So True with Caleb Hearon - Chris Fleming Returns

Episode Date: January 9, 2025

Welcome back, y’all! This week is the return of the one and only Chris Fleming! Chris and Caleb talk Moon Ceremonies, examining various types of soil, Chris living in a very dangerous house, a certain childhood nickname, and so much more! Subscribe to our YouTube channel for full video episodes! Join our Patreon for an exclusive extended interview with Chris and other bonus content!   Follow Chris! @chrisflemingflemingFollow the show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud There’s nothing dry about Athletic Brewing Co. non-alcoholic brews. Give it a try and head to https://www.Athleticbrewing.com/SOTRUE to find it near you! Head to https://www.squarespace.com/SOTRUE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code SOTRUE About Headgum: Headgum is an LA & NY-based podcast network creating premium podcasts with the funniest, most engaging voices in comedy to achieve one goal: Making our audience and ourselves laugh. Listen to our shows at https://www.headgum.com. » SUBSCRIBE to Headgum: https://www.youtube.com/c/HeadGum?sub_confirmation=1  » FOLLOW us on Twitter: http://twitter.com/headgum  » FOLLOW us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/headgum/ » FOLLOW us on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum So True is a Headgum podcast, created and hosted by Caleb Hearon. The show is produced by Chance Nichols with Associate Producer Allie Kahan and Executive Producer Emma Foley. So True is engineered by Casey Donahue and engineered and edited by Nicole Lyons. Kaiti Moos is our VP of Content at Headgum. Thanks to Luke Rogers for our show art and Virginia Muller our social media manager.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I think the last like four or five times I've tried to hang out with you there's been some issue with your house in the woods. My chandelier just blew up. Caleb, Caleb, Caleb, I'm not kidding. You realize that we're recording now and so you have to be careful. Oh, mere seconds ago, Chris. Since you parked?

Yeah, the second I parked, they turned the mics on. I felt Chance's sneaky arm put a little GoPro. Chance is always touching our guests inappropriately. You realize that we're recording on Chance's 30th birthday. Yes, yes. Chance's birthday. Give it up for Chance's birthday. Why would he wish him a big happy birthday?

Yeah, you gave him a gift. I saw that. Yeah. I was going to get him a gift. I saw that. Uh, yeah. I was gonna give him a gift. I was looking at a gift to bring here to the studio today and then he asked me to go to dinner and I said, well, if I'm going to dinner... I'm not getting you a box of cigars and going to Rouse Hollywood. I was gonna give him a koi.

What? You know, a koi pond but one koi. You were gonna give him just one single koi? Yeah. Yeah, he would have appreciated that. He's a very grateful young man. He supplies the koi pond. I supply the koi? Yeah. Yeah, he would have appreciated that. He's a very grateful young man. He supplies the koi pond, I supply the koi. He's a very grateful, formerly young man.

Yes. 30. 30 feels good on him. 30 looks good on him. He looks like a solid 30. We were talking about it. And 30 is the first time I exhaled in my entire life. Really?

What were your 20s like? Tell me about your 20s. I was bouncing around. Yeah. I was true Tigger mode You were going Tigger? Yeah, you know, I had this I still have this wonderful friend Jer And I I would be going too hard right in college and after I would ever I would never I was hamming up too much He would go behind me and he'd go. All right, Chris

He would go behind me and he'd go, all right, Chris. All right, Chris. All right, Chris. Like a clown whisperer. Why is he Matthew McConaughey? He is. He has a Southern accent. He's from Brookline, Mass. And I got to say, Caleb, I mean, you, the glow up here, because last time we recorded,

it was in like a DOI checkpoint. And can you believe people miss that? People miss that studio. They miss when things were simple. I kind of hear that. They recognize that I've gone Hollywood. Yeah, there it's a little I mean, yeah, you're a company man now. You've noticed a shift in me during our friendship. I can feel it. You and do you want to speak on that? It's a space for you to speak. Oh, no, I actually haven't. Chris. Chris, Chris not doing my bit. No! Chris, Chris going, oh, I'm not going to do that one.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Let's just go back to Jer. Sorry. Let's go back to Jer. Let's go back to Jer McConaughey. Let's go back to the old studio. Oh, well, you know what I was going to tell you? Chan's taking out the carbon monoxide battery detectors so we could get a clean take.

You know what I was gonna tell you? What? I had a crazy day today. Okay. I flew from JFK airport in New York to Los Angeles. Okay. 10 year old girl crossed the aisle from me. I don't know what she does for work.

To be in first class. She's a plagiarist is what she is. If she's in first class as a, whoa. She's in first class. Okay. See we're in the old studio in a way Things are falling apart in here Come I got in a fight with head gum on the last episode. Yeah. Yeah, they had to release a statement

Yeah, because I said the studios in New York shouldn't be in Manhattan. They're in Manhattan Look at the freaks who do head gum show You seen one well-adjusted person sitting in front of this fucking thing? No. No, it's guys with glasses facing away from the camera. So as I was saying last episode. Just shaking.

Yeah, nobody, no respectable Manhattan person should have to see the freaks and ghouls. No. That habitate the headgum universe The subreddit? The- Is there a- Headgum should just be Phoenix It should be in Phoenix

Yeah, let's just move it to Phoenix, Arizona Yeah I'll go out there Yeah In one of the tunnels What the hell, why not? But- I could see you cleaning up in Phoenix

Oh god, you know Chris You know what, you ask me- okay, I've been thinking about what you asked me. Have I seen a change in you? And I have. What is it? Well, I've seen mostly, you've become a man of many disguises. And whenever you're showing up all over the place,

am I for you, Paige? But it's you in various costumes. But you wear these costumes, it's from a clip of a podcast, and you're wearing a costume Like I think at one point you it was a minions piece. I've won I've worn one single cost no and no there was one where you look like a mirage a man would see in the desert where You were like dressed like a chicken bone

Okay, I've worn two costumes Stavros halkeus made me put on a fucking turkey for his podcast cuz he has no respect for me This is what I was gonna ask you. There's no respect for me. No one does There's a stillness to you in these costumes that that makes it seems like when you put a costume on a dog and they look and They go on movement strike Yeah, that's You're completely statuesque Yeah in these cars, but you're by your the clips clips I see are always at a point where you've forgotten,

I think you're in the costume. Yeah. So you're genuinely speaking about something, you know, student council or whatever. HAHAHAHAHAHA! You fool. HAHAHAHA! And you got- Dragged my whole shit, okay?

It's you, Brittany, and Drew, which has major back of the bus band camp energy. Yeah. On band trip. Yeah, I call these ruckus back there. Yeah,-bus band camp energy. Yeah on band trip. Yeah Rock us back there. Yeah, you're the drum major. Yeah, okay Interesting. Yeah, you put me in a leadership role. Oh, yeah, of course. Thank you You don't feel that you think that the me wearing the costumes is a change that you've noticed in me. Yep Okay, you're you're a masquerading as things now. Yeah, I'm putting on I go Who is this then I have to reverse Google search the eyes and I see that's Caleb in there

You couldn't tell it was me in the minion costume Yeah, don't get up. Who's this? Huh? This is pompadour. Wait, you got away from my story Yeah, yeah, sorry ten-year-old across the aisle ten-year-old. Mm-hmm. What does she do on this flight six hours transcontinental flight? Yeah First of all, she goes in hot two hours of extremely focused eyes next to the screen anime Two hours of anime glued to the screen. Okay, and I'm so I'm starting to take notice of her behaviors before I fell asleep She ordered four diet cokes She is glued to the screen Elvis died Pounding diet cokes watching anime then when I

wake up she is in the middle of taking I'm not kidding what I witnessed 200 selfies then she kicks her uggs off into the aisle and turns on clueless okay I'm addicted to her I can't get enough then when they bring around the warm chocolate chip cookies they give you one the polar Express you're been Delta one and feed you the new get Delta? Delta One, very nice experience. Delta, I love what you're doing on it. Delta One. Delta One.

What can I say? Delta One, the lie down pods. You're in the lie down pod. They only do it in New York to LA in the States and back and forth. Maybe Boston to San Francisco or something as well. Where there's like a shower. Yeah, well I wish.

Some of those people. Chris, don't get me started, some of those people Chris don't get Chris don't get me started some of those people today I was those people today actually was a low point for me and traveled today was the first time I wore sleep pants to The airport sleep like PJs. Yeah. Yeah, I am officially somebody I've been to test like I've been Guardian I do. Oh, yeah, it's I'm just over I can't anymore. No, I hate traveling so much at this point Oh me too. Oh when they brought the hot hot cookies around she asked if she could have two more. I Feel like you're gonna find that she's probably like Like some someone's daughter, you know, that's probably we're all someone's daughter Chris, but

I'm trying to have a serious episode with you this time. We're all someone's daughter. I saw everything capital- ever the first letter of every one of those words capitalized. We're all someone's daughter, Chris. Don't you find? I mean, like, she's probably like Natasha Bendingfield's daughter, and she's probably... Natasha Bendingfield's daughter? Yeah. She's probably like some pop star.

She probably has massive following. She's probably gonna be in star that we don't. She probably has massive following. She's probably gonna be in the Rachel Sennett show. Everyone's in the Rachel Sennett show. Everyone's daughter is in Rachel Sennett show. I think they should for that show, they should record in front of a live audience at Gen Z and it's just silent. And then occasionally someone just goes, I'm laughing.

We can have you do that. You can get paid for that. That'd be nice. With my team, I'm not getting paid for that. That's tough to hear. Cause we share a manager. I know. It's really tough to hear. I'm not including Olivia on that. She's good. She'll get me paid. You're doing very well, Chris clips everywhere. People loving Chris Fleming. People loving Caleb way more. People loving Chris Fleming. Well, I appreciate that.

I'm loving everything you're posting. You've been on fire. You've always been great. You know that you're one of my favorites. And you don't want me to be earnest. I know you don't want me to be earnest. But I'm being earnest now. OK.

I'm entering earnest hour. OK. You've always been one of my favorites. OK. But you've been on fire. Thanks. You've really killing it lately. I'm really loving everything I'm seeing.

Well, I decided. What am I saving it for? Yeah. Put it out. What are you waiting? What are you holding onto it for? The cavalry's not coming, baby. Yeah, it's just us. Yeah, man. It's just me and you.

What am I gonna hoard material? Rogue artists on the road. Put it out, man. You're a road dog. Kinda. Waxahatchee is making me do her birthday show, okay? Okay, who? Waxahatchee, you know her song, her music?

I know, you're 15 steps ahead of me. Incredible. I only know about the Dixie chicks. Been on the show. They've changed their name, Chris. They're just the chicks now. Mm. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Mm. I was gonna figure they were like the Dixie women or something yeah Dixie gals but they they kept the chicks we should be the Dixie gals we are in my group in my group chat with each other we're so close to having a show together we're so close to having a show together you know they're working well oh yeah but that's people I mean it's like it's gonna you have to go viral every day of your life. I think I am. You are.

I'm trying so hard. And then on our deathbeds we get comics to watch. Yeah, we get JFL. We get JFL. JFL, what a fucking racket. Well, Vancouver is, I think it's like a phantom limb. JFL Vancouver is like, I think it's like the, they claim to still be doing it. JFL is a money laundering front.

JFL New Faces is always like 17, 20 year olds with 375,000 followers on every platform. That's what I'm talking about. Who were signed by UTA when they were six. Did Shirley Temple have a follower when they discovered her? I love how people are like, you got someone kid. Yeah. Yeah a viable business For the last 25 years a business manager who manages a six hundred thousand dollar a year touring business is what they have Yeah, a new face right? Oh this fucking business. It's making me you and I you and I we know there's something else Well, we're we're tortoises Olivia's got tortoises. You and I, we know there's something else out there. Well, we're tortoises.

Olivia's got tortoises. Yeah, what's big on that? You know. Hunched. Slow, no, it's like, Hunched and slow. Hunched and slow. It's just kind of,

We're gonna pop in, I'm gonna pop in my late 60s. You think? Oh yeah. I think you've popped. I think you're gonna pop again. Really? You're gonna pop some more along the way. Do you ever feel like, like oh my god like with the New Year's thing? It's like oh my god. I gotta do that again Another year. Yeah, how are you doing?

Mean career what no I don't mean in life. Okay good you're liking being alive Checking in yeah You call an animal control the the other hand. Another year of work. You know what's really funny? Yeah. I was with Brittany Broski right before this. Yeah. And she said... I thought I sniffed a little Broski on you. Yeah, there's a little Broski in the air. Yeah. I said, I'm going to record with Chris Flemming. I'm so excited. She said, how are you going to get in the zone to be on that guy's level? I said, I'm not. I'm going to bring a trink gun and I'm going to sedate him so that we can be on the same level, because I can't get to where he is.

You got to grab him by the ears, say, we have to get through this. And I will at some point, I'm sure. We have to be professional. Chris, please, please, this is head go. We're not in the social security office that you used to record in Instead of all this it was just chunks of insulation on the wall

It is it is annoying that Muna gets to do their show in here they do I don't like sharing a space with those lesbians Goodness, I mean what the heck is going on with those three? I love to... I recently found myself accepted into the lesbian elite. Have you not always been? No. No. You had trouble getting into the lesbian elite? Well, you gotta be careful. You gotta kinda, you know, yeah. You go, you go out. You go in, you go out.

You dip a toe into the lesbian elite circles. And then you get out. And then you get out. Yeah. When they start doing this stuff And then you get out. Yeah. When they start doing this stuff by the fire. Yeah. I mean, you're kidding, but I've gone to lesbian parties and they're literally doing that by the fire.

Caleb, I'm not kidding. Do you know how many full moon ceremonies I've been invited to? Yeah. To see the way they relate to the moon, it is astonishing. It's astonishing. Yeah. Being friends with an LA lesbian is not for the faint of heart. You have no idea how much gratitude you can express.

You have no idea how much reflecting and checking in can be done until you've hung out with an LA lesbian. Yeah. You have no idea the intentions you can write down and set on fire and give them over to the universe. Burn this. You have no idea No.

what twigs can mean. Do they ever switch clothes with you? Well, no. Yeah. None of them are big enough Katie Gavin small she's always switching clothes with me really well. I only happened once actually okay at Largo What happened in the middle of a podcast she goes come with me? Recording and she tears me backstage and we swap shirts tells you a sunder tears me a sunder and then I come back out Wearing her clothes what shirt did you end up in?

It was it was a barely there situation. Yeah, it was very it was very revealing. That's nice Yeah, the kind of thing my grandfather's looking down on and going Yeah, your grandfather, huh? Yeah, call me butch what you used to call me butch And I don't know I don't know he did I don't know. No chance. I don't know. He did. I don't know if it was ironic or if he was trying to, like, manifest it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, manly.

My manly grandson. Yeah. Let's jump the car. Ah, good to be a boy, is it not? Hey, Butch. Hey, Butch. Bye, bye, bag. Hi.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm covered in hula hoops. Bye-bye, Beg. Hi! Hahahaha! I'm covered in hula hoops. You can just see my eyes. Hi! What were you like as a kid? I was shy, but I wrote Chris the Comedian. I would sign my name Chris the Comedian in kindergarten. Stop it.

Yeah. Yeah. That's adorable. And also horrifying. They're moaning in the producer's studio. Yeah. That's adorable, but a horrifying mark of a sociopath. I think totally Chris the entertainer

Being like I will the masses will listen. Yeah, they were like yeah Chris gonna make me. Yeah, he's not getting into it yet He's saving it and I didn't speak until I was three. Yeah, I could see us being kind of similar as kids Very sensitive you and me. Yeah, what were you like? I was very sensitive. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like I was very sensitive yeah yeah yeah I was really I was really I was really a soft it's pathetic it was pathetic no no it was so sad no it's you get I didn't know how to be tough yeah now I'm strong yeah you know I was very sensitive kid yeah yeah when did you get when'd you get tough well in high school you were a narc, right? You're open about it. You're 100% right, but to have a dear friend look at me and say, in high school you were a narc, right?

So brutal. I think about that story. So brutal. I don't wanna burn your- No, I was such a, yeah, I was boring in high school. I was so boring in high school. You know this. I was such a little freak. Not in the fun way either. Other kids, I was a freak high school. I was so boring in high school. You know this I Was such a little freak not in the fun way either other kids

I was a freak in the way where like I really thought student government mattered it did I got that we were making big differences What was your role in student government? Well school spirit chair? What were some days someday? Oh golly well, I'll tell you a day that caused controversy That's when we had dressed up like Principal Shero Day. Okay. Some kids took some liberties. Well, yeah, and is Principal Shero ready to be seen like that?

Yeah. Well, he was not a fat man, but he just was a, he was a, he was, he had a little bit of a tummy, a tiny tummy. He was a thin guy, really. He had a healthy plunge. Bunch of people put pillows in their shirts. Of course.

And he did, I don't think he loved that And I think they have limited tools. Yeah, what are they gonna do prosthetics? I can't do like a nose or anything. No a soul pet. What kind of facial hair? I watched a little soul pet a little like a little goatee. Yeah, I watched him take a picture with three Like good-looking teenage boys Wearing pillows in their shirts to imitate him and I saw a pain in his eyes that I hadn't seen in a grown man yet. Totally. And I marked that moment as like, wow, aging is a nightmare probably.

In a power position like that, you have to be ready to be satirized by the teens, by your people, the serfdom. They're gonna come for you. Do you get come forever? does the right-wing people ever get a hold of your stuff? Is that what happens to you? No, I mean no, they don't okay. Oh god. I'm trying to think It's mostly just women telling me that they asked will project with me every once in a while the most people the most shit I get is like mmm Well, this sucks. That's it?

Yeah, it's like, I would think it would be a lot worse. Oh, I got targeted by a right-wing campaign recently. Oh, you on Z-Way was incredible, by the way. Oh, thank you. You were like John Stewart in Tucker Carlson or something. You're so dead! You were unflappable. Whoa.

I couldn't believe it. That's beautiful, Chris. Thank you for saying that. My glasses would have fogged up. See, you and I, we're men with glasses. That's one thing about us. And I think you're probably like me. You want to leave a social interaction with them. You don't want the world remembering the glasses. But when I freak out, like if I'm bombing, which at Largo, it'll happen a lot if I'm doing someone's in-friend show. They'll think, they're like,

who's this old woman with no ideas, you know? And then- You're bombing at Largo? On other people's in-friend shows. I don't believe that. Oh, no, no, I'm eating ass. Like I'm doing so bad. Really?

Yeah, Flayne's the only one laughing in the back. Yeah, Flayne's giving a big Irish laugh from the side stage. He loves you. But my glasses fog when I'm not doing, and if I were doing that Z-Way situation, my glasses would have fogged immediately. Really?

And you were just, pew. How'd that feel? I mean, I was fine with it. I wasn't nervous about the to-do Z-Way. I didn't feel like, you know, I think there's an interesting thing about white people who get nervous about a situation like that. And it's that they are, they're genuinely fearful

that they're gonna get caught in something. That they're like, oh, I actually have some bad ideas sitting under here that are gonna get plucked out. And I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm like, I feel- But there's so much- Enough trust. There's so much like trust. There's so much silence that's, you know, I would start admitting the crimes I didn't commit.

Right, the silence scares you. Yeah. We, I will say she, Z-Way's use of silence is pronounced. And you see it in the edit, it's in the room. She will throw something at you and then stare at you for 175 seconds. Like she will just sit and her team's not rustling. No one's moving in the room.

It's dead silent. It's interesting. But you're stepping into some power. That's some media training right there. Have you ever had media training? Oh, every day of my life, Caleb. They got you. Me and my dad.

My dad wakes me up. Takes you to the gym. All right, Chris. Let's do this. All life, Caleb. I got you. Me and my dad, my dad wakes me up. Takes you to the gym. All right, Chris. All right. Let's do this. All right, Chris. Chair's there. Yeah, all right. All right, Chris.

You know, I hear that. If I'm hamming it up too much, all right. Then he walks away. I don't think you can hamm it up too much. Oh, I can't. I mean, you should have seen me back then. I was going way too hard. I would have loved to know you back then.

I was walking around doing the- You're doing that now. On the streets. Yeah, that's for doing it. You're doing that now the streets That's for that's for friends and family. That's me on the streets. Yeah, that is you in the streets Yeah, you also tricked me into having a full calorie coke. You said you wanted one. I got inspired Oh, I'm gonna have it now. I mostly threw mine. You haven't touched yours Barely touched you you've barely touched your full calorie Chris what's going on?

You've barely touched your full calorie coke. Chris, what's going on? Isn't that stuff good? The amount of sugar I have in a day. How much? What are we talking about? I mean, when they cut me open and study me. Are you giving your body to science? Of course. Yeah, I hoped.

Everything but the nose. Where's it going? My family. To your family? Yeah. They gonna like put it in a shadow box or something? It's up to them what they're gonna do with it. Yeah. I don't prescribe. I don't prescribe to tell them what to do with the nose. Yeah. Yeah. No, the amount of sh- I'm post food mostly. I mean, I'm telling you. This is my- I'm not even kidding. It's my second of the day What is that? passion fruit green tea

And it's all it's run by these teens who are trying to get me on letterboxed They write on the mess they write on it when Chris letterboxed win No, it's what teens are using a social media is letterbox. No, they're not They're just the way they connect is they're just tearing movies apart. Yeah. Yeah from what I hear young people have been thrilled They wouldn't they went through kovat. They're fine They're gonna be fine Everyone now acts like they're going through something Most people are going through nothing

No people are going I saw a businessman walking on the 110 the other day. People are going through it. I saw a guy the other night, I'm not even kidding, holding a Frappuccino with a turtleneck like, the turtleneck was like, it was grabbing the neck. That was not a businessman Chris. No, no no this is a different guy. Okay. Turtleneck up to here grinning holding a frappuccino just walking in circles. 7 p.m. vintage frappuccino. No people are going through it. Yeah you're right. I was trying on that idea I don't think I liked it when I said it. No it's funny. Yeah thank you. Let me ask you a question. how many times a week would you say conservative? Oh, let me say this to you Mm-hmm when I say to you this is a shout. Is this a cleanliness question?

No, okay would never ask you that several times a day. You're showing several times a day thing really. Oh, yeah Don't lie to me. I'm not I wouldn't lie to you like live in the woods. Don't you kind of yeah? Every time I I think the last like four or five times I tried to hang out with you There's been some issue with your house in the woods my chandelier just blew up Okay, okay, I'm not kidding. Okay. I'm not kidding Sparks it was fans for the office. I turn my thermostat off Sparks rain down I off. Oh, sparks rain down. I basically dive out of it. It was more of like a pivot. Yeah, because I was telling chance earlier I was it like flight. When you freak out fighter

flight fighter flight freeze. I freeze. He froze. I lock up. I was telling chance if I ever go night swimming. Hey Chris. Why are you so quiet? I'm just freaking out you're freaking out to go on swimming. Yeah. Oh, yeah, like you know the black water Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, Shane Elyr blows up Caleb Shane Elyr blows up then like a birthday cake in the middle Yeah fire. Yeah, I call fire department. They come over in their, you know hazmat suits they're like This this fucking pansy, yeah

Butch they're showing me they're like showing me everything they're like, it's just circuit breaker Yeah, what you were doing like we've never seen we don't know how you're alive Living like this But it was bad yeah, and so they had to like kind of hold my hand through everything It's always something with you in that house. Yeah, I'll get a text from you. Hey, I'm gonna have to cancel dinner the All the pipes are gone All the pipes are gone. I don't know where they went man. I'm sorry. I'm not gonna make it down. I'm getting fleeced, obviously. Plumbers see me and they're like, hmmmm.

Then when you start involving the firefighters who aren't getting paid, that's when the attitude comes. Oh, yes. Yeah, they're not getting paid by the project. They were cool, the firefighters. How so? Oh my god, they came in with like a thermal camera, like to show me, they're like, yeah, yeah, that was the fire. That thing's broken, sir. Yeah, yeah, because it was an exposed wire to the, anyway, sorry, I interrupted you,

you were gonna ask me a question. Well. How many times a week? When I tell you that about five times a day just to get through my day, and my days are not hard. I have a pretty charmed life at this point, and it's insane that I struggle with anything. But about five times a day, I have to give myself a speech that's so intense.

It can only be compared to like an Oscar-winning monologue. A Denzel Washington. Are you having to do that? Let me give you an example. Yeah. Say it's 8.30 a.m. I have one thing to do for the day. Oh a.m. Mm-hmm. I have one thing to do for the day.

Oh, too much. By the way. I need, I'm not telling, I need zero. I'm not kidding, I need zero. Zero. And if something comes up, maybe I do it because I'm feeling generous. I need zero. Yeah.

So I have one, and it's obviously making me, you know. Freak the fuck out. S-word. S-word. It's 8.30, 8.30 in the morning, my alarm. Are we talking assisted, or are we talking? Assisted, oh I would have a doctor involved. I could kill myself.

Yeah, you'd have a quack, I could see you, you're getting so big you could get a quack doctor soon, like a Dr. Blue or Dr. Red. Just start sending me pills. Just send me something, I go send me anything. Love those guys. I just want pills, love those guys. Oh my God.

But I would say, yeah it's 8.30, my alarm's gone off 30 minutes ago. By the way, the thing I'm getting up to do is put on an outfit that looks like shit. Stop it. Feels amazing. I'm talking like stained sweatpants. I'm gonna walk and get a coffee.

I'm gonna smoke half a joint. I'm gonna read a book I adore. I'm gonna have a delicious little bite of something. That's the thing I can't get out of bed to go and do. Right? And so I'm saying, I have to say out loud To myself yeah, you pathetic I have to go I have to go get the fuck up and stop wasting your life away or to get on a zoom

You're like, um, you're like the mom and psycho talking to yourself never seen it, but I'll have to take your word for it You little bitch is stuff like that It's just him yes. Yeah, how often are you having to hair sucks! Yes! But it's just him. Yes. Yeah. How often are you having to like motivate yourself in this way? Is it just me? I call myself buddy. I'm gentler with myself. Okay. You got this buddy. Yeah. Okay buddy. That's really sweet. Yeah, yeah. I'm not doing that. No, I'm too gentle with myself. Okay. I'm so easy on myself. Yeah, yeah. I, I, yeah, okay. You got this buddy. Yeah. Y'all, you already know. Today's episode is sponsored

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if I had $300 I'd give 250 to a guy in Cleveland trying to put jets in his bathtub it'd be like help Darren get a jacuzzi oh you're getting you got it Darren you're getting drunk and sending off GoFundMe's? Yeah, at the end of the night. I think I might like to get you back on liquor. That's awesome. I think in my 50s, and again, liquor is very generous. It was mixed drinks with a heavy fruit on the mix.

Yeah, yeah. A heavy mixer. And I think it was mostly placebo buzz, what I was getting. Right, you were drinking a glass of cranberry juice with a shot of vodka. Barely a shot. Yeah. And I'm just, I mean, my reaction to sugar, I think is, is unusual. Like when I have one of these, I just start driving. There's sugar in that? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, what is that? So it's passion fruit green tea. Yeah. And the

boba I don't like, as you see by all the bobas. Yeah But I like I like the the brown sugar around it. So it creates this kind of a film that kind of you know that Yeah, yeah, you know And that's how I get my idea. How many of those are you having a day right now? A lot if it's more than one, you know, they're like hey Chris rough day, you know, yeah You could really blow off some steam on letterbox King We'd love to see you over there. I Love letterbox because now you can watch movies and do homework about it I love letterbox because now you can watch movies and do homework

Isn't that fun? Are you are you active on that? I could see you writing some scaling shit I will say I will tell you I I have a I have a burner letterbox account. Oh are you gonna send it to me or what? I have no one I would guarantee you they were all surprised to hear that I've never told a single person. I heard Virginia go. Oh I've never told a single person. I heard Chance go uh. Oh fuck. Oh fuck it's happening. No one knows my handle. Oh it's my birthday. Oh Chris. Okay what would you? What's the latest you logged? I? Don't walk what you talk you just you just like I came in under the water looking I don't walk I look I comment I share I'm going live Letterboxd.

Yeah. From my burner? Yeah. Maybe someday I'll release it. Have you seen Baby Girl yet? No. Is it steamy or is it just like boring people? Oh, it's the funniest shit in the world.

What is it? Everyone's being like, oh my god, this is so kinky. I'm like, it seems like the lightest amount of kink ever. It's not kink. I mean, it's not hot. It's this guy. First of all, it's the way Gen Z is treating me getting me to open for them at the Elysian by the way Just this 22 year old just like comes out of nowhere and starts telling Kidman to sit in different parts of a piece It's it's the vast majority of the movie is this guy placing Kidman being like go stand over there and she's like

And he's like stand over there and she goes stand. I mean, it's the funniest shit It's like sit on this and it's like it's like Nicole Kid! And he's like, stand over there. And she goes stand. I mean, it's the funniest shit in the world. It's like, sit on this! And it's like Nicole Kidman just sitting like this. And everyone in the audience is like, mm! And then, oh, Caleb, there's one scene. There's a lot of forehead play. Forehead? Yeah, yeah.

So there's like one, come here. There's one scene where they're talking like this, and they're kind of going up and down. And then when she gets really- You guys can never know how much pressure Chris is using, by the way. When she gets pissed, he's over her and she gets pissed and she goes, and she rubs up, I was on my feet. And there's a five minute clip of this kid dancing to Father Figure by George Michael. They don't even cut it.

It's just five minutes and he's just in this hotel room doing this. Is he naked? He's topless. That'll work. And you just pan to her watching and I'm just, I'm doing this with them in the crowd. I don't clap during movies.

I was on my, you gotta see this shit. It is funny. Women are like wiping down their chairs at the AMC after this. I think,. I think. I think people think it's funny, too. So you don't think they're actually getting turned on? Maybe some people are.

I think so many people are sexless kind of virgins. I think a lot of people think this is the height of kink. Is that what you're hearing? I'm hearing that it's, I mean, I'm getting reaction videos of people being like, like stumbling and trembling out of the theater. Like they've just seen the hottest thing they've ever seen. And I'm like, have you guys had sex?

I'm curious, like what's going on? Right, right. Someone being like, get on your knees is like, that's like, that's like step one. It's right, it goes way beyond that. It's like get on your knees and he goes, actually no, I want you to just Blair Witch in the corner. And then she's just her for I think 10 minutes

in the corner and it's not sexual. I mean it is, the whole thing is so, again, I'm, remember how Twitter used to show us how everyone felt about things? Like we could kind of curate how people are, I'm not like looking at that anymore, so no, I think I might just be losing my mind and completely misunderstanding movies yeah yeah we gotta get on letterboxed Chris I know I gotta get on the box they need

you on there I I try to sign up and then I'm sorry to say I think it's pretty easy yeah I love you to death but can I help you or yeah if you could give me a moment of your time and help me out getting on letterbox. What was the stumbling block for you on getting signed up? I think I got locked out because it was like a confirmation email that I fucked up. I'm aging. I'm basically sundowning at this point. I don't want you to drink that coke. I don't want you to drink that. Now that I've already-

You'll see the light come back in my eyes. Someone was in the concoction down there, now I'm scared. Have you seen Nosferatu? I don't want you to drink that coke. I don't want you to drink that now that I've already seen it. You'll see the light come back in my eyes. Someone was in the concoction down there, now I'm scared. Have you seen Nosferatu? No. I haven't. I've been bad at the movies. Caleb! I know. I've been doing bad. I've been doing bad. I need to pick it up. He's got a thick mustache, that's all I'm telling you.

Who? The guy. Aren't there multiple of them? You'll see. Okay. Aren't there multiple of them? You'll see. Okay. It's like a shitty party city thick mustache. Did you like it?

Oh yeah. The movie? Oh yeah. Caleb, if I see it, I like it. Yeah. That's the Chris promise. That's the Butch seal of approval. If I saw it, I loved it. I should get a Butch.

Swallow that. People get so mad when I gotta keep talking through it. People go, enough. You gotta swallow that down. I store it in my cheeks sometimes. Put it away. Swallow it. I should get a Butch Tramp stamp. The name Butch on your Above Your Ass? Yes.

I would love that. Yeah. I would absolutely love that. I'm realizing one of the mistakes of the new studio, specifically where you're a guest, is there's too much space for you to play. The old studio was small. You've been on the table.

You've been on the back of the couch. You've been on me. I see head gum engineers are, they're rigging a chain system to chain me to this kind of console right here. Casey's working on that. So I... Yeah, we're gonna make it Chris Griffin here. Yeah.

We're gonna hold you in place. Yeah, you're not getting this. Who is your last guest? In here, Steph Tolive. Oh, she's a's a mover she's a mover but she was pretty tame on the episode she's she's blowing up too Steph Tulliff yeah Olivia this is what i'm talking about Olivia's got tortoises yeah you know did you get Christmas cookies from Olivia don't tell me you got Christmas did you no i was just asking if you did sounds like that sounds Sounds like that sounds like someone who got Christmas cookies from her.

You didn't get any? No, I didn't get shit. Me neither, I wish I did. Do we have a polygraph in here? Why did it come up? Why'd you bring that up? This is why managers don't want clients knowing their shared client list. My clients are unionizing. Because? My subs are unionizing. She gave me some Christmas cookies. I think it's because I was in New York.

You don't live in New York. You refuse. She's crafty. She's good. I don't mean crafty in a tricky way. I mean, she makes really beautiful. She made little gnomes of me once. Really?

Yeah. How did you feel about that? Incredible. Yeah. Yeah. Her cookies were quite good. I have one in my house that makes me look like a bit of a Narcissist, you know. They have a gnome version of my- Are you a narcissist? I don't think so. I don't think you are.

I think- are you? I don't think you are. I don't think I'm a narcissist. I do like myself a lot. Have you taken the blood test? Is that what that is? The- there's a blood test? Yeah, let's get in there in the lab it shows up in blood panel take my hair Take my hair and see what the follicles tell you yeah, I don't think I'm a narcissist Yeah, but I guess if someone made a really good argument. I would hear it I Have you taken that you said the quizzes the quiz? There's a quiz for it Yeah, but it's like a well calm and then to get the diagnosis you got to pay like $7.99. No I hate when they do that by the way. It's really really shit. No, I haven't taken that have you yeah, you got no

I got like I got a Narcissistic it was no it was like You got something going on but is narcissists where you think you're the best No, I think it's actually it's rooted in a deep insecurity right I think but it's still like you're No, come on do the DSM Do the do the do the just for me. What are we on five now DSM five DSM? Yeah, I think it's 12 On the DSM 12. Oh, here we go. Yeah, have okay behaviors of a narcissist Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others. Oh, that's not me.

I might, yeah, that's not me. Be envious of others and believe others envy them. My big problem is I have a police scanner on in the sense that I'm always trying to feel what you're feeling. I'm always trying to, I'm always like, it takes me a while to get into my shit. I think that's empathy.

Yeah, but I think it's like a- Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot, and come across as conceited For instance the best car or office insist on having the best of everything Not I understand That I understand that's not fair. That can't be a bad thing. Oh, I want a nice car office Actually, my car sucks. I don't have an office. Yes, it's not a narcissist. I'm a loser My life fucking sucks man, my cars piece of shit, I got no office.

Yeah. If you're showing your face in anything other than a 2001 Acura, you're a narcissist. You're a narcissist. You're a filthy narcissist. You fucking freak. I'm a man of the people. Yeah, I feel the people.

My car sucks, my house is cheap my clothes are stained You keep talking about your fits your fits are great. They're stained This one's not it's brand new. It'll be stained by the end of the day. That's fine Yeah, Brian made this brand over Jones you ever have you ever did someone publicly dissed someone public anyway that they then this back. Oh Randy rainbow. Oh my god, oh my god Randy Rainbow blocked me on everything that's stupid talk about and we'll run and we'll run that one talk about Nosferatu Randy Rainbow coming back. I mean, that's odd You know he's voting for Trump Randy Rainbow if they if they put gay people in work camps and said that Randy Rainbow was the reason I would go gladly I

Would sign myself up. I can't that guy. That's what I'm dreading about the next four years is his his return to the. Yeah, Randy Ramos going to be in the fucking recording booth. Oh yeah. God. Heart is a rock. He blocked like all Twitter gays for a day because we were being mean to him for doing something horrible. He made some horrible Twitter gays for a day because we were being mean to him for doing something horrible. He made some horrible like, some like, some like Obama is daddy and we're missing him while he's on vacation or something.

You know, his stupid little shit. Oh yeah. And we all were like, this sucks, you're a hack. And then he blocked all of us. But he puts it to like hairspray or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good morning Obama. Yeah.

Yeah. He does pop punk. And baby boomers are just dripping wet. Obama. Randy Rainbow pop punk album. Yeah. Obama Yeah, yeah, he does pop on and baby boomers Yeah, rainbow pop on cow bum Yeah, you know sometimes your enemies. I would I would tune in him moshing in his crowd of 75 year olds I'm glad to hear you say this Caleb. What's your audience a? Lot of women who look like me

How old are they mmm Younger than me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they... You know how people have people lock up, their audiences lock up their phone? They would never. Your audience would never put the phone away? Yeah, if there was a Neopet emergency, what are they gonna do, you know?

They need to be logged on? Be that little guy? Mm- mm-hmm yeah they got a dependent what's yours like I mean I think I think I've just heard you use you describe yours as something barista's but it's a non-binary barista they're in the mix yeah right yeah a lot of LPNs a lot of LPNs license that a coding term yeah a lot of like a lot of LPNs. A lot of LPNs, licenses. Is that a coding term? No. A lot of nurse practitioners.

Love me. That's great. A lot of people messaging me from the burn unit. Being like, had a hard day today. Thank you for putting out the podcast. Nurse practitioners, every time I've met with one, I never have access to the doctor. They see me.

They're like, you're not getting near the doc. You're getting a nurse practitioner. It's always a woman who's got like an ankle piece. Yeah. Yeah. What's she telling you? They're open carrying. Oh, I had one and I, their guns are always,

there's always a suggestion of a gun with a nurse practitioner. On your nurse practitioners? They're libertarians. Where are you going? I've never, I don't think I've ever, I go in and I'm like, I'm here to see a doctor. They're like, okay, yeah, well, I've never I don't think I've ever I go with I'm like I'm here to see a doctor that

Okay, yeah, well We got a nurse practitioner for you. Yeah, and she's like got two huskies She got we're in tactical pants with like a Only go to the doctor's office with you so bad. I know I had a so I have a cashew allergy. Yeah, and whenever I eat it my oh sorry Chris Thanks, I didn't know that whenever I eat it they puff these puff up it starts here starts on the tip So I wake up in the night scratching like a raccoon Yeah, what's the nut the tip no the oh cashews so if you eat cashews the tip of your penis begins there starts to itch Yes, and then I go uh-oh and it it's you made a song about it's around what?

Who made this on what we call a made a song about this And it starts in your teeth And then he's talented she's great. But anyway, so your dick starts to itch Yeah, and then your fingers Colby Calais daughter again is it probably? Probably next to me on the plane. It's probably Gracie taking 200 self Gracie Abrams has a famous Colby Calais Abrams Anyway my fingers then puff up and anyway nurse practitioner walked in and she she looked at my my fingers went whoa

From the from how puffy they were from the cashew. And she was like, we gotta get those rings off. You look like a gator. And did you get the rings off? And then do you have to show them your penis as well? Or do you just tell them with their stuff going on there as well? No, they go, we're good.

We don't even wanna, we don't even wanna know what that is. We don't wanna know what you got. Hey, don't tell us about it. Yeah. Huh. They go, you can sketch it, but we're not going to look at it. You sketch your privates for them? Yeah. Casey really liked that.

Casey loved the idea of you sketching your privates. He really was enamored by that. They give me an easel. Yeah. You're in there painting all day long. They give you a doctor's office with natural light. I keep it. It's just crumpled paper all over the... That's not right.

You ever been to a, where are those guys? The dick doctors. Oh, urologists? You ever been to one of those guys? No. Have you? Yeah. I thought I had to stick your cancer for a week.

Yeah. It was a week of reflection for me. What was making you think you had it? My balls hurt really bad. Yeah. And I had one had a notch on it, like a nodule. Like I had like a bump, a lump on one of my testicles. Like all the stuff you'd expect. You had a notch on your balls. You nodule. Like I had like a bump on one of my testicles, like all the stuff you'd expect.

You had a notch on your balls. You sound like a viking king. I had like a nodule, like a bump on it. Terrifying. And I was in a lot of pain. And I was working at Big Mouth at the time and had to call my boss and go, hey, I'm gonna be out for the next couple days.

I think I have testicular cancer. And she was so sweet and cool about it, but I was like, if I die of testicular cancer, they're writing something about this. Of course. They're gonna do something about it. Oh yeah, those brutalists? Those freaks.

They're gonna do something crazy with this. I feel like you spent a day out of the office and you're already, and then you show up the next day and there's a whole new character of you. Yeah, testicular cancer David. Yeah, I didn't though. I didn't know you wrote for Big Mouth. He had to feel all around me. Yeah, just like you were cancer David. Yeah, I didn't though. I didn't know you wrote for Big Mouth. He had to feel all around me. Yeah. HR, the spin-off. He had to feel all around my nutsack, the urologist. Yeah. And he was annoyed with me. Yeah, because he thought

you were a hypochondriac. He thought I was a hypochondriac and then he felt the nodule and he's like, this is just a pill. This is just orange juice. He basically, he was like, yeah, it's like, he was like, this is a normal thing, it's just just a pill you need to take I was like, why are you rolling your eyes at me? How would I know that? You sick mad at me. I'm like you're urologist. That's the terrifying thing about these people is like you you're like Oh, I'm sure this is a sign of my death and then you go in there like this is fine, but That nostril is really big. Yeah, and that is a sign of this. You're ugly. Yeah Yeah, Bad news. They're growing.

You're ugo, bitch. Your nostrils are augmenting. Yeah, yeah. And you're gonna get ugo. Have you had any plastic surgery? Tons. Yeah? No.

I'm too squeamish. I would never. You ever get any fillers or anything? They say it's too late. Whenever I go in, they go, it's way too late. To do what? Any work. Anything?

Yeah. And then I get escorted out. They go, this is beyond, if you came in 20 years work. Anything. Yeah. And then I get escorted out. They go, this is beyond, if you came in 20 years ago, maybe. Yeah. Maybe we could have saved the nose. Have you? Aren't you like 34? 37.

Okay. So if you went in when you were 17, they could have picked you up. You think I'm 34? Yeah. I like that. Not bad. Knock three years off that total.

Well, that's what we should do because of, we're all three years younger than we are. Because of COVID. Oh, I think everyone, COVID made everyone we should do because of, we're all three years younger than we are. Because of COVID. I think everyone, COVID made everyone 33. I had a, oh, got you. Yeah. I had a good time during COVID. Yeah?

Hate the thing, I wish it hadn't happened to me. I made it work for me. That's great. See, yeah, you're a survivor. I drove for Uber Eats, it was cool. Really? Oh yeah, during COVID. Oh my God. Guess what, people don't tip.

No. Rich people especially. I keep hearing this. Rich people don't tip. That's how they stay rich. Poor people tip. Yeah. Sometimes.

Yeah. Sometimes the poor people are just as bad as the rich people. Do you tip? That almost makes you more mad. You're like, God, when the rich people are mean to me, you think maybe they just forgot to be nice. You're poor. Yeah.

Why are you being mean to me? Yeah. when I delivered food to a poor person's house I go you're asking me another poor person to bring food over here to your shit. Hovel that you call a home shit Hovel you're not gonna tip me. What's a hovel I go back to my hovel Little dwelling man back to my shit hovel I need tips to pay rent at my shit hovel. Is shit hovel one word? Hyphenated? Two, yeah hyphenated. Yeah, two hyphenated.

Shit hovel. That's beautiful. Thank you, I'm a, yeah. You're a poet. I'm a poet, I've said that a couple times on the show. You are. I think so. Do you write or do you just free associate?

I write. Do you write? I just just re-associate? Mmm, I write. Yeah. Do you write? I just started, truly. Really? I mean, I've always written, but in the last year I've been like, okay, let me write this word for word. The jokes. Try to, and then I misremember it.

I don't think I've ever written a joke word for word. I know, and I didn't for a long time, and now I started, and then I fuck it up. You ever do, what I do to remember stuff is I, and to see if it's funny, I put it in a text to speech, and I have a lady read it to me really yeah, and I'm like ha ha I Love that. It's bit. I go. Oh, that's good. I I love I've never thought of that It's like it's like someone doing stand-up for you

I mostly improvise my jokes for the first time on stage and then see if they're anything Yeah, and if they're not well, then we just spent two minutes wasting everyone's time Usually they are, thank God. My energy right now is so crazy. Are you clocking that? No. I feel insane. Well, I feel so, I feel like my body's shutting down

as we're talking. Do you clock that at all? I flew here today. That's gonna fuck you up. I've been up since 2 a.m. LA time. Yeah, no, this is ambitious, what what you're doing in the course of our conversation It's been lovely by the way in the course of our conversation. I have noticed that now My body I feel like I'm in a you know how they have sensory deprivation tanks. I feel like I'm in the opposite

I'm feeling everything a lot You're in the sensory everything I'm the sensory Upper You're in the sensory everything. I'm in the sensory upper tank. Overload. A sensory, not overload, because that makes it sound like I'm having a bad time. Or it's just a ska band playing. I can just feel everything. Everyone's rubbing you down.

Yeah. Everyone's rubbing me down at a ska band. You get it. Yeah, you nailed that. You're like one of those crows that sits on the ant's hill, and the ants are all crawling all over it. I'm exactly like that. But you're not clocking them. My energy is nuts.

You're not feeling it. This feels like the Sun. Yeah Not in a nice way though. No, I hate this But other than that You're not going anything weird with me. No, okay. No, I feel I feel Calmer than than I usually do well, that's the thing is I think usually when we get together It's pretty I feel like we get we rile each other thing, is I think usually when we get together it's pretty, I feel like we rile each other up, but I'm feeling very meditative by your presence today.

I appreciate that. I love you. Well, I always love your presence. But today it's putting me in a zone of, I'm just kind of enjoying the show. Well, I consider myself a hypnotist, you know? You a little bit are. Yeah. You a little bit are.

Your movements. Yes, it's hypnotized. It's like a cobra. Yeah, you know? You a little bit are. Your movements. Yes, it's hypnotized. It's like a cobra. Yeah, your movements on stage. It's like the great cobra. One leg's in a different place on the stage than the rest of your body at all times. You're moving in such a way.

Have you ever seen me jump onto the stool? I've seen you do everything. Mm-hmm. I'm like a goat. I'm a huge fan. I've seen you move in ways that I've never seen other people move. I've seen you spin on things that weren't even supposed to be noticeable on the stage. I've seen you touch stuff that was not meant to be touched.

I like using the mic cord recently because it's been, it's like a, it's an added challenge. And I like, I keep feeling like I'm going to fall over that. I used to use a wireless. And now that when I use the wired, it's like, I love the idea that I could go down at any moment. I think that's, and I know it's going to happen when I've lost them and I are, and I can't get them back. And then you fall and you're fucked.

Yeah. You know? Hmm. You lose all your powers. I haven't even gotten the chance to ask you yet. What do you think... Chris. What do you make of all this Luigi Mangione business?

Oh! What do you make of that? What are we doing with that? Oh, God. Is he okay that he did it? Do you like it the way it looks? I feel like the people that like him are the same people that like hide likes on Instagram? You know, I had like my likes on Instagram you do. Yeah every post Feel like it's like it's not gonna save you. What do you mean? It's like doing it's like doing heroin with a life jacket on

Yeah, if it makes you feel good like you're it's you feel good, it's like a boundary that's not... Okay, Luigi, what do I think about him? I feel bad because... No, pause on Luigi. Go back to all the likes. I want to learn something from you in this part. Okay, okay. It's like you think it's like, if I do this, then I'm not going to let this take over me. Well, I'll tell you, it actually has made this take over me. Well, I'll tell you, it actually has made a difference for me, truthfully.

Yeah, because I used to obsess. Over the likes? Oh my God. If you hide them, do you see the number yourself? You can, but you have to click in and try, and I don't. So it's just ignorant. It used to drive me, it used to make me insane when I would post things, when I like,

I've hidden my likes now since the feature came out. Well, you also, that is the only toxic element that I know about you that you you're like your archiving you you're a content archive I've I've archived all the time you don't like that about me no no I I go damn he's messy you think that's messy in a good way how so tell me about that I'm interested in that it strikes me as like it's a very NYU thing to do, you know? Undergrad or grad school? Doesn't matter. Okay, same universe?

Yeah, yeah. You don't think it makes me better than you? I love when someone gets rid of everything. I think that's like- I'm pretty much there. Really? Yeah, you know what I want to though? Yeah.

Unfollow everybody. That I do, people do that a lot. Yeah, yes. A lot of comedians get, they break the 200K followers You know what I won't do though? Unfollow everybody. People do that a lot. A lot of comedians get, they break the 200k followers and they go, I'm unfollowing everybody. And what if everyone did that? I think that's sick. It'd be chaos. I don't like that.

If everyone does that. Then you're just jerking off in front of everybody. You're just masturbating in public at that point. Yeah you're like, you're a Coney 2012 guy. I don't like that. Oh god I was big on Coney 2012. I just rewatched it. They got me. I rewatched it. And I go I would fall for this again. I did a street team. I emptied. I think I drained my family savings on that. I did a street team in a big way. I did posters in Chillicothe, Missouri. Yeah.

Were you in the tunnels? Remember the video that they wanted everyone to be in the tunnels? Hold in the Kony tunnels? You might have been deeper than me. It all happened so fast too, right? I think it was like the day it went really viral. I think the next, like two days later, he was on Oprah. Yeah. Not Coney, they couldn't find him. I, no, did you, I rewatched his Oprah interview too. Really?

Oh, it's a mess. Why so? Oh, it's over for him. I mean, Oprah is just, just I mean you gotta rewatch it Right when you think he's been degraded He's debased himself enough because he was obviously nude on the streets and whatever yeah And there's a long pause and you're like she's not gonna keep digging and she goes And I heard you were masturbating too Right when you think it right when you think

He goes it wasn't me whatever goes, it wasn't me. Whatever that was, that wasn't me. He's just saying it was like he was hijacked. Dang. Yeah. So the likes on Instagram, you think hiding them is what, cowardice? No, I think it's thinking its boundaries.

You think it's a false boundary? And then the archiving of the posts, what do you think of that? I think it's messy. You think that's messy? I do it too. But why, what's messy about it? What makes you feel that it's messy?

I'm open to this. It's impulsive. Maybe I'll stop hiding the lights. It's naughty. It's naughty. I like getting rid of it because they feel so boring to me. To go back and look at my, I don't like the idea of someone scrolling through. Oh, it's shameful.

And going to 2015 and being like, this is what he thought was interesting that week. I don't like that. I mean, be with with me now be with the guy that I am right now I know what you mean. Yeah, do you you find it messy? Do you feel like I always feel like oh I'm never gonna be able to do something as good as the thing I just did or like your past and then you do Something you're like, oh god that thing sucked Everything I do you keep feeling like thank god. I thank god I did this new thing cuz it's better than that thing. Absolutely. Yes

I you know, I won't stop telling my friends in LA that LA is over because I moved three months ago. Yeah. I'm really, I'm a sick individual. I'm really, I can't believe I ever lived in LA. No, I think, I do think that you have vision. Ooh. I do.

We've come a long way from the likes. Come a long way from the likes. You're back on Caleb. I mean, we contain multitudes. Well, we're large. We contain multitudes. Yeah. No but I think if you're saying that, I see what you're saying. When I say LA is over. I mean Silver Lake feels like Dallas now. You know what changed me forever? I heard someone refer to working in the entertainment industry and living in Echo Park Silver Lake as living on campus housing.

Exactly. Changed my life. I mean Los Feliz is just a bunch of sundowning Emerson grads, you know? It's a beautiful neighborhood, Chris. It is. It's a vibrant neighborhood. Yeah, but it's, you know. Sundowning Emerson grads.

Yeah. But Luigi, yes or no? Do you like what he did? I think I'm looking at the love that he's getting and I just know that every day it's an exponential decay. I know that I'm like the love that this guy's getting is cutting his...in three months it's going to feel like 2012. You think? Yeah.

I wonder. I just worry about him for that. Yeah. I'm like I hope he can handle that. Yeah. What do you think? I'll be him for that. Yeah, I'm like, I hope he can handle that Yeah, what do you think? I'll be there for him. Yeah, you still feel that the fire burning. Yeah, I mean I need him really bad I think he's yeah, I think he's gorgeous. I think yeah did was I don't want to say if it was good or bad. I think it was You know, I think it's

Hmm. Oh, I think it would be inappropriate and ill-advised to say that it was amazing and awesome and more people should do it. I would never say that. Totally. But he did what he did. Yeah. And he looks great. He looks great. He's beautiful.

He looks great. I looks great, he's beautiful. He looks great, yeah. I kinda like him. Yeah, I think he's got a special mind and back problems. Yeah. But yeah. What do you think about how they got him in McDonald's? Do you think that? Well, he's being framed.

Yeah. He's being framed, I frankly don't even know if he did it. Yeah. They caught him in Altoona. Altoona? They caught him in Altoona, Pennsylvania. Oh God. With a manifesto on him, right? That's not my guy Yeah, that's not my Luigi. I know yeah, like a 3d printer. Yeah I just don't I think the cops and then everyone goes. Oh the cops are saying the cops are saying who fucking asked them

All those guys do is lie All they do is lie and we're matching outfits with their gay little friends. Yeah. It's insane being a cop. Amazing. You ever see him just standing around shooting the shit? Oh, no, they're fleecing the city for overtime right now. Oh yeah. Oh, that's a good gig. Oh yeah. With the deepest bonds with each other. Yeah. Yeah. They're in like a gang together. Literally. I haven't, I used to get pulled over all the time too. What's what for? Well, I treat any street around me like it's my driveway. If you're in a mile radius of my house, it's my driveway. So I don't obey by the stop signs.

That's really dangerous. And I've explained it to the cops. And I would be on the phone often too. FaceTime? I'm truly dry. I'm like holding the, like the cop sees the phone It goes Chris you said you were gonna get one of these like I go I know I know I haven't he's like What were you calling in 9-1-1? No, it's not to my mom

You're on first name basis with cops. I don't know their names, but they know you. They know me. They know you. Chris. And are you FaceTiming? No. I don't love FaceTiming. You don't FaceTime? No. Really? No. I couldn't get you to? You could.

But you don't like it? Young people get me to do it. Under 30, yeah, but over 30. It's like, guys, it's like... Over 30, I don't want to see you. It just feels like it's... Yeah, it doesn't feel right. Yeah, to FaceTime an over 30 person.

I'd like to FaceTime at over 30%. I'd like to FaceTime you sometime. Please. Maybe I'll do that. Please. Nothing's ever been the same since I mentioned my energy. And then with the likes on Instagram thing. Been downhill since then.

No, no, no. We're about to hit a crescendo. Yeah, we're about to ollie. About to hit a big note. Wal, do you have a so true for this episode? What's so true to you right now? Oh fuck what you mean? Oh, I had to prepare something Chris That's the point of this Chris. We can't put this out. Okay, what's so true to you? What's something that you what something?

You're thinking about a lot lately. What's the hill you die on these days? Okay. I This is all you do Yeah, you got a million of these things. Yeah. You're always cooking up. What's one of your latest ones? My latest ones? What's so true to me? Well, people have to learn how to walk.

Yeah. My God. My God. It's one fucking foot in front of the other. Yeah. Step, step, step, step, step. It keeps going like that until you get to where you're going. Move, fucking move.

I can't believe it. I can't believe the way people don't know how to walk Yeah, I want I want to give this a Sebastian Maniscalco what you're talking about. Let's see what he does with it You know I like about him. So that's man. He thinks he's doing observational comedy and I think he's yeah He's an insane man. Yeah, and he's having the he's he's he's projecting this insanity on anybody's treating it like it's observation Never seen a joke of his you got to it like it's observation. I've never seen a joke of his. You got to. It's like the lie of relatability.

People think they're relating to it, but it's like, no, this is just the ravings of a lunatic. If you watch his movie, which I did, and you imagine the father as a hallucination, it's high art. The De Niro character doesn't exist. We've got to get you on Letterboxd. I'm with the Bobatines. Get on there. I gotta. You gotta get on there. I gotta get on there. The two things you've recommended to me

during this interview. Baby Girl. Sorry, three things. And we'll use interview loosely. During this conversation. You've recommended to me Baby Girl. You've recommended to me Oprah's interview with Coney 2012. Yep. And you've recommended to me the Sebastian Maniscalco movie about his dad,

which you're asking me to reimagine. Yes. Just watch it and imagine that the father is a hallucination. Okay. And it's brilliant. Okay. I'm on it. I'm going to do that. Yep. I'm going to do that for you. Yep. Okay. Something so true to me.

I mean, I think we've probably spoken about this. I have a problem with businesses that was started in 2021. Say more. You know, it's like a lot of like things with names that kind of, you know, say them, you go, ah, like Alison by me or something, names, you go, ah, and it's just all those egg chairs in a, you know, and there's like one elder millennial in there.

And it's a bunch of restaurants owned by brothers now. Like what? Like what? Just with these disgusting egg dishes. I'm trying so hard to place what you might be talking about. Okay, okay. You know when you're in any city, you know how like every city you go to now,

or every little town thinks it's on the up because they have like a speakeasy now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's always these brothers that are kind of Like in like a manic episode, yeah, you know, it's like dude I fucking rule at breakfast burritos. Yeah, you rule at business Let's fucking go Yeah, and then they opened it because you know brothers are either working each other in a lather or non speaking terms at all Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What is going on? What's going on with brothers? It is the is one of the most anciently fraught relationships brothers

I mean, yeah like mine's not great every Every other relationship has entered the new millennia. Brothers are in the past. They're in Sparta. Yeah. I just started reading a book called The Dawn of Everything. What is it? About everything. The history of the world. How we understand.

Well, it's starting off I'm not very far in. But it's starting off. I'm not very far in okay, but it's starting off Like looking at like inequality and when we started talking about inequality and why we started asking questions about it and then like the Rosso Kind of like question of are people innately good or innately evil and is that even a worthwhile question to ask? Are we just depressingly neutral? Yeah, And, and, and like early civilizations, like was there ever truly an egalitarian civilization? Yeah. You know, there's a lot of times people

say agriculture is the worst thing we ever did. Yeah. Cause it took us from being like tribe based and egalitarian to being hierarchical. But yeah, it's like, it's. Cause one guy got really good at the creamery. He did. And then he was like, I run the town now. Yeah. Right. They were like sounds good. Yeah. And then, and then he, and then he was like, and by the way, my son's the mayor and everyone was like, he has, town now. Yeah, riding two cows like Zorro. Yeah, and then he was like, and by the way, my son's the mayor, and everyone was like, we have to let him, yeah. He runs the thing. He's nonverbal.

Yeah, his nonverbal son is the mayor. Nonverbal mayor would be amazing. Oh yeah. That'd be sick. He could talk, he's choosing not to. Yeah, he's taking a vow of silence as the mayor. Beautiful. Agriculture.

Yeah, whew. You ever done agriculture? No, no, no. They wouldn't let you. Mm-hmm beautiful agriculture. Yeah, you ever done agriculture. No They wouldn't let you I do get along with horses incredibly well, I have no trouble believing that a Horse just freaking out. I I tell everyone back up. What's that movie about that guy that does that horse whisperer? No, okay, but I'm sure that oh my god. He goes he says he's like He's like wears a vest with no shirt underneath he has a big knife. Oh, I'm thinking you're talking about crocodile Dundee Crocodile Dundee was the first movie where I go. Okay. Okay Now okay, I was like did this come from my head?

What do you mean? You're related to him a lot? Yes, I think it was the first piece of media I related to. Really? Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Aspirationally.

Yeah, you're so good with horses. You're like. You're like looking at him, he starts to listen. Yeah. That's really nice. I do that, remember the thing we did earlier? I do that with horses. Yeah, you put your head on them and push really hard. Yeah, I was giving you about three torques you were

I'm an app you're giving a lot of pressure it beeps when I give too many torques. Yeah, Jerry's behind the couch Mostly an audio format Alright Chris less movements. Do you ever do all your agriculture? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I judge soils in high school. You what? I judge soils. I judge soils. In high school, I was judging soils. And I'm like, I judge soils. Let me know if you have any questions.

When you say when you say judge soils. Let me know if you have any questions. When you say judge soils, what you mean? So they're gonna bring several soils to the competition and they're gonna ask us, the competitors, go through the soils. Take a look at them. Is this a degradation thing? You have to, you're digging. Well you crumble them in your hand.

Okay, I was on the soils team. Yeah. Okay. We would go to fields. And there'd be just, you name it, five, six, seven kinds of different soils. We'd go through, we'd rub them, we'd sniff them, we'd look at them. I'm in a dream state right now.

We'd judge them and we'd say, oh, that one's good for corn, that one's this kind of soil is probably from this region There's some turnips in here. We do that. Yeah. Yeah, and I got kicked off the soils team Okay, cuz one of our meats I got tired and I went to sleep on one of the soils I'm dead serious and they might in my coach He was like you don't take this seriously. It sounds like an episode of Brayer Bear. I got kicked off the soils team for sleeping on the soils.

What time of day was this? Oh boy. It must've been seven or eight AM. How hard was it? I was 15. I was gonna sleep on the soil. See okay, what's what's the picturing of this? I was imagining tiny little little planting things of soil. So you're in massive plots. We're in big. You're in big. They're putting big things of soil out. Yeah. And when you say they. Yeah. The government. Okay. No No, I'm a farmers different guys in the community They're coming together to make it happen

Well, they suckered me in as Kayla's been telling the story his focus has gone from my eyes to slowly just this he's making eye Contact with my temples. I feel so increasingly ill Not ill. I feel so increasingly ill Not ill I feel insane I feel so insane and I don't know if I am I like if every comment on this episode was Chris was amazing What was going on with Caleb? No, I want everyone to know you'll be justified and it's because I had a flight today That is making me feel nuts. Yeah, but I'm not feeling it. That's fantastic. I did I got kicked off the soils team For not for a lack of commitment and they suckered me into like a commitment Yeah, like a commitment because you're a jack-of-all-trades story my life

I had the same problem with the a capella group in college. You have commitment issues. No, no I only I don't like very many things but the things that I like oh, you're going for it. Mm-hmm I like that. Mm-hmm. I like that about you. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not non-committal. I am am but it also means I don't do very many things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have commitment issues Yeah, yeah, that's why I get excited about a thing and then I lose interest Yeah, but that makes life kind of every else like the soil I was gonna say it's fun But you did say this morning you have to give yourself a pep talk where you call yourself a wretched boy No, not a boy. Why don't you go fall asleep on the soil, Caleb? It's more like, it's more like,

God, you're being so lazy, get up. You know, I have to be forceful with myself. Sometimes, especially to get myself on a Zoom. Oh boy, I wanna cancel every Zoom. I mean, no meeting has ever been worth it. I can't stand a Zoom. Yeah, yeah. The true false segment.

Chris, we couldn't be more excited to have you be a part of this one. Chance wrote some. I'm fine by that chance wrote some good stuff in here. Yeah, and don't try to look at that I like you with the clipboard. I knew you look like an indoor soccer coach. Yeah Why indoor? Why not outdoor? Yeah, you know, I don't know. I don't know why I say that it's just an impulsive I just I think it could be the plexiglass. It could be this the blue tint. It's just could be anything Yeah, I think she it's got me a blue one because I said the other one looked gay Purple yeah blue for boys blue for boys. Yeah, I didn't mention him to it privately

I said it once as a joke on an episode and then this just showed up Wow I didn't mention him to it privately. I said it once as a joke on an episode and then this just showed up. Wow. That's a scary guy. I can't wait for the expose. That's a scary guy. That chance, right? The nightmare behind, so true. Yeah, the hit podcast, so true.

Bustle's gonna run it. And everything I lost. It's a picture, you know, have you seen the picture of you that they're gonna use for when the shit, you know, when they, everyone's got a picture of them just like. Oh no, I don't know. I don't know if I have mine yet. Yeah.

That's pretty good. Use that still. I'll do one for myself. Yeah. That's good. That's really scary. We're gonna wash that out and put some red behind it. Can you put oven mitts on me?

Yeah. What for, is it? Like I'm kinda like, it's me, it's like me poking out of an old Italian house window. Yeah. With oven mitts like I'm Strega Nona. Is this a cooking based crime that you did? Well, no, there's the police showing up to my

shit hovel. There we go. Thank you. Oh, I thought that was gonna be a really hard one and you went gentle with it. Okay, you. Oh I thought that was gonna be a really hard one and you went gentle with it. Okay you ready? I thought that was a really hard one. True or false segment. Okay. Don't try to distract me. Well. 15. You were in Birkenstock? 15 statements. Don't. Don't Chris. 15 statements. What are you a soil judge? Stop it. You're getting off task and this is big. I just have a problem

with authority. I don't like. See look how I become when the clipboard comes out hard on these I start doing free associative thing You were fine when it was a girl's clipboard Now all of a sudden I have a man's clipboard 15 statements okay, you have to tell me if you think they're true or false okay pigs can sweat False that is false Conan O'Brien wears a size 12 and a half shoe Just tell me if you think they're true or false. Okay. Pigs can sweat. False. That is false. Conan O'Brien wears a size 12 and a half shoe. True.

That is true. Lowell, Massachusetts is home to the Massachusetts Firefighting Academy. True. False. Too late, too late, count it. You know what they did in middle school? They took us there and we had to like army.

Took you where? To the far, it was, it's by Lake Boone. Stowe. It's in Stowe? It's in Stowe. Oh, so they didn't take us there and we had to like all you wear to the fart. It was uh, it's by Lake Boone stow It's in stow since stow. Oh, it's a they took us there. That's where I'm from. Yeah. Oh chance Oh chance got you on that one. We're playing the fool right now. You're looking sillier than ever in this moment Count that as a miss Slugs have four noses. Stop. They have zero. They're like Voldemort.

They have four. It's true. Where? All over, apparently. No piece of paper can be folded more than seven times. You keep saying these things to me that, like, it's how I felt when you were talking about the soil judging, where I'm like, it's like taking this This this elevated place that I don't know how to set of course you can fold a paper as much as you want You have to give a true or false answer false true the city of Los Angeles has about three times more automobiles than people

true Wait so everyone has three. This kinda cracks me up. Well, it's probably because of Glendale. How many Autobuses? Autobus? How many Autobuses? Autobus.

Kevin Garnett is 6'2". I don't know. Well, pick. No. I'm not gonna debase myself. You have to. You have to. No.

Chris, you have to. You're not gonna get it out of me. We have to. It's important. He's bigger than that. You have to. You have to. No. Chris, you have to. You're not gonna get it out of me. We have to. It's important. He's bigger than that. He's 6'4". Do you have the same problem with nurses where they're little and so to measure you they have to jump up?

And so I could be anywhere from 5'11'' to 6'7". I have these one foot four Robbie Pross in aprons jumping False Kevin Grunin He's 611 he's 611 Jesus Christ There are three home alone movie you gotta hand it to him for the integrity you go in by 611 No I handed to him for the integrity, going by 6'11". I don't think he has a choice. No. I think they measure him.

Oh, you think it's that? I think they measure him. There are three Home Alone movies. Yeah. False. Two? There are six. Oh, right, Pete Holmes did one.

Was that one of my dreams? I don't know. Chance would know. The first bike was called a hobby horse. Yeah, true, that's true. The scientific name for a sneeze is a swall rim. A swall rim? No.

False, it's called a sternutation. Bears cannot swim. That's false. I feel like I've seen a bear in a pool. You know those videos of those guys keeping bears? What? Yeah, yeah, there's like a guy that has a family bear, but now that I'm thinking about it, it is an above-grounder So it can't be that deep Bears can swim.

Yes False. Bears cannot swim. Humiliating. So all Leo had to do was go into a little bit of a pond to get away from that guy? Bears cannot swim. See, you're throwing off the cadence of the answers because you're refusing to answer them. So you're going anecdotal instead. Bears cannot swim.

You're hitting the silent alarm. The headgun silent alarm. This is false. Jake and Amir are sharpening their katanas. Jake and Amir get too much play on this show. I need to mention them less. We're bringing them up a lot Yeah, we should come up with a different CEO. We allowed them to make a statement on the last episode

I feel like I'm making them too powerful in the social universe. Yeah, they're gonna overtake me You should you should say you're run by this this like old woman in Santa Cruz that she's the actual head gum overlord Yeah Bears can swim Natalie Portman graduated from Yale no Harvard all's Harvard the Caspian Sea is actually a lake sure true the first food eaten in space by a US astronaut was astronaut with string cheese disgusting yes false applesauce okay weirder yeah bamboo can grow three feet in one day that's true and you have to be careful putting bamboo in your yard.

It'll fuck your property up. Oh, totally. It'll take over your whole thing. I mean, it's what Jack and the Beanstalk is based on. No, bamboo is really dangerous. Don't put it in your yard thinking it's cute. No, no, it's fee-fi-fo-fum shit. It'll ruin your pipes.

It'll destroy your yard. Yeah, pandas, they still eating it? Pandas are doing that? They're eating it, I don't know if they're, yeah. They're eating it? We went from like 200 pandas to like 17,000 pandas or something. What?

Yeah. What do you mean? There were 200 left and then we got all the way up? I almost just threw up. I mean. Is there a gas leak? Is there a gas leak in the building? I genuinely, because I'm feeling,

I'm feeling sleepier and more insane by the minute. You are saying things that don't make sense to me. The Panda fact made no sense to me. You're gonna throw up. I'm scared. Caleb, I haven't said anything about pandas. Don't gaslight me when I'm vulnerable. Are we gonna start the episode?

We just got here. Yeah, it's so good to see you. Who's that freak that does all those scary shows? Lynch. Lynch. David Lynch. Who's that freak? Him and John Waters making just bizarre stuff.

Oh, you ever see Pink Flamingos? John Waters. It's shot on like a Android It's so good true. No something really dark. I looked into I started looking into flip phones I hear that you ever seen the light phone. No looks kind of cool. What is it? it's like a type of dumb phone that has it has It has texting

Calling and maps. That's it. It'll direct you, you can call, you can text, that's it. No social. No calculator? No calculator. That's my most used app. Well, you do have a calculator.

You know, if I ever want to get out of a conversation, I go, excuse me for a second on my phone, I'm just on the calculator app. Three times two. Oh, you really? Divided by one. You being honest right now? I'm totally being honest. I'm the calculator app I'm always on it wouldn't it be easier to just actually text somebody nope

On the fly my brain is I'm like Then then I text them then they're gonna call me you're going straight to if they know I'm on my phone. They call me yeah Yeah, that's beautiful Chris. Thank you this um This has been a beautiful episode. I'm not convinced that there's not a gas leak in the room. Well, you usually do them this late in the day. No. Yeah.

I don't usually do them after a transcontinental flight, either. And also the holidays, we're all very, we're still cross-eyed from the holiday season. I'm just getting in the Christmas spirit right now. We're recording this on like January 3rd. January 3rd, yeah, thank you. Is it later than January? No, on like January 3rd. January 3rd, yeah, thank you. Is it later than January?

No, it's January 3rd. January 3rd. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. I just love you. I love you. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me. Can you tell people where to find you?

You can find me at Caleb Herron on Instagram. Not my handle. How do you say your last name? You messed up my handle and my name. Herron? Herron and my handle is CalebSaysThings. Sorry. Sorry.

Yeah. CalebSaysThings and on TikTok it's CalebSaysThings. Yup. Yeah. This was awesome, Chris. Yeah. What did we get on the rating? Yeah.

You got nine on the true or false. Oh, no. I'm on the episode. What's the... Oh, they're tank on the episode. What's the uh? Oh, they're tanking. Yeah, it's live tanking. Fans are unsubscribing every moment.