Smosh Reads Reddit Stories - Two Wild Takes | Reading Reddit Stories (w/ TwoHotTakes )

Starting point is 00:00:00 I'm going back to university for zero dollar delivery fee, up to 5% off orders and 5% Uber cash back on rides, not whatever you think University is for. Get Uber won for students. With deals this good, everyone wants to be a student. Join for just $4.99 a month. Savings may free, eligibility and member terms apply. Welcome back to Reddit Stories. I'm Shane. Today I am joined by Tommy. And from the too hot takes podcast Morgan Abster is here. Hello. Man, I've been wanting this to happen for a while. This is really cool. I'm so excited.

Starting point is 00:00:31 Yeah, you are more familiar with Reddit than anyone here. No. You've, I think you're halfway to 100, right? This is, we're past 50 episodes, but I mean, you've had to have gone through thousands of posts by now., tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, and to tho, and to to tho, and tho, and to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to to, and to be to be, to be, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and th th th the th the th. And, and the the, and the the, the, the the the the thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, too. toean, toean, thi. And, th you've you had to have gone through thousands of posts by now Yeah, quite a few. Yeah, and you source all of the stories on your show. Yeah, I mean you came on you saw it's kind of a one-girl circus Yeah, it's chaos. Yeah, meanwhile, I'm reading these for the first time. I luckily don't have to scroll through all of Reddit. Our production team over there. They're skiltah. the the the the the the the th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. Yeah, th. I th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, thly thi thi tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho. Yeah, tho. Yeah, tho. Yeah, tho. Yeah, tho. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, th. Yeah. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, th. Yeah, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tho tho tho tho tho tho tho production team over there. There's skeletons right now. After they're all over there's like, but I went on your show, it was a great time. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:01:13 So thank you for joining us here. I'm so excited. Yeah. Kind of a loose theme of just a goofy and wacky today. Some silly stuff. That came out of me. I don't think I chose to do that. It just happened.

Starting point is 00:01:26 Yeah. All right. Let's get into this. Do it. All right. First one up, this comes from relationship advice. This is from 2018. So this is a little bit, a little bit of older one.

Starting point is 00:01:36 Vintage. Found out husband is the one stealing shallets from neighborhood gardens. from Neighborhood Gardens. Okay. All right. Already kind of a fan. Here we go. This has been going on for several years. I live in a small rural neighborhood with an HOA where the houses are spread apart, but neighbors are expected to keep their houses and yards nice.

Starting point is 00:01:58 As with most HOAs, some members can get a little carried away with the seriousness of it all. There will be passive aggressive emails about escape dogs, shirtless runners, unsightly fencing, etc. It really annoys my husband. I just laugh at it. Well, a few years ago, the neighbors got together and made a community garden in the center lot. There were a lot of emails sent about this, a lot of drama. I don't remember all of it, but people would get upset if someone took up too much space with their plants, planted something unsightly, etc. So then we start getting emails complaining that someone was picking all the shallots slash onions out of the garden. Some people

Starting point is 00:02:33 thought it could be deer eating them. There were several theories. The next year the same thing happened and then people were also complaining that the onions were going missing from their personal gardens. This year it started happening again and people flipped out. All caps emails demands to interrogate teenage residents, requests to put security cameras in the communal garden, two houses were hit and then people started staking out in their gardens and putting up game cameras. It started out being funny because I'm not involved with gardening, so it was just amusing

Starting point is 00:03:03 to read all the emails. But this year people people are getting really upset and wanting to get law enforcement involved. So anyway, you already know what happens. I walked down the bottom of our property that I don't visit often, and I find a lot of smashed onions and shallots. Like absolutely smashed to bits. It clearly took a lot of work. I went inside and told my husband jokingly, I think we're being framed for the onion heist. He got this really weird look on his face and I had the realization and asked him if he didn't have anything to do

Starting point is 00:03:34 with this. He confessed to me that he did and had been stealing the onions and shallots to spite the neighbors. He was sneaking out at night to do this. I asked him why, and he said he just hates them so much. Oh my God. I love that. I don't even know. This makes me really uncomfortable. The man is 31 and sneaking out at night to steal onions. And I didn't even notice, why wouldn't he just tell me? this thiiiiiiiii. thiiii. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. toooo-n't too-n't thi. thi. thi. tho-o-o-o-n't tho-n't tho-s, tho-n't tho-n't tho- tho- tho---------------------------aa-n't tho-n't tho-n't tho-n't tho-n't tho-n't thin. thin. thin. don't know what to do. Can anyone help me think this through? Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm pretty upset.

Starting point is 00:04:08 I'm, okay, that took a turn and I'm really upset about this too, because I was expecting her to be like, yeah, these onions have been missing. And meanwhile, my husband's steaks are just incredible. Like, whoever just like, the stews he's been making? Ugh! The house always smells so good. Mmm, fragrance. What the fuck? I'm mad. I hate when people are just petty and wasteful. Like, you're stealing food from people just out of spite for three years.

Starting point is 00:04:37 That's crazy. That's wild. That's insane. It's a lot of work. He's like Batman, except evil. Yeah. There's more psychologically crazy ways to spite your neighbors that doesn't waste food. Yeah, for sure.

Starting point is 00:04:54 Especially in HOA. I mean, HOA has far too much power, I will say. Like, they're a little unhinged, but I mean, there's other ways you could have done it versus stealing food from people that they're putting, th...., there's other ways you could have done it, versus like stealing food from people that they're putting hard work into gardening. Like, I had a garden with my grandma. That is not easy. No, I love gardening.

Starting point is 00:05:13 And I love onions. And shallows, thi's hurts. Which one do you like more? It depends on what you're making? It really depends. If you're cooking a steak, a shallet is really great with that. And shallots are good for some things, but it depends on the onions, too. Yeah. Are these red onions, these yellow onions, white onions?

Starting point is 00:05:30 They're all used for different purposes. You sound like a little chef over there. Oh, a little chef. A little chef. I just love that she asked like I'm filled with hate. I'm filled with hate, I'm angry men. I need to get this guy a hobby. Dude seriously, teach him how to cook. He needs a hobby. What do you do? Like besides chain him up at night? Like what do you do? I mean you get to that point where it's like this isn't divorce worthy, this isn't like, it's not that serious but it's like okay like honey like they got game cams now like they're gonna get you eventually. Get him an onion costume. It can be like the onion man

Starting point is 00:06:09 and now he's gonna deliver onions to everybody. This is how we make it up. He has to pay them all back. Retribution. Yeah I could get behind that. Deliver onions. Honey I found an onion under my pillow again. I hate this. They they could the neighborhood could have found him if they all deliver deliver deliver deliver deliver deliver deliver deliver deliver deliver they all all all all all all all all they all all all all all all all all they all all. they all. they all. they all. they all. they all. they all. they all. they all. they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're. they. they they they they they're. I. I they. I they. I they. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. the. th. the. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the hate this. They could, the neighborhood could have found him if they all got together and they're like, everyone was like all sitting around and then they put an onion in the middle. See who smashes it? And then the husband's just like, ah! And it just like goes out there with a mallet. This is hilarious.

Starting point is 00:06:39 Some comments here. Here's what you do. You that that that that that evidence that evidence that evidence the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the evidence. the the the the their. their. the the the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I. their. their. their. I. I. I. their. the. I. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the and sorry, but you know where the onions are buried and you need to make sure there's no evidence left. Hurry, if they are that pissed, they will eventually find out. After that, you need to talk to him about how people now have have cameras and I bet you there's at least one person who hasn't told anyone to put his bad boy ways aside and cool it for a bit. His bad boy ways. But a photo of him on a game cam, stealing onions is so funny. It's really hilarious. That's so funny. Like a Sasquatch litigate just like, oh my god. I think he could have a career as a PI though. Like these are valuable skills that he's attuned at this point. Three years and not getting caught. You know? He needs to level to level to level to level to level to level to level to level. He to level. He to level. He to level. He to level. He to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their their th. the. thea. thea. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. their th. th. their their their their their the point three years and not getting caught. You know? He needs to level up to stealing diamonds at this stage. I mean, you know,

Starting point is 00:07:29 if you're gonna steal things, do it well, right? Yeah. Someone else said, dress can be a really dangerous thing. Some people drink, some are abusive under stress. Your husband is harmlessly facetious and kept you consistently entertained for three years without you knowing. I'd consider you blessed. That has 4,000 up those. So a lot of people see it that way too. Yeah, I wonder what happened. There's no update on this, but he does have to stop or he's going to get caught.

Starting point is 00:07:57 Yeah. You could probably get sued. Oh, I feel like you can sue for anything theate thi. I don't know anything anything about anything about anything about anything about anything about anything about about about the the the the laws, the laws, the laws, the laws, the laws, the the the the the the the tha, tha, tha, tha, tho, tho, tho, tho, thoes, thoes, thoes, thoes, thoes, thoes, thoes, thoes, thoes, thoes, thoes, thou, thou, thou, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousan, thousan, thousan, thi, thi, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand I don't know anything, I don't know anything about community gardens. I don't know the laws regarding them. But at the very least he will be shunned by this neighborhood. Yeah. If it is a community garden, couldn't he take the onions because he's part of the community? My understanding of community gardens though is that it's a community space but you plant your own. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't, I wouldn't take someone else, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, the, th. th. th. the, the, the, the, th. th. the, the, the. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their, their their their, their, their, their, their. their. their, their. their, their, their, their, their, the their, their, the the the the the the th. th. the. the the. the the. the the. the the. the. the the the the l. the the the l. the the. the the. the. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't take someone else, like someone else grows an onion, I'm not going to take it. But he went to private gardens, too. Right, no, also. I know that, I know that part of the crime.

Starting point is 00:08:32 He got too greedy. Yeah, he got too greedy. He got too much. I just can't believe waste for three years. Donate to a food shelf or something. So many ways there's so many better ways. There's so many better ways. This is from the onion. Oh come on. I know. Anyways, moving on. Hell yeah. This comes from our confession. This is from last year. I made fake throw up to stay home from school when I was 11. Awesome. This isn't some big juicy confession, just something I did that's thi that's th th that's th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thoome thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. Oh, thi. Oh, thi. Oh, oh many many thi. Oh thi. Oh thi. Oh thi. Oh thi. Oh thi th th. Oh th. Oh th. Oh th. Oh th. Oh th. Oh th. Oh th. Oh th. Oh th. Oh th. Oh thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I throw up to stay home from school when I was 11. Awesome. This isn't some big juicy confession, just something I did that's funny to me because I just

Starting point is 00:09:08 remembered it and have told no one. When I was 11, I was going to this private school and hated it. Got bullied and all that shit. Anyway, I literally would cry to my mom saying I couldn't stay home anymore. So one night I decided to fake sick because she wouldn't just let me not go for no reason. Apparently faking that I got sick in the toilet and flushed it wasn't believable enough, so I had the idea to make my own. It was about 11 p.m., mom and dad were dead asleep. I went to the kitchen and, I crushed up the chips, mixed it all up in a bowl, and put it in the microwave

Starting point is 00:09:45 for like one minute. I proceeded to my bedroom and poured it all on the carpet. It didn't smell as bad as actual throw-up wood, but I had to hurry so I put on my fake, sick face and voice and went to my mom's room, told her. Made her come to my room to see the master the master the master, the master, the master, the master, the master, the master, the master, the master, the master, the master, and the master, and the master, the master, and the master, the master, and the master, and the master, and the master, and the master, the master, and the masterpiece and she just looked at it with no reaction. She was genuinely unfazed. She wasn't comforting me like she usually would. She also has a very weak stomach and didn't gag at all, just had no emotion. She said, okay, clean this up and go back to bed and walked back to her room. I was low-key disappointed because that's really how you're going to act to my hard work, LMAO. Anyway, next morning, woke me up for school and I laid in bed until she

Starting point is 00:10:25 came back again and said something like, do you remember I got sick last night? I still don't feel good. And she literally just said, yeah, just stay home. Nothing else. No, hope you feel better. No, let me take your temperature. No, you're going to the doctor like usual. Thinking back on it, she 100% knew it was fake, and it's low-key embarrassing. Maybe she saw the effort and was like, okay, she really doesn't want to go. To this day, I have no idea what possessed me to make fake throw-up, really unnecessary. Anyway, that's all. Sorry if it was lame, I just never told anyone. It's been eating them alive for years. Oh, God, just guys, I have to tell you. I have to get this out. Yeah, I feel like a parent would probably have seen so much throw up by that point that

Starting point is 00:11:08 they're like, that's not, I know what this looks like. You can tell what throw up is versus some wet chips on the ground. Yeah. I like to think there's still a wrapper. chunks. Oh, a moment I threw up and it smells so good. Go grab another chip, just dip. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. Did you guys ever pull any shit like this to try to get out of school? I was notorious for not going to school. I, in eighth grade, actually missed 241 class periods? That's awesome. Yeah. My dad called the secretary and got to a point where he was like, I'm just going to call you when she's actually coming to school. Oh, it was pretty bad.

Starting point is 00:11:54 Oh, but I made it! Yeah, we made it! I made it, you know, I ended up doing okay. But yeah, I hated school. Yeah, I was this person. You just didn't want to go. I then got bullied really bad so like I get it like it's not enjoyable but then it's like well what do you do when you have a kid in this?

Starting point is 00:12:14 It's kind of you switch schools or you know? It's tough. It's kind of an ordeal to like figure out what to do with your kid if the school the school for them. Yeah. Yeah. I definitely tried to pull some stuff. I never went that far. Also, screw him for doing it on a carpet. If I was the mom would be like on the carpet, Billy, or whoever it was. Yeah, do it in a sink. The toilet. Do it in the toilet. Do it in the chips if the toilet's wet. Yeah. What was up with the microwave? I don't know. I think I wanted to like really get it together.

Starting point is 00:12:47 Yeah. Some comments here. Yeah, she knew you faked it, but she also realized how badly you hated school, so she let you stay home. Don't be embarrassed. No one should have to put up with bullying. you all those things in the past six hours. Real vomit would have looked like whatever you had for dinner. Lastly someone said you're the Picasso of fake vomit artistry. If only mom had given it the standing ovation it deserved. O'Pears said I know literally ignored it. She was at her wits end. I know she was just like

Starting point is 00:13:17 oh my god again. I never faked sick, but I didn't, I wasn't someone who loved school or hated school was kind of an in-between, but I got out of it by becoming a child actor. Yeah. That's what I should have done. Guys, you should get on my Carly. Yeah. Then you never have to go to school ever again. Mom, I don't want to go to school today. I'm an actor. I'm th you thi thi thi while I mean, I mean, I'm thi while I'm thi while I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thooml. I'm thooml. I'm thoomorrow. I'm not tho' thoomathea' thoomatheed. I'm thoom. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I thi. I thi. I tho. I tho. I tho. I tho. I tho. I tho. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I'm not thi. I'm not thi. I'm not thi. I'm not thi. I'm not thi. I'm not thi. I'm not theeeat. I'm not theea. I'm not toea. I'm not thea. I theeanananan't theat thi. I'm on like Carly. I can't go to school today.

Starting point is 00:13:45 I'm an actor. Meanwhile I'm in college online and convincing myself. I messed up. We messed up. We messed up. We messed up. We all ended up here. We all ended up in the same place. I don't know what to tell you. We all ended up reading Reddit here. Oh my God. that. that's true. We all. We all. We all. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. tho. tho. I tho. I'm tho. I'm tho. I tho. I'm th th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I tho. I the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm th. I'm tell you. We all ended up reading Reddit here. Oh my God. Okay, moving on. Okay, hold on. I'm scared. Our producers have written into this, for our audience, don't be eating right now. Oh, no.

Starting point is 00:14:18 Okay. Just a fair warning. Today I fucked up by using the bathroom after a hot girl. Yeah, I know this is this this this this this this this this this is this is this is this. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the same the same the same to to to to to to to to to to the same to to to to the same. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the same. the same. the same. the same. the same. the same. the same. the same. the same. the same. to the same. to the same. to. to. to. to. to. I to. I to. I to. I to. I to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the the by using the bathroom after a hot girl. Yeah, I know where this is going. Yeah. So today I was eating lunch at this bomb-ass Mexican restaurant from my area. Oh no. I absolutely love their food and they serve their chips with the enchilada sauce on top with melted cheese, good lud. Anyways, I get up to use the bathroom, which is only a one-person unisex bathroom with a wooden

Starting point is 00:14:56 door. I'm standing behind, waiting for my turn, and up behind me walks a hot girl. Being a gentleman, I naturally let her cut in front of me. At no point in time was I hitting on her or was I expecting anything in return, simply trying to be a gentleman. However, I will note that she was pretty attractive. The person walks out and then she goes in. A few moments later she quietly walks out,

Starting point is 00:15:16 smiles at me as if she's thanking me, and then I go in. Good Godfather, almighty, makers of heaven and earth I completely fell to the ground The smell was absolutely horrific and could best be described as Soggy saltwater sand mixed with rancid meat I immediately started to gag and breathe through my mouth. This only made it worse because I started to taste the smell which only made me more sick Then I look in the toilet to see the crime scene. She didn't even flush the toilet. That's no. It was like accidentally clicking on the worst not safe for work picture in a sleazy underground unmoderated forum or clicking open the mysterious AVI file you downloaded from LimeWire back in the

Starting point is 00:15:58 2000s. I kid you not that by this time I was having trouble keeping my eyes open as I flushed the toilet. My mouth began to water as I gagged and dry-heaved. I'm over two years sober and haven't felt that feeling since I quit drinking alcohol. I threw my hand over my mouth as my delicious food started to come out and expanded my cheeks like two balloons. I empty the contents into the toilet, flush, unlike Miss Manor's school dropout, and bolt out the door. I go up to the restaurant staff and pull an Ace Ventura shouting, do not go in there! Of course then, I think that they're going to think it was me, so I tell them that I swear it wasn't me, followed by demanding that someone empty, a bottle of fabrize or air fresher in the bathroom. Miss Chernobyl, but was gone by this point.

Starting point is 00:16:46 I also learned today that something small, innocent looking, and pretty is capable of making the worst smell ever created in mankind. Typing this, I still have remnants of the lingering smell in my nose, and when I got home, I threw all of my clothes in the washer and took a you really, really, really, uh, expanded on that. I have, I have no gaps. Visually, mentally, like, yeah. We're full. Wow. We know everything. Wow. Too much. Yeah, too much. Yeah, you never can underestimate anyone in this world. No, and there's Hot Girl IBS, like, you should have known. You should have known. Don't let a hot girl cut in line before you.

Starting point is 00:17:33 But I'll give her a pass for the stomach issues. But the not flushing. Yeah, that's always mind-blowing to me. It must have been such an insane experience for her that she like blacked out in case she was like tripping. Stumbled out she didn't even realize what it just happened. Yeah. So she did smile. She did smile. Which like shyly she was just like man yeah. I don't have that much trust in toilets even if it's automatic I do not trust them I'm not gonna embarrass myself especially a single bathroom. No. Come on just th just th just th just th. Just th. Just th. th. th. th. tho th tho th th th tho th tho th tho tho th thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu- the thu thu thus the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. the the the the the the. S th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. She th. th. th. th. the the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee the the to to going to embarrass myself, especially a single bathroom. No, yeah. Come on, just courtesy look.

Starting point is 00:18:05 It's just reflex by this point. Yeah. And even though it's reflex, I flush, I make sure it's it's, yeah. But then I still have the thing, it's like a garage door where you leave and you're like, I did do that. Yeah. I did? Oh, especially in my own home. Is anything mellowing in there? Or did I... I'm like, sure, use the bathroom. And I'm like, wait.

Starting point is 00:18:25 Oh, no. Uh, uh. Also, this guy, like, he's like, wow. Now I learn that hot girls, shit. It's like, it's like, yeah, we're a bunch of bags and straws. It doesn't matter what your outside looks like. You're gonna shit. Yeah, I, okay, this is just me, if I was in this situation. I don't let people, if I'm in line for the bathroom, I'm not letting someone hop in front of me, unless they come up and they're like, please, please for the love of God and I'm

Starting point is 00:18:52 not in that same situation, but if someone just walks up, I'm not going to be like, oh, you go, thrown, I'm not going to be like, thrown........ No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I. I I I I I I th. No. No. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I that I th. I'm not th. I'm not th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. theeeeean. thean. thea. thean. theea. thean. theeean. thean. the. I front of me, I'd be like, why? What's in there? What's in there? What do you know that? No, you go first. Something's wrong. There's like a jack-in-the-box, like spring ready to get you. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:14 A couple comments. If she had flushed, it might have been worse. Someone replied, I read his story and I still think he did it. Someone else said, O.P. just mad his crush asserted dominance. Lastly, someone said, plot twist, it was the dude before her, L.O.L. That is a theory. If she was just going in there not to use the bathroom just to like, I don't know, anything else then, but I don't know. I feel like she would have warned him. Oh, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th. thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the the the they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to. to. to. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. know. I feel like she would have warned him. Oh yeah, courtesy warned, like, hey, if it wasn't, I, yeah. I just went in here and maybe you should go next door.

Starting point is 00:19:49 Like, it's really bad, because I clogged a toilet on a trip recently. This is so brave with you. I know. I was in London. It was Notting Hill. There's no public bathrooms. You know, you have you have the second coffee and you start sweating. Everyone's been there, and I go into this restaurant. Everyone's been a Notting Hill. No, like, the poop sweats. I know, I know, I know.

Starting point is 00:20:14 And so I like, can I get a table like, yeah? Yeah, it's gonna be a bit, okay. Where's the bathroom? the bathroom. I not only run out a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th a tha tha tha thoiletet a thoilet a thoilettera' thoiletetetetet is thoiletet o' thi. thi. thioliet. thioliet. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thi, th. I'm, th. I'm, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Te. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. I's, th. I's, th. I's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. theeaauua'a'a'ea'ea'ea'ea'ea'ea. th. Men's, women's. Okay, so I go the bathroom. I not only run out a toilet paper or so I think there's some behind me, but yeah it's clogged. Ten flushes and it's not going anywhere. And there's girls knocking on the door. I have to finally open the door and I go, I'm so sorry girls like this to to thoii. I'm just try and like to to to to to to to to the thoe thoe thoe tho' tho' tho' tho' the tho' tho' the their tho' their their their their tho'n, I'm tho-I their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their. their. their. their. their, I'm their. their, I'm tho'n, I'm tho'n't to toe. toe. toe. toeole. toe. toe. toe. toeole. toe. toe. thoooo'n'n'n'n'n't tho'n't thoo'n't like this toilet's not flushing. I'm just trying to like make sure it's good before you get in here. And you know, I do get it mostly good,

Starting point is 00:20:50 but there, it just, it was an old wonky toilet and there was only so much I can do and I ran. I didn't, I did not get anything in that restaurant. I ran out. I was like, these girls can't the the the th my coat for poop on it. Like it was horrendous. It was the worst experience I've had with the bathroom in quite some time. You still did your civic duty of trying. I try. You know, that's what's important. It's like a doctor tries to save a life. You know, that's, you're a doctor. Yeah. I am a doctor. Yeah, I am a doctorate in an occupational the the the th th and th and the thin the th th th th th th th th in th th in thin th in a thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thi thi thi thi thi thria thri's thria. thria. thries thries thries thri. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. th. try. th. thi. thi. th. You're actually a doctor. Yeah, I'm a doctorate in occupational therapy. And not in Reddit. No. It's crazy. We should create that though. We could partner on a course.

Starting point is 00:21:31 Yeah. Oh my god, I'm in class right now. My bachelor's degree where I can really help out. Can I be your first student? Yeah? Oh? Okay. All right. Moving on. Uh, this one comes from legal advice, so we are of no use Not lawyers. Here we go. This is in Oregon. I accidentally created an army of crow bodyguards. Am I liable if my murder attempts murder? Oh, that's fun. So I think this is Edgar Allen Poe. To make a long story short. I'm a late 20-something living in Portland, Oregon.

Starting point is 00:22:09 I had a pretty intense emo slash gothase as a tween that I thought I had grown out of. A couple months ago, I was watching a nature program on our local station about crows. The program mentioned that if you feed and befriend them, crows will bring you small gifts. My emo phase came back full force and I figured that I was furloughed and had lots of time, so why not make some crow friends? My plan worked a little too well and the resident five crows in my neighborhood have turned into an army 15 strong. At first, my neighbors didn't mind and enjoyed it.

Starting point is 00:22:39 They're mostly elderly, and most were in a bird watching club anyway. They thought the fact fact fact fact fact fact fact fact fact fact fact fact fact fact fact fact fact fact the fact the fact the fact the fact the fact the fact the fact the fact the fact the fact the fact the fact the fact. the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. I I. I. I. I. I, their. I, their. I, their. I, their. I I, their. I I, their. I, their. I, their. I, their. I, their. I, their. I, their. I, their. I, the the the the th. I was. I, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thooooooooooooooooooooooes. th. th. th. th. th. th. I'm. th. I was watching club anyway. They thought the fact that I had crows following me around wherever I went outside was funny. Lately, the crows have started defending me. My neighbor came over for a socially distanced chat, me on the porch, her in my yard, and the crows started dive bombing her. They would not stop until she left my yard. They didn't make physical contact with her, but they got very close. Am I liable if these crows injure someone since I fed them? I obviously can't control the crows. I would rather them not attack my neighbors. But since I technically created this nuisance,

Starting point is 00:23:14 could I be financially on the hook for any injuries? To be clear, they're not aggressive, 100% of the time. If just just, the neighbors, the neighbors, the neighbors, the neighbors, the neighbors, the neighbors, the neighbors, the neighbors, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, I, th, I, I th, I th, I th, I th, I thi, thi, I th, I th. th. th. I thoes, I thoes, I th. I th. I th. I th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I..... I th, I. I. I. I. I th, I. I th. I th. th. I th. thi. thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thr. t t t too too toooo to. to. to. t to. to. to. to. to. to. to the to t there friendly normal crows, they only get aggressive when someone gets close to me or my property. TLDR, I have turned into Moira Rose, queen of the crows. My inadvertent crow army has gotten aggressive towards others. If they hurt someone, could I be held liable? Also, I did not train these birds to attack. Also thank you all for your awards. I'm glad my stupid decisions bring you joy. Please consider donating that money to your local auto bond society instead. Wow. Well I'm not a lawyer so I can't

Starting point is 00:23:51 get that advice but I am a fan of crows and I think that's awesome and I will say during lockdown I attempted the same exact thing. You did? I would go to the, I would go to the, I would go to, I would go to the, I would go, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I would, I, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would th. the, I would, I would, I would, I would, I would, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th.. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to, to, th. to, I'm, I'm, th. th. th. th. to the park with like blueberries in my pocket. I'm not kidding. I would go to this, I would walk, I would walk. This is the most wholesome thing I would walk to this. No, it was like my lockdown goal. I love this true. I would walk to this park and I would read and stuff.

Starting point is 00:24:15 And I brought blueberries with me and I was like, okay, I was like, but there was one time and I threw a blueberry to one of these crows, it ate it, flew away, and then like 20 minutes later it showed up again. I was like, oh sweet, like I'm gonna start getting this. It just never fully panned out, but that's, that's, this is truly one of my dreams. I want to try. I'm not kidding. I would, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I, I, I, I, I, I, I would, I would, I would, I would th, I would th, I would th, I would th, I would love, I th. I th. I th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I, I, I, I, I, like, I th. I th, I th, I th, like, I th, like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th, th, th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I, I'm, like, I, I, crow friends that brought me stuff. And why haven't you actively kept up with this? Well, now there's just not a place nearby me currently where I could, like, where it could happen, you know, it's tough. It's tough in the city too, like, you know, it's a little too like in front of other people trying to do it, like, you're embarrassed. If I lived in, I need a little, if I to live, if I to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have, to have, to have, to have, to have, to have, to have, to have, to have, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, to have, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, to.. to. to. to. to. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to. 'd want to do this in secret so that nobody knows that I have crow friends. Well then you can use it to your advantage, right?

Starting point is 00:25:08 Exactly. No, I want to live like, I want to live up in the mountains, befriend all the crows. Befriends, all the woodland creatures. Yeah. Okay. A Disney princess. All right, but yeah, they bring you stuff. Some people train crows to bring them money. So I'm gonna do this, actually. Okay. I think your problem was the blueberries.

Starting point is 00:25:27 I hear they like peanuts more? I tried almonds that they didn't, they didn't like almonds. No. But the blueberries worked. The one time. The one time. They had the street, maybe some coins for a parking meter. Like, I'm with you, I want this. I want it so bad. I think they like shiny things, if I recall. They're like, they're like, oh, he'd like this shiny thing.

Starting point is 00:25:50 Here go. Yeah. They understand us. Yeah, they're so smart. Have you seen them do puzzles? They hold grudges. They do. I growl and bow. I don't know. Yeah, they talk. I don't think this person would be found legally. I don't think so. I'm not a lawyer, but I do have an opinion for no reason.

Starting point is 00:26:16 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think so. Because it's like you can't... Right. Right, exactly. Yeah. One time I was walking through a park and this was in college, and this has nothing to do with anything, but it is, it did inspire. I saw this guy. And there was a squirrel and I was like, oh my god, what if I could like make friends with a squirrel? And so I went like, like, or like I made some kind of sound. And then within I would say 20 seconds, about 15 to 25 squirrels came down

Starting point is 00:26:47 and they were all like... Oh, dude. And I was like, oh, I'm going to get killed by squirrels. So you can't do it to squirrels, but you can't do it to crows. There was a squirrel, there was a squirrel that I would see often, this was forever ago. I also have a squirrel story. I also have a squirrel story. thi th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thr-a, thr-I, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, th, tho, the, the, the, tho, tho, tho, tho. I tho. I'm, tho. I'm, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, thoo.'t have a story to share, like, but I'm just like for some reason this one I'm like, oh I got a squirrel stories too. Oh yeah. But there was a squirrel that would like show up. It was just super friendly squirrel. And one day I was just like, I didn't have anything on me and I wish I did if I'd had

Starting point is 00:27:17 like some nuts or something but I think the squirrel was like expecting me to have something and it walks up to my hand it like it like grabs my hand and then it was just like it like grab my my fingers it was just like how it was like how but it was like I'm gonna like a soft nibble it was like a soft nibble yeah it was like it was like I I I I I I I I I the like it was like I the th like I th like I th like I th like I th like I th like I th like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like like I was like like like like I was like I was like I was like I was like like like like like like like like like like I was like like like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I like I like I like I like I like I like I like I like I like I like I like I like I like I like I like I like I like I like I like I was like I th like I was like I'm like I'm like I'm like I'm like like like like like like like. it. it. it was like. it was like. it was like. it was like. it was like. it was like. it was like. it was like. it was like. it was like. it was like. it was like. it was like. it was like. I'm like. I'm like. I was like. I was like, I'm gonna get rabies, but it didn't like bite down. It was just like, what is this? It literally just went like, huh? A soft nibble. Yeah, it was very sweet, but. You are snow white.

Starting point is 00:27:51 Right? No. Yeah. We're in the presence of royalty. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Some comments here.

Starting point is 00:28:00 They are resource guarding. To stop them from attacking people, ask guests to bring shiny objects or food scraps to the murder of crows as an offering. You could also supply your guests little baggies of treats for them to offer up. If they dive bomb someone, don't give them food for 24 hours. If they are nice to a guest, give them a high-value treat to reinforce positive behavior. field biologist that is published in biology slash ornithology. 21,000 up votes. Okay. Okay. Literal crow scientist. Yeah. Someone said it would take quite a stretch for someone to make a winning case that you were negligent by

Starting point is 00:28:33 feeding the crows that you're feeding the crows and that you're feeding the crows was the cause of whatever injury occurred. A stretch doesn't the to theee. Feen't the. Soed the. Fee the. Fee the. Fee the. Fee the. the. theat's theateateateateateateateateateateateateateateateateateateateateateateate. th. th. theat theate. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. the. the. the. the. the the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. thro. thro. thro. thro. throoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeateateeateeateeeateeateeeeateateeeeate. theatee. theee. th sure your homeowner's insurance is up to date. So funny. 5,000 votes. Someone said, this is my favorite thing I've read in my entire life. You'd be more, no more legally liable for feeding a stray dog that happened to get dangerously close to random bypassers. I just think they should put a throne out on their front, front porch, and they should be there.

Starting point is 00:29:05 front porch and they should be there and then if people walk up it's like what is your offering? Feed my crows. Very well you may approach. Like a crow lands and so he's like he's okay. You can let him through. Yes, very good. Uh, that's my dream. It is going to happen for you. That's all I want in life. Yeah, I see this all I want in life. All right. Well that was a really fun one. Let's move on to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. throoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. see this, yeah. Yeah, it's all I want in life. All right, well, that was a really fun one. Let's move on to this next story. Oh God. This comes from True Off My Chest. I just exposed my nether region to a bunch of moms at Chuck E. Oh, Oh, no.

Starting point is 00:29:35 Oh, wow. that's to a small group of other parents, all women, and my oldest, seven years old with poor choice-making and impulse control. Comes up behind me and yanks my pants and underwear down around my ankles. Everyone behind me saw my bare white butt cheeks. Every mom in front got a clear view of my dick and balls. I recovered as best as I could but had to have cake and pizza with these people before leaving. Nothing could have prepared me for this. Well that's that story. Oh wow! Wow. No, party's over. We're not doing cake. Sorry guys. Done. I don't know what I would do. I'd probably have to lea. I'd leave. Yeah, I'd leave. Yeah, I'd leave. Yeah. th. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. the. th. th. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. like, I don't, I don't know. After middle school, like, you just, I, you know, because that's a thing that was,

Starting point is 00:30:46 Pantsing. Pantsing was popular at my middle school. And since then, it never happened, well, actually, I think there were some attempts on me. But, uh, I remember ever since then, I've just always been someone, I like, secure pants. Yeah, so th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. P. Pan, th. Pan, than's, than's, th. Pan's, than's, than's, pants, pants, pantsing was, pantsing was, thin was, th. Pan pan pancing was, th. P pan pan pan pan pan pancing was, th. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. Pans, thing was, thin. Pans, thing was, thing was, that's pa. Pancinging was, that's pa. thantantans, thanananantantans was to me. That sucks. Yeah, that's rough. And I don't know how they got to the ankles so fast, too. Like, that's what I'm saying. How loose were these pants? I have some, shoot. Yeah. I wonder is, I wonder if this is his seven-year-old's first time doing this,

Starting point is 00:31:14 or if this is like something he does. often you would take precaution. You would know. Yeah. It seems like it could have came without warning. Yeah, without warning. Yeah, this was a surprise. Yeah. But luckily, it's his first rodeo. But luckily, it sounds like everybody there understood that it's not his fault. And it was all. You live and you'll learn. Yeah. Some comments here. So dad are you going to have a chat with your seven-year-old about what we do and don't do to others? It will be a lot worse if he starts doing it in school. That is true. Yeah, nip it in the bud. Yep.

Starting point is 00:31:50 I am sure it was mortifying, but as a former employee, that incident wouldn't matter or be too, too. Also, that place is crazy. Most people were probably focused on something else. Lastly, someone said, this story sounds like a great plot to a birth control commercial. Yeah. Moving on. All right. Quick heads up. Sexually explicit story. All right. Today I fucked up by ruining sexy time because I was thinking about Sponge Bob. Oh, no. Greetings. Actually, not today. tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tho tho tho tho thi thi thi thi tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho th. Most th. Most th. Most th. Most th. Most thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. the tho ruining sexy time because I was thinking about SpongeBob.

Starting point is 00:32:25 Oh no. Greetings. Actually not today, but a few days ago. My girlfriend, who's 27 and I, 28-year-old man, were having some quality alone time together, which has gotten pretty rare since we have a one-year-old kid. We decided to use the opportunity to have some sexy today. We were making out and things got spicy. I was hard as a rock and ready to make my ancestors proud. What's okay?

Starting point is 00:32:49 This guy has a fedora on for sure. Oh yeah. At this point, I need to mention that I thought it was fun to get high beforehand, as sex feels much more intense then. I got higher than intended, and due to that, my tongue felt like a dry piece of beef jerky. Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night because you were so thirsty and eager to get that cold, fresh, 3 a.m. sip of water, that kind of dry. Nevertheless, I pull off my clothes and leaned in for a final tongue

Starting point is 00:33:14 kiss before working my way down on her. Then it happened. When the tips of our tongue, I, toom, toom, toom, to, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, to, t, to, to, t, t, to, t, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, too, too, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to. too, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, to. to. to. to. to. to. to, to, and, to. to. to, to, to, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, too, too, too, too, too, the too, too, too, too, too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. touched, I bursted out laughing, blowing air out of my nose into her face. Her tongue felt so wet that it made me envision my tongue to feel like SpongeBob from that episode, where he visits Sandy for the first time and he's on the brink of death, desperate for water. I immediately felt embarrassed and sorry for ruining the mood. I apologize for being childish and stupid. We tried to save the situation but I I got soft, and she lost interest as she was disappointed. Totally get that.

Starting point is 00:33:48 After that, silence was trenched by disappointment and embarrassment. Thankfully, 10 minutes later, I was able to get the mood back on and make up for it. I gave everything I had. I used every trick in the book and managed to take her to the promised land and preserved some dignity some dignity to my dignity to my dignity to my dignity to my dignity to to to to to to to to the dignity, to to be the dignity, I to be to be the dignity, I the dignity, and preserved some dignity, and preserved some dignity, and preserved some dignity, and preserved some dignity to be the dignity to the dignity to be to the promise, I the promise, and preserved some to be to bea, and preserved her, and preserved her, and preserved her, and preserved her, and preserved her, and preserved her, and preserved her, and preserved her, and preserved her to to to to to to to to to to be to bethe promised land and preserved some dignity to my bloodlest. OK, what's it? I got to be honest, dude. The SpongeBob thing is like the least embarrassing thing going on. Oh my God. Come on, dude.

Starting point is 00:34:14 Holy crash. You're talking to a bunch of internet strangers. Right. You're allowed to say whatever you want. It didn't need to be that. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. to be. the. to be. the to be. the the to be. the too. to be. too. too. too. too. too. too. the the too. too. too. too. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to. to me. to. to me. the the the the the the the the the least. the least. the least. I. the least. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the promise laugh. Having something stupid come up in the middle of that and like laughing, that's the joie deve. That's like, that's the joy of an intimacy. And then it's like, okay, 10 minutes later, yeah. Have a laugh. Be like, ha ha. that bad. I feel like this is an easy recovery versus some of the other things

Starting point is 00:34:45 that have come up based on Reddit. Yeah, the SpongeBob is a sweet thing like they know each other very well they're able to laugh about that. You just had a little bit too much you know we've all been there too. Yeah he's high like'm judging me for this man. Come on, don't say I'm ready to make my ancestors proud. What? Because that also, that's, that's weird on several levels. We'll bring dead people into this. Yeah, your ancestors are like, no man, we're not part of this. We actually. Actually, downboat. Some comments, are you feeling it now, Mr. Crabs? 36 episodes. No. But all read it.

Starting point is 00:35:27 Someone typed out the whole song. Oh, who comes through my mind after you smoke some weed. Sponge Bob, square pants. A yellow and porous cock blocker is he. Sponge Bob's square pants. If sexy escapades be something you wish, Sponge, Bob, square pants, then don't blow air in her face and gasp like a fish. Opie responded said, made my day.

Starting point is 00:35:50 That's crafty. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's crafty. Lastly, someone said, you mean sexy time got in the way of SpongeBob time. The nerve of some people. Ope he said, of than that moment. That was that was not that bad. Oh, honestly what's worse for me now is the ancestor comment and now that we've really started thinking about it

Starting point is 00:36:11 I'm envisioning like Mulan like where they're all floating around the room and I think that's what I'm going to envision the next time because like it's like oh, hi grandma Ellen? Like, why did that's? that's that's that's that's? that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's like, that's he have to do that to us? To me, to me. That's awful. Yeah, this guy ruined my life. This is bad. This episode of Reddit Stories is brought to you by Factor Foods. Look, if you want to eat healthy and also save time and have a much more convenient schedule,

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Starting point is 00:37:14 And you'll probably get super buff. I can't say that for sure, but I don't know. Anyways, all right. to fact. Get started today and get after your goals. Head to factormeals.com slash pit reddat 50% off. And use code pit reddit 50 to get 50% off. That's code pit red at 50% off. Back to the show. Today I fucked up by not realizing our initials made our cake topper inappropriate. Okay. I will be getting married in October of 2023 to my fiance of nine years. In these nine years I have never really put together how our initials look.

Starting point is 00:37:54 Mine being C and his being M. I ordered a very pretty cake topper a few weeks ago with our initials. It came in and I looked at it with excitement and hadn't shown anyone but my fiancé. Today, my father stopped in for a visit and I began to show him stuff I bought for the wedding. I held the cake topper and he gave me a puzzled look and asked, what does it say? I was confused as to how it wasn't obvious. Then it sparked me to look at it differently. The cake topper says C, heart, M. Except the heart is the shape size as the letters. The heart is also not a traditional shape. Making it look like it says, come.

Starting point is 00:38:37 Oh yeah. I showed this to my father in full confidence. I ordered a cake topper that just says come. Not even my fiance caught it. Fuck my life. Yeah, that's awesome. Hey. I think it's awesome. I think it's pretty cool. I'm like, dude, check it out, come. Want to slice with a come cake? Dude, come Kake? Who wants it? Oh my God. I'm down for it, whatever. Yeah, who cares?

Starting point is 00:39:08 Keep it interesting. It's still the letters, you know, it's still, you're not breaking any rules. Yeah. I like it. Just a little thing. Yeah. And that's honestly, there's worse possible combinations. So, you know, that's not so bad.

Starting point is 00:39:21 I'm going through like, who should I not marry so that nothing can go wrong there? Just someone else with the, wait. Yeah, I don't think there's a three-letter word that starts with tea, that's really bad. Don't put it in the comments. I did break up with someone over their last name once. Yeah. Well, it but it was Hyman. Oh and I just I he's super nice guy but like every time it was like I just you start to think Morgan Hyman I just I couldn't do it like it can't be me it can't have that yeah

Starting point is 00:39:54 he's engaged now so good for him yeah yeah he found love oh yeah that's awesome. Hopefully they go with her last name. I'm sorry it's like it's like if I they go with her last night. Oh, I'm sorry. It's like, it's like, if I went by Tommy Prostate. Yeah. Hey, it's Tommy Prostate, okay. Yeah, he's at a coffee shop and he's just like, hey, I'm Jeff Hyman. She's like, I'm Jenny testicles.

Starting point is 00:40:23 They're like, oh yeah. Some comments here. Carefully cut the C and the M and swap them. It's an easy maneuver commonly known as the cum swap. Nice. I once wrote cum cake instead of cupcake once. Cool. What?

Starting point is 00:40:40 Awesome, dude. I wish it had one up vote. It only, and it's 9006. I wish it had one. You got it, dude. I wish it had one up vote. It only, and it's 9006. I wish it had one. You got it, man. One of Sweden's biggest property owners for hospitals decided to skip sending out Christmas cards one year and instead took out an ad in the paper. The company is called low come and this is the result. It's low come but with the heart as the, oh, it looks like I heart come. That's, that's awesome. That's awesome. That's a a a a a a a the. the. the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's, that's, that's, th. th. that's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. to. that's. that's. that's. the. the. the. to. the. the. the. the. the. the. I heart come. That's awesome. All right. Well, that's it. That's that story.

Starting point is 00:41:08 Nice. Good time. I hope they kept it. Big fan. All right. Here's our next story. Am I the asshole for eating my pregnant wife's leftovers? Yes.

Starting point is 00:41:21 Yeah. She's pregnant. I also think,. She's pregnant. I also just think eating anyone's leftovers. Oh, it's a dushy move. I'm fighting if you eat my leftovers. My wife and I have been together for five years now, and during this time we have come to an agreement

Starting point is 00:41:36 that any leftovers we take home from a restaurant belong to that person for the next 36 hours hours. After thirty-six hours, th, so they have an agreement. Okay. After 36 hours, fair game. My wife just hit nine weeks into her pregnancy. She's in the high-risk category and has been pretty much put to bed rest by the doctors. Since she's in her first trimester, she's nauseous all the time and has been constantly puking her guts out daily. About a week ago she was actually feeling really good, was moving around, so we to to to to the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, and thi, and, and, and, and then, and, and, and, and then, and then, and then, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, I I I I I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, thiiiiiolea, somea, somea, somea, somea, somea, thea, somea, somea, somea, somea, somea, somea, and, feeling really good, was moving around, so we decided to go out and eat at our local steakhouse. We got there, ordered our food, and the second she got the food, I guess the smell of it just agree with her stomach because she put it to the side. We agreed to take it to go

Starting point is 00:42:14 since we didn't want to just waste an entire meal. The next couple of days she's back in bed, the thrown. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. th. th. th. the the the th. the thi. the the their, their, throwne. their, their, their, their, their, and, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thr.e.e. thr. thr.eateate. thr. thr. their seteen, their se.e.e. their s a good mood and got excited about eating her steak, mashed potatoes, and veggies. I told her I ate it since it's been more than 36 hours, and I was really wanting some more steak. She just broke down crying, telling me how she's pregnant, she can't control how her body reacts to different foods, how I'm selfish and don't really care about her well-being. I offered to go back to the restaurant and get her a new steak, but she just got more upset and said, that's not the point. Grabbed a spoon, some apple sauce, and went back into bed to eat it and watch some TV.

Starting point is 00:42:54 Oh, man. Yeah. Oh, dang. Yeah. I'll walk it back a little, not the asshole. They have ground rules, it is after the 36 hours, but could he have been a little more considerate and asked? Yeah. Yeah, she is bedridden right now. It's like, all right, the rules, the rules apply in general, but special circumstances call for adjustments. Exactly. I think even if you have that rule,

Starting point is 00:43:25 it's like after the 36 hours, it's still like, all right, it's been 36 hours, I'm gonna eat this. Yeah, a courtesy. It's like, that's, you know. Well, especially pregnant now, like, that added context of like, she's throwingthat was the straw that broke the camel's back right and yeah all you had to do is ask yeah oh that's tough

Starting point is 00:43:50 because it's not like she was out out of the house no something right she's right there you just you literally just be like hey stay yeah that's all you had to do oh poor thin the verdict was no assholes here okay so to the tho to the thi to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to to to to to to to to to to to the. to the. Oh, poor thing. The verdict was no assholes here. Okay. Some comments, man, just apologize and go get her the stake and some flowers. Pregnancies can be hard and it really can make women very emotional. As men, we can't possibly understand what that is like to go through. You're going to have to cut her some slack here. Furthermore, it doesn't matter who is right or wrong here. That isn't what a marriage is or should be about. You you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you the one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one. You the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. the. th. the the the th. the the th. the the. the. the. the. th. the. th. th. th. th. who is right or wrong here. That isn't what a marriage is or should be about. You're one unit. Keeping score is not going to lead to anything good. No one's the asshole. Go take care of your pregnant wife, get her some flowers, buy her that stake, rubber feet, say how sorry you are. 16,000 up votes. Yeah, that's the answer.

Starting point is 00:44:38 Yeah, well done. Going, you're the asshole. Belongs to that person for the next 36 hours after that it's free game. I like that rule, reasonable, fair, keeps shit from sitting in the fridge for weeks. My pregnant wife, game suspended due to pregnancy. Sorry, dude, that rule is not enforceable for the next seven months. Yeah. Yeah. and up votes. Soft, you're the asshole. The game changes when there are health concerns and pregnancy. It would have taken you all of two minutes to ask. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:09 Yeah, it was easy. And like nine weeks, high risk. She's bedridden at nine weeks. Like, I feel like that's, it must be really intense. Yeah. And so you almost should be going to. Right. Like that psychologically and like emotionally for her, she's going through this huge change and she's bedridden and super sick. Like you got to be a good partner and like go the extra length to ensure she's good and taking care of. And he's, he could have fully just gotten any other food. Like he could order food, he could go get something.

Starting point is 00:45:41 It's just like, yeah. He could have ordered himself another steak if he wanted more exactly. Exactly. Yeah. But just it this feels just like a like a dufous guy kind of slip up moment where it's just like, oh no, I'm sorry I love you. There's also an insane track record of like any am I the asshole written from a guy and it has to do with his wife and food. It's like... It's always, it's always like, dude, you're probably in the wrong. Yeah. Like, it's fascinating. Moving on. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:14 Here we go. Am I the asshole for not just dropping it and putting a blanket veto on all TV show names for our son? Okay. Me and my wife are having our first kid soon, and no, it is going to be a boy. It's been hard to come to an agreement on names. She is very firm on picking a name that we both agree on, but we pretty much have opposite tastes.

Starting point is 00:46:36 I have a very, very basic and common first name, which I like, so I gravitate towards simple and classic names like James, William, and Daniel. She likes not that. She suggested the name Dean the other day, and I was considering it, until I found out she picked it because it was the name of her teen TV crush. She dug in her heels and insisted that she just liked the name and wasn't going to name her kid after the character, and watching an old episode of the show just reminded her the name. I'm like, that is exactly what naming your kid after a TV character means. So I said, how about this?

Starting point is 00:47:11 I'm going to give you a preemptive blanket veto on TV show names. I don't want to hear suggestions for a little Zucco or Sherlock or anything like that. And literally any other name is on the table. Is that fair? And she said, no. That is not fair, and I'm being a dick and putting words in her mouth. My position is that if you're gonna try to pick a TV name for your own kid, at least own up to it

Starting point is 00:47:33 and admit it's a TV name. I'm more annoyed at the transparent denial at this point than the fact that she suggested it in that first place. Well, I got bad news for him. James, William, and Daniel are all in TV shows. Yep, I was just going to say every name has been in a TV show probably. Come on. Fresh Prince, there's William. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:57 And they couldn't use it again after that. Can't use it again. Never, never, yeah. Her reasoning is fine. It's like, oh, yeah,, yeah, strange. I mean, her reasoning is fine. Yeah. It's like, oh, yeah, that was a name on a TV show. It sounded cool. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:10 Dean's also in that category of normal names for me. It is. Dean is a normal name. Yeah. Yeah. He is clearly jealous about the crush thing. Like, a little insecure. Because he's like, you, you liked you, you, you, you, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, you like, to like, to like, to like, to like, to like, to insecure, because he's like, oh yeah, you liked him when you were young? What about me?

Starting point is 00:48:27 Fine, we can name him a TV name. Yeah. All right, made our son Columbo. Yeah. I mean, it's better than, like an ex-girlfriend. We've had those stories too. Where it's like an ex-girlfriend or an ex-fiance that's past. And, like, there's there's there's there's there's their their their their their their their their their their their their's their's their's thirty thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thoomk, thi. thi, thiolk, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. tho, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to-a. to-a. to-a. to-a. toe-a. toe-a. toe-a. toe. to-a. thi. thi-a. an ex-fiance that's past and like there's stories like that so it's like a fictional character from a show it's better

Starting point is 00:48:51 It's totally fine. It's like there's only so many names out there and so many people named their kids after just like uh this name sounds good like Like a lot of names don't have meaning like I don't think my name had meaning I thin. I think like it cool cool. this this this this this this this this this th th th th th th th th th th th. th. the they. they. they. they. they. they. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their their. their. their. their their. their. their. their their their their their their thi. thi. thi. thi. teeooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. the. their their their meaning. I think it was just like Shane. All right. Like it. Cool. Yeah. Sounds good. She could have positioned it like I want to name him after this like school deem that I love. I don't know. Just lied. Just lied. Little way lie. Some comments here. James and his giant peach. William Willie Wonka and Daniel Danny Turner would all tell you how stupid this idea is and those are just the first few I thought of off the top of my head. You're the asshole. Can you name a single name that hasn't been used in TV or movies? Info, someone else said, info. Did she get the name Dean from Gilmore Girls? Because if so, I wouldn't name my child after him either. Opie said you're weirdly close it's Dean from Supernatural.

Starting point is 00:49:48 That's what I was thinking because he is hot. Yeah I knew I knew immediately but you know. I like that has 69 up votes our producer made sure to put in noise. Noice. So this original comment was deleted, but O.P. said, you know, weirdly, this comment actually helped me because my knee-jerk reaction was, fuck this guy, he can't tell me what my own thoughts and actions would be. But then I realize that's pretty much what I've been doing. My wife has probably been thinking, fuck this guy, he can't tell me what name was more than just a name in my own head about me. And I am mad at her for digging in her heels, but then what have I been doing for the last half hour?

Starting point is 00:50:31 And with a bunch of internet randos, no offense. So actually, yeah, I will apologize for being an ass when she gets home. Dean is still not going to be the name, I know. I was already not 100% on it before this whole bout of nonsense. And now th th th th th th, th, and now, and now, and now, th, th, and now, th, th, th, th, th, th, the th, th, th, th, th, thi, thin, the the, tho, tho, the, the, the, the the, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, I, told, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the the the the the the the the te, te, tell, tell, tell, tell, tell, te, tell, tell, tell, te, tell, tell, tell, And now it feels tainted by the drama on top of that, but maybe my olive branch can be me being more compromising on the names she likes. She has a lot of Irish names on her list that sound like common names but have weird, for here, spellings. If we can find one that sounds common enough and is at least spelled like it sounds so that everyone he meets doesn't say it wrong, that might work.

Starting point is 00:51:07 311 up votes. Okay, some self-awareness there. I like it. Yeah, I kind of came back around. You know, I was going to say in the original story, there's, he's the asshole for how he wrote it. You know, I was going to say in the the original story, there's, there's, there's, there, there, there,'s another one who fits into the category of an asshole for how he wrote it. Yeah. It's not that serious, and like they're already in agreement that it's got to be a mutual

Starting point is 00:51:31 decision, so at least they have that going for them. But like to just be like, ah, all TVs. It's like, that's, you got. Also, Sherlock is, like, he knows it's from a book first, right? Shh, don't let him know. I like that, Reddit gave him some life lessons. It's like, hey, call your therapist, cancel. Just go on Reddit. You'll learn everything about your life on there.

Starting point is 00:51:58 Barely. Final story here. This comes from relationship advice. The title is, my girlfriend smells. Say 24-year-old woman, writing about a 24-year-old woman. My girlfriend and I made it official and started telling family and friends we're dating. The first time we cuddled, she smelled like dog poop. I didn't want to put my nose near her and that's the only thing I could think about being close to her her.

Starting point is 00:52:27 I pushed it aside. We made plans on the fly that night, and I didn't think too much of it. She probably didn't get the chance to shower before coming over and forgot to brush her teeth. I regretfully overlooked it completely. The smell wasn't as intense, but still bad. It didn't smell like dog poop this time, but as if she wore a dirty beanie for three days straight and didn't wash her hair after. I was so disappointed because I was planning to kiss her tonight and make a move but couldn't pull myself to, because of the unclean smell. What do I say to her?

Starting point is 00:52:58 I really like her, and I couldn't break up's kind, caring, understanding, funny, and a joy to be around. I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I definitely don't want to break up with her. I see a future together, but I need something to change. Any words of advice? Got a big edit here, bigger than the original post. A lot, a lot, and I tea told her in any of those moments, so I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I'll to to the to to to the to to to to to to the last few weeks, three times a week and I drive in my car everywhere we go. We've hugged a lot and I never smelled her in any of those moments until we were up close and personal. The only times I ever smelled it were those two times I put my head on hers.

Starting point is 00:53:33 A lot of you mentioned it could be her diet, her hair, her shower habits, her mental health getting the bed of her and being unhygienic, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her pets, her their, and her pets, and her pets, her their, her, her, her, her, her, her, her, and her, and her, and her, and her, and her, and her, and her, and her, and her, and her, and her, and her, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and the their, and their, and their, and the the their, and their, and the the their, and the the the the the the the the their, and their their their t. the their tie, their their their tie, their their their thea, and their, and thi, and wash products, or new piercings. She has diagnosed gastroenteritis and something else with her gut. So she has severe digestive issues that cause chronic pain and can't eat certain foods and has a hard time eating in general. This also leads to mental illnesses, but I don't think it's a lack of shower. I think it could be her hair and maybe not washing it as often, which makes sense because she has very, very short hair. She has two two two two two th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the the th, th, th, th, th, and, and, and, and, thi, and, and, and, and, and, thi, thi, and, thr-s, and, thr-s, and, thr-s, teoooooo-s, and, and, thr-s, and, thr-s, and, and, and, and as often, which makes sense because she has very, very short hair. She has two older dogs, but when I've been at her house a few times and nothing suspicious came up, she's not a dirty person and she takes care of herself. She has ear piercings that are healing so maybe that too. So there's probably a lot of contributing factors, eating habits, eating habits, living with pets, digestion issues, and maybe she's not washing her hair a lot,

Starting point is 00:54:25 or new healing ear piercings. It's a sensitive topic, and I'm taking her out later today and mentioning something. I'm going to say I'm allergic to her hair shampoo and ask her to please change it. She's very kind and understanding, so yes, the conversation will be embarrassing and uncomfortable, but I will support her the best. th......... to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. th. th. to, th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the thi, the to, the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, and, the, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, the the the the the the the the the the the thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to, to, te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. the thea. thea, the the the the the best I can and be understanding and accommodating as much as she has with me. Then I guess we'll see what goes on from there.

Starting point is 00:54:50 Thank you for the positive comments. I know this isn't uncommon in partners and after reading your advice, I know how to address it. Much appreciated. So wait, is the saying she's allergic to her shampoo, that's a lie? Yeah. She's going to try try try to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their tho their their th th th thia, their thi, th th th th th th th tho tho their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. I I I I I I I th. I thi. I, thi. I'm, thi. I'm, thi. I'm thr. thr a lie. Yeah. She's gonna try to like do it case by case. Oh my gosh. You're building up a million lies then if it's not gonna work. She's to... I mean it's hard because if you're gonna be like, it's like, hey babe, you're a little stinky you're kind all the time. Then it's like, if I receive that information then it would be very hard not to think. to th. to th. to to to to to to to to th. to to to to to to th. th. to to th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. the the the the thi. thi. thi. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try would be very hard not to think about all the time

Starting point is 00:55:25 and with my partner and my stinky. Yeah. Yeah, but at the same time, if your partner says, hey, you're stinky right now, then you know that they would tell you when you're stinky. Right. So you don't have to think about that. I'm just confused, like, is it the hair the hair the hair the hair the hair the hair the hair, is it actually, and like gastro-reflex type things. Because like if she's got extreme like gird problems

Starting point is 00:55:47 or gastroentoritis, it's like that sphincter could not be working correctly. And like the bile, you could be smelling stomach bile, is what you're smelling. So it's confusing for me how it's like, it's hair, but like is it breath or piercings? Because then I start thinking tonsil stones. Have you heard about those? I learned about them about a year ago and I've been traumatized ever since.

Starting point is 00:56:10 I haven't heard about tonsil stones. Do I want to hear about tons? I have a mining tool. I got a little, it's like a pick on it because I was so scared about them. And I got I I I I I stink. Like they are horrendously smelling. Damn, yeah. So would I know if I have one? Yeah, just look at your tonsils later. You can use your phone flashlight and kind of,

Starting point is 00:56:33 and... But it'll be noticeable. You should notice, yeah. There's worse things, and there's an easy way to just be like, you know, I know you have stomach problems. Your breath is kind of bad. Like, it might be something to talk to your doctor about. Yeah. It's, it's so scary.

Starting point is 00:56:50 For flying. I've never, I luckily, I don't have a great sense of smell. So I've luckily never had the situation where I've had to tell anyone because I've never really noticed it or been bothered. I also just bothered by it. Yeah. At the gym, sometimes I notice, like someone will, it'll be like, damn, that's intense. But I just don't care that much. No. But if it's your partner and you're cuddling, you're trying to relax, I get that.

Starting point is 00:57:14 But I would be mortified to have to tell someone. It's very bad. It's very bad. If it was like four years in, you could be like, hey, babe, get a little stinky. Let's figure it out. Yeah. Because then it's like, we're together, you know, we're in this together. Right. But this is like brand new. So it's like this is the foundation of this relationship.

Starting point is 00:57:32 Yeah. It's hard. It's hard. I don't know if there's like a clear. But you do wonder, like, is the line the better answer now versus, you know, honesty, best policy? Because can you move forward together even after this? Like, is she going to be too embarrassed? Right. And, I don't know. I'm tusslin with this one. This one's hard. Some comments, a comment. I'm a bit confused. Did you know about the odor issue before making her your girlfriend? Not at all. We hung out more than than th. th. th. th. thi th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi thi. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi toge toge, toge, toge, toge, can toge, can toge, can toge, th. Can th. Can th. Can th. Can th. Can th. Can th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. the. the. toge. toge. toge. toge. toge. toge. toge. toge. toge. toge. girlfriend? Not at all. We hung out more than a handful of times and didn't smell anything.

Starting point is 00:58:08 I didn't notice it in my car or for a quick hug. I felt uncomfortable with the smell when she was half laying on me and I put my chin on her hair. Edit. I wanted to add she was in my car every time I saw her and a lot of brief hugs before and after hanging out. So I was close to her often, but I didn't smell it until I was really up close. Interesting. Got an update. Okay. Oh, I'm scared.

Starting point is 00:58:33 I have to break up with her. What? Is she eating dog poop? Today was the worst she ever smelled. I never smelled it until my nose was in her hair until today. I couldn't be in the car with her to to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. th. th. the the th. the th. the th. th. th. the th. tho, tho, tho, th. th. tho, th. th. toe, thoomorrow, tho, th. toe, too, th. th. tho, tho, tho, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the?oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo'e. t t today, couldn't be in the car with her and the movie we went too sucked because it was all I could smell and think about. I didn't even take time to say goodbye, just got out of the car, gave her a respectful hug and left immediately. She looked depressed and disappointed pulling out of the driveway.

Starting point is 00:58:59 I can't look at her. Y'all this is so bad and I feel so bad for her. I have secondhand embarrassment for her. I wish things could have worked out. I really liked her. Gonna break up with her tonight. I know it's an asshole move, but I don't think I can tell her, tell her the real reason. I'm just gonna blame it on the stress I'm going through because life is shit right now even. without my girlfriend in the picture. Ug, I wish I didn't put myself in this situation. It's funny in hindsight, but geez, I'm over it, gonna laugh and cry on the down low with my friends over the next few days.

Starting point is 00:59:32 Dude, come on, like, if you're breaking up with her, tell her that's the stinking. This is not the update. Yeah. I just think like, they were saying like they really cared they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they really cared about this person like, you should tell them. But there's another update. Oh gosh. Okay. So we'll see what some.

Starting point is 00:59:51 To sum up my last post, I said my ex-girlfriend stunk of poop and I looked past it the first couple of times, but I broke up with her after the third. I didn't notice her smell the many times we hung out, sat in my car, or the hugs we had. I smelled poop from her when my head was on hers and my nose was close to her hair. I was really immature and broke up with her an hour after I dropped her off from our movie date, probably ten minutes after I posted my last update. So she did break up with her. I felt and still feel so guilty not telling her. I saw my therapist yesterday and after they, and after, and after, and, and, and, and, the, the, and, the, the, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I, I'm, th thi, thi, thi, and, and, and, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th, and, the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thr-s, thr-s, thro, thro, thro, thro, thro, too, to, to, to, to, to, throo, thr-s, thr-s, thbing to her about my ex-girlfriend and my life status right now. Twenty-five days from being homeless and the other fucked up things we talk about weekly.

Starting point is 01:00:30 She helped me realize I need to open up a conversation with my ex. I wrote out a few letters and put one in her mailbox last night. I explained in detail what she smelled it and what times I smelled her, so she knows how she smells now. I also also the the the the the the the the their their their their I I I their I missed her I missed her I missed her I missed her I missed her I missed her I missed her I missed her I missed her I missed her I missed her I missed her I missed her. I missed her. I missed her. I missed her. I missed her. I missed her. I missed her. I missed her. I missed her. I missed her. I missed her. I missed her. tho. I missed her. I missed her. I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I'm. I'm th. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm too. I'm tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. te. te. te. te. I'm te, and what times I smelled her. So she knows how she smells now. I also told her I missed her and that I didn't think my actions through. I told her why I broke things off and my thought processed through it. I don't want to attribute mental health to this. Having PTSD or any disorder is not an excuse to be an asshole.

Starting point is 01:00:58 But the expectations of sex, kissing or even holding hands puts my body into survival mode. I'm not going to write out everything what's wrong with me here, but I broke up with her because of the smell. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I wrote her a letter and put it in her mailbox last night. First thing this morning, she messed me and said, we to talk. We talked it out and she said she's going to find a way to to to to get a way to get a way to get a way to get a way to get a way to get a way the way the way to get a way the way the the to get the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the that that. It., it., that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that., that that that., that that that that that., that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the that's that's that's that's that's that's that that that that that that that..to be friends in the meantime while I work through my PTSD. All right, well, okay. Yeah, this is great. Way to go therapist? Yeah. Yeah. And that's that's break like she she did it. She did it. She did it. She got through it.

Starting point is 01:01:33 It sounds like she's going through a lot. Cool of them to not play. Like I don't want to attribute this to my mental health, but you th. th. th. th. to, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I, I, I, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I don't, I don't, I don't to, like, I don't to, I don't, I don't, I to, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, they. Yeah, the right thing, and I know like in stressful situations, you don't want to make those tough decisions of like, oh, I can't communicate this right now. I'm going through a lot. Yeah. But she did it, that's great. Hopefully they get this worked out. I mean, her partner had no idea.

Starting point is 01:01:57 Yeah. It sounds like, thank you for telling me we can be friends. Like what a, yeah, nice, good. Right. And I mean, look, these types of situations are so scary, but they can be the way that a relationship kind of levels up. Because that's such extreme communication.

Starting point is 01:02:18 Yes. It's so vulnerable. And you still want to be thaaaa. the the tha. tha. tha. tha. thiiiii. to, the to, to, to, to, to, to, the to, to, tho, to, tho, tho, to, to, tho, tho, to, to, thi, tho, tho, to, to, to, thi, thi, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. th. th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, thi. We, thi. We, thin. the. thin. the. We, thin. the. the. the. thean, thean, thean. thean. thi. Wea. the. smelled like shit and you still want to be with me. Right. You know, like there's something kind of sweet about that. Yeah, yeah, look on the bright side. I think this is great. Like as someone that I struggle personally with confrontation, so I get how like that conversation initially, it would have been hard. It would have been awkward.

Starting point is 01:02:37 the fact you did the letter, that took guts. You didn't know the outcome from that. So that is great and like I think this is like the perfect resolution like she knows now. Like who knows her apartment water could be contaminated with sewage. We don't know what's going on. So now we can actually work to address it and you don't lose someone you care about. Right. I'm not, I'm not a confrontational person. I'm really bad at it. I have to say, I think if I was in this person's shoes, I could see myself being similar. You know, like I have to be honest there. But I think it is great to let someone know if it's something like this so that even if you're going to go through with the breakup. Right. Just just like like like like like like like like like like like I I I I I I I I I I I I I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. I th th. I th. I th. I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. their. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I'm really really thi. I'm really thi. I'm really really thi. I thi that even if you're going to go through with the breakup right just letting them know so they can they can be aware and change it right yeah I think hygiene especially because like not only is

Starting point is 01:03:32 this bleeding into her relationship but this could affect her professionally which then could affect her personally and like there's so many domino effects that this one little issue could cause. So I think it's definitely fair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's all of them. Morgan, thank you for being here.

Starting point is 01:03:50 Thank you for having me. This was a really fun assortment. I loved it. Good one, a good mix of things. Yeah, thanks for joining us. Oh, thank you so much for having me. It was blessed. Great. Well, people can find you at two hot takes, right? Two hot takes on everything. Our episode should be out by now. So check that out.

Starting point is 01:04:14 That was a lot of fun. You had some really solid takes on those. And I feel. I know. We're going to hear it. Ah, yeah. No, they were some crazy stories. They were. These ones are a little more goofy.

Starting point is 01:04:32 We had some. This was nice. Yeah, this was a nice little reprieve from that. So watch that one, then watch this. Yeah, so maybe take a breather. Wait, forget everything. Go back. Give it some time. Give it some time before you jump in on that. But check out two hot takes.

Starting point is 01:04:53 It's a great show. And yeah, you're always welcome here. Thank you. Come back anytime. Cool. And Tommy, you're also welcome here. Really? Yeah, you did. Oh, my God. Thank you guys for watching. We'll see you next week.

Starting point is 01:05:09 Let us know what other themes, categories, subredds you want us to cover. We'll see you later. Goodbye. Bye.

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