's the ultimate way of feeling the sexiest but yeah laundry is so fun um once again a huge fan of decorating yourself whether it's jewelry clothing but especially lingerie and you don't have to wear it for other people although it can be a fun way

to spice up the bedroom um and like have fun with your partner or have fun with a new partner or make you know a little sexy time more fun you can also just do it for yourself and it can be like your hot little secret when you go out with your friends to a bar you'd be like i'm in a full lingerie set under this dress or like under this outfit and no one knows and it's this fun little secret that i have with myself and i'm feeling so sexy doing so um or like maybe you're just getting dressed up, and taking pictures of yourself. Whatever it may be, lean into it. Have fun. As a girl, I love, love, love just dressing up, especially in like a sexy little lingerie set. But yeah, go after what you want. Decorate how you want, what you would feel the

sexiest in, okay? Not what other people want for you, what you want for yourself. Hi, Hannah! First off I want to say love the podcast I listen every week but um what I wanted to say is that I'm 18 and I've never had sex before and I'm like the last of all my friends and stuff and it kind of makes me insecure but I'm too scared to do anything about it my whole life I've kind of just been too afraid and insecure to talk to boys and I was wondering if you had any tips of overcoming that fear and yeah love you hi cutie first of all love you second of all don't feel like you're behind or don't feel like you need to rush I think is the best tip I can really give any of my virgin cuties out there because listen i know you feel like you're behind

but i was in your exact same position okay i was 18 i had not had sex yet i was the last of my friends to lose their virginity um and i feel like when you're at that point in time where you haven't had sex you haven't really experienced sex other than what the media portrays to us or like porn or whatever it may be or your friends you put sex on a pedestal where it's kind of like a very very important thing in your life sex it's something that's almost like driving you when in reality you kind of need to take it off that pedestal and put it on a separate pedestal where instead of the sex is controlling you you are controlling the sex you want to make sure you are going to have the best time you want to make sure you're vetting your partners and making sure they're a

respectable understanding person who's going to listen to you and your boundaries you want to make sure that the sex you're having is good sex and of course you don't really know what good sex is until you have it but i think the best thing you can really do for yourself in this situation is a have patience don't try and rush through life as fast as you can because you have so much time to have as much sex as you possibly want um and you're 18 okay babe you're chill you got time you got plenty of time um patience with yourself and also be a little picky okay when i was 18 and i was feeling that pressure like oh my god i need to lose my virginity or whatever it was i rushed it a little bit and i wasn't picky i just found the first guy who i thought could work and guess

what it wasn't that great of a situation um it wasn't awful but like i feel like people talk about your virginity like you know you're having sex on a bed of rose petals no it's not gonna be like that um and he was just a guy who wanted to get his dick wet he didn't really care that i was a virgin so it's like take time to find a guy who's going to be like yeah i don't really care you're a virgin still want to hook up but also is going to listen to your boundaries trust in your boundaries take it slow make that experience a good experience for you you know because you deserve that and the only thing you can really do to make sure that happens is to be a little judgmental be a little picky with the men okay you don't need to rush you don't have to rush and

lose your virginity you're gonna have plenty of sex you know afterwards or you know it throughout your life so allow yourself time to just grow naturally and have those things approach you naturally because they will they absolutely will one million percent but yeah i wish the one thing i could have told myself when i was in your position at your age was to just chill sex really is not that important and if you revolve your whole life around sex it's gonna be a hot mess so you might as well remove it from the pedestal right now but also you need to kind of replace it onto a different pedestal of but i want to love and honor it and i want to make sure that i'm having good sex and in order to do so you really just gotta yeah be picky interview these men

make sure they're you know people that you're vibing with make sure that underlying comfortability is there sex is weird it's going to get a little gross you're going to have a little laugh you know it's vulnerable it's a little uncomfortable it's a little you know disarming but if that underlying level of comfortability with that person is there all those like little things that are kind of silly or weird during sex don't really matter because you're able to bond have that chemistry and have that comfortability with that person and listen you can build that comfortability within a night you can build that comfortability within a month but you will know when it's there because throughout the chaos of it all you'll feel this little peace you know

but i love you there's no rush to grow up there's no rush to lose your virginity don't feel like you're the odd one out just have fun let life approach you okay someone said how to not drop out of school babe it's may you got this you just gotta finish may and then you were into summer you get a little break which is fucking fantastic this is the only time in life also that you're gonna be allotted a break as much as it probably doesn't feel like a break when you get into the real world and you have a job there's no summer break there's no let's take two and a half months off to vibe to to chill no so take advantage of it while you know you have it you're about to enter summer break have a blast and also understand college high school school in general whatever

is just about you showing up showing up and turning shit in of course there's more nuance to that of course but it's also a very important I feel like life lesson like I get it's an institution and it's set up but in turn like high school is a fantastic life lesson of teaching you how to show up on time and persevere through hard things and college is a fantastic life lesson of teaching you how to budget your time and make sure you can handle you know hard things make sure that you can show up not only for yourself but also maybe for your group for your peers um that you can advocate for yourself they're fantastic life lessons and unless you go through them completely you're never going to learn them and I as someone who's dropped out twice regret doing so very much

because I understand when I would have exited college I would have been a little bit more stable having graduated than if i just dropped out trust me you want to finish it you're going to be much more successful much more understanding of yourself and the people around you and a little less stressed if you just persevere you got this i love you you guys are about finished with school for the school year are you so fucking excited i would be so excited oh my god then you get two and a half months i get even if you have a job during the summer i always had a job during the summer it's still summer break which is so fantastic so enjoy it treat yourself until the school year comes back around take a time to really rest relax reflect and enjoy your break

so then next year when you're stressed out again you can at least be like well i had a great summer you know i really took advantage of that time that i had off love you you'll get there you you gotta power through you gotta graduate you gotta get that degree babes you're gonna be so much better for it my brain is kind of dying i don't need whoa do you see do you see the conundrum i'm in i think i'm gonna have some caffeine i think i might smoke a little bowl do you guys want to smoke with me let me crack open this caffeine i've been really getting into celsius recently um let's see i have a strawberry guava and listen i know it might give me cancer i heard they were getting uh let's do a strawberry lemonade that sounds

bomb the best one i had yet was like a pear it was like a fresh pear you want to hear this crack oh how nice was that um but these are fantastic they are like a red bull minus the sugar which is what i really need because i love a red bull um but the sugar really just fucking it's just a lot for me i cannot lie like i'll feel it the next day like in my tummy my tummy will be heavy i'll be like damn this is just too much um anyways i'm packing a little bowl would you like to do so with me how are you guys doing today you vibing you hanging out you having a fantastic day i am okay bowl loaded cheers babes let's get into it of course lighting up with my little smoke sesh gold lighter case you can find them on my instagram in my bio go get one anyways

okay back on track ladies and gentlemen feeling fantastic let's get into it someone said um any break of advice when you didn't want it to end been there first ever boyfriend let me put you at the scene first ever boyfriend you're so in love it's the first time you've ever experienced love which now looking back was only a fraction of the love you can really honestly feel but at the time it's the first time you've ever felt it so it's just like overwhelming incredible and also we're oh i gotta shut my window they're doing construction it's gonna be so goddamn loud okay also um you know you have been sold this idea of love where it's like you get together with a person you feel this connection and then you're

together forever right and then all of a sudden your boyfriend's calling you christmas night like 9 p.m is like i'm high i can't do this anymore and you're like what what about the theoretical children what about what about the house you're gonna buy together what about what about this i thought you were perfect i thought you loved me i thought i was good enough you know and it's soul crushing because it's like well what the fuck did i do you know i put my all into this i gave you everything this was going fantastic and then boom all of a sudden it's just not anymore you know like either you fell out of love or they fell out of love whatever it may be breakups coming out of nowhere kind of suck they are honestly the worst kind of breakups not to be

like make your situation worse but you know the breakups where it's like been coming to a head you're fighting all the time you're like fuck this person i can break up with them and then live life out of spite because I hate them because they hurt me whatever it may be those are easy I am fantastic at burning bridges like love it me I am a professional revenge getter and I don't get it by going after them I get it by bettering my life and when people hurt me I level up to an extent that is unimaginable and it's incredible and it is a power that I love like stepping into even though it requires me to get hurt there's something about it where it's like yeah fuck this person it's easy to move on because I want better for myself and they hurt me and after somebody

hurts you you you know you want to move forward especially if you're breaking up and getting away from them of course you want to do better those are easy it's hard where you're like I woke up this morning loving you with my whole heart and all of a sudden it's over and I thought everything was going okay so when breakups are kind of like out of the blue or you didn't want to end it you have to understand from a logical standpoint a this person doesn't want to be with you anymore whatever it may be maybe nothing maybe you did nothing wrong maybe nothing has to be wrong but they chose a different life path that doesn't include you and that's really all there is there's not some specific thing that you have to try and figure out there's not some specific

thing that you have to try and fix you can find peace and understanding that this person didn't pick you yes that sucks yes that hurts of course that breaks your heart comes out of the blue you're unsure what to do but you have an answer you have an answer you have a choice now to either a live in the past and be like well I could have done this or what if I reach out or maybe if I change my hair color if I said this or that's all I thought about after my first breakup like but what if I contact him or what if we hang out one more time and he remembers how much he likes me or what if this or what if that he didn't give a fuck he was on his own life path he was moving forward as much as he enjoyed me and loved me as a human being he understood that the path that he

wanted to go down did not include me anymore and he chose that path and i needed to see him choose that path choose a path of himself and instead of trying to run down his path after him i needed to continue down my path it sucks when the universe kind of throws you a loop or you know the world hits you sideways and you're now living in a reality that you never could have possibly expected but the one thing you can do for yourself is show up stand by yourself and pick yourself up and continue down the path of what is right for you you gotta roll with the punches if someone leaves you that's their loss I understand it hurts I understand it sucks I understand you know it's heartbreaking I'm not saying like disregard those feelings bitch how are you not feeling fantastic

right now how are you not you know I get it no after my first breakup I cried for like two and a half months straight you have to feel those feelings you have to let them out you have to realize okay maybe this wasn't the person for me and I couldn't make that decision but they did and you can be thankful for that or you can you know just keep moving you have to feel those feelings but keep moving on the path of ultimately what is best for you and if that person is veering off your path don't go running after them you're gonna get lost in the woods babe and we don't need to be lost out there okay you gotta stay on your one directed path and keep fucking pushing forward as much as it hurts as much as a 360 the one truth that we have in this life is that and like

the one ultimate comfortability for me is that no matter what I'm going through I could be going through the worst fucking time of my entire life I could have no one around me you know any of those things but I will always be right there next to me to be like you know what bitch I'll wipe your tears I'll be here with you on the bathroom floor sobbing I'll stand by you I'll buy you chick-fil-a when you're sad we'll go on vacation soon I promise we'll get up we'll keep walking we'll keep moving forward you have to have that with yourself that is a power that is unmatched you have to tap into that you got to pick yourself up okay and understand that ultimately the best thing for you is not always what you pick everything doesn't always go your way sometimes

but you can still keep moving forward keep working forward i love you you will get through this i promise you okay i look back on that relationship but like first ever you know love out of the blue breakup completely heart-shattering relationship and i look back and i know at that point in time i thought he was the one and now sitting here i am like thank god he broke up with me because i was so blindly in love i didn't see any of the red flags that i see now i don't see any of the issues that i see now um and i would probably be on a pretty fucking bad path right now if we were still together so thank god he broke up with me thank god he had the strength to to do that to make that hard choice that i didn't want to make for myself okay and ultimately push me veer me

onto a better path even though at the time it didn't feel like it now I'm sitting in a place that is so incredible I'm looking around me and I'm like honestly thank god I got broken up with at like 19 by some loser man like that really that really made me who I am today and I am a fantastic human you'll get through it you'll look back you'll be like I did that I went through that I stood by myself and I'm in a better place because of it and it is a fantastic feeling So hold on. Show yourself a little bit of love and extra kindness. Reach out to friends. Get outside if you can. Eat your favorite food. Call your mom. Whatever you can do. Keep pushing forward. Love you. Hey, Smoke Mother. Calling in from Knoxville, Tennessee. I just smoked a bowl

I felt like chatting with the girlies so okay I got two things um one I finally talked to my crush today and I got her number um I've been wanting to talk to her like all semester but I'm a very shy person who's gay and goes to a southern university so it's scary to flirt with girls for sure but I just feel proud of myself and I just wanted to tell anyone else out there who's listening if you have a crush to just go for it you know it could be your last chance um oh shoot okay I'm running out of time hold on another thing um and this is like totally 180 totally different topic but um I know you've talked about this in earlier episodes but about like going through a second puberty. Um, well, let me tell you, you were not lying. My

boobs have literally grown a cup size and I'm used to a small chest, like an eight cup president of the itty bitty titty committee, all of that. And now I don't, I just, I don't know what to do with these things but um I don't know I'm just like I'm almost mourning my adolescent body um as I welcome this like second transformation um into like a woman's body but yeah if you have any advice on coping with that maybe some affirmations that would be lovely but anyway hello baddie okay love this I love that we all also collectively have cotton mouth all the time hilarious because sometimes i listen back to like my voice on these and i'm like oh my god girl the cotton mouth which is so funny um but listen you can't really help it like no matter the amount of water you

drink like unless i'm constantly drinking water it's gonna happen to me i wish there was a cure only cure i've really ever found is like candy like suckers jolly ranchers fantastic cough drops if you're sick but also just like drinking water anyways anyways sorry to completely get off topic love that you talk to your crush that is baller cute love it supporting you i knew or still do know this libra girl i used to work with they are the most casually flirtatious people i have ever met in my entire life like when i first met her i thought she was just like cute sweet not that she's not cute or sweet but just like a quiet timid shy kind of girl like she wasn't super out there and i feel like of course that is still also the energy she carries but

when she sees somebody and she's like they're cute she's like immediately up to them chit-chatting going over making sure her presence is known saying hi giving a little giggle flirting back you know giving out her phone number and i love that energy because it's so playful and it's so fun and like she's not like getting around and sleeping with all these people also if she was who gives a fuck but just the energy of being like no that person i see them i want to connect with them whether it's just like an one interaction or like a lifetime i want to go make my presence known and i find that very admirable like i love that energy i love when people are just like no i don't give a fuck i'm gonna go say hi i'm drawn to their energy i'm gonna go introduce myself

that is so fun but also as a reserved girly which you might be as well going up and flirting is also sometimes super scary so whenever you are a little fearful anybody listening to go introduce yourself to you know a crush say hi whatever it may be you need to make a friend with a Libra person or think about my friend and understand that life is too short to hold yourself back from things that you want because who knows it could go any direction that you possibly want and the one thing about life that's kind of fun is that it is a game you can make active decisions and choices for yourself and it doesn't have to be so intense where it's like i'm gonna talk to this person and marry them like no just go spark up a conversation see where it goes if it's awkward and weird be like okay

peace i'm gonna move on and if it's really enthralling and amazing then look at that you made a new connection you made a new friend literally nothing goes wrong you can't lose you can't lose anyways i really hope your little um you know your crush goes well i hope you guys hang out i hope you guys mesh well that is so exciting i'm proud of you for also working through that anxiety and then also uh yeah second puberty yeah it's a real thing it's a real thing we cannot be teenagers for the rest of our life as much as we want to we can honor that but our physical body is just a vessel that we're carried in um and it's going to change and develop and age and grow and you know you break bones you heal bones you cut your hair you grow your hair so many different

things are going to happen to it and the more you allow not only your mind to flow through your life but also your body the freer you're going to feel um so don't confine yourself to being 16 if you're 25 that is the best advice I could possibly give you because your 16 year old self is going to be thrown for such a loop living in your 25 year old life while also your 25 year old life is going to be thrown for such a loop living in your 16 year old life you gotta allow yourself to ebb and flow and grow not only mentally but physically and sometimes you have a choice in it just like you know life sometimes we have a choice in the game we play in life sometimes we don't have a choice and the universe throws us a curveball same thing with our body the more you

are about allowing it to happen and not holding yourself to such harsh harsh standards whether it's ones you set for yourself or other people people set for yourself the freer you're gonna feel okay you gotta work with it not against it but yeah second puberty real thing i was trying on all my summer clothes and I'm like oh my god my ass is so fat like woe is me oh my me and my fat ass life is so hard no no it's just my hips have widened naturally occurring thing older I get your hips are gonna widen you're gonna gain weight in new places I wish I was getting fat titties what the fuck um but you know grass is always greener on the other side and instead of being like which was a thought in my head instead of you know entertaining this thought of oh my

god I need to lose a hundred pounds or not that would be horrible awful um I need to lose weight I need to you know do I need to change myself back to my teenage self I need to you know like trying to force myself into a box that i'm not gonna fit in i was just like oh i'm just gonna donate and sell these clothes and i'm gonna look at this and as an opportunity get new ones um and i am going to work with it and you know i'm gonna work with my body and also instead of feeling so against my body i'm gonna try and tap into it more maybe do more yoga maybe run a little bit whatever it may be and that in turn will offset that need to control it in a different more awful sense uh but yeah your body changes the best thing you can really do is i mean in

any changes in life but especially with your body is to work with it not against it um it really is just a vessel and i love you know body positivity i love positivity in general but i think body neutrality is honestly the ultimate way to go um you do not have to love yourself to understand to be to understand that you are deserving of love you don't have to be loved to understand that you are deserving of love you existing being here in any shape form size um you know life experience inherently are deserving of love no matter what period love you happy womanhood also i personally little positivity here i love growing into my new womanly body because i feel like previously like the highest level i could really be was like hot i was just hot you know like that's it but now i'm

like we got some curves okay like i got a little belly got some curves i'm putting on a little weight my titties are getting a little bigger not a whole cup size i wish uh but you know i'm getting sexy now like now I've elevated to like okay I was just hot but now I'm sexy like I've entered womanhood that womanhood sleek sexiness that I admire about other older women I'm now stepping into and that's so exciting love that but yeah take it easy on yourself love you someone asked how to love my mentally ill brain great question because I feel like majority of my life I've or well obviously my entire life I've been mentally ill but majority of my life it's been like me versus my brain which makes dealing with mental health very very hard if you think of it

as like you fighting against your brain um when you think of it as you working with your brain and having to uh you know maybe change things up to make it work or adjust here and there instead of working against it it is a way easier approach to mental illness and working with it and making sure you're getting taken care of how you deserve um but the one thing that really made me kind of love my brain is that I realized it offered me a different perspective on the world um sure i have higher highs and lower lows but that really offers me a new kind of way of approaching and understanding the world i think a lot of you guys can see that and realize that like yes i'm very mentally ill very depressive um on you know my mood swings are insane i have

a mood disorder I'm anxiety and I just I can't even like it's a lot but the perspectives I have on this world and the optimism that I maintain and the way I'm able to view it and how I'm able to see the lows and see the highs and make the best out of everything is because I've been through those hard times and because my brain has brought me to those hard times the more you work with it the easier it will be the more you understand your mental illness the easier it will be so stop trying to fight against it and understand that it can offer you some things that you maybe would have not been able to you know utilize or see or understand if you weren't this way for real my brain has brought me to so many different interesting places um but I do believe

I'm better for it and I feel lucky to be the way I am um and I love myself fully for who I am so oh this is cute also great for the previous crush call-in someone said uh hope it's not too late but first date ideas if you're making the first move I think for me the perfect first date is not like a you know beautiful five-star restaurant you need to pay for everything no no no I just want it to be uh quaint um cute at least there's some thought put into it and also casual i feel like that's the best way especially if you're trying to feel that like do i want to be friends with this person or do i want it to be more keep it casual okay first date i went on with my boyfriend was fantastic he came over picked me up we went to the park we brought markers um we

brought some drinks he brought a joint and a blanket and we just hung out in the park for like three hours and chatted the best oh my god that was perfect and the weather's fantastic right now so like maybe plan a little picnic get some snacks go outside hang out outside go to a private area of the park where you can just sit and talk um get up and walk around the park if you want to like you can leave your shit there but that is the ultimate first date for me personally especially during the springtime energy i love a lot of you guys have been asking about how to survive this mercury retrograde um i know it is hitting a lot of you guys i understand that i'm like yeah i went up and i ran this morning and then i had a little you know i had some carrots and hummus and yeah

then i also had like an hour and a half mentee bee cry sesh like although i am maintaining life i am also in a little bit of a chaos state like i think a lot of you guys are um and i actually did a mercury retrograde survival guide on my patreon uh that i figured i would just read to you guys so here's a little teaser for you um but i think it's helpful for everybody first of all um we are in a three-week period in the middle of it um of mercury retrograde it started on april 21st and it's lasting until may 14th okay so we're almost out of it but mercury retrograde in general mercury was named after the roman messenger god of commerce who also governed communication travel and transportation today mercury's role has been expanded to include

technology digital expression thoughts and ideas on an almost quarterly rotation mercury goes through a three-week long retrograde cycle when the planet appears appears important to stop switch direction and move backwards in the sky appears being the operative word because retrograde motion is actually an optical illusion okay although the planet isn't actually traveling in reverse it just looks like that oh it just looks that way from our vantage on earth like funhouse mirrors mercury retrograde can definitely feel like a total mind fuck because so much of our day-to-day reality falls under mercury's um purview mercury's perceived backward spin can cause quite a bit of chaos in our day-to-day lives okay now this particular mercury retrograde

will be going reverse in the sign of taurus symbolized by the bull taurus is associated with with uh the material world so objects money food environmentalism and resources of all kinds including like financial institutions are within its domain taurus is also known for its signature hard-headedness which means the sign would prefer to maintain systems rather than shake them up you might be adopting a my way or the highway approach that feels a little stifling for example you might be holding grudges over the smallest things right now is all about flexibility letting loose a little to offset the energy letting go of old ideals and releasing so while mercury retrograde may seem like a stressful time there's actually some really beautiful lessons to be found quickly

learn to surrender because mercury retrograde challenges our normal or personal status quo its backward motion through stubborn tourists will make us think outside the box embrace spontaneity and go with the flow while it may seem like the end of times remember that these mystical optical illusions offer dynamic ways of looking at an old situation from a totally different point of view during this mercury retrograde through tourists will realize that idealizing the past will do more harm than good and that people can surprise us situations change yes unexpected circumstances may temporarily shake our world but that's okay remember nothing is set in stone especially when mercury retrograde comes around learn to move with the flow of the universe

instead of trying to run against it you know what you want and you know what you need to go after trust in that allow your perspective to change instead of trying to force old ideals although scary you can find a lot of understanding and change and peace and knowing that you'll grow through it and ultimately be better so i love you all we will survive plus also like what's better than being able to blame all of your problems on retrograde right like let's be real love you you'll get through this someone said uh i'm trying to work on having more self-discipline to equal more self-respect any tips uh yeah so i mean with self-discipline the number one tip is just to get up and do it a you can't self-discipline yourself on everything you can't overwhelm yourself because

then you're gonna fall into a spiral of not wanting to focus on anything about yourself it's gonna kind of the the pendulum's gonna swing in opposite so don't try and micromanage every single tiny thing in your life and think that's self-discipline no that's not self-discipline also self-discipline isn't you being hard on yourself self-discipline is you choosing the good but hard thing okay i feel like we hear discipline and we think it's like we're so used to discipline as like children where it's like we're going to time out we're in trouble we're getting something taken away discipline doesn't have to always have that connotation sometimes it just means yes it's hard but it can be the good thing like your parents

putting you in timeout because you're making a bad decision it's the hard thing but it's a good thing for you so sometimes you have to do the hard thing even though it's good but also don't just be making your life harder you know like make sure these are actually good actions good things to be disciplined in but the biggest thing about self-discipline is just getting up and doing it finding one thing maybe two things that you really want to focus on and then just being like okay no more fucking excuses I just got to get up and do it and also to maintain that don't allow yourself to skip the thing that you're trying to be self-disciplined in more than two days in a row like with running I can take a day off I can take every other day off that's totally fine but I

cannot take two days off in a row because if you take two days off in a row you completely fall out of routine okay so working upwards from that you know you're on a good path you're doing the hard thing but it's a good thing you're maintaining that you're not skipping it more than two days in a row or one day in a row you're gonna accomplish something you're gonna become more self-disciplined the thing is gonna get easier and in turn yes then comes more self respect because you have proven to yourself it's not all just talk that i can physically get up and achieve what i am trying to achieve even if it's hard and yeah you're gonna gain ultimately more self-respect through that but yeah be kind to yourself understand that discipline isn't always

just punishment but it is doing the hard thing for a good result and then follow through get up do the damn fucking thing it's hard yes but also it's good for you love you hi hannah i just wanted to start by saying i absolutely love you and i love the podcast i've been listening to it since it came out and i was following you on tiktok way before so i'm proud to say i'm one of the ogs here but i was wondering if you could talk about death anxiety like anxiety surrounding death and dying ever since I was young I've had such a hard time talking about it and kind of grasping it um I would have to leave the class when it came up in conversation and I'm still like that now I have a lot of anxiety surrounding it I'm scared of it I'm scared of

how I'll die I'm scared of where I'll go when I die I don't know your personal beliefs on it I like to believe that we go somewhere but it's just so scary to me and I think about it like every day and the idea of reincarnation and coming back is scary to me so do you have any tips on how to kind of get over it and how to deal with death positively thank you I love you oh this is interesting because I think I'm the complete opposite of you growing up i was always like yeah bring it not to get dark not to go there but i was always like yeah bring it bring death bring it to me and then the universe said okay bitch ask and you shall receive and i was in a horrible awful car accident i mean like i it was like 3 a.m

completely out of nowhere i'm waking up in my smashed car and there's an officer unbuckling me and physically picking me up and pulling me out of the car and i'm like regaining consciousness in the world and he's looking at me he's like you should be dead right now that happened and then i swinged in the complete opposite direction of like oh no no no we i do not i need just i'm not asking for death anymore i'm taking control of my life the one thing i think that can really truly help and make death anxiety more understandable is a it's gonna happen to all of us and we don't get a choice we don't get a say in it i mean some of us do you know anyways um you know but usually we don't get a choice we don't get a say in it we

don't get to choose the time we don't get to set it like an appointment that is a control of the universe so instead of thinking of it like oh it's out of your control think of it as it is the one truth of you existing we're all gonna die at some point now what happens after that unless it's bringing you peace then there's no point in entertaining it like christianity religion whatever if it brings you peace that you are going to find peace after you die and that makes death more of a okay thing for you then wonderful like if that makes you feel more peaceful with life and not afraid of death then fantastic but the one thing for me was just like if nothing's bringing that then don't worry about it you don't have to figure it out you'll figure it out when it comes

to you whether you know we do get reincarnated or we don't or it's nothing or there's heaven whatever you'll battle that situation when you face it but for now the best thing to combat that death anxiety is to understand okay i'm here i'm human i am living i need to take advantage of every single fucking day that I have I got into that car accident and I realized holy shit I could be gone right now 22 done and what the fuck have I been doing I've been putting up with gross men I have been putting myself down I have been going after other people's dreams instead of my own dreams and then that made death more anxiety inducing for me because I was like holy shit i'm not living my life and if i die right now i'm gonna be very regretful so i started making

changes i started being like fuck you ex-boyfriend get the fuck out of my life i'm not dealing with you anymore because you make me miserable i started looking at myself my environment within myself bringing more self-love self-peace self-possibility trusting myself building myself up i started looking at my life around me and the path i was on and i started being like no fuck that that's not bringing me any joy i'm going down this path because i love it it's the hard path but i'm choosing it i'm playing the game of life i'm making it work for me and then i started getting happier and life started getting a little bit more bright and that death anxiety started diminishing because i knew that if i went today right now sitting here if i went today i would

have no regrets because I have been living truthfully for myself on my own life path choosing what I want making the best of every single day loving myself through it and ultimately that's all we can do during this time that we have to be alive and how wonderful is that that we have a choice that we can do these things that we can take advantage of our life that we can make new opportunities for ourself that we can choose one day to get up and completely move across the country and create a new life for ourselves we have those choices no matter how hard they seem we have those choices and if you take advantage of those and really start pushing your life down the path that you truly want to go i think it makes the idea of death a little

less scary because you understand you know what even if i did go young or i do go in a horrible way who cares I lived the best possible fucking life that I could or I at least tried you know I did what I could with the cards I was dealt and I played a good fucking hand and I tried my best that's all that really matters so take advantage of your life take advantage that you're living that you have choices that you can you know go get an ice cream cone that you can go you know lay in the sun that you can choose whatever career path you want that you can have kids that you can not have kids that you could have a million lovers or you could have one these are all things you need to think about and these are all things that you really need to be prioritizing you'll face

death when it finds you but you cannot worry about it until it approaches you okay because we have no control of that so why waste your time trying to control something that is utterly utterly uncontrollable when you can look at what you have in front of you what you can control your life your path the choices that you are making and start making the best choices that you possibly can making the best situation that you possibly can out of what is sitting in front of you right now instead of what is theoretically possibly coming for you in what maybe five years maybe 80 years like who knows so stop wasting your time on things that you can't control start focusing your time on what you can control and I think from a control freak perspective that

I am when I when I start pushing my brain down a path of okay well here's what I have here is what I can actually work with and I start working with it that brings peace to me that brings peace to the worry that I did have previously so focus on what you can control I promise it will be okay I understand anxiety and I don't mean to diminish your anxiety in any sort of way if it is like overwhelmingly an issue any sort of anxiety whether it's death anxiety life anxiety you know anything if you feel like it's really really affecting your day-to-day life I do recommend seeking help or seeking like a therapist somebody who can talk with you about it um weekly daily whatever it may be and help you work through those on a day-to-day basis help you kind of retrain your brain um

instead of thinking about it but also if it's just like a generic kind of you know it's not overwhelmingly impacting you but it's just a little nerve-wracking i get that it all the anxieties are valid but we have to focus on what we truly can control within our life um so make the best possible fucking life that you can for yourself because we do have a choice in that this is a good continuation but someone asked i'm starting to feel like i'm coming into my actual adult life and it's exciting but scary please wisdom it's scary because it's the unknown it's like you know when you're embarking onto a new journey a new trek it's exciting and it's scary but the scary is only because it's new so lean into the exciting don't hold yourself back

now is the time to kind of make rash decisions to get a little crazy to try things to fail at things to succeed at things to start new businesses to start new ideas to make new friends now is the time to do so so take advantage of that lean into it don't let anybody hold yourself back don't let you hold yourself back and have fun I feel like the most important thing especially within your adult life is have fun it is a balance of course like you gotta work you gotta pay your bills all those fun things um but when you do have that free time and you do have that time to make a decision to choose to you know am I gonna go out tonight or um am I gonna go sit inside on the floor and watch tv like maybe push yourself and go out maybe go travel maybe save up for whatever

you were wanting to spend it on whatever it is have fun don't be afraid to get a little crazy and also if you feel like you don't know what you're doing that's okay because none of us do as long as you're trying and not avoiding you will succeed someone asked me to do a met gala review and i'm gonna do a full like video met gala review for my patreon but the one look that really stood out to me what was doja cat's look i love how she's not afraid to go above and beyond um what anybody else is doing like she didn't just show up in a gown she showed up in a incredible gown with a fantastic hood with cat ears with fx cat claws and fx like complete cat makeup not just drawn on like full cat nose whiskers everything and also like a sharp beautiful simple cat eye

it was fantastic and a beautiful representation of also like the theme for the night so overall that was my favorite look i saw that one and i was like i really don't need to look at any of them also like rihanna and asap rocky always stand out to me but just because they're such a hot couple like them together ideal love but the one person who really stood out to me was doja cat she slayed love it absolutely no someone said i broke my pipe that was named after you i was high as fuck with my boyfriend and started crying and she sent a picture no babe i'm so sorry may she rest in peace love ya but also i take whenever my pieces break they it used to like like whole day ruined you know and then i took it as like a sign from the universe like no this i feel like the

pieces that i have are really like a signifier of what i'm going through at that time so when they break it's like a omen of like okay time to level up on to the next design on to the next piece we're moving on in life so it's a blessing and a curse I hear you but may she rest in peace love you this is a fun one um let me take a step into my closet for this actually but someone asked what are we wearing this summer um this summer in my summer wardrobe I have a lot of white lace I have a lot of baby blues I have a lot of pastel yellows I got funky print long skirts I got white sheer long skirts I got some jorts I got some frilly pink pants some frilly tops a lot of sundresses to go running around in I have some mini skirts um some jerseys a lot of crochet like

crochet uh tops um ponchos been big into ponchos right now I found another drug rug that I've been loving recently so that's been fun love a good drug rug um a lot of workout sets a lot of red I have some floral workout sets too um sun hats tons of sun hats um like the fun little crochet ones metallic um sparkles leather that's what I'm going for and also like fun funky flip-flops cork heels and some fun boots and then like I have these green uh lucky green nike high tops that I love wearing in the summer preferably barefoot most of the time um but that's the energy i'm diving into with that being said i have to get this episode out to you guys i hope you enjoyed i hope you had a great time i love you all so very much i'm headed over to my new

apartment to go do some deep cleaning um some dusting some major major because nobody's really lived in there for like four months also just some like energetic clean uh cleansing is always fun so yeah i made me a little dumpling for lunch gonna munch on that pull myself together get in my spring cleaning mode and get over there but i hope you guys have a fantastic rest of your day i hope you enjoyed this episode thank you for being here thank you for being you i really appreciate everything you guys do for me and i hope i can give back to you guys tenfold but i love you have a fantastic rest of your week and i will see you all next tuesday