So True with Caleb Hearon - Jay Jurden is Holding Space

Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a HeadGum Podcast. I like this couple. I like the girl who brings her guy and the guy. You get this a lot. Oh, baby. Because I get it. This is our bread and butter. And the guy goes, I was worried at first.

Starting point is 00:00:14 I didn't know. She made me cum. Hey, I was worried at first. I was worried at first. Hey, you know what they do afterwards? They go, but you know what? I think Christianity is back. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:00:34 I think it's back. I'm, I'm not going to go ahead and agree with you, but why don't you go ahead and tell me why you think that? I think it's back. I think because so many atheists are so fucking annoying now that a lot of people who are cool are looping back to me and like, hey, I actually don't wanna go to heaven with y'all.

Starting point is 00:00:50 I actually wanna spend eternity with some of these nice people who can cook. I don't know if I need to spend heaven with a bunch of people who also don't have jobs. One of my coolest friends recently in New York, she's a Brooklyn girl, she's got good fashion, she's a cool young woman, and she told me, she was like, y'all, I can't hang out Sunday morning,

Starting point is 00:01:11 I have church. That's stuff I used to say as a joke. And now I'm like, oh no, we're actually going to church. That's stuff you say at a gay bar. You'll be like, wrap it up, y'all, we got church in the morning. Church in the morning! Everyone clear out of the eagle.

Starting point is 00:01:24 Yeah, get up, get up everyone, get up, y'all, we got church in the morning. Hi. Hi. Hi. Everyone clear out of the eagle. Yeah, get up. Yeah, get up. Gotta get to service. Get up, everyone, get up, get up. No, I think it's come, I think that like fun, kind of silly Christianity is gonna come back. I don't think hardline fundamentalism is gonna come back just because everyone has had too much gay sex now.

Starting point is 00:01:39 That hasn't gone anywhere though. That's here, so. Yeah, I mean, let's. I don't know if you're looking around, but. Wait, wait, what happened? I've been asleep since October. Did something happen in November? Oh my God, yes.

Starting point is 00:01:49 Yes. A couple things. Okay. They slipped my mind, though. I don't know what it is. But it seemed, yeah, it seemed important. I don't know what. I was just saying stuff I've heard on the street.

Starting point is 00:01:56 I was like, things are going bad, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not for me. Y'all need YouTube though. My Haitian friends, they see. We laugh. Yeah, that's not funny. It's not funny.

Starting point is 00:02:03 Things are tough right now. Caleb is not a joke. I'm not kidding around. As to Caleb, I they see. They see. Uh, we laugh. No, that's not funny. It's not funny. Things are tough right now. Haleb is not a joke. I'm not kidding around. As two people who are from red states,

Starting point is 00:02:11 we know it is super important. Right. Right now. Jay, be serious. More than ever. Right, in this climate? Stop. No.

Starting point is 00:02:22 Everyone needs to stop. Stop. Everyone needs to stop. Everyone quit now. Stop what you're doing. You're from Mississippi or Alabama? I'm from Mississippi. You're from Mississippi and then went to school there. Went to school in Mississippi and Alabama.

Starting point is 00:02:31 And then Alabama. Yeah, which don't really count in school. If you went to... Right. They don't even really do books down there, right? That's not funny. That's not funny, J.C. Yeah, Missouri.

Starting point is 00:02:40 You get me into a... That ain't funny, Missouri. I know, listen, Kansas City. See, you get me to say things I don't even feel. Hey, hey, everyone watching at home, the last time we hung out, Missouri. That ain't funny, Missouri. I know, listen, Kansas City. See, you get me to say things I don't even feel. Hey, hey, everyone watching at home, last time we hung out, what did we do? What's the first thing we did when we hung out?

Starting point is 00:02:52 You flew into Kansas City to do a benefit show that I was a part of. And I- What did I text you? You said, get me to barbecue now. And that is exactly what the fuck I did. When we were at that barbecue joint, we sat next to a family with a baby.

Starting point is 00:03:07 I forgot, okay, okay, okay. I took you, I forgot about this. I took you to one of my favorite barbecue spots in Kansas City. Slaps. Slaps in Strawberry Hill, Kansas. And the lady was mean, which was good. She was not nice to us on this day.

Starting point is 00:03:20 I said hello, she said, what do you want? Yeah. Well, it's busy in there, Jay. It was busy. Stop goof, Jay. It was busy. Stop goofing off. It was busy. And you looked at me like you had seen a ghost. And then you pointed out to me that next to us.

Starting point is 00:03:32 Yes, there was a family with a small baby, a baby with no teeth. And that baby was sucking on a rib. That baby was sucking on a rib. I love my city. Formula, no. Breast milk, no. No. Pork. That baby was sucking on a rib. I love my city. Formula, no. Breast milk, no. Pork. Get that baby some hogs.

Starting point is 00:03:50 He was taking a rib down. Oh my goodness. And was killing it. And that's when I was like, oh, I feel at home. That is my city. Kansas City, I love you. Never change. Caleb also saw me eat barbecue and then go,

Starting point is 00:04:03 you thought I was playing about this. Yeah. I'm not playing. You ate barbecue like a fat person. I love barbecue. So Caleb also saw me eat barbecue and then go, you thought I was playing about this. Yeah. I'm not playing. You ate barbecue like a fat person. I love barbecue. That's the highest compliment I can give. You know, I'm from Mississippi, so spiritually,

Starting point is 00:04:14 I ain't little. You weren't supposed to be this small. No, no, no. Something occurred here that wasn't supposed to happen. Listen, my brother, he's a truck driver, so I can say he's not skinny at all. And so every now and then I'm like, oh, I gotta keep up with this motherfucker.

Starting point is 00:04:27 Sometimes he'll go back to get a plate. I go, I guess I gotta go. Hey, here we go. You can't out, I'm the older brother, you can't out eat me. Yeah. Yeah. Are you bisexual?

Starting point is 00:04:37 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you hate him. Can I say something? No, can I say something? Can I just clear the air? No, one of the best jokes on Comedy Central featuring, we can say it, the bisexual Italian joke. It's very good.

Starting point is 00:04:48 It's very good. It's an amazing joke. The leather jacket tag. It's an amazing joke. I will say this. We're coming for you. Jay, can I just say something? Because here's the thing.

Starting point is 00:04:57 By the way, I want to tell you, as someone who appreciates joke writing, I wrote that... I had had the setup in the beginning of that joke for a long time. I wrote that series of tags had the setup in the beginning of that joke for a long time. I wrote that series of tags the day of the taping. Beautiful.

Starting point is 00:05:10 And I was like, I'll just try it tonight and see what happens. Beautiful. And it's one of my favorite parts of the set, which was really fun. It's so good. That's a little behind the scenes for people who know the set.

Starting point is 00:05:17 If you like how the sausage is made. Yeah, if you like going behind the curtain with me and Jay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm positive on By People. And Jay, you're one of the best to do do it and I've yet to see you with a woman But I believe that it has happened and I believe that you want it to happen. I have to keep them hidden That's the worst thing in the world. Hey, I love all you queer. Who's this? Yeah What is she her doing? Oh time out?

Starting point is 00:05:44 Yeah, my favorite thing about your joke about bisexual people is Who is this? What is she, her doing here? Time out, time out. My favorite thing about your joke about bisexual people is how many bi people prove that they weren't fun. I know, that's the hard part. Jay, don't suck me back in! Don't suck me back in! That's the hard part. I'm laughing, I'm giggling, I'm kicking my feet.

Starting point is 00:06:03 Some of them were like, enough. Right. Yeah, if you're going to be that mad, I made aiggling, I'm kicking my feet. Some of them were like, enough. Right. If you're going to be that mad, I made a joke about your Steven Universe t-shirt. You can't. Hey, leave the trans girls out of it. Leave the trans girls and the non-binary people out of it, Jay.

Starting point is 00:06:17 Do you know what my favorite thing about trans people is? Everything. Everything. I wouldn't change a thing. So anyway. They would. But I wouldn't change a thing. So anyway... They would. But I wouldn't. Jay.

Starting point is 00:06:30 Kind of part and parcel. That wasn't appropriate. That was not appropriate, but it was funny. My favorite thing about trans people is the names. Like a trans guy will always pick like the cutest little most proper name. Yeah, yeah. They'll be like, I'm Liam. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:44 I'm Emmett. I'm... You're Prest name. They'll be like, I'm Liam. I'm Emmett. I'm Preston. They'll always, every time. Sometimes they go Neo and I go, too on the nose. But here's what I'm telling you. Then it's trans women that'll be like, I'm Goddess Amethyst of the mystical river forest. And you're like, okay.

Starting point is 00:06:59 Yeah, the trans women are never being like, I'm Rebecca. You know what I mean? They're never going, it's the disconnect between those two that makes me laugh. Trans men and trans women. And Cunt River Goddess Amethyst also somehow works for a tech company. Serve, serve, serve by the way.

Starting point is 00:07:18 She makes a lot of money online. Yes, yes. I like having a chosen name because as a comedian, I didn't do it, so now all my business is out there. You can just find old everything from me. So whenever you get to kind of reinvent yourself or choose a new name, I think that's beautiful. All of my trans fans are usually fun

Starting point is 00:07:39 because I kind of train people, if you enjoy my comedy, you better be there to laugh, not to be like, oh, Jay's morally correct. Because sometimes I'm not gonna be. I think what blurs the line for me a little bit is that I'm often not doing as hard set up and punch line as you are. I'm like rambling and doing a little more

Starting point is 00:07:56 like stories and vibes. Yeah, and preaching. And preaching. And preaching. A little bit, but I'm not waiting for, I'm not waiting for applause. I don't want people to clap it when I say something correct. I'm usually trying to get somewhere funny,

Starting point is 00:08:06 but because of that, people sometimes get a little more up in arms about my thing, because they think, like, they thought I was just up there free-balling when I had written that, you know what I mean? They don't think of it as much as a joke. Does that make sense? Yeah, well, it's because they align with you, they like you, they don't want this to be something

Starting point is 00:08:26 that's kind of formulaic and false and presented to other people. They are like, oh, Caleb's here in this moment with me. But to those people, I wanna remind you, his most famous clip online is him threatening someone with a gun. So just so you know. Just so we can clear that up.

Starting point is 00:08:40 He will kill you. And here's what I'll say about fat people. I love him. Hey, I love him. And I what I'll say about fat people I love hey, I love them and I don't hang out with fat people that talk about weight loss because that's fucking boring And I don't care. Let's get let's get it. Let's get into that. Let's start there cuz that's actually kind of crazy Let's start there a fat person who always talks about weight loss. That is dark That's those are the people who always kind of you go girl But all of the people listening to this are fat. So what are you telling them?

Starting point is 00:09:10 By the way, fat people, when I am around a fat person who talks about weight loss, they love to say this one thing, because the fat people that talk about weight loss all the time are obsessed with it for themselves, and then they wanna prescribe it to you. I'm not interested in losing weight. I like the way I look.

Starting point is 00:09:21 First of all, second of all, I have zero health issues. It's not a concern. If I went to the doctor tomorrow and they were like, hey, it needs to be 100 pounds because of this, this, or this, I look. Yeah. First of all, second of all, I have zero health issues. It's not a concern. If I went to the doctor tomorrow and they're like, hey, needs to be a hundred pounds because of this, this, or this, I might consider it. But they always like to say, I've tried everything. Hey, let me tell you something. No, you haven't.

Starting point is 00:09:33 Stop lying! Stop lying right now. Quit expeditiously tell the truth. No, you have not. Because heroin works and we haven't said that. You haven't tried that? And also not stopping at 7-Eleven and getting sweets on the way home works haven't said that you haven't tried that and also not stopping at 7-eleven and getting sweets On the way home works, and I know you haven't tried do not lie to me about what you've tried

Starting point is 00:09:51 I'm in a place of privilege. So laughing at that What privilege is that I have I have thin privilege But I also have eat a lot of food in front of people and because I'm skinny they don't say anything privilege Yeah, I'm like you who said I eat like a fat person. Yeah, I said, you're big ass. Run the tapes back. Run the, ha ha ha! Rewind.

Starting point is 00:10:10 I keep trying to look for my camera there, and it's there, and I need to remember that for the audience. Okay, Jay, Mississippi, Alabama. Yes. And then do you move straight to New York after that? I move straight to New York. I went back home for like a little bit of the summer, saved some money, and then I flew out,

Starting point is 00:10:27 I wanna say July 9th, moved to New York, moved to Park Slope, too expensive, then I moved to East Harlem. Yeah, are you still, well I guess I wouldn't say it, but are you in Manhattan still? Yeah, I'm still in Manhattan. It is, we're in Manhattan right now. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:41 I don't wanna blow your spot up. You can tell them that we're in Manhattan, cause they need to know how much I do for this podcast. Yeah, yeah, this is in Manhattan. I come I want to blow your spot. You can tell him the word Manhattan because they need to know how much I do for this podcast. Yeah, this is in Manhattan. I come to Manhattan to do this show. He commutes. Y'all join the Patreon.

Starting point is 00:10:50 It's a pilgrimage. Yes, I did. I do a hajj to the Headgum Studios in Midtown Manhattan. Like I'm a fucking banker. Jesus Christ. Can we get a studio in Brooklyn? What who? Headgum.

Starting point is 00:11:02 You just you know. Look at who does your podcasts. Look at who listens. What are we doing in studio in Brooklyn? Headgum, look at who does your podcasts. What are we doing in midtown Manhattan? Have you heard of Brooklyn? Oh my God. Jake and Amir. He said, you're so. Get on the phones, Jake and Amir.

Starting point is 00:11:19 Jake and Amir, if you can hear me. He's not wrong. Move the studios to Brooklyn, it's outrageous. I'm always surprised. I was, okay, I was surprised whenever I found out you were back in Brooklyn. Because it kind of, there's a very much a where in the world is Caleb Heron situation.

Starting point is 00:11:36 With your big hat and your red trench. People hate this, yeah. People are very sick of this. Where are you right now? People are sick of this. In this moment, I'm in midtown Manhattan. Okay, all right. And spiritually as well, I'm here with you in a big way.

Starting point is 00:11:46 That's beautiful. You came to Kansas City, what'd you think of it? I loved it. We'd love to have it. You know, my first thought, beautiful airport. By the way, and you know what is crazy about Kansas Cityians? Say it. We're ungrateful.

Starting point is 00:11:58 Cause I have friends that are complaining about our new airport because it's a little bit longer of a walk. The airport is gorgeous. I know, no bless. That airport is beautiful. And you know what they do? When you land, when you come down the escalator, they let you know, Black Mayor.

Starting point is 00:12:11 Yes. Big. Yes. I came down the escalator, I went, okay. Quentin. Okay. Quentin Lucas. I feel safe.

Starting point is 00:12:20 Black Mayor. I thought it was Patrick Mahomes. It's not. You did not think it was Patrick Mahomes. I thought it was half of Patrick Mahomes. I told a Patrick Mahomes joke at the Kansas City show and the crowd went, huh, and then they laughed. They don't know if they're allowed to do, he's deified around there.

Starting point is 00:12:32 I did say he looks like an example of why maybe we shouldn't mix racism. And Jay, I heard the joke from backstage. He's fast, but he looks goofy, okay? You know how they show, you know like when a lot of people are like, oh, every mixed person is hot, and then he was like, okay? You know how they show off, you know like when a lot of people are like, oh, every mixed person is hot. And then he was like, wait a second. He said, hold on. You know what?

Starting point is 00:12:50 He said, I'm good at football. Jay, I'm going to tell you something you might not like. Sideshow Bob is good at football. I find him attractive. Oh. Do you think that's just my fandom? I think you're a loyalist. Yeah. I think you're a loyalist. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:05 I think you're being blinded by the Kansas City of it all. No, there's something about a man who performs under pressure. You know what it is? I think that because of your Christian upbringing, you've hooked up with men whose wives are Republican before. Yeah, well, hey, that's true. You know what I said the other night? I thought you would appreciate this.

Starting point is 00:13:25 I was talking about Luigi on stage. Yes. As I'm wanting to do now. Luigi Mangione, who allegedly none of us know. Yeah, huh. Isn't that funny? I don't know that man. Need him.

Starting point is 00:13:35 Need him. Need him. In a biblical way. And people think I need him because he's got, you know, chiseled abs and a square jaw and eyes that you want to swim in until you drown. And a fun unibrow. I am attracted to him in this way and a fun unibrow.

Starting point is 00:13:48 I'm attracted to him as furiously as I am because he showed up on time and did what he said he was gonna do. How hot is that? Woo, a man who commits. A man who does what he says he's gonna do. Also, I'm gonna say something less elevated than thought. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:04 But it's kinda furry probably. Yeah, But it's kind of furry probably. Yeah, exactly correct. I don't hate that. And confirmed bisexual to hear the internet tell it. Confirmed bisexual, just from the Pokemon tweets. To hear that. To hear the internet tell it. Now I've seen his particular brand

Starting point is 00:14:17 of frat boy with that smile. Yeah. There's something in that kind of frat boy smile that I'm like, I know what's happened. That's the kind of boy who goes, listen, suck on it a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what? It's 3 a.m., I'm like, I know what's happened. That's the kind of boy who goes, listen, suck on it a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what? It's 3 a.m., I'm feeling lonely.

Starting point is 00:14:28 Hey, listen, oh no, jungle juice, I don't know who's who. I'm drunk, I'm drunk. It's 3 a.m., I'm feeling lonely. I recently got back into Matchbox 20. Yeah, wait a second. I'm back on Matchbox 20. Hey, Greta Garvey, who the fuck do you think you are talking bad about Matchbox 20 during the Barbie movie.

Starting point is 00:14:46 Did she? I didn't see it. There's an entire, I wanna say, section of the movie where Ken is kind of discovering misogyny and weaponizing it. And they sing Matchbox 20. To be misogynist? Oh, that's unfair, unless I don't know those guys very well. I know.

Starting point is 00:15:05 I love their music. This is why we're friends. When I was younger and I discovered Mashbox 20, I told my mom I wanted a Mashbox 20 CD, and she said, well, you have to know some of the songs. And I said, one of the songs, it goes like this. I wanna push you around. And I will.

Starting point is 00:15:23 And my mom said, you ain't pushing nobody. Yeah, she said push pause on asking me for anything revolving around that. You ain't pushing nobody. Yeah. You know what she did? She bought me Usher and Mariah Carey instead and made me gay.

Starting point is 00:15:38 By the way, and now you're a big homo half the time. It's. No, no, no, no. I gotta put in my hours, it's billable. 15 minute increments. Now you're a big homo half the time. No, no, no, no. I gotta put in my hours, it's billable. 15 minute increments. I wonder what it's like to know that I made the rain. These guys got in the booth and killed it. They make incredible music, Matchbox 20.

Starting point is 00:16:00 And Rob Thomas, you know Street Corner Symphony? Yes. He almost fixed everything with that one. He almost fixed everything with that one. Pfft. He almost fixed everything with that one. You know what I'm talking about? He said, my sisters and my brothers of every different color come together.

Starting point is 00:16:16 Uh... He almost fixed everything with that one. My favorite take of, like, that sort of, like, pocket of 90s fun Rock is that now a karaoke you can tear the house down come on you put on sister Hazel you put on mashbox 20 you put on sugar ray at a karaoke right now or Millennials older people younger people for older Millennials older millennials, we going to the foundation round.

Starting point is 00:16:45 We going to dance, we going to scream. I'm doing a Friends karaoke birthday show in January, and you know what song I'm thinking about doing? I'll be your crying shoulder. I'll be love suicide. Edwin McCain, you will always be famous, brother. Edwin McCain, you understand how many people in their 40s fucked to that song. Yes.

Starting point is 00:17:12 And that's my, by the way, that's my love. They fucked. Love Suicide? 90s. Two-step plan. Late 90s. Late 90s. What?

Starting point is 00:17:21 We're going down different paths. Hold on. Hold on. Let me bring it back to you. People were fucking to that in the late 90s. How, hold on, let me bring it back to you. People were fucking to that in the late 90s. When were you born? I can't tell you. Okay.

Starting point is 00:17:30 I can't tell you that. No worries, no worries. I'm a baby with gray hair. Yeah, no worries, no worries. With my gray's coming in. I was born by the river. I was born, don't get me started. My favorite, okay, so because you are from Missouri,

Starting point is 00:17:46 one of my favorite things about Missouri this year is that y'all gave us Sexy Red. And when I say- We do what we can. That woman, she really represents a girl that I went to high school with. Yes. I've said this before, Sexy Red looks like the kind of girl

Starting point is 00:18:04 who still dig with her glasses on. By the way, yes, cause she might need to read later. We know these girls. She ain't reading. Yes, she's a, come on, she's a paralegal she might need to read. She's a paralegal and she might need to read.

Starting point is 00:18:15 Sexy red as a paralegal. Your honor, oh, I ain't in court. I wanted to take those pants off. Glasses, pencil skirt, bow, bow, bow, bow, innocent. By the way, I love that you said that. Sexy Red. What was I trying to think of? You were talking about Sexy Red and Missouri.

Starting point is 00:18:36 I don't remember. A lot of great people from Missouri though. Who else? Oh God, me? Chapel Roan. Wait a second. Nelly. That other dude. Which one?

Starting point is 00:18:45 Huh? Harry Truman? Huh? Yes. Harry Truman? Yes. He was at the hotel. What?

Starting point is 00:18:53 A bus. Not him. How's it say? He's quite past. He's quite past, actually. You came into my Menifit Show. It's so good to have you there. Nellie.

Starting point is 00:19:01 We love Nellie. Thank you. I was happy. We love Nellie. St. Louis, though. Cornell, yes. St. Louis. Fine. Say it. St. Louis is fine. Kansas City is so obviously- You don't like fried ravioli? Oh, I mean-

Starting point is 00:19:09 You don't like pizza that's slightly different? Every city with their pizza, by the way. Can we stop it? Every city with their pizza. Stop it. No one cares. No one cares. Where's your Thai food?

Starting point is 00:19:21 By the way, Jay, have you noticed, do you like Thai food? I do like Thai food. Have you noticed in New York City, you've lived here for a couple years. Nine years. A little while. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:29 And have you noticed, this city, there's no good Pad Thai. Ooh. There's not a Pad Thai in New York that I can get behind. I'm a red curry chicken girl and a mango sticky rice girl. Yeah. Pad Thai to me, I'll have some with someone else's. See, maybe if there was a great one here. What's the other one, Patty Shoo?

Starting point is 00:19:50 Pad See-oo. Pad See-oo, yeah. Penang Curry is my, I'm usually a Penang Curry. I pronounce it like a Southern grandparent. What's the other one, Patty Shoo? What did they do? Who that girl? Caleb, who's your friend?

Starting point is 00:20:03 What's her name? It was, hard candy rolling around There was just an Asian woman comic I believe she was Vietnamese yes talking about how hard it is to make black audiences laugh Oh, and I can't I don't know who she is, but I'm I think this clip was viral if anyone has seen it Uh, no, I think she's Chinese Jenny's joining summers summers. It's her last name is being I think this clip was viral if anyone has seen it. No, I think she's Chinese. Is she Chinese? Joying Summers? Summers is her last name, I think.

Starting point is 00:20:27 Is it? Welcome. Black audiences aren't hard to make laugh. There's just, the initial laugh, there's a higher bar. And once you clear that, black audiences go, I trust you. Yeah. There's a moment where you really have to let them know,

Starting point is 00:20:47 you know what you look like, you know who you are, you're not gonna take any shit, but also you're there with them, you're in the space, you can talk a little shit. And when you do that, cause one time I remember I performed for like a black crowd outside for my friend Jonathan's show,

Starting point is 00:21:05 Tech Life, and like, so this is a crowd of black people who are already outside, so they mad. So. They're pissed off to start with. They sitting on grass, which we don't like. Don't put me outside again, America. So what happens, history. I know we're playing around, but thank you for saying,

Starting point is 00:21:22 I'm holding space for that. Here's what I'll say, anyone earnestly, I know we're playing around, but thank you for saying I'm holding space for that Here's what I'll say anyone Honestly, I have a I have trouble with earnestness Yeah in any like I have trouble with like I have trouble with when someone's looking into a camera especially in a press junket like Doing the Little Mermaid movie like what that means for girls with red hair and like what that might, what the implications that could have. I'm like shut up. Yeah, I mean, well, first of all,

Starting point is 00:21:49 once again, upsetting the mermaid community. Yeah. Well. Just put, make a, have a running tab. I'm gonna go down. Bisexuals. Fats. Mermaids.

Starting point is 00:21:59 Fats slash chubbies. He said fats. Yeah, you can't say that. I would say POS, people of size. Yes. Okay. You know, POS might not be the best thing to call fat people. There's another implication to that one, Jay.

Starting point is 00:22:14 Jay Jordan calls fat people POSs. Let's have that be the headline. We'll hear you pieces of shit. What? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He's on the road, I'm on the road. Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever get upset when there are certain people who like honestly dislike fat people and you go, oh wait a second, I was doing a bit, you mean it. Yeah. What damn. You're asking me have I met people that don't like fat people? Let me tell you something Jay, I meet them every day in my comments and DMs.

Starting point is 00:23:02 Do you know how mad people get at me? That you're just laughing. Oh, that I'm exist. That's bad. They hate it. Not you being happy and you go, I thought we were supposed to be jolly. Which one is it? What is it?

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Starting point is 00:25:59 slash sotru to find it near you. That's athleticbrewing.com slash sotO-T-R-U-E to grab some fun brews near you. Athletic Brewing Company, fit for all times, near beer. What do you want from me? They get mad at you for being gay too, just so you know. Yeah, but that's a little, you have to couch that now. You have to be a little cooler about that now. Even the worst among us are getting pretty scared of being homophobic openly,

Starting point is 00:26:24 because they realize a lot of us can fight. Yeah. Ooh, let's bring that up. Gay people can fight now. Because I know too many of my gay friends who will beat the shit out of my straight friends. Yeah. But honestly, I could, there's a situation where a lot of my gay friends

Starting point is 00:26:40 could be beating up my straight friends and being like, you fucking. And I'd be like, I don't know who to cheer for. Yeah. And has that happened? I mean, no. Right.

Starting point is 00:26:54 I've never, I don't promote violence. No. I'm nonviolent, unless like it's raining. Yeah, and then. Then like get the fuck out of my way. Yeah. Today I did have a couple couple moments where I was like, figure out where you're going.

Starting point is 00:27:07 Immediately. And also figure out the, Josh Sharp has an incredible. Figure out where you're going. Do you know Josh Sharp? I love Josh Sharp. Josh Sharp has an incredible band. North Carolina. There's a lot of Southern people who we like.

Starting point is 00:27:16 Yes. That's kind of where you, yeah, you and I will find a Southern person and be like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll be like, wait a second, you're charming, but also you don't take no shit? Hmm. He has a really brilliant wait a second, you're charming, but also you don't take no shit? What's that? He has a really brilliant bit in his latest hour about,

Starting point is 00:27:28 he's basically is like, people in New York, you should have to have a permit to operate an umbrella. Like these fucking people do not. I mean, they're taking people out, they're opening them in enclosed spaces, it's wild. I'm gonna remind me to, Josh is coming on the show soon, remind me to bring that bit up so he can tell it himself. But it's so funny.

Starting point is 00:27:46 The thing I've noticed about New York umbrellas, people, they'll buy a CVS umbrella and be surprised when it prolapses. Right, it's gonna prolapse. The asshole is gonna fall out of that thing. It's going inside out. Why, you bought it for $5. You getting 10 minutes with that thing, maybe.

Starting point is 00:28:01 They're always like, I can't believe this doesn't work. You bought it at CVS. Thathuh that's not an umbrella store you brought a nice umbrella in here yeah how much you spent on that thing I can't say say is it under a hundred I'm making a little money is it under a hundred under a hundred but it is it's an inverted umbrella it doesn't open the traditional way it's north of 50 in it yeah it's been more than 50 on that thing didn't you know you spent 73.99 on 99. I mean it was more than 30 That's what I will say yeah, and I've lost it so I mean times three yeah

Starting point is 00:28:33 We make a little money. Yeah, making little make a little umbrella money. You're rich I'm not rich, and you have a husband. I do have a husband Hey You as a by person are supposed to come on and give me some credibility in the space. Yeah, listen, we are proud and I was gonna say hard working people, but I can't. The reality is nobody works anymore. Let's have that conversation. Nobody.

Starting point is 00:28:56 Hey, hey, okay, Jay, hold on. I want to say something. My leftist friends who are complaining about capitalism on their Insta story from their couch at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday where they work from home and make $83,000 a year and have full benefits. It's getting a little hard to believe you. Unlimited PTO and you're mad at capitalism, you better send your boss some flowers.

Starting point is 00:29:28 What are you talking about? You realize kids used to get coal miners long, right? I'm sorry, I'm looking at myself when I say this. Do you realize I talk about Chicago when I was in my early 20s, I talk about Chicago like I went to war. I worked as an administrative assistant in high rises in Chicago Yeah, my first job when I first moved New York City. This isn't gonna help with my with the anti fat rumors

Starting point is 00:29:53 I was a personal trainer at David Barth You were the natural predator of that person. It was mostly me just talking to women whose husbands ignored them Yeah, and gave him flirting with. And one man who worked for, say it with me class, Mackenzie. Donald Trump. Okay. One of my first big clients, he worked for Donald Trump. And he, and I cannot make this up,

Starting point is 00:30:16 he asked specifically for a young queer trainer. And so then he would flirt with me a lot. He would like, he would get me gift cards to different places and at one point. Name one place. Like he got me like a $50 Chipotle gift card. Oh, okay. Which, okay.

Starting point is 00:30:34 He didn't want you that bad. But that's what I'm saying. But in 2015, $50 Chipotle. Yeah. That was like. That was stretching. That was like $3,000 or $4,000 now, yeah. That's stretching. That's stretching.

Starting point is 00:30:43 We gotta count for inflation. Yeah. The economy. Yeah. Wages now. That's stretching. We got to account for inflation, the economy, wages. And there's something else he wants to see stretch. Yeah. Yeah. One time he told me, he was like, do you really think Mr. Trump? He would always say Mr. Trump, too. He was very respectful.

Starting point is 00:31:00 He said, do you really think Mr. Trump hates gay people? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, he loves me? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, he loves me. And I was like, oh. He said, he came out to Donald Trump. He had to come out to Donald Trump's personal bodyguard. So he told that guy, he said, I'm gay, just because he wanted to get ahead of your rumors

Starting point is 00:31:17 in case there was some sort of rumor mill that was going to try to implicate the team with having another gay staffer. And so he said, he's gay. And then the bodyguard told Donald Trump and the bodyguard said, do you believe Matt's gay? And Donald Trump went, he wouldn't know. That's why whenever on the Z-Way interview

Starting point is 00:31:35 you call that man a sissy agreed. Yes. Agreed. And the problem with him really is, and people leftist can try and try to deny this, he's one of the funniest people living. And you wanna know why? It's because there is a, and this is joke theory,

Starting point is 00:31:51 there's a natural sort of, there's a natural counterpoint to all of like the prestige and the kind of like the elevated thoughts you're supposed to have as a president. And so whenever you counter that with like a low thought whenever you counter that with like kind of being classless and kind of being Trashy and kind of being like like page six fodder It's funny because there's this natural kind of like knee-jerk reaction where you go,

Starting point is 00:32:25 this thing isn't supposed to be happening here. You go, oh my gosh, I'm confused. And that confusion either elicits like rage or laughter because that's not how things are supposed to work. We break pattern recognition and he does sadly a very good job of that. Because they could be like, they could be like, oh, well, grocery prices are getting pretty high. And he'd be like, you know, who's worried about that? Chris Christie's fat ass. Like that's what he does.

Starting point is 00:32:47 And it's funny every time. He posted an AI image of him getting McDonald's delivered via drone. I know. And like, now like- It rocked. It rocked. It was so funny.

Starting point is 00:32:58 That's what sucks is cause people are gonna be like, is this who people voted for? And be like, yeah, yeah, man. People also still go see Jeff Dunham. Like it's not. My favorite moment of the campaign this time, I have a lot of favorite Trump moments. Not all, everyone knows how I feel about him politically.

Starting point is 00:33:13 But he had- Twice voted for him. Yes, four times. I was there before everyone else. I wrote him in before it was not sure. Yes. Yes. No, he had this moment on the campaign

Starting point is 00:33:23 when he was wearing the vest from the truck and he's on stage wearing it and he goes, my team, they said, sir, it would be incredible if you would wear the vest on stage. I said, I'm not doing that. Bring me my jacket. And I got my jacket and they said, sir, you look thin in the vest. And I said, I'm wearing the vest. And then he wore it on stage because his staffers told him he looked more thin in the vest.

Starting point is 00:33:49 You just, oh God, that's so fucking funny, dude. That rocks. It's, it's, you can't teach it. That's playing without the ball. These are the intangibles. You would, if you wanted to craft someone in a comedy lab, you'd be like, okay, make them an eccentric billionaire. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:09 Give them three wives. Ooh, make the last wife hate them. Yeah. Give them one cokehead son. Give them one pulled out too early son. Give them a daughter that they love and give them a Meg from Family Guy. He literally goes, Tiffany, out of the picture. Everyone else, smile. son, give them a daughter that they love and give them a Meg from Family Guy.

Starting point is 00:34:25 He literally goes, Tiffany out of the picture. Everyone else smile. Eric, don't smile. OK, yeah, take it. Yeah, like it's it's you. Is someone wrote this? It's objectively funny that this is the guy that has corralled the entire Family Values Coalition successfully when Mitt Romney couldn't do it. A Mormon. Mitt Romney couldn't get the Family Values Coalition successfully when Mitt Romney couldn't do it. A Mormon.

Starting point is 00:34:46 Mitt Romney couldn't get the Family Values crowd in this fucking philandering, thieving, conniving. A Mormon. Mitt Romney. Couldn't get him. Mitt, boring ass. It was because, we've talked about this, it's a little bit of like, people don't understand they're class conscious,

Starting point is 00:35:02 but they have these reactions that are kind of rooted in class and frustration. Because with Mitt Romney, people went, he's too rich. I don't like him. He's too, he's too, he's too opposite. But Trump goes, I hate, I hate rich people. And they go, same. He's more rich than Mitt Romney. It's insane.

Starting point is 00:35:22 I mean, it does make me feel crazy. It makes me feel insane. It makes me feel fucking insane. Trump's saying he hates rich people, is me and Caleb walking into a bar and be like, a lot of gay people here. Which we would do. Which we, I'd be like, honestly.

Starting point is 00:35:35 Get some of these. Some of them. Sometimes I'll take first dates to a lesbian bar, just so there's no wandering eyes. I'm like, I don't need you. Once again, he doesn't believe in bisexuals. Stop. Don't tell them that. You know, I know you're, you're a bi ally. I am.

Starting point is 00:35:52 You know what we call a bi allies? Baristas. Now I know. Stop it. No, no. Every bi person should be able to laugh at that or like at least halfway. I have a question for you. Yes. What do you you make of okay? So I have a lot of our own. I think I think she's queer Is that what you're gonna? I do think she's queer. I think she's cool. She's queer the way she dresses Yeah, yeah, I've seen how she dressed when she was straight. She's queer now look at the outfits They pulled out that old boyfriend. I was like, I've seen a lot of girls

Starting point is 00:36:26 that go lesbian after that boy. That is... Yeah. Once you date a guy in that Henley, it's time to switch teams. Oh, the man who shops exclusively at Buckle? Yeah, not Buckle. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:37 Not the embellished jeans. I've been in the mall. Yeah. I love a good mall. Do you ever do the Buckle challenge when you were younger? No. Do you know the Buckle challenge? Wait. Do you ever do the buckle challenge when you were younger? No. Do you know the buckle challenge?

Starting point is 00:36:46 Wait. Do you know the buckle challenge? Listen. This might be white people stuff. Okay, and you know what? And I'm scared. I approve of it. I don't wanna be involved in white people stuff,

Starting point is 00:36:55 and you know that about me, but it is my culture. Nah, Caleb, you can't fight fate. I know, I'm white people stuff. Wait, am I white people stuff? You are. Fuck! But you're also black people stuff. Thank God You're you're oh my god. I'm bi yeah

Starting point is 00:37:13 So that's not funny to joke about right cuz I'm not and so I have to just be like I'm seeing your I'm seeing The curl pattern The buckle challenge is this back to my point the buckle challenge You've really never heard of this No, the buckle challenge was big when I was in high school Is it how many is it how many tens of skull you can fit in the back? No, the buckle challenge was okay. Jay. You really don't know the buckle culture because where I'm from guys Would never put their skull can in their buckle jeans. They'd save that for their Levi's You going to buckle my good afflictions

Starting point is 00:37:43 You try it truly you try to get all the way to the back of the store and touch the back wall and get out without being talked to by a store associate. And I guess the joke is like they have really good customer service. But that was a game we would play in high school that now is probably pretty easy. Yeah, no one has good customer service when you go into a buckle now, you see tumbleweed. Wait, I was geared up to ask you a question earlier and I never even got to it. Ask it. What do you make of this idea that everyone who voted for Trump is racist, sexist, homophobic, et cetera? What do you do with that? I don't think, I think some of them are stupid.

Starting point is 00:38:18 And people get mad, this is what happens, people get mad when you call people stupid and then the news goes, no, they're low-information voters. Same, same. I think that everyone who votes for him has been fed a little bit of a lie, and then some people believe it to varying degrees.

Starting point is 00:38:38 I don't think they're all racist. I think that they all got got a little bit, and they got got because of their frustration and because of their frustration and because of their kind of feelings of alienation within the system. They also got got because America is a place where you kind of vote both with your heart

Starting point is 00:38:56 and with your wallet really fast. And people kind of go, I don't, this. So I don't think they're evil. I don't think all of them are evil. I think some people behind the scenes orchestrating stuff are actively evil, but I don't think they're evil. I don't think all of them are evil. I think some people behind the scenes orchestrating stuff are actively evil, but I don't think they're all evil. I think just some of them, they got got. Yeah, that's what I say, is my ire, my anger,

Starting point is 00:39:13 I'm actually not mad at Trump voters. I'm really not. I was the first time when I was younger and when I think I had less of an understanding of the moment we were in, I'm not mad at them anymore. I'm mad at the people that are orchestrating it. I'm not mad at them anymore. I'm mad at the people that are orchestrating it. Yeah. I'm mad at the operatives.

Starting point is 00:39:27 I'm mad at Trump himself. I'm mad at his fucking cadre of like dumbass evil losers that he's gonna put in his cabinet. Caleb is mad. He's so damn funny. Yeah. That's what kills me about it. I'm actually happy with that.

Starting point is 00:39:39 I mean, at least if we have to do the end of democracy, we should do it with a guy who cracks me up. But I'm not mad at the voters. I can get like, I'm like of, I'm of two minds. I kind of waffle between being mad at some people and feeling bad for some people and being surprised, just simply surprised at some people. And then there are some people where I go,

Starting point is 00:39:59 oh my gosh, oh, you're too stupid to vote anyway. Like every now and then I go, wait a second, if you are online and you'll see these people who will get online and they'll say, wait a second, I didn't know this. And I go, baby, we all knew that. Like, I don't know if you need to tell people you didn't know, what you need to do is go,

Starting point is 00:40:24 I'm not telling anyone. But a lot of people were very vocal about being surprised that he couldn't necessarily pull the levers on so many things. They're like, over the past month, we've seen people be like, well, but I thought he could, girl. Well, that's like, he gave that statement

Starting point is 00:40:40 like a week or two ago that was like, well, we'll see what happens with grocery prices basically. And it's like, right, he wasn't gonna be able to do that. And they went, but he said, I was like, oh. Yeah. What TV shows do you watch? Me? No, no, those people.

Starting point is 00:40:57 Oh, I was like, okay, Jay. No, with those people, I'm always like, what TV shows do you watch? And they go, I love Yellowstone. I go, ah. Okay, you think one person, what TV shows do you watch? And they go, I love Yellowstone. I go, ah, okay. You think one person can do everything, like Taylor Sheridan. That's not how this works.

Starting point is 00:41:10 Yeah. Here's what I think. I think there are dumb people on both sides. Not probably in quite equal measure, but enough that it's- I know a lot of dumb people, center left and left. So do I. That's what I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:41:24 There are dumb people on both sides. Plenty of dumb people were ill-informed and voted for Kamala. Yeah. But what I do think is there is a malicious kind of hatefulness on the right right now that is not matched on the left. Now, that's not to say there's not disdain for the other side that's matched. But the thing after the Trump election, of all these people who voted for him,

Starting point is 00:41:43 like being excited to see people cry Yeah, and like being in the comments and being like your body my choice like that shit Yeah, is disproportionately happening on the other side at the moment. I think I could win what win present when Trump voters over Oh you have I'm gonna get them you have but you have I'm gonna get them You have Trump you have fans that voted for Trump come here. No you do you're right you do I do have Republican fans. I do I don't like it I if you do I have people I literally will have people I made fun of Rfk jr's voice in a real one time and someone was like I'm really disappointed

Starting point is 00:42:21 I was like oh have you not seen any of my stuff Well, do you think that that was a person who was gonna vote for him or someone? Because I've gotten in trouble when I make fun of his voice, which is objectively funny. Yeah, it sounds like he's on a roller coaster underwater. Yeah, but I've gotten in trouble when I've said things like that for ableism. Do you think it's that angle that people are mad about,

Starting point is 00:42:37 or were they supporters of his? I don't know, guys. I don't know. It's tricky. You know, sometimes when I get a comment, I don't know. I don't know. It's tricky. You know, sometimes when I get a comment, I'm like, maybe I'll hear it out for a second. Yeah, I mean. Do you ever do that?

Starting point is 00:42:51 Do you ever get a criticism and go, generally I try to think of praise and criticism from strangers as equally and wholesale useless. Yeah, I think that criticism for a joke can be helpful because you can make another joke about that criticism or you can also take that criticism and craft a better joke. Sometimes praise is just like, okay, if you like it so much, buy a ticket.

Starting point is 00:43:17 But with criticism, I'm always like, okay, really let me see, like truly let me see if I was coming at this from an angle that could have turned off some people or that could have hurt some feelings. And I say that as a person who is very intentional with what I put out, intentional with what I write, intentional with what I say. So if someone was like,

Starting point is 00:43:36 oh, this came off a little misogynistic, I'm always gonna be like, let me see why these hoes mad. But. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But I think that hoes mad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, I think that hoes is gender neutral.

Starting point is 00:43:49 I think comedy criticism right now, I'm open to all of it. And that's primarily, and you've said this before, that's primarily because I'm such a critic. One time, this was at barbecue, Caleb heard me, I had an offhand comment about standup, and you went, we know you have opinions about it. Yeah, well you're a hater.

Starting point is 00:44:08 I'm a hater. You are a hater, and I love it. I'm just a person who goes, oh, when I like something that's good, when I see something that's funny and that's good, I go, oh, that's great. When I see something that is so bad, and just so kind of like, not even well-tried territory,

Starting point is 00:44:25 just at the point where I go, there's nothing there, baby, there's nothing left. This is bad, this is old. When I see people still living in 2015, 2014, when it comes to jokes and shit, I'm always like, what? When I see a bunch of 50-year-old men be like, I didn't know trans people were a thing. I'm like, yes you did, nigga, pull out your phone.

Starting point is 00:44:47 Of course you did, you're sleeping with them. What? And what what? And let's tell the big comedian doing trans stuff that we know that, baby. Wake it up, wake it up. We know that you're sleeping with trans women. You're putting the her in Chase-er.

Starting point is 00:44:58 Like. Ha ha ha ha ha! We know it. You know what I think is funny though? Comics who, I think a lot of times comics who, to me there's like kind of, if you really boil it down, when it comes to craft, there's like two types of comedians. There's like the vibes based fucking around,

Starting point is 00:45:17 maybe you tell some stories. I tend to fall more in that camp. And then there's really hard jokes, set up punchline, and you're definitely in that camp. You're fucking every, that's like, stand upy, stand upy, stand upy. And I have never ever minded when someone criticizes any lane that I'm in comedically as another comedian, if it's someone I respect, because,

Starting point is 00:45:39 I'm not taking it personal because, number one, I assume that they like me because they're my friend, and number two, I don't give a fuck because I know I'm good at what I do. More people need that confidence. And when you're good at what you do, a lot of times your stamp of approval is the audience laughing at the right time

Starting point is 00:45:56 when you knew they were gonna laugh to varying degrees. The stamp of approval isn't comments saying, oh, this is good or this is bad. It's in real time in the room, people who understand it. What's scary about some of these people who kind of have these, like, regressive views is that they also get that positive feedback from people who might be aligned with those evil views.

Starting point is 00:46:18 And then sometimes you just have to be like, if you get a person like Caleb in front of those people, they're gonna be like, oh, I'm also enjoying this. Let me quest, oh, wait a second. I'm also enjoying this. So maybe, maybe I don't need to be as hard on trans people, on gay people. That's like, that's the big thing for me

Starting point is 00:46:37 is if you expose some of these people to comedians who are just as good and aren't even like preachy, they're just good, they'd be like, oh, okay, you know what? I don't have to laugh at some of these very old and once again, backwards views on gender identity and expression. But that's also, here's the difference. I have made many Republicans laugh.

Starting point is 00:46:58 I have made many straight guys laugh. Yeah. I have, I will, if you put me in a room of Jim Brewer fans, they might not like me as a person, but I guarantee you give me 15 minutes, they will leave having laughed. If you put him in my audience, absolutely not. And I also have to say,

Starting point is 00:47:13 if you're performing for Jim Brewer fans, Caleb, that's a lot of 60 year olds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I'll get them. I know I'll get them. It's also a little bit of an age thing, because they come to shows, and we're doing, I mean, I think a bit of an age thing because they come to shows and we're doing, I mean like I think a lot of younger people are starting to come to more shows

Starting point is 00:47:29 but older people love coming to shows. Older people love buying tickets early. Young people kind of like, I'll figure it out. They wait until the last minute and then DM you and be like, oh my God, King. What are you gonna do about this? I'm like nothing, what you're gonna do is next time turn on notifications.

Starting point is 00:47:43 My favorite part is when the people go, I just missed you. When are you coming back? You go, next year. Yeah. I don't think... Yeah, what do you think this is? The way the contract is set up, I can't come back in that city and perform my hour for another nine months.

Starting point is 00:47:57 People don't know this. Radius. People actually don't know this. Radius cause. You can't do it. We can't. Yeah. Like we do that day and our teams say, the reason that there's gonna be demand for this

Starting point is 00:48:09 is because that person's not gonna be back here for another nine months, minimum. Yeah. So it's never us not wanting to do the show again. We just legally can't. I also can't have, I can't have like, if I wanna have a musician, like on the benefit show. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:22 If I wanna have a musician friend come and play. Yeah. And they've played Kansas City recently. Yeah. I have to go a musician friend come and play yeah, and they've played Kansas City recently Yeah, I have to go get approval from that venue that they did in their team like yeah, we can't just show up whenever we want Technically I mean but once again y'all could show up because based on some of our target demos y'all ain't doing nothing Come out come out come out you've done it before hey You did it in high school on Tumblr. Twice.

Starting point is 00:48:46 Now come out to the show. Come on, what's it gonna hurt? I do, I love gay fans. I love young fans. I like old fans. I like this couple. I like the girl who brings her guy and the guy. You get this a lot. Oh baby. Because I old fans. I like this couple. I like the girl who brings her guy,

Starting point is 00:49:07 and the guy, you get this a lot. I get it. This is our bread and butter. And the guy goes, I was worried at first. I didn't know. She made me cum. Hey, I was worried at first. I was worried at first.

Starting point is 00:49:18 Hey, you know what they do afterwards? They go, but you know what? Ah! but you know what? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Starting point is 00:49:26 Ah! Ah! Ah! Hey, if I see a girl and her boyfriend after a show, guaranteed about 15 feet out, he's gonna approach me with this. Yeah. He's gonna hold one of these.

Starting point is 00:49:36 Come here, big dog. Come here, big dog. Hey, big dog. Hey, hey. He's coming at me like this. I don't know if I'm getting slapped or if I'm getting... Also, also, the straight men that go to Caleb's shows and they come to my shows, they still try to let you know

Starting point is 00:49:49 cause they'll hit me with the, and we probably get the same suit on them. They'll be like, hey, big dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, dog. Big dog brother. Hey. Man. Pimp if I'm lucky. They go, and you'll say one of your jokes.

Starting point is 00:50:04 You'll like have a joke and it'll be funny. Everyone will laugh. Straight man, this is what straight men say that really gets me. If you get a straight man on a good gay joke, they go. Hey, yo. Yo, man, chill out, chill out. You do, they'll laugh at a dick sucking joke

Starting point is 00:50:23 and be like, wait a minute, oh no. No. I can't. The guy who drove me to the airport after the benefit show in Kansas City, I was leaving like a week or two later, he's like a mid 50s, like an older straight black guy, and he had come to the benefit show

Starting point is 00:50:39 cause he's involved in the union. Wait a second. What's that? He might've been on speaker phone with the woman who drove me to the union. Wait a second. He, what's that? He might have been on speakerphone with the woman who drove me to the airport. Really? Because he was like, y'all did y'all's thing. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:52 He told me because I did that like, it's not really quite a joke yet, but I told that story about the blow job I got. Yeah, yeah, the French. The long French blow job that I got. And he was like, he was driving me and that exact thing you're talking about, he was like, I didn't know when you started a story

Starting point is 00:51:05 about getting your dick sucked by a guy, but I gotta say, you're gonna be very successful. You're gonna be very successful, because you got me. You got me and all my friends. And I was like, Kennedy Center honors, dude. I'm on top of the world right now. There's no better feeling as a queer comedian,

Starting point is 00:51:22 and listen, we are not pandering for straight views. The majority of my fans are queer and queer adjacent. And by that, once again, I do mean barista. So I think whenever you get an older straight person to be like, that was funny, you almost want to be like, yes, a lot of this is gonna be funny. You don't have to be worried. I got you.

Starting point is 00:51:43 I'm not gonna go up there and alienate you. I want you to also have a good time. Yeah. And they get, I think there's a beauty and a kind of community in that, but it's just afterwards, it's always so funny to see them go, oh my God. Oh, what did I enjoy?

Starting point is 00:51:59 Wait a second. What does it say about me? I gotta call my gay cousin. Yeah. Yeah. I. Yeah. I was wrong. I'm breaking no contact. I'm calling my gay cousin.

Starting point is 00:52:10 You know, there's a paranoia that I don't relate to in life. Some leftist people, some right wing have it, but just a paranoia of how you're being perceived and I'm just like, enjoy what you enjoy. Give it a chance. Open yourself up, relax a little bit. Life is hard, why are people so paranoid? I think it's because being an outsider is so scary.

Starting point is 00:52:33 Losing any sort of communal insulation is one of the scariest things in the world because if your idea of yourself doesn't align with your friend group and you push it down as long as you can. The minute you go, oh, this is actually who I am, if you lose all of that support, unless you have like a long term relationship

Starting point is 00:52:53 that's romantic, you kind of are, you go through life alone. You go, oh, I can't hang out with my friends. I can't text my friends. So like that's what whenever people, whenever people come out, and this is specifically for a lot of people who end up, like, figuring out gender identity and expression and stuff.

Starting point is 00:53:08 They go, I'm not scared to, like, I'm not scared to wear different clothes, I'm not scared to use different pronouns. What they're scared of is losing friends. And, like, I think sometimes a microcosm of that is straight men not knowing that they can enjoy comedy that isn't already the straight male dominated comedy. Cause I'll see it and they'll be like,

Starting point is 00:53:29 oh, this is who I usually like. And I'll be like, you're gonna like all these other people. And these people are funny without having to take their shirt off all the time. Which, you know, it's just like one of those things. Don't, please don't get me started. I'm not a, listen, I'm nice. Please don't get me started.

Starting point is 00:53:41 I'm nice. I'm not a petty bit. You're not. You're not petty. I have a question for you, Jay. Jay Jordan, what's so true to you? What's so true to me? Okay? I've been thinking about this good for a long time. Thank you You know, it's true to me Rankin-bass Christmas stop-motion specials. Let's go

Starting point is 00:54:01 Is coming to town a year without a Santa Claus? Okay, I'm gonna hit you with this one life and it. Santa Claus is coming to town. Boom. A year without a Santa Claus. Boom. Okay, I'm gonna hit you with this one. Life and adventures of Santa Claus. People don't know about that one. Boom. People know about Rudolph, Jack Frost, Nester the Long-Eared Donkey, Little Drummer Boy. Oh my God, these change lives.

Starting point is 00:54:15 Yeah, tell them. And people are scared. Yeah. I was scared. Yeah. Cause I watched them when I was younger. Yeah. And they're kind of scary.

Starting point is 00:54:23 Yeah, especially the Heatmizer. The Heatmizer, oh my god. Scary iconic bitch. Liz, I think that we need to keep these, they need to keep going. I'm so scared that we're gonna lose them. Save them, digitize them, please. I tried to watch one yesterday,

Starting point is 00:54:41 and I found out I had to download Pluto the Pluto app. Life gets dark when you see Pluto into the conversation. You're trying to watch something in Pluto comes through. That's when shit gets bleak. Pluto. No offense to Pluto. I'm sure they'll be the biggest thing in like two years. Yeah, I'm Pluto. We're all going to be trying to sell specials to Pluto in two years.

Starting point is 00:55:00 My love to the team at Pluto. Yeah. Are you not even a planet no more? And you do it and you're doing the Rankin. You doing... No, but those things are so true to me because they exist, they make me happy about Christmas. We're recording this around Christmas. They make me happy about Christmas.

Starting point is 00:55:18 You know what else is so true to me? Say it. Bisexuality. Yes, I've been saying. Yeah, roll it back. Bisexuality, it is I've been saying. Yeah, like, roll it back. Yeah. Bisexuality, it is the natural state of things. I think that what happens is everyone,

Starting point is 00:55:32 like, Caleb as an out bisexual, I won't... You know what? Don't make me be earnest about bisexual. Because, hey, here's the thing. You want me to be completely honest? No, we aren't. Might be a honest. No, we aren't He's not got a spotless record

Starting point is 00:55:55 I do not I'm not yeah, but you're like that. You're like the chiefs. You're like 12 one. Yeah And barely surviving and barely surviving So stupid, uh, I love hanging out with you I love hanging out with you. I love hanging out with you. You're very funny. Stop. No, you're very funny. You got, you're very funny. So handsome. So well dressed. Great taste in music. Thank you. Great taste in music.

Starting point is 00:56:11 Stop. That's true, by the way. I believe you. You put me on a couple people. I'll put you on to some more, too. Yes. I'm not playing around. Well, you know what it is.

Starting point is 00:56:19 When Caleb drives you, if you go, oh, I'm not, don't turn. Yeah, you're not touching that. You're not touching that. You're not touching that. You're not touching that. You're not touching that. You're not touching that. You're not touching that you on to some more too. I'm not playing around. Well, you know what it is. When Caleb drives you, if you go, oh, I'm not, don't turn.

Starting point is 00:56:28 Yeah, you're not touching that. Yeah, hey, yeah, touching the oxcord in my car, there won't be any need for that, my friend. Put on that seatbelt. He's also extremely humble. I want y'all to know, Caleb has a car situation right now that whenever he turns on his car What's the song that comes on my old ass car a team by Ed Sheeran?

Starting point is 00:56:50 Plays every time I turn the car on he plugs his phone in and it instantly start and I have to plug it in with like a converter to the like I have an old So all those people who like Caleb change you got a bunch of money. No Not in Kansas City. Kansas City, I'm in my old ass car. It was in A-Team. It was so funny. He was like, just so you know,

Starting point is 00:57:11 every time I turn the car on, whenever you get in someone's car and they start giving disclaimers, that's a real bitch. Yeah. I had a car at one point, I was like, okay, I gotta get in first and they open the passenger door for you

Starting point is 00:57:25 Yeah, just so you it sticks a little bit. Yes, just so you know, yeah, that's I and listen I got a husband with that car. Yeah, I have sold the car, but I got a my husband Have you kept the husband though? I kept the husband. Yeah Yeah, I kept the husband. So the car kept the husband the husband also he is He's so sweet. If you wanna get married, I'm gonna get some people's relationship advice right now, if you don't mind. If you wanna get-

Starting point is 00:57:50 I was about to ask, I'm serious, I'm walked in right now. If you wanna find a man, here's what you need, and this is actually good advice for you, you need a Southern gay. Right. A Southern gay. Y'all looking for gays in Los Angeles? Heaven forbid.

Starting point is 00:58:05 Right. They've been gay too long. People who grew up in war zones haven't gone through what I went through dating in LA. I'll tell you that. I'll tell you that. I don't care how many days you've gone without a meal. You haven't been through what I've been through dating gay men in LA. Can we set up a GoFundMe for Caleb's LA dating budget?

Starting point is 00:58:25 No, set up a DickFundMe. I need a man, I've got money. Don't send me money, send me a man. God, if you can hear me, I've got money. Send me a man, please, God. That's a progressive church, I'll just call. Brother Caleb is single. His bills are paid. Brother Caleb is sick. His bills are paid.

Starting point is 00:58:45 Brother Caleb is single. We've been praying, the church elders have been praying. They said, we need you to find one of them. Send him a man. Send him a man. Send him a man, please. He doesn't have to be smart. Do you know what I did the other night?

Starting point is 00:59:00 I had this guy over. We had great time. I played him some music as I wanted to do. We smoked some weed. We had some sex, a little bit of fun. I sent him home with a book. Woo! There's something changing in me.

Starting point is 00:59:12 Sent him home with a book. I'm becoming a stately older gay. He was younger than me. I said, have you read this book? He said, no. I said, take it with you. Hey, before you come back, and before you come back, there will be a quiz.

Starting point is 00:59:24 Kind of. Next time I see you come back, there will be a quiz. Kind of. I'm a little like, next time I see you, I want at least three chapters down. I wanna see where you're at. That's kinda what's going on with me. Was he so young, you were just like, also, let me just see if you can read. He was at the, no, he can read.

Starting point is 00:59:38 He was at the bottom of my age range though, I will say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will say that. Yeah, or what's the top of your age range? Cause once again, as a person who studies. 38. Well, because you have the joke where you go, I want to set you up with my friends.

Starting point is 00:59:51 Oh, people got mad about that one. People got mad about that one. Yeah, you said. Yeah. Let me tell you something, by the way. Every time I talk about having standards for myself and dating, people are in the comments going, beggars can't be choosers.

Starting point is 01:00:03 Honey, I have never begged for anything in my life except for seconds at dinner you better talk to someone else I have begged for y'all to stop you say actually I've begged hey a former orderly line beggars and choosers I will fuck your dad what are you two beggars and choosers he has fucked your dad the person who typed that he has made your dad sucky just so you know Beggars can't be choosers. I can't believe it. Beggars? Beggars? Beggars? I'm really like y'all think so little of fat people. It's crazy. Oh, don't they understand this this is gonna sound ass Good asses are mostly fat that I do I come on

Starting point is 01:00:41 We have to a nice fat ass a nice pair of tits. Listen, they're, yo... It's all fat, y'all love fat. And the people who be saying that, look at your grandma. By the way, cause she's big. She's, and it's not big bone either. She's big around the arms and the stomach. Look at your, look at your grandma.

Starting point is 01:01:02 And guess what, guess what, guess what? She was rocking your granddaddy's world. Don't talk to me about beggars and cheaters when your grandma uses the persons of size policy on Southwest Airlines. That extra seat is awfully loud in this conversation. Ah! When she's got old lady who makes good macaroni

Starting point is 01:01:21 and cheese arms, where the top hangs over the bottom, stop it. Stop it now. Your grand, your grand, you got a big grandma. She got a brassiere. Yeah, not a bra. A brassiere. Full size. Yeah, when your aunt is well known at Lane Bryant

Starting point is 01:01:37 and you're talking to me about beggars and choosers. Cut it out. Cut it out. Stop now. You got a big auntie, you got a big uncle, you got big cousins, and you saying- And a small bank account. And you're talking to me. That is what cracks me up.

Starting point is 01:01:59 They're worried about the numbers I see when I get on the scale. No savings, no income, income no bitches probably very few friends We're looking at the wrong numbers You need to grow your social circle your number of bitches currently bitches, I need to get a moment. 16 bitches. Woo! That's what, cause the thing is, people are gonna call people fat no matter what. You remember, there was a point in time where people called Megan Thee Stallion fat.

Starting point is 01:02:38 Which is crazy. They were calling Megan Thee Stallion fat. Which is crazy. Do you understand Megan Thee Stallion's proportions? My granddaddy's already dead. If he saw a picture of Megan Thee Stallion from Instagram, it would kill him again. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:52 He would have spontaneously combusted. He would go, I got granddaddy, you all right? That's because a lot of these people are unsouthern. They don't know. Well, because in the South, in the South, like there's a culture of abundance. There's a food culture. And there's also like in the South, because it's so polite, if you get skinny fast,

Starting point is 01:03:16 they don't go, oh my gosh, you got so skinny. They go, you sick. Yeah, something's wrong. You sick. Hey, that's not good. You got that shit. Hold on, that shit. You own that shit.

Starting point is 01:03:23 You either own that shit or you got that shit He's back on that shit by the way, he's back on that shit. Hey, how'd you copper? He's back on that shit I'm not even trying I can't get started in that right now. I can't get started in stealing Yeah, you can walk that catalytic converter up quickly because your cousin's coming to town and he's back on that shit He knows where you live he knows what you drive and he's using again how does it you are in Kansas yeah yeah I'm from I'm from rural Missouri you're from that's Missouri yeah if that if someone died in that house you better get the appliances out of there quickly because the neighbor's grandson uses and he knows that the place is empty.

Starting point is 01:04:05 I don't know what to tell you. Jeremy, get the fuck out of here. That's but that's not funny, is it? That's not funny. That's not funny. That's not funny. Addiction is real. I'm not trying to beat the fat allegations. That's all out in the open. I'm obvious. I'm trying to beat the Virgin.

Starting point is 01:04:22 What if you were? What if you like, yeah, keep calling me fat. Hey, trying to beat the virgin. What if you were, what if you like, y'all keep calling me fat? Yeah, hey, hold on. There is a level, okay, no, but there is a level of where there are some people I know where people go, you keep calling me fat, come to Mississippi. Let me actually show you. Oh my God, I know.

Starting point is 01:04:36 Well, you know what happened to me once. I was with a fat friend, big individual. Okay. Okay. Now, I said something about like, I was like, oh, you know, both of us fat asses. Yeah tears Tears they didn't know that they were They didn't know that we were siblings in that way. They were they were like I just I'm sorry I just like the fact that you called me like a fat ass like I just was not I was like

Starting point is 01:05:01 Well, I thought you knew you went girl. You got somewhere here. Yeah, I thought you knew you're big as hell No, that was you to that your friend. I was like, well, I thought you knew. You went, girl, you got somewhere here. Yeah, I thought you knew. You're big as hell. No, that was you to your friend. I was like, girl, you didn't know? I couldn't believe it. I'm shocked to this day. Tears? Yeah, you gave me your blizzard to cry.

Starting point is 01:05:17 You've never walked past a window that was shiny and or a mirror? I was like, you're big. I didn't mean it as a bad thing. I'm also obviously right there with you. Well, I think that sometimes, at least currently, there's a softening of some language where if you say something that kind of directs the people.

Starting point is 01:05:42 To me, that's also part of the symptom. If someone says, oh, Caleb, do you wanna do this thing? I don't wanna do that. So I'm not gonna do that. They go, can I talk to you first? That is how I act, by the way. You said you didn't wanna go to that thing pretty quick.

Starting point is 01:05:56 You didn't even check to see if you were busy. Yeah. And I. It didn't matter if I was busy, I don't wanna go. Oh, okay. Yeah. I guess, yeah, I guess maybe it's a sensitivity to the directness of it all.

Starting point is 01:06:06 I mean, but direct is funny. Direct is also easy to like, so many people are like, sometimes I'm conflict-avoidant if you can believe it. Really? Yeah, yeah. I actually find that really surprising. Well, this is what I say, because I'm so like, oh my gosh, I'm always like, well, let me check.

Starting point is 01:06:27 Never check. Really? Well, because, as you know, as a comedian, people ask you to do a lot of stuff. Right. You gonna get a let me check from me. Yeah. I'm not gonna check a lot of those times.

Starting point is 01:06:38 Yeah. I'm gonna wait for it to lapse. I've started telling the truth, which is, especially with shows, someone says, can you do my show on November 12th or whatever and I say hey I'm not sure I'm gonna want to do that Can you check back with me a little bit closer to because I don't want to lie to you cuz I like you Oh, the truth is I might not want to do a show that night and I started getting in trouble for canceling

Starting point is 01:06:58 Yeah, people hate when I cancel Me is I'm gonna do what I want to do Yeah, so let's just maybe exist in that space together, and then no one's feelings have to get hurt. But some people do not like that. Some people would rather I lie, and I'm like, why would I lie to you? I like you.

Starting point is 01:07:12 I have seen certain people cancel too much. This is when people get mad. Oh, I'm one of them. No, it's not you. No, yes, I'm Jay. I promise you I'm one of them. I know it's not you, because I'm talking about people canceling their shows.

Starting point is 01:07:26 I'm not talking about you canceling a spot. I'll upset someone else's fans, not mine. That's your fans' problem. My fans will eat. I know two instances where like, when you start to cancel shows a lot, people, they start commenting. They start saying, oh, is this one actually gonna happen?

Starting point is 01:07:44 Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what, about two years ago when things really started changing for me and like ticket sales Yeah, people have started and now pretty much every show I do I know at least four or five people are flying in From other places because I've met them and now I'm like I won't cancel a show unless something is really wrong Yeah, like cuz now I'm like that's fucked up people are getting flights and hotels Yeah, that's a different thing and I wouldn't really do's fucked up. People are getting flights and hotels. Yeah. That's a different thing. Yeah. And I wouldn't really do it beforehand because I do respect my fans so much and the relationship of like you spending your hard-earned money to see me talk is that psycho to me. I- Caleb. But man. Caleb, are you fucking these people who get hotels?

Starting point is 01:08:16 I have- are you asking why I fuck a fan? Yeah. Absolutely. Okay, good, good, good. I've been very clear about that. Okay, good, good, good. Let me be clear. I fucked a couple fans this week. I'm not kidding. I- a guy clear about that. Let me be clear. I fucked a couple fans this week. I'm not kidding I got mesh me the other day. I'm gonna miss me the other day at 2 p.m. And said I'm a fan Do you want a job? I said come on over? I brought him to my house. I'll fuck a fan. You said wait a second How big of a fan if you're cute though, because here's the thing I've said this and now I've got some all love but I've got some ugly fans. Haha. I'm not fucking you because you're a fan

Starting point is 01:08:45 That's not what gets me out. I still need I want to be attracted to you. But yeah, I've got some Don't hit me up if you look like Quasimodo I'm kidding. Of course, there's sometimes that that's appropriate. Yeah. Yeah, I'm into all types, but I'll fuck a fan easy. No problem Yeah, no problem would love to that. That's that's a privilege as a male Comedian to joke about cuz some some female comedians they have to be like, oh I would never and I want to be like Yes, you you should yes I we get to like we get the especially also we have the we have the balance of like being queer

Starting point is 01:09:24 Cuz like if a straight male comedians like all fuck fans, I'll be like cancel him We get the, also we have the balance of being queer. Cause if a straight male comedian is like, oh I'll fuck fans, I'll be like, cancel him. But us, we get to be like, show it to him, let me see. Also, privilege is such, sometimes people, I know you're not doing this, but it's funny, sometimes people launch, they levy privilege at you as if you should stop doing it.

Starting point is 01:09:39 I'm like, well no, there's also the other meaning of privilege, which is like, it is my privilege. I do enjoy getting to do this, yeah. Honestly, it's a privilege for you too. Yeah, I posted recently about going on late night. You understand how much a meet and greet would cost? Right, and I don't do those. So there's-

Starting point is 01:09:53 You're trying to do, you're spelling meat different. Yeah, I'm doing a meet and greet of some sort. Yeah. I posted recently about a late night walk and how good it is for my brain and my creativity. And someone was like- Oh man, you old. Damn, you're getting old.

Starting point is 01:10:04 I know, I know. You giving books away? I'm giving books away. You going for strolls? I give a book to a young man that I hooked up with. And then you went for a stroll. And then I went for a stroll, cleared my head. A nighttime walk.

Starting point is 01:10:12 Crazy, a night walk. And some woman commented and was like, this is so privileged and I'm like, yeah. Yes it is, it is a privilege and also I'm enjoying it and I'm gonna talk about it. I don't know what to tell you. You've got privileges, I've got privileges. No, she wanted you to be scared that you.

Starting point is 01:10:26 God, that's crazy. Yeah. What a privilege you take. Yeah, what a privilege take and it is. She's not wrong. Yeah, I mean. But what does that mean? What am I gonna do with that?

Starting point is 01:10:36 When that starts to happen, what I like to do is I like to imagine more scenarios. Like earlier in this conversation, I said, you know, I'm kicking my feet and someone's like feet? Plural? How privileged. How privileged. And it is. And that's okay. It's a privilege. My treat. My pleasure. Yeah. I have both my feet. I'm lucky. What a good time to be alive. Yeah. If you're me and a guy who likes having feet. And I do. Okay, do you have the true or false questions for me? I know this. Trivia. So true. So true. You know who I saw the the Chris, which one?

Starting point is 01:11:07 Who was it? Chris Fleming. Yeah, that evil individual. Okay, don't look up there, because the answer's up there. You gotta stay focused on me. J-Jerk. Yes.

Starting point is 01:11:16 I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false. Yes. Okay? You know what happens. Yeah. If you get 10 or more correct, I'm gonna give you 50 US dollars

Starting point is 01:11:27 $50 You almost fucked that guy you were training for that in Chipotle gift card so who knows what I might get all right Eli Manning attended the University of Tennessee false false Payton went to University of Tennessee Mario Kart was originally a stage play before becoming a video game. No, but... False. False.

Starting point is 01:11:47 There are zero remaining Kmart locations. False. False. There are five. Lake Superior has a larger landmass than the entire country of Scotland. This seems anti-shrek. False. True. You can hear a blue whale's heartbeat from over two miles away.

Starting point is 01:12:02 But you're underwater. Why are you being nosy? True. True. Dragonflies walk more than they fly False false they can't walk the king of hearts is the only king card with a mustache Whoa, whoa, whoa privilege privilege the king of hearts is the only king card without a mustache. Oh, it has a beard So false true in South Korea a baby is considered one year old at birth I don't do racial stuff. Yes, you do. Okay In South Korea, a baby is considered one year old at birth. I don't do racial stuff, Caleb. Yes, you do. Okay.

Starting point is 01:12:27 Too much, by the way. We're gonna talk off- True. True. Ride the boat is the official state song of Mississippi. False. False. It's Go Mississippi.

Starting point is 01:12:36 A duck can't walk without bobbing its head. True. That's true. Titanium can scratch a diamond. Ooh. False. False. Only another diamond can. Glengarry Glen Ross. That's true. Titanium can scratch a diamond. Ooh, false. False, only another diamond can. Glengarry Glen Ross. That's why we get along. That's why we get along, two diamonds scratching each other.

Starting point is 01:12:52 Glengarry Glen Ross was written by Harold Pinter. Oh my God, Harold Pinter, it was written by David Mamet. Pinter, false, it was David Mamet. Walruses can go without sleep for 84 hours. Andy Reed stuff? Okay, um. No, you cannot help yourself. You're so incorrigible.

Starting point is 01:13:07 False. That is true. The thumb has the fastest growing nail. The thumb has the fastest growing nail? This is true. False, it's the middle finger. The first phone booth was created in 1881. Oh, true.

Starting point is 01:13:21 You sure? False. It was true. He hates bisexual people. Hey, don't count that one. How do you do? Let's go! Yay!

Starting point is 01:13:31 Give me my money. Give me my money. Eli Manny, let me tell you something about Eli Manny. Say it now. Two Super Bowls. Right. He should have won zero. They're both flukes.

Starting point is 01:13:43 Right. He beat the Patriots twice, which to me proves that if you're a dumb Southerner, every now and then you can whip a Yankee. Yeah. Every now and then. People don't like it when I say Yankee because it makes them think that I was for the South

Starting point is 01:13:57 in the Civil War and I want to remind those people I wasn't alive. Also black people, we kind of did have a vested interest in one side winning. Which side? No, but I like the fact that Eli beat the fucking Pats twice. Yeah, he went to Ole Miss. It was before I was there. I'm not that old. Yeah, we can talk about college football. We don't have to. Oh, we will. At another time though. Our time is up, Jay. We've kept you for long enough. Thank you so much. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being here. Thanks for doing it. We could. At another time though. Our time is up, Jay. We've kept you for long enough. Thank you so much. Oh my gosh.

Starting point is 01:14:25 Thank you for being here. Thank you for being here. Thanks for doing it. We begged. We begged him back to get you. We said, Jay, please come in. Yes, yes, yes. Is there anything you want to tell the people?

Starting point is 01:14:32 You know what I said? I said, Caleb, I will only do this show if you recant your hateful, biphobic rhetoric. And I have. I'm done with it. It's in the past. No more joking about that, because it's not funny.

Starting point is 01:14:43 Y'all haven't seen this. In between takes, he was eating some pussy. Jay, that stuff is private. Come on. Just like that baby with that rib. That sounds like an old southern saying. When he gets around good pussy, he's like a baby with a rib. Just non.

Starting point is 01:15:01 You go, he don't know what to do with it. Non. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No skill, all passion. He's non. If you can eat ribs, you can eat pussy. Yes, I've been saying. Tell people where they can find you right now. Do it now.

Starting point is 01:15:16 You can find me at Jay Jordan, all one word on all social media. I'm even on blue sky, even though y'all are fucking nerds. Yeah, God, Blue Sky. God, Blue Sky makes me so sad. Yeah, you know what it is. You need some tension to make stuff fun. Cause on Blue Sky, no one's like posting something and everyone's attacking them.

Starting point is 01:15:39 On Twitter every now and then someone's like, look at this Thanksgiving plate. And it's a thousand people going, it looks like dog shit. On blue sky, everyone's like, you tried. I don't post my plates. That's one thing about me. I don't post my plates. Cause you're not, you're begging.

Starting point is 01:15:54 Someone's going to be mean to you. You're begging for it. It's people don't know. It better be elite. Yeah. And they can. And mine are. But I'm not posting them. But you can't, unless like it, you're right, you're right.

Starting point is 01:16:08 And- Do you know how many times I see a friend post a dinner they made for themselves in their Instagram stories with clear pride and it looks so bad. And I'm like, you, I can't believe you posted. I can barely believe you ate it. But to post it?

Starting point is 01:16:22 Oh goodness. You know what, I can believe it. Cause I'll see they may and I'll be like, oh okay, that's what you like. Right, I see what you're getting. You posted both of these. Yeah, yeah! Jay, I love you, thank you for being here.

Starting point is 01:16:31 So true, I love you. That was a hate gum podcast.

So True with Caleb Hearon - Jay Jurden is Holding Space

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