Smoke Sesh - why do I love toxic men? crashing out & victim complex

Episode Date: September 3, 2024

hello hotties and happy Tuesday! welcome back to another amazing episode of the podcast, as you listen ill be on an airplane on my way to Austin Texas, but wanted to start your week off strong with a great episode. We chat about mood swings, periods, free bleeding and being a woman, we also talk drug testing & opinions, getting even in a situationship, crashing out and how to truly stay sane, choosing peace and when to unleash your inner crazy, how to heal from a guilty mindset and victim complex, competition in friendships with women, cheap college eats, framing your dream self and stepping into her shoes, choosing hope over fear, losing the spark and mental health medication, why do I love toxic men? and why women find themselves in loveless relationships + breaking free, end of summer activities, how to choose healthy food and finding balance in unhealthy indulgences, last but not least we talk the limerence phase and how to truly achieve your dream future by appreciating and giving gratuity for the now! hope you all enjoy the episode and if you want to see what im up to on my trip follow me on instagram @hannahmarlene and join the patreon for exclusive episodes where I answer every question and more! all the love! see you next Tuesday, MUAH!

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know, just somebody to look out for them. Some people call me their fairy smoke mother, others their internet big sister, but you can call me Hannah, the host of Smoke Sesh, so come hang out, let's light up and talk everything there is to life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing, I've got a story for it all. Hello hotties and welcome back to another episode of Smoke Sesh. My name is Hannah, your host, and I am, you know what, pretty excited to be here. I have a big week coming up.

It's going to be so much fun, but also not going to lie if I say I haven't been going through a lot. You know when the overwhelming urge to just like die suddenly takes over and you're like, do I need to check myself in or do I need to give myself a week? usually actually 90 of the time i feel that way right before my period but my brain does this silly little thing oh i love being a woman i love being a woman my brain does this silly little thing where it's like no no like you're actually mentally ill like no you're actually going through a lot the world hates you you're suffering and then two days later my period comes and i'm like

oh everything is making sense right now so i spent the weekend at work you know the usual crying in the walk-in listen if you've ever been a server you know the quintessential server experience of just getting overwhelmed and walking into a cold ass fucking fridge and just sobbing and then the tears like dripping down your face and like kind of crystallizing and freezing on your face but it feels so good because you're just so overwhelmed that was me this week and it sucks because i'm like i don't know why i feel this way like everything's good i mean in reality in reality if we want to be there or whatever everything's good like i have a job i'm paying rent i'm eating food i'm chilling like no physical ailments thank you god thank you whoever like

we are having technically like on paper an okay time but mentally mentally she is locked in the like word right now mentally she is in a straight jacket um and that's super fun oh how i love being a woman oh how i love pms so that's what i've been dealing with just the overwhelming urge of wanting to do nothing and everything all in once wanting to sob and cry and laugh and scream all at one time it is just such a silly little feeling so anyways i'm spending today today's my last day that I'm kind of prepping hanging out with you guys doing whatever before I get on a plane tomorrow as you're listening to this actually I'll be on a plane flying to Austin Texas I'm going to visit my bestie my bestie from um college so funny we actually met because we were going to nursing

school together and it was at a catholic college and listen I was a little crazy I was a little crazy okay high school me I was like rolling herbal teas in bible leaflets and smoking them down at the local lake like I was ripping off all my nails cutting bangs at home like quintessential indie sleaze tumblr brain rotted teenager do you know what I mean I hate everybody that kind of vibe then I went to catholic school and I was like oh we gotta change that real fucking quick or else you're just not gonna fit in here you know what I mean so I was a little quiet at first and then I met her and the first thing we talked about actually was faking our drug tests to get into college not her just me because I was like we started talking about weed and stuff and I was

like oh my god can are people even smoking weed here like let's be real catholic school do people even do drugs they could barely drink best believe they're not having sex like are they doing anything fun at all and she was immediately my best friend after I was like yeah I had to fake my drug test she's like girl i think i love you and we got in various forms of trouble such as her smoking out the entire eighth floor of our dorm room last time i hung out with her i actually went to go visit her i got so incredibly drunk at a hotel pool that i fell asleep at 5 p.m no bikini bottoms on just bikini top in the hotel bed with a robe wrapped around my head i fell asleep like 5 p.m my poor boyfriend's sitting here at home like, well, I hope she's alive. I like rise up out of

bed. So fucking dehydrated. Where am I? What's going on? Why is it dark out? Oh my God. It was insane. It was also for her birthday. So of course you're going to go a little crazy this weekend. I think the vibes are rest, relaxation, healing. We're going to go swimming in some creeks. We're gonna go playing in some waterfalls we're gonna have some fresh pressed juices okay we are on our healing relaxing kind of vibe this weekend i booked us like a salt room that we're gonna go sit in for an hour and just meditate and chill i'm very excited she is such a kind sweet soul and i'm so lucky to have her in my life um and yeah i haven't seen her since she left kc she was travel nursing here for a while and then left to go to austin and has been there since so of course

i had to book a flight it was time for a trip i needed to escape a little bit i've been working so hard and you know what i am deserving of a little getaway every once in a while and people who are like oh my god you go on so many getaways i feel like i don't i feel like i travel i don't know often enough that i it breaks up life pretty nicely but i think people are like oh my god you travel so so so much when in reality it's just like sometimes you have to get the fuck away from what is going on in front of you from what you're tired from from what you're exhausted from so then you have like a newfound sense and like refresh on life um and i love traveling for that purpose you don't necessarily have to book like a 1500 ticket to europe you know to get that done

sometimes even like a little hour getaway like driving an hour outside of your town to go experience some new horizons some new events some new experiences it just gives you such a nice refresh on life so i am excited especially after this very emotionally tiring weekend for honestly no reason other than hormones to just relax and refresh and be with a good friend and hopefully smoke some weed and drink a mimosa and then lay in a waterfall for a while that is my ultimate weekend so I'm so very excited but yes um I had to pre-record this just so my girlies were taken care of because I love you all so much and I actually remembered to put up the questionnaire this week my god so I know there's a lot in your mind and I know there's a lot you want to get to

I can't wait to tell you about this weekend next week on the next episode but with that being said that's really all I have to get into today I'm getting my nails done you know when I know I'm having a bad week when I just I end up ripping off all my nails oh my poor nail tech is gonna be like girl what the fuck did you do to yourself listen listen I got overwhelmed and all of a sudden I was gnawing at my fingers and they were just gone okay I did bleed a little bit but hey you know beauty is pain it is what it is but I'm getting a new set tonight me and my boyfriend are gonna go on a little lunch dinner date something I don't know um I'm gonna do some laundry here cleaning refreshing organizing free bleeding hopefully gonna get all of that out of me before

i go on this vacation something about airplanes this is tmi something about airplanes when i'm on my period and i'm on an airplane it like the pressure of the plane like taking off and landing is the same kind of pressure as like a sneeze and you know when you sneeze and you're on your period and it feels like you give birth that's what I go through on an airplane when I'm on my period so I'll be tamponing it up for the first time in like forever I swore off tampons little period advice here if you have cramps your tampons are making it worse if you have cramps and something is inserted inside you pressing up against your cervix that is already hurting it's going to make it worse okay listen I was all through high school I mean usually just do

whatever your mom did my mom always used tampons like of course i was using tampons but i would get these cramps where it was debilitating like on the verge of passing out face going white like about to knock over in the middle of the classroom 2 p.m on a wednesday you know like craziness it was because my i was my period was fairly new let's be real the cramps are pretty incredibly powerful at the beginning but also it was because i was using tampons tampons were causing me to cramp so bad i don't know if it's like the bleached cotton and the chemicals in it that my body does not react well to or the fact that something is simply sitting inside me pressing against something that already hurts but i have found that if you have bad cramps if you feel like you um your

periods last too long usually it's because of the tampons the diva cups whatever it is um it's withholding your body from doing what it actually needs to do and the best thing that i have ever done for myself like as a woman when it comes to like women's health well a have a good doctor i think that's important all around but b allowing your body to do what the fuck it needs to do your body knows what's going on more than you could ever imagine like your body as a woman knows what's happening it knows what cycle to go through how to have your period how to get it done I mean of course sometimes hormone dysregulation causes it to be unstable a little bit too much I get it I hear you but also I feel like when you get in the way of your body doing its normal

function it's going to fight back it's going to fight back your cramps are going to be worse you're going to be more moody you're going to have a harder time your period's going to last longer when i just stopped and just let my body do whatever the fuck it wanted to do i had such a better time and i actually stopped using tampons because my iud i feel like this is weird it was like tickling my iud string and i was like no no no no that it feels i can't do that like oh my god system overload bad feeling like it's just not gonna work so i stopped using tampons for that reason and just naturally switched over to like free bleeding or like pads luckily my iud now this is so tmi i'm just going on about my period but hey the girlies we get it you know what i

mean whatever i felt like when i just used a pad or let myself free bleed and before you come for me for free bleeding men are probably listening i was like that's fucking disgusting but you're a pussy and if you bled out of your dick once a month for five days you'd be bleeding all over the fucking place men are nasty okay women can just live let women live let women be period but i'm not just like snail trailing it around like dripping blood all over the fucking place let's be real like of course i'm like it's just sitting at home in a pair of like old underwear it's chill i'm not just like dropping chunks on the ground like i'm not just like you know giving birth all over the place i love free bleeding though put a little towel down get a little warm

compress going maybe a little lavender aromatic and best believe you're gonna have the best period experience ever cramps minimal okay hormones emotions that's a whole different thing we're processing that but overall like body feeling and the length of my period and just how my body process it is so much smoother when i started listening to my body and listening to what it liked and stopped like trying to hide it or succumb it with tampons with diva cups with whatever it is um when i stopped trying to stop it and like force myself to like forget my period is happening and i started just allowing my body to be a body and to have those functions normally oh my god period experience the best the best once again minus the hormones and wanting to die

it's pretty good overall so shout out to my boyfriend for letting me free bleed in his boxers um i feel like that's just girlfriend territory like what's yours is mine thank you babe but yeah overall i just need to get through this period so then i can just go run around and be the little forest fairy that i deserve to be this week anyways with that being said wish me luck on my flight hopefully it goes good um and i will fill you guys in on what i do this week in austin next week but if you want to see what i'm up to the instagram story is probably where it's gonna be you can follow me there at hannah marlene um and yeah it's enough period talk sorry about that but let's get into all of your guys's questions someone asked your opinions on drug

testing for jobs i mean like i kind of get it but also i don't when it's profiling like weed i'm like girl let's be fucking real that is not the biggest problem you can have but if it's like you're using industrial equipment and they want to know if you're on heroin or not like i get it i get it if you're like a nursing student you know they want to know if you're maybe using vibes like i totally understand it is pretty invasive i'm not gonna lie but i understand the checks and balances that it withholds um but i think drug testing for weed is just so fucking stupid i don't think it needs to happen and honestly i have seen a big switch in jobs recently where they have just simply stopped like they don't do it anymore when it

comes to nursing like all my nursing friends they're like i mean yeah they'll drug test us we live in a legal state but they're like yeah well they'll drug test us if they have a suspicion so i mean ultimately they really don't um but they're also not testing for weed anymore my boyfriend just got a new job and it's with the u.s government and he was expecting like oh you know they're gonna test me of course like i'm working for the government hello but then like no i think a lot of people have given up on it because they realized how invasive it is and also they realized how much it cuts down on people actually applying and like good people not being able to get these jobs good candidates not being able to get these jobs because oh I smoked a joint yesterday how

dare I you know what I mean there's a there's a good checks and balance in place I don't think you necessarily need to drug test I get maybe if it's for something big something where it's like you have other people's lives in your hands sure but ultimately drug testing for weed is so stupid and that's why I can say this now because I'm not a nurse and also like I'm not in nursing school but that's why I faked my drug test for nursing school I was just like this is kind of stupid you know what I mean like you're gonna drug test me for nursing school for freshman year where I'm not working with patients I'm just taking like general chem and health ed classes like this is fucking stupid I am not gonna spend the last summer I have with all of my high school

friends not smoking weed and hanging out hello what is summer for like let's be real come on girls like i want to go smoke a joint with my girlies in the forest and hang out i'm not going to miss out on that experience um and so you know i remember my brother and my dad like having a conversation downstairs one night and i was sitting upstairs like i don't know scrolling on my ipad when i was listening to them to them talk and my brother was like whispering to my dad and he's like do you like really think she's gonna pass that drug test and my dad said she'll find a way best believe i found a way he knows me he knows his daughter like i'll figure it out you know what i mean one way or another best believe i did figure it out i'm not necessarily going to give

you tips there i'm sure there's plenty of reddit threads out there to help you figure that out but if it needs to happen it needs to happen if you need to go on a little tea break quickly it can happen quickly um don't let drugs and alcohol get in the way of a job don't let drugs and alcohol get in the way of your money ever don't let drugs alcohol men get in the way of your money ultimate story here someone said my situationship got mad at me for doing single shit even though i'm single that's why situationships don't work because like you're both technically kind of in love with each other or like one person is more in love with the other person than the other because listen if you're fucking on a daily basis you're gonna have love for one another sorry I

don't make the rules here like it is just general human chemistry that when you make love you are it's literally called making love for a reason you're going to feel those emotions you're gonna feel that attachment and when you pretend like you don't when you pretend like you're not a human and you're a robot and you can separate yourself from those emotions shit's gonna go wrong okay people are gonna get hurt people are gonna get too attached whatever it may be that's why i'm not with the whole situationship thing i mean sure if you put balances and checks in place and you have rules or whatever it can work theoretically but are you guys actually fucking doing that no no you're not so of course someone's gonna get hurt when you ended up doing single shit

after asking him what are we and he says nothing don't get hurt get even you know what I mean that's my motto you know don't get jealous get even that's all you can really do in that situation that's a little evil of me you know what I mean but situationships in general are kind of an already evil situation so I say if he's mad he should have wiped you up if he's mad that you're out doing single shit he should have said no I'm in love with you like a real man would so I don't think you're necessarily in the wrong here how to fight the urge to not become a feral rat again so like crash out oh i miss my crash out phases i do there's something so like cathartic about being a teenager and just like i don't want to like screaming and then running out and then

being dramatic and like putting your headphones in and like running away and then coming back later and like sobbing in the shower and then like texting somebody something crazy like oh i miss when i was emotionally unstable it made things so much more interesting but ultimately ultimately just because it's stimulating doesn't mean it's good okay and i had to learn this young especially having like a little bit of a personality disorder and a little bit of like a substance abuse issue thing it's like just because that thing is making your life interesting good or bad does not mean it's something you need to indulge in just because it's putting you in fight or flight mode and it finally makes you feel alive for the first time in your life does not

mean it's healthy for you in fact I highly recommend not being in fight or flight mode in your life constantly okay that's how you true peace sure it comes at the cost of craziness and allowing yourself to be crazy but ultimately you're going to feel better for it I get it sometimes you just want to look someone in the face and like read them to filth you know what i mean to the point where they go home and rethink everything about their lives to the point where they want to go call their mom and cry to them and sometimes sometimes it is warranted i will tell you that sometimes crashing out and telling somebody how it is is warranted but you have to decipher the situation not every situation is worth your time or energy and that is something

that i highly recommend you discover early rather than later okay not everybody is deserving of that crash out energy you have to save it for a special occasion you gotta pocket that anger you know tuck it away for a rainy day and bring it out when it is necessary like every part of me wants to go out and be that crazy fucking horrible nasty rat party girl that I was where I was just like eating drugs off the floor and no care in the world for myself or others like that sort of freedom I mean it felt free at the time but ultimately that was like more shackling and it felt more confined and restrictive that sort of quote-unquote free lifestyle than actually having a free lifestyle where I think about things and I hold myself accountable and I hold other

people accountable and I hold my energy accountable and only place it in put in things that are worth my time that freedom of boredom is worth much much more than the quote-unquote freedom ultimately shackles of craziness you know I used to think the crazier I was the freer I was the more I said what's on my mind the less I was confined by social values the more I did not give a fuck the more I was kind of you know not being a part of the system and actually being a real human being but in reality I was being an asshole and I was being selfish and I was living in a state of mind that was so anxiety inducing because I didn't know whether to fight or flight in any single moment given and it is just so exhausting living in that state and if you have the time and the

emotional stability to actually think about your situation and ask yourself like is this person even worth my energy is this moment even worth my energy is this actually going to make me happy please ask yourself those questions because the answer is usually no sure that person pissed you off on the bus sure that man is being a man sure that person said something weird or looked at you weird but is it worth going off in that very moment no 90% of the time it is not okay and only feeding into that negative energy it's going to overall consume you that negative energy if you give into what other people want you to become, you will become that ultimately. So yes, sometimes I do have the feeling of like, I want to crash out so bad right now and just go fucking crazy

and lose my shit. Sure. But ultimately, is that true freedom? No, it's not. You're confining yourself to the life of anxiety and evil. And that's not a life that you should live. being mentally sane is so challenging it really is it's so challenging but ultimately being so peaceful and having this sort of chosen peace and understanding within myself is true freedom and is that freedom that I think most people crashing out are desiring they just wouldn't expect it would come from actually holding yourself and other people accountable but once again save that crash out energy pocket it for a rainy day because you will have a situation eventually where it's like oh i can unleash the gates you know i can unleash the beasts

on this person on this thing on this item on this situation like i have been waiting for this moment and jump on that moment when you can but also like that should not be an everyday experience i would say i crash out or actually say it like it is maybe once a year once a year and it's it's well worth it holding that and saving it for that moment um because it's your words actually have meaning if you're crashing it all the time people are not going to trust what you say people are not going to you know listen to you or actually believe that your words have meaning because it's something that you're doing all the time if you save it if you pocket it and use it when it's necessary people will be like oh shit no she means business she's never like this she must really

mean business that's why when i started breaking down at work people are actually concerned about me because i'm not crying every day at work it's pretty rare that i'm actually like sobbing in the walk-in so when i do start breaking down they're all like what the fuck did we do who hurt her what's going on like how can we help her you know what i mean boy who cried wolf that kind of thing you know indulgent feelings when necessary but also don't let those feelings become you true freedom in life is peace how to stop feeling guilty about everything all the time love you so I realized when I was in this phase of like I just feel so bad like I did something wrong oh my god this person looked at me wrong I was constantly guilty guilty guilty I was the victim you're

playing the victim card you want people to feel bad for you it's a new way of attention seeking and I didn't realize I was doing that intention seeking until it was like why am I feeling guilty over things that like literally are not my fucking problem why am i feeling guilty that someone else did something and it caused a reaction you know like why am i feeling guilty and holding myself accountable for things that literally have nothing to do with me and it's because i was playing the victim card because i wanted attention because i wanted people to feel bad for me it's like the whole fishing thing you know when people are like oh i'm just so ugly i'm just so fat i don't feel good today like constantly fishing fishing fishing for compliments it's the same kind of mindset

where it's like but i'm the victim i need people to feel bad for me i need to feel bad about myself like i just am the victim i have that guilty conscious complex you're not the victim okay and holding yourself to that state into that mindset of like well i feel guilty about everything I feel guilty about being alive it's like a new kind of way of playing the victim complex and like fishing for that sense of purpose and fishing for people to feel bad about you and for you to feel bad about yourself that seems a little harsh but I had to have that conversation with myself a couple months back where it's like no like you are not the victim and if you constantly believe that you're the victim you're constantly demeaning like other people's situations because you're

only focusing on yourself and when you're only focusing on yourself whether it's good or bad you're not able to like correctly love and uphold the people and the relationships in your life you know what I mean you're not able to be a good partner you're not able to be a good friend if you're constantly in that victim mentality you're not able to fully show up as a good person in a good relationship as you should be able to so break that victim complex okay not everything's your fault in fact most of the time it's not when it is your fault don't play the victim card don't feel guilty do better okay when i get hurt by people when people hurt me and they're like oh i didn't mean to why don't you just feel bad for me like oh i'm so sorry i'm such an awful person

And I'm like, yeah, duh, I don't care. Like, I want you to do better. I don't care that you feel bad. Sure, you should feel bad. Normal human emotion. What are you going to do from there? You know, and that's the best way to really heal that mindset, that guilt complex, that victim complex is not like, what am I feeling now?

What does that hold? Who cares? What am I going to do with that situation? Am I going to do better? Cool. I fucked up. Every human makes mistakes. But what am I going to do from here?

and am I just going to sit here and feel guilty about myself and keep doing the same bad thing because it's going to keep making me feel guilty about myself and keep seeking validation that way or am I going to get the fuck up and am I going to do better so I don't ever feel that way again okay okay that kind of thing unfortunately we are not always the victims of our situations and we can escape them based on what we do and what we learn from it and the best way to be a good friend in your life is not to feel bad for yourself but to use that feeling and to do better in your next steps ahead dealing with the friend who is always in competition with you i don't know i don't have those friends because i don't have people around me who see me as competition because i keep it

creates a weird hierarchy that is not um indulgent of a true relationship you know you're not going to be able to withhold a real relationship and a healthy relationship with somebody who is pitting you against them you know what I mean I don't know if you're in competition with them or if they're in competition with you but if you find yourself in a situation where maybe like you and your friend are butting heads a little bit too much maybe you're a little too in competition with each other you're a little too snarky you know you're just getting overwhelmed and a little bit tired with each other I think it's okay and very healthy to like take a step away from that relationship for a second and to like take a week break you will come back to it with refreshed and

renewed perspective but also like I don't hold friends around me who are in competition with me because I don't like that dynamic I don't want to be in competition especially with other women you know when society is constantly putting us up against each other the best thing that we can do woman to woman is to not indulge in that competition ever this is so funny how to make sure you eat well during college living in a flat do you have your own apartment um so this is my go-to recipe i have two go-to recipes for my college girlies who need to eat period and who you know don't have a lot of money don't have a lot of time i just need food in my system a if you have a dining hall eat there as much as you can they're going to have pretty healthy food

pro tip dining hall pro tip if they have a specific dining hall that all of the student athletes go to go to that one they're going to have the healthiest options they're honestly going to have the most tasty options go to the student athlete dining hall that's where I always went because my friends were student athletes so I was eating like chicken and steak and rice and greens it was so nice but if you don't have that you know no dining hall you're living alone I ate so many eggs lots of eggs quick protein they cook in like two minutes easy specifically I made a lot of omelets eggs spinach cheese throw it in a fucking pan forget about it and then eat it perfect throw some hot sauce on top easy cheap you can make that for probably like 75 cents

also when you're making ramen which yes you will eat a lot of ramen in college i ate more ramen in college than my entire life i would you know boil the noodles in the water put packet whatever seasoning packet in the water and then you know how you do like egg drop soup where you mix in eggs with the soup i would do that with like two eggs in my ramen so i was getting extra protein throw some cheese on top consider that protein you're good to go last but not least if you need something a little bit sweeter oatmeal cheapest thing you can probably make as like a breakfast or dessert item in college get a cheap ass bag of brown sugar get a giant container of steel cut oats all you need is water oats a little brown sugar all of a sudden you have a healthy breakfast

a healthy dessert throw some apples on top if you're feeling fucking crazy oh my god delicious those are the meals that i ate the most in college i also ate a lot of rice i don't know if you have a rice cooker eggs and rice very simple you can get a bag of frozen veggies and take leftover rice and stir fry them together with eggs very simple healthy meals three items or less that's the way you want to cook in college how to get my hot girl confidence back on a new college campus you have a new start you have a fresh start i know it feels like there's a lot of eyes on you because you have a lot of eyes on other people because it's a new situation so of course you're taking in the situation a little bit more than you would usually do so thus you feel like you're

observing a lot outward so you feel like you're observing a lot inwards as well in reality everybody in college is way too focused on themselves in that very moment the same way you're a little too focused on yourself everybody else is also feeling that same way so step away from that feeling and find balance and peace and understanding that everybody is feeling that you know overseeing eye that pressure and take this moment to really become that hot girl that you've always wanted to be new i love a new situation i love a new start because it's an opportunity for you to like step into that person you know oh you want to be the hot sexy girl on campus wearing mini skirts and high heels to class you can be her you just have to choose to show up

like that oh you want to be the hot girl on campus that goes to the gym every day after school you can be her the matter of fact is you just have to show up to the gym every day you know what i mean oh you want to look a certain way cool start dressing that way oh you want to be that hot girl that socializes get out of your comfort zone and go say hi the only person standing in the way of who you want to be and who you will become is you so ask yourself new beginnings new start let's make up this like version of ourselves and who we want to be and what is she what does she do what does she eat what does she look like and then step into her use those ideals as like steps you can take to becoming her i don't know what to do with your day cool look at the

idealized version of yourself become her do those things the things that she would do all of a sudden you're doing i wanted to be a pilates girl my whole life oh i wanted to be at pilates classes now I was like you know what fuck it I'll sign up for a Pilates class now I cannot go I cannot go a week without doing Pilates I'm about to go to Austin Texas I have class pass I'm like girl you want to go to a class with me you know what I mean it feels so good to idealize a version of yourself in your head and then become her it is so powerful to understand that you can become whoever you want to be you just got to show up and do the thing doing the thing is going to be the hardest task but if you can get over that hump and that fear of simply doing the thing

everybody feels that fear everybody's gonna have that fear are you gonna let that fear stand in the way of your dream life of your dream person of your dream self no don't let fear control you don't let you know anxiety control you step into that person you'll feel so much better so much confident about yourself i am so sorry my patreon girlies i forgot to upload um the journal prompts for the weekend but i will be uploading them today along with my monday manifestations and the journal prompts that i have for this week on patreon patreon.com smoke that shoddy are specifically about new beginnings and creating that idealized version of yourself creating that dream girl and kind of mapping it out i also think this is a great time to do these journal prompts

especially because today is a new moon and a lot of manifesting can be done on a new moon i think it's really healthy to do manifesting on a new moon especially in this time where i don't know September and like the beginning of fall really brings a lot of like sense of beginnings and endings and that can feel really confusing especially when you don't know where to go so I love having journal prompts and like organized ways of thought to process those feelings and those emotions into a healthy way and to process them into a healthy beginning you know but ultimately the fear and anxiety that is holding you back is holding everybody back that person that you think is so cool and so hot wow I can't believe she does all those things

she's not letting fear and anxiety control her that's the only thing that's stopping you don't let it control you don't let fear and anxiety run your life show up and live your life don't stand in the way of your dream life okay love you someone said I want to go on antidepressants but worried about how it could affect my creativity illy so I felt that way at first about like getting help and seeking help because I was a creative person and I felt like I was in a pretty good creative flow at the time but my outside world was pretty chaotic as well as my inside world and I was like but but I can't go on antidepressants what if I lose my spark bitch your spark being not leaving bed for 48 hours and not showering and developing pressure

ulcers from not leaving bed and laying horizontal all day your spark of sleeping for 72 hours your spark of hating yourself and everybody else around you like what what spark babe that's not a spark that is a downpour of rain you know and I feel like I actually started thriving as a creative when I started you know my mental health journey because I was able to understand myself a little bit more and understand the way that my brain works and like what works for me and I was able to be on a healthier and better mental and physical routine that helped me thrive as a creative helped me organize my thoughts organize my ideas create more ultimately so if you're creative and you're like but but my spark babe depression is not a spark okay mental illness is not some fun cutesy

little handbag that you get to carry around and it makes you special it's ultimately a demise that a lot of people face and if you are lucky enough to seek help and to have the privilege of getting medication and getting help and becoming a better person take that opportunity take the opportunity immediately someone asked why do i like toxic men this is a good one i mean it could stem from what you saw in childhood I do think a lot of the toxicity that we fall into especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships they mimic very highly what you experience as a child so if you had parents that were in a unhealthy loveless marriage and that's all you saw and that's what you grew up thinking love was even in the back of your head you know you knew it wasn't if that's

what you saw that is probably what you might seek in the future so it could be that or b and i think i see a lot of women falling into this narrative and i have been a victim of this as well where it's like if i don't like myself how can i trust somebody who likes me you know what i mean so i would only fall for men who like basically were toxic and fucking hated me because i thought that's all I deserved oh well I'm just I don't like myself and I'm ugly and blah blah blah self demeaning self demeaning self demeaning you know and if I truly believe that about myself why would I believe that I'm deserving of a good person you know why would I believe that I'm deserving of somebody who truly likes me you know why would I be attracted to somebody who likes me when I'm like

the worst thing I could possibly think of do you see how that mindset is very terrible and has women falling in traps okay the best thing that you can do to find a good relationship is to love yourself and to fully love yourself and to understand that you were deserving of good love and yes you're hot and you're sexy and you deserve to be worshipped as so okay let me repeat that you are hot and sexy and you deserve love you deserve kindness i declared pretty early on into dating my boyfriend which was helpful in reframing like how I brought men into my life which was I never want to have an angry man in my house ever again my house being my personal space wherever the fuck I am I do not want to be around angry men I don't want to be around toxic

men I do not want to have men who are in a bad place affect me so much because I had just come out of a relationship where I was just not even a human being because I was so involved with a toxic man and his fucking problems okay and the problems that he created for me and how bad he made me feel that I lost years of my life and I declared never again will I fall into that trap because it is the quickest way to lose yourself and it's very easy to do so you don't want to think about yourself you don't want to you know withhold or hold yourself to ideals you don't want to create goodness for yourself sure go love a toxic man you will lose years of your life you will never have to think about yourself again because you're going to be constantly thinking about this man

but is that really a life you want to live okay do you really want to surround yourself with toxic men constantly and never get to live your life as a woman we as women have choice now do you understand that like back in the day like my grandmother did not have choice she got pregnant at 18 had kids got married that's it that's it you got married to the next door neighbor that your parents chose for you you had no choice the fact that we have choice now in our lives is so important and I don't think women nowadays are upholding their choice as much as they can you don't have to be with that toxic man he will never love you why are you chasing a man who doesn't love you do you really think you're deserving of that okay i guarantee even if you

do chase that toxic man for 5 10 15 years if he does finally love you you will see that love and not give a fuck about it because you know he's a horrible awful person so if he does end up loving you what the hell does that mean you know what i mean if he's a horrible person and he loves you does that mean you're horrible as well something to think about being loved by a good person by a healthy person by somebody who is stable who loves themselves feels so much more enthralling and addicting than a toxic love ever will because it makes you feel good love should make you feel good infatuation is not going to make you feel good chasing is not going to make you feel good it's really easy to forget yourself okay and to ignore yourself and to constantly chase after an

angry toxic man but it is not worth the time and the energy that you are going to put into it and the time lost with yourself you are important you deserve love you don't have to keep reliving those narratives that you saw at a young age you do not have to keep pining after somebody who does not like you in fact i highly recommend being around people who like you and show you that they like you you are deserving of that no matter what you think about yourself but ultimately the best way that you can find yourself in a good relationship outside of toxic men is to love yourself and to know that you are deserving of real love so when that toxic shit does show up you will not stand for it you will not hold space for it that shit ain't gonna fly in my house that's

for sure activities for september end of summer fall transition love the pod and so some stuff that I've been doing recently a me and my boyfriend went apple picking that was super cute I guarantee this is like the last kind of season that we have for fresh fruit especially from the farms and fresh flowers and things like that before it's like only pumpkins you know what I mean so go indulge go do a little you pick situation type in you pick and then whatever city you're in I guarantee there's local farms you can go get apples get flowers whatever it is from um i love a little like excursion like that i'm also trying to take advantage of the warmer days as much as i can i'm gonna get my last little river swims in my last little hikes things like

that wear my short shorts and my tank tops one last time because summer's not officially over yet until the end of virgo season so we still got a little bit still got some weeks left um deep cleaning at the end of every season i always do a good deep clean of my life i'm gonna do more of a deep clean in the winter time just because i'm going to be inside a little bit more but overall just like mopping vacuuming dishes little things like that so i'm going into a new season feeling refreshed and renewed ultimately just being outside drinking my coffee and reading a book on my patio in the mornings going on an evening walk um moving my legs stretching sitting in the sunlight for a little bit before it the sun sets at 5 p.m and we only have like five hours of

sunlight you know what i mean like ladies it's coming it's coming the darkness is coming take advantage of the sunlight and this green nature that we have before it leaves us how to get over cravings specifically fast food it's draining my wallet and me this is something i've actually thought about a lot of because i've been buying more whole foods recently not the store i can't afford that shit but just like chicken kale apples you know no processed foods i've been buying like whole foods in that sort of way and I found that like yeah it's boring to eat but also like the boringness is not making me over consume you know I'm eating I'm filling up it's good like it's tasty like I'll make good food you know what I mean like a quesadilla omelet whatever it is like

it'll be yummy for sure using these whole foods but also I'm not over indulging because my body is not craving the fake chemicals that i'm ingesting you know what i mean like fast food is meant to be addicting that shit is meant to be like the best thing you've ever put in your body you ever held a mcdonald's burger in front of a dog feral feral and it's for a reason okay like it's supposed to be addicting you're supposed to want more you're supposed to want to eat more and sure i'm not saying don't indulge every once in a while go for it but also i have found that my indulgences and my need for fast food and my need for fulfilling that craving has completely subsided when I started like from the basics and started eating more whole foods for my meals

so I was cooking myself sure boring hard-boiled eggs in the morning or maybe some oatmeal in the morning for lunch I was having you know maybe like an egg scramble I eat a lot of eggs I don't know it's just easy I'm lazy things like that maybe a quesadilla or a fat sandwich like nothing is better than a sandwich in the afternoon especially on a warm day oof so good you get your meat your cheese your veggies maybe some good sourdough bread good for the gut fantastic and then for dinner I'm making something like a stew maybe like a little chicken katsu maybe some pasta maybe that's like a little bit more of an indulgence for the night but having that whole foods and making it from scratch like my brain's not craving that chemical indulgence my brain is

not craving that you know serotonin release the same way it does with fast food so I'm able to fill myself up adequately get enough protein minerals vitamins things like that take some time away from my life to actually like meditate and cook a little bit ultimately I'm feeling like a more well-rounded person and I'm not craving the fast food as much as I possibly did in the beginning you know what I mean I mean there was a point in my time where it was like canes chick-fil-a taco bell taco bell taco bell chick-fil-a like every night and I fell into that chat because I was working late nights so I get off work and you know maybe I wouldn't want to go cook and that's fine that's okay every once in a while but that was not okay for every meal okay

it was making me feel drained it was making my wallet feel drained I wasn't getting enough vitamins and minerals I was just not feeling good because I was not eating a well-balanced meal you know a well-balanced meal is not going to be addicting you're not going to be able to put down a full fucking pot of it you know what I mean you're not going to be able to put down a whole brown bag of it but that's because your body's getting enough of what it needs and it's not needing any more it's not craving any more it's not having that chemical addiction that serotonin addiction the same way that fast food does trigger your brain into that so I recommend you know and it's hard it's a hard switch sure of course but it is ultimately the best switch that I made food

wise and consumption wise in my life and it's a very healthy habit that i picked up in my adult years that i will definitely carry on um my parents kind of taught this to me they didn't we never went out to eat like the only time i went out to eat was maybe to mcdonald's once a year that's it if my parents were like it was a late night we're driving home it's 10 p.m after a long soccer game my parents would go would go yeah we're going to the family restaurant and i'm like oh what family restaurant like oh my god we never gonna go out all of a sudden we're pulling into the driveway like that was my kind of going out to eat we always went home we always made something from home and it was never like interesting or indulgent it was always like chicken breast

veggies rice you know simple balanced but also it was good for my brain to see and understand and process so I did understand like what it took to have a healthy routine to have a money saving routine when it comes to cooking to eat enough protein to eat enough vegetables eat enough grains carbs things like that without constantly going out and serotonin indulging because it's so easy especially when you feel bad I fall into this problem where it's like oh I feel bad about myself let me eat a good fucking fat ass greasy burger and I get that sometimes that's exactly what you need no hate but that can't be an every night situation you know you got to find balance in it I think the 80 20 rule is something that's pretty easy to follow especially for everybody

um where it's like 80 healthy 20 indulgences 20 quote-unquote unhealthy whatever you want to categorize it as um but following that rule really helped me balance things out and understand like choosing the moments where I did want to indulge instead of just using every day as an indulgence and really thinking about them and processing them differently holding myself to that standard so i had to really think about you know oh do i really want this or is it just easier to go home and cook a quesadilla and not spend 40 you know usually it's easier to go home and make something for yourself than it is to pull out 50 50 60 dollars from your wallet for what for a quick serotonin boost something to think about that's why i've been making a lot of cooking videos

because like i want people to know that anything that you crave you can usually make at home okay for way cheaper easier and you're gonna have like quadruple the amount you know what I mean I made a spicy chicken sandwich video but it did not save to my phone unfortunately so I remade a video I made a oh it was so good I bought this jalapeno cheddar sourdough loaf and I used that to make a fat ass fucking grilled cheese and on the grilled cheese I put like black forest ham apple crisp or honey crisp apples that me and my boyfriend picked at the farm and then i drizzled it in hot honey that i made from home and arugula the video will be uploaded hopefully tomorrow maybe the next day we'll see i'm editing it right now but it was so yummy anything that you're

craving anything that you want you can make at home and ultimately even if it's unhealthy even it's like fried whatever it is you're going to feel better having made it yourself you're going to have saved money you're going to be able to indulge a little bit more having made it yourself than if you go out to a fast food restaurant and if you go out and buy it the things that I really indulge on now like when it comes to food it's like I'm gonna go get pho I'm gonna go get a fat bowl of pho or occasionally a canes run because I am addicted to their chicken tenders but 80 20 rule most of the time I cook at home most of the time I'm eating whole foods and feeling satisfied that way so I do not crave the fried chicken as much as I usually do

balance it's all about balance okay I think this will be our last question for the day I know I'm so sorry this has been a good one though very inspiring very you know uplifting I think it's kind of a grounding episode for all of us I think this is a very grounding question that maybe a lot of us are going through especially during this like transitional season this transitional time September is such like an ending and beginning season and someone asked how to be accepting of where you're at not be anxious that you're not doing enough to grow I think we're all kind of finding ourself there in that weird like liminal space that in-between space where we're we have one step in the future and then one step kind of in the present or the past however you

want to see it and it feels like we're kind of splitting in half in that sort of sense you know we want to be forward we want to be in that idealized version of ourselves we want to be five years ahead we want to you know we see the future and we want to be there now but the matter of the fact is we're not there now we are here and feeling like we are stuck here or we have outgrown this situation can feel so so hindering you know what i mean it can feel like oh i'm not doing enough oh I'm not being enough or I'm not enjoying my time here because I know I have outgrown this time here and I don't want to be here anymore that is valid the way you are feeling is valid when you find yourself in a situation that you know you have outgrown and you're feeling

tired of it you know you're wanting to move forward you know you've outgrown this situation that is okay but the best way to find yourself in a situation that you've outgrown and be able to grow from it successfully is to have gratitude for where you are now. You can be somewhere that you don't want to be and understand that it is still serving you. Do you know what I mean? Like sure I'm working a dead-end restaurant job. I don't want to be working in a restaurant. I don't want to be bartending anymore. I want to be fast forward in the future doing a different job. I want to be that girl but ultimately I'm not there yet. It's going to take time. It's going to take understanding it's going to take work but I'm here and I find myself here and if I sit here

and I think oh I've outgrown this place I don't want to be here like this sucks this is awful like I hate this I don't want to be here I'm already I'm ready to move forward this isn't serving me blah blah blah and you only have negative negative negative negative you are ultimately closing the gate between you and where you want to be when you are not holding gratitude for where you want to be you are becoming the rock the branch the whole fucking tree in the middle of the river blocking the flow okay when you are not holding gratitude for where you are the universe is not going to bless you by helping you move forward you are ultimately standing in the way of your future self when you're in a place and you know you have come to the end of the road as

one might say it's time to you know find the new flow towards the new path if you do not hold like gratitude for where you are now you are not going to ever get there okay you're going to be constantly stuck here because you're going to be constantly stuck on the negative you can be somewhere and understand it's not where you want to be and still be like but it's providing for me I have a stable job I'm able to pay rent it's not the worst thing that's ever happened like everybody's fairly nice to me sure I have to deal with rude customers every once in a while but thus is life when involving yourself with people like ultimately if you look at the big picture sure I've outgrown this place I'm feeling a little tired of it I'm ready to move forward but that does not mean that

that's the situation you're in is negative in any sort of way it's still providing for me I'm thankful for what it's providing for me I'm thankful for the stability it is bringing I am thankful for you know being able to work a job and now go on a trip and visit my friend I'm thankful for being able to have a savings account I'm thankful for being able to get out and socialize to work in a place that has good food and good people I am thankful for you know this little apartment that I'm in and being here and I know one day I am going to be 10 15 years ahead looking back on this moment wishing I would have appreciated it more that's one thing I've learned especially like having I mean some years in my past and like looking back I was in a lot

of situations that I was not appreciative of in that moment and looking back all I think about is I wish I would have had more gratitude for that time because I didn't realize how fast it was going to go I didn't realize how much my life was going to change so quickly and I wish even though I was kind of miserable in that moment whatever it is I wish I would have paused and taken that kind of liminal space that you're in that like before the jump kind of area that you're in to rest and to relax and to give thanks to the universe for providing me what it did okay before you time warp and jump into that next version of yourself which is going to be fast-paced and quick and overwhelming take the time where you are now even if you are feeling drained and over it and

ready to grow take that time that liminal time in between to give thanks for where you are to appreciate where you are and to take it all in to take that time to relax to take that time to live in the routine and appreciate the routine for what it is if you learn to have gratitude for where you are no matter how you feel that is the best way to keep that river flowing that is the best way to keep that positive energy moving and to ultimately time warp and jump you into the best possible situation to get that future version of you here quickly not by sitting here being like this sucks i hate this i'm so over it i've outgrown this blah blah blah that's going to keep you stuck there because you're stuck in that negative cycle you're stuck in that hatred you're stuck in that

disdain for where you are that's not going to help you grow but if you understand hey I'm in a place that you know it served me and I'm thankful for that but also I am ready to change and grow into a new person thank you universe for providing me for the stability for giving me this moment for where I am now for appreciating you know this situation for what it is I'm going to be able to flow easily into that next version of myself more than if I fought it do you see where I'm coming from are my words making any sort of sense like I look back on like 20 year old me just moved out no furniture just a tv eating ramen noodles watching sex in the city on the floor in my underwear and it's like in that moment I was like kind of sobbing to myself like I don't have

anything blah blah blah whatever it is but now looking back I'm like oh that was such a special moment like I had just in a big thing I just moved sure I didn't have everything that I wanted but like that was such a big girl moment that was such a adult moment in my life and sure in that moment it was a different feeling but looking back I wish I would have had more gratuity for where I was and appreciated the situation more for what it was because time moves so fucking fast and all of a sudden you have more responsibilities you have more things you need to pay for you have more things you need to do and you look back on those moments and really wish you would have appreciated the time that where you were instead of trying to rush the time quickly into the next situation

when you rush things the process doesn't go as smooth as you would have thought when you don't have gratitude for where you are the river is not going to flow as smooth as what you would of thought the best way to kind of time warp and time jump into that best possible version of yourself that idealized version of yourself the future that you want to live in now is to appreciate the now because it's going to be gone in an instant do you know what i mean so it's hard especially when you've outgrown things it's okay to sit here and be like you know what this is not serving me anymore but also there are benefits to see and appreciate from this moment there are things to take in from this moment let me look around at my situation right now take it all in

because one day I am going to be living that big dream life and I'm going to look back and wish I would have taken that moment to give thanks to have gratitude before time warping into the next best version of myself. So don't rush yourself. It's a process. You know what I mean? And it's okay to be tired of where you are or feeling like you need to change. That's good. A lot of people don't feel that way. A lot of people don't want to change or want things to change. They don't want better for themselves. So appreciate yourself for wanting better and wanting to do better and holding yourself to those standards and holding the people around you to those standards. But also this moment and this time did serve you and it did serve you well appreciate it give thanks all

of a sudden you will be 10 years in the future looking back on that moment time moves so fucking fast so the best thing you can really do for any moment at any point in time is to have gratitude for it and to kind of just see the light in every moment there's always a light you can find for real there's always something good that you can look back on and really appreciate and the best way to really receive the universe's blessings and to manifest that dream life for yourself manifest that dream person that dream situation that dream job is to be in a positive flow state rather than blocking the river okay with hatred and negativity for where you are anyways with that being said i love you all so much i gotta get going i gotta do some laundry

i gotta get some lunch but i hope you're all doing well in this beautiful first week of september it's going to treat us all so well i do know it don't let things get to you don't let life overwhelm you have gratuity for every situation that you come across um appreciate the now for what it is seek the light in every moment stay sexy stay sane stay safe most importantly have fun you know what i mean this is going to be a really fun week if you want to follow what i'm up to uh check me out on instagram at hannah marlene and if you want to join the patreon for extra content every week patreon.com slash smokes as shoddy i will be uploading those journal prompts today um psa for my patreon girlies which i'll put a little psa up on our you know uploaded on

patreon as well but um the patreon only episode will not be on thursday because i will be out of town it'll be this weekend still so it's still coming but maybe a couple days late um but i love you all so much thank you for being here thank you for being you and i will see you all next week Thank you for watching.