Smosh Mouth - #90 - Reading Our Dumb Sketches w/ Tommy Bowe

Episode Date: April 21, 2025

Write down EVERY idea, you never know which podcast you'll read it on in 10 years. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to https://rocketmoney.com/SMOSHMOUTH today. 0:00 Intro 2:33 Shayne's Sketch 8:37 Sponsor 10:01 Tommy's Sketch 18:47 Amanda's Sketch 29:53 Shayne's 2nd Sketch 37:07 Tommy's 2nd Sketch 43:13 Amanda's 2nd Sketch 55:03 Amanda's 3rd Sketch 1:04:12 How they learned to write sketches SUBSCRIBE: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshCast WEAR OUR JOKES: https://smosh.com WHO YOU SEE Shayne Topp // https://www.instagram.com/shaynetopp/ Amanda Lehan-Canto // https://www.instagram.com/filmingamanda/ Tommy Bowe // https://www.instagram.com/tomeybones/ WHO YOU DON’T SEE (usually) Director: Selina Garcia Editor: Kristen O'Hare Producer: Amanda Lehan-Canto, Shayne Topp, Selina Garcia Production Designer: Cassie Vance Art Director: Erin Kuschner Assistant Art Director: Josie Bellerby Stage Manager: Alex Aguilar Prop Master: Courtney Chapman Art Coordinator: Abby Schmidt Wardrobe Assistant: Elizabeth Park Prop Assistant: Bridgette Baron Audio Mixer: Scott Neff Director of Photography: Brennan Iketani Camera Operator: James Hull Assistant Director: Jonathan Hyon Executive Vice President of Production: Amanda Barnes Senior Production Manager: Alexcina Figueroa Production Manager: Jonathan Hyon Production Coordinator: Zianne Hoover Operations & Production Coordinator: Oliver Wehlander Production Assistant: Caroline Smith Post Production Manager: Luke Baker DIT/Lead AE: Matt Duran IT: Tim Baker IT & Equipment Coordinator: Lopati Ho Chee Director of Design: Brittany Hobbs Graphic Designers: Ness Cardano, Monica Ravitch Senior Manager, Channel & Strategy: Lizzy Jones Channel Operations Coordinator: Audrey Carganilla Director of Social Media: Erica Noboa Social Creative Producer: Peter Ditzler, Tommy Bowe Merchandising Manager: Mallory Myers Social Media Coordinator: Kim Wilborn Brand Partnership Manager: Chloe Mays Operations Manager: Selina Garcia Talent Coordinator: Danielle Moses People Operations Specialist: Katie Fink Front Office Assistant: Sara Faltersack CEO: Alessandra Catanese Executive Producers: Ian Hecox, Anthony Padilla EVP of Programming: Kiana Parker Coordinator Producer of Programming: Marcus Munguia Associate Producer, Special Projects: Rachel Collis Executive Assistant: Katelyn Hempstead OTHER SMOSHES: Smosh: https://smo.sh/Sub2Smosh Smosh Pit: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshPit Smosh Games: https://smo.sh/Sub2SmoshGames El Smosh (Spanish Dub): https://smo.sh/Sub2ElSmosh FOLLOW US: TikTok: https://smo.sh/TikTok Instagram: https://instagram.com/smosh Facebook: https://facebook.com/smosh

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So who's that pro the pros at tread experts from tires to auto repair. Tread experts is always there helping you with Kumo tires. You can trust until June 15th, receive up to $60 on a prepaid MasterCard when you purchase Kumo RoadVenture AT52 tires. Find your pro at your local Tread Experts. From tires to auto repair, we're always there. TreadExperts.ca Hello. Welcome to Smosh Mouth. I'm Shane. And I'm Amanda. And we have a very special guest with us today, Tommy Bowe. Bing bong. Hello. Welcome to Smosh Mouth. I'm Shane. And I'm Amanda. And we have a very special guest with us today, Tommy Bo. Bing bong. Hello. Hello, Tommy Bo.

Hello. What are we doing today, you two? Oh, very excited. We are reading some dumb sketches we've all written. Yes. Rejected sketches. My sketches, I feel like, are ones that I wrote and pitched. And they were like, great, we're not going to do those, but that's awesome. Yeah.

My sketches are ones that from a while ago that I either wrote and was like, well, no one will ever make this or because it's like too hard to make or like, and the other one is a character bit that I retired a long time ago that I turned into a sketch. So that's rejected from myself. And I wrote both of these this week. That's awesome. Just,

uh, and no thinking, just wrote them out, did not reread them. So, you know, I assumed they'd be rejected. Great.

I love that. Those are like my favorite sketches. Oh, they're the best. Well, you know, ham cake, ham cake was awesome.

Ham cake. Right. Exactly. Which we did on bit city, not technically a rejected sketch anymore. Now that it's on, no, now itcake was awesome. Hamcake. Right, exactly. Which we did on Bit City. Not technically a rejected sketch anymore, now that it's on Bit City. No, now it's a selected sketch. That's so true.

Maybe they'll select one of our sketches next. Maybe they will. We'll see. And probably not mine, because like I was saying to you guys earlier, the biggest thing about the one, the first one I'm going to read, not first, but like when I read it,

is that people were like, this is like a short. This is not a... It's not funny. No funny no it's funny it's long and like there's thought see i read it and i think it's so funny okay i'll think it could just be me okay before we get into them though uh once again it didn't happen last week but we are close to bingo apparently right uh bingo cards with all of our mannerisms and stupid stuff we do on them uh and apparently one of us is close to to bingo, apparently. Right. Bingo cards with all of our mannerisms and stupid stuff we do on them. And apparently one of us is close to hitting bingo. I don't know who.

It's probably me. I think my bet's on Amanda. Yeah. It's probably me. Okay. Yeah. And if you win, I get $1,000. What?

Yeah. You don't get anything, but I get $1,000. I didn't know there was money involved in this. Sure is. Yeah. Wow. Just Tommy gets $1,000. Yes. Yeah. That's just how it goes. That's how it goes around here. That's how the rules are. I didn't know there was money involved in this. Sure is. Yeah. Wow. Just Tommy gets $1,000. Yes.

Yeah. That's just how it goes. That's how it goes around here. That's how the rules are. I run this place. Wow. That's where the money's going. That'd be awesome.

We have so many sketches. Do we want to start reading them now? We should start. Yeah, let's do it. Okay. Who first? Me first? Okay.

You first. Pass it out. I wrote this sketch. This is a very character-driven sketch, and honestly, it was a character that I imagined for Amanda. It's called Satan. The title of the sketch is called Hell. Written by Satan. Written by Satan.

So, Tommy, if you could play Satan. Of course. Is there any kind of voice or vibe you want me to be? You choose. Okay. You know, it's Satan. And then, Amanda, if you can play Frisco. Okay. You know, it's Satan. And then Amanda, if you can play Frisco. Oh.

And then I will read the stage direction. And Linda, I'm guessing? And I'll also be Linda. Okay, cool. Can I say something really quick? Do you know how excited I get when I get a new script and we have to table read it? I'm giddy. I get giddy.

I love it. And I'm excited for my, this is the best. I love writing so much. Okay. Okay. Here we go. Okay. This is the best.

Interior hell, Satan's office, hell. We enter Satan's office, a cave of red and black rocks with large stalagmites and stalactites stretching up and down along its sides. Seated at a large mahogany desk in the middle of this space, we see Satan, a massive

red-muscled beast of a demon, writing something onto a scroll with a large skeletal bird feather. He presses an intercom on his desk. Hey Linda, remind me to torment everyone later. Of course, Mr. Satan. Thanks, Linda. He goes back to writing as he casually whistles. Suddenly, there is a cracking noise

from a nearby wall. Satan perks up at it. Rocks begin to loosen and fall away as a small hole begins to appear. Then a human hand reaches forth. A what the fuck? The hands push the rocks further out, revealing Frisco, 40s, a bald dude with a soul patch. He's wearing capris, a helmet, and a dirty Hooters t-shirt. In his hand is a selfie stick with a GoPro.

He speaks to his GoPro. Okay, we found another clearing. This one appears to be pretty massive. Probably limestone. I think this is limestone. Not sure. Who the fuck are you? Oh, nice.

A fellow caver. What's up, dude? I'm Frisco. I do cave content on TikTok. You've probably seen it. Satan presses the intercom. Linda, did I have an appointment with Frisco? No, Mr. Satan.

I see no record of a dead or dying Frisco. Wait, you're living? The dream, my man, the dream. Breezing and squeezing with easing. You know what I mean. How the fuck did you get down here? Well, I was scoping an unmapped cave, right? When I came to a drop-off point that splintered, so I decided to pinch, pinch it!

You know what I mean? No. Then I kept making me way down, finding an opening. Then I found another hole, which if you know me, you know if I see a hole, I'm getting in it. What? Made my way to another clearing, then kept going. I'd say

this is probably clearing number... Nine. This is the ninth level of hell. You're in hell. You know, caving gets a bad rap, but for me, it's heaven. You picking up what I'm putting down, home slice? Look, I could get in a lot of trouble for having a living person here in hell.

There's rules to this, and... Wait, what are you doing? Frisco is climbing into a hole nearby. Hey, you ever checked this hole out looks like it leads further down what uh no i don't i don't even know where that goes frisco is squeezing into it yeah yeah i think i can wedge myself in here gonna scoop it out no wait frisco disappears interior mega hell continuous mega sat Satan is sitting at his desk when suddenly the rocks nearby begin to move a little.

Um, what the frick? That's crazy. Yay! That's awesome. That is so fucking good. I don't know if you get served caving content on TikTok. I sure don't. I know that you do, though.

It's these clips of dudes, and it's truly, they're holding a selfie stick, and it is so, it's rocks, and they're they're like all right so we're coming through a clearing here it's awful and they're they're all these dudes who are speaking so casually while they're like okay yeah so i can barely get my hands through here and i just gotta tuck through and i'm like what i'm claustrophobic i'll have a panic attack if i watch it absolutely not i i kind of do when i'm watching it but i'm like what's your goal? To get to hell? Like, where are you going?

So I wrote, and I'm like, I think they could get to hell and they would be unafraid. Yeah. I mean, I'm honored about Frisco so much. We can totally work out the voice if you didn't enjoy that, but like, I love Frisco.

He's definitely very much just your grip guy if he was into caving. Oh, I fucking love that. Very much the vibe. Like a casual dude just hanging out. He's I fucking love that. Soul Patch sold it for me. Very much the vibe, like a casual dude just hanging out. He's just living the life. Exactly. He's not bothered by Satan or Mega Satan.

No. What the frick? What the frick? What the frick? Love Mega Satan. This is so good, Shane, because I agree. I personally cave. I just don't understand it. And these guys are so casual. I'm like, you're literally unable to move and you have thousands of feet of earth above you and you're fine. Can't do it.

You're wild. No. I don't know if it's like an adrenaline junkie thing, but it feels like it is. Yeah. You won't catch me jumping from a plane. You won't catch me going into the earth. No. I like staying right where I'm at.

Yeah. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm giving out complete misinformation. But you know that Free Solo movie? The guy who climbed that. Oh my God. I saw that in theaters. Climbed that mountain without any gear or rope or anything.

I remember. I think they did tests on him and they're like, yeah, he doesn't feel fear. No. He's incapable of feeling fear. Do you remember that doc though? One of the greatest parts was his girlfriend. He was like, I love you. I love you. And he's like, I don't know if I'm gonna

make it or not. He was just so... She's like, I love you. They won an award for that. A big award for Free Solo. It's an incredible movie. But it is agonizing to watch. You'll never see me watching that. It's a lot. solo it's an incredible movie wow but it is agonizing terrifying i can't i'll know you'll never see me watching that it's a lot yeah i would rather do that than cave though for sure

i'd rather climb up a hill yeah no cliff face with no rope or gear then then get down into the earth yes because if i fall i fall but if i'm stuck down there i'm stuck down being dead an option because that's what i'd pick over those two, I think. Because it would happen either way. Yeah, you will die. But I'd rather like just kind of go. Just. You'd rather just leave your body. Yes, than have to.

He'd rather peace. I'd rather peace. That's fair. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. If it's a flat or a squeal, a wobble or peel, your dread's worn down or you need a new wheel. Wherever you go, you can get a pro at Tread Experts. Conquer rugged terrain with on-road comfort. Until June 15th, receive up to $60 on a prepaid MasterCard

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Shall we read yours? Yes. All right. Here we go. That was very, very fun. Here we go. Okay. Let me think about That was very, very fun. Here we go. Okay. Let me think about, let me think about casting.

This is called the haunted house for the 1%. So this is a haunted house for the 1%. I'm going to have Amanda do Jangelica. Of course. That is of course the name. Of course. I will do all of the, you know, the directions here. So just so you know, Jangelica's like really excited about this.

She's really excited about this. Okay. Okay. And, right. And then I'll have you play Suzanne, Shane. Okay. And I'll be part of the group as well. Okay.

And I think that's everyone. I'll, I'll play the doctor and the woman and child as well. Okay. Thank God. Okay. All right, here we go.

I'm so excited. Exterior haunted house entrance at the front doorway of a house stands Janjelica Monroe, an extremely rich woman in her late fifties. She wears huge diamond jewelry and has very shiny hair. In front of her, our collection of 10 wealthy individuals. Hello, friends and family. I, Jangelica Monroe, welcome you to the preview night of The Haunted House for the 1%. Jangelica throws her hands up to present the house. We zoom out to see a two-story middle-class American home. The group applauds. God, it gives me goosebumps just looking at it. Okay, everyone, pop their Xanax and come

with me, if you dare. Jangelica opens the door for the group. Interior, haunted house entrance. They all enter the first room. It's not what you'd expect. Cobwebs, darkness, etc. Instead, it's just a regular home. There's a table that says complimentaryimentary Waters. Jangelica with whimsy guides the tour toward it. What could that be? Ooh, Complimentary Waters? She picks one up and shows it to the group. But they're not sparkling!

The group is lightly startled and look to each other, enjoying the fear. She pulls their attention back. Now this first room will have a jump scare where someone enters and says, actually, I am the manager. But then he says, actually, I'm your manager. A woman, Suzanne, shrieks from the group. Suzanne, manners, please.

Remember, people work for us, not the visa visa. Not visa visa. Okay, everyone, the first room is waiting. Us, not the visa visa. Not visa visa. Okay, everyone, the first room is waiting. They all walk into the first room, interior first room of the haunted house. Janjelica leads the group inside. Immediately, a lanky teenage boy in a Starbucks outfit pops in.

Actually, I am the manager. Suzanne shrieks again. Suzanne! Really? Really? Janjelica turns to the boy. This is the preview. What did I tell you?

Save it for tomorrow. Yes, mother. He leaves. Janjelica gestures to a corner of the room. There, a phone sits on a desk. The chair at the desk is faced toward the corner away from the guests. The phone begins ringing. A phone.

Ringing. Ringing. A phone! Ringing, ringing, ringing. But your assistant, where is your assistant? The chair turns around. Sound effects of a thunderclap plays with an accompanying flashing light. The chair is empty. Who will coordinate the event? Suzanne lets out a small,

No! Yes, yes, Suzanne, yes. Now what could be next in Jangelica Monroe's haunted house for the 1%? Interior room two, haunted house hallway. Jangelica opens the door, showing a long hallway. Incited are a group of eight unhoused people. They're chill and minding their business. Oh no, it looks like our driver is nowhere to be found.

We'll have to walk through Skid Row! Come on! She runs through the group of unhoused people who pay her no mind. She has her arms up, guarding her head while shouting, Don't look them in the eye! They're not people!

The group makes it to the other end of the hallway, catching their breath through heavy breathing. Did anyone else feel like we could help them, but we don't want to? The group nods and agrees. Of course, yes. Why would I want to do that? Of course, what?

You're late. It's all good. So in it. Right. Okay. Now, on to one of the scariest rooms we have. Jangelica opens the door and the group takes in their surroundings. It's the inside of a hospital room.

A woman patient sits happily in the hospital bed with a child sitting beside her. A doctor stands beside the two. Oh my god! My life-threatening disease has been cured! I love you, mom! I thought I was gonna lose you! The child begins crying and holding the mom the woman thank you doctor thank you what do i owe you the doctor turns to the group he grins what do you mean health care is free another lightning clap and flashing light suzanne yelps and falls to the floor fainting the kind where you don't actually lose consciousness. Janjelica runs to her side, fanning her.

Suzanne! My God! Healthcare for all isn't real, and it will never be! Suzanne regains consciousness. Now, we need to get to our last room. My husband tells me it's the scariest of them all. He's even kept it a secret from me. Interior, final room.

Janjelica opens the door. There's just an envelope on the floor. She scoffs. An envelope? Okay. Jeff? It's G-E-O-F-F, by the way. Okay, G-F.

Very scary. She picks it up. She reads the words written on the envelope. To Jangelica. She opens the words written on the envelope. To Jangelica. She opens the envelope to reveal a stack of paperwork. Jangelica's face drops. The host act is over. A divorce? But I signed a prenup! I don't have any money! The room gasps, then giggles.

No! No! No, no, no. Suzanne steps forward. Poor Janjelica. Poor Janjelica. Fuck you, Suzanne. The group starts chanting, Poor Janjelica. Poor Janjelica.

They point and laugh. The laughing and chanting gets louder and more intimidating. Janjelica's practically shrinking in the room. No, no. Poor Janjelica. I have worth. Poor Janica's practically shrinking in the room. No, no. Poor Janjelica. I have worth. Poor Janjelica. I have power.

No, no, no. Exterior haunted house entrance. Over Janjelica's screams, we pull away from the house as the title comes on screen. The Haunted House for the 1%. Wow. Holy shit. I see her melting like the Wicked Witch.

No, no, no. And then the house is on top of her legs readable holy shit yeah when did you write this i don't know like five years ago oh my god so unfortunate it feels so real i know it's still very much the same holy shit this is so good like what inspired first of all jangelica monroe jangelica monroe perfect you can't yeah it's the best name inspired jangelica um i had a a long time ago i think it was like 2018 honestly maybe 17 i don't know i had a character show and it was the halloween the halloween one and so i needed to come up with like a halloween character bit and so it's a little bit different than what this turned out to be because i turned it into you know a script a sketch with other people in it um that one was a little bit more like and now

this room where there's i was basically just telling everyone what the different rooms were while reacting um but yeah i just you know i i think rich people are evil and so i wanted to uh you know make fun of them. I love that flip at the end. Oh, yeah. It's her haunted house. Yeah. And Suzanne being like, poor. Suzanne kind of also sucks at the same time.

Oh, she's always. She's freaking the fuck out. I love it. But Janjelica is the type of woman that does have a little like comrade next to her. Who's like. Exactly. She controls. And she's like.

She's controlling. Right. And then at the end, there's an uprising right i also like telling someone who's screaming in a haunted house to manners please i think that's so funny to be like quiet yeah that's what you want but then it's for the one percent it's for the one percent it feels like a clue like old old clue movie vibes yeah that was the vibe incredible i love it thank you for thank you for reading your sketch you wrote would have a character named jangelica monroe yeah jangelica jangelica monroe and then jeff spelt g e o f f jeff so rich oh my god okay

yay another one okay here we go wait yes here we go sometimes reading a script is just as good as having it done literally i love table reading so much imagination is powerful it really is okay guys so this one i wrote maybe two years ago or a year and a half ago and i loved it so much and when i pitched it i felt like i was pitching it and i was just enjoying it just as much just for me like it feels like a me enjoy birthday lady v2 birthday lady oh yeah i got notes on it whoa because because it was like oh and then finally it was like listen i love this we can't do it it's not a sketch nice that's awesome you're right i wanted to just write.

And they told you this was more of a short, right? They told me this was more of a short. Okay. But I still love it so much. Okay. The only thing is there's only two people in it. Fuck me. I'm happy to read stage direction or something.

Okay. Shane, you read stage. Got it. Tommy, you are Melissa. Okay. I am Marla you yeah who's Melissa Melissa's just like

it's she's working a shift at an inn she's like she's just doing her job I'm just doing my job she's not super mean but she's also not like

the friendliest right she's just doing her job she's literally doing her job and her shift's like about to end so it's that kind of vibe okay of like her shift's about to end

so I'm just I'm tired yeah and I'm gonna do my. And I'm gonna do my job and I'm gonna do it right, but I'm not putting on anything extra. Exactly. Got it. Cool. Okay. Okay. Interior, bed and breakfast. A front desk employee, Melissa, annoyed

is on the phone. Uh-huh. Only about 10 rooms were a small bed and breakfast. An older woman, Marla, prances into the lobby. She checks the free coffee. It's empty. Yep, all booked up. Anything else? All right, thank you for calling me, Kasa, as to Kasa Inn.

Goodbye. Melissa lets out a sigh. Hello. I'm a guest here. Hi, my name is Marla. My husband are in the sunrise suite, the one looking over the river. I actually haven't been able to see the sunrise yet because there's very large pole

that blocks the sun where it comes from the trees. Did you need anything in particular? Oh, well, it's my birthday. I'm 65 years young. She waits. And your coffee is out and it's actually it's been out all day and um i was trying to be patient this morning but i didn't see the sunrise or get any coffee so i just thought oh maybe they filled it but it's still empty and your website says

complimentary coffee every day there's not even sugars or little little creamers oh all right um well the kitchen is on a break so the kitchen is on a break so when they open again i'll have them make some coffee for you oh great so coffee by dinner time that'll keep me up all night if i have a cup okay thank you you're welcome. And your name? Melissa. Oh, hi, Melissa. I'm Marla. Melissa types for a bit. Marla walks around aimlessly. Happy birthday, Marla.

Marla runs over excited. Oh, thank you. This is actually my birthday sweater. I wear it every year. And I added all these rhinestones myself. And I made these earrings they're little koi fish looks like they're swimming right

the phone rings Melissa picks it up Marla speeds up so my daughter brought me to a jewelry class it's hard to do but the teacher said I was actually really skilled how can I help you no we don't have baby goats that's the end down the street thank you she hangs up baby goats. That's the end down the street. Thank you. She hangs up.

Baby goats? For what? Yoga, I'm guessing. Oh, I'll have to check that out. Melissa goes back to typing. Marla checks the coffee again. Still out. She picks up a book.

It's glued to other books. Oh, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Oh my God, Melissa. All these books are glued together. Oh yeah, it's just for decor no one really ever picks them up oh oh so they're not real oh on your website you guys list that the lobby has a bunch of cozy nooks for reading and that you're essentially a library here even on your instagram you have all these pictures of people reading books.

So of course I didn't bring a book. Yeah, I don't handle our social media. So yeah, sorry about that. Oh, so you don't even get to see those pictures. Shoot. I really, I really, really wanted to read on my birthday. Okay. Um, I have some pamphlets here about what's fun to do in the area, if you want to read that. Oh, great. So I'll see all the fun things I can do that I wouldn't possibly be able to fit in because we're only here for two days. Then my FOMO will be through the roof.

But thank you. You're welcome. She sits down, humming, disappointed. Melissa tries to type and focus, but can't. Is there anything else you need, Marla? Oh, no, I'm just waiting for the class to start. What class? The creative writing class.

On your website under events, it said you guys were hosting it today. Here, in the lobby. It said they'd supply everyone with their own spiral notebook and muffins i'm going to be writing a short story about the first time i got my period and how traumatic that was for a girl growing up in the 50s especially when her mother was deep in the church oh um did it say on our events? She looks on the computer. Huh? Yes, it does. You know, I... That's me. Oh, shit.

My bad. Sorry. Yeah. Oh, it does. You know, I haven't even heard from the guy teaching it, so I don't think... Wait. So there's no creative writing class today? On my birthday?

On my birthday? No. I think you're the only one who showed up, so I think it's safe to say no. Marla starts to cry. I have a notepad and pen over here. You're more than welcome to use it. Sure. Yeah.

A notepad where the pages rip out so easily and I could lose a whole chapter in an instant. But okay. Thanks. Melissa brings it over to Marla, who's crying on the couch. I'm sorry. It's okay. Wait. She grabs Melissa's hand hard.

Can you start the fire? Because it hasn't been lit the entire time we've been here. And the website said tonight was champagne and love notes where we write future notes to ourselves and burn it in the fire. And it's not even lit. And this sweater, this sweater isn't warm. It's just for show. Oh, right. So our wood is wet. What?

Someone left all the wood out by the outdoor shower. So it's just, it's been getting soaked. It's. I didn't even know you had an outdoor shower. It's not listed. Well, I'll get new wood and light it tonight. Oh, tonight. If it's a flat or a squeal, a wobble or peel, your dread's worn down or you need a new wheel.

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These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. I mean, by the time it gets lit, it might not even be my birthday anymore. I, um... Please, please, please, Melissa. I'm missing my granddaughter's first communion to be here. I just need one day about me. Just one day. Melissa slips her hand free. How about I give you a bottle of champagne? Oh, okay, great.

I mean, if I have a whole bottle, I'll have to sleep sitting up because the heartburn will be so bad. Okay. Melissa walks off. Marla begins to write. Thank you, Melissa. Okay.

It was 1957. I arose from my bed and my stomach began to churn. Ouch, I thought. This must be my period, I thought. I went to my mother. She shook her head. The church, I thought. We didn't speak for years after that.

Marla gets up and tries the coffee one more time. Still out. But it says on the website. Blackout. Oh, my God. See why that's not a sketch and a short film? Dude. I wrote that for me.

For me. You're just having a great time. But it's my birthday. But it's my birthday. But it's my... This is a 100% inspiration of my mother. Really? 100? My mom goes to places and she wants all the amenities.

If it's written, it doesn't give a fuck if she doesn't eat it or drink it. She wants it. She wants the option. She wants the amenities. And this is what she's like a lot when you go away. I feel bad for Marla. I'm like, she just wants to talk to someone. I know.

She just wants to hang out. Oh, man. It's a play. It's more like a play. This is awesome. How common it is. Like, I experience this with like older dudes, I think a lot,

where you're just out and an older dude just starts talking to you. Yeah. And you're just like, you just want to talk to same man same yeah but unfortunately like all my sisters know that this is my mom she will not be satisfied until she gets all the free stuff and she then she wants us as her daughters to also get all the free stuff and then make sure we like go and use it and And she'll be very upset. It'll be like midnight.

And she's like, did you go use the spa? Did you use the, did you drink the spa water? Because it's there. You need to drink it. Has she ever signed up for like, like how they offer classes and stuff at hotels?

Yeah. 100%. Really? Never heard of anyone doing that. Me either. They all have them. This also was inspired because H and I went away for Christmas but they had a really bad snowstorm

and they had a lot of things on the website and we were waiting in the lobby and we were like, oh, champagne and love notes, so cute. And we were the only ones there and she was like, yeah, I don't know, it's totally canceled because he's not the guy that showed up. So that's real.

A lot of this is also real and definitely happened to me. And I was like, oh, I'm my mother. I'm my mother. I think you're gonna, I think someday when you're in your 60s,

you're gonna do this to people just for fun. Oh, wow. You'll be having a blast. It'll be like a troll session. Just going to the, I just picture a woman going to the coffee

and she knows it's out. She didn't see anyone refill it, but she's gonna go do it one more time. She's gonna keep going back and go, just to see. It's out! She didn't see anyone refill it, but she's going to go do it one more time. She's going to keep going back and go, it's out! On my birthday.

There you guys go. I think my favorite part was the 65 years young. She waits. Just like the... And Melissa's like, welcome to Mikasa Tsukasa. She feels like a White Lotus character. Yeah.

She does. I mean, she is very like, what's her name? That's why I love White Lotus. Clarazapan? Yeah. Parker Posey, yeah. Just very coded in that way.

Parker Posey's character triggers me. I don't know why. Me too. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Because I'm just like, where are,

wake up. Wake up. Come around. Wake up. Come on. Well, I have my next sketch. Yay. Let's do it.

This one, I forgot to put the title on It's called Excel Championship So I was trying to write a sketch And I was like I need a suggestion And Rachel Was like oh Here's something and she sent me a link

And there are actual Excel spreadsheet Championships held in Las Vegas Got it Excel like document Not like extra large. Like making a spreadsheet. And so they. What? It's held in giant convention centers.

Of course it is. Bunch of computers? Bunch of computers that are projected onto big screens for everyone to see the sheets that they're making and the graphs and all that stuff. So I was like, you know what? This is great. So you'll play Rip Box and I'll play Dean Havoc. Nice.

Tommy, if you could play all the contestants, all the competitors. Okay. And then also... The directions? And also give stage direction. Okay, great. Happy to. Great.

Okay. Interior Las Vegas Convention Center, night. We enter on Excel 2025 Championship, a real event that actually happens every year that Rachel told me about. Anyways, we see Box and Havoc, two radio DJs who are in a commentator booth that is miraculously floating midair.

Welcome back to the 2025 Excel Spreadsheet Championships here in Las Vegas. I'm Rip Box here with my co-host, Dean Havoc. Thanks, Rip. We've already had a stunning series of events today. A lot of formulas and graphs and other shit. That's right, Dean. Look, I gotta be honest. I don't really know shit

about fuck when it comes to this shit. I dabbled in MS paint back in my day, but drew a few boobs. But this is the big leagues. Indeed it is, Rip. These competitors are the real deal. Now let's meet our next contenders. First up, we got Jared Bunk from Sarasota.

We see a sizzle reel of Jared. He's exactly who you'd think an Excel champion would look like. We see spinning shots of him in a dark lit room with close-ups of his sweaty face behind his spectacles. We see him typing intensely at a computer as VO of his voiceover plays over. I'm Jared.

I'm 35. I've been using Excel since the 90s, and I think my specialty in pie charts is going to come in handy today. Very cool. Love pie. Next up. Jesus.

Next up, we got Mickey Rogers from Irwindale. We see a sizzle of Mickey, a short, balding guy. I'm Mickey. I love Excel. It's really good. Nice. Mysterious. Finally, let's see here.

We have Victor Novikov from Belarus. We see Victor, a massive six foot six monster of a man with a beard and buzzed mohawk. He is wearing only tight shorts designed for a wrestler and is covered in tattoos. Victor Novikov, I excel at kill you. We now see the three competitors at their respective computers. Jared and Mickey both shift around nervously as we pan over to Victor, who is staring them down coldly. Going to be a really interesting matchup here today, Rip. Mickey tends to be more formula-focused

while Jared tends to rely on graphs. Yeah, that's right, Dean. And Victor will present an interesting challenge as he's versed in Brazilian jiu-jitsu and knife fighting. The ref blows the whistle and the competitors begin their sheets. Right off the bat, we see Mickey building

a nice deck of correlating numbers and a satisfying color coordination. Yeah, Jared's off to a hot start with several pie charts already formed. We then see Victor's sheet, which is an entirely empty sheet, except for one box in the corner where he slowly types out something. Victor appears to be writing what looks like a name. I believe it says Nancy Bunk. Jared looks over at Victor's computer

and begins to freak out. He's now writing what looks like an address. 300 West Olive Grove? Jared stands up, terrified. That's my mom's house! Oh my god! Mom! Jared flees. Ooh, and Jared has left the ring,

which is an instant DQ. You hate to see it. Some people just can't handle the big leagues. Mickey's sheet is looking incredible. Wow, Mickey is absolutely in the lead right now. Just look at the details on that sheet. Gonna be really hard for Victor to

catch up at this rate. We pan over to see Victor has disappeared. Oh, and Victor appears to have vanished completely from the stage. A shocking turn of events, which means Mickey has won the championship. Mickey slowly stands up and turns to the audience, face cold and neutral. He slowly reaches a hand up to his face and pulls a face mask off, revealing himself to be Victor in disguise.

Oh my god! Victor at the last second with a fake out! What an absolutely stunning finish by Novikov. A one for the history books. Victor is rushed by the crowds and showered with flowers and medals as he stares forward expressionless. Well, Dean, this has been an honor. Big thanks to Excalibur for hiring us as their host for this event

tonight. And a big shout out to Spike TV. This isn't airing on Spike TV, but I just wanted to shout it out. The earth explodes. Solid TV. This isn't airing on Spike TV, but I just wanted to shout it out. The earth explodes. Solid ending. Spike TV. What an old fucking reference. So Victor for sure killed that other guy. Yeah, I think he killed him. He

threatened them both. And he's probably threatening the other guy's mom. No, because Rachel was telling me about it and I was like, it'd be really funny if in prep for this championship, one of the dudes just did a bunch of steroids, and it didn't help him. It didn't help him. It just did not help him whatsoever. With XL spreadsheet at all.

But then I'm just imagining a UFC fighter entering the XL championship. God, I mean, this made me miss Box and Havoc so much. Oh, dude, I love Box and Havoc. What's that? That's for darts. They were the commentators they've only been once they've only been

there once but we love them one of my favorite characters to play yeah we just went on for hours now they're gonna

come back now maybe they'll come back that was so much fun all we have to do is rent out a convention center in Vegas

to shoot this yeah no problem probably be cheap I would love to go to an XL would I honestly I think it's so niche it would be really fun to look at would i honestly it sounds i think it would be i

think it's so niche it would be really fun i said it and then i was like what i after a few hours i'd be like i still don't get what's going on so now i don't care a few hours is plenty but maybe there'd be like excel merch imagine like two little earrings that are like expel excel spreadsheets i would love to see the big merch that is earrings. Pretty good. Probably a t-shirt that's like Excel. Nice. Or earrings. Nice. Why not both?

I should make merch for them. Yeah. I think you have a future in that. I think I should. I love that there's a championship for like everything. I know. There really is. People want to celebrate.

Why not make everything a competition? They want awards. People want to know that they're winning in life. Yeah. That's true. But forever ago when I heard that there are legitimate Scrabble championships, and I was like, oh, this is serious. Dead serious.

That was funny to me. And then to find out Excel, like something that I didn't think of as a competition or a game, but they've turned it into it. I'm like, damn, okay. Anything that's qualified as a skill, I guess, is a competition. When can we rest?

Never. Okay. Tommy? All right, I am not going to preface this one with a title. We're just gonna hop into it. Oh my God, yay. Good.

I will be reading for mom. Yes. Amanda, you will be Jen. Shane, you will be, what's the boy's name is it ben i'll be the other guy you'll be the boy you'll be the son whatever the son's name is bobby bobby um and then shane could you also read actually no i'll read the i'll read this i guess it's a lot of me reading that's okay that's okay okay interior kitchen morning title what will happen a mom puts two plates of breakfast down on the table she yells upstairs kids breakfast is ready

the two kids oh when one mom two kids bobby and jen eat breakfast at the table they love their mom hey mom breakfast looks great title gets possessed by interior bedroom night. The mom is asleep in her bed alone. The door cracks open, but nobody is there. Suddenly she's pulled from under the sheets into the hall. Title, the ghost of another mom. Quick, scary flashes of a female ghost holding a strainer of spaghetti,

tying a small shoe and smiling, reading a book with glasses too far down her nose, black. Then a repeat of the previous morning, interior kitchen morning, except this time, the mom has black eyes and pale skin. She puts two plates of breakfast on the table. Her voice is now deep and scary, but her tone doesn't change.

Kids, breakfast is ready! Bobby and Jen run downstairs to the table. Hey, Mom, breakfast looks great! Bobby leans into Jen. Is something different with Mom? Looks like Mom to me. Shane, you'll also be the medium. Interior grocery store queue.

The mom is at the checkout, mouth open with bugs crawling out of it. The cashier looks at her, terrified. Mary, an older woman, calls out from behind. Carol, is that you? The mom's head rotates 180 degrees to face her. Oh, hi, Mary. Nice to see you. The mom finishes the other 180 degrees to face the cashier.

Do you take coupons? Interior kids' bedroom night. Jen and Bobby sit on the ground in front of a Ouija board. Their hands move the planchette over the letter M. Bobby writes the letter M to finish a sentence. They look at their notes. The sentence reads, clean your room. Interior living room night. An overnight cam on fast forward the living room is peaceful and empty until a picture

frame falls off the wall glass shatters onto the floor after the moment after a moment the mom enters floating inches off the ground head thrown backwards she vacuums the glass off the floor and fast forward interior living room day objects from the room orbit the mom as she floats menacingly. She growls until a set of keys orbit in front of her eyeline. Oh, here they are. As she grabs the keys, the other objects crash to the floor along with the mom. Interior living room day.

The front door opens, revealing an odd woman with beads and drapey clothing. She's a medium. The mom looks even more possessed than before. You must be the medium my kids called. Come on inside. Thank you. Yes, please. Chamomile? They both say chamomile.

Chamomile? The two chuckle. Ha ha ha ha ha. Coming right up. The mom's body launches across the room, slamming into the wall. The sounds of bones breaking as she crawls backwards into the kitchen. Interior living room day later, the medium holding two kids back up in fear.

She bumps into a cabinet, which knocks out a single plate. It hits the floor and shatters. The possessed mom angrily wails, my China! We see the mom floating intensely. The mom flies at the medium in anger, picks her up and whips her through the window in a delightful manner.

She says, text us when you get home safe. Interior bedroom night. The kids are cowering in their beds. The door creeps open and a shadow rushes into the room. The mom's voice sings an eerie lullaby as the kids try to locate her. The sheets move on their own, tucking in the kids. Suddenly the mom is hunched in the doorframe. I love you so much. The sheets move on their own, tucking in the kids. Suddenly, the mom is hunched

in the doorframe. I love you so much. The door slams. Title, The Possession of My Mom. Cut to, here's a little like after scene, interior laundry room,

a calm shot of dirty laundry. A scream as a shadow rushes through the room, leaving the clothes perfectly folded. Title, In Theaters 2017. Yeah!

Damn! This is so good! This is so... I wrote this almost 10 years ago. I love it. Yeah. It's giving me... More water, sugar water.

Exactly. Men in Black vibe. I just like the idea of a mom, like a caricature mom getting possessed by a caricature mom, so nothing changes. She's just possessed doing the same shit. My China.

I love so much like giving a casual answer and then just like flying against a wall. I'll get that. Bones are broken. Yeah, that's my favorite bit. I love possession shit so much. I love that. It was my go-to during this era. I was like, you know, how can we heighten this?

Oh, he'll get possessed. It's always a great heightener. I love possession stuff. I wanted to bring this thing, but here's the thing. I didn't write the sketch. I just pitched the idea. Okay. And we got to perform it on stage.

And I had this idea of this 13-year-old girl who lives with her dad. And her dad's a single dad. And he's trying to date. And he has a new girlfriend over. Oh, boy. And the little girl is so fucking possessed but the dad is so unaware he just thinks she's getting her period he's like oh she must be huh she's man having a having a daughter is hard and the woman's like your daughter is possessed because every time i come in i'm like daddy i'm hungry daddy and then i lift up my dress and like frogs and me and the new girlfriend like have a whole fight and i eat a whole chicken i'm like

you die she's like you're a bitch and the dad's like man women hormones it's really hard being a dad that's so funny because i i just fucking love possession possession so fun should we just do a whole episode on possessionession? We should. That'd be fun. See, I love the flip of the possessed stuff doing insane shit and them just being like, yeah, I can't believe. Yeah, so fun. No, I like that too.

That's really fun. That's amazing. That was really, really good. Thank you. We good for this last one? Let's do it. This one is bad. Pretty bad.

That's great. I wrote this one, I think also 10 years ago. Okay, wonderful. And it's amazing how much I've learned. Oh no, I did it. 2018.

How long ago was that? 10 years ago. No, that's eight years ago. Eight years ago. Okay. So, or seven years ago. Seven years ago.

I wrote this one and I reread it real quick and I was like, wow, I really needed a lesson on how to write a sketch. I was like, where is this going, Amanda? Where are the beats? I see the game, but where are we going?

And I decided to bring it in to humble myself. Thank you. And I love the URL at the bottom. Yeah. Celtics. Oh, yeah. That's what I used when I used to write. Celtics.com. Celtics.com. Because you could do a write on it and it was free. I know Yeah

Okay guys Who's who And what's going on Closing time Who's who And what's going on Is so true Okay

Shit You're gonna play Woman and guy Whoa So separate them How you want It's always what I do Separate

And they're Me every day And they're so sweet They're really sweet people Okay Okay I'll play cat And you're so sweet. They're really sweet people. Okay. Okay. I'll play Kat, and you're going to play Lish.

Lish. Do you want me to read stage directions, then? I'll read stage directions. Okay. This is called Closing Time. In parentheses, Amanda Leehan. Which means I wrote it, I guess. Open on interior coffee shop.

Light jazz music playing. Two employees, Kat and Lish, behind counter. Open on. Interior coffee shop. Light jazz music playing. Two employees, Kat and Lish, behind counter. Kat is looking at her watch. Lish wiping the counter. A guy customer sits at a table sipping coffee and reading. Angry. Five more minutes, Lish, and we are closing up shop. I'm in full agreement with you, Kat. This guy has got to go.

God, customers. They hang out until the last possible minute i swear they do this shit on purpose they they like to torture us good people both girls not in agreement and they give a nasty look over at the guy sipping coffee and reading his book a woman abruptly enters the coffee shop hi sorry i'm late waves her over to sit with him. Hi. No, no. Come sit. Come sit. Oh, oopsie. Sorry. We're actually about to close in like two minutes.

So, like, sorry. Oh, I'm just coming in to say hi real quick. I won't even order anything. Woman runs over and Guy gives her a hug. They sit down. Oh, okay. Sure, sure, sure. Are you fucking kidding me? So deliberate. What a horrible woman. Woman is showing Guy pictures on her phone. The two can't hear the girls talking by the counter.

This is ridiculous. I've been here since 9am. I'm exhausted. I'm shutting down the music. Yup, make it dead silent in here. These people aren't gonna knock me down. Lish hits the off button hard on a little radio next to the cash register. Guy and woman are unfazed. They didn't even look up. just pretending to be on their phones fucking devil worshipers we know what you're trying to do excuse me uh what's your wi-fi real quick oh yeah sure um the network is coffee and the password is what is it again yummy oh that Oh, that's cute. Thanks. Super cute. Yep. Woman turns back to the guy.

Un-fucking- believable. Hands down, she's the rudest person I've ever met. Abso-fucking-lutely. People, they just amaze me with their negativity. Nope. Won't let them strip me of my positivity. And we still have to sweep up this place. These miserable people. It's just a lot. I'm like dehydrated.

They're just purposely trying to break us. Cat and Lish stare at Guy and Woman smiling on their phones. Let's just clean up right around them. Wrap up this sick little game they're playing once and for all. Yep, I've got the rag. Cat grabs the broom

and aggressively sweeps all around their table while Lish grabs a rag and wipes down their table. Lish grabs Guy's cup. Oops, one more sip left. Hands the cup. Sorry, there you go. I really appreciate it.

Sure. Cat is behind the couple, shaking her head and mouthing, What the fuck? Best coffee I've ever had, by the way. Aw, awesome. Yep, I'm so thankful. Cat and Lish return to Kat and Lish return to counter wiping it down

Guy and woman look back at their phones that douche he's trying to get under my skin dude so much sass yeah I'm just trying to like do my job over here it's like I'm jumping over hurdles god

that's it that's it I'm stacking the chairs I just can't even with these fucking people Lish begins to wipe down the counter while Kat loudly stacks chairs. Woman and Guy get up to leave.

Thanks for letting me pop in for a sec. Have a good day, girls. If it's a flat or a squeal, a wobble or peel, your dread's worn down or you need a new wheel, wherever you go, you can get a pro at Dread Experts. Conquer rugged terrain with on-road comfort. Until June 15th, receive up to $60 on a prepaid MasterCard when you purchase Kumo RoadVenture AT52 tires.

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Bye. Woman and guy leave. See you next time. Grateful for that. Thanks. Bye. Woman and guy leave. See you next time. Thanks for coming in. Bye. We just witnessed darkness. The devil had a child. It was that woman.

God, his dirty looks were like lasers right through me. I mean, my stomach is upset. Let's get out of here. A random boy walks in. Hey, ladies. Sorry to bother you, but I saw the doors open and I wanted to just come in and wish you a good day. Always wanted to stop in here. So, have a good one.

Boy leaves. Both girls shake their heads. What a sicko. I love that button so much. I just want to stop by and say have a great day. I just want to stop by and say have a great day, girls. See ya. What a sicko.

That's so funny. Okay, that's so funny okay that's closing time that's awesome i clearly wrote that based off of my own experiences every night working in a restaurant i mean i've you know as i've also restaurant and it's it's like when people do come in and you're like oh no please i'm trying to go home but it taking this twist on it is so funny like what a fuck it's like they're just like oh i'm just here for a moment they're always so nice they're like oh just come come in and look at your menu okay you can look at the menu but where's we're closing up yeah we are cool it's so hard to not like have your knife out when someone walks in you're like no no no no and the manager's always like we can keep it open for them if you want and you're like are you fucking kidding me why would you say that that means another hour I have to be here.

Right. Or more. Every restaurant always happens. There's always the last couple there and they've had the check forever.

And they're like, they've already paid it. They're like, oh my God, I know. And you're like, hey. I get it, you're having a romantic evening. But those people

are actually, there are people, there are actually people who are like, you need to know not to come in and stay too late. look around every once in a while yeah but i love that these two they're just like oh i'm just here for a moment yeah and they're like oh yeah of course totally i'm amazed because i either way whatever their intentions are i'm amazed by people who aren't just like aware of what how they might be imposing on other

people's day and like you see it so much i see it with like drivers mostly where like they're just like oh you just didn't even use your signal you just went into the other lane like oh wow you're not even thinking about other people yeah but that same thing i'm like some people just do not even think about it they're like oh it's it's they're about to close well whatever we can go in there that means it's still open it's still open like we'll just go in i'm like to just not even consider how you might be affecting other people's day yep i don't like going to a place if i know it's going to close in a half exactly exactly i'm like i don't want to go yeah i don't want to be that because we've because you know what it's it's like yeah and i have stacked chairs and like sweeped underneath people i've done it all there's a

there's a bar nearby us that we used to go to we were there one time and i don't think we realized that they were closing because there were actually quite a few other people there still oh the people who were closing and i thought it was awesome i was like you do that absolutely they started playing children's music loud it was like and we were all like oh they want us dead they want us dead and gone right now that's amazing i was like that i was like that's awesome because it works it does work i see people trying to close and they always it's music yeah or my not my favorite it actually bothers me so much they flip all the lights on. And you're like having a sexy conversation. It's candle lit.

And it's like, all right, when are you going home? Oh, I don't know. I don't know when I'm going home. I hope to be going home soon. And you're sitting right there. You're like in the bar and you're like, hope I go home soon. What's the longest after closing that you've ever seen someone just stick around? Almost an hour, I think.

Yeah. I've definitely had to have, I definitely had to go up them and it was uncomfortable and kick them out. Yeah. Like, hey guys, we actually are shutting the doors now. And how do they respond? They're like, oh. They're like, oh.

Yeah. They're like, they're like, oh yeah. All right. Well, we'll head out. I guess. Yeah. I guess we'll head out. It's always just like, oh.

Totally. Yeah. They don't, they literally don't. They don't. And don't they don't and again I was working on Larchmont all of my things come from Larchmont

which if you know Larchmont it's rich people who aren't that rich but are rich enough that want to prove that they're rich so they're extra awful and they wear black pajamas

all they do is wear black pajamas and then they're like I'm rich and you're like what wow you know like

like fitness wear but it's like oh yeah yeah yeah damn mine was Echo Park so it was like cool people who were like I'm rich. And you're like, okay. Wow. You know, like, like fitness wear, but it's like, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. Mine was like a park. So it was like cool people who were like, I'm just like, I'm just like us.

I'm a cigarette. I'm just like, I'm a cigarette. I'm a cigarette. I'm going to go out for a smoke. And it's like, okay, does that mean you want to pay your bill and go?

You get the fuck out of here. God, I do not, I do not miss those nights for anything. When you're sitting and you've done all your side work and you're just waiting. You're just waiting so that you can mop and stack. And then it's like $5 tip, $10 tip, maybe $20. Yeah.

And your manager's like, I don't know why, they're like super extra happy at that point. They're like, meh, I guess you just gotta wait. It's like, oh, because you're salaried, got it. Yeah, exactly. One time a guy tried to return an entirely eaten burger oh and i know what that's incredible i did laugh at him i was like no what i was like and then my manager was like tommy now you can't laugh at people but that was hilarious hilarious. It's like, Tommy, don't do that. What was his, what he's like this.

I think near the end, he decided that it was undercooked the whole thing, but there was no proof. There was like one little bite left. He chose the one little bite. It happens all the time. People are shameless. Oh yeah.

They're like, yeah, it really wasn't good. And I didn't enjoy it. And you're like, I'm so sorry about that. So it's the dad joke, but unironic.

Exactly. Where it's like, oh, how was the food? And they're like, hated it when they have an empty plate. Exactly. But they're actually saying, yeah, I hated it.

Yeah, well, that joke still happens all the time. We hated it. And the girl's always like, okay. Can we get some coffee? I'm like, it's 2 a.m. You fuckers need to go. You need to go to bed. One time, a couple was like, can we get some coffee i'm like it's 2 a.m you need to go to bed

one time that a couple was like can we get some coffee and i was like we're out and the manager was very it's my birthday the manager was very close to me was like we're not out we have some and i had already cleaned it of course a little too early but whatever and i was like you had to go brew more i brewed it but i like did like a pour over like a quick one and it was total shit and i gave it and the girl was like i'm sorry this coffee is just really really bad and i was just like i'm so sorry but it was out i'm sorry it's 2 a.m it's 2 a.m if you expect good coffee at 2 a.m fuck you they do they're like i'm glad the shamelessness that we got is doing improv on youtube and not the one where we're It's 2 a.m. If you expect good coffee at 2 a.m., fuck you. They do. They're like, hmm.

I'm glad the shamelessness that we got is doing improv on YouTube and not the one where we're shameless assholes in a restaurant. Agreed. Yeah. I'm grateful for that. I'll dance on a sidewalk listening to my music, but I will not. You will? Yeah, of course. I did that on the walk up today. I was like.

I find people who can do that so unbelievably brave. I don't think I have it in me yet. Oh, I just like my music. That's incredible. That's really cool. Anyway, let's do your third one. We're going to do my third one? Amanda, let's do your third one.

This was never supposed to see the light of day. You have a third one. Amanda has a third one. I only brought two. I'm so excited. This is the best day of my life. You're nervous about this one. Well, this is the best day of my life you're nervous about this one well this is also 2018

so still struggling on figuring out how to like perfectly write a sketch but this one is specifically based off of the older people at the Dresden Dresden is a bar in LA and there was this older couple who would like sing

and talk to the audience and I think one of them has passed away at this point. They're very old. They were very old but they were incredible. And I definitely pitched this and we didn't do it and I still very much enjoy it.

But they performed there I think for like decades. Decades. Okay. Will you be Gordie? I will be Gordie. I'll be Marie. Okay. Shane you be Gordy? I will be Gordy. I'll be Marie. Okay. Shane, you're going to do stage, and also you're going to be all the extras. Great. I think it's like girl alone.

Girl alone. Girl alone. So picture this smoky jazz bar, and you and me are going to sing, but we're going to try not to sing the song, the actual song. Okay. Okay. Interior bar speakeasy. Older woman, all glammed up, Mary, is playing the piano.

A couple is sitting having martinis, and two other single people are sitting. Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars. Gordy enters with a mic, old with an open low-cut V and jewelry. People in the bar clap. Bah, bah, bah. Someone needs to get more toilet paper for that bathroom back there. Hi, my dove.

Folks of the night, this is Gordy and I'm Marie. We'll be your entertainment for tonight. Get a martini. Gordy points to the single man at the table. Well, get a soda pop. You look like a beast. Don't hurt anybody. Fly me to the single man at the table Well get a soda pop, you look like a beast Don't hurt anybody Fly me to the moon

Single guy looks around confused Gordy makes his rounds dancing And let me play among the stars Fill my heart with song Hey Gordy, did you change the laundry this morning? Ooh, oopsie baby Do do do What?

I'm just joshing with ya Of course I did, love dove. Oh, you minks. Hey, look at these budding daisies over here. You having a good time? I saw you kissing. The couple nods and holds up their glasses to Marie. Gordy walks over to them with a mic.

Come on and dance. The couple shrugs and gets up to dance. Gordy dances beside them very close, rubbing up on them. Hey, Gordy. Yes. Da da da da. Did you remember to turn the stove off before we left? Ooh, eek.

Da da da da. What? I'm joshing your muffin top. I did, I did. Oh, Gordy. You're all I long for, all I worship and adore. Da-da-da-da-da. Oh, talking to the couple.

Let me give you a tip, sweetie pies. If she turns cold on you, then give the floor a good sweep. Was that me? Was that me? That's Tom. That's Gordy. Got it. Okay.

Let me give you a tip, sweetie pies. If she turns cold on you, then give the floor a good sweeping. She'll come back around. I only turn cold when you turn soft. Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars. Ooh, firecracker. Gordy rubs up on a couple. They signal to each other to sit.

Gordy has already moved on onto the single woman at a table. Hey, Buttercream. Hey, Buttercream. I found me a live one. Oh, look at that fembot. Ba-da-da-ba-da. You're all along for. Hi, sweet peach.

The boys are sick for letting you sit alone tonight. I'm not really waiting on a boy. Gordy cuts her off and sits on girl's lap, sings in her ear. Ooh, let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. Uh, oh, um, no. Gordy starts touching her hair and kissing her hand.

And let me sing forevermore. I don't think she swings you away, sugar cane. Two birds of a feather, and let me kiss. You're hurting my thigh. Gordy gets up off her lap and dances over to the piano. Girl alone shakes her head, sips drink. Hey, chicken pot pie, mind taking over

the keys for a moment? I got a bone to pick with the beefcake over there. Marie grabs the mic from Gordy. Gordy gets on piano. She heads over to a single guy. You're all I long for, all I worship and adore. Hello, Puddin'. You wanna dance?

Watch out, fella. She might hop the fence, ride the train, bust through the stop sign, and she's not looking left or right. No thanks. I'm a terrible dancer. I enjoy watching. Cherry pie! He doesn't love me. Oh, but I do.

You're a vision, Marie. In other words, please be true. In other words, I love you. Don't deny me, hunk of logs. Marie grabs... Don't deny me, hunk of logs. Marie grabs Guy A's hand and pulls him onto the

dance floor. He goes along with it. The other tables clap and just react in a little bit of an embarrassed way. Hold my hand and let me take you to the moon. Sing a sweet lullaby and you'll be my big baboon. Okay, wow. Hey, Gordy. She twirls Guy A and turns to Gordy.

Guy A. Yes? Did you let the kitty kitty in? She's been outside all day. Oh, uh-oh, Marie. What? Marie walks over to Gordy. What? Kitty kitty died a month back.

Remember, sweet pea? Oh, Gordy, yes, I do. But I still like to keep it on my to-do list. Fly me to the moon. And let me play among the stars. And that's a brownout. You said brownout at the end. That's a slow fade.

That's a slow fade brownout. Well, guys, that was Gordie and Marie. Holy shit. I read this and I said, what was I doing? Where was I going? I only went to the Dresden once, but you know what? This, to me, isn't even a sketch. This is just how it was there.

No, that's kind of how I used to write sketches, like, nine years ago, or eight years ago, or seven years ago, whatever the fuck. Seven. Last month. Just slices of life. I literally would write slices of life, and I remember one of my directors, who I loved, was like, you gotta stop writing slice of life. Like, something big has to happen. So I started doing that, but it was hard for me, because I was i was like wait i just want to write the real thing that i see and then i was like oh yeah sketch you need beats and a button and well you just love real people i love real people yeah

this literally happened to me and h when we were just beginning to date at the dresden the guy was like hey little sweets this what's going on? And he was like coming over and wanting to sit on my lap. And I was like, oh. I want to say the lady or I think it was the lady would play the flute. Whoa. Yeah. Like jazz flute.

No, they were incredible. And he did have like a deep V. Of course. Was he hairy? Yeah. Of course. He was hairy. And they were like all like black sparkling outfits

and she was it's so sad that i feel like live performance like that it's just not as common i know i just miss live performance like that because they talk to each other during it yeah they're always talking to each other about life yeah you get so much fun shit so there's my slice of life that was great memoir i guess you could say, yeah, I really learned how to write a sketch. It took me a second. Yeah. Oh,

and it takes everyone a second. And this was fun. Thanks guys. I feel like there's a Cecily strong SNL bit. That's similar. Yeah. Like in a similar vein, but like where it's like singing and talking.

Yeah. I just love a singing, talking. Me too. It's so fun. There's some, it's so fun. There's some older SNL sketches that are kind of slice and talking. Yeah, I just love a singing talking. Me too. It's so fun. It's so fun. Me too. There's some older SNL sketches that are kind of slice of life.

Yeah. There's this one that I'm trying to remember, and I've had a hard time finding it again, but it's just kind of like a diner, and there's just a bunch of weird characters there. Is it the lobster? It's, is it? Like someone ordering the lobster?

I'm trying to recall, but it's just got like a bunch of weird characters and just kind of like stuff happens. There's not like a bit to it. They're just kind of all. That's kind of my favorite thing. But then I'm like, well, I had to really learn like you have to have like something needs to happen, a gag, like whatever. But I always find that to be my hardest thing. It's like I want to just see this play out yeah so that had to be trained in me to like take it to the next level

and it's like big and it's either the buttons like a surprise or it's like something new or it's like perfect ending to it it's interesting to see these sketches that you wrote back then because your characters now are so big right like to see, to see these kind of, like, more subtle. Yeah, these are more real people. Which is what I liked playing. Interesting. I think when I started writing sketches that were more like, you have to have the intense,

I started, like, playing the characters more, like, it was obvious. Yeah. But I enjoy, like, someone just being super, super grounded. I mean, I love it, too. And I mean, I think your characters are very grounded, but you've just amped up the stakes yeah you know how to stretch them out yeah grounded but still being tall you know we need that yeah where'd you where'd you both learn how to sketch write sketches mine was like where did you first yeah how many classes did you

take um we did a we did like three levels of improv and then our second level was writing character monologues got it got it got it all character monologues and then we did a whole writing lab which was two months where we wrote a bunch of sketches cool and i learned i kind of just learned how to write sketches like on my feet in that in that department i took like a sketch writing class but okay i learned there nice yeah i mean i took, let's see, I definitely just kind of learned through circumstances in this industry over a long time. You were also in a lot of sketches with So Random. Yeah.

Yeah. So I would say some of the first sketches that I wrote and kind of pitched was at So Random. And we weren't supposed to. We couldn't be credited because it was a union job. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But I did pitch a bunch of sketches there and and we just started writing stuff for fun a lot

of times and i on my own time was writing things for fun um forever ago a friend of mine uh jamie davis and i wrote a sketch that she ended up uh submitting to a festival and like it won an award and everything that's so cool that was forever ago and then um you know really where i learned a lot of formatting and stuff was here like you know i'd say if you look from like 2016 to 2022 like i helped write almost all the sketches on main channel in that period of time like every blank ever is like i was writing a lot of them that's fun there's a ton of sketches that I wrote. You know, like there's that sketch from 2018 that I'm still very proud of.

Like I would say out of all the sketches I've ever written, which is Kids on Bikes. Oh, that was awesome. Making fun of Stranger Things. I like wrote it one weekend and I brought it in and I showed it. Did I play the mom? You weren't actually in Smosh yet. Yeah, I don't think you were here yet. Because we did a Stranger Things because we did a stranger's things we did we've done strange that was a different thing

but this is way before but i i remember watching that and being like this one's really funny i wrote it one weekend just like i just got inspired and i wrote it out because i was just thinking about stranger things and i was just like oh my god like i just what if i hit all the tropes in it and i brought it into work one day and we're just like yeah let's do it and um it was really really satisfying and fun that's the best so uh you know i and and you know through this job i was able to get final draft and stuff and just fuck around on it so i've learned over the years um i don't feel i get to i mean we it the job fluctuates like we go through periods of time where i'm not writing much and then there's times where i'm writing a ton and then the job changes so much yeah um it's

interesting but there was periods of time where i was writing a lot yeah like that was a big part of my job and uh so um tommy you've been writing for ever ever in my opinion yeah i mean i i didn't really i wasn't really taught anything i just i did improv you know i was an i was an actor and i did improv and then we we were like we need to put on a sketch show and so we did sketch shows in college for i think three years different like a yearly big sketch show and you know i'd direct them and then also write them and stuff like that so that was that was a lot of fun and then we did a pokemon sketch show which was like the best thing ever um that's on a hard drive somewhere. Damn, that sounds awesome. It was so fun. Love that.

And yeah, I don't know. I just, I love writing. I go through waves of like, I'm writing all the time and I'm like writing pilots and I'm getting my, you know, I'm getting a library and then I just won't write

for like a year and a half or two years and then I'll just be back into it. I took one UCB sketch writing class and I was like, I know this. I didn't mean to be like up my own ass, but I was like, yeah. I was like, yeah, I know. Yep. A lot of times like what you get out of just writing class and I was like I know this I didn't mean to be like up my own ass but I was like yeah I was like yeah I know yep yep a lot of times like what you get out of just writing classes and stuff is just

the prompts to write you're forced to write you're forced to write I remember taking like a pilot writing class and I was like oh my god it was a totally different beast yeah from obviously from sketch but like I think all of that is really good but I think the most important thing to write sketch is to be able to get up and perform it and yeah get it in your bones and

see what works because you could write something so funny on the page and then it doesn't translate 100 and that's what would happen to me a ton in growlings you'd be like oh my the ones that i was most excited about just died on stage and the ones that i was nervous about, I was like, I don't know about this one. Kills. Kills. It's fascinating. So weird. Yeah.

It's so interesting. Wow. That was amazing. That was so much fun. This was a blast. I love this so much. This was a joy for my soul. We should do this again.

Maybe I'll write new ones. Whoa. In this age. Whoa. Whoa. Slow down. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I'm excited. Well, Tommy, thank you for joining us. Thank you for having

me. This is the best. Thank you for bringing your sketches. They were very, very good. Thank you. I was able to see them again. I don't know. When October rolls around, we'll do Haunted House. Just gotta wait like eight months. It'll be fine. I want to do Haunted anytime. I know.

Haunted's so fun. The whole year is haunted. That's true. Everything is haunted right now. Yeah. Don't worry about it. Great. Okay.

All right. Okay. Bye, guys. Bye, guys. Goodbye. Goodbye. You can't rely on blind faith to get the pregnancy support you deserve. Ritual's Essential Prenatal Multivitamin is the only leading prenatal backed by its own human clinical trial.

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