Smoke Sesh - toxic family, situationships & blacking out

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

Happy Thursday! So happy to be able to sit down and chat it up a lil extra with you all. We have a fun episode catching up on some questions that I didn’t get to get to Tuesday. First we talk snow days and taking it slow, the holidays and toxic family, how to not take it to personally and also communication 101! We talk feeling tired and how to participate in spirituality when you’re exhausted, how to spark creativity and find passion & imagination again after losing it, situationships; what a green flag situationship looks like and a red flag, how to make more of a situationship, alcohol mistakes, embarrassing yourself and blacking out scary stories. We talk boundaries in relationships and having to share your man’s attention, and finally some inspiration that it’s ok to change! And sometimes the hardest decision is the best decision. Hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend and I can’t wait to catch up with everyone on Tuesday! MUAH!

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know, just somebody to look out for them. Some people call me their fairy smoke mother, others their internet big sister, but you can call me Hannah, the host of Smoke Sash. So come hang out, let's light up and talk everything there is to life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing, I've got a story for it all. Hello everybody, how the hell are we all doing? so excited to sit down with you guys on this thursday afternoon i have a little bit of a snow day going on so you know might as well hop on the pod do a little cozy christmas episode

who doesn't love some extra time hanging out come on you know what i mean my boyfriend called out of work this morning it snowed but it only snowed a couple inches i think he was just looking at excuse to uh hang out with me which I'm not gonna complain about love absolutely so we slept in until like 11 which felt really nice it's really fucking hard for me to sleep in especially with my anxiety like as soon as my eyes even slightly peek open even if it's from a dream even if it's at 6 a.m 8 a.m whatever it's like as soon as they open the anxiety sets in and I'm like what the fuck do I need to do what am I not doing what am I missing anyways it was really nice to be able to not experience that and be able to close my eyes and go back asleep reminds me of my teenage years

when I would sleep until like three four five o'clock in the afternoon crazy can't do that anymore um but it was nice and then we woke up I made him drive me to a diner because there's nothing more I love than a like crappy not even crappy like a little rundown old ass checkered floor diner and getting like some really good breakfast and some cheap black coffee like there is no better way to spend the morning in my opinion just hanging out people watching doing whatever and there's this diner that I've never been to but I've been wanting to get to I think it's called City Diner it's in Kansas City in the River Market it was so cute they had all these little vintage pictures of Marilyn Monroe on the wall they had the cutest little regulars coming in

and getting their food like these old men it was so funny um and yeah we just hung out there had some good ass fucking breakfast food had some biscuits and gravy and potatoes and I had an omelet with like green peppers and onions and cheese oh my god not to make you hungry but great way to kind of just like enjoy your time get out of the house you know feed yourself a little bit and also the Christmas vibes in there were strong strong so I kicked my boyfriend out of the apartment so I can hang out with you guys I think he's out doing some last minute Christmas shopping I myself need to do some last minute Christmas shopping I want to get my boyfriend some cute stash jars so that's last on my list of things I need to grab other than that I'm just

hanging out enjoying looking at all the snow outside it's easier to put up with the cold a little bit more when it's like cute winter wonderland you know what I mean when it's just cold and gloomy and like everything's just dark brown it's like okay come on now can i get some snow can i get some cleanliness so i'm just trying to enjoy it soak up my day and have a good time you know what i mean i hope you guys have had a wonderful week i understand christmas is approaching and that is causing a lot of stress a lot of stress for not only myself and my boyfriend but also for all of you who are having to interact with family uh-huh either against your will or because you have to I get it I hear you I understand me and my boyfriend were talking

about that this morning and just like what to expect when it comes to my family because because even though they mean well even if they don't mean well it just comes off so wrong sometimes and you just have to sit there and be like what the fuck in your head you know so I just want to chit chat talk about how the fuck you can get through it without completely losing your mind and flipping the Christmas table or the dinner table at Christmas so let's get into it. I myself definitely, definitely have some toxic family members. My mom and dad, very chill. You know, we get each other. We understand each other. I've disappointed them. They've disappointed me. I've gotten to an adulthood. They've also kind of gotten to a new adulthood. So we like vibe. We

get each other. We understand each other. We can have a good time. Same thing with my brother and my sister-in-law and I have a niece and a nephew they're adorable my niece is going through her stranger danger phase though which is like six months to like a year very normal in babies but like I can't make eye contact with her or else she'll just start screaming so other than that you know vibes with like my immediate family great fantastic wonderful now once you start edging outwards it gets a little more complicated i don't know why it's always the dad side of the family that is just crazy chaotic but there's some there's some shit i have had to deal with first of all used to have an eating disorder i think we all know that i think i've talked about it before

would love to go into some more detail if anybody's struggling with it would like to discuss more about it that's not what i'm getting into right now used to definitely like make my plate with only like a scoop of mashed potatoes and some meat like not the most friendly plate now that i've learned to love myself and not care about food and also i smoke before i eat which is a really good way to kind of like boost your hunger and also enjoy food without having any guilt um i load that shit up because guess what holiday food is some of the best fucking food that there is but my aunt who has a raging eating disorder and has for a majority of her life and likes to claim that she is you know all about mindfulness and all about peace love prosperity i just want the

best for you every time i make myself a plate she will go oh my god i have never seen a plate that big Hannah you're gonna eat all of that and it's gotten to a point where me as a grown adult human understanding the interactions of people especially insecure people people who are facing their own issues in life I have learned and I've learned it the hard way by putting it up up with it for a long time also for beating myself up over it for a long time and actually taking their words to heart that it doesn't fucking matter everything that they say that you don't agree with that is slightly combative that is putting you down that is weird and projective and everybody looks around awkwardly and is like why did they say that it is saying way more about them than it is about you

okay so when people say shit like that to me at family gatherings or they're like well we'll get to some other options but like weird personal shit like that I just have to laugh and be like are you projecting you're projecting that aren't you like I said that to her last time and I'm hoping this time she will understand like me calling her out and hear that and like listen to me laughing at her and the absurdity and she won't bring it up again but if she does bring it up again listen it just says way fucking more about her than it does about me and it's not worth taking it to heart and ruining these the like work I've put in on myself due to one insecure person not believing in themselves and wanting other people to be miserable like them so that's

just a good rule of thumb when it comes to dealing with family members now when it comes to dealing with family members in a I just like am in a awkward stage at life they ask me way too many questions they want me to be like this magical person and have all these crazy things to share and brag about because I feel like a lot of like family meetups and gatherings and things like that are just everybody bragging about in them like bragging about uh themselves for like an hour and a half that's why I have a such a hard time being there because I hate bragging about myself if you are a little uncomfortable in situations like that where it feels like oh my god they just asked me a question and it put a bunch of weight on me and I don't know what to do with that

when it comes to conversating it is just a game of back and forth and it's simply a game of back and forth questioning that's all it is pretend you're each holding a ball they ask you a question they throw the ball to you you ask them a question you throw the ball back to them it is just a game of back and forth and this can be extended into any aspect of life any aspect of just like conversating it really is just a game of back and forth that's why it's not fun sitting with somebody and talking with them if they're not asking questions about you it's like oh my god like I at this point I don't even want to get to know you like why am I asking all these questions about you if this is not a mutual you know back and forth situation so a lot of the time when

they're asking these questions sure it can be weird passive-aggressive but a lot of the times it's them just playing trying to play the conversation game and they're like all right well I haven't spoken to you in a year and a half I really have no fucking clue what you're up to let me throw the ball in your court if they throw a question at you that is uncomfortable you don't know the answer to you don't know how to answer it you're just unsure whatever it is a very simple way to manage through it is to simply throw the ball back in their car in their courts everybody loves talking about themselves and if you don't like talking about yourself it's okay to just like ask questions and interact that way you can make it through a whole fucking conversation without

saying one thing about yourself if you just keep asking those uh the person in front of you questions. What have you been up to? Oh, I saw you went on this vacation. How's this? How is this person doing? Whatever it is, if you just feel uncomfortable with the pressure or whatever that they're putting on you, throw it back in their court. These two tips, A, not taking it personally. Understand that a lot of people are projecting, especially if they haven't done the work to heal themselves. Don't take it personally. Don't feel like they're, it's just like, don't put the pressure on yourself if they're trying to put the pressure on the on you don't let them win and number two if you're uncomfortable with questioning uncomfortable with where to go when it comes to

speaking about yourself you're in that awkward stage of life I get it when I dropped out of college everybody was like oh so how's college and I had to be like lol don't I don't go there anymore but instead of having to say that and explain that and be like yeah no I dropped out to every single person in my family, I'd just be like, oh, you know, well, how are you doing? How are things going? I love this dessert you made. Oh my god, thank you so much for bringing an appetizer. Like, just quickly throw the ball back in their court. It's all a game of catch. Very easy way to defer the pressure that is sometimes put on people at uncomfortable family events. I get it. I've been there. Not great, not fun, but hopefully these two tips

can help you get through it. Also, I'm always extremely high for family events. I just think it makes it go way easier. I smoke, get my plate, eat my food. Thanks, everybody. Love you all. Hugs. And I'm out of there. That's my way to approach it. Hey, Hannah, love the podcast. I actually just subscribed to the Patreon. So you go girl. So as of recording this, this week, it is the new moon in Capricorn. But to be honest, I've been dealing with some mental health issues and I've been finding doing rituals or manifesting or celebrating these moons and other spiritual events very emotionally laborious. So my question is, how can we take care of our spirituality and celebrate, um, the different moon phases and whatnot without feeling

that intense emotional way down. What are some small things I can do? Thank you so much. Love you. Love this question. Um, I would like to emphasize that rule number one of spirituality, I think is taking care of yourself, um, and understanding that you are just as important, if not more important than all the little rituals or manifestations or tiny little things that people do um in order to celebrate some full moons new moons whatever it is i am just like over it done i've been having a fucking horrible time like just going through it and sometimes i just celebrate and understand that maybe this new moon full moon whatever cycle that i happen to be in is a little bit more intense for me and that's okay and I need to focus on myself and

sometimes celebrating for me looks like crying on my bathroom floor and then just allowing myself to crawl into bed with my makeup still on and pass out and know that tomorrow morning I'll probably feel better but I need to take care of myself my body my mental well-being first and then I'll go shower in the morning you know what I mean I don't think that you not participating affects you negatively. Does that make sense? I think it just, of course, enhances it. But what enhances it the most is just understanding what you're feeling, when you're feeling, and what you're going through. So listening to your body, hearing what it's saying. If you're in the mood for manifestation, you are feeling a little manic, you're feeling a little high,

whatever it is go for it push all that energy into that thing oh you want to do a ritual awesome if you got the energy for it push it into that on my patreon i mentioned like four different rituals that you can do for the capricorn new moon um and one of them was simply just like taking a bath like if you need to focus on yourself relax your muscles relax your body a bath is so simple and easy to do just throw some fucking body wash in there with some hot water. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. I talked about rose petals and crystals and all that. That's if you've got the energy and the time to do so. But if you've got only the energy to strip down and run hot water, valid. Any sort of way that you are honoring yourself, listening to

yourself, and hearing what your body and your spirit is trying to tell you, that is spirituality. That is true connection. When you run away from it or you're not listening to it or you're pushing yourself in different directions that you know don't feel comfortable they're not just out of your comfort zone they're like against who you are in your gut that's not spiritual that's not behaving in a spiritual matter when I talk about spirituality doesn't have to be only rituals and you being in coven circles every weekend and you having all these amazing crystals and fancy incenses and whatever it is spirituality is simply hearing where you are understanding how you're feeling and listening to it and honoring it that's true spirituality and that's what spirituality

means to me of course the moon's involved the sun's involved astrology's involved the earth the sun water all so many different aspects and things that you can incorporate into it if you're feeling the energy to do so, if you're feeling the intuition to do so. But if you just need a moment to focus on yourself, that's key. So take a hot bath. Allow yourself to go to sleep early. Maybe order that favorite food you've been thinking about all week, but you haven't had time to do so. It doesn't have to be complicated. It really is just listening, asking yourself how I'm feeling at this time, and maneuvering based on that. So I love you. I hope you guys aren't feeling too much pressure to uh push yourself super hard of course it is an opportunity to you know go out

listen to yourself discover more about yourself through which rituals um meeting covens doing whatever but also if you just need a moment to chill and just like vibe just like feel yourself that's way more important than anything else is someone asked and this might be more art creativity based but love it um they asked would love to hear a little convo on reinvigorating an under active imagination love i feel like whenever you're stuck in a rut it used to be very creative very imaginative you felt like you interacted more with the world and it interacted back with you um where was i going with this sorry i just looked out my window and saw my neighbor and i got very distracted. Anyways, I feel like when you feel like you are moving away from that, or you've

lost your creativity in some sort of way, or you feel distant from it, it really means that you are probably consuming way too much dumb content. And it's very easy to do so. Very easy to do so, okay? It's way easier for you to go on Instagram and just scroll and scroll and look at this picture and look at this picture and oh well I could never do it this way or oh well I could never do it this way or I'm not even gonna try because my stuff's not gonna look come out like that or you know you sometimes do find inspiration but you see the inspiration you like the way it's done and you don't want to do anything with it. I feel like when you consume too much content that's simplified and also way too much that's done in this time period right now right now like

they just posted it three days ago and that's all you're consuming it's really hard for you to think outside of the box um and that's something that I have seen myself having trouble with yes of course like social media can be a place of inspiration it can be a place where you find a creative outlet or you get inspired but I I think that happens when it's also conjunct with you consuming content that is also invigorating and um something that you would not see in this date and time right now so when I find myself in a creative rut or I'm lacking my imagination bookstore bookstore is the first place I go or a museum I prefer older bookstores not just like Barnes and Noble um older bookstores uh half price books also have some very interesting books that you would not

run into on a daily basis art books are my go-to poetry books are my go-to things with pictures in it that i can flip through find images that i wouldn't see from this date and time images that like instagram uh models aren't posting you know what i mean find inspiration from times before you see where it took people even like cooking say cooking is your creative outlet and you felt like you're in a rut because you can't make all these fancy new brand new things then work backwards okay work backwards in time go find physical copies force yourself out of the house to find creativity and inspiration I also love the art museum whenever I'm feeling down whenever I'm feeling like oh I just don't know what to do I feel like I can't create I'll immediately just

put myself in the art museum for force myself to wander around by the time I leave after like three hours because you get in there and you get stuck um you will have found inspiration you will have found something that brings a new thought to your mind that brings a new creative outlet a new idea a new perspective whatever it is but whenever I am feeling like hmm I just like I'm not on the right track I'm not connecting with the world I am lacking creativity I'm lacking imagination first two places I go or like the library love the library literally so many places um that give you the possibility of looking at books reading books finding inspiration for free uh if I find a book that's particularly interesting and it's cheap or like the library is a great option

then I'll check it out if you are in school your campus library is a great option I guarantee there's at least one unless you go to art school um arts major so they're gonna have an arts section they're gonna have books on it say you find creativity and inspiration science there's gonna be a science section for you cooking there's gonna be a cooking section for you but my two favorite places to find any of that to reinvigorate myself is to put my phone down to get outside and to look outwards if I can't find it at the bookstore if I can't find it at the library if I can't find it at the art museum then I can find it in nature right now nature is not a very big go-to simply because everything's dead I shouldn't push it off as I can't find it because I definitely can find

beauty and inspiration in nature no matter the season we're in but I understand how it's more readily available in the summer and the spring when there's leaves or in this green when it's sunny out so if you can't find it in nature then go to the bookstore if you can't find it in the bookstore than go to the museum top three places though I was like what question am I gonna answer next I know exactly what I'm gonna answer next we're gonna talk about situationships because I've been getting so many dms recently about situationships I don't know why now like more than ever I'm not sure what you girlies are going through but maybe I can help you out a little bit because I've been in one and it flourished into a relationship so let me tell you the goods the

bads and negatives the red flags the green flags that you need to look for um i got like at least 10 dms to my main account that were just like paragraphs long of what you have been through with your situationship and don't worry i'm not that i'm not pushing it off i do read those i do try and gain information from everybody's perspective to see like what's going on where you guys are finding yourself most commonly how these men are treating you and i feel like it is there's really two options here um you're in a situation ship you both are maybe a little bit a little bit emotionally unavailable you're unsure if you want to commit right away but you're willing to work it out and figure it out and work together and by doing so you are

incorporating each other slowly but surely further and further into each other's lives mutually. Okay, now there's option number two. One of you is very interested. The other one is running away or is only showing interest in a certain type of way. They're only hitting you up at night. They are not hanging out with you during the day. It's usually only for sex. You're getting confused because you are having sex and developing a bond as you naturally do, but the bond isn't moving outside of the bedroom and into a more interpersonal relationship you want to involve them in their life in your life but they seem standoffish and you want to be involved in their life but they have no interest of doing so these are the two ways that i see these situationships

going the first way the mutually interested and understanding and working together to work forward even if there's a little bit of confusion here and there that is a situationship that i can see healthily and naturally blossoming into a good relationship the second option where it feels like one is pining after the other while the other only wants one thing is not mentally mature enough to admit that yeah you have enough you have feelings for me but i don't have feelings for you they just want to keep stringing you along in order to get what they want whatever that is um and they're not putting any effort into the relationship but you want to you are you're trying to get this person that is not going to become anything healthy um there's no way you're going to trap

that person change that person convince that person to like you nor should you feel the interest in trying to convince a person to like you okay so if you find yourself in one of those either the green the green flag relationship situation ship or the red flag one if you're the green flag relationship you know a little bit standoffish you can see each other working together like he's actually introducing you to friends he's actually introducing you to family or he's like yeah I told my mom about you or I told my grandma about you or my grandma says hi or uh we should go to this place next week or I really want to hang out with you here or you should come over tomorrow or um it doesn't matter if you're sure or unsure about the relationship it's you you guys

are committed to discovering each other together okay that's gonna work out that's it's gonna happen okay naturally the feelings are gonna build everybody needs time to develop a friendship in order to for it to blossom into a relationship i think that's perfectly fine normal and healthy even if you don't know what you want yet i think it's important to communicate that and say i'm still a little unsure either i'm hurt i've been hurt i'm a little nervous uh but i do want to keep being with you figuring it out together I think that's really important really amazing and I think it'll blossom into a good relationship when me and my boyfriend first met we were both very unsure about each other like long term but we were sure that we wanted to keep hanging out together in

whatever form that happened to be he'd come over I'd go over there I'd be like oh I told you about my parents oh I told you about my parents oh well this is my brother nice to meet you let's go on vacation together like even though we weren't quote-unquote dating for the first like eight nine months we were very interested in each other and we were very much so committed to discovering what kind of relationship we wanted to build together and I think that's normal and that's fine and it's natural to take time especially within a relationship to figure out if it's gonna work if it if you guys can work together um before diving in headfirst i think that's absolutely normal wonderful amazing you know you have to discover who you are

and where the relationship stands i do think it's important to discuss just like exclusivity especially for just like sexual health reasons and also so nobody's feelings get hurt but if you find yourself in a relationship whatever I don't even know if I would call this a relationship but if you find yourself in a situation ship where you're waiting for that text at 2 a.m to come over all day they don't even talk to you during the day they maybe will snapchat you here and there but it's no fun conversation it's just like a picture of their face or their fucking forehead they only ask you to come over at night or it's like the same time every time it's only to go over to each other's houses you're not like doing anything out in

public nor are they asking you to do anything out in public um it's just that's a red flag major major red flag especially if you are like hey you we should go do something else and they're like no no i think a lot of men use women for sex a lot of them and you got to be honest with yourself and understand who those men truly are in that moment and understand that you can't change them nor should you want to change them or change yourself in order for them to like you you cannot sleep with a man to make him like you that's not how it works um if they're interested in you they should be ultimately completely and utterly interested in you and want to uplift you and make you feel special and work together and get to know you like but if you find yourself in the

red flag situation ship save yourself save your energy save your time save your just like just yourself from all that negativity okay you're confused rightfully so I'm sure they're not communicating their feelings or how they feel about you because they know you'll either a leave or b they're gonna upset you because they know that they just want to hang out for sex or they just want you over every once in a while they don't actually want to build a relationship with you um and they're also probably not emotionally mature enough for a relationship so it's not worth trying to change yourself it's not worth trying to make somebody like you if it's going like that i would say just fucking run for the hills okay but i do understand where relationships are

confusing and when they do get confusing i urge you to just communicate ask okay where who are we what are we doing what do you want from me if a man's gonna run away from you if you ask hey do you like me then he's not the one okay if if you ask a man like hey what do you want from this what are you looking for do you just want sex and they like don't answer or they're like feel pushed off by that then that's a red flag in itself when communicating and asking questions and trying to understand things that is normal and natural and you shouldn't sit with this uncomfortability and unsureness if you guys are going to build a relationship together from good or bad you should be able to communicate and have your answers met okay naturally and maturely

there's no question you can ask to really make a man fucking run away he's going to tell you how he feels or you know what he might run away but still red flag in itself let him run let him disappear off into the hills you deserve better okay but really there was like two types and one of them both of them lots of anxiety filled one of them i was like okay i can see this working out if you guys just communicated a little bit more like ask for what you want okay tell that man what you want if he's not interested he'll let you know you'll have your answer sure it'll hurt but any answer is better than no answer okay and the other type I was just like oh babes you deserve so much more you deserve somebody who's going to work for you work towards you want to

uplift you want to help you so if you find yourself in either situation act maturely feel free to ask questions um I really think asking questions and communicating is the biggest way to kind of find out where people stand and a lot of people stay in these situationships out of fear and anxiety and not wanting to truly know where it's going because it's better to kind of imagine and pretend that something amazing is going to happen than it is to have your heart broken i get it but like wouldn't you rather have your heart broken at three months rather than three years later you know ask them how they feel stop getting strung along you know you deserve nothing but the fucking best also there were situation questions or situationship questions where it's like i was

in a situationship and i can't fucking stop thinking about that whether it fell out whether you decided that it wasn't going to work out and you left i just can't stop thinking about them thinking about them it's because there was possibility and amazing situations and scenarios that you came up with in your head but straight up those only exist in your head okay you have to stop creating these fantasy worlds with these men that will never come true putting yourself for high standards or them with high standards either way if it's not gonna work out and they told you that you figured it out yourself you have to listen to that and live in reality i feel like it's really fun to daydream and pretend and think about oh well he might have done this or he could

have done this or we could have been this the answer is it's not that at least not right now maybe in the future holy shit that'd be wild but right now it's not and you have to act in reality and do what's best for you in reality right now so let that man go do a little cord cutting ceremonies light something on fire you know really just release go write his name spray paint his name on a bunch of plates and shatter them um like anything to just kind of feel like you're releasing them and letting go is super cathartic very fun okay so i really encourage you to participate in that when me and my brother were little we like didn't really know how to bond because he's like 10 years older than me so he would take me to the local um like swap and meat

shop whatever they're called auction store oh my god and he would just buy the cheapest box of just like random glass jars and items for like 25 cents bidding wise and then we would go down to the river just throw them in very cathartic also like not like a river river more like a just a rocky bank that we know nobody was around or near listen weird bonding style but very very cathartic especially after a long day just being able to smash a break release let go you have to allow yourself to let go okay love you all love all my situationship baddies i understand it's confusing it's nerve-wracking especially if you have an anxious attachment style but it's not gonna hurt just simply asking like hey what do you want for the future why were you seeking me out um what are

you wanting right now where are you planning for your future if you don't ask directly like hey where do you see yourself in three years um and if it's not with you maybe it's time to move on babe okay i promise there's somebody out there who truly wants you and will fight for you hey henna first of all love you in the pod um so i have a little story time and a question so on halloween weekend i went to a party and i got super drunk and my boyfriend drove us home and on the way home i had a puke so bad and we were like down the street from my apartment but i was like no i'm gonna puke right now so i had him pull over and then i just like proceeded to puke all up in my car all over the seat the carpeting the door basically anything in my like

near distance I puked on it um so basically I've been scarred for life and I have not been able to like drink since then so I guess I was just wondering if you had any stories to share about alcohol that I've scarred you for life love you bye oh babes if anybody has embarrassed their self through drinking it's me like so many goddamn times do not worry I was listening that story and I'm like oh been there three four five six seven maybe ten times like it's an issue which is why I'm like a weed over alcohol kind of girly because here's the thing worst thing that's gonna happen with weed is I'm gonna eat a bad edible and I'm gonna go into a spiral of anxiety for like two three hours but like i'm ultimately just sitting on the couch and living in my imagination

and in my head like nothing outwardly horrible awful happens because i also like can't leave the couch nor can i communicate to say anything bad so i'm just like sitting there spiraling which is like manageable can handle but when i drink or when most people honestly drink and they enter the blackout zone like the bad area it's like shit hits the fan that's when people are like fighting each other and like breaking shit and throwing up everywhere and ruining relationships that's what happens when they're like blackout fucking drunk um and a lot of these people they will wake up the next day and be like that was so out of character and you're right it probably was but you were blacked out and you don't know what the fuck you did and it's scary

and terrifying which is why when i drink i really am trying i try and be cautious about it but listen, it's fun to be able to go out and have a ball and, you know, lose it a little bit. Maybe not blackout is never really the goal. Um, but you want to be able to go drink, have fun and not really worry. I get it. I've been there. Literally last time I went out drinking with my boyfriend, I had like oh my god not probably like nine mixed drinks a beer a bong rip a joint a lot of things all in one and I can usually hold my shit but as soon as I am just like over the edge it's like okay I'm over the edge and I start spinning and spiraling and I can't focus my eyes and when I hit that peak I'm like I'm in the blackout zone if I keep drinking from here it's gonna be just

bad but what I probably need to do is go throw up throwing up is my worst issue the older I've gotten the more I needed to throw up when I was younger I was chill I could handle it but the older I've gotten I'm just like get it out of my system get it out of my body so I we had eaten I had eaten a whole chicken quesadilla just like fucking munching down we sit down on his friend's floor to watch like skate videos and they were just chatting and we were smoking and I was sitting in my boyfriend's lap but you were sitting fucking two inches from the tv so i'm watching the tv but also it's at this horrible angle and my head's spinning and i was just like you're gonna have to excuse me for a second where's the bathroom i gotta pee and i go upstairs and i immediately

hit the sink and the fan and the shower and just like projectile vomit into the toilet i was like okay i handled myself i got myself upstairs i turned on some water so they wouldn't hear me I threw up I'm good I'm good my boyfriend came up gave me some water we I wiped my mouth off he's like we're good we gotta go we're just exhausted bye and we left and I thought I was good from there I got in the car I fell asleep amazing wonderful I've told this story before but got in the car fell asleep as soon as like I was asleep the whole fucking ride as soon as we're approaching the apartments that he lives in like maybe a block away I just get this urge to throw up and I had just woken up out of a deep deep dark slumber and I knew I needed to throw up so I

started like like hitting the side of the door like trying to signal like roll the fucking window down or stop the car and he was looked over me goes what like what are you doing and before I could get the window all the way down it was like halfway down I just throw up so as I'm turning my head I'm like throwing up inside the car on myself as well as outside the car but mostly like on the side of the car and I was just like oh my god I'm I was so embarrassed so so fucking embarrassed and I was like you know what I'm not gonna hate on myself it's not worth hating on myself I couldn't handle it it's fine it got out of my system it's whatever I didn't really like do anything crazy other than throw up so I just like went to bed woke up in the morning took his car

to the car wash got it cleaned took some Clorox wipes outside wiped it off and was like just we're not gonna talk about this again and I'm gonna learn from it and hopefully not drink as much um there's also another time where I don't know if I was roofied or whatever but I've never blacked out this hard before in my entire life so it's this rave and I think I might I think I possibly might have been roofied I don't know I definitely drank a lot that night but this girl was drinking a cup and she's like I don't want the rest of this and I was like well I'll take it and that was after like seven eight nine drinks maybe some molly very unsure once again every story I tell is not a recommendation it's more of a warning um but I'm like drinking and having a great time

with my friends dancing laughing I just I have videos of me like dancing and giggling and putting my phone on stage and dancing and laughing but the memory stopped way before that okay like I I blacked out before that concert was over um I reawoke in another bar with friends and I was just kind of leaning on the wall and I was like I gotta go I gotta go home I managed to communicate that and then I just like blacked out again and I woke up the next morning and I was like oh what's that smell what's going on and I look down and like my hair is crunchy and dried and I'm like fuck did I throw up in the bed I look around I'm like no I didn't throw up in the bed i sit up i'm wearing like a random sweatshirt no underwear one sock no pants in my friend's bed

like oh my god what's happening my friend had gone to fucking work and taken all my shit in their car to their job um and so i had to call them and be like hey i don't my car keys or my pants why are my pants in your fucking car she's like I don't know you just started taking them off because there's like throw up on them or something I had thrown up in her bathroom her mom had to hold my hair um and then put myself to bed and I woke up the next morning and was just like what had happened oh my god that was a scary night because once again I was like I don't know if I got roofied I know nothing like bad happens to me because I was with friends um but I definitely woke up that morning like what the fuck and listen you alcohol is like a dangerous game to play you have to have

at least one of those nights or like see them firsthand from somebody to be like okay like you can have way more fun off of two drinks than you can off of like a million there's no reason you need to go out and binge drink trust me I've done a lot of that okay it never gets funner after three drinks it never gets like more fun you just get more chaotic um and you can't handle yourself as much so like three drinks two drinks one shot couple drinks couple beers that's all you really need and the best ways to end the nights are just like understanding when you gotta go home when you've had too much and just letting yourself do so letting yourself to leave letting yourself go home okay it's when you wake up the next morning and you're like what the fuck just happened that

you're like god i'm never drinking again which is a valid feeling i get it but like every person who has drank who drinks alcohol has embarrassed them itself bears themselves at some point and i think that's why people are honestly super understanding because they're like you're just not in your right mind which is totally fine but yeah definitely thrown up a lot of places a lot of places one time I thought I had to call the literally like I they just keep coming to me in high school me and my friends drank a lot on the weekends and like even if it wasn't my basement like hanging out and one night we had like had sushi and pizza and then we were drinking the the go-to drink back in high school was like uh the blue oh fuck what's it

called like the blue svedka the blue raspberry whatever bullshit oh my god so we were drinking that and like clear just straight russian vodka that i was taking from my mom and filling up with water because i'm dumb um and we were just drinking and drinking and having a good time and we all went to bed we're like 16 we all went to bed and i wake up and i hear like choking and I look over and my friend is laying on her back throwing up into her face like straight up uh what's that show breaking bad shit like that is happening and she's so blacked out that I had to get down roll her over wake up my friend be like oh my god should we call the ambulance what should we do like I was terrified because like this bitch was throwing up on her face like she's

laying on her back throwing up in the air and it was for a friend so me uh my other friend were like helping the one friend on the ground and my other friend just like wakes up and goes I'm cold can somebody get me another blanket and we're like bitch do you not see your friend laying on the floor dying right now like oh and she's lucky her parents were out of town that weekend because she went home and just like slept for three days she's like I'm pretty sure I have alcohol poisoning but she's throwing a blue throw up my parents had just got brand new white carpet like they had just carpeted the basement so there was there's like perpetually a blue stain in the basement just like could not get it out I tried my hardest I really did and shout out to my parents

for not asking any questions they definitely yelled at my brother when they found out he drank in high school they just kind of gave up with me which like I get I understand I wasn't doing anything really crazy but definitely scary moment alcohol scary that's why I stick to weed i would rather just be a little anxious for a little bit than like dead oh but yeah definitely embarrassed myself one too many times hey hannah so i'm kind of having i just need some advice so me and my boyfriend of two and a half years broke up got back together three months later and we've been dating for a month now and things have been going so great but when we were broken up he had some stuff going on with this one girl and i mean i had stuff going on with other people

too but she kind of got in the picture a week into us dating because she wasn't over it over him and she tried to kind of dm me and one-up me and all this stuff and my problem is is I'm not really over this situation because I'm a very jealous girl and I don't know how to stop living in jealousy and anger about this girl and my boyfriend's very patient and understanding with me and he knows how i am and his um understanding but i am just tired of being like thinking about her and just obsessing over this whole situation that he doesn't even care about anymore but anyways i love you thank you so i feel like obsession when it comes from x situationships x relationships whatever it whatever it is um is usually due to them reoccurringly showing up within your relationship

so her reaching out to you and saying something or her even like showing up on his snapchat log or her text showing up on his phone whatever it is if she's reoccurring in your relationship she's gonna be always always always on your fucking mind and always a stressor in my past relationship it literally felt like i shared this man with another girl for like the first six seven eight nine months um and i was so fucking anxious about it all the time like oh my god is she gonna reach out to him oh my god is she gonna show up at his fucking house um after i heard her be like yeah i'm gonna go suck his dick i was like what the fuck and it's like you hear those things as a girlfriend and understand that boundaries should be in place but

then men don't enact those boundaries and it feels like you are being um put aside for another girl which is never ever ever a good feeling um in a relationship and on par with it's not cheating but it is like you're breaking the trust me and you know you guys have had a past you guys have done stuff you've either been together emotionally or physically she keeps showing up and you keep allowing her to you know what makes me upset you don't really give a fuck you continue it that is you simply not giving a fuck about me and my boundaries now if you're trying to be the chill cool girlfriend but you keep having this anxiety literally what only worked for me and i don't even care if i was being a crazy bitch in this situation but i was like

cut that bitch off okay block her on everything every single thing if they really care about you they will go with it they will do so and if that's quote unquote against their relationship they don't they don't care about it like that like come on just another person then cool maybe you don't care about this relationship enough then but block them i don't think there's any reason that like people in your relationship should be talking to exes outside of it you need to block them so then she can't weirdly and oddly slide into your dms and say anything if you happen to you know go to school together or whatever it is i get that you can't avoid physical um interactions stuff like that try and keep it chill but if it's simply only happening over social

media over the phone just be like i need you to block her she is living in my head rent free that is not a fun feeling i hate feeling it can you please just let go of them i have done so in your favor with the people i was interested in the past i got rid of all of them i blocked them i if they're like still hitting you up or whatever like i got i i cleared my roster whatever it is you know i you said you were interested with people while you guys were um taking a break so is he that's fine that's understandable but yes there shouldn't be a reoccurring issue within your relationship and if somebody is i think it's totally fine to set boundaries and be like i simply don't want you to interact with that person anymore especially if they are now attempting to

hurt our relationship this girl that i was basically sharing my boyfriend with a while ago or my ex not currently that would not fucking slide um she invited him i was away at college three hours away he was in my hometown she was also two hours away she invited him over for a weekend sleepover and he literally came to me and was like hey yeah i think i'm gonna go to uh k state with her uh just to go hang out and stay at her house and i was like are you fucking stupid like are you that fucking dumb you don't think she's gonna get you over there and then want to fuck you I know you guys drink I know she's a heavy drinker she also has been trying to fight me for you this entire time that is not okay that's not gonna fucking slide and that was the

breaking point of me setting a boundary and being like fuck you why would you put me in this situation why would you like pit me against another girl that I know is trying to go after you and also you know that and you don't care and you laugh it off not okay you're breaking my boundaries you're breaking my trust you're putting this relationship aside for another bitch i don't have time for that and i also don't care how crazy that sounds if that's what's needed for my peace of mind is simply you not acting or interacting with another girl that you know has negative intentions towards me very simple so fucking simple like a very simple request okay um so yeah i would just be like hey we're gonna need to set some boundaries here we got to get

rid of this girl like i hate to be like that but she cannot keep randomly popping up and causing you stress you know and the more boundaries you set the more kind of ways that you work together to make sure she doesn't keep popping up you'll forget about her you forget it ever happened you will stop having those random anxieties throughout the day because you know the chances of her showing up in your relationship interacting with you interacting with him is simply not going to happen um and that's your peace of mind and that's your way when that anxiety pops up to tell yourself hey we're chill we're good this relationship's on course but if you don't feel that reassurance and you don't feel that protection and that um interaction from your boyfriend then yeah that

constant anxiety is going to be there like oh my god is she texting him right now oh my god is she thinking about him right now oh my god is she reaching out are they contacted you know not worth the stress not at all whatsoever especially if you guys are trying to rework out your relationship i get it but there doesn't need to be extra stressors there involved when you're already trying to refocus on each other you know hi hannah um my name's ella i've been listening to this podcast since like the very beginning and i love you and i love it and like it's just gotten me through so many tough times and um i'm just calling in to like just check in and like recent like life update i changed my major basically and i was like pretty unhappy for

with it for like a while and kind of like not listening to myself and just continuing. And I really got like depressed because of it like this past semester. So I finally decided to listen to my gut and like switch. And I'm really happy now because of it. And like just excited again about like just my education and whatnot. So I just want to say to all you girlies, like if you're doubting yourself, like listen to yourself and like make the change if you're happy so a reminder and I feel like you helped me really like trust myself with this decision so thank you love you bye hello cutie and thank you um that is honestly the biggest compliment because listen I've been through it I've been through the stress if the one thing I can do is help

relieve stress off of you guys and admit when I fucked up or when I made a mistake or wasn't listening to myself and what i did in order to make my life better and it helps you and inspires you that is literally all all i could fucking ever ask for life is hard life is really confusing um and there is not a lot of time i know we have a hundred years there's not a lot of time for on this earth for us to sit with uncomfortability and anxiety knowing that we are not doing what is truly meant for us what is truly calling to us what is truly making us happy whether it's making other people happy or it is fulfilling in some sort of way but just not fulfilling quite enough you have to listen to that gut instinct and what your gut's telling you and where it's trying to

push you it's okay to change majors okay i changed my major i was so fucking miserable um doing nursing school and i changed to art which i knew which is what which i knew which is what i want to do um I was like on the way to like my first ever day of college and I was like I think I made a mistake and my dad's like what you got to stick it out and I tried I really did and I understand trying to work through the uncomfortability because it does get better sometimes but when it's not getting better and it's not getting better and oh god it might be getting worse sometimes you got to switch it up sometimes you got to listen to your gut and I'm so proud of you for doing so and I really hope your next major just brings so much light and peace and joy

and excitement for life into your existence because that's what mine did art really brought so much passion and peace and understanding towards me and simply choosing the hard thing is going to be difficult of course it's difficult to switch things up to go down a different path to try something new to put yourself out there and be a little bit vulnerable it's scary um because a lot of it is you just doubting yourself and having anxieties but i guarantee if you are following the way of your gut you're really choosing what is honestly like honest to god best for you and going based off of that there's really no way you can fail because ultimately at the end of the day you're gonna be happier and through happiness we find prosperity and peace

and understanding um so i'm proud of you and i feel like this is a really great way to kind of end the podcast with some inspiration if you're feeling stagnant if you're feeling confused if you're feeling unsure about yourself look around you ask yourself where that's coming from um what can you do personally is there any hard choices that you're kind of avoiding i get it it's hard it brings anxiety it's really difficult to switch things up but you will ultimately be better for it and you'll feel so much happier simply listening to yourself building trust through that and also changing your environment maybe or the environment of your brain whatever it happens to be whatever change you're making um ultimately if you know what it's right for you if you have been thinking

this thing for a while you tried to persevere and it's just not working you'll be so much happier simply making the hard decision your future self is going to thank you because life gets a little easier if you approach hard decisions peacefully confidently and understanding that we all make mistakes sometimes and sometimes you just gotta pick wherever your heart and your gut is telling you to go but I love you all this was so fun I love this little extra episode um some catching up to do next week normal one podcast it'll be the end of the year kind of podcast just a little fun recap sit down chit chat and then the beginning of the year there's a new way that I want to approach things so we're gonna do an hour episode on um Tuesdays and then a little

30 minute to hour episode on Thursdays to just kind of catch up chit chat maybe do one topic there's a few topics that you guys sent me on Instagram that you guys wanted to deep dive into so that would be fun on Thursdays maybe I'll do little like podcast vlogs whatever it is we have so much fun coming this new year and I'm so excited for where this podcast is gonna take us and honestly where you guys are gonna take yourself I love little updates you send me I love that this has just become like reddit but like for girls like when I go to reddit it's only when I have questions I'm always like typing in my question to google ending it with reddit finding a reddit thread trying to figure out my questions but they're never really fully answered and i'm

always unsure so i love that this place has become a safe space for just people who don't know what to do because i honestly i also don't know what to do and i get that feeling and i understand that and i wanted to create a safe space for people who are going through it need a little extra help need a little extra push some positivity some peace whatever it may be i hope i can provide it for you but i love you all happy holidays hopefully your family doesn't stress you out too much i hope you have a lot of fun eat all the good food open some presents there's nothing better than it you know you got to really embrace the positivity of the holidays and don't let weird negative people get to you you know what i mean but i love you and i will see you all

so very soon next tuesday