So True with Caleb Hearon - Amber Wallin Has 7 Jobs

Episode Date: March 7, 2024

Come on in and sit on down, we've got another great episode for y'all! Today's guest is comedian Amber Wallin! Amber and Caleb talk their Chicago days, the latest beauty trends, Julia Roberts, and SO much more. Join our Patreon! https://patreon.com/SoTruePodcast?utm_medium=unknown&utm_source=join_link&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=copyLinkSee Caleb Live on Tour! https://calebhearon.komi.io/ Subscribe to our YouTube Channel! https://youtube.com/@sooootruepod?si=Nrj98Og2ckwfrqgJFollow Amber on all platforms! @burr_iam Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Follow the Pod! @sooootruepodSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I've actually tried several times to adopt a kid. Really? Just for content. Just for content. I need to stop saying that on the application. Right, right, right. Because they say, like, what's your plan for the kid? And I go, TikTok.

Hello? That should be a legit answer at this point. They're going to dance. There's money in there. Yes, there's money. There's always money at the TikTok stand. Amber, Amber, Amber, Amber, Amber, my girl. I am your girl.

We have things to talk about immediately. Immediately. Your husband's trying to sleep with me. My husband. I can't deny that. Your husband might be trying to sleep with me. But he only picks the best and the baddest. So I want you to know that.

Evidence. Evidence. Evidence. My husband is very attracted to you. He loves funny men. Come on. So I can make some shit shake. Let's make some shit shake.

Because y'all came to my birthday party We did And did you guys have a good time? We had an amazing time Your birthday Kayla's Where's my camera? Stop

This me? Okay That was you right there Tell them Tell them how the birthday party was You know I apologize to those girls Of you out there

Who didn't get an invite You know I too was on the C list. But I got an invite and it was just so, it was like I'm not trying to call you old. Right, okay, this is an interesting term. I think we've been to, I'm sure

you've been to so many like Gen Z little events out and around town. Just like, this is a content birthday party. Like you know you go to something and you're like, this is about the content. But your party was very like, this is a content birthday party. Like, you know, you go to something, you're like, this is about the content. Yeah. But your party was very like, no, phones away. Let's just put on some Natasha Bedingfield. We were dancing.

And get to town. People were actually dancing. Singing. People were actually talking. I think, can I actually tell you a secret? Oh, my God. About your birthday party? Please.

This is huge. Breaking news. I stole a blunt at your birthday party that was on a table. Those were out for everybody. See, but the black in me was like, I stole it. I took something that wasn't mine and I have to confess immediately. No, that was the blunt table. Well, I want you to know, like, okay, some of the listeners should know about me.

I have so much guilt that one time at a Panera Bread. Thank you. Of course. First of all. At a Panera Bread. Thank you for your service, Panera Bread. Yeah. One time at a Panera Bread, I bought like a scone.

So I gave the cashier $5. Right. Some teenage cashier was like busy doing stuff, the coffees, the scones. So she gave me back $26. She gave me back the wrong change. Yeah. Right? I tripped three times running out of that Panera Bread. Oh, man. gave me back $26. She gave me back the wrong change. Right?

I tripped three times running out of that Panera Bread. Oh, man. Because I was trying to get away with the cash. Yeah. But I felt so guilty. I tripped three times. I was sweating profusely. I get in the car with my mom, and she's like, why do you stink, and where's the scone?

And I was like, we got to go. We got to hit it. I just stole $26 for this Panera Bread. And she's like, get your ass back in there. Get that skull. Get the skull and give that girl her money back. So that's the kind of guilt I deal with. Yeah.

Your mom's, I hate to say this, but your mom's fake as hell. Because I would have been like, get away car. I'd have been like, let's go. But see, you have to, I'm a parent. So at what point do you teach your kid that some crimes are okay? Yeah. I don't think that was my mama's day to teach me that. That was not the day. I thought I stole a blood at at what point do you teach your kid that some crimes are okay yeah like I don't think that was my mama's day to teach me that

that was not the day but I thought I stole a blunt at your party no I walked past it three times and I was like I think I'm gonna steal

at Kayla's party blunt table like I need something so it was a blunt table blunt table was calling you I laid out the blunts there was no sign that said blunt table

so I was sure no there wasn't I did two well I did a lot of things for the party but two and this is my LA birthday party

now yes I had a Kansas City one yes I had a New York things for the party. And this is my L.A. birthday party. Yes, I had a Kansas City one. Yes, I had a New York one. Oh. Oh, the tour. The birthday tour. I'm not a big birthday person, but this year I just was like, that week I was scheduled to be in all three places already. And I was like, fuck it. But I will say the craziest thing I did for my birthday party, did you drink any of the jungle juice?

Oh, absolutely. It fucked people up. Yes, yes it did. The jungle juice I made really took people to a place that I have never seen so many people get poured into Ubers. Like, people were stuffed into the back of Ubers at the end of the night. Yes. Clown car. 40-year-old executives

at TV networks getting pushed into Ubers. But that's what made it feel so OG. It's like enough of these fancy cocktails, an open bar. Stop it. I want that hunch punch. And that's what made it feel so OG. It's like, enough of these fancy cocktails, an open bar. Stop it. I want that hunch punch. And that's what you delivered.

It was hooch. The jungle, the hooch. It was hooch. It was hooch. It was a little hooch. We were in there, dude. It was all of it. I'm so glad you guys came.

Yeah, Ben, Ben, anytime, hit me up. I would love to talk. He said you smell great. I do, I do smell good. He needs a night out with you. He needs a night out with me. You stay home with the kid. Sometimes I want to just, you know, cue up my Aaron Brockovich and have a good night. Aaron Brockovich. I do smell good. He needs a night out with you. He needs a night out with me. You stay home with the kid.

Sometimes I want to just cue up my Erin Brockovich and have a good night. Erin Brockovich. Now you know I'm a Julia Roberts stan. Is that your number one Julia movie? You know, I do loves me a pretty woman. Thank you. I would say my favorite, the minute I was like, Julia's not one of those. She's one of the girls. Was Steel Magnolias. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I was like, oh's not one of those. She's one of the girls. Yeah. Was Steel Magnolias.

Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. I was like, oh, no, she's not just a great smile and some, you know. She's more. She's not just 47 teeth. She's like, it's more like 78 teeth.

She's got a lot of teeth. She's got big teeth. And they're blinding white. Yeah. And I was like, but she's not just resting on her laurels. Now, have you seen Stepmom? Oh, of course. Oh, Stepmom.

Now, you want to talk about a movie that will make me cry until I throw up? Stepmom with Julia Roberts and Susan Serena. I read a review of this movie once because it came out around the same time as Patch Adams. Of course. And Ebert and Roper put out a review of this movie back when reviews were like that. Yeah, yeah. Now the comment section is reviewed. Truly that.

So for people who are like 20 and below, Ebert and Roper was like letterboxed, but they actually had credentials. So what they said mattered. And they did a review of Stepmom, this gut-wrenchingly sad, beautiful movie. Love it. And they said,

it pulls at your heartstrings, but it doesn't hold a gun on you like Patch Adams. And I was like, that's about correct. Because Patch Adams wanted you to die. Patch Adams sent you straight to the crematorium. They really took us under. But stepmom. Stepmom is real.

Stepmom had you wanting to end your life as well. I was like, how can I feel this much pain for these. These fictional white women. These fictional whites. Yeah. These fictional whites. But even there, there were so many strong standouts in Stepmom, like the little boy, Jenna Malone. We love a young Jenna Malone.

Yes, we do. Who was even the white guy? Ed Harris. Ed Harris. I was like, I can't even remember the white guy. You were right to mix them up, but it was Ed Harris. Yeah, you know that type. Yeah.

It's like the Clint Eastwood. Yep. You know. up but it was Ed Harris. Yeah, you know that type. It's like the Clint Eastwood. You're like they don't really have to say their politics type of white guy. You're like, I know where they fall on stuff. They got a little smoke to their voices. When they're in a movie, you're like, I know what they're supposed to be about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They like classic cars in a way that's a little scary.

You're like, oh, not that. You missed the time. Not the vintage car. You missed the era. Yeah, yeah, you're like, oh, not that. Yeah, yeah, like you missed the time. Not the finish, the vintage time. You missed the era. Yeah, yeah, you missed the era. You and Julia have a lot in common. Not only are you both very talented, beautiful people that I love, but Georgia girls. Oh, really?

Now, are you from Georgia or did you just go to school there? I'm from Georgia. I'm from Athens, Georgia, and then I went to school there. I knew you went to school in Georgia. You studied journalism? I did. Okay, you better do that research. Come on, you think I'm better? You better do your homework I did. Okay. You better do that research. Come on.

You think I'm better off? You better do your homework or somebody did it. Well, Chance did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I read the documents. I saw the way to hand. But I read the documents. I saw the cliff notes.

Georgia girls. She's a Georgia girl. She is. And I want to say, what is her connection? Julia Roberts has a connection to, Chance, will you Google? I think she has a connection to like, is it MLK? Okay, I see Martin Luther King Jr. in that bottom paragraph, and I want to know what that's about.

During its years of activity, the workshop was the only, oh, it was an integrated theater company in Atlanta. Of course. Four children of Coretta Scott and Martin Luther King Jr. participated in the company's classes and productions, and the Kings financially supported the enterprise. This is like her family's theater company. Yeah, so they were in like a theater business with the King Jr. participated in the company's classes and productions, and the Kings financially supported the enterprise. This is like her family's theater company.

Yeah, so they were in a theater business with the King family. That's right. What a fucking flex. I know. I'm like... But there's always just been something about her. You know who's doing Evita tonight? Young Bernice King. Come on, Bernice, get in here.

You say it. What? It's like, how does that even happen? Georgia girls. How do you know the King family and get them to support your theater company and then probably sell out your shows? Yeah. But that's, yeah, that's her big Georgia connection. Well, she's from there, but that's like the thing that I, when I read that, I was like, that's crazy.

Because I think of her as being so much different of like an era. You know what I mean? Like, I think like, oh, but that's actually not that separated. Just so there's obviously like a lot of multi-talented people today, but she's just like quintessential. Like anything you see her, like I've never seen her do something poorly. I recently saw her in that like newer Netflix movie. It's like about the world ending or something. And even there, we're kind of supposed to hate her.

I'm like, I'm still obsessed. You can't. I love her. And you know what we don't have? We don't have it. They're not making, there's two things that God is not making more of. That's land and movie stars. And movie stars.

We don't have movie stars anymore, baby. It's over. We don't have, we got some new very talented people but like julia roberts so in the south i wouldn't call kansas city the south but i feel like there's a lot of overlap with how y'all do think how y'all think about things yeah in the south everybody can do a little bit of everything like in the south you will find somebody who can act sing dance probably braid hair and make a mean you know something grit stripping grits like like you can kind of do a little bit of everything and i've been finding like i moved here about two years ago or a year and a half ago and i'll meet somebody

who's like well i can style you but i can't do this thing and i'm like i need a one-stop shop yeah you need to be able to do it all for me so she's somebody that reminds me of that time in life where it wasn't just enough to do you get that you need to be a stand up, you need to be a podcaster you need to make the reels you need to also write if you want to be getting ahead in entertainment

right now, if you want to survive and pay your bills reliably, you have to have seven careers and you can't even really be above sex work. No. I got to keep this in my back pocket. It's always got to be there. It's going to be under the bed, but I might have to look under that, see that boogeyman

every now and then. Just see what's going on down there. Just to see. Yeah, you have to have your writing for others, your writing for yourself, you have to have stand-up, you have to have podcasting, or if it's not stand-up, you have to have live performance of some kind, you have to have ticket sales. And if that doesn't work have a baby

have a baby you in a whole new market with that shit you know what I'm saying is that why you guys had a kid you're like we need content it's not not why we had no no no

we love her dearly but I will definitely say and this is probably hopefully this will be my most cringiest comment I will definitely say that because you're in a new market your net worth will double when you have a kid.

It's a whole new people to talk to. Yeah. You can do maternity. You can do mommy and me. You can do workshops. I try to still have as much of my career as I can, but once I see that kid, they're like, I just want to follow the journey. Yeah, they're just in. They're in.

Well, it's really just adding to your story. We all do that. It's like getting into a new relationship and talking about it on stage or whatever. Right, it's really just adding to your story. We all do that. It's like getting into a new relationship and talking about it on stage or whatever. Right, it's that. When your life is changing and you have fans that are invested, it's going to bring in new people who want to be invested as well. That's just normal. That's normal.

And I'm going to try to have a kid. I've actually tried several times to adopt a kid. Really? Just for content. Just for content. I need to stop saying that on the application. Right. Because they say, what's your plan for the kid?

And I go, TikTok. TikTok. Hello? That should be a legit answer at this point. They're going to dance. There's money in there. Yes. There's always money at the TikTok stand.

They're going to be big. This kid's going to be break dancing at the grocery store, and I'm going to be. You know the JonBenet Ramsey's parents thought that. Like, okay, we need to come up and quick. And it worked out. It worked out for a minute. Until it didn't. Until it it worked out it worked out until it didn't yeah until it didn't it worked out until it didn't but the publicity is still there the publicity to this day every now and then i made a gen z or that's like who the fuck is john bonnet ramsay i'm

like we this country is going to hell in a handbasket what do you mean you don't know who john bonnet ramsay is america's sweetheart america's sweetheart you know america's sweetheart and you don't know her brother ice spice is currently america's sweetheart. You don't know America's sweetheart? And you don't know her brother? Ice Spice is currently America's sweetheart. Now, Ice Spice will already have me a little bit, but being in that Chiefs box at the Super Bowl, she'll always have me for that. What's the most rare? I mean, because I love a bit.

So I'm like, okay, who orchestrated all this? Who got this to happen? What contracts were signed? Sure, it's true love, but what team of people that were like, we got to get Travis. We got to get Taylor. We got to mic everybody. Got to get Blake Lively.

Let's get Spice in there. Blake Lively. Blake Lively and Curls. This is a production. Who put this together? Did you see the Ice Spice brought that really hot music producer guy with her? And now she's having to clarify online that he's not gay. And I get it.

I didn't see him. Oh, I saw him chance and i took notice he's oh was that her date you can't really see him in the picture that chance point oh my god he's gorgeous there's a there's a picture of all of them afterwards somewhere but he is very gorgeous he's not gay i need him like i need oxygen yes when she said He's giving kind of that like Justin Timberlake. Look at him. But like it wasn't stolen. Like that's his aesthetic. Yeah, he's beautiful.

And he's cool. But yeah, once she was in that box for the Super Bowl, I was like, I'm full in now. And I kind of can't stop winning because Beyonce put out a country song. She did. She did. Okay, can we talk about that for a few seconds? Go ahead. I love Beyonce.

I love Beyonce. I listen to both songs. I saw Renaissance in did. Okay, can we talk about that for two seconds? Go ahead. I love Beyonce. I listen to both songs. I saw Renaissance in Paris, okay? I'm a part of the hive. You're in it. I do think it's a little trifling that she dropped those songs on Usher's Night. Oh. A little bit.

Because here's the thing. I never considered this. Just hear me out for a second. I'm hearing you. You do not get paid to do the super bowl you are paid through exposure so you have to pay everyone from the makeup artists to the dancers to the and and the and what comes back to you is everybody's streaming your shit the next day yeah that's the biggest perk of doing that's the biggest perk of doing all the rehearsals all the things going on stage yeah things going wrong putting yourself out there that is the

biggest perk so for everybody to supposedly be dropping your music the next day and nobody did that, everybody streamed. I'm not going to say nobody did it, but I was ready to stream You Got It Bad and call it up the next day. I was ready to have my Usher moment the next day. Didn't have it. I listened to

Texas Hold'em and 16 Carriages and I had to be on my mom's shit. This is me driving to the job I don't have like I work for myself but you're in the minivan going to school because you know I only got time for two songs and they weren't Usher songs the next day damn you don't think that's a little mess up

I love that you could have made a different choice but you're blaming it on Beyonce I love that I love that you're like you know what's fucked up with Beyonce is what I did the next day. Well, because I knew I fell victim to it. I was like, I'm trash. I was like, why am I

not listening to Usher right now? My hand was forced. You know what I'm saying? I didn't have a choice. I didn't have a choice. There's a new hot thing I need to be up on. On tonight. I'm with you. I didn't listen to Usher the next day. At a party the other day, it was like, no, Usher dropped a full album. You didn't know? I was like, day at a party the other day was like no usher dropped a full album you didn't know i was like wow that's tough how was i gonna know that's tough i will say usher's halftime show to me understood the assignment we're back we're so back on halftime

shows he brought out the right guests he did he knew the energy i would say it was a little busy it was a little chaotic at the top of the number yes and that that's it's vegas baby yeah we're doing vegas i remember thinking like where are my eyes supposed to be looking right now because i'm seeing acrobats i'm seeing pole work and now usher's on roller skates i was like oh you know yeah like they kept the eye moving but yeah that reminded me of like oh alicia you know they've been cooking her online they cook they love to cook her online they put a apple in her mouth and threw her on the pit i'm telling you. And just turned. They do that to her though.

She can't win with these people. Now here's the thing about Alicia's what? Did you hear that first note that she tried? Of course I heard it. Okay. There's a bit there's an edit that of her doing it right. Which is like I now trust nothing. Nothing can be trusted if y'all already have an edit of you doing it correctly. They do that stuff. They edit it out

when, I hate to bring it up, but Joe Coy, when he bombed at that award show. Oh. They put up, they piped in laughter and stuff. Wow. Smart. Which I'm like, all love to Joe. Do your thing, brother. But like piping in laughter is crazy.

Piping in laughter is crazy. But I'm going to be a little hard on Alicia because she cracked on, what was the song? Some People Want It All. She didn't have to sing that. Yeah. You don't sing that with Usher. Yeah. You could have sang any song that let us know, oh, Alicia's on the keys tonight.

Yeah. You could have sang No One. Yeah. You could have sang Fallen. No One. You could have just done the, I just want you, and then My Boo. Right. But you chose to sing that song and you

cracked. So we're like choices were made. You have a very anti-black woman agenda today. You came in here with one thing on your mind. One thing on my mind. But I streamed Beyonce's songs. Yeah. And I did. Yeah I did. I have fully uplifted Julia Roberts

and shat on Alicia. It's not looking good. And you're putting me in a tough spot. I am. What am I supposed to do? I think my hand was forced today already. My mouth was forced. And I love it. I love Alicia. I really do. But I remember thinking like, you didn't have to choose that song. Well, I'm going to say

something controversial. If you're ready for that. I'm ready. And it involves Alicia and it involves Pam Anderson. The no makeup trend. Oh. Are you not a fan? Look, I Everybody should do what makes them happy and comfortable. I'm happy for everyone. We all look a little better when

things are done up. Here's the deal. I'm not going on. I'm not going anywhere that there's professional grade cameras without makeup except for this show. Okay, but a carpet? I'm getting the makeup done. A carpet. I just... There's something revolutionary about it, but you can't even do that

until you've made it. Like, over-made it. So I do like the notion that, like, I've made it. Why would I do a concealer for you girls tonight? You're going to eat up whatever I put on. It's kind of like that night that Lana Del Rey wore a dress from Forever 21 on the red carpet. And I was like, yeah, fuck them.

You know how I can tell that I didn't have a very good take about the makeup thing? Is you changed my mind without even trying. You were like, yeah, but they made it. And it's kind of revolutionary. And literally in my heart, I was like, she's so right. Yeah. Pam took a lot of heat for years so i'm like you know what but just be barefaced can i just say one thing though can i just say one thing i i love

pam anderson and i am i'm team everyone leave her the fuck alone what she went through in the media was horrible her whole career but the specifically with the no makeup thing when people go she looks just as beautiful either way now no must we lie must we lie you know what i feel that way about though i feel not so much no makeup i feel that way this will probably be my worst take as well about the no bra era it um um because only some girls get to do that shit yeah but when you got like postum titties, you can't be no bra. They will eat you alive. But when you got two little bee stings,

they're like, ah, and she went braless. Just a little Emma Stone titties. Let me pull some boulders out. Let me show what a mother's breasts look like. There's a difference between titties and breasts. Like a bosom. It's a no bosom. These give life. I feel like it's like a bosom. Like it's a no bosom.

These give life. These give life, okay? I feel like it's like if I went to the red carpet and I wore like what I wear around the house. Like when I'm around the house just watching TV, I literally wear like Target women's gauchos. You love a moo moo? A stained old like improv t-shirt from college. If I wore that on the carpet and people are like, he looks just as good as he would in a suit. I'm like, no, I don't.

No, I don't. I'm comfortable and I deserve to do whatever I want. But we don't need to lie. No, Alicia doesn't look as good as she would look in makeup. But she's also wearing something. Like, she's not going to. That's the other thing. She's not going full ball.

She's not going to convince me that there's nothing on. There's some dewiness. Yeah. Yeah, there's things happening over there. Like, her makeup artist is in the back like, hmm. It's funny how she has on no makeup. Makeup free, huh? Yeah, like say that to the two hours I spent working on that mug before.

Truly. To make every freckle look. Yeah, something's being done. Something's being done. Yeah, but Pam, I do think Pam has been going nothing but. I think, hey, I'll tell you what. I believe Pam. I believe there's no makeup in the look.

I do believe that. She's doing her thing, and I see it. Yeah, but it's also just like, okay, but at this point, girl, you've got your titties done. You've got your butt done. You've got your teeth done. But sure, no makeup. Let's be natural. Amber.

You're trying to sell us that everything is natural, and that's the lie. Amber, let me say something. You said it, not me. Hey, we need you. We got voicemails from the listeners. Oh, I'm excited for this. And I know you're going love this hi so i i just have to step away from my nine to five here to smoke a full joint and ask this um can i can we know the truth about astrology babe i want to believe the stars are true but can

we depend on them let me know please do your research can't wait to hear the results um fuck see you later bye now before we start recording what i tell you about my fans homosexuals who can't stop doing drugs literally stepped away from the 9 to 5 to smoke a joint to ask this question. What do you think about astrology? Yes, that's very gay. I just can't. I'm with you. I'm with you.

I'm like, so you mean to tell me the date and time that my parents were fucking is why I have an attitude today? Like, that can't be right. That's why I'm having a bad Tuesday? That's why I'm having, like, or I just hate, because I used to work at a yoga studio. So I was in the minority even further. Yeah. Because I wasn't into astrology.

So, everybody was constantly, you know, just sharing about their big three and it's like, well, you could tell,

you could come in and be like, oh, I just had such a shitty day. They're like, wait, Sagittarius? I'm like, no,

let me tell you what happened. So I was, I was taking out my ticket to get on the bus No wait What time were you born You're like Stop

Let me finish the story Yeah Before like But they're They're just guessing And they're excusing Certain behaviors Yeah

Because of charts So I can't get with I pretend like I'm doing it Especially if like Somebody's doing my nails And they're like Girl look at this You're such a

A cancer And I'm like I'm not but You're doing a good job so i don't want to i don't want to ruin it you know cancer total cancer whatever you need total cancer by this nail la has started to get to me though i've never i don't really still even to this day like i don't i don't disbelieve in astrology i just i'm like i don't it doesn't do much for me but i have started to be like like i my friend was fucking with a 26 year old guy and she was 29, 30 and she was having like issues with it. And I was like, and I legitimately impulsively without,

just cause I've been in LA for long enough. I was like, he hasn't been in it. He hasn't entered a Saturn return yet, babe. And I meant it, you know what I mean? I meant it.

You weren't just like bullshit. No, I really meant it just came to, because it was like, that's a thing I can say, you know what I mean? Like I felt it when I was doing it. But do I believe it deep in my core?

I don't really know. I will say the most compelling argument I get from astrology people is, if the moon has the power to direct the ocean, which it does, it affects the tide, how could it not affect us? That's the best argument I've heard for it. I can get down with that. And I can get down with suggestions and fun and people liking to know

like this is going to sound mean. I think sometimes people just like to feel special. You know what I mean? Across the board. Across the board. So people like having like but this one thing about me is that I'm like Leo

rising, cancer falling. You falling, whatever they are. And they like having like, this is my specific thing. And it's my personality type. But I'm like, okay, but what do you do for fun? What do you like to eat? How do you like to spend your time? And they're like, well, you know, I'm a Leo. I'm a Leo, so you know me.

I better know I don't, actually. I don't know you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think there's something about it that makes you feel like, oh, I got a shout out. Because somebody, like, they just, like, it's so easy to get, if I'm a DJ at a, and I'm party, at the party. Yeah. This is me DJing the party.

And I'm like, where are my Scorpios at? Yeah. You just are like, oh my God, that's me. I'm special. Now, what is your sign? I'm a Pisces. So I don't know anything about that but I'll be fascinated

to see what the listeners think of this because I guarantee you there's going to be some people that go a Pisces would feel that way a Pisces would be a non-believer

this all makes sense for a Pisces I don't know hey guys if you want to hear that next part go over to the Patreon and subscribe

to get the bonus content that's shady boots like you'll start dating somebody new and they're like I wouldn't have picked that person for you. And you're like,

what does that mean? That's often me. I will say, if anyone I've ever met, I'm the most honest about my friends' relationships. Yeah. Well, I mean,

you know who I'm married to, so, like, I... You are the friend that did that to me a lot. So what would you have said? So I just came home from a date with this kooky, nerdy white dude. Yeah. He looks opposite from me.

Yeah. We vibe on different things, but we vibe. So I'm going to bring him over to meet you. And you would say? If I met Ben, I would have been into it. I would have approved. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Ben has a good vibe. It's clear that y'all have fun together. Y'all like each other. You have a lot of the same interests y'all are into like right and i don't want to use the wrong term or anything but like science fiction type stuff y'all like like that kind of thing because i'm like i know the in the community there's probably like different uh delineations but y'all do like comic-con and stuff right yeah yeah like yeah he would he would definitely be like it's speculative that's exactly what i'm talking about is he would correct me

yeah no y'all have a lot of shared interest he's a nice guy he he has a lot of respect for you he talks about you very positively y'all very clearly have an energy i thought you meant that for like the you know like the fit and the vibe and uh you know no i'm down with anything i'm very open i i don't have a hang up about really like i have friends who will definitely be like he's too ugly for you or whatever that's never my thing my, and that wouldn't be Ben either, Ben's so cute, but my thing is, me and Ben clearly gonna hook up soon.

Yeah, of course. My thing is way more just like vibe based. If they don't get in, if they don't get on with the friend group pretty much immediately, I'm like, they need to go. That's intense. Okay, so let's say like your friend's dating somebody

for a while. Like give me, you don't have to name them, but like give me like, this was a time where i just knew this person wasn't gonna last i it would be easier to give you times that i didn't feel that damn i i it's so rare that because my friends are so special my friends are such special beautiful wonderful i have some i have my i'm friends with the best people in the world yeah nicest smartest

funniest people i only attract good people in my life, you know? And I only retain good people and I'm very proud of that. The thing that I think most is true about my life is that I'm very lucky with people. So to be on the level of deserving to be with one of my friends is like it's like rarer than being an Olympic athlete. It's like you have to be so special. Wow. Okay, so they're gonna fuck up

just like... I'm not mean, but I'm like, yeah, if you come around... So you're the standards friend. That's what they call it. For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. i'm like yeah if you come around you're the standards friend that's what they call it for sure yeah yeah yeah i'm like if you're boring or if you're me if you if if i'm boring i'm with you boring or mean like i've had i've had friends bring people around that were just straight up not nice to them and i'm like y'all are brand new to this and they're not nice to you oh yeah that's that's a tough go of it yeah or i've had a situation where i brought ben around and realized that my friend was the problem. Yeah. Like, I've had a friend be like, he's not going to take our photo.

Like, you know, he'll pop up. Like, let's say I'm having brunch with the girls. And he's like, I just want to come by and say hi to your friends. And I'll just, like, keep walking the dog. And then one of my friends was like, well, we want to take a group photo. Like, you're not going to take it? And he was like, I'll take it if you ask. Like, what is this weird, like, I should have known. What is this antagonistic?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, of course, he takes a shit photo because it's blurry, you know, all of that from too far off. It's like kind of tilted. Yeah. The one friend of mine who's no longer my friend, who's like the standards friend was like,

wow, this is who we're dating. You know, like, and you're like, maybe it's my friend that sucks. See, but that's not your friends.

Your friends are great. That's weirdo energy. That's like being, that's like being persnickety and meticulous about things that don't matter. Like he didn't know that you wanted him to take a picture. My stuff is very like, I'm infallible. You know, I don't make mistakes. Of course not.

When other people do things, it's very different than the way I do them. Of course. My weird little things are actually justifiable. Right. Yeah. What's something that a guy has done that you were like, get him out of here? Security. To me? Like a guy that your friend was dating or oh a person that my friend

was dating um you gotta understand i'm mostly friends with lesbians so it's it's or yeah it could be a person it could be a girl unfortunate position of being anti a lot of women um we love lesbians oh we love which which person got the boot from you you were like no people get the boot from me pretty often here's the thing people in in all aspects of my life people get the boot from me quickly people get the uh approval from me quickly i'm quick to make up my mind my mind has been changed before it's rare my mind has been changed before um we're very similar in that way yeah i know i'm i'm like me and you both i think we're like within seconds within seconds of meeting you i was like I love this person.

Yes. Same. Yes. I mean, I had to give somebody a chop yesterday. Like, I will chop your, I'm not afraid to have a difficult conversation with you. Conflict is not a big deal. Right. Happy to have it.

Ben's like, I got to walk out of the room because I hear her voice. And I already know. I was like, I'm about to cook her ass like I cook your ass. Like, she's got to go. If you ever, and here's the thing. If you ever came for me, I'd listen. A lot of people came for me, I'd like i don't really care yeah if you came for me because you have taste and i trust your i trust your perspective thank you oh and and my best friends

will lay one on me when they're like you know you're wrong right let me tell you why and i will listen i'll listen yeah this person was like you gotta go yeah or i will say if it's something there have definitely been times where someone has brought conflict to me. Like, they've needed to check me, like a friend that I would normally let check me. And sometimes those things just, they brush up against you in a way that, like, they touch your stuff in such a way.

Do you know hedgehog theory? No. Have you ever heard of this? There's this theory. I don't even remember who coined it, but there's this thing called hedgehog theory. It's interchangeable with porcupine theory. But what it is is, like, human beings have a- Oh, the famous porcupine theory. You don't even remember who coined it, but there's this thing called hedgehog theory. It's interchangeable with porcupine theory.

But what it is is like human beings have a- Oh, the famous porcupine theory. You know, come on. Happy. Human beings are like porcupines or hedgehogs in the cold. We have a desire to be close together, to share warmth, to survive. We need to be close to other people, but we all have thorns.

Like we all have prickly things that like poke up against. So the question is how close can you get before you start hurting the other person? And how do you maneuver to continue to come closer and share warmth without continuing to hurt each other? It's inevitable that if you do it in certain ways, you will prick people.

Of course. But how do you figure it out, right? There are times that someone has come to me with conflict that it has poked my particular things and I won't accept the thing that I needed to be checked on right away. But the thing I will always do is process it a little bit

and come back and be like, hey, when I ignored you and treated you crazy, I was wrong. I took a day and that was my bad. At least you reflected. Hey guys, if you want to hear that next part, go over to the Patreon and subscribe to get the bonus content.

Now this has become a therapy session. Yeah. You're a stand-up. Thank you. You've done many, I don't know if you know this or not, but you're a stand-up thank you you've done many i don't know if you notice or not but you're a stand-up yeah you've done i'm sure every kind of gig from corporate stuff to festival stuff to your own stuff has no one ever asked you to run a set like just a couple of jokes just be like give us a feel for how it's gonna go or like and you

can say like okay i'm gonna do five minutes of crowd work here uh well you know like here's the deal yes people have asked me that and i have said there if i was in the person the person that you're talking about the position i might have also said no because i have very strict boundaries about the way i want to do things but number one i wouldn't have asked to be on someone else's show i'm not in that position and number two i would have just said no and if they let me go i would have been like absolutely we're clearly not on the same page the condescending i've been to your show yeah i paid to come to your show yeah and sat in the front row so you wouldn't need a a mini audition if you will you know but you know my work but i know your work and i would weigh that in right like i the thing about i say no to a lot of things

i think no exactly i almost start from no in my career like yes not in collaboration and collaboration i start from yes but when it comes to opportunities i almost start from no in my career. Not in collaboration. In collaboration, I start from yes. But when it comes to opportunities, I almost start from no because I'm like, this is the only power in an industry that, by and large, doesn't respect marginalized voices, doesn't respect queer people or people of color or women, doesn't respect us, doesn't want to give us what we want and treat us how we want to be treated. The only power I have is no. And so I pretty much start from no. But I'm comfortable with the consequences. And I never prove someone right. If someone lets from no but I'm comfortable with the consequences and I never prove someone right I'll never if someone lets me go with the consequence oh I've been let go I've been rejected I've been told no but you got to be able to like you can't argue with the consequences like which one is it yeah if some if I was in that person's shoes and the

exact same thing had happened and you let me go I'd have been like absolutely I know it's going to be a great show would love to do something in the future so you wouldn't hit me with that well you're just used to being around people that don't challenge your authority. Yeah. And, like, it was that. It was like, you're just used to people that don't ask you clarifying questions. So that's why I'm being let go. Also, by the way, on the challenging authority of it all, it's like, there are times when my authority can be challenged.

But when I'm running a show that I'm headlining, not the time and certainly not your place. You know what I mean? Like that's crazy. Crazy. Something very, that I'm interested in about your trajectory is that, you know, you and I met doing stage stuff in Chicago at the time I wasn't doing the internet in any meaningful way. Neither were you. Right. We were learning to be on the stage in Chicago and that was like our training, right? Yeah. And then you get on the internet and you blow up doing your funny videos. And we were talking a little bit before the mics and cameras were on, I think, about like you are such a, trying to convey nuance to your audience, right? Because you're a sexual person.

You're a person who has, yes, a husband and a kid, but a person who also is very like open about different parts of your life. You're also also you and ben talk a lot about like being in an interracial relationship how do you balance kind of like trying to convey all these nuanced parts of yourself while also staying true to like a brand or an avenue or whatever what does that mean to you yeah that that's difficult i just have to keep reminding myself because the internet has a way of making you think like well we love this thing you're one thing yeah yeah like keep doing just this one thing like you you sing to your plants like we're only gonna put those videos out but i just had to get to the point where i'm like if it makes me laugh and it feels authentic to me

there's no way this isn't gonna find who in the world that it should find. Like, I really decided one day, like, if I wear it, it's sexy. If I eat it, it's delicious. Like, so, you know, if I laugh at this, like, it's funny. You ever told a joke on stage where you're like, only I'm going to think this is funny. I know nobody else is going to get this, but I'm still going to do this for me. And then everybody thinks it's hilarious. And so I think I just have to keep that going on the internet because a lot of the principles that we learned on the stage

just translate so well on the internet to me. Just starting in the middle of a scene when it comes to improv. I'll watch a video and I'm like, why is this person starting like, okay, so let me tell y'all about what I did today. I'm like, just start the day. And then I was like, oh, I'm just going to edit like that. You just use a lot of that same.

I think Ben and I work so well is because improv taught me like, oh, there's a straight man and then there's like protect the freak or there's a monster or whatever, a dramatic character. I'm like, we just got to do that in our house.

And then some days you can be the crazy person and I'm the straight man and like somebody's going to be team you or team her. But that's like, that's just all just improv principles just taught me that, you know? Yeah. Now the internet will definitely like slap my wrist if I like have a sex toy in the back of a video.

Like that's the stuff I just, I'm like, I'm, I gotta get, what do they call it? Like a gaffe for somebody like to get in here and like take some stuff off the set. Yeah. Because I'll get a flag just because like i wasn't wearing a bra but i had a top you know i was i was i was cracking the girls earlier for no bra but like if i'm in the bed like so the internet taught me like no you have to put a bra on and a shirt on if you want to like record yeah if you want to put out content you better put that bra on ridiculous or one time um the baby was like in the back of a video just with a pamper on no shirt, no pants. And that video was like flagged for like child.

And I was like, what? And I was like, Oh my God. Like, it's just that little stuff that that's hard to like, you kind of need a team at some point, but that stuff is still like,

you know what? Sue me. Like my kids walking around shirtless, like everybody's kids walking around shirtless. Like I think think those those like funny mistakes are why people like love the content too yeah there's the a lot of the like algorithm stuff now with the social media apps like that's actually on the more defensible end that i can kind of understand i hate that it uh trick triggered i think for your video but like okay we want to protect children yeah things like that okay that that i can like see the defense for and get on board with but i really am raging lately against all these fucking

apps being geared towards like children now yeah you've got grown-ass people talking about sex and being like me and my husband were having sexy time yeah yeah i'm gonna unalive myself i'm like whatever happened to suicide whatever happened i was fucking my boyfriend yeah you know bring back suicide bring back fucking your boyfriend right like why can't you just say that but i i think tiktok specifically is is the is the the warden with that so i sometimes have been using that to my advantage like i'll start a video and then cut it and be like y'all know i can't show the rest of this go follow over here like i'm just gonna be like and then t it and be like, y'all know I can't show the rest of this. Go follow over here. Like, I'm just going to be like, and then TikTok's like, I know what you're doing.

We're not going to heat this video. But sometimes I'll just like play that advantage to it. Or like, I'll bleep out the mouth. I'll bleep out the subtitles. And I'm like, if you want to see what they said, go over here. Yeah. Like, if you're going to stop me from doing it, how can I use that interest to get you somewhere else? Yeah, even like Insta stories and stuff too, though. I'm just so bored of like, look, when Bad Bunny posted the pics of him in the bathtub, did y'all see those?

I didn't see those. When he posted that and I shared it to my story and said, if he doesn't take this down, I'm going to kill myself. Don't take that down. I'm not really going to kill myself. Or like when I want to call somebody a faggot, I would rather homophobes be able to call me a faggot than me not be able to say faggot jokingly. I'm like, just let us talk. Oh, the worst is when I see a black creator because because y'all know as women. I'm like, oh, my God.

Yes. You have to whisper it. Yeah. I'm like, what? I just don't like find a creative way to say like, like, I'm immediately taken out of the story when the TikTok language starts. Yeah. Which sucks. Yeah.

Sexy time, I'm sorry, but that actually, speaking of suicide, makes me suicidal. Watching grown up, like, adults who really pay bills and taxes talking like a 12-year-old to try and get the video to do better. There's also so many euphemisms that you could use. Like, when we were, what is good, like, knocking boots is not a fun one, but you know. I kind of like knocking boots, bumping uglies. Yes, bumping, when we were bumping and munching and pumping, like, we had a good time. We got the Bad Bunny pics. Now, these, show us the legs, Chance.

Okay, Miss Girl. It might be covered up in some of them. Show us, oh, yeah, so he just, God. Okay, Miss Girl. It might be covered up in some of them. Show us. Oh, yeah. So he just. Oh, he's so attractive. Bad Bunny, if you're listening, and I'm sure that you are, I need you. I need you like I need oxygen, brother. Give me a call.

I need to talk to you bad. He's posting full thigh crotch in the bathtub. I need to be able to post about suicidal ideation at these times. And these trying times. Oh! Yes, honey. The little leg tattoos. I'm sorry, I'm going to cry because that's like, he's so

hot. I just... That'll get you out of bed in the morning. It'll get me into bed. If I need a reason to start my day, like, wow. I need him in a way that could not ever honor God. Like, if I need a reason to start my day, like, wow. I need him in a way that could not ever honor God. Like, I... At this point, even guys, like, I did that.

Like... Yes. I made that. I need Bad Bunny. And I know I'm not unique. Everybody wants Bad Bunny. But I need him in a way that other girls don't understand. Even his bubbles are bubbling in ways that my bubble bath don't bubble.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? We don't have access to that. Those are different bubbles. We don't have access to those shiny bubbles. People like me and you don't get bubbles like that. We don't get those bubbles. Wow.

I just, oh, man, I would do anything. He knew he was, you know how you're like, oh, you knew what you were doing. I've talked about Bad Bunny now on two episodes. I need to relax. Obsessed. Oh, hey. Capital B Bad. Now, I've got an opportunity for you to make some money here today.

Oh. Now, did you know that was coming? I mean, if I got to take my shirt off, we got to do what we got to do. And that's opportunity number two. But opportunity number one is I have a true-false segment for you. Oh, okay. What I'm going to do is I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false.

And if you get more than 10 correct, I'm going to give you 50 U.S. dollars. Oh, no. And that's real 50 U.S. dollars. Okay. no. And that's real 50 U.S. dollars. Okay. Okay, here we go. These are actual facts. This is not my opinion. Like barbecue.

These are statements. Yeah, these are statements, and there is a true or false. There's a definitive answer. Okay. Okay. Okay. Quick as you can. Here we go.

Elberton, Georgia is the granite capital of the world. True. True. The first computer mouse was made of metal. False. False. It was made of wood. Barack Obama is 5'11". True. False. He first computer mouse was made of metal. False. False. It was made of wood. Barack Obama is 5'11".

True. False. He's 6'2". The word yoga comes from Sanskrit and it means heel. False. False. It's... Union.

My girl! Snails have teeth. False. True. The longest anyone has held their breath underwater is 24 minutes and 37 seconds. False. True. The last letter added to the English language was Z.

The last letter? Added to the English language was Z. True. False. J. The game Monopoly was invented by a woman. True. True.

Feminism victory. Footloops are all the same flavor. True. True. Dua Lipa has gone skydiving over a dozen times. False. False. WhatsApp started as a dog walking app.

False. False. Batman versus Superman came out in 2021. False. False. 2016. Some jellyfish are immortal. That's so insane.

True. True. CTA stands for Chicago transit transport authority. Well, false. Yeah. It's Chicago transit authority. A real Chicago and can't lie. Australia is whiter than the moon. Whiter, wider. Uh, uh, I would have had you in the first iteration of it. But let me see. Wider than the moon. Australia is wider than the moon. False. True.

How many did you get? Let's go! Oh, my God! Did I really? Oh, I was losing hope. $50 US dollars coming your way, baby. Yes! What are you going to spend it on?

Oh, my God. I'm going to buy a new pair of tits. So I can be brawless like the girl. Please don't get the $50 tits. Please save up. Get the $100 titties. That's how you get me like a nipple or something. Like, what can you do for $50?

Something. What can y'all do me for? I think for $50, they can't even get you a good bra, right? I think they're pretty. Wait, I have to talk about the moon. Australia is wider, like landmass from start to finish than the moon. Did that end up being true? That's true.

Yeah. So it's a little landmass, like square footage. The moon is much bigger. But if you were to just take the diameter of the moon and the diameter of Australia, Australia is technically wider. Not three-dimensional. Of course. Of course.

You believe that? Crazy. That is crazy. Amber, I have to ask you a very important question. question yes what is something that is so true to you i gotta break this all the way out come on i came with three but we're gonna start with my top start with my top one i'm so excited when it comes to desserts yes a quintessential like 10 out of 10 dessert for me will have three elements. Okay. Hot.

Yes. Some sort of heat. Yes. A cold. Yes. And a crunch. Explain more. So a skillet cookie for me is a perfect dessert.

Wow. You have the heat of the cookie. Yeah. The cold of the ice cream. Yes. And the crunch of the cookie. Wow. I need all of those elements for a good dessert

must have yes so even if you can't get the heat you gotta serve an espresso okay like you it has to be served with it so you do like you do like pumpkin pie with whipped cream but then you need an espresso on the side yes you're saying it just has to come or the heat can be a spice element okay does that make sense yes it could be a spice of an apple or something. Yeah. Or I could do a good like a good key lime but there needs to be some sort of heat element to it. But I need the crunch of the crust.

What's a dessert that fails this test so bad that you don't respect it? Anything like just like if they bring out like just lemon curd with something on the top. You know what I'm saying? A pudding isn't going to do it for me. Yeah. Like a mousse won't do it.

Even like a chocolate mousse sometimes. I'm like, I need those other elements. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yes, I'm with you. Like I feel like when most people name their favorite dessert, I'm like, where's the crunch? I love a creme brulee.

You love a creme brulee. I love a creme brulee, but I don't love just a swirl of meringue and stuff. Would a fresh strawberry be enough crunch for you, or do you need a brittle crunch? I don't need a wet crunch. I need a dry crunch. You need a dry crunch. That's important. That's very important.

That's very important, and I'm with you. I will tell you about this time. This is going to make me sound very bougie, but I have to tell it because I'm dragging this person and this entity. I went to Paris in May. Come on. We went to Paris in May. Come on. We went to an incredible five-star restaurant. Da-da-da-da. Had the works.

Great food, great sauces, great butters. You know, the French do their sauces and their onions and their things right. Yeah. So I'm super excited for dessert because the French do dessert. Yeah, they're supposed to. They bring out, wait for it,

their white asparagus ice cream. Now, asparagus were in season, okay? So they thought they were going to get points from me for somehow making vegetables into ice cream. Yeah. No, ma'am. No. And I tasted it, and my friend was like, but but you gotta think about the nerve to do something this creative

I don't have to think about that at all don't get creative with me get that creme brulee out here stat so I need all of those elements for a dessert to be good white asparagus ice cream is one of the craziest things I've ever heard they should be burned in the state I don't care what kind of bravery they were dealing with in the kitchen

bottle it back up you should be hung in town square. You should be killed in the town square. It's an abomination. For white asparagus ice cream. Veggie ice cream. LA restaurants are always trying to do something like that. I had a split pea ice cream once at an LA restaurant. They're always

trying to do something goofy with me. What are we doing? Every day we stray further from the Lord. If you don't be normal and make a pecan pie. Make a fucking pecan pie. What am I, a fucking clown be normal and make a pecan pie. Make a fucking pecan pie. What am I, a fucking clown to you? Bring a pecan pie out here right now. Exactly. And I kind of need like a splash of something cold with it.

Like if the, okay, the crunch is right. The heat is right. I just need something cold to flush it down. Yeah. Maybe a little iced tea, something. Pecan pie a la mode. Yes. Not a problem for me.

Not a problem for me. I'll go right in on that. It's not a problem. I bet if everything just had a crunch and heat and then a scoop of ice cream, I may have it. No big deal. I may have it. What are your other two so-truths? I deeply feel, this one's not a big hot take, but I feel like Lorde, the singer, performer,

Lorde crawled so Billie Eilish could run. Because we've forgotten about her. Maybe it's her team. I don't know, but that weird, whispery white girl thing was being done. We live in movies. Yes. That shit.

There's a humming in the wrist of somebody. Like, all of that. All of that. And then when Billie started with the copycat and the bad guys, I was like, is this Lorde? And somebody was like, no. And I was like, what do you mean, no? Do you know what, though?

Billie Eilish, I love Billie. I'm here for all of her. I love Billie. But I will say, you're so right. Because I don't know if we hadn't had Lorde, I don't know if we could have all gotten on board with it. We couldn't have gotten on board with it. I'm sad again. Yes.

That's the song. I feel similarly about Baby Spice and Ariana Grande. Thank you. It's like, this would not happen without that. That had to happen for this. Had to happen. Had to. Had to.

Do you think there's someone like that for you? Who crawled so that you could walk? Oh, Issa Rae. Down. Oh, my God. Issa Rae, Quinta Brunson. Like, I hate when people are like, you can't just like make stuff on the internet and then like work backwards from there to become a part of the industry.

I was like, oh. Some of us don't have a choice industry i was like whole some of us don't have a choice by the way some of us don't have a choice like no one's gonna take just like i have an idea so now i love that the landscape is like i have an idea i kickstarted or funded it seed and sparked it i made it and now somebody picked it up yeah like the gatekeeping is gone so for for me, those are those girls. I stand on their shoulders and can't wait to maybe work with them one day. Both amazing. I love them deeply. Quinta is a genius.

Yes. Insecure, to me, is just one of the best TV shows ever made. I just think the elements of Insecure, the writing, the depiction of friendship at that age in your life, the love letter that it is to Inglewood and L.A. in general, the fucking soundtrack. Like, Issa is just like, there's just no one like her. I mean, and did you see Awkward Black Girl, which was the web series?

Yeah, bits and pieces. I mean, I, like, it for me is better than Insecure. Really? Yeah, yeah yeah yeah I feel that strongly about it like a true love letter to black girls like that was that and of course you know once HBO picked it up they're like you can't have a show

on the air called Awkward Black Girl like we gotta reach everybody you know what I'm saying but I like that seeing that progression I love Insecure as well but like just those shitty stupid funny jokes on Awkward Black Girl will like got me through college. Will always be your, yeah. Yes.

Yeah, I agree. I'm with you. What's your other one? I had one more. What was it? Okay. So there are some things that I feel like should be crimes. Yeah.

Especially when it comes to like friendships. Yeah. These are all my two big ones. I think it should be a crime to ask your friend to pick you up from the airport okay now you and i are big disagreements on this go ahead i'm not i have especially now that i'm a parent that's the thing is your mother don't ask me to pick you up i would sooner send you the u money. Yeah. But it is like, especially getting to LAX, maybe I'll pick you up from Burbank. And if it's a family member.

I will give you an example that will have you on my side. I can't wait to be won over. It's the weekend of my wedding. Yeah. I'm the bride. It's my wedding. Stop now. My mother's like, I need you to go to the airport and pick some people up.

And I was like, mother, I can't do that. She's like, I need you to go to the airport and pick some people up. And I was like, mother, I can't do that. She's like, well, your grandmother like flew in town. Like who's going to pick her up from the airport? And I'm like, somebody's got to Uber her because I'm at the rehearsal. I'm still running around because, you know, this is, you know, our baby's Chicago budget at the time. So like I'm putting all the centerpieces together. She's like, well, like who's going to get your grandma from the airport?

And I was like, this should be a rule. A serial killer. I care anyone i have things to do so there almost reaches this point where people are like i came in town to see you like why will you not be picking me up like why will you not be escorting me to the thing that won't work and so i have i and i feel the same way about um helping friends move that's a whole nother you ain't even got how how much time we got on the pod i love you don't ask me to help you move like i'm gonna strain my back like why didn't you plan better because and they're never packed no you go when you go there everything is still out like you haven't even packed so that i could easily help orchestrate you haven't even decl so that I can easily help orchestrate. You haven't even decluttered. Yeah.

I can't help people move. Like, I'm out of that era of my life. I will say, helping people move is another thing. I'm always down if someone really needs it. I would sooner donate money to the movers. To the movers? I'll buy pizza. I'll buy pizza.

I'm not. I'd love to help unpack. And I'll send Ben over there to fetch some boxes, but I'm not helping you move. Like, I can't. We age out of that one. We age out of that one. The airport thing for me is this. Now, there are extreme rare examples like the one you just mentioned where it's inappropriate to ask. Wedding is crazy.

To me, any other time, it is always okay to ask. It is always more than okay to say no. I don't mind someone asking. And if I can't, like if it's like L.A., they need to be picked up at 5 p.m., I will say absolutely not. I wish you the best. That's two hours of your life. Three. I mean, that's crazy.

But I will say. What's going on where they can't just call a car? Here's the thing, though. If it's finances, I got the car. Specifically with LA. It's never finances for me. Right. Specifically with LA.

It's LA exit, dude. It's LA exit. Yep. Fuck LA exit. LA exit. LA exit. It's LA Exit. Fuck LA Exit. LA Ex, if you're listening to this, God damn it. LA Exit is the, why did they do it? Why did they do that? LA Exit makes

no fucking sense. You have to walk to a bus that takes you to a new parking lot where you try to order an Uber, and then you get there. Now, people who haven't done LA Exit, count your lucky fucking stars. I'll give you that. I'll give you a point there. You walk in to LA Ex and then you get there now people who haven't done la exit count your lucky fucking stars i'll give you that i'll give you a point there you walk in to la exit you get off the bus if you even took the bus sometimes it's literally easier to walk i walked in the rain last time i landed you walked you walked to la exit and you get there and it's like one end of

a two football links uh two football fields length parking lot you're correct and they have every single entrance entrance crosswalk blocked off to get over to where your car picture up. So you have to walk all the way down and around and then back to the end of the line to get your car. It's like the person who designed LAX, it literally would have excelled in Nazi Germany. They would have excelled in Hitler's Germany.

They would have been high up in the Reich. Whoever designed LAX, it will be in hell, and I'll see them there with a knife. They're going to be in a different circle than me. I will kill them in hell. LAX is, so that's why I'll ask a friend sometimes. Okay, so how do you feel about when you land in Kansas City?

I'll ask a friend there because it's easy, but also, usually I'm just asking a friend. So you're the bad friend in the group. I see where this is going. Yeah, but I'll – They're like, damn, Caleb coming to town. Like, who's – can we draw straws? Who's going to pick him up? Like, no.

Well, what's even crazier is usually somebody is borrowing my car in Kansas City because I keep a car at my house there. So usually what it is is whoever's borrowing my car, I ask them to come pick me up. I think that's fair. And then I'll drop them off and take my car back. I think that's fair. That is fair.

But when I'm at home, like just trying to keep my toddler alive and somebody is like, girl, I just landed. Can you scoop me? Like it's, it's always like, so you're in town for how long are you staying with me?

Did we talk about this? But I'm like, can I just pay for you to come to my house? Because like getting that fucking car seat together and then the baby, I'm like, well, let me go get the milk. Well,

let me go get the snacks. Well, let me go. Yeah. Like, you will do so much better to even do the football field at LAX with that. With a kid, it's so different. And also, you just touched on something that I absolutely fucking despise. One of my pet peeves is when people try to use cutesy language to change my opinion on something.

Well, they go, well, they'll go, like, something like that. They'll be like, would it be, like, would it be the worst thing in the world if you just like drop by and scoop me up? I'm like, don't try to be fucking Hallmark card cute with me about this. You're talking about a three hour drive. Yes. They'll be like, they'll be like, yeah, I thought maybe we could just like, we could just swing by the store on the way home. Meanwhile, they have two hours of grocery shopping to do. Swing by and scoop me up. When I land somewhere, I like to go to CVS because I probably forgot a toothbrush or some paste

or something. It's like, well, I might need some stockings. It was colder in this city than I thought it would be. Whatever it is. So then I'm a part of like, at this point, I'm your fucking personal assistant. Yeah. I'm your chauffeur. Swing by, hop on, scoop me. Now, I use these too, but when I do it again, it's very different.

It's very different what I do. Now, when I do these, it's very different. I had a friend recently pick me up from the airport. She offered. She's like, oh, well, when y'all land, I'll just come get you. I was like, oh, you don't have to do that. You're going to sit in hours of traffic, whatever. And she was like, no, no, no, I got you. Of course, she gets there.

She's like, oh, this is so fucking hard to get here. I was like, I don't want to hear none of this shit. Don't you keep that to yourselves. I tried to give you an out. We just flew so far with a screaming baby on a flight and now you're not delighted to see me. Like I told you, you have to pick us up.

I love you so much. Is there anything you want to promote before you go? Next like two or three weeks. Okay. So I would love if you listen to our live, if you listen to our podcast, fly on the wall and I have a podcast with my husband, Ben, our last name is Wallace. So fly the wild podcast, Fly on the Wildin', I have a podcast with my husband, Ben.

Our last name is Wildin'. So Fly on the Wildin' podcast drops weekly on Wednesdays. We do have a live show, but it'll be past. So hopefully the next city date will be coming soon. But yeah,

just listen to the podcast and follow me on Burr I Am on Instagram. B-U-R-R underscore I-A-M. Go follow Amber everywhere. I love you so much. Thank you so much. I love you too.

Thank you for having me. Hey guys, thanks so much for listening. much I love you too thank you for having me hey guys thanks so much for listening please like and subscribe on everything and leave reviews on Apple and all those places you know

you know what to do do all the things follow it everywhere also please come see me live in person I'm doing live shows as always I'm doing New York City

on March 28th March 29th I'm in Washington D.C. March 30th I'm in Philadelphia oh what else April 1st I'm in Chicago April 5th I'm in Washington, D.C. March 30th, I'm in Philadelphia. Oh, what else? April 1st, I'm in Chicago. April 5th, I'm in Nashville.

April 9th, I'm in San Francisco. April 10th, I'm in Los Angeles. And this is the first time I'm saying these on here. May 1st, I'm doing Houston. May 3rd, I'm doing Fort Worth. And May 4th, I'm doing Dallas. And on those three shows in Texas, I'm running my hour. Before I run my hour, May 6th in Los Angeles as part of Netflix is a joke at Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Spooky. So please go buy tickets and come out and see me. Love ya.