Smoke Sesh - perfectionism, failure, healthy addictions & “pretty” depression

Episode Date: November 15, 2022

happy Tuesday everyone! Hope we had a wonderful week, I update you on my life and what I’ve been up to, we also talk trusting the process, how to not be avoidant/lazy, and what perfectionism really means, how to grow and reach your goals, conflict & how to handle it, healthy addictions and what that means, dopamine addictions, tiktok, healthy habits and setting routines, the light and dark side to all of us, appreciating both sides, finding therapy, jobs I have had through the years and how to make quick $, giving yourself grace, “pretty” depression and how it shows up, how to ask for help, choosing yourself, and much much more. I love you all so so much and I’ll be releasing an extra special episode of the pod on Thursday so I’ll see you all again soon

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know, just somebody to look out for them. Some people call me their fairy smoke mother, others their internet big sister, but you can call me Hannah, the host of Smoke Sash, so come hang out, let's light up and talk everything there is to life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing, I've got a story for it all. Good morning everybody, how the hell are we all doing? i should say morning i think it's technically the afternoon it's like 12 i oh my god so it just got so fucking cold here out of nowhere it just it feels like a punch to the fucking face drop downs

like 20 degrees and of course knowing you know just my wonderful luck my heating went out so i've been without heat for like a week running around trying to get that sorted out so i'm recording this from my boyfriend's apartment thank you so much to him for letting me use this and convert it into a little podcasting space uh shout out but i have been dealing with that all morning a maintenance man was supposed to come out and never showed up love that for me um had to have my dad yell at some people over the phone which is always very satisfying to hear especially if you're a girl who has like a hard time sticking up for herself sometimes i'm just like i'm just gonna pass the phone to my dad like even at 23 years old i'm like i'm gonna let him handle it

he knows how to handle these kinds of situations and i get walked over a little bit just because i am a 23 year old girl so he definitely handled that i'm getting some money taken off my monthly statement shout out but yeah I had the day off and was planning on just being able to enjoy it you know look out my beautiful windows at the snow-covered trees and drink my hot coffee but no um when this would happen if I was younger and a little bit less emotionally stable like one change in my plans would make me lose my fucking mind like end of the world type of behavior you know what I mean like I'm losing my shit but now that I'm older and my frontal lobe is starting to you know finish forming and fully develop I'm able to handle these situations a

little bit more uh or a little bit better go with the flow a little bit more one could say so I'm just trying to make the best of it i got me some coffee on the way back to my boyfriend's place i chugged that i'm getting sushi with a friend this afternoon um and i think this evening my only goal is to take a really warm nice bath so i'm gonna go try and hunt down some cutesy little cbd bath bombs to try um and just give myself a relaxing evening when it's so fucking cold out that you can feel it in your bones there really is nothing better than a nice warm bath I'm going to a rave tomorrow I'm very excited it's gonna be super fun I haven't been to one in a while and I've been trying to challenge myself to get out more and to appreciate life more and not lock myself up

in my house where I am the most comfortable um try and get out and try new experiences you know push myself out of my comfort zone because that's the only way you can really learn about yourself is if you just try new things challenge yourself a little bit last week I talked about this a little bit and I did a little day in the life if you're interested on my patreon um a little vlog and I included this but I went to my or a full moon ceremony which was so fucking fun it was so fun i was so nervous because i you know new things they scare you a little bit um just because you are unsure of what is about to come so i was definitely you know a little nervous walking into it but i walked out of it feeling like such a intense and amazing sense of community

i had so much fun i learned so many new things it was wonderful to kind of get together and sit with people who are like-minded um so if there's anything on your mind that you've been like oh you know i really want to try that but maybe you don't have somebody to go with or you know you're unsure about it or you're letting that anxiety kind of get in your head and eat away at reality just do it do it challenge yourself i guarantee you will have so much fucking fun i went to that alone there's like 15 other people and all of them are basically alone as well um a few people had are like a reoccurring you know they show up every full moon but a lot of them are people who have never been before and you know wanted to challenge themselves and get out of the house and i think

that is incredible and wonderful and it was just so much fun so i'm very excited for my rave tomorrow i think it'll be really fun as well i do have some friends going to that that i'm meeting up with um but my challenge for that rave specifically is I have an issue with um how do I put this substance control you could say that I definitely inherited the addiction gene from my family tree on both sides so my goal tomorrow is just to go out have fun and only have a few drinks um usually when I go out I kind of get in this mindset of like a fuck it we ball my like mindset and I'm like I'll have like nine drinks a line and then pass it on the floor no no no I'm trying to have a chill enjoy my time and also be able to enjoy the next day kind of

situation you know I'm trying not to lose my fucking mind too much so that's my goal for tomorrow have fun stay sober as much as i can maybe one drink you know what i mean i can handle one drink um but that's all i have planned for the week enjoy myself work a little bit go to a concert what's better than that um but yeah that's all i have really to update you guys on last night i made a video about this my munchies were insane you might have seen the tiktok but i literally woke up and my boyfriend's like how did m&ms get in the bed my munchies must have been just some type of like ravenous insane like possessive kind of munchies because i woke up to melted m&ms like stuck to my ass and melted all over the sheets it was quite honestly crazy and you know your

munchies were just out of control wild like literally you were possessed and you ate your whole entire fridge when you wake up and there's just like random food in your bed someone said that they woke up to a slice like a quesadilla slice next to their face it was like felt absolutely i think we've all been there when it comes to munchies but now that i'm at my boyfriend's house i can actually like smoke with you guys um at my apartment i kind of have to do it secretly because you're not technically supposed to smoke but my boyfriend's apartment doesn't give a fuck so you know what let's take a little bowl together get our minds right and then you guys sent me so many questions so fucking many and we did mostly confessionals

last week which was so fun thank you so much for the confessionals you guys sent in um so i have a lot of questions to get to and a lot of topics that have been on my mind so with that being said i don't know why i'm out of breath like what is going on um i'm gonna take i'm gonna hit a bowl but i'm gonna i'm gonna smoke a little bully bowl and yeah we're gonna get into some all right bowl loaded vibes good i cannot wait so much on sushi after this i haven't had sushi in such a long time my friend is in town and me and her well me and like our group of friends would go to this restaurant all the time and just sit there for hours and eat endless fucking sushi and it is honestly the best thing ever especially after you just smoked a fat bowl so with that being said

cheers let's hit this honestly that was pretty yummy okay all righty now let's jump into some questions okay as you guys know little pre-psa for those who might not know if you ever want to submit a question ever interested in submitting a question i get all of these from my instagram at hannah marlene um if you want to send one that is the place to go uh with that being said let me see what we got for the day oh okay sorry um someone asked how to stop being a perfectionist plus allow yourself to relax oh okay i think this is a great question i have like a weird weird uh combo of personality traits i am a very lazy person but i had to realize that i was

extremely fucking lazy because i was a perfectionist um i would get these like i'm a very creative person always have been love art love creating but i got to a point where i would get these ideas I would think of these things oh I want to do this or oh I would love to do this and instead of being like okay you know rationally let's take the first step forward to create this thing I would immediately get overwhelmed oh but what if it doesn't turn out like this oh but I want it to be like this oh I don't know where to start all these like you know self-doubt ideas would pop into my mind stemming from a perfectionist mindset stemming from me fearing that what I'm gonna do is not gonna be perfect and then I would just get overwhelmed and like

just dissociate and not even start it because it would be too hard to start it than to finish it um and it took me finally getting into like a higher kind of level of art um which would have in art school for and like sitting down with other creatives and seeing them problem solve for me to kind of realize this toxic trait I had and for me to kind of pull through and fix it um I had created this piece and straight up did not like it was not into it and my art teacher had to sit me down and be like, listen, bitch, stop having a meltdown. Your first piece will never be perfect. Ever. And that is a fact that every single person just needs to accept. To get that perfect product that you are idealizing in your mind, it will never, ever,

ever be that first thing you create. It'll be the fifth, or the 20th, or the 100th thing you create. the thing is you have to persevere through those bad products quote-unquote bad or just things that didn't turn out how you would like to be able to get to that final perfect thing and a if you do not start you will not get there b if you do not learn from your mistakes learn what you like and dislike recreate keep going persevere you will not get to that perfection standpoint so why hold yourself back and why stop that creative flow when you in reality can get there if you just try very simple all you fucking have to do is try so this specific piece i was working on it was like she had found old letters um at the thrift store and she gave us each a letter and we had to create

a piece of art surrounding it um my letter didn't really call to me was not that interesting um but but I figured out a way to use it once she was like, okay, here's your piece of art that you don't like. Now tear it up. Rip it up, okay? Put that energy into your piece. Fix it. Draw over it. Tape it together different ways, but you need to keep creating until you get there. So I think the way to kind of escape that perfectionism mindset is to understand that perfectionism or getting to that final product of what you want, the idealized perfect thing, is in fact a process. It will never be overnight. It will not be the first thing you create. But I guarantee that if you sit down and you work with yourself, you understand what you like, what you dislike about this thing, paint

over it, rip it up, try again, you will absolutely get to what you're trying to get to. It just takes a little bit of work it takes a little bit of effort but if you give into that self-doubt if you give into those overwhelming thoughts that laziness okay that eats away at you you will never get there period point blank but honestly you can create and do almost anything you want if you put your mind to it and if you don't let yourself almost get to yourself if you don't let that nagging get to you I remember there's a point in time in art school where um they assigned us a project and it was like okay you have eight hours basically like end of class at five o'clock to beginning of class at 9 a.m to finish like a eight foot by eight foot sculpture out of cardboard and

it has to somewhat resemble this and we had no instructions other than that we had no supplies no material no direction that was the end of class and my professor was like hey good luck and we had to have that done but if I were to give into that oh but I can't do it or oh I've never worked with cardboard or oh my god I've never built a sculpture before I just can't do it I can't do it of course I'm not gonna fucking get there I'm never no one's gonna get there if that's how you're thinking in your mind but if you let yourself give into the fantasy a little bit and you trust yourself and you trust the process okay you will get to what you want guess what I finished creating that sculpture it was amazing it was brilliant I got an A in the fucking

class but I had to learn to stop giving into that kind of like self-doubt self-sabotage mindset and to really lean into the process that is creating and I'm talking in an art kind of mindset because i know this person specifically does art and also this is kind of where i've learned it from um but this this stands for everything okay that degree that you want it's not gonna be easy it's not gonna be an overnight fucking turnaround you're gonna have to put work tears sweat an abundance of energy into it but if you trust the process understand that the goal that you have is achievable and trust in yourself you will get there with time and with work and with effort unfortunately i am not a nepotism baby i don't think you are i don't think anybody who's listening

to this is um but you can get to those goals that you want if you just trust in yourself and trust the process that is working hard uh unfortunately we gotta work hard in this life nothing's gonna to be fucking handed to us all right but if you trust yourself trust the process and trust the work that you're putting into yourself and the effort that you're putting into yourself you will get there and also your your confidence will skyrocket um because you're trusting in the your work ethic you're putting effort not only into yourself but also into something that is a goal of yours um really builds up the confidence really builds up that self-trust and really builds up kind of like a drive and a motivation but you have to take that first step step of just being

like okay I'm done with the self-sabotaging I just need to start and you have to understand that it's probably not going to go the way you want straight up but if you let that deter you you will never get to where you want to go failure is a natural process not getting things or like doing things incorrectly is a natural process there's no human on this planet who's going to act behave complete something perfectly every single fucking time that's an anomaly that's like a 0.001 percentage of a person you know like like maybe one person on this planet can behave that way but for the majority we're all gonna make mistakes we're all gonna have a hard time we're all gonna have a little bit of trouble you know getting into some things and to get to where

we want to go but you cannot let that stop you and you cannot let that kind of deter you from your dreams and your goals and from that ambition because I feel like honestly at that point it feels like you're kind of running away from yourself in a sense and you're putting yourself on the back burner and that doesn't feel good that's not uplifting to the confidence that's not uplifting the self-trust. So when you face the hardships that are kind of like just getting through a process and getting to where you want to go, don't let it stop you, okay? A lot of that perfectionism mindset is just not allowing yourself the time or the energy that it truly, truly takes to get to where you want to go. Failure is natural. Everybody's gonna face it. If you fear it, it's

going to control you okay so just accept it it's it's it has nothing to do with you failure is natural for everybody it's not going to it's not going to bring you down it's not going to hurt you it's not going to put you behind you're going to learn from it you're going to grow from it and you're going to do better next time all right but yeah a lot of that perfectionism is I think a fear kind of based mindset of failing um and not trusting in yourself to work through the problems that you do have what you're going to create is not going to be perfect the first time you have to give into the process trust in yourself and work through those difficult times and then you will get to where you want to go if you do that i guarantee you will get that kind of like perfect

thing that you're thinking of but it's not going to be easy but that shouldn't deter you i hope that helped love you oh okay this is ominous someone said the myth relationships shouldn't be hard hmm interesting i think yes and no i have been in very very difficult relationships that have not worked out and i've also been in very very very easy relationships that also have not worked out right now i feel like i'm in a nice middle and i think the myth is that uh you're gonna have ups and down downs in relationships uh a relationship will never be perfect goody amazing all of the fucking time of course naturally as humans you're gonna have a little bit of conflict i think the healthiest healthiest relationships though are the ones that face

conflict and work through it together okay you're not opposing teams you're working together to fix the conflict to find a solution and to work together to get better you know what i mean um i do not think you should be fighting 24 fucking 7 even if at the end of the day you're on good terms i don't think that's healthy for anybody i do think a little bit of conflict is you know healthy you should be able to work through stuff um but at the end of the day you know your friendships are going to be difficult your relationships with your parents are going to be difficult of course your relationship with your partner is going to be a little difficult at times i do not think it should be the majority um but when it does come

up i do think you guys should be working together to find a solution and a balance and instead of being on opposing teams at that point in time you guys are hearing each other out you're communicating your needs you are listening to each other you're opening yourselves up to conversation and you're working towards an end goal i think those are absolutely the healthiest relationships but the myth relationship shouldn't be hard yeah i guess that is a myth uh relationships are gonna be hard uh if you live in a fantasy world of like oh we're never ever gonna fight I don't think that's healthy it will come up eventually that's just naturally how we are as humans I don't think it should deter you from the relationship the only thing should that should

deter you from the relationship is how you guys are handling that conflict okay is it healthy okay are we communicating or is it unhealthy and is there stonewalling and is the person not talking to you or refusing to talk to you are you guys screaming at each other are there personal statements being said that are gonna hurt the person deeply like let's think about it a little bit you know what i mean but yeah someone asked how to stop being uh on tiktok and be productive set a timer set a timer i did this with studying and i kind of have to do this when i'm like finding myself in a tiktok hole but when you need to be productive like you have like one thing on your task lists or seven be like okay this thing's gonna take me like what 30 minutes all right set

a 30 fucking minute timer when that timer goes off cool now that's your tiktok break you're gonna set another timer for like what like five minutes i think that's plenty of time to be on tiktok set a timer for five minutes that's the amount of time you can get on your phone and just mindlessly scroll and do whatever okay but as soon as that timer goes off you go back to that productive task again timers really really help me um because i don't fucking keep track of time because if i look at a clock all of that is arbitrary i don't really know what fucking numbers i'm looking at but an alarm it like signals something in my brain to be like okay bitch what the fuck we gotta do where are we turning our attention to now and it's okay to

give yourselves yourself breaks it's it's absolutely fine um but i think the alarm really helps kind of shift your brain into being like okay what's next what am i doing now but set time limits for yourself and make them like like you gotta stick to them okay or else it's not gonna work out but set time limits for yourself and um give yourself adequate breaks i think absolutely that's okay but instead of scrolling on tiktok for eight hours and then doing one hour of productive things be like okay i'm gonna set an alarm for 30 minutes 45 minutes okay i'm gonna turn on some music in the background like a podcast in the background you can turn this on hey hi um and just do whatever the fuck you need to do and when that timer goes off allow yourself a break a

little break set another timer whether it's 5 10 15 minutes for your break and then after that goes off you know get back to work hi hannah first i just wanted to start off by saying thank you because i literally sit on spotify on tuesdays refreshing spotify hoping that the pod is out so i can get through my last couple hours of work and anytime i think of a problem that i'm having i'm like i should ask hannah about this she would know what to do but basically i just need help with replacing negative dopamine sources with positive ones not weed but like things like my biggest one is food I feel like I've always used food as like kind of a reward like as a little like thing and like it's just horrible for my ed and it just makes it impossible to

like feel good about myself and I just don't know how to fix it so any advice would be appreciated I love you. Hi, Lovey. I love this question because it's something I have been deeply thinking about for a while now. Here's the thing. We are all addicts. Before you're like, no, yes. We are all dopamine junkies.

And it all comes from something different. All right? We all get our addiction from something different. Our bodies and minds aren't designed for modern life. and because of that our pleasure stress chemicals are all messed up um we all need higher levels of dopamine to get by nearly everyone has some form of addictive escapism whether it's hard drugs alcohol caffeine sugar junk food gambling porn social media video games youtube buying stuff it's all similar the only difference is the level of addictiveness and how bad it is for you

the worse or further away our optimal life is the more dopamine we need to make up the difference everyone has a different optimal life based on personality but essentially we all want mostly the same things long term short all you have to do is replace a bad habit with a good habit and you do so gradually and you do so by um sticking to a routine and replacing it within your routine so say your addiction is uh tiktok you spend two two hours a day scrolling on tiktok you want to cut it back to one hour one hour is healthier than two hours so in that one hour gap that you have you're going to replace it with instant stimulus things such as going for a walk um decluttering your house reading a book whatever is something that you can pick up instantly and get going

um but i'm gonna get you a little list of some healthy dopamine sources so if you're interested feel free to write these down or whatever but ask yourself did people enjoy doing this 100 years ago if the answer is yes you'll probably enjoy it too take walks make friends with your neighbors and get to know your community a little better host little get-togethers decide to take up a new hobby music maybe you've always wanted to know what's up with uh metal or you always wanted to make or wanted to appreciate classical music more just having music playing in the house is a boost food do you know how to cook get an instant pot and make some delicious stuff exercise yoga classes team sports swimming is there a tennis or racquetball club nearby or maybe an adult soccer

league do you have a pet even caring for a house plant or planting a container of tomatoes is immensely satisfying read a classic book you've never got around to or join a reading group do You have a family who misses you, nieces or nephews. Spending time with children who already love you is rewarding. Maybe there's something you can do to contribute to your neighborhood. Big Brothers, Boy Scouts, a school program. Be a shining light in someone's day. Ending your day knowing that you have a place in the world that makes other people happy is a terrific joy.

And it's addicting in a way that Netflix can't even hold a candle to. Very simple things. But the key is we're all addicts. We just have to replace it with something that is a healthy addiction. And yes, there's such things as healthy addictions. That's why I say when I take a tea break, okay, I'm not going to smoke weed, but also I like having this as a part of my daily ritual. I can replace it with something healthy.

CBD, Paz Pax, love them. Code Smug Sesh for 10% off. Small plug there. Anyways, but you have to replace it with something. Trust me, I'm an addict. i know if you go without that stimulus and you don't get your dopamine for the day you're gonna feel like shit that's just a natural part of how we act as humans okay say you like scroll on tiktok for eight hours a day that's a lot of stimulus and that's a lot of dopamine that you're getting

instantly if you cut all that out and you just sit there all day and don't do anything you're gonna go fucking insane all right so replace it with something healthy yes you're gonna have to to be apparent to yourself. Yes, you're going to set, you're going to have to set structure up in your day. You're going to have to set timers. You're going to have to do some deep research on what you truly enjoy and replace it with that. So you said yours is food. Okay. Say it's junk food, easily grabbable food. I have been here. Uh, I kind of healed it a little bit and now I still have some easy grabble, easy, you know, more grabbable food in my house because I get the munchies at night and I have to have something sweet or whatever. But say you enjoy food. That's

your thing but the issue is you know um unhealthy food and you eat a lot of it replace it with a meal okay a meal it's gonna take hours to cook like i said make chocolate chip cookies that are like fucking take 48 hours to make whatever it is put time and effort into that thing you are making make sure it is like a instead of an instant gratification make sure that gratification is held off for a little bit and your time is also utilized to do something productive but still at the very end of it you get something wonderful and amazing and delicious out of it um say uh your unhealthy addiction is um if you're a guy maybe it's porn okay so instead of getting on a porn website for 30 minutes a day go for a run okay um maybe you're replacing it with a book maybe

you're replacing it with cuddling with your partner whatever it is there are healthy alternatives that you can like find and are very easy to you know switch over to as long as you allow yourself to struggle okay implement them into your daily life do some research and stick to it you absolutely will get to where you want to go and you'll be able to replace it but we all have we're all addicts we all have addictions it's just identifying what is unhealthy in our lives and identifying what is healthy in our lives and actively trying to make that switch to make it better all right i hope this helps i hope it made sense but like it's okay to be bored all right it's okay to be bored i think we should be bored a majority of the time all right it gives us time

to think it gives us time to look over our lives it gives us time to really think about what we need to prioritize but it's okay to be slow and not get things instantly um i saw this tweet that i thought was amazing but you need to be slow maxing you need to be reading long fat books you need to be making 48 hour chocolate chip cookies you need to spend time watching wildlife you need to spend 15 plus minutes making your coffee you need to breathe in and breathe out you need to be slow all right i get it i have adhd that sounds awful to me but you need to allow yourself time to behave and to act in the world and not to instantly go for that gratification as soon as you're feeling bored okay stick to it you will get there um you do have to be a parent

to yourself when you have to be a little strict like i said that's why i set timers for myself i had to do that with my nanny kids to keep them on track as well but it really works for all of our brains um but you'll get there i promise all right this one came from my dms question for the pod can you talk about deep-rooted insecurities and shadow selves coming up this scorpio season really is revealing parts of myself i'm insecure about that i never even knew about what are some journaling props prompts for diving deeper into these parts of ourselves love this question um So when it comes to ourselves, I feel like in the healing journey, wonderful, amazing community that it is, a lot of people project this idea of this like ideal self and then this negative self. And we need to cut out these parts of these like bad parts of ourselves in order to get to this ideal self.

And we need to get rid of all the negativity and get rid of all the bad things and push that version of ourselves deeper and deeper down. i don't necessarily think that's healing i think the bad parts of you are just as relevant and necessary as the good parts of you because the good parts come from the bad parts all right but you need to love yourself wholly in order to heal and if you're pushing that darker deeper side down okay the one that scorpio season might be dragging out i know trust me you guys there's some drama queens and i love it and i live for it you're very sensitive highly intuitive um but some people kind of see that as like a darker personality when in reality i love how that rhymed that those are good characteristics okay it's just all about how

you use them i saw um fuck what's her name oh sozi do this on like a do she must have done this on her patreon but i saw her posting it but she had people draw um a good version of themselves and a bad version of themselves and um or like a like an angel and a devil or a higher and a lower whatever you want to characterize them as dark light there are good parts about the dark side and there are good parts about the light side um so she had she just was how people were like drawing themselves light and dark and they were listing off the characteristics of you know those sides and the goal here is to look at those sides and to appreciate both of them fully openly and honestly okay because if you spend your life trying to get to only the good side only the good

side i hate myself when i make mistakes and i hate myself when i do bad things and i need to punish myself and push myself down no no no that's not how you deal with that you deal with it by seeing yourself fully openly and honestly as who you are and loving every single bit of you no matter what it's okay to make mistakes and want to learn and grow from them but i don't think you should put yourself in a position where you are like beating on yourself and hurting yourself and really just pushing yourself down over those things i don't think that's a healthy way to kind of go about life so honestly i think that is a great kind of way of being able to perceive yourself and it's a great practice as well so maybe take a moment to you know sit down with

your journal take out a piece of paper bring out your favorite markers that you had as a kid colored pencils black and white pen whatever calls to you whatever feels good um and you know do a little doodle of a light and dark side of yourself and list off the things that you know you inhabit it on both sides look at them and appreciate everything that comes from each of those sides once you truly learn to accept yourself for everything you are and appreciate yourself for the light and the dark that's when true freedom and true healing and true self-appreciation starts to flourish okay someone said question for the pot what are the best ways a gal can make money in college i'm a full-time student pursuing a bachelor degree and money is tight i've taken

at full student loans split living costs with my partner and the budget is kept tight which means we i'm not having a lot of fun money in my life but i'm still having a difficult time affording to live especially with the holidays coming up what does a girl to do to get the back get that back um i don't have a lot of time on my hands to trial and error a bunch of random side gigs people on the internet are pushing um but you fairy smoke mother are the only one i trust to help thank you love you okay I think this is a great question I have always been a hustler girly I have had a job since I've been able to have a job so I can't give direct advice but I can tell you what I've done which I guess is advice anyways let's get into every single job I've had all of

the jobs I've had while working uh or not while working obviously I'm working uh but while being in school full-time whether in high school or college so first job I ever had I was a personal assistant to a child psychologist I was 15 14 um easy little tiny gig that I did after school he would come pick me up in his truck take me to his job I would just basically man the front desk for about three four hours he paid me seven dollars an hour no it's not enough to survive but it was enough for high school Hannah to be able to go get sushi and buy an eighth every once in a while you know what I mean um that was the first ever gig that I got very easy very simple um love being a personal assistant love being a secretary you get to sit on your

phone you answer phone calls occasionally okay um and it's really easy also if you have homework to do most of the time I was sitting there just doing homework writing papers whatever was needed because people would show up I would talk to them for 30 seconds give them their paperwork and then he would be talking to them as a therapist for like you know an hour hour and a half whatever it was so there's time in between to kind of get your shit done uh second job I was a daycare teacher I worked in the two-year-old room um this was after school in high school I would go there from about three to six i paid a little bit more i paid like eight dollars an hour nine dollars whatever um this job i was able to afford my very first ever handbag which was very fun like real

no one's ever used before handbag which is all i really cared about in high school um it was not enough to like survive and pay rent of course i was only like 16 living with my parents but it was a step up and I was able to make a little extra money and also I loved working with kids it was great they took like a three hour nap in the afternoon so if I like we didn't have school that day I would get like a three hour break okay just to hang out sit on my phone the lights were off I was like oh my god I could pass out um but kids are wonderful to work with i found so much pleasure in being able to like you know work with kids um see them grow up see them flourish see them be themselves i thought it was amazing brilliant and then in college

during the summers i would come back and work full time at that same daycare so i would be there from 6 a.m to 6 p.m that that paid enough to survive but it fucking killed me it was just so much work 6 a.m. was and I was living with my grandparents so I would have to drive 45 minutes from their house to my job get there at 6 a.m. teach kids all day and then leave at 6 p.m. and that was just a lot absolutely a lot um I found it very rewarding you know being able to watch kids grow up to help them to assist them but um definitely a lot absolutely a lot next job let's see okay college these were side gigs as soon as i entered college um when i wasn't working in the summers i was writing papers for people at my school if people were just lazy if i was at a party and someone

was like oh i got a paper due i don't want to fucking do it immediately here's my email what do you need to write uh it's a hundred dollars fifty dollars two hundred dollars whatever you want work with them work with the prices they have um there's also like online places that you can kind of get little jobs doing ghost writing if you like it if you're not good at writing so you're good at math okay now you're doing people's math homework if you're not good at math so you're good at science okay now you're doing people's science homework that you're sitting next to very easy little hustle i never did this but i had friends who did it but they were like ras or tas or they worked at the starbucks on campus all those kind of campus-based gigs are going to

really work with you to make sure you are excelling as a student um and these this is where the kind of fun money comes in so these little jobs and the small things that you pick up i think that's where most of kind of like the fun money comes from now what else did i move on to oh okay then i became a host at a restaurant i dropped out of college became a host at a restaurant didn't pay a whole lot but was really rewarding and i knew i could work my way up to being a server um i would literally sit at the host stand and write papers on my phone or do homework up there another great way of being able to kind of multitask college and working um usually restaurants like if you work dinner shifts you're able to be there at night when you're not in class so say you

have a class that gets out at four o'clock you don't have any classes for the rest of the day great you can go be a host work on your phone get your homework done there um after that i moved up to a serving position. I re-entered college. So I was working, say I had like mornings off some days, I was working those mornings as a server and then going to school afterwards. Or I was getting off my schooling and then I was going to work as a server. One amazing thing about being a server is you can, if it's a busy restaurant, you can make, you can work like three days a week and make all you need okay you can work only weekends and make all you need to survive and then guess what you want extra money cool pick up a shift here and there you know what i mean

now you want to really really elevate it so you've spent some time in the service industry you can jump into bartending which is the real money maker um if you are uncoordinated you're a hot girl you love making money and you also love nightlife I think bartending is absolutely where it's at I make a lot of money doing it and also I only work like three days a week now if you want to do a side gig um I used to just resell my clothes I was a huge thrifter I've kind of cut back on thrifting because holy shit I donated like four trash bags worth of stuff that I just like had not used in forever and i was like i am over thrifting as a way to oh new addiction dopamine dopamine addiction so i cut it out replaced it with something healthier um waited on those

impulse purchases a little bit um so i was buying and selling just vintage clothes very simple easy way you can make a hundred bucks here and there um say you have a bunch of clothes you've never worn boom upload them them on depop if you're like oh no one's gonna see these i guarantee people will see them as like whenever you first make an account on depop they kind of push your stuff a little harder as well because you're a new seller and they want you to sell some stuff so you keep selling stuff you know what i mean so i really recommend starting a new depop account and just listing everything you have okay replying to people if they're making offers you know negotiating with people whatever it is very simple way to make some money here and there

i also mentioned i sold brownies don't recommend i'm not gonna recommend that to you you could bake brownies like um or like muffins or whatever not edibles regular baked goods and sell them to people on campus very simple a dollar per brownie like a box of brownies is like four bucks it makes like 12 brownies dollar per brownie boom make some money unfortunately living does mean hustling a little bit um and if you really need to take a look at your finances and really kind of get them in order i recommend nerd wallet it really shows you where your money is going where you can cut back on what you can save and then you can kind of from there see what little jobs little tasks you can pick up i have never worked this job but i've hired somebody

from here task rabbit is incredible if you know you want to work on your own time you're kind of handy you have a spare car you have time on your hands task rabbit is incredible you can um just pick up odd jobs here and there according to what you're skilled at and make 20 30 bucks here and there depending on what time you have and what you know opportunities there are i paid someone 45 to pick up my ex's stuff and drop it on his front porch like 30 minutes away took maybe 30 minutes of their time and they made 45 easy fucking peasy my manager right now has a dog walker that comes to her house every single day and walks her dog for 30 minutes and makes 45 dollars if you love animals she goes she walks this dog she sends a picture she sends an update

and she gives it a treat gives it food and she leaves so easy little things here and there you really just have to a look at your finances ask yourself okay how much you know money do i need to pick up um is it just like a little bit of fun money like holy shit do i need to make rent and then ask yourself what your skills are everybody has skills everybody has different things that they can lean into um and then go for jobs here and there that accentuate those skills and you can put those skills to use i hope this helps these are all the small things that i've had to do to hustle we've all had to hustle we've all had to work hard you're not the only person working hard but i'm so fucking proud of you okay you're not alone in this we are all having to pick

up random tasks here and there to make money you know what my other manager did she propagates plants she'll find like one really rare plant for like 90 bucks and she'll propagate it this is like a long-term payoff kind of thing but these plant people go fucking insane they spend hundreds of dollars on these plants and they're just like little cuttings little propagations so if you are a green thumb you know it's dive into that kind of category but it's all about looking at your skills and diving into and utilizing those skills that you have for me personally very talkative person love working fast love utilizing my ADHD and my multi multitasking abilities so I bartend it's not something that I like want to do with the rest of my life it's not something that

I want to continue down but for now it works and it makes me money it gives me enough money to have some fun money and i'm happy where i am and that's all that really matters i'm not going to be like go after that 100k salary job like if that's in your range of what's possible yes absolutely fucking go after it apply to every fucking job that you can but if you're just looking for little jobs here and there there absolutely are ways that you can make money um and survive but you got to look at your talents and look at the things that you have time for and really you know sit down and focus on what will work for you and it's okay to work with what will work for you okay don't feel bad love you oh my gosh if you hear my stomach in the background i really apologize

i'm starving i leave in like 30 minutes to get sushi though i'm so excited but i want to get this done and uh posted so you guys can enjoy the rest of your day with that being said we have a lot more questions to go over um someone said flirting tips i think the best flirting you can do i've said this before and you're gonna be like oh why do you keep saying this but be yourself okay if they're not naturally attracted to you they're not going to be attracted to you there's no way of just like a just there's not worth trying to win a man over if you being yourself is not enough but lots of eye contact okay lots of eye contact gentle touching laughing playfulness all very fun when it comes to flirting but i feel like if there's not that natural kind

of like a riz then it's not gonna be it's not gonna work and it's okay if that's not naturally there don't push it find someone who you're gonna connect with and you're gonna instantly get in that chemistry is just gonna be booming because those connections are the ones that are worth it you know what i mean um do do do oh someone said styling winter clothes so i hate winter clothes i'm like i want to be honestly i want to be topless like i just don't have my titties out in the wind i in like underwear ideally in my life i would be barefoot only underwear no top obviously that has never happened for me because of the society we live in i'm just trying to say i hate i hate clothing and i hate layers but unfortunately to surviving winter you have to

wear layers my boyfriend taught me this so one of my big purchases i talk about this if you guys are struggling with winter i made a podcast a while ago just to prep for winter about how to survive or how i'm staying sane this winter definitely refer to that podcast um for like more in-depth tips when it comes to winter but i just purchased long johns for the first time in my life or i guess what some people might call thermal clothing like the waffle knit kind of like warm clothing just like underneath layers that i can wear i got them on amazon pretty cheap great reviews you can get like fleece line tights if you need them you can get like just the waffle knit if you're not looking for something super heavy but it comes in a pair of leggings and a long sleeve t-shirt

and easily if it's like super cold cold out throwing um those tights on under your pants or throwing that t-shirt on under your hoodie makes a world of a difference so like my clothing in the winter is going to look like thermals, pants and top, thick socks, another pair of long pants, probably another t-shirt over that thermal long sleeve, oh my god, probably a hoodie on top of that, and then my favorite thing about winter is the long coats, okay, I love a good short coat, I get it but I like coats that go down to my ankle ankles so then my legs are warm as well and it kind of blocks the wind um I have a really long teddy bear jacket that I wear I have a really long like penny lane coat that I wear a lot um and hats earmuffs if you have them scarves are

really in this winter I have been looking at scarves online trying to find some fun ones um find some fun gloves okay i wear my doc martens all winter because they're super warm i just bought a cheetah print fuzzy hat um if you have like over the ear headphones those are the perfect earmuffs for the winter but yeah that's kind of my go-to when it comes to winter clothing all right someone asked what do you tell yourself to give yourself grace when you don't get everything done in a day um half the time i don't get every single thing done that I want to do in a day and a part of me is okay with that because I know I can just put it onto a different day you're still gonna achieve the task so it doesn't mean you failed

you know what I mean you did the most you could you tried you put effort into it or maybe you needed to focus on yourself and you put effort into that whatever it is you're crossing things off your off your checklist at least okay and that's all that matters or maybe you didn't cross anything off your checklist but you knew you needed a day to yourself and you listened to that and you honored that feeling instead of pushing yourself further and deeper into a hole whatever it is give yourself just a little bit of time to not be stressed out all right the more you think about it and the more you push yourself um kind of like and not push yourself to like achieve things but not giving yourself grace you know what I mean the more stressed out you're going to be

about that activity and for me personally the more I'm probably going to avoid it because I'm also stressed out so I tell myself you know you did all you could you did some things you at least did a task or um you tried and that's all that matters oh someone said can we talk about the part of depression that has a clean room happy appearance and good grades i love this question because depression can be yes messy nasty fucking you are on the floor and there is moss growing over your body like that kind of depression but there also is highly active depression i feel like we need a new a better term what's a good term for this maybe pretty depression we'll call it pretty depression

i had pretty depression in nursing school so i was getting a hundred percent on every fucking test i did i was doing fucking amazing in school okay i was achieving at a level that no one else was achieving at my room spotless impeccable amazing okay my attitude pretty positive when it came to other people but when I was alone and deep down inside myself I was so god damn fucking sad okay sure I was checking off all these things that you know on the surface level are things that you know means you're doing well in life and you can't have depression if you're doing all these things and you should feel good about yourself if you're achieving these things but depression is not a lifestyle one certain thing is not going to fix it um well depression

sometimes becomes a lifestyle but it can show up as so many different ways of how you feel about your life and for me personally i was checking off all these amazing wonderful things in my life that on the surface level people would look at me and be like she must be so happy and she must be so proud of herself. But I was only achieving these things through hating myself and through pushing myself so far down that I had no other option but to succeed, okay? And that is not a healthy way of persevering. I was doing something that I didn't enjoy. I was in a school that I didn't enjoy okay and I was succeeding only by hating myself and only by putting myself down and by almost like accentuating my depression in a sense and it was very much so an internal battle

it was not an external battle where you know it was very apparent to everybody else I kept this shit inside because I also didn't really know what I was dealing with um and it definitely happens okay and I feel like also for a majority of people um depression is not always going to be you know your life is a hot mess I think for most people who face depression they have pretty depression where your life is you know working out things should be going good but internally that feeling is not right because the way you're treating yourself and that relationship you have with yourself is not healthy okay so when it comes to that sort of point I think honestly 10 out of 10 the best thing you can do is seek therapy and work with somebody else to manage

the way you speak to yourself the way you think about things to talk about that inner dialogue to bring that inner dialogue outward and to bring it with it up to a professional who can look at these things and pinpoint where you can you know work on things and make it better but I do think there is like an external depression and an internal depression and one is not worse than the other and no it's not a competition but depression has a funny way of showing up differently in every single person but yes pretty depression is a thing have been there depression shows up in a hundred forms bitch I have had all hundred forms of it safe to say but I do think in that moment of life where I was quote-unquote succeeding um except for the things

that I was dealing with internally the one thing that really really absolutely could have helped me and I don't know why I didn't reach out to this um was therapy and just having an outlet to talk and working with someone to fix that internal dialogue and that internal self-hatred and why am i being so hard on myself and let's bring this up with a professional who knows these habits and knows these ways of thinking and can look you in the eyes and be like hey you're not crazy um maybe we can just talk to ourselves this way um and someone also asked what's a way of you know uh bringing up therapy to your parents and asking for therapy but you know it's not something like life-threatening or like there's not something horrible and awful going wrong you just like

want to try it out I think all you have to do is just be honest with your parents um and I know that's really hard I know it's really hard but just be like hey would love to start therapy there's not anything horrible going on I just think it's a really great tool that people can use now if they're not open to therapy if you have insurance under them you can absolutely find a therapist in your network that you can see and you can go to and they don't have to tell your parents unless you're a threat to yourself of course um or to other people you know I feel Like that's a very standard approach to every single thing that comes with their therapy and psychology.

They will tell you that at the beginning of every appointment, no matter if you're good or bad, you know, feeling good or bad, but you can find a therapist, you can seek therapy and I recommend in-person therapy, but over than like better help. I feel like there's been some things recently about better help not being great. I used it once for a very short amount of time and it was mostly kind of like a life coach kind of thing. like I just need to focus on organizing my life and finding a routine it wasn't like oh my god I'm facing horrible awful depression at this point in time I think if you are and you are seeking a

therapist going in person will make you like actually sit down and face the things that you're that you are thinking about and bring up things also that you maybe weren't thinking about but yeah i think pre-depression is way more prominent than like the soul eating outward my life is in shambles kind of depression and the pretty depression usually comes first before the oh my god my life is in shambles and chaotic because the inside internal hatred and that internal kind of fight and that internal depression comes first and then it seeps outward all right so if you're feeling that if you're like hey my life should be going great why do i feel this way ask for help all right before it spirals out of control very the the best thing you

can do for yourself and the bravest thing i ever did for myself was ask for help you are going to need help in this lifetime you cannot do this alone that is why community is so important that is why your loved ones are so important that's why it's so important to build your family and not like a oh nuclear family if you have toxic parents if you have toxic family that's okay build your own sense of family build your own sense of community all right you cannot go through this lifetime alone you are going to have to ask for help at some point in time me asking my dad for help this morning to yell at the phone about my heat because i haven't had heat for a week like sometimes you're just gonna need someone to step up for you when you cannot step up for

yourself anymore and that is a okay but I love you and if you are facing this absolutely seek help somebody out there wants to help you and wants to see you be your best self including me oh my god did not make it all the way through the podcast had to take a sushi stop and honestly so worth it i haven't had sushi in such a fucking long time and it is so good so good my boyfriend doesn't like sushi so we don't really go and get it that often but like good sushi is oh so good i took a little dab before i had me a little drink i had me some sushi it was a fan fucking tastic and it's so nice to meet up with like an old friend like i have known this girl since since i could comprehend life that's how long i've known her and it's so fun to sit down and like bond over

the two things we very much so bond over not wanting kids and having crazy shitty exes because our exes used to be best friends i don't know how we got roped into that but i was going through a lot of my questions just thinking of something we could end this on thinking of a good way good topic to kind of end this and honestly this I don't know why like occasionally it'll kind of come in waves every two three months where I will just have a week where I'm asking for questions and I am just getting dm after dm after dm of people being like should we break up should we I don't know if this is going well how to know when it's over and all that stuff so you know what after chatting with my bestie at lunch about you know how to go about life having regrets

especially when it comes to men and both of us having dated shitty men all I can really say to all of you who are sitting there asking yourself is it worth it if you are having to sit there and ponder that question more than once a week i do not think you should be together if you are thinking to yourself every single day why am i with this person why am i with this person why am i with this person it's probably not working out because that is a common thought process that me and her had through the entirety of our past relationships okay when it works it works and you will still question it of course we're all humans we're unconscious we're all supposed to be questioning the things that are in our life and whether they're good or bad it's okay to question

all right but if you're questioning it all the time and having doubts arise all the time it is not worth it dare i say your relationship should be let's say like 85 to 90 percent good okay in the a category you know how grades are fucking scaled it should be in the a category that's how you know a relationship is good you know 85 90 100 of the time you guys are vibing having a fantastic time everything is relatively going great and if it's not going perfectly amazing great you're at least comfortable okay now 10 to 15 of that is going to be a little conflict maybe you know one of you guys is not in the mood, you're not in the mood, whatever it may be, you know, emotions are going to ebb and flow. But if you're only happy 50% of the time, okay, a D average, why are you in

a D average relationship? Okay. Or dare I say a C average, a B average, you can kind of work with it you can get it up to an a but it can also drop down to a c um so i think it's just like evaluate your relationship and if you are just in the position where you are not having a good time a majority of the time maybe it's just not working out okay and another thing i wish i would have told young us it's okay for things to not work out sometimes you gotta trust the process you know hope that it'll work out for the best try and have as much fun as you can try to work through what you can but if it's just not working out it is okay to cut ties and to leave it doesn't mean there was a failure it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong it doesn't mean that you're taking

a step back it just means that it's time to take a new life path all right i wish i could have told young us those simple simple life lessons that unfortunately you just learn through action and through practice and through just being in relationships now on the flip side it is very strange when you are in a healthy relationship after being in a toxic one for such a long time she was like this man texts me good morning and good night i was like oh my god it's so shocking when like the bare minimum is like amazing just because you've been treated so horribly in the past so to those who are maybe having some doubts but you're just in a healthy relationship and it feels uncomfortable it's gonna feel uncomfortable at first but you have to

unlearn those traumatic behaviors uh the things that you've been traumatized in the past really evaluate the way you're behaving and the way you're reacting reacting to things and ask yourself is this a result of past trauma and a way i would have behaved maybe in previous relationships when things were not good um or is this just a normal reaction is this a healthy reaction and whatnot because it is crazy what a healthy relationship really brings to the table and you're like oh they should care about me oh my god they should make time for me they shouldn't just like ignore me for days what are you talking about it is crazy when what you put up with when a relationship is bad but it is amazing okay when a relationship is good and if it's not good you

should really seek out a person who is going to make you happy who's going to show up for you and is going to love you absolutely unconditionally okay it is incredible to be in love like that and it's out there it is absolutely anyways it's a wonderful Tuesday out the sun is finally finally peeking out from behind the clouds I'm recording this last bit in my car because I was like I'm kind of in a food coma and I don't really want to walk up the stairs to my boyfriend's apartment yet uh every time I walk upstairs I'm like I'm gonna throw up I should probably work out but I hope you guys have a wonderful Tuesday this has been a fun episode I really love getting together with you guys and there are big things coming for this podcast very very soon i have some

very exciting meetings coming up and just thank you guys for sticking with me and being here with me and supporting me to the fucking end of the earth i guarantee i will support you as well um but i have had a crazy morning chasing around maintenance men at like 7 8 a.m no heat for like six days and i have a ton of fucking emails i need to reply to so i am going to get on with my to-do list for the day maybe take me a little cwd bath bomb at the end of the day kind of you know soak out those winter blues soak out that cold from my bones and i hope you guys find something to occupy your time maybe do something fun with this podcast going on in the background you know break those negative dopamine cycles put this on maybe while you're cleaning your room or

going for a walk or whatever it is if you do so tag me i would love to see you guys um just trying to make the best of your life and taking me along for the ride sometimes you guys will post like you'll tag me and post like someone was like i'm in a park in paris listening to your podcast i'm like oh my god smoke special broad it's so cute people go on like little hot girl walks listening to this or do art and it's so inspiring just to see kind of what you guys do with this and just what you guys are doing in your daily life and i get to accompany you guys on your journey with you and that is so fucking exciting so thank you guys for joining me i hope we've had a good little Tuesday here and it is literally four o'clock so I need to stop talking and I need to upload this

so you guys can listen but I love you all once again if you have any questions always submit them to at Hannah Marlene on Instagram um I have so many winter fits that I need to pull off soon and take some pictures of so if you want to see them they'll be there um CBD if you're trying to take a little tea break you know you need a little break from weed maybe that is your negative dopamine cycle i love cbd especially supplementing with cbd and my favorite favorite favorite most trusted only trusted brand is paz packs you can use code smoke sesh if you would like 10 off your order if you need a little trial um just want to see what it's all about i figured that would help you guys and helps me and the company out as well through the process but love you all hope you're

staying warm if you need a reminder on how to survive this winter oh there's sirens in the background it's not you it's me but if you need a little reminder on how to survive this winter as it is getting a little chilly out it finally snowed for us a few inches um i did release a podcast it's only like 45 minutes but i think it'll be a really great reminder throughout the winter and i'm gonna listen to it a bit myself on just how to stay sane this winter and not go so fucking crazy but love you all I will see you shortly I have Thursday off so there might be a little Thursday podcast we'll see I might grace your presence again but I'm gonna get going and I hope you have a wonderful day see you soon