So True with Caleb Hearon - Chris Fleming Returns Again

Episode Date: February 26, 2026

Welcome! This week’s guest is the hilarious Chris Fleming! Chris and Caleb talk hot tubs, boba tea, European vehicle design, a certain French teacher, clowns, and so much more! Chris has a brand new special out February on HBO Max called Chris Fleming Live at The Palace! Check it out!  Join our Substack for ad free full episodes, early access to merch, our community chat, and more! https://calebsaysthings.substack.com/  Follow Chris! @chrisflemingfleming  Follow the show! @sooootruepod  Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings  Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Head to https://Fabletics.com/sotrue - take a quick style quiz, and be sure to select sotrue when prompted to unlock your 80% off.  Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at https://RocketMoney.com/SOTRUE  Try Trü Frü! Blue bags with fruit found in the freezer aisle! So True with Caleb Hearon is edited and engineered by Nicole Lyons. Our social media manager is Virginia Muller. All episodes are filmed in The So Trudio at Legitimate Business World Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York.  A Wave series. wavesportsandentertainment.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You rendered... In 14is. Quatermology pizzas. Yeah. What'd you say? You speak another language? Yeah, a piquito. A petit per. We'll go with no.

Chris, what the hell's going on, brother? Check one, check one. Check one. Check one. Check one. Check one. How you doing? Oh, I'm well. How are you cold today? You're cold? Yeah. Oh, because it's cold in New York. Yeah, I'm fragile.

I thought you meant in here. You are so small. No, no. Oh, in here, and again, this is, I've been complimented. Caleb was angry that I didn't compliment the studio when I first came in. I went to the bathroom and I heard him passively aggressively saying, and the studio's really coming together. I was complimenting Nicole because they'd been working so hard on it while I've been out of town. No, and it is gorgeous.

And then Chris turns around and goes, I'm so sorry I haven't said something. It looks amazing in here. Well, because you used to record where they would do Trap New to Return. Yeah. You used to record in a Greyhound Bus Station bathroom. And now you're doing IMAX camera. I saw a clip with you. You look like Mel Robbins.

I thought it was the Mel Robbins podcast. Yeah. Let them. Actually, she stole that from me. Let them. I'm the first one who said that. Yeah.

Do you think her family would recognize her if she took her glasses? How does she get famous? Do you know? I have been tried, you know those podcast scams? Yeah. Someone emails you. It was like,

you want to go on this podcast. Yeah. That I'm always getting invited to go on the Mel Robbins podcast. That's how I found out about Mel Robbins. That could be real, Chris. No, it's like, it's clearly.

It's like one, two, six, nine ampersands at the devil.com. That could be her producer. They want you. Yeah. That's all I know about Mel Robbins. But no, this is such a gorgeous. You have come such a long way. I've done simply nothing.

Katie and Quinn and Nicole and Chance and Michelle are doing so much on it. Why don't you have a podcast, by the way? Because I think that something awaits for me in the divine for resisting. You think you're going to be. rewarded in the afterlife for not falling for this? Just key lime pies non-stop. One of those egg... If I had a podcast, it would be, you know,

that plays by Chloe with those chain egg chairs. Of course I don't. What? Yeah, there's like these... There's a place called by Chloe that has chain egg chairs? It's some preposition and, yeah, Chloe. And there's these egg chairs by these by these brutal like roadhouse chains.

Yeah. And it's just all these like 39-year-olds like, swinging, smashing in them. Yeah. My pot. You got the boot clay chairs. I would have the egg, uh,

the four Chloe chairs. People would watch this, Chris. Mm. My favorite thing that you ever post is, uh, stills of you doing stand up. You're somehow,

you're like, you're 10 feet in the air and you're like a blur on the screen. Yes. It's always blurry. You can't stop jumping. There's a lot of me kind of collapsed onto the ground. Yeah. Uh,

face down on the ground. That's when I'm photographed the most. Yeah. Is when I'm just, just kind of like fully. like, yeah. Yeah, assuming the position.

Yeah. What? You got to keep moving. Do you feel like you're getting so much praise lately? I feel like you're getting really, like people are really, every time I talk to someone, they're like, Chris Fleming is my favorite comedian. They keep that from me. Do they?

Yeah, yeah. I'm not. I tell you all the time that you're my favorite comedian. You do. I do. I can't stop. I compliment you all the time. You don't.

You refuse. You came in her day and you said, you're looking a little fat and ugly, which was kind of mean but I was like, it's funny because it's Chris. Well, I'm trying out roast battle stuff. We should start to kill Tony show me and you. Yeah. Oh, but it's like bumping mics where we do shoe fives. Yeah.

Let's do it. And you're spawning the ugs, I see. Well, I've become an ugg guy. Me too. Me too. Have you? The jacket I was wearing. It's like the margarine colored jacket.

Yeah. You didn't notice? No, I noticed it was a yellow jacket. Canary yellow. It was wearing a canary yellow jacket. Yes. It was for my sister. I gave it to her.

Yeah. She said, no. And, She said, I'm all good, man. Yeah. Yeah, thank you, though. Thanks. That's Ugg?

That's Ugg. I didn't fully, I did not know they made jackets. I don't know if anyone else knew that they made jackets. They make it. They make everything. Granny panties. When I'm behind closed doors, I'm in tip-to-tail Ugg. Really?

Yeah. I believe it. You're very chic. Well, I like the soft. Yeah. And you got, I mean, this is, you got the couch over there like this. This is all. Uh-huh.

It is. and room and board sent all this to us. Kesekissi. They sent it to us, room and board. Who's the furniture company? Do you know them? No, no. Well, they're fabulous.

They sent me all this furniture. Yeah. We love them. Shout out to them. Where are our cameras here? Yeah. Well, that's me. And these are both you.

They're just on different lens. One's really tight on just your mouth. Yep. And then the other one's kind of a wide on you. Yeah. Oh, and I brought a guy who's up. Yeah. Your guy's up there.

He has a rifle, which is scary, but makes sense of this. He's got a harpoon gun. Oh my God. Chris said there was something I wanted to tell you. Yeah, yeah. I just got back. I was from Spain.

I was in, well, I was like Duolipa. I was all over there. Yeah. I was all over there. I was in Dublin, Amsterdam, Spain. Caleb will text you. He'll be like, hey, are you going to be in Norway tomorrow? And then say, I never see you.

I never get to see you. Oh, come around where I'm at. Are you going to be in the Fiji Basin yesterday? No, Caleb. I have at least three dogs. You have so many dogs. Sorry, but no, we'll get into that. We'll get into your dogs.

After we stop. What was I going to tell you? Okay, I'm not going to say the city where this happened, because I don't want to, like, I don't want to embarrass this person. North Carolina? No, not, well, maybe. Okay, here's what happened. Tedja Gulpa?

One more time? I learned it from where in the world of comedy. See it again? Tejika Golpa? Where's that? Chris, what if you're getting canceled right now as we speak? What if this moment is what brings you down right now? Tadjigalpa is every consonant imaginable.

It's TG. I forget. It's somewhere in Central America. It's a place. Oh, yeah, it's a capital. I don't know things. No, no, so you do. I don't.

Here's what I'm going to tell you. I went on a date in Barcelona. And the guy goes, the guy goes, oh, I'm learning Catalan. And I go, oh, yeah, what is that? Cattle ran? Catalan. Do you know what Catalan is? Sounds like a board game.

Do you know what it is? Catalan? I didn't either. I was like, I was like, what is that? He was like, it's the language of this region. And I was like, oh. Spain? Yeah, I was like, I didn't know that. I thought they spoke Spanish. He was like, they do, but they also speak Catalan. And I'm, I fully know that I'm a dumb guy. I'm a dumb American guy. No, no, you're very civically engaged. Not about stuff over there. Okay. I know stuff here. Okay. People ask me questions about other places. People ask me the conflict. Don't be so sure. Don't you say this Catalan? Catalan. It's a language. Catalan. It's a language. It's a language. It's a language. It's a language. It's a language. It's a language. It's a language. I'm American. Big smile. And I said out loud in this restaurant. I don't know what it is. He literally goes, people will hear a very sensitive. He goes, he's mine. He speaks. He speaks like six languages. I go, sorry, I'm American. Big smile. I'm American. Big smile.

I'm American, everybody. I love being American. There's something about us. Totally. We're loud. We're fat. We're big. I like us.

I go over there and I'm like, I'm American. We're poorly red. I haven't read anything. I don't know anything. I don't, I'm smart in America and that's what's beautiful to me. I keep just opening the Al Pacino autobiography and closing it. Yeah, I don't think that's one that you need to read. But it's the only one I'm drawn to.

Yeah. So when he was, was he, when, you told him you didn't know. I said, I didn't even know what it was. Is the word cattle in it? C-A-T-A-L-A-N, Catalan. Yeah. The language of a region in Spain. We're going to get, we are going to get eviscerated.

Oh, people are going to be very mad. They're going to Google it. And they're going to share facts that they just found out. Yeah. How dare you not know cattle in? How fucking dare. Well, it probably died off. Like, I'm sure there's some like colonization factor.

I had a really fun tour guide in Amsterdam. Yeah. Who mostly I have stories to tell you about being in Europe. That's going to be my contribution. and then I'll ask about your dogs and everything you're having up to as well. I'm going to ask all this stuff about you. In my humidifier.

You humidifier, your jackets. I had a really fun tour guide who he had the same cadence for everything. And he was telling us, he was like, so this guy wanted to be king and he told the Amsterdam government, if you make me to king, I will do your bidding.

And so they make him to king. And guess what he don't do? The bidding. So the Amsterdam government, kill his family in front of him, and then kill him. And so, the consequence, he is no longer to king

and still to this day, they are under Dutch rule. And so, the moral of the story, if you tell your boss, you will do something, you have better do it. Moving on,

like, it was just so like, yeah, I was obsessed with him. It was like a mad TV audition. Yes, and he continued to say the consequence about everything. And so this painter

was never famous when he lived, but when he died, the consequence, he become very famous and death. He just would say deconsequence all the time. And I was like, I'm kind of addicted to you. I love you.

It's very hypnotic, even what you're saying. And so, to consequence? Oh, I've been walking around saying it. Isn't that a beloved character, that cadence? I'm trying to place what that is. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Are people laughing or stifling? People are not laughing.

People are very serious. There was an older man in my group from Pennsylvania or New Jersey around there. He was shooting his hand up every time a question came up. Oh, geez. Like our guy would be like, to answer it. Oh, yeah. Guy would be like,

Who thinks they know the purpose of the painting? Like, I would be like, oh, love. Like, he was so locked in on answering the questions. And I was grateful because I didn't want to do it.

This, I had a Dutch exchange student named Pauline who wanted to teach me all about sex in high school. We were in French class and she says,

Chris, you need to know about sex. Hold on. I think she was like 31. Hold on. Yeah. She was an exchange student to your school. Yes. Not to your home. No.

And she wanted to teach you about sex. When you were doing that accent, I was like, why does this happen? I thought it was a beloved character, but just in my life, it's what you were doing Pauline. Pauline. Yeah. And did you? Pauline was whispering explicit sex tricks. She was like Cosmo, but this foreign exchange student named Pauline. Blonder than you could ever imagine. Like, look like, you know, you know, Ted Danson in that new, you know how poorly lit that new show is on Netflix? No way. You can like see his gallbladder. It's like,

He's fully trans- You know how Netflix is shot? I don't want to talk about about Netflix. It's not much longer that we're going to have anywhere else to go. Please don't. Please don't talk about Netflix right. I'm sorry. We need to be very careful, Chris.

You're right. They're going to own this podcast like next week. No, no, Pluto's going to own this podcast. Mooby. I'm actually interested in Mooby. Mooby, hit me up. There's one where you can watch the Oscars and it's free, but if the second the Oscars end,

it's an $80 a day subscription. Do you know what I'm talking about? I think it might be Fobo. Yeah, Fubo. Yeah. Fubo. Paramount Plus just emailed me. They're raising prices. They said, we're raising your subscription.

I had it for sports or something. Yeah, for Yellowstone. I have all of them. Wait, did you sleep with the Pauline? No, no, no, no. She was trying. She was definitely, she was selling it in an educational way. Chris, she wanted to fuck you.

She was so playful about it. I don't know even where she was staying. This was also, this was also a class where I would, I would just say, in friends, you can say, bon, a bon weekend to have a good weekend. And I would just write that as the answer to every on the tests. And Madam McAil loved that. And so I would get 100% on every exam.

That's not good. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. You shouldn't have been passing that class. She lived four hours from the school. And so if it ever snowed, she'd sleep in the nurse's office. If there was ever a chance of flurries, Madam McHale, you would go in and in the morning.

She's just a drool coming down. Never set foot in the movie theater. I'm not kidding. She'd never been to a movie. Mrs. McHale. Fucking rock. So imagine Mrs. McHale. I'm trying to get Mrs. McHale to gossip

so we don't have to do French. I'm like, hey, Mrs. McHale, what do you think about the principal? And Pauline's like, and then a hand job. No, if you, an outdoor hand job. Wait, why didn't you sleep with her?

You weren't attracted. This was my junior year. I didn't even. It took me a long time to understand when that somebody was flirting with me. I'm just processing how badly this girl wanted to sleep with you and kind of feeling for every day she's showing up thinking of new sex facts to tell you, hoping that you'll use one of them. No, I think that she was sensing such a hopelessness to me that she was trying.

It was like a tutoring thing. Yeah. Which I'm sure is like I could see that being a rom-com that Justin Long is in. Yeah. that I would watch. Oh, totally. With like Bernadette Peters, like someone much older.

Yeah. When you say you don't know where she was staying. Yeah. I think we never really... Take it from the top. Do me a favor. Kick your bobo over on the rug, please. I'm losing so much money in Airbnb security deposits

from just simple syrup. You wouldn't believe how sticky my habitat. Tats are. Because what do you mean you don't know where she stayed? She didn't have a host family? I don't know.

And then we had two Germans named Marlene. There's a table if you want it. No, that's too far. If I don't have it in my site. Right. Ooh. Yeah.

Katie Birmingham, mind you. Who's Katie Birmingham? Katie designed this. She designed my HBO special. She did the set design for me HBO special and she did this. She's working on this whole set, her and Quinn.

She tiled this? She did. She did. It's so nice. You don't know if she had a host family? I had a one-eyed tile man. I'm not even kidding. Chris, I'm begging you.

So everything, everything curved. It sounds like a street joke. It's not. What do you mean? Yeah. You hired a one-eyed tile guy? Polly. Stop.

At which place? Tight ponytail. This is your place in the mountains? No. This was two, three places ago. The place in the mountains. Have I told you about the woodpeckers coming in?

No, but last time we, it's always. fucking something with this house. The last time we talked to you told me the chandelier exploded. Yeah, but I was warned by a ghost by that. There's a door that swings open. Anyway, we'll get back to that. No. Get back to what? Woodpeckers are getting in.

Where? How? Woodpeckers are just, they come every morning as soon as I leave into the house. Yeah. And they're getting closer and closer into the house. And my neighbor is this guy who I call Barb, because I can't remember his name. But he's got an earring. He's like a libertarian. It's like a, it's like an earring belly button but homophobic. I knew all that. Yeah. Yeah. I guessed all that. He's like, he keeps giving

me discs to put up to prevent. He's like, those woodpeckers are going to, they're going to be in your house in a matter of weeks if you don't stop this. And I'm like, if they get in, it's theirs. Yeah. Do you feel bad that you didn't put up the discs? No. I had a neighbor tell me once at my house in Kin City. He said he didn't talk much to anybody in the neighborhood. He would talk to me sometimes. Yeah. And I took him brownies when I moved in. You were. I took him brownies when I moved in, so we developed a little bit of a friendship. I thought you were saying you stole brownies from him. No, never.

I took him brownies. No, I took him brownies. I took him brownies and I ate them brownies. And I ate them brownies. It's like an old, it's like an old folklore tale. Or it's like, yeah, yeah. It's kind of like a mom's mably plunch one. He said, put, you need to, he said, you need to put a raccoon protection around that part of your house right there because they're digging over there.

They're trying to get in there. Yeah. And I didn't. And they got in. They got in. They got into the house. They got into the space under the house, and it caused a lot of problems. They were making crazy noises under there.

With their little burles cans. Yes. They got in, and I called a pest guy, and I was like, you know, if I don't do something about it, he was like, it's going to cost this much money. I was like, if I don't, he goes, well, one of them is going to die in there, and that's going to be a way bigger problem. That's the problem. Yeah.

That's the problem. So you can't let the woodpeckers get in there, Chris. Oh, no, no, no. What's done is done. They're in. You're letting them in? I'm telling you they're like that close to getting all the way through. Yeah.

Yeah. So just pecking the side of your house away? Yeah. Remember when Mark Maren's podcast was all about, the first 17 minutes was all about the skunk over the raccoons that got under his house? Do you remember that period? Oh, you were probably in middle school. Listen to Maren's podcast. I'm sorry to him.

I have never listened to Maren's podcast. I think once on a road trip I got really mad, actually. My college improv team and I rode trip from Missouri to New York to do a free improv show at UCB because we thought it would help us get somewhere. Yeah. Exposure. On a level that you actually can't imagine unless you've been in it. Oh, I've been at it. I used to do bringer shows. And on like our, we did straight. We drove straight.

And we slept on a guy that I'd never met's floor who was a graduate of my fraternity in bedstay. You were in a fraternity. Go ahead and work on all that. No, no. There's a lot. I mean, I'm still in college improv team. On like hour 17 of the drive, the guys were insistent that we listen to Mark Marin podcast. They're like, we need to listen to Marin. I was like, for what? They're like, it's just something to do. I was like, music is something to do. And so was being quiet.

I did not. I was so pissed. I was pissed that we had to listen to a fucking podcast. And they accuse me of being a dictator, which I am. There is a pill that you can take to put you down for the first 17, and then you wake back up after he's done. And then the guest is on. The Marin pill? Yeah. I took a 17-hour drive from Chicago to Boston,

and I wanted to go to a Krispy Cream with my friend Hartford that was added two hours to the trip. Yeah. And we got there, and I had the Krispy Creams. And he was reading me the ingredients of the Krispy Creams. It's like aluminum. Yeah. arsenic. Seagulls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your loved ones. Yeah. And I am just, I'm not talking. He's listing. I pull over to a rest stop. I don't say anything. I get out and I just casually vomit. I just spew, you know, like spitting up.

You made yourself vomit? No, no, the Krispy creams. I drove after driving two hours out of the way. I had to pull over into a rest stop and just. Yeah. Yeah, just let him out. Ha. And then get, while he's wearing the Krispy Cream hat.

Yeah. And I get back in and keep driving. We also totaled that van because he backed me. The guy tried to back me and he was backing me into a dumpster. Yeah. And Harford didn't want to, my friend didn't want to override that guy's authority. Yeah. And so I just, I hit a dumpster going maybe 15.

There are, at this exact moment in the conversation, yeah. There are no fewer than 15 threads I'm trying to keep track of. Yeah. Because I want to know what is supposed to be happening. Yep. I think right now the one that's coming to mind is one-eyed tile man. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Joey. Joey. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I had a landlord who would, he was trying to evict us. And he would be, he would be drunk at night. And he'd call me.

And he'd be like, that's it. You're out. And then he'd pause and he'd be like, you ever see Steely Dan live? Oh, wait, he fucking rocks. And then he'd be like, can you send Joey your video about polyamory? Because he was, Joey, the title guy was polyamorous. Yeah. And this, yeah.

A one-eyed tile guy named Joey who's polyamorous. Yeah. Do we know where he is now? Yeah, yeah. He's still in L.A. Oh, nice. Driving around the coolest old truck. Oh, they always do.

I don't know if he's still Polly. Polly people, not one-eyed people. Yes. Yes. You don't know if he's still Polly, but he still drives around the little truck. Oh, yeah. And it's like a McConnor-Haye thing.

That's a beautiful life. Yeah. McConaughey trademarked all right, all right, all right. Did you see that? When he went out. All right. And they, did you read this? No.

McConaughey trademarked, all right, all right, all right. And it specifically says, like, whereas the all is lower pitched and the second right is higher pitched, they've trademarked the cadence. Jesus Christ. He says it's to protect against the Ayes, so I kind of got on board with it. You know, I, I shamefully am okay with,

McConnor does, I think. My one problem is he is using too much contrast in his photos of himself. Yeah. Well, you know all those guys are, like they're taking their roles right now based on whether or not they think it'll affect their run for the presidency. Like him, Chris Pratt, they're all right now, they're all coordinating roles what they do

and don't take based on how will this look when I run for president? That's what they're all building for. McConaughey and The Rock want to be president so bad. McConaughey, would you vote? For him? Yeah. No. Yeah.

No. What do you think he would? Which party? I can tell you that none of them would be rocking with the platform I'm trying to do. No. I can tell you that none of them are going to put up. a platform that I go, all right. Yeah. I'm not going to see Chris Pratt's platform and be like, you know what? Yeah. Catholicism does need to make a comeback. You really think Chris Pratt would

run? I think they all want to. Isn't he like on an island in the Pacific Northwest right now? Is he? Yeah. I think he's like, I think he's full Christian, full just like living reclusively. He's totally full Christian. Look, I love, I support all of them running. I think anything would genuinely be better than what we have going on. Yeah. But I, I think, I just think it's funny that you get to a certain level of being like a that guy movie star and you go, Yeah. I gotta be fucking president, I think. Oh, totally.

Like, there's something just clicks in your head where he goes, something to be president. Well, it's a Marquis de Sade situation. Who? Marki De S, like, when he had every pleasure available to him, he had to start doing fucked up stuff. Who was this? Like hunting.

Marky Dissau? The Marquis Dissot. Yeah, yeah. It's like when you have access to everything, you've got to start getting fucked up. Is this like a tale? Who is Marky Dissau? I told you I was kind of a dumb guy.

No, you're not. I'm like coming out as a dumb guy lately. How so? I'm a smart guy in certain realms, but I don't know what you're talking about right now. It's like the Catalan thing all over again. Marquis de Sade was like this incredibly wealthy guy. When?

Probably 1400s. And he really lived? Cape. Paul Bunyan thing or real guy? More Paul Bunyan than real guy? Do we think? What do you think? Nicole, can we Google Marquis de Saad, real guy Paul Bunyan?

He started, he became, he was like one of the first perverts. He was a French writer. Oh, he was real. He was a real guy, nobleman, best known for his libertine, novels, an imprisonment for sex crimes. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what I'm saying, like, McConaughey, it's like, what stone is left unturned?

The Oval Office. Yeah. Once you have everything. What do you get for the man who has it all? The presidency. Yeah, of course he was doing sex crimes. I'm looking at a photograph of him and he almost had no choice. I don't know.

I don't know if we call that a photograph. I'm looking at a photograph of this man. I don't know that he had a choice but to do sex crimes. Yeah. Some people were just born for it. know? That's obviously not true. And I want to just say on the record that I'm kidding.

He looks so rough. Yeah. He does. Oh, in the painting. No, he still looks pretty. Yeah.

He looks like Hans Zimmer in that one. Now, why'd they do a fat one of him? They always do a fat one. Why is he fat in that one? That's got to be someone else. Yeah. I thought he was a little more fanciful.

Like, yeah. I imagine like a lot of cool outfits. Oh, God. A pillar of the French establishment. I mean, I've never, I don't know. I don't,

why were we talking about him? Who's, oh, running. Yeah, everyone wants to be present. And I don't know. It's very funny to me. Oh, what I was going to tell you. Yeah. I went to a one person show. Yeah. In one of these cities in Europe. Oh. Okay. Okay. I was pretty stoned. I got pretty stoned. Yeah. You were abusing marijuana. I was abusing marijuana. Yeah. As I am want to do. Yeah. I went to this one person show. It was, you're going to think I'm exaggerating when I say this, Chris. You're going to

think, oh, Caleb's being silly. He's doing it for effect. Yeah. It was one hour of screaming. Are you being silly? Are you doing this for effect? It was an hour of screaming. The only time that the screaming stopped, it is a black box theater, pretty full. Nice. One person on the stage, screaming. Oh, oh, you don't. Screaming. Not screaming words. No. We're not talking about a gold wait. Yeah. Screaming. Okay. You stayed. Stopped. Had to. Couldn't leave. It was a hard way to leave. You'd have to walk through the scream. I, there was, it was screaming to walk through the scream.

The only time that the person stopped screaming was to drink a glass of milk in front of us. Stop screaming. Came, walked into the room to start the show, sat down a glass of milk, stepped back, began screaming. Yeah. Guteral screams, moans, body twisting, screaming, screaming, stopped, drank the milk in front of us for maybe 30 seconds. One of these? Big one of those. Back to screaming. Screamed the whole time. I'm laughing hysterically. Yeah. Yes. I don't know if it's what they wanted. Yes. But I will say at one point, I was laughing so much that they laughed a little bit, the performer. Like,

They in the middle of the screen. I was laughing so hard that I don't think they had a choice. Like, they were like this. They were like, ah! Like, they laughed a little bit at my laugh. Yeah, that's clowning. Clowns are going to mirror you. Clowns I can't get into today.

No, I know. I know. You obviously know that's going to be a trigger for me. I know. I can't get into it with clowns today. There's six clowns in L.A. that if given the chance, I would put them behind bars. Oh, yeah.

When the Hulu series comes out about the fucking clowns. There's six clowns in LA that I would put behind bars. Oh my god. I mean, really it just clowning, it just teaches you to be comfortable bombing is really all that is. That's all. And I... Being okay wasting an audience is time. And they're really confident when they do it.

Yeah. Because that's the whole practice. Chris, I'm begging you. And obviously the beard is down to it is the most cubic beard. They're naked for doing. no reason. The clothes have to come off when the clowns do their thing. Sometimes in a way that you're like, it could have never enhanced

the bit. Well, the clown master always suggests the hotties get nude. I think your clown might be naked. Some of the uggos are getting naked as well, though. You have to admit, Chris, I've seen some ugly naked clowns. Do you remember the first time you were asked earnestly if you were taking clown classes? Has this happened to you? Yes.

The clown, they try to claim me. They say, oh, they say. They say you got it in you. Hey kid, you got it in you. They try to claim me. No, because you write. Yes. You couldn't clown because you write.

That's right. Not all clowns don't write. There are some clowns that write. Natalie Palamedis writes. Oh, she's different. She's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are some of them that write.

But I'm saying, like, a lot of them, the reason they've come to clowning is because they looked at every possible talent, saw none of it in themselves, and said, I can roll around. And that's how they got there. And so, of course, you're not going to end up there. Yes. That's a lot of the clowns. Completely.

Natalie is also the only performer, the only comedian who has ever during my set. But we've been on a lineup together. I was doing stand-up, and the audience starts laughing at something that I'm not doing. And I look around and Natalie is on stage with me. I want to do that at one of your shows. It is the funny. She was just, imagine just seeing Natalie. Why'd she come out?

Did you beckon? She had me be a deer in her thing. Yeah. And so she thought it was a two-way street. Which I get. I mean, I get. I mean. Wait, can I tell you something that you might not know about our friendship?

Yes. Mine and yours friendship? Oh, yeah. I came. I was in Chicago when you taped your special. And I tried to come to your after party. I heard about this. He went to the blind barbler.

I ended up, so I went to the first after-party location. And it was like a club was like... It was like a cage fight, right? It was like teens. It was a club with like teenagers waiting to get in. Yeah. I think there was a really wealthy man who was hunting. people. Yeah. I walked up and saw the line and I said, this can't be the place. And it was.

Yeah. And then I got text messages that said, go to this other place. I went to a hotel. I walked in the hotel and I go, I'm here for the after party and they go, ah, one moment. Ramon, a man named Romon comes over and walks me down a staircase into a basement. That guy was the fucking worst. I got, I got, I escorted into a speakeasy. He turned me away. What? Yeah. Well, how'd you get in? Uh, I forget. I was so out of it. Yeah. Anyway, but you, but you, were there. I go to the speakeasy. You're not there. Let me for the record, I did not select a speakeasy. I go, I go to the speakeasy. I am so against speakeasy. It was the backup in you because your first place didn't work. Yes. And then I ended up in the speakeasy. Yes.

I'm bad at places. If it were up to me, it would be a field. Yeah. Yeah. And I just, I wasn't there for long. Yeah. Because I said, Chris is not coming. What I convinced myself you weren't going to come. I was like, this is some kind of bit. Yeah. This is some sort of performance piece. There was a lady who was at the stage door who wanted to tell me that I bought her car. I just shot the special two shows. So I'm a complete... Hosk, yeah. I'm just like, huh? And there's a woman's like, you bought my car. Please believe me. And you need to do this to the battery. Because she was right. The battery, I was needing to get the car jumped every morning. I need to turn the battery because it's this like, this car, it's like a six,

pound car. It's true like a me me. This is the one that's like European. It drives on the wrong side. Japanese. I drive on the wrong side. And you don't you keep getting pulled over? Cops are like they,

cops drive by and they're like, do we shoot, should we shoot the tire? You know, no, we got bigger fist or fry. But I'm almost getting, almost going away for a long time in that thing. Yeah. Every single day. And she told you a trick about the battery that worked?

Finally. Well, then good that she found you, right? But my, you wouldn't believe, I thought that you could get roadside assistance by Geico for free, but if you jump it continually, you wouldn't believe. And also, I already, it's already hiked up

because I, well, I won't get into what I've done on the road. I treat my neighborhood like it's my driveway. Yeah. So I do a lot of, I, a lot of rolling stops, you know? You're not stopping fully at stop signs. In, in your neighborhood. Of course, it's your neighborhood. Yeah.

That's okay. Roll, it's considered a rolling stop. On a VESPA? Yeah. I use my legs a lot to drive because my legs Because there's more, there's more, my legs, knees are more dexterous than these. God gave you legs for a reason. Yeah. Drive with them. God gave me the ladies for a reason.

Yeah, the girls. Yeah, as I call them. You do. I said, where are the girls? And you come skimpering in, yeah. Madam, Mademoiselle. Exactly. You know, this is my comedy leg, and this is my, this is the leg I tore my meniscus.

Irish step dancing when I was on high school. Did you have to? In my bedroom. I can't. Did you have to have surgery? Oh, of course I did. They told me I never dance again. and I had to recover under

I printed out a tiny there's a tiny little clipping of Michael Flatley Lord of the dance He has every cluster B personality disorder Okay Okay I had a little clipping of him And I'm recovering in my bed underneath this

And I He was just out of arms reach I couldn't tear him down Because I was trying to be like Michael Flatley Yeah In my bedroom Have you what was dance since? Oh yeah

Usually I resched Yeah Oh okay No I was a dance minor in college Almost Really? It sounds like concentration. You were almost a dance minor.

That's the choreography class. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, why did you get surgery for? I had football. Forget it. I can't think of something more delineating between the two of us than that both of us had surgery in high school, connecting piece. Yeah.

Both of them were on our knees. Yes. Which knee? Right. Yeah, me too. You know something crazy? House left? Uh, hey, put your...

Stage right? Give me a favor. Put your fingers right here where mine are. I thought you'd never ask. And then get your foot off of my foot. Sorry. He's boundary. Hold on.

Hold on. You better not be doing a party trip right now. No. It's because I turn my angle weird. Hold on. I'm going to untangle from you. Okay. What am I feeling for?

Hold on. Oh, I'm hearing something. Hold on. You better not be doing Pilates right now. It's legit not doing it anymore. Oh, there it goes.

Okay. Here. Yeah. I'll bring you up like this. Okay. Yeah. The way this is going to go viral on Tumblr. Oh!

Oh! You felt it. You felt it. What is that? Well, that's my fake. My fake, my thing from my surgery. Yeah. My cartilage in between the two bones had gotten like,

like this bone and this bone were rubbing against each other and snapping off on the ends. And my coach told me to stop being a pussy and play through it. And I did. And then I had to get surgery. And then after I got surgery, I was like 15. Yeah. My mom was like, you can keep playing football if you want, but I would recommend finding something else to do. Yeah.

And I did. I started doing student council. Yeah. That's much better. Yeah. Did you go along? Can I touch anything on your? Did you get along with the football people?

Oh. Is there anything that it'll do or no? I'm trying to think. No fun pops or anything? Oh, I mean, nothing predictable. Well, if you don't have one, you have to make one. If you grab both of these and you start swinging me around. Like an old laundry basket?

Yeah. I'll start to scream. Oh. Yippee! Let's do it later. Miss Pat picked me up like that once and I'm on a panel. I love being here with you. Who?

Miss Pat. Oh, I've heard of her. I don't know her. Oh, she's wonderful. I've only heard of her. Oh, she's amazing. She seems great. So funny.

Yeah? She picked me up truly like a picnic basket. Why did she pick you up? It was in context, but she grabbed me by... I guess I'm asking what the context is. I can get really small. Oh, we were just on a panel. You can't get super small.

I do. I can get super small. I'm like an octet. You know how octopi can go down the drain? Yeah. That's you? Yeah. You were on a panel and she had to pick you up.

Yeah. Yeah, we were carrying the panel because there was a lot of like quiet. people were kind of just being quiet. Of course, of course. And we were just saying shit and not understanding each other. And I think she was, I think it was a putative measure. How often are you getting invited to something and saying no? What would you think?

Like, hmm. I'm in like the hundreds per day at this point. Yeah, you say, no, I love saying. I'm not taking, I'm not talking interpersonally. There would be no valor in turning down like hanging out with friends. No, no, no, no. Like work events. Oh, yeah.

Some of the things that they come up with to invite you to. I mean, don't you just find it's like, it gets crazier every day. completely. They're like the sticky awards would really love to have you show face on the green carpet. The sticky awards. They need you to show up on the green carpet.

They need you there. And it's in Buffalo. And it's in Buffalo. And it's in Buffalo. And a comedian you don't like is hosting. Just so you know. And they'd love for you to come. They do not have a budget.

It's weird. It's never adjacent to what you, like the taste that you think would like you either. Yeah. It's, I don't know how it happens. Yeah. I often forget to respond to things.

That's okay. And that's, that's, I feel like you say no a lot. I feel like you're. I, I start, I live at no and I have to be dragged out of it with a knife to my throat. Yeah. I would say is how I would describe my approach to going to things. Like events or like doing. Work things.

Work events. Like, like even like, or even guesting on podcasts. I'm sure you're saying no to. I don't go on a lot of podcasts. I go on my friends' podcasts. I'll go like when I'm promoting something. I'm sure the next time I'll promote something I'll go on a bunch. But that's not because I'm better than it or anything.

It's just because I spend so much time doing my own podcast that if I say yes to all these other podcasts, all of a sudden, 12 hours a week I'm podcasting. Well, and if you do the wrong podcast, you truly feel like you're at the kind of college. It's the way that they're... It's really bad. Yeah.

It's really, really bad. Yeah. It shaves six to eight months off my life. Yeah. Doing the wrong ones. 100%. And you know the second it starts, you go, oh, I've made a big mistake.

Yeah. when it's like, oh yeah, I just, I get really, really scared. Chris, why are you the way you are? Oh, God. Well, answer them. Chris, hold on. Answer them. There's something about a new workout set. There's something about a new, leave it all in. There's something about a new workout set that makes you feel unstoppable.

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You're really good at preserving, I think, yourself probably. Well, I need to be hanging out most of the time. Yeah. That's part of my... That's so smart. We need to be having nothing to do most of the time. Don't you think? Yeah.

A day where there's something on my calendar is tyranny. Same. I feel like no one has ever gone through anything worse than what I have to go through if I have a 4 o'clock 20-second call. Yeah. No, for real. I truly am like this is I've long said this dust bowl era

Yes Me and my Me and my hound Yeah yeah I have my Going from town to town Rocksack Yes but

There's another one Catalan No you put it over your shoulder My Bindle You know Bindle Bindle Bendle It's a bisexual candle

No Okay You take you take a like a cloth And you tie it around a stick Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah You know Bindle Donald Duck would use it when he'd fall on hard times. Yeah.

When Daisy would kick him out. The aunt. For cheating. Do you think he cheated? I know he cheated. Have you ever cheated? No. No.

Me neither, but I'm fascinated by it. By cheating? Yeah, because it is hot. In fiction, it's hot. You know, don't you think people are probably having a really hot time? I hear what I'm saying. Do I cheat? No, I'm not a cheater.

I've always been of the mind that if you're not enjoying someone, you should just leave them and go do what you wanted to do. However, I think people who are cheating are having a very hot time. Yeah. Don't you think when they're cheating, they're going, fuck, this is so hot that I'm cheating right now. I think that's why they do it. I think, yes. I think this is a lot of what you see at a certain type of bad restaurant.

You see a lot of people cheating, a lot of guys in their fit, bald guys in their 50s. I'm scared. Oh, I think that whenever you see a guy in blazer and jeans, yeah. He's at least trying to cheat. He wants to cheat. Yeah. He's open to cheating.

Or the Seinfeld sneakers with suit trying to cheat. Wow. Yeah. That's really scary to think about. Trying and failing to cheat, I think there is. If you don't even pull that, if you hit your chin on the pool and don't pull it off, I think there is a ring of hell for that.

Yeah. That's a really good point. Airport bars. I got really scared when you said bad restaurant because I think you might be talking about some of my favorite places. Well, I have terrible... You know, I've never given a restaurant recommend.

No one's ever come to me for restaurant wrecks. That makes sense to me. People don't want to know where I eat. Yeah. You know, I'm mostly... I do, but I don't want to go. I'm post food. I'm mostly drinking stuff.

I know you, I'm really actually starting to get, I know it's been like a thing we've talked a lot about in our friendship and it's been kind of a recurring theme when you come on the show. I am approaching a point where I'm worried about your boba consumption. Mel nourish. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your boba consumption is getting out of control. Well, there's a theory that I'm metabolized sugar like alcohol. So I might be getting fucked up. Like, I may have just the reason why I, when I was drinking, it may have just been the mixers that were fucking me up.

Yeah. I think I've told you this. Yeah. Okay. You said there's a theory that. And by that you just mean you've kind of thought maybe. people DM me hey I think this is what's happening like a lot of like um I hope they're medical people but there's like a way that sugar can be metabolized they're not just so you know with all my love

they are not they are not medical people maybe yeah you might be right yeah but no I I I should I should cut back on Boba but I'm just worried I'm just worried about your dependency on it not because I care about what you put in your body I don't worry about that kind of stuff I just me what's going to happen someday if you don't have access to Boba. I thought about like a yellow jacket. Is it going on the top? A yellow jackets. Exactly like that. Yeah. I'd go crazy. Yeah. I mean, I would write a manifesto day one of not being able to have Boba.

I would occupy a state building the second. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You're going to see me on the roof and a moo-moo? Yeah. Yeah. Occupying a statement. Must get on the back. Please. I'm, I really do. I'm concerned about the day this happens. What's your crutch? my crutch oh everything I eat horrid I love to have a good time

yes I love to have a good time keep the party going too carp by dame have a doctor pepper I like to have a big ice vanilla latte I'll tell you something about Europe they think they got a lot of things figured out their buildings may be older their languages may be more beautiful but America is the greatest fucking country on earth because we have ice vanilla lattes on every corner yes do vanilla they won't figure out how to do ice in the lattes a lot of them and they're small right it's like little little dixie cups and they think they're just so much better than us because they're all thin and cultured

and they've been to a million countries. And they resolve their issues with each other if they have interpersonal stuff. It just makes me upset. Yeah. It just makes me upset. I love traveling. I get really angry when I go there. To Europe? Oh yeah. Well, I have a beautiful time looking at the museums but the coffee situation is out of control. You know I'm coming over here. Make me

one. Totally. I found some, I found a vanilla syrup plug in Amsterdam. What? The young ladies who worked at the coffee shop I was staying next to in Amsterdam. Vanilla is not on the menu. But I went in, I said, is it possible for me to get an ice vanilla latte. I know, I know. Kill me. Shoot me dead. And they go, they laughed and they said, it's not on the menu, but we have some that we keep just for us.

We'll give you some. And every day I was in Amsterdam, I went and they made me an ice vanilla latte. Except for, on the fourth day, I go in there, new girl working. And I go, hey, some of the other people who work here have been hooking me up with an ice vanilla latte. I don't know if you'd be interested in perhaps doing the same. Throw me a bone. She goes, we don't have vanilla on the menu. Right. I go, no, no, I know. I just, I know that right in that little fridge over there, She was a company man. She was a company man. And it's sick.

And she would inform on me in a, in a Nazi situation, by the way. Oh, yeah. She's just, she's a component of the state of con. That's, let's keep cupping the balls of the man. You know who that is? That's someone who retweets SNL videos. Yeah. Yeah.

Just corporate. Doing grassroots organizing for Lauren Michaels. I said, I know. But there's a bottle back there. And she goes, I don't know what you're talking about. I said, okay. I'll have just a latte, ice latte. I'll put sugar in it.

I'll put some of that brown sugar in it that doesn't dissolve. That's what I'll do. Sounds good. I'm pissed. We're talking about it before the episode. I'm mad. Yeah. I saw you punching the drywall.

I had a bad coffee every day. You could... I had an old boss at a coffee shop who would smuggle Abba records into Iran back in the day when it wasn't allowed. You could do this with vanilla syrup. Yeah. Into Amsterdam. They have it. They have access to it.

They just don't want to use it. It's a private stash. It's a private stash. They don't want to use it for the customers. They don't want Americans to come around. I think. Yeah. I think they don't like us.

Which isn't fair. I'm not the government. I'm just Caleb. It's tough to be disliked. I freak out the second someone dislikes me. Really? Oh, yeah. I feel like you're so impervious to that sort of thing.

Do you have a fragile ego? Oh, so fragile. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Very much so. But I'm usually pretty tolerated. Yeah.

People haven't... Why just downright love you? People haven't had a hard time with me. Typically, it's like, okay. You get away with murder, actually. Oh, yeah. You say things about people that I'm like, if I did that, I would be in trouble. Oh, but it only makes them wilder for me when I say it.

Yeah. Or Bigley, it won't stop ringing me. Yeah. Have you said things about Mike? Oh, so many things. Yeah? I can't stop talking about it. You really get away with these things.

I don't know how. Yeah, I think it's a kink people have. Yeah. Yeah. They want you to talk about them. Yeah. I did this about someone recently where someone was like, you can't, you can't do that. Really?

Yeah, I forget who it was. but I just... Wait, they hit you up, the person you were talking about? No, my friends were like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, careful, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'd love if you did a bit about me. I mean that. I could never.

I would love if you did. No. I recently convinced a musician friend to put me in a song. Album's not out yet, but I'm in there. You're like... I'm low in the mix. My name is low in the mix. It's like a background vocal?

Yeah, I wouldn't say background, but... In what context? My name is low in the mix. Keyloon. Almost. Who's the musician? I can't say. You're always hanging out with,

you're like popping up with like the the harpsichord player from Florence and the machine. You ever been to church? Oh yeah, Catholic church. Really? You were Catholic? Oh, yeah. Still are?

Yeah. You're Catholic? Yeah. Are you really? Oh, yeah. Do you go? I would occasionally. You believe in the Catholic God?

Yeah. I didn't know this about you. And you're going or no going? I go with my family occasionally on holidays. Yeah. Out of fear. We go out of fear. you being Catholic is really sending me

Massachusetts man but still to this day Catholicism I'm very surprised by that he's listening he's listening right now I guess I don't know much about your politics like we're pretty good friends I feel but I don't know much about your politics actually huge Jeb Bush woman myself

Yeah big jab voter I clapped Okay I was really bad at history So what I do is I just get my politics from my most progressive friends Yeah and that's where I go off of. You know, my mom is a really sweet lady

who is not political. Yeah. And I have to check in every once in a while. We had to check in this morning. I checked in about ICE. I was like, just want to make sure you know what's going on and I want to make sure you're up to date

and you hate this and you feel really like this is a bad thing. Yeah. Because I'm sure she does. And of course she does. Yeah. And she was like, yeah, she was like, this is so fucked up.

I'm so upset about it. Yeah. And I was like, good. But you just, she's a nice enough Midwestern lady. Yeah. That like if a really loud person in a, room says something convincingly. She doesn't

go along with it or believe it. Yeah. But she she'll scratch her head a little bit. Well, I think it's tough for people who aren't following the girlies on Instagram. Yeah. I think we can base a lot of what the stories, you know, I see the girlies. I'm like, okay, I'll follow the girlies. This is where we're going. Yeah. This is where things are headed. When the girlies post

about, I'm like, okay, this is where I stand on this. That's where you get things. I'm politically very, very stupid. Are you? Yes. Yes. Wow. History, I could never, I cause an effect. I can't understand. understand why the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand led to World War I

and you could sit me down I didn't know he had passed I'll have to send something that's so sad to the Ferdinand's yeah yeah they're family friends I know I know you have a shirt like house it's a long story no you saw the chicks with them yeah well I've never seen the chicks

no do you know that I keep getting robbed what do you mean I've seen the chicks I keep it keeps getting stolen from me I I I keep meaning to go and then I got tickets to the chicks and then I had a job I had to go do my friends went to the chicks without me on my tickets my seats on your dollar

yes well not my dollar I they were given to me but well maybe I did pay for them but the point is I've never seen the chicks live they're my favorite band yeah but I've always missed them I was supposed to see them in Ken City with a friend couldn't be there had to be off for work have you communicated with them the chicks yeah they don't speak to me

they don't reach out and I know that they've heard of me because I talk about them so much has to have gotten to them. Yeah. They don't reach out. I think that's really good for them. I think that's wise. Yeah.

I want to someday meet all of them on, one of them just opened a laundromat. I'm very proud of her. Cool. I believe it was Emily. I went to one of those and I was like, I want this for a closet. Laundromat?

Like how big all those things are. You know what I'm talking about? The moving thing. I'm afraid I don't. Oh, dry cleaner. You're talking about the dry cleaner. I'm thinking about a dry cleaner. That's beautiful.

I think that you should have that in your closet. That's what I was just in a hotel with a walk-in closet. it. That wasn't feel like I should be in there. A sex in the city walking? Not quite. Not quite. But it was nice. Yeah. It was nice and I felt like I shouldn't be. When I'm in nice hotels. Sometimes I go, they know that I shouldn't be in here.

Oh, same. Yeah. They go, you should have never come here. No, I, I'm the way I'm watched in every nice building I'm ever in. Yeah. And they make sure I check out. My checkout time's like 7 a.m. They give you a special one. Yeah, 6 a.m. You have to check out at 7. Check out at 6.

Yeah. Yeah. And check-ins at 9 p.m. Yeah. When we were in Madrid, we stayed in a hotel that had a 24-hour indoor pool. We were the only ones using it, and we went crazy on it. I crunch these numbers in hotels. There's probably a billion people in the hotel.

Yeah. At any given time. Zero goose egg in the pool. Yeah. No one's enjoying the pool. The only place they enjoy the pool is at like a hotel like the line. And it's on the rooftop. And it's not even meant to swim.

It's three feet deep. It's just, it's meant to overdose it. It's for hot people to like. It's to Richard the second die in a little after too many mimosis. Yeah. It's for hot people to get a little wet and chat with each other. Yeah. That's what they're for.

Yes. I'm here to swim. I want a big ass body of water. So straight up, I want to race. I ask people to race in the pool all the time. Yes. Oh, I want to race. I want to race from this side to that side.

I'm here to swim. You're doing handstands? I'm doing handsstands. I want to do like belly flops and shit. Like I'm here to play around. My cousin has a pool. and she's got these little kids, five-year-old, and one was on my back.

Little kids talk to me the same way that, you know when you go viral outside of your family, the way people comment on your shit? Yeah. That's how kids talk to me. He's on my back. I'm swimming through this pool. Yeah. He whispers it in my ear,

you even have the neck of a woman. Well, are we in jail? That's a beautiful compliment. That's a beautiful compliment. That's like a true quote from deliverance. Women have beautiful neck. And no one hears. He knows to whisper that.

Yeah. And none of the adults hear that. He's aware. He knows he shouldn't be saying that out loud. But anyway, yeah. When I'm in any opportunity for a pool, I'm in it. I love to swim. Hot tubs?

I used to base social circles around who had the hot tub in high school. Yeah, of course. I want to get one. You ever got hot tub follicitis? Come again? So if they don't clean it out, you can get a bacterial infection called hot tub follicitis. And I actually have a Spotify playlist that's really good called Hot Tub Folliculitis.

Because me and all my friends, we were like, hey, is anyone else's nipples sore? And it was Hot Tubber Likulitis? We all got this thing called Hot Tub Peliculitis in 2019 from this decrepit. Because the amount of care that a hot tub almost bankrupted my friend's family in high school. Because they used to get this guy called the Aquaman to come over, like nightly to fix this thing. Otherwise, you get a step above black mold. You get like generational mold from hot tub if you don't take care of them. Yeah.

So be careful if you get one. Get the cedar kind. It's why I haven't gotten one so far as I know how much work they are. And I neglect my things. It's like owning a horse. Yeah. Okay. How do you mean?

Just the care. You know, it's got, oh, the horse is going to colic if I don't throw it a carrot. If I don't do brain teasers with the horse. Our horse is known to be high maintenance. Oh, yeah. I didn't know that. They live well into their 70s, I think. Do they really?

Can we Google that? Life expectancy horse. Life expectancy horse. I would say maybe 48. It's okay, 25 to 30. So we googled it. It's 25 to 30. Rent a car.

Yeah. Oh, ponies might live into their 30s or 40s though. So wait, wait, wait, hold on. Don't go anywhere to call. Would you bring it back? A 40-year-old horse. Living conditions can push lifespans with records exceeding 50 years. Okay, so the record is like the 50s.

I feel like I'm a 40-year-old horse. Do you? How old? are you? 38. No one knows for sure. It's not recorded anywhere. The doctors believe 38. Yeah, we think. Yeah. Based on the rings. You're 30. I turned 31 next week. I forgot. We're Aquarii. We are.

When's your birthday? 29. Oh my God. Happy birthday almost. And you're having your birthday party in the Arctic tundra. I can't, but I... Where do you have to be? I got the... The stickies. You have the sticky awards. The stickies are in Buffalo. I have to go. Yeah. I have to grace the green carpet. You, okay.

When you turn 30, tell me about it. What happened? 30? Best year of my life. Yeah, same. 30 is the best year of my life. I exiled for the first time. Chris,

I'm dead serious. Same. I felt a relief. You think I'm not being serious with you? I felt like someone, do you know when someone needs to be stabbed a little bit to let some blood out? That you have to let blood? I guess.

Do you know? Oh. When you have like an infection. Yeah. Like a really big infected leg in like a war movie and they have to stab it to let it out. Did you grow up in the 1910? Yeah. The Ferdinans, my family friends.

Yeah, yeah. I think I know what you mean. I felt like that. I felt like I let loose for the, I was like, when I turned 30, I was like, oh, because there was so much pressure in my 20s, I felt to be like, I am young and I'm living my best life and I'm 20 something. And I turned 30 and I was like, well, I'm still young, but I feel like, ah, my 20s are over. I accomplished them. It's the first time I ever stayed still.

You wouldn't believe. I don't believe that you stayed still. I, in terms of not, if you think I move around a lot now. Yeah. Me and my 20s, yeah. Truly like a true cryptid. The amount of the ground I was covering.

Yeah. Never stopping. Yeah. I was famous at parties for a second I would make someone laugh. I'm out of here. That's great though. I'd be every, I would never be in the same place.

And then 30. You've relaxed a little bit. I love that. And I feel the same way. Yeah. I'm turning 31 next week. What about, do you remember anything about your 31st year of life?

And be honest. For once. No. I don't. I don't. No. No. I mean, I don't. It doesn't matter anymore. No, no, no. It stops mattering. It doesn't matter. Princeton didn't count his birthdays, rest of power. One more time? Princeton count his birthdays, rest of power. Well, I still didn't get it. I'm so sorry. Prince. Prince. Didn't count his birthdays. I thought you were saying Princeton counting birthdays. And I thought we were talking about the institution, Princeton. Don't get me started on Princeton counting our birthdays. He didn't? No.

He was a weird guy. Prince, I'm not mad that he didn't count his birthdays, but he was always up to something. The fucking symbol. He was an imp. When I learned about the symbol, it pissed me off. Oh. Just be Prince.

My mom, I think, punched through glass when that wound up in our house. But he was Christian. He was Jehovah's Witness. And he was straight. Oh, yeah. You just could never see anything coming with that guy. You know, he opened for the stones, and he got pelted with Mikulb Ultra bottles.

Really? So much so that he flew back to Paisley Park, which looks like a Macy's, if you ever go to it. Yeah. And he flew back that night. He was like, never again. Wow. He was like bikini bottoms. Yeah, they didn't like the way that he presented clothing-wise.

Keith Richards says he was behaving like a king, even though he was just a prince. That's why he got pelted with the bottles, you think? According to Keith Richards. Yeah, I don't think that's probably why. I think it's because he looked gay at the Rolling Stone show. Yeah. Don't gender bend. Yeah.

Don't bend gender. If you want to open for the Rolling Stone. is probably the headline. Don't open for anybody. I'm gonna be gender, I think, in my 40s. Oh, yeah? Yeah, right now I'm so locked in on boy. I think I'll do they.

I think I'll do like a gender freak thing situation in the 40s. Long one? I'll freak it a little bit. Yeah, like maybe so a rat tail with some beads in it. That'll be the beginning. That of course won't be the extent of it.

I'm not, that wouldn't be the extent of my gender freaking. Forties are, for me, I'm going to do the crop tops. You're going to crop top in the 40s? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, you're turning 39 next week, a week or so from now? Yeah. We're almost to crop tops.

39. How do you feel? I don't think about it. You don't think about it? No, I feel good. I feel good. I was freaking out like a couple years ago, but now I'm feeling like. You were freaking out a couple years ago about your age?

Yeah, and not accomplishing as much as I was hoping to. And then I feel like, you know what? I feel, I actually feel like expressed and like at peace with where I'm at age-wise. What did you want to have accomplished that you didn't at that time? Oh, probably global superstardom. Don't piss me off. Yeah. Is that really it?

Yeah. You wanted to be like play stadiums or something? Oh, totally Machiavellian for a while. Are you being completely serious with me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm accidentally niche. I mean, I was... I didn't want this.

Yeah. Yeah. You didn't want to have to be here. You didn't want to be on the So True podcast. You wanted to be like, you want to be the guy. I wanted to be here, but yeah, I want to like, Regis Philbin. but I looked up to a lot of middle school. I used to wear his ties.

Really? I don't find that part surprising at all. Now what it is, it's, I get, I get recognizing a lot of Buffalo exchanges. Yeah, that makes sense. And Whole Foods, a lot of husbands glaring at me because their wife follows me.

Yeah. I've never clicked on a wife and it's not said follow back. Yeah. I cannot tell you the number of, it's 50-50, whether a straight guy is going to come up to me and be like my biggest fan

in the entire world or, my wife or girlfriend and he won't admit to also liking my stuff. It's really insulting when they tell you someone else likes you. Yeah. Yeah. Like, but what about you? You know? Yeah, what do you think of me?

They don't, they don't, can I get a picture for my girlfriend? I'm like, I guess. What's that going to do? I guess. You must be like getting, getting it everywhere.

Uh, yeah, it's, it's been, it's been a lot more in the last couple of years. I mean, yeah, that makes,

that makes sense, I guess. Yeah. I guess so. I try not to think I like, you know in men in black when they, do the thing and it wipes your memory? Well, they did it to me so I don't remember, but yeah. I try to do that after every, like, can I get a picture, interaction? To yourself. Yeah, I try to just pretend it didn't happen. Because you don't want to build that.

I don't want to become like a monster. And I fear that I would if I really held on to that. For me, it just cures my posture a little bit more every time. You get a little bit more upright. Yeah, I get, yeah, yeah, I uncurl a little bit of that. Yeah. Every time I get a little bit of that. How are your joints and bones? I'm very loose jointed. Yeah. So they're pretty good. Good. Have my dog's been out the whole time? Yeah, I'm just going to turn you a little, I'm going to turn you a little more to your camera just because it's a halfway visual medium. You and I have been slowly turning towards the fireplace the entire episode. Have I just been like a villain the whole time back to just see in the back of my head? Yeah, you've, it's been like your voice is going to be like this in the episode. Like you're like, you're informing on somebody. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think you would ever fall prey to a cult? No. I, uh, I would want to run it. I believe that I. I believe that I. I will start one. Same. I believe that I will start one. Yes. On a farm in Portugal. I believe,

and I'm looking at properties. I believe I will start a cold on a, and I don't want to is the thing. Yeah. I just don't think I have a choice. What would it be like? I think things will get weird enough. It wouldn't be sexual. I can tell that. Not at all. No. And in, it wouldn't be sexual only in the way that everyone gets to sleep with whoever they want and you don't have to. Yeah. I wouldn't do any of the stuff where you have to sleep with someone or you can't sleep with someone. It's normal life, normal world rules on sex. I could see you branding but calling it a tattoo. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. I think things will get weird enough in the states that I'll buy some property in Portugal. Yep. That seems imminent. You love property. I'm like not, I don't think I'm as

low on the list of state enemies as I would like to be at the moment. I think I'm probably on there somewhere. And I think it's only going to get weirder, the more they start to eliminate people ahead of me. Yes. And then I'll buy some property in Portugal. I'll invite a bunch of people to hang out because I'll be bored. Yeah. And then it'll be like, well, why don't you guys just live here? and they'll be like, we can't afford it, and I'll be like, I'll pay the bills, you know? Communal living. Yeah, you guys just work on the vegetables

and I'll pay for the house. Anytime, women can do that. You know, women can do communal living. Anytime a man gets involved, that's when the cult starts. You think so? Always. Yeah, women understand community.

We don't, we understand power, and the women can do that. Am I crazy to think that I understand community? No, you understand, you, that's how the cult starts. That's how the cult starts. That's it. Yeah, we can understand community. But I'm, it's about power,

really. We're too ego driven. That's so scary. You might be right. I like to think I understand community, but I guess maybe underneath it is about power. Maybe I really would. But this is what I'm saying. It would turn into a cult. I know that it would. Everyone moves to Portugal. They can't go home because things have gotten weird. Who would be your Ma'adon Shil? Holmes.

Yeah. Holmes. Yeah. Because that is the hardest position in the cult. Because you just kind of Yeah. Yeah. Holmes has to do the executive functions. Executions and stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, execution. Well, eventually there'll be executions. I don't want, I can't stress enough. I don't want there to be. I don't want it to be a cult. I'm just saying, yeah, eventually, like, I'm going to be like, that person's really getting on my nerves. And then Holmes is going to be like, I'll handle it. And then they're going to wind up dead.

Like, I don't want it to. Yeah. But that's, of course, where things are headed. That's a much more optimistic vision for your future. I have two visions from my future. Tell me both. When I'm eventually canceled for dead naming myself, I think that. When I'm eventually canceled for dead naming myself.

Yes. I think that I will end up. For me, what I see is, to couple things. Giving bath bomb reviews from a low security jail. Yeah, I see that. Or finding myself in a misery situation. Which one?

Kathy Bates or the guy. The guy. Oh, yeah. I feel bad that I don't remember his. James Con, of course. James Con. Have you looked in the eyes of a supporter of yours have been like they would misery me?

I actually, and I'm not kidding. I just told a close friend the other day. I'm almost certain. get killed by a fan. Same. I've talked about this. I'm not kidding. I've met, I've met one in particular where I was like, well, that's how I'm going to go. And there's a piece in that. It's like, it's like when you meet a friendly, when people truly have ghost interactions, yeah, yeah. They're not, they're like, yeah, yeah, there's a tap dancing woman upstairs. That's how you feel when you meet the person who will kill you. Yeah. Yeah. You know,

I want to be the fan that kills you. I want to do it. A mercy killing. Yeah, I just when the time is right. I don't want to do it too soon. My parents considered mercy killing me. Really? No, no. Because what if? As a child,

I saw this. When you got your knee surgery. They're like, we got to just end it now. It's only going to get weirder. You got to. I do, I do not want to kill you,

but if someone has to, do you know what I mean? Totally. Cuckoo's nest. Yeah. You would, you know, in the end of cuckus nest.

Oh, you don't want to give spoilers. Yeah. Don't spoil. If I get lobotomized or like if I start doing too much spawncon. Yeah. cuckoo's nests me.

Depends on how much you make and I need to see the figures. Well, remember I was going to do that thing I told you about, but that fell through last year. I don't remember it now. I'm so sorry. I was going to be a Peter Pan for a certain type of company. You were going to be a Peter Pan for a certain type of company. You were going to get to ride in Dallas. You did not tell me this. You did not tell me this.

Yeah, it was going to be a life-changing sum of money. Unfortunately, it fell through. I was going to sell out so big. I just had a brand deal fall through. You what? I just had a brand deal fall through. What brand? I don't think I'm allowed to talk about it.

Panera? I think they're paying me a certain amount of money and the part of the deal will be that I don't talk about it. Oh shit. Is that what I got the kill fee for? I'm playing it safe because I want that check. But yeah, they asked me, there was a company that asked me to do a commercial for them for a large amount of money.

And I was like, sure. And then they were like, oof, we just found out that Caleb talks about politics. Oh. Change plans. We're not going to pay him. and he's not working. And then I was like, I think we'll sue you.

Like everyone was like, should we sue them? And I was like, I think we sue them. You're suing? No, we threatened to sue. And then they've, now they're paying me. You're litigious. But the, it was really funny because I was like, how did you not?

That's like the number one. It's the most, I imagine when you Google me, it must be something that comes up in the first two clicks. How political you are. That I'm talking about politics. Completely. I can't imagine that it's not coming up for you.

So are they just seeing your followership? Or maybe they've seen one clip. I don't know what they saw, but I, do know that I'm now getting paid to not do anything for them and I'm pretty pleased about it. Isn't that weird that we have no idea what people are seeing? Like, because when like your stuff gets put on TikTok that's not even through you, like, people are seeing shit that we don't even know about things that we've done or said. Yeah. It's so weird. People quote things I've said to me

that you don't remember that I do not remember. I'm like, I black out on, when I'm on so true, I black out. For me, I with a really embarrassing thing is people say that. I'm like, ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You laugh. And they're like, you said that. They're like, that's your joke. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny shit. You are good. You are. Good. That makes sense. It's hard to remember the things that you say. Nobody likes my jokes more than me. Same. I love my jokes.

That's, I think that's the best part of it. I think my little bits are really fun. They are really fun. I really enjoy them. And I'm by the way, I'm not even really, really talking about, like, my jokes. I'm talking about, like, when I'm, like, hanging out with friends and I have some stupid little, like, verbal tick that I keep doing, I will laugh so fucking hard at my own little. That's a key to happiness.

I love hanging out with me. Yeah. I have a blast with that guy. You're like the couple from the notebook. How do you mean? You're that in one. Okay. It's like a romantic thing.

In love with myself. Oh, it's like, that's the image that I had, James Garner and Rachel McHunner. He's older. Do you? James Garner? James. I don't. You know, in the notebook?

I'm pretty sure it was Ryan Gosling. Oh, we're talking when, but the, when they're old. Is that the old guy's name? I think. James Garner. Can we Google Old Guy notebook name? He was also in Maverick with Jody with Foster. Oh, Noah Calhoun by James Garner.

Thank God. Do you click James Garner? I'd like to see a little about him. Oh, he's great. Oh, wow. He's been acting for a long time. Look at that. He's 86 years old. We still with us? No, he's not. Oh, no. No, he passed. He's very much not. Yeah. Passed quite a while. Oh, he passed when he was 86. Oh, that's terrible. You ever see Maverick? You would love Maverick.

Oh, he was married for a long time. 1956 to 2014, he was married. He died married. Oh, boy. Click, click his wife. You know what? Lois Clark, as in Lois and Clark? I'd watch. Yeah, they're cute together. I like them. Oh, click that one right below that one, Nicole.

Put this one up. Put this picture up when we put the episode out. Put this picture up when we put the episode out. Okay, now. Come on. That's us. That's us. Yeah. That's me on the left. I was going to say, it's pretty clear who's who.

Yeah, I don't need to say. You know what? What? I don't know if this will happen or not. I don't think it will based on my entire vibe and how I am. Okay. But I did consider becoming a shirt and tie guy. Like a guy who wears shirts and ties a lot.

This occurred to me about a week and a half ago. If you did that around New York, the safeties would put you in something like that. Yeah. Well, they're putting like people from Shark Tank and movies. I don't think that's perceived anymore. They're going into sewers for their cast. They're grabbing guys from the bodega. I want to be a shirt and tie guy, though.

I'm considering it. That's a really good idea. Like, just on a Tuesday, just out for dinner. I feel like you got to... Here's what it is. Say it. Your style, and this is the thing about style, if you like something,

it's like the joy that you feel about an article of clothing. You have good style because you like the things that you wear, I presume. And if you want to do shirt and tie, you want to do poodle skirt. It doesn't matter what you're doing.

You want to do hazmat suit. Poodle skirt. That's a matter. If you like it, it would work. That's going to be style. Yeah. So you're in a certain...

I mean, you would wear suits on the road, remember? I did the last tour. I felt like I had to. Yeah. Playing theaters, I just felt so, like, I felt such a massive responsibility. It's, I was like, I can't believe you guys are paying for this. And driving there. I want to like, I was like, you're coming.

Like, I was like, I need to like, I need to do good. I must wear a tie. You can't show up in your PJs. Like you're going to take the SATs. I might next time. Yeah. The tie thing got. You've afforded that.

The tie and the jacket thing got old quick. I would say night four of the like 27 night tour. I said this was a mistake. I got a pick. you're looking like Willie Lohman backstage. I don't know who that is. Death of a salesman. I don't, he's a character?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't seen it. No, it's a play. I, I read plays just because it's faster than books. You read plays? Yeah. Chris, you're so, this is what I'm talking about.

No, no, no, no, no, it's a cheat. I'm not smart. Caleb, you are just in a... I need to be like you. No, you got the brain that I don't have any access to. You got the civics brain. I did. I do have politics brain.

Yeah. You're right. But I want to have reading a play brain. What are you talking about? Doing that just for silly. For fun? I just, I love plays.

What's your favorite one you've ever read? Oh, burn this. Would you ever do a play with me? Yeah. No.

We could do burn this. What's burning? Oh! Oh! Oh, I can play the coked out guy that John Malkovich played. Yeah.

And then, oh my God, and you would be the friend. This is, this is brilliant. I don't think I want to be the friend. You're like,

I'll play the interesting guy who's coax out. The friend. You'll play the acquaintance. The friend is the lead. You would be the lead. And I come in occasionally. I don't enter till I think he'd even act too.

Yeah. And then and then I burn bright fast and then I'm out. But it's, you would be carrying it. I just told Mateo Lane that I would do a musical with him. And then when it kind of circled background, I said I didn't mean it. No,

because the way the light's going to hit those biceps. Yeah. You can't. I'm not going to. It's like having an animal on stage. You can't compete with that. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. But that's same with you. I'm not going to be able to compete with your energy. Yes, you are. Your energy and your gorgeous locks. They're going to, I'm going to be bald by then, and they're going to be tired of my energy. That's where you come in. No, I felt like, no, I think we had a good thing on stage together.

Me and you? Yeah. Oh, I feel that we do. Yeah, we definitely do. Then we just need a woman. Oh, let's not do it. I don't want to, I, what woman would we hang out with? I can't think of one.

Do you know any? Nicole? Nicole, will you do it? Perfect. It's done. that would be the other lead Friend of the friend

I forget her name Wait what woman would we cast in it Let's make it a woman we don't know Okay Well give me give me two qualities of the woman Alicia Vikander Yeah it's done Yeah

Yeah it's done I want that house so bad House And the ex Machina house I haven't seen it Oh yeah Elisha Vikander's a robot That lives in the most exquisite house

You've ever seen She's a robot with a house Or she belongs to the house She was built in the house. She's an AI. She's an AI. Yeah, this was 2016 AI. Yeah.

So she's hot as hell. Ex Machina, she's a hot AI who has a house. And the guy Dominal Gleason is this classic San Francisco guy who could get catfish by a Waymo. And he falls in love with this. You put fake lashes on the headlights of a Waymo. It could catfish any guy in San Francisco. He falls in love with this AI. and Oscar Isaac built it and he's a he's a psycho.

You know, I just learned that a famous Hollywood actor has an AI girlfriend. Me too. And we can talk about that after. Right. So what's going on with that? We'll give a clue. Everyone's talking about it. Mr. Tumnus.

But what is going on with that? He's bringing it to like, he's telling people about it. And he's bringing it to the restaurant. People are so humiliating. But this is good for the culture, actually. Yes. We need celebrities to be more insane. Because it will be so destructive.

It's going to, the best way to stop something is to sexually turn people off to it. And the way that that makes me want to get sterilized. Yeah. But I do, I want celebrities to start being insane again. I'm tired of, I'm bored with them. I've said this many times. I'm bored with these people. They're boring.

Yeah. We need people to be insane again. I want public beef. Yeah. We need someone taking a nine iron to a windshield. Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

I'm going to say it. Jordan Firstman sounding off on the heated rivalry guys over sort of nothing. Absolutely. I loved it. Oh, absolutely. I thought it was awesome. But then didn't he have to bring them like an ice cream Sunday? Yeah, they had to like smoke cigarettes at an event together or something.

Zazloff was like, say you're sorry. Well, they had to because they're all gay guys who work for the company. Have you seen it? I haven't seen a heated rivalry, no. Yeah. Have you? Oh, yeah. How was it?

Unbelievable. Did you find yourself horny? No, I found myself weeping by episode five. So that's not what I've been here. Well, I do think it's... I could be wrong. I do think it's more for the feminine sexuality, because I think what I've learned from it is the way women talk about it.

It's like, I think a woman's biggest kink is time. Yeah. And it's all about like... I don't know that I understand this show. It's all about... Time is the biggest character in this. They play hockey in it. Yeah, but it's most...

Mostly about three weeks later, eight weeks later, 20, like, it's, you wouldn't believe how many time jumps it is and how long it takes for them to. It's a slow burn. Yeah, yeah. Women like a slow burn. Yeah. I think from what I've learned about women and I've, I spend time with several. Long game.

They like the long game. Yeah. Yeah, okay. But you should watch it. It is. I've heard it's great. You're going to do the accent nonstop. The Russian one?

Yeah. Hollander. Yeah. Hollander. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You do retail fold after we hook up?

Yeah. I worked at Arab Postel. Wait, he talks like that. The other one? The other one is like, he's really, oh. Oh, he's like whiny? Fine. Oh, so he's the bottom.

Holland, I need you to relax. Is he the bottom? They're verse. Yeah, I think. He's the bottom. Yeah. Right? I mean, I haven't seen it.

Thank you, Tony. You're not going to love this. What? The Russians are a clown. In reality. The one who plays. Oh, the real guy, the actor. Yeah.

Did clown in L.A. Of course. Everyone has a moment. I mean, of course, I got to a dark enough place. I got to, I never took the class, but I clicked around. I clicked in. I saw the details of the clown class. Yeah.

It's like the artist's way. You have to get to a dark enough moment. You have to get to the lowest cavern of your life. Yeah. Yeah. You'll find yourself doing morning pages with a gun on the desk. You know, like this is what, yeah. This is what these things are.

Yes. I did the morning pages. Of course. Of course. I did them. Yeah. Did almost nothing for me, but I loved it because it was something that other people had done, and I thought that was nice. Completely.

I was participating, you know? Well, there's a lot of things that would be cool if this were the 70s. And you think the Morning Pages is one of them? Clown, I'm picking more. You seen Jonah Hill's weight loss? Yeah. He got small for that role. What role?

Some role. He got small again. Yeah. We're not supposed to talk about it. But I just was surprised. I saw a photograph. Yeah. I was surprised by the camo he was in.

He was in a lot of camo. He's wearing camo. I haven't seen this. Yeah. Maybe I didn't see because he's just so, so small. I couldn't believe my eyes. They don't want you to talk. We're not supposed to talk about it. I know that that's not.

We're not supposed to anymore. Okay. I've learned, you know, people, you're not supposed to talk about it, but I have saw that he got, we're quite small. I'm noticing, you know, when people get smaller, I notice. Yeah. And I wonder, are they on the stuff, the drugs? I like when, I like when they get smaller.

Shorter? Yeah. I like aging. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I think I'm going. You think so? What are you, six, two?

Yeah. Yeah. You think I'll get smaller? We are. We're getting smaller. Nose is going to keep growing. Ears keep growing, I think. Is that true?

Yeah, yeah. Nose keeps growing. You have been in Europe. Is that true? It's not true. It's not true. The nose keeps growing. Yeah, supposedly.

There's a chance is biggest complaint about me. Every time I come back from Europe, I have a new, like, a new, like, verbal tick. I have new thing I say. Are you dropping cheers? Oh, cheers. Yeah, I'll do, I'll do anything it takes. I mean, I just learned, I learn things over the, there. Did you go to England? No.

No. I can't go to England anymore. Neither can I. I've been too many times tonight. They're so cold 9 to 5 and then they have their first bottle of wine and in the streets. They're not talking to me all day and then the second I go outside when it's dark out, a woman comes up to me

she says, let's have a look at you love tears my jacket open. And her husband's just like yeah, he's mad. I did go to Dublin. Everybody Irish hates They're so embarrassed and sorry to be Irish. Really?

Have you noticed this? I know one guy who has a lot to say about the homeland. They say, what are you doing in Dublin? Oh, I'm so sorry you have to be here. I'm like, I'm having a decent time. They can't believe that you've come. Have you made a mistake? They are so, yeah, they're really,

they're an interesting people, the Irish. You were just there? I went there before Amsterdam. Ooh. I was there. I had a nice time. Yeah. Went to a castle for New Year's.

Had a lovely time. Wait, you were gone that whole time. Yes. You just got back. I got back yesterday, Chris. There's nobody in the world that I would have done a podcast with today other than you. I feel like you also did like a crazy flight last time we talked. And you said it felt like there was a gas leak in the room because you were so tired from the plane. Yeah.

What was that though? Was that just coming to L.A.? Yeah. I think I found out later on after that episode that I had a COVID and something else. What? I think after that I was like, oh, I feel so crazy. And then I think I found out like a week later that I had like three illnesses. You kept kind of like collapsing into your chair.

Yeah. And being like, I don't know what's going on. Yeah. But something's wrong with me. I was very unwell. Yeah. I thought it. Okay.

Okay. I thought it was like a combination of me and jet lag. No, I thought there was a gas leak in the room. And then I think I found out that it was a jet lag and I had a couple of illnesses. Yeah. Me and a handbag of illnesses. Totally. And by the way, getting jet lag going from New York to L.A. is humiliating.

It's like not like you shouldn't really be that affected by the fight. It's like you've slept on the plane overnight. It was red out. You're fine. Oh, you took a red or something. You know what I mean? It's like you take them at the right times.

Planes fuck me up. Yeah, do they? Oh, so bad. I didn't enjoy my flight here from, the flight back was tough. We spent too long on the runway so my edible wore off. And then I couldn't sleep on the actual flight.

So I was just up and the Wi-Fi was spotty. So I couldn't really get anything done. Yeah. And I had a gay guy flight attendant. and he wasn't charmed by me. You tried to charm him? Always. I love to have the flight attendants be on my side.

Usually if I have an older woman, we'll get on like a house on fire. They hate me. The last one I had, she yelled at me, you had one job to do. What? I was supposed to stay seated

to lead an example for no one else to get up. What? I was at the front of the plane and I got up to do, I was tinkering. And she yelled at me, you had one job.

When was it expressed to you that this was your job? Immediately. She told you your job is to not say that. I've never been on a flight or like something like this was happening. It was eerily empty to the flight. It was like there was like 30 of us. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've never been given like a chore when I got on the plane. You have a special relationship with strangers because that has never happened to me. I have a horrible relationship with flight attendants. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I usually don't. There's a couple bad eggs. I've talked about it on the show.

There's a couple bad eggs. Me and some flight attendants have gotten into it. Mostly we have a lovely time. But gay guy flight attendants. either like, they're either like so gay guy and they know my work and love me. Yes. And they're like, diva, to have you on my flight is a delight, you know. Or they're like a TGI Fridays gay guy.

I'm a TGI Friday's gay guy, Chris. No, but you're called. When I say that, I'm thinking about, you don't have to walk it back. I'm a TGI Friday's gay guy. Wait, but what? If there was a Jack Danieler sampler here right now, I would be overjoyed. I have doored.

I have DoorDashed a Chili's triple dipper to my home more than once. Yeah. I love, I love. I am financially ruined by DoorDash. What are you doing on there? DoorDash. What's your go-to? Boba.

I guess I do know that. Outside of Boba, what else are you doing? Is it literally just Boba? Bolanese? It's a meat sauce. From where? Pasta with a meat sauce. Anywhere.

If I see bolanays, I'm powerless before bolonaise. Really? Oh, yeah. And I try to not. need meat, but if I see Bolinay, I gained, I gained, I think, 11 pounds when I visited Italy when I was younger on Bolanese. You rendered... In 14is.

Pizzi, quatermology pizzas. Yeah. What'd you say? You speak another language? Um, piquito. Um, petit. We'll go with no. I don't, I don't.

We'll go with no. I got my ass kicked in Spain. They were not enjoying my attempts at Spanish at all. You speak it? No. I little, a tiny survival bit. and they were not happy with me. Yeah.

Because I'm loud, I'm fat and American. Hey. It makes them mad. No, you're beautiful. When I try stuff. An American.

No, you're beautiful in American. Yes. And bad at Spanish. Yeah. Which is true. Well, you were,

you were just kind of on a three week, two week journey? Three. Popping around, Chris. You're living life. Looking for inspiration. Seriously? Found some.

Yeah? Found some inspiration. Yeah? Mostly just had a nice time. Yeah. Had some decent sex. Had some fun sex. Are you going to keep talking to them or what stays in Europe?

I think one of them is coming to my birthday party. Okay. Three were invited. A costume party. There were three guys that I hooked up with in Europe that got the invite to the birthday party. One came. That was the next step. I think one of them might come.

That sounds almost like a fairy tale. He's a welcome to come. I'd love to see him there. Three were given the invite and one took it. I think a few of my situation ships will be at my birthday party. Great. And I'm excited to see all of them. I think the one who comes from Europe.

That's the prince. I will say if he comes from Europe, he'll be the one that I like lock in with. Yeah. For the night. Wow. Maybe. I mean, if you catch a flight that long.

Not even the week. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Not a week. This is my problem, Chris. I really am. I have a problem. I really need to get serious about my love life.

How do you say, how do you say get out? I'll say you need to go. No. No. I'll say, this was so much fun. I need to be alone, no. You would never? No, I'm so bad at, uh, I, I, no, I couldn't.

Chris, I got so locked in talking to you that I totally forgot we have a game to play. Oh, yeah? You know what this is. Truth or false? Yes, dude. True or false? Let's lock in. Okay, how have you?

It's one a.m. How have you done on this in the past? Zero percent. Okay. I think I got boot off the stage when we did this live because, so I think. Well, live, everyone was so naughty. They always tried to give the guests the answers. They wanted to see me lose money.

Your crowd was incredibly naughty. My fans are rowdy and raucous, a crazy bunch. Yeah. I'm going on tour again. You ought to come do the show. No way. Yes. Oh my God.

Potentially in the summer. We're waiting to find out. Yeah? Potentially in the summer. That's so excited. I've been cautioned against... Actually, can I say something really quick about my tour? Yes.

I'm being told that I should not tour in the summer. No. If I launch a summer tour, you guys better buy these fucking tickets because I'm fighting. To go on tour in the summer. You wouldn't know why I want to tour in the summer? Because it's warm? Every day I want to swim.

Mm-hmm. I want to wake up, get off the bus, go swimming, and then do the show. I think that'll make it more fun for me. That's a really good idea. I think it'd be nice to swim every day. It's also a low-impact workout. Exactly correct. Yeah.

And it'd be fun. Swim and swim in 30 cities? Mm-hmm. I want to swim in 30 cities. Yeah. Chris, I'm going to read you 15 statements. Okay. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can.

Roll some more shit down the hallway. Yeah. Is it a nurse's cart? Someone's rolling the loudest thing I've ever heard down the hallway. Yeah. There's something wrong with this building. I recently learned that one of the guys who produces Taylor Swift's albums has a studio in this building.

Oh my God. Is it one of those like dorky guitar? Sorry. Chris, please. Chris, please. He's my neighbor. Have you ever seen there's like, it's like these guys in their 50s

who play guitar for Taylor Swift and they all kind of act like they're the ones that people are coming to see? Oh, I like that. Oh, it's so good. I like that. I am obsessed with those guys. I like that a lot. Yeah.

I'm gonna read you 50. If you like high fives one and he like crumbles. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You know I have to do it. It's part of the show. Okay. I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You can tell me as quickly as you can of what I just said was true or false.

If you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Tommy Lee Jones is a Harvard graduate. Yes, he was roommates with like Al Gore. Okay, true. The movie the Iron Giant came out in 1999.

True. True. There are no reptiles in Sweden. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's a Bob Dylan song, and it's also true. False. Fuck! The departed won the best picture Oscar.

Yes. True. Neil Armstrong drank Pepsi on the surface of the moon. No. False. Lance Armstrong's nickname is Big Tex. False. True.

It's true. It's false. Which one are you going with? False. It's true. Only four U.S. presidents have visited Antarctica. Dude, I don't know. You got to answer, Chris.

I don't know. It's the game. True. False. None have gone. Squirrel's mate for life. No presidents have gone. Even on their own time? They won't go. I'd make a camp David in Antarctica. Sorry, I got Boba in the mouth.

Squals, I know. I'll make a camp, David in Antarctica. You're like totally choking on Boa at this point in the show. Yeah. Squirrel's mate for life. Yeah, that's true. False. A female picks a new mate each year. A female squirrel? Oh, oh. Go diva. Burger King is older than Wendy's. True. True.

Earth is gradually rotating slower each year. I hope not. False. It's true. Skidmore College's motto is Under the Shield of Divine Love. That's false. It's creative thought matters.

It's true. What? Wait, what is the new motto? Under the Shield of Divine Love. Oh, my God. I don't like the Shield of Divine. That sounds like a meatloaf song. I don't write the facts.

Oh, my God. But if you think it's wrong, fight chance on it. Last comic standing ran for nine seasons. Yeah, sure. True. Tom Brady was born in California. Tom Brady was born in California.

was born in California. If that were so, he couldn't live in Massachusetts for that long. False. True. Aretha Franklin was the first woman inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Probably. Yes. No, it was Nina Simone. Okay, fine. True. It was Ruther Franklin? Yep. Antieters.

Last one. Anteaters are extinct. No. I've seen them around. I've definitely seen a video of an anteater. Maybe like, okay, maybe the last one died like last night. And all of its loved ones are around the bed

And it's now Finally It's loved ones not Antieters It's loved ones other species Yeah, it's just guys Yeah, it's a bunch of guys What are you going with? You're going with them

They're not, there's no way Anteaters are And if they are I'm going to be super fucking pissed So you're going with false Yes It's false How do you do Nicole?

Oh nice Is that good? That's nice That's nice Chris Chris that's a nice score Don't worry about it. Now I'm worried about it. I wasn't worried about it until you said that like that.

Six is kind of low. Yeah, it's a 60% right? Six is kind of low. It's like a D minor. Six out of 15. I would be in directed study if I took this for in a high school class. In directed study? Yeah, if you got below a C, you'd have to do a course called directed study.

But, and I obviously got D's in chemistry. So I would be put into directed study. But my band teacher struck a deal with me. He said, if you drum in our worst, I'm not a drummer, if you drum in our worst jazz band, you can get out of directed study. And I said, okay, only if I can have an unlimited time drum solo

at the concert. And I'll send you the clip. It is funny. Please send it to me. And also, I love this school that you went to. We're like, all these teachers are insistent on not teaching. Yeah. And are just like striking deals for different, like,

little pet projects of theirs. Bartering. Yeah. Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah. Chris, it was so lovely to have you on the show. So lovely to have you. Is there anything you want to tell the fans? Keep listening to Caleb. He knows best. Thank you.

Get Ugg stuff. It's soft. Get Ugg stuff. We're not sponsored by Ugs. We just like soft things. Ugg, you should spend some money on the show. Spend some money on the show. We've talked about you very kindly.

Yeah. Anything else where the people can find you? They know where to find you. Yeah. They all love you. Yeah. Everybody loves you, Chris. Oh, I agree to that not hearing exactly what you were saying.

Everybody loves you, Kayla. Thanks for coming on. Thanks for having me. Chabella. Good night. We did it. Thank you.