So True with Caleb Hearon - Michael Cruz Kayne Loves Basketball

Episode Date: May 21, 2026

Welcome! This week’s guest is the hilarious Michael Cruz Kayne! Michael and Caleb talk getting bullied, Caleb’s mysterious new medical ailment, stealing, and more!  Check out Michael’s special ‘Sorry for Your Loss’ here! https://tr.ee/YZzrZWAY8H  Join our Substack for ad free full episodes, early access to merch, our community chat, and more! https://calebsaysthings.substack.com/    Follow Michael! @cruzkayne Follow the show! @sooootruepod  Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings  Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Try Domino's Parmesan Stuffed Crust Pizza today at https://dominos.com  Our listeners can buy one prescription pair and get 20% off additional pairs at https://WarbyParker.com/SOTRUE— and using our link helps support the show. #WarbyParker #ad  Shop now at https://Fabletics.com/sotrue to get seventy to eighty percent off everything when you sign up as a new VIP  So True with Caleb Hearon is edited and engineered by Nicole Lyons. Our social media manager is Virginia Muller. All episodes are filmed in The So Trudio at Legitimate Business World Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York.  A Wave series. wavesportsandentertainment.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

From the pitch to the stands to communities around the world. The beautiful game is coming to our beautiful country, uniting fans around a shared passion. Now you have the opportunity to hold this chapter of Canadian soccer history in the palm of your hands. Score the FIFA World Cup 2026 $1 coin today. Look forward in your change. Wave. I'd be happy for him to find some kind of a, some kind of a,

a sports job. I bet you would. You want him to work. You watch the SportsCenter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, get a job at Sports Center. See if they'll give old dad a tour. I bet you get to take someone around the office every once in a while.

Maybe you bring in an old dad. Yeah, hey, give, give paw chance. Okay. What's going on? Yes, we just learned off camera. And maybe people will see it in this episode. I think it's kind of starting to go right now. Where's my camera?

This one? Zoom. I have developed an i-twitch. Yeah. And you have one, too? I have three weeks of eye-titching. What is going on? I don't know.

It could, here are the things that it could be. People say. People are loving to tell me what it is, by the way. Everyone's an expert on eye twitch. Yeah. Everyone has a PhD and... Well, and what I love is, you tell someone like, oh, my eye's been twitching lately, and they go, you know what it is.

Like, they love to tell you like they... 100% they know. Like, their dad's, like, an eyewitch specialist, and they're like in the family business. Ocular muscular muscular is their absolute special. They love to go, well, have you had water? Mm-hmm. Like, they love to pitch water like, you've never heard of that. And can I say something?

No one alive drinks more water than I do. I'm saying. I'm, I'm guzzling. I'm putting water away. I'm guzzling. Yeah, I'm absolutely pounding water. I don't drink alcohol. Yeah.

I like water. I go to the bar. I have a water. I have a diet Coke at worst. So there's no way that it's the lack of water. Yeah. Could it be lack of sleep? Absolutely.

Totally. I don't sleep. I got like 10 hours last night, though. You did? 10 hours last night. Is that a very rare occasion? Yes, I'm trying to do better now because of the eyetwich. Yeah, because I'm three weeks into the Twitch, and I'm like, I'm ready for it to stop.

It's really annoying. Yeah. I'm feeling like, I almost said suicidal, and that felt not. That felt not true. I was like, actually, we shouldn't say that. It would be a rough loss to have to explain that to people, to be like, why did he do it? Like, sometimes his eye twitch. Eye twitch can be really affecting, though.

People don't realize that. I think any chronic situation, like you don't really realize how bad it is until it's like, oh, now this has been happening for a month. Yeah. Anything for a month is bad. You got a little scratch here. It's not a big deal. You're still scratching a month later.

You're thinking about... You're thinking about ending it. Ending it. You're like, what if this is my new normal? What if my eye never not twitches again? Your brain is bouncing. You're like... You spiral out into an awful fantasy life

where like your eye is twitching at your grandson's bris or something. Why did I say that? Yeah. No, it really... Every time anything happens to... to me, like if I get a sore throat, I go, the thing that stresses me out is not that it's happening now, I go, this is forever. 100%. I go, oh, this will never be, I'll never be well again.

But you're young. Oh, sure. So you have, you're going to go through things that will change. Well, you'll have little blips, but then you'll be better. I'm, it's all, everything's happening to me. My bones are decomposing. Every single injury I have is a permanent, like my, both my ankles, my knees. I play hoops, I hoop it up.

Yeah. You play a B ball at all? No, no. No. knees and ankles are good right now. I'm constantly in pain. Yeah. How old are you? I am 47. You're 47. Can you believe it? I did not know you're 47. And I looked like this.

Are you crazy? Are you crazy? You look great. Yeah. Oh my gosh. You look spry. Yeah. We cancancel. It's the podcast over now. Oh my gosh. Shut it down. That was so much fun talking to you, dude. This was a great episode. We actually should put out like a five minute episode one week. I think that'd be really funny. It's five minutes of interview and then it's all the ads. Just back to back to back to back. My eye is twitching now. That's most people. Is it?

It's sad. I don't see it. Yeah, mine comes and goes. Yeah. I'm scared of the eye twitch. I fear every bad thing that happens to me. Yeah. Any small thing, stub my toe, anything.

I go, this is the beginning of the end. Yeah, for sure. Everything from here on out will stem from that and it will go downhill. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? That'll be like the butterfly effect that ripples through every single thing in your entire life. This sore throat is the three week notice before I find out that I have a disease that can't be cured. Yeah.

I will, everything that happens today. is the last, the end of the week. I have a sore throat, which means I have rickets, I don't know what rickets is. Which means I have like the milk sickness or something. And I'm done. Yeah. I'm sorry that I went back to iTunes because I'm afraid that I will go back to it

and this will become, can I say it into camera, the I Twitch episode? This episode brought you by iTunes. This is already the I Twitch episode. Yeah. And I want to tell you Warby Parker, that's eyes. Hello. Maybe there's a tie-in. Cover up your Twitch with a big enough frame. Exactly. Warby Parker.

Hey, is your eye freaking out, Warby Parker? Are you a fucked up freak with an eye twitch all the time? Here's a pair of glasses that might be able to cover that up. Why obscure your face with some really goofy frames? Try Warby Parker. That is quite literally what I'm up to. Obscuring my face with some goofy frames. Keeping it silly, keeping people distracted from the eye twitch.

Oh, my God, I'm scared of the eye twitch. Time of our lives. I mean, really, what do you think is going on with the eye twitch? I'm not kidding. I'm really scared of it. It has to be stress, right? Are you stressed out all the time? I don't think so.

I mean, I guess it's either all the time or never. And I don't know. Right, right, right. Do you know what I mean? This is water, so to speak. Come me ask you a question. Yeah. Do you know how you feel?

Oh, my God. What a good question. I think I know how I feel. I do too. Okay, like you, I always think I'm not stressed out. I'm not depressed. You know what I'm going to the therapist or I'm like, I feel bad. I feel bad.

And then everybody's like, maybe you're depressed. And I'm like, no, that's not it. Yeah. That's not it. It's a nice idea, but not that. But maybe I'm pushing it all down. and the eye twitch is like, it's coming out, baby. Yeah, you think.

I don't know. It's possibly, it's certainly possible. I think I either know exactly how I feel or I have no clue. Yeah. Does that make sense? I have a lot of confidence in my self-awareness that may be completely wrong. Yeah. I may go, how are you feeling and I go, fine?

Yeah. And I mean that. Yeah. But what if I'm not fine? Yeah. What if the eye is twitching and he knows and I don't know? In your private moments, are you ever having, you're having a real dark freak out? You're ever having a spiraling daydream?

Never. Never. I'm totally chilling. I don't know. Then it's, maybe it's not that. Maybe it's the water thing. Maybe it's the water thing, but I'm drinking a lot of water. Yeah.

I don't know. Water, sleep, stress. Those are the ones that they say, right? That's the ones that, a stranger on the street would say these things to you about an eyetwich. A dog will walk up to you and tell you. Yes. Anybody, it's like, there's like basically signs on the lamppost that say, if you have an eye twitch, sleep water stress.

Yeah, rip off a little number, call this number. I'll tell you about your eye twitch. Don't think I'm stressed. I'm getting the same amount of sleep I've always gotten, which is not a lot. Yeah. Sure. Could it be that we've both been exposed to some kind of poison? Well, this is what I fear.

Yeah. This is what I fear, and I fear it's forever. I feel like now I'll be I Twitch guy forever. You're like, I Twitch is kind of your thing. Causes. Eye strain, he says, looking at this thing like it's 100 miles away. Maybe triggered by alcohol intake. Not me.

Caffeine excess. I am working on caffeine. Never. I never drink caffeine. See me and you are different. Okay. Eye strain fatigue. Fatigue is that could be it.

It could 100%. I don't sleep. Now, why aren't you sleeping? Porn addiction. Long pause. I'm upholding my eye open. No, I'm just too much stuff to do. There's too many people to see.

There's too many things to think about. I have like my, I have like a multiple. Nicole, I got a good laugh out of Nicole on that one for some reason. I said there's too many things to think about. And Nicole's weird. What do you mean? What are we thinking about? Everything.

Name a thing. I'm thinking about it. Conflicts, personal, global, military. All of it. Every strata. Oh, my God. Things I said years ago. People I haven't talked to.

People I haven't talked to. This is when you're like, I'm definitely not depressed. You know, like, I stay up until late in the night thinking about global conflicts. It could be that. Is that depression, though? Or is that just like? I don't know. I'm not sure that that's what it is.

Someone tap in. I can't, but I can't fall asleep because I'm thinking about global conflicts feels like something. You ever stay up because you're worried about? the world? I step because I watch Sports Center twice. No worries. Yeah, I watch it.

I watch it again twice. I'm going, my kids go to sleep at whatever time. So it's like wife time. So I'm wife and I hang out and then wife goes to sleep and then I watch Sports Center twice.

Yeah. But do you think once would do it? Absolutely. The second Sports Center is identical to the one before. They're telling you the exact stuff they already told you. Yeah.

But I like the bouncing of the balls. I like the big men's mushing each other. I love it. Yeah. You, I think my big note for you if I could give you one and you feel free to give me one too. I would just say do Sports Center once and then maybe go to bed. That could help. That would be my one thing. Are you ever, are you ever for sports? You're wearing sports. Big football guy. Football,

American football. Kansas City Chiefs. Incredible. Yeah. Do you have football team? Do you care about football at all? I care about the San Francisco 49ers, so we're natural rivals. Sorry. And also, but you're from Kansas City. Yes. I acquired it as a youth. Because I was being bullied relentlessly, actually. And I thought, because I was not cool, I think, I wore sweatpants all the time. Yeah. I had really bad eczema. I had really bad acne.

Yeah. I went on to braces, which were clear. No. Big mistake. No. It looks like your teeth have teeth. Yeah. So I had a lot of stuff going wrong for me.

I was, now you'd think, okay, well, at least he was probably a good student. Absolutely not. Teachers, yeah, berating me in front of the classroom. Yeah. It's quite smart. You're such an easy victim. Yeah. But I had no.

natural ally. There was no place. There was nowhere to hide. And I thought maybe if I like sports, that will save me. The 49ers were good at that time. So that's just who I latched on to. And where were you in the world? New Haven, Connecticut. New Haven, Connecticut being a 49ers fan. Yeah, couldn't be geographically further from the 49ers. Also, sports as identity and community typically very geographical. And for you to pick a team across the country is like, okay, your judgment was not with the sweats and everything. It's like, yeah, you're obviously, we're not, I was making some bad choices. You were not dialed in. This is before, and eventually I discovered

theater. Hello. They'll take anybody. Literally, yes. But that's actually, at that age, actually true. Low bar to entry. Yeah, this sloppy person

riddled with pockmarks, bring it, we'll take 10 more of these. Yeah, you can play a leper in the next production, whatever. They just don't care. So there, in theater, I'm a king.

Yeah. Absolutely a king. So that's where, but before that, I adopted the 49ers prior to discovering the outlet of theater. Yeah. How did you find the theater?

My mom forced me. Yeah, she made you do theater. My mom made me do ballet class. She made me do piano. Yeah. She made me do theater. Was she just like desperate to have a gay son or she didn't? Those three specific.

Militantly trying to make me homosexual. I see you not having any friends. Might I interest you in ballet? It's like a very dastardly kind of move. Yeah. Is there anything I can do to maybe if we deepen this alienation? Yeah. To ostracize you further.

Let's pick a beautiful rare art form that boys historically don't respect. And I would say that to that end, every single week, she was like, no, this week, the teacher told me there are going to be other boys in the class. And then she would drop me off, marry a boy in sight. Yeah. Not a one. Yeah. And I'm the most, oh, also, inflexible person alive. Yeah.

So other people are, well, they're training to be ballerinas. That's what they want to do. I can't touch my knees. Right. So it's humiliating for me in a hundred different ways. Yeah. How long did you do ballet? I did it for, I want to say, three years of ballet classes.

Wow. A long time. And it got to the point where I hated it so much that my mom would drop me off and I would go inside. And then once her car, a big white van, she drove a big white van. Once it drove away, I would go outside to a pay phone, call the school and say I was sick. And then my mom would come and pick me up and I would walk back into the school to be picked. You understand what I'm saying? Yes, huge.

I'm doing subterfuge. Yes. I'm really proud of him. I like what he was doing. Yes. I wish I knew him. I would have been your friend. Thank you so much for that.

Were you popular when you were? You were always popular? Uh, I wouldn't say popular. I existed in a, I kind of... Like a liminal space. I kind of got on with everybody because it was a survival technique. Okay. I, the, the weird kids drawing, like, anime pictures, uh, at lunch and, like, wearing horse tails and shit.

I got on with them. We were cool. The athletes. I kind of just like, I understood. I had like a little in with everybody. But guess what? A friend to all, a friend to none. I had no home.

Okay. I had no, like, place to, I didn't have, like, the theater. I'm trying to have sympathy for that, but I was, I was getting absolutely abused. I know. I know. I totally understand. No, I totally understand. Because you were, you played football, right?

I did. I played football third grade to ninth grade. Okay, so that's an end. That's, even if you don't feel, like, totally at one with it, that's a community, like people who respect you? Yeah, I was allowed places. I wasn't, like, I wasn't picked on for the most part. And then also you're eloquent and you're interested in, like, that's how you can get along with people.

Because all those things together combined to make, like, everybody wants that guy around. Even if you don't feel like you're with them, they think you're with them. And you didn't feel interested or eloquent. No, no, no, never. No, not a lot. No, I was, I was, and I also looked like hell. I looked, I looked bad. Yeah.

I exom at every place. 100% of my body. I was a crocodile person. I love him. And I've already talked, I've talked about this before, but on top of all of this, because of, of the eczema, this is fifth grade now, a girl in my fifth grade class convinced the other kids that the scars from scratching

the eczema were actually heroin. That's that I was injecting myself with heroin. So they convinced the other kids that I was doing heroin. What the fuck? That's what was going on for me, Caleb. That's crazy. Yeah, my situation was better. It was tough sometimes

with fat, but never did anyone think I was a heroin addict. Jesus Christ, kids suck. Tough with fat, because people will make fun of you for being fat, you're saying? Oh, yeah, tough with fat. Oh, yeah. Fat was my big issue.

Even gay kind of went under the radar. Fat was the big one. Fat is a kid. If you're a fat kid, best of luck. I just, every time I see a fat kid, I'm like, hey. I hope someone's giving you perspective, brother, because it's not,

now's not your window, but someday you might be all right. I just see a little fat kid and I go, hang in there, pal. I don't know what to tell you. You better, you better, You better find a skill. Be able to sing or something.

Football was helpful because fat was, fat was, they were very happy about fat at football. You were alignment, I assume? Yes, but outside of football, they were not thrilled with fat. Were you good at football? Oh, very good. Really? I was very good at football.

That fucking rules. Yeah, I was very good. I had to get knee surgery when I was 15. That's why I stopped playing. Oh, would you, if you, like, you would have kept playing forever? I think so. Until some injury. I think I would have stayed in the closet and played as long as I could have.

It was, it was a place where I felt very powerful. Because you were good at it. What position did you play specifically? I played right guard. And then I played different positions on the defensive line whenever they needed me. It went to a small school.

So it just depended on who was around and who wasn't. But yeah, I would have definitely kept playing. It was a place that I felt like strong and powerful. That's awesome. It was cool. But it wasn't like,

I wasn't like mean enough and like tough enough to be like the guys that were really idolized like chances laughing because he knows what I mean. The linemen that were like really idolized were the guys who were like disgusting, like they were like,

wanted to hurt people. Yeah, totally. I never wanted to hurt anybody. I just liked winning, you know? Yeah, well, you want, as an offensive line, it's like, I'm just here to protect my guy. Yeah. I was like, oh, I just want to, I want to win the objective.

I want to, like, win the game. But these guys, the guys who, like, really got respected as linemen, they want to fucking kick your ass. They were in the wait room being like, I'm going to fucking kill somebody. It was like violent, weird, like, strange energy. Yeah, totally. I was always trying to get a joke off. They were always like, all right, as long as you block.

My body's made of stones. That kind of thing. It was weird. It was weird. I never took weight training seriously, obviously. I'm strong, but I was never focused up. Are we still in the gym? Ever?

Not in the gym right now. I'm thinking about getting back, but I am still very strong, Michael. I can't lie to you. I love that. Yeah. And when you say, how do you know that you're very strong?

Come on. Take a little feel. Come on there. Don't be scared. Woo! Yeah. And that's just nature? People don't know.

That's nature. People don't know. There's no. You gotta be, we gotta be curling something. No, no, brother, no, no. You're just, you're just descended from a line. You know, I'm a hearty Midwestern stock, and I can get back in the game at any moment.

And the fact that I don't... That's like Promethean. Yeah, you should see what these legs can do. You know, I can't really get into it right now. I'm here to talk about you. Do you want, should we, do you want to wrestle? Do I want to wrestle you? Yeah, you could wrestle if you want.

Do you know, if we wrestled, I feel, I think, that you would do better than I think. I would say my number one tactic would be trying to escape a lot. Quick. Yeah. Speed, yeah, you're gonna run over there, and turn around, throwing stuff in front of you. I'm officially just trying, I'm doing this a lot.

Missing you as you run underneath. You said you had a knee thing, I'm gonna try and exploit that in some way, quick change, quick change of direction. If anyone listening ever finds themselves in a physical altercation with me, go for the right knee. It's my weakest thing. That's the way to go. You can still, if you put your finger here and I bend my leg,

you can still feel it pop from the surgery. Yeah, go for the knee. Can I zag to a separate subject for a second? I wish you would. Okay. I just lick my lips and there was something on my lip, like a piece of food or something, and I drew it into my mouth.

And my question is, was it there the entire time? So, like, what level of friendship do we have with the people in this room? So I don't know. Have I had a thing here the whole time? They should say something to you, but let me tell you something. Okay. I've done an entire, Michael, I've done an entire episode of this show.

With food on your face. chocolate, like, smeared on my face. And no one, none of these people said anything to you? Multiple people paid very well. Paid more than their asking rate. Every single person in this room. You want, we'll plus that. We'll go over that.

I say, we'll pay you more because we want to do the right thing. Because we trust you. Don't tell me chocolate all over my face. That is crazy. The clip comes out. I go, hey, so there's chocolate smeared across my face, like the fucking kid from Matilda. And you guys didn't bother to say one single thing.

I'm telling you, if that is on my lip, it has to be CGIed out. Something has to be done. You have to put, you have to AI, does AI do that? Yeah. Can Claude do that? We're using AI all the time on our guest's physical appearances on this show. I don't like AI. I'm anti, I'm anti-I.

If Claude can do that, I want it. I'm anti-AI right until I have something on my lip. That's where I draw the line. That's where we have to get into it. Something is on my lip, you can anthropic, right? That's a company. They can just zoop that out. Yeah, Sam Altman can come in personally and touch up my lip if he needs to.

Who is, wait, Sam Altman's one. Who is this person? I'm going to say a name. You tell me if this is somebody. Okay. Sam Bankman-Fried. What's that? That is a person.

Okay. And I do not remember what he is notable for it. Wonderful. And we'll just, we can edit that out of the episode, take it away. No, it'll come up. Chance is going to Google it for us now. Okay. Chance Sam Bankman-Fried.

Is it a bad guy? Is it an evil man? Is it a crypto guy. Okay. Crypto guy. Yuck. Oh, sorry. Oh, fuck.

My God. Honestly, what I'm looking at to me, is that's like roughly me and fifth grade. Oh, God. Oh, he's a convicted fraudster. Oh, convicted fraudster. God, you didn't have a choice. Look at that mug.

Commonly known as SBF. I don't think the look is good. And when you're that rich, you should be doing something with it. Well, he, what do he, he, uh, he forfeited $11 billion. Yeah, you shouldn't have. Oh, the financier Anthony Scaramucci.

He's always at the scene of the crime. The mooch. Scaramucci's always at the scene of the crime. Love Scaramucci. Leave me out of this. That's one of my personal. Heroes. Scaremoji?

Yeah. You know, the first Trump administration was a lot of fun in that he hired a bunch of people that he knew seemingly nothing about. Absolutely. And then treated them like dog shit. Fired them publicly and humiliated them. And then they all were like, I think he's a bad guy.

And the second time around, he has not made that mistake. He has only hired the dumbest, most loyal fucking idiots in the world. Yes, lap dogs up and down. Carolyn Levitt, that stupid bitch. She'll just, she'll go up there every day and be like, I think what the president meant was. And she will never get fired. Yes, it's all, every person is a decoder ring in that way.

Like he says whatever and they're like, okay, so what that actually means is. And it's like, no, I can see the words. I read it. Yeah. It felt like first, first Trump felt like everyone, all his supporters were mad that it's like, they're not letting him do what he wants. Right.

And now he's doing what he wants and they're all like, uh, oh. Yeah, now they're having like Trump rewards. Whoopsie ditties. Like, okay, maybe, maybe next time we don't vote for him. They will. They will. They absolutely will. I don't know if I can keep standing for this.

They will. Yeah, my farm has been burned to the ground. Well, let's try it a third time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What happens to your farm, by the way? My farm? Do you have a farm anywhere? I don't have a farm.

Do you wish? Do you have a farm? No. Oh. But I kind of am one of those guys that once won. You will, I could see you having a farm. Do you want like a fuck showbiz ranch? I am ready to be out of the business.

I'm ready if I could afford to, um, two. Yeah. I can't. I can't. So forget it. I'm going to be in the business. I got a mortgage, so I'll be in. This is the only thing I know how to do.

So I'm going to be in the biz. Writing sloppy jokes for fucking whomever. But I would love to move to Kansas or someplace. Have a pool and just chill. That would be fucking awesome. Yeah, it's beautiful over there. I can't recommend it enough. I don't have a farm.

I have a house. Yeah. It's fine. I'm not good with animals. No? Like I don't mind them, but I'm not good like, I don't want to touch one. You know what I mean?

It doesn't feel like a farm is. for me. Yeah, farm might not be for you. This farm, has animals, right? I'm thinking moo-moo here. I'm thinking EI-E-I-O. Totally have animals.

But by the way, most of these people, most of the people that are doing like a show business farm, they're not touching the animals either. They've got higher to help to do the animals. They like maybe ride a horse.

And what is a show business farm? Fuck showbiz farm. You know this. Oh, I got you. I thought in my mind, you said show business farm and I imagine you're just like growing like a Jeff Brooks to the ground.

Oh, this is like when a famous person goes and gets a ranch. Yeah, yeah. I'm a rancher now and we're like, you're wearing jeans on a ranch. You're not a rancher. That's fuck show business farm. Yeah, I got you. I like that.

I would, if I could afford to do that, there's so many things I would do if I could afford to do them. But that's, so ranch for sure. You know, I think one of the things, so many people, not just show business people, but so many people that live in cities in general, last couple of years have been like, ugh, I just want to move to the woods. And I'm like, no, you don't. No, you don't. You wouldn't do well out there. Not the woods. You wouldn't do well in the woods.

No, I would do horribly in the woods. You'd be so bored. Bugs. That's kind of it. Spotty Wi-Fi. Yeah. No cell service. I think, but enforced spotty Wi-Fi for me, I think would be helpful.

I would sleep more if I didn't have the internet. For sure. You couldn't watch the second SportsCenter. No, sports center's on the TV. I don't need the internet for that. That's horrible. I was hoping maybe you were streaming this. But you're on the internet late at night.

Come on, let's be honest. Am I on the internet late at night? Sometimes, but usually it's like responding to people's Instagram stories. I'm not doom scrolling. I don't have. TikTok on my phone. And I feel like that when I did have TikTok on my phone, that was troubling.

Oh, you know what I have that is, I think maybe the most pathetic version of this? Tell me. Is I have a video game called Clash Royale. You know what this is? No. Well, it's me and a bunch of 11-year-olds. And there's no way to,

no point even trying to explain you this game. What are you doing on there? I'm playing a game where I'm defending my three, my two towers and my castle. Yeah. Against the other guy's towers and his castle. Yeah. And I'm sending my little minions over.

there to try and... To blow up his stuff? To blow up his stuff. And are you succeeding? I would say most of the time I'm succeeding. Were you playing children? I'm definitely playing kids. And they're like little emoticons, not emoticons, emojis or whatever that they can respond

to you with. And these kids are really mean. What are they saying to you? They don't say anything. It's just like a king cackling at you as his little characters destroy your tower. Oh my God. Yeah, it's pretty bad. I wish I hadn't brought this up.

That's horrible. Let's cut this out too. No, I think we'll keep this. Why are you on there? Because I started doing it and then you like... How'd you find it? My son. My son was doing it, so that's normal.

Okay, yeah. So my son was doing it and then I started playing him in it. And then he's like, I'm going to bed because it's 11 p.m. I'm like, oh, let me just play 6 to 700 more games of this. And now I'm playing Clash Royale with a Korean nine-year-old who's kicking my ass. I'm like, I got to go to bed. Destroying you. Absolutely crushing.

You got her way to go to work. Yeah. I have to take my daughter to school in the morning. I'm sleeping in late because I'm like, just give daddy five more minutes. I played Clash Royal until 3 a.m. Are you telling your kids stuff like that? I tell them, yeah, I think so.

Are you guys being really honest? Pretty real with them. I mean, you know, yeah, pretty honest. There's some stuff you can't, but almost everything. What are you keeping from them? How do you decide when to lie and when to be honest? Are you ever lying about small stuff just to make your life easier?

I don't. I try not to, but I probably am. Yeah. I don't think so. More like, you know, if like my wife and I have a, have a disagreement and my kids like, what's that about? I'm not even lying. I'm just like, I'm not going to tell you.

Well, the truth is I'm not going to tell you. That's not for you. Yeah. So I think there's some things that I try to keep like, these are the adult things. And I'm not trying to bring those things into your world. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. But anything, if I have a feeling about something or a thought about something, I pretty

much tell them. Yeah. Because I'm trying to encourage that in them, especially in, and my son, because I just feel like that's a thing that dudes tend to not do. Like, I think you're sort of socialized to keep everything in there. You know what I mean?

And that's, I think that's bad. Yeah. You think it's bad. I think it's really good. I really want you... Bottle it up. That's your book. I want your son to keep things in.

Yeah. I do not want to see boys expressing themselves. At all. Ever. Ever. Yeah. Lock it. Lock it.

Lock it up. Push it down. Yes. So, yeah, I'm trying to, like, you know, let him have his feelings. encourage him to express them. Yeah. Do you feel like you got that?

Me? Yeah. No, not really. No? I mean, like, I was encouraged to participate in artistic things, ballet, piano, theater. Yeah. But like two, I definitely remember at one point I broke up with a girlfriend of a long time in high school. And I was crying and my mom was like, come on.

No. Yeah. Yeah. She's Filipino also. So there's a little like cultural there also of like, we have it here too. of men have to be a particular way. So me crying about my girlfriend was not cool.

Yeah. Have you guys talked about that in adulthood? Me and my mom? Yeah. No. I think if we did, she would deny it. My mom is a...

Oh, come on. Me? My mom is a full fabricator. Like, I don't even think... I don't even think she intends to do it. I think it's a spontaneous, uncontrollable thing where she should just, like, say some stuff. And you're like, that's...

100% not true. Yeah. Like we'll be out to dinner with my family. Extended family. This happened. My mom turns to my dad's brother and goes, you know,

Michael is so close with us. He tells us all about his sex life. I'm like, why would you say that? Do you? No, never. I never would. I never have. What could have possessed you

to say that sentence? Yeah. But just like something, there's just like something flips and she's like, I'm going to say something crazy right now. She's bored at dinner. She's like,

I'm about to lie. Period. This is tedious. I'm about to say something crazy. Well, I'm bored. Who wants to hear a lie? Anyway, truth's been pretty boring. Anybody want to hear a fabrication, a falsehood?

That's exactly. That is what's happening. That fucking rocks. It's very interesting. I love it. It's very fun. See, but you're robbing your kids of that because you're doing this like humble, honest thing with them.

You should be lying in front of them. You're right. Give them stories. Make up more shit. Your kids are going to be too well adjusted. Yeah. I mean, I think I was growing up because of the bullying very much a liar. I would just like make shit up about like, I can't even tell you what it was, but always made me feel bad, you know, because you're pretending.

Yeah. Do you what I'm talking about? When you're lying, you feel bad? Is that what you're asking me? Do I know about that? I'm asking if you have the, if you could relate to the feeling of having like a, well, like a pretend, like a full persona that I kind of made up because I was trying to escape. but the thing that I actually was. Ah, and you're asking,

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them the truth. Yeah. Do you know what I'm talking about? Totally. Totally. Okay. So you're done mocking me for having Felix. Totally. Totally. No, I'm, I'm, you said, you said, I lie and then I feel bad. Do you know what I mean? And I was like, and I was like, what this feels like some sort of, this was like some sort of morality test that I'm meant to fail. Like, you're like, you're like, I felt bad for hurting people. You understand? Please walk with me on this. Please try to understand.

Can you imagine? Can you imagine? So, sorry, you're a sociopath. You wouldn't get this. He, no, totally. I've lied so many times. I also used to steal. Steal like what?

Oh, I loved stealing. I would steal anything. But like, what, a horse? What do you mean anything? If I could steal a horse, I would have stolen a fucking horse. What, this horse? No, I'm riding off on a horse you didn't have before? My horse.

I go, this is my horse. This is my horse. This is my horse that I brought that I came in with, the horse I came in on. No, I would steal from anybody. I would steal change. I would steal hats. I would steal little trinkets. I would steal anything I could get my little hands on.

I also still stuff. I stole shoplifting. I would steal, choose your own adventure books. That's the thing that I stole while I was supposed to be in ballet class. I would go around the corner to the bookstore and then just shove my pants full of of adventure. How many are you getting in there? Just a shock full of books.

Not your sweats. And then I got caught by the guy. And he was like, I'm going to call your parents. Give me your parents' phone number. And I said, please, please don't do that. And then he didn't call them. So my parents will find out about that right now. Oh, my God.

What a nice guy. Very nice guy. Why do you think he took pity on you? Do you have any understanding of that? I assumed I was sobbing. Yeah, were you? Probably. I don't remember.

It's also so funny. Like, as a kid, you don't really know what's fully available to you. You know, like if an adult were to say to a kid, hey, I'm going to call your parents. give me your parents' phone number. The kid can 100% just go, no, fuck you, and walk away. Yes, absolutely. But kids don't know that they can do that.

So they just, like, stand there terrified, like, fucking 1, 8, 7, like, they just give the number. Yeah, exactly. It's like, you don't have to do that. I'll dial it for you almost. Kids don't know how often you can just say no to somebody. Fuck off. It's crazy.

I think about that all the time. Sometimes I get mad. This is crazy. People will receive this as crazy because it is crazy what I'm about to say. Sometimes I will think of times as a kid that I let someone tell me what to do, and I will get mad. And I'll go, I should have told them no. Such as, please give us a specific example.

Like, I'll think about, like, a teacher being like, Caleb, go sit over there, you're talking too much. And I, as an adult, go, I should have told her to fuck off. What do you mean? I'm sitting right here. I'm not going over there. I'm going to keep talking. You interrupted me. You fucking get out of my face.

You keep talking about biology or whatever. I'm talking to Steve. What are you talking about? I finished my work. Do better, give me harder work. I'm going to stay right here. And I get mad. I go, he should have known better.

See, I feel like my kids are pretty good. Like, they're very self-possess. I don't know if it's from growing up in Brooklyn or whatever, but I do feel that they would, eh, I feel like they would have the wherewithal to be like, I'd rather not do that. How old are your kids?

16. Crazy. 13. Crazy. Old. Whoa. Too old. I don't like it.

Like, I mean, they're, I love them so much, though they're the best. Yeah. But I just don't like them. I don't like that they continue to age. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy.

Yeah. A lot of the time I will be sitting with them, looking at pictures of them. Yeah. And they'll be talking to me, and I'll be like, actually, stop. I'm looking at you. Yeah. I'm actually enjoying you where you were supposed to be.

Yeah. You're supposed to be this. Don't be, don't be this, what you are. Yeah. Well, just because my son is going to, he's going to leave. He's going to go to college. You think so? I don't want that.

Fuck. Yeah. You could probably keep him in the house if you started doing some really strategic stuff now. Like, tricking him about stuff? You've got two years to sabotage his chances at college. Basically. If you want to keep him around, that's the way things are. You've got two years with him.

You've got like five with the daughter. Yeah. What do you think is a good trap? Like get him arrested for something? Or what are you thinking? I think, yeah, totally. Getting him arrested for something could be huge. Then you run the risk of him going to jail.

Okay, so I don't want that probably. That's also a way for me. Yeah. Maybe a viral video of him doing something problematic. Yeah. If you could get him to dress up in a costume, he has no business being in for Halloween, maybe, those pictures of it. If I could, maybe this is another place for AI where I could, does AI do stuff like that?

Yeah. Could AI make him put him in a weird costume? Put him in a headdress he shouldn't be wearing. Yeah, I'm sure. Kabuki, um, dress. I'm sure it could. Uh, that's one way to go. But then there is the chance that maybe you'll want him to be able to leave the house someday.

Yeah, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. So you don't want to do something so permanent. Okay. Hmm, this is good to pitch on this, though. You could start, you or your wife could start pretending to be quite sick. Oh, that's good. And then whenever you're ready for him to leave the house, you can be like, oh, I'm fine now. Yeah.

I'm actually. fine. In like five or six years when you guys are actually sick of him being in the house, you're like, oh, we're better. Yeah. Yeah. He's been like changing my bedpan for six years. Yeah. But you guys are hanging out, playing Clash Royale or whatever the fuck. He's like, 23, being like, sorry, my dad's sick. He wants to play Clash Royale. I can't come out tonight. Yeah, I can't take any classes or leave the home at all. Sorry, I can't come out at all ever. My dad's sick. Yeah. If I don't play NBA 2K with my dad, he has seizures.

No, he'll start seizing for real guys. I've seen it. Wait, is this bad? I do, like, force my son to play NBA 2K with me. Like, force him. He'll be like, I don't want to. I want to do homework. I'm like, well.

Too bad. Yeah, well, because I said so. No, that's the point of having kids. Yes, I agree with that. That's totally the point of having kids. Do you want to have kids? I do. Okay.

Yeah, I do. How many kids? What kind of kids? What kind of kids? I'll take any kinds. Whatever they'll sell me, you know? Whatever they got? Whatever's left on the money.

market. How many do I want? I think I would love like three. Three kids. That would be great. Kind of a classic. Three would be great. Are you of three? Are you of what? No, I'm technically of two, but it was very complicated, but I was a lot of times I was the only kid in the house. So three would be cool. Yeah. I definitely don't want just one. I'm of three. Three, three, three, good.

Three cool for you? Three cool. We have two, and I'm not having, I'm not having, I had my penis broke. Yeah? Yeah. I went and got a vasectomy, I said, and kill it. Cut that shit off. Break that fucker. Yeah. Punch it. You know, they can reverse that.

What's that? No, not what they did to me. No, sir, brother. I made sure they couldn't. No. I said, you go out there, you get a gun, you come back. Do the irrevocable one. Yeah.

Yeah. Nice. I want to do some crimes down there. Yeah. And they did. And they did. And it still hurts to this day, but it's worth it. Damn, I hate to hear that, brother.

No, the idea of just, it's really, it's the economy, buddy. It's the economy. If I have one more kid, the stress of how much it costs, I would go straight through. You got both eyes switching. Both eyes switching, my butthole twitches. Everything's twitching like crazy. Bad news. I would sprint full speed out the window.

Crash, boom, done, it's over. Even if there wasn't a window, I would Kool-Aid man through the wall. Yeah, and end up on the road. I can't support another child. I can't. I just can't do it. Okay, don't have a third. Okay, thank you.

Yeah. Thank you for saying that. You knew I was going to keep pushing and you sent me straight and that's fine. I met your wife. She's wonderful. I would love to see you guys have a third kid, but I understand. Stop saying that.

Don't say that. Cut that out. Zoop. I use claw for that. Cut that out. Oh, that's so funny. Well, fuck. Okay, I guess you'll just have the two then.

Do you know what your kids have any idea what they want to do? My son has been dabbling. He's been dabbling in, law stuff. He spent a week with the Brooklyn DA's office. And he is going today to meet, I think to watch court proceedings with some judge. So he's kind of

into that, but it's really a dabble. Like he went to the court to watch a Brooklyn DA and there was some Hispanic guy who was pleading guilty to something. And the judge was saying to this guy, you know, by pleading guilty you wave your right to all these rights that you wave.

And Truman, as my son's name, came home and he was like, dude, it was fucking sad. as hell. Yeah. It's like, so maybe then you don't want to, maybe this is not exactly the thing you want to do. Or maybe you could be, maybe you could be protecting this guy.

Yeah. But I think there is sort of like a TV version of the law and a movie version that's very glamorous. And then there's like actual real practical law shit that is pretty bleak. Yeah. So I don't know. Damn.

I would be happy. He loves sports. I'd be happy for him to find some kind of a sports job. I bet you would. You want him to watch. watching SportsCenter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're like, get a job at Sports Center.

See if they'll give old dad a tour. I bet you get to take someone around the office every once in a while. Maybe you bring in old dad. Yeah, hey, give Pah Chance. Maybe you can play one-on-one with Charles Barkley. I can sit behind the desk, right? Nobody cares.

Yeah, no one cares. I get a picture. Turn the camera on and see what happens. Your poor son just wants to be a lawyer so bad No, come on My dad forced me to do sports Run the old school stat sheet Get in with the nets

And then my daughter just got into LaGuardia The LaGuardia School for the performing arts Whoa, what kind of arts? What kind of performing? Drama, she brings the drama She's an actress Whoa And so, and that's like the public school system

I don't know what you know about this Or how much you want to know I want to know a lot. Public high school in New York City is like a whole fucked up system that is bad, but probably better than any other system that they could have devised

because there's a billion people and there's only like so many good schools. You have a lottery number. And her, the lottery number starts with zero zero. That's the best one you can get. It's a long thing, but starts to zero zero. Her started with E. E. You understand?

We're not even in the numbers anymore. We graduated to alphabet. Yeah. And she's like an incredible student. So that sucks. So she had to do a bunch of things to try and get into other schools. So she auditioned for LaGuardia and she got in, which is great. Nice.

It's a good school. Nice. It's a really good school from what I hear. But also, I mean, not just for the acting, also for the reading and the writing and the plus and the minusing. If she's talented, who cares? Yeah, I guess that's true. If you're not talented, learn how to read. But if you're talented, who cares?

Just fuck it. Who cares? Yeah, they'll say it in your ear and you say it out loud. Hello? Yeah, forget reading. I just feel if you're talented, you, those things don't apply to you. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I don't know if I want to.

to be an actress, so much, so much of the external validation, you know what I mean? Yeah. You don't have that. You have, you validate internally. You seem pure and wise. I don't think that I'm pure. Okay. I think there's a shot at wise. Okay. I might be wise on some days. Okay. I feel, yeah, I feel

pretty, uh, I feel pretty internally validated. I think, I think I know what I've done better bad. Yeah. Do you not have that? Yeah, I'm okay. I mean, I'm physically, uh, disaster, but mentally I think okay. Physically disaster. So the ankles and the knees are a problem.

Ancles and knees are a problem. I'm playing basketball as much as possible because I love it. Yeah. Is there any part of your brain that goes to tick and clock on the basketball stuff? Every injury I have in my life,

like a real injury, is from playing basketball. I have hurt my knee, torn something in my knee, sprained my ankles really badly. I have over both of my eyelids, I've burst both of my eyelids from getting head-budded playing basketball. A lot of bad stuff.

But I, I, there's, I love it so much. Is there anything like that for you? Like was football ever like that? No, I would say maybe like in terms of like, things I love doing like that. I love going on a long walk.

I like riding bikes. But it's nothing competitive. Like if I hear a basketball, if I would hear a basketball in the hall right now, after this is over, I would go and try and find where that is and be like, B'I'll play. Yeah.

And I'm wearing this. I love that. If I'm at a wedding and I'm dressed in a full suit and I can see like outside of the wedding, outside of the grounds, there's a basketball game happening over there. Yeah. I'm like, I bet if I stepped out, I could play with them for like 10, 15 minutes. Yeah.

I love it. I love that for you so much. There's like, there's no, it's so nothing matters. It's just us. It's where we're symbiotic. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I don't think I do, but it's a really beautiful feeling that I wish I had about something.

I don't know anything about what you, I don't know your opinion on fracking or whatever. I'm just like, we, you and I are one. We're part of this organism that is playing this thing. right now. Yeah. It's like music kind of. It's beautiful. Am I high? What am I talking about? You're not high at all. You're describing a beautiful love of sport.

But it's like that. It's like, you know, if you're ever in a band, it's just like, what the fuck are we even doing? This is all nonsense, but I love it. 100%. I feel, I wish you were saying this on a different podcast because I know there are podcasts out there where a bunch of straight guys would be in the comments being like,

he fucking nailed it. Like, that's how I feel. Unfortunately, there are going to be some lesbians that listen to this, that are going to be able to understand. New York Liberty. New York Liberty. The New York Liberty. They're going to listen. Okay, that's sports and that's women.

Yeah. That's women playing sports. Women, I love that, Caleb. I guess you didn't think women could play sports, did you? That's what you're always saying. I still don't play. I do not believe women can play sports. Wait, I have to ask you something.

What is so true to you? Oh, right. Okay. What is so true to me? This is like a take. Oh, sure. Is this enough of a take? you have to say

we're splitting the check before we order. You have to say that at the top. Whoa. You can't say it at the end. Whoa. Because I don't drink. Yeah.

So when I go out and we have dinner, you're drinking. You're having two glasses of the Sauvignon Blanc. Caleb isn't, but yeah, the other person with you.

Okay, so that's, this is 40 bucks and I'm paying for half of yours. Yeah. No way, buddy. I'm throwing another steak in there. I'm taking a to-go steak. Yeah.

And you're paying for that. Yeah. I like this. I'm actually really mad now. I wish we hadn't started talking about this. I'm kind of pissed off as well. Who brought this up? Was it you?

It was me. It's fucked up. Fucking people putting too much alcohol on the bill. You tell them. Yeah. It's just not right. Yeah. Or just splitting the check.

Also, if you're rich, if you 5X, my income, you're paying for it. Now this is kind of where I'm at. We're not split. We're either paying for what we got or you're paying for all of it. Those are two options. If you're, if you are so clearly the richest person at the table, you have an obligation to. obligation to pay. Sorry. All this is on you.

You just do. Yeah. And it's fine. What do you care? What do you care? You have so much money. Pay for it. That's how I feel. I don't care how many people are sitting at the table. If you know in your heart that you could drop $700 on the check and it wouldn't really affect your week, you have a responsibility to do it. Legal issue. This is my, this is our platform.

We should run co-president. Yeah. Of the country. You can be president. I'll be vice. You sure? You take it. I feel like it. Okay. You're more palatable. You'd be the main guy. I'll run. I'll be like Dick Cheney. doing secret crazy weird shit. Operating me like a marionette. Hand up my butt, maybe even doing this kind of thing.

Yes. We got to be careful with my busted penis. I'll be careful with your busted dick, knees, and ankles. Hopefully everything's cool in the anal cavity so I can get up there and work around. Oh, I'm doing, I'm doing, have you done colonoscopy yet? No, I'm 31. Buddy, I've done three. Yeah?

And those suckers rule. Really? It's the best. The prep's not great, but it's not as bad as they say. You piss shit for a day. Yeah. Or you shit piss. But then the colonoscopy they give you propofal.

Have you ever? No, I would you? It's the stuff that, and it takes you out, out. You are in a deep sleep. You're on an astral plane. You're gone. You know, like, you don't sleep enough. Yeah.

You are gone, brother. Michael Jackson, I think, died from it, so you got to be careful, obviously. But when you do it, you're like, I get it. Yeah. I get why that happened. And then what do they do to you? They put a camera up your butthole, and they zoom it around in there, and they take pictures of everything. Why does that rock for you?

You don't even know what's happening. It's the sleep. Oh, you're excited about the sleep. It's the sleep. It's the best sleep you ever get. You really don't get sleep. I'll do it all. I'll ship piss and I'll have the camera up my ass.

I just want this. What I like, I guess, is propofal, not colonoscopy. Yeah, I was going to say, I don't think the actual procedure was doing anything for you. You're like, I love it. I thought you were going to tell me you had like some euphoric feeling afterwards or something. Absolutely not. No, it's just a really good nap. It's worth it.

The copay, everything. Pay the money. You should have it done. I would just say do it. Yeah. Just go get one. Yeah. Okay.

I might. I might. What's the other thing you're supposed to have? Colonoscopy? Oh, prostate exam. Prostate. I don't think I've had that. colonoscopy? Do they do that? I don't know, but if you haven't, I really would like for you to get one.

Okay. You're feeling like that's going to be a problem for me? I would be concerned if you've never had a prostate exam and I'd like for you to get one. Have you had one? No, but I think really after a certain age, you're supposed to be doing it. You're really supposed to be doing it. This is what, this whole thing has been a conspiracy to get me to get a prostate exam and to call me old. Is that what it is? No, you're quite young, but I do think there's an age where you're supposed to be getting them regularly. Okay. A lot of things. There are a lot of things I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not doing it. I think that's one of them. I think that's one of them. I think I think honestly what I would love to do is hospital day. Once a year, I'd love to just be like, hey, stick a thing up my ass, the camera, do the check the prostate, run all the blood test. Put me in the big scanner that scans for every type of cancer. Yeah. MRIs. Yeah, yeah. I'll just come in all day. And then I don't want to hear from you guys for a while. Yeah. I'm not really doing the things that are like super necessary all the time. I'm doing more like, I'm like eating monoxidil. Do you know what I mean? I'm doing stuff that's like periphery. Yeah. I'm not doing things for a much.

my health as much as I should be. Well, I think that you're fine. I think you're fine. Okay, thank you. You seem fine. That's what I need. I think don't worry about any of it. An unexamined health situation is often better. The best. That's what they always say. Yeah. Don't think about it. And if something comes up, fuck it. We'll ball when we need to ball. I love that idea. Yeah. And that's real, that's real talk. Yeah. That's basketball because that's, that's B ball. Fuck it. Ball. Yeah. Et cetera. Beautiful. Do you worry about, do you, what do you worry about?

Do you worry about anything? I worry about. Oh, God, what do I worry about? I worry about losing my hair. Really? I worry about that. Is that happening? It is happening. We're getting some...

The forehead is encroaching. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's zipping up there. Yeah. Thought about going to Turkey? What's that? You thought about going to Turkey?

I was just with... God, what's his name? Gus Constantelt... You don't know. I believe you. Yeah, I don't know. I did a thing for local news here before this. And the comedian who was on after me...

had gone to Turkey. Whoa. No complaints. Said he loved it. And it looks straight. He looks straight. Gus. His name is Gus.

His hair looks incredible. I've seen one guy. I know one guy who went to Turkey. I know four who it didn't really look good and I think it was a waste of their time of money. I know one guy who looks amazing. Was he fully bald when he went? No. Interesting.

But I worry about the hairline. I feel like the top I feel like what you could get to look good. I worry that the hairline is going to look fucking crazy. It's going to look like a, like, you know, like a horror movie. I think when my time comes, I'll lose my hair for sure. You say that now. I think when my time comes, no, no, I don't think I'm going to, I don't think I'm going to, I don't think I'm going with this.

Oh, okay. No way, I'm not one of those idiots. Yeah. I think I'll just, um, when it's like very obvious, it needs to go. Yeah. I'll just shave it all off, completely bald, and start wearing male hair units. A system. And changing, I'll wear a system.

I'll wear, I'll get really good men's wigs and wear different one every week. Change them up. Oh my God. I love that. Yeah, I think that's how I'll go. You know, he talks about systems. all the time is Asher Perlman. You know our friend Ashreperman. Is Asher

wearing systems? He's not, but he talks about it all the time. He's so handsome. He's a gorgeous bald man. His baldness is working for him. Google him, guys. He's hot. He's handsome guys. But he is always talking about throwing a system up there. And it's really funny. Unfortunately, bald works so well for him. I think it would be, it would be horrible to see him in a unit. But I'd like to maybe see what I could do with some wigs. When I go baldwin, it ultimately happens. And I'm, again, I am eating fistfuls of monocidil. doing everything I can to stop it,

it's going to look bad on me because my eyebrows are kind of thin already, so I am going to look like I have an illness. It's going to look like I have some kind of a rare, maybe rickets, which I still don't know what it is. You still know what it is, but it might be what you have. Yeah. I, yeah, bald will not be good for me.

I can tell you that right now. I could kind of see it. No, sir. I will not look good with bald. I did have a goatee this morning. This morning you had one? Well, I had a bunch of facial hair. Chance saw me last night.

I hadn't shaved in a while as my little rebellion against having had to shave for every day for weeks. And then this morning when I shaved, I shaved it into a goatee and I said, you know what? Much like every man who's ever shaved. I wish to God you had kept that. You know, I have a picture. Yes, please. Would you like to see a picture? Please.

I won't show it to the audience. I'll only show it to you. Please show it. They need to see it. They can't see it, but I'll let them see your reaction to it. I'm going to like it. There's no way I won't like it. This is me with a goateeatee. I don't think you're going to recognize this guy. There's no way I won't like it. I'm shirtless out of the shower. Okay, well, that's...

Try not to get turned on. There's a lot. There's a lot going on. I cannot wait to see this. I am obsessed with that guy. You have to. Don't you love him? You have to do it.

Don't you kind of love him? You have to do that. You have, at least for one episode of this, you're not... Oh, you did angles. I did angles. That's incredible. That one gives kind of, like, frustrated restaurant manager. Exactly.

And I really like that. That's what I was going for. It's a good guy. Like, it's a manager that you don't like the other managers. This manager you like and you disappointed him. And that's the face he did. You upset him. You know Paul Nose showed again.

He should have fired you the last time. Yeah, it's like, you got one more chance. Yeah. But really, come on. I don't want to fire you. He's a good guy. His name's Gil. Yeah.

You should some days be Gil on this podcast. You think so? I think so. Coming with a goate. Yeah. I have been doing, I've been doing kind of like mustache-ish, but also like the Asian of me doesn't really want it to be full. You're Asian.

I'm half Filipino, for God's sake. I didn't realize. You don't have a team that does this before I get here. They don't bring up anybody's race. I've asked them to. Okay. I said, don't bring up anybody's race. I'm half Filipino.

I know that I'm playing with you. Oh, this is fuck up. Could you imagine? Your facial hair is great. Really? You've got great facial hair. I really like the way it frames your face. It's very handsome.

That's nice of you to say. I also, um, have we been going for five hours? Do you need to leave? Is this over? This doesn't been recording at all? Oh, no.

We've just had an hour. I wanted to say that sometimes it's patchy because the eczema comes also with something alopecia Ariata. You ever get this? No. Oh, buddy, that's where you're just a little patch where the hair doesn't grow. So then I go to a dermatologist and he shoots hair juice into my face so it grows. It's like, it's a steroid, basically. But I will have like perfect, like a perfect circle where there's no hair.

It's so perfect that it'll look like I shaved a circle into my facial hair. that we can't have that. That can't stand. That's a different guy. So then my guy, Dr. Wildman, goes and shoots some hair juice in there and then it grows back. Yeah, that's beautiful. Thank you. Thank you for your doctor and shout out to him as well.

Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Wild Cornell, that's my guy. All the cameras. What's that? I have a game for you. Okay, I love that. I love games.

Why did it flip over? I had to get to the game. Oh, so, but what was on the other side? I can't tell you that. Okay. We run a very serious show here. As you saw when you walked in. Yes, yes, yes.

I think you walked in, Chance immediately kicked over a coffee like Homer Simpson. And then I turned, oh! And he's in there, like, wiping it up. I was like, great. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said is true or false. First one's true. And if you get 10 or more correct, okay.

Going to give you 50 U.S. dollars. Cash? Yeah. Really? Yeah, you ready? Is it a 50 or is it 220 to 10? It's more of a digital wire. I'm not going to lie to you.

So I said cash and you just, that's not true. I didn't think you were going to keep going. I didn't think you were going to call my bluff really. Okay. Do you have my routing and stuff? Yes. I don't think you do. We do.

Okay. We have the same management. You ready? Yep. Denver Colorado is in the Pacific Standard Time Zone. False. False. Mountain Time.

Alien versus Predator was nominated for Best Makeup at the Oscars. True. False. Fuck. The human heart has. Fuck! The human heart has four chambers. True.

True. True. Butterflies taste with their wings. What did you say? Butterflies taste with their wings. False. It's their feet. What? I know. Spider-Man turned off the dark. Spider-Man turned off the dark ran for less than a year on Broadway. True. False three years. Fuck you.

Reeve Carney, Julie Tammar. Of course it's more than a year. Stupid, idiot. Fugnium is the lightest chemical element. What? Helium is the lightest chemical element. False. False. False, it's hydrogen. Yes.

The Statue of Liberty holds her torch in her right hand. Oh, God. Right hand. I'm going to say false. True. Fuck you. Are you kidding me? Oh, it's the book.

It's the book. I hate this fucking thing. It's the book. Go ahead. All even numbers are divisible by two. Yes, true. All planets in our solar system have at least one moon. False.

True? False. What's your answer? All planets. Okay, is Pluto a planet? Are we counting Pluto's a planet? All planets in our solar system? I'm gonna say true. Fuck it, true. It's false. Fuck you!

No! Connecticut's motto is he who transplanted all still sustains. Fuck you, no false. True. No! I'm from Connecticut. He who transplanted still still... What? He just made it up. Pineapples grow on trees.

Fucking true. False. Where do they grow? In the ground? I need more time. This is one of the worst. Penguins have knees. Penguins have knees false.

True. Peter Griffin's mother's name is Thelma. True. Okay, fine. The Nile River flows southward. True. False northward. Fucking ass.

The founder of Jollybee is still alive. True. True. Let's go. How do you do? Seven. Bullshit. What you did on that one was fucked up.

You asking if I have your wiring information before that performance is so true legend. Oh my God, that was terrible. I'm so sorry. It's fine. I'm so sorry about that. How you feel? Honestly, I feel good. I feel like maybe I might need a colonoscopy just to relax.

Yeah, just to chill out. Yeah. Just to get a nap. Just to reset. Yeah. We get the drugs that killed Michael Jackson so I can chill out this afternoon. Well, do you want to tell people where they can find you What they should be looking out for?

How they can support you? You can find me. I'm at Cruise Kane on Instagram. My special just came out on Dropout. It's called Sorry for Your Loss. It's fucking, it's so fucking good. It's so good. You should watch it.

You should watch it. And yeah, just come by my house and say hi. Yeah. That's beautiful. Yeah. Where your two children live. Yeah, come by. Absolutely just come by knocking the door.

Come on in. Yeah. Give me a little kiss. Yeah. Just as friends. A friend kiss. That's beautiful. A handshake.

a kiss. This was a gorgeous episode. Thank you. Thank you for doing it. You're gorgeous. Do you want to plug anything? Yeah, you guys can find me at Caleb says things on everything. My rearway post. You can check out my HBO special. It came out last year. It's phenomenal. If it doesn't get nominated for Emmy, I'll be shocked. Oh yeah. I want to be nominated. Can I be nominated for that too? Can you say that? You should nominate,

sorry for your loss for an Emmy. And I'll, if I get nominated, I'll say, I'm not doing without Caleb. Yeah, I will too. I'm not doing it. I'll do the same thing. I'm not coming. Yeah, me too. great. Cool. Deal.