Smoke Sesh - off my meds, failure & threesomes

Episode Date: March 7, 2023

Helloooooo cuties we have a packed episode for you all today, happy full moon in Virgo you crazies I hope you’re taking it easy on yourself, I chit chat why I might be a little off & unhinged this episode and what my morning entailed while also what is going on in the cosmos and the big changes that are occurring. We also talk the mindset of perfectionism and how important failure can be, we talk mean girls & how to handle them while also sticking up for yourself, bullying, men, is there such thing as partying too hard? Threeways and my opinion, awkward parties, medication & mental health, acceptance of yourself and not focusing on others, validation, Molly recovery, the energy we are bringing this summer, not taking everything so personally, understanding identity, affection, kali uchis new album, grief and how to cope, the importance of positive self discipline and finally I send you off with some encouraging words to make it through the day. You are all doing amazing and are so sweet and deserve the world, believe it, and be a little easier on yourself in the process. Happy full moon and I can’t wait to see you all next Tuesday! MUAH!

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know, just somebody to look out for them. Some people call me their fairy smoke mother, others their internet big sister, but you can call me Hannah, the host of Smoke Sash, so come hang out, let's light up and talk everything there is to life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing, I've got a story for it all. Hello, hi, good morning, how the hell are you all doing today? happy Virgo full moon very uh not exciting but interesting perhaps at least for me personally also happy Saturn return to my Pisces babes little uh astrology moment early on into the podcast here

um yeah lots happening in the universe if you guys are not feeling it right now the universe is really looking us dead in the face and not screaming but very strictly telling us to get our shit together very simply put like bitch what have you been doing what is this chaos how the hell do we get back on the right path or at least implement things that we really want to implement into our life in order to succeed in whatever aspect we are looking at woke up this morning at a crisp 7 30 which for all the girlies who go to school 7 30 bitch that's nothing you're like huh hello i wake up at nine o'clock in the morning i know i'm spoiled i get it but also i work really late nights so my sleep schedule is kind of fucked up i don't do the thing anymore

like I used to where I would literally sleep till three o'clock in the afternoon um that was wild don't remember a lot from that year because I was literally only awake at night also just don't recommend I wake up at a good nine o'clock I feel like that's it works for me you know that's still pretty early I can get some shit done in the morning before you know lunch but 7 30 my god i woke up early because i was gonna go tour a house with my father because listen like if i like a house i like a house but i kind of don't see the imperfections in something and i need someone there who can be like no this is trash like hannah babe this is trash and that's why i keep strong female friendships as well and my dad very close to me at all times um because all those

people very willing to tell me what the fuck is up all right also if this podcast is a little unhinged it's because yeah up early drove to the house literally got there it was like a self-tour kind of thing where you just like get the code and you can open the lock box get the key tour it so i'm already exhausted it's like eight o'clock we're there we're trying to enter the house and like the key's not fucking working me and my boyfriend had just toured this house like a couple days ago perfectly fine everything was working perfectly normal we could not get this fucking front door unlocked and my dad's like a handyman he does this shit for a living so he was like yeah this bitch is not opening we tried the back door we tried the garage door nothing and my ass

was kind of pissed because i was like i woke up this early and brought myself out here into the cold morning crisp air for what to not be able to tour and usually at this point in time or no no no usually back in the day when I was a little bit more on hinge and not go with the flow type I would I would you know approach an obstacle like this and just immediately have a breakdown because a I'm tired b shit's not working out for me c in turn that just makes me sad so like I'm gonna have a small little mentee bee real quick and I felt myself teetering on that urge but I had to stop myself and be like no and this is what this Virgo full moon is telling me like bitch just let it go okay let it the fuck go and I had to be like you know what no if this is not

opening so my dad can check it out to tell me if I should get the okay to kind of like put a deposit it down then you know what maybe it's just not meant for me maybe it's not meant for me and i don't need to force my way into something in order to make it to work out maybe i just need to let it be and accept that like i'm just i'm good without do you know what i mean sometimes that first obstacle or that first red flag is really the one that you need to listen to and you don't need to be like oh maybe it's just a one-off like maybe i'll just keep trying it out keep attenuating keep you know pushing it no don't push it anymore okay babe walk away so that's what i did i walked away i came home still very exhausted tried to lay down for a nap that didn't really work because

my brain cannot nap i'm physically incapable of napping unless i have been day drinking quite honestly um or hungover one of the two both including alcohol and so i laid down i was like my brain is not shutting off so then i smoked a little bowl made me some coffee and two hours later i'm still sitting here in bed but at least i have some function left in me so this virgo full moon i am just really taking the opportunity to step back tell myself bitch chill release control you cannot have control over everything okay we do have the willpower to choose within in this life but sometimes our choices don't always work out and that is okay that is something you need to accept and then you gotta move on with your fucking life bitch okay you cannot get stuck

on this one obstacle and you also can't force your way through this obstacle sometimes you just need to take a different route so that's what i've been doing and i'm still honoring my tuesday i'm still having a good tuesday um i'm hoping to do a little cute ritual later tonight for my full moon definitely gonna be involving some releasing um I went to a full moon ceremony a while back and I was gifted um some stuff to do a cord cutting ritual and I feel like today being oh my god sorry the hiccups today being also the day for Saturn entering Pisces uh Saturn if you guys do not know only stays in a sign for three years I know only three years like what which is a long fucking time okay and in the past or past three years it's been an Aquarius lots of chaos lots of

lots of concern lots of unsureness we were literally in a pandemic we went into lockdown lots of you know heightened emotions and now we're entering Pisces um which for me I think will be really good to figure out how this is going to affect you um the way it works is you got to find out your birth chart you can go to cafe astrology put in your time date of birth whatever blah blah where you were born and it will tell you your entire birth chart birth chart and all the houses that the planets are in you got to look for which house you have saturn in okay and then that house is a representative of a certain aspect in your life okay and Saturn is known as the you know wise teacher you know that like one third grade teacher you had who was like super

duper strict and at the time you were like fuck this bitch you know like I'm a kid I want to have fun but then growing up you learn that it's like no no I actually needed that like I needed that kind of not harshness like they weren't harsh but structure i needed that structure i needed somebody to really take the time to implement rules into my life so that i'm able to function as a normal fucking human being that's what saturn is so for me personally as a gemini saturn is in my 10th house which is the house of career um so i personally am very fucking excited because the last three years i've been stumbling and tripping and falling and fumbling okay and i'm very excited for the next three years because i can already feel like a switch like bitch pull it together

all right let's focus let's work hard let's dedicate ourselves to our lives all right implement some small small things some small rules some small guides into our life and actually follow them okay that's what i'm excited about now you can figure this out for yourself just look for where saturn is in your chart and that's how it'll affect you but ultimately the saturn aspect of it is going to be controlling really emphasizing and really structuring that place in your life for the next three years so exciting things really learning to take a step back here chill out if you want a very simple you know um way to release and celebrate this full moon go to the store or actually don't go to the store because whole bay leaves are so

fucking expensive i like a grocery store go to like a witchy supply store support your local magic shops um go there they'll definitely have a pack of bay leaves for the cheap cheap like three bucks I guarantee maybe six oh my god getting crazy here but you can utilize those as like a burning method and a releasing method as we enter this kind of new era of what you want to bring forth and what you want to release in order to bring forth and then another great like in real life kind of way of enacting this which I honestly think I kind of got on board with earlier into the year I really just jumped on it in January um I'm challenging myself to implement one new thing every month so in January I and I'm I continue it throughout the whole year so by

by month 12 I'll be doing 12 new things that month very exciting but I feel like I need a full month in order to kind of grasp a concept and really emphasize it into my life so the first month was a painting okay so I you know was trying to create more I wanted to emphasis creativity in my life so I was like okay we're gonna do one painting a month did that January did that February starting on March now um February was add in one book a month because I haven't been reading as much so I did that really great time finished that book in literally two flights we'll talk about that more later because I have a great question to bring that up but third month March I'm implementing more journaling more writing more deep self-diving no idea what's going to

come for my fourth month but I'm just taking it slow integrating what is calling to me and what really you know I feel passionate about it's been going really well so if you want like a fun little irl practice think of some things that you can implement and it could be like every week it could be every month depending on how fast you catch on to things or how fast you want to implement them or you can do a couple things a month you know there's so many ways to take advantage of this time and this opportunity um and if you want a fun little full moon ritual yeah do some burning do some releasing do some looking forward while also letting go of the past i think that's kind of the energy we need to focus on now so exciting things with that being said i will stop rambling

about the universe and the stars like i am schizophrenic i'm not i promise you there's a lot of science behind this um and let's dive into some questions i know what you guys are here for let's get into it oh someone said okay how to let go of being a perfectionist love you and your podcast love you okay so I am a serial perfectionist everything around me even the thought or the idea that I have about something has to be a perfect well-rounded executed idea or creation of something or I feel like it is not good now no idea what that stems from my therapist would probably say you know inadequacies from childhood and feeling like I was never good enough but we're not gonna get into that right now um that seems like something I should probably pay for I know

you guys are just here for a laugh real talk perfectionism is I feel like there should be a different word for it because I feel like when we think about it we're like yes it means to be perfect and create beautiful things and to be the best and to be on top but the funny thing about perfectionism is it it is going to hold you back so much that you will never ever ever reach those things that quote-unquote perfectionism is really about because you are constantly holding yourself back you are not believing in yourself you are not supporting yourself and most importantly you are simply not trying because you do not feel the need or the want or even the you know respect to try for yourself because you're scared because you're fearful of failing because whatever you

can call it ultimately you will never get there because you're a quote-unquote perfectionist you will never be able to create something perfect because you are never going to create and that's something I had to really get into my head and learn especially during art school because I would find myself so stuck on things because I was like I want it to be this way I want it to be exactly like this but that's kind of impossible to do and my art teacher had to sit down with me and be like in order to create something good and something that you are proud of that comes from the act of trying that doesn't come from the act of the creation itself it comes from the act of getting there and the process of getting there and a little failure yes is needed

to get there sometimes so you can't let that first obstacle fucking stop you when it comes to what you're trying to create or do or else you will never be able to even realize the beauties that lie ahead all right perfectionism is literally just a roadblock it is something standing in the way of you and your goals and what you want to create i don't know i always think from like a creation sense because that's just who i am and i assume a lot of people who listen to this are probably creative people i feel like i just draw those kinds of people towards me um but ultimately perfectionism not great not good it is just a tool for you to avoid and to not really dive in and to not try once you learn that failure is actually more productive than you like getting to the goal

because the goal if it's easy it never satisfies but failing and then getting to the goal satisfies 10 times more because it took effort to get there and our brains love that shit like it eats it up we love it when it takes some effort and some trying and some you know working out to get somewhere because we feel like we've actually accomplished something because we've actually worked through a problem and solved it it wasn't handed to us on a silver platter that's no fun you know we had to fucking dig our way to get there and so once you accept failure failure into your life i feel like you will have an easier time with things and also understand that failure is not a bad thing like it really isn't um i feel like we have these words and we give them positive

and negative connotations but ultimately they can mean so many different things it's just a feeling failure does not always have to be bad i believe failure is always a learning opportunity and so instead of leaning into perfectionism maybe lean into failure this season lean into trying lean into not being afraid i tweeted this the other day and if you don't follow my twitter you definitely should i've been having some good ones recently um what did i say oh i said the fear is going to be real no matter what so you might as well do the damn thing and i will leave you with that okay someone said how to address subtle mean girls nothing direct just judgy looks and whispers i can already see you saying to just ignore them but i kindly want to put them in their place and

make them question their behavior i love this question listen i'm a revengeful bitch like listen I know I'm on like my healing journey and my healing path and you know treat others how you want to be treated but like if I was being a mean judgy bitch I would want to be put in my place too I am fine with that so sometimes you have to dish it out a little bit I get it I get it I I get wanting to get back and I do stand by that behavior sometimes sometimes anyways when it comes to subtle judgy girls they are being that subtle you know like side eye i'm gonna turn and whisper to my friend but i'm never gonna say anything to you because they are non-confrontational people confrontation scares them it terrifies them that's why they lean and whisper they don't actually say

it to your fucking face so when people are being kind of like that sly that you know snaky judgmental quiet girl vibes sometimes you literally just need to be able to like walk up to them and be like what the fuck did you just say bitch because it will shake them to their core it will shake and rattle them to their core i guarantee you now unless they're just looking for a fight like if that bitch can fight it depends on how well you can fight you got to be prepared you know you got to prepare yourself for every aspect I'm just always ready for a girl to swing on me but usually when they're kind of like like quiet and they're just like whispers about you it's because they're non-confrontational if you confront them they're gonna be terrified and

you're gonna be like what the fuck you just say bitch and you're she's gonna be like what nothing nothing I didn't say anything it's like yeah that's what I fucking thought keep your mouth shut unless you want to get hit okay I'm not promoting violence but like that's just how I approach life um and maybe it's my dad's anger issues coming out here but like you gotta stand up for yourself every once in a while and I want you guys to protect yourselves I don't condone violence of any sort but I do want you to be a bad bitch and stand up for yourself so sometimes you gotta get a little confrontational you know what I mean but you like sitting there and whispering to your friend back at them passive aggressively that's not gonna work i really don't

think it's gonna work in fact it's gonna fuel the fire so just be like hey bitch you got something to say you can say it right now like what what what's so funny what are you laughing about i don't know could work could get crazy who knows tell me how it goes love you and just speaking of standing up for yourself and bullying in general i learned this at a young age from my father to never let anyone disrespect you okay like you have to understand that you are deserving of respect always and continue and continually and if you feel like you are being disrespected you need to stand up for yourself whether it's you removing yourself from the situation or confronting them depending on the situation at hand but i remember in third grade i had to go to

like ymca after school you know like after school care um because both my parents like worked in the school district they did not get off work until six seven o'clock at night so i was always hanging out at ymca and um there's this older boy like fifth grade who would pick on me push me throw things at me pull my hair whatever it was and i was a little terrified to stand up for him or stand up to him because he's an older boy i'm at school i don't want to get in trouble i'm already kind of stressed out what do i do so i went to my dad and i was like this kid is picking on me and he said break his fucking nose wild shit my mom got mad at him for telling me that but the gist of what i picked up from

him there at like 11 years old was i need to stand up for myself i need to not let this continue and no one else is gonna go there and do this for me like my dad's not gonna show up and pick on this child for me so I need to handle my shit right then and there so the next day I went to um you know YMCA I was doing my thing I was really just like ignoring and just focusing on myself you know I've been at that vibe since birth let's be real um and we went out to the playground and this kid started throwing a basketball at me I was like uh-uh like I snapped and instead of like throwing the basketball back I just walked up to him and just chucked it at his face like from two feet away threw it as hard as I fucking could at his face

and fucked him up he was crying running to the teachers and like I got into a little bit of trouble of course because that is violence but also they're like they're kids like they got a little bit of beef whatever and guess what that kid never fucked with me ever again after that and in fact we kind of became chill like we started becoming friends and we hung out a little bit but he never fucked with me again after that because the thing about people who are just like miserable and want to pick on other people is they usually only do that to people who i hate to say allow it but they know they're an easy target because they either see everybody else doing it or they see that there's no repercussions for the things that they're doing and sometimes you

gotta be like no bitch fuck you I'm not allowing this to happen I'm not allowing you to disrespect me like that in whatever way it needs to be handled um and that's why I love like social media celebrities like specifically one that i'm thinking of is like ken on tiktok she ken yuric no idea how to say her fucking last name but the only time i'll like see her videos come up is when she's just going off on a hate comment and i i live for that shit i live for it because it's just like why do you think you can behave like this towards me and say these things towards me um without any repercussions and sometimes you need to stand up for yourself in order to show everybody else around you like I'm not one to be fucked with I'm not one to be tried we do not have

time for this and I will come for you if you come for me because I'm gonna reciprocate that energy and I love that she does that on a bigger scale because like within real life you gotta set boundaries but also social media when it's thousands of people millions of people throwing their opinions onto you that could be stressful and you do need to set boundaries with those people as well and so love that love a good boundary setting standing up for yourself moment there hello first of all hannah hi i think we might be soulmates just so you know so much love from pittsburgh anyway i wanted to tell the girlies um one of my many horrible men's stories so this is what i was like basically a freshman in college my first year was online i was a

sophomore but i was talking to this guy and it was halloween and it was a little cold outside so he's like oh my god come smoke with me i'll smoke you up and i'm like absolutely baby boy so we go and i'm kind of a baby smoker so i'm like we're in this park and he's trying he's and i go oh why don't you use cones and he scoffs and he goes cones are for pussies and then this man proceeds to not be able to roll a joint for 25 minutes peace and love don't talk to men y'all pittsburgh slay i feel like that's just the epitome of a man no i'm fine i can do it and just like struggles it's like babe it's okay you can ask for help it's all right it's okay it's okay watching men like passive aggressively freak out over something that can simply be

like fixed by just asking for help is like a hobby of mine like it just makes me giggle i can't help myself i'm like what's with all the testosterone what's with all what's with this energy like that's why i love me a sensitive feminine man because i am very much so like why are you being so serious like i have to laugh i gotta laugh you know what i mean and i need me like a sweet sensitive boy who's like no can you help me like like yes babe i got you i love that i love that kind of energy um yeah toxic men fuck someone asked is partying too hard too often a problem i'm happy and still productive in the daytime no i feel like if it's not affecting your life than vibe party um but i feel like partying too much and too often usually affects people

negatively because you know they're not able to function in the daytime or they're going too hard in making bad decisions constantly or indulging in too many substances you know like partying can be a hard lifestyle if you are not good with balance but if you feel like you have a pretty good handle on balance and you can go out and you can go party and have a good time and still get home and wake up for your 8 a.m class and it doesn't affect your life it's just something to go and do and have fun then yeah party but if it's like negatively affecting you affecting you then yeah it's maybe something that's not great there's there's nuance with everything honestly i've been a party girl and been a straight a student in nursing school i've also been a party

girl and literally like wound up in ditches it's it's all about like how hard are we really going and is it a bad hard or is like a good hard you know what i mean you know but you seem productive as long as you're doing your your thing you're on your boss bitch shit it's okay to have a little bit of fun all right someone asked have i ever had a threesome no but the bisexual in me is like would love would love but my issue is here's my issue never had a threesome because i just like i don't know i wasn't super like sexually explorative um previous to me now other than just like with long-term partners i wasn't really sexually exploring outside of relationships um but also my thing is in relationships if i'm in a relationship i cannot do a three-way

like if me and my boyfriend wanted to do a three-way it just would not be fucking possible because i am a psycho crazy bitch and i overthink and i'm anxious and like one wrong move in a three-way and it could be like my feelings are getting extra hurt like extra hurt and like maybe mean no one meant any ill will but like my my fucking brain will just make it up so I know I'm crazy and I have to accept that and honor that and respect that and not put myself in situations where I know I'm gonna lose my fucking mind so I feel like I could only do a three-way if I was out of a relationship and like any direction you know girl or girl and guy girl and girl guy and guy would be down for any of that but when i'm in a relationship i'm like no that's mine that's me

that's mine i'm obsessed like i cannot share and also like i'm not interesting in sharing myself when i'm in a relationship so i feel like a three-way for me personally is definitely like out of relationship kind of situation i would fall into but i haven't really had an opportunity haven't really been presented with a three-way i mean back in the day when i was on tinder or whatever the fuck there were definitely couples on there that have been like we're looking for a third and it's like oh i don't i don't want that you know like you're just running through people on tinder to have three ways with that's crazy um but if you want to do it i say go for it make sure there's rules in place make sure you've boundaries set all right if you are the third and

you're in you're entering a couple make sure they have boundaries set make sure you sit down to talk about it a little bit before you know ask them what you can and can't do um but i think the best three-way situation is just like three single people honestly like i feel like three single people coming together that has to be the best because like no one's feelings are getting hurt you're all just like fucking and having fun but i feel like there's no ill will no no wrongdoing as long as you guys have boundaries in set and you've talked or talked about it before but yeah once again I'm a crazy psycho bitch and I just can't share my boyfriend or myself either way but could be fun hi Hannah um just wanted to say I love you and your pod so much I've been listening

for like a year now um I've always been too nervous to send a voice like notes in ever since you open them but I've been sending messages to your Instagram for literally like a year like my whole life updates are in your DMs but um I am desperate this time so my 18th birthday is coming up and I rented out a venue with like 45 people and they're all like my not close close friends but they don't all necessarily know each other it's in a venue with a bar I've got some decor and I just need help on how to make it good and not awkward hey cutie girl happy early 18th birthday exciting things honestly I don't think you should be worried about it being awkward um you invited a bunch of people to a pub a bar to hang out to have fun and all those people are

going to be equally as excited to go and party it up but i don't think they'll be awkward and non-talkative and everybody's just going to be sitting around just staring into space like when you're in a partying setting and you like to party and you like to go out you're gonna be more inclined and more open to you know talking to people you've never met before and chit-chatting it up you know what i mean the same way you're gonna be excited to go see all your friends and talk with them and talk to new people at your birthday they're gonna be feeling the same way so you really don't think you should be you know um scared of it being awkward you know you can't control people but also it is a party setting and i feel like people are gonna be there to

have fun get to know each other maybe fall in love who knows crazy night right just put up some fun decorations do it up however you want make sure you have your favorite drinks there maybe put some snacks out um maybe set up like a photo opportunity if you wanted to get even more like interactive get some disposable cameras and leave them out so people can take photos of each other um you could put like a you guys play beer pong like i don't know small little interactive games like that put them up put up like a little beer pong station um you could put up like fun party games um there's a bunch of different ones you can learn that involve like literally nothing probably just like some cards um but yeah i don't think you should be nervous if you want to have

some party games go for it if you want like a photo opportunity that's always a fun way to bring people together also like disposable cameras but also like people are going to be there to party have fun meet new people so it'll be a blast i pinky promise i hope you have so much fun 18 that's such a good year and i hope it is a fantastic night i've been wanting to talk about this actually um because i've been thinking about getting back on the medication train but someone said what's your opinion on mental health medications my brain's fucked up but i feel sus you know i feel like i can work on myself without them so i'm off my meds as you guys can probably tell from how chaotic this um podcast is but i have been off medication for hold on i'm about to crack

sparkling water so if you hear that apologies but i've been off my medication for four years um yeah four years but i was on it for a good seven eight years i've been on lexapro i've been on wellbutrin i've been on mood stabilizers i've been on antipsychotics i've been on sleep medication i've been on everything and here's the thing at first i was like why are you putting me on medication until i realized the true point of medication um i was at a point in my life where had been going through depression for a long long long time and it built up to a you know a head one might call it of me having to go to inpatient um and the first thing they do when you get there is they give you medication you go to you get a psych eval um and they get you on medication

and i was like what like bitch i just need some therapy but they were i don't think they were wrong in doing so now they put me on a lot of different kinds which i don't think i needed right away I could maybe like slowly work my way into it um but I do think it was needed for where I was in that point in my life because I was just so low and dysfunctional that I needed to just even be at a regular shmegular normal level in order to process the therapy I was going through in order to then reach like happiness does that make sense like i was at a point where i was so fucking low that i needed just like normalcy i needed to get my brain back on some normal fucking levels um and it was absolutely wonderful and amazing in order to kind of get me to where i

needed to be in order to then work on myself um and a lot of people like think medication is like a like oh my god you're on medication for your mental health oh my what it's like that's just so controversial but bitch what the fuck you mean it's controversial like if i had cancer and i had to take pills every day in order to get my cancer to a normal level of functioning and to get it to go away no one would say shit they'd all be like oh my god that's amazing how can we support you you know like how can we make sure you do well on this journey instead of being like are you sure you need that are you sure like your brain is just another muscle it is just another organ and sometimes like shit's off sometimes our bodies get all out of whack and sometimes they need a

little help and that's what you know we have medication for we have developed medication for of that now it is between you and your um you know not psychologist but um your psychiatrist the person who will prescribe you medicine what works for you and what to try now hold on let me take a swig of this water quick little uh hydration break i got the worst fucking cotton mouth because I'm just screaming at my phone it's like goddamn slow down okay um where was I going with this shit let me take another sip another hydration break not to just pause this train I'm going on but I feel like let me tell you the real issue here the real issue is not medication the real issue is us not being honest within our therapy because we're not honest within ourselves

and we're not honest to our psychiatrists and in turn they just got to play a fucking guessing game of the information you're giving them and they're just like well shit I guess I'll give you this medication because you're showing signs of this but I'm not really sure how to go about it because you're not really open with me and you know I'm not sure completely what struggles you're going through here so I feel like if I was maybe more open and honest and truthful which was very hard for me to do at that point because I didn't trust myself let alone some random person that I was going to spew all my thoughts onto because also I did that and got put an inpatient which saved me but I was also a little scared um I learned that by not being honest they were not able to give me

the full care that I truly needed and they weren't actually able to help me you know work out what I really needed to work out so like some of the medications I was on early on they were just like well shit I guess we'll try this because you're diagnosed with this and that's what you know usually happens but if you're open and you're truthful about what you're going through and you're real with your you know psychiatrist about what you're looking for and how you want to you know better yourself and what kind of plan you want to build for yourself then guess what those doctors that know about this medication can work with you and help you along that path hand in hand and the psychiatrist I worked with um after I got out of inpatient she immediately was like you don't

need to be on all this shit we're gonna put you on this we're gonna give you a few months because it does take a while for you to notice any effects it's not gonna be overnight nothing ever happens overnight um but we were able to get me on a good regimen that was able to build me up to a pretty normal level and help me function um she even had like my blood tested my thyroid checked making sure my hormones were in order um and got me off some medication too that i didn't need and then we did that for a while i went to therapy for a while i got to a point where i felt like i was good um and I told her that and I was honest with her about that and I said hey I would like to you know wean off of these a little bit um because a I was also at a point in my life where I was just

like I wasn't taking them consistently so it was like why take them at all um but I also felt like I was in a very very stable point in my life and I don't recommend getting off medication um I I definitely hit some downfalls after that because my brain it's like it was like a big switch up on my brain but I was able to use medication to get to a point where I felt like I was good and solid and at a good base level and then I felt like I could take over and I did take over and I worked with myself and I worked with a therapist and I was able to continue on through life with my coping mechanisms i learned and with a little bit more stability um and yeah i've been off them for four years but i don't think medicine needs to be um like uh what's the word

holy shit what you know the word you know what i'm thinking of anyways controversial jesus christ um it doesn't it doesn't need to be so controversial medicine is medicine it is a tool to help you specifically within the realm of mental health shit can get fucking hard and if you need a little bit of help the bravest thing you can ever ever do for yourself is getting yourself the full help that you need getting yourself the support that you need the team that you need standing up for yourself showing up for yourself that's the bravest fucking thing you can do not locking yourself alone in your closet in order to go through it alone that's not that's not brave being brave is being like yeah you know what maybe i do

have a fucking problem but let's work on it you know let's better myself and if medication is a part of the plan that you and your team build and you want to try it i don't think you should be scared I had I know they're like well it could make you more suicidal or it could do this and you have a little bit of a lower sex drive and it's like yeah but also I'm going to you know like I'm gonna die I'm gonna take myself out if I'm not on these medications so like a little lower sex drive is whatever like we can implement some toys we can build a routine whatever but like death or my pussy's a little dry i'm gonna go with my pussy being just a little dry like let's be fucking for real also like every other medication that you take is going to have side

effects mental health medication is not the only fucking thing that you know is is going to have side effects like every medication does but if you see like negative side effects speak up for yourself you know tell your psychiatrist there's ways that you can go about these things and really make them work for you and i think it drastically can change people's lives and i don't know why people are afraid of it i think people are just afraid of being seen as quote unquote weak but we need to take that quote unquote weak mentality out of the stigma of mental health we also have will suffer with some form of mental health issue whether it's just like a bout of depression after like you know maybe a family member dying whatever it is or it's a

lifelong condition of depression or bpd or any of these things it's like get the help you need show up for yourself and also don't see yourself as like quote-unquote weak because you're brave for even realizing that you are having these issues standing up for yourself and seeking the help that you need and there's nothing wrong about seeking help I think seeking help is absolutely the bravest thing you can do in any form whether it's medication whether it's therapy whether it's simply reaching out and asking do it get get the help you need you know what I mean you got to do what you got to do for yourself and sometimes it's a hard choice like bitch I got locked up for seven days it probably could have been longer but I was like I need to get the fuck out of here I

i want to go home i want to go sleep in my own bed i miss my cat you know what i mean but it was needed because i don't think i would be here talking to you guys right now if i didn't just like speak up and say like holy shit i'm having a problem and i need to get help in whatever form is necessary and for me it was a little bit of a serious form but hey i'm here so i'm thankful i'm thankful for 16 year old hannah being brave enough to do that for herself and i'm so thankful for her for going through that and getting here love it anyways I was on Wellbutrin and I had a blast um that's the only one that really worked for me um Wellbutrin and guess what me and my mom are twins we're on the same medication I was like girl you should have told me that I would

have just been on that from the beginning um but yeah we were we were Wellbutrin twins she's been on it her whole entire life and has loved it i think it makes her a lot more sane um because i notice when she's off it but i feel like i have more time and openness and i work with myself a little bit more than she does and being off of it is a thing that i can do so it really is very up to who you are as a human being and what you think is best for you but work with a professional on that i do recommend love you hi shishtar i love your podcast um i feel like you are me and i am you we're like the same person same interests same views everything um yeah but i just like kind of need advice on just like people pleasing I guess um for me I'm a Pisces I'm an empath

I'm always anxious about what people think of me if they like me and it's so draining because I got a new job um around a bunch of RNs and it's just hard to kind of feel out their vibes um connect with them and I've been struggling because I'm just the nicest person but sometimes I get the vibes that they don't like me um but yeah I just kind of need your advice on that um to get over that and just be myself because it's hard thank you love you bye love you um yeah that's I salute you I absolutely salute you for working in a hospital holy shit I just talked to my friend last night and she was having a full-on mentee b because holy shit is that job hard shout out to all my rns out there my nurses cnas whatever you are i love you thank you for doing literally god's

work i dropped out of that shit because i was like listen i'm weak i cannot do i can't do that job so thank you um but rns are scary they're a little scary most terrifying woman i know yeah she's an RN um like a full-grown woman like I'm terrified of her she is a RN and she's batshit crazy but this is not the point I'm not trying to scare you the main point of me bringing this up is when I am fearful of what other people think and when I find myself being fearful of what other people are thinking of me or wondering or guessing or oh I'm anxious do they like me that's because I don't know who I am and I'm not secure in who I am or the idea of who I am or whatever aspect it is and in turn I'm seeking outward because I'm questioning inward and no one around you or

outside of you will ever get you like you get yourself because you are constantly with yourself you are constantly experiencing things with yourself you only know things about yourself that nobody else will know that you will never tell anybody else you get you more than your best friend and you need to step into that energy because the more you seek outward for somebody to tell you who you are whether it's a oh let's do this thing or you know or oh do they like me are they are they giving me approval or anything of that sort the more you seek outward the further you're gonna get away from yourself and it's okay to like want to be enjoyed by people um but i think it's like don't seek outward seek inward become comfortable with yourself when you're getting

those anxious feelings snap yourself out of it give yourself three compliments move on um and also you don't have to take their perceptions so seriously because there's a lot of miserable people out there and if you let all the miserable people that you're gonna run into out there get to you you're gonna be miserable just like them and you don't need that to happen sometimes i will literally experience a customer at work and i'm like holy shit you're just like a sad human being and me fiending after your approval is simply never gonna happen because first of all they don't even have their own approval so how are they gonna give me approval so me fiending after that is just going to hurt myself in the long run I got to give up where I stand and get

over it and understand that their perception of me really doesn't matter the only perception of me that matters truly ever is my own and how I feel about myself whether it's good or bad bad being something to work on work up and appreciate and honor while also good being something to honor and celebrate um and to want to sustain either way however you're feeling about yourself in that moment is what truly matters not the outside but i do get like wanting to be accepted by people and supported and loved but some people don't have the capacity to love and accept and support other people and you got to walk away from that instead of getting stuck feeding after their um validation because it's it might not ever come and you don't need to be

running in that circle forever babe okay okay i love you you're amazing i hope your new job is treating you well don't let miserable people get to you and also give yourself a few compliments over here and there because you're you're doing great that's a hard job all right it's a hard place to work and also when you're in the workplace and like you know emotions are heightened all right sometimes it's not personal like i learned that very quickly in a restaurant job if someone snaps at you sometimes it's not personal sometimes like they're just overwhelmed and ideally at the end of the day you should be able to bring it up and apologize and move on moving on being the the biggest part but some people just like don't think that hard about it

and move on and sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is just be like i'm not gonna take this too seriously whatever uh we'll try it again tomorrow you know everybody has their own things going on in their life and sometimes it's not a direct reflection of you it's more of a reflection of them did you guys know i've been sober for a week now crazy right i'm on my health girl kick not like my almond mom kick like a i need to become more aware of my body as i age instead of being avoidant of it kind of kick um so yeah i've been sober for a week not like sober sober more like california sober i think california sober is really honestly the way to go and california sober is basically just shrooms and weed i haven't done shrooms in a while

um but you know me and weed we go uh we got our we we love each other anyways i just haven't been drinking i have realized that drinking has recently only been causing me problems um like i love a a drink every here and there but after I've been drinking recently I've been getting extremely violently hungover to the point where the next day is just like a total call out like I cannot do anything other than be miserable and lay in bed and I hate that feeling and it was a reoccurring cycle of me just wanting to be like party girl go out get fucked up but I also have like no limit so I go out and like I can't just have one drink that's not possible for me which is also an issue I need to deal with um and why another reason why I'm going California sober at least sober from

alcohol um because one drink's not possible it's 10 you know and a couple shots here and there and then all of a sudden I'm falling off fucking bird scooters like knocking teeth out throw an ass like getting in fight like it's just too much and also like even if I want to casually drink like I feel like people casually drink and it can be good like it could be relaxing you can get a nice buzz do whatever but for me alcohol makes me like angry like I would find myself wanting to have a bottle of wine with my boyfriend and then I would just be angry at him and I'm like why do I feel this way like he didn't do anything like I'm just kind of a dick right now and I don't like that feeling that's not that's not a fun feeling and it's only a feeling that happens when I drink

so I've really been stepping away also my bloat is gone I've been extremely bloated for the past like three months four months and I've been drinking heavily the past four months not like heavily but like maybe every other night maybe that is heavily but I felt like I was gonna explode and I realized it was just all the alcohol I was consuming and just too much too much alcohol so yeah stepping away from that has honestly felt very very good sorry little water break but I'm unsure how long it will last I'm hoping it lasts a while um but I will keep you guys updated on my sober kick if any other girls are trying it out or want to try it out I encourage you to do so you can still go out and spend time with friends and have

a good time without drinking absolutely absolutely um and i think that's kind of the point is like i shouldn't feel a need to go out and want to spend time with friends but also like get fucking fucked up like that's not necessary you can go out and have a good time and have a chill night and have one drink but until i can do that i gotta just step away for a second so yeah i guess i'm sober now someone said they went to a shrek themed rave this weekend and rolled on molly a lot to process that sounds like a fucking blast i can't lie the shrek raves that are coming around they look so fun i miss the one that came here but if you see them coming to your town you've never been to a rave go to it try it out holy shit the fucking people working on the

oh the grass i cannot take it anymore also after doing molly you really got to give yourself some tlc trust me i used to roll all the time and honestly if you want to roll step number one is you can really only do it every so often i was doing it like every weekend every other day no no no no my brain dead immediately you cannot do that do it like every four months at the most you gotta give your time like your brain time to process it also you want to keep having fun so don't ruin the fun early on um also do a little tlc before and after drink your water take your vitamins make sure you're eating fatty healthy foods like avocados um anything like that just make sure you're really focused on you taking care of yourself especially when it comes to

molly because that shit just like oh my god it just rails on your brain and you're gonna be a little exhausted so take it slow you know what i mean but it can be it can be a lot of fun i'm glad you went to a rave i'm glad you had a blast um i could only imagine what being at a shuck rave on molly would be like it sounds fucking fantastic so uh someone said what are the girlies doing this summer for me personally i'm gonna be just like high and naked all the time in nature preferably outside of the house not on the streets in nature that's the goal a whole reason like i'm staying in kansas city another year is because last year i found this beautiful meditative place that really helped like me connect with my inner child um and it was basically just a fucking river but it's out

in the middle of nowhere in nature and it's so nice and i really want to experience that again before I leave and honor that and really take advantage of where I am. So yeah, the vibe for me this summer is just like getting high, feeling hot, laying in the sun, being in nature, being outside, being on a beach, having some, you know, coconut water and some sparkling water and journaling and doing some yoga like that's the energy I'm on this summer I love that I love that energy that's really what I'm gonna try and dive into excited I'm so excited someone said how to stop feeling like people hate me when they're really just busy first of all you're aware of it you just got to remind yourself of it best thing I learned as an adult is to step back realize that

being in your 20s is extremely overwhelming at least for myself personally so I can only imagine what everybody else is going through it's not so personal everybody is way more focused on themselves than they are at you at this point so you also in turn need to be focused on yourself people reach out to you when they can reach out to you and if they can't reach out to you don't take it personally listen best I've said this before and I'll say it again the bestest friends that i will ever have are the friends where i can disappear for three months and come back and we can act like nothing ever happened because those are people who are truly accepting of me understanding that i am an individual who's everlastingly changing and evolving and sometimes i need space

and i will always provide that to them i am not great with clingy friends who are get mad at me for not replying to their text it's like babe i'm going through shit i can't always you know respond to a text but if you're the kind of person who needs that overwhelming clingy friendship then maybe don't settle I'm the kind of chill person who can step back and be like no it's whatever I understand we're all individuals but even just being able to make normal adult friendships you're gonna be caught up in shit and not everybody's gonna be able to be there constantly but always be appreciative of them when they're there best adult lesson you can really ever learn is that people are way more involved with themselves and you need to do that too you

need to be involved with yourself don't take it so personally ever hi hannah this is a fan from the netherlands um okay so i have a question for you uh i've been dating this guy for like a month now and we've had like four dates i think and we already shared the bed if you know what i mean but I'm very shy and awkward with like showing affection I guess when we're hanging out so I don't I'm not very touchy or anything and I'm not sure how touchy I should be after we've only seen each other like four times but also we've had sex so like what are the rules on this should I be touching him more should i be giving him kisses more i'm not sure like what is to do i feel comfortable with him but i'm just very awkward and i don't know what's good okay thanks

bye this is so fucking cute okay love affection so many great questions here because dating can be tricky you know what i mean i feel like even for girlies here in america it's like oh my god I've only seen this guy this many times and like we've been intimate like babe I slept with my boyfriend within the first four hours I met him like four hours and he spent two days at my house but still I was like am I being too clingy should I do this should I do that and it's kind of odd because there's no rules for dating you know what I mean I wish there was like a guidebook that I could give every girl like this is how you date um but we all approach love differently and especially as a shy girl I'm a shy girl too as much as I'm loud and boisterous when it comes

to affection like I'm a little shy like you I'm unsure about myself a little bit and that's okay but I feel like this is a great time where if he's being lovey-dovey with you like if he's you know grabbing your hand or hugging you or giving you kisses or whatever it is this is a great time to kind of step out of maybe your comfort zone and not in a comfort zone in a bad way it's like you know you're just a little shy you got to push yourself out there a little bit and reciprocate you know I feel like the best rule of thumb is just reciprocate the energy that they're giving you or if you want more then show them the energy that you want to receive energy is all about give and take give and take so if he's showing you affection and you know he's giving you hugs he

on the forehead and you know then show that back give him some hugs you know do whatever you need to do if you're heading down that kind of path then go for it but if you want to maybe see more from him more affection then show him what you want like give him a little hug here and there grab his hand give him a little kiss you know what I mean but if you're going on dates and you're sleeping together I'm gonna say best bet is like it's okay to kiss each other it's okay to show affection showing affection shouldn't be a problem I don't think you should be scared to do so um but yeah love that new relationship so exciting hope it goes well just have fun you know what I mean be open to being in love and be open to that like gushy romantic feeling um and show that if

you want to show that in your heart don't hold yourself back um we only get a little bit of time with the people that we do have in our lives um so show them that you love them as much as you can while you have them you know what i mean even if it's 80 years or three years love them as much as you can um and don't be afraid to show affection and don't ever feel the need to hold back on showing affection but i do get that like i understand the shy like nervous girl energy of being like i just don't know how you know that's why i think reciprocating is always the best bet you know if they're showing you certain affection it's okay to reciprocate but also like if you want to receive some let's show him teach him the ways you know but don't be scared have fun that's what

love's about you know what i mean have as much fun as you can okay so callie uchi's released a new album and a bunch of you guys have been asking for an album review um hold on let me take a swig of water water break water check you guys are gonna be extra hydrated hydrated at the end of this i will make sure of that but um new album red moon and venus cali uchis i've been waiting for her to release anything please my god um and this was amazing really good i love that she's trying new things and constantly evolving and changing you can definitely tell she's like really in love in this album which i think is beautiful and wonderful um and a funny thing about her is like her interludes are always my favorite songs i don't know why and it sucks it's

like 45 seconds or like a minute long song but her interludes always slap on all of her albums uh but this album specifically i'm gonna say my favorite songs were worth the wait uh fantasy with don tolliver of course and moral conscious that was another good one those are definitely my favorite and those are not the ones she promoted i wish she honestly wouldn't have promoted anything and just dropped it and then started promoting because i don't like a tease like i love listening to an album raw like i've never heard anything but i couldn't escape her songs on tiktok and they are good but there are they are kind of like radio-y do you know what i mean i love a good like weird fucking song she has some good ones on there definitely worth

listening to very excited i'm gonna see her on tour i hope she plays some of her old stuff too like some of her soundcloud stuff like back in the fucking day um but love her to the ends of the earth fantastic artist if you just want to feel like sexy and divine and just loved like turn the lights off and put on kelly uji's like amazing love her someone um asked me if i have any tips on dealing with grief and actually yes i do finally all my grief girlies i know i hear you i see you i haven't been ignoring you i just felt like i you know didn't i haven't gone through any grief recently knock on wood other than things involving myself and my past selves and my future selves and grieving those um i've been through situations when i was younger but nothing very

recently where i felt like i had experience and thus was able to um give you any advice tbh because i never want to be on here giving like just like fake advice it's like all of this is coming from a place where I have been and I want to be real with that but my grief girlies last month as I was talking about I was implementing a book into my life and as someone who is very self-sabotage very much so likes to inflict pain on myself in the real world by like making bad decisions I was like let's do a little psychology test here and let's just implement something else that isn't going to actually hurt me but it's still going to provide me the same feeling so like i guess people listen to sad music to do that for me personally i picked a very depressing sad book

um and this was by one of my favorite authors and is becoming one of my favorite authors in my adult life but it's Joan Didion and it's called um the year of magical thinking and or my year magical thinking one of the two but it is all about starting from the point where her husband dies in front of her while her daughter is in a coma and the year after that and how she processes these emotions and how she goes through them and the point that she gets to in the end I read this book in two plane plane rides okay and those plane rides were two hours long I was devouring this book because not only is it like giving you kind of tips not like actually like tip number one but she's like I drug myself out of bed today and it's like okay you know we

can implement some of that but it's also like grief has this funny way of isolating people even though it is a feeling that every single person feels and having somebody to go through that with you or to tell you like hey it's okay you will get through this I think is extremely important and this book is like having a friend to hold your hand through it all and sometimes it's nice when you are feeling these emotions to be like, these emotions are valid. It's okay to be sad. How do I work through this? How do I get through this? And also a reminder that I'm not alone. So this is a book that I'm going to be gifting to friends whenever they are going through any grief or loss. This is a book that I'm going to be probably reading again whenever I go through

a closer grief or loss, but I feel like it is an amazing tool. And also she is a wonderful, fantastic writer i'm so glad i read it and i think you guys would love it but i do think when grief comes around it has a way of just like being so overwhelming that we feel alone because no way is it possible for any other person to feel how insane this feeling is right now but it is the funny thing about human beings is we all share so many similar qualities and sometimes the best thing you can really feel when you are feeling down is that you simply are not alone in that feeling and somebody is walking it with you and this book was written like forever ago so it's very interesting to go through it you know in a different time period look back and also just have a little bit of hope

and have a sense of hope especially by the end of it all so really recommend this book love you all sending so much love to you someone asked what are your thoughts on self-discipline and motivation only thoughts right now are self-motivation and discipline work if it's coming from a place of love and wanting to get better in a positive way not from self-hatred because even if you get to the point you want through the self-hatred technique it will not feel satisfying nor completing you have to do it from a place of love and acceptance and understanding for it to work and to take hold and also for it to work out in the long term so approach self-discipline and motivation with love always anyways i think this is basically the end of the podcast i know i know

i was going through the rest of the questions and you guys just seem tired and burnt out and exhausted and overwhelmed and listen i feel you i hear you a lot of you guys are probably like mid-semester blues you know what i'm feeling listen there's a light at the end of the tunnel okay you will get there i pinky promise um you will get there okay and it's a struggle to get there but anything good is going to have a little bit of a struggle so stand by yourself treat yourself fairly be easy on yourself stand up for yourself and just take it one day at a time if there's one thing you can do you can wake up and always choose to change you always have a new start at every single day but sometimes listen sometimes you just need to take it one day at a

time even one hour at a time um so be patient show yourself a little bit of love if you haven't seen it in a while treat yourself a little bit release things that are coming to you and are feeling like they're dragging you down obviously some things are hard work but there's other things that it feels like you are pouring into a bottomless fucking pit and you are not gonna get anywhere and sometimes it's better to just like cut let go release and this full moon today if you're listening is a perfect fucking day to do so so be kind to yourself show yourself a little bit of love don't be so fucking hard on yourself and trust me before you know it you will be listen at the end of the tunnel and it's going to be a bright fucking shining light

walking out of it you're going to feel so amazing and so wonderful and so appreciative to making it so stay hang in there all right you'll get through it i love you all thank you for joining me again this was a really fun episode i had a blast did you guys like it i i had a great time but like i always say you can see more content on my patreon if you're interested little vlogs little behind the scenes little spells i do monday affirmations book reviews whatever it is that'll be on my patreon um everything else will be on my instagram at hannah marlene you already know you will find me here every tuesday bright and early ready to hang out with you guys but i love you all hang in there you'll get through it i promise sending

you so much love this beautiful tuesday have a wonderful rest of your week