So True with Caleb Hearon - Matteo Lane Snapped at Me

Episode Date: May 30, 2024

Welcome back, folks! This week’s guest is the hilarious Matteo Lane! Matteo and Caleb talk Liza Minelli, an embarrassing encounter they had nearly 10 years ago, creating a path in comedy for yourself through the power of the internet, and SO much more! Subscribe to our YouTube channel! https://youtube.com/@sooootruepod?si=OQvf2KtuptwFuSn4See Caleb Live! https://calebhearon.komi.io/ Join our Patreon for an exclusive extended interview with Matteo and other bonus content! https://patreon.com/SoTruePodcast?utm_medium=unknown&utm_source=join_link&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=copyLink Follow Matteo! @matteolane Follow the Show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Recorded at Bad Ladder Productions in Los Angeles, CA Go to liquiddeath.com/SOTRUE to check out all their healthy,infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer! https://liquiddeath.com/pages/so-true-with-caleb-hearon See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I was like, stavo spattando, e io ho imparato una parola nuova questa settimana qui in Italia, perché io stavo spattando la strada e c'era il traffico e quando ho passato mi è venuta una macchina che l'ho sentito. Rocio. Are you a shit talker? Just privately, but it's usually the same two people, like, that's it. Lisa Trager always, always, always trager always always has a list made every day lisa lisa's the queen of she knows exactly what's happening at what time she's created like selling sunset within the comedy community i love lisa trager if lisa if you go out to lunch with

lisa you just have to know like we're gonna get some good tea she has usually her opinion is always right i love it's right but with i will say lisa always gets mad at me because i won't talk shit with her because she i'm like i feel like i'm feeding a gremlin and i tell i'm like i'm like lisa i can't let go there with you because i really don't know how to control you afterwards you'll get too big you'll destroy the city and she yeah but she really does i will i do like to listen she's got some good she's great also just the way that lisa talks she's so she really does i will i do like to listen she's got some good she's great also just the way that lisa talks she's so uh captivating i mean she just she just keeps going and you just keep wanting to follow along the path like and then what like she's almost like

my nana describing like small things like when her lunch like was spoiled but it sounds so dramatic and engaging you're like then what else you know that sort of leads up how many i'm speaking you're from where okay you're from illinois yeah arlington heights illinois suburb of chicago thank you for your service you're welcome and then you were in chicago for a long time i was in chicago almost like 17 17 ish i moved with my friend sophia and anais so i lived in the city city from 17 to 25 and then 25 i moved to new y York for a drawing job a drawing job because you went to the Art Institute I did go to the Art Institute of Chicago and you studied drawing I studied uh fashion illustration storyboarding and oil painting it was a major in oil painting with

a side in storyboarding with fashion illustration which those two do actually go hand in hand and then I got a job as a storyboard artist I was illustrating like very large like Lexus commercials seven up like big ad campaigns from like 21 to 27 and then I brought me to New York and then at 27 I quit my job and then I know I tell jokes now I'm a comedian actually yeah you are one of you actually I do I it's not jealousy that I feel towards you but it is like a level of impression you do you speak like a billion languages. I learned my lesson this, I was just touring Europe

and I thought I was going to impress, like I was touring with my friend Francesca Di Carlo from Italy and so we get to Germany and I was like,

I got this and I walk up to the taxi driver and I'm like, guten morgen. He's like, get in the car. I was like,

got it. Cool. On my way. He's like, no sweetie. Yeah. You're like, bit of shoe

and he's like, get in but the Spanish and the Italians like I can go on and on in Spanish and Italian but German they were not they were not there for it I learned I try to learn like one little phrase in every place I go and that's the best I can do what can you give me some phrases you've learned yeah of course um in in Amsterdam I learned donkey of all order it youit You're gazoon tight Thank you I mean I will say Dutch sounds like German with bronchitis

And I could not Pronounce anyone's name It all sounded like a sneeze I was like Hi Matteo Like my name is I'm like Oh

My god Excuse me Yeah it's nutty over there But Donkey of Alvorderit Thank you for the ride Oh okay That's one thing I can do Yeah yeah

It's a dramatic That's right That'll do it Yeah and then Did you perform in amsterdam no i've only performed in london okay so the dutch audiences they were good but this is how they enjoy comedy and then afterwards that was the funniest thing i've ever seen in my entire life okay stoic and gorgeous they enjoy comedy like a statue. They do. And you know what? It's real insufferable when you're on stage. But I enjoyed Amsterdam very much.

I love Amsterdam. I did not do comedy there. I don't know how I would do. I was nervous about London. And I don't know why they... The British are the best audiences. They were great. They're fantastic.

For as miserable as they are. Yeah. You know, it's raining. They're drinking at 3 p.m. But as an audience, they're on time and they're hysterical, like they're the best you could possibly receive.

I just did shows in Manchester, Dublin, Cologne, Berlin, Madrid, and Rome, and I was the most nervous about Madrid because American comics usually don't go perform

in Spanish countries. We were doing this big theater. They were the best audience I had. They were great. Do you ever perform in another language? Italian, doing this big theater. They were the best audience I had. They were great. They were fantastic. Do you ever perform in another language? Italian, I mixed it. I always mix it in Italian,

but this time I opened up for my friend Francesco Di Carlo and I did my drive-by joke in Italian. Yeah. You did it in Italian? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did like maybe like 10-ish minutes in Italian, which is hard to like translate the jokes. But I just said, I was like, Stavo spattando.

Io ho imparato una parola nuova questa settimana qui in Italia. Perché io stavo spattando la strada. E c'era il traffico. E quando è passata, mi è venuta una macchina. Che l'ho sentito. Rocio. Rocio. Rocio. And did it kill?

Yeah, they were like, ah, funny and true. And did it kill? Yeah, they were like, ah, funny and true. How did you meet this Italian comic that you're infatuated with? Like eight years ago in Montreal, God rest their soul, when they had a show called The Ethnic Show, they've changed it. I was the Italian, which I'm sure was a great disappointment for many of the Italians who came there expecting Sebastian Maniscalco. And they got Nathan Lane.

But there was a comic on the show from South Africa. We were all kind of siloed into our ethnic groups, but it was nice to be with each other in the green room. And Orny Adams, I can do a great Orny Adams, by the way. But we were there and Loizo was from South Africa and said, oh, you're Italian. You have to meet this Italian comic, Francesco Di Carlo, who I ended up meeting when I did a show in Milan. We did like a bookstore together and then just became good friends ever since. Obsessed. That's very similar to Second City used to have a touring company called Brown Co.

Excuse? That was all people of color. And then they changed it to Urban Twist. Well, on the Travel Channel, because I'm obsessed with the Travel Channel and ghost shows, evidently there's too many white people looking for ghosts, which does go to show how well white people are doing that. Most of our time and efforts are looking for things that aren't there.

And so they got nervous, and they're like, we have to have black people you know, black people. So they had a show and I am not making this up called Ghost Brothers. No. Yes. And it's about five black barbers

who go ghost adventuring, which then I wrote a joke and I was like, well, I don't need, we don't need like gay, I don't need like a gay ghost hunting show of like, like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

or Queer Eye for the Dead Guy. Just like five gay men walking in abandoned rooms. Like, well, of course he's haunting you. Look what you like five gay men walking in abandoned rooms like, well, of course he's haunting you. Look what you're wearing. You know, it's like, you know, Travel Channel, it's fine. You can have white people and Demi Lovato looking for ghosts. It's fine.

Demi Lovato. Unhinged. Is Demi Lovato doing ghost hunting? Ghost and alien hunting. Demi Lovato, she now goes back to she, I think. She's not binary, but she goes back to she. Anyhow, she said that she found that the word alien is patronizing to aliens. So we have to call them extraterrestrials.

Because I didn't realize extraterrestrials were so into political identity politics. Yeah, they're offended easily. They are. Back to she, the Demi Lovato story would be gorgeous. Back to she, the gender identity Demi Lovato story.

Kind of like back to black for Amy Winehouse. Back to she. We're getting back to basics. Because she had the same beehive. It would be great. Check when the hair is gone and be like,

time to make a biopic. Like this, it's too much. The beehive is still intact. Let her rest. I wonder the gay who's making the beehive is still intact let her rest i wonder the gay who's making the beehive for the great you know what i mean like this is gonna last you know that's what he was thinking but i just it's so disrespectful like like when the titanic the people went to go down to see the titanic and stuff and of course they die it's like just let people let it's a

grave leave it alone although i was in italy when that happened when they went down to go look at titanic and i mistranslated italian i was at my cousin nino and his girlfriend and we were on the It's a grave. Leave it alone. Although I was in Italy when that happened, when they went down to go look at the Titanic. And I mistranslated Italian. I was with my cousin Nino and his girlfriend, and we were on the beach. And she was really into Twitter. And I was like, what's going on? And she was like, oh, a ship under the sea, Titanic, and people died. And I was like, yeah, that's the Titanic.

You know what I mean? I didn't realize the word submarine, which I still don't know. So I was like, oh, that makes more sense. Yeah. Oh, the submersible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The submersible. I, yeah, people do stupid things.

When people die doing stupid things, I go, it's no worries. You know, I can't be too concerned about it. It's like, what am I? I don't know. Like, when people die doing stupid shit, I'm like, for sure. The fact that the Jackass guys have never died on set, none of them have died on set, I'm like, that's crazy. First of all, a set.

Secondly, no, but it's the same with like Steve Irwin died. Everyone's like, oh my God, he was swimming with stingrays and died. And I was like, well, they weren't poetry writing rays. Like, it's in the name.

And I'll never forgive Bindi Irwin, whatever her name is. Bindi, right? It was like, dad hadn't even died yet. She's like, I'll have my own show, Bindi Owen or Bindi Irwin, whatever her name is. Bindi, right? It was like dad hadn't even died yet. She's like, I'll have my own show, Bindi's Adventures. I'm like, we have to slow down, slow our roll here. I don't like when famous kids, when the kids of famous people get to be famous just by association.

I'm not talking about Nepo Babies. I'm talking about something even worse like that where it's like you're not even like getting your first acting gig because your dad was somebody and working your way up. You're just straight up getting like an animal show. That to me is nuts. That's why I always. Liza Minnelli. Liza has tried every single interview to convince us that she had no help from her mother, Judy Garland, or her father, Vincent Minnelli.

She's like, I started from the bottom up. I was building sets at Summerstock. Do you know my favorite clip of her ever? I have millions, and I'm glad you brought this up. Go ahead. When she is with Paula Deen, the cake scene. Yes. The cake clip, where she's like, I couldn't possibly.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. She's like digging into the cake. Please. I fell in love with Liza. It was right before 9-11, and she was doing, she was, it was the Michael Jackson 30th anniversary special. I didn't know who Liza was, but she had just recovered from brain encephalitis. But she was still a little shaky. And she was on stage.

And she just sounded like beef jerky. But even then, like, there was something in her. I was like, that's, I'm interested. And then now my impression of Liza is like post-stroke seven and hip replacement and stuff like that. But my favorite Liza quote on Larry King years ago, she was talking about Lady Gaga. And she said, when I see Lady Gaga, I see someone with strength, pizzazz, and also pizzazz. She's great. If you've not seen Liza Minnelli on the home shopping network some gays splicing

out the best of the four minutes and it is oh that the woman working on the home shopping network to keep Liza going deserves like a Pulitzer prize like I mean she was working it she wore the only thing better than her on the home shopping network is was it QVC or the home shopping network where the um uh the the moon is the the moon is the moon is a planet do you remember that no was it isaac do you guys know what i'm talking about was it isaac mizrahi i think so where they're where they're where the moon is a planet where he's like the moon is so a planet i can't stand it chunky if you're listening google the moon do you know what i'm talking about it was qvc sean killinger oh it was not isaac mizra. Oh, it was not Isaac Mazur.

It is so funny. They're like showing off these shirts, and this gay guy goes, it kind of looks like the moon. And the woman goes, oh, I guess it kind of does. Our favorite star or something. And he goes, honey, the moon is a planet. And they just go back and forth about the moon being a planet or not. It was like 13,000 sold. Absolutely.

Like on the bottom, kind of like crawling yeah liza um you know the host i was trying to upsell and so she was like you could wear four or five and i was like what she's like your bracelet and liza goes one will do liza no baby girl it's painful to watch it is you guys it's your boy caleb and i know you see these cans in the podcast you see me drinking this you see me at a concert with one of these bad boys and you're going whoa caleb's off the stuff oh my gosh he's drinking a beer what the heck caleb's sipping on an energy drink no guys it's liquid death okay they're making mountain spring water low sugar sodas and low sugar iced teas too and And they're killing the single use plastic bottle.

They're absolutely murdering the single use plastic bottle. They're in court. They're being brought up on charges of murder because they're killing, they're destroying the single use plastic bottle. So we love Liquid Death and we really encourage you guys to drink it because they've been very nice to me. And I know what you guys are thinking. Caleb, Caleb, Caleb, they've got a billion products.

They all look so tasty. What's your favorite one? Well, I'm a simple classic kind of guy i'm old hollywood with it i love the regular spring water you can get free shipping of liquid death's mountain water flavored sparkling and ice tea eight packs with amazon prime or grab a can or a case at your local 7-eleven target walmart whole foods or on instacart go to liquid death.com slash so true to check out all their healthy infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer that's liquid death.com slash so true again liquid death.com slash so true you were talking about all the places you just toured and i have a question for you which is when are you gonna sleep ever like what after this weekend

i yesterday i was like sleep deprived and had an anxiety attack so this is today i'm like i once this weekend's over with i mean albeit i'm very excited like very cool but i cannot wait to just go home wake up sit on my couch and play fortnight with my friend donnie you're yeah you're you did it mateo i think we need to we need to rest you you do so much i know i look i look so no you look amazing I think well Botox Botox hair transplants and filler but yeah I mean I'm just like that right I mean yeah how many specials have you done I did my own like comedy special on YouTube and I did it at the comedy cellar because god bless the comedy cellar they don't charge you and um but I do I do these like mini like I call them advice specials which is essentially my version of crowd work,

which is instead of accosting an audience member or being like, you look like an idiot, I just have them ask me the questions. And it can create, it's a little more bit oriented, to be honest with you. And I've done a bunch of them. And it's essentially, they're one, because it is fun and it is a skill. But two, it's biding time between, right now i've been i've been spending like a year and a half writing all this new material and performing it i'm filming the special for hulu and disney in october and then that will come out in may so it's kind of like holding space online just to sort of

like you know remind people i'm not dead yet yeah but it's it's a lot of fun but i have a couple of those on on youtube and everything is all it's all on youtube how do you feel you the filling space online to remind people you're not dead content is such a huge part of this like how do you feel about the online content thing i because you're a stand-up stand-up you love stand-up i love seller you're yeah you're always writing new how do you feel about the internet stuff you're so good well um you know honestly i think it was like 20 to get so serious um it was i i really did struggle for a very long time. I could not get work. I had no no certainly no auditions and no producer.

No one. I had pretty much nothing via until after 2020. And I remember being really frustrated because I tried. You work so hard. I've been doing stand up for almost 16 years and you're trying to sell your special. And yeah, it's a bit of an uphill battle sometimes when you're gay because you can be pigeonholed or whatever. So I was trying to sell So Badly to Netflix because that was sort of the way to do it.

And they said, no, no, no. I mean, multiple times, no. And I was so frustrated because I couldn't pay rent. I was trying to do a show in Miami on a Thursday and they called. So Mateo only sold 21 tickets. We're canceling the show. It's like a 600 seat room.

And I just called Andrew Schultz. And I was like, I do not know what to do. And you're the only person I've seen to like completely change the game he talked to me for three hours on the phone he was like take that hour that you have from you we're gonna sell the Netflix which you filmed at the cellar and just cut it up and I'll tell you how to like caption and uh and I started doing it and it very quickly realized oh like that's very interesting like how cool if there's an audience out there and very

interesting and it just sort of went from there and then I hired my friend Chris Cazzo to film me we just I keep it pretty simple I just do one video for YouTube a week which is now usually me just watching Kathy Mitchell videos do you know Kathy Mitchell from the infomercials like dump cake uh turbo cooker she's great and I just sort of critique those and then um cooking videos and just occasional stand-up but I keep I'm like the bear for Contessa I'm not trying to change the game you're gonna get pretty much the same version of a roasted chicken each week like I don't want to I'm not trying to dominate the world and um but yeah but you know I have recently not I've had to stop going online I pretty much use Instagram just for messaging i post and then i i message but i

it's the brain is not meant in 30 seconds to see all of the world events plus nice butts plus cooking plus cartoons plus like you're because when you're on the road i'm doom scrolling all the time because you're bored in an airport so it's like i've had to sort of figure out where else i can sort of put my energy so i'm just playing a lot of old pokemon games yeah on what on there's a game boy analog if you've never had it's okay i'm really nerding out but there's a thing called the game boy analog you can buy the real old games and use it in them anyway so i'm playing pokemon emerald right now but um all that to be said yes i've definitely it wasn't like i use the internet because i was like i'm gonna forge a new world for myself it was just sort of the only way to like get out what I was doing and

it worked and I really enjoyed I really enjoy making cooking videos I'm writing a cookbook and um I'm I really enjoy just doing that but I'm making sure I'm enjoying it the second I push too hard and like I via yesterday of full exhaustion is when I'm like I have to take a huge step back and just gonna go rest and sort of regroup and then get my energy back and go out again and do it in the fall you were you mentioned in there it being hard being gay I think sometimes regular people who are not in the entertainment industry are surprised because audiences love gay people but the industry it is still it is still a little well every audition is always best friend and they don't say gay they just say like sassy speaks their mind knows what they want tells it

like it is i'm like just say yes you know and i and i would love to sort of play like in a like a christmas netflix movie just sort of be like that friend who's like you're gonna meet the fucking prince i'll do it you know i'll show up i'll do it but i decided i want to play like i did this movie called maximalia the future where i played this like ignorant british tv host and i only want to play like amy sedaris-esque characters i don't want to be the main star just if there's a bridge troll sign me up yeah like three or four on the call sheet. Absolute clown.

Come in one day a week. Yes. Yeah. I mean, that's the dream. But it is still. Yeah. I feel like the gay roles are absolutely ludicrous. Yeah.

And the like few gay people that get to be the big, fun, complex, interesting roles. There's like two. It's like two people. Yeah. It is. It is very. And only one of them's gay. Thank you.

Thank you. And it's Dan Levy. It's Dan Levy and then there's the rest of us. I have to tell you a story about us that I don't even think you know. Which is when I was in, this was probably like 20, I moved to New York for an internship in undergrad for a summer. And this was probably like 20, what was the first summer I went? 2016? 2016?

Yeah. Well, no, it would have been before, before it was 2015 it was before our junior year 2015 i moved to new york and i had not been to a lot of comedy i've been to maybe like one stand-up comedy show in our college town and i was going to a bunch of open mics and like trying to figure out if i was any good at comedy and i of course was not and but you are but i am we can talk about how talented you are mateo stop, stop. It's true. I mean, your camera's there, but if you... My friend Nick, if you know him, Nick, who dresses like a Victorian haunted doll or Bea Arthur in the Golden Girls, call me. I just don't understand.

Like, he's such a natural. He's so funny. It really was the best hour I've seen in years. That was a perfect Nick. Yeah. And Nick hates everything. So, you know, he was going on and on about you. That's so sweet.

I'll make out with Nick anytime. Nick, if you want to make out let's just do it oh he wouldn't heartbeat sure when's a good time but i came to a show it was somewhere in brooklyn i don't even know what it was i found it on like one of those like brooklyn to do this weekend lists and you were doing have i told you this before you were doing a set and it was maybe there were like six of us in the audience like it was a small show and it was like in the early i'm very nervous about this because well you should be because it doesn't paint you in a very good light oh no it was very funny i had not been to a lot of comedy shows there were like six of us in the audience you were doing a great set i was completely enamored by you you were doing uh the one joke i remember you doing that i thought was

so funny at the time was you had just done a joke about um like trying to do like straight voices for auditions and you're like Jacob's gonna have a surprise that's true I auditioned for Glee and uh and the audition was like Zach 19 football player and I was like well Zach's gonna have a secret to share with everybody and I loved it and I just thought this I thought this person is so fucking funny I I was like I could watch you all day. But I don't know what would possess me to do this. I knew exactly how you felt about it. Now I know.

But I like snapped. I was like snapping in response. I snapped in response to the joke. I went for the snap, didn't I? Which is, you ripped me apart. Yeah. You ripped me in front of, it was like me, three friends I brought from my internship program who didn't really want to come. And then like two strangers and you were like, yeah, please invalidate this a little bit

more. Thank you for the snaps. I would. You were so. Yes. It was funny, but I was like. I know. You know what?

I have to. Let me. Okay. So 2016, I was probably living in, I was, I still wasn't in my, I was living in a tenement apartment at one point in New York. I was, I still wasn't in my, I was living in a tenement apartment at one point in New York. I was, I was like a Polish immigrant in 1940. But I was very, you know what's so funny is that you would remember that and thought that I was being angry in my head. I probably thought I was being like really funny.

But I was a little. I was a little more Joan Rivers-y then where like anything from an audience that wasn't the reaction I wanted, I always snapped. Yeah. And my friend Bob the Drag Queen was like, oh, Matteo Lane will certainly get into a fight with an audience member. So I've done that a million times. So I apologize now because I probably thought in my head I was like, yeah, funny and hot.

But like you were doing the right thing by responding with a snap. That's a nice thing to do. I've become much nicer. I was absolutely doing the wrong thing. Audience members do not snap at a comedian. It so invalidating but it was very funny but i was so i was just i i wasn't good at being an audience member and also i wanted i wasn't good at being a comic that oh my god sounds like the two of us just we've learned a lot we were in a tough spot back then but i i literally i remembered you because you i absolutely adored you i came to

see you on other shows back then and then i also saw I forget his name Don something maybe Donnelly he has a his working class face was his like big Sean Donnelly Sean Donnelly oh I love Sean Donnelly I loved Sean Donnelly and I haven't seen him in a minute like I haven't seen him on a show but I back then I would like if he was on a show in New York I'd pop he has a great joke where he talks about like how he had his name on his shirt as a kid he's like what was wrong with our parents he's like you know parents like some stranger like you're sean that's me you know do you know what though i have to say like looking back like i i was a little i was i certainly wasn't mean i mean i'm i'm of anything the most sensitive and crying all the time but like i do think on stage i felt because of look there was so many times that I was the only gay at

an open mic I mean not even on the lineup in the room in the audience I was just consistently doing shows where I was the only gay and every single night I had to come out of the closet every single night I had it and at some point it does give you a complex because then your peers are saying you don't have to come out you don't have to do this like you're above that and then I'm like well I mean I'm also proud of being gay that you get so many mixed messages that my presence on stage was a heightened like uh like a like i was a bear trap like one wrong move is like you know because i just was so and i certainly had no fame i certainly had no audience i certainly

had so it was just me and myself trying to guess in this world where there was very few people to go to to figure out is this the right response is this the right energy is this the right thing i mean so i was a little more hostile on stage back then as a result of being very confused and very nervous and sort of thrown into the the whirlwind of stand-up comedy in new york which is even straight is hard well Well, and also all of that being true, you'll correct me if I'm wrong. Your biggest inspiration is Joan Rivers. Joan Rivers and my aunt Cindy are the biggest inspiration. Joan Rivers for sure.

I didn't even think stand up was available to me until I saw Joan. I was 22 and the first gay comic I'd ever seen ever like a male gay comic do stand up was Bill Cruz in Chicago. I was 23 and that's when I started doing stand-up yeah so you know for 23 years of my life I had no idea it was available to me just didn't I know there were gay comics obviously Mario Cantone is like a huge inspiration but like he his work was not available to me as a kid whose parents were too cheap to get cable and you know I didn't know it existed so I had to seek out and but joan was the first

person that made me want to do stand-up well she she also is so i think a lot of people think that when they see someone like joan they think that they can just get up on stage and be mean and it'll work the way it works for joan but it is so fucking hard and layered and difficult it is like being mean on stage and getting away with it is one of the most impossible things. And I tell people all the time about how you have to like, if you're, if an audience member is misbehaving,

they're like screaming out too much or being, you know, being obnoxious the way that you handle them. You have to walk such a tight line because if you're more than anything, the, you think the audience identifies with you, but they actually identify as a member of the audience. And so they get scared they do

and they don't want you to be too mean to them right because if you're too mean to them they'll go oh well you know they they start to like sympathize with that person that's right because they think that this is the first time we've also done stand-up so they don't realize this is their 8 000th time doing it and we're so sick of this fucking narcissist in the audience who's taking the moment to take everything and make it about them but you know the first thing i do when someone who's taking the moment to take everything I'm making about them. But, you know, the first thing I do when someone heckles is I get the audience on my side. So I let them say what they have to say.

And then I turn to the audience and I say, is everyone impressed by what they said? And do we feel that added anything to the show? And usually the answer is no. And then I look at the person and I say, OK. I said, well, look, I said this is a classic case of narcissism. You're in a room of 3000 people and you decided to take it upon yourself to make it about you. So if you have anything else you'd like to say, now's your chance. And then that usually scares them off.

One time I was doing a show at the stand. I mean, this was like probably 2016 around that time. And there's probably four people in the audience. It's one o'clock in the morning. And this girl, she was wasted and she wouldn't shut up. And you just couldn't get her to shut up, right? And I'm performing for three other people. So finally I just said,

it's obvious that you want the attention and so I'll give it to you. And I sat in the chair and I just stared at her and I sat there for two minutes, which doesn't sound like a long time, but on stage it's a very long time. And she was like, funny, keep going. I just sat there, just stone silent staring at her.

But you know what? I'm going to feel bad about yelling at you, snapping at me. Do not feel bad about that. You were correct. No, I'm Italian, and I will literally, on my gravestone, it will say, I'm so sorry, in parentheses, snaps. But no, I do look back, and now I'm a little more nicer because I'm able to enjoy what I'm doing without feeling like a hostile environment. I also, by the way, I thought the snapping moment was very informative. For someone who's trying to get into comedy, I was at that.

You remember when you're starting out, anytime you see a comic that you like, who mirrors something in you, whether for me, like when I'm seeing a fat person on stage or seeing a gay person on stage, anytime you see them own that space, I just felt like, wow, this is, they really are in charge in here. Because you don't feel in charge in a lot of areas of your life when you're 20 and gay, you know? You're like, I don't, I don't have a, I'm around so many straight men, especially in comedy. Yeah, which by the way, I know,

I'm not, people like to ask a lot of times, like, was it terrible with all the straight, no, straight people, specifically straight men, that I found to be very informative in comedy. They were very helpful in comedy. Totally. Because, you know, I think that you quickly learn,

like a lot of my fears going into open mics was my sort of high school fears of like, just because I'm gay, this is the thing that they're going to use against me. And in actuality, they care if you work really hard and if you are, you know, they can see that you're working on your jokes. And, you know, I remember sitting in New York for the first time and i went to go i went somewhere some gay bar where there

was a open mic and this comic i don't think he's doing comedy anymore pulled me aside and said never do the straight rooms they'll never accept who you are you can only perform in this room and i thought i think that's the wrong messaging because my comedy i feel is more about bridging gaps than it is about like separating. I want to make sure. I don't want to be a comic just for one person. I want to be a comic for whoever wants to laugh. Yeah, and I don't think comedy, like the industry, is a meritocracy. But I think as much as something can be a meritocracy, the respect of other comedians is pretty much a meritocracy.

I think if you work hard and you write good jokes and you do your thing, even if it's not something that another comic themselves do or even if they don't enjoy it i all the time hear comics be like oh yeah i don't love their stuff but they work really hard and like the respect of other comics for a long time is your only currency yeah it is i mean to make if i was doing an open mic and for some reason dan soda was in the room and he laughed i mean for me that keeps me going for another month and a half yeah you. You know, but it's it's yeah. I mean, I literally 16 years of doing stand up and most of it open mics and bar shows and bombing at the Ha Ha Hut and fucking Indiana, you know, and me and Lisa Traeger. I tell this story all the time. Years ago, we got our agent put us on it like a co-headlining tour to all like the D clubs in the country. And we got a kill to see that show also.

Well, it was, I mean, the amount of times meanly is a thought as well. It could also be its own like series, but we did these shows. And it was actually a really good learning process for me because you learn how to headline in rooms with people who are in the middle of the country who absolutely hate you. And you learn to bridge that gap and you learn to think to yourself, you know what comedy is not that it's like,

you don't want to make it too big. Like you don't want to make it too powerful. That's embarrassing. But in some way, you want to make sure that like, hey, like this is someone who had an idea of what they thought a gay person was. And yes, I'm doing a room that's not within my own echo chamber. And I'm sure, you know, anytime you do anything online outside of what's supposed to be your comfort zone, you're judged for it. But in my thought processes, you know, that person, maybe they're 50 years old. Maybe they thought they knew what a gay person was their whole life. And then after tonight and this funny bone in the middle of Ohio, they'll leave always thinking of this and they'll have a better idea or think, oh, you know what? That one gay guy was different or made me laugh or i saw something different and i just that's sort of where i want to that's the

legacy i want to leave that's how i want to be remembered y'all changing one man in camo actually there was a guy in the front row who i this is and this was a joke of mine i don't even remember how it goes but the real story was i was doing something and he was like i don't think you're funny and i was like okay and he was in full I don't think you're funny. And I was like, okay. And he was in full camo, which is not a great sign. Because usually in your camo, you're trying to hide from someone. You'd be pretty visible for a guy in camo. The room was crushed red velvet, so he really stuck out.

But I just said, okay. But I said, let's see if we can find something in common. So what kind of music do you like? He goes, I love Shania Twain. I was like, we have way more in common. Wow. Okay, start out with a banger easy one. But yeah, I mean, it's been a very long journey.

And but I guess I'm almost like nostalgic now for open mic days. But it is, it is. I do enjoy. I'm very happy with where I am in life. Yeah. Well, that is a real, I ask people on the show a lot. What do they want? And it seems like, what do you, what do you, what's left? I mean, you're like. I already, I got more hair. Yeah. It's fun. Well, that is a real, I ask people on the show a lot, what do they want? And it seems like, what do you, what do you, what's left?

I mean, you're like. Well, I already, I got more hair, so that's checked off. You got the hair, yeah. I got hair transplants twice. And then, yeah, I mean, just, I just want to, if I could just perform in theaters for the rest of my life and keep writing the material, that's honestly all I want. And occasionally play some kind of weird character in a movie. That would be great.

Yeah. That's about it. And maybe, and maybe do your Great British Bake Off in a movie. That would be great. Yeah. That's about it. And maybe do your great British Bake Off joke on Netflix. That would also be. Yeah, it's too late. I did it on my YouTube channel. But three of the British Bake Off people that I made jokes about came to see my show in London.

So. It was great. I made a joke. I forget her name now. She had one hand. Remember? I've never seen the show and I could not have imagined that you would have said that just now.

She did. She had one hand. And the joke wasn't about her having one hand. I don never seen the show and I could not have imagined that you would have said that just now she did she had one hand and the joke wasn't about her having one hand I don't care about that the joke was just how opposite British TV is an American TV where American TV focuses on whatever trauma you have that is the number one focus that's all we're gonna talk about we're gonna make sure every episode is brought up and up again this bitch made it to the top three they never brought it up once so I was talking to Michelle Wolfe and at one point I just get a text michelle wolf out of nowhere what happened to the hand so she came to my show we took pictures together we hung out she was like she was a darling she was absolutely amazing and then the other woman her name was rosie i couldn't understand a word

she said she do you remember rosie Okay, she literally was like, she was like, I take it on by myself. I have two photos. She shoved it up in four. And then at the end of the episode, you're like, oh, she was making a chicken. And she messaged me. And she was like, I posted that clip. And then she messaged me.

She goes, kind of distend myself sometimes. Queen. I love it. It was such a, that kind of stuff is really fun. We're like, it means that people are getting the joke the way it's intended, right? Like someone without a hand, that joke can go in the worst direction. Like it could just be making fun of someone for not having a hand. The joke was on the American audience, not her without the hand. And so the fact that I was able to translate that to an audience and then she got it and

then came to my show was like full circle. Okay, Mateo a good job writing that joke Mateo good joke thank you I'll tell you that anytime call me and I'll let you know not the snaps the snaps will live in infamy I literally think about the snaps all the time I'm sorry don't be I thought I think it's a beautiful origin story for us it is a beautiful origin story and it is very something i would do in that time i thought it was really powerful i loved it do you have a boyfriend or are you married husband rodrigo and married is crazy when did you get married i know we got married in uh august 18th of last year so it'll be one year in a couple of months what are you guys gonna do i don't know probably like uh probably get Mexican food.

Hell yeah. We love Tacombi in New York, which is like a really good Mexican place. Why are you laughing? It's a regular restaurant. It's not an anniversary restaurant. No, we go all the time. He's like, I want to go to Tacombi. So we go there.

Obsessed. Yeah. How did you guys meet? We met online. Where else? Naturally. I was probably in an airport and then I saw some beautiful guy and i messaged him and he wrote back and i was like well this seems like uh this is on grinder no no no we met on instagram god i would have given anything for

you i can't do i did grinder back in the day and to be honest with you i can't do it like honey you don't have to some of us have some of us don't have a choice no but i even now i couldn't imagine like it's just so i don't know know. I've become like a Victorian woman. Like, I don't go out. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. Like, I just, when I'm home, I'm just playing Fortnite or drawing. Like, I don't know.

The idea of, like, Grindr. That was, like, in my 20s. I was like, yeah, stranger, come over, kill me. I don't care. But now I'm like, oh, God, what if, you know, what if he doesn't wear deodorant? Like, I don't know. And a lot of times they don't. They don't.

They really don't. Gay men are really, really allergic to deodorant? Like, I don't know. And a lot of times they don't. They don't. They really don't. Gay men are really, really allergic to deodorant. It's nuts. And we've got to do something, fellas, because it's not working. Should we go in Shark Tank? What would our deodorant be called?

Yeah. Why was that literally the only thing that came to my mind? I was like, be a little creative, bitch. Write a joke. No, literally. I do a great Barbara Corkin

from Shark Tank. Go ahead. No. I want to talk to you about your product. When I was younger, I got a thousand dollar loan. From that loan, I became known as... I'm out. I can't actually process how good you are at impressions.

Did you ever do it? Did you ever audition for SNL? No. Never once? No. I tried to. You make a tape and stuff, but I don't think they want good you are at impressions. Did you ever do it? Did you ever audition for SNL? No. Never once? No. I tried to like, you like make a tape and stuff, but I don't think they want Liza Minnelli,

Barbara Corkin, or you know what I mean? I don't know that I'm their style. No. And they're doing so well without it. We have a voicemail for you from a listener and I want to get your take. We have people, we ask people what's something they want to know the truth about.

Okay. So I want to hear from this person. I don't listen to these beforehand, so we'll see if it's what they're talking about. Mateo, you snapped at me at a show once. It's literally just me. I'm just like, oh, I'm the worst. Hey, Caleb. I know you're a big music lover so my question is why do you think we're not giving like 2000 2010 music

the respect it deserves i mean we were really having some fun with music like gwen stefani bananas this is we're starting with gwen stefani bananas it was a fun time and i feel like no one really talks about that music. Or maybe they do, and I'm just out of the loop. I don't know. Yeah, tell me the truth about that time period in music and why we don't respect it enough. I'd love to know. I know this girl.

She's 38. She had the white, like a really blonde hair with black chunks and the fake tan right and she had her purse and she had like that you know those like shit necklaces maybe like turquoise where it was like inspired by your nana from arizona like you know she had like the skinny jeans and she was going out and she loved her singing along to katie perry's i kissed a girl it was like her moment of awakening and she appreciated lady gaga but she didn't have gay friends yet so she didn't really understand the significance of lady gaga at that time and now she's in hr and she's like wait a minute like that music was great it was like no you were 22 and you were out for the first time and that was

what was available to you but not all of it was that great. The... This poor girl listening to this. Being absolutely taken apart by Matteo Lane. I also want to say, I'm giving love to that era of music. I'm pretty much always talking about some song from that era.

Don't you feel, Chant? I'm really... I'm talking about that music. Well, it was... I mean, okay, so jokes aside, it was good music. I mean, we had Lady... I mean, okay, so jokes aside, it was good music. I mean, we had Lady, I mean, honestly, Lady Gaga at that time was just, she was everything at that time. Is that your girl?

Is Lady Gaga your? No, my girl is, well, Maria Callas, my favorite. Thank you. I love her, but also Barbra Streisand. I'm such a, and Cleo Lane, she's a great jazz singer. I'm so annoying. You're a f*** in a way that, like, it's hard. I would have to do research to understand the way you're doing it. Cleo Lane, she's a great jazz singer. I'm so annoying. You're a f*** in a way that like it's hard. I would have to do research to understand the way you're gay.

Cleo Lane's so great. Five octave range, same range as Mariah Carey, but she's a jazz singer. And the way she uses it, it's incredible. She uses her voice like an instrument. Yeah. Well, you're gay in the way that you're like a classically trained opera singer. That's true about you. I am.

You're like a trained opera singer. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, is Lady Gaga your girl? And you're like, no. No. I do. I love Lady Gaga. You know know it was a great song at that time too what was this girl's name because now I love her and I want to do brunch with her I take back everything I said um Janet Jackson had a song called Feedback around that time as well and it wasn't a hit in the way you wanted to but there was always like a gay DJ somewhere who would like

mix it in with like a Britney or something and it would I mean like lift my soul it looked like I was being possessed when that song would come on just feedback feedback oh and I also didn't realize how many drugs were I was so naive I didn't realize everybody was doing drugs like I would be in the back of a club like drinking like a vodka soda like who am I gonna make out with and everyone's rolling and I was like I what are they like what is that like how come I don't feel this euphoria what are your vices video games and I love cigarettes

I smoke like a white woman when she goes to Europe stop it you know how like white women are like ew smoking is disgusting but I'm in Europe I'm like fabulous like that that is me cigarettes come out I smoke them freely because Italians kind of smoke cigarettes in such a natural way. And they live longer than anyone on earth.

I'm like, I don't know what it is about them. But, yeah. How many cigarettes are you smoking in a week? Like when I'm in Europe? Well, I guess. How often? You're in Europe all the time. I know.

Yeah, maybe. I'm in Europe. I smoke, let's see, me and Francesco. Maybe like six a day. I mean, it's extreme. Is that Francesco, maybe like six a day. I mean, it's extreme. Is that a lot? I really don't know what a lot of cigarettes is. Oh, people smoke like a pack a day.

So six is, I'm pretty tepid. How many is in a pack? Like 12? 20? Wow. So I'm a little, even then I'm like tepid with it. But now that I'm back in America, I'm like'm like okay back to drinking water and eating healthy and being good being good I have smoked

two cigarettes in my life and both were for a bit both I was kidding I was kidding around it's not for me I love it I'm scared of them I think I would love them I get scared of things I think I would love I think I would love I think I joke a lot about I'll never do shrooms but I think I would love shrooms and that's why I'm scared of them and won't try them yeah I don't know I just I'm not

I don't like weed I don't like gummies I don't like't know. I just, I'm not, I don't like weed. I don't like gummies. I don't like drugs. I don't like drinking. I don't like, I don't like feeling that way. I mean, a drink every once in a while,

like, like a margarita, a TGI Fridays with the girls, you know, don't joke. I would love to be the TGI Fridays with you. I would. And I'll say it's my birthday and they come around.

One of the only things I actually need in this life is for me and you to split a Jack Daniels sampler. I would do 100 percent. Or a triple dipper at Chili's. I would do it. Or like an onion blossom. Oh, my God. An Outback Steakhouse. I just won't go to the Olive Garden.

I did it with Nick and I can't do it. I don't like Olive Garden. I love. This is why I've always respected you. Well, you have a different thing with it. I don't like it because I just don't think the food is good. But it feels like you have a deeper. That's exactly why I don't like it.

I don't think the food is good. And Nick loves it. We did a video where we went to the Olive Garden. I genuinely thought we were just going to make this video and just kind of be like, well, the food is not that good. We weren't expecting a hit out of it. But we go there. They put us in the worst seat. We were right next to the kitchen.

It also felt like a heat wave in the kitchen of the Olive Garden. It was just like hitting us. And then a gay carrying all these plates. They all fell in front of us. Nick started panicking. He's like, oh, my God. It's World War III. Jesus Christ almighty.

Then we were sweating. And then we were like delusional. And then it was a lot going on. And so, yeah, that was my only experience at the Olive Garden. Wait, I had a beautiful experience at a restaurant in Mexico City where you being in the kitchen reminded me of it. Me and my friends were at a restaurant in Mexico City in like January. And they were sitting at the table. It was a nice place.

And the sir comes over and he goes, you come with me. Pulls all of us from the table. Pulls all of us from the table. Walks us through the restaurant. It was a nice place. And the sir comes over and he goes, you come with me. Pulls all of us from the table. Pulls all of us from the table. Walks us through the restaurant. Virginia was there. You remember this. He walks us upstairs into the kitchen. And he's like, staff, say hello to our guests.

They all say hello. And then they give us an individualized prepared bites for each of us. And they make it in front of us. It was like a dumpling. But it was like a Mexican fusion dumpling. I have never had such a beautiful experience in my life oh my god that's the kitchen and they all they all were like they all did like three claps and a little chant and then they sent us back to the table and we by the way this is humiliating but i will tell it we were we when it happened

we were kind of like which one of us did they recognize? You know? And I will be honest, a little bit in my head, I was like, it could be anyone, but it was you. You know? And I was like, it's probably me. This is humiliating. Oh, my God. Like, I can't go anywhere anymore. And then we sat back down, and they did it to every single table. Oh, my God.

And I was like, no worries. Oh, my God. And I was like, no worries. That's the thing. I mean, don't you love when Earth just brings you right back down? Yeah. Right back down. One time, Lisa Traeger and I, we were in the car.

This is years ago. We're driving to go perform in Jersey at Bananas. And she was doing some TV show. And I think I had just gotten late nights. We're like, we're doing it. Our career is happening. And then we show up to I think I had just gotten late nights. We're like, we're doing it. Our career is happening. And then we show up to this Bananas in New Jersey comedy club. And they go, well, the room is currently being used for quinceanera.

So we've moved you to another room. And so we just sat in the chair as six audience members passed us while they were duct taping real bananas on the stage. And Lisa was like, okay, we've brought right back down to Earth. We've reached the most of the sun and this is actually not... But also, isn't Mexico City unbelievable? The food, the people. I loved it. I loved it. I walked so much that my feet bled.

I sort of... I really... Have you been to Italy yet? I know, but I'm actually going to Milan probably in July. Okay. Because a friend's playing a show there and I'm going to be in Europe already, so I'm going to try really hard to go to Milan to see the show. How long are you going to be in Milan for?

Well, honey, I have no plans. I'm going to Europe. I'm seeing a friend play a show in Paris. I'm going to Europe for all of July and I have maybe two nights of plans and I might go to Milan for like a week. You need to go to Rome. Well, maybe I'll go to Rome. What should I do? Do you have Rex? I have a list.

Does Matteo Lane have Rex in Italy? I have, I have a list. I will get you the best restaurants and they'll, I'll message them. Like we'll get you the best service. I'll tell you though.

I mean, Rome is like where I live and breathe. I love Rome. Well then come with me. I'm going in June. Well, come back in July. I'll come back in July.

No, but there's, there, Milan is great. ciao milanese, but it's very industrial and very businessy and lacks what we would sort of look at as the identity of Italy, right? Where Italy is these dramatic Latin yelling. And Milan is a little more like, yeah we're we're just we're business people

so you go to Milan it's beautiful the food is great people are great but it it's not the same as Rome where you're literally thrown into chaos and there's ancient monuments everywhere and the food and the people in the streets and the cobblestone and the history like Rome is like a fantasy like you get to Rome and you're like, oh my God. I was just touring all of Europe and the second we get to Rome, it still has that magical air quality to it. Is Rome the place in Italy that you would have me go the most? Rome is a great place for someone who is not Italian and has never been to Italy to go to first. Because I love Naples, but Naples is not a place you send someone to. If they are not familiar with Italian culture because they

will be shocked and they will be scared out of their mind. What's happening in Naples? What's going on in Naples? I can't go over there? You can. You don't think they would be charmed by me? It's not about that. They will charm the pants off of you while literally stealing your pants.

Naples, how do you... No one here is Italian. Are you Italian? Okay. What did you pants. Naples, how do you, no one here is Italian. Are you Italian? Okay, and what did you feel about Naples? It's my favorite city in the world. A little grittier. A little. A little grittier, a little, okay. Look, they created written music.

They created all the famous Italian dishes we know. They created opera. They created pizza. It's an incredible city, historic, but they don't speak Italian. They speak Napolitano, which is a language I don't speak. The traffic is literally insane. There are no rules. No one listens to the traffic.

Everyone is screaming all the time. And it is legitimate. Even for me, as someone who grew up in an Italian culture, speaks Italian, it is culture shock. It is like Italy on steroids and ecstasy, cocaine, and molly thrown together. But it's like, yeah, the best and the worst all combined. And it's like chaos and historic. It's amazing. It's an amazing place to go.

I'm going to skip Naples. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to skip Naples. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to skip Naples. Maybe sometime if we go together. I will definitely, I will try to go to Rome. I also, some point on this Europe trip,

I want to, like I have no plans. At some point, I want to just spend like three or four days in the countryside of somewhere. I want to be out of a major city. I want to be, I would love to be,

truthers, anyone listening, Kate Liberty's, Kate Lesbians, if anyone has connections to like a goat farm in rural something in Europe I want to be there

for a couple days Tuscany Tuscany I also might get on a friend my friend is touring over there I might get on her

tour bus with her for a couple days who is this friend I want to go with them Bjork it's a joke I'm kidding do you know what I loved

was Ireland I'd never been to Ireland before I don't know if I can do it with Irish people they have such a I can do it with Irish people They have such a I'm sorry to say Irish people I know I have some fans there

But they're just a little I don't know they annoy me I felt the exact opposite Are you being serious? No I just wanted to have a take I'll go to Ireland I was like that was bold Well because I was in manchester

i land in manchester it's raining and the british you get to the airport like go that way go that way you know like kind of yell at you and i'm so used to jfk where like if you're waiting for the line for the taxi like the guy's like over there fuck this shit so i go i'm exhausted i get to ireland i'm waiting for the line and the the guy walks up to me. He's like, how many other are you? I go, oh, there's just one. Well, one's still a party. We'll get you on board. Get on board.

And I was like, what? And I just had, I had the most beautiful time in Ireland. I loved every bit of it. I had like a spiritual moment. It was all within 24 hours. It was just like a, it was a really beautiful time. I loved Ireland. I blew a date with an Irish guy in London london last time i was in london okay i had met hold on a second because if you rearrange that sentence it's a much more fun night so i wish i wish it was the

fun one yeah yeah no i met this i was i went to the um boy genius and muna concert in london last year when i was over there to do my shows and i met a cute guy at the show and i was flirting with him and i was like you know we should go out while I'm in town. And so we did. And we went to this, we went to this bar and, or a pub, I guess they would call it. And we went, I couldn't place his accent. He didn't have a very strong accent. And I just wasn't thinking. And like three minutes into the date, I was like, I made some reference to him being British. And I don't know how much y'all know about Irish people. It's not good. They're not obsessed with that idea. And he was like,

he was like, oh, you're fucking kidding me. He was so mad at me. He was so mad at me for thinking he was British. And then the rest of the date was fine, but I definitely think it could have been a husband and then said it was just a date. And said it was just a date. He needs to relax. One time a girl in my college

she walked in and was like, hello. And I was like, and I Well, he needs to relax. One time a girl in my high school, no, my college, she walked in. She's like, hello. And I was like. And I said, oh, you must be from Australia. Welcome to Chicago. She's like, New Zealand, actually. I was like, well, I didn't say China. Like, I was close. Like, it was pretty close.

Grow up, bitch. Yeah. You know, I have a Chicago accent. That's that. That's a thing. Do you have a Chicago accent? Yeah. I think you do.

I do have a Chicago accent. I've had to change how a thing. Do you have a Chicago accent? Yeah. I do have a Chicago accent. I've had to change how I say certain words, too. Really? Which ones? Well, I realize that you don't say leg and egg. Yeah. You say leg and egg. And then I realize you don't say roof.

You say roof. Yeah. And not sausage. Sausage. This is okay. I didn't realize this about you, but this is all true. Yeah. My uncle Mike had like the thickest.

He's from the South Side Irish. So, you know, mateo um these guys over here we're gonna go to them things there like that was literally how he talked one of those guys in snl you know remember the da bears like that i was like my uncle mike like you know i love that what uh there's like maybe you're one of a handful of people that i just implicitly trust your taste about comedy so intensely i think you're an absolute genius which is known but who the like young comedians right now you said Maddie Weiner just opened for you I love Maddie Weiner I'm completely obsessed with her who are the comedians coming up right now that you are like loving well just Tom just Tom makes me laugh so hard not just that but also when we're hanging like we're backstage hanging

out just like in conversation making me laugh. And we've worked together a bunch of times, but I mean, just makes you laugh out loud. Lisa Trager, Yamanika Saunders. Yamanika Saunders is the funniest comic I've ever met. I don't know anyone funnier than Yamanika. Oh, interesting. No, I'm kidding.

No, she is so funny. She is the funniest. Yamanika is the funniest to me. I watched Yamanika do, I did the last comedy at the Knitting Factory show. Oh, we were on that one together. That thing. There's a picture, and I think you're in it, of Yamanika when she was on stage. Me, Marie, and Sydney were laughing so hard that we're holding onto each other to keep standing.

Yeah. We couldn't stand. We were laughing so hard. That set, she came on and just was so outrageous. That was the first time I'd seen her live. And I was like, this bitch is first and foremost out of her mind. Like crazy. Like truly so crazy good.

Like in a different level of reality. And then she just murdered. Murdered. Absolutely destroyed. I also love Godfrey. Speaking of comics, I think are the funniest. Godfrey. And also Tranna Wintour.

I don't know if you know her. But she's a comic in Montreal. So anytime I'm doing like a Canada spots, i have her and tom hearn open for me tom hearn does the barefoot contessa on instagram you've seen like how fabulous is that yeah but she trana makes me like yeah i i love having comics like work with me like if they're opening for me on the show that i genuinely think are hysterical maddie wieniner makes me laugh. Caitlin Palufo makes me laugh. I mean, yeah. Do you want to hear a Godfrey story?

Yes. I have a Godfrey story. Chance, do you remember this? Is it from college? Uh-huh. I've got something from that too. Damn. So Godfrey came and played at Missouri State when we were in college there.

And I don't know what year this was. It would have been somewhere between like 2017, 2014, 2013 to 2017. know what years this was it would have been somewhere between like 2017 2014 2013 and 2017 um 2014 godfrey came in and played the school and uh i was on like the student activities committee because of course and he was like he was like do you guys want to go do something after the show to like me and some of the other college kids and we were like for sure he's like cool i'm gonna go to my hotel room real quick just to do something and then can you guys pick me up and we were like yeah okay and so he went to his hotel room and just obviously got like the most high anyone's ever been in their entire life and then we went and picked him up and he was like he was like

let's go to waffle house and we're like for sure so we took him to waffle house and then we we were just like didn't really know what to say and he was so baked and just at waffle house he was like like um pulling us he was being like what what do people your guys' age listen to? What are you guys watching? What do you guys think is interesting? And the whole Waffle House was just him being super baked, us being stone sober, and him being like, what are kids into now? And it was so fascinating. And I think about it now, and I'm like, that is an iconic thing to do after your college show.

Oh, that's – after a college show i was taking but to the waffle house i'm in heaven i'm in heaven and i'm high and i'm getting the intel what are the youngs if you're at if you're at a diner it's four o'clock in the morning what are you ordering oh my god okay well if i'm at waffle house specifically i'm gonna tell i'm gonna put people on right now waffle house has a grilled chicken sandwich that no one knows about well people know that no one gives it credit because it's not a breakfast food their grilled chicken sandwich is actually fucking amazing it's one of my favorite grilled chicken sandwiches but a diner in general i'm getting if it's somewhere in the midwest or the south i'm getting biscuit a biscuit with sausage gravy okay if it's somewhere on the

coast i'm never getting the biscuits and gravy they can't do it it's fucking humiliating coastal diners just take it off the menu And then I'm getting like a Polish sausage Or like a piece of ham Like some kind of breakfast meat Oh so really like salty Yo I love a salt I love a fatty Like I'll also do

I'll do like two eggs But I'm really The eggs are just like Why are we even doing the eggs Yeah I get that I usually I'll do French toast No powdered sugar on top You're a sweet boy

And but next to it I want scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese Cheddar cheese Do you prefer when they put like shredded in there And get it all in there Or when they just throw like a slice on top You're a sweet boy. But next to it, I want scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese. Cheddar cheese. Do you prefer when they put shredded in there and get it all in there or when they just throw a slice on top? Girl, I want shredded. What are we doing? Just say you don't.

I get it. It's four o'clock in the morning. Neither one of us wants to be here, okay? But you're putting, just laying it on. It's not a burger. All you had to do now is just a little more. Give it somewhat of a fantasy that you try. But yeah.

No, I don't want the laying on top. I used to go to Chicagoans. I used to go to the Golden Nugget all the time. Thank you. That was a great place. The Golden Nugget. Love, love, love. There's a couple of Greek places my friend Sophie and I would go to.

It used to be called the Blue Angel in Jefferson Park. But yeah. If I want French toast or I'll do a Lisa Traeger move where you order pancakes for the table as she says, it's a power move. And then, um, cause I always want something sweet, but I want like the, like cheesy, I want both flavors there. I had a really funny diner moment with Lisa once because she had asked me to come to, we were supposed to hang out and she was like, Hey, I got it.

I picked up a spot at the store. We come to the store and just watch my set real quick and then we'll go hang out and i was like for sure and we're hanging out with her and mosha kasher and i suppose all the other ones and and she she came up to me and mosha had just been standing with us and he was going to come out to the diner with us and she goes she goes i fucking hate that guy and And I was like, oh my God, why? And she's like, he's like straight up like an abuser.

Like he's been very weird to women. And I was like, oh, oh, oh my God. And so I, the whole, the rest of the night, Moshe's like hanging around us and Lisa's being very friendly to Moshe, which if you know,

if you know Lisa, she's not one to be friendly to someone she doesn't like. She's barely friendly to her friends. And so, and I'm her friend, you know? And so I'm like, I'm kidding. Lisa's lovely.

But she would never suffer fools. She doesn't have a poker face. No. And no, cannot contain. And so the whole night, I'm on pins because I'm like, I really like Moshe. I can't believe I've learned that he's like a predator, you know? And I'm friends with Natasha as well. And I'm like, does Natasha know that he's doing this?

I am spinning out. And we're walking to the diner me Moshe and Lisa and I'm like now I'm having a meal with Lisa and a friend that I've just learned is a sexual predator and I at some point I get a moment to talk to Lisa and I go I go maybe we got to the diner and Moshe went to the bathroom or something and I was like dude I'm fucking bummed I like don't know I'm like really bummed out because of what you told me about Moshe and she goes what and I was like about him being a because of what you told me about Moshe. And she goes, what? And I was like about him being a sexual. And she was like, I was talking about the guy on stage.

And it was some comic I don't know and have never heard of. And I was just truly so relieved because for like 15 or 20 minutes, I was like, my friend is dead to me. I was like, that's crazy. And also I was thinking differently of Lisa. I was like, why are we going to the diner? Right. It's like you're being so friendly with him like you love to go it was great that was a crazy moment in my in my life that moment lisa but yeah diners and there's not that many still around like even in

new york like the selka's not open anymore it's not it's not open 24 hours it closes at like 11 i think they're gonna go back to 24 hours because a pierogi at two o'clock in the morning is a plus what's your all-time favorite late night diner anywhere in the anywhere in the world um probably vaselka when it was open 24 7 it was that was the best the best menu options best cooking i love pierogies they were the best this hook is great great location it's a fun little area i mine was the um the original pick-me-up cafe location in chicago oh i used to go to Pick Me Up all the time. Loved it. What was their thing?

They weren't vegan-vegetarian. Something was... They had a lot of vegan-vegetarian options, and they had pies and shit. And it was just so... It was this weird, funky little place in Rick and Bill. The structure of it didn't make sense. No. It was like one room off to the side that had risers in it and a booth up there.

And all the staff was mean. And it was really horrend horrendous and it was my favorite place in the whole world and they called they used to have melrose diner which i don't even remember melrose diner but it was on melrose and broadway in chicago and i used to live over there so after the uh i'd go out to like the clubs and i would get drunk and then i would by myself go to melrose diner and order grilled cheese but because they had three pieces of bread but what i would do is get american and mozzarella cheese and they would overstuff it and i would just sit there eat that french fries go home go to sleep wake up next day absolutely obsessed mateo we have a question that we ask everyone on the show yes i have to ask you which is what is so true to you mariah carey point blank period i was literally i'm not making this up, I was on the way over here

listening to Obsessed by Mariah Carey and thinking as far as diss tracks go, the line, what order is it in? She says, you're a mom and pop,

I'm a corporation, I'm a press conference, you're a conversation. I was like, that is hard as fuck. That's a hard diss line. But Mariah is one of your girls. Mariah, I love Mariah Carey.

And I've been, you know, over the years, I've been a little harsh to Mariah Carey. I mean, I've made a lot of jokes, which I've already publicly apologized because I do love her. I've seen her live 14 times. And I have a joke where I say, her fans are called lambs.

We should be called enablers. But in a way, like I look at it now and think you know what she did the work she writes all of her own music she has one of the best voices of all time and i know like top five voices i mariah for me is up there and people like to argue whether whitney is better than her but i just find mariah's voice much more interesting than a lot of other singers and i think that has to do with the fact she writes her own music. And I keep going back to her. And I love Mariah Carey.

I love that you love Mariah Carey. What's your favorite Mariah Carey song? If you had to pick literally gun to your head, no choice but that song. And we can bring a gun out of it. We've got guys. Can we get one of the guns? Oh, my God. That's a really hard question.

I know. I ask the hard questions. Probably outside or... Fascinating. You said one I've never heard of. Yeah. It's all the, like, her... That's a real fan.

Yeah. And I even told her when I met her, I said that was one of my favorite songs. But I was on her good side, so she couldn't look at me. So she just leaned down. She said, thanks. And it was in an elevator for MTV. Yeah, of course. Where else would

it be it was a night it was a nightmare uh but i got to be with her for 15 minutes and i was i heard her do a whistle note live so that was my you know she did a whistle note in the elevator next to my ear i was i i finally i was that was very cool i've had moments with my favorite divas so mariah i was in an elevator with and she she sang. And I recently went to the Metropolitan Opera and was given Maria Collis' handwritten letters to Bing, who was at that time the president of the Metropolitan Opera. And so I got to literally hold letters that she wrote, which was very cool.

Oh, that is so cool. Yeah. When you said given, I was like, they gave those to you? They gave them to me? I was like, your influence is getting out of control. They're giving you, like, artifacts. This is nuts. I would have cried.

If they gave me Maria Callas letters, I would absolutely sob and cry. Y'all, give them to Mateo. You're not using them. Yeah, they're not. They're not. They're just sitting there. They literally had to pull them out of, like, the archives. I'm like, I'll take one.

Just give me one of the letters what i want to ask you i have a question for you and then a segment the but the question i have to ask you just because it came to my mind you're talking about the met what what is the what is the most special venue you've ever played like what's the one what's the one that you were like oh oh carnegie hall yeah that was that was that was something else that was even it hasn't even quite settled with me that and it wasn't even the stand-up because I had Nadine Sierra who's the top soprano in the world I mean she performs she's like the number one soprano in the world and she had been following me for a long time on Instagram and I went to go see her in Lucia and we always chatted she's got a great

sense of humor and we talk opera and so I was doing Carnegie Hall and I thought I want to end it in a really special way but I don't want to because I wanted to sing but I didn't want to be like finish the show and like and now more of me like that's so gross you know singing my way or something gross so I I I asked her if she would sing with me and she said yes she was in town so she brought me the Metropolitan Opera and we got to rehearse in the Metropolitan Opera and she gave me a tour and then so I was more nervous for singing uh i put it on my instagrams if you want to see the song but i was more nervous singing with her than i was doing the stand-up so after the stand-up she came out on stage we had the piano player and we started

and i that was the first time ever in my life because usually when i'm on stage i'm work focused so i'm trying to listen to the sound of the audience, wait for the right amount of laughter, get into the next, like, it's all very like calculated in my head, like how quick I should respond, how long I should wait. And with this, it was the first time I stopped and I looked around and I'm at Carnegie Hall and I am singing opera with the number one opera soprano in the world. That was the very first time ever on stage. It hit me. I was like, soprano in the world that was the very first time ever on stage it hit me i was like how did i get here like that is very very very very crazy to me so i'll never forget that moment well it's a long way from arlington heights illinois it's a long way it's a long way from arlington heights working

at michael's arts and crafts where i i was i was i know you gave him hell in the michaels baby i did i was fired for stealing but yeah yeah that's what I was referring to. I know you steal. Mateo, we have a true-false segment for you. Okay. And basically, I'm going to read you 15 statements. Oh, wonderful. Oh, wonderful.

You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false. And hey, if you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. Really? Oh, my God. That's great. Okay. I'm so excited. Go ahead.

Okay. Here we go. Halle Berry... I'm kidding. Halle Berry won an Oscar for her performance in Perfect Stranger. False. False. It was... Monster Ball.

Monster Ball. O'Hare Airport was originally named Orchard Field Airport. False. True. Penguins have teeth. What does? Penguins. True.

False. The show Dexter's Laboratory aired on Nickelodeon. That is... False. It was Cartoon Network. It was Cartoon Network. It was Cartoon Network. Tic-Tac-Toe was invented by Benjamin Franklin. False.

False. Bozeman, Montana does not have a Shake Shack. True. True. Honey Never Spoils. False. True. And that also should be the title of something, by the way.

Never Spoils. Honey Never Spoils, baby. Jacuzzi. The longest river in Italy is the River Tiber. True. False. The Po. I don't know. A jiffy is an actual unit the River Tiber. True. False. The Po. I don't know.

A jiffy is an actual unit of time. False. True. I'm so bad at this. I've gotten almost all of them wrong. True. One one hundredth of a second. A group of porcupines is called a pockpot.

True. False. A prickle. Nathan Lane owns 11 dogs. False. False. Just one. Sharks have been on Earth longer than trees.

False. True. What? Than trees? Also, Jacques Hughes. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air ran for six seasons. False. True.

Oh, I thought it was longer than that. Six seasons? Rob, why did it feel like it was an eternity? Did the nanny run for one? Like how? I'm awful at this. Two more. Sarah Jessa Parker played Annie on Broadway.

True. True. The typewriter was invented in Sweden. True. False. It was Italy. No. Well, how many did he get right?

Three. Really? I was better than I thought. Yeah. This is why I almost failed high school. You were stealing at Michael's. You were stealing at Michael's. I was stealing at Michael's. I was failing my test.

Yeah, it was a rough time. You had things going on. You couldn't be doing well in high school. Yeah. Honestly, you getting less than 10 is great for the show because we got to keep the budget low. So it's better. We also don't pay people. I think only one person has...

Only one person has ever, who one has ever insisted that they get their money and it was Trixie Mattel. Trixie Mattel texted me and said, I want my $50. And I literally had to Apple Pay her $50 US. I can't say what it is, but every three months,

Trixie and I text each other a very specific video that we recorded a couple years ago. Maybe when I come back next time, I'll show you the video. Next time you'll show the video. I have to get approval from her first. You don't have to get approval from Trixie. She'll do it. I'll do it.

Is there anything you want to plug for our millions and millions of listeners? Yes. Hi. Well, thank you for having me on the show. I'm such a big fan of yours. And I was very excited and tickled that you asked me to be on the show. So I'm very happy. Yeah, I do a podcast with my arch nemesis,

Nick Smith called. I never liked you and it's available where you get podcasts and you can follow me on everything. Mateo lane. And I'm on tour. An absolute genius. We love you. Thank you for doing it.

Thanks for having me. Oh my God. We're done. Mateo. Come on.