So True with Caleb Hearon - Liza Treyger Returns Again

Episode Date: August 20, 2026

Welcome! This week we once again welcome back the hilarious Liza Treyger! Liza and Caleb talk apartment horror stories, World Cup/Knicks summer, Taylor Swift’s wedding guest list, Backgammon, and much more! Join our Substack for ad free full episodes, early access to merch, our community chat, and more! https://calebsaysthings.substack.com/ Follow Liza! @glittercheese Follow the show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Visit hin.ge/SoTruewithCalebHearon to download Hinge today! Visit https://Quince.com/sotrue for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. Book your next trip at Booking.com. Book today on the site or in the app. Go to https://www.squarespace.com/SOTRUE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code SOTRUE. Download the Bilt app and join the membership for where you live, at https://joinbilt.com/sotrue. To find delicious recipes and learn more about the antioxidant goodness of POM Wonderful, please go to https://pomwonderful.com So True with Caleb Hearon is edited and engineered by Nicole Lyons. Our social media manager is Anna Weis. All episodes are filmed in The So Trudio at Legitimate Business World Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. A Wave series. https://wavesportsandentertainment.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.ca. Oh my god, I was just talking to someone. I wish I remembered who it was, but they had to say like, no, 15 times.

I was like, no, I'm having this. And they kept being like, well, that's okay. I'll just do this. And they're like, oh, no, like they had to say it like four times. I'm so sorry. I don't understand what you're saying. I honestly, I started saying it and then I realized I don't remember any of the details. You're not talking shit.

If it's their behavior and I'm just assessing the behavior, that's a mildly Cyrus quo. Put that in the episode. Lisa, mic down. We're not talking shit. If it's your behavior and I'm discussing your behavior. Yeah, like, if you fucked with my piece, why can't I tell people what you did to protect you? I don't think so.

You wrong me. I'll tell everybody. We can tell the truth about what people do. No worries. I'm telling everybody. You really are. Yeah, I can't shut up and I cause problems all the time. I definitely caused a confrontation yesterday.

And I was like, should I have not relayed the mess? But how do you not? How do you not cause a confrontation? How do you not let someone know, like, this person was, you know, try to embarrass you and I didn't like it. You relate to a friend. Well, then I told my friend, I go,

I feel so bad. I don't feel like I stood up for you enough. And then our other third friend went, no, I don't think you need to worry about that. The boundaries were set. But I don't know. I don't know. We're all trying our best.

We are all trying our best. That's a beautiful perspective, Lee. Thanks. But some people are, and some people's best isn't good enough. That's true. And that's a thing, too.

That's completely true. Some people are trying, yeah. because I used to play basketball, and I tried really hard. What position? Well, so in junior high, I played on four separate teams, and then when I was point guard, I knew it was going to be a bad team. Yeah. When they said, we need you to be point guard, you said,

this team's not going to work. This is a failed project. I don't even know if we're going to get double digits today. Yeah. It was tough. But I would play the three. Yeah, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know why, but you talking about needing to be the point guard made me think of the fact that I've been watching this six-part series on the Founding Fathers. Okay. boy, there was a lot of stuff I didn't know about what was going on. Like what? There was one of the guys at the Constitutional Congress. He was, I forget his name, but he had a peg leg and he was like a playboy. And like the big rumor about him was that allegedly he lost his leg in a carriage accident.

But the rumor, his whole life, was that he actually lost his leg jumping out of a window because a woman's husband came home that he was sleeping with. And like, apparently all the women were crazy for this peg leg guy. I also learned, by the way, that Benjamin Franklin, when we sent him to Paris to try and get the French to fight the British with us. For sure. Which makes a lot of sense. No, I remember that.

When we sent him to Paris, I guess he was like a total ladies man and everyone loved Ben Frank. You know, obviously the founding founders were getting fucked. Like, you don't have the confidence to found a nation if you're not getting it in. Also, just imagine that you're like a young French woman and this like revolutionary guy from America comes to town who's like stately and like speaks other languages. And by the way, is like actively fucking over the British who you hate. I bet it was so hot.

And I think he was tall. They called him Moncheree Papa. They loved him. Moncheree Papa. I like that. And then I went down a Google hole and I learned that there was a musical about Benjamin Franklin going to Paris

called Benjamin Franklin goes to Paris. Where are you watching this on? Netflix. Okay, cool. Yeah, cool. Shout out. Shout out Netflix saying Little Brother with John Cina and Eric Andre.

Thank you guys for a lot. Number one on Netflix for a very long time. Thank you. I auditioned for a few roles. Did you? Which ones? Mia, of course. Yeah, the girl that, the love interest and then the nurse that gets fucked or fucks.

The nurse. Oh, yeah. Wow, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because they call, I hate when they call to double check and they go, are you fine with nudity? And I went absolutely. Yeah. And then I had another audition where they're like, are you, because it was a Botox injector

and they call and they're like, are you okay with needles? I go for sure. Like they get, I wish they didn't ask follow up questions. Yeah, yeah. They go, just to make sure you're free on Tuesday. You have $3,000. Yeah. I'm like, oh my God.

Can you go yes to both? And they go, okay, cool. Like, fuck. Yeah, weren't you just sending nudes to the team? Well, yeah. Oh, sorry. Are we not supposed to? Sorry.

Sorry, we'll bleep that. We'll believe it, but yeah, I'm going to be in. You were sending nudes to a TV producer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They picked me. I'm going to be in this TV show. Uncredited and not paid, but my photos. But I'm going to be in the fandom, and hopefully I can rile,

up when the season comes out enough commotion that they'll maybe write me in for the next one, because I know they're picked up for two more. Yeah, hell yeah. But yeah. And then they also like, yeah, they sent over panties. I had to do some stuff with. A PA picked them up. It was like, really.

You had to do some stuff with some panties? Yeah, but I was so creative. It was like good. What did you creatively do with the panties? I took photo, because I didn't want to wear them, but I wanted, like, if someone's going to sniff panties, they should be felt like they've. been used. Yeah.

And so I kind of like put my legs in the air and had him like on my legs a little bit. But I have bruised knees at the moment. So it looks kind of hot. You know what I mean? Why do you have bruised knees at the moment? I'm in the streets. Lisa. I'm in the streets.

Do you have bruised knees from giving head? Well, I also like, well, you know, I was crawling up the apartment stairs. And my building super caught me. No, but I've also just been being injured. I hit like the, uh, the point. Sometimes I'm so excited to get into SoulCycle that I'll like hit something. I'll hit my knees on the pedals and stuff. Like, I'll, like, rush in there to get my weights and I'll hit, yeah, I like hit my knees.

There's so much to talk about. But a few summers ago, I fell a lot. A few summers ago was not the thing that's not talked about. You texted me recently and said, okay, first of all, let's just talk about what's occurred with you. Okay, so he did rivalry change my life, and we all know this. And it inspired me in many ways. I started reading. I started having a therapy.

Got to be one of the craziest results, yeah. I started rushing. lessons, just enrichment. I'm trying to get out there, flirt, like break free from my, whatever was holding me back from intimacy. Like, I really hadn't been hooking up in, like, years, I would say. And I want to say, by the way, our whole friendship, this is something we've been talking about, working on, thinking through, strategizing about.

Yeah. And then a couple weeks ago, I took you and our friend AJ, AJ Maraquin, friend of the pod, to dinner. And at that dinner, you were unfucked. You were like, I've not fucked. I haven't fucked in years, whatever. Yeah. And then since that dinner...

I've hooked up with... Well, I've went on one date that didn't end in anything, but I've hooked up now five times in like a month, in a month. Yay. And not all from the internet. And one person in Minnesota, just from the streets. But I was trying to make more eye contact. I was working on that in hypnotherapy.

And so I was at a bar making eye contact with a guy. And then he started walking. I thought he was walking over to me. And then he walked. right out of the bar. But rejection shouldn't matter. You know, like, that's part of everything. I think I had, like, fears with that.

So I've just been putting myself out there. I stopped smoking weed all day, every day, which kind of opened me up to the world in a better way, I think. You haven't really been smoking weed in the sunlight, which I'm loving. Yes. Yeah. I wake up. Like, because I'll land from a trip and be like, wait, I would have been stoned this

whole flight. I didn't even think about it. I would have smoked before I got into the Uber. Like, I, like, I just, I keep remembering. because sometimes I do like hit the, like, a joint at the end of the night. And then I still have to appreciate the growth because I'm like, I would be thinking about weed all day every day. Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah, I've been having sex. I've been going out. And then, of course, World Cup fever, which you're upset about. Before we get into World Cup, because this is starting to ruin our relationship. But it's almost done by. It needs to stop. I'm like, your lust for life, like, gets to a point.

Your lust for life is so beautiful to me and I love it about you. and then there'll be like a random three-week period where you're obsessed with something that's ruining my life. Because I can't see you because you're like, Caleb, I'm so sorry. There's a Czechoslovakian like slinky tournament that I've been following.

And so I can only hang out from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. I am going to Moni Carlo at the end of the month. For what? I'm playing in the world championships of backgammon in the intermediate and women's division. I have a lesson with the Grandmaster this week. He sent me the book. He owns the tournament, so he is waiving the fees.

Yeah. Because he wants me there. It's another job. My agents are like, can you just find a job that's going to pay? Because I'm not getting paid for this. But I wouldn't call it a job even. We're going to record some stuff. But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because we're hopefully going to make, we're going to do a short and then hopefully get funding to do a full-length feature doc of me getting ready for the next year's world championships. Okay. But I've been playing backgam in my whole life. Okay, I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. I've been playing my whole life. But I'm mostly just in the home. and then I've been going to a couple

club nights and then there's a backgammon bar I still haven't hit up but I think I might find true love there and then I've been playing online but I was watching soccer alone Friday night at a bar and a girl had a backgammon set in her purse Oh my God. Talked a big game but I obviously beat her immediately

3-0 like in one round like and then I was like do you want to play again and she said no and put it away but I want to play with better people so yeah but I have a few weeks to like get ready So basically But winter, Liz, I'll be in Monty Carlo. Right. You will be in Monty Carlo.

Yeah. Basically, back to the other point, which is that we went to this dinner. Yeah. And then you texted me maybe a couple days later and said, I hooked up with a guy from field. He made me crawl up the stairs of my building. I loved it. And I did not like the crawling. I like love it.

That really upset me. No, I've been like mad at all my hookups since then. I'm like, is no one going to make me crawl? Like, what the fuck? I'm like, God, these losers. But the first guy is obviously like a maniac, but this last guy, he, like, commented on some of the stuff around my apartment. Because I was thinking after my first hookup, I'm like,

he hasn't commented on any of my art or knick-knacks. Like, that's so annoying. And then this guy didn't like you. He made you crawl. Yeah, yeah, I know. But this guy, he's like, oh, I like those sharks. And I go, oh, I like you complimenting my stuff. He's like, oh, I could do that for you.

So after we hooked up, he, he, like, walked around my apartment and told me everything he liked in it. And I, like, love that. That is your dream. Yeah, it was. That's actually something you want me to do when I come over. Yeah, and everyone's texted me afterwards, so I like that. That feels nice.

Oh, all the guys have texted you afterwards. The next day, yeah. And then hopefully I could fuck a girl soon. It's just harder. Is it harder to fuck girls? Yeah, men are a lot easier. I do, that I do believe. Men are so easy to fuck.

That I do believe. It's been my experience. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you're one of my icons in this. I have a few, like, gay men in my life that are coaching, training, send me bar recs, where to meet, what to do. And it's been really nice. Well, it's a beautiful, I think, I feel really, I feel weirdly accomplished that you're in this era.

It feels like something I've been working on for years. I feel like I've really been. Because that must be annoying, like listening to someone complain about the same thing for a long time without improvement. Not annoying at all. No, I'm just excited to see you out there. And I feel a little bit like your backgammon grandmaster or whatever the fuck his name is. Oh, no, he's married and I hope he doesn't cheat on his wife. I'm so sorry.

I meant that I feel like a coach to you. Oh, yeah. Not that I want you to fuck the backgammon guy at all. Sorry, no, I was talking about a different thing. Drawing parallels. No, you've coached me a lot. And then the next, the final frontier will be like asking someone out in the wild. Yeah.

Yeah. So that'll be like huge. Crazy to think that that comes after crawling, but I love it. The worst is my building super catching me. I'm like, why are you doing work this late at night? He caught you crawling? He caught me outside my apartment and went out of, sometimes he ignores me on the streets. And this time he went out of his way to make sure that he to say hello.

You were mid-crawl? I was like, yeah, I was. And what did he, did you have to like sneak past you? Was he like, oh, just got to. I can't believe this happened. But I was, I'm like this unit and he was up the stairs leaving that unit. And I just, he went, hi. And I turned around with my dingling.

And I went, hey. And then I opened my door fast. While your hands and knees. And you went, hey. And then I stood up and opened my door and shuffled. this will, you know, degenerate in there. Do you think there's any chance there's cameras in the building and he's been seeing you do the crawls?

No, because, you know, I've complained about other things and there hasn't been evidence. I know where the cameras are. I'm certain you've complained about other things. Yeah, but I help the building and if it wasn't for me, no one would get their packages. I'm there buzzing people in, opening the door for Amazon guys. I'll see them at the coffee shop. I'll run out. I'll get you in there.

Yeah. I'm like, make sure everyone gets stuff. But if things are broken and I like, I get involved. Yeah, of course. You're like a community manager in that way. I try to. Yeah. But also one of my hookups.

my neighbors were outside smoking weed, so then they were like, get it, girl. And then the next day we got to recap at the coffee shop. And so that felt so cute. They were like, oh, my God, what happened? And so I really liked that too. I crawled, I crawled. No, this guy that was the nicer one. I complimented my sharks.

Yeah, he complimented my stuff. Yeah. And, like, cared. But the guy with the crawling, we fucked for like three and a half hours. Really? Yeah. That's completely beautiful. Yeah.

That's completely beautiful. And it was my first time in year. Like, I really went full full. force. Yeah. And then now I've been, yeah, pulling back.

I'm seeing a guy tonight that, uh, we didn't talk for a long time because I hit him up. We, we like, we used to hook up regularly. Yeah. And he's really cool.

And I like him. And we would like hang out before and after and like, he's a fun guy. And I had texted him and he didn't respond. I texted him at like midnight and was like, do you want to come over? That's what we do. And he didn't respond to me for like three days.

And so I texted and I was like, hey, sorry if I, uh, like if you didn't want me to text you late at night or something. I just, It's not like you do not text back. Just want to make sure you're okay.

Yeah. And he was like, hey, I'm so sorry. I'm okay. I just started seeing somebody. Oh. And I was like, oh, cool. Well, we can still like be friends or whatever. And he was like, yeah, I think I'm just going to kind of like focus on this thing.

And I was like, totally cool. And then he hit me up recently. So I guess the thing has ended. But I'm seeing him tonight again for the first time and a long time. And I'm very excited. Okay. And how long ago was that midnight text? Like maybe two, three months.

Oh, okay. And where are you meeting? Probably just my house. Okay. Yeah, I'm excited. Yeah. It's to be fun. But yeah, it's fun.

Well, then I was. I did tell, you know, because some people have been invested in my journey, so I see Ian Laura. He's, you know, fun guy, and he's, and I go, guess what? You'll be so proud of me. I'm going to hook, and he goes, I'm actually, like, worried for your safety. It seems like you're kind of like really going hardcore. Like, are you sure?

And I go, well, no, Sydney has been tracking me, and I text her before and after, so she knows I'm safe. He goes, Sydney's not going to help you. He goes, that's not the person that you should be having as your emergency contact. Cindy's in the house eating candy. She's not... Not responding. She's not going to be coming to your location.

No. Yeah. Yeah. But it's been a whole new world. It just feels different. I'm really excited. And I've been going to plays, concerts, dinners. I've been taking nights off.

I'm not doing seven spots a night, you know, for another reason. I'm really like, yeah, it's been cool. Night's off is really huge. I'm proud of you. Well, because, you know, my hypnosis. therapist definitely was like, hey, you need a real therapist. I can't really handle you alone. And so I was at a deep dark depression maybe two months ago, but it seems like fun sailing

from here. Also, you talking about like your neighbors being outside smoking when your hookup came over and then debriefing at the downstairs coffee shop in the morning? I'm like, they're really, I don't ever want to cross into the territory of being someone who's like, life is only special in New York. I don't believe that. Yeah. But there is a vestige of community living that exists in New York that, like, is barely

happening in the rest of the country. Oh, I walked in... It's happening, some places, but it's barely. I walked in my coffee shop yesterday. I unfortunately have been staying out until three, four in the morning. So I was so hungover. They could tell. And they went, sit down.

And I got a beer, a glass bottle of seltzer and iced coffee just in a row. You got a beer in the morning. Yeah. I needed it. I needed it because I had to be... I had to start working at 11. So, like, I needed a jolt back. Yeah.

You know, when you're only sleeping three, four hours, you're not feeling... Yeah. You see... There is judgment right now. feel it. I'm going to come off like a loser when I say this and I know that, but morning beer is going to go ahead and be a red flag for me. I'm going to worry about morning beer. That doesn't

change anything for me personally, but I'm also not a drinker, so I understand maybe if you were shaky and you needed to even out. That's shaky. Definitely not shaky. Just need one before I can drive or whatever. I guess that's... I wasn't even thinking about it. I was just going on for ice coffee. The employees

they set me up. Oh, the employees were like, ma'am, you have to have a you know what this reminds me of is when I was interning in New York the first time I had these we had high school students that lived in these dorms and we like put them to bed every night and we're like go to your room don't come out until the morning and if they snuck out they got kicked out of the program because it's New York City and they're from foreign countries and it's unsafe and and they're also children and we had two kids come back really drunk one night and we were like hey so obviously you reek of booze and you're extremely drunk and

they're like we have never had a drink and we were like you're extremely drunk and then finally they admitted that they were drunk and we were like, what happened? Where did you go? Where did you get alcohol? And they were like, honestly, we did not want to drink. A homeless person forced us to drink. Like he made us drink alcohol even though we didn't want to and we were really scared because we don't know about homeless people.

And we were like, hey, so those are like some of the most like marginalized people in society. And they're not sharing their booze. They're not sharing their booze. And they did not force you to get drunk and that's a really evil thing to say. And then they like started weeping and they were like, hey, we did it. They were like, so, it's fine. You're just going home, that's all. Like, relax.

Yeah, but you know, you don't know what happens in their home. These are rich kids. What happens in their home is that the parents are not surprised they got kicked out for drinking. I would imagine. Maybe they get hit. I don't know. There was, I was underage trying to get booze and we gave a poorer person. I don't know where he lived, maybe at the shelter, but like not crushing it.

But we gave him money to buy us vodka and a mixer. And he came out with like a two liter of RC Cola and then a little flasker. and then a little flask of pop-off vodka. And it's like the diff, we wanted the opposite. Maybe a can of soda and a handle. But I was like, he scammed us and good for him. Good for him in a big way. Good for him.

And I hope he got all the booze he wanted. I sure hope he did. Honestly, I'm so in support of, there was an unhoused guy in Manhattan recently. I was seeing a friend's show and I was outside. And he goes, we're like right next to a bodega. Yeah. And he goes, you know, he's asking everybody,

can you get me something? Can you get me something? Or can you give me cash? And he goes, hey, brother, can I get some cash? And I go, I don't have any cash on me, but if you want, I can grab you something to eat and drink. And he goes, yeah, yeah, that'd be good. And I go, okay, cool, I'll just hop in here. What do you want?

He goes, no, no, come down the block. I like this one better. He didn't want me to go to that bodega. But why wouldn't he stand next to the one he wanted? For sure. I was like, that's really fucking annoying. Did you go with it? Yeah, I was like, okay, so we went to his bodega.

And then I went in and I was like, what do you want? He was like, hot coffee and ice cream. And I was like, for sure, that's not substantive at all, but sounds good. I would probably want the same. So I go in, I get him a hot coffee, I get him, I forget what kind of ice cream he'd ask for, but they didn't have it. And I got him something else. And I come out and he goes, he goes, that's not the ice cream I asked for. And I was like, I know they didn't have the kind you asked for.

And he was like, they always have the kind I ask for. And I go, then come in here with me and get it. And he goes, I'm not allowed in there. And I was like, all right, man, then you have to eat this fucking ice cream. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. And he was like, all right, have a good night. I get it.

You know, they have so little control in their lives. Totally. I would be so fucking rude if I was homeless. Yeah, it actually like turned one of my friendships once because someone said, yeah, have you ever given a homeless person something and they don't want it? And it's like maybe you're not hungry enough. And I went, or maybe they're like lactose intolerant.

Like I can't. They're allowed to still have like dietary restrictions. Or even just interests or like whatever. And it's, I really haven't looked at this person the same. Homelessness is actually like one of the great, like you learn more about your friends that you didn't expect to when homelessness comes up than almost anything. It's very rare that a friend You find out they're like a secret racist or something

That's very rare But it's pretty often that someone you think you know Will be like, oh yeah, homeless people are vermin You're like, whoa! What the fuck? It's so, yeah, it's really crazy. It happened once in Seattle where I was doing bumbershoot

And a girl was giving... You were doing what? Oh, it was like a festival, sorry. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? I think they went under but I got to see ludicrous that year and blondie. It was like pretty fun. They went bumber.

But on the way out, someone was giving a homeless person in Nature Valley and he was rejecting it and she started screaming at him and then another friend had to get involved and be like, he doesn't have teeth. Like, that's a hard bar, you know what I mean? You can't gum the Nature Valley Bar. That's what I learned that lesson. Like, I guess I never thought about that either,

but so everyone has to learn but like for your instinct to be... Well, I learned this in high school. Has no one seen pursuit of happiness? Like, I don't get it. In high school when we volunteered, like we would do like a volunteer thing with the food pantry and they would always have to be like, please stop bringing the same fucking three items. People that need food do not need box mac and cheese and fucking pumpkin.

Pumpkin, canned pumpkin. They would keep bringing canned pumpkin. Oh, it even gets worse than that. I do volunteer at that New York City Food Bank and during Thanksgiving, you have to go through all the donations because people are crazy. Expired two years, five years, like just expired cans. Yeah. And I don't get that instinct. It's really strange.

It's really strange. I don't love it. Something positive is happening in my life right now that I'd like to share with you. What? I figured out breakfast. Okay. Yeah, I figured out breakfast. I want to say one more thing about the homelessness issues.

That's okay. Have you seen Whoopi Goldberg's SVU episode? I was kind of done talking about it, but now I'll get back to it. Whoopi Goldberg has an SVU episode? Yeah, season 17, institutional fail. Oh, yeah, where she runs the shelter? Yeah, no, well, she's like bat, but she has this moment on the stand, and it is just chilling.

and I think about it all the time. What happens? It's basically like she works at Child Protective Services and flopped and like a child, you know, a child dies because of her. So, but then she goes, how dare you blame me when all you do is walk around and ignore the like horrors of the world and pretend it doesn't exist and then throw all of that at fucking me? And it's just it.

I'm getting chills talking about it. Like she just, um, it's such a good actor and it's such a good monologue and I think about it a lot. Isn't there a show right now called the Whoopie monologues or the Whoopie? Oh, I don't know. There's like a live show, like a Broadway show or something. Oh. The Whoopi Something Something's.

We'll be monologues. We should go together. She's still my favorite Oscar host. I would love that. Let's go. Let's go to the show. Wait, but tell me about breakfast. I figured out breakfast.

And? Oh, my God. I'm feeling electric about it. Breakfast has been a long, terrifying situation in my life. Oh. I hate breakfast. My favorite meal. I have never liked it and I can never get myself to do anything for it.

And I finally figured out breakfast. And here's what's been really working for me. Okay? Multi-grained toast with peanut butter and cut up bananas. Electric. Multi-grained toast with peanut butter and cut-up bananas is electric to me. I'm really, really, really loving it. Also, three to four slices of turkey bacon.

Okay. Wow. Loving it, electric, completely awesome. Doesn't make my stomach hurt. It makes me feel really full. And then either some eggs or a fig bar. Really, or also orange juice and coffee. And how are the eggs?

A lot of coffee. Eggs, it kind of depends. I'm always trying to do over medium. I'm usually ending up with scrambled. Okay. Because I fuck it up. Okay. Yeah.

I try to flip it and it's like, well, now we're doing scrambling. So you're cooking. But this is the thing is like, this has been my big barriers. I've always been like cooking is too much of an event. It needs to be like a Saturday where I have the afternoon off or something. No, yesterday I realized I don't even have plates. I got a little microwave Celeste pizza for nostalgia and I had to put it on a plastic lid for a bowl I had and it obviously melted. I ate plastic last night.

You realized you don't have plates. Because usually I had paper ones. but I've run out and then I was like, oh, I don't even have a plate in my whole apartment. I open every drawer. I had no plates. But I don't have room. Don't buy me plates. I don't want plates.

Don't send me a plate. I'm not ready to live that life, but it was crazy. You're not ready to have plates? I just don't have room. I know. Well, the thing is you get mad at me when I talk about your apartment, but then you constantly bring up things that make me... I actually brought it up to them before you got here.

That I was going to talk about the apartment? No, that you hate it so much. I want you to live better than that. don't like you in that apartment. It really stresses me out. I'll get a bigger unit one day. I just want you to... I'm like, okay, you love the neighborhood. Let's move anywhere within two to three blocks.

There's got to be a good apartment somewhere over there. I know. I just love it. I really don't like it. It makes me really stressed out. And the tub was having issues, but the plumber came and it fixed immediately. So that was nice. What was the issues with the tub? Just so it wasn't draining as quickly as I would like... Oh, that's not a big deal, actually.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't want you in that apartment anymore. I really don't like it. and now to hear that you don't have room for plates is like obviously extremely distressing. Yeah. I have like too many commemorative like mugs and glasses that I don't drink or use because they're like commemorative. I know. You live a trinket heavy lifestyle.

You live an extremely trinket-laden lifestyle. Yeah, but I have a new bookshelf you haven't seen yet and it's organized really beautifully. Really? By color or by title? Well, it's by vibes. Okay. And because there's other stuff and then some books are over there. But like I stack the, it's like, it's more visual than, yeah.

Yeah, okay. I support this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I'm moving. No. I got a new apartment. I'm moving next week. You're really moving constantly.

That is true. And I'm trying to stop. Are you not sick of it? Of course I'm sick of it. I mean, I don't, look, do I do much of it anymore? No. Are you going to have a final rager on the patio? No.

I don't think so. Sorry, no. What about it just like a game night? Sure, you can come over for a game night, at least. I want to say bye to the, space. We don't have to come over this weekend. It's happening this fast?

I'm moving next Wednesday. I might be going to Fire Island this weekend as well. It's a whole thing. Bowen is inviting me. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm so excited to be invited. Joshua Sharp will be there.

Yeah, I enjoy him. Josh Sharp is one of the most special people we have. I actually just the other day got served in my Instagram feed, an old clip of Josh on the podcast where we were talking about randomly we both have straight guy fans and Josh is so fucking quick I said Josh what do you think these straight guys get from us what do you think that they get from being fans of ours

split second he goes head from their girlfriends and the sick thing is I knew exactly what he said I'm a fan I'm a K-Lesbred I know you did I don't know how you keep up with you're not a K-lesbian until you start fire you do not call yourself a K-lesbian when you got men marching you up the stairs

on your hands and knees I know I did hook up with a girl in Sacramento in February but no sex. What does that mean? Just a hookup in the green room. They were just too big of a fan and they knew too much about me. So it was just a little bit uncomfortable.

Some of my favorite hookups have been green room hookups. Yeah, but we did get to hook up in the green room and I like that. I didn't hook up in the green room much on the last room. And then the parking lot of the strip mall I perform in, you know? You hooked up in the parking lot as well? Just like kissing or she was touching your stuff? Or you were touching her stuff? Yeah, there was like tit action.

But I just think it's like you listen to every podcast. I'm on. You can't also see like my post. see. It's like too much for me. I don't have rules like that. No, I know. That is why you're my grandmaster. I like, I am trying to learn. I'm trying to be more out there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sleeping with a fan this weekend. Set it up. Already in Fire Island you've set the hookup up. No, no, no, before I go to Fire Island. Oh, okay. He's going to be in New York and I said, come on over. Yes.

We'll get a drink first. Yes. Drink first. Okay. Wait, where are you moving in the same neighborhood or a different neighbor? You don't have to say. Different neighborhood. I don't want to be moving.

What do you want? Yeah, why is this happening? But I low-key think that my building might have mold, and I think it might be the reason I'm getting strep every month. Now, I heard you can get it from sucking dick. You can get it from eating ass. And sucking dick. You can get, that's not as big of a deal, but I, in my life.

Oh, got it. I was like, you know, I do know someone that just got suck dick strep. Dude, the most recent time that I got, I have strep right now. And the strep I have right now, don't worry, I'm not contagious. I'm on the antibiotics. The strep I have right now, I got six hours out. after I really diligently ate someone's ass. Whoa.

I think it's related. I also think it might be the mold in my building. I floated both of these things to the E&T, and she was like, I don't really think either of them are, she's like, I think you have big tonsils and they need to be taken out. And I was like, okay, well, what if I eat ass less diligently and get an air purifier?

And she was like, I guess you could do that. I just don't think, I don't know that that's going to solve it. And I was like, all right, well, I'm going to try it. How long are you going to put off? Like, how many more times will you get strong? DREP before you do the surgery. They really like for you to have it seven times in a year before you get the surgery. Okay.

That's good. That's good. You can get it before that if you want. And where are you at? I am on number four or five. And how long does it take you out? It is some of the most harrowing and excruciating three days I ever have. It's really, really bad.

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All you have to do is download the build app, then link any credit or debit card to the app so purchases your local spots become even more rewarding. We love rewards. And for the homeowners out there, built works for mortgages too. Your housing payment is one of your biggest monthly expenses, so why wouldn't you want to earn points on it? Download the build app and join the membership for where you live at JoinBilt. com slash so true that's j-o-im-b-l-t dot com slash so true use our link so they know we sent you and what are the positive features of this new place the positive features are i don't think it has mold yeah it very well could i really really hope that it doesn't mold is so insidious and scary

and you don't really know about it you just kind of get sick slowly um i don't think it has mold it's really close to some things that i like um that i'll tell you about off camera i guess um it also is way bigger. I'm going to have a guest room again. Nice. I avoided having a guest room for a long time because I struggled with saying no to people. I've gotten way better at that, so now I feel comfortable having a guest room again. Yeah.

Oh my God, I was just talking to someone. I wish I remembered who it was, but they had to say like, no, I'm having this. And they kept being like, well, that's okay, I'll just do this. And they're like, oh, no, like they had to say it like four times. I'm so sorry, I don't understand what you're saying. I honestly, I started saying it and then I realized, I don't remember any of the details.

But I kept pushing. What you said to me was, I was talking to this person either. I don't remember who it was, but they had to say no, like 15 times. And I'm like, I don't understand who,

to whom, about what? No, I know. In what context? No, I know. I know.

Like, they let a friend stay and then that friend told people, oh yeah, they let anyone stay. And so then someone hit them. So someone hit them. up and they're like, well, no, not anyone. It was just

you, but that other person wouldn't take a no for an answer. And it was like, how embarrassing. Yeah, that doesn't happen with me. No, I think people listen to you. Yeah, I don't like that kind of stuff. Yeah. That would not be nice. I mean, you texted me last time we went to dinner

and said, you better dress nice. And I did. I put on a new dress and I think a heel. Lisa, oh my God. I texted you and A.J. I was like, I was like jokingly like, you guys better not show up looking bad or something. Yeah, but you know that's what I'm sexually into. So I listened immediately.

I wasn't trying to turn you on. Because the guy that made me crawl also told me what to wear on the day and I liked it. I wasn't trying to turn you on. I had no idea of it was sexual for you. You never do. I wasn't trying to get you dressed anyway. You walked in with facial hair today and I went, oh wow. Yeah, you said I think we could do something really special when you saw my little

stubble. Yeah. Some people don't like it. Some people are writing to me on Instagram and saying she shave it, I'm going to throw up. What the fuck? I feel like most of your people are positive. What is this negativity they have? towards you. There's a lot of negativity towards me. It's mostly positive, though. I'm cool with it.

But I like more when people are like your facial hair's hot. I want to sleep with you. That's the cooler way to talk to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't ever talk to me in a different way than that. That's the best way to talk to me. Number one way to talk to me. Got to be positive. Or I like the guy that you said was just like, hey, I'm a fan. Like your work. Can I suck your dick? And like you were like Pledge of Allegiance. And we have had a beautiful friendship since then. Really? Yeah, we talked to him yesterday. Great guy. Salt to the Earth. Really good guy. I love his work.

Beautiful, beautiful young man. A lot of beautiful qualities and features. I just love him. I think the world of him. I wish the best for him. Yeah. He deleted Grindr. Because you're in his life?

No, no, no, no. He deleted Grindr, and he texts me, don't worry, you're still on the roster. And I said, oh, well, I'm not worried about that. Oh, so exciting. So exciting. Yeah. I need to get a roster.

Yeah, I need to ask someone out in the world, in person. Do you want to practice? And get a roster. I know. It could be fun. We did it. We've done it on the show before. What do you mean?

We've done role play on the show before. Okay, okay. It can be a really healthy exercise. Okay, how about this? I'm your soul cycle instructor. Girls! Come on! Well, you know I'm going through...

Well, now I'm going through a hard time right now. What? Because Taylor Swift had an ICE detention center owner at her wedding, so... I do know that. I covered the sticker on my phone. In her defense, there's no one she didn't have at her wedding. Besides Blake lively. I think the only reason she invited...

so many people is to make sure Blake lively and Kelly Teller knew how disliked they were. Kelly Teller. Miles Teller's wife. They were best friends for a while too. Okay. I think you're a little deep on this stuff. Yeah, no, my algorithm is new to me. It's only been one day of not listening to Taylor Swift. Yeah, so you're getting a new algorithm now? Not yet, but

there's still, but I think, um, but I think she, yeah, it's really crazy how many people were there. But the ICE detention center really, like, upset me. I know you're really upset about this because you offered to give away your cardigans and a text me and AJ. You said if either of you guys want my Taylor Swift cardigans, I'm done with her. Yeah.

It's really tough. That's a big statement from a girl like you. I know, I might keep one of them. The 1989 one is so beautiful. It's such a good one. No. It has seagulls on the back. Do you oppose ice or not?

I oppose ice. Yeah, it's like the homeless stuff. If you don't believe in like free lunch for kids and if you're into privatized prison, I just like those are my hard lines. Those are just my hard lines. get down with a lot of other stuff, but that's pretty much the big ones. I can see a lot of different perspectives on a lot of things, but those I can't. Yeah. Children, everyone should eat. Yeah, I've been saying. Everyone should have access to food and no one should make a profit off prison.

I really fully agree with you. You know you've got a friend in me. Yeah, and I can't believe. But if you have a thousand people at your wedding, like, do you kiss and say hi to everyone? Like, I do wonder how many people you do say hi to. I think you kind of treat it like a, um, you kind like a show. Like you wait until everyone's seated, you go out, you do the thing, and then you leave through a back door. You don't think she danced with her friends? I'm kidding. I'm sure she danced on her friends. Yeah. Are you still writing to Luigi? Um, no. Well, he actually had some hearing. I don't know if he pled guilty or not. There's, um, there's some stuff happening on, I think, one of the levels, but the, they're not, they're not even to pick the jury till

2027 now. It's like really fucked up. And then he's just in jail. This is not right. No. And like, that's why. He has a right to a speedy trial. I know. So, wait, you think pleading guilty is on the table? It has been on one of the things because people have been DMing me, but I've just been so busy with the World Cup that I haven't been able to function in other ways of life. Yeah, I know. Training. But I don't know why you're mad.

I mean, also, Kansas City is a big part. Kansas is a huge part. They're hosting Algeria. It's been beautiful. It was cool to have Algeria. I loved the people in Lawrence talking about it. I don't like how unavailable you become when you find a new obsession. But you could join me.

I'm not watching soccer. I have had to draw the line out of soccer games. Yeah. I got really into the Knicks. I've been a team player. Yeah. I'm drawing the line at the World Cup. Dude, I had so much fun with the Knicks.

I was in Times Square. I know you were. I was in the, I was in Chinatown. Wasn't it fun? It was electric. I totally loved it. The World Cup, I just can't. It's a stone too far.

It's too much. I also, look, here's the reality. New York just had, in thousands of years when humanity is like almost done and aliens are here and were coexisting. They will tell stories about June 2026 in New York City. Yeah. They will still be talking about June in New York City in 2026. We had a beautiful electric magnetic month.

And you want it to end. I am so tired. July needs to be a period of rest, shame, reflection, and reprioritizing, frankly. And I can't add a new bandwagon sports obsession to my plate at the moment due to everything that went down in June. I see that until the sun rose multiple times in June. That's not the kind of guy I am. Okay? I'm like the little fucking gay frogs from the book.

I was going to pull back and then I saw someone go. it only happens once every four years we got to lean in and I went, you're right. And so I went in harder. The World Cup? I didn't know it only happened every four years. Yeah, and it was so fun. I watched, I caught the Morocco game on an outdoor TV outside of a weed shop, like on my walk, they had outdoor TV. So I was like, oh, I'll stand and watch this game for a little bit.

So New York, the halal cart guy, I would see him lock it up, run, watch a little bit, and then at commercial run back getting his cart. And I was like, this is the best city in the world. That's completely beautiful. It was really cool. I was at a bar for like nine hours. Yeah, well, T-Mexico, but yeah, now Norway. I've been collecting McDonald's has been having a lot of World Cup stuff, so I've been collecting those items as well.

Yeah, okay. I'm really happy for you in some ways. I just, I don't want it to affect my time. And it has it. You've really rejected every offer. You've been outward with your disgust, of course. Not discussed. I just, I think, yeah, I want to see you in a different context than that.

But I also like the gay kissing. Like, I like how much they touch. There was one guy... They're not kissing. Well, no, one guy got injured and another guy from another team while he was like down there kissed him right here

on the back of the neck. They jump into each other's arms or giving each other piggyback rides. I'll start sending you the gay stuff. And so like now I'm about to start reading some soccer smut because I am like... And then this...

The reason Saturday is going to be so huge is because the main hot blonde from Norway, he actually plays in England. So he's about to play against his best friend and all of his friends. so that's going to be like huge. But him and that best friend, like, they protect the goalies.

And so, like, he'll, they like, one of them's doing an interview and the other one kisses him on the cheek. Like, I just like seeing men kiss and they do it in soccer. Yeah, I also like seeing men kiss. And then there's, like, the new McDonald's cup I got with the guy from Spain. He has a little brother who's really cute. Like, I'm into all of these stories as well. Yeah.

So it's not even about the game. I'm not really focused on the action of the game. I do know that you're going to find ways to make it. an entire like cinematic universe. I do know that. Yeah, I know that you find the stories. And I love that about you.

And there's a lot of corruption, of course. And then Cabo Verde, I mean, there are a tiny island, half a million people there. They got their players on LinkedIn. People were ignoring their messages thinking it was spam.

Like one guy plays second string and they, they changed everything. How did they change everything? Well, tourism's going to go up. Like, people know where Cabo Verde is. You know what I mean? Like, that's huge.

Yeah. So it's like new small countries were included in this World Cup that have never been before thinking they would be easy prey. And instead, this goalie at 40 years old at his first World Cup went head to head with Spain, blocked 27 goals.

Spain had possession of the ball, 75% of the game. He went head to head with Messi, who's the greatest in the world. And they're like, I was watching him as a fan. Like after the game, they all took selfies. Like, they couldn't believe. He blocked Messi's shots.

Like, it's like playing against Michael Jordan. and like going toe to toe and making him nervous. Like it was, and, you know, to have the whole world cheer for a tiny place of people that play in club leagues. They're not even professional. They're not even professionals. And now they can have careers. Their country's going to have like so much money in tourism. It's like cool.

And they're going to get fucked. They're going to be getting fucked. They're going to work. Did they win? No. But tourism's up, baby. But they did win overall with the store. And now, hopefully, they're going to start training.

So now they're going to be a competitor. They're a country of like, yeah, it's so small. But they won in spirit and an inspiration. And the fact that they even made it to the next round, no one saw that coming. No one saw that coming. Okay. But also just like this hot guy who's 40 just like blocking these shots. It was just, yeah.

It was nice. Well, what else are you thinking about? What else is going on with you? Well, I'll talk about breakfast as well. We can go back to that. Are you doing breakfast? You have 80,000 minutes ago. Are you doing breakfast?

I love eggs. It is probably in my top five favorite foods. I love eating eggs. How you doing them? I like them when they're like fucking gooey as fuck with little toast points. I'll do egg and cheese. I'll do over easy, over medium poached. I don't give a fuck.

Benedict and a burrito, hard boiled with a little salt. I love eggs. I want to start making jammy eggs. Yeah. I would never, again, I'm not making any of this. I would never do that, but. There's this restaurant in Kansas City that I love called Chewology that has these, like, Asian, it's basically an Asian deviled egg,

and it is so fucking good. I think about it all the time. With like a chili crisp. Shout out to Chewology. Yeah, you can get chili crisp on the side, but it's like fried onions and like, it's so fucking good. Oh, I was just in Houston. their art museum is

incredible if you're ever there the modern I was I cried so many I've been crying a lot more since I stopped smoking weed the emotions are so big yeah but they have a Michelin Star restaurant in there and I had like a deviled egg with a row on it it was so fucking

what have you been crying about just the beauty of the paintings the colors like thinking about like them inventing these colors and like I don't know who works at the Houston Museum but the placards were gorgeous like well-written, beautiful quotes, and I just couldn't believe

that my life brought me accidentally to some of the most beautiful art that's ever been created. And then I'm having a Michelin Star meal. They're like, are you celebrating something? I don't even know I was going to be here today. Just being alive. I was going to go to CVS.

Like, that was my plan for the day. My plan was I forgot soap. And so I was like, I need to go buy soap and maybe I'll hit the elliptical and go to the pool. And then I was like, wait. And then 10 minutes later, I'm in a Kusama room. bawling, you know, thinking about her, like all these men stole her ideas, like everything she's been through and now just like we're all connected in these infinite rooms of light all over.

It's like, yeah, I can't believe it. Sounds completely beautiful. Yeah. I'm completely forgetting if we've talked about your feelings on the afterlife. Do you know what happens when we die? I hope something fun. I really want to have a good time. Yeah.

Oh, and I've been crying. I read Song of Achilles. Cried for like an hour and a half. You cried for an hour and a half reading Song of Achilles. And people told me that I would cry, and there's a prophecy in the book, so I kind of thought I knew what was going to happen. And it destroyed me like everyone said. And I could not stop, like, you know, when you, like, I could not stop bawling. That's completely beautiful.

Yeah, and I was impressed with the author because she went to Yale School of Drama to adapt classics to a modern audience. And I go, you did it. Like, you did it. You did it, bitch. Hey, girl, mission accomplished. And it took her 10 years to write it. Oh, I bet. And it just was, like, beautiful.

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What do you want the fun to be? I don't know. God. Because, I don't know. I really don't know. But I hope it's not just Dunzo. Maybe coming back with more knowledge. Back to Earth.

Maybe. Yeah? But I would love to float around. Yeah? On Earth? Flood around. Or just in the outer space. Or maybe like, hopefully I'll fall in love deeply with someone.

And then you get to be with like your soulmate forever. And like, I don't know. Do you have a faith? If I could hang out with like penguins. and like... You can't know, penguins. And yeah, I think that could totally happen. I don't know.

I really don't... I'm Jewish. They don't believe in devil. I mean, they don't believe in, like, hell and devil. Yeah. When I say, do you have faith, I mean, do you believe in, like, Jewish God? I don't... No, I'm like a mother nature girl.

Like, the earth, intuition, spirits. So, like, my grandma, on my mom's side, she would read cards for the community. And so she was witchy. So I feel really, like, connected to her. I believe in, like, yeah, instincts. like maybe Quaker. Maybe I'm a Quaker. Like God is within all of us.

Aren't Quaker's like really, really peaceful and non-confrontational? I'm just checking. I'm not refuting you. I'm just checking. You're right. That's why they were all murdered by the Puritans. Well,

there's something to be said about that. Yeah. There's something to be said about that. And yeah, the Shakers and the Quakers just demolished by the Puritans. No, I think, because to me it's like any time we deny ourselves is when bad things happen, I think.

Like, anytime I have an instinct, I don't follow it, it's always a mess. And so I think it's, I think instead of looking for God elsewhere, we should look for it within us. Yeah. Are your parents like that? Do your parents have a... My dad's 88. He's going to synagogue every Saturday. Yeah, he's, once he hit 80, it's every week's synagogue, for sure.

Starts to feel real important to start thinking about the next chapter. Yeah. So, and they, well, they're like from the hall. They're straight from the Holocaust, so they're very tied to their faith, but it's Soviet Union, Stalin, so it wasn't allowed. So, like, it's not like they know, so they are very connected because of tragedy, but, like, they're eating dairy and meat. Yeah. Yeah. Which I think, yeah.

That seems like... But to them, it's, like, family. Like, I think my mom's, like, addicted to family. She really didn't have a life outside of family. Yeah. And that's why she was, like, really sad that I don't want children. And she cried one time. And I said, I think the reason you want me to have kids is once you're dead, you want me to know how much you suffered raising me.

and she went, maybe you're right. And she's never brought it up again. She said, well, that seems like the end of that conversation. Yeah. But to her, it's like everything for your children and grandchildren. You take your kid, I don't care if it's snowing. You get them fresh air. You cook fresh.

You feed soups to your grandkids. Like, to her, it's like family is God, I feel. And that leaves her empty because we have all ditched her, you know? Yeah. And then my father, he's like authoritative. I don't know. I think he just believes in, like, misogyny, traditional gender roles. Yeah.

Misogyny is such a powerful and awesome thing to believe in. It's actually the only core tenet of most religions is subjugation of women. Yeah. That's what they all have in common. Yeah. They actually, you know, the founding fathers. But it is wild. Yeah, I like that people were like fucking people with no eyes, legs, wooden teeth.

Like, everyone's fucking. Pardon? Like, what you were saying, like, you know? They were really open-minded to injuries. I like that. Disability was not such a big deal back then. It was able to happen easily. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they talked more about voting rights for slaves than they did for women. I'll tell you that much. From what I'm hearing, they were not interested in talking about women voting at all. They're like, well, of course your husband votes for the household. And then there were like a lot of guys at the thing that were like, hey, this slavery business cannot continue. This got to stop. And then, of course, the Southerners were like, no, we actually won't be involved. I just saw a clip online that was like.

the South lost the battle, but they actually have won the war in terms of our culture and our country and stuff. Tell me, you step that out for me because I don't know if I agree. I agree. Like, I don't think the South was punished. And I think the idea is like,

like what's happening now, like we should have punished the fuck out of them, taken away everything. All slave owners should have had all of their money and assets redistributed. And like the people that are... Well, slave owners should have been executed in public. Yeah.

But those people got to live. and their ancestors, their future kin or all those people have their goods and are continuing ruining the lives of people in this nation. And like races, like it's all still here. Like, they didn't lose.

I don't know if I agree with that. I do think that when we abolish slavery, I think everybody who owned slaves, of course it wasn't going to happen because many of the founders themselves own slaves, but I do think they should have been executed in public and we should have made like a showing of it. It just, I think

sometimes, I'm watching this thing just because I love documentaries but I'm like we really simply could never talk enough about how fucking horrific slavery was and it like we just it was it's not even just like I think people just like painted in their memory as this thing where it's like

oh yeah people worked for free and it's like no it was so so so so so much worse and horrific we should have killed all those people we didn't so in that way I understand the sentiment but I don't and in terms of like environmental racism like redlining schools

all of it. Like, it's still in our society. Well, yeah, of course. Racism is like an inherent part of American society, but I'm... But not even in, but like in policy constantly. Yeah. Like food deserts. It's just like it's everywhere. The realty on racist white people is that it has been turned on them now. Like, the poor white people were racist for so long because they imagined it would never, the system would never disenfranchise them to the extent that it has.

and now it has disenfranchised them to that extent, and it's because of their own actions. Well, all of it, it goes back to, like, college used to be more affordable, and then they're like, wait, wait, no, no, no. Like, and then I was, I have to read this book, but it was like saying how all communities used to have pools, and then when they wanted to integrate the pools,

they were like, we'd rather close the pools. So then that's why a bunch of places don't have pools because they would rather not have it. Yeah. And that's with everything. So it's like maybe they're realizing they've been getting fucked, but everyone's been getting fucked. What was the first thing you would do if you were leader of the free world?

Number one, first thing, day one, number one action. I mean, I smiled because I think I would do some executions. I'm anti-capital punishment, but I would sell, I would, yeah. I smiled because I think I would do some executions with like one of the more genuine smiles I've ever seen you have. Oh my God, Chance was talking earlier. And I was smiling, but he could tell that it wasn't for what he was saying. It's because Connor's story got nominated for an Emmy today. And so I got all these text messages congratulating me for his nomination.

So I've had two big smiles today. And I had a McDonald's breakfast always makes me smile. Mine is I would be in loud vehicles. You would what? I would be in loud vehicles day one. Oh, that's like a fun one. If you have a car that's intentionally loud, loud muffler, those motorcycles that like, rattle the fucking buildings when they go by,

I would ban them, and if you tried to make a new one, you would go to prison. Needlessly loud vehicles are the most anti-social, anti-neighbor, unnecessary, dumb fuckery. I think if you have a loud vehicle, you are genuinely to your bones a bad person. Yeah.

I don't get it. What's the point? But what about if it's like fast and furious fun racing? Dangerous, stupid. I hate that even worse. Having a loud vehicle is for, you have the Your brain is the size of a pee. I thought I was going to get you with that. No.

Loud vehicle havers have have brains the size of a pee. They're fucking morons. They are a detriment to society. I don't understand it. I do not. The only possible reason to have allowed vehicle is to annoy the people around you and you should go to prison. You know, I don't, I hate the door handles have shifted. Like, we used to have such good door handles.

Yeah. I got into a Mustang yesterday. It was a button. I just, I don't know. No, I don't want public. I would do like, I would all children get food at school is like the thing I care the most about. This is a big thing for you, yeah. Well, I was on free lunch, you know, all of that.

But, and my parents starved. So it's like, it's just something as children's, it's just something I think about. It's something that comes up for me. My daddy eats expired food in the home. I think about it a lot. But I want something fun like you, what you said instead of executions and like, eating children. Executions was the most Lisa answer, and I do love that.

Yeah. But I am after, it's tough. It's so hard to be anti-capital punishment, because I want so many people gone. I know. It becomes a real issue. It really does, because I'll read some of these heinous crimes, and I'm like, we need him gone, but it's like, I'm against it. I'm against it.

The state should not have state funded. Oh, I would do, like, I'm into castrations, actually. Yeah, chemical castrations for sex offenders. That would be my first line of business as president. I don't think that makes any sense. No, I know, but it's what I believe. Italy just passed something like that. That's a really bad idea for this, on the same exact basis that capital punishment is a bad idea, which is that we have a flawed justice system.

Yeah. Well, we have a flawed. But not if I'm in charge. Criminal system. I think the criminal system would still be flawed if you were in charge. Don't you imagine? No, because I'd get everyone so much money, attention, love, therapy, education. I think there would be no crime.

I really, really... But I would lock up sociopaths as children. No, I'm being hyperbolic, but it's just hard. Things aren't complicated. I just watch Mother's Instinct. Did you watch that documentary? Oh, my God. Crazy.

I've watched every documentary. There's like not a documentary that I won't watch. So, yeah, when you hear about her, it's like, yes, she should be on death row for sure. But then it's like, but I am against, I don't know. It's like really hard. It is really hard. That is the type of case that makes me really reconsider my opposition. But I hated the husband.

I hated the husband He's like, yeah, I like her. She does what I say and cooks and she's gonna have a lot of money. And it's like, okay, that, like, that bothered me too. Well, yeah, he was annoying, but he didn't, like, commit murder.

Yeah, but he enabled her. You want him to get charged? No, but it is funny because what she did was heinous. Like, what she did is awful. Yeah. So I would never, but, like, men kill pregnant women every day

multiple times a day. And so it is this thing of, like, when a woman, it's this horrific, crazy thing, but it happens daily. Yeah. Men do it all the time. Like, the worst woman we know is like a chill good dude. The worst woman we know is a chill dude. It's like just like an average man.

Yeah. Like the worst woman we know and a behavior. Like the worst woman is just a guy. You know, my theory for years, I've been saying for years, men are evil, women are annoying. Those are the big crimes of each gender. Wait, you got to put that on merch. Men are so evil and do horrific horrific.

It's not to say women can't be evil. Yeah. But overall, most women are just annoying. If they have a crime at all. Yeah. If they have a crime at all, it's being annoying, and that's not a big deal. I wonder if women would be less annoying with more power. I doubt it.

Okay. By the way, I'm just saying, I'm not saying all women are annoying or all men are evil. Yeah. I'm saying the extremes of both gender are such that it most often falls into the most annoying person you know is a woman, the most evil person you know is a man. Yeah. And I say that with all the love in my heart to both genders. Yes.

I love my boys. I think also I would do more vacations for people. You know? Because I was thinking everyone should have clear water you shouldn't have to pay for it

and then I was like also I want people in the lakes more often and then I was like yeah, more vacation. You're speaking to my thing in a big way. More vacate. Because everyone's like, how's everyone from the World Cup here and it's like their countries let them chill out?

Yeah, they get to go to other places. They get to relax. They get off work. Yeah. They get off work in a big way. Yeah, I think more vacations would help people. I think, yeah, I don't know if you'd want me to help you, but I think me and you in charge would be good.

I don't trust your temperament. Yeah. To be in my administration. I worry that you would go off on side quests and do things that I don't approve of. No, I would definitely have like a SEAL Team 5 group. I worry that you would have, yeah. I would have a group of assassins. I worry that I would get a briefing that's like, Mr. President,

I'm the president. that's like Mr. President, the vice president has assembled another paramilitary group to go after her enemies. The news is pretty upset about it. And I'd be like, please, uh. Yeah, no, for sure. No, that's what my mom told me.

She said I'm too volatile for a gun when I told her I wanted one. Because I want, like, weapons for the, you know, when shit goes down. Yeah. That is such a funny sentiment to me. A lot of my friends are on that right now, and we just are not going to win regardless. No, you're right. No, I know. But I found, I haven't ordered them yet, but there's, um, tasers that you can wear on your knuckles.

Okay. But the thing with all these weapons is you have to charge them. And it's like the end is here. Like, what are we doing? My friend gave me like a plugable light open, like things in the apocalypse. I'm like, where will we be charging? Solar is what you should be looking into, of course. Yeah.

You need to be looking into solar-powered stuff, guns. Solar-powered, solar-powered-powered-powered- I never even shot it. I don't want to, actually. Like, I know I'm, I've never been in a physical fight. Really? No. That is shocking.

I know. I don't know if you've told me that before, but it's shocking. I've never been in a physical fight. Four girls tried to beat me up one day in high school, and they were like at my locker and I went, I have to get to swim practice. Are you going to hit me or not? Like, I don't know what we're going to do.

And they didn't. I think people think I'm more tough than I am or something because of my mouth. But like, and I do stand up for people, but like, yeah, I've never, and I hope to never be in a physical fight. Do you think your attitude would change if you got hit really hard in the face one time?

Do you think you would be less the way you are? Like if you, if you, like, went up to someone. No, I'd be, like, J-Lo in the movie enough. It would, like, actually fuel me. Are you sure? Like, if you... Just picture this. You're doing one of your classic Lisa things,

and you, like, I don't know, a man, like, stands weird near you, and you feel confronted by it. And you go, excuse me, we're all waiting in the line, and I know you can see that. Do you want to tell me why you think you... And then just immediately,

bop. Let's make it a woman. A woman does that. Yeah. And you're like, excuse me. I think you saw there was a line here. Why did you? And she just, pull, punches the...

punches the fuck out of you in the face. Do you think the next time you wanted to confront a stranger like that, you would think twice and hesitate? No, because I think I'm, like, delusional enough that I think I could fight back. I don't... Oh, you think you would beat that woman up? Oh, I don't want to. Brilliant of me to make a woman.

I stepped up to a woman at the bar on Sunday that bothered me. Okay. What did she do? I was at a Mexican spot. So, like, the Mexico game was packed. But I had a seat at a bar, but I went to the bathroom on my way. out, I hear a woman go, she stepped on my foot. And so I heard that. So in my brain, I go, I'm going to buy her a shot.

So I turn around and I go, are you okay? That nice. And she goes, you stepped on my foot. And I went, well, you're in a crowded bar, you dumb bitch. And then I walked away. Like, and I walked away. But in my head, I was like, I wish I could have just slammed her face on the table. Lisa. I turned around to be like, are you, like, yeah, someone's going to step on your foot. There's 400 people in here.

really fucking packed, yeah. Like, that's such a crazy thing to, like, be mad at someone about. I don't know. And I'm like, you're also standing by the bathroom. Like, you're going to get stepped on more. People are going to be like, I don't know. How do you imagine you would have handled it? Because it made Snooki more powerful when she got popped on TV.

Yeah. How do you imagine you would have handled it had your foot been stepped on? I honestly, just the, I just seem like so into the World Cup. But, like, I just, when we're all. We're all together. I don't know. Because there was another girl kind of rude to the bartender when she got a little water spilled on her and I didn't like it.

Like when you're crowded, I don't know. I don't know. I've had a recent thing. Maybe I would have gone out. If someone turned around when are you okay and a nice voice? Yeah. I would have been like, oh my God, yes. I think I would have like fully been like, oh, God, it's crazy in here.

I would have like, I would have been like, I'm glad she checked in on me. I do believe that. I do want to think about this popping because if a man hit me in front of other people I think men would hope. You know they wouldn't. You know they wouldn't. Men don't really intervene like that anymore. If I got hit really hard with that, help my personality.

I didn't say help your personality. Oh, what did you? I said, do you think it would help your personality is crazy. I said, do you think it would change the way you react to stuff? I don't know, because I played football and I got the shit beat out of me. Like, I don't know. Maybe, I don't know. We'd have to.

We have to see. Yeah. If you're a woman and you want to punch Lisa really hard, let's just see if it doesn't. I'm starting boxing next week. That's good. Yeah, so we'll see how that goes. I have a weird thing going on.

The biggest conversations I get in Revolver on biking because people are insane to people on bikes. I'm working on myself a cyclist. I'm on a city bike. But people are insane to people on bikes. And also people on bikes are insane as well. And it's like people are careless. Like I almost just opened the door and someone screamed.

I thank God he screamed. But like, yeah, How quickly you could fuck someone up by being careless is... You could kill someone in an instant. Yeah. It's tough to think about. A really interesting thing that keeps happening to me is that other fat guys, when they get mad at me about biking, are calling me fat ass. And I'm like, you are fat as fuck, first of all.

Don't call me fat ass. You are also fucking fat. Find a different insult. And I yelled at a guy really bad on the... I would say this on the pot already. A guy on the Knicks, the night that the Knicks won the championship. me and my friends had biked into Manhattan. There was this situation where there were a million people on bikes that night.

Of course, everyone's trying to go have fun. And we had gotten off the bridge into Manhattan. And we were trying to turn left, but you need to get out of the bike lane so that you can wait for the light to turn so you can cross traffic. There were like 20 cyclists there, and there's maybe room for three. So like there's backup into the bike lane, but I was one of the people that had found a way off. And this guy, there was like this straight couple standing there on their bikes. And this guy goes, oh my God, we're huge fans. And I was like, oh, thank you so much.

and then my friends had biked up behind me, all sweethearts, and they had gotten stuck in the bike lane, like sitting, trying to get off, but there was no room. And this fucking fat, ugly white guy bikes up behind them and goes, get out of the fucking bike lane. And I went, hey, they're trying their best. There's no need for that. He's like, now stopped.

I said, hey, they're trying their best. There's no need for that in that tone. Not too mean. Just like, relax. And he goes, shut up, fat ass. And I go, fuck you, bitch. Get off your bike. And then he kept biking.

And I was like, that's what I. thought and he didn't say another word. And then this, and I would have fought him because I was like, you're still being so mean right now. And you, I could tell he was weak. I know I could have heard him. And you're famously strong. I would have just taken him to the, I would have grabbed his head like this.

Kind of like I would do to Nicole if she charged me right now. If Nicole were to charge me right now, or if that man were to have gotten off his bike and brought his fat ass over to my direction, I would have just grabbed his head and taken him to the ground like this and put him down there. So you have the same head grabbing and synced that. It just kind of, you know. We just can't go to prison. We can't go to prison.

But yeah, if the guy on the bike or Nicole were to charge at me, the way that I would place them on the ground quickly and then start hitting. But then the straight guy that said he was a fan, I forgot they were there. So that's obviously a little embarrassing. He goes, you're my hero. And I said, that's pretty cool. I keep thinking about getting, because I'm trying to think where I'd get hit, like where my, where my, where my, where my.

You get hit in the cheek. Where, no, no, no, like, where am I? Am I in line? Am I out and about? Like, because what would make me mad enough that I would engage with someone that I think would be threatening to me? And it's like, I think I tried, like, I'm trying to think, because I think most of the people I engage with deserve it. I think you genuinely, I think you're on the right side of things. Yeah.

You're approached sometimes. But then I always, I always come around even if I'm slow. Yeah. I think your approach sometimes, it could get you hit. I know. I'm surprised you haven't been hit. I'll be honest about that. I know.

I'm totally surprised by that. I know. I'm glad you've never been hit. I am. surprised that no one's ever just been like, I'm going to hit this bitch. I just remembered someone punched me in the shoulder, but I guess, but like, without the face, it's like, what are you going to do? No, you got to hit one in the face for it to matter.

Or stomach. Stomach. Stomach's the worst, actually. I don't know. I just, I hope not. I hope not. That you never get hit? Yeah.

Wait, oh, this is such a popular podcast. Can I do a plea to the internet? Of course. I really want to be in Mortal Kombat 3. So if you're working on the next one, please, I have an, good idea. What's the idea? Okay, listen to this.

So, you know how, like, you go into the Mortal Kombat realm with the lightnings? Yeah. So then I'm just, like, kind of like a fun waitress, and I see the lightning, and I go, whoa,

and then I enter, and then I immediately get killed. I kind of want you to dream bigger. Or I run a little bit, but I think it would be so funny and shocking, or maybe I can run a little bit and then get, you know, but I don't think someone regular like me

would survive in the Mortal Kombat, And so I want to be, like, grounded in reality. I want you to give yourself more lines than just waitress who says, whoa. I do want you to aim for, if you are somebody who can make this happen in Mortal Kombat, I do want you to give Lisa more lines than whoa. Okay, yeah, okay, I'll take that. I want that for you. Are there any other things you want to plea for while you have the audience?

This will probably get a fair amount of views and listens. Oh, yeah. I would love if anyone can show the guys from Heated Rivalry my Simpsons thing that I made because I recreated all of Heated Rivalry. scene by scene using images from the Simpsons. It took me about four days. It's so good. And I'm really proud of it.

And I pinned it. So it's just on the top of my Instagram. Okay. So you just want those guys to see that? Yeah. Yeah. I think they would be touched by the thoughtfulness I put into it. Okay.

That's beautiful. And the attention to detail. Guys, if you don't mind, if you could just start tagging the heated rivalry guys in Lisa's. Mimson's remake of their show. Yeah. That would be beautiful.

I think that's something we could do for you. You're a beloved member of the community. Yeah. Someone listening to the show knows those guys and could slip it to them for sure. Yeah. Someone listening right now has their phone number. And the cottage is split into two collages. So like you think you're done.

Go to there's 13 total slides. What's so true to you, Lisa? I've been thinking about this for days. Like it's so stressful. And what is so true? I'm like still getting, I'm still like stuck on getting punched somewhere. You know what I mean? I really accidentally...

I think I've made... Because I don't like... Potentially two mistakes in this episode. One was bringing up the founding fathers like a third time and then getting us sort of on a track talking about like whether or not the country is... Like whether or not the Confederacy ultimately won. That was one misstep in the episode.

I know. I also have to stop talking so serious about things that I've read like one paragraph from. You know? You did say I need to read this book and then went in pretty passionately on what you think is the thesis of it. Which is something I love about you?

That was one thing. potential misstep in the episode? No, talk about the founding fathers. I just don't know something about it. So if I don't know something, I don't like it. The other misstep... It's kind of like when you guys... You and the founding fathers have a lot in common.

The other misstep, well, obviously, was bringing up whether or not you think you would change if you got punched in the face. But are you inspired by the founding fathers, or did you just like... I am inspired. There are things about the founding of this country that I find radical. Yeah. Do I think highly of any of those people? Obviously not.

but do I think bucking imperial rule and founding your own country and choosing to have it be a democracy when you could have just made your own monarchy? Yeah, I think there are some elements of that that are very interesting. And I think there are elements of any revolution that I think are inspiring and interesting. I'm more inspired by the people than the like George Washington or something. But I think it's really silly to write off that entire process and what has come to be like actually one of the most consequential revolutions in the history of the world. Not the most, but one of, certainly.

I think America's like status in the world at this point, for better or for worse, points to that being like incredibly consequential. So yeah, there are things about that period of time and some of the people who participated that I find inspiring. Yeah. You know? Yeah, fuck yeah.

Fuck the king. Fuck the king. And I go back, because of the Fourth of July, I just happened, I've been thinking a lot again as I do every year about how I feel about this country. Well, I saw someone in my stories looking at the Declaration of Independence and they were crying. And I cry at art, so I understand, but I was like, what? I don't know.

Do you cry if you were in the room with it? Certainly not, but I get it, I think. Like, there's a part of me that's like, I don't know. Spend some time, like, watching something about it and thinking about what actually happened. And I don't know. I get it. No, I would not. I don't feel that way about this country or its founding documents for the obvious reasons.

But I don't know. I think about whether or not I love this country all the time, and I think I actually do, and I think that's kind of an unpopular opinion. No, I think that's why the World Cup also, it's like people having fun going to these cities and be like, oh, I'm having a nice time with these Americans that I thought were all, like, evil and gun and crazy. Well, I love Americans. I've always said that. I love Americans.

I think we're awesome. I really, really love us. I completely love Americans. I think we're great. America, the government is obviously not a thing I'm, like, about. big on. I'm not like loving what we're doing or have ever done. But I love Americans and I love the land of this country. So then I think does that mean you love the country? Like what does it mean? Like what does it mean? I think Mom Donnie did this where it's just like I feel proud to be in

New York City. I feel cool. Like I feel like awesome. He's doing cool things. So like that if that was everywhere like that would be great if people had leadership like that. Yeah. And also America. Like he makes me feel so good. I feel good about New Yorkers. I don't feel good because of Mom Donnie. I feel good about New Yorkers. I feel good that New Yorkers elected a person who shares those kind of values. I, Mom Donnie to me... I like he's a little petty too. I like it. I like Mom Donnie plenty. I don't... He's not the reason I love New York. No, I didn't say that. I know, but there is a feeling going on right now that I'm not liking the Mom Donny's done shit. That's not cute to me. I'm not enjoying the like fan girlification of Mom Donnie. I bought a candle with

his face on it. I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I was blackout. I have to talk to the store because I also spent 42 because I go in there constantly into blackout and then I'm like okay I spent $45 on stickers and they can't keep allowing me to do this. They need to start turning you away. They do but

I just can't but I go in there drunk because I love it in there. Random accessories, Fourth Street but they got to put a stop to it. Yeah, so anyway but the point is that my second mistake is bringing up the punch it clearly affected you and now what is so true to you? What is so

True to me. Being irregular is the best. The only thing. And it is worth time and effort, and you shouldn't ever expect prizes for being a regular. The experience in and of itself is it, like, but yeah,

knowing everyone's name, having a place, waving to the mailman, like having just a final beer before you go home or just... Or right when you wake up. Just fresh out of bad. even too, I think can be a beautiful part of being a regular somewhere.

Just to stop the shaking. And all of the bartender, and then you know, and then you know all the bartenders. I think just like knowing the people at your spots, having your spots, loving the food, like, definitely go to new places. But like, I just find I've always wanted to be a regular. And now that I have, I have that at these certain places, it just feels awesome. whole life I knew I wanted to be a regular. Yeah.

Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to be a regular. Yeah. It's beautiful. I love being a regular. Yeah, just a place to, like, people keep talking about these third spaces, and it's like, you can if you put your time and effort. And then you get to know the other regulars. And, you know, you're all, the laptop, oh, how was this?

And I just like, I, yeah, I don't hate small talk. Like, I like it. Yeah. I did. I did fight people. There were people talking about AI, and I got involved. And then I go, well, you guys are nerds and losers. And he goes, it's actually pretty tame for you.

And he goes, well, you don't have any grace. What did he say? Grace? I go, I'm not here to have grace. And he goes, yeah, that's obvious. And then I got tense. And I go, you guys can go back to your combo. Everything's fine.

Go back to loving AI. No worries. No worries. Yeah. But I like seeing like the same people. It just feels great. And I hope that everyone finds a spot. or like my brother-in-law was a regular somewhere

and my sister went to get him caught and she just showed a photo and goes whatever he gets and they just knew. That's really cute. Yeah, and just feeling chill, relaxed, a place to do work, I love it. It means so much to me. It's embarrassing how much it means to me.

Not embarrassing, I love it about you. And I have a question for you. And I loved when we like, when we go to, when we went to that one spot with the same, like that I loved. I'm sorry, you're going to have to give me more. I could give the name. Oh, sure, yeah, yeah.

I loved the, you know, the bartender, we had her font. Like, I just like me. I love it. It's really fun. I want to be a regular more places. I want to expand my regularity. Even though, like, I'm at a comedy club, so it's like a little bit of my job. But just, I love being able to go there whenever I want to.

Like, just going to the cellar and having some homeless. It's really fun going back to a place that you perform a lot. Yeah. And the staff remembering you and, like, just having a relationship with people is like, oh, my God, it kind of feels like home. Yeah, it feels like home. and then everyone else is a loser. No.

Yeah, I love the bar. Because I've been reading. Oh, also, reading is awesome. And I can't believe I missed out. Whatever. Whatever was servicing my life, I needed that. But, like, all the posters were right. Reading has changed my life.

All the posters were right is killing me, Lisa. Reading has changed everything. Yeah, we're about to change your life again. We're going to play a game. Yes. You ready? Yes. I'm going to read you 15 statements.

You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. Lisa, if you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 U.S. dollars. And I know you're really into the speed, but I don't like that element of this. Well, you're going to need to get lock in a little bit. For whom the belt holes was written by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

The belt holes? For whom the bell tolls? False. It was Ernest Hemingway. The San Antonio Spurs won their last NBA title in 1999. Yes. False. Against the Knicks, or was it 2000?

2014. Oh, they've won again. Neptune has seven moons. False. False. 16. Force equals mass times accelerates. Yeah, true.

True. Joe Wompler is the current mayor of Skokie, Illinois. Fuck no. Oh, it is actually. No, no. I think false. I'm a Jan fan. She's just the representative.

Jill Wompler is the current mayor of Skokie, Illinois. He is. I'm asking. I'm saying false. Yeah, it's false. And tennis. Oh, okay. Octopuses have no bones.

Ooh, yeah, true. True. Europe is the smallest continent by landmass. True. False, Australia. The first use of a submarine in a war was the American Revolution. False. True.

The human body has 12 pairs of ribs. 12 pairs. So that would be 24. We have 24 ribs? No, false. True. But I just touched them all. The fairest of them all was Dolly Parton's first album.

False. False. Hello, I'm Dolly. A Pentagon has six sons. Penta false false five tigers have striped skin interesting or is it the fur that is striped is that the question I'm gonna say false true Sabrina Carpenter was born in Yemen okay true false Pennsylvania all isosceles triangles have two equal angles yes true Lottie's pub is closed

on Sundays. What club? Lottie's Pub. It's closed on Sunday. False. False. How'd she do? Nine. Oh, Lisa. Damn, I thought I was rolling. He did really good. You did really good. I love Lotties. I would have Tater Tots there weekly Tuesdays at the open mic. I know you would. I knew the octopus. I should have known that

Sabrina Carpenter was not born in yet. But in my head, I was like, well, maybe they were on vacation or, you know, her dad might work in big oil. Like, you know, I didn't know. Completely. But also submarines in the American Revolution is that like, was it wooden? Like, what was that? Did you watch that documentary, by the way?

What documentary? About, like, he's like, um, Elon Musk's type of, like, weird sciencey guy. And he was building weird things. And a journalist came to write about him. And then he took her out in the submarine and then tied her up, tortured her, murdered her in the submarine. What? Yeah.

What happened? He, He killed her in the submarine? A journalist? Yeah. Why? How'd they find out? So, well, they found her...

Well, she went in with him and then didn't come back out. And then they started finding bits of her body in the water. But then they found all of his journals and he just wanted to torture and murder so bad for so long. And he was actually going to do it to his girlfriend, but she wasn't available that day. And so, like, this girl was doing the article. And so they went down together. And I just... One of my biggest fears, of course, is being, like, locked in a room and being tortured for a long time and no one finding me.

I think about that a lot. Yeah, at that point, you got to just hope to die quick. Let me die quick. But the thought of being in the submarine, like, truly knowing there's nowhere to go. And no one to hear, nothing to do. Wow, that makes me want to throw up and cry. It's so scary, but that might be a doc that you might want to watch. I don't know if I can.

That one sounds a little too. I will. I will. If you handled Mother's instinct, I think you could do this. I don't know, man. That's really tough. Also, her being a journalist, she just wanted to get her story. That makes me want to fucking throw up.

Yeah. Men are really scary, huh? Mm-hmm. Really, really scary. I feel really bad for people that have to deal with men. Yeah. I mean, obviously, I also have to deal with men, but in a way where it's like, I don't think they're going to put me in the submarine and do that kind of stuff.

No. I did, I had a big fear in high school, though. One of my big fears about being on, like, grinder and stuff like that in high school. Now I'm laughing about Sabrina Carpenter. I know. I know. She's not from Yemen and the woman in the submarine is resting in peace and I just hope she's somewhere awesome.

But we'll finish what you were saying. Being on Grindr in high school scared me because I read stories about people being like, oh yeah, they went to someone's house for a hookup and then they got like tortured and killed. And so that was a big scary part of my like, I really thought everyone who messaged me was trying to torture and kill me for a while. No, fucking strangers is definitely there's a risk involved. It's really scary in rural Missouri. You drive 40 hours to someone's house in the middle of nowhere and you're like, okay,

this was a long days and nights journey to get some sex and then all they could just torture and kill you. That's like, wow, that was complaining about going to Prospect Lafrette's Garden. I was like, Jesus Christ, I'm this desperate for sex, but I was. Yeah, you went to PLG about it. Yeah. Went to PLG about some dick.

Went to PLG. That's crazy. Went to Prospect Lafurt's Gardens about some dick. Yeah. So many people before you have made that journey. I know, yeah. Well, my next journey also is to be like, men have to pay for my cars.

I'm not paying for any more cars. If you're having sex with me, you have to pay for the car. If you can't afford to send someone home in an Uber, you can't afford to fuck. I'm sorry. That's the rules, especially if they live cross-borrow. Yeah, it costs me a lot of money. Put people in an Uber. Yeah, so I think that's new because then my other friend had a hook-up, like she was leaving where we were hanging out to go hook up.

And he got her cars there and back. He knew she was hungry, ordered a pizza. I got this is, I need this. Yeah, that's really nice. I need more effort. That's really, really nice. Yeah, you've got to be sending people home in a car if you're sleeping with them. Yeah.

In New York City, I'm sorry. That's just like, come on. Yeah, it's like your cum is still on my body. Right. I have to order my own car. I should have said something. You need to, but I'm new. You're new.

I'm new to reading. I'm new to fucking. I'm like new to so much. Yeah. Yeah. I feel it's like my, my renaissance. It's a total liaisance right now. We're in the leesesissance.

Yeah, with New York. I was kind of turned, I didn't know that you would hate Mom Dani the way you I don't hate Mom Donnie. I do not hate Mom Donnie. That's not what you took from that. Don't play in my face. No, I know. No, being in New York right now in this, like,

environment and everything, it feels like people want to fuck. I hope I'm married by the end of the year. I don't hate Mom Donnie, by the way. No, I know, I know, I know. I just, do you know what I mean, though? No, the pop culture of people, we can't celebrate politicians like this.

There are public servants and they need to get to work, but he's doing the work. He's doing great. I'm really proud of the results. I'm so glad he's our mayor. And he's represented of all of us in this other beautiful way. But we gotta stop like, yeah,

putting his like airbrushed face on t-shirts and shit. Because there really might come a point where we have to hold him accountable. And how are we going to do that when we've made him like a fucking like prayer candle deity or whatever? Yeah, yeah. I think it's as embarrassing as being like a Trump stand. I will say I have candles of Ab-Fab, Mariska Hargatee,

Andy Cohen. I have a lot of these prayer candles. I don't like that either, but it's a different thing to me. Yeah. And Taylor Swift. I'm randomly okay with. Which one? Mariska.

Yeah. I started on Broadway. Oh, I have another so true. Do it. Keep your fucking mouth shut when you're going to see a Broadway show. Yeah, totally. It's this poignant show about, like, suicide and all the, every brilliant thing are like all the things that hopefully are worth living for and what you could do to help,

even though it's never enough for the people that are so, like, sad on the inside. It's like this beautiful show. Yeah. And there is audience participation, and she's about to do the last line of the show. And she goes, one million. And some bitch yells out, meeting Mariska Hargitay! And then an applause breaks out

because no one knows what's happening. And then Mariska has to wait to then do this final line of her show that's supposed to be like what life's all about. And it just... People are insane. It's... I truly, like, I ended up walking 45 blocks

because I was like so upset. That is really nuts. That is really, really nuts. Yeah. Behave. Just shut up. You're not on the stage. You're not the performer.

You're not the performer. This is what so many people need to internalize. You are not in the show for a reason. Sit there and watch it or don't go. And to interrupt at this, the clear end of this play. I don't know. People are a little teary-eyed. It's these moments.

And I just couldn't believe it. And I wonder if she went backstage and was like, that fucking bitch. You know, like I worked. She did. Of course she did. That's the thing I would really tell these people is when you behave like that, the people that you're like,

you're in love with her, she's going backstage and being like, well, that fucking idiot ruined the night. Like, they're going backstage and talking about how annoying you were. I guarantee, I promise you,

I've seen it a billion times. Yeah, and it's like, I don't know, it was just, I don't, I don't know, but that's always how,

because I remember I saw Ben Harper at the Chicago theater in my late teens maybe, and he sang Acapella at the edge of the stage, no music, no mic, no nothing. And someone kept being like,

love you love you and it's like I don't get it because I was going to blame COVID but it's always been a thing. No no no it's not COVID it's something else. Narcissism what? I guess maybe I don't know what it is because I would never do something like that. Never. In a million years

I would never in a million years thing to do something like that. I just don't get what would possess you. I don't understand but maybe that's because I get my kicks in another way. I don't know I don't know what's wrong with you. Maybe they've never been out of the house maybe they were like Nell and then they got taken to a Broadway show like the day after they got rescued or something? I have no clue.

I have no fucking clue. Yeah, it's hard to be now. It's like you were raised by wolves in a barn or something and now you've been reintroduced to society. Honestly, I think wolves would

quiet down. I don't think wolves would be... Wolves know when to be stealthy. Yeah. The wolves would chill out. Lisa, this was a beautiful episode. This was beautiful. Thanks for having me back.

Thrilled to be a three-peat guest. Yeah. Pissed that the Spurs won in 2014. Pissed that Sabrina Carpenter wasn't born in Yemen. That was like a softball one too. I know. Chance actually took it kind of easy on you. He likes you more than other guess.

What do you give you? He gave you like the Isosceles Triangles one. I know. Like he really, he also gave you a really easy one that I actually, I remember thinking he likes Lisa more than other guess. Which one was it? Oh, octopuses have no bones.

Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, because I know that they have nine brains and three hearts. I know a lot. Yeah. Chance likes you more than other guests. And he really gave me that softball question. And I went, who knows her. parents were up to. It's completely

fair. You did a beautiful job. Do you want to tell people where they can find you and how they can support? At Glitter Cheese on Instagram and I have a website. I'm live on the road. Tickets available at all times. I don't think I've ever sold out in my life. So buy a ticket. Buy a ticket. I'm all over the nation playing

at strip malls from coast to coast. So check that out. And we have fun. It's a good show. And I'm on season three of survival of the thickest. my Simpsons heated rivalry thing. And I have a podcast that's messed up, an SVU podcast. And I have a Netflix special, which is my life's work actually. And I don't know why I said it last, but it's called Night Owl.

Shot in New York City. Did I plug too many things? You did great. I love you, babe. Love you. Oh, and me and Jalen Brunson have the same birthday, just so everyone knows. Two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar rinket.

raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.ca.com.ca.