So True with Caleb Hearon - Holmes Went to Clown College

Episode Date: March 21, 2024

Oh, we got a REAL treat for y'all. This week's guest is one of Caleb's best friends in the entire world, the hilarious Holmes! Holmes and Caleb talk about what's going on with doctors, their trips around the world, their unique party trick, and so much more. Join our Patreon for exclusive bonus content! https://patreon.com/SoTruePodcast?utm_medium=unknown&utm_source=join_link&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=copyLinkSee Caleb Live on Tour! https://calebhearon.komi.io/ Subscribe to our YouTube Channel! https://www.youtube.com/@sooootruepodFollow Holmes! @_holmes_holmesFollow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Follow the show! @sooootruepodSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Can you tell I'm changing a little? No, not yet. I'm so f***ing busted. Oh my god, ever since I did that one Dom audition, I did one audition where I had to be a Dom and it changed my entire personality. Oh my god, it changed my relationship to you. Holmes did one audition for like, what was it, a TV show

where they were supposed to be like a dominatrix? And then all of a sudden, I'm like, can you go to dinner tonight? They're like, no, pig. You know, they're like, we'll hang out when I say how's that i'm like what has happened like can we undo the audition no it was way worse i would like ask one girl out to dinner i guess i'm a top now and he'd be like no you're being a citizen i was like not my top era and i'd be like literally not your top era you're actually not a top i know that's been hard too i i've been trying to convince myself and then we get to the date and i'm like i'm like i'm like i'm like you better order for us

i'm like being a top in a way you're like a huge bitch yeah no you're like i'm a top shut the fuck up my meeting the top is being super sweet but calling everyone pigs dude dude so i was making out with a guy recently. Really hot guy, the one I showed you. Hey, Brad. Really hot. Really hot guy. But I make out with a lot of hot guys.

So don't just, don't make it seem like I only make out with one hot guy. He makes out with a lot of hot guys. I don't. Well, you're trying to be a lesbian. I'm trying to be a lesbian and I make out with some hot girls, but the numbers are still doing their thing. I was making out with a hot guy and I kept stopping him to make jokes because I had this really funny running bit that I was doing.

I can't. You're like, my tongue falls off. No, got you. You wish. Oh, what if we were gay? Kidding. No, I had this really funny running bit that I was doing but I don't want to give it away

because it's just for me and him, you know? Say it now. And I won't. And he goes. I won't. And he goes... I won't. Keeping it still. I'm keeping it secret for us. How much do I have to check in with them? It's our thing. You can check in with them anytime you want. And he goes, and like the fifth time I stopped to do the joke,

I'm like in the middle of doing the joke, and he goes, shut the fuck up. And then kissed me, and I said... Yeah, you're like, no more jokes tonight, sir. I said, I need him medically, actually. I said, I need him medically, actually. I said, whoo. I've been wanting to shut the fuck up.

Yeah, I know. That's the thing. It doesn't work when I do it. It sucks. If I had a huge fucking dick, I know. No, but it's fine. Dick. I had a huge fucking dick.

How much our relationship could change, the things I could do to you. If you had a huge dick? And sexy things in a boy way. Let me tell you something. If you had a huge dick, our relationship things in a boy way. Let me tell you something. If you had a huge dick, our relationship would change zero. I wouldn't want...

What about if my personality was a little different too? Oh, yeah. Oh, if you changed your personality, things would be way different between us. I might have to do some of that tough stuff on you. No, can I just say

what happened during the callback? Because it was actually a nightmare. So I did that role. I was really excited about it because it was just like the script was good and then literally in the room she goes i do it and i do the dom scene and i'm nervous obviously and then she goes she's like good she's like let's see a little bit more of a switch into the dom and in my head i thought i don't actually know if there is anywhere deeper i can go

but you're like speaking as strictly about him i gave I gave you everything I had. I was like, I was like 100% I was thinking the same thing. You know, then I like get into it. It's like, she's like, all right,

thanks so much for your time. I was like, I want to die. Thank you. We'll see you around. Yeah, I go right back into a bottom. I'm like,

thank you so much. Sorry. Log on. Now, hey, just because we're now, I'm sure most people watching this know,

but you're one of my best friends in the whole world. And just because you're one of my best friends doesn't mean I can slack off during this interview. I have to actually interview you. This means the world, actually. I mean, he never asks me questions.

And some days it's just us, you know, me doing all the work friendship-wise. There has not been a single day where you've done work in our friendship. I've known you for years. You have never showed up for me. I got the house first. That did kickstart us getting them. That did kickstart us getting them. We both bought houses in Kansas City.

And you didn't kickstart it, but you did go first. I kickstarted that part. You kickstarted Casey. I kickstart us getting them that did kickstart us getting we both bought houses in kansas city and you and i've never said you didn't kickstart it but you did go first i kickstarted that part you kickstarted casey i kickstarted i was like the houses are happening and you were like let's go and then now caleb is like i'm buying a mansion i'm like wait what's going on now he's like he's like there's a water park in kansas city with my name on it i'm like holy shit dude i've gotten i love real estate it's i want to displace people i want to displace people no your love for real estate does turn me on. It's hot. I like when a guy, you think he's on Grindr or something, you look over, it's like houses.

You're like, buy us something. It's cute. You were saying that like it's a common... No, stop. See, this is the problem. You and I go down these long little rabbit holes, and we can, but I have to actually ask you questions, and I want to tell people about you.

That means the world, and really quick before I do that, we kind of started so fast that I put my headphones on, and they're on my hair. Do you think that looks weird? Like I should get the hair? John, I think you look great. John. Stop, John. John's flirting with all my guests. It's really weird. John. Most of all,

Jack Martin. John flirted with Jack Martin a lot. I love Jack Martin. Well, that doesn't surprise me. That doesn't surprise me one bit. I love Jack Martin too. John's wearing a La Brea shirt. John's wearing just an NBC shirt. I don't flirt with Jack, but I will say when Jack smiles at me, something happens. Of course.

He's a hot guy. When hot guys smile at me, I feel things. I don't have that with guys who are like that, you know, like perfect looking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It does sound like different to me. I'm like all of a sudden filing paperwork. I'm like, you need your glue stick and you have it, right? Like, you know what I mean?

Okay, here's my interview for you. So, Holmes. Now, if I'm not mistaken, you attended clown college. Shut the fuck up! Didn't you study at a... No, I think I've got this right. Yes. You went to clown college. Get that away.

You don't need that, okay? Get that away. Get those away. You went to clown college. Get that away. You don't need that. Okay. Get that away. Throw that away. My nose. Get those away. Check those. Yeah. You went to clown college. I didn't go to clown college.

And no, I didn't go to clown college. Let's set the record straight actually here because I've had enough. This has happened multiple times. Caleb and I have been out and people have confidently assumed that I went to clown college. They'll always be like you went to clown college right? And I'm like no I

didn't and I don't know who started it and I don't know if it's just an energy I put off. You know that I started it. I've been telling

everyone for years that you went to clown college. But it started before you even said something. We were in a circle in Kansas City and

someone was like you went to clown college right? And you laughed really hard and then you started spreading it. Whose phone's

ringing? Whose phone's ringing whose phone's ringing i turned it off it's carly muted it's on wait call her back call her back call her back should i speaker into the mic our friend carly came to say something's fucking toxic brilliant new york comedian she's sobbing carly you're on speaker and you are on so true the podcast with me and caleb he made me call you back and here we are live don't say anything bad carly it's caleb heron comedian actor writer hi it's so nice to finally meet you. I'm a big fan.

I bet, girl. Hey. What is something that's so true to you? Something that's so true to me is that I just ate an edible and tried to go to the gym and left after 20 minutes. And to me,

and then I dropped a glass bottle of hot honey crisps in the grocery store in front from everyone. I mean, that's so true. Okay. And is that what you were calling homes about? Be honest.

Um, no. I was just calling to check in. Oh, are they not doing okay? Literally, Carly's dropping things, literally taking edibles at the gym, and it's like, I'm worried about homes. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What do you think you need to check in with homes about? Are they not doing well?

I don't know. You know, it was hard to tell last time we talked. It was really quick. We had a really quick check-in. It was one of those ones where I was like just getting into something and they're like, gotta shower fast, love you. And I was like... Well, Holmes, how are you doing?

Let Carly know. I think I'm doing really good today. Carly and I do have that friendship disease What are you doing? What did you say Carly? How are you doing? How am I doing? Well thank you for asking Some people never do

Carly I'm doing really well I think I've been craving love a lot lately Romantically But I think creatively I'm feeling inspired Okay I think that's a good balance And I think that love is on the way And what's so true to you before I let you guys get back to it Carly this is classic not Carly producing the podcast

no this is what's so true about Carly what's so true to Carly is switching it right on to you here's something that's so true about me Carly here I want I that's so true about me is that I need an answer from you on this question I need you to be honest okay Holmes and I are both drowning you have one life raft to throw out Carly for real be honest be Okay? Holmes and I are both drowning. You have one life raft to throw out. Carly, for real, be honest. Be really honest. You have one life raft

to throw out. The other person will die of drowning. Who are you saving? Carly. I'd kill myself. No. No, you can't do that.

You already love that idea. Carly's like, wait, we're all... I'd kill myself and let one of you drown and then we'd get to be in the afterlife together. Well, who are you letting drown

to be in the afterlife with? I'm not picking. Carly? Swapping it? That was really creative. Ask me what I would do between you and Holmes. Do it. What would you do?

I'd kill myself. Oh, my God. When the life raft is on you, it's really hard. The life raft, it's difficult when it's on you. I wish I didn't have to give it out. Carly, we love you so much, girl. Oh, this is such an honor, you guys. Have a great rest of the pod.

Carly, I'll call you later. Wait, do you want to, before you go, do you want to give one really nice compliment to Holmes? Oh. Absolutely. I think, Holmes, you are so yourself in a way that is... Oh, that sucks. Oh, that sucks.

All right, love you, girl. Bye. Love you. You hung up on her. I did because it was time for her to go. Okay, well, I'm just going to be like, she's literally on an edible and you and we just all laughed really hard at her answer you know her she's gonna get off them she's like she's gonna be like i love a boy i'm gonna get a text of all the things she loves about me for real she's like you're so yourself because you remind me of a

little butterfly you know what i mean like she is i love you okay yeah i get it we're working on it well that was obviously tough to hear yeah workshop that here like that was obviously fucking tough yeah you're like what do you like about homes i'm like multi-talented carly's like carly's carly's like carly's like i love that you stay true to your fucked up life no matter how much it's not working no matter how much it's not working for you you keep being you yeah she's like sometimes you put on an outfit that it makes us look it's gross you know but we go oh that's her she's being there yeah whatever i also can't believe that i was like do you think homes is doing okay and she was like i can't tell she well we have that kind of thing, which is like I'm trying to work on in friendships

where you're kind of suddenly a competition of like who's having like a hard moment. Like where it happens on accident, you know what I mean? Where it's just like, no, actually something was really exciting today. And then they're like, oh, I've been doing bad. And you're like, well, the day before was really bad for me. You know, and we go back and forth and you can just tell kind of. And so we have to work on that. Yeah, you guys should work on that.

You don't do that. No. you guys should work you don't do that no no no you don't do i guess i'm struggling to think of what you're even you know what i'm saying like you know when someone's telling you like they haven't won achievement like they're like they're like yeah i actually like got in the writer's room and then the other person is just like oh it sucks i just like can't catch a break and they're like yeah but the writer's room everyone spits on me and you're like what like it has to be then kind of bad like it's like I feel like Carly and I have a thing of like we want to make sure that the other person knows we still need them or something yeah there's a there I do think there's an impulse to be like hey I don't want you to feel

like my life is going perfectly when you're having a bad moment I also have hard times I'm with you the struggle is real and in a more selfish way, like, no, I need you forever. Yeah. That's kind of where it comes from me. I think it's more like, don't ever think I'm doing fine without you. Oh, that's toxic. I know. I'm really toxic. I know. I know. I'm really toxic. I'm working on it. No, I think I'm working on it a lot. So we actually don't talk that much anymore. God, I'm glad you got something new to work on because for a while you were doing boundaries and it made me want to kill myself. God, I got so sick of you setting boundaries with me. Well, you had to work on your boundaries.

Caleb shows up outside my house. I was like the only one who would get one. It's like midnight. There's a guy outside my house banging on the door. I'm like, fucking think I'm getting attacked. Caleb's like, we're going to the movies. It's like, that was your boundary issue. That's not a boundary issue.

That's awesome. Do you like when someone shows up at your house unannounced? Yes. You do? Depending. If it were you, yes. I would never be mad at you showing up to my house unannounced. Who. You do. Depending. If it were you, yes. I would never be mad at you showing up

to my house unannounced. Who would you be mad at? Well, those people. John's like, not John, not John. Those people. No one in the room. No, no one in the room.

I would never be mad at you showing up to my house unannounced. The thing I think that you and I struggle with is that I love you unconditionally and you love me

with conditions. My fucking God. And that's hard because it's unbalanced. And here's how I'm on the pod today. Let's get into it. Let's get into it. No, I hate when you set boundaries with me. It's so annoying.

I love you so unconditionally. And you know that this is, this is me. This is me and Holmes's relationship. Me. Hey, do you want to get lunch today? I'm really missing you.

I haven't caught up with you in a bit. Just thought it might be nice to have lunch. You four hours later. Hey, sorry. I absolutely can't do lunch today. Like I have a crazy one. It's just nuts. I did have one meeting at 11 AM. So the day is pretty much shot. I need to sit under a tree and kind of be in my body right now and check in with the universe. However, know that I love you so much and it's not personal. Three days from now, I really could do a phone call. That's our friendship. You know what? I actually was really a helpful conversation we had recently that helped me with this

because I would give a response like that because I have so many bitches in my life that when I can't hang out, they like a response like that. That is like kind of like over explaining why. And then we had the conversation the other day where you said women are more annoying, but men are more evil. Oh, should we have that on the record? Oh, should that be on the record that I said that? Because here's what happened. I said, I said, I said, you get me. I'll get you.

Because here's what happened with that. That was really helpful because you are my most masculine friend. I know that's fucking right, brother. Which can be so powerful because you are a gay man and I have a couple straight guy friends who are super femme. Need them, by the way. Need them. But it was really helpful when you explained how it's nice if I'm just like, I can't.

Yeah. And now that actually feels nicer with you, but I thought that was being ruder to be like, I can't. What I meant when I said that women are more annoying, but men are more. I got a lot of women fans. We can't just be selling me down the river like that. I think this is an interesting discussion because he did actually, you got me. I agree.

I convinced you disagreed with me at first. I disagreed. Here's what I meant by it. Men are more often ill-intentioned and have malice and are mean-spirited. Or like actually evil sometimes. Evil. But I find it often when a male friend tells me I can't hang out with you I can't maybe next time that is much more comforting

to me and less annoying women often annoy me more but it's because what's that? my purple hearts your purple hearts I hate the purple hearts women annoy me more often

because I love them so much and expect them to be so fun and cool but they're never evil like the women in my life are never doing something mean spirited or hateful no they're just annoying

well it's but it's a way. Literally, all the. It's like my mom. Definitely, definitely. It's like my mom. Like, I love, my mom is, who do I love more in the world than my mom? Nobody. I love that bitch down bad.

Would die for her. Not you, especially. I love my mom more than you, everybody in this room. I would trade all of you for one of my mom. Fine. Love that woman. However. She's annoying.

Like, I texted her the other day that I was coming to Kansas City for a month. i said i'm gonna be in kc for a month at my house she's currently staying at my house okay she lives there she said she's living at my house right now and she said i hope we get to spend some time together oh no shut up we're going to like i just that's annoying like you live at my house but that's the thing like the more femme communication that was honestly helpful when you said that but so you're my only friend that's annoying. Like, you live at my house. But that's the thing. Like, the more femme communication, that was honestly helpful when you said that. But you're my only friend that's like that. So many of my other friends would rather be like, and I'm skipping from this meeting to that one.

Otherwise, I would, of course, run to you. Where it's like, if I just say, like, can't with them, they'll be like, okay, you fucking hate me. And now when you said that, I'm like, no, that actually helps. And I do like that about you. Now I'm just like, can you tell I'm changing a little? No, not yet. I'm so fucking busted, dude.

It's fucking sucks. My therapist is also now neurodivergent. Like, she has ADD too, and I'm sort of like, she used to never... Not now with this. My therapist is now neurodivergent. That's like a Bill Maher clip. Yeah, my therapist is neurodivergent. Here's the a Bill Maher clip. Yeah, my therapist is neurodivergent.

Here's the thing. I have ADD. I can't hide it. I was on set the other fucking day. Yeah, my therapist got ADD, a damn disappointment. All I'm saying is she used to not talk about herself, and that was her main thing. And I like that because I've had the therapists before who were like, you know what movie I loved watching this week? And I'm like, I don't fucking care, you know?

And so she don't talk about herself and I love that. Now she's starting to do this thing and instead of just saying like, you, she'll be like, we think like this because we're both. And I'm like, and now I'm thinking about her suddenly. Now I'm worried about her. Now I'm thinking. And so I don't know what's going to have to happen with that. It fucking sucks.

I was on doing Sari Short the other day. There was this guy working on it. You were doing a short film for our friend Sari, I can bet. Yes. Genius. Love her. And there was a guy working on it. You're doing a short film for our friend Sari? I can bet. Yes. Genius. Love her. And there was a guy working on it and then there was her roommate who's this like really,

really smart, cool, hot girl, okay? And she is hot. It's important. Yeah. And she is kind of being

kind of quiet and she's like doing something in the corner and this guy, she's talking about how she has ADD and the guy's like, this one guy working,

he's like, I could not tell. I could not tell you, dude, that's really interesting. And I was like, yeah, I have it too. And he guy's like, this one guy working, he's like, I could not tell. I could not tell you do. That's really interesting. And I was like, yeah, I have it too. And he was like, we all know.

And I was just like, okay. He was like, oink, oink, ugly bitch. Yeah, focus up. He was like, you're insane. It was a nightmare.

He was like, oh, the ugly girl talks. She focused up enough to get a sentence out.'s like he's like yeah anyways i talked about it the roommate later she laughed she noticed it too yeah she was like yeah he was treating me different i was like thanks for saying like thank you for saying what's up y'all a few quick things from me. I'm going on tour. I'll be in New York, D.C., Philly, Chicago, Nashville, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Dallas, Houston, and Fort Worth in the coming weeks. So please go get tickets and come see me live. If you're enjoying the podcast, there is so much more of it exclusively on Patreon, including monthly bonus episodes from me and additional segments with every guest.

So go check that out if you want more So True. And finally, if you're enjoying the show, please tell please tell your friends subscribe everywhere leave a five-star review and all that stuff okay love you ciao okay yeah interview me okay so you went to clown college and that was really powerful and really brought you to where you are now you were on welcome to flash i was on welcome to flash you were on welcome to flash for two seasons you worked with paul feig yes love and a bunch of other great people. Yes, love. How was the experience? What did you think of it?

You know what? Now I really look at it in a really beautiful way. I learned so much. It was my second audition. I was the lead of a show, so I really had imposter syndrome at the beginning. And now it feels silly telling you this because I know you know this stuff, but I know we have to.

Stop telling me. I think I really learned so much and i loved it i love kelly so much who i play she has a really special place in my heart and when i was she was queer by the way she's gay kelly's gay kelly's super gay and that was like i thought it was really cool to be like a gay person she was gay it's not written exactly like that but people know she's gay yeah they come up to me and say like on the tour with, I just did it with Meckie, like people who come from,

from flash, like a lot of them are gay women and they'll be like, I love seeing her on TV or it's like a little girl. It will be like a dad and her 12 year old daughter. She's like, I love Kelly. And she's, I'm like,

you're gay. And so, yeah, that was really, really amazing. And I also like loved working in North Carolina because now I'm learning from being on a few things and like other places, how how like because you're not in LA or New York you get so close because you're in kind of a different place I love working outside of LA it feels like camp

so it's like I feel like I got to learn so much be with really really talented actors some of my favorite some of my favorite performers in the world I was actually just before this with Kyle Selig and um Taylor Ortega and I love them both and i wouldn't have met them without the show so yeah i love it so much and i'm excited for other stuff now too the only thing i wish i could change is that i wish we could like swear and i wish we could talk about more real things sometimes that you don't always get to see on yeah like your character could be explicitly gay that'd be cool if she was explicitly gay, that could be cool.

And also just like, yeah, it's based on one that like they're swearing every other word, the show This Country, which I think Daisy and Charlie are geniuses. And like, I do wish

that we could do that more, but that's out of my control, you know? But I learned a lot. I love her. She's a gay icon. And you know, someday I'll probably make something

where she's like 50 and she just is like out and gay and she's like, finally I get to be in charge and like burping and shit, you know? Oh, I love when gay people burp. Dude, she's a burper. She's a burper.

I don't burp. So I don't really train to burp for Kelly. I got in trouble with my dad when I was little because I discovered that you can make yourself burp. And he got mad. He was like, you got to stop. I wouldn't quit burping. Of course. It's so fun.

I was the same way when I found out I was a kikwi. I like didn't come off because I was off because I was the sign if I shouldn't say it or not. Did John say we shouldn't put that in? No, it's just queefing is really gross. No, it's not. This is how we rank these. I really think queef is the least gross, then

fart, then burp. Burp is my least favorite. Burp's nasty. You can always taste their fucking morning and afternoon. You can smell it in the air. I like to be either poop, vag, or I don't want to know what you ate. You think a queef is less gross than a burp? Yes. I think it goes queef is the least gross, then burp's the grossest. I think a queef is inherently-

Is there another air thing I forgot? Sneeze. You can't help that, though. Do you count that? Well, I guess you can't help the other ones sometimes. I think the order of disgusting is first is queef. No way. Because it comes from the vagina.

Queef is the least disgusting. You think? I know. I'm kidding. I love queefs. What do you think? I don't want to turn off all the people with vaginas. I already did.

I already did women are more annoying and men are more evil. This whole episode. No, I love pussy. And I love all the sounds that they do. Have you heard a lot of people queef? Oh, yeah. you had girlfriends growing up who were doing it I heard queefs

you didn't you haven't heard one no I know queefs people are queefing around me left and right no they weren't they weren't they call me Mr. Queef

they weren't they call me Chief Queef yeah that was my nickname in junior college it was a mistake though telling like the Chicago Improv scene that that was a thing because we'd be at like parties

and everyone would be like, Holmes can queef, Holmes can queef, go! And suddenly there's an audience of 30 and I'm like, you guys, ultimately, I'm 23 and I do want

to find love again. You were queefing at parties in Chicago? Sorry, I'm just going to say, we were close in Chicago and you never queefed at a party that we were at. We got close my second half.

My first half, I was like... You had quit queefing at parties by then? I did. I had a talk with the person who was mostly infiltrating the my second half. My first half, I was like... You had quit queefing at parties by then? I did. I had a talk with a person who was mostly infiltrating in, like, the beginning, and I was like,

hey, I don't feel like I'll queef for you still, but, like, I don't want to queef for you. That was basically it. I was like, I have fun when we do it, just us. There are so many things

that are, like, so gay-coded. Like, it was always, like, me and one girl being silly together, and then she'd be like, do it for the group, and I'd be like, I loved when we were, like,

together kind of being silly, us two. You're like, I thought we were dating. They're like, do your party trick, freak. But I'd be like, I loved when we were, like, together, kind of instantly, us two. You're like, I thought we were dating. They're like, do your party trick, freak. Literally. She's like, she went to clown school. I'm like, I didn't.

Like, I kind of thought we were going to date. She's like, I got a husband. Queef. She mostly learned to queef at clown school. She took queef in college. She took queef in college at clown school. I didn't learn anything in school. I probably would have learned more in clown school. She took queef in college. She took queef in college at clown school. I didn't learn anything in school. I probably would have learned more in clown school.

You probably would have. Literally. I would have been able to like fly or something. It's fucking a nightmare. Yeah. Well, in the trapeze. That famous thing that clowns do. I don't know.

When I say clown, what do you think of action-wise right away? Juggle. Oh, action-wise. Yeah. Scarfs out of a sleeve. You do. I thought you were going to say attribute-wise. Yeah, I know.

You're like a loser goof. Well, I was going to say like failed L.A. actor. Chuckle from one clown in the back. I'm fucking dead. My boy. No, I respect a lot of clowns. Natalie Palomides is one of the

funniest people I've ever seen perform. And she's clowning. L.A. changed the clown scene for what lot of clowns. Natalie Palomides is one of the funniest people I've ever seen perform. And she's clowning. LA changed the clown scene for what I thought clown meant. Because before, I didn't think this one. But this one, I... This one's not bad. I am a fan of this one, actually. If I'm having a bad day...

Well, it just never stops. If someone keeps doing that, that will eventually get me gigging, yeah. But juggling, I don't. Every fucking straight guy knows how to juggle. It's like, we get it. You have time alone. We are bored.

John, you know how to juggle? Not even close. Yeah. Give him three balls and say, I don't. Every fucking straight guy knows how to juggle. It's like, we get it, you have time alone, we are bored. John, you know how to juggle? Not even close. Yeah. Give him three bottles and see what happens. He's like, he's like, he's like,

don't have the time. It's like, you know how to juggle, Give him three bottles and see what happens. The way you said that, like, it was like a derogatory thing

for straight people. I think it is. Like, the amount of guys, the amount of straight guys who are like juggling for me and I'm just like, ooh, The way you said that, it was like a derogatory thing for straight people. I think it is. The amount of guys, the amount of straight guys who are juggling for me, and I'm just like, ooh, this is never going to come up. I've seen so many straight guys juggle. I swear to God. I hang out with a lot of straight guys, and I only know one of them that juggles.

And I will never be over me saying, John, can you juggle? John saying no, and you saying kind of quietly as if you were saying a slur. Give him three bottles and see what happens. That's fucking crazy. Give him three bottles and see what happens. Maybe it's like a flirty kind of thing that's happening to me. They all think I went to clown school. We're on our first date.

They're like, look. It's like a nightmare. Oh, you don't think, sorry, I've got something in my eye. You don't think the straight guys are flirting with you? No, Caleb, I don't know. I think some of them do. Straight guys do flirt with me. Obviously, one was.'s like a nightmare. Oh, you don't think. Sorry, I've got something in my eye. You don't think the straight guys are flirting with you? No, Caleb, I don't know. I think some of them do. Straight guys do flirt with me. Obviously, one was.

He juggled. Who was he? What? Say the guy who he juggled. Brian McElhaney. He's a TV writer that I worked on a show with. Did he juggle in the room? No, he did not juggle in the room.

Okay, good. He's a great guy, and he's a very talented juggler. I love him to death. Him and my friend Nick, they're a comedy duo called Britannic. Oh, amazing. Yeah, they're very funny. And they mostly juggle. No.

They do other stuff. No, they do sketch and Brian juggles. I don't know what it is about the skill. When I was at Fringe Fest, this one guy, he started juggling, and I was like, oh, cool, cool, cool. And then I sat there for like seven more minutes. I was like, the whole show's juggling. The whole show is juggling. Was it?

Yes. Did you stay? Of course. It's me. I'm, like, at the end. I'm like, yeah, amazing juggler. You know what I mean? But in my head, I was like, goddamn, like, this does get old.

Did you want to sleep with him? Like, were you attracted to him at all during the juggling? I wasn't going to say that, but, yeah, I mean, a teeny bit towards the end. It does work, because it's, like, you do, like, straight guys are so bad to say that, but yeah, I mean a teeny bit towards the end. Like it does work. Cause it's like, you do like straight guys are so bad at sex that like when they do something crazy with their hands or something, you're a little bit like, maybe that helped or like, I don't know.

Like it's like when they're throwing stuff up, it's like, well, if you can handle that, but you know, they probably focused mostly on juggling and not like, not like reading books, that stuff.

That is so fucking funny. I know. Wait, I have a surprise for you. We have some voicemails from our listeners for you. Wait. Oh, I love talking to you, but I want to talk to them too. We've got plenty of time for you and me to talk.

Basically, I asked them, what's something you want to know the truth about? And we've got two of them for you. Okay. So I'm a little confused because you hear about pheromones and how it would be matched DNA-wise, where you're weak and they're strong and blah blah blah but then like supposedly if you're on birth control your pheromones like react like the opposite way so like it and oh i wish i had not left this pretend like you never heard it goodbye i'm so high right now i, let me tell you something about this caller. I don't know their pronouns.

I would kill for them. She literally, she calls, she goes, she goes, she goes, I don't know if I should stop my birth control. Above go no. Holmes said, I do know their pronouns. She, her. No, I would kill for her. I literally, that's my fucking girlina right there.

That was such a, there's such good energy in that psychosis. Someone who calls in high for something i'm obsessed because lord knows when i'm high i like can't call my best friend even i'm always like sorry i'm being weird right now also you can tell she came in the pheromones thing she thought she was eaten she was like oh this is a good question i'm about to serve right right right and then just immediately fell through so tell me what you heard question wise she goes she goes the thing about pheromones is like they're supposed to be like when you're when they're weak and you're strong or when you're on birth control, yours get stronger

so I want to know, ooh I wish I hadn't left this, pretend you never heard it I am so high, bye That's the question. I do like the ooh. Okay, so she's kind of being like, is that real? I think she wants to know about pheromones and and I think they're not real.

Pheromones are like, oh, you sweat, and for some reason, instead of stinky, I want to fuck you. I think that's the idea, yeah. I have that with you. You always find a way to make it. No. Look, be sweet about it. Fine, I don't have it for you. I don't think they're real.

I don't think pheromones are something you pick up on. I think they have it for you. I don't think they're real. I don't think the Furmose is something you pick up on. I think they're real, but... Actually, I think they are real. No, you go ahead, because I think this actually explains a lot about some guys I haven't liked. This is why they're real. The people who I have dated are so vastly different. Two things they have in common, I do like when you like me. That's huge.

Sure. It's the opposite, unfortunately. I hate that about myself. That's a nightmare as well. But the other thing is that it was just an energy. Like it was just an energy or a smile or something because they're like really different. I will say there have been a couple of guys

I have seen that they didn't smell bad. Like I knew they were clean people, but their smell didn't work for me. Do you know what I mean? I'm not talking about the smell of their crotch either. I'm not talking about their balls or their dick or anything. I'm talking about

when we hug. I'm like, you're not dirty. I have this with women's breath. With specific women who I'm like, I would want to hook up with you. All women's breath. No, I love some women's breath. I could fucking drink it, right? No. Right to me. Right? I could fucking drink it, right? No, I'm saying... Right to me!

Right? I could fucking drink it, right? I want us to be in the same sexual pool so bad. I know you do. Just so we can have fun with it. I just wish there was some crossover. There is some crossover. Like bisexual guys. Like I want to fuck guys who are gay. That's the issue.

It sucks so bad how much I'm in the game. It's the only kind of porn that I've ever been able to watch. Okay. Oh. But I don't mostly watch any. Okay. But. But.

Yeah, there's some women's breath who I'm like, I'm into you and your breath is not bad. But the smell of it. Yeah. I'm able to be like, no, I wouldn't want to kiss. And conversely, there are some guys that I've seen that they don't smell, they smell good. I know that they're clean and they're wearing cologne and stuff, but there's something

extra about, yeah, I think I just literally realized that I believe in pheromones. Do you believe in them? I think I believe in pheromones. I believe in them 1,000 times. Also, I'm crazy to be debating this like it's not scientific fact. I'm pretty sure they've proven this. I'm like Joe Rogan, but opposite, I'm like, I think I actually do believe in science.

Like gay Rogan. I'm like, wait. There is some science stuff that I don't believe in that's fucked up. Name them. I think HPV is a little bit of a scam. I think the doctors are like, oh, every woman gets a strand. And it's just like another thing that makes women scared to have sex. Because it's such a riddle.

They'll be like, guys can't be tested on them. Oh, you have one of the hundreds of strands, but that one's not cancerous. That one is. Oh, wait, now it washed out. It's like, what the fuck is this? I want to tell you from the bottom of my heart that I need you to believe in HPV. I don't have it. I think HPV is very real.

Well, someone who doesn't believe in it isn't very convincing. No, I had it and it washed out. How about that? Okay. Did a medical doctor tell you that your HPV washed out? Literally. They say, they go like this. They go, I don't know if they say wash out.

They go. Can somebody Google is HPV wash outable? It's a huge thing. That's why they don't even like to give your pap smears until 30, a lot of doctors, because in your 20s and stuff like that, there'll be a lot of people have it and it washes out. Swear to God. It sounds like a scam now. You know what I felt.

You're feeling what I felt. Allie, what do we have? Allie probably is about to have hers washed out any day now. There's currently no cure for an existing HPV infection, but for most people, it would be cleared by their own immune system, and there are treatments available for symptoms that can cause it. Your body fights it off.

It's like a pussy flu and they're like, never have sex with a guy again. Everyone has a pussy flu and everyone's freaking out and making women never want to fuck. What if queefing is just pussy flu? And you're sneezing. Dude, I was pussy flu-ing all over.

No, I wasn't. I didn I gave it to everyone. And you're sneezing. Dude, I was pussy flu-ing all over. Dude, that sucks. Pussy sneezing. No, I wasn't. I didn't have it then. No worries. I think HPV is real and you should stop calling it washed out because what that sounded like to me

is that you literally just lost it in the bath. Washed out sounded to me like it was showered it away. But it's like, no, you had HPV. It just leaves your system. And guys can't track it. That is, come on. That's crazy. They're like, we can't test it. That is, come on. That's crazy.

I'm sorry. They're like, we can't test it in the boys, so they're going to keep fucking like raw dogging and stuff. But like, you guys should wash it out at home. If what you're hoping for is that I'm going to side with you, a person on a podcast versus like medical doctors. Some of the girls are believing in me doctor wise. Some of the what?

Some of the female doctors. Because anytime I go in now, I bring this up kind of. And I'm always like, HPV is a scam. And like, I've had a couple doctors who are like, it is kind of weird. Okay, sorry. Just so I understand. You're trying to tell me you've been going to doctors and pitching them on HPV not being real. Yes.

And some of them are going for it? Yes. Yes. That's crazy. Doctors are, you know this. They can be anyone. And you know some of them are crazy. I told you when I asked.

You've heard me talk about when the gay guy doctor, who I felt so safe finally because we were having fun, I was like, can you actually get pregnant from pulling out? And he said no. And he was like, no, we just don't trust guys. And I was like, well, that's insane. You can get pregnant from pulling out. If they don't pull out.

It's like if the guy's like, we're pulling out. Oh, it felt really good. You know, that's like the thing. So there's two things I don't believe the doctors say. Everything else, I believe. I do. Everything?

No, I think they're fucked on weight as well. So there's three things. I think there's three things that they're fucked on. I think they're good on weight. I love the way doctors think about fat people.

Those are the three things I think they're fucked on. Weight, HPV. You're trying to shoehorn your agenda in. And they won't tell you that queefing is healthy. Those are my three things. It's like your thing as well. Don't shake.

No, well, I told you the one time when, I don't know if I said it, one time in Chicago when I went in and she was like, do you smoke weed? And I was like, yeah. And she was like, that's illegal. And I was like and she was like, do you smoke weed? And I was like, yeah. And she was like, that's illegal. And I was like, I was like,

am I under arrest or are you about to fucking touch my boobs in a second? Like, what the fuck's going on? If someone asks if you smoke weed in a state where it's not legal, you're always supposed to say back,

are you an arc? Yeah, well, now I know. Now I lie. Now I smoke weed every day. They're like, do you smoke weed? I'm like, no way. Never. So they're like,

oh, good, because it would really affect this test. You know what I mean? It's like the worst. You need to be telling the truth about that stuff. I'm not going to. You live in two States where it's legal. Kath told me my mom to trust no one.

And I finally start to get that. You're, I love your mom, but we need to take some things with a grain of salt. Growing up. I didn't believe her. Now I do. Do you trust people?

How many people? I trust people. How many? Oh, what do you mean? How many? Do you trust me? Do you trust people? How many people? I trust people. How many? What do you mean how many? Do you trust me? Do I trust you? Unlike certain things, I think there are things

I definitely trust you about. But do I trust you inherently, implicitly? No. I trust you to tell the truth. I don't trust your judgment.

That was real. That was real. That was real. That was real. I trust you in that way too. You trust my judgment? I trust your judgment 95%. Remember? I used to trust 100% and that's a strength on me.

Sometimes it's like I'll trust my close friend's judgment more than mine. And that's been something I've worked on. I'd love to get you back to 100. No. 95 is a really healthy place. Holmes, I have for you a really exciting game. Okay. Okay?

Let me tell you something. I am going to read you, your hair looks good. Your hair looks good. Okay. Does it actually? I love your hair. But I like when guys have longer hair. You're like, but I like when guys look like shit.

Yeah. I'm like, messy works for me. Good. Go. Hey, I got a segment for you. Okay. I like, but I like when guys have longer hair. You're like, but I like when guys look like shit. Yeah. I'm like messy works for me. Good. Go. Hey, I got a segment for you. Okay. I'm excited. I am going to read you 15 statements. Okay. Okay. You are going to tell me, and there is a right or wrong answer. You're going to tell me as quick as you can if you think they are true or false. And if you get more than 10 of these correct, 10 or more, I'm going to give

you 50 US dollars. I need that. I know you do, baby. Here we go. Are you ready? Sharks or mammals? What? Sharks or Here we go. Are you ready? Sharks or mammals? What? Sharks or mammals? Oh, R. I thought you said R. I was like- Sharks or mammals?

True. False. They're fish. The first- Oh my God. I'm already really bad at this. The first iPhone without a home button was the iPhone X. False.

True. Greenland is the largest island in the world. True. True. The average human sneeze can be clocked at 100 miles per hour true true the chicago magic lounge is located at 2020 north clark street true false 50 50 north clark street chance kind of was mean to you on that one the most common blood type is a positive um True. False. O negative. I don't know any of this. It took eight years to produce

the Disney animated classic Sleeping Beauty. True. True. Cheesecake comes from Italy. False. False. Greece. Only two men signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776. True. True. Breaking Bad ran for seven seasons.

True. False. Five. Florida State is the oldest university in Florida. True True Breaking Bad ran for seven seasons True False Five Florida State is the oldest university in Florida I should know that True You sure? No True

That one doesn't count The Chicago Marathon is the largest in the world Chicago Marathon is the largest in the world False False New York Marathon Three strikes in a row in bowling is called a chicken. No.

False. Turkey. False. Turkey. I knew that. Thomas Jefferson brought mac and cheese to the United States. False. True.

Ew. The Hallmark greeting card company was founded in Kansas City. True. True. How many did they get? Eight. Boo. You suck.

Wait. You'll never work again! Wait, eight fucking sucks. I was so close. The mac and cheese one, I feel like that's not true. Did you count the one I said about Florida? I did. Wow.

You got it. Wow. So you really only got seven. Okay, fine. My show. Has anyone got it? All ten? Oh, a lot of people.

No, they haven't. Oh, yeah. A lot of people. A lot of people are getting 11 and 12. I'm kidding. A couple yeah. A lot of people. A lot of people are getting 11 and 12. I'm kidding. A couple people have gotten, yeah. I'm trying to think if I have any shame about the ones I didn't know. I feel like towards the time, the only one I feel shame about is the shark one.

Okay. The shark one I'm feeling bad about. Like, it's like I should have known that's a fish. I don't think you need to have any shame around it at all. No, I'm going to. Oh, I'll be processing shame. But that's the only one I have it about. Tell your favorite story about us.

About you and me? Yeah. Tell your favorite story about us. About you and me? Yeah. Tell your favorite us story. There's a lot to choose from. A lot of lore. Well, it's kind of hard because a lot of them are kind of only earnest. That's okay. That's okay.

The listeners like that. Do they? They like a balance. My fans like about me, and there's many of them, the K-Liberty's and K-Lesbians, they're a very... I cannot. No, I'm being serious. They're a very special community.

Oh, yeah. That sounded bad. Hush, hush. I think what they value about me is my willingness to be both one of the deepest, most profound intellectuals of our time. False. But also true.

Oh, sorry. But also true. They love that. But also mixed with a lightness and a silliness that most people as smart as me can't access. Okay. So I love that we're storytelling right now, kind of doing fantasies. No.

I think that my favorite was, honestly, what I think about, I think about two things right away. One is something that I love about you, which is that now sometimes you do

drink occasionally, which, hear me out, I just will never forget the first time I saw it and you started trust falling on everyone. I think about that

all the time. It's one of my favorite memories of just you solo because I was like, I love him more than anything because people were really shocked because they didn't know it was coming um but now it's a lot of trust i love it my favorite memory that we share is when we had your mom and some of our chosen family and then

my family and then lady j and deirdre and we all went out to italian restaurant it was before either of us had moved to kansas city actually but we were bringing people that we loved there to show them. And we had like, I don't know when you go out to eat. I feel like so often like the table just isn't it. We're like the table and the restaurant helps survive so much. And we had this big square table and like, it was like the upstairs of the restaurant was just ours. And it was like such an amazing restaurant that I love so much. And we got to really look at everyone and laugh and tell stories about growing up. And I just feel like, I don't know, it was like, honestly, probably one of my favorite meals I've ever had. And then me and Caleb had like a moment, like we were like dating or something, but where we like went to the bathroom and we were like,

we're going to split this, you know? And it was like this cute, I just, I just remembered feeling like, not only can we take care of our parents sometimes we can like show them a great time and introduce them to really, really interesting people. And we create community together. I wish I remembered this. No, that was a very special night. I love that night. But of course, in true me fashion, the thing I remember most about that night is our server going deep on his sobriety.

Do you remember that? In the middle, we're having like this very special meal with like some of our closest creative collaborators our families it is beautiful because it's going to be an expensive meal and we're planning on paying for it right it's like we were feeling very accomplished and then our server out of nowhere at one point goes yeah i got my 15 year chip drink and ruin my life i was at rock bottom my wife left me my kids couldn't stand me but every day it's a new choice more tea more tea wait i was like jesus brother i mean i of him, but I was like, it's maybe not the time. I forgot about that. Now I remember because I remember Lady J was like, 1,000%.

I almost killed someone. And we're like, Lady J. We were like, stop. Stop on your sobriety. Yeah, he went deep on sobriety that night. I don't know. What's your favorite memory of us? Say now.

My favorite memory of us hasn't happened yet. And it'll be the day we finally de- Yeah, yeah, detach. No, say it now for real. You don't have one. My favorite memory of us hasn't happened yet and it'll be the day we finally de-entangle. Yeah, yeah, detach. No, say it now for real. You don't have one. My favorite... Sucks. My favorite memory of us, there have been so many. I would say to pick one is hard. That's what I'm

saying. To pick one is hard. But you know what? I'll pick one. Okay. So we've traveled together a lot. Yes, which I love. Mostly good. And – All good. And when we went to – the year that my dad died, we went to Berlin together for New Year's with a bunch of friends. Yeah.

And I wasn't supposed to go. Shout out, Ali. Love you, girl. Well, and it was fun because I wasn't supposed to go to Berlin. I was just in Europe and, like, you were, like, coming. So I was like, it was fun because I wasn't supposed to go to Berlin. I was just in Europe, and you were coming, so I was like, I'm going. I wasn't supposed to go to Berlin. What happened was that our friend Nori and I were like, let's go to Paris for Christmas. I was already in Portugal.

And you were in Portugal, and Lady J was going to be in Berlin. And we were like, we've heard New Year's in Berlin is crazy. Why don't we all go to Berlin? And then Ali decided to come. Crazy it was. And crazy it was. Anna decided to come, and it was a whole thing. And the night of New Year's Eve, you remember

we didn't have a dinner reservation. So I found a place near where we were going. That was so fun. And it was this Greek restaurant which was so random. And there was this like, I think like brother sister duo maybe? It was like a young girl, yeah. These teenagers who like clearly like booked this gig. And

they were playing the restaurant. And they were playing bad covers. But in a way that really was camp. And it was just like, I hurt myself today. The needle tears. Come on, a hole. And it was crazy. And their parents were there and us.

And we were all celebrating them. And everybody was taking pictures of them. Because it was all their friends and family who came out. And we were cracking. We could not have had a better time. We started dancing. It was crazy. And their parents were there and us. And everybody was taking pictures of them because it was like all their friends and family who came out. And we were cracking. We could not have had a better time. We started dancing. It was so fun. And then we went to that mountaintop. We love a good meal.

We love a good meal. A good meal is my favorite activity. And then I took a video of you smiling beneath the fireworks at the strike of midnight. Right before I got struck. Right before you got struck by a firework. Yep. We were getting struck a lot that night. We all got hit by fireworks that night.

You were just the most dramatic about it. You were the second most hit by fireworks that night. You were just the most dramatic about it. You were the second most dramatic. I was not. You were the second most dramatic about it. Would you tell anyone to go to Berlin for New Year's or would you say don't? I would say go. I'd say go once.

I'd say go. I'd say the fireworks were awesome. It was cool that they shoot them at you. I thought that was cool. I'd say go once and wear protective layers. But again, I'm really at a place with death where I'm like, I just want to go

in a cool way. That's all I want from my death. I feel so similar. I would like it to be like animal or something. Like I don't want it to be just bed.

Yeah, I want to die in an awesome way. The only two things I think about my death What do you consider awesome? Like getting killed by a firework in Berlin on New Year's Eve.

Hello, he lived a life. I think that would be awesome. The only other thing I want from my death is I want to be the most famous person who dies in my death event or on the day I die maybe.

Oh, I don't want to be, I don't want dies in my death event. Or on the day I die, maybe. Oh, my God. I don't want to die with, like, Jake Gyllenhaal or something. Literally. And I also don't want to die. That's why dying by gun in America fucking sucks. It does. And I also don't want to die near a hero. I don't want to die by, like, a school teacher who jumped on a grenade.

100%. Because then it's like school teacher jumps on grenade and comedian dies alongside, you know? I 100% get that. If I die by gun, I want it to be in Europe. And people are like, whoa, that never happens, you know? Like, holy shit. I want to die in a knife attack in Japan or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't want to die by knife. I know that. Yeah, okay. So just remember that. Yeah, I just want to die exciting. I'm not really, I'm like having a good time being alive, but I'm not like desperate to keep it going, you know? You are.

No, I like it. I like it. But I'm like, I think not like desperate to keep it going. You know, you are. I like it. I like it. But I'm like, I think I used to have such a fear of death and my hypochondria was debilitating because of that. And I've really made peace with death where I'm like, it is going to happen. Right.

So now when the plane gets bumpy, I don't freak out. I just go would be funny. Do you think that switched after your dad died? No, it was before it was COVID. It was COVID. You were,

I remember at the beginning you were really anxious. Yeah. COVID fucked me up. And then, but I'm lucky it fucked me up in the way where it kind of. It was COVID. It was COVID. You were, I remember at the beginning, you were really anxious. Yeah, COVID fucked me up. And then, but I'm lucky it fucked me up in the way where it kind of fixed me. Right. COVID took a lot of my friends in the other way. It kind of fixed. I don't think that it, I mean, I didn't have a good time, but I don't think, I think I would have been just as messy either way.

With or without COVID? I do. COVID was good for me. People have this. Mentally, COVID helped me. I think. I needed a break, number one. I'm sorry. It's like, I don't wish it. I don't like it. I wish it was gone. No, it's true. But it's like, I did need

a break. I needed to learn. No, I'm happy you're doing this because I have the whole doesn't cry during shootings thing, so let's get yours out. That's your thing. Well, I think you pretty much got me with women are annoying and men are evil. I think my mostly female fans are going to have a heyday with that one. Guys, please, you have to know me and understand. He really loves women, but they can be annoying.

They can. What are non-binary people? Well, I don't count them. Yeah, if I ever meet a non-binary person, I'll let you know. Well, actually, one of my favorite bits in Mexico City that I was doing was when we were at a museum together, I was asking our friends. We went to Mexico City together for New Year's this year, and I would ask our friends. I'd be like,

Big Zuna, seen Holmes? Where is she? Sorry, they. Sorry. I think that's so funny. To mess it up with your friends. Yeah, I mean, I, we're living New Year's this year and I would ask our friends I'd be like Big Zuna seen Holmes where is she sorry they sorry I think that's so funny to mess it up with your friends yeah I mean I we live in an industry where no one's ever going

to get those things right and I don't care just for the record show you can use any pronoun I don't care I don't care well that's because you're not actually non-binary

you're using it to get ahead thank you because it does help like a lot of people are sort of like you know like oh we're looking for someone who's like gay

with a mononym you know like a lot of people are really excited like, oh, we're looking for someone who's gay with a mononym. A lot of people are really excited about that. People are buying projects. People are loving that. People are really loving that, yeah. No, I've been putting on my kind of girl for some auditions. You've been putting on girl? I've been putting on girl for auditions.

I'd put on anything for an audition if the money's right. I'd put on anything for an audition. I'd put on Dom. It looks weirder than girl, I'll tell you that much. Dom would not look right on you. Dom didn't? What, you think he'd look right on you? You have no idea what I get into.

You have no idea what I get into. What do you say? You're like, sit down. Have I ever bossed someone around in the bedroom? Absolutely. I'm going to get better at it. I'm going to get better at it. I want to be able to.

I'm disappointed in you. I want to be, I do want to be better at it. Hey, what's something that's so true to you? And try to get this to be a really good one, because this is the whole point of the podcast. Okay. What's so true to me is that I don't talk at

all. No. Is that some? You start crying. Yeah. What's so true to me is that I actually am affected by gun violence. I fucking am obviously by gun violence. I don't. I fucking am, obviously. God damn it. I actually do mourn the victims of gun violence.

I fucking do. No, it's okay that you don't. No, I fucking, god damn it. I hate that that's, okay. What's so true to me is that some people don't deserve expensive things. Wow. Some people don't deserve expensive things. Wow. Some people don't deserve expensive things, myself included.

And it's like, I want to be like, even if I like make all the money in the world, some people don't deserve them. Do you lose them? Do you not treat them right? You don't deserve them. That's okay. It doesn't mean you don't deserve love,

but you don't deserve diamonds. You don't deserve boats. I guess I'm not confused on some people not deserving expensive things. What do you think makes people deserving of expensive things? Because I would almost say nobody deserves expensive things. What do you think makes people deserving of expensive things? Because I would almost say nobody deserves expensive things.

No, I think like a Capricorn or like someone who... I think like, okay, this is something I've been working on a lot is that like being content is boring. That's what Capricorn and Ty figured out.

I don't like being bored. So my life is messy. I'm working on that obviously. But that means I lose diamonds. So Capricorns, boring people, they're not losing diamonds. Okay. They're like polishing them. And they're like, you know, people who wash their car too much, they deserve that. You know, I don't deserve a new car. I'm not going to take care of her. I'm going to let my car die with me. You know, she's going to be till the end. My car, like she is, she looks like she's been through it

because you and her are both going down in a knife attack. It's my longest fucking relationship. I fucking love her to death. I see all the scars. I'd love for you to get a new one. No. I know.

She's not perfect. No, she's not. She's not. So I think those people, I think boring, that's actually maybe more of that's so true. Boring people

deserve expensive things. No, I don't know if I believe that. I believe the first thing. Not everyone deserves expensive things, myself included. Most people who deserve expensive things are boring.

It's a squares and rectangles situation. It's hard, right? Yeah. What do you, do you agree? Not everybody deserves expensive things. I think I said my piece on it. I think nobody deserves expensive things. You think nobody deserves expensive things.

There's no, you can't deserve an expensive thing. Okay, hero. He's like, some people don't have homes. I'm like, I know how I feel. You think so? Okay. You think no one deserves it? I think it's not something you can deserve. What do you think you do deserve? What do I deserve? Everything. No. What do you think a human person, what do you think they deserve? Uh, dignity, the ability to vote for their elected officials, a place to sleep, food, healthcare. But you don't feel that way because you're very right wing. I'm like, I don't think you should be able to vote.

No, I think you deserve all those things too. But those, yeah, those are just their basic things. You don't think anything bougie, et cetera, no one deserves. It's not that no one deserves them. It's that you... I think you deserve diamonds and stuff. Well, thank you. I don't desire them. You're one of the few that no one deserves them. It's that you, I think you deserve diamonds and stuff. Well, thank you.

I don't desire them, but I, you're one of the few that aren't boring though. I'm one of the few interesting people who deserves nice things. Yes. I don't want nice things. You love a new car. I don't really,

I don't have a new car, but you like, like getting cars or you like reaching to desperately grasping, but you like would get a new car at some point. You like to search for things that you can buy. I like shopping, but I often end up with a bargain. I don't think,

I didn't buy the nicest house I could afford. I don't buy the nicest car I can afford. I don't think you can deserve expensive things. But I think- It's a big one. What's a big one? That's a big take, I love it. That's a big take, but that's my so true. It's so true that you can't deserve expensive things. But I think... It's a big one. What's a big one? That's a big take. I love it.

That's a big take. But that's my so true. It's so true that you can't deserve expensive things, which is kind of in your point. Yeah. You don't deserve expensive things. You don't deserve expensive things.

But specifically, I don't. That's my point. Yeah. Well, we should probably work on that. I don't deserve expensive... No. I deserve a bunch of stuff, but not expensive things.

I had to have a lesson after losing the diamonds a second time. I lost diamonds multiple times. What do you think you deserve the most? Other have a lesson after losing the diamonds a second time. I lost diamonds multiple times. What do you think you deserve the most? Other than a swift

kick in the ass. Okay, flirting. I think what I deserve the most is... God damn. Peace? I think peace. I don't see that for you.

Yes, I think I see it in my 30s. You think you'll be peaceful in your 30s? Are you scared to turn 30? Absolutely not. I've been 30 since I was like 15. Yeah. I can't wait to be in my 30s. See, that always scares me when people do that thing.

Like, everyone always told me I was 30. Because it's like, you know the one I get a lot? 14. Yeah. Everyone's like, you're giving me 14. I'm like, I don't like when you say that. Oh, stop. Is there anything you want to plug to the fans, to the listeners? it a lot 14 yeah everyone's like you're giving 14 i'm like i don't like when you say that stop uh is there anything you want to plug to the to the fans to the listeners

anything you want to tell them about anything you're loving i really like vince daples new show i thought it was really really good he's so hot i literally have such a crush on him i literally left and was like i have a new crush i hate to objectify i'm sure the show is great the show is gorgeous the show made me have a crush it's so I literally left and was like, I have a new crush. I hate to objectify, but I'm sure the show is great. The show is so gorgeous. The show made me have a crush. It's so funny. It's so good. But for me.

He's funny as fuck. He's so funny. Just follow me on stuff because I do have stuff I'm working on that I'm putting out in a few months. And so, yeah. You know? Just follow me. I love it. Follow Holmes.

Follow Holmes. I love you so much. Thanks for doing it. I love you so much. And I'm really. I do hate gun violence. Yeah. You don't have to try and convince him. And I'm really, I do hate gun violence. Yeah.

You don't have to try and convince them. Let's just end the pod, how? Get off of me. I thought this would be funnier. Shut up. I thought interviewing Holmes would be funnier,

right? Shut up.