So True with Caleb Hearon - Matteo Lane Returns

Episode Date: January 22, 2026

Welcome! This week’s guest is the hilarious and talented Matteo Lane! Matteo and Caleb talk movie watching habits, flight attendants, a harrowing situation involving a security camera, a cook book, instagram DM’s, and much more!  Join our Substack for ad free full episodes, early access to merch, our community chat, and more! https://calebsaysthings.substack.com/  Follow Matteo! @matteolane Follow the show! @sooootruepod  Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings  Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Check out https://www.squarespace.com/SOTRUE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code SOTRUE. So True with Caleb Hearon is edited and engineered by Nicole Lyons. Our social media manager is Virginia Muller. All episodes are filmed in The So Trudio at Legitimate Business World Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York.  A Wave series. wavesportsandentertainment.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Wave. Are you in therapy? Yeah. Really? Are you kidding? Once a week? Yeah, once a week. Hour?

Yeah, one hour. One hour a week. Guy or girl? Guy? Older? Yes. Gay? Yes.

How's it going? Good. Yeah? He's really great. What are you talking about in there right now? Uh, uh, well, I'll put. Mateo. You know where we have to start.

Yeah, yeah. I'm having a crazy morning. Do you want me to read the messages? Yes. to read the messages. Yes, here's what I want to say. I'm going to give you the messages to read. Okay. But I want to let the listeners know. This morning, I had a lovely little morning. I got up. I walked in the rain to a coffee shop I go to all the time in my neighborhood. And let's not say the name. I don't want to put them on blast. But I go to a coffee shop.

I go to all the time in my neighborhood. I go in there. I order. I tip well. I smile at everybody. It's a place that I go, you know? And then after I leave, they DM me on Instagram today, six minutes after I walked out the door. And they said, Hey Were you in earlier and took one of the books? And I thought about not responding because I was like that I don't know what this could possibly mean and I don't want to be involved. But I'm a curious guy. By the way, the writing is still.

So you said it like and this, by the way, it's shocking enough. Then you said, yeah, I was in. I got a lot in a sandwich. No book like very nice, you know, because I. obviously you're still trying to maintain like a good relationship. And you go, I actually need to know what y'all messaged me, why y'all messaged me this, what was the book? And they go, and I'm telling you, this is.

You'll not believe the response. Like short circuit wrote this. I guess at the same time you were here, one of our cookbooks was taken from the pile. We were clearing the shelves and, well, because we're renovating. Anyways, one of the baristas in a fit of mistaken identity told me that you were here. and I must have confused who she was pointing at.

I didn't mean to DM with any malice. So my sincerest apologies wasn't looking to make an enemy. And then they end it with, you're quite good at what you do. We are fans. We are fans. You can't be fans.

So I messaged back and I said, I cannot stop laughing. This was an insane series of messages, but I'm sorry somebody stole from y'all, heartbreak emoji. They just messaged back and said, dude, I just looked the security camera. You guys cross paths right in front of the shelves.

We owe you a drink. You just tell the baristas that you're one of the accused. What of these accused? What the fuck? You just tell the baristas that you're one of the accused and they should know what's up. Have a great day. No. What?

Are they more accused? Are other accused? I'm in a class of the accused. And also, why do you still have to do? do more work. I have to come in and tell them I'm the accused. Hi. I'm the accused.

And I want my coffee. Mind you, I don't need a free coffee. I didn't need a free cookbook. Imagine going up to the counter and going, hello. I am one of the accused and I'd like to collect my free latte. She looks like this. She's like, one second. She's like hitting her red button out of the table.

You should go in tomorrow and you should say, Hi, I'm one of the accused. I'd like a couple, you know, a latte and a bacon, egg and cheese. And also, how much is that cookbook in the back? And see what they give you for free. Yeah. Because I think they owe you a free cookbook. They owe me the cookbook.

I truly, also, I want, what I really want from them and what I might ask for is a copy of the security footage. Because what you're going to see, I was having kind of a magical morning. What you're going to see is me, headphones in, standing with my coffee, waiting on the sandwich, smiling ear to ear, to Donnie Hathaway. Literally. Donny Hathaway. And this Christmas? Yes.

I was literally singing that coming in here. Yes. And I was standing there smiling. And I was smiling. I remember I literally remember standing there and being like, God, I'm in such a good mood today. And I was smiling at this woman who didn't smile back. And I was like, it doesn't matter.

So they're going to see on the camera, a guy just blist out, waiting on his sandwich and then a thief stealing a cookbook and crossing paths with me. They're going to see you sort of in your own Netflix Christmas movie. Yeah. Like acting like, it's. gonna be fine. You know what I mean? Holding my coffee with both hands.

While the real accuser. The accused, dude, I can't believe I'm one of the accused. This is the craziest thing. That's great. And it's like also what kind of, I go in there all the time. I just can't imagine the long game I would be playing to steal a cookbook at this hour. That's what I said to Caleb. I go, so that means like just like a year or not you've been going to this coffee shop

and every day you're just staring at that cookbook. And you're like, I need this rush. Like it's a high. Like I need the. and I need to steal it. Today's the day. Like, it's a rainy day. It just is crazy.

Well, you know, the funniest thing I could do now is go in there and steal a cookbook. I go in there tomorrow and steal a cookbook. Do you want me to do it? I mean, we should send every famous comedian we know in there to steal a cookbook and just see how many we can get away with. Can you imagine if we got like a line of comics?

Yes. Like if it was like you, me, Sydney, Marie, Nicky Glazer. Like, let's get like, and each and every single one of us steals a cookbook. and then we eventually they just put they put up a sign that's like no comedians well they should have that sign everywhere let's make that sign more realistic now yeah oh my god well how's your morning

my morning is fine i did a couple podcasts with nick and uh that's pretty much it he had his christmas show last night that you saw and we sang um this is a bunch of christmas music it's good you you know i wish i had a bit more i really for your audience i wish i had a better answer than that no that's beautiful mcetio is it it's so much Not as good as yours. Well, mine was crazy. I wasn't expecting to have like lore defining experiences this morning. Yeah, it was a bit unhinged, I think.

It all happened because a gay guy canceled breakfast on me. Really? My gay guy friend. Oh, who? It wasn't a date or anything. A.J. Marrachine. Why did he cancel? AJ Markeen.

His boss put some unexpected meetings on his calendar. Quit your fucking job. I don't like, this is my thing with my friends lately. I'm like trying to plan a Christmas and New Year's trip to maybe like Portugal or something and everyone, oh, I have my job, I can't afford the flight. Quit your job. Find a way to make money for the flight. Can I say this is why you were so good on Zway?

You on Zway was honestly, like, I'm so, if she ever asked me to that show, I would join the witness protection program. Like, I'm so sensitive and horrified. I could never handle it. And you came in that show. Only you and Bob walked into that show and you're like, now it's, I'm the captain now. Like, you were afraid of anything you said. You had an answer for everything she said.

Like you're, you're so powerful. I'm just kidding around is the thing. But people do get mad at me. I did. I was surprised, I really will tell you, Mateo, I left doing that Z-Way taping. Because the whole time I was being, you know, ridiculous and annoying.

And I left- annoying at all. You were extremely entertaining. I left the taping thinking, like, this might actually be the one that really does me in. Like, I left with a feeling in my stomach that was like, because when I'm telling you,

they, the edit, like, they put in the moments where Z-Way was like laughing and being sweet. And I like Z-Way a lot as a person. Yeah. But during the recording, that crew doesn't laugh. Zeeway doesn't break. They film like two minute silences. Like you'll say something.

Like she'll be like, anything you want to apologize for? And I'm like, oh, slavery, yeah, I'm sorry. And I'm like being facetious, like, playful about it. And then two minutes of silence. No one's moving. Zway's not breaking eye contact. Why she's so good. She's incredible.

And I was like, oh, because you don't know what the edit's going to be. I was like, this might be the end of me. I remember one time I was on stage and a drunk, quite one. was heckling me, which is 99% of the people that heckle you. And she kept talking and talking and talking and it was like she wanted the attention. So I said, okay, I said it's obvious that you want attention

and it doesn't matter what I say. So I'll give you the attention. And I put the mic in the mic stand and I sat down and I just stared at her. And I didn't move for a solid three and a half minutes, which is a really long time. And she was panicking. She was like, okay, funny, go back to yourself now. Go to your show now. You know, and I just sat

there like, I was like Zway. I just sat there. Was the rest of the audience doing anything? If everyone was uncomfortable, there was only like eight people there. It was at the stand, the old stand way back in the day, like in 2015 or something. Yeah. It is fun to imagine you doing this in like a sold-out theater now, though. Like you're doing this and at the other. You want the attention?

Fine, you know. Three minutes. Sold out room, just watching like when is he going to move on? I don't really get knock on what heckler's like that is so much anymore. Well, I think, yeah, there's a larger barrier to entry. I think heckling is such a starting out thing because, a lot of times they came out to the venue to see a comedy show and they didn't know who was going to be there. But like your audience coming to the theater to see you that they've waited months to come to, it's just a different energy, don't you think?

Well, one woman in Madison the other week didn't realize who I was and she came and then she was heckling me and then when she left, I kept talking shit about her because she could hear me in the intercom in the bathroom. And then she went to the manager and said she was offended and they asked why and she said because I didn't know it was a gay show. so then we had the rest of her of them kicked out. And so that was that that was that. In her defense. It was a gay show. Yeah, imagine you don't want to go to a gay show and then you come to one of your shows. Like, in her defense.

You're right. You know what? I was wrong. That would be so jarring. I should have apologized to her. To be like, oh, I'm going to have a nice night of straight heterosexual comedy and then end up at a Mateo Lane show is like, yeah, you're going to be a little thrown off. It's uncomfortable.

Yeah. Well, I had Evan Williams open for me, but that's barely straight. So I don't know. Yeah. That is so funny. But how have you been? How was Chicago? Baby.

It was good. I am, I don't know. I'm now reached the point. I've, I've had like two or three weeks off. Yeah. Of like not having things to do on purpose. And I'm starting to get restless. Yeah.

Which is, you know, obviously the mental illness that I am saddled with. It's like, get a grip, man. Like, I really, there's something wrong with me. But yeah, of course, I'm restless. I'm trying to figure. things out. I'm dating. I'm walking a lot. Okay. Um, I'm, yeah, I don't know. I'm like, when you go to walk, are you listening to music podcast, YouTube? What are you? I am doing one of two things. I'm either listening to absolutely nothing and like trying to romanticize the sounds of the city like a

psychopath. That's really un- It's crazy. That's crazy to me. No, there's something wrong with that I'm walking around with the purpose of trying to think and be creative. And I'm like, you can't have music in your ears. You need to just like be on your walk. That's psychotic and I'm doing it Or I'm actually really nice Or I'm listening to the same song Like 15 times in a row What's the song you're listening to right now?

Lately, fuck me eyes by Ethel Cain Work. Do you know it? Nope. Oh my God, this song is incredible. It's called Fuck Me Eyes. Fuck Me Eyes, Ethel Cain. This young woman knows how to make a tune.

Yeah. I'm loving it. Fuck Me Eyes by Ethel Cain or oh, oh, oh, oh, waiting demo by Amber Marks. God, I'm such an old. I'm still, I'm like, I listen to like Sarah Vaughn. Like the most, like I listen.

I love Samara Joy. She's like the most, it's all jazz. Yeah. That's beautiful. Is it? I've been listening to a lot of Fantasia. Okay. Shout out of a shell.

Shout out of Michelle. Put me back on Fantasia. Fantasia. She did a duet with Jennifer Hudson once in like 2000. Do you know what I'm talking about? And do you remember the beginning when they're talking to each other? You know RB back in the day. They would always like have like a dialogue in the beginning.

Well, I don't know why they didn't stop her, but Fantasia meant to say, allow me to introduce myself. She says, allow me to introduce myself. Yeah. And I was like, you know, this is relatable to your audience. Yeah. Gay men get it. They are douching themselves. Fantasia's unbelievable. Let me ask you a question. And I'm, I'm keen on asking pretty much anyone who will listen to this question. Have you heard from the sing movie soundtrack? Answers yes. The Tori Kelly, Jennifer Hudson, Hallelujah. Yes. Wow. Yeah. I also listen to Tori Kelly's singing. Save a little pray for you I love sing too by the way

That old lizard lady When she busted up the car and she pulled back up She's like, and it's a full tank of gas I love that woman What is the is it is that the exact Is it say a little prayer for you? Yes is my best friend's wedding Yeah but I mean it's Aretha Franklin

Well it's Dionne Warwick It's Bert Backerack Deon Warwick Aretha Franklin No of course but the iconic Dinner Table scene I've never seen that movie What? I know.

Mateo. I know. I don't like those. I don't love those kind of movies. It's, I can't. I could barely get through Steel Magnolia without laughing.

Oh, Mateo! But I've seen Steel Magnolia. I've had to. You know, your veins. But, um, without laughing, you said?

Well, because it's funny when you watch it. Now, it's so over dramatic. Like, it's so dramatic. Mateo. I'm not laughing at like

Julia Roberts dying, but I mean, the last thing she said before she died was spaghetti. And then she falls down. so you know there's something funny in that my best friend's wedding is an iconic film i know and it's got julie roberts and cameron diaz yeah yeah and um and the uh the gay british guy was his name yes oh god damn which madonna did like a tour in new york and like the late 90s to berate rate of light don't say it

don't say it he's um rupert ever yeah and they did a movie together but madonna went around uh in new york in the the late 90s when she was a promoting Ray of Light with him. And Kathy Griffin's joke back then was that she said actually every other word because she wanted to sound more British. Yeah. Like she was Dickensian. She was like, look, me thinks me sees me in apartment. Like she was so British at that time.

Yeah. Yeah. I have a question. Yeah. Would you consider finding some time on both of our calendars for us to watch my best friends wedding together? I would do it with you. I would really like that.

100%. Because I actually want to cry right now because that movie is so important to me. So how are you when you watch movies? Because you didn't grow up in an Italian. and family. So, what is it like when you watch a movie? Do you just sit and watch it? Well, we can do whatever you want. What do you want to make pasta and talk?

No, no, that's You need to, okay, it's like when you watch a movie, how do you, what's your experience with the movie? Like, so you're going to watch my best friend's wedding. Okay, so we're at my apartment, we're watching my best friends wedding. Is that the scene? Yeah, yeah. That's the setting. It's a movie I deeply

love that you've never seen before. Right. I'm expecting total silence and obedience. When I'm showing someone a movie I love that they've never seen before, if you want to talk about something, this one needs to happen, you go, wait,

wait, I have a thought. I pause it. And then you go, okay, you tell me your thought. And then we go back to watching it. And if I see you on the phone,

ooh. No, I won't be on the phone. If I am showing you a movie that I love and you haven't seen it. And I see you on the phone, it's like you've, it's like you've killed me. Okay,

I'm really anxious right now. Like, like, like, lot of anxiety going through me. Let me just say this. I went to go see Wicked for good. Yeah. And there were eight of us. And it was me, Sydney, Washington, Marie Foster, Roseba Baker, Onika, Amina, and Nick. And how do you think the rest of the theater felt about us? I'm, I can't imagine good. The manager was called a few times.

We were laughing so hard. At one point when Onika, when Glinda turned to Alphabet, and said, and I know there's blame to share. Onika said, blame to share. You killed her fucking sister. Me and Amina were shaking of laughter. Rosebud's just vaping. I mean, at this point in this goddamn vane. It was so, actually, Sydney couldn't come that night.

She was, so she called, she was, how was it? And I called her. I was like, well, I mean, yes, the gay guy in front of us was really upset. Like, we really upset him. He bought those tickets probably before it was even produced, the movie. And, you know,

Amin and I were making really rude jokes. And like when Madame Morrible was summoning the tornado, I just couldn't get enough of how, like, she was stormed from the X-Men. Yeah. Yeah, they didn't like it. Anyway, so when I grew up, my mother is, you know, Italian and Mexican, right?

So I grew up with a lot of women who are just these Latin women, and they're very loud. And they're very, like when I called my aunt Cindy, she's ready for a comeback at any second. I called her and I said, I was watching J-Lo's 73 questions. I said, and Cindy, they asked J-Lo what her legacy. was. So I'm going to ask you first, what do you think J-Lo's legacy was? And without missing a beat, she said, well, not music.

She ended up posing. She goes, she can pose. So I'm not posing. Beautiful gowns. That's a beautiful gowns ass comment. Gorgeous gowns. So when I grew up watching TV, I grew up with the TV on, but I just never really heard what was happening on it. Because everybody is yelling. We're all trying to be as funny as possible, where we scream and yell at the TV. So that's how I enjoy TV. But I can contain myself and come over and I will do my best. And I will silently watch. Phone will be off.

I'm very respectful. Thank you. But then we need to do a second round where we sit down and we can scream at it. Yes. Okay. Look, here's what I'm saying. It's just such an important movie to me. There can be some light commentary.

But what I don't like, especially when it's me and you, like, okay, if it's just me and you, commentary is like cool because we can ebb and flow and feel where the other one's at. When it's three or four people and the commentary gets out of control, all of a sudden, it's a competition, especially with gay people, where we're in like a seventh layer of irony. And it's like, and it's like me if I was her shoes right now. Oh, girl, don't step on me. And it's like, shut the fuck up. What are you talking? It gets to this place where I'm just like, we are so far removed from the point.

I can't stand it, Mateo. Yeah. Feeling hit, feeling targeted. I mean, I watch a lot of Christmas movies with Nick. Yeah. And it's, it's screaming. At one point we paused so Nick could scream at the top of his lungs. Like, we get very passionate, Bob the Drag, we get very passionate when we watch movies.

Yeah. But I can do it for you. I can sit down and have light commentary and do it. Yeah. What's too cool? I am really nervous. Like, I got like anxious when you said that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I felt you shift. I'm very reactive. I felt you shift. Yeah. I felt like I hurt my friend. Yeah. I felt you get really anxious and jittery. What's the movie that you watched just scream at?

Like, I just watched White Christmas with Caitlin Palufa because we just endlessly yell at how stupid that movie is. Yeah. So do you have movies where you yell at them? No. No. No. I don't know. I don't think so.

But you have to understand, I wasn't raised, I wasn't raised Italian or any. There was no, I was raised white rural. Right. So the movie going experience is supposed to be like silent reverence bordering on punishment. I went to see I remember the first time I went to a black movie and a black movie theater and I was opened up to how fun you could actually have in life

and I was so excited but also I was shocked I didn't know that you could have fun at the theater I mean we went to the theater to be like quiet and watch the movie I went and saw and I think it was maybe a Kevin Hart special that they were showing in theaters and I went to the AMC in Kansas City on Ward Parkway and it was an all black audience and then like me and three other

unaffiliated white people and the other three white people obviously had been around the block before and knew that it was going to be like loud and fun and participatory. I did not. So the first time that everyone jumped up and started like throwing shit and screaming, I thought there was like a shooter. I was like something

has happened. I had a gut reaction of like, oh fuck. And I had the time of my life but I haven't learned how to stand. I haven't learned how to stand in that myself yet. I'm going to, One time when you're back in Chicago, I'm going to bring you to my aunt's house. And we can sit down and watch a movie together with all my cousins. There's 34 of them. And you'll experience, we'll get you, we'll warm you up.

I want to get to, I want to get to that place. Okay. I'd like to be screaming at the television. Yeah, it's so fun. I would love to let loose. I dream of letting loose. I went to, it's good to see people who talk at the theater when it's a scary movie. Amber Nelson.

You know Amber Nelson? She's a comedian. She's in L.A. She's really funny. When she was living in New York, we went to go see. I think it was some scary movie. I think the nun, like a really shitty, and that is one of the worst movies ever, the nun.

And there's no plot, there's no rhyme of reason. The whole movie is just slop. But I love it. I'll watch it all the time. And when we first saw, like the nun's coming down, the music's like, oh, you know, the scary, shitty music. And Amber in a quiet theater, go, oh, Jesus, fucking Christ. Like, it's, I love it.

Yeah. But I know we might get kicked out. That's fine. I don't really care. Have you been kicked out of a theater? Yeah, yeah, many times. Mateo. I know.

Me, Marie, and Sydney almost got kicked out of it. We went to go see it and we were really, we were really loud. Yeah. I, uh, I need to call Sydney because she has texted me three times and said, uh, winning you back in town. And I've said, right now. And she said, we have to hang out. And I go, yeah.

And then the other night, I walked into Union Hall and she was, uh, waiting on a car, like, at the doorway. Gorgeous, gorgeous hat, you know, looking fabulous. And I, and we, you know, we gave a big hug. And I was like, will you stay and hang out? And she's like, no, I want to go home. But, um, well, see you soon. And we have not connected. We just keep not making this happen.

It's bad. Oh, she just called me. I was with her last night at Union Hall, and we took a car together in the... She's always at Union Hall, waiting for a car. She's always waiting for a car at Union Hall. Yeah.

Yeah, that's Sydney's story. Yeah. No, movies, I don't love movies. I'm not a huge movie person. I'm going to see if they message me back. They absolutely messaged you back. No, it's still the message about them owing me a coffee and being the accused.

Really crazy. Is that a Jody Foster movie? The accused? Yeah. I don't know. I think it was, was it? Yes, Jody Foster. Kelly McGinnis.

It's a really, the plot's not good. Do you know what else we should watch together? What? Silence of the lambs. Right. You haven't seen it? No, I have seen it.

I didn't love it. No, that's something I would scream at, though. Oh, we would scream at that, okay. Oh, no, no, we should watch the Princess Switch. What? The Princess Switch. It's the perfect movie to scream at.

Yeah. It stars Vanessa Hutchins. Do you know the movie? You've ever seen? No. Oh, it's a wonderful film. It stars Vanessa Hutchins from High musical. Of course, yeah. And she is a baker in Chicago. There she is. She's a baker in Chicago.

Yes. And she works with this complete homosexual. That's him on the left, but who the whole movie is pretending to be straight and has this, that's a whole thing. Anyhow, so she is a baker in Chicago. She wins a competition, my accent. She wins a competition to, I think, Aldovia, some made-up country in Europe that also celebrates Christmas the same way we do. So she flies out there and inexplicably bumps into Vanessa Hutchins, who's a princess, and the princess can't take the royal duties, so they decide,

a la Lindsay Lohan, Parenthrapp, to learn about each other's lives and switch roles, then fun ensues. Yeah. You know what that reminds me of? I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry. That was an Adam Sandler movie

on a boat or something? No, you're not on a boat, you wish. This is Adam Sandler, though. This is Adam Sandler, and what made me think of it is you saying they decided to learn about each other's lives. because what happens is Kevin James.

That was it. Is a male widow and he has two kids. Is that what they're called male widows? No. What is a male widow called? A widower. A widower. A widower.

I ran with it. One who widows others. He's a male widow. So he's going around killing women's husbands to the widower. He's a male widow and he and Adam Sandler are New York City firefighters. And they, uh, uh, they, oh, he learns that he can get like, health insurance or his pension or something if he has a gay partnership. Oh.

For some reason. And they decide to enter into a fake gay partnership to get the benefits that he needs. And Adam Sandler, of course, is a playboy. He loves ladies. And but they have to be gay. And so then there's a guy who works for the government, Steve Buscemi, who's trying to out them as a fake gay couple. This guy.

Yeah. As a fake gay couple. Jessica Beal is their lawyer that's trying to help them get gay marriage. convincingly. And yeah, they have to like learn everything about each other and make a fake life together. Well, it has a 15% on rotten tomatoes. They're wrong.

And I, I think I'm on your side. They're wrong. I think this kind of slop, schlackster, what is that, schlach? Is that the word I'm looking for? Yeah. This sort of shit comedy from the early aughts. Yes.

It's coming back. I think that this now went from offensive to this is our new Shakespeare. I genuinely like it. I would watch it. Oh my God. I can already see Rob Schneider doing something wildly offensive. There's a Rob Schneider Asian character that of course we should not be having in there. Rob Schneider is going to hell when he dies.

I open for him at Caroline's years ago and he almost fired me on the spot. This is like 2013 and I was like an up and coming comic and they were like can you, because Caroline used to be a headlining club and they were like, can you host for Rob Schneider this weekend? And in my head I'll take anything, you know? Yeah. And I put on a suit and I, I look like shit and I don't wear suits. I hate today wearing suits.

And I just bombed so hard for the Rob Schneider audience and he was screaming at me off the side of the stage to get the fuck off the stage. No, he was not. Yeah, he was. While you were on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, get the fuck off the stage. I mean, to be fair, I was absolutely not the right fit for the show. Yeah.

And that's my only. Oh, and then I met him years later, I did the David Spade Show on Comedy Central and he was sitting next to me or, you know, it's like those jokes. You're making jokes. It's those shows. But, blah, blah. Anyways, he looked to me. He was, you're very, very funny. What's your name? Where are you from?

And I didn't, I didn't want to say you fired me at Carolines when I wore a suit. Yeah. But that's my memory of Rob Schneider. And he was wearing that outfit from that movie. You don't want to be good at opening for Rob Schneider. No. No. No.

I don't like his audience. He's a fucking hack and a freak. He's terrible. But you know when you're 26 and you don't have, you live in a toilet and you're at, you're trying to perform and they're like, do you want to open for Rob Schneider? And I was like, awesome. And then I bombed. Yeah.

I don't think they like gay people. No, I don't think they do. I don't think they do. Lesson learned. He's doing like mega rallies and shit now. Is he? Oh, yeah. I don't really, that was the last time I ever experienced anything with Rob.

He's one of those. It's an interesting thing that's happened to him that's happened to a couple of celebrities. In the Trump era, which is they're so hard up for celebrity endorsements that like they're reviving the careers of like practically dead bodies. People like Rob Schneider and Kid Rock who haven't done anything meaningful ever if in decades. and yeah, he's like, now he's a big mega guy and he's only gotten deeper into it because it's the only thing that's working because he's not talented.

And so now we're all having to sort of deal with that. Right. Well, not us. They can deal with that. I mean, that's what they're scraping the bottom of the barrel. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. SquareSpace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business,

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AI builds the deck so you can build that thing. Do that, do that, do that with acrobat. Learn more at adobe.com slash do that with acrobat. It is so funny. I just saw a clip of Carolyn Levitt, the 28 going on 70 young woman that is Trump's press secretary. She has the worst lip filler in the country, which is a lot to say.

She has a 60-year-old husband who she has a kid with. He's 60? Her husband, yes. And by the way, mind you, the clip was her saying very earnestly, you know, I think President Trump has made being Republican cool again. Girl, you're busted as fuck. You're married to a 60-year-old. You're praising your boss on national television.

There's nothing less cool than this. I was going to say, when you're that big of a suck-up, like anything, they're like, Trump yesterday, you know, said someone deserves to die. And then she'll be like, and you're an idiot for even, thinking like I'm like how are you trying to spin this on us right now like we all see what you're doing and they think they're so good at it and it's like you know the people who like you are just stupid like they're like they literally will be like so president trump said one of the most you know vile things we've ever heard yesterday and she goes the fact that you would try to distract from the

president's america first agenda it's like you're not slick you stupid bitch you look horrible and you're dumb she's working on fear like she they're all working on fear right they're stepping into position that they know they don't want to be in but they want some kind of power and so they put their, it's all ego, ego, ego, but they're functioning basically on fear. She knows that her life is really on the line here. Like, her job is on the line. So she just has to, it doesn't matter what Trump does or says.

It's just, he's fine and good and you're an idiot. She's just gaslighting everybody, but she's gaslighting herself. So, and that will end, as everything does with him, it'll all end in shit. He ruins every relationship he ever has. And then they turn around and say, he's a monster and no one cares. That's why I think Marjorie Taylor Green is the most competitive. figure in American politics right now. Isn't it wild? It's crazy because she's in one breath being like, yeah, I was wrong. Donald Trump's a fraud and he's never going to do the things

he said he would do. And also, we have to put trans people in prison. I know. I just psychotic whiplash of like the coolest thing you've ever heard and then the most evil immediately. Because we have to be careful on our side too. Like even if someone is starting to like say things that we agree with, like we also have to like look and see what they're actually voting on before we jump ship and be like, she's one of us now. It's. It's. like, no, you know what I mean? She's just crazy lady who is kind of coming around to the fact that

she was lying to herself and many others. Also, you should, you should feel bad about supporting Trump. You should feel that you got duped. But if you don't like trans people, it's a fuck you, it's a no-go. I don't... That's the thing is she's supporting this, like, anti-trans bill right now, and I'm like, okay, so... And three Democrats voted for it or something? Well, the Democrats

are fucking homeless. I mean, what does even mean at this point? I can't. Same. But yeah, I don't fucking get it. But there, yeah, she randomly will say some of the coolest things I've ever heard and I'm it's really confusing and distracting a lot of people that just don't know who they are but they really want attention and fame and to feel that they belong and the sacrifices they make to get to that place unfortunately when especially in you know Washington I think a lot of them don't realize that there's a lot of people's lives

in their hands I think they're still thinking for themselves they're lobbyists they're you know they like that attention but I'm like I don't think you're really interacting with the people that you're either voting for or against. No. And maybe you should. Also, part of the issue in American politics is that people who represent a small district in Georgia of all very homogenous small district in Georgia get, by virtue of our fucked up media ecosystem and our like politician worship thing that we have been doing for God knows why.

Way too long. Way too long and who knows why. And I also don't like it when we do it with leftists either. But by virtue of that, now this person who represents a tiny little homozymyard. district in a state like Georgia has like national media attention. That doesn't make any sense. Well, do you think that's the other problem too is everything on the fringe is sort of what each side goes for.

And most of the things in the middle are the things that need to be worked out. And no one really talks about it because it doesn't get them views. It doesn't get them clout. It doesn't get like these 50 year old senators are basically the same as a 13 year old TikToker. They're just doing and saying what they can to get on MSNBC or Fox and talk. and, you know, I get the next votes, and it's like kind of, oh, I didn't think that's what you were elected for, but that's cool. I didn't think that's really why you were there. Yeah. I do love that guy. I never remember his name, but that, um, fucked up ugly, crazy old psycho

from, like, Louisiana. John Belushi. No, not John Belushi. What was his name? What's his name? I was just talking with Nick the other day. He was in, uh, he's a guy that goes like, I'm not saying you're the dumbest person alive, but you better hope to say the dumbest person alive doesn't die. Like, he's like, he has like all these, like, witticisms and he's on the he's on the news being like I think Hillary Clinton is the reason they got directions on shampoo bottles you know like he's insane

but he's really funny Gary Busey I was gonna make a joke about he said crazy and I was going to make a joke it's ruined but um fuck it's over no I uh any it's hard to separate the artist from the person from the artistry so to speak but there is something great about just watching a bunch of idiots for sure

it's a lot of fun I like someone who's like genuinely crazy, but, like, really does enjoy... Like, he's, like, an old school Southern nut job that, like, just loves the performance of it all. You know, he just really wants to get a joke off at the coffee shop. He's not a gas station. Do you think he stole a book at a coffee shop ever?

I'm so distressed. He came in as an accuser. I'm so distressed by that to this moment. I want everyone to know that I wasn't able to get this position for a long time because I had on my record that I was accused of sticking a cookbook from a coffee shop, and I ain't never going to forgive them, sons of bitches. You killed that.

Thank you. The way that you kind of rolled through that was very, you kept it going in a very correct way. I could do a lot of different accents. But I can't do like, I can't make myself straight. If I make myself straight accent, I have to pretend I'm Evan,

my friend Evan Williams, the comedian Evan Williams. That's the only way it can be straight. Yeah. Yeah, me, what's up? Ugh. Ew, Ew,

turn it off. Turn it off. Don't do the lip thing. Don't do the lip thing. I know, but he doesn't have lips. Mateo, no.

He's got to talk like that, man. Turn it off. He's good, but I can't. Dude, no, ew, stop. I'm gonna throw up. Mateo, don't. I'll be Liza.

I don't like, I like that better. Yeah. I like you as Liza. My current favorite Liza quote is she was talking about the look for cabaret. And she goes, so I was talking to my dad. I said, do I have to pluck my eyebrows or dye my hair blonde? He said, no, no, no, no, no, darling. And he pulled a book.

And he showed me Leah Duputi and Louise Guam. And he said, there's a way you can do that. When are you going to do Broadway? I would love to do Broadway, but can I be honest with you eight shows a week? No. I'm old. Like, I'm almost 40. And I just did five shows in Madison, which I rarely do anymore.

But I was like, I'm working on new material. So I'm going to pick up a club before this theater, blah, blah, blah. And so I did five shows. And by the end, I was like, I am fucking exhausted. And Evan was like, yeah, you're not 25 anymore. Like five shows back to back to back to back in between. I'm tired. How old is Evan?

Evan's 37. Okay, good. I didn't want him talking to you that way. No, no, no. And we came up in comedy together, so he knows. Good. But eight shows a week? No.

Oh, can I tell you the most New York thing I ever heard? Tell me right now. I saw, and I'm sorry to cut you off. You didn't. Okay. I saw Audrey McDonald and Gypsy, and she was phenomenal. And I went to the 2 o'clock show. So, you know, she has an 8 o'clock show that night.

So the difference between a New Yorker watching a Broadway show and a tourist is this. We're leaving. and everyone's kind of stuck together, getting out of the theater. And a tourist said, She was so amazing. That was unbelievable. I feel so blessed to have seen her performance. New Yorker right next to her.

She has to do this again. I'm exhausted. Yes. Yeah. I don't know how they do it, Mateo. I literally, because here's the biggest thing I've learned about myself. And I probably need to change. Maybe there's some kind of medication or routine I need to go on.

but I need, I need medically the ability to change my schedule every day at any given moment. Yeah. I need it. I need the ability to go, I'm not doing, I mean, these poor people suffer from this every week. I literally, I'll be an hour out from something I have promised to do. And I'll go, we have to push it. I can't. I'm just not, it's not the mood today.

Yeah. I need to be in a robe. I need to be like pushing engagements. I need to be having a Dr. Pepper and a wine glass. I can't be doing two shows a day. it's a lot it's crazy it is a lot tour's hard for me and i get to choose what i say up there i mean i can't believe but don't you also like i don't do the show like i do weekends because i need time away from

my joke like i get sick of my jokes if i do two shows in a night and then i have to fly to another city and do another show like that's just the weekend by like the third or fourth show like i'm i'm tired of my jokes i need some freshness so you want to be away from it so if i'm doing a broadway show every day. Don't you ever see Alpha Buzz sometimes on Broadway? Like, you'll see your defying gravity and you're like, aren't you exhausted of this shit? Yeah.

You know what I mean? So if you care to find me, ugh. Like how it feels. Yeah. But memorizing lines is so hard. I know. I just had the hardest. We just film my movie in Chicago and I am in every single scene and have like long

dialogue in a lot of them. How did you do it? It was so fucking hard. Yeah. I tried to do most of it before the movie to just be like, I helped that I co-wrote the script. So some of it was in there sometimes. But it was really hard.

But when you do, like I was in a movie called Maintenance Required and I played. Yeah. Have you played that role before or after? No, this was new for me. And I was really uncomfortable at first, but I thought, you know what? I'm really going to like dig deep down and see what I can find. And it turns out working at Michael's Arts and Crafts really helped. Oh, I want to talk about heated rivalry in a minute.

But anyhow, I, I, I, my lines were always like, girlfriend, you know, like that right. And even that was hard. Yeah. Even playing for me, I was like, God, this is a lot of lines. I memorize how he says, yeah. I truly, someone at a party recently was like, oh my God, it was maybe like last year. Like I saw your, I had, I was in two little films that were, short films that were at, um, Sundance. I don't remember if it was Sundance. They were at a festival. One was at Sundance and two were at another one. I don't remember what. But someone at a party said, to be like, oh, I just saw your short film at the festival.

I said, oh, was I gay best friend or gay assistant. Because those were the two that I was, and I was like. Those are the only roles that you get. Like, because I'm not, I mean, I'm not an actor by any means. But like, when you get, like, auditions, like my agent will be like, this, we think this one's a really good one for you. And then when it is a gay role, the gay role is written by, like, a straight guy who is what he thinks a gay guy is.

I'm like, I'd rather AI, which I don't even stand by. Like, I'd rather dry up a town to get someone. what about that, you know, I mean, instead of this sort of like, girl, I can't even believe that that's the, you know what I mean? Just like this sort of like, you know, like movies like how they talk now? It's not really how they talk. Yeah. You know, it's like, how's your weekend? What if you consider me going into the airport for four hours and then having to stand there behind the most mustady smell person I've ever met my entire life? I suppose you say that my weekend was all right. And you're like, wait, that is literally what they're like now. Yeah, I'm like,

that's not how they talk. Like, what is this? I'm trying to fix it. Please. I'm trying to fix it. Are, please. I'm trying to fix it. Please. They need to have more cuss words as well. People cuss. They just need to listen to humans. I don't know.

Like, that's like the most basic research. Like, just they need to take their headphones off at like a coffee shop with they're not stealing a book and listen to other people talk. Mateo, I didn't steal it. I was vindicated. I don't know. You seem nervous when I came in. I was.

That's the crazy thing. I literally, do you know what's crazy about me is I was like, this is a small business that I love. There was a part of me in my head that, went, did I grab a book? Like, maybe I accidentally, like, it was like in the bag or something. Like, I was like, I think that's a sign that you're an empathetic person and you care, that you were self-reflective enough to look at yourself and say, did I steal a cookbook while getting coffee?

Do you know what I mean? Like, that means you're like a good person. Are you in therapy? Yeah. Really? Are you kidding? Once a week? Yeah, once a week.

Hour? Yeah, one hour. One hour a week. Guy or girl? Guy? Guy. Older? Yes.

Gay? Yes. How's it going? Good. Yeah. He's really great. What are you talking about in there right now? Uh,

well, but. Honestly, we're talking about right now. Like, I'm, I'm very insecure. You know,

I'm really sensitive. I'm very, like, yeah, I'm just like a very sensitive person. Yeah. So trying to work through stuff like that. I do know that you're very sensitive,

which I love about you. Insecure kind of surprises me. What are we insecure? Like, in what, how is that showing up? I think it just, well,

it shows a more impersonal life, I feel, like with friendships or relationships. or relationships or, you know, I really want to people please. And I'm afraid everyone's mad at me. Like, very classic signs of, like, trauma. And on stage and in work, I'm, like, the opposite. Like, I've taken that kind of weakness.

Now we're doing, like, inside the actor's studio. But, you know, like, when you're on stage, the vulnerability is a strength. Yeah. And so I feel more, like, I don't know, more confident. Like, I always feel confident on stage. That's where I feel the most comfortable and confident. Yeah. And then offstage, I'm like,

Did I hurt someone's feelings? You know? I'm always worried about hurting someone's feelings, you know? Yeah. Yeah. That's so interesting. I don't, yeah, I don't find, I don't think you're so thoughtful and sweet. I don't think you would really hurt anyone's feelings ever.

Do you? Have you, have you recently? Those jokes I've made and people will write me and be like, this really was offensive, you know. Oh, you can't. I'm talking about you in real life. Oh, in real life? No, not really. I mean, I will go off on people in public.

Like, I am from Chicago and I am Italian, like, and I am gay. So that's a terrible combination. And I will scream at people in public. sometimes, but besides that, no, I'm really nice. I had a moment yesterday where Brittany Brosky was in here recording an episode of the show. I love her. I've never met her, but you guys need to hang out. Yeah, I would love to meet her. She's brilliant. She's so funny and so smart. And so you guys will love each other.

Actually, do you need to make that happen? I would love it. We were sitting on the street. We had gotten lunch and we were a little stoned. We were very stoned. And two things happened at once. This guy, we're on the sidewalk where people walk. And it's important for the story that we all agree on that. A man on a bike is biking towards us and he goes, excuse me, excuse me. And I go, yeah, excuse you, that's not what the sidewalk's for, buddy. Go around. Yep. And then while I was doing that, a girl one feet away who certainly heard me have that reaction to him goes, sorry, I'm just like a huge fan. Have a good day.

And I was like, not right now, girl. I'm giving this guy the fucking riot act about biking on the sidewalk. No, I'm very much that I'm a rule follower. So if I see someone on the sidewalk on a bike and stuff, I do the exact same thing. I'm not much of a rule follower, But I am, there are certain things like that that I'm like, if you're going to bike on the sidewalk, that's fine. You have to either wait for us to get out of the way and do it quietly or you have to go around. You absolutely do not get to yell, excuse me, excuse me, at me when I'm doing what I meant to do. That's right. You get the fuck off the bike or be quiet.

Those are your options. You don't get to be on the bike in the wrong place and yell at me. It's three things too many. I agree. Yeah, I don't like that. I still feel bad that when you came to my first show, you snapped and I yelled at you. I remember it every day. I still feel bad about it.

Yeah. But even though I was like, I explained it and then I told it, I was like, I was a different time, like people, when you were the only gay in comedy and these rooms and the clubs and people heckle you and blah blah. And then I was like, no, Caleb's right. Did I tell you that, did I ever, when I told you about that, did I ever tell you the joke you were doing? No, what was I saying?

I remember the joke you were doing because I loved the joke. And before I got humiliated by one of my favorite comics. For the uninitiated, a quick, a quick catch-up is that, when I was in college, I was interning in New York, and I went on the skint.com to find something to do, free and cheap. And I love that website, by the way, the skint. I don't need any money from you.

I love you. You're doing great work. But I found a comedy show in Brooklyn, took some of my intern friends. There's that knitting factory. I think. I don't think it was. No. I think it was like a bar.

I think it was like a bar show. Okay. But it was early in the late afternoon, early evening. It was an odd kind of time to show. We were trying to squeeze it in something before another thing. I remember. And you were doing a,

joke that I almost brought up earlier in this episode where you were like, yeah, I'm trying to act more right now. I'm working with a voice coach because, you know, I went out for a football character and if I don't get this voicing under control, he's going to have a secret, you know? Yeah, yeah. And it was a Zach 19 football player. Well, Zach's going to have a secret to share with everyone. Exactly correct. Yeah, I remember that joke. And I loved that joke. And that's when I started snapping. I'm sorry. And that's when I got in trouble. So sorry. And I started snapping at Mateo's joke because I hadn't been to a lot of comedy shows. And I made that very clear. I started snapping and Mateo was like, oh, please, yeah,

let's degrade this a little bit more. Snap at my joke. That's all saying, by the way, getting huge laughs. Everyone else in the room, huge laughs. I just was more aggressive back then. You know, I was like a prey in a sea of predators. Like, I, you know, there wasn't a lot of gays doing comedy.

I mean, if there was, like, me or Joel Cambooster or, like, Julio Torres, they never put us on the same show. Yeah. So all of us got to experience separately. like what that was like back in the day when we're back in my day. You know, like we're doing these shows and it's all street audiences. And so I was more aggressive. Bob used to say all the time,

like, Mattiio, every time I go to a show of yours, I'm just expecting you to yell at somebody in the audience. And I'm much nicer now. You are. You've never yelled at me since then. No. We went many years without seeing each other again. And then we met again.

I'm so sorry. No, it was so funny. It was complete. And also, you were right. I just didn't know. So it was, I loved getting to be involved. Yeah. I was like, yeah, I was involved in the show.

It was fun for me. And then you never forgot. I did love that joke. I was auditioning. They wanted me to audition for, um, uh, glee. And that was the character description. I was like, I was a, I was, now I'm 173 pounds. I was 130.

Yeah. And I had one eyebrow and I had a mullet. And I was balding. And I was gay as a picnic basket, wearing an American apparel shirt walking in there they said sing two bars of any song i sing maria carries underneath the stars what matteo and then audition is a football player shocker didn't get the book didn't book i did not book it that is so fucking funny what is what do you think is the best audition you've ever had um i don't audition a lot so i don't know uh i had one i was like a kind of like modern day romeo and

Juliet or something and I played sort of the character that talked like this and did a lot of that. And that felt really good. And I made it all the way to the end and talked to the director. And then they gave it to someone who had credits. Yeah. Well, that's how it goes. No one really hires me. I just sort of put things on YouTube and hope for the best. What do you want to do?

Is there a thing that you'd love to do that you haven't gotten to do? I think it'd be a really good, like, talk show host. I love the show Chattie Man with Alan Carr. Yeah. And I like engaging with people and I like talking to people and there can be different segments, whether it's singing or like you go to the advice special or like cooking segments like stuff that I can kind of incorporate all the things that I do together but um we need your talk show bad do we there no genuinely I maybe can't think of a better person to have a talk show I mean I would enjoy it also would be something

like I've never had a project I can sink my teeth into I'm just kind of leapfrogging from one thing to the next like the only thing steady in my life is stand up yeah because you know I have a tour and I that's my favorite thing to do but everything else is like I don't know what to do with myself. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense to me. The idea of you having a talk show is very exciting to me.

I think that'd be fun. I like that. I met a really good producer and we chatted for like three hours and we're going to talk in the new year. Do you know my favorite thing anyone's done with a talk show probably ever is Kelly Clarkson just deciding to do covers on her own show? Oh, she's so. I can't stop talking about it. I love this choice. And her voice is, she's underrated as a singer.

like she's probably one of the best voices we have today working. I mean, she can do anything with the voice. She can. Her fucking, that outfield song that she covered, Those he's on a vacation for that. Couldn't believe it. Yeah. I like my girl's a little bit older when she winks at the camera.

I mean, of course, that shifted something for the lesbian community in a huge way. But it shifted something for me as well. I loved that. She has whistle tones too. She's so cool. She rarely uses them. Mariah Carey whistletones, Arianna.

Like she's just could do anything with her voice. And she's charming and down to earth. Kelly Clarkson, Kelly Clarkson, Drew Barrymore has the same quality. I love them both.

They both seem like people that you would genuinely like to hang out with. Yeah. There's an earnestness and a warmth that I don't know how you be, I don't know how you be famous

from as young of an age for as long as they both have. Drew obviously a way different and bigger thing. Right. In terms of timeline. But it still be so normal seeming and cool. I did.

when I did Drew's show in April for my cookbook, which I can give you one. You don't have to steal it. I'm taking it. I want to. I had like a pile. But she was so wonderful. But there was one point she did something that made me laugh because she, we were, we had a really great segment.

And she was like, Matea, where have you been my whole life? And I was trying to be funny. I was like, well, I know we're neighbors because we live in the same neighborhood. I was like, so we should hang out sometime. And this was her response. and I was like, K. No worry. We also don't have to, by the way.

I was like, I thought, I don't know, just for TV, she could have said yes, but she just, you know, she kind of just shut down, like, and smiled. But, yeah, it was great. You say her address. You're like, I know you live at. That is so fucking funny. Mateo, what's so true to you?

What's so true to me is, and I've heard my friends talk about this before, but I know we were talking about this last night that doesn't always have to be a complaint. But there are times when I'm really tired. Yeah. And I'm trying to sleep. And it's a 6 a.m. flight.

And the crew is really gossiping. Stop. And Phil Hanley talked about this before. We talked about this. My friend Leo. And I love flight attendants. I'm so nice flight attendants. But that's why I'll never sit.

I'll sit as like far away from that section because it's 6 a.m. I've done five shows. I'm exhausted. I just need to sleep for the next hour and a half. this flight is so that I can try and get to the next show and all I hear is did you hear that Sandra took off yesterday what a fucking bit

listen I'm not gonna trust those onion rings over there because no throw them out and I and oh you know here's another so true I love this one stop calling it's all about planes I'm one of my 80s comic like my vibrator has two settings on and on I'm in like a shit like Zutsu but when you say

mixed nuts you don't mean mixed nuts you mean mixed nuts you mean almonds and friend. Yes. Because it's 800 almonds and one peanut. Yeah. And I'm fucking sick of it. I'm sick of almonds.

They need to mind their own goddamn fucking business. Almonds and friend. I now, when I get them, take them, put them out, separate the almonds from the rest of the nuts, and then send it to Amini Imani,

just to let her know, almonds and friend. Yeah. And not friends. Friend. Friend singular. Mm-hmm. My flight so true is,

you know damn well. Every single person knows unless you are six or you've truly never flown in your life. And even then basic, like, common sense should tell you, you know goddamn well when it is and is not appropriate to have that fucking window shade up. If it is a morning flight, you son of a bitch, put that fucking window shade down.

And let me just say this. Say it. Everybody else has their windows shut. And you decide to be the fucking star of Bethlehem for Jesus. to send the three wise men for Christmas, this shining light that would make the death star blush. I don't know, understand. And you're just saying,

and you're not even looking out the window. No, they need their light. Yeah. It's so infuriating. It's crazy. I'm like, oh, cool, the nativity scenes in four cute. Like, I don't understand. I get it.

Sorry, I'm furious about it. Well, they also, anytime you bring this up, I feel like annoying people will be like, be like, well, I can do what I want at my seat. I got the window seat. I'm going to beat the shit out of you. Really. You can do whatever.

What are you 12? Do you tell them to shut it? Have you ever said? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I did too. On a morning flight, I had a guy. There was a guy last year I was on a flight. It was a super morning flight, early flight.

It was like 6 a.m. takeoff. I don't remember where we were going to or from. But I needed to sleep. And we were in first class. And the guy, the row over from me, I was in the window seat on my side. It was like one up and over. The perfect like, fuck you light.

You know what I mean? And he pulled his thing up. And I got up half of my seat because I did want to yell cross people. And I walked over. and I was like, hey, I'm so sorry to bother you and like totally no big deal if you don't want to. Would you mind closing that? It's an early morning flight and like many of us are trying to sleep.

Yeah. And he was like, yeah, I guess. And I was like, angrily shut it. And I was like, you can shut that as angry as you want to, brother. Shut that fucking window. Like, I was very polite about it, but I was like, come on. But it also too, like, by the way, flight attendants, I love you. It's just the gossiping at 6'am's a lot. But I, yeah, it's like the, it's like the,

You know what really angers me? It's the selfishness of knowing that other people around you and are upset about it and you still choose to just go off on your own. Yeah. I don't know. Listening to stuff out loud, put in headphones. I mean, I really, here's the deal. We're in public. And so I try really hard when it's not essential.

If someone's just being a little annoying, like taking a loud call on speakerphone with no headphones or something, I try to go like, you know what? We're in public. That's their choice. It's my choice to ignore it. But then sometimes I go, it's also, if they have the right to do whatever. they want, I also have the right to make it uncomfortable for them. Yeah. You're being rude. Yeah. You're being rude. So I'm going to be rude to you as well. Unless they're like in their early hundreds. Like I was on a flight. I was coming back from, I went to

Cambodia and Thailand this summer and this couple next to me. I mean like early like these, that was Methuselah. Like there was a pile of dust that they put clothes over. Like they were so old. And he had the headphones on, but they weren't obviously connected. And so he's just blasting some some 60s, like, Western movie, and I was like, should I like scream at this guy? Yeah. You know, I'm like, no, like, this is the last one. This is the

last thing for him. This is his last flight. This is his last, not even just flight, this is last thing. Right. So let him enjoy his shitty Western, you know, and his wife's screaming at him. They can't hear each other. And there was something charming about that. Yeah. But if you're capable in your 40s and you're just being a dick, like, no, I have no problems fighting in public. How often have you gotten the, one of my favorite moves is the flight attendant

note card when they're a fan. Yes, every time I fly. And they, but my favorite is when a gay guy does it, because they always think they're being so slick. And I love a flight attendant. I love the energy of a flight attendant. But when they, the whole flight, they're kind of like, what can I get you to drink?

And they're being so obviously a fan, and it's like totally sweet. And I'm like, that's fine. And then they're being like extra attentive to you the whole flight. And I'm like, this is lovely. And then at the, like, you know, 10 minutes before landing, all the lights are on and everything, they come over and slip you a postcard and they're like,

what a boy for you. And then the, and then the, postcard is like, diva, your work slays, Diva. I love you, girl. Thank you for flying Delta girl. And then there's like a little wings with it or something. I'm like, this is to me what it's all about. It's almost every flight.

I fly every weekend. And it's like last flight I was flying back from London. And the one flight at a time I walked in, I was like, and like that, I'm like, hello, you know. And then he said something to me. Like, sometimes I think they're trying to be funny, but then they don't really. He was like, he's like, yeah, I know that you may share a friend. his name is Brett. He's a singer in Vegas. I'm like,

oh yeah, I know Brett. He goes, yeah. So, you know, Brett says hi. But also my friend Adam just wanted to let you know to calm down. And I was like, I don't know what that means, but great for making me feel more insecure the rest of the flight. So, but he was nice. He was trying, I don't know if he thought he was being funny. And then the other one walked by the very end of the fly is like,

my husband would be so jealous if he knew that I was here. Can we get a photo together? I'm like, sure, that's fine. We can take a photo, but I just came off a Xanax. So I'm sorry, I looked like this, you know, and say Photoshop. My friend, Adam, that is such a specific gay guy backhanded like I really don't like that kind of thing. Same. It's like

it'll ruin me. Like for weeks. It'll take me weeks to recover from that. But then I just smile. Do you think there's some people that only know how they're insecure or they're nervous or they're anxious people and the way they relate is either like by saying like backhanded comments or compliments or they're mean

and they think that they're being funny? Do you know what I'm I can't quite articulate it? Yes. But there are those people and then you're just sort of like oh you're just an asshole. I feel that what's happening a lot of times in those situations is two things. Number one, people don't realize that being silent is an option. You really don't have to say anything. My family doesn't know this option.

Being silent is on the table. No one has taken it from you is number one. And number two, I feel like the reason it makes me feel so sad and disconnected is not because you said something rude to me. I'm not thin-skinned. It's actually, it makes me feel a little inhuman because I was not approaching the conversation obsessed with a power imbalance between us. I was not thinking of me as important person

and you as unimportant person, but you are coming in swinging, trying to claw some kind of power away from me to be like, you're trying to put me in my place like preemptively or something to be like, you're not going to get me.

I wasn't trying to get you. I'm a normal human being going through my day, but you're feeling insecure because you are a fan of mine or think I'm somebody. And so now you're trying to like spar with me to prove that you're worthy of having the conversation. They think that they're impressing you

in reality. in reality you're like, no, I'm just as sensitive as you are. I wasn't going to talk to you crazy. I don't know why you're talking to me crazy. I don't know you. That's the other thing is you see me with my friends sparring and being silly and like throwing daggers at each other for fun because we're very close friends doing our job as entertainers. Yeah.

And then you think we're going to do that on Delta Flight 370. And it's like, maybe I don't know you. What's going on? I just, it's very confusing. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just, yeah, I think you're right. I think people have like an idea of like we're always ready to, you know, jab each other and you can take it.

But in reality, I'm like, I'm just listening to Mariah Carey right now and kind of sad. So, you know. If you don't mind. Yeah, if you don't mind. I have to pee for the eighth time again. So let me just do that. You pee in a lot on those? I pee.

I pee all the time. I always have to pee. It's a problem. Mateo, I think you know what time it is. Yes, but the way you took that paper and put it down, I felt like I was in trouble. You are? Okay.

You are? Well, we'll see if you are or not. I'm going to read you 15 statements. Okay. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just... I'm so bad at this stuff. I fucked up the last time. Remember how bad I was?

No, we never remember. Okay. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just said was true or false. You get 10 or more correct, Mattel. We're going to give you $50. U.S. dollars. Okay. I'm really nervous.

You ready? Yeah. Okay. South America has more nations than Africa. False. False. Nicholas Craig Mile. Excuse me.

Nicholas Craig Mile was the captain of the Titanic. False. False. It was Edward Smith. Blue whales are the largest known animals to have ever existed. True. True. Cheesecake was invented in Italy.

False. False. It was Greece. John Hershey High School's yearbook is called the Husky Review. True? False. It's the endeavor. Walter Payton is the NFL's all-time leading rusher.

False. False. It was Emmett Smith. The movie returned to Oz came out in 1985. True. True. Human babies have more bones than human. adults. True. True. The first six... Your teeth.

That was that true? That fallout, I think, and then come back in. They shouldn't be bones. Well, whatever. I got it right. The first successful electric car in the U.S. was made in 1890. False. True. A Chicago handshake is a short, a shot of Mallort and a Bushlight. True. False. Old style. Oh, is it old style? Really? Yeah. What were the Mallor? Have you had that before? Yes. You have, it's horrible. Hate. It's really bad. Hate. Hate. DoorDash is older than Postmates. True? False.

Earth's rotation is slowing down. I thought it was speeding up. True. False. What did we say it again? Earth's rotation is slowing down? False. It's true.

The world's oldest cat lived to be 26 years old. True. False. 38. Oh. 38? No. No.

Mateo. Put it down. I don't give a shit. 38 years old. It has to be true. This is a full-time job. That made me mad. Mount Etna is Europe's tallest

active volcano. True. True. I've been there. Have you? Yeah, many of them. That's my family lives near there. Whoa. Storm from X-Men is claustrophobic. Yes, that's very true. True. How do you do? Monroe. Oh, man. Nine. Oh, no. Very good, though. Very good. That was way better than last time. How'd you do last time? How'd you do last time? I don't remember fucking it up. I didn't do well. I'm not good at this stuff. I get nervous. I'm gonna go back and see how many you did. I don't think you did that bad last time. Just any of these things, like any kind of like true, false, like, I'm just, I rapid fire. I'm nervous. thinking about it.

You did great. Thanks. Mateo, thank you so much for doing it. Do you want to tell people where they can find you what they should be watching? Yes. I'm on tour. So go to Mateo Lane Comedy.com. And that's pretty much it.

I love doing it. We really did. Not to be Sydney, but we do need to hang out. I know we're always running around and filming any of this and da-da-da-da-da. But you mean Sydney should all hang out. We need to have a day. And we need to watch my best friend's wedding.

We really do. I wonder if she's seen it. I wonder if I can put both of y'all on. I don't. Maybe Sydney has seen it. okay love you thank you for doing it thank you so much

bye you so much