So True with Caleb Hearon - Brittany Broski Loves The Irish

Episode Date: February 29, 2024

Thanks for stoppin' by, y'all! Today's guest is the hilarious and talented Brittany Broski! Brittany and Caleb talk about their love lives, country music, their ideal chicken wing orders, and so much more! Join our Patreon for exclusive bonus content! https://patreon.com/SoTruePodcast?utm_medium=unknown&utm_source=join_link&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=copyLink See Caleb Live on Tour! https://calebhearon.komi.io/ Follow Brittany! @brittany_broski Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Follow the show! @sooootruepod Subscribe to our YouTube channel! https://youtube.com/@sooootruepod?si=9CEHI2Dmtab3viHG See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm actually just waiting until I have like 100k. I want to do just a surgery day. I want to do like lobotomy, gastric sleeve, veneers. Hair plugs. Hair plugs. I just want to go under and then when I come up I want to be like, okay. Who wants? I love life.

Who wants me? Yeah, who wants it? Who wants me? I just had 24 hours of surgery. I've been under the knife. I've been under the knife. Who want me? So yeah, I do think it's true.

I think everybody in the world wants to be a comedian. Everyone, every, like, dork at their office who gets a laugh off is like, I could do stand-up. I could do a tight five. Yeah. Right now. And I will. And then every comedian, including me, is like, ooh. Yeah.

No, us literally right before, like, okay, and the harmony is? I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. It's on the one end. And join me immediately now. Brittany'm here. I'm here. It's on the one end. Join me immediately now. Brittany now. Hey, why don't you have a man?

Goddamn. What are you doing later? That's the real question. We went to dinner the other night, me and you. Yeah, we did. And what'd I say to you when you showed up? I show up up imagine this um picture this i think someone call it uh frumpy is the word that would be described i was in a camo pullover greasy this these same pants haven't washed them by the way so i got a week ago

and uh he goes oh i see you got into glam for me and we went and terrorized that Thai restaurant. Oh, just absolutely banned. We really tore it up in there. And you're lucky I didn't touch that bathroom because I would have tore it up even worse. They tried to move us to a bigger table. They started bringing out the plates and the poor guy's like I don't, you fatties

ordered so much food. I can't put it on the fucking table. He goes, he calls back to the kitchen. Alright, they're here. They're here. Call in Jeff. I know he has the night off. Call him, all right, he calls back to the kitchen. All right, they're here. They're here. Call in Jeff. I know he has the night off. Call him in. Oh, please get him in here.

Get Jeff in the kitchen. Guy who works at a Thai restaurant named Jeff. Tyler. That's my new idea. That's my new idea. This is a guy who works in the back of a house at a Thai restaurant named Jeff. On Sunset Boulevard. What's the character?

Jeff. Jeff. What about him? He's just Jeff. He's just Jeff. Yeah, this is my impression of Jeff. Oh, the character? Jeff. Oh. Jeff. What about him? He's just Jeff. He's just Jeff. Yeah, this is my impression of Jeff. Oh, yeah, no worries, guys. Yeah.

He's just cooking back there. He takes a cigarette smoke break every 15 minutes. All right, let's do it. He's ready to cook. Do you smell that smell? Are you a cigarette smoker? Have you ever? Never have been.

Never have I ever. Never have I ever. Smoked a Marlboro Red. I had a phase where I was like, I think this is how I want to go out. And I would only smoke them when I was drinking. And this was like, I mean, what am I? I sound like I'm 48 years

old. I only smoke them when I'm drinking. She only smokes when she drinks. She only drinks now and then. You know it, Joe Nichols? You don't know that one? I acted like I did. I sang along. Y'all know it? I'm so sorry to disappoint. She only smokes when she drinks.

She only drinks now and then. Now and then when she's tired of being let down by men. You can get hurt. This song, you gotta listen to this song sometime. Go ahead and feed it to me one more time. I'm adding it to my Spotify. I think it's called She Only Smokes When She Drinks, and it's by Joe Nichols. Of course, you know Joe Nichols.

Well, he's coming on later. Yeah, you know Joe Nichols. Yeah, yeah. Joe's gonna be on the pod. Yeah. Tequila makes your clothes fall off. Oh, of course. Joe Nichols. Of course, you know Joe Nichols. Well, he's coming on later. Yeah, you know Joe Nichols. Joe's going to be on the pod. Yeah. Tequila makes your clothes fall off. Oh, of course. Joe Nichols, of course. Tequila makes your clothes fall off.

Come on. Yeehaw! It's a hootenanny in here. And who said two white people can't get together? I love you. I love you. Girl, I love you. I love you.

And I love that you gave me a Kim Cade when I got here, too. You know we gotta bleep that. Who would you be in Sopranos? Have never seen it. Bobby Bakula. I've never seen it. Bobby Althoff. So where's my money?

Okay, POV, you're actually Drake. I'm Bobby Althoff. Okay. Okay, go ahead go ahead so what do you do and scene scene scene you met beyonce thank you guys so much for listening there is so much more So True Podcast over on our Patreon. Our subscribers over there get a bonus episode from me every month, which you can give topics for. They also get to leave voicemails for the show

and see bonus clips from every episode with every guest. So go over there and subscribe, please. Also, if you haven't already, subscribe to our YouTube, like the videos, share them with friends. You know, just proselytize. Get out there and get some new congregants. Get some new truth for us review on spotify review on apple only if you have good things to say and all that also you guys please come see me live are you freaking kidding i'm going to uh at the end of march into april even into may i'm going to new york city washington

dc philadelphia chicago nashville san francisco los angeles again houston texas fort worth texas dallas texas and Angeles once, once, once more Thank you so much and back to the episode You can actually sing You're a singer And I'm talking about it So here's my trajectory with you I saw you online and I said

I don't like this girl That's the natural instinct response I said she's too funny, she's too funny. She's too cute. I'm too interested. My tight little body. Right? I said, if I see her in a bowl of tea,

I'm going to eat those strings like spaghetti. I'm going to get into it. And you and I have that kind of sexual relationship. We do. We don't talk about it a lot because it is very private. It's very private and it's disturbing what we do. And then I opened up the TikTok application one day and I do that every couple months

and I got on there and I saw you singing on TikTok. Wow. And I said, how about I kill this bitch? Yeah. Because the audacity for you to open up your mouth and sing well on top of also being funny and cool, it doesn't sit right with me. What's stopping you from killing me? The law. Yeah. The clicks you're going to get on this video. What's stopping you from killing me? The law. Yeah.

The clicks you're going to get on this video. What's stopping me from killing you is nothing. Subscribe. Taking care of business with Brittany Broski. Yeah, we finally in Brittany Broski. Yep. I do a trick shot. That's crazy. I do a trick shot.

No, but here's something that I want to talk to you about. Go ahead. We are both somehow defying all logic against everything that the universe would tell us should be true. Yes. You and I are sitting here as two single people. Oh, my God. What? I don't know.

I told my friend CG today. CG, shout out. I told my friend CG today. I was like, I always want a man. That's always kind of in the background of my life. That's your sort of like natural state, I was like, I always want a man. That's always kind of in the background of my life. That's your sort of like natural state of being. Yeah, I just want a man. I want a man. I need a man. Today,

I was at my friend's house this morning chatting with her and her partner who I love, and they were just being so cute together, making each other breakfast, chit-chatting, playing with the dog. Disgusting. Don't do that shit in front of me. I left their house. I left their house. I left their house. I'm behind the wheel of the car, and I'm vibrating with anger.

I'm like, I have nothing. Why nothing? I'm like, they can't have that. I'm like, I can't believe it. I have nothing. I need a man. Oh, you ever hang out with a married couple? Yes.

Actually, I'll qualify that with a married couple that likes each other. Thank you. Yeah, because usually married couples do hate each other. Viscerally. A lot of married couples are not having a good time with it. I have a couple of couple friends that are just like,

they're so perfect for each other that every time I'm with them, I'm like, y'all need to leave. Yeah. They love each other. Yeah. You know? And I don't know if this speaks

to a sort of childhood trauma, but I'm much more comfortable when couples fight in front of me than like, oh, baby, you shouldn't have done oh baby get that shit out of my fucking face that's annoying that is annoying yeah i don't like it why do you think um honestly to your core you are single people can't handle it they can't handle i'm single it's me i'll start there i'll start and tell you right now because i i have i i date a lot yeah and i've never gone to a serious place with it and it's for a lot of reasons my parents fucked

me up both of them in different ways and it's mostly their fault i have very little to do with it uh yeah i think i just struggle to like i struggle to like get there with somebody there's always just some like i there's so many things I need. You know what I mean? Yeah. You need, my friends need to love you. My aunt needs to love you. You need to be fun at parties, but not obnoxious.

You know what I'm saying? Like there's just so much that I need that I, I'm, I'm, I'm creating an impossible person in my head. Oh, I'm a victim of the same mentality. I think I'm always like, I want a champion. I want someone to be my number one fan. But I also want to support them. Men are threatened.

Yeah. They really are. And I'm not, and the one, of course, man, that I found that like had a stable job was like a tech guy, but not the like cringy tech guy.

He was like winner's circle, made his own money, had his own hobbies, supported me. Situationship. Yeah, situationship. You know, have you heard about

the taxicab theory? What is this? Taxicab theory is going to be when a straight man, the difference between a straight man and a straight woman is when a woman meets a person, they're like, Oh, I think that you're the right person. And so I'll start to sort of adjust my lifestyle to be with that person.

Yeah. A straight man, it could be the right person, but if he's not ready to settle down, he's not ready and he'll let you go. The taxi cab theory is that, you theory is that when a taxi puts available, it's the first woman that he meets when he's decided he's ready to date. Yeah. And that's very kind of what I deal with.

Like I've been told that I'm too good for people. I'm sure you might have been told the same thing that people are just like intimidated or like you're too funny or too smart. What the fuck are you supposed to do with that? Let's be less funny and less smart. Right, and I will dull myself. Yo, I'm about to dull myself in a big way. Lobotomy? Lobotomy sisters.

We can actually do a double bot. Let's get a double bot. I want to do, I'm actually just waiting until I have like 100K. I want to do just a surgery day. I want to do like lobotomy, gastric sleeve, veneers. Hair plugs.

Hair plugs. I just want to go under. And then when I come up, I want to be like,otomy, gastric sleeve, veneers. Hair plugs. Hair plugs. I just want to go under. And then when I come up, I want to be like, okay. I love life. Who wants me? Yeah, who wants it? Who wants me? I just had 24 hours of surgery.

I've been under the knife. I've been under the knife. Who want me? That's what I'm looking for. When we both get top surgery and then we go through the healing process. I'm not getting rid of my tits, but you can get rid of yours. I'll give you my tits. These girls are here to stay.

These girls make the money. These are the money makers. I think that... What are you listening to lately? Oh my God, let me go ahead and pull this up. You want the short answer? Key Glock. Key Glock?

Okay, that's number one. We know about Key Glock, anybody? We know about Key Glock, anybody? Make some noise. I don't know Key Glock. Yeah, and I didn't before last week either. Now, he has a song that really speaks to me in a spiritual way that says, I would never put a bitch before my money.

I would never put a bitch before my money on my mummy. Period. I heard that and I said, this is what, it's equivalent to what Hillsong United used to do for me. Yes. Yes. I'm feeling built up right now. I would never put a bitch before my mom. I'm going down to the altar.

This is one of those things. I got a coffee shop from the Christian coffee shop in the church in this hand, and this one's doing this guy right here. Absolutely. I'm worshiping. And you're wearing a long sleeve Henley with a puffer vest. Believe it. Yep.

Next question. Could you ever see, well, you do the pastor bit. You do the pastor bit. I have done the pastor bit. Yeah. I was going to question. Could you ever see, well, you do the pastor bit. You do the, I have done the pastor bit. Yeah. I was going to say, could you ever see? Yes,

you can. I can. What have you been listening to? God, we just come to you today. I have been listening to, um, new Waxahachie.

You heard any of this yet? Waxahachie, two new singles out, record on the way. Love. Um, by the time this episode comes out, record might be out.

I'm not sure. What did you put on your story yesterday that I liked it oh my god oh and it was what was it I said the girls need to get back to country music like this go ahead and pull it up it was um something's gotta give

something's gotta give me butterflies something's gotta make me feel alright that was an era of women in country music when we were being serious it was Leigh-Anne Rimes and alternatively confused Leigh-Anne Womack feel alright. That was an era of women in country music when we were being serious. And it was Leigh-Anne Rimes and alternatively confused Leigh-Anne Womack. Thank you, Leigh-Anne Womack. Thank you. Thank you,

Leigh-Anne Womack. I hope you dance, girl. I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean. I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean. Someone sang that at my mom's nursing school graduation in rural Missouri. That's a choice. And it was crazy. Was it good? No.

You know what? It was very spirited. Impassioned. But I want you to imagine a bunch of rednecks, because it's a rural Missouri nursing school graduation. Got it. A bunch of rednecks sitting in a community college auditorium, and then one of the graduates takes the mic and goes,

I hope you like she's like and she's giving it yes now she's not taking it but she's giving it and she and she really went for it and those graduates there were tears falling oh I imagine and you know the way a southern person the way a southern person sings when they're

like they really think they're taking it? Yes. They're like, and you still feel small when you stand beside me. Okay, sing, by the way. But they're like, but it's not, you know what I mean? That was the bit of who the fuck does that? Krish does that bit where he's like,

singers when they want you to know they can sing. I don't know, it's like this. But you know what I'm saying. Absolutely. Well, and this is another thing. When they get into it, one of these. When they throw this one back here. Yeah, you give a little parabola arm, it's over.

When they start giving algebra arm. They're giving you X, Y, axis. Yeah, why are you doing this? Yeah, you don't have any in-ears. Yeah, what's this accomplishing? You don't have an in-ear. You don't have an in-ear, babe. You're singing into a cordless mic in an auditorium.

On. This is the First Baptist Church. On. On. Who do you, okay. Wait, voicemails. We need voicemails. Do we have to?

Yes, get the voicemails in here. And just, we'll cut this part. What is your problem? Well, you know we got listeners from voicemails. We asked them, what's something you want to know the truth about? Okay. Then we're going to see what they're up to. I didn't realize we were doing truth teller section right now.

Oh, we're doing truth teller section. We're doing... Recount the votes! Recount them. All right, John, give it to us. Recount the votes. Recount them. All right, John, give it to us.

Caleb, we want to know the truth about where you were on January 6th. And I've been asking this for a while. That was it? Okay. What do you think? Where you were at January 6th? Where was I January 6th? I think you were under Nancy Pelosi's desk. Sucking it.

Sucking what? Anything. Sucking something. Sucking what? Anything. Sucking something. Something. I'll tell you all the truth about January 6th. Brittany and I were at the Capitol. Okay. You got involved.

Now she got, now she got tackled on the front lawn of the White House. I did. I was scaling the wall. I was in, I was in Nancy Pelosi's office. I was, I was taking staplers.

I was touching documents and I was chasing Missouri Senator Josh Hawley through the chambers. Yes. Now do I regret it? No, absolutely not. Would I do it differently knowing now what I should have known then? No. Do,

but do I think that it was bad for democracy? No. Now that having all been said, do I hope it never happens again? No. I'm looking forward to the next one. Yeah, the next one's about to be a hoot and a holler. I heard we got canes to cater.

We got... We got raisin canes. Me and Brittany are bringing in some Terry Blacks. With those Chico cups, the nice reusable cups. Me and Brittany are bringing Terry Blacks to the next insurrection. We're bringing some smoked meats. We're bringing smoked meats to the insurrection. I just know it was...

Here's what I'll say. Do I support the insurrection? Of course not. Of course not. Do I think there was a part of it that was probably a lot of fun? Definitely. Yes, of course. You can see the pure joy on some of their faces.

I mean, the face paint, the Viking hat. Yeah, it looks like a damn blast. Yeah, it looks like a party. They're having flags. They think they're changing the world that day. Yeah. They think they're part of history, and in many ways they were.

In many ways they were, but not in the ways that count or matter. No. In any way. Well, they were changing history in that their families are without them now because they're in prison. Because they are actually going to be rotting.

They are actually in federal prison. Was it worth it? Yeah. Oh, they were changing history in that their families are without them now because they're in prison. Because they are actually going to be rotting. They are actually in federal prison. Was it worth it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sometimes the bit, you got to sacrifice your freedom for the bit. I think the ultimate example of committing to the bit was the January 6th insurrection. I think they said, what if we shut down the government over this? And then they did it.

And hilarious, by the way. Hilarious. Nailed it. Nailed it. Well, you actually voted for Trump, but let's get that other voicemail up. Twice. She did that twice. Twice.

Let's get that other voicemail cooking. Let's go for three. Oh, sorry. All right. What do we got here? Okay. Hello. I love everything you do, but it's unimportant.

I want to know the truth about bisexual women and why they are the way that they are. Where do they get off? What is their motive? What train stop do they get off at? My friends tell me to stop vilifying them, but they need to stop being the villain in my life. So, yeah. Bye. Not this very damaged young woman.

What the fuck is wrong with... Well, here's the thing about bisexual women. Go ahead and tell us. Go on, queen. But go ahead. Tell them. Tell them, queen. Bisexual women, I have the utmost respect for.

I think them and their boyfriends... I think they're beautiful. I think their love is beautiful. I think bisexual women and their boyfriends... Them and their wolf cuts. Yeah. I think their love is beautiful. I think bisexual women and their boyfriends, which they all have. And their wolf cuts. Yeah. I think, okay, girl.

Get it. Yes, wear that outfit. You know? I think, why not? I think them and their boyfriends seem very happy. Yeah. What else to say? Not much.

What do you think about the queer community? I feel very uncomfortable around the queer community. It's very difficult to be in the same room as some of them. Which segment specifically? All. All, okay. C, all of the above. Damn, that's tough.

Yeah, it is tough. Even A, even asexuals? They're the worst. Maybe most of all. Maybe most of all. No! Y'all are loved. What do you mean you don't want me?

Yeah. In any way? That is tough for me. It is. Anybody who doesn't want me, I'm like, you're a sexuality that should be marginalized. Any person that doesn't want me should not be able to vote. Like straight men, I go, you should be marginalized. Yes.

Unless you're going to make exceptions for me. Yes. And then marginalization is on its way. Oh, thank God. March in the marginalization. Change is happening. Change is coming. And we can have all this and more if you just get to the ballots.

Get to the voting booths, y'all. Get to the voting booths. Rand Paul, right in. Right in, Rand. Do you know what I'll say? You and I as a ticket would kill. Oh, my God. We'd get at least 3,000.

Who was that? Who was that? Girl, we'd get at least five. Okay. Yeah, five. Across Texas and Missouri, I think we could do something. We could do some damage. Who was that woman governor of Texas that was so iconic?

Do you know who I'm talking about? Woman governor. She was an old woman governor of Texas. Margaret Thatcher. Yes! Yes, the Iron Lady. The Iron Lady. Do you know who I'm talking about? When? She was an iconic old woman. Dorothy Ann Richards.

Do you know her? No, I'm not as old as you are, so I'm really, you know, like, my cultural literacy kind of ends at a certain point. Yeah, you're quite a bit younger than me. Your literacy in general is less than mine. Can't read? You have a tough time reading. I do.

Yeah. I've been trying to figure out what your shirt says for the last 30 minutes. You love this shirt. I do. I want it. You love Buffalo Wild Wings. Well, and if we want to get to my so true confession. I want to get to your so true, but I want to talk about

Dorothy Ann Richards first. Please tell me everything you know. She was a lady governor of Texas. She was a Democrat. Period. And she was, I'm like, I'm forgetting all the iconic things she said, but she would just go off on Republicans. She'd be like, let me get this straight. You want to tell a woman she don't have a right to choose what goes on with her

body? Keep dreaming, mister. Like, she was like, And where is she now? I believe she has passed but but during her life she was very powerful and beautiful i am missing her today you need to study up on her i would like to see a tiktok boxing match between her and greg abbott greg well i think she'd have the upper hand. She would. Just based on... I mean, we could go chair for chair. We could evil even the playing field. Brittany. What's going on? It's a chair match. Talk to me. What's up? What's up? What? Go ahead.

Go ahead. Tell me what I did wrong. What's wrong? He's a fucking evil man. I don't give a shit. I can't reference some things. I can't speak the truth. I can't reference some things. I thought we were doing truth teller section right now. Oh my God. Okay, Brittany, what is something that's so true to you, girl? Go ahead. The way you said that was so self-loathing.

Go ahead, hit it. What is something that's so true? Yeah, I guess Brittany, do my podcast. Okay. What is so true is that Hooters has nothing on Buffalo Wild Wings. Wow. And of course the shirt did kind of make me solidify this opinion. Buffalo Wild Wings, B-dubs if you will, is something very, very integral to the lore of me and mine.

Yeah. I love Buffalo Wild Wings. It has the best flavors. It's way better than, what's the other one? Wingstop. Wingstop. That's it. It's a hot than, what's the other one? Wingstop. Wingstop. That's it. It's a hot take. Wingstop doesn't have what it takes. Wingstop, they do these like mukbangs, mukbangs on TikTok where people will get a cup. I'm not joking.

This size or like a to-go cup of the Wingstop Ranch. Dunk the tender in it. You can't taste the flavor when you do that shit. And you're about to piss me off when you do that shit, too. They do that with canes, too. They'll get a whole thing of cane sauce. You don't need that much fucking cane sauce. The beauty is you get one little, you know, you're with your finger. It's like mortality.

It's like mortality. The beauty is that the cup runs out. Exactly. You think Dracula is happy being immortal? No, but he wants to kill himself and he can't. He wants to die, just like Age of Adaline. Wingstop is not that girly. She doesn't have the range. Wingstop does not have the range, and I just am a B-dubs girl till I die. B-dubs, go ahead and tell me right now

your order. We're going to do Asian Zing Boneless. Thank you. All the way? Are you doing full Asian Zing Boneless? How many pieces? Tell the truth. Well, before my diet, I would say we're doing 12 piece. Now we're going to do six.

We're going to do six. And then I'm going to leave and be hungry. Yeah. Okay? So you can come back later that night. You can do lunch and dinner at B-Dub's. And then their fries, good. Good.

But I'm going to do celery and carrots. Thank you. Because guess what? Healthy. Because guess what, queen of health. Inventor of dieting. It takes a lot to look like this. Yes, it does.

And you look beautiful. Thank you so much. If I'm at Buffalo Wild Wings, I'm going with whatever, like a large bone-in wing. Okay, and it depends on the day. Yes, and I'm doing three flavors. Okay, I'm hitting you with Asian Zing. I'm hitting you with Spicy Garlic. Are you a lemon pepper girl?

I'm not a lemon pepper girl. I will do it, but it's never in my top five. And then I'm going to hit you with Parmesan garlic. Okay. Yeah. I see that for you. You got a mild. You got a spicy.

And then you got... Asian thing is spicy, but it's in its own class. It's so good. It's a different spice. It's a different type of spice. And also, sometimes it's like a pregnancy craving. Not pregnant. Of buffalo.

I just want that buffalo sauce. I went through a kick recently where I would buy a full rotisserie chicken Just dunk it in that Frank's Red Hot Just midnight over the sink in my house Because guess what, I'm an adult You're real as fuck You're one of the most American people I've ever encountered You got real American values No, no, no

No girl, you got American values You got real American values on you I love that about you. You're red-blooded. I'm red-blooded. You are. You should see the way I act at a barbecue restaurant. I'm scared.

There's two places that I don't have politics. One of them is at any barbecue restaurant in the South. Yes. I got no politics there. And then the second is when I'm sitting in an AMC signature recliner with a Mr. Pibb. There are two places. Mr. Pibb! Oh, can we have Pibb on the podcast? Yes! Holy shit, Mr. Pibb. There are two places. Mr. Pibb! Oh, can we have Pibb

on the podcast? Yes! Holy shit, Mr. Pibb. There are two places that I don't have politics and those are them. I think those should be like the equivalent

of in South Korea, North Korea, the DMZ, demilitarized zone. Yes. AMC, select. Everybody's welcome. Nobody talks about

anything political. Guys, can we just like not talk about this right now? Yes. Nicole Kidman's gonna do her poem. She is gonna. Theater. Theater. Because we just not talk about this right now? Nicole Kidman's gonna do her poem. She is gonna. Theater. Theater.

Because we need that. Her poem. Somehow. I can't do it. I'm starting to act like this. Hot break feels good in a place like this. Yeah.

Not how she sounds. It's okay. Close. No worries. It's no worries. I'm not worried about it. Can I talk to you off mic for a second?

What the fuck? God, you're a perfect Nicole Kidman. That bit Drew does of that shit you pulled back there. I don't want to see it. CG says, CG, will you show us that again? She says, 30 minute mark.

Y'all are so funny. Y'all are so funny. Typed on a Microsoft Word document. I'm going to freak out. What is, okay, I'm going to say something about you. What do you want to know? I'm going to say something about you that a lot of people may not know. You are my close personal friend in real life, despite the way we act. Yes.

Okay? And by the way, I fall into my uncle's accent when I talk to you. Any other time, when I'm talking to anyone else in the world, I talk like this. Right? When I'm talking to you, I'm like, now let me tell you something, Marlon. I have to tell you something real quick. I can't stop. Yeah. That makes me feel feel good you're full of controversial

opinion what is your what is your what are you the way you think your hottest take is what's the hill you'll die on Oh Lord well I think we've talked about this a little bit before of some Christian music's really fucking good. Schlaps. Really good. Schlaps. Savior, he can move all mountains. Don't remember the rest.

Fuck! I do remember, lead me to the cross where your love poured out. Damn! They did it. They did it. I'm trying to think a controversial opinion that I'd be willing to share. Well, that's the thing is you got to be willing to share. Yeah. We're putting this out.

This is going on God's internet. This is going on God's internet. I'm trying to think of one that I have. What is a controversial? What is a man you find attractive? That's not conventionally attractive. Patrick Mahomes. He's not conventionally attractive.

Is he? I think he is. Patrick Mahomes. He's not conventionally attractive? Is he? I think he is. Okay. Fuck. I get made fun of for it because he sounds like a frog. Okay, yeah. I mean, I guess I do see that.

It's giving a little Kermie. It's giving a little Kermie. Yeah. A man that I'm attracted to that most people aren't attracted to. Something fucked up like a Benedict Cumberbatch or an Adam Driver or something.

You're not going to find a lot of interesting stuff with me on this one. Because my taste in men is like what people in marketing are counting on. You know what I mean? Like, when I see a man that I think is attractive, everyone's like, yeah, he was, that's, yeah.

Yeah. And when people try to tell me like, I don't know, I think there's something going on with Steve Buscemi, I'm like, die. I'm like, no, there's like, no, there's not. No, there's not. Something going on. They're like, I don't know.

Ooh, they're like, ooh. There's a little flavor on Steve Buscemi. I'm like, for me, it's Odell Beckham Jr. You know, it's just like hot guys. Yeah, give me a hot man. Braindead, yes. Sure. You love a braindead man.

I do. I don't need my man to think. I do, unfortunately. It's why i want you so bad and you just reject me every time i come here it sucks that you said you want me because i think i want you to want me for my body and i don't objectify me i do i will always hell baby without fail why do i want you that's a tough one can we take a break I don't know yeah let's cut this is kind of embarrassing

I want you for a million reasons you and I actually soul twins separated at birth I was already a fan but then when we actually started becoming pals every third thing you say I I'm like, deep from within my soul.

It really scares me sometimes. Every song you share, every phrase you say. Every breath you take. Every breath you take. I'll be watching you. There's something going on here. There is. And the first time that I was like, okay, this is getting a little weird was however many months ago, maybe a year ago, when I posted that Flatland Cavalry song, and you swiped up and you said,

and what do you know about this? Yeah. In a life where we work out. In a life where we work out. There's a house up on a hill. Yeah, and when we duet that, then what? I'm going to cry. I'm going to freak out because that's our song.

I'm going to cry because that's our song. We do need to duet that. We do. What's the nearest karaoke bar that's open song. We do need to duet that. We do. What's the nearest karaoke bar that's open right now? How far are we from Koreatown? Let's go. No, when you swiped up on that, I was like, I have never in my life, especially, and let me get real for a second. Out here, it's very easy to feel alone.

Yes. Because a lot of these people are soul-sucking vampires who want something from you. And it's not the way to form genuine human connection. And if you are around that for too long, it is really like wearing on your soul. I've been so fortunate to find people like you and other Southern transplants, to be honest, who really like lock into that. There's a little community out here, you know, if people from the South kind of stick together. It's not just people from the South. It's liberal people who escaped

the South in a certain extent, in a certain sense. And so I feel very fortunate that I've got a beautiful friend group out here. I know you feel the same. Well, you've got friends in every fucking city on Earth. Even Roku City. Stop it. Which we were talking about earlier. Oh, I'm connected in Roku City. Roku City? Shit's going down. If you need something in Roku City, I know a guy.

Specifically a guy. They're very strict about gender over there. Yes. Roku City is very essentialist. Very binary. Very binary. Very binary. I'm straight in Roku City.

I'm straight in Roku City. And I'm a four-star general. Thank you very much. Anytime. Yeah, it is tough. It's like, especially in the business that we're in, it's like everybody,

yeah, it is a business that's built on connections. Like it's a business that's built on knowing people. And so it's, I think it's difficult not to go like, oh, I'd like to be friends with that person. They make cool stuff that I really like. How do you navigate? We've talked about this a little bit in dating. But like how do you navigate the fact that so many people you encounter know who you are and what you do and want something from you? Cause you're at such a different level with it than I am. You're like, it's another, another thing with you. It's odd. I will say it's odd

because I think it also has to come from this place of, and it pertains to dating as well of like, do I want to be friends with this person? You know, like, cause it, people can come up to you and be like, big fan, let's hang out, let's get dinner whatever but it's like if i'm not fucking with the vibe it's like i think i'm busy actually you know like i've i've found my voice to say no because so much of this industry also is people pleasing if you're a funny nice person you have to be funny and nice at all times yeah and if you're not that won't bode well for you you know sort of thing so i think that it's it's there's a power and like my time is very precious to me and I'm going to be very selective with who I give it to. So that's, that's kind of how I approach it, I guess.

I don't know. Yeah. It makes sense to me. Yeah. What do you, we, we've also talked about this before, but I'm dying to have it on the record. Let's go ahead and get it on the internet forever. Let's get on the internet forever. Cause that's how all good thoughts should be.

You're a philosopher in my opinion and I want to get your word out there. They do say that I resemble Aristotle in the face and body. People have said that. Yes.

Not in the thought process. No. They don't like your mind but they think you're built like a Roman. They're scared of my yeah man. Man.

What do you what does Brittany want? What does Brittany want out of all this? What's the point? An Irishman Yeah Irish cock

Okay Why are you laughing? You want Irish cock out of That's what you're That's kind of your life's purpose I think so I know I know that's the answer

By the way, you're not surprising me I know I've had to talk with you before You've had to talk me off the ledge I've had to talk you off the ledge about Irish cock Literally every time we hang out I'm like, what's going on with you? You're like, I need a man from Dublin so bad I know, you've had to talk me off the ledge. I've had to talk you off the ledge about Irish cock. Literally, every time we hang out, I'm like, what's going on with you? You're like, I need a man from Dublin so bad.

That's not a joke. That's not a joke. It's who you are, baby. It's who you're. It's how you're. That's who you're. It's who you are. It's who you're, darling. O-R-E.

I can be, oh, what a delight to be sitting with you. It's closer. We'll work on it. We'll work on that in the same, when we do the Nicole Kidman impression, we'll do the Irish impression as well. This is why I'm not on fucking SNL. Yeah, I think what I want in life is just an Irishman.

Maybe an EGOT. It's kind of, okay. Secondary. So now, EGOT, you're well on your way, because in high school... We are... You know, every great journey in life began with one step. And let's talk about your first step to EGOT. In high school, you played the grandma in an Addams Family musical.

Yep, musical. Rusical. Rusical. And the squeakquel. And you won a... What was it? What was it? A Kelly Award? That's going to be a Kelly Award. I was shocked you remembered that. From the you won a, what was it? What was it? A Kelly Award?

That's going to be a Kelly Award. I was shocked you remembered that. From the Texas, from the what school district? Keller High School. What fucking district was that? Couldn't tell you. Keller ISD. Yeah, something like that.

So you won an award in high school for playing the grandma in The Addams Family. Yes. Famously. This tells so many stories about you. I don't know. Why did that sound like, hey, baby? Hey, baby.

Hey, baby. Holy shit, that's what we're talking about. She moves her body like a cyclone. She moves her body like a cyclone. Oh, shit. Shake that ass. Go move it like this. Stop.

Back it up. Let me see your hips swing. You remember that one? Oh my god, I've been thinking about A-B-B for the rest of my life. A-B-B. That whole era. White folks, gangsters in the club. A-B-B. Damn. It's not nothing.

No, it's something for sure. Our duo music career is on its way up. It is. How about, oh, sh-na-na-na-na-na. Sh-na-na-na-na-na-na. Sha-na-na-na-na-na. Oh! Were you? Yes.

All right. Thank you for answering. Usher. I was Usher at one point. You just kind of Michael Jackson. In the early 2000s. Yeah, I was Usher. Oh, I was big into Usher.

When was the moment in your life when you were like, oh, yeah. Any straight thought just kind of left your mind? There was a photograph of Jake Gyllenhaal that came out, I don't know, mid-2000s sometime. Okay. And it was like a picture of him. It was a picture of him. Control yourself. I can't.

I'm literally going to blush. This picture, it was crazy. It was a picture of him. I want him, he was wearing low-rise jeans. And he was shirtless. And he had maybe a cross. He had some kind of necklace. Maybe it was a cross. He had some kind of necklace on.

And he's just standing up against a wall like this. And I was like, it's so over. It's over. It's so over. Flatline. Yeah, I was like, it's so. Look, we've got the picture right there. That?

That is what did it for me. That is the twinkiest picture I've ever seen. I was like 12. That is a twink. Honey, I was 12. Honey. What do I tell you? And he looks kind of like a lifeguard that worked at my pool.

Yeah, it always has to have a real life connection. Sure, it went like that. And I wanted to go like that. And I was like, I just literally was in my head. I was like, it's so over. Yes. You're going to have to just be gay. That's real. real yeah really real what what made you what was your moment that you knew you were gonna be straight where i knew i wasn't gay yeah not full gay yeah

that i wasn't full blown i would say for me it was not jake gyllenhaal it was this okay well it was a part of greg abbott um margaret thatcher um chris evans thank you and it was of Margaret Thatcher Chris Evans Thank you. And it was this was kind of like because of course I was always attracted to boys

like I loved Dylan and Cole Sprouse like that sort of thing like on Suite Life like I was really fucking with that. I have something to tell you by the way later.

Hey put a pin in Cole Sprouse I'll get back to that in a second. That was Scott you know like I'm in elementary school like oh he's cute. My first ever crush. You know, like I'm in elementary school. Like, oh, he's cute. My first ever crush was Ash from Pokemon.

Like, I wanted that so bad as a six-year-old. And then moving forward into like freshman year of high school, I saw a photo of Chris Evans from the movie with Anna Faris called, what's your number? Flop. Horrible. Number as in like how many people have you fucked. Okay. And I was about 13 and it's a photo of him with like whipped cream

Oh yeah. On his cock or something like that. Are you sure it was? Yeah okay. I think. Not Another Teen Movie. Is it Not Another Teen Movie that you're thinking of or were they spoofing that? Maybe. I think they're spoofing that in Not Another Teen Movie because Chris Evans is the cool guy in Not Another Teen Movie. Yes.

But he's got whipped cream over his dick. That's it. Yes. Up his ass. Yes. It was that. That right there. Yes.

100% it was that. And he's got that chest hair. And I literally remember feeling like, oh, what is sex? Yeah. Because before that, I was like, oh, what are you guys doing down there? Yeah. What do you mean it's touching? Ew. And then I saw that photo and I said, I could get what are you guys doing down there? Yeah. What do you mean it's touching? Ew.

And then I saw that photo and I said, I could get into that. Need to have it. Yeah. Need to have some of it. Yeah. Chris Evans really sort of made me a woman when you really think about it. You know who else? Jafar from Aladdin.

You would, you evil bitch. You would. Because you like your guys a little gay. A little. You need a little, just a touch of homo in there. Yeah, a little spindly and queer. Yeah, just a little. Careful with that Q. Careful.

Not the word, but just the way you threw the sauce on that one. It would be one thing if you said, oh, spindly and queer, but you said spindly and queer. You put a little John Voight on that one, honey. Be careful now. I had a little gruff to it. We're in California, not in Texas.

You can get put away for things like that out here. Yep, it'll be done. That's so funny. Yeah, that was it. Does he still do it for you, Chris Evans? Do you still imagine

it would do it for you? Oh, absolutely. I will say he grew a mustache and it looked a little Hitler-y. Yeah. I wasn't fucking with that. Like, I think Henry Cavill

had a much better mustache. I love a mustache. I know you do. I showed you the gentleman I'm talking to right now. Of course't fucking with that. Like, I think Henry Cavill had a much better mustache. I love a mustache. I know you do. I showed you the gentleman I'm talking to right now. Of course, my Irish gentleman. I wasn't going to bring it up, but I'm happy that you did. Well, of course I would. Yeah.

In two weeks when we're not talking anymore. Yeah. I'm going to regret this. But as for right now, he's got the stache that I remember. You've got an Irish guy on the line who I'm just going to say, we need him. We need him. We need him. We can split him custody we need him bad

yeah oh I was gonna come back to Cole Sprouse thank you for reminding me um I uh when is this coming out like two or three weeks from now T T okay maybe maybe I won't talk about this then come on so here's Cole Sprouse I'll come back to him. You know I did write a fan fiction about Cole Sprouse. I do know that. And for anyone listening who does not know about this, he was going to be in the Gulf War. It's going to be loosely based on the events of Saving Private Ryan. But sort of, if you can imagine,

Cole Sprouse is going to be the lead. And of course he goes to war and comes back a different man. Because how could you not? The PTSD is really, really rough. And does he come back to you or he goes back to me yeah that's my cole yeah that's my coley that's my cc that's my sissy cole and so i did write this when i was at the grown age of 19 and way too old to be writing fan fictions about real life men and uh yeah so that that's just kind of floating. That's part of the lore. And did I send it to you?

You haven't sent it to me yet. I'll send it to you. There's a real fear you have around sending it to me. You have a real fear around sharing that part of yourself with me. And I think it's valid. It's over today. I'll send it to you tonight. Thank you.

Send it to me tonight. Anytime. I need to read a couple things. I need to read, I've got that I need to read from you. And I need to read Drew's book. I need to read Drew's book too. You want to do book club? Yes, please. Let's read Drew's book together. Okay, period. Because I keep meaning to read from you, and I need to read Drew's book. I need to read Drew's book, too. You want to do book club? Yes, please.

Let's read Drew's book together. Okay, period. Because I keep meaning to read it. Yeah. But I'm waiting for, honestly, a plane ride, because I get a lot of reading done on planes. That's my thing, is I'm not going to sit down. I'm going to be on TikTok. Yeah.

It's my brain rot, you know? You do have brain rot. And you don't? No. I'm different than everybody else. I'm built different. You don't have brain rot is the thing. That's the fucking frustrating thing about you. You're fine. You're literally mentally well.

Thank you. You're literally mentally well. Most experts would disagree. Yeah. My doctors are not on board. No, I was texting. Sorry to interrupt. I have to talk about my Irishman again. We were texting the other day and he goes, he said something like, does your therapist agree? Does your therapist agree? Does your therapist agree? I sent him some fucked up text and he goes, he said something like, does your therapist agree?

Does your therapist agree? Does your therapist agree? I sent him some fucked up text and he responded. He was like, does your therapist know that you talk this way on the internet or something like that? And I responded and I said, I think they're called psychological evaluators in the ward that I'm in right now.

And he said, you type surprisingly well for someone in a straitjacket. And I was like, I need you in a way that is so. I was like, I said something like they release me every six hours and I get computer time and I message you. And he said, that's real sweet or something like that. Like it turns flirty after it's kind of like, you know, there's something clinically wrong with you.

You ever have one of those situations where it's going real flirty like that and then the person just takes it way too far? No never happened to you go ahead and explain to me a sort of gay men will take it way too far oh well of course like in that situation if i was texting if i text that to a gay man if i was like yeah every six hours they let me out of the jacket and i text you like there have been multiple times in my life where i've been having a cute conversation like that and the gay man will be then what? You suck my fucking dick? I'm like, okay! All right! Yes! Mayhaps!

But just ease up! No, yeah, and it also kills the bit. It kills the bit and it kills the vibe. We were being cute and suggestive. Yeah, I'm gonna give you head. Yeah, I'll put your penis in my mouth. Yes, I'll give you head, but must you be so vulgar? Exactly. Have some fucking decorum.

Have some class, scum. Yeah, you just go too far. Yeah, I do appreciate that about this young gentleman. He never takes it to a point where I'm like, ugh. Like, it's always in the name of, in the sake of comedy, you know? I was trying to schedule a hookup yesterday. Guy I met on Grindr, we moved over to Snapchat. Oh.

Because he had a private Grindr account, and those guys often delete their accounts. So sometimes they'll move to Snapchat if they're like, I... Now, what is a private Grindr account? Grindr is where you have up no pictures, and you only send pictures privately because you're DL. Now, how would you know to connect with this young gentleman if you haven't seen a photo of him? He messaged me and said, hey, how's it going? And I said, do you have a picture? And he said, yes.

And then he sends an expiring picture. So they don't have like it's not public but he'll share it with certain people. Is that because he's famous? Is that because I highly doubt it. Sometimes yes

but he's DL I'm assuming well so come to find out I'm assuming he's DL because he's like straight not out to people whatever and I'm into that

sometimes that's a mood. I don't catch feelings for DL guys anymore that was an old that was an old habit now I just hook up sometimes. We're messaging on Snapchat, and we're talking about when we're going to hook up,

because he's really cute, and I'm into it. And I go, what are you doing tonight? And I go, I have stuff until seven or eight, but I could probably meet up afterwards. And he goes, I can't tonight. I'm hanging out with my girl. And I said, do you have a girlfriend? And he said, yeah.

And I said, oh, are you open? And he goes, no, I cheat. No, mama, i'm cheating and i said i said i don't think we're on the same page oh my god yeah that's a little too much for me i like dl can be fun but i'm like not that i know you're like hanging out with your girlfriend and gonna not for me that is bat shit to be also no i cheat is awesome no no i cheat is awesome. No, I cheat is awesome. I'm not going to be part of it, but it is really cool. No, that is. That's really like props to you, brother.

He didn't lie. Yeah. He could have been like, oh, yeah, we're open. But he said, no, I cheat on my girl. No, I cheat full stop. Yeah. No, I cheat. Damn.

Not like, no, I cheat. Is that a problem? No, I cheat. Or like, things are bad with us. Did he throw like an LMAO in there or anything? Certainly not. Certainly not. Nobody's ass was in there or anything? Certainly not. Certainly not. Nobody's ass was being laughed off.

Of course not. No, I cheat. That's crazy. Straight up, I do infidelity. Oh, good for him. Good for him. Tough for her. I wish I knew her.

Oh, I wish I knew her so I could send her a little Instagram DM. I'd shoot her a text. I'd be like, hey, your guy's stepping out on you. You guys should break up so I can have him. Yeah, exactly. Or you could go after her. Yeah. God, god i gotta stop probably doing bits on here about me being straight people are gonna start thinking it's true people are gonna want you literally have to have like a line to turn away literally episode every episode we've recorded with like a

a female friend i'm like and what if i was fucking you you know like it's like because it's just i gave you and then what and then what and then what what if i gave you head? And then what? And then what? And then what? What if I was there? Yeah, I got to stop doing the straight bit. People have accused me. We'll kill it eventually. Eventually. But with you, it's real.

Yes. With you, it's real. Yes. Other girls, that don't mean anything to me. Well, they don't have the charm and pheromones that I give off. I need a good Southern woman. To cook for me. If I'm going to do women, it needs to be a good southern woman. Paula Deen.

Paula Deen. You're my Paula Deen. Oh, thank you. No, you and I are no good for each other. Yeah, it would really end in love and marriage, which that can't happen. Not in Hollywood. It would end in blissful domesticity. And we have so much else to do. We have so many other things to do.

We're too young. We're too young. Hey, let's make a deal right now. If we're 40, we'll kill each other. If we're 40, we're killing each other. Period. Not if we're single. No. Just when we turn 40, we'll kill each other.

No, we'll be in happy relationships by the time we're 40. Like, fully just, this is what I've prayed for my whole life. Oh, we're going to get that reminder on my Fitbit. Oh. 40. Happy birthday. Kill yourself. Double suicide with Caleb.

You have to kill Caleb at 4 p.m. Dude, how would you kill me? How would I kill you? If you had to kill me, like it was time to kill me, how would you kill me? I'd make it quick. You would? Yeah. I'd drag yours out.

Oh, that's really rude. Oh, would you want it to be quick? Maybe. I thought you'd want it to be kind of like an experience. Well, I mean, if we wanted to do like a sort of drawing and quartering, I could make that happen for you. If you want something kind of medieval in nature. Yeah, I think I should go back to quick. I was kind of vibing with quick, actually.

Yeah, like blow darts, kind of how I was thinking. Like you get one, two, and one of us is like, I'm kidding. You know, Romeo and Juliet. Yeah. I'd take you on a hike. I'd be like, no, let's go on a hike. We haven't hiked in a while. And you'd be like, oh my God, yes, girl, I miss you bad. I'd be like, let's go on a hike. We haven't hiked in a while. And you'd be like,

oh my God, yes, girl, I miss you bad. Oh, and we used to hike all the time as girls. Oh my God, let's get back to hiking.

Yeah. We go on a hike and I'd be like, hey, I'm just going to grab a sandwich out of the cooler real quick. You walk ahead. Pistol. Of mice and men. Style.

You take me out Lenny style. I'm crying. Yeah. I'm just, I'm grabbing that sandwich, girl. You're like, okay, sounds good. I'm like, in that plot of land

we're going to get, it's going to be great. Stupid. And that's a literary joke. And that's a literary joke. And you bitches have never read John Steinway. So much for brain rot. All you do is read. You've got dragons fucking each other.

It's not really good for me. I'm like, Brittany, what are you doing? You're like, just finished 18,000 words. This dragon fucked this princess, and now they have dragon princess babies. Anyway. Just the plot of Shrek. It's donkey and dragon. Anyway, I'll be 30 minutes late to dinner.

You ain't. I gotta masturbate and then get in the shower. I'll be a little late. I'll see you there. Yep, yep, yep, yep. It is. You don't read. You can't. I can't read. And I've never desired to. That's so funny to me

because I feel like especially as, well, you're a TV and movie sort of person I'm assuming. Yeah. That's real. I'm into television and film. Hey, baby. Do you know what I absolutely love? I'm into television and film. Hey, baby. Hey, baby. Do you know what I absolutely love?

I shared one and then you reposted it. I love the Horse Mafia account. Oh, my God. I love the Horse Mafia account. There is an account called Horse Mafia. Well, I found it first on Facebook. I've been sharing this thing for years. I had no idea. Years I've been sharing Horse Mafia.

I used to do it when we were in Chicago. I would share it on Friends walls. On Facebook walls. Horse Mafia is an account that is, first of all, I do want to admit, yes, right wing. Of course it's right wing. Well, of course. And anything that's going to have like a photo of a hummingbird and a psalm on it, it's going to be right wing. Yeah, it's going to go ahead

and you'll enjoy it for a while. It'll be peaceful. And then 9-11 will come around and the memes will start to get memes will start to get crystal clear about where they stand on stuff. If you ever had questions. Cause Horse Mafia is a page that like every day they make like three or four individualized memes that are like if you woke up

today say amen for Tuesday. All we're doing today is hugging family and dancing it out. Like it's like really sweet. Or it'll be like a picture of like three bumblebees like cheers in coffee cups and they'll be like a picture of like three bumblebees, like cheers in coffee cups. And they'll be like, another Thursday in the books. Not too bad, huh?

He is good. He is good. And then once every like 27th meme, it'll be like, every day our police officers step out of their houses. And who knows if they'll make it home at night. One like equals one respect. Keep it up for our boys in blue. And by the way, and there's like small caption,

and by the way, everything the US military has done has been justified. It's warranted. And then the next day it's like, Friday, can you believe it? Like it's back to, and I love this account.

Oh my God, it's me when I break my diet. Truly. Oh my God, that's crazy. It's like sending out Friday hugs and blessings to all my people. If you've received this, give me one like. Go throw me a like.

Oh my God, I love that account. And then it's back to blue, I've got your six. Truly. Truly. That's crazy. And then every single, every 27th, 28th meme is like, here's a picture of a soldier who got injured at war. Jesus. He was busy killing a family who didn't do anything. Yeah, yeah, every single, every like 27th, 28th meme is like, here's a picture of a soldier who got injured at war. Jesus.

He was busy killing a family who didn't do anything. Yeah, yeah. We support him. He had just actually nuked a civilian. Yeah. Yeah. We support him. Yeah.

And may he rest. I do think that, you know, for that much good, you got to take a little bad. You got to take a little bad. That's crazy. There's three places that I'm not political. Horse Mafia. A barbecue restaurant in the south my amc signature recliner and the horse mafia meme page on instagram that'll do it that'll do it damn i used to follow um a bunch like that that were like wholesome memes yeah and it's a nice

like break in the sort of it really is self-deprecating ironic meta fucking existential memes that i usually you know it's like wake up babe time to yearn like that sort of shit i'll repost because i'm like so true but then you know it's like me when the fajitas come out and they're hot and sizzling and i'm like fuck yeah fuck yes dude that's actually so real that's so real yeah it is a nice it really breaks the following pages like that is a really nice breakup of every other post being career accomplishment. Three homeless people just got

droned by the government in Cleveland. Women no longer have rights in these seven countries. Which that stuff doesn't bother me that much. But then it's like sending hugs to my family on a Monday and I tune in for that. Yeah, women's rights. I don't get too choked up about that stuff. I mean, it's the sending hugs to my family on a Monday. And I tune in for that. Yeah, women's rights.

I don't get too choked up about that stuff. I mean, it's the same old song and dance. Yeah, unhoused people I care about. I'm big on animals. Big on animals. Yeah, animal rights. Don't fucking touch them. Stop!

Women's rights, I go. Oh my God, I saw this tweet the other day that PETA, you know, is still tweeting, of course. Thank you. Like, don't. The fur industry is. And people will comment on it. Flop. Y'all fell off. Y'all fell off in a big way.

Enter, enter, enter. Fuck y'all. Fuck y'all. Fuck PETA. I do feel fuck PETA. How about this? People eat tasty animals. How about that?

That's one of the greatest jokes ever told. You want to know a similar joke to that? One of the most heartbreaking things I've ever... I'm just telling you heartbreaking stories from childhood today. Love it. Let's keep going. One day when I was in like third or fourth grade, my mom got me a new sweater from The Gap.

And we didn't get a lot of new clothes when I was growing up. It was a lot of hand-me-downs and thrifted stuff. And I used to be so embarrassed. My mom would come home from Goodwill with like perfectly good used clothes. And I'd be like, this fucking sucks! I was embarrassed. She got me a new Gap sweater. And I wore it to the bus stop one day to get on the school bus.

And this older kid who was always so mean to me, he goes, nice sweater. And I hadn't really been bullied like that yet. So I was like, thank you. And then he goes, yeah, you know what Gap stands for, don't you? And I go, no, what? I'm excited. I'm about to learn something. And he goes yeah you know what gab stands for don't you and I go no what like I'm like excited I'm like I'm about to learn something about my sweater and he goes gay ass people and my whole world started spinning I was like

no but you love my sweater you know I was like you know why would he say that he likes my sweater and then call it gay he's gay so at one second he loves my sweater and at the next second it stands for gay ass people. But we don't like gay people.

So what am I? Just like. So what does dad mean? I was so. And I turned the sweater inside out for the rest of the day. Oh. I was like, don't you dare. So it just said pag?

Yeah. It was just like random stitching. The embroidery on the other side. Looked worse than my Goodwill clothes. The teacher pulls you aside. Honey, are you eating good at all? Han? Han? Are you eating? Nope. They knew I was eating good at home.

I'm eating good. Trust. Look at me. I've always looked like this. Don't ask stupid fucking questions. You ever seen pictures of me as a kid? No, I'd like to. Don't worry. I'd be happy to show you. I'm going to show you, and I'll put this up on the YouTube for everybody to see too. We'll show the audience. You're going to die. Are you ready? Yeah. I'm going to put this up later on,

but just for your eyes right now. Were you class clown? Tell me a little bit about this kid before I show it, before I see him. At this point, no. At this point, just a total sweetie.

Too young to really have class clown stuff going on. This is me in a bubble bath at my grandparents' house. Okay. You're not ready. You think you're ready? I can see it. Let me show it. Let me see it.

Oh, that is too. Stop. How cute is he? He's real cute He's cute You'd be friends with him I can feel it Were you a ginger?

No I had lighter brown hair And you know This is me wearing My 101 Dalmatian shirt My sunglasses And my cowboy hat Let's see

Oh my god Oh my god We would have been Friends Fast friends Fast quick friends Fast friends. Fast, quick friends. Fast friends. That's wild.

I also love that that picture looks like it was taken in 1971. Girl, if you don't stop talking about my age on this podcast, as if you aren't two years younger than me. Like the sepia tone ass. Not sepia tone. How about I beat your ass, then what? Then what? I'll beat your ass for real.

I'll beat your ass. I. I'll beat your ass. I'll hit you on this pod. I'll hit you right now. I'll hit you, girl. I do think it's funny as a quick response to something to be, I'll beat the shit out of you. I'll kill you. How about that? I'll kill you for real.

My roommates love, Allie and CG love that sometimes when we're joking around at the house, I just act like a 10-year-old boy. Oh. One of them asked me the other day, are, are you serious about something I had said? And I go, am I serious? Fuck you. Just something. I just like to throw things like that around. Are you serious?

Mocking is good too. Mocking. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, do you want to go to the store with us? It's what you fucking sound like. No, it's you, bitch. Dumbass. I also, do you know the song, I can't help falling in love with,

you know that one? A classic song? Yes. Okay, I like to do a rendition of that around. That's about to piss me off, too. Do you know one of Elvis' most famous songs? Yes, I do. I don't know what you know.

All right, that's fair, that's fair. It's not a lot. I didn't know they had Elvis songs in Dragon Books. It was on the soundtrack. It was on the soundtrack, by the way. I like to do a rendition of that song around the house that goes, I can't stand my roommates at all.

They're dumb bitches. I like to do stuff like that. That's real sweet. Keep it fresh around the house. My dad used to do this ABBA song, I Have a Dream. But heBA song, I Have a Dream. Yeah. But he'd say,

I had a bean. Imagine me as a seven-year-old. Yeah. Pissing myself laughing. Crying. Crying. Crying. Like he was Robin Williams

on that fucking stage. I love a little Southern. I love a little Southern. Like when Southern people have little sayings. Yep. Like when Southern people will be like,

okay, this is a, well this, okay, what I was thinking of was like when your grandpa would say like when he had you know he's your grandpa say something like i could shit through a screen door not touch a wire you love that one that stuff like that stuff like that i love that one yes i'd be like he's so charming he could sell he could sell ketchup popsicle to a lady in white gloves you know my uh aunt aunt has one that's like a woman with big lips. She could suck the chrome off a 57 Chevy. That's a good one. That's a good one. I walked into a gas station in Kansas City

a couple months ago, and I want to get it just right, and I'm afraid I'll mess it up, but I walked in and I asked the guy behind the counter, and I was just going like, how you doing? Hey, good to see you. How you doing?

He goes, I'm fed up, I'm over the hill and I don't get paid enough. But how are you? Akin to Gabby Hanna's overwhelmed, overworked, overpaid.

Overwhelmed, overworked, overpaid. Yep. Oh my God, I love it. That's really, I mean,

it truly should be preserved in like a sociolinguistic sort of way. Like the southern isms are very integral to the culture of how we speak to each other. Yeah. And you have to understand too,

you have to be from somewhere like Missouri or Texas to know he doesn't actually want you to elaborate. Yes. He doesn't want you to be like, Oh my God, are they not paying you enough? You say this good deal. You say,

Hey, I heard that. Hey, same brother. Anyway. Yeah. My grandpa loves good deal. Yeah.

Good deal. Even if it's the worst deal you've ever heard. If it's like, well, cancer stage four, Good Deal. Good Deal. Good Deal. My grandpa loves to call everything a deal. He'll be like, yeah, my buddy came in here the other day. He was wearing one of them MAGA deals.

A hat? Anything's a deal. A hat? Oh, you're talking about a hat. Oh, you mean a hat. Yep. Yeah, we're going down to Applebee's and got one of them two for 20 deals. Just two for 20.

Just you got the two for 20. Me old deal. Me old deal. He loves deal. We're going to see one of them Meryl Streep deals your grandmother wants to see. Would you ever purchase a truck? Me? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I've been fantasizing about it. Do it. But I would put like a coexist sticker on the back. I know been fantasizing about it. Do it. But I would put like a coexist sticker on the back. I know you would. Let people know what's up. Your stickers would be like coexist MAGA Blue Lives Matter

MAGA coexist and be like please go around I'm jerking off to Hozier. I stopped for Irishman. Yeah. Please go around I'm beating it to Hozier's to Hozier's

latest single drop I'm yanking on it and then it'd be like 17 bottles of Coca-Cola stickers by the way by the way oh shit

all of it she's a Coke girl she's a Coke girl it's really terrible dude go ahead tell the people about Coke give them an advertisement I like it when it's not laced it's nice and pure out here in california i like to snort that stuff it's crystal candy brittany i got something for you oh god here's

what i'm gonna do okay you know the deal baby i'm going to uh i'm gonna tell you 15 statements you're gonna tell me oh that's right okay here we go you're gonna tell me if you think as quickly as you can, you're going to tell me if they're true or false. Okay. If you get 10 or more of these correct, you already know you're going to get $10. $50 cash prize. 5-0 is crazy. 5-0 is crazy. We don't play around. When people win, I don't actually send them the money.

Well, I know that. If I lose, you actually request the money. I request the money. Yes. Here we go. You ready? I'm ready. Human skin regenerates every week. True. False. Every 28 days. China has the longest coastline in the world.

Longest what? Coastline. Coastline. False. False. Canada. It takes sloths two weeks to digest a meal. Hogs?

Sloths. Sloths. True. True. The first telephone call happened in 1930. False. False. 1876.

Santa Claus has his own postal code. True. True. True. Coca-Cola is the oldest soft happened in 1930. False. False. 1876. Santa Claus has his own postal code. True. True. Coca-Cola is the oldest soft drink in America. False. False, Dr. Pepper. The first YouTube video is called A Day at the Zoo. True.

True. Game of Thrones won 20 Emmys total. True. False. 59. Damn. The whale shark is the biggest fish on Earth. False. True. Fuck. Texas is biggest fish on Earth. False. True.

Fuck! Texas is physically larger than any European country. True. True. Yee-haw! Tigers have striped skin. True. True. Tim McGraw owns over a dozen McDonald's franchises. RIP and false. False. Tim McGraw died? Oh no, Toby Keith. Damn.

I was like, breaking news! Not Tim McGraw! RV stands for recreational vehicle True There's more oxygen on Mars than on Earth True Hamburgers were invented in America False Germany

Wow We are the champions Hey The Drake video Obsessed with you Mimicking it Holding it at the base Cause you know

When it's that big You hold it at the base The Drake video With his song Just kinda My god Draped over That's a hell of a

Cock that young man's got Hey There he is Hell of a cock On that young fellow It's funny to talk about it Cause I mean I fantasize about Drake sometimes I do love that man That's no problem Young. It's funny to talk about it because, I mean, I fantasize about Drake sometimes.

I do love that man. That's no problem. That young gentleman. Yeah. People don't talk about it enough, how actually sexy he is. And future. Future sexy. I would do some things to future.

Go ahead. Yeah. What's stopping you? Security guards. Access. Access. Morals. I'm a Christian woman.

Well. Well. Sometimes. Okay. I want to do one of those to you. You do? Yeah. I ask you a little quick trivia round.

See how many you fucking get. Okay. I'll blow one of these on. Give me that fucking thing. I'll blow one of these on. I've got a future episode one here. Unless you have read, you compile these? No, I do not compile these.

All right. Hand me over. I will give you, okay, you compile these? No, I do not compile these. All right, hand me over. I will give you, okay, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to give you the true or false list that I was,

that we have prepared for Drew. Okay. For Drew's record. I love it. Okay, go ahead. You have to set it up too though. Now you have not seen this.

I have not seen this. I promise you, I wouldn't lie. Janet Jackson has won five Grammy awards. False. True. There are 25 holes

on each pair of Crocs. True. False. 13. There are 25 holes on each pair of Crocs. True. False. 13. The X in LAX is just a filler letter and means nothing. True. True. Japan is made up of over 6,000 islands.

False. True. LaDainian Tomlinson, my last name, is an avid beekeeper. True. False. Oreos are made with dairy. False. False. False. False.

That's false. False. Yeah, Baja California, Mexico. That is true. That is true. The Eiffel Tower was originally supposed to be in London. That is false. False. Barcelona.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open. That is true. True. The largest outdoor amphitheater in the U.S. is in Fresno, California. False. False. San Bernardino. Roger Goodall is the eighth commissioner of the NFL.

True. True. There are 13 stripes on the United States flag. True. Come on, Patriots. True. True. The ice cream cone was invented in Chicago.

False. False. St. Louis. Or St. Louis. St. Louis. St. Louis. True True True True The ice cream cone Was invented in Chicago False False St. Louis Or St. Louis St. Louis St. Louis Family Guy premiered On January 31st 1999 True

True How many was that? 11 Boom Shit Boom Damn I'm gonna do these same ones

With Drew actually Yeah Cause this won't be out yet Yeah And see how she stacks up Against me That's good That's pretty good

Yeah That's pretty good If there was ever a question Of if we really me. That's good. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. If there was ever a question of if we really are matched, that's it. 11 and 11. 11 and 11. Who do you think would... Irish cock. Done. Irish cock for both of us.

And we'll cheers them like pints at the pub. At Ponte Guinness. We put them next to each other. Cheers the dicks. Have you ever done the thing where you someone's like, can you hand me that glass? And you hold it like this on the side and put your fingers in it. And you're like, here you go.

Oh, yeah. That's always going to be funny. Exactly. Oh, yeah, here you go. Here you go. No problem. It'll be funny every time I'll laugh. Every single time.

What's your... Yeah, go ahead. What do you honestly think of me? Oh, I'll love you to goddamn death. I'd take a bullet for you. Okay. Do you want to compliment me at all because we're just about done here so i was just like if there's anything you've been

wanting to say to me well i think i've been wanting to air it out that it's time because we're killing the straight bit yeah we are engaged and we were going to do a vlog about it we were going to do all this i didn't know let's just honest. Do you want to tell the story or should I? I think you should. We can popcorn. Yeah, so I took Brittany to Taco Bell Cantina. I took Brittany to the Taco Bell Cantina in Westport neighborhood of Kansas City.

And we walked in and you immediately said... I said you did not! It's my favorite place. You knew that. And I said yes I did honey. And then all the staff they started dancing. They started you did noise it's my favorite place you knew that and I said yes I did honey and then all the staff they started dancing they started dancing

and clapping and clapping and they were singing your favorite song they were singing my favorite song Can't Help Falling In Love by Elvis

Can't Help Falling In Love by Elvis and I got down on both knees Shane Dawson style and you said I think it's just supposed to be one

and I said there aren't enough knees in the world for you exactly and you started crying and it was actually really traumatizing because you said, I think it's just supposed to be one. And I said, there aren't enough knees in the world for you. Exactly. And you started crying. And it was actually really traumatizing because you said, I can't get up. Yeah. Because you got down on that second knee and something in your back cracked.

And I was like, oh, my God, why are you crying? And you were like, it's paralyzing. It's paralyzing. Please help me. And you started screaming. You started yelling out to the staff, he's too big. He's too fat. He's too fat.

Help my fiance. Oh, my God. I'm saying that so's too big. He's too fat. He's too fat. Help my fiance. Oh my God. I'm saying that's so much fun. My fiance is too fat. You said you started yelling that out. I did. And then, uh,

they came to help. I started laughing hysterically. Yes. And then come to find out everyone in there had a sort of version of what they call mad cow fever. Yeah. Um, that was why you were laughing hysterically.

They were all kind of, you know, hysterically dancing. We went to the hospital and it was notarized there. We had the. It was notarized there. And we got mad at one of the nurses because they said, what is, they tried to get off a joke.

And they said, what is this? Thousand pound fiance's? Right. And we said, don't do that. That's mean. That's mean. That's mean. And because I was already on a gurney.

Sigourney Weaver. I was on a Sigourney Weaver. And they were pushing me in there and we're gonna do a fall wedding it's real real sweet I can't wait and we're gonna consummate at the ceremony with your parents in one pew and my mom in the other my dad's ashes right next to her that's the part that's where you draw the line

and that's actually gonna be the end yes you draw the line. And that's actually going to be the end of it. And scene. Yes and we're done. Yes and that's enough. Well, I just love you so much. I love you. Thank you for having me on. Thank you for being on. I feel like I told my truth today. Do you think that? Yes. We are just so happy to have you on So True Podcast

and promise me you'll come back again. Oh, I would love to if there's a fee involved. There is. Okay. You can pay me whatever amount you want to be on here. Well, you owe me 50 bucks, so I guess I won't come on. You owe me 50 bucks? Yep. No, because I won as well.

It wasn't a game of if you- You weren't going to pay me? So we broke even, girl? No, I don't work for this goddamn show. Now that the episode's over, I just want to say, you are not very nice. That's mean. You are not-

Don't look at me like that, even you are not very nice. That's mean. Don't look at me like that even as a joke. Caleb, that's mean. Stop. I talked about this with Drew one time. I was like, because I've seen you get serious maybe twice in my whole life, where you were retelling a story or being really vindictive about something. Vindictive, of course. And I was like, if he ever looked

at me like that for serious, I think I'd actually have to kill myself. Yeah. Because you know that switch when a funny person is like actually, they're not, you've pissed them off. Yeah. It's very jarring and scary. I couldn't deal with it if you yelled at me. There's two things I can't stand in this world. That's when a funny person gets

serious with me and when a fat bitch sits down next to me. And I smell their sit down air. When you get a full nose whip of that sit-down air. When a fat bitch sits down next to me, and a wind tunnel is created from the front pouch of the fat stomach hanging down. Gooch. Through the fupa.

Yes. Out the ass. Yes. Via the gooch. Yes. And that air just right into my nose. And for some reason it does travel upward in that sense.

Well, because heat rises. And so when that hot sit-down air goes into my nose, I go... Yeah, you know what's really horrible too is when it's in a cushion like this or when it's in that, you know, like a nice plush leather couch, okay? And you sit down in it and it's got just

enough air, just enough like sort of Just enough oomph to rise up out of there. It's actually about to piss me off to think about it. Like dust from an ancient text. Yeah. Horrible. Horrible. But for the right person, I would be like, this is a pheromone of a certain sort.

Yeah. Aw. I would, in every In every timeline, I'd be smelling your sit-down air. In every lifetime? In every lifetime. In another lifetime, it would have been enough

to just do taxes and smell sit-down air. Ah! Airplane sit-down air? That'll be the nail in the coffin for me. As a fat person on an airplane, Oh, airplane sitting down here. That'll be the nail in the coffin. As a fat person on an airplane, the only two words I know are sorry and sorry. Sorry and sorry. Sorry and, excuse me. Sorry and pardon.

Pardon. Pardon. God, get me out of here. Close this episode up. Get me out of here. It's been real. Thank you guys so much for listening. There is so much more So True Podcast over on our Patreon.

Our subscribers over there get a bonus episode from me every month, which you can give topics for. They also get to leave voicemails for the show and see bonus clips from every episode with every guest. So go over there and subscribe, please. Also, if you haven't already, subscribe to our YouTube. Like the videos, share them with friends, you know, just proselytize, get out there and get some new congregants, get some new truthers for us. Review on Spotify, review on Apple, only if you have good things to say and all that. Also, you guys, please come see me live. Are you freaking kidding? I'm going to, at the end of March, into April, even into May, I'm going to New York City Washington DC Philadelphia

Chicago Nashville San Francisco Los Angeles again Houston Texas Fort Worth Texas Dallas Texas and Los Angeles once once once more thank you so much