So True with Caleb Hearon - David Gborie Loves a Party

Episode Date: September 11, 2025

Welcome! This week’s guest is the hilarious David Gborie! David and Caleb talk hairless cats, Denver, an encounter with a man holding a falcon, the Taylor Swift effect on football, bandanas, and much more! Join our Substack for an exclusive post-episode chat with David and other bonus content!  https://calebsaysthings.substack.com/ Follow David! @coolguyjokes87Follow the show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloudGo to https://www.Zocdoc.com/SOTRUE to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. #sponsored Grab an Angry Orchard Cider today. Don’t Get Angry. Get Orchard. Please Drink Responsibly. Get up to 55% off at babbel.com/SOTRUE About Headgum: Headgum is an LA & NY-based podcast network creating premium podcasts with the funniest, most engaging voices in comedy to achieve one goal: Making our audience and ourselves laugh. Listen to our shows at https://www.headgum.com. » SUBSCRIBE to Headgum: https://www.youtube.com/c/HeadGum?sub_confirmation=1  » FOLLOW us on Twitter: http://twitter.com/headgum  » FOLLOW us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/headgum/ » FOLLOW us on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum So True is a Headgum podcast, created and hosted by Caleb Hearon. The show is produced by Chance Nichols with Associate Producer Allie Kahan and Executive Producer Emma Foley. So True is engineered by Casey Donahue and engineered and edited by Nicole Lyons. Kaiti Moos is our VP of Content at Headgum. Thanks to Luke Rogers for our show art and Virginia Muller our social media manager.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. I was so scared, David. I was like literally on my grandma's computer on Myspace in Iowa. Like everyone's outside playing and I would sneak in. And I had a fake Myself, I had like a secret Myspace account. You had a secret gay Myspace? Yes, yes. And I'd be like, I am 13.

I live in Missouri. I'm gay. What do I do? That's literally their biggest fear. True. Like when Myspace popped, everybody was like, what if my son has a secret gay Myspace? David, what the hell is going on, brother?

I can't, you know. You are looking good. Thank you. You're looking handsome, I said, when I walked in. I really liked that. You look good? You just moved back to L.A. I'm in it.

I got a cropped shirt. You're engaged? I'm engaged. Which is crazy. I got an old Navy shirt. I'm engaged. Shit's up. It's, man, we can't lose right now.

Shit's up. dude. I'm gonna fucking get in the market. Big guys are winning right now. Come on, dog. Did you know we could go to Old Navy like that? Yes. Well, you can't actually go. You have to order from the... That would be disgusting. No. They don't carry our size in the stores

because there's no room for us to all be in there. Yeah. You have to order from the website. And then go and then... But... They'll send it to you. That's huge. I was getting screwed on DXL for most of my career. I can't... DXL has provided to me. They've helped... They've held me down in times when I needed them.

I can't go too hard on DXL. But, brother, let's be really honest. I know. It's tough. They're long and they're golf shirts, all of them. As many, when have you used a DXL point in your fucking life? I don't use the points. That's bullshit.

That's crazy. Because it's full price polo. It's double-price polo, maybe. They're expensive. Yeah, man. It was the first time I knew I was doing well in my life when I could just go to DXL.com and ball out. End up, I'm just going to fire off a shirt right now. Yeah, but bawling out was like two hoodies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Old Navy? They got me right. I'm cropping. Old Navy's, you're looking good. Old Navy's doing you right. Also, I'll tell you Target. Target, yeah.

Target will Loki have some good men stuff. My, uh, my, uh, my wife pleaser is from Target. Yeah, thank you. I do that now. Thank you. Do you do that on that? I change it up. Yeah.

And that's good. That's really beautiful of you. Thank you. Well, I wasn't a big wife pleader, pleaser guy back in the day. No. There was a time. when I was like a pre-teen and my body was really weird that all the kids with cool bodies were just wife pleasers cool bodies you remember like cool body teen boys how confident they were

yeah you remember that you remember that you remember that oh I saw that I remember that I wanted to kill them yeah I wanted to kill those little boys they're running around they got the cool bodies bro you got delts crazy I eat gummy snacks my mom gave me gummy snacks this morning and you have muscles on the side of your pecks. Yeah, you've got those little like slopes on your shoulders that are new muscles already, because I don't even know about.

We weren't even working those then. That was just God gave it to you. You had that from God. Yeah, man. I, those kids had to have peaked, right? That's the best that got. We have, if I have to believe it. I need to believe it. I need to believe it. I need to believe it. Because imagine, I want you to imagine you're going through that and then imagine you're gay.

That's hard. So not only do you want to that guy but you low-key also need to sleep with him crazy that's because like some of these guys i remember there were these two brothers in one of my junior high schools dovon and jovon course but they weren't twins but somehow they were both in junior high school hell yeah i think it was like a held back situation yeah but they both somehow looked like DMX yeah and it was just like how are you this cool yeah and they were like because if i remember right you weren't some supposed to just wear tank tops to school. No. No, if I'm remembering correctly,

and I think I am. Yeah, and I remember one time, Jovon had two tank tops on. No. Different color, a black and a white. No. And I was like, this is fucked. This is fucking crazy. Everybody's about to get pregnant in here. He's innovating. He's innovating in the space. You have to come get

Jovan. School cop. Don't let this happen. School cop on Joevon. I was like, what's the issue? You're like, look at him. Look at him. He's wearing two tank He looks cool as hell. Come on! He's gonna sleep with these girls, dude.

This is fucked. I'm wearing three, but that's just to keep it in. Yeah. This is compression. Yeah. This is hosiery. These are control top wife pleasers I got on over here. I'm just trying to keep my shit tight.

Yeah, man. I'm just trying it out to spill out. Joe Von's, yeah, Jovon's showcasing. I'm hiding. There's a difference. Exactly. That is so fucking funny, dude. It was a good time, though.

It was a good time. And look at you now. Look at me now. Fiance. Crop shirt. Living in L.A. again. I can do anything. How's it feel?

It's good. I've had all the L.A. experiences, like, in one week, so I'm kind of, like, worn out a little bit. Yeah. Like, I went, I did a show on Saturday night, and then my friend was like, hey, do you want to come to this lowrider party? Oh, that's sick. It sounded really cool, right? Yeah. And I was like, yeah, of course.

So me and Jamel Johnson, we go. Love Jamel. So funny. the best guy. We go and then like we pull up and the block is shut down and there's riot cops on either side of the block. I'm like this can't be right and I call my friend and he's like

no yeah we're just in front of the tattoo parlor pull up so we're walking up and the ghetto bird is like circling and it's shining on this one part of the block and they're actively over the thing like everybody go back to your cars you will be arrested what? I was like I called my friend

I was like Joey Glasses this can't be Correct. He's like, no, we're partying. It's cool. So we go up on him, and they are just partying, and they're playing cool music. Yeah. Cool, cool music. Like, I think they were playing, you know, girlfriend by Pebbles?

No. Girlfriend. How could you let him treat you so bad? Oh, uh, oh. They were playing that, right? I know it, but I love it. It's so good. It's so good.

What neighborhood is this in? This is Echo Park. Thank you. It was right in Echo Park, right across from the Lassens. Yeah. Whoa. It was like main show. Street Echo Park and they were going up and then they were like and we're smoking a joint and I was

dancing because I'm not going to not dance to pebbles. But I was like and then the cops are like actively like get out of here. Yeah. And I was like this is maybe too cool for me. Yeah. Too cool to have the cops shining the helicopter light on you saying you'll get arrested and being like, we're partying. I'm too old. I did one song. I smoked one joint and then I was like, I got to get out of you. Yeah, I ain't got it like that anymore. But it was, that wouldn't happen in Denver. That's really crazy. I went to a lowrider party once on a bridge. Yeah, see. And it was awesome. It's, man,

it's like a community that I appreciate as a... Like, I don't want to be a part of it necessarily, but man, it's cool. I want to be the white guy that they let hang around for a little bit, though. But here's the thing is, don't you want to be that for every group? Yes. Like,

it would be the same. Yes. Like, it's probably the same thing for, like, a group of Filipinos who say the N-word, or like, you know what I mean? Like, it's just cool to be the one white guy, I think, in any... Or the one not that in any group. Yeah, to be the odd man out, but everyone's cool with you. Except black guy in white group, because they give that too easy.

They too give that way too easy. Like, you're like, I'll take it, but it's not like... Yeah. You're at UCB, like, what's up, Rick? You know what I... I have long said, the only thing scarier than a white person with no black friends is a white person with one black friend. Yeah, because they're empowered. They move like they're bulletproof.

Yeah, and it's also like now you're using this one person as like your thing for the whole culture. It's like, he's over here with you. He brought, he probably doesn't even like it at all that much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I would like to be the one white guy who's accepted anywhere. Of course, that'd be cool for me. Yeah, that's a good. They were like, you're okay white guy.

You have a face, though, that feel... I can't wait. Relax. I can't wait. Relax. Hold on. Relax. Why didn't say it.

I know it is white. It doesn't feel that. Why? You're, let me tell you something. You know what I'm saying? There have been some casting controversies. Really? People are trying to put me in another box.

People are trying to put me in another box. That's awesome. You're like, people think I'm all kinds of things. You're like the new Rob Schneider. Yeah, I've been saying that. Politically, et cetera. People are trying to put me, people are like, people think I'm Mexican, people think I'm Filipino.

People thought, what was it, Pacific Islander that we got that one time? people really want to put me in another race box how far would you be willing to stray is my question well you know what's really funny when I first started working with my managers I think it was them that they sent me a they sent me a thing that was like it was for like a character called like

I don't know he had like a very Mexican name and they're like we want you to audition for this and I got really I was upset because I was like oh no I'm working with these people that think I should be going out for white guy roles they knew I was white you know yeah yeah and so I sent this that's why they signed you Right, exactly.

But they also know you could play. Yeah, they're like, you're white, but let's have some fun. They're at the WME morning meeting. Like, honestly, we put this guy in anywhere. Whatever you need. We plug them in. Yeah. It's Mr. Plug and Play.

That's your Mr. Worldwide. Come on. It's Mr. Plug and Play on the beat. That's exciting. But I sent a bit, I sent an email, a stern email being like, hey, I'm so excited to be working with you guys. I just want to let you know like I think that's unacceptable I would know like on my like

heroic white guy shit yeah yeah and they were like yeah they're changing the character because they cast the other there's two characters the other one's gonna be Mexican now we know what we're doing

and I was like I was like okay cool well I'll get that tape in yeah yeah by 3 p.m. I was like sweet his name's Derek now rock on okay yeah love you do got to tell him though because I've had that conversation where it's like listen

if it says like bouncer jovial You know what I'm saying? Not jovial. Fat and black as he is happy. Yeah. These types of character breakdowns, I ain't going, man.

I'm not doing it. I've really only ever been like a teacher, like a lawyer and shit on TV. Really? Yeah. I would love to see you in a, I'd love to see you like series regular series lead as a teacher on TV.

I'd love to tune in every week to see you teaching the kids. That would be fun, like my own Steve Harvey show. What? Dude! Get in the fucking lab. Can you be my coach? Will you be my coach? Yes. Because that's like you have to have the teacher who came back from being successful

and then his coach best friend who's been there for a while. Yes. Like we used to play football in junior high school. Yes. Yeah, that'd be fun. And I know the ways that things work. Yeah, you're teaching me. And when you get hot-headed, I go, not with the principal.

Yeah, because me and the principal used to have a thing. Yeah. Maybe this is just the Steve Harvey show. This is the Steve Harvey show. Should we reboot the Steve? I think that's where we live. No, we'll do the Steve Harvey show. Yeah.

You're Cedrick. I'm Steve. Yeah, let's go, dude. That's why I moved back. Like, what do we do? This is L.A. baby. Yeah, dreams come true here. Someone open final draft right now.

Come on. Let's cook and walk in low. I have a Celtics account that's long been dormant. Well, it's not Celtics. Yeah, that's how long. No, come on, brother. I got like two movies in there. Just sitting on ice.

We got to get them out of Celtics. I don't know how. No, come on. Come on. I don't want to live. I don't want to live. like this. Save them from Celtics, dude. Let's get you an FD. I don't know what that means.

Final draft? You've been in there? You were playing around in there? No, man. You know, I'm really lucky that, like, every writing gig I've ever had, there's really strong writer's assistants. So I'm kind of an idea, man. Yeah, I see this. And then I'll clean up the dialogue. I see this. Everything else, your structure,

that's not over here. We've got the writers assistants. I don't, yeah. Inciting incident. Yeah, hey, third act break. It's not my business. Brother, I want the jokes. Yeah, you want to be funny? Yeah. Give me a call.

That's the one thing I got. Give me a call. I can help. Yeah, and I'm a mid-range dancer. Yeah. We need to go dancing. We should go dancing. We should go swimming.

We should go dancing and swimming. What are we doing? Monday? If my flight wasn't out of here today, tomorrow we'd be going swimming in the morning and dancing at night. I mean that. Next time you come here, let me know early. And we'll hook up.

I got to get squeezed in. Yeah. Well, you know, I got the dog. She takes up a lot of talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, I got to pretend like I'm busy. Yeah, yeah, I got the dog and et cetera. Hairless cat, you got to watch her twice a week.

Yeah. Those things scare the hell out of me. They do, but it's like cool. She's cool. Yeah. She's scary looking, but she's cool. You have a hairless cat for real. Yeah, her name's grandma.

You want to see? Yeah. No, I think that you, and I know this is like, it sounds like somebody with an ugly kid. I think you will like mine. Okay. I do think that. I'm going to take a peek, but I'm real scared about it. It's not as bad.

It is... See, now I can't... Okay, okay, look at that. Come on, that's like an Gettie's pose. Ooh. Damn. That... Sorry.

That sucked. I don't... I'm so sucked in a way that I shouldn't even take it my phone out. Dude, I'm so sorry. God damn it, Caleb. You got to pretend a little bit. Dude, I'm sorry, man.

You got to meet me halfway. There's a cute face. That if you had started face forward. That's... I don't like the way their skin hangs to the... her body. I'm sorry. It's a she. She's a she. Sorry. Give me my phone.

Give me my phone with my daughter. I'm so sorry, dude. Can you show me a face forward one maybe? Yeah, let me find now, but now it's like I'm trying to convince you. That made my, I did make my son. Here she is when she got a little Kern. Her little cone. Yeah, her face is. Come on. This is, we're not doing this. I'm sorry, man. This sucks.

No, but I know she's in a loving home. I bet she has a beautiful personality. She's a beautiful soul. Yeah, but the issue is the way that the skin when it has no fur on it, the way it clings to the body. It is weird. I grew into it because I wasn't into it at first. Really?

I just didn't. I was like, we had just moved into a new spot and my girlfriend was like, what if I get a hairless cat? And I was on the road. I was on the road like every week for the next eight, nine weeks,

and I was like, bitch, whatever you got to do, whatever you need. Whatever you're going through right now. I support it. And I guess I'll deal with it. the hairless cat and then it grew on me

that's crazy yeah you know why hairless why couldn't we go normal style she's just weird man I guess she had already always dreamed of a hairless cat yeah I was talking to another guy recently and he was like hey in Atlanta that's a sign of wealth and it was like the best compliment I've gotten

that's beautiful or no he said I'm from Atlanta that's a sign of wealth even better yeah because that is different yeah it might not be yeah it could be these could be non-sequenters because you know how people from Atlanta always let you know. Like, he was just, like, saying that.

Yeah. And then also congratulating me. I'm from Atlanta. That's a sign of well. Yeah. Like, it's a different thought almost. Yeah. Yeah, it was good.

Interesting. So I've been having a good time. What all are you voicing right now? Because I feel like I hear your voice on the radio and TV. Uh, just Comedy Central. Both my cartoons got canceled. So just the Comedy Central stuff. But like, are you doing like their, like, their, like, commercials.

Oh, yeah. I do all. Tune into Comedy Central. I do all the promo for the TV and Paramount. It's a real joy to me when your voice comes into my ears. I'm glad it's awesome for me It's like a job nobody knows I have I do it from home

I've done it for like Five years Hopefully five more Yeah I just every time I go That's David I love that And that fun It makes me so happy Yeah I watch

I listen to your pod podcast so I see you Whoa Yeah What's your favorite episode recently Laura Peak is my favorite episode of all time Isn't she incredible I like when you had your mom back I really like

Who else do I like a lot No peak is The best one Liam rhymes. William rhymes. That was really good. She's so funny, dude. It's fucked up.

It's crazy. I like that she's funny and she's like old school where she's like, I still smoke cigarettes. So what? And I'm like, hell yeah. She is like a, she is a comic. Like she really is like she, she'll show up, shake everyone's hand, step out for a cigarette, get on stage, murder. Come back and be like, so what are we doing? Yeah.

I'm just like, you are a fucking comedian, dude. Yeah, I miss that. I love her. Because I had to, like, I went to Denver. I had to kind of get away from comedians for a while. Yeah. To, like, be a person and figure some shit out. Now I'm back in it.

Yeah. But, like, I had, like, four years kind of off from being around that energy for the most part. What happened? Why did you think you needed to get away? You know, pandemic happened. And I was, like, I really thought I was running and gunning before pandemic. And then everything stopped. And I was like, oh, you're exhausted and you kind of hate yourself.

Oh. Or just hate. this version of yourself yeah this like weird L.A trying to get it together and pandemic had started right when I got that Comedy Central job and I was like you know I'm like they were like

fat people are going to die first LA has the most cases in the country I was like let me just go home for a minute and figure it out and then it turned into four years where I was like I love entertainment it's giving me a life but I think that I was in a position to kind of

dial it back for a while and be able to just get back to me for a little bit. Yeah. And, like, get focused just on me and life and shit like that. So now I'm back. Now you're back. Yeah. That's interesting.

I'm about to stop texting everybody. Yeah. It's all lunch dates from here on it. Baby. Good luck getting a hold of me. Come on. I'm busy. LA David's back on the scene.

Yeah, I got the cat. I got the cat. So that's like 10 or 12 hours of the day. Yeah, right there. Right there. Right there. Just bang those out. I make its food.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the kitchen, like, chefing for the kids. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. She's gluten-free. Is she? No.

Okay. No, no, no. I never know. I have a hairless cat. I'm still an African person. Like, you can't. Yeah. There's like, in your head, you're like, this is a cat.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, hell yeah. Rock on. Yeah. We're not giving it special diets. No, no, no, no, no. No, interesting. I don't think she's even insured.

The cat. Yeah. Probably not. Damn. Probably not. Does SAG do that? Do I got to get on that? To get your insurance?

Yeah. I'd love you. have insurance do you have insurance i have i have i'm saying to sag can the cat get on your sag yeah yeah yeah well you know it's funny i was uh reading something recently about um i'm not a pet owner i would love to have a dog you seem like a you seem like a classic dog man david i'd love to have like a golden retriever i'd love to have a dog i wish and you have the house in missouri i do do you have are you there full time no i hardly ever get to go there do you have like like a caretaker at home though? There's always people

there, yeah. So, like, you could keep a dog there? I could, I've thought about getting a small dog and taking it around with me and he travels with me and he's my dog. That's like a level, that's a commitment. That's a new lifestyle. But David, I want kids. Yeah, okay. So maybe it'd be good

to, like, do the small dog now. There's a couple issues. Of course, my schedule is crazy and I like to change it on a dime. That's one thing. You don't like to fuck in front of animals. I know that. I don't like to fuck in front of animals. That's a huge problem. It's you do have to like, you just, you just have to let that. Yeah.

You just have, it's just going to happen. It's not the audience you want. It's the audience you have. No, no. And it's not even in, you know, the hard part about having sex in front of animals is like, you imagine if you're going to have sex and someone else is going to be present, they're going to be engaged in some way? Yeah, they're at least jerking off. Yeah.

But the dog is just in there. Yeah. Doing what she was doing before you were having sex. Yeah. You know what I mean? So it's like not even. Yeah. You're not, so you feel like you're not even put, like, excuse me, I'm not, you're not even going to watch.

You're not going to look. Yeah. This isn't crazy to you? Yeah. This isn't, you don't do anything. You sit in this house all fucking day. Yeah. I'm putting on a show over here.

I'm doing my best. I'm putting in work. And you are going to turn to the wall and lick yourself. Right. Crazy. I pay rent. I'd like you to at least be interesting. Yeah, it's like you have nothing going on all day.

I'm over here fucking. I'm fucking. Yeah, dude. I'm putting it down. I'm laying it down. Come on. I'm locked in over here. Yeah.

And you just could give a shit less. Yeah, that's crazy. It's like we're watching The Sopranos. That, well, I wish. I just finished my second rewatch. Did you? Yeah. I will say I love that show.

It gets harder and harder every time to watch the part where they, like, beat a gay guy to death with a pipe. Yeah. That part you go, whoa! I mean, also when Ralph beats the shit out of that girl outside the Bing. Crazy? There's like, and I was watching it, and my girl is not into a. it at all. And at one point she's like, every time I

like tap in, they're doing something crazy to women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, no, no, no, it's like, Tony's cut. And then you're like, yeah, no, yeah. That's a big part of the show. You're like, no, Tony's complicated. She's like, he's hitting people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, it's tough. They just hit that woman, and you're like, okay. It makes me feel better

to know that your girlfriend doesn't really like sopranos because she doesn't really like my comedy. Come on, don't we were talking about this in the car. That's not, that's not, that's not, that would, we should air it out, I guess. Yeah, let's hear it out. She doesn't love comedy. She didn't like my show. She did like your show, Caleb. She did like your show. You put her in a terribly uncomfortable position. I don't know what she was going to do. She's not a liar. What did I even do? I don't remember. I had told I said that her little sisters love you. Yeah. And you said not her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you were like... Was this on stage? Yeah. And you were like, Alana, if you're here right now, Can you tell me, do you like my comedy? Yes or no. And then she said something along the life.

She didn't lie. She was like, no, I'm not really into it. Yeah. And then you were like, oh, so you hate me. And it was nuts. It was so crazy. A lot of! She's a real one, though.

That's why I'm over there, you know. I've never had more respect for somebody in my life. She, in a, now I'm remembering, in a theater of a couple thousand people. Cool. She said out loud in the room, I'm not really fucking with you. Yeah, it was, yeah. That's hilarious She just doesn't like comedy

In a way that I appreciate Because I made a joke the other day About I was like If I die early You know you're gonna have to like Become a comedian Yeah, yeah And she was like

That's literally my worst fear Is you being dead And me doing stand up comedy The two things that cannot happen to me Yeah Are you dying and me doing stand up comedy? I was like we should just call it right now Let's get married today

That's so funny What are you guys going to do Wedding wise? Have you talked about it yet? We have. We got a venue. Where? Downtown.

I don't want, can I say it? No worries. I'll tell you afterwards. Yeah. But it's cool. Nice. Very old school. Nice.

I'm excited to get married. I didn't think I would ever do that. You didn't think you'd ever be, like, be excited about a wedding or have a wedding? I think I never thought about the specifics. I always figured I could find myself with some semblance of a family. Yeah. But the steps to get there, I never, like, was like, romanticizing. So now it's like, oh, we got a.

Find a caterer and stuff. That's kind of fun. It feels like the beginning of the rom-com. Yeah. So that's good. That's really cute. Yeah, I like that. Are you guys going to do big or small?

What's the... Pretty small. Yeah. I think like 130 people or something like that. Nice. So like middle, but we don't want to go too huge. Yeah. Yeah.

This is to me, I don't like weddings. I famously don't like them. Really? And yeah, please, I love you to death. Please don't invite me to yours. I won't. That's nice. We have a salary cap, so that's awesome.

That's it. yeah we can't have that many people in there yeah yeah yeah because you were on the list before yeah nice and what changed well oh all right no i shouldn't have done that you weren't on the list okay and it's not because it's just because we've only done the family list nice we haven't done any friends yeah nice okay cool yeah um no i don't like them and i the scariest part to me is making the invite list really yeah because i'm like how do you do this man who gets to calm because you can't have, I know so many people that I love. I would get stressed out that I'd be like, I'm not inviting.

It's, it's been tough too because I have a lot of friends, admittedly, who are real freak shows. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then I have to, like, suggest people to her, and then she says the one memory she has of them. You know what I mean? Yeah, he's bringing up topics.

Yeah, I'm like, oh, what about Jansacock? And she's like, the guy who wanted to bring a falcon to the park? and I'm like, okay. That's not super cool. That's not his character. Yeah, that's his character. Yeah, you could say one thing I've done and now I'm not a good guy.

You can talk about one exotic animal I wanted to bring to a park and now I'm an asshole, you know what I mean? Yeah. But, you know, we're getting there. We're figuring it out. Hell yeah. Yeah.

I love that. This podcast is sponsored by Angry Orchard. Look, guys, there's a litany of things that we shouldn't get angry about. Let's be honest, sometimes it's hard not to be. You shouldn't get angry that your beloved sports team lost their season opener in embarrassing fashion to a division opponent.

Or that during that same loss, one of their star players got injured. Don't get angry that your life has reached the point where you're turning to a random guy on a podcast with no real qualifications for life advice. Instead, get angry, get an angry orchard. angry orchard is the number one hard cider in the country it's naturally refreshing delicious and has just the right amount of sweetness to make it the perfect drink for when you're looking for something a little different angry orchard has a bright crisp flavor it's the perfect balance of sweetness and acidity that's what they said about me in college you guys from oh god from culinary apples and the dryness of traditional cider apples resulting in a complex refreshing hard

hard cider. Grab an angry orchard today. Don't get angry. Get orchard. And please drink responsibly. You got any exciting travel coming up? One thing you probably haven't put on your packing list. Learning the language. With Babel, you can start talking in just a few weeks. Start speaking a new language with confidence thanks to Babel's conversation-based technique that quickly teaches you useful words and phrases about the things you actually talk about in the real world. You can learn the real fundamentals to converse in a new place, and there's over a dozen languages to learn at your own pace so that you can achieve your goals with material tailored to your individual proficiency level, interests and time availability, handcrafted by over 200 language experts.

Babel's lessons are voiced by real native speakers and built with science-backed cognitive tools like spaced repetition and interactive features to fit any learning style. Babel has worked for over 16 million language learners of all ages and has over 1.6 million five-star reviews. Babel has engaging in interactive dialogue so you can practice conversation skills right away. And it provides speech recognition to make sure you're getting the pronunciation. Just right. Perhaps you're in Paris and you need the check.

You know, you could say, Le Dissons, if you please, things like that. There are also personalized review systems that are based on your progress and designed for long-term memorization so you don't forget everything you've learned immediately. Get talking with Babel. I've been wanting to learn Spanish for a long time but just haven't had time to commit to weekly classes and that's something that the flexibility of Babel can definitely help with.

Are these things getting longer? I want you to learn another language so I'm teaming up with Babel to give to you 55% off subscriptions but only for our listeners. If you're not a listener, don't try it. At babel.com slash so true, get up to 55% off at babel.com slash so true. Spell BABBB-B-Bel.com slash so true rules and restrictions may apply.

Remember that doctor's appointment you were supposed to make a while ago? The one you meant to book, but you got sidetracked and completely forgot about it until now. You know, that dentist appointment for your biannual cleaning, overdue annual checkup that's been three years in the making. Do you guys know doctor's appointments? Dermatologist's appointment for that rash that's been looking a little off. Ew. Whatever, whatever you go to the doctor for. Why not book it today?

Zoc Doc makes it easy to find the right doctor right now, and it's all online. You'll probably be able to book an appointment before the end of this ad. Before I bring up rashes again, Zoc Doc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. We Zodok-Dog you can book in-network appointments with more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty

from mental health to dental health, primary care to urgent care, and more like rash specialists. You can filter for doctors who take your insurance or located nearby or a good fit for any medical need you may have and are highly rated by verified patients. I've long said the unverified patients are where you, get into nasty business. Once you find the right doctor, you can see their actual appointment openings.

Choose a time slot that works for you and click to instantly book a visit. If I ever was in the market for a new primary care doctor or any type of health care provider, ZockDoc is a place I would go. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.com slash so true to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's ZocDOC.com slash so true. Do you know, do you know what your first dance is going to be? That's also complicated.

Okay. Because I'm sort of of the mind that no one's canceled for a first dance. Yeah. She does not feel that. What do you mean? She is. I just. What do you want to do that she's worried about getting canceled for?

No, the musicians. Okay. Oh, okay. Like, I don't want to get too into it. Yeah, I get it. suggested some stuff and she's like, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cancellation's off the table when we're talking about first and.

That's what I thought. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Because it's more about us making a memory. Yeah. But, yeah. So you're not going to tell us who you really want that she's kind of on the fence about? Let's just say it wasn't the original version of Ignition. I want that for you, dude. Caleb? Yeah. I don't think it's Come on. Yeah, I'm saying.

Yeah. You deserve this. You work hard. You know what sucks is she's not going to watch this, so it's still going to be. Well, don't I know it? We have, you know what? Shout out to her little sisters, though. You know what's funny? Yeah, they'll watch this. She has a, we have a note that we're updating for the wedding playlist. Yeah. And I did put ignition, and then I put just for the fellas. And she

hates it. Yeah, she's not into that. Yeah, no, not at all. That is so funny. You go, ladies, leave the dance for this. This one's just for the boys. And my argument is that, okay, maybe not first dance, but I think two hours into the reception, everybody's drunk, I think you turn just that one on. Yeah.

And it still goes crazy. I think you're good. Once you're into the reception, I agree. It can't be the first song. No. No, that would throw people off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think a couple hours into the reception,

you can give way pretty much anything. I think so, man. I think everybody's mingling. The drunk people are drunk, the high people are drunk. the high people are high, there's no kids. The boring people have gone home. Yeah, exactly. They already said their goodbyes.

The old people are done. Yeah. Or the old people who are with the shits. Yeah. So it's like, I think I'll get it in there. Yeah, I think you will too. Yeah. And this is what the day's about.

Are Kelly? Yeah. That's what the day should be about. That's what the point is. It's like, that's why we gathered here today. Yeah. That's why I'm wearing a mask in our life. That would be a fun.

You strike me as a fun first. dance kind of guy i think so i'm uh i was me and a line were just talking about this is so funny i'm good in a party i was really raised on like house parties yeah with like mad foreigners yeah so like i'm i was a party baby yeah i grew into a party teen and i'm now a party man what do you mean by mad foreigners my so it's so weird man my mom came here right and she had me right after she got here but she's like a kid she's like 19 yeah so she went to college so she went to college when I was like two or three so from like

those three to seven I guess I just live on campus and like when my mom first started college she was at ESL so it was like my second birthday party I think is just like me my tiny African mom because my mom's like 411

and then just like the 25 Korean girls who are in her ESL class but then she just She just met all these African people and shit like that, and they would just, my whole lot, growing up, they would just always have crazy, like, house parties. Yeah. So, like, just dancing and food.

And then, like, her and her friends, they all kind of continued that growing up. So there was, I just, yeah, it was just always, somebody was having a barbecue or a house party, and there was always, like, dancing and all that shit. I bet the food at the Korean African house party was... Food was going up. So sick.

Food was going up. There was, it was, it was, my mom was reminded me this the other day. There were times where we'd be, because we lived in apartments always, so there would be times where we'd be partying. I say we like I was in the, I was in the kids room, but I was sneaking out. Yeah, for sure. I was sneaking out, you know what I mean? I hear waterfalls, my jam comes on.

I go out there, everybody, it's cute when he's doing the bump. Yeah. But my mom would leave the door open and, like, people from the neighborhood would, like, come into our parties. Like, it was really going. The sounds heavenly. Yeah, I mean, we were very poor, but that part was good. That part, well, here's the thing.

I also grew up very poor And that part sucked But when everyone was just having a good time You kind of forgot you were poor for a second Yeah, for a lot Just chilling, yeah For a lot I think I've like dramatized it now

As I got older That it was more of a burden on me Maybe than it was Really? I think a little bit I think I was mostly kind of trying To have a good time Yeah

I think as a little little kid I feel maybe same Like as a little little kid I didn't really know anything other than just like Yeah we went We went to the lake a lot And like lake party were like, that was crazy.

Oh, yeah. Everyone's going crazy. The adults are having a good time. I didn't know that that was like their only day off for the year. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You didn't know how important it was.

I didn't know why they were going so hard. Yeah. Like the burgers had to be right, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like a fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People were being weird. They've had too much to drink.

For sure. It's the one day they get off this year or whatever. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, then when I got a little older and I couldn't wear name brain clothes, that's when shit started to feel tight. That's exactly when it happened was like, I think puberty when you start to feel that real difference is clothing is what to do it's.

Yeah, it's clothing for sure. It's the three wife pleasers. Three wife pleasers is crazy. When Dovon and Jovon and Jovon got two on. Dovon and Jovon got two on. Dovon and Jovan is so awesome. It was crazy. It was really nuts.

That's really fun. Do you know where they are now? No, no idea. I don't even want to look them up. I hope that they reach out because of this. I bet they're listeners. Donvon and Jovan if you're out there. I love you.

They are not. No, come on. I don't think they're podcasted. Govon and Jovon. If this was the Joe Budden podcast, maybe. Maybe? Maybe. Damn.

You don't think I got reach. You don't think I'm here. Not to where they're at. Not to wear that. I think some people from my past will see this. Yeah? For sure. Yeah?

Yeah. I think some guys. Guys, if you're from David's Pass, please reach out. Don't, don't. No, don't. Oh, no, actually. It's okay. Everybody.

Everybody from David's past. It's okay. I don't answer DM. I've had a couple moments in the last couple years of, like, you know, it's like, it's funny the things I think that are big happening in my career, no one from the past reaches out. No, yeah. They don't think the same things are cool that I do. And then the things they think are cool are things I don't really care about, but that's when

I get to reach out from the random stranger from the past. Yeah. But, like, girl, you had one class in college with, it's like, I always knew. It's like, okay, we barely spoke, you know? Yeah, that is so odd. It is so odd. You know what I've gotten is some. people reaching out in like an odd like like there's this one guy who quite frankly we really

just used to do drugs together like that's really what the relationship was and he'd reach out but it was always so like you probably don't even remember me and I'm like all right man well I'm not going to answer to that and then it's like six of them yeah like oh I bet you forgot your days and dirty tricks and I'm like hey man what the fuck it's like antagonistic kind of insecure You probably don't even remember me at all, huh? Yeah, and it's like, I do, but I don't want to talk. Well, that guy particularly was like, did you ever have a friend that used to get fucked up with a lot?

And then you tried to hang out sober one time, and you're like, oh, I don't even know. That wasn't part of my journey. Okay, that's good. I wasn't getting fucked up like that. That's good. But I can totally see what occurred there. Yeah, where it was like one time in the daytime.

Yeah. And you're like, oh, we don't have any, we don't really have anything. I think I had a lot of friends that had like this happened to them in ass, that they're like, my whole friend group is based on partying. And then they wake up one day when they're, like, 26, and they're like, I don't like or know any of these people. Yeah, it's like a lot of people you realize you've never seen in the daytime. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah, or sober or anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're like, oh, these are just like, I think we're all, we're less like, we're not connecting. We're kind of just bumping into each other at the nighttime. Yeah. Yeah.

But, uh, where were you, where were you when, where were you in your early 20s? San Francisco? San Francisco. I was so, I was in a shit town in Colorado, and I got the fuck up out of there, and then I made my way to San Francisco at 22, and I started doing comedy, and then I was like, I think I left to come here when I was like 27, 28. Yeah, I knew that you had done comedy in San Francisco before you came here. I was, I was heavy in San Francisco.

I really loved it. I didn't know you were out there for that long. Yeah, years, years. A fixture of the scene. Oh, yeah. I was Mr. I, man, I loved it. I like, when I was in San Francisco, because it was the first time I moved around a lot as a kid. So San Francisco was the first time I felt like an active participant in my community in a real way.

And I just like really, like I threw shows for my neighbor. Like I wanted to be popping in the inner Richmond. Yeah. That was like what I was like, I wanted everybody on Clement Street to know who I was. You know what I mean? Yeah. And it was like, yeah, it was an amazing time. A bunch of fun friends were there.

Amy Miller was there. One of the most confounding things to me about Amy is that she's not Midwestern. Yeah. Because she gives crazy Midwestern energy. You know what it is? It's a branch of California a lot of people don't know about. I know. I know.

I really had to tap in on that because I met her. She's the kind of person. She would live next to sex workers and be like, hey girls. Yeah. You know what I'm like, you're giving Omaha in such a crazy way? Yeah, no, but not Omaha at all. Elsa Branney. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Elsa Brandi. Yeah, dude. It's not even Oakland. it's like the out different thing yeah it's past okay the actually different thing yeah i did have to find out that there was a version of california that gives midwestern which is nice because it's almost like it can't all be paradise yeah you know what i mean i do it's like have you ever been north north of san francisco like i've been up there but i'm not hanging around yeah it's hairy up there it's weird to feel

things that driving by being around california i've been around the whole state in the last you know couple years and it's weird to feel like to feel the culture and the politics of home but to be around palm trees and mountains it's very uncanny valley to me it pisses me off quite frankly because it's like like in Colorado I live in a little

shit town for a long time or just a little small town yeah kind of shit but like those people it's brown all the time the weather sucks you're on the high plains you're not even in the mountains I understand And your hatred of California, your hatred of other people. Yeah. It sucks over here.

Yeah. But you go down to Orange County and you're like, what the fuck are you mad about? What are you complaining about? You over here, you're like that? Yeah. You should love everybody. Nobody's coming for this. Yeah.

O.C.? Yeah. Like, you're good. You're chilling. Yeah, it seems odd to me. I don't know how anybody could be a Republican by the beach. That's a beautiful sentiment, David. That's how I feel.

That's a beautiful sentiment. It's how I feel. do you think that you what do you have any republican opinions feelings what do you got going on over there anything republican going on for you no i don't think so right no no i don't i guess i don't hate hunting and fishing were you going fishing i like fishing i'm not hunting i said to sound cool but fishing yeah hunting is just too much more involved i feel it's also it's yeah it's a bigger time commitment you got to have the guns but fishing especially in denver me and my friend friends would go fishing a lot.

Really? Yeah. I haven't been fishing in a while. Man, we should go fishing. We really should. I wish you were, I wish now I was in Denver because I got spots. Damn. You know what I mean?

I bet we'll end up in Denver at the same time eventually. Yeah, it'll happen soon. Life is long. Yeah. We need to do that. Yeah. I'd love to go fishing. I haven't been in forever.

Really? Do you like fishing? I did when I was a kid. I would go. It's like, it's just a reason to be outside, man. That's the thing. I'd like to go fishing with like-minded adults because the issue with fishing and hunting growing up for me is.

that I'm a talker, and the men in my family were not enjoying that. Right. They were very much like, shut the fuck up. Like, you're just in the blind, just talking about stuff? Oh, I'm truly just in the blind, like kicking my feet up, being like, at school, there's this kid. You know, I'm like, enjoyed my uncle's like, yeah, yeah, man, you're going to scare the deer away, you're going to scare the fish away. I was always scaring something by talking. Yeah, I mean, I mean, but that goes into life.

You know, I'm glad I'm not that kind of man. Yeah. Like, I feel like I have enough master. skill and traits, but I was very much raised by women. So I'm not like the kind of like, if I'm alone with my friend, we're talking. Yeah. We're gabbing it up.

We're feet are up. We're chitting. We're chatting. Yeah. All that. Kiki and chatty cat, whatever you want to call it. I'm not like that quiet. I'm quiet by myself.

I don't need to be quiet with my friends. I love my friends. That's what I'm saying. I don't want to be quiet with anybody. If I'm in a hunting mind with a person, we're chatting. Yeah, because why else are we doing it up here? I'm stuck in here with you. Yeah.

I want to be quiet with you. I'm covered. deer piss, I want to at least talk about how I feel about it. I'm fucking drenched in deer piss. He's like, yeah, you didn't have to do that. But I wanted to. But I wanted to, man, because I love you. Yeah.

You got any kids in your life? Children? My sister just had a baby. Oh, yeah? Yeah. When? Four months ago? Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fresh baby. Yeah, little baby. Other than that, I don't really have any children in my life. Which sucks because I really like.

children but it's like i'm at a point where if i want to interact with some i got to grow my own yeah you can't just be out here yeah who just had a really funny joke about that uh ahmad yeah ahemad uh just had a great joke about that and i don't remember the specifics of it but he was basically like yeah i can't i can't just be like playful with kids the way i want to in public it's not a good look i had a bit about that on my comedy central did you it really is true and i feel it all the time yeah and it's like because it's like i very much remember being a kid and like strangers taking a liking to you like in the grocery or store or something

and always really enjoying those interactions you know or just like an old lady winks at you or something just shit like that you know what I mean? Does that sound crazy? No, but no but it was I feel that I'm with you yeah because I've always been

I was on the street a lot as a kid by myself and I've just always been the type of person that people would come up to like I've just always had that and sometimes it'd be weird I remember being a little kid in like dude's trying to sell me cologne out of backpacks and that wasn't yeah that's different that wasn't ideal but like a lot of just strangers talking to me

and I always really liked that I always thought or like you know you'd be running around the store and somebody would like laugh at that just like interacting with kids but you really you probably shouldn't be doing that it's hard because I love kids and I do want to like when they're when they're like you know I want to talk to them because I think they're so interesting and I'm like I love that you're in here being silly me too but then you look at the parents and sometimes the parents aren't like the parent needs to give you a cue that you can be silly with the kid right right right there needs to be some type of uh i remember when i first moved to san francisco there was like this elaborate bandana system to tell people how you like to have sex

yes yeah we learned about this recently on the pod oh really we had a gay historian on the pod it was it was it was crazy it i remember because i remember it was like it was the first my first like wow, I'm not in Colorado anymore. You know what I mean? I was at an open mic and this guy has like an orange bandana out of his left pocket and some girls are like, that means he's down for anything. And I was like, because at the time, too, I was like, I've always been open, but I just wasn't like liberal in the way that I wasn't around a lot,

especially like gay people, I just wasn't around. So I remember her saying he's down for anything. I was like, this guy's probably kissing dudes. To say the least. He's actually probably graduated from kissing dudes. He doesn't even do that anymore. I was like down for anything. I was like,

like he kissed a boy. That's so fucking funny, dude. Yeah, I was a rube when I got to San Francisco, for sure. You were an adult and oaf just kind of going around being like, who wants to teach me about gay? Well, because it was like I had seen a lot of life but like bad stuff. So I'd seen a lot of like violence and crime and shit like that. But I hadn't just seen like really open sexually people.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I was always curious about it because it always seemed like it was a good time. Yeah. You know what I mean? It does seem like it's a good. That's partially why I ended up over there. Yeah, they seem like they're having a good time.

You go, those people are having fun, yeah. Were you, I feel like I know some of your story from watching the podcast. But you weren't, besides having sex with high school boys, you weren't like gay community in, in Missouri, right? No, I had some, I was, yeah, hooking up with, like, peers and some guys a little bit older when I was in, when I was a teenager. But I, maybe a little bit. Like, I would talk to, when I was in middle school, I got in gay chat rooms. Not sexually, but I was in gay chat rooms. Just for friends.

No, truly, to talk to gay people. That's so beautiful. People don't talk about, everybody talks about the predatory nature of the chat rooms. Nobody ever talks about just like. I was in there, I was so scared, David. I was like literally on my grandma's computer on Myspace in Iowa. Like, everyone's outside playing, and I would sneak in. And I had a fake Myspace, I had like a secret Myspace account.

You had a secret gay Myspace? Yes, yes. And I'd be like, I am 13. I live in Missouri. gay, what do I do? That's literally their biggest fear. True. Like when Myspace popped,

everybody was like, what if my son has a secret gay Myspace? Oh, that's so funny. Meanwhile, I'm truly just on there to be like, someone tell me what to watch. That's, oh. Someone gave me a movie. I got so scared.

I remember one older gay guy messed me back, and he was like, he was like, honey, when you feel stressed out, have some chamomile tea, and just remember you're going to get older someday. And I got so scared by the kindness of that that it felt intimate. And I deleted my account and didn't get back on for a while.

Wow. I was so scared of that. I have a few questions about your account. Yeah. Did you do your own coding for wallpaper? No, no. No, no design. No, no design.

You didn't have like a song playing? No, no name, no. It was like, oh. Yeah, it was like whatever, whatever the least you could do was. Oh, you poor, babe. Because did you have any gay people in your life at all? No. That's tough.

So I was like looking, you know, but I did know inherently that like, I knew my aunt Ashley, I knew my mom would be like, wouldn't care. You could just feel that they were, I mean, maybe my aunt Ashley was openly saying politically progressive stuff, but my mom's always been like a, anytime someone would say something hateful around her about any type of person, she'd be like, whatever, let's have a beer. Yeah, that's awesome. She was never down with that shit. That's awesome. So I always

knew she would be cool. That's how my mom was too. Well, also my mom was like, she went out clubbing a lot. So from an early age, I knew go to gay bars if you don't want to get hit on by men. Yeah. As a woman. Whoa.

My mom was doing that in like the mid-90s. Queen. Yeah, her and her friends would go to her. Because she's like, she always had a lot of friends, but it's mostly like she has like a core group of women that kind of they're still friends to this day shout to my aunties but they would all go out a lot and my mom likes to dance so like yeah they were going to gay bars in Seattle which is weird because then as an adult sometimes I'll go out to a bar and then I'll remember my mom having talked about that bar when I was a kid whoa like

the rebar or some shit you know what I mean which is weird that's really weird yeah it's strange that's very interesting yeah yeah yeah I was I was hopping on there I was hopping on MySpace to chit-chat with gay people. But I had a lot of the same things you probably had when you moved to San Francisco when I was like going up to Kansas City in high school to go to like movie theaters and see gay movies and stuff. Yeah. I would see gay people and like I would try and like I would try to strike up a conversation with them.

You know, just to hear. But I was so like, I would see a gay guys holding hands in Kansas City. And I'd be like, oh my God, they're just doing that out in the open. You know what's crazy? Because that integration into your community. So I had that in San Francisco, but with black people because I was in a small town for like four years, where there were no anybody. Black people, there's

like a few Mexicans, but they only spoke Spanish. Yeah. So it's like very isolated in San Francisco. It's the same thing. Just going to black movies like, hey. Hey, guys. Me as well. Any questions? Yeah. I got this green bandana. It means I'm down to talk to any race. I'll talk to any

way. I don't mind. Yeah. Send a Pacific Islander over. I don't give it. Bring them over. No worries. I don't care at all. That's so funny. I'm totally cool. That's so funny. I you know the weird thing about moving to San Francisco was like there was so much open stuff sexually and I found out really quickly that I'm just a boring straight and I always felt like damn it's tough because you're like I'm in the playground yeah

how did I end I there would be times where I'd be like how did I end up in San Francisco not gay at 23 yeah this is fucked but that's how you know you really mean it yeah with the straight stuff yeah that is that is it I really believe that you're straight. Yeah. And that's a hard pill for me to swallow about anybody that I like. I get that. But I believe you. I get, no. I. Because you had the, you were right there in. It was if it was going to happen. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And I remember I'd be it like, we used to tell jokes at this place the stud. Yeah. This old gay bar on Folsom. And it would be like right after the open mark, Mike was this party called Bear Wars. Oh, yeah. And so it would be like the open mic. I bet you had a tough time getting out of there. Brother. Yeah. And it was the most.

It was the first, because I was like, I was like, 23, 24, it was the first time anyone had paid me any attention in the way of, like, buying me drinks and shit. Oh, yeah, big handsome guy like you. And even that didn't do it, so I just ain't got it, man. Yeah, it's not for you. Yeah. You know, I, everything's for everybody. No. And I appreciate the culture.

Yeah. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, like, married straight guy friends take an interest in my life. I see, that's beautiful. They're very, they're very, they're very jealous and interested. They're like, oh, you guys just. You just call up a blowjob on command. That's crazy. I think sometimes men, this sounds terrible.

I think sometimes men, straight, super straight men, look at gay men, and they view it as, like, the idea of a life unencumbered by women. Yeah, yeah. You don't have to, and I think that's what they're so excited about. Sometimes, I will say, you and your boys just kiss. You guys just hang out, and then you're fucking them? Yeah. What? What?

Well, so, not my boys, but so many straight guys don't genuinely just don't like women. That's what I mean. That's totally what it is. It's just like, oh, I got to go fuck my girlfriend. Yeah, it's one of the more alarming things about growing up. Yeah. Just finding out, like, because, like, I knew about men from my mom and her friends growing up, and then high school. I was playing football and shit, and then I got, I was doing construction for a while and shit.

So, like, finding out that, like, there. There's a lot of dudes who just, like, and they operate. I'm not saying they're, like, violent, terrible. They operate in society. They have women in their lives, but they just don't like women. And you're like, oh, I didn't know. That sucks. It's a real, they have no interest in.

It's a real weird. Like, I honestly had a big. But honestly, other people that way, too, my girl does not care for a minute. Oh, Queen. She likes me. She's real. Other than that, you're not really. She's real.

Because I'll try to put shit on sometimes. Like, just any man-dominated thing. Like last night I was making dinner And I put on the master And like 30 minutes in I was like, what do you say? And she's like, oh, I'm not watching this. All right, yeah.

Yeah, it's funny. Men and women in many ways so incompatible and still really trying it. You know, what else are we going to do? Well, yeah. If you can, yeah. But what am I going to do? I don't like you.

You're in it. Yeah, I know. I feel for you, dude. Yeah. I do think, oh, wait, what was I going to say? it was about about gay guys oh well I've obviously reckoned with men

not liking women for a long time because I grew up in the place I grew up in but really truly when Taylor Swift started going to a bunch of Chiefs games because she's dating Travis was that huge for you well the reaction to it I really like re-engaged with how much men don't like women

because all these men I'm like to me as a gay guy who loves football I have one of the biggest struggles of my life by the way we're all out here we're everywhere but I truly have such a one of the biggest roles in my life is trying to get the women in my life to care about it at all. Yeah.

Like so many of the women in my life don't care about football. And some do. But when Taylor came around, I was so excited because I was like, oh, the girls I love are now suddenly interested in football. This is going to be so good for me to bridge my interests. And all these straight men were like, get that dumb bitch off the screen. Yeah. And I was like, you don't want to bond with your daughters over the thing you love, you idiot.

No, they come here to specifically not do that. I just was like, wow, I forgot. They're like, that's why I'm over here. I was like, whoa, that's crazy. They're like, oh, yeah, that's the point. I'm like, what? Yeah, that's the whole thing. I, man, I wish I still loved football so much.

You could come be a fan of my team if you want. No, I can't. I'm a Broncos fan. It's no worries. Well, then get back into them, and I think they'll probably figure something out soon enough. Do you think that? Who do they got, Bo Nix? Is he still there?

This sucks. This sucks right now. Yeah, I know. Because I do hate the Chiefs, just viscerally. Totally. And there were a lot of eras that I had to sit out even though you guys

had cool shit going on. Yeah. Dante Hall, that whole situation. I know, man. So cool. Tough not to be a fan. Tony Gonzalez when I was a kid. All-time greatest.

Yeah, but. You don't think he's the greatest tight-in of all-time? Shannon Sharp is the greatest titan in of all-time. Tony Gonzalez is way better than Shannon Sharp, I feel. Numbers-wise, I don't think so. Isn't he statistically as well? How many yards is Tony Gonzalez have all-time? Is Tony Gonzalez the all-time?

We're going to figure this out. We're going to get to the bottom of this right now. Tony Gonzalez? It's fucked. He's not my type, but I find him a beautiful person. You don't think Tony Gonzalez is hot? I think he's attractive, but I don't go up for that. I don't go up.

I'm not like, oh my God, Tony Gonzalez. He looks like he's on a telenovela. Yeah. What do we got, Chance? He is the NFL record holder for career receiving yards for a tight end and career receptions for a tight end. Who's number two? Shannon Sharp?

What's he bench right now? Because Shannon's putting up 405 Number two might be Is Grunkowski somewhere up there You know who I like to like A lot was Todd Heap I don't know who that is You used to probably be a tight end for the Ravens

Yeah Yeah, good guy That was back when I still As I get older I just football less and less Was it and it was like I like cared about it You never gonna come back you think?

I don't know man Not in the way comedy really sucked all the sports out of my life like I lived and died by the Broncos I lived and died by the Nuggets that was like my shit I cared so much

in high school I used to watch college football I loved Christmas break when I could watch all the bowl games and shit and I think the further I got away from plant so two chiefs in the top three Tony Gonzalez and Travis Oh god

James Sharp is number five and it's a big gulf between him and number four by the way Chains Sharp is number five with 9,960 receiving yards. Antonio Gates is number four with 11,800. God, Gates was a cool piece of work, though. It's a big golf there. Yeah.

I'm sorry, dude. I'm so sorry. I think that I was just in Colorado and I was caught up in the wave, you know? Totally. It's just like the same way Terrell Davis is going to be the best running back to me. Yeah, absolutely. You know what I mean? This all makes sense to me.

Hey, it's no worries. I'm surprised Jamel's not getting you into basketball at all. You guys aren't? I'm into basketball. I'm into basketball pretty well because the Nuggets are fun. Nuggets game. One of the only NBA games I've ever been to, Nuggets game. Really? Not the day that we, not that day.

No. No, not that day. Couldn't get it together for that day. I was really glad when you said you didn't want to go because I was like, I don't want to sit in them with eyes. Same. Yeah, because we ran into that delightful man. We ran into like this cool, David and I went out to lunch in Denver, and there was a guy sitting alone at a picnic table.

real tall, older black guy, handsome dude. Yeah. And we were like, can we, do you mind if we sit over here? And he goes, go ahead, guys. We start chatting him up. He was a, he was a fun talker. Awesome. Awesome, man.

Thirl Bailey. Go in it. Yeah. And then we find out he was like a player for, was it the jazz? The jazz. And he's an analyst now and he was in town for the game that night. Yeah, he was cool. He was awesome.

No one looks his Instagram and his fits are crazy. Yeah, he was a hot old dude. He's slick. Yeah, I really like that guy. He was cool. What was his name? Thirl Bailey. What was his name?

Thirl Bailey. but he was cool as hell. His name was Thirl. Yeah, and he was pulling it off. Oh, he was sick. Because, like, thorough could suck, I think. It's funny, because we walked up, and we saw him sitting there, and I think I said, it was like, it looks like Kareem.

He's, like, so tall. We were talking about Kareem and Veronica Marsh in the car. We were talking about that. Yeah. And then we pulled up, because we pulled up, and I was like, that's, like, Kareem vibe. It was like Kareem, yeah. Yeah, and then he was a professional athlete, which never happened. How fun.

You, I walked away from that day feeling like that's, just, what happens to you. What do you mean? I just feel like maybe you're a bit charmed in that way. Charmed, like, fun little, fun little things like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, some people are like, some people are kind of just like, it's just how it is for them. I hate, I hate to, it is.

Yeah, it is. That's okay. Charming little things do kind of happen to me. But I also wonder, do charming little things just happen to me, or also am I seeking out charming little things because I really think I am. I think everybody is. Oh, you think everyone's seeking charming little things? Not everyone, but I think the people who do what we do

are. Yeah. Do they happen to you too? I mean, we need shit to talk about. We need experiences. We do need experiences. We're always looking for fun little anecdotes. I feel like you're finding them, right? Yeah, sometimes. What are happening to you? I, I have had so much periods of chaos in my life. I'm pretty glad for it to be mad, slow. Yeah. I like to be in the

house. You know what I mean? Yeah. I like to get I like to smoke one joint, dance to one pebble song in a riot, and then I want to go home to the girls. Yeah. That's beautiful, dude. All my animals are women. That's really beautiful. Yeah.

That's kind of how your life is set up. Yeah, I like it. I'm doing good. I think, yeah, I do, you were saying something about when you were a kid that people would like to talk to you, like strangers would like to talk to you. Yeah. I don't know if you still have this, but strangers will say anything to me. Yeah.

Like, strangers come up to me. These two have seen it. It's crazy. Like, any, I'll be doing, I'm not, I won't even be particularly acting friendly in a moment. Like, I'm like, a downbeat on tour, like, lugging bags or something. And someone out of nowhere will just be like, nice weather. I'm like, what, like, they like will come over. Brother, I'm in Century City Mall last night.

Meena Lina, you're just sitting there eating food and some old crazy looking man. Like, his, his hair was like, it was, it was like, it was wind, like, like, wind, like, like windblown. Yeah. Like he was like, wow. Yeah. Like Doc Brown.

Yeah. And also died very blonde. Yeah. And he was just like, hey, you got good vibes. I'm 70 years old. You know what the key is to a great marriage? Just talking to me. Yeah.

And that kind of thing happens to me a lot. But you do have great vibes. So I understand why he did that. But I wasn't doing anything. You don't have to. You have an emanating radiance about your soul. I was drinking Chick-fil-A. I, but it's there.

I just the other night saw a woman fall down. strong open I saw a woman I was walking with my boyfriend I saw a woman fall down in New York City and I left him over there and I ran to help her and I said I said hey how are you I'm so sorry I saw that are you okay she felt she tumbled hard yeah and immediately she looked at when I locked eyes with her I said this woman has an incredible soul she's like a beautiful human being like I could feel it just immediately just from looking in her eyes I love that and I'm dead serious and then we had a beautiful connection we talked for a minute and the rest of the night I was being a little weird to my boyfriend because I couldn't stop talking about where I can bed and I'm like man I miss

that woman okay two things but you have that similar when we were driving home from the mall I was like I don't know how to explain it I think that was divine yes I'm telling you because he was the guy was also like he was like you know one rule I have don't be tight spend it and I've been like I've been like weirdly tight on just like I think the idea of getting married all of a sudden put money in perspective in a way where it was like money was only a thing that I needed for next week or whatever and now you're like I have to build a life so I've been like nervous about it and then he said that and I was like you know what you're right brother second of all boyfriend how's that going it's good yeah it's good yeah you want to show me a picture maybe I'll react

better than you did to my cat well you have to because he might watch this yeah she might watch this your cat's going to tune in he's the biggest one would never allow that I gotta find a picture of, do you want to see us together? You just want to see him. Yeah, I want to see, I want to see together. I want to see the light in the eyes. Oh, this is us. Well, wait, I want to just show you this.

This is going to be cool. He's beautiful. God damn! Whoa! He could play anything. He's beautiful, but he's really mean to me. Is that what you're looking for? He treats me bad.

yeah he's not an ask these two he treats me bad he's toxic no no he's a total he's a total sweetheart he's like the nicest guy I've ever dated he's got like he's got like the type of tattoos that mean he's well traveled you know what I'm saying wait yeah he's got like yeah like not in an asshole way though in a cool way oh my god he's reading a book on the beach yeah brother I'll tell you that book never gets read when I go to the beach

I bring it every time, though. Yeah, it's going good. We like that guy. Good, good, good. Do you guys cohabitate or like... No, no. Different cities? No, we live both in Brooklyn. Okay. But it's funny because I'm gone all the time and he travels quite a bit for work and like for friend stuff.

Like he's always at some birthday party in some other state. That's a whole country, I assume. Or country, as the case may be. He's traveling. And it's, yeah, it's funny trying to make it all work, you know? Yeah, but that's great. Yeah, it's nice. Good for you.

It's nice. Thanks, dude. You seem like, you seem like you would be, I would imagine if you're just fucking, you could be a bit of a fuckboy, but I bet as a partner, you're amazing is what I like. Wow, you cocked mine. Is that what it is? Chants in Virginia are shaking their heads violently. Violently over there. Well, because that's, I mean, I think it's, I have the same thing.

Yeah. It's just like, you got so much charm that, like, if it's not. If it's just oozing out, then you're not really paying attention to who's getting it and who's not. Yeah. Like, I've, yeah, sometimes it's hard to focus that. I had a lot of fun fucking around. That was an era for sure. Yeah.

But I'm, yeah, I'm enjoying being in a relationship. It's nice. That's good. Good for you. Yeah. I'll talk about it very much. I really do want to keep, I want to keep some things like private, you know? Yeah.

I feel like my life is so not private. I share everything. Yeah. That I've been really slow. to talk about romance multiple times throughout my career same yeah same even i just talk about because we're engaged now so it's like i feel like it comes up a lot more yeah but before that not too much because it's also like they want you everybody wants everything to be for sale now and it's like i ain't i ain't going yeah you know what i mean yeah and i don't want it to be like my thing is my

thing i don't want her to have to be a integral you know what i mean right i don't want to have her to have to feel like she's a character in this weird. Like a show that I'm building. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because we all think that way as entertainers. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, you got to let her shit be her shit or his shit be his shit. I distinctly have not, I've not talked about him on stage. I've not talked about him much on here.

And I... Well, that's coming. I know. You can't. You can't. It's unavoidable because it's your life. Yeah. I avoided it for a really long time.

Yeah. And then, but after a while, you're just like, it's too big of a part to not. I know. And we don't have kids. You know, so what are I going to talk about? That's, yeah, that's tough, though, because it's like... And now I can't talk about dating is weird anymore. Well, you lose this whole big chunk of when you're not dating.

I got really, I had to really process that one of my big fears of being in a relationship, I have many because I have commitment issues, which is several people's fault, my mom's dad, and then mine. But... You're also so charming, I feel like, or you're so... I feel like sometimes when people are so outgoing, the idea of committing feels like... I feel like if you're very successful socially, the idea of committing to one thing seems like, But what am I leaving on the table? Yeah, well, it's scary because I'm like, I also like, I like dating.

I think it's fun to like, I like the rush of, like, meeting someone new and having a good time and getting to know them and getting, you know. But one of my big, one of my big fears that is so, sounds so irrational and crazy is about getting in a relationship, it's like, oh, I'm going to lose all my dating material. All those, like, fun experiences I was having that were building, you know. Dude, man, that shit is so real. I, like, I tell a lot all the time, I'm like, man, just don't let me end up being a dad comic, bro. like it's going to happen at some point I'm going to have to talk about it but I don't want to

I've seen that take out a lot of people I thought were great and then all the kids say the darndest things yeah all of a sudden now you're just talking about that and then the whole brand is that and it's like you used to talk about Coke yeah and that was cool we're missing him yeah I miss the Coke talk

a little bit yeah you know yeah I think that'll be a really intentional like when you have kids or when I have kids like because we feel that way I think a really intentional thing will be, like, making sure, I already feel right now just because I've been working so much and filming things that, like, I'm, like, trying. I'm, like, going, like, go have, please go have an experience. Yeah.

I want to be more intentional about, like, going and doing shit that's out of my comfort zone so that I'm living a fucking life for me, but also for, so I have something to talk about. Well, and you know what I've found is, like, I was, like, for a long time, I was really committed to that in the way of doing crazy shit. Yeah. You know what I mean? Destructive stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or not even destructive, just wild, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like, so I was really. could get on state because I wasn't living a real life my shit had to be hyped yeah because I couldn't get on stage and be like oh depression's tough to battle with so I'd be like you ever do mushrooms under the golden gate bridge on a Wednesday you know what I'm saying like I had to really like go out there yeah and that was like the way I was living intentionally because I wasn't maybe doing the normal stuff but now it's like my tweeters are blown bro yeah she's done too much exciting

stuff let me keep me in the house you like I'm at home yeah I'm like I'm having fun with you I'm really excited because after this I'm going to go watch Francis Tiafo play tennis with Jamel and that's like hell yeah my day I love that day we got to go to San Pedro and pick up some bar stools I love that day David what's so true to you oh man I'm not ready if you don't spend the time getting to know yourself life is going to prove it to you in a hard way ooh I think that's really true I think that I spend a lot of time maybe putting quality that I thought I wanted myself to have and things like priorities

that I thought I wanted to have on myself and then I wasn't that guy and then you just keep bumping up to a difficult wall but then you know you just take the time to really sit and be like what do I want what do I think it makes everything so much easier man yeah that's really really good advice thank you really interesting David

well you know I think you're brilliant yeah I love you I just love talking to you dude this is so good and guess what you were not even done yet because I got a segment for you. Oh, is this the money thing? The money ball? Baby. Okay, let's go. I feel like I've played along with some of these. I feel... If you're ready? I feel okay. Because what do I got to get

10? You have to get 10 out of 15. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're telling me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. If you get 10 or more correct, Dave, we're going to give you 50 U.S. Cash? Cash. Ooh. Wow. It'll be like, it'll be probably wire.

Oh. Is that change things for you? I am not on money gram anymore for personal reasons. Okay. We'll find a way. We can get it. We'll get it to you. Okay.

Chance got it, right? You ready? Okay. You ready? I'm ready. All right. Fortnite was released in 2017. True.

True. A.B. Negative is the rarest blood type. True. True. The Colorado Rockies have won two World Series championships. False. False. They've won?

None. Zero. Women first competed in the Olympics in 1964. True. False. 1900. William Henry Harrison was only president for 31 days. True.

True. Radiohead is from Australia. False. False. England. Pike's Peak had a ski resort up until 1984. False. True.

It takes sunlight eight minutes and 20 seconds to travel from the sun to the earth. False. True. Fuck. Wesley Snipes has played Blade in three movies. True. False. Four.

Four. Fuck. We only got one more. We have never found dinosaur fossils in Antarctica. False. False. We have. Nintendo was founded in 1880.

True. True. Lady Gaga owns a $50,000 ghost radar. Use ghost radar as senties. I need to see a ghost. Does anyone have my ghost radar? True. True. True. Carmel never expires. True. False. Fuck!

Stone Cold Steve Austin was born in California. True. False. Texas. Owls are mammals. True. False birds. I hate it. You blew it at the end, dude. That was the thing. You know what? You crumbled.

You know what happened is I lost the Pikes Peak, the Colorado thing? And then I just, I just, I just fell apart, man. I didn't keep my eye on the ball. You know what I mean? We trained for these type of situations. These are the moments where we have to be great. And you have to love it. Yeah, and it's on me.

Yeah. I'm going to go home. I'm not going to blame the coaching staff. I think they did a great job getting me prepared. And, you know, at the end of the day, I just love this team, man. I love these guys. Yeah. And it's a pleasure to play on the big stage.

Yeah. Any regrets? Anything you'd do different or? Probably those last four questions. That shit probably would have gone a little differently. David, we love you, dude. Thanks for coming on. This is so fun.

Thanks for doing it. You're welcome here anytime. Thank you. Come back on mine. I'm dying to. The white one, not the black one. Sean and I, yeah. But come on, man.

Brother, we just can't. We, we... Didn't you guys have Will Farrell on? He's like the whitest guy there is. Yeah, he owns the network. Well, come on, man. What, tell me where they can find you? I'm pissed now.

You can't have on white guys, but Will Ferrell gets to come on? Will Ferrell! He's fucking elf. Caleb, you're amazing. It's Will Ferrell. He's elf. You got to bend the knee to Will Ferrell. The whitest thing you can be is elf. And I don't get to come on.

I think that's true. I think that is true I like you said it and I wanted to push back but no I think that is why you see you could be as elf is yeah that movie

it was funny yeah I think that black people probably fuck with Elf tough I would I don't know but I just think I should get to come on the show I want you to at least talk to

I'll talk to Langston talk to Langston talk to producers I'm a big Langston fan as well Are you gonna do a show trade Is that what this is You want Langston to come on here? Yeah Linkson can come on here

I like Langston he's more than welcome on the show Langson, come on the show. You heard it. No. Yeah. Cool Guy Jokes 87 on Instagram. Yes, sir.

Oh, I have a special that I self-produced, but then 800-pound gorilla licensed it. So September 29th, it's going to be on YouTube. It's called Birth of a Nation with a G. It's very funny. I didn't get any press because I released it privately. Didn't know about that. Yeah. But now go watch it.

Run it up. I'd really like you. And my mama told me podcast, I'll fantasy everything. Hell yeah. Yeah. And really, really, really, go watch David's special. Please do. That fucking rocks.

You're one of the funniest stand-ups, I know. Oh, thank you. So I can't wait to see it. You too. You kill, man. Thanks, dude. I love you. Thanks for doing it. That was a hate gum podcast.

I'm Tignotaro. I'm May Martin. And I'm Fortune Feemster. And together, we're handsome. What is handsome? Well, it's a state of mind. It's how you feel. It's whatever you want it to be.

Hansom is also a podcast hosted by us, three stand-up comedians you may have seen on your TV. We swap stories, share life updates, and occasionally laugh until we cry. Every episode, we answer a question from a celebrity friend. People like Sarah Silverman. It's Stephen Colbert. It's Reese Witherspoon. My name is Mindy Kaling.

Hello, Hanson Podcast. It's Jen Aniston here. You gorgeous, devil you. So if you're looking for a positive, joyful show, guaranteed to make you giggle. Check out handsome. Jump right in with whatever episode tiggles your friend. fancy or start from the very first episode listen to handsome on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on youtube new episodes every tuesday and friday and don't forget keep it handsome

what's up everybody i'm kyle mooney and what's up everybody i'm beck by and man oh i got we got something to tell oh yeah we definitely do yes it's a brand new podcast on headgum that's right and it's called what's our podcast yep and that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast you'd be about. Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about and then we try it. Yep.

Guests like Mark Maren, Jack Black, Brini Brosky, Caper Lan, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter and Tim Balls, Landon Axler, Jory, Joni McGreeze, and Dender. And Dender. New episodes release every Wednesday. So subscribe to what's our podcast. On YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platform. Yeah.

I'm going to go do it right now.