So True with Caleb Hearon - Brian Simpson Worked at The Pentagon

Episode Date: July 4, 2024

Thanks for stopping by! Today’s guest is the very funny Brian Simpson! Brian and Caleb talk Austin vs. LA, day jobs, the gauntlet that is a modern airport experience, Brian’s Netflix special Live from The Mothership, and much more! Subscribe to our YouTube channel to watch the full video episode and more! https://youtube.com/@sooootruepod?si=fxLbxyfZ3cBDPRaD See Caleb Live! https://calebhearon.komi.io/   Join our Patreon for an exclusive extended interview with Brian and other bonus content! https://patreon.com/SoTruePodcast?utm_medium=unknown&utm_source=join_link&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=copyLink   Follow Brian! @bscomedian   Follow the Show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Recorded at Bad Ladder Productions in Los Angeles, CASee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

They say first you cannot assault or insult. I said I can't insult people. I can't insult. They can't handle an insult? Insult is wild and it's a federal crime. It's a federal offense. You can insult a police officer. Yeah, I can't insult.

These people can't handle an insult? Yeah, these great value cops can't take an insult. You used to live in L.A. but you moved to Austin, Texas. I moved a couple years ago almost, yeah. Do you love it down there? I love it. We were talking about it off mic. Yeah, Austin's cool, man.

Like I said, it's a good food city, good music scene. The comedy scene's booming. The mothership's great. So how did you start performing at the mothership? Because obviously I know that's Joe Rogan's club, but I've never... Yeah, well, Joe fucks with me. So I was originally, my boys Derek and Hassan, they moved down there during the pandemic

because they didn't shut down so you could still do comedy. And I was just going out there to visit them. And then I just got a call from Joe out of nowhere. He was like, I got your number from Tom Segura. He says you're funny, come by the club. But this was before the Mothership. It was at the place called the Vulcan. And after he saw my set, he was like, oh, no, you got it.

I got you. Any way I can help you out, let me know. And then shortly after, it was like, I'm building this club. You should come down. And then every time I came back here, I felt poor. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's because, like, you know, the thing with L.A. is, like, it's like the city doesn't care about you.

You know? It's like there's a monster in the sewers, and we never talk about it, but every now and then someone disappears. We just go, I wonder what happened to them. We all know what happened. Don't you fucking say it. You know what I mean? But it's also dreams come true here. But it's also but a lot of dreams get shattered yeah i don't know i just didn't feel good here uh as much as i did when i visited down there you know because i've

always operated this way like i'm always like i fuck with the people that fuck with me i go where i feel the love at yeah you know what i mean absolutely so you don't have to network or or be fake or whatever it is. You go where you really love people or where you really feel loved at. Well, and you have the privilege of behaving that way by being very fucking good at comedy. Oh, right, right, right. This only works if you're talented. Right, right, yeah.

Yeah, you're afforded that privilege by being one of the best stand-ups working right now. Right, right. That's just the truth. But there is something I will say. I mean, yeah, a lot of the hatred towards la that people have is because they i've said this a million times they move to la and they project their entire life streams onto this physical site right and then when those dreams don't come true or don't come true to the extent that they hope then it's fuck this city even though this city has like an incredible food scene it has like

there's so many things that aren't the industry oh right right right so people get mad at it but i will say even beyond that i i'm not surprised that you love Austin because I feel the same way about Kansas City. They conflate Hollywood with Los Angeles. Exactly. Los Angeles is a great city. Yeah. Hollywood is... Is a tough town.

But it's not even the place. Like you said, it's just the business. Because you know what? I've always had this theory about that, right? What makes great art? Vulnerability. What makes great business? Ruthlessness.

Yeah. So then what happens? Hollywood is where those two things clash. Yeah. So when you come here as an artist all bright eyed and you run into that fucking business wall and you, because they, you can't make shit without them. Yeah. And so you, it's a lot of people's first time

where it's not only the art that matters, you know? Yeah. It's like, this gotta make business sense. We don't give a fuck how fly that shit is. Yeah, you're not doing an addict show in Chicago. Right, right. There's agents here. And so I think if you're not careful,

it can suck the love out of this shit for you. Yeah. But my goal was always to just not have a regular job. I knew that if I had to have a regular job these last 13, 14 years I've been doing comedy, I wouldn't think I would be here. No, no. What were your regular jobs before you were a full-time? Well, I was in the military, but then when I got out of the military, I worked at Intel, like the microchip maker.

I worked in one of their fabs or whatever. And then I worked at the Pentagon for a little bit as like electronic tech. You worked at the Pentagon? Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Because you were in the Marines. I was in the Marines.

You were in the Marines. Then you worked at the Intel chip place. Right. And then you have like a movie villain arc of careers here. Right. That you went to work in like big tech, and then you worked at the Pentagon? place. Right. And then you have like a movie villain arc of careers here. Right. That you went to work in like big tech and then you worked at the Pentagon? Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, I was a contractor.

Yeah. But, yeah. That's crazy. So you were living in D.C.? I was living in D.C. I'm from there. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, are you from D.C. or? PG County, Maryland. Got you, got you. Maryland, Maryland, Maryland. So I did. But the thing is, and they were all great jobs, but I was just miserable. Yeah. I fucked, yeah.

Because it was like it didn't matter to me. Because a lot of times they have a big long list of fucking requirements for a job, and then you start doing the job and you're like, I could teach a 10-year-old how to do this. Yeah, 100%. So it's like I'm replacing my job. All the times I was a bouncer or a door guy, I'd be sitting there thinking, they could replace me with a sign.

It's like I was just trying to tell this motherfucker to buy him a sign and he just won't do it. I'm like, you're paying me to stand here and point that way. Yeah. You know what I mean? And it just makes me feel so unfulfilled. It's like nothing I'm doing way. Yeah. You know what I mean? And it just makes me feel so unfulfilled. It's like nothing I'm doing matters. Yeah.

I can't decide if we need people who care more or less at the Pentagon. Like when you said you didn't care about the job, I'm like, I don't know if that's good or bad, but I think I'm glad you got out of there either way. No, because my whole job was, my whole job was just to wait until, like I was, let's just say,

I was monitoring all these rooms for like maintenance, if they needed some maintenance. And my job was like, if I got the maintenance thing, I would see where it was happening, and I would call down the maintenance and be like, there's some shit happening. You know what I mean? Something that a light could have done. Right. Or the temperature is higher than it should be. Yeah. But that's not something I got to do anything about.

I just got to inform the people that's going to do something about it. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, this is stuck forever. No, I can't do this forever. So what did you, so you hated, what you hated about those, like a regular job was like not feeling useful at it. The thing I hated about regular, like my like day jobs was the,

the showing up on time. Hated that. That's still a part of this, but it's a little different. Right. And then also just the feeling like I like watching my P's and Q's, like being around other grown ass adults and feeling like I can't say a curse word.

Right. At the job, like professionalism at the job place. I always like, this is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever, we were all grown adults and no one is saying the truth. Right. That drove me fucking crazy.

Yep. That's a big, huge part of it. And so I needed this. Like, I know that I needed to do something like this. Yeah. And you just did. You just put out a special that you filmed at the Mothership. Yeah.

It's Brian Simpson live at the Mothership on Netflix. Or is it live from the Mothership? It's one of those. Yeah. Well, it's at the Mothership on Netflix. Or is it live from the Mothership? It's one of those. Yeah, it's at the Mothership and it's live. That's what we know. And it's on Netflix right now. It was in the top ten for a little bit. I know.

I know it was. I saw. I said, Brian. I was like, get the fuck out of here. I was excited. My mom's so adorable. She was like, I had it playing on all the TVs. I was like, that's not how it works.

You know, and then I had to be like, okay, that's not how it works. You know, and then I had to be like, okay, do I want to explain what the IP address is to my mother or do I want to just let her have this one?

You know what I mean? And did you let her have it? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you're like, keep playing.

I'm like, I really appreciate it, man. You probably single-handedly. Yeah. You put us up there. How did you decide to do that special there?

Oh, it was easy because I was like, I want to be the first one to make one here and I asked Joe Oh, it was easy because I was like, I want to be the first one to make one here. And I asked Joe if I could shoot one, and he was like, fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and so it was a no-brainer for me because they didn't, you know, they didn't charge me for the room or nothing like that.

Oh, damn. Yeah, just like the seller doesn't charge people. Right, right. Mateo Lane was just saying that. It just made sense, man, to be the first one to do one. That's what I really wanted, you know. And you were. And I was, man. And thank God for Baron Vaugh sense, man, to be the first one to do one. That's what I really wanted. And you were. And I was, man.

And thank God for Baron Vaughn, man. He directed it. Oh, really? Yeah. I love Baron. He's a fucking genius, man. He has so many great ideas. Oh, he's so talented.

And by the way, I say I love Baron. We are not friends. I'm a fan of Baron Vaughn's. Yeah, me too, yeah. That's really cool. I actually think it was Baron. I think I messaged him once on Facebook when I was starting out in comedy. And I was like, hey, how do you have a career in entertainment? And I think he messaged me back and was like, you know, just work.

Get luck working. Get lucky. I don't know. That really is the answer. Yeah, the luck has to come. Yeah. That's so cool. People are saying I'm the gay Joe Rogan.

Really? People are saying I'm the homo Rogan. They're saying it. That's a pretty good title. Honestly, I'll take it. I'll start smoking cigars. Why not? I don't care. I'll smoke some cigars. You know a few scientists.

I got a couple ideas. I'll smoke some cigars. Yeah, you know a few scientists. Yeah. I got a couple ideas. Yeah. I got a couple big ideas. So you were in Maryland. How long were you doing the Pentagon job? I think I was there for a couple years. Yeah.

And then did you move out to L.A. after that? No. So then I got laid off from that job, and I went back to San Diego to help my homie grow weed. Hell yeah. You went from the Pentagon growing weed. But I was very bad at it. Okay. I was also going to school. Yeah.

And then while I was going to school, I just ended up walking into this comedy show and it was so bad. And my friend was like, yo, you're funny and my friend was like yo you funny and I was like you know what I'm gonna do that shit you know so that's when I decided I was gonna do it like I was gonna stop talking about it in San Diego was it at like an American comedy commercial where was the

no it was at this place called the comedy palace okay that is now it's now mic drop but back in the day had different owners and all that but they but I saw a bad show there and that's what made me make my mind up like, I'm going to actually try it. Yeah. And then shortly after, I walked into this bar, and it was like this nonprofit had just

ended this storytelling shit, and I ended up at the after party, and I was making everybody laugh just being me. And the dude was like, man, you know what? We want to dabble in the comedy. Our first show is going to be in like a couple months. You want to do it? I was like, yeah. Yeah.

So I was booked before I ever did comedy. Yeah. And then I was like, okay, well now I got to hit these motherfucking mics. So I just, you know, I was obsessing because I didn't want to embarrass myself. How did that show go? Do you remember? It went pretty good. Really?

I mean, I can't watch it now. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have the tape? I definitely have the tape Really? I mean, I can't watch it now. Yeah. Yeah. You have the tape? I definitely have the tape somewhere. Oh, damn. I say put it out. You ever find some old shit in front of you?

This is like torture. Yes. Oh, and how good I thought I was? Oh, I thought I was killing it. Oh, my God. Well, I actually was booked before I was a stand-up, too, because I was in Springfield, Missouri, where Chance and I went to college. And our friend, who ran a burlesque show downtown in Springfield, Missouri,

was like, hey, we need someone to open. I think you're funny. Will you come do? And I was doing some comedy like sketch and stuff, but I was not doing stand-up. And she was like, will you come do stand-up for like 10, 15 minutes to open the show? And we'll pay you $20.

And I was like, yeah, I need $20. And so I have. I recently, like maybe a year ago, I found one of the first videos of me doing stand-up there. Brian. I thought at the time, I literally was like, you are a god. Like you are, you've invented something new called stand-up. I literally thought no one has ever done it like this.

And I watched that tape and I was like, this is some of the worst shit I've ever seen. Right. In my whole life. It was just me. My thing at the time is I was so political. And I'm obviously still political. But at the time, I would just say a political opinion and think it was a joke oh i was just i was just like 20 and i just get up there and be like uh abortion should be legal you know you know no no and

then they wouldn't laugh and i'd be like okay republicans i truly and i was like i'm killing right they cheered i thought that was good i was like if they cheered or clapped I was like, I'm killing, dude. Right. If they cheered, I thought that was good. I was like, if they cheered or clapped, I was like, that's better than laughter. That means they agree with me. I mean, it was crazy how bad I was. Oh, yeah, yeah. So much I didn't know. So then you were in San Diego for a couple years.

Yeah, then I was in San Diego for a couple years. I was in San Diego for like five years, actually. Oh, wow. And then I moved up here. And I was living in a homeless shelter, but I simultaneously was a door guy at the comedy store. Yeah. So I was like, in that little struggle. Yeah.

The actual struggle was just getting the shelter to think my stand-up was legit enough where they counted it as a job. Yeah. So I didn't have to go get another job. Because you had to have a job to live there. Yeah. You have to be trying to get a job.

Yeah. So it took me a minute, but they fucking just let me slide. Did the people at the store know that you were living in a homeless shelter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were just like, that's Brian. Oh, yeah. Well, I got fired in like six months. At the store?

Yeah, yeah. What'd you do? I didn't make it Brian. Oh, yeah. Well, I got fired in like six months. At the store? Yeah, yeah. What'd you do? I didn't make it six months. I was just, you know, I was over it. Because I've been a door guy. That five years in San Diego, I have been a door guy already. And I was just like, I fucking hate this. And at the shelter, you have to do these group sessions or whatever.

You have to do so many. You have to get a signature because that's how they get paid. They say, we provide these services. So they get the grant when they prove that people was going to them. So you have to go to X amount of them every day. And there's none at night. So what I would do is I would stay up. I'll get off work and stay up and do the ones in the morning and go to sleep and wake up for work.

They switched my medication on some shit. stay up, like I'll get off work and stay up and do the ones in the morning and go to sleep and wake up for work. But you know, I was on, they switched my medication on some shit and I was just, and I was a straight fucking zombie bro and I slept through like two shifts. And one of them was, like remember when Rose Battle first got, like at its height when it was, got put up by Comedy Central? Yeah it was everything.

So I was there the first night that Comedy Central was going to film it at the store. It was like all hands on deck, and I just wasn't there. No. Yeah. And they were like, we got to let you go. They're like, we love you to death. And the thing is, if you get fired, you're banned for three months, and you can't get spots for six months.

What? Yeah. So for six months, you were just get spots for six months. What? Yeah. So for six months you were just not at the store? Yep. After doing a lot of work. Bro, that shit felt cold. I felt like I was out of the cold. Yeah.

Yeah. That's crazy. So I was just doing spots other places. But I didn't have to wait the whole six months though. Because the thing is they didn't want to fire me, but it was kind of like, yo, we can't. If we don't fire you, we can't fire nobody. Yeah. You actually gave them literally yeah right they're like brian like

come on man but it worked out because i ended up i got passed i think i got passed like nine months later or something like that oh wow so i started getting the paid spots and uh you know then i got on then i got on lights out with david sp Spade because Adam Egid was the executive producer. He was the talent coordinator at the store. And he fucked with me. He got me on David Spade. And that changed everything. Because they put it up on YouTube.

And it was like one of the best sets I ever had. And then the next day it was like management, agents, everything blowing up my email. All these meetings that nothing came from. Did you sign with agents and managers after that lights out set? No, no. So I had a manager before that. Oh, okay.

But, yeah, the story is kind of jumbled in my head. But, yeah, I had a manager right before that. And then I did, and I think I got an agent right after. Yeah. Yeah. So at what point in there, how long were you living at the shelter? and then I did, and I think I got an agent right after. Yeah. Yeah. Did, how, so at what point in there,

how long were you living at the shelter? Almost two years, like a, like what, like a year and like eight months, or something like that. Two years. A year and eight months,

two years, okay. And then, so how long after, were you living at the shelter when you got passed at the store? Yep. Damn dude, you were hustling,

that's fucking crazy. Actually, no, no, no, that's not true. It was right after I got out. Right after I got out of the shelter,

I got passed at the store. Damn. Even still, that's fucking crazy. Yeah, it was awesome, man. That's sick. You were talking a little bit off mic before the show about, like, you love Austin so much, but if everything had gone the way it's going for you now

in L.A., maybe you would have liked L.A. I think a lot about, do you think happiness is a choice? Do we choose to be happy? Do we choose to be happy? I don't think you can choose an emotion. You don't think so? I mean, you can choose how you react to how you feel, but you can't choose how you feel. Yeah.

Yeah, some people are just miserable cunts like it's in their genes. You know what I mean? Yeah. What do you have in your genes? Yeah. Some people, they come from a long line of miserable cunts. Yeah. They're seventh generation miserable cunts.

Yeah. Yeah. My family, I come from a very pragmatic family, just very exacting. Yeah. Not really. Maybe a bit of a revolutionary complex. I think I get that from my mama. Yeah.

When I feel like it's injustice and I just can't let it slide. Yeah. Yeah, you have to be in it. Right. And I got to overreact. Your mom's like that. I'm about to do too much. Yeah, yeah, to be in it. Right. And I got to like overreact. Your mom's like that. Was like, I'm about to do too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. You know, like you hear about those people that are like, they discovered that the 32 ounce cola cups at Wendy's only hold 28 ounces and they on a fucking rampage. Yeah. That's my mom. She wants justice. Right. She wants justice. Right. She wants justice bad.

She wants blood. If you start fucking with us because you think we can't do nothing about it. Like, I've lost so many jobs like that. Oh, you think I need this job?

I do. By the way, I do. Yeah, but I will fucking, I will stick your head in that oven. Yeah.

Sabotaging yourself for pride. Right, off the nose despite the face exactly throwing out the baby with the bath water that's my favorite one baby with the bath water is a great one yeah does your does your family do a lot of do you have like older relatives that use a lot of those oh yeah I've got devil in the details the proof's in the pudding it's gonna be some smoke in the city yeah yeah it's about to be some furniture moving lipstick on a pig yeah all that stuff all that bless her heart yeah don't don't don't piss on me and tell me it's raining you know you know an insult that my grandma used to say all the time that i haven't heard anyone say it in a long time heifer heifer oh my god heifer that's an old school insult yeah

because a heifer is just what is a cow that's only for milking. Yeah. Right? Or is it just a fat cow? I think so, right? I should know. I was on a cattle judging team once. But she would say.

Yeah. Yeah, she would say it with so much vitriol. You goddamn heifer. Hussy. Hussy. I don't hear heifer or Hussie anymore. We got to bring Heifer back. Yeah.

That's a really good one. That would be a name for an all-girl band. Heifer Hussie. Heifer Hussie would be, that would hit so fucking hard. Or maybe Hussie Heifer. Yeah. We'll think about it. Hussie Heifer, Heifer Hussie.

We'll do a focus group. Yeah. Well, you know, I think now what's probably taken in the current lexicon, what holds the place of Heifer is probably Big Back. Big Back? They call people Big Back. What does that mean? Like you Big Back bitch.

They'll say like fat. Like you're fat. See, I feel like that's too specific. Yeah, and it's also too on the nose. Heifer has a little bit of. Because also it's like calling you a Big Back bitch is only devastating if you're insecure about your big back. But me calling you a fat heifer, that's going to make you fill in the blank with what you're insecure about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You might be worthless as an animal. Right. When you look at it like a cow that hasn't yet given, so a useless cow. Yeah. You're Googling. You're Googling and being like, fuck, I'm useless? And I'm fat? Fuck, someone kill me. I'm useless and i'm fat fuck someone kill me i'm useless and

i'm fat someone please kill me oh i didn't know big back okay i haven't heard back is don't you think i mean big back is yeah long back yeah girl with no ass long back that's old that's old school too i feel like my favorite insult is like when the ends with like built ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? You mucinex monster built ass motherfucker. Yeah. My students, when I worked in Chicago, I worked with kids. And those kids, they were middle schoolers. It was always ass.

It always ended in ass. It was always fucking Michelin man looking ass. Looking ass will always hurt.elin man looking ass looking ass looking ass will always hurt yeah looking ass is gonna that's gonna get looking ass will kind of hurt my feelings every time especially when it's accurate yeah and it's a it's a smart mean little kid and and other children agree i think i think i think little kids don't know how much adults like i don't want i don't need them to like they don't need to think i'm cool but them thinking i'm lame, it hurts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can be neutral about me. Right, right. But you can't actively think I'm lame. Yeah, because wait a minute. Don't you see at least the residual, like, I know cool is cultural. Yeah. But don't you at least see the residual cool?

Like, when I look back at the 70s, I still know who's cool in the movie. I know who's the cool person. You don't even see notes of cool in me. Right, exactly. You don't see a hint of cool. It's not a... There's not a... It's not a...

You actively think I'm... You think I have no cool. I'm lame as fuck to you. Right, right. Okay, wow. You think I've never wowed a crowd? You think nobody ever wanted to be like me? You think I've never...

Come on, now. So what? You think I've never... Come on now. So what? You think I've never lit up a room in a beautiful way? Right. That's what you think I am? Right. Just a regular degular loser ass guy? You think I've never arrived?

You think I'd just be getting there? Sometimes I don't arrive. No, it hurts, especially when a cool especially when a cool kid because there are kids who like working with kids you find out like all kids are kind of dumb but some of them they've figured out their thing a little early and they know who they're going to be in the world like they've got like a real affinity for music or they've got a real they're real good at drawing or something they've got something figured out in a way that i did not as a kid i never knew what i was going to be until i was like 20 and but when a kid has that figured out and they clock you,

it's like, oh God, I can't be Michelin Man looking ass to this guy. Right. Even if he's right, it's like he's so good at Yu-Gi-Oh. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah. It's like you need to learn how to fight, kid,

because you'll be talking too much. Yeah. It's really, and they'll just gather you and sometimes they don't even try. Yeah. And then the thing is too is you have to fight the urge, because I deal with this the thing is too is you have to fight the urge

because I deal with this in online gaming because I have to fight the urge to go back and forth with the kids because you don't know who you're getting matched up with.

You're playing Overwatch it's a random match but sometimes you get a little kid and they be running their motherfucking mouth and it's like but it's like

you got little razor blades kid and they sting but all I got is a bazooka. You know what I'm saying? So I'm trying my best not to say nothing, because if I say something, it's going to crush you. Yeah.

And I'm going to be honest. I've crushed a few children. What are you saying to them? You know, like, it gets real real. I'm like, yo, why? Like, how long has your dad been gone? You're saying this to kids on video games? Yeah, like, he didn't even explain why he left, did he?

Yeah, Brian. Yeah, I've done it. Listen, you got to give me credit. Listen, we're talking about tens of thousands of online matches of video games, and I've slipped up once or twice or thrice. Yeah, four times maybe. Yeah, maybe. Maybe.

Yeah, but I felt bad every time, too. But it's like sometimes I just get the best of you because you hear them equally as everyone else. Yeah. Sometimes they just get at you. They say something that strikes a nerve and you're like, you're going to feel this. You need it. You need it. I'm doing a service for the community.

What's the most you – either online gaming or the internet in general? You're a comic. I know you've seen the shit. What's the most you, either online gaming or the internet in general, you're a comic, I know you've seen the shit. What's the most you feel like you've been gathered on the internet? Oh, man. Hundreds. Hundreds of times. Yeah.

I've got my feelings hurt. Because like I said, you're talking to, you know, you play some games, you're talking to nine people at the same time. Yeah. And it's like, some people just get at you. Yeah. Yeah. Especially when they,

when they, like, I remember I jumped on one time and this kid said, That's the one, yeah. This kid said, damn,

you sound like you've been smoking for 40 years. I was like, no. That's hurtful. Did you give him back? I know, because it was,

I couldn't say no, he was right. That was it. And I'm very insecure. I wish I didn't smoke. It's my biggest weakness. You smoke cigarettes? I do, yeah.

A lot? Not a lot, but. How many cigarettes did you smoke in a day? Oh, man. I don't know, 10. 10? Okay.

That's interesting. We did, Mateo Lane did an episode this morning and he said that he smokes like six a day when he's in Europe. Only in Europe?

That's, but, Brian, he's in Europe like every week. This guy doesn't sleep. Why? Well, he's just, you know how gay people are. Oh, right. Just off to Europe sometimes? Yeah, can't stay put. Flighty. Not tethered to reality.

Gay people will just go to Europe sometimes. Yeah, but off to Europe, that's a different level of gay. That's like you have standing in the gay community. Yeah, you better believe it. Yeah, if you're off to Europe regularly.'s a different level of gay. That's like you have standing in the gay community. Yeah, you better believe it. Yeah, if you're off to Europe. You're head homo, yes. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, if you're off to Europe. And you're not even buying the flights. You're just off points. People are cooking you up left and right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's an underground gay network, like an underground gay railroad. You think there's an underground gay railroad?

Of like deals and discounts and... No? I would love to be a part of it. If so, y'all give me a call. Because I thought that's what... I thought... So y'all don't like... Like if you work at my counter and you hear a gay voice, you don't go, I got you.

So what you're asking me, and don't y'all dare come for Brian. He's a friend of the community. He's an ally. You're asking me if I work behind the counter somewhere and I hear someone with a gay voice walk in and go, I'll have a sandwich. You're asking me do I give them friends and family discount? Or just something. Just a little. We're going to throw another cookie in your bag. Because it's almost like this is the help with the struggle.

This is a little extra for how they're going to short you somewhere else. And you think, and you're under the impression that this is a global network of gay handouts? Well, since you put it like that, it sounds ridiculous. I'm not saying it's like a gay cabal. I'm not saying y'all have an app where it's like you can see where the gays are. Well. Well. Well.

Well, hold on. Actually, oh, my God. Shit. But that's not for discounts. That's actually for upcharge. That's usually upcharge. Right. The pricing on there is, God, that's so funny. No, I would love – I hope –

Mateo, if Mateo is involved in something like that, Mateo, I hope you'll let me know. I actually will say, to your defense, Mateo did say, if you go to Italy, I'll connect you with all the good restaurants. He said, I'll get you a reservation at all the good spots. Right, right. And that is, I think, that's a gay privilege.

It is, yeah. Gay people, yeah, we've come too far. To know all the spots. Yeah, to know all the spots, that is a gay privilege to go to europe i guess yeah are you are you a traveler do you like to travel no you travel for you you tour for work obviously right right and i and i don't i rarely go somewhere just for me yeah so yes i you know when i say i like to travel what i mean is i like to be in other places i haven't been. But I don't like the actual travel. I don't like to fly, train, drive.

It's the worst part of every trip to me. Yeah, if I could snap my fingers and have a superpower, it would be teleportation. Yeah, because that's my thing. My so true thing is that we have to, as a culture, come together and decide what the fucking rules are at the airport. Like, seriously, because I can't tell you how many times I've been this close to being like, I'm going to go to jail today. Yeah, oh yeah.

And not from, just from me being irritated. Like, my level of irritation just hits a peak maximum. Yeah. Where I'm like, I'm about to lose my mind. peak maximum yeah where i'm like i'm i'm i'm about to lose my mind so one of the things one of my biggest ones is that is like can we just can we agree that you do you do not need any scents applied to your body when you're traveling niggas is trapped in a sealed tube with you it would recycle air in the sky it's suffocating yeah it's suffocating you you smell the people that put on the cologne and the body spray was you're worse than the people that just smell like ass.

No, worse than ass? Because it's more powerful because it's meant to project. At least the person that smells like shit is trying to hide it. You project and you have on nightclub levels of cologne right next to me. To me, it's always an old woman. you have on nightclub levels of cologne right next to me. To me, it's always an old woman. An old woman in that perfume,

put the fucking, put it down. It's horrible. Number two, keep your motherfucking feet on the motherfucking floor. In your shoes. Keep your feet on the floor

in your shoes, please. Please do that. And number three, and this happens twice when you're entering security and when you're waiting for your bag. It's like, you don't gotta stand up on the motherfucker

wait stand back till you see your shit you're just you're in the way so I can't see my shit yeah it's not your turn

yeah you just stand in there you know the people like this is the baggage carousel they right here with it you know what I mean yeah like you just got off the plane

you're not first class so you know your shit ain't coming off first don't get a grip first of all yeah first of all yeah yeah know your place no no but but they but it's like you they live it's like some people get the airport and they literally don't they they they don't even think about anyone else ever no they're completely locked into their favorite little thing that they want yeah people do the same thing going through security they get they get through the detector, and they just stand there. Bitch, your bag is not next. Now I'm right behind you,

and you're in the fucking way. Go to the end until you see your shit. Are you pre-check? Yeah, I'm pre-check. Thank God. I'm pre-check, and I was clear, but they can kiss my ass now. For whatever reason, this year,

the clear line is slower than the regular line. Yeah. Yeah, you niggas, I'm not re-upping clear. Clear. Y'all need to get it to fucking go. Brian Simpson's out on clear. Yeah, I'm pre-checked and I'm clear. You would think that it would...

I will say I've got travel down to a science, and I'm sure you do too. I know what kind of shoes I wear. I know what time I show up to. Based on what size of city I'm in, I know what time I'm leaving for the airport. I know everything about the way I'm going to travel. And I know that's a privilege and a process that comes from doing it a lot. But some of these fucking people go in there

like they didn't think a single thing through. Right. They're flailing about. They've got shit falling out of their bag. They're in pajamas. They're being rude. They're taking too much time everywhere. They're stopping for a coffee and taking...

They're asking questions to the barista. Right. You're asking questions. I'm going to throw up. they're asking questions to the barista. You're asking questions. I'm going to throw up. You're asking questions to the barista? Know your fucking coffee order when you get up. People are getting on planes. And they're letting anyone into the lounge now. Anyone.

They're letting any old person into the lounge. These people get in there and act like sissies. And I don't think you can even say that, actually. Bleep me saying that. They're acting goofy. No, yeah, I'll say it. I'll say it. Goofy's a good word.

They're acting like silly geese in there. And please, and you can't now, so many people in the lounge, you can't even touch the lounge food if you weren't there when they put it out. No. I mean, they just let anybody rifle through it. Rifle. They're rifling through the cold cuts. Right.

They're just- Shuffling it like a deck of cards. Right. It's like, yeah, it's a lot going on with the lounge. The slammies are touched. And you know the worst kind of person at the airport? The person that breaks the hierarchy and then acts like they didn't know. Excuse me, bitch, I pay extra money so I get in this line right here.

You knew goddamn well that you weren't priority or whatever the high ranking thing is for your airport. You know, you know, you've got diamond medallion. You know what I'm saying? You win. You win the diamond medallion line so you can get to the front and go, oh, I didn't even know. Can you still help me anyway? No, bitch. She can help you after she helps me.

You understand what I'm saying? Absolutely. Brian, I literally had a bad moment recently. I was flying. It was like 5 in the morning. I was super tired. I had done a show the night before. I was going to a city to do another show, and a woman did this.

And they like to do this one too. They like to go. And in all that confusion, somehow they always end up in the expedited line they never confusedly end up in the big line right right so she brings her confused ass over there and ends up in my line in the pre-check line and i knew and i knew the way she the way her eyes were affixed to the rafters i said this is not a tsa pre-check i have seen a tsa pre-check bitch i've been a tsa pre-check right my whole life. They walk with purpose in their eyes. TSA pre-check is military.

We are going... She confusedly walks in a TSA pre-check right in front of me and then we get up to the front and they go, ma'am, you're not TSA pre-check. I'm sorry. She goes, oh, can you just help me anyway? I'm excited because I'm thinking they're about to go, no bitch, go to regular. That's that long line.

I'm hoping she'll miss her flight or something. And because I'd like her to learn from it. Yeah, there needs to be consequences. There needs to be consequences for actions. And they go, yeah, come on through. And I out loud. Bah! Brian, completely silent.

They go, yeah, come on through. Out loud, I went, really? Unbelievable. I was pissed. And the TSA person goes, right. Like, they were pissed at me. And you do it. You're standing right next to that sign.

It's like, do not disrespect. Talk back or anything. Like, you say anything to them, they feel disrespected. That sign really does say, they say, first, you cannot assault or insult. I said, I can't insult people. I can't insult. They can't handle an insult? Insult is wild.

And it's a federal crime. It's a federal offense. You can insult a police officer. Yeah, I can't insult. These people can't handle an insult? Yeah, these great value cops can't take an insult. No, they're supposed to be protecting us from terrorists and they can't handle, if they get on my nerves, I'm not allowed to say, you ugly bitch.

You know the other person I hate? The new motherfucker on the machine. Because, you know, you go to your airport, you leave through all the time, right? And you get through all the time and it's fast and every now and then you see two people at the chair. You're like, okay, this nigga's in training and he gotta take ten minutes on every bag.

Hey, can we train this nigga on a simulator and have people that know what the fuck they doing at 6 a.m. at the airport? This is when all the business people are leaving. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you know the most harrowing thing you can ever see at an airport to me? What? Picture this. You're standing on the other side of security, right? You're waiting for your bag to come through the x-ray machine.

Okay, yeah. Your bag goes right there, and then there's that fork where it can either come to you the way it's supposed to right or it can get plopped off to the side for an agent to rifle through it right when you see that bag shift into the agent line instead of the coming to you line right and then you see one of those gloved motherfuckers walk over there and grab your shit that to me is like i every single time i feel like i'm like this is what it felt like when Pearl Harbor happened. This is what people when they looked up and they were like we're in Pearl Harbor.

Right. I'm like this is all the things. This is anti-Semitic. This is fucking racist. This is homophobic. It's horrible. Yeah. And there's no gay network helping me there. I might get an extra cookie at the sandwich shop. I had the same reaction you had. Wait a minute. So wait a minute. Even if it was a gay person back there you don't think they would hook you up? A gay person at TSA? Like if

the glove guy walked over. I don't think they should let gay people be TSA. What gay people will do with a little bit of power. If there is anybody gay working at TSA, I say we get them out now. Follow them home. See what the drapes look like. And if they've got another gender of person

of the same gender in that house, get them out of the job. I will say when it's – because there's a certain kind of person that loves to deliver bad news. Yes. And when that person does it with a gay voice, it feels worse. You know what I'm talking about? Like when the person's like, sorry. So sorry, boo-boo.

Like they're talking like they're sorry, but what they're telling you is, I'm enjoying, they're shouting for it on your face. They're delighting in your downfall. Yeah, they're like, oh, I'm so sorry, boo-boo, the system won't, oh. It just feels worse, I don't know why. And you think it's worse with gay boys?

Oh, definitely. Do you think, what do you think that, why do you think it feels worse to you? I think it feels more dramatic, I don't know. It feels more biting somehow. Yeah. I think hearing anything from a gay person has higher stakes.

Oh. Gay people have an inherent dramatis. Specifically gay men. Great. Gay men would go over the top, yes. Yeah. I'm always delighted to see a lesbian. Really?

Behind the counter, yeah. You like to see a lesbian? Lesbians don't go on power trips, except in their relationships. Yeah. But when they at work, they fucking locked in. What? Like, look, every lesbian couple you know don't have issues. I'm saying this because I know these people.

Yeah. Brian, I know. I'm like, yeah, you, well, yeah, she did. She punched the last one, too. She did. You know? So you're pro-lesbians in the workplace. You're anti-gay men.

Just so I can catch up on your gay beliefs on the episode, you think we have an underground network of discount codes. You think lesbians are domestic abusers and you think gay men shouldn't get to work in customer service um well i think you said a couple of those yeah i'm trying to beat you for sure i'd like to get you canceled on this episode if i could no people love me people do love you do you do you fear cancellation is it something you think about no i don't fear it because you know you know why it's because i think even if you have some kind of controversial opinion,

I think what people really want is thoughtfulness. Yeah. If you say some ignorant shit and you're not trying to learn or it didn't come from a place of deep thought. I mean, that's how I talk about some heavy stuff in my comedy sometimes, but it's like if I'm talking about the shit I'm I'm not talking I've thought about it for hundreds and hundreds of hours and learned more and more shit than I could about it so it's like I think when people see that you that your opinion is coming from a genuine exploration of the idea or the topic I

think people you know you get more grace you can also tell 100 who has like even when you say stuff about gay people i'm like you can tell when someone has gay friends like i can just tell that it comes from oh yeah knowing gay people you know what i mean or like what i think yeah i think the thing that people get so scared and bent out of shape about cancellation about is two prong it's like first of all there is this really small but loud percentage of people on the internet that are upset about absolutely fucking everything. They do make life miserable for all of us. And the second part is it comes from a genuine fear that you actually don't have a good track record on the things you're talking about.

Right. You don't know the people you're talking about. And also, also, outside of sexual stuff, I don't think real ones get canceled. I live by this. I think that, you know, it's two parts. One is like everything you have to be fake to get, you

gotta stay fake to keep, right? It's exhausting and but everything you get from just being yourself, you get to keep forever and it's the same with your fans. It's like the only people that have gotten canceled for real are people that were representing themselves as one thing. And then whatever came out made them look a whole different way. Right. You know, everybody that's been being, you know, everyone that's been being a piece of shit the whole time.

And then some piece of shit thing come out about them. They don't lose fans because those fans already knew you were a piece of shit. Yeah, they get to stay. Right. come outs about them, they don't lose fans because those fans already knew you were a piece of shit. Yeah, they get to stay. My point is just, whatever you're really about, if you're just that, then what you've accumulated will always be yours. You can't really be canceled. Unless you're short of committing

an actual heinous crime. Yeah, and even then, sometimes. It depends on who you did it to. Yeah. I like what you said about if you get ahead by being fake, you have to stay fake. Yeah. That's really, yeah, that really resonates. I think that's the truth.

It's that you can only be fake for so long. That's why every cannibal motherfucker you see make it, they slowly lose their fucking mind. Yeah. Yeah. Because they have to stay fake. They just forget who they are. They're like, they done worn so many masks, you know, like those fucking assassins from Game of Thrones. It's like they get to the point where they're like, oh, I forgot which face was my real face.

It's up there somewhere. Yeah, it's somewhere in the ether. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, I love that. What? Oh, I have a segment for you. Okay, let's get it.

I got something for you. This is a true-false game, okay? We got 15 statements for you. You're going to tell me as quick as you can if you think they're true or false. Okay. Okay, if you get 10 or more correct, we as quick as you can if you think they're true or false. Okay. Okay? If you get 10 or more correct, we'll give you 50 US dollars. Okay.

I'm a beast. Yeah. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Okay. AirPods only work with Apple devices. True.

False. Arachnophobia is the fear of bathing. False. False. Spiders. Spiders. Whole Foods originated in Austin, Texas. True.

True. The first photograph was taken in 1826. False. True. David Gilmour is Pink Floyd's original front man. False. False. False. It was Sid Barrett. True.

True. False. False. Three hearts. True. True. True. Texas is larger than Greenland. True. False.

The heart is the second heaviest organ in the human body. False. False. It's the liver. Charles Barkley owns a library in Arkansas. False. False. I wish.

We need to talk about Charles Barkley. Dr. Pepper is older than Coca-Cola. True. True. There are three bones in a human ear. True. True. Sonic the Hedgehog is a Lutheran.

False. False. How many did you a human ear. True. True. Sonic the Hedgehog is a Lutheran. False. How many did you get? Twelve. Twelve. That was a really good one. Hell yeah. Brian killed that. I love Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neal.

Those two, have you watched them recently? Yeah, together they're incredible. Have you seen the Galveston thing that they did recently? No. Charles Barkley is one of the funniest fucking people to ever live to me. I wish he would do comedy. He went on a rant about how shitty Galveston, Texas is. Okay?

And that was one thing. And the whole time, Shaq will always just goad him on. Charles will be saying something that he knows he shouldn't say. And Shaq will be like, what else? What else? Keep going, Charles. Keep going, Charles. And they will get into so he does this whole thing

then there's backlash and I think maybe was it Tina Knowles was it Beyonce's Beyonce's mom was like hey not too much on Galveston and then he does

another like an apology segment and he goes I'm so sorry to the people of Galveston like I shouldn't have shit on Galveston so hard and then someone goes well Charles

to make up for it or something why don't you go down to Galveston and he goes I'm not shit on Galveston so hard. And then someone goes, why don't you go down to Galveston? He goes, I'm not going to Galveston. And he goes, I'm not going to that dirty ass water

they call a beach. And he goes in again. He goes in again on Galveston. He can't fucking help himself. I would do anything. I would do anything to be friends with those two. Oh, man.

Yeah, and when they get in an argument with each other, it's hilarious. They are so fucking funny together. I literally, I want both of them, I want them to have a comedy, a touring comedy show together. I want the two of them to get on stage, and they don't need to do stand-up. I just want the audience to give them prompts and have them talk about it. Yeah, they're funny people. I think I would rather hang out with Shaq than Charles Barkley.

Why? I don't know because I feel like Charles is a curmudgeon. You don't like curmudgeons? I mean, they have their place. Yeah. But they're never fun.

I don't know. Sometimes you want that person around. They fun in a roast or they fun when shit needs to come out. Yeah. Right?

They fun in an intervention. Yeah. Or like day three of a group trip when some stuff needs to be said. Right. Group vacation when nobody's saying what needs to be said. Hey, listen. That last one was my last one. You hear me?

It's a wrap on group vacations. I don't even like to go out with big groups. I feel like more than four people, four people is enough. Do you know Sydney Washington? Yeah. Very funny comic. She and I were just talking about this the other day. When you have a three or four person lunch set up and someone tries to add a fifth, I'm canceling.

Right. I'm not going to be out with that many people. Listen, listen. I don't want you to feel like you can't invite people. I do i also don't want you to invite i absolutely i just want you to know that that's bad manners it's bad manners and also i'm canceling i tell people now i i want you to know definitely feel like you can't invite people i want you to definitely feel like i should i i text i texted my friends the other day we were playing group punch and it was there were three of us already and my friend said you care if so and so comes it was another comic that i like and i said yes and if y'all add another person i'm canceling

i can't i'm not doing a five or six person dinner anymore right because now we now we now we waiting on too many people we're waiting on too many people they won't seat the full table because someone couldn't find parking because they didn't care to come early enough to do so now we're at the table i can't hear the person at the end because it's gotten too big one person doesn't eat meat so we can't split that appetizer. I'm not having it. I'm not having it. I can't do it anymore. It's a lot going on. I loved being 22, but I no longer

am. One person got crazy questions. Excuse me. Excuse me. Where's this source? Bitch, this is where we're eating at. That's a crazy question. Yeah. Where's the source? It's not sourced.

Is that going to change your mind? Are you going to not order it if it was sourced from somewhere you don't like? Ooh, from Canada? Check it out. Oh, Brian, we have voicemails if you want to... Fuck yeah, this is my favorite thing. My hair's all fucked up. I'm sweating now. I've moved around too much. We have a voicemail from a listener, something they want to know the truth about. Yeah, this is my favorite thing. My hair's all fucked up. I'm sweating now. I've moved around too much. We have a voicemail.

We have a voicemail from a listener. Something they want to know the truth about. Hey, is recycling a scam? Hold on. She said what? She was recycling a scam? Is that the end of it? Oh, my God. That's so funny.

I can't believe we went through the headphone drama for this, which we'll probably cut. Oh, my God. What did it say? She said, hey, is recycling a scam? Oh, is recycling a scam? Yeah, what do you think? Well, of course it is.

Is it? Well, I think it depends on where you live. In Texas, I'm positive that they don't take it. They take it the same place

they take the trash. You think? Yeah. Why am I bagging it then? I think they put it on a, they used to put it on a barge and send it to China. Yeah. And then China stopped taking it. China said no more?

Yeah. So now they just dump it all in the same place. And then they got the nerves to be like, well, we only pick up recycling every other week. I'm like, bitch, you pick. Just pick all of it. Just take it. Put it in the place. Take it to the same place.

Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know. I mean, is it a scam? I don't know. Well, you're it a scam? I don't know. Well, you're saying you've got a pretty definitive yes. And what I think the idea of recycling is nefarious because it puts the onus on the individual when most of the overwhelming majority of the problem is with corporate waste, right? Yeah.

The overwhelming majority of the problem is with corporate waste, right? Yeah. And so they flipped it on you so you feel guilty about your teeny tiny shit. I don't think what you're doing in your house is significant, you know? Yeah. So I think that that's the scam. It's the lie that the individual has the power to change. It's like, no, you need the fucking company to stop dumping. You need like Samsung and Whole Foods and whatever other companies are just.

You need them to not be making oil pipelines anymore. Yeah, they're dumping plastic in the river. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever they're responsible for, all the fossil fuels they burn, it's like what you're doing means nothing. Even if every single American at home perfectly recycled, it wouldn't make a fucking bit of difference.

It's a 100% correct and profound take, and watching you make it with those headphones like that on your head has been so, like, you look like a video game character. Yeah, I'm so used to having them. They were sitting like a headband. No, you're 100% correct. I think, yeah, the idea that we are going to fix this as if it's not just literally up to the corporations to fucking,

I mean, we need to kill some billionaires pretty soon, but I think it would be good. And I bet we'll have to bleep that. But, you know, I think what would be good for the world is if once a month we picked one billionaire and said, just at random and said, we're going to kill you. Or like you don't get to stay a bit. Like we get to at least just watch you suffer. Yeah. Like that's your penance for staying a billionaire.

Yeah. For once a month, everyone has to visibly watch you suffer for a couple hours. Yeah, in a humiliating kind of way. Right. Yeah, tartan feathered I think would be a nice thing to bring back. Wow. That couldn't hurt. Well, that's a lot going on.

We could bring back the boats. What's the boats? It's like this ancient torture technique where they would force feed you milk and honey, and then they would put you in a boat full of milk and honey, and they would put another boat on top of you like a canoe, and cut out holes for your legs and your arms would stick out, and they would push you out onto a lake and just leave you there. And then eventually all the bugs would slowly start just eating you

little bit by bit by bit. And, yeah. And since you were force fed the milk and the honey, even by the time you start shitting your pants, it's all going to come out sweet and sweet smelling and shit smelling, which is going to attract every kind of bug. And eventually you're going to get eaten alive. That is fucking insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've never heard of that in my life. Yeah, I think that's the worst way to die. But the boats. The boats. I've heard of that horrible thing where they put a cage of rats on you, and then they drip hot wax, so the only way the rats have to get out is to chew through you. That's a thing.

Yeah, but that's too fast. Oh, you think the bugs yeah i think i think the boats i think they said it's rumored it lasted for like 13 days they made a they made a river of milk and honey to do this no no no no no it's in the boat so they smother you and milk and honey and then they they force feed it down your throat yeah and then and and then when you eventually the milk is going to make you shit your pants. Yeah. And the honey is going to smell sweet. And so it's going to attract every kind of bug.

Yeah. The bugs that want the shit are coming. The bugs that want the sour milk are coming. The bugs that want the sweet honey are coming. Yeah. And they're going to keep on nibbling at you. The bugs are all linking up. Yeah.

And then they're going to be all up in your ears. Oh. So your hands are tied. Yeah. All your holes. Bugs are. Yeah are tied. Yeah, all your holes bugged out. Jesus. Where'd you learn about this? You know, you act like you didn't grow up on the internet.

We were on maybe the different kinds of internet. Remember Faces of Death? No. What? We might, I don't know. I've seen people be beheaded online for sure i've never got that stuff no the wildest thing i was i know what you're talking i've definitely had friends that were like oh watch this video this guy pulling his brains out but i literally am scared to watch

i've never watched something like that because i can't i'm afraid i'll never come back i'm afraid it'll i'm i'm i'm i think i live i think i live on the edge of mentally well and I think any one thing could push me in the wrong direction for the longest time I was obsessed with revenge you know the concept of revenge yeah

like who deserves it what's the best way to go about it? What would I do if there was no concept? Like, you know, who would deserve what level of revenge? You know, is it best to do it cleverly, like the Count of Monte Cristo, or is it better to do it just, you know, straight up like a fucking suicide bomber? Yeah, and what did you land on?

Oh, it's much better. The perfect revenge is revenge that you get away with. You have to get away with it scot-free. You have to get away with it scot-free, and the person that it happens to, the cherry on top, is that they know it's you, and they can't do nothing about it. I have to agree. You really did come to a...

The axiom the axiom revenge is a dish best served cold does that resonate to you and what does that mean because i never really knew i i think it just means when you don't pull no punches when it's like you're just completely cold to that person you treat you you do what's necessary to get the job done. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, yeah. And sometimes it can also be just in some back and forth trash talking. You just say the coldest shit. Like, this is how I imagine what would happen. Somebody, I ain't going to say who, but somebody in my life that used to be in my life said to me,

this is the coldest shit I ever said to nobody. They said, I hope you die. And I said, without hesitation, I said, I hope you live forever, bitch. That's fucked up. That is a vengeful mind that you have. Do you find yourself to be still a vengeful person? Well, no.

I mean, not. Because like I said, I'm not going to get revenge in any way that's going to cost me something. But if the opportunity ever came up it's a couple people that deserve it but I don't be sitting around dedicating my life to it I don't have yarn between tacks on a board

or nothing like that but they deserve it and if there was any way I could get away with it it would have happened already but I'm definitely not I'm not gonna go to prison because you a piece of shit. Yeah. No.

I'm just going to keep shining on your ass. Yeah. Yeah. That's enough. That's a revenge on me. But I support, listen, revenge is a poor man's justice. Yeah. So sometimes, I'm not saying it's the best way to go about things, but you don't got

to forgive every motherfucking body. No. I don't think so. Nope. Some people deserve your hatred. Yeah. And they deserve it forever. And I don't give a forgive every motherfucking body? No, I don't think so. Nope. Some people deserve your hatred. Yeah. And they deserve it forever. And I don't give a fuck if they sorry now.

Well, some people campaign for your disdain. Some people really beg for you to not like them and then act surprised when you don't like them. Yeah. I'm like, you begged. Yeah, you did. You wanted it. You were so shitty for so long and now I hate you and you're like, me?

I'm like, yeah. Yeah, exactly. I don't think I'm a vengeful person, but think I support revenge in some ways it's hard I have a really there's you know I'm a very leftist person and I think I struggle with the idea of punishment because there are very I think human parts of me that want people to be punished when they do bad when they do horrible things but then I'm also like punishment is not a very progressive value so finding the balance between like my human desire to see bad people punished

and my kind of like liberal leftist idea that punishment is actually not productive a lot of the time I don't know I struggle with that balance I'm a lefty in terms of the government i don't

think that i don't i don't think the government should be vengeful yeah but on a personal level sometimes that's the only thing that's gonna heal you yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like your screams on my penicillin motherfucker no the screams you're like the the evil mayor from monsters inc like run those screen bottles up no no i'm only for good only for good no i actually i'm i'm if there's anyone i'm cool being vengeful it's you i think you have a very firm grasp on reality and justice yeah yeah i trust your instincts and i do it with my all might voice you know you're what my like superhero fucking, I have arrived to serve justice. Yeah.

What, okay. What do you, Brian, I ask people a lot on this podcast. Well, I'm trying to think. There's two questions I ask people on this podcast. I'll ask you both. You answer whichever one you want to. Okay. We're about an hour right now, so we'll get you out of here soon.

But the two questions I ask people a lot on this podcast are God, the afterlife, all that stuff. Where are you at with it? And then the other one is what do you want? What do you, you know, what is Brian's dream? Well, I'm an atheist. But I don't like to say that because it turns into a whole thing. No one does anymore. But, yeah, because there's so much stuff around it.

Yeah. But I don't believe in the afterlife, at least not yet. Do you think it'll come? Do you imagine there's a time in the future when you will believe in the afterlife? I don't think so. No. I mean, maybe at the finish line. Yeah.

If I see some, I don't know. But I just, you know, I think that you can get just as much out of life if you because one thing that like religious folks have to admit is that to some degree your belief that paradise is next to some degree makes you treat this life like it doesn't matter as much yeah so it's like if you the advantage of not believing in afterlife is that i i'm focused on this one yeah you know as though it matters do you know who else what other guests on this podcast said almost the identical thing that you just said trixie mattel the drag queen oh wow identically identically said the exact same thing that that she said that she thinks it's it's yeah she thinks

it's disrespectful to this life to this idea that there's some other great thing waiting for us that we should be hoping for. I agree. I think that is a problem. What was the other one? Well, what do you want? I mean, here you are. You're a very successful comedian. You live in Austin, Texas.

Joe Rogan's obsessed with you. You just put on an hour. It's on Netflix. It's on Netflix, right? Yeah. I didn't get that wrong. You just put on an hour on Netflix. It's very good.

You're one of my favorite comedians working right now. You're so successful, but what do you want? What's the dream? Revenge. Yeah. No, no. I don't know, man. I just want to be able to keep making dope shit,

and keep making doper and doper shit until people think I'm lame. Yeah. Until teenagers think it's corny. Do you envision a future where teenagers think you're corny? No. No, that's not going to happen to you? No, Uncle Brian. As long as I don't have kids, I don't have to.

You don't ever have to get corny if you don't have kids. That's true. You can avoid it. Yeah. I love it. Brian, tell people where they can find you. I'm BS Comedian on all those social medias, bryantsmcconnery.com.

On my tour dates, I will be in, the next date is going to be in the Desert Ridge Improv in Phoenix. And I'm coming to Philly, and I'm coming to Denver and some more places. Yeah, go check out Brian's website, follow him online, see him somewhere. Oh, and my podcast is BS with Brian Simpson,

available on all platforms. BS with Brian Simpson. You haven't asked me to be a guest. I don't have guests. Maybe I'm an exception. Thank you so much. We love you, Bryan. Thank you for being on. Thank you. Bye. We did it.