So True with Caleb Hearon - Kay Poyer is a Good Customer

Episode Date: June 18, 2026

Welcome! This week’s guest is the hilarious Kay Poyer! Kay and Caleb talk a harrowing trip they went on together to get BBQ in Texas, day jobs, Caleb’s Hinge, horror movies, and much more! Join our Substack for ad free full episodes, early access to merch, our community chat, and more! https://calebsaysthings.substack.com/ Follow Kay! @ladymisskay_ Follow the show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Shop now at https://Fabletics.com/sotrue to get seventy to eighty percent off everything when you sign up as a new VIP Go to https://www.squarespace.com/SOTRUE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code SOTRUE. To get involved, text UPDATE to 22422 or visit https://ImForPP.org Find exactly what you’re booking for at Booking.com. Book today on the site or in the app. So True with Caleb Hearon is edited and engineered by Nicole Lyons. Our social media manager is Virginia Muller. All episodes are filmed in The So Trudio at Legitimate Business World Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. A Wave series. https://wavesportsandentertainment.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Wave What is that? That is a bicycle. Okay. Hold on. You hate having to work. I do. Yeah.

I really, really do. Well, I hate having to work, I hate having to work for a net 30. Yeah. Because to me, that's not real.

Like, if we could do a world where it was still fully, like, the cash was in my hand and it was illegal and I wasn't paying any taxes on it, I would literally work 24-7.

I would never sleep. Yeah. If I was not paying taxes, if I was getting paid, under the table. Well, hello. One of the... First of all.

So, don't worry about me all the time. Yeah. You just moved here. I did. I did. Yeah. And everyone is figuring that out. And now I'm really busy. And I haven't actually been busy in like four years. So it's fun.

The social calendar is a little fuller in New York City than Dallas. Yeah. Well, my job back in Texas was like post one video a day. Go to Chicken Express. That was it. That was the whole job. Yeah. Yeah, it was great.

Yeah. But no, now I actually feel like I'm like doing something, which is also, it's fine. It's great in a different way. It's okay. It's good. It's good. No, it's great. It's lovely.

I'm having a very good time. Yeah, I really am. It's been very fun. I'm very happy to be here. Yeah, I'm excited to have you here. It's a good time. It's nice to be in New York now, especially when it's about to get warm. Ooh.

I don't believe y'all about that anymore. I kind of feel like this is just what it's going to be. I left 80 degree weather, and this is bullshit. Oh, no, you're going to get it, and you're going to be, it's going to be tough. You're going to be walking up those train steps and those cute little shoes, and it's going to be 100 degrees, and you're going to be pissed. It's going to smell like balls in there. It's going to smell like worse than balls.

It's going to smell like, it's going to smell like piss. Okay, sure, sure. I do have this very distinct memory of the last time that I visited. I did take a bus into Port Authority for some reason, and there was like a two-inch section of the stairs. It was like a ghost wall that I walked through that was just like straight ball smell. And I don't know. It was like I don't even know how you accomplish something. Like it was isolated in an open space.

It was kind of cool. Yeah. There are people in New York that I'll pass on the street that will be wearing like five layers of denim and they somehow still smell like dick and ass through all the layers. So imagine what happens when it comes off. How is it transmitting to me over here through all of that? I can't imagine the direct source. Yeah.

That's probably the reason for. whatever's going on on that boat. You know what I mean? What is going on on that boat? I don't know. I don't work for the news. I don't know what's going on there. And I frankly, until it comes to the mainland,

I'm not caring much. I thought, is that what they're doing? They're bringing it to the mainland. No, I think that's the issue is they started on the boat. And then they're like, you guys got to stay on the boat due to it can't come to mainland. And then people on the boat are being like, this isn't fair. And I'm like, I got to be real with y'all.

So actually, I think this has been. You're staying on the boat. This is actually the most fair thing we can possibly do. I don't know what to tell y'all. You're staying on that boat. Mitch, give them some steak and lobster. The military treatment. Feed them well.

Yeah. Cheeseburger the day you put your dog down. Put them on that boat. Bring them some Sonic. Bring them some Sonic. Air drop them whatever they want. Chili's triple dippers for everybody. I would pay, I would actually pay my taxes this year if it was going to getting them

a nice dinner. Yeah. So they'll stay on that boat. I would donate. If y'all stay on that boat, I will donate to have anything dropped into you. iPads, magazines, whatever you. Sure, porn, whatever. I don't care.

I don't care. I do not care. Yeah. You know what's fucked up? It's when you travel in the U.S. now. I mean, you know this because you just got here from Texas. There are just so many states where you go to open up porn and it's like, hey, sorry, no more porn. You know there was a night when I got here about two weeks in where I actually realized that.

Because I got so used to like, there's no porn. Yeah. There's no porn in Texas. And I don't even like really care for porn that much. Me neither, but sometimes you want to know about it. I did. I went online and I was like. What have I missed?

What have I missed in porn? Catching up on porn? And I have to tell you, it was between porn and euphoria, and it was, I chose the porn. Yeah. Like, very easily, a lot better. Now, what is going on? I've never seen euphoria. You don't need to.

But those kids seem stressed out. Yeah, and it's essentially just become porn. Yeah. It is a new kind of porn, a worse kind of. You know that channel on cable where you. You get to see everything but the genitals, but they are doing like full 20-minute sex scenes. Yeah. It's that.

Okay, nice. Yeah. And are they doing drugs or selling drugs? Yes. Yes. Thank you. All of it. Yeah.

They're actually doing things with drugs that you've never seen before. Really? Yes. Wow. Fiercely. That is when I think of people much younger than me, that is what I imagine is going on. I've heard some shit. Yeah.

What kind of shit are you here? I will say there are some things y'all are doing here. that I shit that hasn't even hit Texas and I'm kind of like I think I think that's a part of Texas I'm gonna keep in me I have my three things that I'm cool with

I'm not touching any of this other shit that I'll do here it gets spooky I'm not not only am I not there or in doing those things I'm not invited to those places just so you and you know that so actually

and I'm gonna argue with you here I actually did which whatever you came to Texas Yes. You were right around the corner from me throwing a very nasty little dance party. Yes. You did not come.

That is because of my feelings on the transgender community. Which are negative. Okay, okay, okay. No, I was tired. I was tired. Right. You were tired. I was tired too.

I broke my toe that night. What's your excuse? Broke my toe on stage, put the shoe back on. Yes, you did. Yes, I did. Yes, you did because you were a fucking professional. But you were tired. I was tired and look here's the deal

when I say I'm not invited to these places what I mean is I'm not invited because of how I am. Like for example you took a risk you invited the square guy guy to the cool trans person dance party sure and what did he say I'm tired I'm staying at the hotel that's why I don't get invited places okay so this was kind of just like a lesson I had

to learn about you you took a chance on me and you'll start to understand especially in New York when you don't see me at a lot of cool things you'll understand that it's because I don't fit in there I have nothing to bring to that space I'm wearing a shirt from the Right now. I feel like you're doing a thing right now

where you're like being humble but you just don't want to be there And I think that's fine. It's both. I think we can just own that. I would go out with you. Yeah. I would go out with you in New York.

We'll see. If you invite me out in New York on just the right night, oh boy, Kay, we would just have the time of our lives. Okay, I think we're gonna, I think we're gonna have to crash basement. Basements?

No. Thank you. No, I'm not going back there. Thank you. No, I'll go back in like four years when I'm ready again. You know what I mean? It was a lot.

What happened? I don't know. It's just like literally a dungeon. I just, I've never, there's a level of hedonism that happens here that I think is magical. But it is, it's, I like, sometimes I walk around and I'm like, maybe I am conservative. What I love, I was going to say what I love about you is, I never know if you're going to say, like, the most leftist thing I've ever heard or something that's straight up my aunt in Missouri would say. Yeah, no, fully. I, like, kind of, I'm starting to, like, I did think about Sodom and Gomorrah the other day.

You know what I mean? Just, and like, and I love, so again, you have your feelings about the trans community. That's fine. I am becoming really homophobic. Really? Really quickly. Gay guys in specific or lesbians are in trouble too?

Lesbians? I think lesbians deserve a lot more. I know. I know. I want the one lesbian club that I've seen. Well, okay. I didn't know they had clubs. I thought they had dive bars and.

They have a location. They have a location. They have a location. It's basically like a studio. that has like a bar in it but it has a cooler but I don't know I feel like

I feel like the straight people they want to be the lesbians and it's very confusing to me they're like playing pool and they're like pretending they live in Texas which that's tripping me the fuck out too isn't it? Yeah. Doesn't it fuck you up?

And they're not they're doing it not it's fine they're doing it fine I don't know it's it's They're wearing, like, shitty, like, I'm a high school girl who, like, loves horses. Like, that's the boots they're wearing. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yes.

Like, none of them have the cunty, like, the boot. Like, you know, those bitch conservative women. Yeah. They're wearing justins. Yeah. And they're not wearing justins in Brooklyn. It's fine. It's whatever they want to do.

But I'm starting to hate gay men and I'm starting to hate straight people at a level that I've never, I didn't know was possible. Now, tell me what's going on with your evolution with gay men, because you'll probably find an out. in me, I just want to make sure that we're aligned. Sure. I don't, I think, you know, and this, we're going to get to this

later, because I literally have been stewing on it. I think it's just like when you give a mouse a cookie, do you know what I mean? And then like, but there's no limits anymore. It's just kind of like you can do whatever you want. And I think people

become evil when that happens. Shame was good for gay guys. And we got rid of shame. Don't, Don't challenge me on this, K, I'm begging you. What? You don't think shame was good for gay guys? You don't think it was a little hotter and better and more well-behaved when there was some shame?

Hotter, yes. Hotter, I will say I was at a party. This was a new friend, by the way. This was a very new friend. I was out of a rave. I think I met this guy like three times. And it was going for a very long time. And he disappeared for like an hour

and came back and found me and the other guy. And we were like, where were you? He was like, I was ass in the dark room for an hour. Asked for an hour? I'm like, I don't even. even it feels like it's just like something to do now. Do you know what I mean? Like you could play Tomodachi Life or you could ask for an hour.

Yeah. I feel like I would... I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I'm conservative. Ask for an hour shouldn't even be a liberal conservative thing. It's like logistically like either we're... Get it done.

You know, maybe to some people it's the point. Maybe I'm wrong. Well, to some people it is the point. To some people, I've been getting a lot of like people and inflation suits on my Instagram real. So, I mean, there's weirder things out there. Inflation suits? Have you not seen this?

No. It's like they wear a suit and it inflates and then there's also like a pool floaty and then they like bounce on the pool floaty and it's like a thing. It's supposed to be sexy? For them, for a certain audience. You know, like cake sitting or something. It's just like weird shit. Oh, yeah.

So I guess compared to that, sure, eat ass for an hour. I guess. I just feel eating ass for an hour at the club feels so crazy to me. At the club. is kind of, because I'm very much, like, I feel like I get very Mormon about sex, or I'm like, you're gonna shower, I'm gonna shower. Right.

You know what I mean? Yeah. So at the club is just kind of a lot for me. It's a lot. But I do, this is the other thing, because I'm a hypocrite, and I love being a hypocrite. I don't want it to not be happening

because I do want to, like, walk by the room and just know that that's going on. Yeah. I don't know. It brings some kind of peace to me. I think I would have really enjoyed Sodom and Gamora back in that time. I think you would have had a blast that,

I think I would have judged them and I would have been really mean about it and I would have been homophobic back then too but I would want to be there for it totally well we want to be part of the story yeah I want it both ways yeah I want to be both whore and Madonna I want to be both virgin and slut yeah I want to be judging at the sex party

that I came to to have sex at because well right any questions and that's I think what it really gets down to is I'm only getting pissed because there's nobody here that I want to have sex with and now I'm like okay you all need to stop Yeah. If I'm not... Yeah. If I'm not fucking, nobody's fucking.

So this is about me. Yeah. Is the big thing is that it's about me. Most things are. And that is how I feel. Yeah. And I think that's how I found myself in this position of working. Yeah. Really bad for me, though. How's that? Working.

Working is bad for you. Back to that. Yeah. I thought you were going to tell me there's some particular way that working is bad for you, but it's just in the way of not wanting to do it. What I will say it's good about this, though, is not... I do think that I give it. my last boss, cancer. How so?

Just being a bad employee. Yeah. Yeah. And he loves me. Like, I love him very much. Yeah. But he started getting a lot of stuff removed from his scalp, like, very shortly after he hired me. And I loved being late and being mean to his customers and fighting with his customers.

So, I don't know. And that's kind of just like... You kind of stress-induced cancer for him? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. I do think maybe that that is, like, something that should be... If this all doesn't work out, it should be on my resume.

that like if you're above the age of 60, you probably shouldn't hire me because it's been a pattern. They're going to start putting warnings on you like cigarette boxes. Yeah, and I think that's fair and that's valid. Yeah, I think that's completely fair. I, um, we were just talking about this.

I think, I actually can't remember the last time I didn't get fired. I probably would have gotten fired from this last one. I'm trying to think of a moment recently where I wasn't being fired. Like, constantly being fired or quitting. And I think,

I think he would have, if, well, and again, you know, a valid reason to be transphobic, I think he would have fired me if I wasn't trans, but he, like, loved dolls. No. Yeah, he was like, I love that. Well, I think he thought that we, like, walked outside and got shot every day. Yeah. And that's just, like, not what was happening at all. Like, honestly, Texas was, like, very fun for me.

Yeah. But I did milk it. I was like, it's so hard and scary. Like, please keep giving me $11 an hour. You have to understand why I'm late to work. due to my oppression. It's due to the being shot. Yeah. It's due to all my gunshot wounds, yeah. Yeah. You know, just

like a mesh. God. And he's a cis guy? Yeah. Old gay man. Oh, I. Yeah. Oh, I love him. Yeah. Like, I remember one of the craziest things. And I feel like I've talked about this before, maybe in a video. He just stood there one day and he looked at me and he, because he was like a drag queen when he was like 15, like in Victorian England or whatever the fuck. And he goes, you know, back in my day, there was a brick and there was fish

and then he looked me up and down and I was like I don't know which one I am but I went and fixed my makeup you know and it was just shit like that all the time but I think a gay man who like actively saw the AIDS crisis like you can say whatever you want to me it's fine of course you can't

yeah I don't you can call me a boy for all I care misgender me why not like it's fine and I'm like that's not even a job That's dead fucking serious. I don't care. If you live through the AIDS crisis,

you can kind of get away with whatever with me. Yeah. Like, you remember a world that had a taste in it, and I think that's beautiful. For sure. And I'm, again, slowly killing this man.

Yeah, that's really tough, but I think you're being true to yourself and that's beautiful in many ways. Thank you. You're welcome. You said, if this doesn't all work out, what is this all working out? What do you want from all this?

Why are you doing this? Well, I really like attention. Huge. And I really like being, listen to. And I'm hoping at some point I will make a lot of money. Yeah?

No. Also, I just... Yeah, I mean, I kind of just want to do everything. I kind of did tell my... In not so many words, I told my literary agent to like fuck off for a while and let me just write and figure it out. I'm really liking acting recently. I've gotten a lot of acting gigs.

So I'm hoping that that will pick up and I'll get to do more projects. I don't know. I just kind of... whatever. I just kind of want to say yes to anything that's cool. I do, I told Drew this too, I really want to get killed in a horror movie. That's the only, like, concrete dream that I have

is I want to, like, guts, like, butts, everything. I want it all ripped off. How ideally would you like to be killed? Like, ripped apart, stabbed, shot. I want it to be a scene that, when they write reviews about it, they're like, that felt like too much. Yeah. Like, I want it to kind of be like something

I don't even want to watch. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Have you ever heard of a movie called Terrifier? No. Okay, so it's a terrible movie. Like, awful. Such a bad movie.

And there's, it's just a clown killing people. And there's like one scene. I think it goes on for like, what, like 20 minutes or something? It's insane. And it's disgusting. And I hated it. And I hate that movie. I sent an email actually to the director.

I was like, I hate you. And I think you're terrible of what you do. But yeah, I do want to die like that, like in a movie. Yeah. Like pieces. and skin, all of that. I think we can make that happen for you. I would really love that.

I think we could make that happen for you. That would make up for you not coming to my party. Would it? If I got you killed in the horror movie, would you never bring that up again? Well, yeah. Not never. But I'll give you like a week.

Yeah, you mean that? I do. That's really, really do from the bottom of my heart. Yeah. One thing that's going on with meme, and I don't know how long we'll have to talk about it on the show. I do have an I twitch that has developed. Okay, why? Sorry, I'm talking about it again.

Hold on. Okay, so this is clearly... Everyone's upset. I'm talking about it again. Okay, so is it like... When I go through something, everyone has to go through it. Sure. Do you understand what I mean? No, that's natural. Natural, normal, that's a normal way of being. I'm going through an i-twitch. I haven't had a caffeinated beverage in four days.

Okay, well, that's why you need caffeine. Okay, I'm loving that theory. You're the first person brave enough to say something like that. Yeah. Everyone, when you have an i twitch, everyone's a doctor. they say you need sleep, you need to be less stressed, you need water. Magnesium and potassium have come up. So I'm going to start looking into that.

Witchcraft. People told me to eat bananas. Sure. Also a friend told me that maybe I need a new prescription, but maybe I'm straining with my current prescription. Okay. So I need to see an eye doctor. Who has time probably going to die?

Is it like a serious? It is so annoying. It feels like I'm dying. Okay. Sure. When I'm annoyed at all, it feels like death. Sure. No, no.

Um, potassium bananas, it sounds like you have a lot of, it sounds like you're getting some very crunchy answers. I'm getting crunchy answers. I think you need to drink coffee. You think so? I think, yeah, I think you need to drink as much coffee as possible and I think that will probably fix the issue. Or try ignoring it. And I feel like that solves all of my medical problems. Yeah, ignoring it's not working.

I have tried that. In the past, I've had an I twitch for like two hours. This is the first time I've had an eye twitch for seven days. Do you notice any triggers? Like, is there a specific moment where it starts? No. Okay. No, nothing has changed.

I'm sleeping the same amount, drinking the same amount of water. My coffee intake was normal. I don't know what happened. And you still have the Twitch. Yeah, hold on. Can you see it? I can. Oh, I can.

It's going. Wow. It's going right now. That's why I bring it up. It's a really crazy thing. I have to tell you now that I can see it's really bothering me too. If you could actually look that way. That'd be awesome.

I just don't know what to do. Yeah, but when I go through something, it really is everyone's problem. So, and I think that's why you're sitting in the chair. You think that's why I'm. I'm here. Yeah. What do you mean by that? Well.

What more is there to be said? Really what more is there to be said. Yeah. I'm, you know, that's actually something that I'm trying to learn more. I'm like, actually, I do want to make this everyone's problem. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah.

Because I will say, and I want to say this too. So gay people, straight people, I'm also really starting to hate artists. Yes. Because a lot of them are about what they do. And by the way, what kind of artists? Or it doesn't matter. Yes. Okay, thank you.

Check all of them. All of them. Particularly, I will show up on a set and somebody will be a hair artist or a makeup artist and do things on my face and my body that I'm like, you're going to be shot. You know what I mean? You will be dealt with. Like, when I have the money in my bank account, first person that I'm hiring is a hitman and I'm getting you killed because you straighten my hair and now I'm going to kill you.

Do you know what I mean? Not straightened. Yeah. I don't even remember why I brought that up. I think I'm just really mad about it. It makes total sense to me. Yeah. I don't know.

But I'm not good at being like, oh, I hate this and you're bad at your job. But I'm trying to get better at doing that. Making it everyone else's problem. Yeah. I think there's a way to do it that you actually don't have to say that. No, of course I won't say that. Yeah. But I'd like to be able to psychically transmit that thought.

You want to send that intel. Well, because these people don't speak Southern. So you can't say like... Bless your heart. Yeah. This is interesting. Because you say that and they go, oh, my God. You're from Texas.

and I'm like, I just did a spell on you. And you're going to cough in seven days. One thing the internet has done, unfortunately, has, like, it's given people too many insights into too much. Like, do you know, like, I think, bless your heart now has jumped the shark. And, like, now people that didn't know what that was code for now do know. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, we've, too many of our secrets, everyone's secrets are getting out.

But the thing is that they still use it wrong. Yeah. I actually did have a girl say that to me. Actually, bitch, while I was sitting in a chair. said that to me. And I did. I turned around and I was like, excuse me? And she was like, what?

And I was like, I think I said bitch, but like in a friend way. But I was like, bitch, that does not mean what you think it means. Don't say that to me again. Yeah. I don't know. But I mean, they want to be Southern. They want to be. Well, they want to be Californians who move to Texas.

And that they're very successfully giving. Yeah. So whatever. Say y'all. Say bless your heart. So to the extent that the goal was to, To the extent that the rubric is, did you achieve what you set out to achieve? They are achieving it.

Yeah. They are giving Californians who move to Texas. They are. And they are drinking terrible drinks in bars with wood paneling. Wood paneling everywhere. Yeah. I don't know what's going on there. Big Christmas lights all the time.

Yeah. It really, it feels like I'm at fucking, like, Joe's in the boonies, like, delivering a pizza to, like, three drunk motherfuckers running a bar. Like, it's crazy. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. What's the worst job you've ever had? Oh my God, I've had so many.

Oh, I worked at this restaurant. I was a hostess and then they were training me in the back. I got the job because my dealer, back when weed was like illegal, back when shame was normal. Yeah. My dealer worked in the kitchen and he was training me and he was refilling sauces and, you know, it's like a big container into like a little bottle. Yeah.

And he would fill one up and then there would be like the dribbles. and he would take it, lick it, close the container, do the next one. I don't, why does that gross me out so bad? Well, because he's literally infecting everyone. Yeah. You know what I mean? And it's like, you don't want to fuck your drug dealer. You definitely don't want to, like, eat his spit in your Caesar's salad.

Yeah. And then he would also, like, he just loved, like, taking food out of the orders. And, like, was everyone's favorite word in that restaurant. And it was, like, not as funny back then as it is to me now. I was to say it's kind of awesome. No, now it would be, like, I would have such a feel a day. And it would be my fault.

Yeah. But back then I was like really, I don't know. Yeah, it was just terrible and I hated serving people. And I hate customers. I do think being a customer is the most evil thing you can do. Can I say that? Yeah, you can say that. Yeah, I do think it's at any given moment,

the worst person that you are is when you're a customer. Yeah. And I do think, I do think like not only should they be able to kick people out of the restaurant or the store. I do think it should kind of be like a PVP situation. As in like if you want to fight, we can fight. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

A home field advantage kind of thing. Yeah. But like the person working gets a weapon and you don't. Really? Yes. Wow. Yeah. Are you a customer quite often?

Yeah. And do you feel like you're... I'm in my business. Yeah, you mind your business. I keep it simple. Excuse me. So sorry about that. Please don't react to that.

And by the way, the sneeze made the eye twitch kind of flare back up. Should, and you keep bringing attention to it? Yeah. And I'm telling you, Caleb, like, I've got about two minutes of that left. You're going to have to deal with it for maybe longer than two minutes because I don't know what to do when I'm going through something. Okay, so are you the customer right now?

Where am I? Right now, I would say, unfortunately, everyone listening is the customer. Sure. You know what I mean? They are actually tuning into this, which is crazy. And where are the two people talking on shift? We're the two people talking on shift. And we're doing it because we know they're eavesdropping.

Yeah. And we like attention because we are both personality hires and we relate today. Yes, absolutely. How often would you say you're late to something? I'm a lot better now because I am doing things that I want to do, but if it's like... Actually, if it's something I'm being paid for, I'm probably going to be like 15 to 20 minutes late. If I'm doing it for free because I want to be there, on time. Yeah. Which is also not fun because trans people and gay people love being late to everything.

I have learned that about us. Yeah, it's really... Are you an on-time girl? I was late today, but for the most part I'm on time. time. I don't think five minutes counts as late. It does. In my opinion, it does. Okay, well, I do not like waiting on people. I was doing you a favor. I know, it was very sweet of you,

but you shouldn't. I don't like waiting on people. It really pisses me off. Sure. It really pisses off. You're like very punctual about plans. For the most part, yeah. Do you do the thing where you lie about the time? Like push it like forward? To late friends? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. Does it work? Oh yeah. Well, I've done it

to friends who were working on their being lateness. Sure. And they have not appreciated that because then they've showed up on time. And what I've done is told them to come early. And now they have been bamboozled. And all that's going to encourage in them is more lateness. Right. So it can backfire sometimes.

You know, I've tried really everything. I've tried threats of violence. I've tried bribing. I have tried, well, those are the only two. Yeah, that's it. That's everything. That's really it. Because that trick, I don't have the brainpower.

Well, and I feel like they know when I'm doing it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like there's something about the way the conversation. conversation goes. Well, and it's like the type of friends that I have, it's like we have lunch plans. It's going to be 4 p.m. So it's like, yo, yes. Lunch at 4 p.m. Oh, sister, none of us had jobs back home. We just like found ways to make money. And so literally getting up before like 2 p.m. was like, oh wow. That's a stretch for me. That's a whole other life. You know what I mean? And then

we're Texas girl so glam. So yeah, no, nothing was ever happening before 4 p.m. Yeah. And I love that. I kind of like appreciate it. there's a beauty to that. Yeah. I mean, also made me want to kill myself because I hate people being late too.

Yeah, unless it's me. Well, when I do things, I've always said this, anything I do is different. Would you call yourself a hypocrite? No.

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You think I'm a hypocrite? I think I'm a hypocrite. You think you're a hypocrite? I openly admit to being a I literally that is how I made my last relationship last so long. Was he you go, you're a hypocrite and I would go, yeah. Yes. Yes. And then we would go home and fuck. So. I think you're a thought leader and a trendsetter. Do you think so? I do.

I feel like I because I'm a hypocrite. No, I don't think of hypocrisy with you. I don't think we've, we haven't spent enough time together for me to understand if you're a hypocrite or not. Yeah. Well, the last time we, when I saw you at dinner, by the way, can we have an honest review about that barbecue place? It was bad. It was bad.

It was bad. It was bad. It was bad. And I do also want to say that was another thing. I tried to take you both to a good taco place. You did. It did not look like what I wanted. Do you, are you scared of like a hole in the wall?

No, I'm not scared of a hole in the wall. Okay. But the taco place you sent while I'm sure the tacos were good was not giving what I needed for that meal. Okay. And so what you needed was bad. Bad barbecue. Bad barbecue. I thought it was going to be good.

Because you have like a whole reputation for being like, my name is Caleb and I know about barbecue. I do. And so I would have thought your instincts. Yeah. But can I tell you I don't think Texas is a barbecue. And maybe this is controversial. I don't think Texas is a barbecue state. Well, I think, well, okay, there's so much to unpacking that.

Okay. But what I'll tell you is we were up against several factors that day, which is like, look, was I just taking you to what I thought would be the best barbecue in Dallas? No. Was I taking you to barbecue that I thought would be good near my hotel because we had three hours before the event? Yes. So there were a lot of constraints that we were up against. Should I have trusted a local on a taco spot? Of course I should have.

Yeah. But I didn't do that. No, you didn't. Because I don't believe women. Well. Ultimately. Right. And that is something we're going to have to work on in our friendship.

Yeah. We'll work on that and then we'll address the trans thing. Although I'm fine to let you keep that one as long as I'm the exception. My transphobia? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I really don't care as long as it's not me. Really?

Yeah. I'm kidding. I'm going to get so canceled. Joking, you guys, joking, joking. You're not going to get canceled. Do you feel cancelable? No, I mean, I don't know. I think there was a time where I feel like I was really scared of that because I think the internet

loves, well, everyone hates women. Nobody likes women. That's true. Everyone hates women. But now I think we're kind of at a point where every woman on the internet is like, it'll be my day at some point and it'll probably make my career better. So, I don't know. You think a cancellation could just, like, boost your whole thing?

It depends for, like, what you did. Do you know what I mean? But I think a lot of the times it is just like, this woman has been on my screen. There's, like, a limit, and then a girl hits the limit. And then they're like, well, we have to kill her now. Yeah. It's kind of just like an... You used to have to get a pixie cut for that to happen,

and now you don't even need the pixie cut. You used to get Anne Hathawayed, and now you can kind of just, it can happen whenever, you know? But she survived, she's stronger than ever. And she looks great. She looks fab. And, you know, I know that it's not like witchcraft.

It's probably just like she's probably really healthy and, like, gets treatments all the time. I wish that it was like, you just have to eat like one person's heart and, like, do a spell, and then you look like that forever. Yeah, that would be nice. Because I would.

I would do it. Yeah, I know you would. I mean, I would find a volunteer. I would make it like a sex thing. Totally. Be like, do you want to die for me? Yeah, totally. But I would do it.

Yeah, I know you would. Eat a heart if I would look. To be young and sexy forever. No. But that's only because I don't want to be young and sexy forever. Are you excited to be like a little old man? I'm really excited. I think I'm going to get really interesting work out of it.

What do you think your vibe for like retirement? Like, what's the plan? What do you see for yourself? I'm going to work until the day I die. Really? Not every day. I hate... But I'm going to work on some level.

I want to be making movies when I'm... Well, let's be honest. What age do we think I'm going to get to? 73. You think the cutoff is the 70s for you? I just don't see myself in my 80s and 90s. Like, purely from a... Like, I just don't think that...

Logistical standpoint, is that what you're saying? Logistically, I'm just like... I don't think I would even want that. Sure. I don't... Here's what I'll say. It's a lot. If it ever gets to a point where I can't do things for myself,

this is... not something I'm saying for anyone else. I'm saying for me, Caleb, I would rather die. Sure. If I can't take myself places and do things on my own, I'm going to pay someone handsomely to kill me.

Compassionately. How? Yeah. Pills. Okay. That, I can tell you that sounds awful. I would say, give me the shotgun, like a dog.

Really? You know what I mean? Like a horse or whatever. I want pills. Well, now they give the horses pills. But I don't know. I want the gun. Make it fast.

Yeah? Yeah. But I was told by it. psychic guy, I'm going to live to 89. And she died right after she told me that. So I do believe her. Yeah. But she said, I'm going to live to 89.

So my plan is to hit like a fierce 80 and then get really into like all the drugs that I'm refusing at the club right now. Yeah. I'm going to run that one back. Start accepting. In my 80s. And then I want to disappear into the woods and whatever happens happens. And I have said this on record before.

This is how I feel. very deeply in my spirit. You want to spend your 80s doing hard drugs alone in the woods? No, I want to do the hard drugs, like, in the retirement home. Yeah. And then I feel like, you know, like, animals like hide when they know it's coming. Yeah. That's kind of what I'm going to do. Like, I think I'll feel it. Yeah. And go. You know what I mean? I will say I retired people, these retirement communities, they're living large. I, well, all they do is golf cart to the clubhouse, get fucked up, do karaoke, swim, fuck each other, they're all swinging.

Fuck like crazy. Fuck like crazy. They're eating like a dog on its last day. See, and I feel, I can't help but feel like they did the whole hedonism thing right, because they were just, like, swinging and doing orgies, but like in a very well-decorated environment. Yeah.

And I kind of really appreciate that. Yeah. Because here's the thing. I don't, I don't, I don't, I really don't have anything against kinky people, but I just so many times, I feel like the outfits are terrible. And I have like this old coffee table book of like old latex and rubber and it's so chic.

Yeah. And now like the pup mask thing. I'm like genuinely it's the ugliest. I don't even care that it's like a dog thing. I love furries. Shout out the furry community. Shout out. Why is the mask ugly though?

Why is the mask ugly? Why is the harness red leather? Like it's not working for me aesthetically. Like if it was all red and then and then you know what? It's that they have like the Nike shoes on. And like that is like literally hole out in your sneakers. Yeah, Air Force. Air Force on.

It's crazy to me. With your cock like bound with rubber. Literally like what, like you're caged in like A6 shoes right now. The grinder of it all. I will, you know a picture that I have gotten more than once from different. And I'm not on anymore. I'm born again. But when I was active, have you ever been sent, a guy will send a picture of like a close

up of his mouth open with his tongue out? Have you ever had this happen to you? Yes. That... Usually older men. I don't know who... There's a lot happening with men sexually nowadays, and I'm like, I don't know who told you anyone wants that.

Yeah. And I don't know. Can I say that I feel like a lot of people don't really have kinks? They're just like... I don't know. It's like... It's like hot honey or like the orange sauce that all the restaurants have for the burgers now. Yeah.

It's just like something to do. Yeah. the burger tastes like shit and we have to put something on it. You know what I mean? Yeah, I do. And so I got tired of it, so I'm born again and I don't have sex anymore. Yeah, that's kind of where I'm at. That's completely beautiful.

I love that. I'm in a different situation personally. I know. But I'm loving that for you. And I hate the sin, not the sinner. Thank you. Yeah. I really appreciate that.

I genuinely do. I think that's a beautiful sentiment. And when it comes to Grindr, obviously, it should be deleted off everyone's phones. I think it would be best case for the community if it didn't exist anymore. That being said, I am on that motherfucker. I am talking on there a lot. I am meeting guys on there pretty often. You know, what it actually just became for me was I just, I have the most fun talking to a guy for like five days and then ghosting him. Yeah. And I was like, hmm, I think that's how I got my last two stalkers. Yeah. So I was like, I should stop doing that here. That makes a lot of sense to me. Yeah.

That that would turn into stalking. But there was something like kind of fun for like. the first couple days of being stalked. And then it got like boring and tiring. What were the fun parts? It was kind of funny to tell people. Yeah, like, oh, I'm getting stalked. Yeah, something very casual to drop into a conversation. I was like, uh, he like sent me my own address.

And I was like, I don't know. That was like really funny. But then it was like, no, now it's a problem. Do you know what I mean? Of course. But then I saw him at the bar with a, uh, a woman. And then he never stalked me again. I was like, you, how do you have time for a girlfriend and stalking?

Yeah. He texted me a couple days ago. And I was like, how are you doing? How's your girlfriend? You texted your stalker back. I didn't. Beautiful. Well, what is he going to do?

That's community. I mean, maybe he'll fly here. I don't know. That's found family, by the way. Yeah. No. Thank you. That's chosen family.

Because you know who was there for me at 3 a.m. When no one else was, my stalker. Yes. That's so beautiful. I obviously can't be too supportive of the whole stalking was fun thing. That it's a bad look for me personally. Is it? But I think as your point of view, I can say that it's beautiful for you.

Okay. So I can get in trouble. Well, no, you were the one who was stalked. I think as a cis man, it's a bad look for me to be like, yeah, stocking is funny. You can be trans today, just so that you can agree with me. I can be trans any day. I think being trans is so beautiful. Can we run this?

I feel like I remember a point earlier in this episode where you did not feel that way. I've changed. That's really beautiful. I've changed via our friendship and conversation. It's because you had to meet a conservative trans woman. That's it. I'm kidding. I'm like, wait a minute.

There's Republican trans people. I'm on board. I actually love this community. call Caitlin. She'd be really excited to meet you. Oh my God. That bitch, I cannot. That bitch. I cannot. I have to tell you. There is, I don't remember her name.

There is someone who does, and she does an impression of Caitlin, and it's so spot on. Nothing about Caitlin is funny to me at all, but someone doing a carbon copy impression of her is the funniest thing in the world. Yeah. Only when it's a trans person, though. Yeah. The thing about Caitlin is, she should have, based on the amount of, like, based on her whole situation. When she transitioned, who she was pre-transition, the amount of media exposure around

her transition, she should have easily, even if she was like uninteresting and stupid, she should have 50 to 70 iconic viral moments. And she really only has one. Well, which is when she's like, 9-11. Well, you know, a lot of people transition into a lame bitch. Yeah. And met a couple of them. The secret was keeping things interesting. And it kind of, it. It's. It does Because I don't Like the whole line

Of like we're just like everybody else I actually do hate that And that's where I'll go from being like conservative To being like I'm in the terror cell Like I don't I don't I'm like no bitch You are like you are not like everyone else

And that's a good thing I think like we should celebrate that But sometimes you meet a girl who's like Yeah my name is I don't know Jessica And I work in marketing And I go to bed at 9pm And it's like

fierce I guess but it kind of like because it's like you're not even like some freak on Reddit like you literally like worked at Macy's and then got a marketing job and that's your life and I'm like I don't know like trans like gay

it's like okay I don't know there are normal queer people and we have to figure out what to do with them I don't want that to be my response again that sounds like work hey you don't have to do it but someone's gonna have to do it sure not us

Not me for certain. I'm not doing anything. We're working. We're bucked. We're good. I have other things going on. Yeah. I have a very successful podcast.

You're kind of like in charge. Are you like in charge of the lesbian community now? Is that what's happening? No, certainly not. What I am is a sort of, do you know how in the Catholic Church they have saints that they pray to? Yes. I'm something like that to the lesbians. Sure.

Well, because I have to tell you, I never thought that I would actually be invited onto your show because I don't make indie music and I'm not. a non-binary lesbian. Yes. And I kind of thought that was like the rule. Yes. Or that I had to have a movie coming out and none of that is happening. Or that I could be all three. Yeah.

So I was really surprised. I was like, wow, he's finally like diversifying the guest list. That's really beautiful. We've had a guest list that goes far beyond that for a very long time. You also do have a sound cloud. That's true. That's true. So I guess.

So be very careful with me because you actually fit the stereotype more than you even know. You're a so true guest. through and through. Sorry, baby, you were born for it. You know, and I have been I've been pondering lesbianism more since I got here. Oh, please tell me about that. Well, the thing, the main thing is that,

and I think it is because I am evil, the women that I attract do what I do, but like equal to me or better, and I can't handle that. Like, I can't be treated the way that I treat men. Absolutely. At all. Absolutely. And, yeah, every time it's kind of just been like a nightmare,

And I always end up being the one like losing. And I'm like, no, it doesn't work that way for me. Yeah. So. If there's going to be a power imbalance, you need to be on top. Yes, I do. I do need to be in control of that. And also it's like, I don't, I don't know.

I think, I don't know. We'll see. We'll see what happens. But it does. I was like messing with this one girl in Texas for a while. And I figured out through firsthand knowledge that her whole thing was making me jealous. Like in person at the club in real time. And I was like,

that is hot. I know. That is hot. But it's hot when I do it. Yes. Do you like that kind of thing? Like, little guy making you jealous? I don't really.

Jealousy is not. You don't experience that feeling? I mean, I'll experience micro, but I'm not, it's not like some kind of, I don't get jealous enough for there to be any kind of psychosexual game with me about it. Sure. When we're not in the room together, it's like an object permanence thing. I don't care. Yeah.

But like, I feel like I have my time slot. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I feel like I've put my punch card. it needs to be about me. Yeah. Everything, it needs to be about me if I'm there. That's beautiful.

Yeah. That's completely beautiful and I support that. Yeah. I think I'm mostly post games. I was really interested in games at a certain point in my life. I'm mostly post games. Okay. I do keep getting involved with men that have to leave the U.S. imminently.

That's one thing that's going on in my life. Same reason. Mostly visa stuff. Sure. But I keep accidentally kind of inadvertently getting involved with men that, within the next 95 to 3 days, somewhere in there, they have to leave the U.S. And that has happened more than once recently

and I don't know what's going on. And see you need, so can I say something else? I wish you would. And it's going to be about sex. I feel like that is the kind of thing where you figure out the stuff that you're like, something is going on in your brain where you're into that. Yeah.

And I would love at some point to pick apart why that's happening. I think that you're wrong. I am not into it. I'm actually quite sad about it because I am tired of having casual sex and I'm looking for love. I think. Right.

I'm putting, I just want to put my think on there just in case that turns out not to be true. That's what I'm feeling in this moment. Right. So, okay, love that. In this moment, I feel like I really love you and I could spend the rest of my life with you.

I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up in the morning. That's kind of the vibe. Does that make sense? No, fully. It's not person specific. I go through, I'd say, moment to moment anywhere from one to 20 something times a day, I change my mind about what I'm looking for. Are there any contenders? Oh, sure. What do you think I'm giving? Can I show you

my hinge profile? Yes. And will you say what you think I'm giving? Yeah, I really will. I'm really interested. Can we show them too or is that too much? No, it'll be just for your eyes. Okay, I think. I'll give them a full report. My hinge profile is extremely public. Okay, take a look. Scroll through here and tell me what you think I'm giving. I look cute in that picture. You do look really cute in this picture. It is a, so it's a fully black and white photo. This is professionally done as well.

It's a black and white professional photo. First one on my hands profile. Not scared to do it, doing it. So, sure. The height is great. I love that you have the height on there. Spiritual other. Oh, I can't read this out loud.

No, you can read spiritual. Spiritual other. Doesn't that make sense to you? We'll get into that in a moment. Let's, yeah, you keep doing your research. Oh, I really like the second picture. Yeah, I knew that would do it for you. Is this, what is this, what the fuck is this machine?

What is that? That is a bicycle. Okay. Hold on. In my defense, hold on. It has a fucking fender on it. The fucking tire is like 14 inches. Bitch, don't play with me.

Especially I'm a guest in your home. It's a fat tie. It's, no, you're a fucking tire. You're right to ask. You're right to ask. It does look crazy. It looks like something a child is doing wheelies on in front of my apartment. Don't fucking play with me.

That was nuts. This is going to be the episode where Caleb gets shot and it's the final episode. Okay, this one is cute. Mirror selfie. Love the sweater. This is the gayest picture of you I've ever seen. This is the gayest I've ever seen you look actually. Thank you.

I want to get some of that in there. This is actually the first time I've seen you look gay. Thank you. Yeah. You are now, the Ugg Slippies. I'm really appreciating that you did that today. Yeah. These are my studio slippers. I wear these on every episode, actually. Do you, have you ever said about yourself that hiking is one of your hobbies?

No. Okay. But I do hike. You have a picture of you. Thank you for not mentioning it, though, because I hate when people do that. But you do have a picture of you just in a river here. Yeah. Which is, I don't know what's happening with this last photo. My legs look great there. Your legs look great. This one, though. Oh, that one, I'm stoned out of my mind and I want to kind of give off like sometimes I get stoned.

Sure. Okay. I look cute in that picture. You don't think how cute in that picture I don't like this picture I want you to take it off Are you sure? You could actually do it here yeah Okay, that's really good to know

What don't you like about it? Maybe that I'm too stoned Well it's kind of like we're in a very goonery era And it's kind of giving more goon face It looks like I'm gwing It looks like you're practicing Just the face in the mirror I've never gooned

In fact I don't know how to Oh that's fine We can actually skip right past that Collections I will change that picture out Yeah But I think I look really cute in it Do like the stoner girl thing where it's just like a close-up of your eyes really red.

And it's like kind of artsy. But would you flirt with him? Yes, I would. For the picture of you looking really gay, because I like men who are kind of gay. Really? Yeah. That's interesting. I did want to get at least one in there where I look gay.

Yeah. Because too many of my pictures are me, not that I think I'm straight passing, but too many of my pictures are me like looking like Kevin James from King of Queens. Sure, sure, sure. I will say, I think maybe my lens is a little bit skewed on this. I feel like if I didn't know who you were and you weren't famous, I would make jokes behind your back about you possibly being gay, but I would believe you about being straight. That's really sweet.

Thank you. But I also think... I view gayness as a failure and straightness as an accomplishment. Sure. Kidding. That was a joke. Yeah, no. Especially since I've really started watching pool being played more publicly.

I kind of feel the opposite in a very true way. Yeah, pool is really something that's happening. And guess what I'm playing as well? You're playing pool? I'm at the billiards hall. Okay. I'm playing pool. And by the way, I've been the...

I've been there for years. Are you good at it? No. That's what makes it more embarrassing. I've been playing pool a lot longer than these Brooklyn fakers. And they're better at it than I am, and that makes me sick. And that's what I want to say about it, is that I was in, I also hate this bar. And I don't remember the name of it.

I would, I want everyone to know that I would say the name if I knew the name. And I'm actually trying to think of it right now. Where was it? Barshwick. Of course. Bartender, total bitch. Right. On purpose, because her and I were cool.

And she complimented me. And then she started being mean to me. And it was really crowded in there. And they're like asking me to move because they're playing pool and they're trying to do the shot. And I was like so, so like it's just a lot for me. It's like I want to stand here. You want to play like a game for old men. Yeah.

And it's fine. And if you want to pretend to be an old man, that's okay. I'm not pretending to be an old man. I have been hanging out with lesbians for a very long time. And lesbians are very involved in the pool community. No, lesbians, all lesbians want to be old men. They're good and they're serious. I started playing pool with lesbians

I thought we were all just having a good time No well that's the problem They're mad is it gets really really serious They're playing as a couple They're trading off shots The Fim one's not making the shot The mask one's like fucking punching the air I know it's scary

It's a lot It's really scary It's a lot I don't like to see them like that Yeah I don't know I just I don't I don't want to do the dive bar thing It's not for me

It's my only thing Is it really? I love a dive bar What is it Is it the cheap What is it? What do you like about that? Oh I don't even really drink

I'm having Diet Coke at the dive bar. Sure. Oh, I love a diet cook. I'm actually going to put two in my purse. Hello? When I leave this place. Let's do one.

We're kind of... We'll do two. Yeah. You're right. Thank you. Could you imagine I limit your Diet Coke? You can clean that fridge out if you want to. Well, however much I can fit in my purse.

There's olive pops in there. There's beef jerky. There's all kinds of good stuff over there. Take whatever you need. Okay. Dive bars, for me, it's that the music is more my speed. They're playing like Wilco. Sure.

It's that the people are more my speed. It's like quiet, older people. I'm just enjoying that. So you're at like a real dive bar. I'm at a real dive bar. Okay, so that's beautiful. And that's something different to me. Yeah.

That's beautiful. Yeah. I like that a lot. There was this really shitty place. I used to love to go on dates back home. It was called the groggy dog. And it was like the grossest bar that I've ever seen in my life. It had that like, um, you know that there's like the peel off fake linoleum for counters.

And then there's like the wall version that feels like reptile skin. Yeah. It was like all made of that. It kind of felt like a big food truck in there. Oh. It was beautiful. Like, it was not like cutesy wood paneling at Christmas lights. It was like a shit hole.

No, it sucked. I liked that a lot. Yeah, disgusting drink. You would only get shots or beer. My favorite dive bar in Kansas City has since closed rest in power. But it was the kind of dive bar where it was so disgusting. It was totally a hazard. It was like every moment you were at risk of the building falling down on top of you.

And they had a house phone behind the bar that people would call. And the bar tune would go, yeah, he's here. and then hand it to one of the patrons. And then the guy would be like, I don't know, maybe like two hours. I don't know, I don't know. I'm fucking having fun. I don't know.

Like a 70-year-old man arguing with probably his wife. And then hang back up. It had a long cord on it, like from the 90s. Hang back up the house one and go back to drinking with his friends. I really think that's beautiful. I think that's so gorgeous. And you know what I think the thing. And I do, I will say,

I think I've been like unfair to lesbians about acting like old men. I do think lesbians should do whatever they want because I do think lesbians are not given the nightlife scene that I think the rest of us are. So I'm fine with them cosplaying old men, but for straight people.

They're not given the nightlife scene that everyone else is given because they're not going out at night. I know, but like, God, when they do want it, their clubs are so shitty, so bad. I didn't even know they were lesbian clubs. There are.

Well, there weren't Dallas. I thought it was all just karaoke bars. And it was, I mean, I think it would, well, they had a karaoke carriac bar upstairs. Yeah. They did. They did. There was like,

I mean, there was a really fierce dance floor and like the biggest bar in the neighborhood downstairs. But then they were like, we know you need karaoke. Look. But they also had a popcorn machine. Hey. In the club. And I'm going to lesbian bars.

If I'm in Nashville, you'll catch me at the lipstick lounge. Sure. It is just karaoke and the patio is kind of really where things are going off. Sure. But that's also like the patio is an important space. But I do, what I wanted to say, I don't, I do think straight people need to be like working and they, or they need to be like actually like, dancing. I don't like them relaxing at a bar in that kind of space. I don't think you haven't

done enough to relax. I had to flee my home state. You need to be working. And you need to be giving me the money. Yeah. I don't like seeing them sit. But old people, I really like old people. Yeah. I'm very good with old people. I fully understand and believe that. Yeah. You like old people. I love old people. You would so have that vibe. They love me. We do. We understand each other. Yeah. I think it's something, I think it's something Southern, but I think think it's also something more than that. I think it's like a genetic thing. I also worked in an antique store for that's the one I gave my boss cancer.

Yeah. And everybody is old. Yeah. Everyone who sells antiques is old and insane. And that's kind of like my flavor. Yeah, I could see you doing really well with old people. My grandma would love you. I'm excited.

You know, my ex's grandmother fully grew up in Oklahoma. No running water, no electricity. Post breakup still defended me. Yeah. Like, and she did not like trans people. Because she knows who's real, though. She understands. She understands who's real.

Right. You should come to Thanksgiving at my house. Should I? You really should. In Kansas City, my family would love to hang out with you. Okay. All right. What should I bring to the day?

Is it a potluck situation or are y'all like we're cooking? You can bring some if you want to, but the ladies have got it under control. Sure. Because I know it really depends who's household you go to. Yeah. I will tell you, and I want to say this. I want to say this. And I love you.

If you see this, I love you so much. My best friend in the world, his signature dish. This is what he contributes. to family Thanksgiving, because I've come to his family Thanksgiving. He cooks sliced up apples in red huts and puts it in a bowl and puts it on the table. Okay. That can be probably beautiful, I'm sure. It tastes like it.

Well, actually, I'm going to leave it. I'm going to let it sit in the space first. Can you bleep his name? Bleak his name. Yeah. We'll protect his anonymity. He's going to get mad at me for that. It's going to be like, we're going to do your voice like that.

It's like fully a professional chef, too. Oh. Yeah, so I don't know what's going on. He's like a really, really good cook, but he's like, these are my apples for Thanksgiving. There's still a bag of those in my old apartment in the fridge. I left them for the landlord. Uh-huh. That's really crazy.

Yeah. You can make something if you want to. I'll make that. But we'd be happy to just make anything else. Anything else you want. Sure, sure. No, you can make that. People would love it.

My grandma, my grandma Debbie makes some wild shit. She makes some, like, Midwestern ass. Yeah. Is it like Great Depression cooking? Yeah. It's like, it's like, jello, whipped cream carrots. Like weird fucking, like. Salads, Midwestern salads.

You know, when it gets, I like, so I get really into Ambrosia. And then like the classics, egg salad, potato salad, pea salad, whatever. But there's some shit in the Midwest that gets me a little. When we get into like baloney and mayonnaise territory, I go, that's not my family. But yes, that's part of the culture. Sure, it happens.

But I also like, I do respect it. And I don't like people talking shit about it. Because I'm like, I don't know, girl. I think it's beautiful that we're just putting slop in a bowl. Yeah, I think it is beautiful. Maneas and bolognaz can be so powerful. I do think so.

For somebody. Yeah. I did love bologna as a kid. I liked when you would like fry the bologna and put it in the sandwich. Fry bologna with mustard? Bitch. Absolutely. Come on.

Absolutely. But now, like, girl, lokey spam is expensive now. I don't buy it anymore. I know it's fucked up. Five bucks for a can. Crazy. And it's like pig eyeballs. Yeah.

And I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that, but it needs to be cheap. And I don't give a fuck. I don't care what I'm eating. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I'm like, we all already have the plastic in our balls. Yeah. So like why would I stop now?

Yeah, I've got plastics. For sure. I'm, I'm macroplastics at this point. I'm trying to get more plastic. I want more plastics. I'm trying to like get as much plastic as possible. If possible, I'd like to get more plastic. Yeah.

Yeah, I've already kind of decided that like I'm not interested in quitting nicotine. I like the micropastidic. I like the carcinogens. I like all of it. I want it. I like living in a polluted city. I think it's beautiful for me. It's completely beautiful.

Okay, what's so true to you? So we've been talking about this the entire episode. I think men specifically have become, I've really been suing on this. Men are too sexually liberated. Yeah. And I think, and this is all men. I think you need to,

I was kind of trying to hash out solutions for this with a friend this morning. And we have decided that it kind of needs to be like a training program, like driver's ad. Okay. And then you need to pass. a test, and I think you do need to reapply every few years as if you're a senior

citizen, are getting your prescription updated. To be fucking? To be fucking as a man. Okay. Because it's just it's a lot for me. The behavior is a lot for me. I think something happened in the 2010s where women said, hey, sex kind of

hasn't been fun for us for the past the whole time. You know what I mean? Like how long have we been here about all that time? Sex has literally never been fun for women. And then in the 2010s, young women were like, what if I came? What if we started coming?

And for some reason, I think a lot of men thought that that was about them. And I feel like gay men for as like egregious as the behavior becomes, they at least agree with each other. And I feel like often that system is mutual. I don't think men who are into women have gotten there. No. And I think sex actually needs to become drastically less accessible

and less fun and less okay for them. Yeah. And it needs to be just about the women. And maybe it needs to just be about let's masturbate and not do it anymore for a while. Everybody? Women. You know what I mean?

Women masturbate for a while and don't fuck anybody. Don't fuck men. Do lesbian sex. Maybe we just all need to do more lesbian. Fine by me. But I don't know. Whatever it is, whatever the solution is, maybe we get a fine involved.

I don't usually support law enforcement, but I think some kind of system where we're policing the way that straight men have sex and making rules and legislation to make it harder. Yeah. I think that would be really important right now. I think I can get behind that. Yeah.

I don't care what straight men are doing. I don't care what straight women are doing. I think that is their whole problem that they've created. Sure. I invite everyone to be gay. I know you care. I care. Everyone is doing.

I know. I really enjoy other people's business. Yeah. I mean, I do have to deal with straight men. So this problem does involve me. I know. And you should consider that I'm concerned. I feel for you.

I don't want to be involved. I don't want you to be involved. I want you to be a lesbian. I think I'm kind of like fake about it. I think I'm like a fake bisexual. But because I'm a trans woman, I don't feel guilty about saying that. Yeah.

Because you can't take my card away. Yeah. You know what I mean? I won't be speaking on it at all. You won't. But I would love to see you do lesbianism. We'll see. That's what I can offer.

We'll see. I just want you to know that when I think about you, I see lesbian very passionately. I think a lot of the lesbians do. I will say that. Of course. My most violently, sexually aggressive comments are lesbian, which in my mind I'm like, that's okay.

Of course. That's fine. That's not harassment. That's sisterhood. Yeah. It is. And what's fucked up is that I like agree with you. And I think that's actually misogynist of me to actually feel that way.

But I won't be inspecting. Yeah, there are things that women will say to me that I'm like, I would have you arrested if you were a man. But you're not. Things are just different. We need to, people do this all the time, especially on the internet, where they're like, oh, if I was someone else and I was doing this, it would be X. And it's like, well, you're not. So we will never know. We'll never know. We will never know. And also, I don't like hypotheticals. Yeah. And also, I don't like hypotheticals. I don't appreciate it. I don't want to play fake games with you. No. You're not that person, so I don't know. You're not that girl. Yeah. I feel that way a lot of times when people are like, oh, if I was famous, I would, you know, X, Y, Z, I'd be acting like this. It's like, we'll never know. We'll literally never know. We just don't know. I don't know. What's that one, Dochy song? Yeah, I guess she'll never know. Yeah.

No, girl. I guess she'll never know. No, bitch. I mean, the fucking, unfortunately, iconic Kanye quote, where he's like, people want to know what happened if I didn't win,

I guess we'll never know. Unfortunately, that's going to go ahead and be an all-time banger. It is. You know what? And I'm agreeing with you, honestly, didn't even grow up listening to Kanye.

So actually, I'm just going to let you die on that hill. I really did. I mean, look, some of our most iconic people of all time are out of their fucking minds. You know, I will say MIA was a really hard one

for me. Hello. And nobody, I feel like a lot of people don't even like her like that, but I was like so, I liked how insane she was in a fun way. Yeah. And then I don't know what, I do, I wonder what it is about fucking a billionaire that makes you scared of 5G. Yeah. And that, because it's like happened twice now. Yeah. And that, I'm like, maybe that's something we should consider. Let's look into that. Do you know what I mean? Because I'm like, you would know, you fuck the billionaire. Right. You were in, you were at the locus. of where everything happens. And it makes me think,

you know, I have a grandmother who hangs rocks that look like poop and all her windows because she's afraid of 5G and she thinks that they absorb the 5G and she drinks, I'm not kidding you about any of this,

by the way, she drinks like powdered algae because she thinks it like protects her body from 5G. You have to wear scrubs when you go to her house. And I like sometimes I sit there and I think like maybe

maybe she is right? At least about the rocks. When I think of, you know. At least about the rocks. Give her the rocks minimum. Yeah. When I think about people like that,

my only thought really is like to what end? Like you're like, okay, I'm gonna be, me and the 12 other people doing this are gonna live longer because of this. I go, okay, so then what would still be the point though? Yeah, I can I say that I kind of think it's just for fun?

Like I kind of think it's just like an attention thing. I think it's an attention thing. I think everything is an attention thing. I think like really fiercely believing in God for a lot of people. I like, I think you believe in God, but I think a lot of this is for attention.

I think a lot of this is for attention. of the times. I went to a mega church where they were speaking in tongues. Yeah. I was like, sister, the, the spirit of Christ is not in this building. You are having fun right now. Yeah. And you're going to be a fierce theater major when you're 20. Do you know what I mean? You are having fun right now. It's so insulting. I'm obsessed. And they're like crying. You're just like having a key, please. Well, here's it. I went like, we're literally in a building that looks like an AMC theater. Yeah. Like they fully have like a sound booth for the drum guy. I'm like, Jesus isn't here.

Jesus would never genuinely ever show up in a church with a coffee shop. So I don't, like you're not speaking in tongues here. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And it was like surrounded by water. I'm like Jesus is a ghost.

He can't get past that. So I don't. So get real. So get real. That is so fucking funny. Do you not agree? Oh no, I'm big on Jesus and all that. And speaking in tongues,

I find it very, very sincere. Really? Yeah, I'm big Jesus guy. White people in an AMC fucking theater church are really... Exclusively. When it's... When it's... Like, I passed by a tent revival at one point when I was getting my dog fixed.

Them, I believe. Yeah. And I don't even know if that's Jesus. I think that's something else in there because they're holding snakes and shit. Yeah. I was like, y'all are doing witchcraft. I've been to tent revivals. How was that?

Really crazy. Even as a kid. I mean, like, all jokes aside, even as a kid, I was like, this is some fucked up shit. Yeah. I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I know. That, I think, is something else. Yeah.

And I do think it's real. Or, like, I will tell you, actually, one thing, if I find out that someone that I'm dating has, like, women that have, like, a gift or something and his family, I won't do it. I will not touch that. I will not date you. I'm not kidding. It freaks me fuck out. If he has gifted women in his family? Like, psychic or something.

Yeah. I won't do it. Yeah. Because I'm, like, I'm going to dog you out. And she's going to find out. She's going to curse me. Yeah. I won't do it.

I won't mess with that. Yeah. Okay. I'm dead serious. My aunt, Gina's a little psychic. Okay, well, we'll never date. So just be careful with me. Yeah, well.

Even potonically, be careful with me. Okay. Well, as like a friend, be careful with me. She will, actually. Yeah, I don't dog friends out. I dog lovers out, so. That's beautiful, actually. Do you want to play a game?

I do. Nice. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can. I know. Isn't it a nightmare? You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just said is true or false. And if you get 10 or more correct, K, we're going to give you $50 U.S.

Are you ready? Whoa. Jupiter is the fifth planet from the sun. Sure. True. The courage, the cowardly dog aired on Nickelodeon. False.

False cartoon network. Folgers Coffee was founded in Canada. False. False. United States. All M&M colors are the same flavor. True. True.

The Dallas Mavericks have never won an NBA championship. True? False. Fuck. They've won one. Lightning is hotter than the surface of the sun. True. True.

The Olympics originated in Rome. True. False, Greece. Fuck me. The first text message ever said, Happy Birthday. False. False.

Merry Christmas. An obtuse angle is less than 90 degrees. False. False. It's greater than. There have been nine Texas Chainsaw Masker movies. False.

True. Buck. Betty White was 5'4. True. True. Thomas Jefferson is still on the $2 bill. False? True.

There are more crispy creams than Dunkins in the U.S. False. Africa is the second largest continent. True. True. The Church Night Club in Dallas. Dallas, Texas is closed on Wednesdays. False.

What? Is that a trick question? It's true. What the hell? What do you mean closed on Wednesdays? The church nightclub in Dallas, Texas is closed on Wednesdays. Oh, I guess it is. Yeah.

Okay. It wasn't a trick. You restated it, yeah. How'd you do? Use it in a sentence? 11. Yeah. We'll get it to you.

Oh, fierce. I'm not getting that money, y'all. We'll get it to you. We'll get it to you. Don't worry about it. Wait, how many people win? Oh, I think you're like, the second or third. No, I'm kidding.

There's been a lot. I was going to say, don't fuck with me. Someone should run the numbers on that. Can one of our fans go through and run the numbers on who's one? There is someone in the Reddit comments that I read, Caleb doesn't, that has a database of every question I've ever written and they

are like, this person is the fourth person to be asked this one. The previous ones were these people and they got these ones wrong. That's the person who's going to shoot you. Yeah, that's one's going to kill me. That's actually the only thing I've ever heard about Reddit it was cool. Sure.

That's the first cool thing I've ever heard about Reddit. Sure. The rest is. Yeah, everyone on Reddit except for that person can st st my dick and die. You know what though?

You should check out R slash sheet metal when you get a chance. What's going on over there? You'll find out. Okay. Hell yeah. You want me to log in?

I do. I'll log into R slash sheet metal. Yeah. Let's fucking go. Yeah. This was a great episode. Kay, do you want to tell people where they can find you?

Bitch, literally everywhere. You can find me on substack. You can find me on TikTok, Instagram SoundCloud, which I forgot about crazy. And hopefully I'm on camera soon. So yeah, you'll see me.