So True with Caleb Hearon - Carly Kane Loves Crystals

Episode Date: February 6, 2025

Welcome, friend! Our guest this week is the hilarious Carly Kane! Carly and Caleb talk everything from touring together, Tarot cards, a certain obsession of her dad’s, and so much more! Subscribe to our YouTube channel for full video episodes! We are going on TOUR! Come see So True LIVE in a city near you! Dates/Tickets can be found here: https://www.livenation.com/artist/K8vZ917qN1f/so-true-with-caleb-hearon-events Join our Patreon for an exclusive extended interview with Carly and other bonus content!   Follow Carly! @icarlykane Follow the show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud There’s nothing dry about Athletic Brewing Co. non-alcoholic brews. Give it a try and head to Athleticbrewing.com/SOTRUE to find it near you! Athletic Brewing Co. Milford, CT and San Diego, CA. Near Beer. <0.5% alc/vol.Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com/SOTRUE today. Go to https://www.Zocdoc.com/SOTRUE to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. Head to https://www.squarespace.com/SOTRUE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code SOTRUE Go to Quince.com/sotrue for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.  About Headgum: Headgum is an LA & NY-based podcast network creating premium podcasts with the funniest, most engaging voices in comedy to achieve one goal: Making our audience and ourselves laugh. Listen to our shows at https://www.headgum.com. » SUBSCRIBE to Headgum: https://www.youtube.com/c/HeadGum?sub_confirmation=1  » FOLLOW us on Twitter: http://twitter.com/headgum  » FOLLOW us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/headgum/ » FOLLOW us on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum So True is a Headgum podcast, created and hosted by Caleb Hearon. The show is produced by Chance Nichols with Associate Producer Allie Kahan and Executive Producer Emma Foley. So True is engineered by Casey Donahue and engineered and edited by Nicole Lyons. Kaiti Moos is our VP of Content at Headgum. Thanks to Luke Rogers for our show art and Virginia Muller our social media manager.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I know how you guys think of me. You think I'm this serious? I don't think you're serious. You think I'm this, you think, you think I'm this serious guy who's, oh, Caleb doesn't believe in crystals. Well, I don't, but... Laughter Music Carly Kane!

What do you...okay, what do you think of us? Of you? Of the whole team? Of us, me and you! What are we? I mean, you know what I want us to be. You know that you're the only man I would date. That's not true. But you kind of want nothing to do with me. You don't even like hugs from me.

I do like hugs from you. I don't know. I don't like hugs from you when you start to get chills and goosebumps and stuff. What do you mean? Because when am I getting chills and goosebumps? Sometimes I give you a hug and you melt into it in a way that's like, oh.

Yeah, because I love you. Remember that it's platonic. I know, and then sometimes I'll try to squeeze your shoulder and you make me feel like I've done something really bad. I then like really get in my head about it for days. I'm like, should I not? Like I should have asked consent before I squeezed his shoulder.

Wait, speaking of chills, do you want to hear what my first tattoo is? Yeah. It's so embarrassing. I don't even know why I'm saying this. So it's in French. Yeah. And the F is a treble clef.

Je suis pratiquement français. Bonjour. Bonjour. T'es soleil. It's the word frison, which is when you get chills when you listen to music. And the F is a treble clef. That's beautiful. I got it when I was 19.

That's beautiful. That's nothing to be embarrassed of. It's literally humiliating. No. That's beautiful what you did. I know. So I guess I do kind of relate to getting chills a lot. God, to know you when you were 19, I would give anything.

I was really a horrible person. I was getting arrested all the time. What crimes were you doing? Fake IDs, a lot of weed. Those are not even crimes, dude. Well, in Florida they were, because I was in jail. A couple times. Our country's so silly. You can't have a fake ID and weed when you're a teenager.

What the hell is the point? I know. Oh, but meanwhile you got guys that are inside trading stocks. Yeah. And are walking free. Absolutely. I don't like the guys that do that stuff.

The financial crimes. I like guys who do weed. I'm fine with tax fraud. I mean, I just feel like it's like, I wish that more non-millionaire billionaires could get away with tax fraud. Yeah, that's the issue. You can really only do tax fraud when you have a team.

Exactly. Dude, I spent my, if my early 20s were about not looking into things that surely aren't right, my late 20s into my early 30s have certainly been about paying the price. I am the number of things, the number of things that have gone ahead and come back around. And when I was 23 I said, ah, whatever man,

it'll be what it'll be. Oh my god, I can't relate more. I mean, the calls I get from the hospital about being in there for poison oak, getting my appendix removed, I mean, I haven't paid anything. Well, you fall down a lot. I do, I'm falling out of trees.

I will say, every time I see you, you've got like a new ailment. You've got like a new, and it's not, people are thinking like, oh, Carly's, maybe she has like an immune system thing. No, it's not a new ailment like that. It's like, I'll see Carly, maybe she has like an immune system thing. No, it's not a new element like that. It's like, I'll see Carly and she'll have like a broken fibula.

And I'll be like, how? And she'll be like, oh, I was in a clowning class and Jeremiah pushed me into the bumpers and then of course I fell down the stairs. And anyway, it was a lot of, it was fun. No, I mean, yeah, this time last year, shattered my thumb, did a day where I skied and surfed in the same day.

My thumb was hanging off of my. Shattered my thumb. And my friends were like, get up and get on the board. And I was like, okay, yeah. My thumb was literally like. Who was with you? My friend Tyler. Tyler? Tyler.

He's such a sweetie. I know, it was a bunch of boys. So they were like, pick it up. Boys. Boys are such an insidious concept. So, so insidious. I was at dinner with six of them last night. What?

I know. Why? I'm a pick me. I'm a lesbian pick me. There's something so funny about self identifying as a pick me. Oh, well I do this kind of-identifying as a pick me. Oh, well I do this kind of stuff because I'm a pick me.

Male validation is literally the highest drug you can get on. Male validation is king. I need it to live. Don't want to sleep with them at all, but god damn. Oh my god, that's beautiful. I don't think I'm a pick me. Do you think I'm a pick me? No, you hate men.

Nice. I don't actually really need them. I love men, but I don't like that I love them, you know? I feel like you love them in a very specific way. Well, sexually. Yeah. Oh, there's a specific way, all right. Cause I'm like, how many,

I mean, you actually have a lot of guy friends, but you have so many friends that it's actually. I have a lot of guy friends, but you have so many friends that it's actually. I have a lot of guy friends, but I don't respect any of them. No, no you don't. You're fine. Yeah. Chance hold before, brother.

I mean, you have so many friends that it's literally like, I'll be like, hey, Caleb, like, what are you up to today? And you're like, actually I have like a 30 minute window, but I'm getting six dinners, I'm going to the circus tonight, and then a late night opera. Yeah. And it's like, what the fuck are you talking about? You're like, this is my actual the most free time I have Yeah, and then I'll be like I actually can't do that 30-minute window and you're like, okay, you want me dead. Oh

Yeah, let's tell the actual truth, which is that which is that? Yes. I'm busy, but I'm friends with a bunch of Wayfish witchy lesbians like you a bunch of a bunch of fucking on the verge of being non-binary women At any day you're gonna throw a they into the mix We're gonna fucking text me all the time and be like hey, sorry I'm just really holding space for myself today. Like I can't do breakfast you at home. They already threw the fan Fucking oh my god with the holding space and the taking time. I have never said holding space.

I'm sorry, I'm too tired to come out tonight. I'm just exhausted from processing all the ways in which. It's like fucking get up and come meet me at this bar. What are we talking about? No, there has been a lot of processing. Ha ha ha ha. We went on tour together. We did. I want you to be so fucking for real right now. We went on tour together.

We did. I want you to be so fucking for real right now. What was your experience of going on tour together? I had an absolutely amazing time. It was truly one of the best experiences of my life. I can't believe we flew to a new city almost every day. I mean, that was one of the most like, it felt so opposite of like what human should do.

Oh, we shouldn't have been doing it. Yeah, but I had literally the best, I mean, it was amazing. Your fans are obsessed with you, they cry. My fans loved you. No, they did, and I really felt that. But I mean, we got to see so much, I loved spending time with you.

I could tell I was slow. What do you mean? Slow moving. Yeah, you, but I loved, hey, I loved having you on tour, it was the most fun. But yeah, if you're gonna bring up the speed, there was multiple situations where I was like, really?

No, yeah, you definitely were like, pick up the pace, you know? A couple times I left my wallet in the Uber, we're chasing it down. You're disaster adjacent. You're want to be, yeah, it's just like. And you kind of run on Caleb time where you're like, we're going now.

Yeah, it's not a great match. You're one of my best friends in the whole world, obviously, just so people know. But we are an odd, funny kind of odd couple because you are so prone to something hilarious and slapstick happening, and I am so not having it. You know? No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I'm like, we need to go. And you're like, you're like, sorry, my phone's on the, I got lost in the ceiling, it's a long story. I'm like, what? I mean, yeah, that's the thing, we definitely traveled really well together, but definitely you're extremely organized and timely,

and I'm sort of, you know, to my wallet. I just wanna track also that the phone in the ceiling is the second time that I've struggled to come up with a bit. And I want the listeners at home to know, I'm not losing my touch. We're recording this at 9 a.m. Do you know how bad I felt for myself

that I had to get up at the time that most people get up today? I know, when we did the times, I was like, oh my God, I can't believe Caleb's gonna be up. I hope he's okay. Yeah, I was at a show until 1 a.m. last night. Yeah, yeah, cause you send a text at 1 a.m. and I'm like, god damn it, go to bed, buddy.

Yeah. Yeah. You're like, until 1 a.m. Last night. Yeah, cuz you sent a text at 1 a.m. And I'm like god damn it go to bed buddy Yeah You're like just organizing like a small dinner. It's like 15 of us in the group chat. It's one in the morning I'm like people people and the thing is people are up. They're waking up for you people get a text from you and they No, they're already up. Oh, okay. Mind you my arm did not go off this morning. I woke up to chance ringing my doorbell He walks in he's like good morning, buddy. I was like, uh, hey. I've got marks on my face from the way I was sleeping. I was like, hey, I'm going to try to make time for a shower. What was the funniest thing that happened on tour, would you say?

The funniest thing that happened on tour? Well, I don't think I've talked about this on here, but okay. The Chicago into Nashville of it all, do you remember? Of course, I'll never forget. We, dude, and chime in if I'm missing anything. We, at this point, we're what, like halfway, three fourths of the way through the tour? Yeah, yeah, yeah, and Chicago was such a high.

Chicago was like, what are we playing? Oh, we did three nights at Lincoln Hall. Yeah, it was amazing. That was like a dream come true. So many friends coming. Oh my God, how fun. And we had a show on the last night we were in town. And then, so let's say the show was on Friday night,

and then we had a show Saturday night in Nashville. And my team gets pretty comfy with the routing. And my team gets pretty comfy with the dates. They will have me. They will have me in Minneapolis one night, and Baton Rouge the next. So. So. I know, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like, I'm in New Orleans tonight, but tomorrow Vancouver. Truly, it's, yeah, but I mean, I ask for it. But so we do the Chicago show, we have so much fun, and then we go out with a bunch of people. And I was like out with a guy that I was kind of seeing at the time. There was a magician at the bar too.

There was what? A magician. Well, I don't think I clocked that. We go out, we stay out real late. And then what happens? Oh, you go home and go to bed. You go back to your place and go to bed. I go to my hotel with this guy.

We're up like, you know, we're like making out. We're like, I'm thinking we're gonna hook up. We've hooked up before, so it's not like a new thing. But before we can hook up, I get a text from the airline. No, I got the text at the club, didn't I? Oh my God, and I still took this guy home. You were at the club. You were at the club.

I was still at the club, so we're still at Berlin. You weren't even kissing in the hotel yet. We were kissing in the club. I'm making out with this guy at Berlin, and then I get a text at this guy at Berlin, and then I get a text at the club that says, your flights have been canceled to Nashville. And I go, huh. I text Carl and I go, flights were canceled,

I'll deal with it later. Put my phone away, went back to dancing, stayed for another hour or two, took him back to the hotel, should not have taken him back, probably should have focused on the flights. We are making out in the hotel room, he's like, you should probably deal with those flights,

I'm like, well, you know, we've got this other thing going on. So then he and I are doing our thing, and then you're asleep. Fully. You're asleep as you should be. I find us a new flight on an airline that I don't like to fly. Let's just say, it's an airline that I don't like to fly.

Let's just say, it's an airline that I don't love to fly. I'm not gonna name them, but they don't give you an assigned seat. And they do things a little differently and the difference is it sucks. Yeah, we have our own special way of doing things around here and it's called a Hell on Earth. But it was the only flight that would get us

to Nashville on time. So the flight is at 5 a.m. And I think our original flight was gonna be like 10 or 11 or something. So I book both of our flights. I cancel because they had rebooked us on a new flight for the original airline. And by the way, the details of this are very fun

for the listeners. I cancel both of our flights. I book both of us new flights. I don't go to sleep, because I have to pack. So now, I'm throwing all my stuff in my suitcase, I throw all my stuff in my suitcase, I zip it up real tight, and it's, I only travel with a carry-on at that time.

Now I'm getting more into checkbacks, but I only travel with a carry-on, so it's real tight, right? Then I get in the car, I call you, I'm like, Carly, get up, we got the flight, I come and get you. When I get, when I go to get in the Uber, do you remember this part? When I go to get in the Uber, my suitcase snaps in two. Yeah, and the thing is, I just wanna say that I was asleep the entire time, so none of this affected me.

I wake up and you're like, I just have all these texts, flight canceled, handling it later, at the club, back with the guy, okay, I'm outside. Okay. And I was like, I was reading it was like a haiku. You're like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, okay. Then you come outside my so what I had to do was my bag has split in half. Everything has spilled out of it. Okay. Everything onto the

ground. So mind you, it's four or five in the morning. I'm throwing the shit back in the suitcase. I take the suitcase like a sandwich, stuff it in this guy's trunk, and then come get you. And then you get in and you go. Hey, how's it going? I got my bag broke. I can't talk about it. Then we get to the airport and I Have to throw the suitcase away. Didn't I? Yeah, and do you remember what bag you use? I had to use a laundry sack. You used the laundry sack

Which I had a lot of trauma about because that laundry sack one load cost me $85 and I called them I tried to cancel I got really really pissed and so I was like well Thank fucking God this finally worked out because I, that was a pit in my stomach. Paid $85 for probably three shirts and a sock. Well, you paid $85 for three shirts and a sock and my new checked bag.

So this laundry service that we used in Chicago, it was like a paper bag that I put, I had to throw away like two pairs of shoes and my suitcase, because I didn't want to cancel on Nashville and Nashville you better love me And so we I checked the paper bag with my remaining shit in it, but I have to carry it like a baby It's like a full sack. It's like a sack. I have like a ruck sack basically. I look like a fucking bendle So then I checked my laundry bag to get on the bad airline We get on the bad airline. We take the flight then I land my laundry bag to get on the bad airline.

We get on the bad airline, we take the flight, then I land and find out that something has happened, I'm not gonna say whose fault it was, it's no one in this room, but something has happened at the venue that they overbooked the show by like 75 seats. And I don't think it was their fault, I think it was like the fire marshal's fault. I think the fire marshal came and like rezoned it or something. So basically they were like the fire marshal's fault. I think the fire marshal came and like rezoned it or something.

So basically they were like, do you want to cancel on 75 people or do you want to add a late show the day of? And I was like, so the question is, do I want to cancel on 75 fans or do I want to do a show for 75 people in a 400 seat room? Both sound like I'd rather get stabbed in the fucking head. But I was like, I'm not going to cancel on the people.

So then we add a late show. So now I have not slept in, I don't know how many days. My bag is, I have checked a laundry sack. We have flown the worst airline in the world to Nashville. Then we get to Nashville and they won't let us check into the hotel. Well, and also no one's working at the hotel. It's one of those.

It's a beautiful place, but it's like you walk in, it's just this music. Also, we're sitting there, right? We're both completely destroyed. It's like I'd never felt that's like you walk in it's just this music also. We're sitting there, right? We're both completely destroyed It's like I'd never felt that way in my life and I slept Caleb you're sitting there you get a phone call from a friend Okay Your friend's going through a break your friend is going through something really traumatic and you talk to her for probably an hour

And I was like what is going on with him? Yeah, so I'm We're sitting in the lobby of this hotel, and this is literally what I look like Like I've been to I haven't slept in days. We've been through travel hell. And you're giving the best advice I've ever heard. I'm literally being like, no, if they were meant to be, they would, mm. I'm truly about to vomit and cry.

Like, I'm so, I really don't want to leave them hanging. So then Carly's laughing at me, making fun of me, being like, hang up the phone. Then I think, I don't remember what I said to you, but at one point I was like You were like get us in Someone that works here and get us in and I go okay, I'm like haunting the halls of this like empty hotel That's just playing Green Day. It's like it is beautiful, but it's like kind of what is the business model here? Yeah, and then I finally find

Somebody that's cleaning one of the rooms and I was like, please this is what we had like Can you please let us in and she's like I can I was like I can't go back Until we get a room okay, okay, like I'll let you in so fucking funny I literally turned you in desperation. I was like figure it out Solve it and then we got into that room We closed all the blinds, and we went immediately to sleep. And then I made a cup of coffee in there

and it was like I'd never been hit harder by caffeine in my life. We had the worst coffee in the world but it tasted like a gold elixir. We woke up to that coffee because we had to sleep up until the show, have hotel room coffee, and then go do a double header.

Oh my God. I, yeah. I mean, I think for me it was, the funniest moment was the hotel in Austin when there were the loud people next door. Oh, the whole episode is gonna be me and Karlie talking about this tour. Dude, that, okay, dude, yeah, go ahead, tell that.

That's so fucking funny. So me and Caleb were trying to sleep. It's like a wonderful hotel. We're in Austin. Nice hotel. Very nice hotel. Very nice hotel. Paid a lot for it. Thank me and Caleb are trying to sleep. It's like a wonderful hotel. We're in Austin. Nice hotel. Very nice hotel Very nice hotel. Thank you Caleb. Thank you Caleb. No, I'm saying like people should be behaving. Totally and I'm trying to get over my people-pleasing tendencies the people next to us are screaming

They're so fucking loud and I look at Caleb and I'm like should I go over and say- Well, hold on. Mind you, can I interrupt you to remind you and also tell the listeners My friend Andre, who had come to the Austin show, got his car towed during the show, and when we went to hang out with him afterwards, he was like, my car's towed, and we were like, that's the night.

He was like, you guys go ahead, I was like, no, we're going with you. And then we went to get his car untoed. We got driven around in the bed of a truck in a field in Texas by the tow truck guy. So we've had a night in Austin to begin with. Which was like, by the way, the best night we could have had. Yeah, it was so much fun.

And Andre's the best. Yeah, he was amazing. And then we go back to the set hall, and I'm like, Caleb, I'm going to knock over and say that we have a newborn in here, and we're trying to sleep. And you were like, I guess. And I was like, no, I really needed you to build me up to do it. And you were like, I really don and I was like, no, like I was really needed you to like build me up to do it. And you were like, I really don't care.

Did we say that the noise they were doing was sex? Did we say that part? Do you remember that part? They were fucking. That happened after. Oh, okay. They were talking loudly and playing music and I was like, okay, I'm going to go over.

I'm going to robe. I'm like trying to like look tired. You looked insane. I don't know that there was much trying that had to be done. I love you to death. You looked insane. I don't know that there was much trying that had to be done. I love you to death. You looked, you looked like bad. I looked like I just had a newborn. We both looked bad.

We were going through hell. So I go next door, I knock, and the guy opens and I'm like, hi, like, are you having fun tonight? Like we have a newborn next door and like we're just trying to sleep. I don't mind keeping you down. He's like, oh my God, of course. Of course, I'm so sorry. The door is open so I'm just in bed trying so hard to be asleep after these days of madness.

And I hear Carly being like, Carly over explaining, being like, it's a baby so it was just born. So it's like a baby and it needs quiet because of the night. And I was like, I'm crying laughing. I'm like, I'm having a little postpartum depression. I was like, I'm crying laughing. I'm like, I'm having a little postpartum depression. And then I get back in the room and I'm like, I did it, Caleb. And again, you're just kind of like, whatever, girl. And then we're trying to go to sleep.

They start having the loudest, most performative sex. It was fuck you sex. It was fuck you sex. It was fuck that baby sex. It was insane. I was fuming. and I'm like, Caleb, he's hitting it from behind, listen to him smacking her ass,

and you were like, shut the fuck up. Carly, I'm still trying to fall asleep, and Carly's like, oh great, he's giving her back shots. Carly's like, play by play, color commentarying their sex. I'm like, you're making it worse. Carly's like, I can hear his balls smacking her fucking gooch. I'm like,'re making it worse cars. I can hear his balls smacking your fucking gooch We had the Austin show that the night of that yeah

And then we were off to somewhere the next day Yeah, we left early in the morning and I like I was like I want to get revenge and you were like Maybe just not like I think I like banged on the wall were they hot you never told me no I wanted them to be hot if they were hot it would have been like so fun to hear them have sex I was like, let it go. I think I like banged on the wall. Were they hot? You never told me. No. Fuck, I wanted them to be hot. If they were hot, it would have been like so fun to hear them have sex, you know? Well, you were not having it.

You were like their straight stop. Yeah. You were like, you're kind of like, you were like, are you into this? And I was like, no, I'm. Also, if you're ugly, it's like, you shouldn't be having loud sex. Yeah.

Like do that shit and bring it in silence. It was. If you're ugly, don't have loud sex. No. Right? It's like. If you're ugly, well have loud sex. No, it's like if you're ugly Well, I do feel like when people are like they're not making much noise during sex. Oh good people Yeah, they shouldn't be making noise at all. I've had sex with a couple of them. I'll be people. I have never Really? I've never slept with an ugly person

Not once because I know I can't I had a lot of low self-esteem when I used to sleep with men. But here's the thing, a lot of what, see, because some, you have to understand, I think so many people are hot. I'm into all different types. No, you do have sex with a lot of hot people. You're not, you have really high standards. But I have slept with many different types of people. I just have never slept with an ugly person. Yeah, I can't relate to that. You name them. Short, tall, fat, skinny.

I've got a couple different genders in there. I've done it, but none of them have been ugly. I would say a lot, wait, who are your ugly people? Name them by first in line. No, I won't do that. I don't even remember some of their names. They were so that unmemorable. No, I'm kidding.

I've slept with people whose names I did not know when we slept together. Yeah. Just beingorable. No, I'm kidding. I have some of people whose names I did not know when we slept together. Yeah. Just being a gay guy, I think. It's like crazy. I used to sleep with so many men. That is crazy. I would just try. I was like, I'll like it eventually, you know. Yeah. Huh. That was really sad what you said.

Did you feel that that was sad? I didn't. Okay. Okay, well just know it's hitting the ears. It's hitting the ears a little sad love. Yeah, no, that's fair. What is your sexuality? I don't know. I mean, I feel like it's like, I feel very much like a lesbian. But it's like, will I have a slip up? Probably. Slip up? Yeah. I think I do. And it would spin me out for about a month. Yeah. But it's like, will I have a slip up? Probably. Slip up, okay. Yeah. I think I do and it would spin me out for about a month. Yeah. But it's been about six years. A lot of my gay friends are having slip ups these days. Well is it like lesbian specifically or like gay men too?

Well the gay men aren't doing it but they're talking about it. I've got, I can't tell you the number of coffees I've gone to in the last year where a gay guy says, I've been thinking maybe, maybe I wanna sleep with a woman. And I think it's because being a gay man is such a nightmare curse sent from hell. I've been saying, being gay is the biggest gift

that God ever gave to me. It was sent to me by the universe. It enriches my life in ways you can't even imagine. Being attracted to men is a curse from the devil sent gave to me. It was sent to me by the universe. It enriches my life in ways you can't even imagine. Being attracted to men is a curse from the devil sent to destroy me. And that's what gay guys are going through. But when lesbians slip up, I go, what are you doing? Totally, that's why I don't know.

I think it's like more in my head, but I, what was I gonna say to you? I do feel like, do you feel like gay men are maybe a little more bisexual than they let on? Maybe, yeah. Bi is, yeah, bi is real, and a lot of people are doing it, and yeah, so maybe. You're not a fan, though.

I know, you- No, I am. I'm good on bisexuals. That's new. No. No, it's good. It's historic and constant. I'll talk to Caleb, and I'm like, I feel like my sexuality could be maybe a little more fluid

than I thought, and you're like, I don't really we can stop talking now I want everyone to be gay. I do think being gay is the highest Accomplishment you can do on earth. I agree. I think being a gay guy or a lesbian and just keeping it nice and tight in those boxes I think it's the highest thing you can do on earth. I think it's the greatest achievement I think it's like achieving thing you can do on Earth. I think it's the greatest achievement. I think it's like achieving nirvana. You know, and I think stepping outside of that is like, I just feel you're falling from grace a little bit. But I know that people do.

And that's okay, we're not all perfect. If you're straight, I think that's the most base, vile, disgusting thing you can do. But I know some people who are doing it in like a cute way. It's very few and far between. Yeah, like my friends Nancy and Tom. Okay, I love that. They're straight, but people who are doing it in a cute way. It's very few and far between. Yeah, like my friends Nancy and Tom. Okay, I love that. They're straight, but they're doing it

in a very fun way, you know? Again, these are friends. You just have so, so, so, so many friends. You know Nancy and Tom, I think. Do I? Maybe, they rollerblade a lot. I don't know Nancy and Tom. Okay.

They're great, they're one of my favorite straight couples. You're like me when I'm skating. They're one of my favorite straight couples. They're one of my favorite straight couples. You know those tent pole straight couples that we all have in our lives that we're like, you guys are the good ones. No, I do have a couple of those where I'm like, God, I really respect you and it's so good to see

that this is a good relationship. Yeah, oh God, a good relationship. Yeah, I do have a hard time listening to people talk about men, like when they're dating them, I'm like, I really am not the one. I'm like, I don't know why you're picking me but please don't pick me. I'm like please don't skip me. I'd rather hear about the worst woman in the world. Yeah than the best man. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace folks. Squarespace is the only

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I know the patriarchy harms men too, and I don't give a fuck. Really? No, I do care, sorry. Carly. I do care about men. I got dinner with six of them last night. That's true. Oh my God, well I want you to be a lesbian

for as long as you can be. No, I think I will be. I just, I think I have this fear of like, saying I'm a lesbian and then like, uh oh. Who did you vote for? In the most recent election, presidential. I'd rather not say. Who did you vote for?

Trump. No, could you imagine? No, I voted for Kamala. You voted for Kamala? Yeah. Okay. Does that surprise you? No, not really.

I, yeah, I don't know. I don't really think about stuff like that. I'm kind of apolitical. Yeah, you definitely are apolitical. I don't really think about politics and stuff like that. Yeah, no, neither do I. I think standing politicians is such dork, loser, ass, weirdo behavior. Ugh, politicians, it's like you should have just been

in high school theater, like you make me sick. Yeah, but people, there's this whole of like standing politicians where people are like like even with the Kamala Obviously Trump and JD Vance have their stands the Kamala too though. I'm like people being like Obsessed with them and wearing their faces on shirts and shit. I'm like if you're not 18 to 21 years old I'll give a pass for that only because of my behavior with Bernie Sanders I'll give a pass for that only because of my behavior with Bernie Sanders. I will give a pass for that only because when I was 19, I was a boy was I in for Bernie. And I still would love to vote for the guy. But the Stan behavior, the t-shirts, the photo, the fucking selfies, the I'm like, you're a loser.

Oh, yeah. Well, it's like the celebrities, they make them celebrities, it's the only thing that we know how to do in America, is like to make these politicians celebrities. We need to get back to standing Jesus. I actually love that guy. Jesus Christ? Yeah, with no religious affiliation, he rocks. As a guy, probably pretty sick.

Yeah, I think he was definitely gay, he's turning water into wine, he's for the people, he was definitely very leftist. You think Jesus is gay? For sure. You believe in God? I believe in like, to me, God is like nature

and sort of like the love that we all share. I sort of believe it in a spiritual sense and I know that makes you kind of sick to your stomach. No, you've never asked me about my feelings on God. No, I know that you probably believe in God in your own kind of way. I Know you do say more about that. I just think you're the kind of guy that would be like like it wouldn't surprise me if you were like yeah, once a month I go to like a non-denominational church and like I sing in the choir and

You definitely would you have at some point I can feel that. I have never sang in the choir. You were up to something in a church. When we lift our voices might not be lifted. I do. You were definitely up to something in a church growing up. And I know that for a fact. I go to this day, I go to Unitarian Universalist churches when I can. Yeah. I like those too. Those are cool. I like those. Yeah. I like,

I like hearing when you have a spiritual practice because I'll try to talk to you about my spiritual ideas and you're like you need to stop or leave my apartment Do you know it's funny? I have become pigeonholed Into a certain type of person by you and our friends And what is that person by by by being like? rational and pretty funny I Joke around and then I get put into this role and I get put, so you guys think I, you guys, I know how you guys think of me. You think I'm this serious? I don't think you're serious.

You think I'm this, you think, you think I'm this serious guy who's oh, Caleb doesn't believe in crystals? Well I don't, but. You know what's funny though? I do catch myself. I do, I do. Do you ever catch yourself playing your role in a way, or like sometimes on this podcast specifically, I think I said this in the Chris episode, I'll try something on in the moment.

You ever try something on? You ever try on a personality trait and just like quickly discover that you actually don't like that one? You know what something on? You ever try on a personality trait and just quickly discover that you actually don't like that one? 100% You know what I mean? I'll try. But sometimes you get caught, you try something on.

Sometimes it's so quick that I did it with Chris. We're like, I'll try on something and I'll be like, oh, you know whatever. People who wear loose jeans or whores or whatever. I'll say some big opinion and then the other person either won't respond to it in the right way or they will and I won't like that. And then I'll be like, oh, that wasn't the thing I liked.

But do you ever try on a personality or an opinion for too long? All of a sudden you're weeks into it and you're like, what the fuck am I talking about? Do you know what I mean? I don't know if it's like a comedian or like an artist thing where I'm constantly, I'm always thinking about a point of view

and my little, you know. I don't know what it is, but sometimes I'll be like weeks into a thought and I'll be like, that's not a good thought. Totally, you know I'm there all the time. Well I think it's like yeah, so much of like being a performer, you're constantly thinking about your identity and yeah, like you said,

your point of view and then it's like, I'm in the house, I'm living alone for the first time, so I'll be singing like solo karaoke and I'm like, this is really powerful, you know, and then I'm like doing a spell like solo karaoke, and I'm like, this is really powerful, you know, and then I'm like doing a spell, lighting a candle, and it's like, this has to end, you know? The spells do have to stop. I know, the spells really have to end.

The spells and the crystals with you people, I cannot. I'm not a crystal girl. You may as well be. And I think, let a bitch have a rock. You may as well be. I'm sorry, but the sage and the... I don't sage, that's a close practice. Sorry, the fucking, whatever the fuck, the fucking... I can't even think of all the names. The shit that you guys do, you and the lesbians that you run around with,

it's just... I have a hard time with the tarot cards and stuff. Oh, I love a tarot card. I think a tarot reading would. Oh, it's fun. I just don't... Have you gotten one? What, tarot reading? Yeah. No, I have... Would you rather go to therapy or get a tarot reading? Have you gotten one? What, tarot reading? No, I have things to do. Would you rather go to therapy or get a tarot reading? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha No, I think I would benefit from therapy. I've done therapy. I benefited from it during the time I was in it, but then we quickly got to a point where I feel like I was in charge.

And I was like, well, I could do this at home. And honestly, I really believe that. I was like, well, I could probably figure that out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tarot, what is tarot? It's just a deck of cards and they say, oh, you're the Slytheri snake. Yeah, they have like, you know, each card has a meaning and I think it's not so much about oh like it's magic

I think it's about finding you know sort of it Whatever the tarot reading is being like, oh this idea, you know, I relate to where I don't taking what? Resonates and leaving the rest kind of thing. You do have anything you could put a candy wrapper on the table and say Yeah, you're gonna have a good future. I wait to it or I don't Why does it need to be a special little deck of cards? I don't know, it's like they're beautiful. Oh, I do think they're, I like the designs. I like the fool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know that makes a lot of sense for you. I like the fool. I thought about getting that one as a tattoo. No, Kayla! I like him. No, I'm obsessed with that. His little scepter or whatever.

No, it's cute. I like him. But can you get a tattoo if you don't like tarot? Oh, of course, you can do anything you want. That's true, that's true. I like you get a tattoo if you don't like tarot. Oh, of course you can do anything you want. There's nobody stopping you from doing anything pretty much all the time. No, that's true. I would like to exercise me free will a little more. Yeah. But do we have free will like that's a great question. I think

yes. I think yes. I'm time team. We have free will. I think we do too. What would be the alternative be that we don't. I think there are like certain limitations that. On free will? Yeah. What is the source of the limitation? The fascism. Fascism, well.

But we still have free will. We just might be met with. Yeah, consequences. Consequences, but the free will is there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do think about, you know, when you talk about like coming out and stuff, in terms of the conversation on fascism and how quickly we're seem to be headed there, people talk about

like, oh, you know, it's not fair to expect people to come out when things are getting so dangerous for being out again. And I'm like, oh, so what, you're going to die a coward's death So what you're gonna live in the closet because you were too scared of the consequences of being out It's time to come out I completely agree I just think like yeah, there's consequences but like let's be brave How about would you out someone? No, it's not my business to out them, but I would ridicule those who don't do it themselves No, it's not my business to out them, but I would ridicule those who don't do it themselves That's my that's my consequence for their free will I do and let look if you're like a trans teenager in Alabama Hey, keep shit tight

As long as you need to baby, I love you We're here for you when you're ready if you're a 35 year old project manager in Brooklyn Come on out. I don't want hear about the fear of coming out. Shut up about that and come out and fucking say that you're here because people need to know that we're everywhere. No, 100%. I think about free will when I think of that. Yeah, no that makes a lot of sense.

I remember coming out and like nobody gave a fuck. Like I was. Hey, hey I would have cared. No, I know. I like came out to my roommate and we were like sobbing outside of Lost Lake in Chicago. I was sobbing. I'm like on the ground like, I'm gay! And she was like, I... no. She was like, I don't care. And I was like, really? Like, not even like a...

Not even a little bit, huh? Yeah. Came out to like three people, same response each time. Did you have a crush on her? No. Nice. No, like good friend. It's no worries. Yeah, no worries.

Did you like anyone you came out to? I know you came out as bi first, which is one of my favorite things about you. I did, which is beautiful. That's beautiful. Did I have a crush on anyone I came out to? That's beautiful. Do I have a question I came out to? I, the first person I ever properly came out to

was a guy that I was hooking up with. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're like giving him a hand job, he's like, yeah, I know, you know. Yeah, well we were hooking up in high school and I had suspected that he was gay because of all of his behaviors. Yeah, yeah. His voice and his way way walked and everything and so I

Invited him over to hang out one-on-one when my mom was at work And I was like you should go over and hang out sometime He was like I would love to and I was like okay, you know And then he came over and we did I made some moves which are the scariest moves you'll ever make Oh my god, yeah, you're in the closet and you're making a move on someone that you don't know if they're gay or not, uh, like the most horrifying things. And everything is so, you think you're being so overt, but everything's so subtle. You're like handing them a drink and like grazing

their hand with your pinky and being like, fuck, I just gave him a hand job. You're like, it feels so overt and brazen, you know? And then yeah, we came out to each other and then we're hooking up for a while. Okay, so the coming out happened before the hookup. No, the hookup happened and then it was like. No, the hookup happened and then I immediately took a shower.

I didn't know what else to do. I was just like, I'm all gross. So I went and took a shower and he just hung out in my room. Yeah, washed off the sin. And then he was like, did you just take a shower? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, OK. And I was like, so are you gay?

And he was like, I think so. And I was like, same. We're still good friends to this day. Oh, I love that so much. I mentioned his name in an interview recently when I was telling that story in a big publication that I was like, people will, I don't know if they're going to run it or not. But I text him and I was like, hey, I don't want to like, I don't know if they're gonna run it or not,

but I text him and I was like, hey, I don't wanna like, I don't know if you're cool with me talking about this, but I said your name and I talked a little bit about us. Do you want me to text him and tell them to cut it? And he was like, no, no, that's fine. And then they didn't end up running it anyway, so it was no big deal. But yeah, he's still a good friend of mine today.

Oh my God, I love that. Love that guy. I love that so much. Yeah, anyway. Now I good friend of mine today. Oh my god. I love that. I love that guy. Yeah, that's so much. Yeah anyway Now I'm gay all the time. I know same part-time gay back then gay full-time now Yeah, I've been kind of on a pause as a job pretty much you've been on a pause from gay. Yeah, I've been really ramping it up I'm getting gayer and gayer. I'm like worried about my 30s. No, I think it's gonna be really good I'm worried about my 40s. Actually, I don't know how I might be locked in by 40 locked in on gay. Yeah, like locked in husband. Hopefully sooner than that. Yeah, but that's what I'm

saying. I think you're gonna be like about 15 years into a marriage. Well, no, no, just running the math. Just running the math and I'd have to get started about five years ago. Um, you want marriage? No, no, don't do it. I'm just running the math. I'm just running the math and I'd have to get started about five years ago. You want marriage? No. No, you don't want marriage? No. No. Kids?

No. Disgusting. You want kids? Yeah, sorry. How many, three? Look, here's the deal. The further I get into my gorgeous lifestyle, the more I wonder how much I want kids.

My lifestyle is so beautiful. And when I think about my lifestyle, I think I might love it more than I love children. I do feel like- I love my lifestyle. I love kids. You do love kids and you're so good with kids and I can see you having a kid and being like,

oh, I made a mistake. Well. Well. I've wanted a dog for a year and haven't been able to justify it. You know what I mean? So I do worry. I told my mom recently, I was like, I think I'm going to get a dog in private and not post about it or anything so that if I don't like it, I can return it without getting it. And she was like, I don't want to get in trouble with people. She was like, are you serious? I was like, no, obviously I'm kidding. If I get the dog, I'm keeping it. But with a kid, you to get in trouble with people. She's like are you serious? I was like no, I feel like I'm kidding if I get the dog I'm keeping it but with a kid you really are locked in with them

You really are locked in and some people do have kids and they regret it and like that's fair And it's too bad because they're your their your immutable property. Yeah, my parents regretted it for sure. You think oh, yeah I kind of know oh fuck Did that have an impact on you? You know I think you know me pretty well. Yeah, I can see the tendrils of that. I can see the ripples of that. Folks, everybody makes excuses from time to time. Hey, even me. When was the last time you needed to go to a doctor but you pushed it off? You make excuses like, oh, I'm too busy or it'll be on its own or I don't know which doctor to go to. I think we've all been there. Booking a doctor appointment can just feel so daunting. But thanks to ZocDoctor, there's

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doctor, you can see their actual appointment openings. Choose a time slot that works for you and click to instantly book a visit. The clicking is back. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash so true to find an instantly book a top rated doctor today that's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash so true ZocDoc.com slash so true Yeah, I do like if I find someone who wants kids and it feels like we could do kids I would love to do kids and I would love to do three or four kids But if I found someone who wanted zero kids, I would do zero kids If I found someone who wanted one kid, I would zero kids if I wanted one kid I would do one kid

flexible I don't want a wedding oh god I hate weddings I feel like you would throw like a party or something you would do something I'll do a party I'll do a party but no gifts no dress code no no sending out a fucking piece of paper in the mail and begging someone to come to wherever I'm at. Oh god I hate weddings weddings are I have a lot of fun when I'm at them, but I'm really bad about like getting gifts I'm really bad about being like a respectful Guest in that way of I have a really tough time with them. Yeah, I'm I do tend to have fun at weddings Oh, I'll have a blast once I get there. I just don't I don't like the implication. It's so presumptuous

It really is so presumptuous. Yeah, I'm gonna come to Cedar Rapids What or even when they're travel destinations, it's like you gotta be fucking kidding me I just really if I ever had a wedding I would have to be rich enough where I could pay for everyone because I'm like I'm not gonna ask a bunch of people to do this. Yeah, like I don't feel I'd like to get married at the courthouse. Yeah, and then I'd like to send an email or a text or something You send a particle basically To everyone we love and just say hey, we got married. We're gonna throw a party in three months come if you want no dress code

No gifts if you can't make it. We do not care. Yeah. Yeah. Love you to death. Goodbye No, that's that's that's if I got married for like insurance or something. I'd do the same thing married for insurance How are you by the way? Hey, let me tell you my boss won't give me insurance so really yeah, I signed a contract and everything But he's pretty loaded. Yeah, just give you insurance. I completely agree a fault up three times. Yeah, so you know marriage looking pretty good Yeah, I do it. I'd be your surrogate. I like pretty cool. I'm yeah Yeah, I'm pretty pretty close, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty close to asking you about that.

Yeah. That's like all I've ever wanted. I'm pretty close to being like, do you wanna just get married for the benefits? Whatever gay guy I find, we'll just be like buddies. You and I'll have a kid. He can help out with the kid if he wants to. Maybe we'll have like one special night.

No, we'd go to the doctor. You and Holmes both with this. Every lesbian I ask to have my kids are both, are both, it's always with the, can we do it the old school way? No, there'll be test tubes involved. Oh, I'm not doing shots. There's only one shot I do. You don't have to do shots,

but you're gonna go to the doctor for the semen. I'm not, we're not having sex. It's just messy. Literally. Well, if you ever change your mind, you know how I feel. I won't push. You wanna do a voicemail?

A voicemail? You wanna do a voicemail from the fans? Oh my God, yes. Would that be kind of fun? That'd be so fun. I always forget to do it because I'm always chit chatting the day away, but with you, I feel so comfortable.

I love that. Let's hear it. Okay, put on your little headphones. Do you feel like a lot of these are unhinged? My fans are, yeah, they're not hinged, I'll tell you that much. Which one's the right, oh, I found it, okay. Yeah, my fans are a special group of people

that are going through a series of circumstances. And I gotta say, I'm gonna need your help again. And I don't think this one's on me. Oh. Oh. Oh. Okay. Got it. Let's hear it. Hey, Caleb and guests. I'm just wondering and wanting to know the truth about where bugs go when it starts to get freezing cold outside.

Do they go underground? I know you're not a scientist, but I feel like you might know the answer to this. Thanks Okay What are you loving them by the way? Yeah, yeah question loving them. What do I think where bugs go? They probably die right? I think they do die. I know they die Worms go underground. Yeah They probably die, right? I think they do die. Don't they die? Worms go underground, I know that. Mosquitoes seem to be here year round.

Yeah, they're comfortable in all of it. That was a really good question and I don't know. I'm gonna, you don't think all bugs die? Do they go south? Where would we get new bugs? All right, Chance, hey, you're making too much sense, brother. Stay out of here, Chance said, they can't all die, where would we get new bugs? All right, Chance, hey, you're making too much sense, brother. Stay out of here. Chance said, if they can't all die, where would we get new bugs?

Then he's right. I mean, I'll tell you where the cockroaches are. Are they at your place? Absolutely. What? Oh, that's gross. No, not at this place, but at my last place. Oh, well, you had mice at my last place. Oh, well you had rat you had mice in your last place relax

I was sitting on the dang couch and I saw a fucking Scurry up the wall. Well, no one told us I did I told you immediately You told us but I remember home state and and later they were like, yeah They're about like three mice and I was like, what the fuck? I said, yeah, I immediately I said you guys have mice It's really bad. Yeah that's gross. Not anything you can control though. That's just New York City I think. I know I know.

Doesn't happen at my place but. I know I just I have a lot of guilt for how we got rid of them. How did you get rid of them? Just like those the kind of in, the snap. I would cry every single time. I started getting candles, I'd put them in my window for each one. The sort of inhum... snap. Would you hear them get snapped? They'd cry, they'd cry, and I couldn't handle it.

They'd cry! I don't feel good about this, I don't feel good. They'd cry! They'd cry! It's the silent of the lamb. I think it's not my iPhone alarm and it'd just be. They'd cry, they'd cry and then you would. You would light candles for them?

Yeah. That's the kind of shit I'm talking about. I felt healing but then it was sort of like, well maybe we just like do this in a more or the glue ones we do too. Oh god and they're fucking. They're like. They're like. They start trying to gnaw their own shit off.

It doesn't work. Yeah, that's really sad. Well, I wanted to get the ones that like, you know, it just closes in on them and then you can bring them to the park. Well, our neighbors told us they were like, don't do that because we did that. We brought them to the park

and the minute that he got out, Hawk swooped down. Much more painful death. You'd rather be snapped. Don't you think, being captured by a hawk? I'd rather be snapped. What would you, given your choice, you'd rather be stuck to a glue thing till you die, captured by Hawk or snapped?

I think captured by a hawk, go more a natural way. I'm going snapped. I want to die quick and I don't want to know what happened. I want something to just fucking, you know? Definitely not captured by a hawk. I don't want know what happened. I want something to just fucking, you know? Yeah. Definitely not captured by a hawk. I don't wanna be cucked on my way out. And glue trap is so pathetic.

Like, oh, I'm stuck. I know, the stuck. I can't even think about it. I could cry. You did that to living beings. No, I'm sorry. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. The thing is Carly really will cry

and I can't actually be responsible. I can't be responsible for that today. No, I bullied my roommate. It would be so, it would be so horrible to be captured by Hawk. Cause not only are you gonna die, but you're also, you're like a loser, pathetic, you're getting bullied by a bird.

I don't know, it's a cycle of nature, and like to be fair, I've had my own experiences with Hawks where... What? What? What happened? One time I was like ziplining and... Oh my god, yeah I know about this. And you know I was having a great time, I didn't realize but I got off the zipline and kids were really upset and I... I had body checked a hawk to death, fell right out of the sky, died. Were you covered in blood or anything? No, no, the bird was.

Sort of kind of like an omen for the rest of my life. My parents literally got divorced two weeks later. Sorry, just so I'm up on the story, because I know the story, but I just wanna make sure I'm understanding fully. You were ziplining. You hit a hawk in the air. It died.

Your parents got divorced. Yeah. And so the zipline, we were in Montana, so it's like one time they were like, one time a guy was ziplining and like a mountain lion was kind of jumping up at him. Really scary. So they named the zipline after him

and then they named that zipline Carly Birdkill. Carly Birdkill? That didn't feel good. How was your parents marriage before the hawk? Was it healthy? Like I said, they didn't want kids. It would be so funny if everything was pretty good before the hawk. I would say things were like we didn't quite, I didn't really know how bad it was, but I wouldn't say it was great. Yeah. Well, my favorite story probably about anyone ever is the fact that your dad gets frisked

before he walks into establishments in your hometown, and they're not looking for a gun or a weapon. They're frisking him for a harmonica. Yeah. Because he won't stop playing harmonica. He literally will not stop playing harmonica. It's really bad. He ruined a lot of, you know, we'd be at like an Applebee's

and it'd be music night, and he'd disappear. And ruined a lot of, you know, we'd be at like an Applebee's and it'd be music night and he'd disappear. And we'd be like, where the fuck is he? And he is just kind of creeping up on this poor 19 year old, you know, Mumford and Sons looking guy. And he's just ripping on the harmonica so off key. And this poor kid is like, you know, like horrified. And we would just leave the restaurant. We'd be like, get up and go.

We'd be like, dad's up there and we gotta go. And we left him at so many places. He does it at weddings. He literally has asked at like big concerts. And they're like, you can't play. It's my favorite. It's my favorite thing about anyone ever to be a guy who's so insistent on playing the harmonica that there are like public safety systems being put in place in a mutual aid

fashion. People are coming together and sharing information to stop this guy from playing the harmonica. And he has a case on him always. Oh my god, he's iconic. He'll play in the car, picking us up from school. I mean, now it's like, he's gotten pretty good. He's like in a band now. And I'm so sorry, Dad, but even.

I'll go and see him perform, because he is good now, you know, and I want to support his dreams. He's been practicing. Even on these nights, it's like a full band, right? So everyone gets their solos and they have to tell my dad to stop. They're like, hey, Kevin, it's time for the bassist. You know, he's completely unaware. He fucking loves harmonica, dude.

That's beautiful. It is beautiful, but it's kind of like, read a room. Oh my god, that's fucking hilarious. For even his own band to have to be like, man, we're happy to give you your moment, but it's gotta be a moment. Oh, it gives me the ick. I'm like watching all these 50 year old men

look at each other to like how to get my dad to stop because his solo's over. They're like, they're like. And I'm like recording trying to be supportive and then I just have to like kind of put the, put the phone down. Have to cut out the lead singer making, ah, is that my dad to stop playing harmonica? Oh my fucking god, dude.

Probably have a segment for you. Let's go. You ready for this? Yep. Alright, this is an iconic segment on the show. The true or false segment. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think it's true or false.

If you get 10 or more correct, I'm going to give you $50 US dollars. Are you serious? I'm very serious in the way that we'll see. But you ready? China only has one time zone. False. True. California produces more toothpicks than any other state in the US.

True. False. Maine. Bald Eagles can swim. False. True. I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself today on this podcast. The singer Pink is from Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania. That's false because she's from my hometown and And you have something to say about that and I

Bridge over troubled waters. I sang the solo and she was the last person to sing it. I didn't do well Okay, zip code stands for zoning identification pin True false zone improvement plan a group of a dozen or more cows is called a flink false true the math You're only gonna get the doils done The mascot of Columbia College Chicago is a barista. False. Well, it's the renegades, technically. More Siberian tigers live in zoos than in the wild. True. True.

Apples are the most consumed fruit in the world. True. False. Mangoes. Steel is 100% recyclable. Say that again. Steel is 100% recyclable. Say that again. Steel is 100% recyclable. True. True. Australia is the only continent without an active volcano. True. True. Paul Giamatti's dad was the commissioner of Major League Baseball for five months. True. True. There are 10 planets in our solar system. Oh fucking God. False. False. There's eight. A Chicago handshake is a shot of Malort in a PBR.

True. False, shot of Malort in an old style. The PSP came out after the PlayStation 3. True. False, how'd she do? Seven. Oof, yikes. It's pretty rough, I failed out of high school,

so just keep that in mind. Didn't you go to college? I did, it was a... I kind of, of... No worries. No worries. Actually, don't even worry about that. I don't know what kind of trouble we're gonna get you into with different accrediting.

I don't wanna do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Karla Kane, what's so true to you? So many things, Caleb. Oh, yeah? So you prepared them. What's so true to me is that I think if you're going to be polyamorous you gotta take a course. Don't get me started, darlin'.

I, I, listen, I like the ideas of polyamory. I'm all about, you know, not going for the nuclear family. However, I want to see you at SUNY taking a fucking four week course on to get certified. SUNY new Paltz. Yeah. There's a lot of malpractice out here. And it would be new Paltz. Yeah, it would be new Paltz. You want to take me bowling and then, you know, fuck me in your girlfriend's bed.

I want to see that certificate slamming against the wall. And that's what's so true to me. I mean, how do you feel about Paul Amory? Oh, I don't know. I abhor it. I abhor it. I don't understand. What are you talking about?

One person is not good enough for you. Get a grip That's what I'm saying. Who has the time who has the time and also like oh My god, look it's like fucking communicate. Nobody's talking. I don't I just my problem is they're talking too much There there's too much communication from where I'm at you had a different situation, but I'm like I'm like, oh had a different situation, but I'm like, I'm like, oh God, the fucking like, hey, tonight, you're my primary and you'll always be my primary and you know that.

But tonight, my secondary and my tertiary, we wanna go to paintball and we're just, we wanna go to paintball with just us, but that's not because we don't love you, it's just like, sometimes when you love someone you need to give them space. And I'm just like, shut the fuck up! Shut up!

I know, I'm just saying like, I feel like people that are polyamorous, the people that you are then like dating, spend their entire lives processing what you're putting them through and it's like fucking stop. Just stop or like just read a fucking book. Yeah, I tell my poly friends all the time, I wish you would stop.

Steve Hernandez, Steve Hernandez is one of my most famous poly friends, I'm not kidding, I texted him three days ago and said, I wish you loved your wife. Enough to only want her. I do feel like he does do Polly and Marie, right? Their relationship is beautiful, they're really killing it. But it's like one of the only Polly cases.

It's one of the only Polly cases, it's very few and far between and I just think like, let's just put a little effort into it. Those two were really meant to find each other. I agree. It's crazy. They have a beautiful, beautiful partnership. They have a beautiful love. And I don't think it's because of Polly.

I think Polly is able to, I think Polly is able to work with them because their love could survive anything. Yes, yes, 100%. Yeah, I don't think their love is beautiful because of Polly. I think their love is beautiful in spite of Polly. Totally.

Do you know what I mean? And now they've got a kid in that freak show. Golly. There goes the clicks. I'll be getting a text about that. Hey, do we want to leave this one in or no? We'll leave it in. Steve will like that. And so will Julia. And so will Hilda someday. She won't appreciate it yet. She's too young, but someday she'll appreciate that. Beautiful child. Someday, someday when I'm long gone off this earth, Hilda will watch this episode and, and appreciate who I was in her life.

You're gonna be here for a long time. A guy she saw for a couple, once a, once every year, once every year or so. Yeah. You think I'm gonna live a long time? Yeah. When do you think I'll die? I think mid eighties.

Whoa. I do not see that for me. What, what do you think I'll die? I think mid 80s. Whoa, I do not see that for me. What do you mean? I think I'll either live forever and literally never die, like I'll be the first person they figure that out with, or... Pretty soon. I'll tell you what, I'm getting hit by a bus before 45. You think so?

100%. Oh my goodness. I think I'm gonna die in some kind of vehicular situation. That's horrible. I'm just so bad at driving. You should move to that island off Michigan, where they don't do cars. I really think, yeah. That'd be good for you.

You need to go to the woods. Don't you know it? I see it for you. Yeah, I'll be living in the woods eventually. Yeah, I know. You'll have a farm or something. Yeah. That'd be so cute.

You know what's something interesting I learned? What? Only 10% of people die by it sort of something like that 90% of people die by disease Well Carly thank you so much for being on this was a lot of fun I'm obsessed with you as well. That was a very strange thing to say and I'm really off put That bringing up disease in that way was crazy. I know I'm just like learning a lot about death right now So I know you're like training to be a death doula. I really want to talk about that We'll talk about it on the patreon. Sorry guys. We gotta go. Love you to death Do you want to tell people where to find you?

You can find me on, you know, these destroyed meta platforms. I'd say Instagram, I'm on the most. Yeah, iCarlyKane, at iCarlyKane. You're one of the only handles I think I know. Oh my God, that could literally make me cry. That's crazy. That's the thing?

We have such a beautiful friendship and that's the thing that moves you into tears? Well, it's just one of the things. You know I've like cried in front of you all the time. I do know that. That's crazy. That's the thing? We have such a beautiful friendship and that's the thing that moves you into tears? Well, it's just one of the things. You know I like cry in front of you all the time. I do know that. Love ya. Love you. That was a hate gum podcast. Hey, it's Nicole Byer here. Let me ask you something. Are you tired of endless swiping on dating apps?

Fed up with awkward first dates and disappointing hookups? Girl, same. Welcome to Why Won't You Date Me, the podcast where I figure out love and how to suck less at dating. Each week, I get real with comedians, friends, and celebrities about their love lives. We swap dating horror stories, awkward hookups, and dive into the messy and wonderful world

of relationships. I've chatted with amazing guests like Conan O'Brien, Whitney Cummings, Sarah Silverman, Trixie Mattel, Tiffany Haddish, and so many more. So whether you're single, mingling, or boot up, there's something in it for everyone. Tune into Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer, and discover insights that might just save you from your next dating disaster. Listen and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts,

and catch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes drop every Friday.