So True with Caleb Hearon - Mary Beth Barone Loves Mad Men

Episode Date: October 17, 2024

It’s a big day here at the So True Podcast! We are officially joining Headgum! And we’re kicking off this new partnership with this week’s guest, the hilarious Mary Beth Barone! Mary Beth and Caleb talk everything from cats vs. dogs, biking around New York City, The British, a hypothetical sitcom, and much more! Subscribe to our YouTube channel for full video episodes! Join our Patreon for an exclusive extended interview with Mary Beth and other bonus content! Follow Mary Beth! @marybethbarone Follow the show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Recorded at Headgum Studios in New York City About Headgum: Headgum is an LA & NY-based podcast network creating premium podcasts with the funniest, most engaging voices in comedy to achieve one goal: Making our audience and ourselves laugh. Listen to our shows at https://www.headgum.com. » SUBSCRIBE to Headgum: https://www.youtube.com/c/HeadGum?sub_confirmation=1 » FOLLOW us on Twitter: http://twitter.com/headgum » FOLLOW us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/headgum/ » FOLLOW us on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@headgumAdvertise on So True via Gumball.fm. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. You're dealing with a lot of demons. Not a lot of people could handle it and just be like smiling the way that I am, ear to ear. The way you spread joy despite having so many demons is very inspiring. Thank you. I'm very proud of you. I just want to show that it's possible. Anything is possible.

I mean, you think about it, the word impossible in itself, it says right there, I'm possible. I'm sorry. And speaking of beautiful, Mary Beth Barone, what's going on with you? I'm so happy. I can't believe we're here. I'm just happy. I'm happy. This felt like, so I'm trying to reframe things in my head mentally instead of being like,

oh, that's something I have to do. Like this feels like something i get to do right it's exciting for me so what you're telling me just so i can be clear is that you had to employ at least one if not several mental device tricks to be excited to be here that's what that's kind of what you're saying that's not what i said this is classic gay guy you're twisting my road i said welcome to the show and you said thank you i'm trying to be excited about things saying. That's not what I said. This is classic gay guy. You're twisting my words. I said, welcome to the show. And you said, thank you. I'm trying to be excited about things. No, I'm like, this is one of the things I get to do. I didn't have to convince myself, but it's just nice to have that like internal monologue. Yeah. You probably wouldn't know

anything about that. No, don't have one. It's totally empty up here. It's empty up here. I, the only thing up here is gay sex. Yeah, clearly. You know me. No, I do know what you mean. I'm really working on that as well. It's hard. Like everything, a lot of things that I feel like I actually actively pursued, I then don't want to do when it comes time to do it. Honey, you're going to find a friendly ear with me on every time on this topic. I have constantly said on this podcast and elsewhere, you could, if I have anything on my calendar, I don't want to do it. Even if it exciting fun and cool if it's the best thing that's ever happened to me it could be like it could be a day on my calendar called dreams come true day where all my dreams come true and i'd be like i'm telling them i have covid i just want to

watch mad men actually re-watch mad men i've already watched it twice at least the whole way through and i'm in the process of that right now so i am happy to be here but i i want to say too on the on the subject of not wanting to do things that you yourself have planned, every single time I have to perform live, I'm talking to someone about how much I don't want to do it. And I scheduled the show. I sold tickets. I invited people to come. Yeah, begged.

Begged even. Hoped that they would come. Yeah. Like, really was like, if my shows don't sell out fast enough, like, even if it sells out on the day of, I'm like, well, I hope you're ready to go get a real job. Well, these are some fake fans. Yeah.

Wow. What a nice audience I've built. You didn't really jump on that. Yeah. Whoa. I'm glad we waited just to see if something better came up. Yeah. What I like to do is if I have shows, like an early show and a late show, if the late

show sells out faster, I berate the early show. Yeah. I'm like, so you... I mean, I guess you guys didn't care that much about coming. Yeah. Couldn't have gotten on the first one. Hmm. Damn. Now, so you, I mean, I guess you guys didn't care that much about coming. Yeah, couldn't have gotten on the first one. Hmm. Damn.

Now, I really do, I need to work on my not wanting to do things. It's really tough. Because actually, I do want to do things. I don't want a life where I do nothing. Well, I want things to be done. Can I tell you something? In every single timeline of every single universe from 10,000 miles away, I knew you were a girl who watches Mad Men.

from 10,000 miles away, I knew you were a girl who watches Mad Men. In every single universe. Let's unpack that. I knew you were a Mad Men girl. I just love it. I know. It's escapism.

It's one of my favorite time periods. The fashion, the characters. I mean, God, it's just, it's sex. It's capitalism. It's commerce. Yeah, and I just knew.'s sex, it's capitalism, it's commerce. Yeah, and I just knew, I just said Mary Beth is a Mad Men girlina. I am. What do you guys call yourselves?

Mad Menistas. We're Mad Miniacs. We love the show. There's different factions, yeah. But, I mean, yeah, I would love to know what it says about me that I watch Mad Men. Well, you're very stylish. You know, I just said about you when you were going to the restroom, I said, you know what it says about me that I watch Mad Men. Well, you're very stylish. You know, I just said about you when you were going to the restroom. I said, you know what I hate about Mary Beth?

I said this to everyone in the building. I said out in the common area. I said, you know what I hate about Mary Beth? The fact that she can make a t-shirt and jeans look so chic. Really? Because I had a huge outfit regret on my way here. You look incredible. Thank you.

This has always been the thing I've said about. I do find myself to be hot, but I'm hot in a way where it requires some level of creativity. Everyone has to have a certain politics and a certain level of buy-in. My hotness is in certain rooms you can convince people. But the thing about me and traditionally hot people is, if I wear a t-shirt and jeans, I look like I'm going to clean someone's gutters. You are wearing a t-shirt and jeans right now.

No one would ever clean gutters in Birkenstocks. Can I say that? The Birkenstocks probably on the camera. That would be downright dangerous. I just, frankly, everything that thin people do, thin beautiful people can do it in a way where it's chic and it's giving vogue and it's giving cover girl. And I do it in a way where it's like,

uh-oh, Kevin James just got home from work and King of Queens, you know? And now he's shifted into casual. He wants to take a load off with his wife, Leah Remini. Yes. That's all he wants in the world. Former Scientologist Leah Remini. Former Scientologist Leah Remini, who is getting a divorce, sadly. I don't know if you saw. I watched her reality show. A lot of people don't remember. She had like a special on VH1 about her wedding. That's when I fell in love with her.

Really? I do love her. I wonder if this is the same marriage or a different marriage you know you never know in hollyweird in hollyweird well i've always said this i said this on my podcast as well which we don't have to talk about but gay guys will get engaged to anyone and celebrities will have a baby with anyone and i feel like that's really come out of the the just i guess throwing caution to the wind because it used to be that celebrities would marry anyone but now they've taken it a step further and they're having children. They'll just have kids anywhere. You're bound for life. Any old where. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know you had a podcast. Yeah. I frankly don't know what you do.

Most people don't. Yeah. I didn't know what you do. I was like this girl is a lot of fun. I like her vibe. Well I'm an apple baby. Are you? Yeah. My dad's a doctor and my mom's a nurse. Right. Yeah. So you're. I have deep Hollywood ties. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well the Connecticut medical family nurse right so yeah so you're i have deep hollywood ties yeah yeah yeah yeah well the the connecticut medical family to brooklyn alt slash mainstream comic pipeline that's very well studied it's

linear you have a wikipedia page about it not only did you grow up in connecticut doctor dad nurse mom okay which is obviously inappropriate but i'm not going to go into that abusive power abusive power but that's none of my business they have you have 17 siblings there are six of us yeah yeah that's a lot yeah it's it's pretty overwhelming where are you in the order guess youngest thank you yeah if you had said anything else i would have walked out and knocked the camera over on my way can i tell you something what in every universe in every timeline from 10,000 miles away, I would have known that you were a youngest child. That means

the world. I feel like you know me so well. I really wear my heart on my sleeve. I am who I am through and through. No tricks. And that's why people can make these, they can deduce these things about me. They call you Mary Beth No Tricks Barone. Truly. There's no tricks. There's no tricks except that my name is Mary Elizabeth.

And a lot of people don't know that. I've always hated that. Because every time I want to see you, I go, Mary Elizabeth, Mary Beth. Like, I have to bring that back to, you know. Because I don't want to ruin your brand. Well, I don't respond to Mary Elizabeth. Right. Well, unless it's your parents.

Unless it's my parents. They haven't called me that in a while, though. I haven't gotten into trouble in a long time. no but i'm so proud of you i haven't been reprimanded in a while by anyone you're an adult yeah yeah i think that's what that's the indicator it's not about paying my own rent or having a place or getting a dog it's like I haven't been reprimanded in a long time. I actually just got reprimanded. Tell me. I would love to. I was meant to go to dinner.

I was meant to go to dinner. And it was in Williamsburg. And it was about a – it was an hour walk from me or it was an 18-minute bike ride. Okay. Something of that nature. And so I said, well, I was – That's crazy.

Right. Can we talk about how crazy that is? Can we talk about that? An hour to walk. Distance is something I'll never wrap my head around. It makes little to no sense to girls like you and me. And I said, I was, it was one of those things where you get ready early and you're like, do I just rot on the couch until I order a car at the last minute and inevitably I'm

five minutes late for no good reason. Or, and so I was like, I'm going to grab my book that I'm reading. I'm going to get on a bike. I'm going to bike over to the neighborhood. I thought you were going to, you've seen people read books on a bike in New York. Surely. No, I have not. I have.

No. Yeah. God. The confidence of a obviously heterosexual man, white man. Yes. Reading a book. Right. While riding a bike.

Crazy. And then I'm not kidding you. This is going to sound made up. One time I saw someone riding a bike, reading a book and eating a banana. Crazy. And then, I'm not kidding you, this is gonna sound made up, one time I saw someone riding a bike, reading a book, and eating a banana. No hands. And you know what? He's probably in Congress now.

That's how it goes for men. That's sick. That's how it goes for men. Yeah. He failed up. God, that makes me sick with rage. I'm sorry. But anyway, I was like,

I'm gonna go to a cafe near the restaurant, I'm gonna read my book, and have a little night coffee to get me going for this dinner. I couldn't possibly imagine how this takes the turn of you canceling dinner. Or getting, I'm just assuming you cancel, but it could be different. No, it's even crazier. So I go to this little cafe, which shall not be named, but it looked cute. And they sometimes have live music. And you know me.

I love to be around live music. You just listed off a few concerts you're going to just in the next month. Yeah, next week, in fact. Whoa. I do love live music. And so I was like, oh, there'll be some live music. How fun will that be? I go into the cafe, I order a coffee, and of course the barista recognized me.

That's just something that happens in my life. If there's a gay barista, they know my work, okay? So I'm feeling it instantly at home in the cafe. I'm thinking they're going to give me a, they're going to really put their effort into my lot. Roll out the red carpet. Right. A little bit. And so I give, of course I give them a good tip. And then I'm listening to the live music over by the counter and there's a show going on. Somebody's singing. And this guy looks at me watching the music and he goes, and so I walk over to him and and he goes you need to pay if you're listening to the music

and I go oh I'm not going to stay for the show I'm waiting on a coffee I'm going to read my book over there in the like cafe part and he goes no if you're listening to the music you need to pay the cover and I was like okay you know at first I was annoyed but I was like actually maybe it would be nice to sit over here and I do he was like the money goes to the artist

and I was like well I do want to you know and who the hell is he by the way by the way he's working the he's the warden of the coffee shop well by the way and so

fascism fascism is here it's not going anywhere and let me tell you something Mary Beth democracy dies in darkness and I

so I said okay so I was like you know I'll pay it and I pay the cover now mind you I'm sure you're clocking this I'm being in this moment one of the most generous people to ever live because i could have told the guy to go fuck himself yeah and sat where i wanted to sit but i thought oh how nice am i i'm gonna pay

for the artist you're a proprietor of the arts i'm a proprietor of the arts and i'm a nice guy and so then i pay and before he removes the little you know thing to let me walk through because there's like a barrier like a rope kind of it's not doing much no it's not i could have walked right through it by the way yeah and but he removed before he does he turns me to another woman and she goes uh there's a ten dollar spending minimum and your coffee was only six this is in brooklyn in new york city america new york city usa planet earth i could not believe charlatans charlatans and they and and she And I said, hey, on that $6 coffee, I tipped $6. I tipped 100%.

She goes, yeah, but that doesn't count towards the tab. That just goes to the barista. To be a fly on the wall for this interaction. Because I just, like, what did you say? I said, I'm not buying another thing. I'm not staying long. And she said, well, there's a minimum. I said, keep the cover.

I'm leaving. And I took my coffee to go. And the barista literally actually handed it to me. My fan, mind you, she hands me the coffee and she goes, I'm so sorry. Yeah. Well, it falls on her. Well, she should have done something. As my fan.

I need. Step in. I need. Can you tell me the name and then we'll bleep it? We, me part of the producing team. Yeah, we. Well, when I'm the name And then we'll bleep it We Me part of the producing team Yeah yeah We Well when I'm in the edit

We'll bleep it It was called I actually Like Or something like that Okay It was actually really cute I just never want to go there

Yeah Well don't go You'll be extorted If you go I'm wondering That's racketeering That's racketeering There should be a Rico charge On the whole building The guy with the rope The woman behind the counter And I'm wondering. That's racketeering. That's racketeering. There should be a Rico charge

on the whole building. The guy with the rope, the woman behind the counter, and I'm sorry to implicate her because she's a fan. The barista's obviously part of it. Your silence is deafening. Your silence is deafening

and you let a queer guy be discriminated against. A member of the LGBTQ. Wow, pride's really over, I guess. Yeah, so I guess June is long in the past and long forgotten. What the heck? I couldn't believe it. And this is supposed to be New York City, mind you.

Where gay guys invented all kinds of things. Culture, for one. Like sex and books. Namely music. Music we invented. Cafes. Gay guys did invent cafes. And they also invented tap to pay.

But you know what? Gay guys also invented scamming. And that's where it all comes home to roost. Whoa. Are you crying? I have a tear. I knew that. Because that was pretty profound.

So one of six, huh? Yeah. I have more questions. Well, why don't you ask them? So I want to know what the musician was doing in this time. And also, how many other people were there? Did anyone witness this? Were you the sole audience member? potential audience member oh there was a big

audience watching actually i was really quite happy for the band i want to say there were four very cool very disaffected people staying next to me when it was happening that couldn't have been more than 22 years old okay so they don't even know how to read or count or do anything drive forget it i forget it. Drive, forget it. They got dropped off. They got dropped off. Probably by their rich parents, I'm guessing. And so they were there and they didn't care about my situation.

They couldn't look upon my plight and feel empathy for me. It's troubling. It is troubling. One, it's where we're headed. This whole damn country is going to hell. Well, I hate to bring it back to capitalism, but I blame capitalism. How do you feel about capitalism? Priority or con?

Well, I'm against it, except when it benefits me. It's working for you, though. You're doing well. I would say it's tough. It's a tough spot. It's what I was raised on. And I feel like I didn't understand how it was destroying democracy, society, everything, until the last few years.

Yeah. So it's been really hard to grapple with. It's also tough because I do understand why people hate capitalism, but it's at this point kind of like my, it's like my kind of like my comfort system. Well, I can't really imagine anything else. Yeah. It's just like, it's like an old blankie to me or something where I'm like, oh, I love that one.

Well, you know that I'm a blankie girl. You are a big blankie girl. I love my blankie. that was the name of your first half hour right yeah it was blankie girl but people kept spelling it wrong blankie is bl bl a n k i e thank you i was terrified you were gonna say e y e y that's like that's weird that's freak shit i don't like that and frankly fascism it it all comes back to that because democracy dies in the dark i wasn't sure if it was in darkness or in the dark fuck what do you say it's absolutely in darkness it's absolutely because i have listening comprehension yeah um i remember everything people say to me yeah do you yeah you are a terrifying individual because you have a calmness

and a in a wit about you that I said something similar to Bob the Drag Queen on the show. I do fear the day that you ever turn on me. I would never. I only want you on my team. And thank you for acknowledging that because I can be a very powerful antagonist when deployed as such. Well, I'm always doing math. I'm always doing, there's a lot of social politics going on. My brain is very busy. Yeah. And so just keep that in mind. I'm always doing there's a lot of social politics going on. My brain is very busy. So just keep that in mind whenever I'm interacting with anyone. Whenever you consider

crossing me. I have predicted the future because of how perceptive I am. I'm not kidding. Tell me one example. It's just going to be hard for me without going into detail. I think this is a space where you can. We have microphones and cameras set up. I predicted that someone was going to cheat on their partner Without going into detail. I think this is a space where you can. We have microphones and cameras set up specifically for this. I predicted that someone was going to cheat on their partner.

And I was right. Because of perception only. Not because I had talked to the person. Yeah. It was just based on perception. Can I tell you that for a second before I realized that you were hiding identities to be a good person, I thought you were being like, I predicted that cheating would occur somewhere in the world. And it did.

I thought you were just being like, I predicted that cheating would occur somewhere in the world and it did. Like, I thought you were just being like, I, you know what I mean? Like you were gonna be like, I predicted someone would evade fair and they, apparently they did. It just happened. Yeah. It actually just happened. Um, whoa, you predicted cheating on the partner. Yep.

I, yeah, I predict a lot of, I can predict a lot of relationship dynamics before they head that direction. Yeah. All it takes is one weird glance at a dinner and I'm like, I see the divorce playing out. Yeah. And it's just like picking up on things. And this is something straight men just don't have. It's just a, it's like an internal, I don't know.

I guess it's, it's on the genome or something. Well, it's an awareness of other people. Yeah. Yeah. It's a single second of thinking about another person that evades many straight men. Do you hang out with straight guys? A lot. Why?

A lot. Because? A lot. Because you do a podcast? Yes, because I podcast. And straight men are useful people to have around because if you can get them guilty enough about their position in the world, like straight white guys particularly, and oh God, if they come from money,

if you can get them good and guilty about their position in the world, you can get them to do pretty much anything. You can get them to do pretty much anything. Rake your yard. Put in an AC. Put in an AC. Move a mattress them to do pretty much anything. You can get them to do pretty much anything. Rake your yard. Put in an AC. Put in an AC. Move a mattress.

Yeah, move a mattress. You know, all kinds of stuff like that. Threaten people who owe you money. They really will. They'll work hard for you and they'll be loyal. I hadn't hung out with a straight guy other than my immediate family until I started dating a straight guy. And he had a bunch of straight male friends.

But they're British, so it's a little bit different right so I and then of course filming overcompensating there were several straight actors on the show and I was exhausted it was an exhausting practice yeah but it made me a better person yeah you're better for it I am better for it well in British people is so fun because they say words you don't expect and that you've never ever heard they'll call they'll call soccer footy or something like that. They'll call it footy. Oh, how lovely. They'll call your house the gaff. Yes. How fun. Partying, you're out on the

sesh. You're out on the sesh. Yeah, you're not in an apartment. You're really in many ways in a flat. In a flat. Yeah. When you think about it. That's so fun. Yeah. I almost wonder why we left them. I think it was capitalism or something. Something like that. They have no concept of the Revolutionary War,

which is something I love. It's sort of like how they don't teach us about Vietnam here. Yeah, they're just not thinking about it. Well, they're just like, what would this really do for us to reflect upon? So, they never heard of the about it. Well, they're just like, what would this really do for us to reflect upon? So they never heard of the Boston Tea Party. That's crazy.

I had some fun with that one. That's crazy. Also, my big theory, a gay guy thought of the Boston Tea Party. Absolutely. They're like, how do we hit him where it hurts? Let's put their fucking tea in the ocean. And some gay guy was like, dump that tea, honey. Just dump it overboard.

We'll laugh about it. You are comfortable speaking on gay men. Well, that's because I hang out with them so much. Well, you hang out with one. I hang out with many. All of my closest friends are gay guys. It's just Benny in different wigs. It's just Benny in different wigs.

He takes on many personas. Yeah. Oh, God, does he ever. I have some stand-up about this now, because I do have a lot of jokes about gay guys. It's only because I'm around them all the time, but also I grew up with a gay uncle. And so my relationship with the gay male community, he's still alive. Thank you.

Yeah. I'm not thinking he's gone. I'm just proud of you. Just for people that can't see this, you put your hand out to hold mine. Yeah. He's still with us, Uncle Greg. He's still with us. I didn't think he was dead.

I just wanted to thank you for your service, because so many girls do have a hesitancy around having a gay uncle. It's insane to me. They don't have a gay uncle. It's brought so much to my life. Yeah. What did he teach you? Well, that being gay is a thing. Yeah.

So that's number one. Which I could have been in the dark on for a really long time. Yeah. He also starts all of his texts to me with, hey, diva, which can be very powerful. And he's right. Very powerful. Yeah. And he's right because you are a diva. I am. And also, you are a diva i am and also uh you shouldn't be in the dark about gay you shouldn't

be in the dark about gay also he is like kind of a bitch sometimes of course which has given me a lot of permission in my life yeah to do the same yeah i see that for us and i also think uh you know gay people used to be interesting so many of these new model gays are not interesting well they're NPCs they're NPCs non-playable characters but we need NPCs

to fill out the world so I'm not mad yeah they're just like these gay people they're just gay in a way that I'm like you didn't get the kind of gay

I got where you have like opinions and taste you got the kind of gay where it's like you actually do just enjoy a certain kind of sex and we need people like that for sure they are they help keep the economy someone has to pay where it's like you actually do just enjoy a certain kind of sex. And we need people like that. For sure.

They help keep the economy. Someone has to pay the rent in Hell's Kitchen. They're buying concert tickets. They're paying rent in Hell's Kitchen. Absolutely. They keep Charlie XCX in skirts. And thank God. Yes, thank God.

Thank God. Keep that woman in tattered skirts. She's beautiful and talented. She is. And I want to say there's no group that has a higher volume of NPCs than white bisexual women. So I just want to make sure that no group that has a higher volume of NPCs than white bisexual women. So I just want to make sure that everyone knows that I also can recognize I hold the mirror up to society. But that's my job.

And I just want to say that I know within my community there's a lot of NPCs too. So bisexual, what is that all about? How do you split up the time? Are you doing open? Yeah. I mean, bisexual, it's a vibe. For many, many people, it's a vibe. I'm practicing.

You're practicing. There's practicing bisexuals and then there's non-practicing. Right. And the non-practicing, I am kind of like, well, then eat a or don't. That's kind of what I've been on. But it's hard because like you don't want to police people's sexualities but i do yeah i love policing everything i want to police i think we should have the police are going about it all wrong we don't need to police people like

trying to jump the turnstiles we should be policing women who claim to be bisexual who have never eaten or touched a vagina yeah that wasn't their own right i want to police things not with like a baton and a gun, but with a harsh little comment. And I think you do, and I think that's beautiful. That's beautiful. It's a lot more than the cops do now. What do they do now?

New York City cops park in the bike lane and play Candy Crush on their phone. They do. These motherfuckers. Oh my God. Don't get me started on how I would restructure the police in the city. Because then I know the podcast is only 90 minutes.

Yeah. And honey, we would cut it anyway. Because we do get a lot of money from the police to run the show. I actually knew that. They do. They fund it. They fund the So True podcast conglomerate.

And I'm happy to have the cash. I bought many properties off of it. Well, you're a property owner. Well, I am. How do you feel about being a property owner? Great. Great. Yeah. No qualms about it at all. No qualms. Well, you're a property owner. Well, I am. How do you feel about being a property owner? Great. Great. Yeah, no qualms about it at all.

No qualms. Well, you don't have people rent your house, right? I don't, but you know what's funny is they probably will come. I'm very involved in the tenant union. It's like my big thing. And my friend runs it. And so we have a lot of conversations about, you know, I do often float to her. I'm like, hey, we need good landlords, right?

Like that's part of the movement. And she's like, yes, but not really something you need to do. You know, like I'm always floating kind of like if I did buy a multifamily unit and rent it out as a source of income, what would that look like? I feel like if you do it, but you're not like gouging people, then it keeps prices down or something. Sure.

I bet there is some. I bet there is some. Like you're not making a huge profit or something. Yeah. Yeah. If I'm just being quaint about it. If you're being like cute. Yeah, if it's like adorable.

If I like paint it nice and I'm like, you guys come hang out here and throw me some cash. And when things are broken, you fix them and all that stuff. Right, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. Well, that would be more than a lot of landlords do. Most of them are just criminals. I actually do, I do want to run for office at some point on a very specific and hateful agenda. Like I want to run, I want to say like realtors, like realtors, the broker's fees, real estate brokers who take a fee to get someone an apartment, you'll be jailed.

Oh, for sure. If you take a broker's fee to help someone find an apartment to rent, enjoy prison. It's where you're going. No, all the drug offenders should be let out. They're getting out. It obviously goes without saying. Realtors in. A lot of people who

work in real estate are going into prison when i get into power the biggest thing that makes me feel like we're in a simulation is how many realty offices there are how many realtors there are yeah and how many properties they have in the window yeah who's buying all these like how are there that many what yeah and how are there so many realtors like what are you guys doing it's like mattress stores. Oh, my God. You go front for what? Front for what?

What's being fronted? I need to talk about corruption in the mattress industry really quick. Go for it. So if you buy a mattress from one of these little startups, these cutesy little startups, speaking of cutesy. Yeah. They'll be like, you have 100 days. If you don't like it, you could return it.

Right. Well, guess what? If you don't like it within 100 days, they say, we'll refund you and you keep you keep the mattress what the fuck am i gonna do with a mattress that i don't want to sleep on so then i have to dispose of it or put it on free cycle which i did but there's like 50 000 mattresses are go into landfills every day in america or something like that yeah i don't remember exactly but it's high yeah and i just think it's like those mattress companies should pick it up and bring it to like a shelter or something so it can be passed on. I don't want to contribute to the landfills. But like don't trick me into thinking that like I'm not – it's fucked up.

It's fucked up. It is. It's fucked up. Let me tell you a mattress story. Please. I went into a mattress firm when I moved to New York because I needed to get – I brought a mattress, my mattress from LA, my like nice mattress. But then I needed a mattress for my guest room, okay? Sorry, I have a guest room. Apologize more and apologize more sorry i literally am sorry i know that's fucked

up it's just how things are right now and don't worry if things start going bad i'll have to enjoy it enjoy it hey have fun with that people are starving i but they're not but they're not starving in my guest room because i went to mattress firm to get them a mattress i walk in five guys sitting at computers no one wants to hop up and help oh i mean retail in general i want to hear the rest of the story we've talked about retail so i no one wants to help so i walk back to where they're all five milling on their computers and i go hey fellas looking for a mattress you know the thing is something it'll spark like a trigger in them that they'll go oh yes i work at the mattress store perhaps i can help you no such luck these fucking guys they go what's your budget i tell them my budget and uh

they go we don't have anything for that and i go okay thank you and i go to leave and they go well hold on and i go what is what could there possibly be to say and they go well we can try to get you down so then oh i didn't know you could haggle mattresses well you can but when they said they have nothing at all i was like oh you must not even be in the range. So then they tried to give me a mattress for $400 more than what I said my budget was. And I go, hey, whether or not I have that money, I'm not spending it here today on a mattress. No. I'm here to get a mattress for my guest room that is this cheap.

And he goes, wait, what's the max number you can spend really? And I said, not can spend. Will spend. And it is this number the one i said when i walked in and he goes hold on he walks over and talks to one of the other guys doing absolutely fucking nothing and he comes back and he goes we can do that can you pay cash and i go yeah so so i did and i don't know what i some i'm sure that when i handed over that bill some kid in a coal mine somewhere in a country I haven't heard of was somehow forced to work an extra hour or something.

I know that I inadvertently, unwillingly participated in a butterfly effect of unethical labor practices. Right. But I did get that mattress. Well, my thing – first of all, I'm really glad you got the mattress. Thank you. first of all i'm really glad you got the magic so here's my thing lately well there's this whole thing i don't even know where to start right now i worked in retail for many many years and i paid my dues i did my service and i'm not talking like softball retail jobs i worked at sephhora. Right. Okay. I know.

I was out there on the front fucking lines. You were leaving Sephora and going to UCB classes. I was. Don't I know it. And so I've been there. I know what it takes. I know how hard it is on the feet and the bones and the body. But there's something happening in retail right now.

There is a shift where it is truly like good fucking luck. You walk into the store. The people are just on their phones on the floor. I don't care, by the way. Do what you have to do. But if I do need to ask something, I would love to be given the space to do that, essentially. Just create a little space for me to ask one question. I don't need you to give me your full attention.

Just a little bit. Sephora's in a crisis right now. We just, Sydney Washington, two weeks ago, did this show. And on her episode, she talked about going to a Sephora and basically, you know, you have to fire a gun in there to get someone

to look at you. You can't get any help. They're severely understaffed at all times, especially the ones in New York. Yeah. But the thing that's funny,

not a lot of people know this to all the makeup girlies and guys and non-binary individuals listening. Right. Thank you for capturing

every, it's a big umbrella. You can return anything at Sephora at any time. Yeah, really. A lot of people don't know that. You can return. Thank you for capturing everything. It's a big umbrella. You can return anything at Sephora at any time. Yeah, really. A lot of people don't know that. You can return open things. Really?

Yeah. I wouldn't think to. Yeah. I don't have the mind of a scammer. Me neither. I don't. I've only done that when I wasn't actually going to use the product. I opened it and it wasn't the right shade or something.

But yeah, I mean, I don't. And that's not. I guess if you're in the LGBTQ, you should use that to scam. Yeah. If you're not, then don't. But again, it's like corporate America or whatever. So maybe do. I don't know.

I don't know who's being punished if you return things at Sephora, if you like over-return things at Sephora. Well, somewhere, some child in some coal mine in some country you haven't heard of has to stay late at their shift. They have to stay. It's really not funny. You just at their shift. They have to stay. It's really not funny. You just can't win.

They have to stay one extra hour. Yeah, like a boss comes down and says, hey, sorry, you got to stay an extra hour. Well, I had this bit of stand-up that never really worked, but I was like, I shop at Brandy Melville because if I don't, then the children who make the clothes will lose their jobs. the clothes will lose their jobs. Why wouldn't it work? That's a great premise. It's just a little dark. That's a great premise.

It's just dark. Well, we hate dark because that's where democracy lies. Well, people don't want to think about child labor, but then they shop at Brandy Melville, so I'm like... The fact of the matter is... Hi, mirror society.

Take a long hard look. Yeah. You're the only bisexual woman who's willing to take a look at stuff i will say you've taken a look i have a curious mind and you're reflecting i'm trying that gay uncle really sparked something in you yeah i mean the more i learn i'm just like wow i have a lot of work to do you are a bit of a social justice diva you do this is my new sorry i just saw my uncle greg for a second this is my new interview style Sorry, I just saw my Uncle Greg for a second. This is my new interview style.

So tell me about that. Tell me about social justice. Well, we don't call them social justice warriors anymore because anti-violence, pacifism, social justice, diva, peace. Right. It implies peace. We just want peace for everyone in social. That's the goal of it all. Yeah.

I have a question for you. Well, you were quite successful, Mary Beth. Thank you. Things are going really well. I mean, I don't have a guest room. Right. Well, you don't need one. You're just out and about. I don't have guests.

You're out and about all the time. Well, I was, yeah. So I do have a guest room and obviously I hate that that came back. And obviously probably we'll cut it. But Mary Beth, you're doing well. Okay. You've got the Ride podcast. You're a successful standup. You've got the Ride podcast. You're a successful stand-up.

You're beloved. You're a huge star in overcompensating that's coming out in the spring likely. I don't know what dates. So I can only say in the spring I think. But everything's going really well for you. I hope you feel. Thank you. And what do you want?

I ask people on this show. What's the point? I want to have autonomy in the projects that i do i want to get to a place where i can get things made and where i can say no to things that i don't think are good yeah and only say yes to things that i think are good yeah do you do you feel that you're not at the place to say no to bad things yet have you have you not been not really it depends on like who's involved and you know it's interesting because sometimes you'll get presented with opportunities that you know morally you should say no to and you think if the offer was a little better i would do it for sure but you say no because the offer is just not i've yeah i've

definitely gotten offers that i'm like it's easy to be moral on this one because you didn't do the money right exactly had you done the money right questions would be asked or it's like if it's an audition versus like you know getting an offer or something it's like, if it's an audition versus like, you know, getting an offer or something, it's like, well, if I have to put effort in to maybe get something that I would feel bad about doing,

then I probably won't do it. Yeah. But if it was like, given to me, then I would think about it. Yeah, you're like, I'm not going to self-tape in blackface,

but if I come to set, and they're like, and they're like, we'll do it for you, then it's a different thing. You're going to try to get me on record to say that I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that.

I'm not saying that. But I want saying that. I'm not saying that. But I want to do stand-up, acting, writing, all that stuff. That's what drives me. It's what fuels me. I am career obsessed, again, probably due to capitalism. And gay uncle. And gay uncle and this just severe need to succeed. But I will say I was reflecting on the year a little bit.

And I didn't do a full smile with teeth but i smirked thinking about the year can you give us what you did just a little i did i put a special out on youtube yeah that i self-produced i did uh the tonight show for the second time i filmed this tv show that you were in that we're all excited about overcompensating i wrote on the show and then i have an indie movie coming out in a couple weeks that I am excited. Like, I was leading a movie, so that's cool. Hey, Beth. I'm very proud of you.

Thank you. And now I'm going on tour. I keep forgetting to tell people that. This is a place where you should say that. I'm going on tour. Yeah. And how I'm framing it is if you live near a major city, I'll be in a city near you. Yeah.

And when do you start the tour? It starts in October. In October. This month. What date? Do you remember? October 18th in Seattle. Oh, this comes out on the 17th. Oh my God. So October 18th in Seattle. Do you know how many cities you're doing? I don't know because counting is hard. Right. But it's a number. Yeah. And you're doing a lot of them. I'm doing a number and it's like Seattle, LA, Philly, DC uh stanford i'm doing a hometown show in connecticut

new york and then uh san francisco boston i think that's it boston's a fun one those are all fun i love that's gonna be a blast i think so too are you taking an opener with you are you having local openers i think i'll do a mix i think so chelsea holmes friend of the show i'm guessing uh was gonna do chicago but then booked something, so she's not able to. Well, yeah, that's an individual who shaky morals at best. Well, looking out for number one. Always looking out for number one. Yes, always looking out for number one.

Yeah. Yeah, I really can't get into that. Kidding. Love you, Holmes. No, that's so exciting. Tour. Go see Mary Beth on tour. I love that.

I have a new hour, so it's cool. I can't wait to see it. It's a little heady. It's just heady. I can't write about fluff. I have to talk about serious things, which as a blonde person, I will say the perception has changed. Sometimes I say things on stage and I'm like, it would have gotten a bigger laugh if I was

brunette. Yeah. Unfortunately, that's just the way the world works. God, that's so sick. I'm sorry if I start crying because that is so sick. Yeah. You shouldn't have to. God, that's so sick. I'm sorry if I start crying because that is so sick. Yeah. You shouldn't have to put up with that. I know.

Your hair color should not determine who you can love. And what you can say. And what you can say. But it does. And who you can be on stage. It does. And what persona you can kind of live in on stage. That's sick.

Yeah. I have noticed about my stand-up that I can really only structure a set around a story about my life. Like, I can't – when I try to sit down and write something that has nothing to do with something I've experienced, when I'm just like – when I'm just looking at the news or just looking at a little thing I've noticed, it all has to move through a story about me or I can't get there. But I think that's a really beautiful way of structuring a show. It feels good.

I can't do that really. I kind of do the opposite. I'm wondering where you get your news from when you're reading the news oh breitbart fox yeah any of those good ones uh yeah what uh youtube youtube yeah any youtube creator if you've got yeah if you've got a ring light i'm listening um twitter or pardon x um yeah anything that elon's reposting yeah i'm looking into yeah he well he's very he loves science and things like that. And truth. Yeah, he's a truthful guy and definitely not the devil incarnate.

No, where am I actually getting my news? Probably genuinely Instagram. I'm on Insta Stories, looking through grids and posts. And links even. And links even sometimes. What about you? I got a subscription to The Atlantic, which I feel good about. That's huge. And the only reason I did is because

they put our podcast in the top 25 podcasts of last year and I couldn't take a screenshot if I didn't have a subscription. So... So I was like, what the hell? It's like journalism or whatever. And then I also subscribed to The New York Times, which I know is like controversial or something.

But I do feel that I get a lot from it. So I just don't read the stuff that is like bigoted. Yeah, that's good. I try not to. I don't really try to read the news much at all, actually. I try to avoid the news like a plague. I really try to avoid current events. And I can't.

I'm somebody who does know what's going on. Yeah. Almost exclusively against my will. Yeah. I'm trying to be so ignorant to the world. I want to know nothing of what's going on. I would like to be a guy who you go, oh my God, did you hear about the news that everyone's talking about?

And I go, whoa, what? Yeah. But I'm not that guy. I am not such a man. I feel the same. And I really sometimes just want to to unplug, but I can't. I'm a current events diva. Yeah.

I can't help it. I'm locked in. I do like to, I guess what I, sometimes I think I'm informed on stuff, and then I talk to my siblings, and I'm like, I actually have no idea what's going on. But sometimes they can give me the spark notes of something that happened, and that's really helpful. That's beautiful. And then I can pass that on an even smaller soundbite to someone else. Yeah. And then they can, it continues to get smaller.

Yeah. And then it's like, what, what even did happen? And you can pass it on to your children as well. Like you can really play with that. Your dog. Yeah. That kind of information passing can live forever. That's beautiful.

And I just like how it morphs and changes, you know? Yeah. What is fact anymore? Like a game of telephone. Well, there is no truth. And I think that's been a beautiful development of the last 10 years. You're on board. Oh, yeah.

I think a post-truth society is really going to serve us. I like that everyone lives in their own reality and thinks it's the only one. I think that's going really well for us. No one more so than realtors, I would say. Realtors. God, don't get me started. Well, they're getting paid $20,000 to find someone an apartment on Zillow. These fucking criminals.

I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I know. Especially in New York. I don't know. Did you have a realtor when you found your place?

In New York, yes, you have to. In LA, no. Do you know what they have in LA? Laws. And so, you know, if you use a broker and your apartment's more than like $3,000 a month for the total, like if you have roommates or whatever, for the total, the landlord has to pay the fees. The renters don't.

Which makes sense. That's like a common sense protection that New York has. I'm like, what are we doing? I don't know. I guess there's just so many problems here that it's like we have to fix other stuff first. Yeah, murder. Murder.

But is that getting better? I don't know. I don't know what's going on with murder generally. I think it's down. Really? Overall. Actually, I do know. From the 70s to now, violent crime, I guess I could be wrong.

I really think I'm right about this. Chance, tell me. But I think violent crime is way down in the last several decades. I think that's the truth. You know, one of the most radicalizing things I ever learned, most of them obviously were in college. Yeah. And I very vividly remember reading an assigned reading in ever learned, most of them obviously were in college. Yeah. And I very vividly remember reading an assigned reading in undergrad in, I believe it was a history class. Might have been Dr. Neely.

Shout out, Dr. Neely. Love you. Can I ask where you went to school? Missouri State. I love that. The Harvard of Southern Missouri. Mm-hmm. It was like an inverse where it's like the people most afraid of crime are like suburban and rural white people who are the least likely to experience any of it.

And all of our fucking policy decisions are based on the minds of these fucking psychos, many of whom I love and are people I know. But I'm like, we're basing our entire country system around you being afraid of things that don't even happen to you. These paranoid freaks that are like, oh, the crime. It's like nothing happens to you. No. Nothing happens to you. And you probably don't even lock your doors. You just go to work. You just drive your Tahoe to your job.

And then you come home and nothing happens to you. And we're building a whole country around your paranoia. Well, one of our co-stars wally was reading a book she was on like page two which i love to catch someone at the beginning of reading a book because then they're different at the end yeah and it's something about and i don't remember the title but she said that most pharmaceutical drugs are they don't test on women they only test it on men yeah and like women predict i don't know because like humans grow in women and evolution only happened because of like women or something right but basically it's like why would you only test on it's like what you're

saying it's like we're basing all these decisions on like what's safe off of like a fraction of the population or the conditions that people actually live under and i it's just like it's almost laughable where i'm like how is this still happening like it's just so stupid it doesn't make any sense i'm feeling really really, really bad right now. I straight up in this, until this moment, I did not even know that women took medicine. Yeah. I had no clue. I thought y'all were just.

Well, if doctors had anything to say about it, we wouldn't. Yeah. Because they don't believe women's pain. And it's even worse for like women of color. Yeah. It's like a whole thing. Yeah. I just, I thought y'all were just freaking it raw style.

Well, we are very strong. Yeah. Well, that's what I thought. Mentally resilient and physically as well. What'd you find out about Crime Chance? So you actually are absolutely correct. It peaked in the late 80s under Reagan. Funny.

Reaganomics. And it has been steadily declining ever since. Wow. You wouldn't know that, though. You would not know that by the tone of things. You would never think that. Well, this whole damn country's going to hell. Sorry.

That's my catchphrase for your episode. Wait, we have a voicemail. Oh, my God. Cool. From our fans. You want to listen? Yeah. Let's hear what they're wondering about. Okay. Sorry, that's my catchphrase for your episode Wait, we have a voicemail Oh my god, cool From our fans, you want to listen? Yeah Let's hear what they're wondering about Okay These headphones

Okay, we did it Enjoy Thanks So basically I have this theory It's a working theory Where I believe that cats Are tuned into the frequency of telepathy. So basically, all cats are telepathic,

and we as humans have the ability to tap into that universal telepathy frequency on occasion. And we do this all the time. So let me know what your thoughts on that are i love you i love you too i want to ask our fans to stop smoking so much weed before they call it that feels like lsd to me you think they're doing lsd there's just something going on with my callers they're not calling in in a right state of mind i love you i'm deeply interested in your question but do first okay let me just say my take, which is that, no, I don't think that's true. I don't think cats are telepathic, and I don't think we can tap into telepathy with them.

That's my take. Here's what I'll say. Oh, boy. Here I go, stirring controversy on the pot again. Oh, gosh. I can just see the comments now. Here's the thing. Cats get a lot of credit that dogs deserve dogs are more intelligent

and empathetic than cats i think on the whole because i don't think that laziness is intelligent and cats are fucking lazy it's pathetic the way that cats are the way they just fucking lay around and literally like they just have no regard for anybody they just like well they see a hair tie and they're like a toy they're like that's a toy it's like you're an idiot a dog knows that a ball is a toy like i don't know like i just think dogs have a loyalty and a playfulness in them that that's the other thing is cats are ironically detached they are ironic they are detached they are it's a heady intellectual sort of thing with them but like dogs are smart enough to know that being dumb is fun

and they're playing with intelligence. They're playing with stupidity. I agree. It's like when I act dumber as a blonde, it's to become more lovable. Yeah. And that's kind of the game dogs are playing at all times. Yeah. And you're winning people over.

You're bringing them in with like, oh, I'm like a blonde. And then they get to know you and it's like, you've actually read books and stuff. And you're actually a member of the Atlantic. Blurring them in. Right. I'm a member of the Atlantic. you're a founding board member of the atlantic i also think in the dog community there's just there's a lot more social politics which i like like there's nobody like defending different breeds of cats there's no like violent cat breeds

there's no cat breeds that have been banned in the uk yeah it's like the dog community they're like they have they're like main character energy cats are not divisive yeah it's like the dog community they're like they have their like main character energy cats are not divisive yeah it's very and i know that because i used to have a i used to have a joke about pitbulls and it did not go over well well pitbull people good lord you give these people a fucking inch i mean pitbull people my god they act like they've gone they act like we're having the civil war or something oh and by the way my assumptions about pitbulls are just based on everything i know about them they're like actually you about pitbulls are just based on everything I know about them. They're like, actually, you think pitbulls are violent.

I'm like, yeah, well, I think I just saw three news stories about a kid getting mauled to death by one. So I don't know what you're tapped into that I'm not. But yeah, pitbulls are a little scary. They're scary. And I am sorry. I'm sure there's a sweet one you'd come across every now and then. It's like the police to me. There's probably a few good apples but yeah if they're killing people i don't want to hang out with them yeah and also here's the thing about pitbull people you tell me that a corgi is charging at you and a pitbull is

charging at you trolley trolley problem you can okay you're on a trolley on one side there's an angry pitbull on one side there's an angry cor. Are you pulling the fucking lever or not, my friend? And I guarantee you go corgi every time if we're playing a numbers game. Don't fucking play in my face about pit bulls. It's about nurture, not nature. Fuck that. I'm sorry. There might be some nice ones, but overall.

You are making me so mad about that. I know. I can't stop stirring controversy on this pod i think it's good it's healthy like sometimes i see robbie hoffman tell jokes and i'm like i wish i could just stir the pot in that way i don't think it i don't think it's perceived the same because for me my whole thing is about perception like anyone can say anything there's no like laws against that but it's how will it be perceived and is it going to make people uncomfortable? And I feel like I wish I could toe the line a little bit more.

Well, you yeah, you I think there are just certain identities and certain different things that we occupy. Like Robbie occupies a very particular space where she can go to the margins. And she doesn't care if people are mad. Do you know who I do? Who do you think is our most fearless working comedian? Like genuinely fearless, not in the stupid conservative way where they just say dumb shit and expect us to think they're brave.

I'm talking like truly fearless. Because I know mine. Say it. Chris Fleming. Oh my. Chris Fleming. I can't believe you just brought this up. Chris Fleming is the most fearless, brilliant.

I think Chris Fleming is genuinely the funniest living comedian that we have. You know why? Because he just, he speaks on things and he doesn't care if there's repercussions. Like he speaks on, on structures and like these, I'm trying to think of the word. It's like he, he came out against SNL, which I think is very powerful. Well, we're waiting on that movement by the way. But he, we never even talked about the fact that we're waiting on that movement, by the way.

We never even talked about the fact that we screen tested together. We screen tested together. We did. Two summers ago. And this could have been happening at 30 Rock. It could have. We can update. Oh, God.

Actually, here's the thing. We would murder that. I know. But we would never be Che and Jemisin. I know. We could never be. We could never be because they're our founding fathers.

But Chris also isn't cloying the way that so many comedians right now, especially in the age of the internet making and breaking careers, so many people are cloying at relatability. They're grasping for it. Anything that they think people will attach to. Chris will go on stage and talk about something that he has. He will use words, phrases that people have never heard. Because it's the way he uses language to be funny. Yeah.

He's not using lowest common denominator, even topics, I would say. Yes. But then he'll say something about a very mainstream project or piece of media where I'm like, I wouldn't say that because if I did, I'd be scared that the people that made it would then hate me and I would never work. But it just seems like Chris has just carved out this space for himself where he can truly say anything about anything and i really believe that yeah and it's like he's like shakespeare he's a genius he's a genius and he's the exact to me he's the antidote of what i hate about the culture right now which is like this like boring repeated garbage of like people just

saying the same five words and being like that's a big slay mama or whatever the fuck i'm like that can be fun sometimes to traffic in. But when it's your only way of relating to people, which is a lot of younger comics right now, you shouldn't be doing this art form, or you should at least get better at it. But someone like Chris, yeah, just exists in his own. He's a true original. Well, so many comics these days are building their whole, I guess,

presence around affectation. It's not that what they're saying is funny. It that they're doing a little a little accent a little something a little bit or they're using words like slay and like and whatever and it's like that's not that's not like a voice that's not a perspective right that's not a point of view so i feel like if that's if that's all you have is you're doing things in a funny little voice like maybe like read some more right and by the way a funny little voice is an excellent tool to deploy every once in a while here and there. Funny little voice can be such a fun thing, but it's like point of view and taste I feel

are so dying slash dead. Like at least on the, definitely on the business side, taste is out. Taste and risk are so far out the window. These people, so many of them have no taste and take zero risks. But even on the artist side, I'm like, I do see a lot of like copycat carbon copy stuff. Cause people are grasping at the relatability and the virality so that they can build a career, which I deeply understand.

We're all implicated in it, but there is a lack of point of view, genuine, original point of view. What do you actually think? Tell me one thing. Tell me one thing. And if you can't answer that to me in a conversation,

how are you going to be a like i don't get it because i just think unfortunately i feel like being a comedian now is what being a musician was in the 90s where like it looks cool sexy fun and like you can just sort of like hop into it and be successful which i'm just like no you have to like work at it you have to refine your voice you have to have something to say like you can't just get up there and say like meaningless bullshit. I mean, you can, people go, I see people going viral online built on that alone and good for you if you can get some money from it. I don't know if it has longevity. I don't know if you'll be happy and proud of like the body of work if you don't have a point of view. I just don't know like what drives you. Yeah. And I also don't think that

the body of work is a consideration for a lot of those people. I don't think they're thinking about a body of work. I don't think they're thinking about a piece. I think they think of the hour, they think of an hour of standup as, can I physically keep my body up here long enough to justify the ticket sales and move on to the next city so I can, they're like snake oil salesmen, really. They're like, can I take my wagon to the next town and scam those people? And how long can I keep this going without them realizing that the oil does nothing? But it's, they don't view it as a piece they don't think of themselves as trying to say or reveal something or speak any kind of truth about themselves or their their place in the world it's just like can I string words together for an hour and make that ticket sales

and and you know what many of them can and if you can get people to pay for it then more power to you but but you're not my peer you're not my peer you're not my peer well yeah you're not my peer but you know who is my peer mary beth barone caleb mary beth barone is my peer mary mary elizabeth barone i have a question for you you know this podcast mary beth it's um well we five to seven billion listeners a week a huge show the population of New York the population of New York five to seven billion yeah people love it but they mostly love it because they want to know what's so true to you and I'm asking you that here today wow so it can be anything just what's so true to you just like whatever's whatever cross you would hill you would die on cross you

bear what's something that's so true to you so i'm glad you asked right i've been thinking about this a lot of course i think future generations will view guns the way we view those medieval torture devices that ripped people apart limb from limb right i think the fact that people can buy a device that would kill someone instantly right and that in our city there's a lot of people just walking around with them like on their hip yeah we'll feel so alien to future generations because nobody should have that in at their fingertips you do agree we should have the right to them though right i think i think we should have a right to defend ourselves yeah no i don't no i just don't i'm just, I think it's crazy and I think we need to just they shouldn't exist anymore.

We can send emails now. You don't need a gun anymore. Yeah. An email can be so much worse than a bullet wound. Agreed. In fact, most I get feel like I've been shot. And I understand why you're a survivor. Yeah, I've been through

you know how many emails I've read and even by the way almost unthinkably responded to only to receive another one

sometimes instantly sometimes sometimes instantly do you ever wait to respond to an email for like two weeks respond and within minutes they've gotten back

to give you a new task well you see the yellow thing at the bottom good lord showing see more one on red oh god but anyway you were saying you love guns i love guns i think we need more no i just feel like it's like i sort of get when like war was more of like a thing to accomplish something

which now i feel like it it's not anymore yeah that i get why guns were invented but i just don't think we like we don't think we... We don't use bayonets anymore for a reason. We've evolved past that. But for some reason, guns are sticking around. And I just really feel that in the future, we're going to be appalled at the fact that anyone had them. I don't think most police officers want the...

How have we not invented something that can stop someone in their tracks that doesn't instantly kill them? Yeah, like an insult. That feels like a huge market opportunity. Exactly. Gay guys have been using this for years. Gay cops. More gay cops. Law enforcement divas.

The perpetrators running away. You just say something that makes them stop dead in their tracks. Something so cutting. A lot of people pretend to like you, but they're putting up with you mostly. The criminal just freezes, drops the big bags with money signs on them that they stole from the bank that'd be awesome it's worth a try should we write a gay cop show where they replace guns with um with insults witticisms with cunning remarks with cunning remarks i you know oftentimes i i

the most complicated political issues often find me boiling my politics down to like, oh, I'm a – I have a – it makes me feel childish. Like I feel childish when I think about guns because I go, you do realize if we just took every gun that currently exists and melted it and then we never made any more, no one would ever get shot to death again. And I feel that – but that's so childish and i know i can hear the right wing response that where they're like well that's impossible and like but the thing is it's so deeply possible it's so possible it's so deeply possible and i think the same thing with war and i talked a little bit about this publicly like when uh the like like last year in october when the israel palestine stuff really started coming back into the consciousness and a lot of new people were tuning in where i was like you know i feel childish but like i just wish war i why are we

doing war why i don't but it's like a childish thing to say but it's like we could just not literally not do that that's my thing there's no need for any of it we could get rid of guns we could also just give everyone a house like with another childish thing where you're like oh so there's just empty houses and apartments and buildings sitting all over new york and then there's people who sleep on the streets in conditions that can kill them. Why? It makes no fucking sense. I agree.

And this is why we're running. This is why we're running. Well, I feel like, yeah. I don't know when that change will happen. But I do feel like people will just be stunned that we ever didn't do those things. The war thing in 2024, I just can't wrap my mind around. I cannot wrap my mind around it. God, we are so brave.

I know. Me and you sitting in this room, we've done more than most. Sitting at HeadGum Studios, talking about how we should get rid of... Melt all guns. Melt guns. I'm so down, though. Melt guns at HeadGum Studios.

I guess there's then people that will be like, what about people that hunt for their food and stuff? But I don't know. Could we stop that too? Didn't we do that before we had guns? Yeah, good point. Sorry, I learned archery as a kid. Become more skilled.

I literally learned archery as a kid. I actually, I know that people can kill a turkey with a bow and arrow. I've seen it happen. It's actually literally possible. That was one of your classes at Missouri State? No, honey. This was elementary school. And I won an archery competition in summer school.

Why were you in summer school? For fun. We were poor. Yeah. So that's a camp, but different. Yeah. So I know that you were going to try and do an angle where maybe I was like failing or stupid or something, but actually you'll be dismayed to know that it was poverty.

I thought maybe you were teaching. I don't know. I thought maybe they brought, I never thought it was because you were failing. Right. Just for the record. Is that true? You never once considered that? I wouldn't consider that for one single they brought, I never thought it was because you were failing. Right. Just for the record. Is that true? You never, you never once considered that?

I wouldn't consider that for one single second. Yeah. You see me. I see you. You know that I'm an academia diva. I know. Well, it's just nice to talk to a smart person every once in a while.

Just once in a while. It's exhausting to do it all the time. Yeah. And that's why I'm so tired. But, Yeah. It's, it's nice to,

to do it. It is nice to be around them. To feel those feelings. Also, what is a better feeling than being in an echo chamber? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Isn't that nice? You say it, and then they just say it right back. They ring it back, and you knew that they would.

That's awesome. Being in a room where your opinion is the only one is amazing. Well, that's all I want to do. Well, it's like church. It's a lot like church. That's why people go to church. It's just an echo chamber. Were you raised in a religion?

Yes. Tell me. Christianity. Which one? Well, non-denominational. Okay, progressive. No, you wish. Non-denominational really where I'm from is the word for we don't care about a lot of stuff other than the money.

And so there's like a cool big band. But it's like still they're Christian with it. It was fine. I mean, it wasn't as conservative as, of course, deep, deep Southern Baptists or something. But the ideas were all still floating around in there. Something I've been thinking about doing is registering as a church so I don't have to pay taxes. And then I can donate money to causes that I think are important instead of militarizing the country further. I don't know if that's something you've thought about.

I actually legitimately, I'm not kidding, I've thought about this a lot, and I want people to know that when I do eventually find a way to make my whole thing a religion, it won't be because I'm trying to have a cult where people hurt themselves or anything. It will be exclusively to evade taxes, because here's the thing. I love paying taxes in theory. Me too. I genuinely love giving a portion of my money to the government under the understanding that they're going to take care of people with it they don't but when they're just giving guns to other countries to kill people i'm like but i don't want to give you my money then i'd like mine back yeah i want you

to deduct like five ar-15s from what you just did and send that check back to even bombs like even bombs well that part i'm actually cool with. No, I'm kidding. No, I'm kidding. I don't like those either. But I do. You know, it's funny. When I was growing up, I started in high school experimenting with my political ideas.

And I would be like, I think I'm liberal and I think I don't mind paying taxes. I was like, I think taxes are a good thing. And at every stage of my life, conservative people in my life, older than have told me for different reasons, you'll feel differently someday. And they go, they go, Oh, when you get a job, you'll feel differently. And then I got a job and I didn't feel differently. And then they're like, well, when you get a real job, cause I was a server, that's by the way, they, they, they were like, when you get it, when you make real money, you'll, you'll feel different. And then I got a full-time job in Chicago, you know? And then they're like, well, when you're a little older and then now I'm older and I make more money than all of them combined. And I'm like, I still don't feel differently.

The only thing that's changed is I feel more and more certain that people with money have a responsibility to pay their part. And I feel more and more pissed off that it's not happening. That's all. And just corporations not paying. Right. I don't understand that. How are they getting out of it? How am I paying more tax as an individual than some companies?

Crazy. It's crazy. But we'll circumvent that eventually when we can become a church. Our church would be so actually good. It'd be so fun. What do you think would be some of the tenants? Like, first of all, relax. First of all, relax, number one.

Chill diva. Two, be nice to people. Right. Three, just like, I don't know. Unless they're not deserving. Well, but that's when you get into like 2A, 2B. Right, 2A, 2B, 2C. Well, that's why you need to have some sort of document with like guiding principles.

Right. But I also think just like give people the benefit of the doubt. To me, that's an important one. They need to earn your contempt. And also like take pride in your work. That's something I've talked about on my podcast. Yeah, take some pride in your work. Whatever that looks like to you.

Yeah. Because a lot of people aren't doing that they're missing that part that piece has gone missing but i think just like love love do you know what i mean well that is the thing i can get down with about any religion when the people are just doing love with it i'm like that's yeah it's just unfortunate how much of that gets like lost yeah when it's when it's like an organized religion i don't know there's just like i feel like there's just corruption whenever there's an opportunity for people to gain power yeah so in our church maybe we don't have like a hierarchical structure right obviously it'll be you and i like sort of at the helm like we'll be making a lot of some peons underneath that do our

bidding right a big you and i and our hinge people but then other than that it'll be like very like low well and then you can pay to get to different levels of course right right and eventually there'll be restrictions on who sleeps with who and things like which one of us is going to go missing you i feel it feels a little trite to be honest for the woman to go missing totally it's played out but in the same way i think if i went missing the community would just not be able to go on that's fair it's not it's not fair it's fair it's about see it's how it's about compromise yeah so what would you want from me in return so you're gonna go missing when someone needs to go missing yeah i think that's fair what do you need from me back just like just don't let the don't let don't get drunk with power because you'll have no one checking

and balancing you i cannot promise that is there something else i could do for you just because you know me like the power might i just want to be totally transparent at all times like the power might go to my head do you feel like when you do you feel like when you reach the like the top of your success which you'll stay at for a really long time are you going to become a monster i actually think if we're being genuine, the funny answer is yes, but the genuine answer is I think that the second I get, I think I'll go away. I think I'll go away.

You're going to pull a Dave Chappelle, come back totally transphobic? Yes. Yeah. Well, I'm transphobic now, so I think going away will only build that resolve in me. Right. Yeah, I'm going to come back

and be more transphobic than I am. Now, I'll always love trans people i think as i do now but i think shout out to trans people i know many of you keep the lights on here um on the so true podcast i know i do think i'll go away i think it'd be very powerful to go i've been on a big people are tired of hearing me say at this point but i've been on a big let us miss you kick but what i what i would strongly encourage you to do is first get an overall deal at a streamer so that while you're gone and creating nothing you're still getting paid every year well that's the incredible thing about overall deals is you don't have to make anything you barely have to think of anything people get these overall deals and do nothing they just go on vacation I don't know I don't know what every once in a while I think they go hey what about two teenagers that

are vampires and they go to you know driving school or something and then the network goes no and then they go well i still want my check and the network goes we have no choice well it's contractual yeah which is beautiful i think it's beautiful i love contracts yeah i love them when because when you can get out of them yeah well i love contracts that benefit me and i hate them when they restrict. Totally agree. You know? Completely agree. Would you do a prenup if you got married soon? No. Really?

No, I don't think so. I will. You will? Yes. Prenup for sure. Really? Prenup for sure. Absolutely. You don't think it like means something like negative?

I think something negative would be you taking all my money. I think something negative would be splitting the house. No, I think, look, I love you. I'm sure we'll be in love whoever I get married to, but I think,

you know, I'm not, but here's the deal. I'm not going to ask you to stay home with the kids or anything either. Feel free to go work. Sure.

Feel free to go work. You can stay in our house. I'll get us a nice one. Right. But you know, if we divorce. Well, what would be great is to marry

someone who makes the same amount or more i would say and here's what i'll tell you if i married someone who was far wealthier than me which i don't see happening i've been looking i haven't found one but if i did marry someone who's i would i would i would like to send a prenup as well i would still like to send a prenup i would tell them because i would trust here's what i would trust if i married someone that had less of a financial situation of stability or whatever than me, then if we were divorced, I would like to trust that we would get divorced in a way where I would still take care of them. Totally.

You know, I would help out. I wouldn't be a psycho about it. And I would like to think I would work in the opposite way too. But I love the prenup. I think the prenup is a beautiful piece of contract. Yeah. It's one of my favorite contracts. I want to know more about the history of restraining orders and who wrote the the first one who threw the first brick no not yet i think i will i really

see that for myself in the future absolutely i'd love to i think it'd be very very fun for you to take a restraining order out against me it just has a stunt like as a stunt like to have it in the news or something well how cool is it to say like legally don't come near me yeah it's like don't invite marybeth i can't come if you do unfortunately there is like legalese yeah to say that we cannot be in the same place there's paperwork her lawyers can can collaborate with the law with the law with the conspirators up at the courthouse the courthouse to say i can't go around her that is pretty baller it's pretty like i mean i hate that it even what's crazy to me about the concept of it is that it even needs to exist like if i tell you not to come near me you just shouldn't do it like just don't don't come over why why do i need a

legal document that says you can't touch me or like come near me that's crazier it's saying it's really nuts that you can involve the government in a conversation that's like i don't want to hang out anymore you can just go to the government be, he can't hang out with me anymore. And they go, absolutely. No, stamp approved. They go, that's right. They go, yes, diva. That's the stay away from her.

And how, like, I want to know who did the first one. Like, was it a man against a woman, a woman against a man? What was their dynamic? I think we can say with almost, can I tell you something? In every universe, in every timeline from 10,000 feet away, I know it was a woman taking a one out against a man. There's no chance that gender was being played with. But how would the courts, whenever that was, ever take a woman's side?

That's the only thing I get hung up on, is to tell a man he can't do something so that a woman can. Maybe it was a man taking it out against a man over like a plot of land. You know what I mean? That's probably the most likely. Could have been a girl judge. Yeah. Judge Diva.

Not Judge Diva on the bench. No, Judge Diva, she's really harsh. Judge Diva, she... In her stilettos. She makes out for girls. Slobitons. Her robe, her gown is snatched.

Snatched. Yeah, yeah. Usually they're loose. Hers is cinched. Well, it's corseted. Judge Diva has a corseted gown. And Louboutins. Judge Diva in a corseted

These is red bottoms. In a Miu Miu skirt. Yeah. A corseted gown in a Miu Miu skirt. In a Miu Miu skirt. Judge Diva. NBC.

Judge Diva coming to NBC Sundays at 7. Sundays at 7. Sundays at 7. Sundays at 7. Sundays at 7. Judge Diva from the twisted minds

of Mary Beth Barone and Caleb Heron. And Ryan Murphy. Right. Right. Right. Of course. Well, anything a gay guy comes up with is automatically IP of Ryan Murphy. Did you not know that?

No, no, no. I knew that. I just hoped that... I guess I thought maybe we could... No, that's... You guys are going to do such a good job on that. I mean, you'll be involved, but... Right.

As like a more silent sort of creative partner. That's awesome. I didn't even feel passionately about Judge Da at all either so that's nice what's crazy is that that is such a bad idea but oh not me not me calling not me calling annapurna execs and saying hey we've got something well that's the thing that's probably the thing we could take out that would like finally get greenlit. You know what I mean? We would have that on the air.

It's like the producers. Remember that movie? What? Slash play, the producers. Oh, Nathan Lane. Where they like- Gotta be top gay guy, by the way. Oh, in top five at least.

Gotta be one of the top gay guys we've ever done. When they dropped Nathan Lane, they did gay guys good. I know. And I'm thankful. Yeah. And you know what? So I have, well, no, we don't have to get into that. I don't want to do anything more controversial stuff, but.

Well, here's something I'll tell you. I auditioned, Nathan Lane has a new show, and I auditioned to play their hot young house boy. Now, surely when I got the sides, I said, hey, y'all, just wanted to check in on what I'm certain they're expecting. And they said, no, they're looking for funny. And I said, well, I've heard that lie enough, but I'll audition anyway. And of course, when the casting came out,

I looked at the guy and I was like, what? Yeah. Well, yeah, it wasn't ever good. What are you talking about? They were looking for funny.

Okay. Here's a question for you. Top three things you do to fix the world. Go. Okay. Um, first of all, I think no more weapons.

Right. All weapons. All weapons. Wow. Okay. wow okay gone right i think we should have a cap on wealth right and fuck okay yeah sorry and i mean it could be really high i just don't i just i hate that because i don't think i'll get anywhere close to it i just think yeah rich people work really hard especially when they've inherited the wealth right and then i guess the third thing would be like, um, everybody gets like, everybody gets a home.

That would be, I think my, those would be my three big things, I guess right now. I mean, I'm sure there's a bunch of other really worthy things too, but what about you? I would do probably chicken wings for breakfast.

Yeah. Everyone can do chicken wings for breakfast. Spicy even. Cause our stomachs in my, when I, Oh, I guess I would do stomachs can handle anything. That'd be my in my – when I – oh, I guess what I would do. Stomachs can handle anything.

That would be my number one. Stomachs can handle anything. We would do the technology about that. We would do the technology about that? We would do the technology about stomachs can handle anything. If you think I'm not going to come on this podcast and hold you accountable, you're wrong. No, I do think you will. I've always – you're an accountability diva.

Continue. Right. So I would do – we do technology for stomachs to handle anything, one number two we do chicken wings for breakfast okay you can have spicy chicken wings for breakfast because you can't have that without the first one right because if you do chicken wings for breakfast and you haven't done the technology for stomachs everyone will be feeling ill and not good and they'll just start your day very like bloated and not feeling cranky even cranky so it's yeah we do technology about stomachs and then we do chicken wings for breakfast. And then the third thing, uh, would probably, I would end racism.

Fuck. I just don't like it. That's such a good one that I forgot. I don't like it. I've never understood it. That's crazy that you would put me in a position right now to have to backpedal. It was really weird that you didn't bring it up. Cause I was like in your list, I expected to see it.

But yeah, I would definitely just get rid of it because i've never fucked with it yeah yeah so your list was really cool though i loved yours well my fourth thing would be no new comedians actually i think we just have enough right now let's see how everyone fares i think a stop gap i think a couple years where we closed the... A moratorium. Yeah, we shut down the border for like two or three years, see how many people make it with what we've got going on now, and then yeah, maybe we open it back up, maybe we don't. Well, we open it back up with rigorous paperwork.

Yes. And if you don't want to do the paperwork, then I guess you don't want to be a comedian that bad. Well, if you don't want to do the contracts, yeah. Do the contracts or don't, that's up to you. Something to think about. It's definitely something. If you wouldn't be willing to fill out some paperwork i feel like you shouldn't be a comedian well people shouldn't be coming to the stage to see you i marybeth i have a segment for you this is a true false segment okay i'm gonna read you 15 statements whoa and you're gonna tell me as quickly

as you can if you think each one is true or false do you tell me what the correct answer is or no i do afterwards okay and you know what someone said that we should have guests do say so true because that would be like the brand. Wow. Someone's giving you notes. They do. I hope it was the guy that owns the place. Let me tell you. It's not. Let me tell you something about my fans. They feel very empowered. They feel very empowered to tell me what they think should be going on. Well, I hate to victim blame, but that is your fault. I know. I created community and I did not mean to. It was literally an accident.

But I accidentally created warm community for these people. And 15 statements. As quickly as you can, you're going to tell me if you think they're so true or false. I'm not going to hesitate, by the way. By the way, I want you to lock in, and if you get 10 or more correct, Mary Beth, I'm going to give you 50 US dollars. Let's go. Let's go.

Cabbage is technically a tree nut. False. False. The WWE is headquartered in Stanford, Connecticut. True. True. A single litter of kittens can have more than one father. False.

True. Rugrats is the longest running American animated series. False. False. It's The Simpsons. Bob Ross was a military drill sergeant. True. True.

NASA has discovered trees on the moon. False. False. A giraffe's heart is two feet long. A what? A giraffe's heart is two feet long. True. True. NASA has discovered trees on the moon. False. False. A giraffe's heart is two feet long. A what? A giraffe's heart is two feet long. True. True. Yankee Doodle is the state song of Connecticut. True. True. LeBron James went to UCLA.

False. False. He didn't go to college. A cockroach can live for nine days without its head. False. True. Forrest Gump was a real person. False. False. The Statue of Liberty was a gift to the U.S. from France. True. True.

There's no such thing as a straight line. True. True. You're giving easy ones chance. A lightning bolt is

five times hotter than the surface of the sun. A lightning bolt is five times... That's false. That's true. No, it's not.

I got her. See, I threw her off. Uma Thurman's mother co-founded Bass Pro Shops. True. False.

How many did you get? Eleven. I'm the smartest woman alive. You are are really smart but i'll say i got a little mad at chance when i got to the statue of liberty was a gift from france yeah that seems crazy two-year-olds know that yeah it's one of those things you're smart you know the things you always remember like that it was copper but it turned green because of the water whatever and by the time they finished washing it it would be green again yeah so there really there was a weird amount it's like so of the water or whatever. And by the time they finished washing it, it would be green again. Yeah.

So there really, there was a weird amount. It's like so funny the things they don't teach us. But then I know that till my grave. I'll know that forever. Like they didn't teach us like anything about Native Americans that was true, but the Statue of Liberty, they like made sure we got,

they're like, they was shipped over on a boat. France would give it as a gift. It's really impressive that they did that. The color is this because of this. Like it really, they go in on that one. Yeah.

Well, it's something to celebrate, I guess. Number one statue? Liberty. Number one statue? Liberty. Is that your number one? I would say my statue knowledge isn't enough to have a favorite.

Yeah. Do you get that? Absolutely. I love that it's in the New York Harbor and that people, it's so iconic as far as statues go. I guess the Jesus inio is pretty iconic big but only because it was in baslerman's romeo and juliet right not because of the religious aspects there's an artist called batero that does fat people and he makes he does paintings and statues

and i love his little fat people they make me laugh they're just cute i love dolly as well salvador dolly thank you the the lip couch and everything of course i'm just thinking of artists that i know but i i do we we went to the Salvador Dali Museum in Italy when I was a kid, and it really stuck with me. Well, you're Italian-Irish Catholic. I am. These are a couple things about you. Yeah. Didn't get to them in the episode, though, huh? No, we had a lot of other things to discuss. Well, we had to talk about restraining orders. And guns. And guns. Yeah, which you're very pro. The thing, I'm pro. I want more. Yeah. The thing is I think people, well, maybe people do expect me to talk about serious stuff.

If you know me well enough, you know that I have a lot on my mind. Yeah. But it's not all fun and games. It's not all fun and games in your head. I've briefly spent some time in there, and I have been horrified by what I found. You're dealing with a lot of demons.

Not a lot of people could handle it and just be like smiling the way that I am, ear to ear. The way you spread joy despite having so many demons is very inspiring. Thank you. I'm very proud of you. I just want to show that it's possible. Anything is possible. I mean, you think about it, the word impossible in itself, it says right there, I'm possible.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mary Beth. Tell the people where to find you, please. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, Mary Beth. Tell the people where to find you, please. I'm so sorry. I'm going to pee my pants. I don't know why. Multiple times during this episode, I took on an interview guy persona, which I don't think I've done before. But you just inspired it in me.

Tell people where to find you. I'm so serious. You can find me all over social media I'm on Instagram TikTok at Mary Beth Barone and I have a YouTube channel

where I post every few months and you are you have a podcast called Ride with Benny oh I have a podcast called Ride the Pod and then I'll be on tour

you'll be on tour and your indie movie is coming out next year my indie next next month in like two weeks or two weeks

yeah this month it'll be out probably when this comes out you guys go find Mary Beth everywhere. We just love her. We love you. Thanks for having me.

What a joy. Thank you for doing it. What a treat. What a pleasure. That was a Hate Gum podcast.