So True with Caleb Hearon - AJ Marroquin Wants to Throw Someone

Episode Date: February 5, 2026

Welcome! This week’s guest is the hilarious AJ Marroquin! AJ and Caleb talk growing up in Kansas, co-worker energy, a harrowing trip they took together to England, strength, and so much more!  Join our Substack for ad free full episodes, early access to merch, our community chat, and more! https://calebsaysthings.substack.com/  Follow AJ! @ajdeluxe Follow the show! @sooootruepod  Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings  Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Head to https://www.squarespace.com/SOTRUE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code SOTRUE  Find exactly what you’re booking for. Booking.com, Booking.YEAH! Book today on the site or in the app. Try Trü Frü! Blue bags with fruit found in the freezer aisle! So True with Caleb Hearon is edited and engineered by Nicole Lyons. Our social media manager is Virginia Muller. All episodes are filmed in The So Trudio at Legitimate Business World Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York.  A Wave series. wavesportsandentertainment.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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because local news is big news choose news not noise CBC News Are you squatting? No, I'm not doing anything I did go, I got a trainer recently and he was like, what's your fitness goal? And I was like, I want to be able to

throw someone so hard I kill them. Joking. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. Because I wanted to light in the mood, I'm so uncomfortable at the gym. So I said that. And he,

even smiling goes, we can get you there. Are we recording? Well, turn it off. I don't want to talk to this. Sorry. Sorry. AJ, I'm sorry. Don't apologize to me.

Apologize to my wife and my kids. They're outside listening to this. They're sitting out there cold. They're not allowed in. Hungry. How are you, babe? I am tired, but I'm here. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like dry too. Dry? Yeah. Oh, well, the mind looks so wet.

I walked into it. Yeah, you set me up for that one. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. I love your new neck tattoos. Thank you so much.

They're looking really good. They're fresh. My friend Angel did them. I will say I've had someone approached me and say that the tattoos make it look like I'm into like pee-pee stuff. Really? Yeah. Which I didn't think was a thing.

Most of your tattoos do give that. I think it's a combination of like bald and beard and these earrings. I was about to say that. It looks like I'm about to like, it's, yeah. The sound really upset me. The sound is like,

it's like when you close a door that has like rubber around the, yeah, it's bald. It's bald eyebrows, beard, glasses, tattoos. The whole thing is giving you can piss on this guy. That's why I'm trying to like offset it by wearing like uniclo. Yeah.

A button down shirt kind of says like, well, hold on. I have a job. Piss can come later. Most gay guys with like powerful office jobs are in the king community, I feel. Or is it most guys in the king community end up with powerful office jobs? Well, office jobs are a type of sadism. Yeah, they are. I think people who are absolutely, like you're in it for the pain.

And I think it's like more often than not, I have like have friends that do a lot of sex work and they've talked about like, oh, like their clients are like big time lawyers who. like they're verbally dominant in their day-to-day life and they want to go find someone who will just step all over their balls. Yeah. And spend their money. That's really interesting. Yeah. I'm verbally dominant in my day-to-day life and you know. And no one's allowed to talk to me like that.

I don't relate to that. I'm, you hear this all the time. It was like the whole concept of baby girl or whatever. Yeah. Where it's like she's tired of being the boss at work. She wants to be smacked or whatever. I'm like, not me. No thanks. I like carry it through actually. I agree. I am very verbal. dominant person. I also appreciate

the smack of it all, but I don't want, at some point, like, you're smacking too hard. Yeah. Like, step back, who the fuck do you think you're talking to? It's been coming up a lot on the podcast. Yeah. There's an interesting thing where this podcast where, like, things will just come up in chunks for weeks at a time. For, like, several months, it was the trolley

problem. That kept coming up. And it wasn't like I was always bringing it up or maybe I was, I guess. I don't know. But now it's kind of like whether or not people are allowed to hit me during sex. And the answer is no. You're not allowed to be mean to me in any context ever. What about being verbal?

Like being verbally mean to me? Or like aggressive? No. Unless it's like cute. You can be like a little like I know. You can't really be mean to me. You can't degrade me. You can't hit me ever.

I'm not interested in it. What do you do then? It's a tough program. Mostly you could like praise me. You could praise me. You could kiss me. Oh my God. Yeah.

Praise me and kiss me are like two big things. Do you verbally degrade people? when you're... Okay. Not a lot of thinking with that one. Right into it. Yeah, we start off the episode with verbal degradation.

Well, so many of them want it. Like, you want it. I did. Yeah. Yeah. I'm about to bus. Oh,

I can see. And it's horrific because we're trying to do a podcast. I know, I know. Or it's like lovely room. It's like so bright and colorful. I'm like,

yeah. So people want to get their dick stepped on. Like immediately. Tell me about yourself. You from Kansas? I'm from Kansas. Southwest Kansas, Garden City, go buffs.

Whoop, whoop. The podcast is actually affecting you. I've never seen you act like that. I've never seen you go, whoop, whoop. Giddy. I'm around another Midwest diva.

That's how I get. Yeah. You actually make me, I giggle quite a bit around you. We did lunch the other day and you, I was like starting to smile at the beginning of your story and it pissed you off immediately.

You were like, what's going on? What are you doing with your face? And I'm like, I'm smiling because I'm having a good time. Well, you're very devilish. And so what happened was, I think I was telling a story that I really wanted you to focus on. You started to go,

you started to smile at me like that Stephanie McMahon meme. Where she's like, and I was like, AJ, and you were like, I'm just enjoying your company. I was genuinely enjoying your company. And then it happened a second time. I started smiling a little bit. You're like, what?

What are you doing? You're not usually nice to me. So it's very scary. The pillows are soft. The fireplace is cute. enjoying myself. That's really sweet. Can we continue to talk about me again?

I want to. Okay, so yeah. Kansas, lived in Kansas City for a while, then Chicago for a long time. Which is where we met. By the way. Where we met in Chicago. That's your beard hair. We met in Chicago.

Do you remember how we met? Um, no. Wow. I'm sure it was like at the hideout or something. I was probably smoking a cigarette outside or something and you saw me. To not even try to remember how we met before coming on the show. I know. It's terrible, isn't it?

Yeah. I remembered I did not like you. Is that true? No. Ah, ish, kind of. That's really interesting. Not that I didn't like you all the way. I just had doubts about you because you were just such like, you were such a positive

like person and you seemed, I know. What's happened? You know when someone's like, even when you started the podcast, you're like, hey, like, how are you doing? I'm like, I'm tired. Yeah. Like at that point I'd be like, how are you? Like, I'm having a great day. And I was like, I'll fucking kill you.

Yeah. So you didn't like me. Yeah, I were a little bit positive. It kind of irked me out in a weird way. I mean, that's obviously like a very specific you problem that we, I hope we've worked on. But was there anything else I was doing to make you not like me? Was there anything else about me that was rubbing you the wrong way? No, I think I was just kind of a huge bitch and you were really nice.

That can't be all. There had to be something else going on. No. Not much. It was very, like, positive. I totally acknowledge that you're a huge bitch and I'm an angel, but. Yeah. thank you. The energy was very like

co-worker who was like, hey, happy Friday Jr. And I'm like, so you thought I was a cornball. You thought I was a cornball. It's Thursday, bitch. You thought I was a cornball is the truth. That's what it gets down to is it wasn't just that I was like sweet.

You thought I was a cornball. Yeah. And those things kind of interlocked. And now it's completely different. Yeah. You know. You don't think I'm sweet anymore. Sure. When you want to be. You don't think I'm sweet anymore. Yeah. No, it is, I will say, I would say,

I was definitely in like a, I think when I moved to Chicago was like the first time, well, number one, I was like 22. And it was the first time I had ever felt like my life was exciting. Like I was like, oh my God, I live in it. Like I'm my life is so exciting. I'm like moved to a big city. I'd never, I'd lived in New York for like six months for an internship. But I was like living in a big city on my own. I was very excited. It was very easy to get me in a good dude. I could tell. And you didn't like that. Yeah, you were like, this is my city kind of energy. and it was like and it was and it still fucking is. I still fucking is. I still have my flag plant in Chicago. How did we meet? Oh, I don't know. If you got to remember shit like that. I'm sure I thought you were a negative, annoying bitch. I was like this Eeyore character chain smoking cigarettes out front of the hideout. Smoking cigarettes back to back to back. No, I loved you. I love alternative people. Ouch. No. Alternative people. No, I love you. Yeah, I'm sure you met me at a very, I had a very, I had a

blood capsule in my mouth kind of comedy vibe during that time. At any point I was ready to bleed from the mouth and do something crazy and lacking. That's what everyone was doing at the hideout at that time. It was a huge time for my crystals. I felt stupid at the hideout at that time. I actually did feel a little insecure at the head out that time because I never had like a prosthetic vagina on stage. I was doing like

PowerPoints. I was doing like PowerPoints about my love life and other people were like all right, this next comedian they're so so exciting. They're one of the best comics doing it right now. And then they'd come up and like writhe around and like fake shit for 30 minutes. Yeah. And kill. And I was like, God, I wish I had that level of freedom. You went after a very thoughtful, like PowerPoint's presentation. Stupid, yeah, yeah, yeah, like a student council kid.

Friday, Jr. Yeah. I would do my Friday junior routine. Yeah. Which also the PowerPoint comedy at that point was just, it was all over. ubiquitous. Yeah. ubiquitous.

I really feel that the, when they write the, this chapter of the comedy history books, they need to give a lot of credit to the Chicago comics that were there when we were there. Because a lot of the shit that's like happening now, is a direct result of what was going on in the Chicago scene. And I'm not talking about my stuff. I'm talking about the people that I was around. But a lot of the stuff that's popular now is a direct result of like the 2015 to 2020 Chicago comedy scene. Yeah, I agree.

You know? There's a lot of processing through that. I also remember to Chicago doing comedy there was like the first time I, because I started, I did comedy in Kansas City for a little bit by the NASCAR Speedway. And they'd bring you on stage to be like, up next week. have a gay comedian. Well, it's like, well, yeah. Don't be gay if you don't want them to say that.

Also, that crowd has eyes and ears. They're going to find out in about 30 seconds. Yeah. It's just really funny. Like, you'd be about to walk on. You're gay comedian. It's like, well, yeah. Yeah, there's my whole set.

Yeah, fuck. What do I talk about now? Yeah. It was, and so to go from that to Chicago where it's like, you know, Sarah's coming out of like a giant cardboard butthole. You know, she's like being rebirthed on stage. And I'm like, no one gives a fuck about that. Yeah.

It's Sarah coming out of like a prosthetic vagina. on stage and then Meg Staltors in the back like strangling an audience member. Yeah. Yeah, it was like a fun, it was a fun era. It was a good time. Yeah. Good time. What, uh, why did you move to Chicago from Kansas City? Oh, I had just been in Kansas City for a long time and I went to visit Chicago for the first time. And it was my first time ever kind of being like in a real like gay club,

gay, like, neighborhood. I was in Boys Town and I just remember being like, oh my God, there's like more than five gay people. Yeah. And this is like what I wanted that whole time. And they're all at Berlin. And they're all. all at Berlin. RIP, love Berlin. RIP, Berlin. Oh my God. I do remember I walked into Berlin.

We went to Sharon Needles had just won drag race. This one's actually. Sharon Needles had just won drag race. We walked into Spin Night Club and I was wearing the most heroiness outfit. I'll have to find you a picture for it.

It's like I'm wearing like a mesh tank top of their jacket. I'm wearing like enough hot topic necklaces like chained together. It was like weighing me down. I had a faux hawk. Yeah. I got to bead up to this fucking sun.

Not got to bead to the gods. Oh my God. And I'm not saying that that's what made me bald. But I'm not. Yeah. It was actually a lot of like poor health issues. Yeah. That made me involved.

Anyway, we won't cross that. But went to go see that show, went to Berlin, stayed out until like 4 o'clock in the morning, ate a huge baked pancake at this place called Clark's Diner across the street. And I was like, I want this combination in my life forever. Forever. Yeah.

And then went back home to Casey, packed my shit up and probably moved out there like maybe four or five months later. Yeah. Yeah. I've had simultaneously some of the hottest makeouts of my life at Berlin and also some of the most annoying interactions I think I have ever had in my entire. It was like every time I went to Berlin, it was like, I'm going to have the best and worst moments of my life tonight. Yes.

Like I'm going to bump into some gay guy that I do not want to speak with and get cornered by him. It was me. I bumped to you at Berlin on time. I always love seeing you. You're not going to get me to come against you. You didn't like me. I liked you. I immediately liked you.

I was like, I love this guy. And I'm trying to sew discord. I'm like, you threw coffee at me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You hated me too. No, girl, I loved you. Yeah. I loved you the whole time.

Yeah, it was such a, God, I fucking love Berlin. What happened there? I have no fucking clue. I don't know what happened there. No idea. I do remember the one thing that sold me on it, though, is I was watching Kimchi, who's, you know, since been on drag race, did. I drove all night by Celine Dion, dressed like Princess Peach,

holding, like, a wee steering wheel, and was pulling, like, old banana peels out of her bra and, like, dropping them on the stage to sound. And that was the first time I'd ever been like, oh, my God, this is what art is. Yeah. You could just do that. Yeah. And I was, like, enamored by that. I'd say most drag performances I watch,

oh, you can just do that, is the feeling like that. But mine's with a question mark. You can do that? You can do that. I know, I did see someone at Berlin one time do a performance where they had, I think they had meant to, like, completely douche themselves and then, like, shoot, like, glittery water out of their ass. And then mid-performance, just a huge piece of shit came out of them.

So, and that point, that's when, you know. I had to move on. So, sorry, where do we go from here? Yeah, that was a really upsetting story. I know, I'm so sorry. That was a really upsetting story. But, you know, queer art. Support queer art.

Support queer art. Support queer art. Protect the dolls. Protect them. Protect them. For real. I pull out a knife. Protect the dolls. AJ, okay, I have a question for you.

Sure. You've traveled so much. Yes. You like spent a couple. You're running from something. I've always been. You always say that. I've been accusing you for years of running from something.

I still don't fully know what it is that you're running from. Me neither. But it's my opinion that you're on the run from something. Either an entity or a feeling, but that's my opinion. You will literally, I'll catch up with you. You'll be like, so how was London? And I'm like, oh, it was great.

So what are you running from? Well. And that's like the second follow-up thing. Or it'll be like, how was staying in an attic in Yugoslavia or whatever the fuck you were at? Yeah. You know I wasn't in Yugoslavia. Well, it's, you know, I love you.

You're my friend. I want to know what you're running from so I can help you escape or to turn around and confront it, you know, to turn around and look it in the eyes and say, I'm not right from anything. I'm running toward uncut dick and cog. In Europe. In Europe. You do the same. For sure.

But mine's a little more measured. Yeah. Yeah. But, okay, so what's your favorite place you've ever been? I'd say Italy. I loved it. I stayed in Rome. And I've done that like two or three times.

And I would go back a billion times. People there are hot. They are closet. I feel like a lot of closeted of gay men in Italy. Like you'll find them. They'll be like, oh, you're so beautiful. I want to write a poem about you. And we're like, let's go back to your place.

Like, I live with my mom. Yeah. And she does not know. Yeah. And my wife. Yeah. And my children. My children.

That's like, my kids know. Yeah. They have a pretty good idea. My kids know they're cool. But my wife and mom are not. We're on Robux together. Yeah. And so I'm like, that is a little downer.

But I think Italy's beautiful. Yeah, I'd say that's my favorite. That word. And I like London. I don't know if like, I know everything. It's like that feels weird to say. London is just a really fun party place. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. We've had fun in London. We did. That was a fun trip. It was a really good time. That was a really good trip. I got my phone stolen that trip. You did.

Yeah. Things happened to you. All the time. A guy came by while I was mid-Facetime with some friends. Guy comes by on a motorbike and just snatches it out of my hands. And I like didn't even have time to process. I was just like, Abla!

And I was like, shark-eyed blackout drawing. Yeah. I was just like, and I was like, I don't know where I'm going. And some guy was like, okay, well, let's figure out your address and how to get you home. And I remember I got like an iPhone 6S because that's all I could afford during that trip. And we're like on tour. It was opening for you during that part of your tour.

And I spent the rest of that trip on iPhone 6S. And every photo I took of us together, it looks like I'm eating KFC. Like it's just like the lens is just completely greased. I think Florence Pugh went to a show at one point. I took a picture of me and you and a mirror. Like she jumped up in front of the camera. I think it's probably the worst picture that's ever. been taken of her.

And it was like everywhere the next day. And I was like, oh my God. I like hurt her. Like it was bad. The iPhone success was a bad situation. That was a funny trip because not only were all the pictures you were taken bad,

but we, there were a lot of famous people around. And so every morning I would wake up in London and there would be a new like Twitter thread like Florence Pew hits the town with with a fat gay comedian we don't know of. And it would just be pictures of us from the night. I remember there was one I saw that was like, I woke up one morning. I had gotten like uncharacter.

drastically drunk. Like, I had gotten so fucked up one night. We'd gone out dancing. And I woke up to, like, 15 texts from friends that were all the same, uh, tweet. And I went to the tweet and it was like, it was like Florence Pugh out in London with friends. And it was a picture of, it was me standing in the street like this. And Florence grinding on me.

Yeah. And us in the middle of like a street in London. But I don't know if she was drawn. It was like the cursed child. Truly. And I was so hammered. And I was like, All right. That's a beautiful, that's a beautiful time capsule of that evening, I guess.

It's so good. I think the caption on one of the photos is just like, it's me saying it's giving iPhone 6S. Yeah. It's a picture of floor. It's like mid-action like, like just like face blurred. So funny. Incredible trip. We sing karaoke that night. We did in like a karaoke room. Smallest room. With like 30 people. Yeah. And everyone was trying to hook up with somebody in that room. Everyone was. Except for you and I, we were the only people that were actually there for karaoke. taking it all too seriously like I'm holding the book with like both hands and you're like kind of organizing like who's going next

yeah yeah yeah we're all about logistics which I appreciate you and I are logistics gays and everyone's like trying to kiss we're like ah actually she's up next fast car crazy chapman yeah now that harmony and we'll see about the kissing what about you where's the place that you've been that you'd like absolutely would be there all the time

if you could be oh I love Amsterdam I have so much fun in Amsterdam I just I really enjoy it Mexico City. I adore. Mexico City's fabulous. It's so good.

It smells like steak all the time. It does, and I really appreciate that. I love that. I speak a teeny tiny bit of Spanish. Let's hear it. Survival Spanish. Hello. What how?

Lo Siento. I'm a little of Spanish, but it's very mal. La Mesa. It's giving Friday, Jr. Is possible? Friday Jr. in the face. One of my big,

one of my big embarrassing bad Spanish traits is I just use Ace Possible for like any question. I'll just like point at something. I'll be like, La Mesa por 4, C'Esposible? Es Poscibly is like my...

I think it works. It works, but it's humiliating. I'm just walking around a Spanish-speaking country being like, it's possible. Pointing at milk. And they're like, sure. I'm like, I'm like, Cafécon Leche.

I point at ice. I'm like, yellow. Es Possible? They're like, so I basically I've just said like, coffee milk, ice it's possible. And they're like, and by the way, they're like, yes sir.

Well, I mean, yeah. They speak English the whole time. They're like, always, always. Why are you doing this? Also, like, saying it's possible,

like, you can't, there's no way you're ever going to hear no. Right. Because it literally always is possible. Yeah. It's going to be like, no, coffee and milk together, not going to happen here.

I will say in Madrid, they did not. They, the Madrid is the place I've been that they were the least forgiving or charmed by my bad Spanish. Yeah. They were,

I was like, I was like, lo siento my Spanish very mild. and they're like, okay, which is appropriate. I'm in their country. I should know the language. Yeah, or like, I try to look things up, but, um, my elbow's cracking when I'm doing that.

Okay, old. Officially near 30s. Um, but, wait, you're quite a bit older than me. No, this is good. I'm not making fun. You're quite a bit older than me. Uh-huh. I'm turning 31 this week.

Yeah. By the time this comes out, I'll be 31. Do you have any advice for me? tone it down. Take it back a notch. Whatever this is, set back a little bit. Not about you anymore.

Your old news. Don't do that. Don't do that. No, I think legit stop. Legitimate advice is don't pretend that you're older than you have to be.

I hate when people who 30s are like, oh, don't invite me out past 9 p.m. My body hurts. It's like, baby, that's Emma. Like, your body has nothing to do with being 30. Like, you need to move on. Yeah. Stop.

No, I'll turn it down. Yeah. It's good advice. Yeah. Please. I wouldn't look like you want to be verbally degraded right now. I want to be, um, I should want to be like you kind of nuanced and understated. Well, she.

Let's say it again. And hit your camera. Yeah. Show my nipple rings to the camera. Nuance and understated. I mean, you're doing 31 so far. Okay, look at those shoes. I'm not 31 yet.

Oh, wait. Yeah, that's right. Please. Okay. When I'm 31, we'll talk about it. No, I was hoping you'd have something earnest to say to me, but I guess you're really not going to give me any advice. No, that's my earnest advice, is go out and still be, I used to be so fucking terrified of,

like, there's going to be one day where I have to start wearing, like, golf polos and, like, pants up to my tities. Yeah. And then I learned that you just don't have to do that. Yeah. I've worked at a got got a goth bar in Chicago called Late Bar. That was their their mean little door girl

there for a little bit There's a couple that was working there Dan and Lisa And they're an older They're actually the people That got me to my first comedy show They're like, Do you want to host a comedy show

At a goth bar In a Polish neighborhood On Wednesday it's 11 p.m. I'm like, hell yeah. But they were just like, you know, fully themselves and you know In their 50s And I just thought

Oh, after that point Like you don't have to worry about being You know, your age or being older I mean sometimes there's certain people Where it's like, you know I have a friend whose mom is still wearing like Hollister polos. No, I think you're right.

I was just actually talking to somebody about this last night that I'm getting so annoyed by, as like a bunch of my friends are turning 30 and early 30s, so many people are doing this like really insane thing where they're like, we're in our 30s now. I mean, it's 9 o'clock, we got to get home. We're in our 30s now. I'm like, and I've gotten trouble for this last time I said it on the show,

I feel like people were a little mad at me. But like, I'm sorry, if you have a computer job, you are fine. you have an indoor computer job you can stay out until 3 a.m. and do your job tomorrow. Your job is borderline fake. You have the energy and the time

you need to like relax. And see me with a computer job and like now I'm you know addicted to amphetamines and I'm out here in these streets. You're in these streets. I'm pushing. No I think what you're saying is corrected

there's this idea of like oh I'm so exhausted and then you'll say something about that they'll be like well what about the term I hate the little horrors all the horrors. Yeah. Get myself a little treat. Are you mad at me?

Shut the fuck up. It's like a new iteration of touch my button by me tacos. Yeah. It's like, oh my God, the horrors. The horrors of your nine to five computer job? Yeah. You're fine. The horrors of like you're scrolling through like infographics and people's like, you know,

thirst traps of like them and like a swim. It's like, come on. I get that. Whatever. But it's like move on. Also, it's not a little treat. It's dessert. Yeah.

Thank you. When you're like, I'm taking myself out. solo date. Sorry, bitch. That's called dinner. You're not going on a solo date. You're eating food. Yeah. Like a person does. Yeah. You know, stop making it so like... I don't know. A solo date I kind of like. I can't lie to you. That feels a little romantic. Slibery slope. It's a little romantic. It's not romantic.

Friday Jr. Solo date's a little romantic. I like that. Like, oh, I'm taking myself out on a date. Oh, I'm taking this guy over to my house. And it's just me at my house? Why are you single? Do you think? Like, what, why don't you have a partner. You know, where's your, like, you're, like, you know. I'm just, I just avoid anything at all costs.

Like, and I do want one. But then when someone's like, I want that too, I'm like, okay, back up. Yeah. Whoa, let's take a few steps back. That's crazy to say. Yeah. And so I'm trying to be better about not oscillating so violently between, you know, I want a one-night-a-stand or I want to, like,

a long relationship. It's like I want to like pick something and be intentional about it. Yeah. I don't know. I've had ops to do it. And then I'll like absolutely find a way to back out of it. I'm like, oh, you know, he's posting like, and this one was a reasonable one. I was talking to this guy and I found his Facebook.

And then I found, I don't mean like, oh, it popped up. I looked for it. And I was like, I need to know what's going on. Yeah. And he was posting like pictures of like the rugrats as like adults. Yeah. You know, he's like, wow. It's like Tommy Pickles with like a briefcase.

And he's like, this is just what it's like. And I was like, fuck. you can never have sex with me again. Yeah. And that kind of stuff, like, you know, it just falls into it. And my friends are like, that's not that bad. I'm like, yeah, it is.

Yeah, it is. It is that bad. That's really egregious. Yeah. I'd like a Deathly Hollow's watercolor tattoo. Sorry. Sorry. I'd rather you post that you're an al-Qaeda.

I'd rather you take that fucking arm off completely at the elbow. I don't want to see it. Yeah. But that's my story. Are you dating anybody? What? What? Why would you ask me that? I forgot your ace.

No, I am Like at this point, I guess not really newly. I'm out of a relationship I'm dating I'm seeing people I don't know, dating is hard It's just like kind of a hard prospect to be I like dating I think it's pretty fun But trying to find the person who

Look, I acknowledge the same thing that Polly people acknowledge That's true, okay? When they say like it is really hard to expect one person to be everything. I understand that that's true. I am still looking for it because I'm not willing to, I'm not willing to outsource. Like, yes, I know it's hard to find one person who is like, you mean outsource that go to the Philippines?

No, I would do that. No, I just mean like when poly people are like, yeah, one person shouldn't have to be your like financial partner, sexual partner, best friend, etc. I'm like, unfortunately I am still searching for that. Yeah. And that is really hard to find. So I'm just out here looking.

Yeah. Do you use apps? I'm on all the apps. Hell yeah. I agree with that. It's just like how it is. I don't really want to be. And do I think it's romantic,

the idea of meeting my partner on an app. Not, I do romanticize it. Then I'm like, wow, of all the people in the world that are on this app, we like found each other

and actually made it to the date and then continued seeing each other. But yeah, the apps are just like, that's how it's going to happen. I'm sure of it. Oh, absolutely. And I've said it before myself.

Everyone says it. They're like, you know what? I'm just done with the apps. I'm going to, you know, I have to meet my person. No, you're not. I've never said that and I'll never do it. I know for a fact.

I know for a fact. Pause, stop right there. I've never said that. I've never said that. I will never do that. I hate when my friends do this. They're like, yeah, I'm just like, I know it works for other people, but like for me, I'm going to meet my person in the, no, you're not.

They're not waiting for you at the bar. I'm sorry. That is too impossible. We're too busy. Get on the fucking apps and go meet someone. Stop it. That's true. This episode is brought to you by booking.com.

Booking dot. Oh, where's the booking dot? Yeah. Oh, it's down there. Booking.com offers a wide array of hotels and vacation rentals across the U.S. So you can find exactly what you're booking for. There's something for everyone, even those who are impossible to please, whether you're booking for yourself, your partner, your picky teens, your sleeplight, rise early mom, or your high maintenance group chat. You can find exactly what you're booking for. When I go on vacations with friends, something I must have is a kitchen with a nice big oven and stove top where I can cook mouthwatering meals for my friends and loved ones.

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Folks, this episode is sponsored by True Fruit. In a world where there's hundreds, if not thousands of options when you're looking for an exciting new snack to try. True fru is the wickedly talented true fru True fru is making that choice easier than ever I actually really love eating these I can't lie Yeah Nicole gave me a little bit of truth serum before the

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or put them out on the kitchen table next time you're hosting friends or enemies. Uh, and watch the feeding frenzy begin, I always say. Be sure to save a bag for yourself, though. Trust me, they go fast. So next time you're at the grocery store, be on the lookout for those blue bags with fruit found in the freezer aisle. Thank you, True Fruit for sponsoring this episode. On the flip of it, though, there is a, like, a time, like, when I'll be, like,

I'll be having the worst day. And I'm like, I'm thinking about this, like, kind of situation. And then my phone will go off. It's like, you got a message on Grindr from, like, someone called, like, buy fart slave. And I'm just like... Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That will, like, have me thinking. I'm like, oh. I feel annoyed. Grindr is, I feel annoyed when people like, try to act like uppity on Grindr. Like, like, they're like,

like, when they act like they're so shocked that people are there for sex. I'm like, this is what this place is. Yeah, on the flip of it, when someone's like, I'm here to find my date. And it's like, no, you're not. No, you're not. This is not the place.

Or when people have really, consistent where their profile is just like a really hot picture of their torso and like the top of their pubs and then their bio is like looking for real connections no hookups i'm like then put a shirt on like put a shirt on and show your face then what are like pick you don't get to stop it like keep the pub pick in there but like make it pick three pick four yeah yeah sure i can know about your pubs but like i love to know about people's pubs i think we should have a pub renaissance more bush yeah yeah i want bush coming out the sides i want coming out of places it doesn't need to be coming out of.

Yeah. Wake that up. Okay. Okay. Tea. Tea, girl. Am I spilling? Am I spilling with that?

Why'd you low-key spill? Why are you lo-kinnually spilling on the So True podcast? What did you say? Lo-kenuantly? I'm low-kenuantly spilling right now. I'm not even going to touch that shit. I am too... That's where I will say I am too old about that.

You don't know lo-canuantly? No. No. I just learned how to start, using cracked recently. This is low. Someone was like, did you get cracked? And I was like, like,

like, low key, you're learning it as it's like on its way out. Low key and genuinely. Low key and genuinely. Stupid. Really stupid, but I actually like it. I do like, I mean, yeah, I love like an abrieve. Yeah. Low genuinely, I'm digging.

I'd explain to someone, what's a portmanteau the other day. Portmanteau, yes, of course. Yeah, and someone was like, what is that? And I was like, gay people do it all the time. And the only example I could think of was, there was a woman on like my strength addiction who was addicted to collecting Santa Claus figurines and she was like it's like I'm living in a Santa fantasy

a Santa C and I was like and that hasn't stayed with me the whole time Yeah you like something like low can you and lean Low can you andly Okay feel free to use that with a young person in your life Yeah It's not for me you're gonna catch me I'm like a year from not being like so I'm low can you only feeling this

Yeah you have to stop me I'm not yeah nothing I don't think anything necessarily sounds cool coming out of my mouth you know what I mean. Like, I think I am cool, but I don't think when I say something like that, it sounds cool. It stopped me. It made me believe it.

Yeah. Yeah. Nice. It was a good segue off of me, like going on deep down about bushes. Yeah, no, I like your feelings on pews. I think you're very body positive.

Thank you. Yeah, you love all bodies. I love it all. It's one of the things we differ on. What do you mean? I don't love all bodies. Which ones do you hate the most? Oh, God, fat ones.

Oh. God, when I see a fat person, I'm like, yuck. I've heard you do that before. I've seen it. Hit the hymnacio, queen. Esposcibly, hymnacio? Espossi. Get your fat ass on the stairmaster.

Yuck. I do like all bodies. I will say sometimes when people get too musly, that to me is like you're a bookshelf now at this point. Like I don't see them sexually. Yeah. But then if it's a little bit like padded muscle, love that. Yeah.

Outside of that, yeah. I like the Walmart greeter of just like... Do you have any idea how strong I am? No. It made me think of it. I've never been asked that before

in my entire life. Do you feel my muscles? Come on. That's so far. Get on there. Give me some room. Hold on. I'm coming.

I'm coming. Oh my God, Caleb. People don't know. He's really strong. People don't know. I would let you feel the thighs, but I'd have to get up to really... I have no.

I think we're fine. I think we're good. My legs are... How did you get so strong? I just didn't lucky and blessed by God. In many, many facets. But yeah, I'm incredibly strong.

I could lift almost anything. I want to get that way. I want to have big arms and I want to have big cheechees. You shouldn't have lost so much weight. I... You lost a bunch of weight. I did.

And you... That's what happened. You don't have the... You don't have the girth anymore. And now it's like to gain muscle, you have to be able to eat food and I had weight loss surgery. So you can only eat like a Ferreiro Roche at a time.

That's going to take me forever. I know. It was a real. annoying to hang out with you after your weight loss surgery. It still does. No, you've gotten better. But right after your weight loss surgery, it was really annoying to get meals with you.

Oh, my God. Because you'd order something and take one bite and be like, Oh, God. Can we get out of here? I was like, God, can you undo it? Go back to Turkey and ask them to expand it. I was like really a time. I remember specifically we ate at the Vig in Chicago.

And I was like, you took like one bite of a meatball and you seriously look. Okay. To be fair, it was high acid. I was really pissed. I was like, AJ, it used to be like this. It is so hard to balance it. And also to it, even now, I'm like, I want to just floor like a dozen dumplings.

And to be only to have like, only be able to have like three of them. I'm like, this is heartbreaking. It's tough. Yeah. And I have to eat those dumplings all the rest of the day. It sucks. Yeah.

I did. When I got surgery, I told the guy, the guy that was doing it, loosened Istanbul somewhere. I was like, hey, can I also like maybe do like, what if we did a fat transfer? I got like a really huge ass. And he was like,

can only do one or the other. Because if you lose weight, you're gonna lose the ass anyway, so it just wouldn't make sense. Yeah. And I don't have an ass. I want a big ass too. Yeah.

Are you squatting? No, I'm not doing anything. I got a trainer recently, and he was like, what's your fitness goal? And I was like, I want to be able to throw someone so hard, I kill them.

Joking. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. Because I wanted to light in the mood. I'm so uncomfortable at the gym. So I said that. And he, without even smiling,

goes, we can get you there. Hey, listen to me, take it seriously. We will. You will. And I was like, oh, it is possible. I love that. Is he hot?

He kind of seemed hot when you imitated him. He's really hot. Yeah. He seemed hot when you imitated him. Yeah. We can get you there from, like, a hot guy being serious. For him to skip over the fact that I want to murder someone by just shoving them against a wall. And get right to the fact of like, he's thinking about the arms.

He's thinking about the force. Yeah, yeah. He's like, that's in my skill set to get someone to do that. I'm like, have you done it before? Like, that's cool. It was hot to me. That is hot. So I'm going to try that.

We'll see. I don't know. That's crazy. I had no idea. You're a bulk like that. Yeah, I'm incredibly strong. And I love it. I love to be so strong.

Yeah. I love to, I need to start lifting weights again. Because I miss feeling strong, you know? No. It's like showing off how strong I am. Are there any drawbacks to being so strong, Caleb? I mean, genuinely.

What's the downside of that? Yeah. Well, it's like, it's a giant responsibility. Like, I could literally hurt you. or anyone in this room. Like if Nicole, like if Nicole stepped to me right now and like she was literally just trying

to like tidy the carpet or something, right? She's trying to like move the cords around. If she stepped to me in a way that accidentally felt aggressive, if Nicole took two steps towards me in an aggressive way, I might accidentally take her to the ground like that and she would get extremely hurt

because she's so small and I'm incredibly strong. Nicole, come take two aggressive steps towards me right now. Get over here, Nicole. No, I don't want you to have to get hurt. all men in the room and you're like, I'm going to put Nicole in the walls of Jericho. If Nicole, I'm going to have a pile driver into the ground.

I can hurt you in chance as well, but I'm just the biggest case is like, the biggest threat in the room right now is to Nicole because she's small. Yeah. And also, if she stepped towards me in an aggressive way, I fear that I would react. Yeah.

And I don't even know. what that gesture is. Is that her, you're bending her spine back? She's stepping to me, she's stepping to me aggressively to fix the cord. Uh-huh.

I'm grabbing her. I'm grabbing her. This is on the shoulder. Yeah. This is on the side of her head. Yeah. And I'm taking her down there. Down to the ground.

I'm putting her down there. And she would get extremely hurt due to the force of my muscles. Yeah. So that's probably what you would say the downside is. So it's a drawback. Because I don't want to hurt Nicole. I don't have to hurt Nicole.

She makes the show happen. Yeah. But I would put her down. It's a testosterone going through your body. I'm very, I have a lot of testosterone. Mm-hmm. And I'm big and strong and Nicole's so small. And if you ever step towards me aggressively,

people should just know this. If you even step towards me in a way that could be misconstrued. Yeah. I would put you down. Doesn't matter what age, what protected traits you are. I don't care what your, yeah, identity is. Mm-hmm. I would put a non-binary person through the wall.

If they stepped to me in the wrong way. The elderly, the infirm? Oh, yeah. Do you like old people? Old people? Oh, I love them. Like, what do you mean? Oh, I love them.

Like, what do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? Love them. I love old people. Yeah, I know. I heard you. I think they're a fascinating cohort.

Would I put them through the wall if they step towards me? Oh, yeah. Like, hook up with them. If an old person, if an old person stepped towards me aggressively, I fear that I would hurt them. Yeah. I don't want to. That's just when you're this strong. Like, that's the risk you run.

Yeah. You know, I would need to like... That'd be so sad to see. If I heard an old person? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hate it.

I saw an old woman fall in the ice the other day. And I... No, that's horrible. And I pulled my phone out. Set it up. I watched her slide. She just slides. Recorded myself going over there to help her.

No, I like, I had to obviously keep it back. Did you actually see an old lady fall? I did. I did. Dude. One time, I was walking. with a friend through Brooklyn. And this woman, she was,

it's really not, it's not funny. She was my sister and I love her. But this woman, this woman came like, barreling around the corner. She must have been in like her 40s. She came barreling around the corner. And when I tell you, she came barreling around the corner

and she's not old so you don't feel as bad. But she comes barreling around the corner, she like slips on a newspaper or something. And she like flies through the air, falls, hits the ground, rolls, hits her head on a city. trash can. And then she's like, ah, oh, and I go over

and I'm like, I go over and I'm like, oh my God, are you okay? I'm so, that's so scary. I'm so sorry. I'm like helping her up. She's bleeding. She's like, scraped her hand really bad. Her hair's all fucked up and she's like, I'm good, I'm good. And I was like, I was like, come here, let's go get you some water and a bandaid or something. I'm trying to her. She's like, no, I'm good. I'm good. You sweet soul. I'm good. Call me

a sweet soul, which was nice. Yeah, that's really nice. And I was like, come me get you some band-aids or something. I was like, are you okay? Can I call you an Uber or something where you need to go. And she was like, she was like, I'm good, I'm good. And then she like, limped away bleeding. And I never saw her again, but I like spent the rest of the evening, like, thinking about her. That sucks. I'm sorry that she did that to you. I know. I hate that it happened to me.

Like, she ruined my evening. She fucked your evening up. When she hit that trash can, I was like, girl. Oh, my God. I mean, she truly was running around the corner, slipped on a newspaper, flew through the air, banged her head on the trash can. I, well, at least you tried to help her. I, I saw that old woman fall.

and I know, like, I know exactly what it would look like trying to help someone. Like, you know, when people are already helping, like, I want to go over there and just be like, oh, my God. Girl. Someone was already helping her? I'm not even bending my knees. How old was she? I'm just kind of, like, at the waist, like, oh. How old was the woman?

I don't care. And she was just, you know, I don't. You know, old enough to visibly be like, that's an old person. And you know, old people fall a certain way. Yeah. It's like, they kind of crumple. Like, they don't, like, fall, like, they fall fully flat back. Yeah.

You know, there's no, because they're not limber and loose. Yeah. It's just fully flat. And that's how I could tell. That's why you have to do yoga. I know. You have to be doing yoga. I'm doing yoga three or four times a day.

Really? Right. Are you doing it right now? Oh yeah. This is yoga. I will be limber. Yeah. At an old age.

When I fall, it will be beautiful. You're going to fall into the splits. Yes. And pull yourself back out. No, really? Do you think she broke anything or was hurt? Probably. I think so.

I think so. I'm serious. I don't know. There was three people already over there. If I go, you guys, if I go over there, people are going to know I'm faking out. Yeah. People know why I'm like, my heart wasn't in it. If it happened closer, if I was first on the scene, it would be different.

I'm walking, I'm crossing the street to three other people. What am I going to do? Like, kind of like hold my arms like this. My heart wasn't in it. Like, there was nothing to do. Someone's already on the phone. calling. Someone's already holding her. What am I going to do? Yeah.

Offer. Holding her. Someone's scooping the fragments of her scold back together. Someone's already on the phone calling. Someone's holding her. Where do I fit in? Yeah. And my bus is like, it's coming. I don't want to miss my bus.

It's 10 minute. Wait. Well, two rights don't make two wrongs to make it right. If I miss my bus and she fell down, nothing got better. It's a lose-lose. Someone should be winning out of here and it should be me. Yeah. Anyway, sorry to her, sorry to her family, RIP to the diva. To the diva. RIP to a doll. Yeah.

Lo-kenuantly loved her down. Lo-kenuously, we lost the doll. We lost, yeah. We did not protect the dolls. No. God needed an angel that day, a really old angel. And he needed it in a bad way. That kind of was really sad to see.

Oh, AJ, that's horrible. That's horrible. I know. I'm starving right now. I know. I'm so hungry. We have sushi on the way, but it can't come as quick enough. No.

I'm just hungry as can be. I know. Hungry, hungry, Caterpillar. I can eat a leaf right now. Yeah, you have to bulk up. It's the strength. That's the muscles.

You have to beat the shit to have Nicole after this. Nicole, Nicole, Nicole's bringing the sushi over. I put her on the ground. You may believe if that tuna bowl comes at me in an aggressive way. If she were to step at me with the tunable in a way that I wasn't clear on what was happening,

I would hurt her and I would never want to hurt Nicole. Have you been in a fight? She's a sweet girl. Oh, yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. Did you win? Oh, yeah.

Hell yeah. She was quite a bit older. She was quite a bit older, this woman. But she stepped towards me in an aggressive manner, and I put her to the ground. Yeah. Yeah. I've never, wow, I didn't know that about you.

Yeah. This is all fresh to me. What else you want to know? Ask me anything. Why don't you ask me something for once? I'm tired of interviewing you. I just asked you if you fought someone, you said, yeah, aggressive steps, push to the ground, you hit another woman.

We got that. What's your middle name? Jarek. Yeah. Austin. Austin. Austin, Jarek. Andrew Jarek. Austin, Jarek.

American. American. American. Yeah. Marikin. Yeah, Maraquin. Yeah, you didn't like... Sometimes people say my last name.

They say it like with a flourish. They're like, Marroquine. And I'm like, why are you saying it like that? Yeah, that's tough. Like show hosts. Like you have like castinets no one can see. Just say it normal. Yeah.

Well, they're trying to be respectful of your culture. What's your middle name? Daniel. Okay. Caleb Daniel. That's a hot name. Caleb means bold. You're going to get the other one.

We're going to get the other one for goodmach. You cower. Caleb means bold. Daniel means my grandpa. Uh-huh. My grandpa. Bold grandpa. Caleb Daniel.

I don't know what Andrew or Jerich means. It's not my business. Jerich is extremely white guy from Kansas business. It is. That's a very white guy from Kansas business. I don't know what your mom was thinking. Well, she's a white woman from Kansas. so it was probably on track.

But your dad didn't get involved? I think he had some say. I think he was like, oh, well, yeah, they had some say about like Andrew. His middle name's Andrew. But is this, is that anything? Who cares? Your dad is so gay.

My dad is not gay. My dad just appreciates the finer thing. He does. He's like, it's such, it's so fun to see him like be like so, I would have friends come over and he'd be like, Orlando, have you ever had a dad?

friend whose dad has shoes imported from idly let me show you this closet he's like shows off his shoes he's like have you ever seen a guy who has 11 Rolexes and pulls out like 11 Rolexes he's just a very like kind of like Guido scarfacey type of guy yeah that's cute that's adorable like I just posted a picture on my story the other day picking up his shirt from the cleaners and it was just a silk scarface shirt yeah and all the buttons on it were guns like just chrome guns and like the lady at the cleaners hand it to me and I was like it was heavy because of the gun buttons And I'm like, that's something that he likes to wear. Hey, he likes that shirt.

I don't know. Let's clean it up. That's really sweet. How often are you back in Kansas? I like once a year. What about you? You have a house? You tried getting me to get a house in Kansas City and you're hardly ever there.

I still think you should. It's not about me being there. It's a great investment. I want you to put down roots. I'm tired of seeing you on the run. I'm glad that I will say I'm very, very glad that you've put down some roots in New York. It's making me very happy. AJ, I'm serious.

When you told me you were getting a place, because what the listeners might not know is that for a number of years, you had no home. You were, you were bouncing around the world. Every time I checked in with you, you'd be doing a new, and it's very fabulous and chic,

but I worried about your heart and soul. And when I found out you were getting a lease in New York, I'm not kidding. When you told me that, later on that day, I just sat like this and went, that makes me so happy. I just like to see you have some stability.

Yuck. Because I worry about you. Yeah. You were happy when I was no longer unhoused, as you were saying. Yeah, I don't like you being a runabout and a vagrant. Yeah And I always felt that from you

Yeah I'm glad to be here too I love being in New York What's your favorite thing About New York City Everyone here's really hot Even when they don't need to be I know we keep coming back to this

I'm always just like everyone's hot But they are Like every single person Like the ugliest person is like Even still They can get it Because they're in New York They're in New York

Yeah And then What else? Also everything is hot in New York Food here's so good The food is amazing Yeah But everything is hot in New York

About people because it's like, if you're dressed really fashionably and uncomfortable looking, that's incredibly difficult to do. Like, I know you probably walk two miles in those shoes. So I'm like, that's hot. Or if you're wearing like, when a really hot guy in New York wears, like, jeans and running shoes, like really practical. I'm like, oh my God.

I need you so bad. Like, I love, I just, everything is hot in New York. I don't know why. It really is. I, yeah, I can't get enough of it so far. And again, going back to food, I am just fucking it up. Yeah. I mean, you know, like, two, three bites a day.

Three bites. Yeah. Oh man, you're putting away one, two spoonfuls or something. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and they're good. Yeah, and they're good spoonfuls. Yeah, and you're just feeling as full as you've ever felt. How long are you staying in New York?

New York? Yeah. What do you mean? You be here for a while? Like this trip? Just in general. Like, how long while I have a least like a place here? Quite a bit too.

I move around. Not an unhoused way. But I'm not running from anything, and you know that. Yeah. What are you running towards, Caleb? What am I running towards? Happiness, joy, excitement, bigger muscles. Mm-hmm.

Good meals. time with friends, seeing the world, concerts, essay books. I love an essay book. Oh yeah, you're a reader. I'm a reader. What are you into right now? You know what? I've become way more of a reader in the last like three years.

There's a period there in my adult life where I really was not reading and it's a humiliating dark chapter in my life. A chapter? You are reading. Yeah, cover to cover, baby. Are you like a nonfiction person? Are you doing like the fairy sex book stuff? Never.

Never. Unfortunately, I can't access whatever those people are accessing. It is crazy. I'm reading, yeah, I'm reading mostly non-fiction. Right now I'm reading,

work won't love you back. It's a book about like the origins of like work and labor and who gets paid for what and why. It's pretty good. It's a little dense. That's about my level. There's a book called All Things Are Too Small that I loved last year. It's a really good essay book on like maximalism and minimalism. I just finished another David Sedaris book.

I love him. He only annoys me half the time. See, that's good. David Sedaris. Half the time I think he's brilliant and half the time I find him so annoying. And I say that with like deep gay guy reverence. Yeah. Like David Sedaris to me is an icon. Yeah. And sometimes he'll do like a little bit of like a conservative older gay guy thing where he's like, I don't want to be queer. I just want to be gay.

And it's like, shut up. But then he'll describe an interaction at the supermarket that I'm like, you're one of our most brilliant minds. Yeah, absolutely. I think that's also important to have with anybody. You want to be kind of like half annoyed with them. I like problematic figures. I like, I love, part of the reason I loved Lena Dunham is because she was always saying

something she had no business saying. Oh, yeah. And I think that's amazing. That's what our public figures are supposed to be. I love Liam. I don't do enough of it. I play it too safe. If anything, I need to push more into that territory.

Oh, I don't know. Yeah. No, I think you do a good job of it. Okay. Yeah, you're someone's half annoying gay guy, I'm sure. Oh, I'm most people's half annoying gay guy. Yeah. That's what kind of bothers.

me sometimes when people think I don't know that I'm annoying. You think I don't know. Oh, you know. You know how to turn on. You know how to direct it. I like it. That's good. I like to be a little annoying. You know what I don't do? And I wonder if you, how often you think you do this. Because you and I have a similar skill. You and I both have the absolute power to undo somebody. Like, I feel like we could both see someone, meet someone, and figure out exactly what would, like, bring them apart. Like, like, how to insult them to their core.

and I do not use it. No, it's always there though. It's there. And I know I can do it because I've done it in extreme circumstances when I've been cornered like a rat and needed to chew my way out. But the skill is there.

Do you remember the last time you used it? Probably accidentally after like a fourth martini like two weeks ago. Nice. Yeah, that's when it starts unlocking for me. I'm like, oh, I could be so mean right now. Or also like someone like elbow checks me. I don't like that at that point I get like really heated.

Yeah. Or on the road, terrible road rage. Yeah. I get so mad when I drive. I want everyone to die. I get mad walking a lot. Yeah. It's a pretty clear system.

Yeah. That people cannot figure out. Oh, yeah. There's traffic lanes. Yes. Also walk with purpose. If you need to do this, pull over, bitch.

Oh, my God. Find a fucking outlet. The stairs up to some of the train. Someone starts rearranging their bag midstep. I'll kill us both. I'll take us both down the staircase. I'm grabbing them. I'm putting them down.

I'm deadlegging them right in there. I get so mad. Someone's always rearranging their bag. You jump up and grab them. just fall backwards. Yeah, I'm ready to go. It pisses me off to no end. I don't like it.

People have got to learn how to walk. Yeah. People, or God forbid, you're walking. Someone steps out. This is one of my biggest pet peeves in New York. Any major city. When you are stepping out of a building onto a busy street that has two lanes of traffic, the right side is for walking that way and the left that way.

When you are stepping out into a traffic lane, you need to immediately match the pace of the people walking or you need to step out and step off. people who walk out of a store and just kind of start looking around. Kill yourself. Check that phone before you leave the fucking restaurant. I cannot stand it. Figure out the direction you're going before you step outside. People having that like, I love this city moment.

Great. Do it fucking elsewhere. It's pissing me off. Love it on a side street. Get away from here. Love it on a one-way street. I love that we think about as traffic because I really do. I can visualize myself like I'm in a mini vehicle. I'm merging into this walking lane.

Yeah. And I hate too when people take up too much spots on the, on the sidewalk. And you have to kind of do that thing. I have to like start like doing like a half jog to get around them. Oh,

when a group of friends is like five abreast on a sidewalk having their fucking girls moment, Shoshana and Marnie need to fucking line up. Pull them behind you. Take it out. Stop. You can't walk four abreast on a public sidewalk.

Move into line and start, you know, but then I understand that it's, there's no, there's no my life. There's just capital L life and I'm just a player in it. It's not all about me.

Look, you reach like a new solution. No, this is what it is though. I get so frustrated by things. And then I get frustrated for like a minute and 15 seconds. And then I go, that doesn't matter. And it's not your, you're not the king.

Yeah. You know? If I were king of the world, all water would be Dr. Pepper, but I'm not. Oh, my God. Yes. And we need that. There wouldn't be water. There would not be water.

It'd just be Dr. Pepper. I fucking hate water. This is all ever clear. Oh, wait. Is water a sponsor of the show? I love water. It's so good. H2O, like the compound of water

sponsors the show. No, of course not. No, water's good. It's fine. Yeah, it's important. Yeah. Should it be darker? Should it be carbonated? Should it have sugar? For sure. Of course it should. Of course it should. Absolutely. AJ, what's so true to you?

Oh, God, yeah. Oh, a lot of things actually. Oh, my fucking God. You didn't prepare. I did, I did. So true to me, I would say, I think that people should be really generous with their close friends stories in terms of who they allow on to their close friends specifically me.

AJ. No, fine. I can be more detailed than that. Also, too, it's like... No, I like that. I was just going along. Okay. Well, right.

Do you agree? No. What do you mean? What do you mean that you should just be on everyone's close friends story? I think a lot of people should add me their close friend story. Yeah. With the caveat of this. And the other part of this so true is,

don't use your close friend story to post shit that is like, I don't know. make it juicy, make it good. Show your butthole a little bit. I do this. You do a great job. My close friends is not interesting. You don't have to lie.

It is. It is industry. Industry. Oh, it is interesting. No, it's like very like, you get a little bit of insight into who you are. But like I have people who put me on close friends like, hey, the stuff that's going on, you know, in the news right now kind of sucks.

Girl, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Like, show me that V. Also, why couldn't that be posted on Maine? Exactly. I get annoyed when people post things on Close that so clearly belongs to Maine. Like you, they'll post something like that that they're like, everything's crazy right now, hope we're all doing well. I'm like, you can post that to Maine.

What do you have going on that that can't be on Maine? Also, we're just like, get a therapist. Like, don't do that here with me. Like, give me some juicy gossip, a picture that is like really inappropriate. Or, yeah, that's really it. If you want to look up porn, you're totally allowed to. I'm seeing porn every day, whether I like it or not. Yeah.

I'm a gay man on Twitter. Yeah. You're on X. You're on X? You're on X? I love it. Really? I love it.

I'm watching. I'm just seeing everyone's, like, discourse about, like, stupid shit. It's so funny. You might be the only person I know who's on X. I'm on Snapchat. Are you? I am on Snapchat. You're on Snapchat?

Yeah, me diverting from X. There's something worse. I am on Snapchat. I didn't know that about you. Yeah. It's so good. And, like, the little story highlights is, like, this woman paid $11 million dollars.

It looked like a polar bear. And I watched that shit down. It's, I have to tap through it for, like, almost half an hour. I can't believe you're on X in Snapchat. I am. I'm on truth. Social. I'm on Blue Sky.

I'm posting. Yeah. I'm an influencer on Blue Sky. But yeah, that's what I feel about, um, close friends. Yeah.

There's something juicy. I agree. Sometimes gay guy close friends is so difficult because it's like, gay guy close friends is two things. Gay guy close friends is either nudes and it's sometimes nude you want to see and sometimes nude you don't. Sometimes you get added to a gay guy close friends that you're like, whoa, I, I, I've never seen you naked before and now I have.

And am I supposed to be wanting to fuck you? Like, what is the idea? Yeah. That's actually exciting. Then another thing I've noticed about Gay Guy Close Friends is that they're like criticizing pop albums Stop it's like you can criticize that pop album on Maine They're like they're like they're like they're being like ooh not her best work and it's like you're not Yeah post that on Maine that doesn't need to be on close they're like oh she thought she shit in the mother toilet and didn't wash her hands and she did it and it's like you can say that literally anywhere

You don't have to say that at all but if you do the fact that you thought that I wanted to be included in that with you Could not be more wrong gay guy close friends is a very nefarious space but when someone has a like delete this gift and it's like over them like showing like weiner neck. Yeah. I'm like yeah I'm here for that. Yeah for sure. Let me stick around. Ween, you say weiner neck? Weiner neck. Like the base of the weiner. All right. Are they a sponsor of the show?

Water and weiner neck. Water and weiner neck. Weater neck really upset me and I'm not kidding. I don't know why you said that. It's like really upset me. You know what I'm talking about? The shoulder. I don't know why you want. Weiner neck. All right. Are you ready? Yeah. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as as quickly as you can if what I just said was True or false.

No. If you get 10 or more correct, AJ, we're going to give you 50 U.S. dollars. Really? From water. Oh, fuck. Let's... Water is sponsoring the segment. Okay, you ready?

We are open, by the way. I just want to tell any sponsors listening. We are open to selling this segment for a lot of money. If you know who wants to sponsor this segment, go ahead and reach out to wave. Thank you. You ready? Let's do it. Gwyneth Paltrow is an only child.

Yes. False. One brother. The band The Who was formed in Australia. Yes. False, England. Garden City, Kansas has sister cities in Italy and Costa Rica. Yes.

True. Florida is the closest U.S. state to Africa. True. False. It's Maine. Batch are the only mammals that can fly.

True. True. An RPO in football stands for run powered offense. Yes. False. Run pass option. Mad TV ran for 15 seasons.

False. True. Zero is an even number. No. True. Google. Google was originally called back rub. Google was originally,

Google was originally, Google was originally, Google was a number. originally called back rub. Back rub? False. True. Lightning never strikes the same place twice. False. False. Charlie X-EX's middle name is Emma. True. True. True. A standard game of bowling consists of 12 frames. False. It's 10. Subway is older than Jersey mics. Subway is older than Jersey mics. True. False. Snakes have eyelids. False. False. Dwight D. Eisenhower is born in Kansas. True. False. False. Born in Texas. Raised in Kansas.

How do you do? A strong six. Is that like the worst we've had in a really long time? That's so crazy to ask me about zero being an even number. That actually pissed me off. That's the one that got you. That really made me upset. And also the one that I got right was Charlie's middle name being Emma.

Which would be the middle name. Yeah, Charlie Emma XX. Yeah. I hated that. I don't write the questions. Who does? Nicole. To the ground.

To the ground. No, it's chance. Chance does it. I just didn't want you to fight a man. Well, if you're not going to fight one. No, I would never fight a man. I have so much respect for men. Women, on the other hand.

I know. You know, your misogyny is pretty pronounced. Why do you have such a problem with women? I love women. Oh. Yeah, don't put that on me. Oh. I was actually thinking today, I don't listen to any music by men whatsoever.

You're a pick me. I know. Drake. How, oh. I know, stop. I listen to a lot of imman. M. Not kidding. Lately especially. Lately especially, I've been listening to a lot of M&M. Yeah, we can tell about how you talked about throwing Nicole to the ground.

If she stepped towards me aggressively. I know. And I didn't know. If I didn't see the sushi, I would put her to the ground. Nicole has been, I wish my everyone who can't see. Nicole has been watching me do this every time like this. She has one finger over her mouth just smiling. I listen to Eminem. No one blinks. Because she doesn't think I'll put her on the ground. Do you want to tell people where they can find you? Yeah, no longer on the streets. I'm in an apartment now. You can find me on Instagram at AJ Deluxe.

I love you. I love you so much. Thanks for doing it, honey. When you get the other arm just to be safe? Yeah, get me in there. Christ. Yeah, we'll get the thighs off camera. But you need to know about the thighs.

Have you guys felt my muscles? Yes. Nicole, do you want to grab my thigh later? Don't do it. Nicole, it's a trick. Nicole, actually, am I allowed to talk like this? This is Nicole's exhibit. It's going to be in a courtroom

someday. All right, we did it.