So True with Caleb Hearon - Brittany Broski & Drew Afualo Are Minions

Episode Date: October 31, 2024

Howdy! It’s an extra special Halloween episode this week with horrifying guests Brittany Broski and Drew Afualo! Brittany, Drew, and Caleb talk childhood Halloween memories, ghost hunters, haunted houses, complicated relationship dynamics, who would survive in a horror movie, and so much more! Get tickets to see Caleb, Waxahatchee, and more at YeeHaw: A Benefit Show for Kansas City Presented by KC Tenants on November 23rd at The Midland in Kansas City, Missouri: https://www.midlandkc.com/events/detail/670783 Subscribe to our YouTube channel for full video episodes!Join our Patreon for an exclusive extended interview with Brittany and Drew and other bonus content!Follow Brittany! @brittanybroskiFollow Drew! @drewafualoFollow the show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud About Headgum: Headgum is an LA & NY-based podcast network creating premium podcasts with the funniest, most engaging voices in comedy to achieve one goal: Making our audience and ourselves laugh. Listen to our shows at https://www.headgum.com. » SUBSCRIBE to Headgum: https://www.youtube.com/c/HeadGum?sub_confirmation=1  » FOLLOW us on Twitter: http://twitter.com/headgum  » FOLLOW us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/headgum/ » FOLLOW us on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum So True is a Headgum podcast, created and hosted by Caleb Hearon. The show is produced by Chance Nichols with Associate Producer Allie Kahan and Executive Producer Emma Foley. So True is engineered by Casey Donahue and engineered and edited by Nicole Lyons. Kaiti Moos is our VP of Content at Headgum. Thanks to Luke Rogers for our show art. Go to Zocdoc.com/SOTRUE and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor todaySee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Can I say something really quick before I answer that? I would love for you to. These costumes are going to be wet by the time we're done. Oh yeah, my DNA is all on the inside. Yeah, mine's soaked. Yeah, already. Mine is soaked, and guess what else?

This candy bowl can't move. Well girls, welcome back. We're rolling. How y'all been? Bello! Bello! Bello! Bello!

Bello! Happy Belloween! What are y'all's genders? Minion. Minion gender. Minion self. Minion yellow. What are the minion genders?

Do they have any at all? Stuart, Bob, and Kevin. Stuart, Bob, and Kevin. Yeah. gender. Minion self. Minion yellow. What are the minion genders? Do they have any at all? Stuart, Bob, and Kevin. Stuart, Bob, and Kevin. They prefer not to answer. Yeah, okay, no worries. I'll have my people call your people. That's an HR visit waiting to happen. Now, hold on.

My question for y'all is, are y'all going to be doing the episode as Drew and Brittany or as minion characters? I mean, I think I know what Brittany's answer is. I was going to be me. Yeah, okay. And Brittany was planning on being a minion for sure. She absolutely was.

So we were just going to do this and not commit? What's the fucking point? Why are we in the costume? Yeah, we're tucked right now. I'm going home. I'm going home. If we're not going to do it right, I'm going home. Then we're not going to do it at all.

We're not doing it? Right, we're not doing it at all. I'm going home. You know, I've said this on TikTok a few times he was on to something with the minions right right little creatures run around your house doing chores giving you a massage i only have three fingers one two three uh you know maybe cooking like your hello fresh meal or something yeah response to this podcast click my link below. Please click the

HelloFresh link. You know what I mean? Like, there has to be some utility to the minions for real. Absolutely. Yeah. What you're describing,

unfortunately, is slavery. He said, I know it's illegal. That's why I made my own. I made my own race. My own species. Created my own. I just made my own. I did it my own way real quick. He said, protected under free speech. My own species. Created my own. I just made my own.

I did it my own way real quick. You said protected under free speech. DIY. DIY real quick. Can I say something really quick? I wish you would. I wish you would too. For the room, now that we're alone.

Go ahead. There's 27 people in here. There are so many people. Like literally there's 30 people in this room. There are so many people in here. When I was earlier today, I was like thinking about like how we have plans after we're going to go eat whatever. Chili's. You can say Chili how we have plans after we're going to go eat whatever. Chili's.

You can say Chili's. You can say we're going to Chili's. Looking at you with that on. It's so upsetting. I was like. What? I'm like listening. I was like thinking about getting picked up like by the car that I have.

And I was like, I think we'll be fine. Because one thing about Caleb, when he's done hanging out, he's done. He'll let you know. No. When I tell you every meal we've ever had together, at one point he goes, well, I'm going to head out. I have to go. I'm not kidding. Like, the way he calls a meeting, like, he's like, yeah, okay, well, this is done now.

Yeah, yeah. Y'all make fun of me, too, because y'all texted me the other day and said, I know a Rezzy hates to see Caleb coming. Yeah. I know, I know. An open table hates to see Caleb coming. If y'all say, what about dinner on Tuesday night? I say, I already got An open table hates to see Caleb Cummings. If y'all say, what about dinner on Tuesday night? I say, I already got the table.

Yeah, trust. Seven o'clock. Yeah, we had no reservation. We're like, well, Caleb always does it. Yeah. I don't even, it's like,

if we're in a city that I don't know, if we're in New York, whatever, and it's like, where are we eating? I'm like, text my guy. I have no idea.

Because that motherfucker is eating. He's eating but not only that but you know where like the good spots are because I'm like let's do Popeyes

that'll do it every time you and me both yeah not around me girls y'all gonna miss me when I'm gone because y'all don't fucking appreciate me

y'all don't appreciate me now but when I'm gone I'll celebrate when I'm gone when I'm gone I dumped this candy I'll do it with the pumpkin you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. I'll celebrate. When I'm gone. When I'm gone. I dump this candy. I'll do it with the pumpkin.

You're going to miss me when I'm gone. Do you know what me and Drew are talking about? That this bitch is like a cup stacking champion. Oh, yeah. Do you remember those? Do you remember cup stacking? Speed stackers? You were good at that? Hell yeah, bitch.

I had the little math at times. No. I swear to God, I was Denzel Washington in The Equalizer. So you weren't getting... I said, give me 30 seconds. Plastic cups hate to see me coming. Stop! They hate to see my ass coming.

One thing about a group of plastic cups, if I'm in the room, they're getting stabbed. And you better believe it. Why were you doing that? I don't know. Mental illness? You know, everyone has to have their thing. I saw it and I was like, I bet I could do that. And I asked for it for Christmas and I got it.

You said, I'm not like other girls. I'm stacking cups. I'm doing Fushigi. I'm a lot weirder. She's cheer captain and I'm stacking cups. You and the Taylor Swift video are across the window. Instead of holding up a little sign, you're just in the window. I'm ignoring his calls.

Because I'm too busy stacking cups. I can't hang out this weekend. I got cups to stack. You were dating football players. I was practicing the blade. I was honing my craft. I was honing my skill. What have you all been up to?

What's going on in your lives? Man. Can I say something really quick before I answer that? I would love for you to. These costumes are going to be wet by the time we're done. Oh yeah, my DNA is all on the inside. Yeah, mine's soaked. Yeah, already.

Mine is soaked, and guess what else? This candy bowl can't move. For what I think are obvious reasons. Guess what else? Guess what else? Unless y'all want to see uh an incredibly detailed sort of marble uh you know those marble statues where they used to do like silk and people would be like oh incredible they're able to do that that's what the minion

uh overalls are doing to my dick and balls at the moment every every follicle of every pubic hair you would be able to see beautifully yeah it's realism gorgeous when your tuck comes undone midway through the performance that's the y'all I wanna do

minions drag done I should do a number you should you absolutely should you think but it's to the ba ba ba

ba ba ba ba ba ba boom boom walk a mile in these little hey they don't wear this shit wear would y'all fuck me in this Walk a mile in these little big houses. Hey. They don't wear this shit.

Would y'all fuck me in this? I will if they open that flap on your butt like long johns. You're going to bend me over? Oh, I'm sorry. Are you not gay? Oh. Sorry. Based off that statue, I'd say otherwise. Are you not gay? Oh. Sorry. Based off that statue, I'd say otherwise.

Do we have HR? The minions don't. It would be an honor to be fucked by either of you. I would take it from either of you at any given time. I bet you would. I would. Nose goes, not it. I really would.

Brittany, if I ask you to fuck me on my Christian show... If there's a fee and my lawyer can redline an agreement, then maybe... Your lawyer can redline an agreement. No worries. I'll show you a redline. Just move that popcorn bucket. What does that mean? We'll take a good look at a redline. We'll see what's behind here. Hey, I got some spooky topics for you guys.

Okay. Please. What horror movie Let's see what's behind here. Let's take a peek. Hey, I got some spooky topics for you guys. Okay. Okay. What horror movie would you survive in? That's a great question. Let me think. Honestly, honestly, I think, and I'm being so dead ass, I think Saw. You know why?

Because I don't let men tell me what to do ever, but not a fucking puppet period and also on a tricycle by the way right like get bring your little wooden ass in here and i'll show you a fucking game i would play a game with me i would win saw because the rules are simple he goes chop off your arm i'm gonna kill you guess whose arms getting chopped off i'm good i'm a rule follower you are a rule follower i'll do it i'll tell i'll literally tell jigsaw to his wooden ass face that's a very presumptuous take to assume i still want to be here right you know what i'm saying kill me then yeah kill me i feel like free me with with jigsaw you would make you would break him yeah like the whole point is like doing a fucking thing or i'm gonna i don't know what he does in the tricycle you would you would psychologically melt him

yeah I'm like no I don't want to you're taking down jigsaw day one he lets me out cause I'm just that annoying turn my speaker on

she doesn't fucking listen get out and bring a different bitch he's behind the camera with his friends bro come on this bitch is annoying

as fuck she's not listening to me! No, I swear to God, I'm just gonna make the contraption. I'm doing it. I'm doing it now. I'm not even gonna give her the 24 hours. And then you cut to the camera and I'm doing that Fortnite dance. I'm taking everything they love, slowly, one by one. Drew, you adjusting, you adjusting.

No! Save me! You're indecent. You adjusting your goggles the entire time is sending me over here. Well, it's my thinking cap, so when I put it on, I'm really thinking hard. What about you? I'm dripping down my back so intensely right now. Can you repeat the question for me, Senator?

Of course you should. What and where did your gloves go? Got hot. Right. She's getting overstimulated. Brittany, Brittany, top of the episode, are we committing or not? Brittany halfway through in a t-shirt and jeans just posted.

Me in a muumuu like this. So what was the question again? What was the damn question? What horror movie would you survive in hun what horror movie yes you know initially my mind sort of and i don't back this up but i'm gonna follow through with the thought is what was that one where the kid was living in the walls oh the boy the boy what is this but i'm the boy you've always you've always been the boy you're my you're always the boy in my world you're my boy you're my boy um the boy it's yeah no i'm good over here

i'm cool don't worry about me no worries fam yeah that one is like uh they hire a babysitter yeah to come babysit this fuck-ass puppet that's like a mannequin. And the family is like, yeah, that's the doll. And it moves. Because at first you think like, oh, the parents are repositioning it. Or it's like, we don't know what's going on.

Oh, it's a ghost. And it has instructions you have to follow. Every night he likes dinner at this time. You have to put a show on at this time. It's a fucking puppet. At the end of the movie, you realize there is a grown-ass man-child living in the walls of this home. And he's like watching through it.

Yeah, watching her, like wants to fuck her, has a blow-up doll in his little room, his parents themselves, it's a whole thing. I'd be the boy. What? Yes, you would.

And you're the nanny. And you're the nanny. Number one thing I'm not doing if I get a job request that says come babysit this mannequin or this doll I'm saying no well they wrote it as if it was like their son and then they're like this is him

and it's a doll and she's like oh people are fucked up she's like I'm not reading the doll a story like as soon as I see the instructions I'm like I'm not doing that shit. Oh, she was like that? Yeah.

Okay, so she's real as fuck. At first she was doing it, and then she was like, this doll is like a doll. I don't think it'll know if I don't. Me when I'm Dylan Mulvaney. A doll. This doll is a doll. This doll is a doll. Me when I'm Dylan.

Shout out, Dylan. We love Dylan. Shout out to all the dolls. Yeah, all the dolls. For real. And Caleb here in nation. Unless you're in the and Caleb here in nation unless you're in the boy for real unless you're in the boy

I'll kill you what's your answer what horror movie would I survive Texas Chainsaw Massacre you're not gonna kill me with a chainsaw why is that

cause he walks slow as fuck also right now try to pretend to cut me with a chainsaw and boom I lived and boom I lived and boom I lived if he comes

if he comes at me and changes I'm gonna do this and boom I lived the boy who lived the boy who lived I'm the boy who lived

you're the doll who lived I'm the doll who lived you're going on T Harry I'm the doll who lived. You're going on tea, Harry. Instead of having the forehead scar, he has the top surgery scars. You're a doll, Harry. The name that should not be named is his dead name that's literally how I feel about the

movie scream wait is Harry Potter a trans allegory perhaps probably not right probably well I would assume not yeah I would assume not

just based on it Brittany said perhaps perhaps and then I realized the joke yeah I'm there I'm here I'm here

what about the movie scream I said I feel that way about And then I realized the joke. Yeah. I'm there. I'm here. I'm here. What about the movie Scream? I said I feel that way about the movie Scream. Yeah. The same way. Yeah, because that's one of your fuck ass friends. Yeah, that's just your homeboy. I'll beat the shit out of my friends. I'll give a fuck.

Oh. Yes. Oh. Oh, really? And it's going to happen if you keep making jokes without me. Okay. That's a promise. Beautiful.

Beautiful. Beautiful. We're literally going on a trip together in like three days. We are. We sure are.. Okay. That's a promise. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. We're literally going on a trip together in like three days. We sure are. I know, that's damn right. How y'all feeling about the trip?

What are the vibes gonna be? I was thinking the movie Spring Breakers starring James Franco with box braids. Can I be him? With carbo. God damn it, Brittany.

God damn it. Can I be white guy with dreads, please? Well, we are going to Mexico and white people love to do that in Mexico That's true maybe Caleb you and I Uh And then I had a stroke

I'm so sorry The eyeball is leaving an indent on your face That I'm loving queen You love it You want to do some white people misbehaving When we're in Mexico? Yeah, I was going to say we should all get cornrows with the little beads in them. I would love that.

Yeah. Do y'all remember when girls would come back from like a trip over summer and be like, what'd you do to your hair? And they'd be like, do you like it? I was in Jamaica. And you'd be like, oh, yeah, we got it. Yeah. We saw the Facebook album.

Yeah, I'm locked into that. I'm locked in, Queen. Yeah, we're going to do Mexico. We're doing Cancun. Mm-hmm locked into that. I'm locked in, queen. Yeah, we're going to do Mexico. We're doing Cancun. Mm-hmm. Yes. And I, here's my goal. Here's my intention for the trip.

Thank you. All right, let's hear it. Fuck off. Fucking off at the pool. We're fucking off at the bar. Yep. We're fucking off when we all sleep in the same bed. Yeah.

Okay? Yeah, that's one thing that Drew didn't say is that we're all sharing a hotel room. Yeah. And I kind of assumed that, but can I ask you guys something? I'll just, like, off the record low key. Sure. Billy keeps texting me and saying that he and I should just share a bed. Yeah.

Is that normal? Yeah. Well, I mean, we are looking for a third. We're auditioning a third. Auditioning a third minion. I would do anything. Please, please. I do think I'd be good at being someone's third.

Do you think? No. Can I tell you something funny? Yeah. When I was on tour this summer, we would read stories from the crowd, and there was one in Florida where this girl said she was hooking up with this guy. And he suggested, well, a different girl suggested they have a threesome. And so she was like, okay, period. And they go in the room and she sat

in the corner while the two of them did it and she just sat there and like waited for them I was like what are you waiting to get tagged in like WWE tag me in and then she literally said she sat there and then after Dason was like and did they say they were tired after

and she goes yeah and they said oh I'm kind of beat I'm gonna get out of here and I said and did you go oh it's actually no worries I'm so glad and she was like so we laughed about it I still laugh about it now thinking about it

you cucked out queen I'm in the cuck chair I'm suggesting a threesome and then putting myself in the cuck chair have y'all ever had a threesome and then putting myself in the cuck chair. Have y'all ever had a threesome? No. No. I've been invited to one many times.

Don't do it because someone always ends up the admin. That's what I'm saying. Someone always ends up the admin. I have been the admin and I have seen the admin. I've seen someone else become the admin. And there's no dignity. Well, it's just shameful. They're starting to grab feet and shit. It's like they're just off to the side trying to throw a finger in wherever it fits.

Trying to be helpful. It's like, me and this guy kind of got something going. You need to maybe just grab a break. Logistical coordinator. Grab a breather. There's those football player green water bottles in the corner. Get you some water, brother. Craft service table.

Hit the showers. Take five for me. Go get a kind bar. We're going to keep doing our thing over here, Pip. You're eating those fucking, you know those little goo things people drink when they run marathons? Go get me one of those. Tag in. Tag in.

Go get me a goo, bitch. A chomp protein. Yeah, you can have those Stroop waffles that have a lot of sugars in them. Grab me a jalapeno chomp and a goo. I love chomps. I love chomps, I love chomps too. I had one of those the meat sticks

I had a chomp. Dude, I fuck with a chomp bad. I love a chomp. I will have 17 chomps in a row and be like not me on a diet. Something about chomps

makes me feel healthy. And you get my protein goal for the day. Yeah, I'm watching my protein. I got my protein goal for the day. I'm actually healthy as fuck right now.

I had, what, I have 25 chomps today. That's like all encased. I love those goddamn things. That is not meat. It's not meat. That is not meat. Can't be meat.

That is protein paste. I love it. Formed into a stick. Yeah. I will eat the hell. You know what? This is probably the most country thing about me. Every year during deer season, I call my mom and I say, I don't care what it takes.

I don't care what old friends you have to rustle up. Go get me some deer salami. Yep. Some venison. And she does. You lost me at deer season. That's too white for me. Baby.

Peace and love though. Hey. That's fair. First of all, all my respect to you, but deer salami. Slomp. It hits.

Slaps. You know, a lot of, this is so not interesting, but I feel the need to tell you because we're talking about it. Right. You know,

a lot of, obviously. Chance, will you make a note because we're talking about it. Right. You know, a lot of, obviously. Chance, will you make a note? We're going to cut this part. Earmark this part, add. Insert add. I go, oh my God, Queen, we can't wait to hear. What's up, guys?

It's me, Caleb. I have two things. If you live in Missouri or nearby, maybe. Abortion is on the ballot in Missouri. Vote yes on three. I had to check to make sure I got it right because I don't want to be saying the wrong thing. Vote yes on three to support abortion rights in Missouri. Please, please, please go vote on that if you are voting in Missouri. I voted early. It was really, really easy.

Go get that done. Also, Kansas City, November 23rd in Kansas City, Waxahachie and I are co-hosting a bunch of our friends, comedians and musicians at the Midland. We are doing a benefit show called Yeehaw to benefit the Tenants Union. Tara's episode is out and she talked a bunch about the Tenant Union. But please, please, please, if you live in Kansas City or nearby Omaha, come on down. Chicago, come on down. November 23rd at the Midland, we're doing a show to benefit the Tenant Union that But please, please, please, if you live in Kansas City or nearby, Omaha, come on down. Chicago, come on down. November 23rd at the Midland, we're doing a show to benefit the Tenant Union that we're so excited about. Me, Waxahachie, a bunch of other fun people that we'll announce.

But yes, please come. Yes, queen, go off. Well, essentially, when you eat venison sausage, it's not lean enough. So you got to add some pork into it. Usually when you eat deer sausage, it's got pig in it too, which a lot of people, they don't know that. They don't know that. But you got to cut it for the emulsion purposes. It's 100p.

The thing about sausage is the fat to meat ratio for the emulsion. And then, of course, the casing has to provide the proper snap. Drew. Sausage heads know what the fuck I'm talking about. Me going, me going. Drew goes, hey, Chance. Yeah. Well, you guys don't need me for this part.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick. Back to threesomes. I do want to circle back to threesomes. Let's take it on back to threesomes. I was like, think i do want to circle back to threesomes i told i was like well this is like most of my relationship where i billy like sits and listens to me talk about shit that doesn't matter for like 40 minutes like sausage casing i'm talking shit but it's because i'm not the one yapping so i'm getting jealous can i just say by the way the number of times i've gotten a phone call from drew we're talking casually for 45 minutes and she just goes sorry i'm in the car with Billy.

He's been sitting there, I don't mind, but I'm like this poor guy. He don't care. He don't care. And he laughs. He's chilling. He's a chauffeur. Yeah, easily. His own private podcast. Obviously. I watched a Law & Order SVU episode about

a couple that love to have threesomes. Anyways, don't want to spoil the ending for you, but I am going to. Essentially, they get caught for being awful. Okay. And we were talking about threesomes and how they had them all the time. And I was telling him, first of all, fuck a threesome, because I'm the star in my show. I don't need any supporting acts. Appreciate you, though.

But then I was thinking, what if I was in the threesome, and I was convinced it was WWE rehearsal? So I'm like I was convinced it was like WWE like rehearsal so I'm like okay yeah no let's do it and then I'm talking to the judge and I'm this is me literally workshopping bits with Billie like she doesn't give a fuck and then like your honor to be fair they did not say what kind of play we were doing right like I'm thinking like I come in off the top rope and all of a sudden I'm doing too much. By God, that's Drew Follows music. By God, he's got a family. Don't do it, Drew.

Don't do it. You install one of those ropes to balance. I don't know how much y'all know about WWE. What? But you know Rikishi. Oh, yeah. Do you know Rikishi? Minimal.

He's a big Samoan dude. Okay. And his whole thing, I'm not kidding, his famous move was putting his big fat ass on people. I'm not kidding. Yeah. And he follows me on Instagram, by the way. Love you, Rikishi. Shout out.

Shout out, Rikishi. Shout out, for real. Shout out, Rikishi. Now, you could have never known when you brought Rikishi up how much trauma is in that whole thing for me. Really? Because growing up, everyone loved the WWE and Rikishi was big back then. And anytime we played WWE, guess who the fuck I had to be?

And they were like, and they would, you know, someone would play the announcer and they'd be like, Rikishi's about to do his signature move! And I'd be like, Maybe that's the... He sits and then rubs. You had to smother them with your ass. Yeah.

He puts them in the turn, he puts them in the fucking corner and then goes like. You have to smother them with your ass. Rubs is crazy. He puts them in the fucking corner and then goes like this. And then puts his ass up in their face. I'm not kidding. Yeah. I wanted to be Stone Cold Steve Austin. You wanted to. Oh, not John Cena, so Rikishi.

Yeah. Every time I said, can I be Stone Cold Steve Austin? They said, we're thinking Rikishi for you. We actually already cast you. That role's actually taken. They said, yeah, we're going to want someone cool to be that.

Rikishi, you can do the butt thing. If you please. Yeah, he puts his big fat ass rubs just hard as fuck. That's all he does. That is truly the best move. Because it's shock, horror, and then realization of what's just happened to you. Yeah, after their faces after, it's the best. That's me's shock, horror, and then realization of what's just

happened to you. Yeah, after their faces after, it's the best. That's me in a threesome. Let's see what it looks like. Me in a threesome. Rikishi doing his butt move. You're Rikishi. Well, we have a similar build. Oh, perfect. That's my brother. That's my kin, by the way.

Shouts out, Rikishi. Rikishi's literally fam. That's literally fam, yeah. That's literally Ohana, Rikishi. Rikishi's literally fam. That's fam. That's literally fam, yeah. That's literally Ohana, Rikishi. I love him. Yeah, they always have to sell it, too, after Rikishi does the butt thing. Like, the guys that just got their, an Astro doll in the face, they have to go. It's awesome. No, don't do it again.

Oh, not private bits. I can't say the name. Not private bits i can't say the name not private bits basically we we have both shared an experience with someone who stank really bad okay caleb let me just paint this picture for you okay yeah this is he's a very well-to-do you know just white guy in social media yeah okay drew had told me previously there's a young gentleman that stinks and i was like stinks how like bo or what she was like no just stinks and there isn't a word to describe it i had the misfortune of coming across him and drew was in

the room with me and i smelled him and i literally went over to her and i said you weren't fucking joking like it was shocking and then i was trying to describe to's and what it smells like you know what i mean like like because it's not bo it's it's something more sinister and something more sour it's wrong it's from the inside yes there's something medical going on there and i said like ass i said do you know like when you wipe your butt with a butt wipe okay throw it in the trash yeah you don't flush it right and then it kind of sits there and it wafts up every now and then like maybe when the ac hits it right that's what he smelled like you know when you wipe and you're like i gotta get in the shower that times a

million you do that you do that third wipe and there's still too much coming off. You're like, uh-oh. I gotta go hose off. I should be seeing more white after another white. It's not supposed to get worse. Yeah. As time goes on. You're like, I've been wiping for 20 minutes. How is there more shit than what I started with?

Am I, unbeknownst to me, shitting while I wipe? How is it so dark on this toilet paper? Wait, we'll bleep the name, but I'm going to say who I think it is. Okay. No. No. Sorry, because I know he smells fucking crazy. I guarantee it, bitch.

Is he hot, the guy? Because hot people can get away with a lot. Yeah, some people would think. I mean, the guy? Because hot people can go with a lot. Yeah, some people would think. I mean, I'm assuming. Some people would agree. Yeah, some people would, but I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't either. And it smelled so bad, I literally was like, he needs his anal glands expressed.

Actually, you know what? Bend over. I'm going to do it here because I can't take it anymore. I'll take one of these, put it right up there. Yeah. It makes that elastic sound. I'm going to keep talking about his eating habits have you been feeding him

wet food and I'm gonna stick it up there and I'm gonna go to town I'm gonna start rooting around until I find the solution yeah I'm checking in yeah I'm clocking in actually

he needs to be hospitalized he needs to be hospitalized he needs to go to the fucking hospital you wanna know something funny it's so bad that I'm not kidding this is the third podcast

I've talked to him about I feel so personally attacked by it at this point that I was like and get this he has a girlfriend oh god bless her

they always do yeah they always do it's till the room stinks but he's just in there naked but nothing's happened nothing's happened god don't catch him

on a hot day. I'm serious. I can smell you through a three-piece suit. There's something wrong. You need to go to the hospital. Ick. Ick, but in a clinical way. It's worse than an ick.

I don't know what it is. I want to smell him. And for his sake and his sake alone, I hope he never talks shit on me. Because if he does. We're pulling up all the clips. Girl, do I have a gang of fucking jokes for you, you stinky bitch. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to town, bitch.

I hope for his sake he never, never turns on me. You better hope. I've been working on a tight fire for this. I swear to God, I have at least 10 in my head already. It's bad. One thing about gay guys. Just say it. Here I go.

They will stink. And they will stink. And I'm like, do you know how bad you smell? Like, I have hooked up with a guy before who smelled pretty good the whole night. And then we got back, the clothes came off, and I was like, brother. What is that? Bruh. Bruh.

What you said. It's like a baked potato when you open the foil. And it's like wafts up. That's literally it. It just lets it all out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you smell like a chomps, but there are no chomps in here. I feel personally attacked and insulted.

Don't come into my bedroom smelling like a sausage. Don't smell like deer salami in here Don't you fucking dare I'm gonna be pissed But can I ask you a question Say it Like on a percentage scale Would you say amount of gay guys that genuinely Smell very bad because in my experience

Gay men smell great But I'm not under the clothes I'm not under the socks You're not. Yeah. But I'm not under the clothes. I'm not under the socks and undies. You're not getting under the hood. I'm not under the hood. Yeah. I would say most often it's gay men that I don't know. It's gay men at the club. It's gay men at the bar.

Yeah. That stink. And a lot of them are into it. There is a sect of gay men that are into like- A musk stink play? Yeah, truly. Scat play at that point. Truly.

Shit. It's poopoo play. Poopoo play. Stinky butt play. I don't know. They're doing poopoo play stinky butt play I don't know I don't know stinky butt play icky butt play fuck it

you wanna come back to my place and do some icky butt play you got a stinky butt come on over me some icky butt play? You got a stinky butt? Come on. Come on over. You, me, some wine, stinky butt play. It's can you host and do you have a stinky butt? Hey, what do you say? You, me, some white sheets I'm going to have to throw out tomorrow.

A bottle of bleach. Stinky butt play at my place. Bottle of bleach. I feel like that's just men in general too. Straight men are no better. Oftentimes they're worse. Like on tour, I had in every city 25 dates by the way every single one at least 10 of men having shit in their ass what yeah what are you talking about like horrifying stories of like hooking up and

finding out that they had shit in their ass how are you finding out you getting in there i would assume you can smell it one girl said that he scooted off her bed and left us and left us skitty on the sheet i'm dead ass and i'm dead serious and then get this even worse she goes she literally goes but it's okay we're married now i've taught him better and you bet your fucking ass we opened the show with that one that was actually the day i found out that was a bestseller and i was like oh yeah queen i said oh so that's a man that's still in your life why hey all love to you and your stinky husband that's insane whatever makes the world go around like men with shit in their ass one girl i was she was like describing something and then she was talking about him and she was someone the men she the man she hooked up with was someone and obviously i'm someone and then i was like clarifying what she was saying on stage

and she goes no yeah exactly exactly i go look don't find community with me bitch you are alone in that stand alone don't you look over here like i know what you're talking about i don't you're on an island stay there no no no you are being shamed publicly be quiet while i shame you you're on trial yeah i'm not your friend yeah active trial yeah i'm judge jury and executioner yes and you're about to have a bad night and your husband's guilty of stinky butt syndrome yeah he's got icky butt we're killing him a skitty on your sheets girl if a man left a fucking skid mark on my bed i have to talk like you get to go home i have to clean i'm blowing up the house with both of us in it so we're no one's going home tonight no you're not leaving this house a lot

and neither am i none of us are everyone gotta die if there's shit on my sheets. Oh my god! Y'all fucking imagine? Y'all believe in ghosts? Yeah, absolutely. Isn't your mom a ghost hunter? Yeah. You come from a lineage of them, girl. Hold on. Is your mom a ghost hunter?

Yeah, that's her family business. Y'all don't tell me anything. She was gonna take over the family business, but then this happened. you know things took a more serious time duty calls but then i got drafted and now i serve i'm one of god's silly soldiers yeah yeah have you ever been ghost hunting with her i have i have been on an expedition and, if you want a real ghost story, I can give you one. We do. Let's hear it. So I went with my mother. I'll tell you too.

I went with my mom on an expedition. Expedition. In Montgomery County, Texas. Texas. And it's this woman's, it's an old town spring, which is like, the story of Spring is they took a bunch of houses from Houston and drove them to Spring. So they're all like mismatched. They're not originally from there. Different, like, whatever.

You know what I'm trying to say. Different periods. And so we go into this one store that's, of course, this crazy old batshit lady. It's like, she makes her own perfume, pheromone perfume and crystals and all that shit there's like cats around the whole thing and we go in there and i think her name is tammy and she's like heather it's my mom's name heather i hear things i hear things stuff moves i'll lock up one day come in the next morning i'm the only one with a key. And things have been moved around. I look at the security footage.

No one's touching it. Like, it's moving on its own. Doors shut. Faucets turn on. But it doesn't feel malevolent. You know what I mean? It feels like something. It's like a playful energy.

And I was like, playful energy. And my mom's like, let's go check it out. Shout out like a job for me. Duty calls. Yeah, duty calls. And so she brings me. She's like, do you want to come? I was like, you know what? Fuck it. Let'sadows like a job for me. Duty calls. Yeah, duty calls. And so she brings me. She's like, do you want to come? I was like, you know what?

Fuck it, let's go. I go with her. We pull up. We start asking all the questions of like, when do you hear it? Is there a certain time of night? Is there a feeling? Is there a smell associated? Because that's a thing, too, of like sometimes if it's a residual haunting you'll get remnants of like smoke or

like cigarette smoke or cigar smoke or a lady's perfume stinky butt yeah um and so she was like yeah sometimes i i do and so everyone leaves and we're in this back room where she was like the most activity happens in this back room and we sit there and the technology mom uses and that the ghost hunting community uses yeah you know an xbox xbox connect yeah it's that footage it's like a a device that is electromagnetic energy okay to track your body you know like when you're dancing and just dance it makes a little stick figure of you based on the electromagnetic or heat radio i don't know and so she uses this and sets it up in the room as like a genuine ghost hunting thing like and of course we're gonna get our evidence off of this naturally so she sets it up and we're

all quiet and she's got you know her emf detector which is electromagnetic magnetic frequency and you can talk to things and it'll it sounds like a radiation detector and then there's divining rods which if you know you probably know this from farming divining rods will cross because they're made of copper when you go over water and it's what farmers used to use to locate underground water sources they use the ghost hunting community uses divining rods to try to connect and talk to spirit so they'll they'll hold them and they're very loose on top and you ask it a question you're like you know if you died in this house cross the the wires and then it'll do it sometimes and then it'll say my mom will be like thank you can you uncross them and then it'll fucking do it no just so i can step in real quick

uh-huh she's holding them in both hands yes what's stopping her from doing this well 100 percent right okay no, no worries. I'm just asking questions. And you're asking all the right questions. I'm doing my own research. And she would say, you know, that's good, Caleb. You're a skeptic. I love her.

Yeah, if she was sitting right there, she'd say, it's good, you're inquisitive. Yeah. Because I was like, you know, she's white knuckling these things. And I'm like, literally one turn of your wrist in and they're crossing. She claims that she'll hold it steady. And she has. She's held it on her knees before and they're crossing. She claims that she's, you know, she'll, she'll hold it steady. And she has,

she's held it on her knees before and it's crossed and it's freaked me out. So she's got those, she's got the email detector and she's got this fucking Xbox connect. Well, we're in the room. Not the, not the ghost is a gamer and gamer girl goes dance central. Yeah.

Dead. 1890. Loves Xbox gamer doll. Gamer doll goes. Um, so we're in this back room it's me my mom one other person and then the owner of the shop and she starts all the lights are off the ac's off whatever we're in this back room and she goes um if there's someone here can you say hi can you tell us you know where you? And it's quiet for a second. And then she asks again, are you there?

I can feel you. And then the EMF detector. And then it goes back down. And I said, don't fuck with me. Are you serious? And then she does it again. Are you a girl? And it goes back down.

And then she'll ask, are you a boy? No answer. And so I'm like okay okay then after a while she starts asking specific questions are you eight years old are you nine years old are you 10 are you 11 quiet you know whatever then after probably about 15 minutes of this of this where she thinks she's talking to it and i'm honestly like what the fuck why is it reacting like that because all the stimuli is quiet in the room a little figure pops up on the fucking xbox connect screen no ma'am and it's sitting up on something like that like let's say it's up there like on a ledge like on a ledge on it she had

these big like wardrobes that she would keep her perfume vials in and it was sitting up on the fucking wardrobe like this no like it had the two, and then the two legs looked like they were crossed up there. Literally, it was smoking a cigarette. I'm serving. I'm serving. Hey, girls. It starts voguing. Hey, queen.

What the fuck? Oh, she's a doll. Oh, she's a doll. And she was like, is that you? And then it sort of moves a little. And she goes, are you a girl that's 10 years old? Did you die in this house? And then it starts moving kind of frantically. And then the AMF detector

is going and then it all shuts off. And I'm like, mom, are you fucking doing that? Like, are you serious? And she was like, what could I be doing? And she's like, I'm sitting here right next to you. And then she has this thing where she's like, when they move, so it jumped down off the

wardrobe came across no go ahead get your snack and then it came across her lap and it's a cold breeze like when a spirit and she can feel it and that shit freaks me out because i'm like i can't explain it she turned the ac off no windows are open so if there's something moving where you can feel it and then it pops up over there across the screen on the kinetic. Do you need help? Sorry. I thought it was going to be a quiet, private endeavor. You keep going, hon. Get to it, queen.

Can we get you some more? Hey, put this in 2X. Speak this part out. Can we put it in 4X? Damn. Believe in the part about the rods. That's important. Please don't forget the rods.

Can we get Drew in the edit? Drew in the Minions costume. Anyway. Anyway, so that was that night. We established it's a young girl that was around nine or ten when she passed she is in this back room come to find out my mom does some like cross minion hand cross like examination of what we experienced in that room the information she collected from asking questions and then historical records of mont Montgomery County in that time period. Ooh. Something, there was a match. A little girl was playing with, I think, her brother or something and tripped on a rock and hit her head and, like, bled out in this little garden right by that back room.

Probably, like, 70, 80 years ago. And that's the girl she was talking to. That's fucking scary. There are certain things where I'm like, what the fuck, mom? There was another time we were in, you really finished that quick. Well, damn. You're not going to think I gave it the Glock Glock 9000. It just came off like that.

You just got really acidic spit. Saliva. Yeah, my shit's toxic. Yeah. That's really scary. It is. And so I've seen things like that. It's like, I don't know if I truly believe, but it's like, well, I can't explain that away.

We were in New Orleans a different time. This is the last ghost story I'll tell. We were in New Orleans a different time. And I was with my mother and my grandmother. And we were in the oldest operating restaurant since in America, I think. It's from the Civil War. It's from like the 1850s. And it's got original flooring and original walls and the original bar. And we walk

in and we're like, ah, it's cool. We're the only people in here because it's about 3.30pm. No one's eating lunch. No one's eating dinner. We sit down. We're the only people in the dining room and it's quiet. My mom goes, there is someone over my left shoulder. And I said, don't fucking do that. Not now, boo.

Your mom's the Long Island medium. Teresa Caputo. You ever heard of it? Yeah. Better believe. And so she's like, there's someone over my left shoulder. And I said, we're not doing this here. She said, no, I'm serious.

There's someone over my left shoulder. And he's standing there. And it's a benevolent presence. And he's standing like this with his arm. And I was like, what? And then after a while, she she was like he's still there he's still there he's not going away she brings the waitress over and she's like i don't know any reports of hauntings in this room and the girl's like oh yeah there's like a

waiter who haunts this room and my mom was like did you fucking get that did you fucking get that hey bitch you hear what he said yeah clock it And part of me was like, sure, there's a waiter haunting this room because waiters were always in this room. You know what I mean? Your mom goes. I felt it. I felt it. I knew it. I knew it.

I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it. She's like, yes. I fucking knew it. But yeah, so that was a weird one where she pulled the waitress over and the waitress was like, yeah, it's an older black gentleman who haunts us because it's from the fucking 1850s. And so up until they closed it and then reopened it, there were slave quarters upstairs. And so she was like, yeah, it's a young gentleman who haunts this room. And my mom was like, I fucking doubt it.

Let me tell you something. young gentleman who haunts this room? And my mom was like, I fucking doubt it. Let me tell you something. If I was a black guy from the 1850s and I died in a restaurant, the one thing a white person would never have is a peaceful meal. Yeah, amen. I guarantee. And the church said amen. I guarantee.

I'm coming back, don't you worry. Those appetizers are going to be uncomfortable. Least I can do. Least I can do is stand around the table. And it's him just standing over you going, enjoying the meal? I will haunt every single person who ever walked in there that's a good point amen so those are my two ghost stories and she still does expeditions she does like uh abandoned hospitals and shit like that in houston and she loves it but i love her yeah i believe in ghosts for sure do you do you have any experiences with the paranormal not personally but because i'm indigenous we believe in stuff like that very heavily well

we believe in let spirits come back and they like sometimes they they come back for bad reasons sometimes they come back for good reasons i think it's just like but i just i i'm someone that like because i have so much melanin in me i don't fuck with the afterlife so every time they're like let's do a ouija board, I'm going the fuck home. Like, I'm not doing that. Once you open it, you can't close it.

Yeah. But people like, I just don't fuck with them. I feel like about ghosts, the way I feel about the sea, none of my business. Don't need to know. Don't need to know,

don't want to know. I don't. Sending peace, love, and unity, though. Yeah. You don't have the security clearance for that. No, I don't. And I don't need it. Don't give it to me. I don't want it. I have a scary story. Do you? Not and unity, though. Yeah. You don't have the security clearance for that. No, I don't. And I don't need it. Don't give it to me.

I don't want it. I have a scary story. Do you? Not about ghosts, though. It's about what's behind that popcorn bucket. Yeah. I got a scary story. Hold the deal.

Blur that. No, I have a scary story. Okay. Okay, let's hear it. Why are you teasing us? But, you know, with ghosts, it's almost less scary than real people because real people can hurt you worse. Okay. Picture this.

Me not wanting to listen. Dig this. Me immediately tuning out. Hold on, girls. Can we take a break? Dig this. Picture it. I'm 15 years old.

Okay? Poor. We live. That's it. Don't I fucking know it I'm 15 years old fuck scary a thundercrack

I'm 15 years old my mom was working nights at the women's prison thank you thank you and so we had moved we had moved just out of my hometown

we had moved like we moved all the time and God knows why. But we moved out to this little trailer that was in the country outside of my hometown. And I didn't want to move out there in the first place because there's nothing to do and I don't fuck with it. And we moved out there and it was like, you were so far out there, like probably 15 minutes outside town. And then to get to my house, you went down a long gravel road and then you went up a driveway that was lined by trees. And then there was a little opening in the trees, but they surrounded it. And then there was like a double wide that we lived in.

Double wide in an opening of trees. And then there's like a, you know, those big gas tanks that sit in the yard. Yeah. Like a big propane, like a big gas tank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's just one of those. And then there's like the parking. So my mom's working overnights.

Okay? I haven't stayed out there alone in that house yet. We've been there maybe like a month, two months. That's spooky as fuck. It's spooky. And we don't know, I don't know who lived there before us or anything like that,

but I had always had an uneasy feeling out there and anytime my mom had worked overnight, up until then I'd had a friend stay over or something, but this night I just didn't have anybody so I had to stay there alone. I had just gotten off my job at the Applebee's so i have finished at the applebee's where i was a neighborhood expert i have returned to the double wide i'm in the home i'm going to

make myself i didn't want to have my shift meal because my manager joram was his real name was getting on my last nerve quite frankly i didn't want to have my shift meal. I said, Joram, it's fuck you forever. Yeah. I'm heading back to the double wide. I went back to the double wide, and I had some frozen Tyson any-tizers. Hey! Tyson any-tizers.

Give it up. Y'all are fucking it up. Give it up for Tyson. Y'all are fucking it up. So I went back to the double wide. I'm in there. I put some any-tizers on a bacon sheet, and I'm feeling uneasy. I feel like I'm in there. I put some anitizers on a baking sheet. And I'm feeling uneasy.

I feel like I'm like, there's something creepy about this night. I got like a movie on in the living room. And mind you, the living room is where the table is. The kitchen is where I am. Right? So the place is small. And I put the anitizers into the oven. I put it on 350.

And I'm just like kind of standing there. And I'm like, I may as well do these dishes real quick. Because I'm just like standing here. You know? I'm doing some dishes. And there's a window in front of me. And I'm doing the dishes. And I just keep feeling like I'm like I may as well do these dishes real quick because I'm just like standing here you know I'm doing some dishes and there's a window in front of me and I'm doing the dishes and I just keep feeling like I'm being watched and I'm like there is something

weird going on right now and then AH! You got one! You got one! Caleb scared one of the 30 people in this room One victim claim! One's all I need It proves to me that the 30 people in this room One victim claim One's all I need

It proves to me that the energy is in the room So my anitizers are in the oven Fucking hate you I'm doing dishes Hold on girls Land the plane I'm doing the plane No I'm on the edge of my seat

I want to hear I'm in the double wide My anitizers are in the oven I'm on the edge of my seat. I want to hear. I'm in the double wide. Any tizers are in the oven. I'm 15, mind you. Mind you, I'm 15. Be that as it may. Mind you, I'm a neighborhood expert. Right?

So I should, of all people, should be armed and safe. Yeah, right. But I am not. I'm in the double wide. I'm doing the dishes. And there's a window in front of the sink. So I'm doing the dishes and this is a completely 100 percent true story. I'm doing the dishes and I'm feeling like I'm being watched. My mom's not coming home until five, six a.m. Right. So I'm doing the dishes and I look out the window and I just I keep feeling this feeling of like, man, someone else is here. And I look by the big standalone gas tank in the yard. And right behind it is someone staring at me. A real human being staring at me directly in the eyes.

A face I don't recognize. I know everyone who lives around me. And you can see the person clearly? We are locked in eye contact. Oh my God. I am standing in the kitchen. We are locked in eye contact. And I'm looking directly at him.

And he's looking at me. I've never seen him before. No he had like kind of long hair and a little bit of a beard and he looked well say it with me scary as fuck yeah not just by the circumstances but also because mind you i'm 15 right yeah so i literally dropped to the floor crawl to the door lock it and i am like laying on the floor hyperventilating because i'm like, this guy's going to kill me. I get the phone out, and I call the police who I love. Historically speaking. Who do not

wrong. I call the police who do not wrong. Who can't do wrong. And I said, now I'm 15. I'm in the double wide. The anitizers are in the oven. Burning. Burning. Burning. I said, bring some with you when you come. And also bring a gun, because you guys might get to do one of your favorite things today. Your night's really turning around. I say, good news, boys.

We got one. And I'm cool with this one. Yeah. I say, hey, go nuts. Yeah. He's white and in my yard. Have a day. Make a moment. Hey, boys, light him up.'s white and in my yard. Have a day. Make a moment.

Hey, boys, light him up. You can't hurt him. I said, fire that lid. I call my friends down at the station, and I say, boys, I said, there's someone in my yard staring in my eyes through my window. Please get out of here.

And they go, okay, it's going to be a minute, but stay on the phone with us. And so I stay on the phone. They're like, what are you doing? I'm like freaking out on the floor. So it takes about 10 minutes for them to get out there. And they pull up and it's sirens, sirens. And I see the sirens through the window, but I don't want to step outside because I'm like, you know what happens in a horror movie is you run outside thinking you're safe.

You're talking to the cop and he's like, calm down, calm down. Arrow through his head. Something crazy like that, you know? Then all of a sudden it's you and the killer outside. So I'm staying in the house until there's some exploration done by the police officers. Now, go ahead and belch for me. Thank you. I tried to avoid the mic, but what happens happens.

No worries. Hating this on your neck, by the way. Chance has got the gr Gru nose around his neck. He's gone casual Fridays at work. Holy shit. The way it's horrifying. Chance, by the way, is not going to be on camera today. Yeah, Chance, holy shit.

He texted me the other day and said, would you mind if I dressed as Gru? You said, live your truth, queen. Put the Gru costume on. You're not coming on camera, but yeah, sure over there as grew yeah so i'm laying on the floor the cops have arrived you don't know how the sirens are and um i sit on the floor until i hear now i know the cop who came out i actually am friends with him his name his name is officer and we used to play basketball together at the y okay it's a smart when you're from somewhere like the way your life is a fucking movie sometimes you play basketball with officer at the y this is gonna fucking

season one of stranger things it's gonna happen and so he goes he goes caleb it's officer i go oh thank god dear click i open the door and he goes um he goes i've cleared the property there's no i can't see i walked all around the tree line there's no one here but there are footsteps back there so it was a real person horrifying and i was like uh okay well i'm can you wait for me i'm gonna like grab some stuff and can you take me to like my cousin's house because i need some you can't do this yeah and i had to live there for like like another like 10 months after that and you ever come back i don't know and i never stayed there alone again yeah i was so scared oh my fucking god that actually reminds me

when i first moved into my home like that i grew up in like went to high school and stuff and i when we first moved in my dad was working and my mom was at the house and my dad's brother just so happened to be there helping us move and my sister and i were probably like i was probably like 10 she's like 11 or 12 and um this guy like that lived in the cul-de-sac like right up like a few houses down he just walks in the house because you know like the garage is open the doors are open because we're moving shit in and out because we just moved he's like standing in the hallway and he's like hello like calling and my mom got scared as fuck and mind you my brother was just born so my he's like standing in the hallway and he's like, hello, like calling. And my mom got scared as fuck. And mind you, my brother was just born. So he's like on my mom's chest, like in a little baby Bjorn thing.

And my mom's like, can I fucking help you? Like he's just walks in the house. He's like, oh, like I was walking by. So I just moved in. And like I saw you have a dollhouse. Like, do you have daughters? Because I have a daughter and she might be around the same age and maybe they can hang out. And my mom's alone.

Like at the time my uncle was there, but he was like getting something. So she like called him and said, come back to the house because my dad was further. So my uncle came back and then he like would not leave. Like he really wanted to like get to know my family. And the little girl came into the room with me and Taze. And me and Taze are trying to play Bratz dolls and Barbies. And then there's a fucking foreigner in the room. So now we're like, well, now we can't and Taze are trying to play Bratz dolls and Barbies respect and then there's a fucking foreigner

in the room so now we're like well now we can't play the way we want to play yeah how did she get in here we close ranks

in this house but we're like we're playing with Barbies and we're like there's someone here right like I can't be myself when there's someone here

right and we're like do you want to play Barbies and she was a fucking freak and I say that with no love or unity well yeah clearly

I mean her dad's a freak but she was like she kept saying things like oh Bratz dolls are like sinful and mind you she's younger than me

so I'm like how do you know that word period she said they're schlutz yeah and she was she was saying she was like they're gonna burn in hell

like people who play with Barbies are gonna burn in hell and my sister my who play with Barbies are going to burn in hell. And my sister, my sister, obviously you know this. She gets so scared and so nervous about everything. Especially when she was younger. So, like, when she, and I'm getting irritated. Because I'm like, you're doing a lot of this and not a lot of this. We're supposed to be playing.

You're supposed to be doing more of this. Yeah, and then when she started getting more like lippy and shit yeah what I do with my Barbies and my time is no one's business is me and Jason's business

is not my neighbor's business you're in the writer's room yeah we were let me cook but she was like as she started being more weird

she started being rude like she was saying like weird rude shit and I was like okay we don't want to play anymore so you should go back out to your dad i literally kicked her out of the room because i didn't like her and then she left she was like whatever yeah she's like there's someone gay in this room it's not me it's stason and then she leaves and she was she was really rude and

weird and whatever and the dad was a big freak too. Fast forward. Fast forward like eight years later. I'm like a junior in high school, right? That family lived there that entire time, right? And something like there's, you know how like every neighborhood has one lady who's got way too much time on her hands. And obviously Caleb's that lady in his neighborhood.

But they know everything about everyone and like the the neighborhood gossip yeah and we had a lady like that and she gave my mom all the tea all the time like against my mom's will most times and so she was like oh my god did you hear about that family in the cul-de-sac and my mom was like no what happened was it was that guy his wife and then they were a nuclear family. So that little girl and a little boy. The guy found out that the wife was cheating on him. Right. And he was so angry. He like waited till she got home from work and he was like, oh, we should have dinner.

Kills her in that fucking house. Right. Like and when I say kills her, bitch, like I mean, for real, like he it was like horrifying. Right. Murdered her in that home. Like it was horrifying. Put her in the car, put the kids in the car drove it off a cliff and when I tell you that that girl's energy was so sinister to me like she like she had a very like obviously her it's her father's fault and he's a psycho but her like I was like she had such an ominous like energy about her that I did not like and I told y'all

my third eye yeah here's my third eye it's always wide open and so I had a really weird like feeling about her obviously Jason's afraid of everyone so she didn't like her but like Jason's one of those like a shelter dog and so you know she didn't yeah that's another funny joke I'll tell after this

and she had a weird energy about her and that's why I was like you need to leave like I told you need to get out of here and I'm glad I fucking did. Because who fucking knows? Like, if I, like, befriended her or something, if I looked past her weird and I ignored the ominous energy, who fucking knows? You're like, I told that girl who needed help to get out of my house. And take your freak dad with you. You say, I don't know what's going on in your house, but you better call someone who cares.

But she's weird. But she literally, like, she would, like, hurt animals and shit. Yeah. Like, she was one of those girls. So that's why I was like, no, no, no, no, no. You got something about you. Yeah. Take this white shit to your house.

Yeah. This is going on in y'all's house. This is anonymous. That I'm not involved in. No. Dude, imagine if you would have, like, been friends, been over to her house. That's what I'm saying. And the dad was a psycho freak and weirdo and horrible.

But yeah, isn't that horrifying? Anyways. Damn. What a vibe killer. I'll tell a funny story to lighten it. Imagine being the guy

that the mom cheated with, by the way. Just being like, that's fucking crazy. Damn. Damn, my bad. When your dick's so good, he blows.

No. Dick's so crazy, I ruined a family. No, for real. Dick's so crazy, it's a murder mystery one time someone asked me like how did you get like billy and dayson to like have their own relationship where they like get along and like can like exist without me like they can hang out without me and i was like well this is kind of like one of those cats in the parking lot where

you got to put feet in your hand and you're every're kind of like, and then you're like, okay, I'll leave this here. And then whoever wants it can come and take it. I was like, that's kind of how she is. Like straight men need to approach her carefully and with caution. Gingerly. Yeah. And I was like, and he just, it's like those vet videos where they laid down next to reactive dogs. Next to the pee pad with a blanket.

Like they lay like this next to reactive dogs. Like Billy just laid next to her long enough where she got comfortable. He had a little treat for her. Billy, every time he walks in the room, he's like, smell my hand. Billy had a sunny angel. Whoever wants this can take it if they would like.

I'm not playing with it right now. I don't need it at the moment. You play with it for now. What else we got in here anything good um oh well what uh what should you stop trick-or-treating honestly i enjoyed being like get transitioning to giving out candy yeah because i i play god at that door yeah if i can't tell what you are, you get no fucking candy.

Yeah, if you don't try. No costume, no candy. I love that. Sorry. That's why I'm like real like running at like the gates of heaven.

You know what I mean? Dude, we used to go, I remember Halloween was big for us because it was the only time we got treated right. Like in terms of candy, like we didn't get to just

get full candy bars any old time. Okay. So we would go to the rich neighborhood. Oh yeah. Our parents, all of our parents linked up and we're like, get in old time. So we would go to the rich neighborhood. All of our parents linked up and were like, get in the minivan. We are going to the rich neighborhood.

We used to go to rich neighborhoods too. Dude, we would fucking. And take pillowcases? It was military to us. We were fucking like every house, every rich neighborhood. Same. There were two. Same, same, same. And we were making the rounds.

Hell yeah. Same. And I remember my dumb fuck ass dentist gave out gum every year. And we always had to go to his stupid fucking door. Apple. I was like, bitch. Yes, I was like, nobody wants this fucking gum. And fuck my dentist, by the way.

Get real, bitch. Cheap ass. Cheap ass. Healthy ass. Fucking sugar-free gum. Are you nuts? Have you lost your goddamn mind? Yeah.

Put a Kit Kat in there. But even an Almond Joy. My dentist is so mean to me. your dentist is mean to you present day yeah but she's she's a real one though like she's done my my she's done my teeth she's worked on my teeth since i was like nine and like when i see her now she goes like when i started seeing her probably when i was like in my late teens early 20s like college i had to get my wisdom teeth out by her and she literally goes, yeah,

you really should have worn your retainers. Cause like, just like all of my work's just gone. And I'm like, Oh, okay. Thank you, Dr.

Lily. Thank you. I love that casually. Just like, yeah, you fucked up everything I've ever worked on, but yeah, I'll take your money.

And she literally would go like, your sister wears her retainers all the time. I don't know that bitch doesn't. She fucking doesn't. Selling dace out of the dentist. She has better genetics than me. That's literally all it is.

And I was like, and I didn't. She literally doesn't. She doesn't wear her retainer, bro. Me feeling competitive with the dentist. Drewing, yelling about your sister.

She's not good. Also, she's tripping because I used to have an underbite. Like, I used to have an underbite. I had a really bad underbite. My grill was far more jacked up than it is now. So she's tripping. I said,

you're tripping, Lily. Girl, you're tripping. Get her out of here. I like when I became an adult, though, and I could talk to her like an adult. That's beautiful. I'm like, Lily, you don't know what you're talking about, girl. The relationship with the dentist evolving over time is one of the most beautiful things about aging. About America. Yeah, about America. Thank you for putting your gloves back on, by the way.

Anytime. The sweat dried. Yeah, not me. I'm dripping sweat. Yeah, don't talk about this area or this area. Yeah, don't worry about what's going on right here. Yeah, right here is private. Don't worry about this for me.

My private Idaho. I know, I'm scared to raise my arms up because I bet it's soaked under there. Yeah, fuck it. I know I'm scared to raise my arms up because I bet it's soaked under there I would like to answer your original question with I think 16 is the cut off 16? I think if you're 16 and you really give it your all you dress up with your friends, you do a group costume 17, you're a junior in high school I don't want to see it

I also think too, it depends on how old you look because I looked 24 when I was 13 so my big ass shouldn't be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was. Don't get me wrong. I was there, and I was sweaty, and I didn't care. Yeah.

But a lot of times they were like, well, this is for kids. Sorry, Sugar. This is not a job fair. You should not be at my door. Don't come to my door. Go to LinkedIn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put your resume away.

No, for real. You don't need a full-size KitKat bar. You need Indeed.com. You need Monster. You need to apply For 300 jobs And not hear back From any of them Now

Do y'all's families Get into like The giving out The candy aspect Kind of Kind of not really My family loves Halloween But we were big like

Trick or treaters And then now They're big like candy people But they just hand it out Really Like you know Some people go on the driveway They have like a fire pit that's like that my family goes fucking balls and nuts on halloween i mean like my dad gets the smoke machine my nana

dresses up like a witch i mean paints her mom's scaring the kids she's like there's an energy behind you my mom's hexing little children um yeah we we go full full balls out and i used to in high school when i aged out of trick-or-treating i would resort to scaring children so my dad would be doing the smoke machine my mom would be you know like candy little girl and then i'd be behind the thing just help me your theater kid ass yeah i had to be the center of attention and so i would i would scare the fuck out of these little kids and it brought me so much joy you know what's funny is you say that and i actually worked in a haunted house like two years in a row for no money at all i just for the love of the game i found a lot of joy and just terrorizing

little children there's something very special yeah and like it was the one i worked in was with one of my friends i don't even remember how i got that job they just asked me if i wanted to do it and i said fuck yeah yeah i want to do that shit and again i look 24 even though i was like 15 what was your room what was the thing it was like a hospital like a haunted hospital love that yeah so i was like they did like scary makeup on me. It was very, the budget was $2 max. It was very bad. And I broke out like crazy after I put that Dollar Tree fucking paint on my face. Where you have to use that little white square, like you were talking about.

The little like paint pot. Yes, the theater kid sponge. For real. Dude, there's a, I know you playing the grandma on every production in high school. I know you saw that sponge once or twice. Did I have cystic acne because of it? Of course. Because we all shared it.

Right. I'm done with my makeup here. Use the same sponge. This one does. There's a haunted house in Kansas City that's in this like old big warehouse and you go up the, y'all know what I'm talking about. You've been to this. You go up the, okay, you start on the bottom level, and then you go up as you go through.

I hate that. And every floor is a different, like, crazy thing. Horrifying. And then at the end, truly. I'm like, the real fear is I might not make it out of this. So at the very top, there's a slide that goes on the outside of the building and takes you back down, and that's how most people get out. That's so fun. I went through the whole thing.

Well, not for me, because it's enclosed, and I don't like that shit. Oh, no, no, no. So I got to the top, and I got all the way through the haunted house and then I get to the slide. By the way, one of the rooms at the wall is closing on you. I'm sorry. I thought we were having a nice night. I thought we were having fun. That's actually scary.

Yeah. Then I get to the top and everyone starts to go down the slide and I go, hey, I know there's a staircase on the side. Can I just take that? And a really huge fat guy in like a gargoyle mask pops out of his job. I'm not talking to him. I'm talking to another person, like a person with a clipboard. A big, huge fat guy in a gargoyle costume pops out and takes his mask off and goes,

I've been down it, brother. You'll fit. You'll fit. And I was like, okay. I wasn't concerned about fitting. And I still want to take the steps. Thank you. Had nothing to do with my size

broke character and then I will say haunted houses people get a little a little free free balling with my weight yeah like there was a

really? there was a military room they're roasting you while they scare you boy there was doll doll

there was a you're a trans Harry there was um no there was a military room where there was a commander. His job was to yell at everybody. And everyone else... And that is scary. He was like, you don't have what it takes, maggot.

You're not strong enough to be in the army. And he got to me and he was like, you fat fuck. He's not even in character anymore. I was like... I was like, pardon? Oh my god. There's other fat people in here. Oh my god.

I'm not the only fat fuck in here. I'm the only one called fat fuck. Fat fuck? That's brutal. He's like, you're not strong enough to be in the army. You're never going to make it out. You fat fuck. I was like, yo.

Not too much on me, Sergeant. He said, move on when i was a kid i went to a christian carnival during trick or treating thank you you know what can i say something real quick please do trunk or treat grow the fuck up girl if your kids are gonna get razors in their apples or kidnapped you just gotta grow up trunk you know what trunk or treat is yes i do i hate it's sick they're ruining our culture they literally just go to a parking lot. A church parking lot. Yeah, a church parking lot. And they just like, it's almost

like tailgating. Oh, out of car trunk? Yeah, so they just like walk and It's like invite only. So it's like just people from your church. They're ruining. They're ruining our children. The sanctity. Halloween is not supposed to be about that. No, not at all. It's about running around. It's about this. It's about this.

I hate trunk or treat. It pisses me off. Me too. I talk shit on the trunk or treat till the cows come home, bitch. I have never heard of trunk or treat. Really? In Texas? It's a blasphemy.

I'm surprised by that. I know. I'm from California and they do it here all the time. Like the church things. I went to a church carnival. We went to one. Obviously, it's not Halloween. It's like, what the fuck do they call it?

Hallelujah night. That's what they call it instead of Halloween.'s like what the fuck do they call it Halloween night that's what they call it instead of Halloween that's what I was like days yeah they call it Halloween night I don't like that and we go

cause it's in the rich neighborhood and we're poor and everything's like free for the most part like the slides the Halloween slides and shit and all I wanted was to go on this slide

and Jason was so scared to be away from my mom obviously and I was like come on like I was trying to convince her to go with me and we go on the slide. And Dason was so scared to be away from my mom, obviously. And I was like, come on. Like, I was trying to convince her to go with me. And we go on the slide. I'm probably, like, at this point, I'm probably, like, six or seven.

But I remember this vividly because it was traumatic. And then we go to the top of the slide. Dason goes down. She's like, ha, ha, ha. Oh, it was so fun. I'm getting ready to go down. Perfect Dason, by the way. Yeah.

I'm getting ready to go down the slide, right? I'm like, oh, my God, this is the most exciting moment of my life. I've always wanted to go on one of these things. This is my first time ever going on one of those blow-up things. I'm getting ready to go down the slide, right? I'm like, oh my God, this is the most exciting moment of my life. I've always wanted to go on one of these things. This is my first time ever going on one of those blow up things. I'm sitting up there. I'm like scooting to the edge. And I'm like, my parents are at the end waiting for me. A teenage couple is behind me.

And they're like, when I say teenage, I mean like 18 or 19 years old. Like they're older. They're play fighting because they're like on a date. As I start to push they they fall over the edge they trample me the whole way down they crush me like a fucking cartoon character bitch like when they scoop bugs bunny off the street and he's flat bitch the whole when i say the whole way down i felt all of their belt buckles i I felt every single elbow, every single finger. And mind you,

the whole time they're laughing. They have no idea there's a body underneath them. They killed a child. They killed a small indigenous woman. And they're flirting and they're like, like giggling and laughing.

Stop. Trampling me the whole way down. My mom watches me. It's all like, like a fucking cartoon character. Bam, bam. Yeah, exactly. Fucking cat screech class break. my mom watches me it's all like like a fucking cartoon character bam yeah fucking cat screech class break

like a batman fight like you have piano keys that's why I said I'm straight and have like a tire mark on my face

like like they my I was like there's little birds flying around your head no dead ass I said my hair's all fucked up, there's little birds flying around your head. No, dead ass. I sit up, my hair's all fucked up, my costume's ripped.

I'm like, I literally couldn't breathe. My mom, my, okay. And by the way, you know my mom. Yep. Queen. My mom at one point was crazy. And that's okay. That's my girl.

So tread lightly. Right. And mind you, my mom at this point is crazy. And that's okay. That's my girl. So tread lightly. Right. And mind you, my mom at this point is like in her late 20s. And my mom would swing on anyone on site ever. She still will. She's just got a lot more like restraint now. Right. She jokes all the time.

She's like, if I didn't have your sister, I'd be in jail. My mom jokes about that all the time. She's like, I'd be in jail or I'd be dead. I'm like, okay. Perfect. That's light dinner talk. So anyway, yeah, we're at dinner. Yeah. We're at the Applebee's, all the time. She's like, I'd be in jail or I'd be dead. I'm like, okay, perfect. That's light dinner talk. So anyway, yeah, we're at dinner. Yeah.

We're at the Applebee's, by the way. And my mom went nuts. My mom was like, what are you doing? Screaming and yelling at them. She made both of them cry, man and woman. That'll do it. And then she's like, you guys are too fucking old to be on this fucking slide. And that was the first time I had ever heard my mom like cuss like that scream like that whatever and then my dad my dad picked me up and my dad took me uh

to get a goldfish you know they like do those little ping pong things and i'm all like yeah i want that one that's what i want that one's calling me that one's calling me yeah but then bright side to that i got attention all night so it really worked out i know you did i got attention all night. So it really worked out. I know you did. I got attention all night, and that's all I really needed. That night you learned a valuable lesson. That refilled my XP really quickly. Right. I didn't take any more physical damage after that.

Right. Leveled up, powered up, health up. I powered up. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Immunity medallion. Yeah. It was pretty traumatic, though. I have a question for you guys.

Please. Now, as you know, this episode is coming out on Halloween. Do you have... Do you guys have any advice for people going out and celebrating their Halloween tonight? If you come to my house, I will be putting razors in all the chocolate. Yeah, you do that all year round, though. Yeah, it's a fun little gag. I got hurt last time I came over. Yeah, trick or treat. Yeah, you do that all year round, though. It's a fun little gag. I got hurt last time I came over.

Yeah, trick or treat, trick. Yeah, but it's never a treat with you. All I have are knuckle sandwiches to pass out. So if you want to line up for that, that's on you. I'm just actually going to hand out chomps this year. Yeah. Well, then I'm coming. Don't play.

Don't play. I'll be there. You'll go broke. What was the question? Any advice for people on celebrating their Halloween tonight? How about commit to a great costume? I don't want to see sexy nurse with the fire fighter with your cock out. I want to see Bene Gesserit from Dune.

Yeah. I want to see Teletubbies. It's five friends. Y'all all go as different colors. Yes. I want to see some real creativity. Yeah. No concept costumes. No. Fuck you guys. some real creativity. Yeah. No concept costumes.

No. Fuck you guys. I saw someone talk shit on a concept costume. They're like, I am an espresso martini. Then I need to see you fucked up beyond belief. I want to see glass all over you. I want to see an olive. There's no olives in espresso martinis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sell me the dream. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to see you in a brown off the shoulder blouse. No, for real. From Shein. I don't want to see you in a brown off the shoulder blouse no for real from Shein I don't want to see it you know what's funny when I was in college my friends obviously whore face obviously I had a huge whore face

in college as God intended and when I did group costumes with my girls like every year I always told them I don't care if it's slutty I just want it to be creative I don't care if it's slutty we can be slutty to be creative. Exactly. I don't care if it's slutty. We can be slutty all we want.

I just want compliments. You're right. We might be whores, but tonight we're going to be art house whores. We're going to be creative. Creative whores, if you will. Like last year, I was American Gladiators with Dason and Billy. That was really hot, y'all. And I was like, no one's going to get this costume, but I don't give a fuck.

Hot. Because it was fun. Because it was fun, and I committed to the bit. Yeah. I love a niche costume. You look great. Something that's so specific. And then when you look it up, you're like, okay, tea. Yeah, exactly.

I love something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You also don't need a lot of money, I feel like, too, to get a really good costume. I mean, look at us. Hey. You couldn't tell. We look amazing, and this costs almost nothing. And we can tell.

And I'm feeling it. And the budget is clear. Now, it is fucked up for you to say that because I offered to have hair and makeup here to go authentic and you guys didn't want it.

That is true. I did say I was going for a more spirit Halloween vibe. I think we've achieved it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is a lot harder with the nose inside this thing. Yeah.

It is a lot harder to breathe. This has been fogged up for about 48 minutes. I can't see shit. What's your advice, Caleb? My advice for everyone celebrating their Halloween tonight, y'all, get out there, have some fun. If you're out with your crush tonight, make a move. Yes! Make a move on Halloween.

God, yes! It's the time, yeah. It's the night to make a move. Yeah. Tonight is the night to make a move. If you're not with your crush, call them. Text them. If you are with your crush, grab their hand at some point.

Turn to them and say, you looked so good during the apple bobbing competition. I would love to kiss you. What are they, Peanuts characters? Is it 1942? Y'all don't do that? You're going to say, you're going to turn to me and say,

I love when you won the pumpkin carving competition. Oh my God. Can I give you a kiss? And give him a kiss. And give him a kiss. Make a move on your crush tonight. Have some candy, but not too much. No need to have an upset tummy.

Have some fun. Also, I will add to that. If you're a couple and you're doing a couple's costume, now's not the night to fight. Because it's embarrassing. Nobody wants to see Tina and Bob Belcher arguing. There's no dignity in a fight tonight. And then if you are mad, just be like, I need to remember to fight with him about that tomorrow. November 1.

Yeah, November 1. 12 midnight on the dot. First of the month, bring up the conflict. Exactly. Until then, let it be fun. Exactly. I love that. Y'all got a segment for you. Alright. Let's hear it. Okay, this is a spooky true or false. Okay. Are we on a team? Yes, you can tag team it.

And now here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna read 15 statements to you. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can tag team it And now here's what's going to happen I'm going to read 15 statements to you You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false Caleb loves a fucking game They're spooky themed If you guys Now we're going to up it You guys got to get 12 or more correct

If you get 12 or more correct I'm going to buy y'all's chilies tonight Period You're buying regardless As if it isn't a fucking fight to the death 12 or more correct, I'm going to buy y'all's chilies tonight. Okay, T. Period. You're buying regardless. Right. As if it isn't a fucking fight to the death between us. That's true. That is actually T.

Hold on. Let me lock in. Lock in and synergize. Texas is the biggest candy producer in the United States. False. It's California. Four out of ten Americans believe that ghosts and other supernatural entities exist. True. Willa Smith was born on Halloween. False. It's California. Four out of ten Americans believe that ghosts and other supernatural entities exist. True.

True. True. Willa Smith was born on Halloween. True. True. Yes. Pumpkins or vegetables? True.

False. What's your final answer? Hold on. They have a seed. Pumpkins have seeds. Pumpkins have seeds. Yeah. Pumpkins have seeds.

Sorry, that would be fruit. Do you eat? False. They are fruits. Yes. Harry Houdini died on Halloween. I'll do yours here. True.

Candy corn was invented in 1945. True. False. 1888. John Cena was the most popular Halloween costume in 2023. True? What? No, no. 2023? No. That must have been Tiger king or some bullshit like that

2023 that's 2020 girl what's your answer i'd say false i say false false it was barbie over t over 8 000 people die every day in the united states i feel like that's way too low false False. Yeah, that's too low. That's too low. False. True. What? The world's heaviest pumpkin weighed in at 2,749 pounds.

Yeah, that's for sure true. True. Me and the pumpkin both. That makes two of us. Yeah, same, sister. Carmelophobia is the fear of candy. Carmelophobia? I feel like that's not real.

No. False. True. False. True. There are 13 films in the Halloween franchise. True. True. The Ring is the scariest movie of all time, according to science. The Ring.

Is that where she crawls out of the TV? Yeah. Is that where you're going to die in seven days? Yeah. That she's got the black hair? Yeah. So you seem to know the movie, yeah. I feel like she's... Yeah, you got it, girl. You got it. I in seven days? Yeah. She's got the black hair? Yeah. So you seem to know the movie, yeah. I feel like she's...

Yeah, you got it, girl. You got it. True, true. False. It's sinister. Jimmy Carter is still alive. True. True.

True, but we should be checking that one by the minute. This might not be true. If this was written earlier today, let's just do a Google. Yeah. It is illegal to dress as a nun or priest for Halloween in Alabama. False. False. True. Are you for real?

I should have guessed. Yes, it's Alabama, y'all. Halloween was originally called Satan Day. False. False. False. All Hallows Eve. How'd they do?

Oh. Y'all are buying chilies. Are we the stupidest idiots to ever be on a show? You make the question so fucking hard. No, not ever. Can I ask you a question? I had Trixie on. I was going to ask.

Hey, and from all of us, a happy Halloween. Woo. That was a Hate Gum podcast.