So True with Caleb Hearon - Niles Abston Loves Being Left Alone

Episode Date: November 28, 2024

Happy Thanksgiving! Today’s guest is the hilarious Niles Abston! Caleb and Niles talk everything from Family Guy, life on film and TV sets, writing for Dave, wrestlers moving into acting, marriage, and much more! Subscribe to our YouTube channel for full video episodes! Join our Patreon for an exclusive extended interview with Niles and other bonus content!   Follow Niles! @thenilesabstonshowFollow the show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud For thousands of unique gifts & 15% off your first order, visit UncommonGoods.com/sotrue About Headgum: Headgum is an LA & NY-based podcast network creating premium podcasts with the funniest, most engaging voices in comedy to achieve one goal: Making our audience and ourselves laugh. Listen to our shows at https://www.headgum.com. » SUBSCRIBE to Headgum: https://www.youtube.com/c/HeadGum?sub_confirmation=1  » FOLLOW us on Twitter: http://twitter.com/headgum  » FOLLOW us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/headgum/ » FOLLOW us on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum So True is a Headgum podcast, created and hosted by Caleb Hearon. The show is produced by Chance Nichols with Associate Producer Allie Kahan and Executive Producer Emma Foley. So True is engineered by Casey Donahue and engineered and edited by Nicole Lyons. Kaiti Moos is our VP of Content at Headgum. Thanks to Luke Rogers for our show art and our social media manager Virginia Muller.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Male loneliness. I love, leave me alone, please. I have a PlayStation, a nice condo. I got Postmates. I don't want to see none of y'all. It's great. I think you are maybe what they're talking about though.

Really? You're sitting in the house playing video games, but is anyone coming over or anything? No. Niles, how you doing, brother? I'm doing great. Okay. over anything? No. Niles, how you doing brother? I'm doing great. I don't understand lighting. You know I spent a whole day once googling lighting. Yeah. Do you know what I was like I was googling like how to light things.

Right. Because you know we like to make things. Exactly. You'd be on set and you're like wait this is why you have to do it. Okay. And I'm curious I'm like why is there one beside me? Right. You know because you think you would want me lit from the front, but there has to be one beside you that comes from a different angle. I read a lot about key lighting came up. I didn't retain a lot of it. No. It's not for me. It's not. But I have a lot of respect for people who do all the stuff on set that I'm too stupid to do. You gotta have them. You ever just on a set and go, there are 300 million people working on this. Yes. And every one of them has a specific job. It's kind of beautiful.

When I was on set on my Dave episode, that's how it was. I went and, like, thanked the ladies that did set design, because, like, my episode was the Met Gala. And I was like, if y'all didn't make this actually look like the Met Gala, it doesn't matter how funny the dialogue is. Right. Everyone's like,

this doesn't look like the Met Gala. But, like, people were like, did y'all fly out to New York to shoot that? I was like let's go. Let's go! But like in one scene you can clearly see an LA bus drive behind Jack Harlow right in the episode but like if you don't you aren't there you don't know that. Yeah we're not gonna worry about that. Yeah. How'd you start writing for that show? Little Dicky saw my um my first stand-up special on YouTube really yeah damn that actually happened Yeah, but it was two years after the fact right okay. Yeah, two years after the fact they were looking for writers

He had saw it on YouTube And so they had just they hit CAA up, and I just got a random call one day It was like yeah, they want to interview you for the job, and I'd literally I literally just moved to New York I had packed up all my shit moved to New York. I had packed up all my shit, moved to New York. I was like, fuck TV, I'm just doing standup TV stupid. And then two weeks later I get this call, hey this TV show you actually watch wants you to write for it.

And then yeah, I had the first interview and I was dating this girl out there too. And I was like, I think I'm gonna get this job because I don't ever get jobs and they were just too nice to me. What happened with the girl? We don't. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I was just in New York, so I just saw her, but we're not. You traded her in for a writing job. That's what she says. That's crazy. That's crazy. She hates Lil' Nicky. Yeah, queen, honestly, respect.

She's like, fuck that man in his career. She said he ruined her love life. Yeah, I love her. Bring her back. You need to quit running around in these streets. She actually thinks you're hilarious because you remember we taped. No, I really love her.

We taped on Comedy Central for the first, on the same night she was there at the show. She was like, Caleb's so funny. I was like, shut up. You need to get back together with this. She got a good head on her shoulders. Don't lose this one. She could not see this podcast.

Don't lose this woman. She could not see this. A good woman's worth a million writing jobs. She could not see this podcast. Don't lose this woman. She could not see this. A good woman's worth a million writing jobs. We're not rolling at all. We are cutting all of this from the show. Because I was willing to not be on her side. And then when I found out her taste, her taste in comedy, this is a good woman. She has good comedy taste.

I'll give her that. Wait, so was that your first writing job ever? First TV writing job, yeah. How was it for you? It was so fun. It was so fun. Because it's just like, so TV nerds know who this guy is, but like the general public won't. But Jeff Schaeffer co-created Dave with Lil Dicky. And so like, you know, Jeff Schaeffer, he ran Curb with Larry.

Literally Curb is just him and Larry writing the show back and forth Like he told me during the pandemic Larry would just facetime him and they were right the show Yeah, I guess she's crazy and then like he created the league with his wife Which I think is like one of the funniest shows ever even if you don't like football So like just getting to like learn from him every day was crazy And you're just sitting at a table next to a guy that like phone would start buzzing you see Larry David pop up on the phone Yeah, you're like where like I'm here right now this is great like this dude rode out on Seinfeld right out of high school right out of

college you know I don't want to get a call from Larry David who knows he's gonna be probably the craziest thing he's funny but he'd be an annoying ass friend yes just somebody cut me off it did well shut up you get yeah I could only imagine like Larry's probably one of those people he calls you and you just go like yeah you know those people you have to prepare to answer the phone I can only imagine. Larry's probably one of those people, he calls you and you just go. Like, you know those people you have to prepare to answer the phone? I can tell you, if I was friends with Larry David, I guarantee you five times a phone call or more,

I'd say, yeah, that's crazy, man. That's fucking crazy. That's crazy. Anyway. Anyway. All right, I'm gonna let you go. All right, man. Yeah, well, hey, I hope you all figure that out.

Yeah, people in the grocery store, everything's crazy. Yeah, I hate when that chair's wobbly, I hope you all figure that out. Right. Yeah, people in the grocery store are, everything's crazy. Yeah, I hate when that chair's wobbly. I get it. I get it. That's how you know that dude is hilarious, man. He made a whole show of just like rich white dude problems. And it worked.

And it worked. And it worked, yeah. Because he's being truthful. That shit really ruins his day. Yeah. Like, that's so funny to me. Like, that shit really ruins that guy's day when something's just a little off. Well, he can never be wrong.

He can't. I think, you know, I think about Larry David in that show often, because he, there's a lot of things they do on that show that like, you know, some dumb ass right winger would be like, you could never get away with this today. Right, right, right. Shows currently in production. And it's because I think, I joke about stuff all the time that you would think I wouldn't be allowed to joke about. Exactly. And it's because I think I joke about stuff all the time that you would think I wouldn't be allowed to joke about. But it's like people

know the intent. The intent and the good writing and the performance. Right. A lot of right wingers just say slurs and they're like, huh. Who's your favorite right wing comic right now? Be honest. You had to pick one above all the rest. I had to pick one favorite right wing comic. Yeah. Favorite favorite favorite of like, comics that are doing the like, oh, woke liberals, killed comedy. Who would you pick? Who's your fighter? Oh, man. I don't know. I'm taking Chappelle. Probably.

I'm taking Chappelle. He's a new right-wing comedian. I'm taking Chappelle. I'd have to say him. I'd take Chappelle, bro. That shit is crazy. He really does that shit. He's really in that now damn Yeah, we lost one. We lost a good one You know you talk about those guys online a lot all the time cuz it's just like dude. They'll be like

They'll do this thing where they're like you can't say anything and they're saying it to 30,000 people saying everything Like I'm just like what actually what actually can't you say you everything, you're on a podcast every week that gets 20 million downloads. Like what are we talking about? And you've got compounds. You own so much property, you're actively saying things. They are making so much money. And honestly, I get it. If you can trick millions of people to think you're still an underdog after making millions of dollars for saying funnies. Yeah. I gotta hand it to you. That's Donald Trump's whole bad. Literally. He's like they're being mean to me it's like you're a very longtime famous rich guy. He was in Home Alone. That's the pinnacle of his power. He's been talked about like every rap song. I'm just like you've had a great life my dog. What are you talking about?

He blew it cuz he could have died in icon. He really could have he could have just been a Kind of racist fucked up old rich guy that everyone was like he's rich. Yeah, and they were people were digging it. I It blows my because they just kind of came out of nowhere Yeah, cuz it started with the Obama thing Yeah, for I guess they were certificate. Yeah, the birth certificate thing and I was like that that's what we gonna do. Yeah And he became president It's also it worked. I don't know like it worked It's crazy that that's how far he had to go to lose liberals like you in the Central Park five thing liberals

We're still like we'll put him on TV, right? You know, right, but then the birth certificate then they're like, okay now it's too much It's like well now he's president. You already lost. He's literally president. Yeah, the Simpsons told us it was gonna happen Listen, do you are you Simpsons fan? I see it every now that I have a friend It's like he watches it like every day. I see I'm not one of those. I'm not one of those I respect it, but I'm not more of a family guy. Yeah, that's see that's yeah Yeah, let's go. That's me and you we're family. That's all right. I think that's our generation right yeah, yeah It's the it's the same premise, but it was made ten years later. You know yeah, and it's like Yeah, I don't really care about Homer like wanting to strangle his kid or whatever no

You know he's like he's like. No. You know, he's like, he's like, barf, barf, barf, you know? I like that Peter, I like that Peter will literally shoot one of his kids. Yes. You know? It's amazing. He'll do anything. They would sell Meg into slavery if it would make a good episode, they would do that shit. They would do that to Meg.

And it gets disrespected a lot on the show. She does. I feel bad for her sometimes. I do feel bad for Meg. Yeah. Because she really does have a pure heart. She does. Yeah. She does. I think Chris does too in a way. Yeah, but Let's go through the characters. Okay. Okay, ranking the Family Guy characters by pure and not pure of heart. Yeah. Now I- I think obviously Stewie's evil. Yeah, Stewie and Quagagmire the worst ones. Yeah, you think quagmire? Oh my god Dude, I mean like I went back to like a early season

He had this thing where like it feels fucked up to even talk about it I feel like my career is gonna be over by bringing up what quagmire did But they wrote the shit and put it on television for my young ass. But there's like a thing, a girl comes over to Quagmire's place and like a thing sprays her in the face and knocks her out and then bends her over. And I'm just like, Niles, why would you bring that up? I know. I was watching it like I need to change the channel.

I need to put on like TBN or something. Yeah. He's definitely not pure of heart No that quagmire. I just the fact that they put that on TV. It's just good for them I guess oh, yeah, I mean whatever they have to do. I guess I have to do I am my the show evolved. I'm glad I am glad family guy got away from the like Dress the world will be mine Stewie thing, like the world revenge with the ray gun shit. It's fun now.

I like that they made him more of like a gay little, like they just make Stewie gay every other episode. It's fucking. He's. It's funny. It's funny watching a little gay baby walk around with a dog. Yeah.

It scratches an itch for me. What can I say? I love it. I love little gay Baby and his dog. Oh my God, that's so funny. Wait, so, okay, so you write for Dave, and well, you made, so I messaged you a while back and said, you keep talking about this short film you made,

I need to see it, and you sent it to me, and it was so good. Thank you, man. Did you just have a premiere for that or something? Yeah, we did a screening at the Bushwick Film Festival in New York and I need a Honda Yeah for 90 and Honda and then this weekend. It'll be at the Montclair Film Festival, which I can't go to cuz my sister's getting married I'm so happy. Oh my god for her where she get married back in Mississippi damn

So while she had to do it this weekend, so while I'm gonna be on the big screen with I think a Nora's screening there Denzel produced a movie that's in it Seriously Ronan's in a movie like we're in this huge face like a top 50 festival in the world Yeah, and we're in this shit and I can't go cuz my sister's so happy skip Skip your sister's right. Yes. Give your sister's wedding. I tried like I Have not RSVP. Yeah I'm trying to book. I'm trying to keep my family on their toes. Yeah, don't want them know. I cancel flights all the time. Absolutely So I'm just like I was like give me a reason to fly to New Jersey on Friday

Yeah, I will do it. One person have a bad attitude. I swear to God. One person in the group text misbehaved. Because I get there late Friday night if one person gives me attitude in that family. I'm flying to New Jersey in the morning. I'm going. send me a picture I love that for you. Yeah, well you should get married Mississippi. Is she older? No, she's younger younger Oh, I'm already preparing for all those. So what are you gonna when you get some money? How about that? Yeah. Yeah Family be trying to do all that it doesn't we you should try being gay. They give up on it quickly. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, they once you're gay They're just like I guess he's never gonna like it really everyone the kids thing doesn't really come up that much except for my mom

She's yeah, but she's built different My mom is a super hero when it comes to being able to do mom shit She'll find a way, but yeah the marriage stuff doesn't come up anymore. I think they just assume I'm like not really yeah That's good. My gay cousin got married and had a baby. So like now they're even they're like, well, she did it What's wrong with you cut this? That's really funny Niles cut that Yeah, that's crazy cut that Thank you for saying that mark the note chance we're cutting that

That's crazy. My bad. That's crazy. It's just Niles going, my gay cousin had a baby, cut too. So Niles. Damn, so lesbian with a wife and a baby. They're beautiful. Man, they're letting people do anything now. Yeah. My lesbian cousin, the truth, bro, she a truck driver. Oh my God. Yeah, dawg. Butch? Oh yeah. Right. I mean, the truth, bro. She a truck driver. Oh my God. Yeah, dog.

Butch? Oh yeah. Right. You have to ask. She was a hooper in high school. She would dunk and shit. Now she a truck driver. Got a beautiful wife and a baby. Does she have a stud name? No.

She goes by her brother? Well, I guess. I don't want to say her name on here, but. Right, right, right, right, right, right. But she kinda does. She has a nickname to her name that I was like, oh, a dude could go by that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Niles, that's a stud name. I love that for her. Do they live in Mississippi? No, they live in California. Oh nice. Yeah, they live out here. Nice. Not LA? No, I got family in the Inland Empire. That's where my dad's from.

Oh nice. Yeah, so like the Pomona, Monrovia area, like it's about an hour outside of here. There's a Sonic out there. That's why I go out there. There's a Sonic Monrovia. You were for real. You're real. You're real. You're real Every time I go visit family. I hit a Sonic on the way back Yeah, or if I like cuz you have to go through the IE to get to Vegas. Yeah, I always stop at a Sonic There's a Sonic in Monrovia. Yep. It's a Lana Del Rey song. There's a Sonic in Monrovia It does sound like it. And guess what? It's not good. They're not doing quality at the Monrovia Sonic in my opinion. Not anymore I hope they see this cuz I went I drove all the way out there cuz I was like I'm craving Sonic today I got like that. It's like that sometimes you need that cherry limeade in your life

You do and guess what the cherry wasn't right the limeade wasn't right the corn dog made me sick No, it was bad at the Monrovia Sonic. I got I was we we came back from Vegas About a month ago, and I stopped at the one in Fontana yeah, and I was just like, I needed this. It hit. Yeah. God. There's something about a restaurant like Waffle House. Right. For me is like, you really understand the movie White Castle when they road trip. Absolutely. It's like, yeah, I would do that with White Castle. No, and I hope we don't get a Waffle House out here. Yeah. The people in this godless city don't deserve one. I think that's right

Yeah, I think that's right. They would they would abuse they would abuse it It would not be right and I don't I don't think we got the people strong enough to work there now The combat skill you know out here gonna break up fights at three in the morning right between seven people That's what I'm saying all of whom don't know each other. It looks like what's the game? Super Smash Bros. Uh huh. It's crazy. Choose your fighter.

People are throwing fucking banana peels and shit. Ooh. Slipping each other up. I see somebody get a cigarette to the eye in a Waffle House. That doesn't surprise me one bit. And I know when it hit his eye, he was like, this nigga now you're supposed to be smoking in here. Like how did that?

Do you know what my Waffle House secret is? What's that? Their grilled chicken sandwich. Yup. And that face is exactly why you're not on. You're not on to the grilled chicken sandwich because people, there's a culture of fear around trying the grilled chicken sandwich at Waffle House. Guess what?

It's fucking amazing. What? The grill, Niles, the grilled chicken sandwich at Waffle House. I'm gonna go. People are, you think, oh, I want my chocolate chip waffles. I want my country ham I want my my all my hash browns smothered and whatever all great Get a grilled chicken sandwich go with a friend okay cut that grilled chicken sandwich down the middle Okay, each of you take the first bite at the same time and see if your eyes don't light up. It's fire It's amazing all right. I'm gonna go this weekend. Have y'all had the grilled chicken sandwich from Waffle House?

You know, Chance. It's good. Yeah, it's really good. All right, I'm going to go. Where are you going to go? Oh, you're going to go to Speakin' because you're going to be in Mississippi. No, I'm going to be in Mississippi.

If everyone behaves. If everybody behaves. Yeah. I will go to that film festival. I will go. If everyone's on their best behavior, I'm going to the wedding. Let me get not on a tangent about Waffle House chicken sandwiches.

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If I haven't been there in a while, yeah But like, you know, I'm trying to figure out like what my thing is to get me to the point rocket do a theater Cuz like I'm on my third hour now. I want people to actually like see it. Yeah, you know, so yeah I'm trying to figure out what to do with that But then also I'm developing a lot of like my own stuff like the way that with the film. We're trying to find some Partners to try to make that into a feature and I have this TV show I'm developing it with a like nice sized producer, so I'm excited about that Yeah, where you guys have you written the script and stuff already uh for the show. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's written

I'm hype. We're trying to get this really good director that I like attached to it. So like, you know, fingers crossed, but I have high hopes for it. I'm excited. Nice. Hell yeah.

So there's the show. Can you say what it's about or it's kind of secret? Yeah, I mean, it's a show set in Mississippi. Nice. And so yeah, I'm, if it all works out, like I talked to Cam Patterson about it. I want him to play my cousin Yeah, I just think we'd be super funny. He's so funny. He's ridiculous

We both from the south and stupid so, you know So yeah, it'd be it'd be a show about me and my cousin in Mississippi And so yeah, it would be really a really good time and I think it'd be fun I want to make like an it's always sunny type show. Yeah, it's like that was like my show growing up It's always sunny workaholics Broad City Like I want to make something in that vein. Yeah, like a hangout buddy comedy kind of thing. Exactly. So yeah, we're working on that. It's crazy how like when you find a producer that actually likes black people, things are kind of easy.

Because like I've been trying to make this show for like four years. It's like no shame to the other people I was working with, but I just don't think they knew any black person that wasn't a millionaire already Yeah, like they like if you meet your first black person in Hollywood and they're famous more famous than you You don't know black people. You don't you know understand? Yeah, and so it's just like I feel like they had good intentions and they liked the idea of the show But they just didn't really get the vibe where's like this producer is a black woman who's worked in Hollywood for a while and she's been on some dope TV shows, made a TV show of her own, that type of thing.

So she got it like that, read the pilot, and she didn't give me any notes, and I love that. Yeah, past producers were white people. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's hard, I mean, anything that's outside of, I think so many white people are just scared to even like, just scared to even talk about black people.

Yeah, they whisper. They're like, and what would happen in your community? Yeah. You know, it's like a fear that's like, actually that feels so racist. It is. It feels so weird. Why are you whispering Beyonce's name?

She's not gonna, She's not gonna hear you, but like when white people talk about Beyonce. Yeah. I'm like, dude, calm down. But that's how it was. I felt like they were like either they were like walking on eggshells, or they just straight up just didn't get it.

Yeah. And so that was like the problem. But now it is dope to have somebody to like seize it for what it is, knows exactly what I'm trying to do. And it's like, all right, let's make it happen now. Yeah. So I'm really hype about it. And I think I'm in a place now that like,

like I pitched my first TV show Five years ago, and I had like a huge star as the EP of it. And so I'm thinking like oh shit I'm Lena Dunham. I'm about to go crazy Five I'm about to sell a TV show and we pitched to like seven different networks They all loved it and they didn't know always love it. I always love it Yeah, and they nobody bought it and And it really tore me up, man. I didn't write anything for a year. Like, I couldn't.

It didn't make any sense to me. I was like, but everybody loved it. What was the problem? But I think now I have this maturity of, if it doesn't work out, then I will. I got my other stuff I'm doing. I do think it'll work out, but if it doesn't, I'm fine. It also is, unfortunately, never fun to actually sit with this when it's you or when it's us

But it's like it is rarely personal. It is rare It's like I was just talking to a casting director about this yesterday where it's like We were just having a general meeting and like, you know, it just is like yeah There's there's eight hundred talented people who could do this She was you know, she was like it was really really funny because she does casting for like a huge network. And she was like, she was like, yeah, I mean, I've had like really talented people get turned down because they reminded a producer of their ex.

Like it just, you just don't. It's so true. And like, it took me a long time. I probably didn't really understand that till like a year and a half ago when I was producing and casting like my short. And like, I'm having to get all these moving parts. So like, I put up about a third of the money,

and then we crowdfunded for the rest. And like, there's all these people you gotta make happy, that you go through a casting company to cast these people, and you roll rolls for certain people, and that type of thing. And it's just kind of like, you can't make everyone happy. And there's some people that I would have liked to have in the film, but it just didn't work out.

It's not, I don't think they're not good. It just, it didn't work out for that. And we were shooting it in Massachusetts, so maybe it would take a lot of money to get this person out there So I need to cast out of New York for this instead of LA. So it's just like I was like, oh, okay These people don't hate me. Yeah, just it just sometimes it just doesn't work out Well, and this that's the thing is being on the other side of it like you have and like I have a couple times You're looking at a matrix of

500 different things that need to happen. Yes. And this character, yeah, my friend might be great for it in one way, but if we could get this thing to, if we could get this character to achieve three things that we need, like we need someone a little older, we need someone whatever, then like, yeah, it's just, it really isn't personal. It's like, I'm looking at a matrix of 500 things that need to happen and you might just not slot in anywhere perfectly.

It's not that you're not great. It's just like, I don't,'t it's not we don't have something for you. Yeah it just it just you take so much rejection in this business that like it like after a while it's just like well goddamn is anything gonna work? Yeah but I think you just eventually just got everybody just builds up a callous to it like now like there's some stuff like I'll get the audition it's like I'm not gonna get that I just don't do it. Yeah. I say no. I say no all the time.

I don't audition for a lot of stuff because I'm a writer snob. Like I'm a writing snob. Yeah. And so like I'll read the scene and like, this is garbage. Well, so much of what gets made is bad. Yeah. I'll read some of these scripts that I get sent.

And same thing, I'll pass on. Yeah. I'll pass on things all the time without auditioning, even though I want to be acting, because I'm like, well, this script is horrible. Yeah. If this got made, I wouldn't want to actually be in this. And I think a lot of comics who are actors think like that I

feel like actors don't really think like that. A lot don't I mean because it's a privilege to think like that like I mean if your only job is acting and you need to pay the bill sure you'll go do yeah insert name of show I almost said. I think we almost said the same one. Yeah yeah yeah. But yeah I was thinking about that other day I think we almost said the same one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I was thinking about that other day. I think actors are really bad at picking scripts or it's just like they just got to do what they got to do. Dude, I feel bad for anybody right now who only does one thing. Yes. If you're only an actor right now or only a writer, I don't know how you're making a living. Yeah. Like there's so few things going on. I'm like,

the only thing that has helped me to get by the last several years and like actually do well is that I do seven things. Yeah. So I can be over here. I can be over here. No, that's true I don't think that's fair. I don't think it should have I don't think people should have to do seven things No, you definitely should you didn't used to have to do that Staff writers on modern family used to own multiple houses, man, you know Like that was one of the things I hated the most being on day was them talking about all the money they used to make the most being on Dave was them talking about all the money they used to make. Right back in the day. Because like if they're at the EP, like if you're an EP level writer, short

runner, you're making a lot of money. Yeah. But they were telling me like the money they would make is like story editors and staff writers like, oh, like there are a lot of, uh, cause a lot of the writers on Dave, they worked on New Girl and, uh, it's Always Sunny and they were like, oh yeah, we were like story editors. We were like buying houses. Yeah. I was like, okay. Well fuck you first off

Yeah 22 episodes plus a script or two. Yeah, and those extra scripts are what I 30 40,000 back then I'm imagining so you got your script fees on top of your weekly fees You're in a union so you got all your health like yeah, she has to be very sweet I got an email in the I got email the other day saying I got qualified for like motion picture health care. Yeah. And I was like this should not be something I should be excited about. Yeah. That's terrible. I qualified for health insurance in the field I work in. Well you see people all the time now on Twitter being like hey can someone just put me as like a two-line speaking

part. Please. I have a kid and we're about to lose our health insurance. Let me whisper something. Truly. Let me whisper Beyonce in the spotlight. I just need healthcare. Yeah, absolutely. Oh my god. No, it's nuts. I'm very lucky to have a job right now. Like I do realize that. Anybody. Some people with the worst jobs in entertainment are telling me I'm grateful. I'm going you're grateful. I've seen what you do. It's not good. It's really tough, you know? People who are working really, really hard at jobs that they would have been trying to move on from by now are like, I'm just fucking great. There's some money coming in.

Yeah, because full stop, I was a staff writer on Dave. And so with that credit and with what my episode did, it was a Hollywood Reporter Top 10 episode of TV that year. Just saying, just saying. I shouldn't have had to be a staff writer again. But it was just like, this was the job that was offered. There's like no other comedy writing jobs right now. So what was I supposed to say?

Well, I'm not supposed to be a staff writer, so I'm not taking this. So I took the job. You know what I'm saying? So it is what it is, but I definitely would like to be a level up. It would be great. I love to level up.

It's one of my favorite things. More buddy. We have a voicemail from our listeners. Oh shit. If you don't mind. Do I need to put these on? Yeah, or hold it up if you don't want to put them all the way on. It'll help you hear it. Alright.

Okay Casey, what do we have? Hey Diva, I was just wondering which company you want to see go bankrupt so Spirit Halloween can move in and give their building some real purpose. I feel like I betray my fellow Caucasian queers when I say I would like Trader Joe's to be a host for Spirit Halloween to reside in. Just feel like that's the right move. Thank you so much and I love you and I love your podcast and I love everything that you do similar to a cult follower. Alright, love ya. The girls are long-winded. Yeah. the girls are long-winded, but the question ultimately is what what company do you want to see go bankrupt first?

Ooh, oh, I got mine. I got mine too. You go ahead chase bank. Fuck you Bitch ass nigga all them fucking All them fees we broke. Uh-huh. How you charging me for not having money? What else? Dude! Tell them. And then, a lot of people don't know this, I'm about to air y'all out. JP Morgan, Chase, the reason how they got their money, they did slave insurance.

Tell them now. They used to give slave masters insurance. Like they sold insurance to slave masters on their slaves and that's how they got the money to start their bank. Fuck Chase, what'd they do to you? I know they did something. Them fees bro. You overdrafted. Oh yeah. All the time.

Yeah and they're hitting you with a fee every time? That's crazy. $35 for being broke is crazy. It is crazy. Overdraft fees are psychotic. So. You're going to charge me because I don't have money? I can't pay you. I don't have money. Yeah. I just feel like if you can't beat me in a fight, you can't do that. Yeah. And I've seen the people that are tellers at Chase. Y'all can't fight. Well, they can't even work. Don't get me started I went I went into chase the other day. I'm sorry. I have had it. I've also had it with chase

It's not my pick but I go in there. There's seven people working. They direct me to a self-serve kiosk, pardon Pardon the self-serve kiosk. Uh-uh. I'm like, this is crazy. I wouldn't have a little conversation And then we had a lollipops no more. No, it's fucked up. It's fucked up The self-serve kiosk uh-uh I'm like this is crazy. I wouldn't have a little conversation I don't even have the lollipops no more. No, it's fucked up. It's fucked up. Yeah, so fuck you fuck chase I'm with it. I do I think I do a lot of banking with y'all though Thank you for your service for holding my money for me my pick Elon Musk's whole deal. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'd like to see him. I'd like to see him

Oh, man, I want to see him him. I'd like to see him. Oh man. I want to see him lose I would love to see Tesla go bankrupt I mean, he's already lost cuz he's like an irredeemable fucking dork every time he jumps He loses a little more but like I do want to see him broke There's one person in the whole country that I want to see unhoused and it's Elon Musk. It would be beautiful Nah, him homeless would be great. I'd like to see him as one of my unhoused neighbors for sure And I'd like to I'd like to make sure that he really feels it. I do, yeah, fuck that guy.

His little jumps are so gay, too. Quit with the little jumps. Quit with the little jumps. Why is he jumping? Why is he jumping? I hate Elon Musk, bro. I don't, can anyone tell me what's with the little jumps? Autism? I've met autistic people that don't jump.

I've met some cool autistic people and they're not acting that. I like that. Yeah. A company to go bankrupt. Chase is a good one. Elon Musk's whole deal is a good one. Hell yeah. I wonder if I have any other companies I hate.

Probably most of them. I guess like BP Oil. Yeah. Straight up. Abercrombie and Fitch. Just because of what they did to me in middle school what they do Well, everyone was wearing it and they didn't have my size So I got I have beef with Abercrombie and Fitch and Hollister I've never wore those you didn't see I didn't either well Okay, so it was a double whammy because not only was I too fat to wear them

But were we to find the money we didn't have the money. It was like We were too poor and I was too fat. That's funny. Yeah, I was wearing like South Pole Uh-huh Fubu were those the cool brands at your school? Uh, there's black people was wearing it. Yeah But the cool brands at your school like was it did you go to a mostly black school? No, I went So I went to a private school really Mm-hmm, Mississippi. Yeah, I didn't even know that they had private schools in Mississippi. So there's my chance to explain this Yeah, so when I say pride people when I say private school people think I like went to the school Will and Carlton went to right right no, so private schools in Mississippi are very different

We have two very good private schools in Mississippi Jackson prep of Jackson Academy. Yeah We have two very good private schools in Mississippi Jackson prep and Jackson Academy. Yeah Every other private school in Mississippi is what you would call a segregation school where if you look at the stat when they were established they were all established from the year like 1959 to 1966 and eventually Basically, they were created so white families didn't have to put their kids in schools were black kids 100% So they're like private so they're private schools because they're private, but they cost like $200 to go to. Right.

So like you have private schools in Mississippi where they like meat in a barn, but it's a private school. Yeah. And so like the private school education isn't better. It's not like we were getting better food or like had all this. Like I didn't have a Spanish teacher in ninth grade, Caleb. Yeah. You don't know what he did in ninth grade for Spanish?

We sat in a computer lab and my football coach sat in a desk behind us and we did Rosetta Stone I was in there clicking on shapes like I was at Ellis Island, bro Not they always have the football coach doing this shit Yeah, cuz he cuz he don't care he's like, yeah, this isn't bad Yeah, but like I did not have a Spanish teacher in high school, and I went to private school Yeah, so did you go to one of the two good ones? No. No you went to one of the other wanted to so Both schools, so I was a track athlete now football player and so like both schools wanted me to come run track and play football

There yeah, and my parents are just like nah Obsessed with your parents being like no yeah, no he's chilling where he's at actually. Thank you. What position you play football I was a DB. Whoa, okay? I Didn't know that there were private schools in Mississippi because there were none where I grew up Yeah, like we did not have that's the thing. I don't understand about like Charters and stuff where I'm like, yeah, we just all go to school wherever we live exactly where I'm from, right? So I don't understand most most like rural places. That's how it is. But Mississippi is a different breed Yeah, Mississippi is a different breed. Yeah, Mississippi is a different breed

Yeah, you love Mississippi though. Um, I love how funny it made me Yeah, cuz there's as a state it just doesn't make it like we abolish slavery in 2012 Yeah, like just things about Mississippi are just like the crazy But would have preferred to see it happen sooner, you know nice, you know, but 2012 way that was 12 years ago What happened in 2012 that they were like, you know what? Obama killed Osama bin Laden. Oh really? And I think people in Mississippi were like, yeah, we should free him. People were like, you know what? Fuck it. Fuck it. If he's doing all that kind of stuff. Let's get a little crazy. Yeah That's so funny

So Mississippi and then you you grew up in Mississippi, you moved to New York. I Moved here when I was 20. You moved here first. Yeah, up Mississippi you moved to New York. I Moved here when I was 20 you moved here first. Yeah, and then you moved to New York What was that move from LA to New York like we just fed up I was just fed up Yeah, cuz I was like I had all these like movies written and these pilots written and it just like nothing was happening I I probably in 2020 and 2020 cuz I got read by CAA in 2021 so like 2020 2021 I probably had like over 30 staffing interviews with all these TV shows. Any show that calls itself a comedy, I have interviewed for that show

to write for. And I was just kind of like, well, none of these shows want to hire me. That was like every show. Then what's the point of doing this shit? And so I just moved, I just like, I'm moving to New York and I'm just going to do stand up full time. And then I got a call. And then immediately got the thing. That's how it works as soon as you give it up Yeah, that's why I think I'll sell the show cuz I low-key don't want it Yeah, cuz I kind of like the freedom of like just doing stuff Well, the nice thing about stand-up is it's like the one thing they can't take from us Exactly. So I can stand up in a room with a microphone and make people laugh. You guys cannot no industry

Calibration or pivot or whatever the fuck they're calling it every time they blow up the industry for some rich guy You can't there's nothing you can do about what I do nothing It's dope is like especially once you get like a little audience man if you're good at this shit You can really do this forever. Yeah, so yeah, it's just like I am blessed to be a stand-up comic So I do know that like once you do a TV show it takes so much away from that But well, it's a full-time job. Yeah. Yeah freedom I do think freedom is the biggest thing I think about all the time and like in terms of what I want in my life Long-term the only thing I'm certain of is I would like to be left alone anytime that I ask

Oh my god, you understand me Yeah I'm like just don't if I say if I don't want to be taught if I don't want to work for a couple months If I don't want to be talked to that's the only thing that's important to me is that I get to go I'm not doing that a lot of people don't get that which is crazy to me because I think I'm just like doesn't everybody want that Yeah, I'm like, isn't that the number one thing? No, yeah, I don't get I love being left alone. I do I want to be this male loneliness epidemic thing They're really seen this every time on the internet. Yeah, what I don't think it's real. I just think y'all don't get no hoes, but.

Secondly, male loneliness. I love, leave me alone, please. I have a PlayStation, a nice condo. I'm like, I got Postmates. I don't want to see none of y'all. It's great. I think you are maybe what they're talking about though. You're sitting in the house playing video games,

but is anyone coming over or anything? No. How you doing, brother? I'm doing great. Like I have friends and when I want to see them I go see them. I love just like being by myself for like three days straight and then somebody calling me like yo where you been at? I'm like at home. At home. Where I pay rent. Exactly. Next question. It's shit expensive. Let me spend time with this thing I spend so much money on yeah my room What do you think? What do you think? Okay, so but I agree with you. No loneliness epidemic. I have no These guys who complain about the male loneliness epidemic. I'm like what's their fault. Yeah, it's your fault and also

Oh god, how pathetic could you be exactly going on line and being like? an epidemic. It's like, Oh, I'm by myself. No, I'm lonely. It's like, oh God. And they, those would be like the most homophobic dudes. That's the thing is I'm like, you're lonely. Cause you suck.

Yeah. You listen to a bunch of Andrew Tate, you read the women. Cause I told somebody the other day, it's like, how do you expect to do all these things women don't like? And be like, why are women around me? Yeah, and it didn't come complain about it online is the funniest shit. I saw a straight guy tweet the other day I was on Twitter for my weekly punishment and I saw a straight guy tweet the other day like

Fellas the best advice I can give you in dating so you don't end up with like a woke scold woman is on the first date Just drop the R word a couple times and see how she responds Men are acting like this And I guarantee you he was like 36. Yeah, and he's a victim of the male loneliness epidemic as well It's like what are you talking about? Drop the r-word a little bit now, of course, that's kind of funny Oh, it's hilarious Now of course that's kind of funny. Oh, it's hilarious.

But! But! To suggest that as a dating tip? Yeah. And then be like, why am I lonely? It's kind of funny to be like, yeah on first dates I do the R-word litmus test. Yes, of course that's kind of funny in theory. But these are the same guys that will be like, the universe

has conspired against me to make sure that I'm lonely. Or you're a fucking loser. Yeah, man. Look, and sometimes, you also gotta have standards. I remember I was over a couple years ago, I was at this girl's crib, we were in her room, and some baby Keem was playing, and she was like, what is this? This is terrible.

And I left. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and everything. Yeah. Like you're not disrespecting Kendrick Lamar's nephew like that. Yeah. So I left. You gotta have morals and principles you stand on, kid. Yeah, and that's your big one. Yeah. You don't disrespect Baby Kim around me. Yeah, and I never would. Thank you. You know that about me. Thank you. I do, there is something going on in the culture, like losers used to be embarrassed. Well, there's no shame anymore. Yeah, nobody's scared to be a loser anymore. Shame can get you paid. Yeah. You couldn't go viral for being a loser 20 years ago. Yeah. You were like on that one episode of American Idol

where they show all the bad people. Yeah. And then that was it. Do you see the girl who, this is probably pretty dated by the time this episode comes out, but I'll say it anyway. Did you see the girl whose boyfriend asked her to move back to Texas with him?

Mm-mm. You guys see that? Where do they live currently? Well there's this girl, she made this whole TikTok video that was her sobbing into the camera. Which I have feelings about that. I hate when people cry on this thing. I do too, and you know what?

I recorded a video the other day, I was trying to make a video for this abortion rights thing in Missouri. And I got worked up enough that I started crying, tears coming out of my eyes. And you know what? I said, this is really powerful, People would really like this. I'm not fucking posting it. I'm not posting it. You know, so there are like there are like three videos of me in my phone crying about abortion rights. And I said, no post. No post. We don't need that. The static images will have to do. That's almost as bad as uh, what's her name?

Gail Gadot singing. Yes, yes. It's manipulative too I'm like I don't want you to care about this because I got worked up and mad at Republicans and started a tears came out Already care about this. I'm just reminding you to go take action go vote Yeah, but she was posting she was like she was like, oh my boyfriend We lived in LA and he went he said he wanted to yeah, let's play it. I guess we have it. We need headphones Said he wanted to yeah, let's play it. I guess we have it we need headphones Over play definitely so I see thumbnails all the time and whenever I see I just I'm like, yeah I'm not I'm not looking at so you live in LA with your boyfriend. Everything's going amazing. They're doing pottery

That's how you know. He says babe. I want to move back to Texas To be closer to my dad now mind you he says I want to move back to be closer to my dad So she gives up her career, including her improv troupe. She probably wasn't good. Look, giving up your improv troupe is not a sacrifice you're making for him. No, you wanted to quit.

That's called growing up. Right. That's someone who did improv well into his 20s. The future you want, she wants to be old with him. So yeah, basically we don't have to watch the whole thing, but basically what happens is Oh no, we're watching the whole thing. I need to see all of this. So she's so happy that they're doing Texas. He goes on family vacation without her. Wait, but.

Yes. That we have something in common. We're incompatible. He says we have nothing in common. We're incompatible. He says to her in a a note She says oh, no now. She's crying again on camera. This is the beginning of a Kristen Wiig movie I just can't remember which one yeah now mind you he does belong in prison. Yeah, this is terrible I'm not team him. Why would you put this woman through that? And then she shows the pottery picture again to be like what do you mean? We have nothing in common and she's crying on camera again Every time she cried for like two months, she got that camera out. This is so mean. You know how hard it is to get an apartment in LA?

Yeah. So she wants to come back here. She has to, she has to, now she's in Florida living with her mom. She's crying with her mom. So yeah, this is the, this, what do you think of this? What do you think of that? I mean, look, the patriarchy won. Yeah.

He's a bad guy. He's a terrible person. Yeah. He should go to jail for that, for like a little bit. We should have a type of jail. I've been saying this. We should have a type of jail that's cool, but it's like you lose a couple creature comforts. It's like time out.

It's literally time out and we should have a committee of your peers that say, yeah, man, you can't be in the streets for like a month. No, because I feel like a lot of dudes, a lot of times you need somebody you actually care about their opinion to tell you you fucking up. Yeah. And like he needs some people to be like, bro. Come on. Come on. Where's the also where's the dad in all this? He goes on vacation with the dad and we move back to be close to him. His dad was like, hand her a note. That's the other thing, like you couldn't have a real conversation with her. Well, that's the thing.

Loser losers are winning right now. Cowardice is big. That was very cowardice. It's cowardly. You blew up her entire life and now she in Florida with her mom. Yeah, no, he need to go to real prison. Okay. Forget our little jail.

Yeah, dude. Anything could happen to her out there in Florida. Yeah. I think I would say to her... A lot of meth. Don't do meth in Florida. That would be my number one thing. Number two, less crying videos in the video. Yeah, you gotta stop that baby girl.

Yeah, it's not for you. It's not projecting what we want it to project. And for him I would say, yeah, for sure a little bit of prison. A little bit of prison. Just a little bit of prison. Like six months. Yeah. I thought the other day while I was watching The Purge. Okay. This is about to get deep.

Yeah. I was watching The Purge and I was like, it would be like, you know how if you get, if the government passes something you don't like and you get like 400,000 signatures, we can send it to a vote, like a ballot item about different policies. If there's someone who really wronged you like someone who really like you think like Bernie Madoff For example there should be like if I can gain enough signatures. I get to kill that guy You know what I mean like if I can get enough people to agree that I should kill that guy I should get a chance to kill that shit only they do something egregious like Bernie Madoff like stealing money from seniors

Yeah, that's crazy. You know something like that. That's like come on But not the death but the government shouldn't get to do it the government shouldn't get to do it I know chances shaking his head like I'm talking about the death penalty not a death penalty I could get real shaky. Yeah, cuz the way white women came for John Mulaney online last year They would have got his ass. They would have got the signatures. Fuck. They would have got enough signatures Yeah, and then it would just get to a point where white ladies just kill saying? Fuck. They would have got enough signatures. Yeah. And then they would just get to a point where white ladies could just kill whoever they want.

They are going to kill me. Because white ladies, good. That was really good. White women are gathering the signatures. That one wasn't as good. I lost the juice on the second one. That was good. I would hate if he got killed.

I know. He makes me happy. Yeah, he's a good standup. Yeah. He gives a fuck about writing a joke. Dude, I was talking about the other day of the famous comedians that sell arena I saw him doing arena on Long Island uh during the New York festival a couple years ago and it was the set he did on his most recent Netflix special and I was just blown away because it's just like most

comedians that get to that level they just they phoned it in by then. Yeah. So it's like to see him like really doing punch lines and setups and jokes and really being vulnerable, which I think a lot of famous comedians don't do anymore. Yeah. Like he really was like on his last one, he was really kind of on some Richard Pryor shit. Like when Richard Pryor was talking about getting burned up when he was doing crack and everything, like John Mulaney really talking about rehab

and how he failed and like ordering the Outback, like that shit was great. Yeah, also real as fuck ordering Outback, come on. That's how I would be. If I was in a facility, I would be like, I also real as fuck ordering Outback. Come on. That's how I would be. If I was in a facility, I would, I'd be like, I should at least get some Outback. Do you know the closest I came to something like this, when I shot Jurassic, when we filmed Jurassic World,

in 2020 in COVID London. Okay. Okay, we're outside of London. We're on a fucking farm ground. Like it's all of us. Everyone has to stay in the same. Cause we're all in a bubble. We're in the bubble.

And that's what they made that movie about. Drasic. So we're all there. I'm talking like Jeff Goldblum's kids are in the room next to me. Up early being loud. And that's all I'm saying. No shade to Jeff. But your kids are up early being loud. You felt that. Yeah. Your kids are up early being loud. That's all. We're all on the same property.

And for two weeks, that was the quarantine period at the time the same property and for for two weeks That was the quarantine period the time for two I get to London for two weeks. They put me in that room They the only people I see in a day are I we can only order they come and cova test you every day You can only order food from the hotel So the little five and by the way, this is not a hotel with like a big menu This is not chicken tenders not even this was a this was a fancy place. So it was like chicken piccata, white fish. It was like a small menu. So probably when you find the one thing you like, you probably just keep eating that.

I did. Yeah, it was like a fish and a fish and like steamed vegetables thing that turned out to be the best for me. Had to order it every day. And I was, so I was during the day just quarantining, not allowed to go on a walk. I think eventually after a week you got to go on a walk by yourself at a certain place

and then walk in a circle. You can only walk in a certain area on the property. It was like the covid walking area. And then at night I was in the writer's room for human resources. I was working five to midnight in the writer's room on Zoom. I was losing. I've never come so close to like just doing something insane, like just like shaving my head or something. I was losing my mind. And I swear to God, I was sitting in that room sometimes just staring at the wall. Like I could almost see chilies,

you know, like I could almost, I could almost see a Buffalo Wild Wings server bringing a plate of wings to me. You were in London. So it's like, there's nothing to do. And I could, you couldn't, you weren't allowed to door dash. You were not, cause so it's like there's nothing to do and I could you couldn't you weren't allowed to door-dash You were not because no one could come onto the property. I also got in trouble because I didn't understand This is like my first big thing. Yeah, and I didn't understand I'll get in trouble on our first yeah I got in trouble my first when I pulled up from the you know They had me in like a they picked me up in like a suburban from the airport

And they drove me outside London to this like the estate was beautiful Uh-huh and cuz they which you know they had to put Laura Dern there so it had to be nice right they weren't doing that for me you know little lies Lord yes and so we pulled up and there's this you pull into this like down this long it used to be a royal hunting ground okay she pulled on this long beautiful driveway with like a big circle drive in front of the two main properties and like these huge fountains it's made by colonialism and the fountains are so beautiful in the sunshine and I took a little video and posted to my Instagram story. Oh yeah.

Immediate email that was like, hi! So people can tell, you're like, it was like don't blow up Jeff Goldblum's spot. His kids are being allowed in the next room. People can't know where y'all are staying. He almost doxed Jeff Goldblum. I almost got Jeff Goldblum's kids in trouble, yeah. So that was what happened. Yeah. but I was the outback thing is real I was there for 10 minutes and I was like get me something get me something Cabin fever. Yeah, and they brought they would do like grocery store runs and you could ask for I call snacks If you want to go bring me some of this out of the other but it's British snacks. So it's bullshit Oh hell no British. That's the that's that's the one people I'm xenophobic

Too and I've got a lot and I think that's okay. I've got a whole list of people I go fuck I've been meaning to say okay. Yeah, who am I xenophobic towards? I've been meaning to bring this one up You know I have a problem. I do have a problem with Like New Zealand and Australian people yeah like. Like, uh, some of- No, let's not get crazy. Some of them. No, I really- actually, I think it's just New Zealand people, uh, if I'm being serious. I don't think I've ever met one.

I like Australian people. Oh, you know what? The other night, I went to dinner in LA, and guess who I saw? Who? Melanie Linsky. How do I know that name? Niles. You don't know who Melanie Linsky is? I'm going to be knowing white people. I'm sorry. No, it's OK. I met too many early on in my life.

She's one of the whites you should know. OK. I would put her on like Hollywood Reporters, Whites You Should Know list. Really? Yeah. Melanie Linsky. Oh, Melanie Linsky. Look how beautiful she is. Oh, I know her. Melanie Linsky, everybody. I didn't know her name. Oh, my God. She's so beautiful and talented I didn't say hi to her because I could I'm gonna cry I

Didn't say hi to her because we've she followed me on Twitter We follow each other on Twitter, but I'm not really on there anymore like that, but she followed me for a long time She's the most talented actress that we maybe have living. Yeah She's on yellow jackets. She's incredible and everything she does and I wanted to say hi to her, but I didn't want to bother her. She was with her husband who's very handsome and they were they were having a dinner maybe with some friends or something. I wanted to say hi, but I didn't want to bother them. Yeah, so but Melanie Linsky. Wow. I would kill to work with you Queen. What so is she like Australian or something? Well, she's New Zealand. That's what I'm saying. She redeems that whole region.

Okay, and Margot Robbie's cool. Yeah. Well, yeah keep her Yeah, we'll keep her. She's whites. You should know. Yeah, we should make you and I should collab on an industry list called whites You should know I think we should do that. Yeah. Yeah, because you know white people are doing so bad right now That's what I'm saying. Can we help white people? What if that was my big thing I was like now is we got to do something for white people That was my big my big cause du jour now. Let, help me do something for white people. Oh my god. Well, we could do one for every group. Yeah.

Gays you should know. Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it. Lil Nas X. Lil Nas X. Definitely a gay you should know. He gotta be in there.

I'd love to know something about him. He- he- I'll tell you a couple things I'd like to know. Who's your celebrity crush? Celebrity crush? I got a few. Right. Watch your clipboard.

Gabrielle Union's number one. God! You know I met her. Fuck you. You know I met Gabrielle Union. Really? Yes. She liked one of my tweets and I'm almost like, I can't say that on here.

Now her and Dwyane Wade? Beautiful couple. God damn. Beautiful couple. That's a couple. I'm happy for him. When God did couples, this is what he was imagining. He was like my favorite basketball player growing up. And then when they got married, he had to bump him down to like six. Yeah.

Cause that pissed me off. They are so beautiful. Yeah, they're beautiful. And so progressive. And so cool. Their family is so lovely. I had a meeting with Gabrielle Union. And we talked for like, me, her, and her exec. I had we talked for like me her and her exact I think we talked for like an hour and a half. I bet she's amazing. She's so cool. She's so I Loved her forever. I mean, I'm such a huge fan of hers and she's just like the nicest warmest like most lovely

Brilliant like thoughtful. I just was like, oh my god Gabrielle Union's everything. I hope she would be that's beautiful. Yeah Does she smell good? Well, it was on the computer. Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah. It was on the computer. Okay, sue me.

It's a sad ask. I wish, yeah, I wish Dwayne Wade was there. See, we think differently, because I would not. He's so beautiful. Yeah, you don't want him there. Not if not want him there. Well, we should go, you know what, we should go to a, we should try to get in a party with them and separate them.

Yeah. I'm talking to doing in the corner. Hey Yeah, I bet I bet they're fun. I bet they're fun at a party. I bet they are damn cool Gabrielle Union, that's a good one. She's my number one since I was kid and I have to say evil on Goria Yep, cuz I used to stay I used to say with my aunt during the summers Mmm, so I would just always watch these very auntie programming. So I would watch The View and Desperate Housewives as a little boy. My dad was starting to be like, hey, all right now.

Get these kids away from these old people. So we would just watch Desperate Housewives all the time. So I just fell in love with Gabrielle Solis, her character she would play. I was like, I love this woman. You Gabrielle you what a Gabrielle Solis her characters you play. Yeah, I was like nine I was like, I love this woman. You're that you're that meme of that kid being like I'm turning seven in August God willing, right? These kids away from these I was just I was one of those kids with old people all the time So I just watched a lot of old shit. Yeah, I love that So no that those they were probably my top two. Were you an adult kid? Were you like you loved?

Yeah, I was an eight year old preacher. Yes. Oh my God, I wish I knew him. So I would preach at church. So I've like been working my entire, I'm so tired. Yeah, yeah. You've been here. I've been here. You think you've been here before?

You believe in that stuff? Absolutely. I just know too much. Yeah, I see that in you. I recognize that in you. I don't like it though. Yeah. Cause I be having to do the right thing.

Yeah, I don't like it for you either. Or when I do the wrong thing, I don't like it though. Yeah, cuz I'd be having to do the right thing Yeah, I don't like it for you. Oh and I do the wrong thing. I think about it a lot Yeah, that's I don't get like psychopaths at all like that don't bother you. Yeah, morals are very cumbersome. Yeah. Yeah I've been thinking about letting mine go Sometimes it yeah, man. You've been in LA for a long time. You should be like I should push you off a balcony Yeah, I've been thinking about getting rid of my values. Just to see what I could do. Free up some space, you know? Yeah, I mean, I'll probably see something like,

Caleb is worth $300 million, he did it. Yeah, you'll be like, he finally did it, he got rid of those values. He finally did it, and I'm gonna ask you for a job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you wanna come work for the evil empire. If it's you, I'll do it. I want an evil empire.

Chance, will you make a note of that? It looks so fun. Caleb making evil a note of that? It looks so fun Caleb make like owning Amazon looks so fun. I would do dude This is the thing about our rich people right now. They're not being cool They're rich people used to be so dope were I rich when I was a kid. No one was saying eat the rich Yeah, yeah, hang out with the you wouldn't hang out them cuz they were you know What I will say there are a lot of times that people come for Kim Kardashian and like we got to eat the rich someone just said this because She did a I think she's awesome

She did a she did a private screening of wicked at her house with Cynthia Rivo and Ariana Grande and she Spent like $200,000 on flowers to like line the walkway and did like a big I was like this is cool This is what rich people should be doing do the silliest most expensive shit But then you should be like given I just then more people every day. Yeah, she literally walk She's not gonna do that though. I would literally what if I was a billionaire I would walk up to a stranger on the street, and I would say what's your demo? I'm a cool thousand bucks a thousand. It's nothing. It's nothing nothing. I'll throw him a cool thousand bucks I would just I would just find someone's being nice to me someone smiling at me in traffic. I would throw him a cool thousand bucks. I would just find someone's being nice to me. Someone's smiling at me in traffic. I'd be like

They go to the window down. I go, what's your Venmo? Or I have cash on me. Throw it out the window. Like a Dane Chappelle sketch. Yeah, literally. It would be awesome. I don't, I don't, and my other thing is like, I think rich people have gotten soft too. Why do you care what we think? Right, you want to be normal? You're on the internet crying like why aren't y'all making fun of me? You have a billion dollars. Yeah. I should have something if have them killed literally if someone makes fun of you have them killed That's what you can literally do that. Yeah with his head Unhand me yeah The rich people are real soft and they don't buy art anymore like we need some mentors for these rich people

That's the thing is they used to do like funds for the arts and stuff to they used to find some little freak They'd go to like Brooklyn and they'd find some freak weirdo artist who was never gonna be embraced by the mainstream That was a Basquiat. Yes, and they would fund these freaks. Bro was new in heroin right in front of them I need a freak funder. Buy his painting. Yes, get his painting now. Yeah, I need a freak funder bad Literally because I could be freakier. I know I could but I gotta keep it kind of normal For my evil empire. Exactly. We need bringing back patrons the arts would be you need a freak fund Yeah, we need a we need a freak. I think did he did that. Yeah He definitely had a free he did a freak fun. Yeah, that kind of free

Freak fun. Yeah, did he not that? Okay. I got a segment for you now No, this is a game. It is a true-false segment. Okay. Okay. Now, I'm gonna read you 15 statements. Okay. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think it's true or false. Speed is of the essence. Okay. If you get 10 or more correct, Niles, I'm gonna give you 50 US dollars. Okay. For your freak fun. Spiders or insects? False. False. They're arachnids. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. True. True. Sloths can move three times faster in water than they can on land. False. False, they're arachnids. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. True. True.

Sloths can move three times faster in water than they can on land. False. True. Catfish is the official state food of Mississippi. True. False. It's the butter cookie. What?

Whoa, you're a fake Mississippian. Okay. What? The creator of peanut M&Ms was allergic to peanuts. True. True. Oral Roberts University was established in 1863. False.

False. It's 1963. A group of pugs is called a puggle false false it's a grumble only two percent of the only two percent of the population has green eyes true true a newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter false true wendy's chocolate frosty flavor is actually half chocolate and half vanilla true true carl weathers was an nfl linebacker before becoming an actor true true horizontal refreshment was a 19th century slang term for sex true it's true i need some horizontal refreshment what the playstation 2 came out after the nintendo gamecube false false before the california has more nba teams than any other state true true the first pair of nike running

shoes was made in a waffle iron true true well nice. 12! NICE! NIOS! I was going to be so mad if I didn't get that shit. Yeah. Cause I saw Sabrina got it and I was like if I don't get this shit I'm going to be mad. Sabrina Brier? Yeah. Yeah. She did. I need that 50. You did 12 is good. 12 is high. I was mad when I missed the... Was that really true on the Mississippi one? Yeah. Butter cookie? Butter cookie. What is a butter cookie? Yeah, well, you need to tap into Mississippi State history. Belzona, Mississippi is the catfish capital of the world. Mississippi catfish. That was a, that was a, yeah, Chance tried to trip you up on that one. Yeah, I'm watching you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not getting in on the freak fund. Right. Niles, you know, you know what this show's about. So true with Caleb Heron, the podcast. What's so true to you? What's so true to me? Yeah, okay?

This look I'm gonna offend some film school people with this one But I'm I'm tired of seeing these posts When somebody's like I just made my first film or I just made my first project and I just have to say it was so hard There's no bad movies bullshit, man to say it was so hard, there's no bad movies. Bullshit, man. That is not- Who said that? All these film people, dude.

I'm like, that is bullshit. Just because it was hard for you to make a short film don't mean there's no bad movies. I forget the famous director, but he goes to see every movie because he said there's something good about every movie and then like there's no bad movies because they're so hard to make.

That's crazy, bro. That is crazy. Like, no, there is bad movies, and we need to tell people they're bad so they'll leave. Yeah. And I'll just, and look, I may be cut from a different cloth, whatever, but being in this industry, writing TV,

making my own projects has made me realize, actually, this shit is not as hard as it looks and a lot of people are bad at this shit Like I watch a TV show and be like so this got through six different people they get paid all this fucking money Yeah, went through an edit. Yeah, and y'all still put this on TV, right? Whereas I made a short film with two or three of my friends and I watched them shit I was like y'all fucking shitting me right now. Yeah cut this out. Yeah, like come on now Yeah, so yeah

I just I think making stuff is not as hard as people try to make it out to be and I think y'all just aren't Good at this. Uh-huh. Go home interesting. I like the take. I like the take. I do think I do think it brush it Yeah, I agree. I do think there are objectively bad things. I do think if you're, there's a rubric that I like that's kind of like, did you achieve what you were trying to achieve? More than like, you know, I don't necessarily care about, like, did you color grade it the way

that would be industry standard and color grading or whatever. That is less interesting to me. But did you achieve what you were trying to achieve? That's the rubric I'm after. If you set out to make an Americana album that was, you know, heavy on this instrument, light on this instrument that evokes these emotions, you set out to do that, did you

do it? Did I feel what you wanted me to feel? That to me is successful. And if you didn't, then you didn't do a good job. I think that's how I feel about it. There is a lot of bad movies every year. And it needs to be said. Yeah, I don't know what's going on. There's a lot of bad movies every year. And it needs to be said.

Yeah, I don't know what's going on. And even more bad. I think most TV is bad. I think about like 75% of TV is bad. I don't watch much TV. I don't anymore. I'm like going back and watching all the old stuff like I missed.

So I'm like, I just got into like The Sopranos. Yeah. Where you at? Do you know where you're at on it? Like on the sixth episode of the Sopranos. Yeah. And then, uh. Where you at? Do you know where you're at in it? Like on the sixth episode of the first season? Yeah. Well, no.

Or whenever he takes the daughter to like visit school or whatever and he kills the dude, that was amazing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, spoiler alert if you haven't watched it. I'm really jealous of you. What, for watching it for the first time? Is that your thing?

Yes. Yeah, oh, I love Sopranos. Oh, nice. I've watched it probably four times through all the way. Hell yeah. It's so good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I'm like getting back. I'm getting that like into like the old stuff. I want to watch the wire Yeah, I just feel like a lot of TV is just like and I even some stuff like people it's so good

I'm like, well, I think just Do what the thing is trying to be was really good and it's like evoking those emotions out of you Yeah, and I think you just like nostalgia. I don't think this is actually good Yeah, so I'm not gonna say actual names of stuff. Yeah Well, you're smarter than that Yeah, I think Sopranos is just one of like the greatest TV shows we've ever made ever. Yeah And of course, I'm not holding everything to a soprano standard cuz that's not fair, right?

But do better. James Gandolfini also has a leading man. Fuck you out of that casting director. That fucking rocks. She did it. He was sick. She did it. He was so good in that.

God. He's, yeah, chance to bring a Satriale sports tour to Sopranos. Oh, is that in the show? Yeah. James Gandolfini is one of the actors, along with Philip Seymour Hoffman, that I'm like, fuck, what would we be getting from them right now? You know what I mean? Some good shit. James Gandolfini is one of the actors along with Philip Seymour Hoffman that I'm like I love Philip Seymour Hoffman Fuck, what would we be getting from them right now? You know what I mean? Philip Seymour Hoffman would be turning in, oh I can't imagine what the fuck he would be doing

He was so good. Who's your favorite? Favorite actor ever? It's probably either Samuel L. Jackson or Denzel Yeah, I mean Denzel, Jesus I'm ready for that Gliator to you see the headline Yeah, he's like I'm putting on this dress and these rings I'm going crazy Somebody said I was young thug when he was making his last album. Yeah, God, I fucking loved in cell But actually my favorite my favorite Denzel performance of all time

Because it's all the greats right? Yeah, but my favorite in cell performance of all time. It's that the greats right yeah but my favorite in cell performance of all time it's that fucking clip of him and Jamie Foxx where he's like I'm leaving here with something win and Jamie's so fun that clip to me I literally when I'm having a bad day sometimes I watch that clip. That's good. I fucking love that clip No, that interview was so cool. Cuz like you just find out like he's like a big fan of Cardi B randomly Okay, did sales a regular person. Yeah, he's also in that like old guy Killed it his whole career Like he's in that level of comfort where he just will show up to an interview wearing sweats now Yeah, like he just pops up wearing whatever he's comfortable in no no shade. Yeah, no well a

Podcast is hardly an interview with Jamie Foxx But no he will he'll show up to anything just being like this is what I'm doing now. Yeah, I love that guy I want to see him do a comedy man. What's your favorite Denzel movie favorite? It's a movie ever is training day. Yeah, it is great I think that that like I just think it's as a movie It's just well written and so well put together and Ethan Hawke is great, too Yeah, but just that monologue the character it was just that was crazy. I see your training day I'm raising you John Q. Oh, I love John John Q is my favorite Denzel performance

I love John Q. He's amazing. It's a good one. He's amazing He's not gonna bury his son. Yeah. Oh god. Yeah, I love that. I'm gonna watch that movie today I need to I need to rewatch that it's been a while. Yeah, no, I loved it But I really want to see him do a comedy because he's all now he's done everything Yeah, and I just feel like any other like every serious role He does from now on is just kind of like okay, like you're Denzel Of course, this is good But I feel like if he like did a comedy and like kill that shit it would just be like alright

You're the best I do think I would love to see him have like a bit of a Nick Cage arc We're like, yeah, just do some funny goofy shit. Do you see um Unbearable weight of massive talent or Renfield. I like both of those. Yeah. I love that shit. And I, it's, it's something that only a long time acclaimed. We already know you're great at this. You gotta be in it for a minute to do something like that.

Denzel can do that. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I would love to see him do some like really funny, funny thing. He's one of the few people that can do that. Yeah. I'd like to, I'd like to see see I've been thinking a lot about batista

He's good. He's good I want to see him in a fucking indie drama, dude. Yes. I want to see him in a heartbreaking I get gut wrenching. I want to cry at a batista movie. So yeah I want that for him Because I think he wants it maybe as well. I think I think so too. I it looks like he really wants to be an actor Yeah, you know, I I want it for him. I like I like batista. I it looks like he really wants to be an actor. Yeah, you know, I want it for I like I like Batista. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, he he lost a bunch of weight and he was like, well, I want to act I want to saw that I was like fuck

I mean, I guess I knew but fuck He was like, well, yeah, I couldn't act, but fuck. Oh, my God. He was like, well, yeah, I couldn't act at that size. I was like, oh, fuck. I got to get to work. And his was muscle. Yeah, damn, that was tough to see. Yeah, I mean, it's just like he has to he has to beat out John Cena

or the Rock for every one of those roles. Yeah. That's why the Rock make so much money If you write a role for a big dude that needs to be charming and kind of funny, he's gonna get the part Yeah, and I love John Cena and the Rock as actors by the way I would love love love to actually I'm kind of writing something right now with John Cena in mind I would love to work with John Cena. I think he's very funny and I think he's very charming John Cena and the Rock both I think their strong suits are

Like they don't have there's something that Batista has that they don't yeah like Batista has a like he has a I Don't know there's like a tenderness to him. There's like a There's something about him that I think is just a little different than those two Yeah, and so I do think he could carve out a different lane for himself. I definitely think so. So yeah, I could see why he probably like changed his body and stuff. Yeah.

My favorite The Rock role is the other guys. Yeah. Cause it's short. Yeah. It's short and also it's hilarious. I don't need to see The Rock for two hours. Central Intelligence with Kevin Hart is actually a pretty good movie though. I will give them that one.

You will give the Rock, you will give the Rock his one flower. Yeah. His singular flower. He's not my favorite actor in the world. Yeah. You know. You think, you think God's real? No!

Hahahaha! I like to spring it on people, see what happens. I don't, I don't at all. No God for you? No, I don't believe in anything. The point of life I think is community at the end of the day. Like love and friends and how you are in relationships and that kind of thing. It's just like, who are you to the people around you?

Do the people around you genuinely enjoy being around you? Is there love there? I think that's the most important part of life. I do think religions have that in a certain kind of way with the community building aspect, but then when you give one man all the power at the top like that just kind of fucks it all yeah we can't trust almost anyone to do it's really just me that could trust with that honestly yeah I'm a Caleb power that's it yeah yeah yeah I want to I would probably start a cult I think it'd be cool I mean I think most

comedians have a little bit of that I think it'd be cool I'd start a cool one because when you when you sell out a show and you do an hour in front of people, it feels cult like. Well, it's psychotic. You really stop it. Do you ever stop and think about like, it is crazy. I did it on stage once. Yeah. I was in Pittsburgh. Yeah. Cause it, it was like, I literally stopped it. Like I had a joke hit so hard and I stopped. I was like, I've never been here before. Yeah, none of y'all know me. Yeah, and I'm just talking about my life up here Yeah, and y'all paid to be here and they just go yeah

And I was like, alright, just get back to the jokes. Like this is crazy. What is that? We do bottle rocket in Pittsburgh. No, I did this like independent show. I'm not where you at Hit him up I think think you'd do a good week at Bottle Rocket. But the thing of like standing on a stage with only your thoughts to entertain people for an hour is a really crazy, it's trippy. That's why it's the coolest art form to me. And I had this talk with another comedian,

I won't say his name, I won't bust him out, but we were talking about how like we both hate PowerPoint comedy. Yeah. Really? I kind of like it. I hate it. Why?

Because stand up is supposed to be this thing where you just have the mic, and you're supposed to communicate the thing so well you don't need all the other shit. Yeah. And so for me, it's like, if you need that PowerPoint, then you probably didn't write the joke that good Yeah, I felt this way before that's just that's just me I might be wrong because there's some people killing with the PowerPoint

Yeah, you know I'm saying and do your thing because I don't like it. Don't stop. Don't stop what you doing Yeah, but like for me, I just very much love the pure just like standing there with a mic Sit on a stool and you just talking to these people and like hitting them with punch lines and making them think about stuff they would never ever think ever in their life. And they're gonna repeat it at work tomorrow. I just don't think a PowerPoint does that.

I hear you, I felt that way. There was definitely a moment coming out of Chicago when everybody was doing PowerPoints in Chicago for a second, including myself. That was the first place I saw it when I did stand up in Chicago. And I was doing it too, and I definitely, I acknowledged in my own work that I was like this you're doing this because you're being lazy yeah yeah I was I fully like I can't I went to New

York and LA and did like a PowerPoint set that I had been doing it went really well and it sold out and I've seen some that are really funny it mine wasn't really in particular to be honest like mine was honestly a crutch I'll be honest like I was being lazy like I didn't want to focus on the jokes I didn't believe in the jokes it was a crutch where like the was being lazy like I didn't want to focus on the jokes I didn't believe in the jokes It was a crutch where like the PowerPoint Created this and I think a lot of people if they were really honest with themselves would admit the same thing Yeah, where it's like it created this like

This comfort of like well, I can just click the next slide or there's something that'll make them laugh in there if I don't do My when the picture is the punchline. Yeah, I think that's totally fair. I will say though I thought that is what like late night TV is though 100% and by the way, there's there's a lot of people that are doing it in Really innovative ways. I wasn't doing it creatively. I was being a hack. What's the dude? He just did one He's really funny Josh sharp. I don't know that is it's a white dude. He he he's Part I think he's with 80 Bryant. Oh Connor O'Malley, yeah, yeah, I watched his on YouTube and I liked his. His was very interesting because it was like a character and stuff.

You should go see Josh Sharpe. Josh Sharpe's doing a PowerPoint hour right now that he does a slide cue every three seconds. It is so choreographed and genius. I haven't seen something this tight. As a joke writer, you'll really appreciate it. Okay he might change my... and I'm all about changing perspective. Yeah but to your point I definitely was when I was doing powerpoints I was being a hack. Yeah I get that.

And I had to stop. I just have this rule I don't want to use nothing Richard Pryor couldn't use. I think he's the best ever and he didn't even have access to that shit he just had crack. Yeah but he was an innovator. So don't you think maybe he would be doing have access to that shit. He just had crack. Yeah, but he was an innovator. Exactly. So don't you think maybe he would be doing PowerPoints now? No. I don't know. I don't think so.

I don't know. He might be at UCB. I don't think so. Richard Pryor might have been doing a one-man show at UCB Sunset. You don't like to hear it. Don't disrespect that. You don't like to hear it. Richard Pryor is one of my greats as well.

No! But he might be doing something else. Oh my God. You don't like to hear it, but it might be the case. I'm so upset at you right now. Don't disrespect that. Don't get that. Richard Pryor is one of my greats as well. No! But he might be doing something else. Oh my god. You don't like to hear it, but it might be the case. I'm so upset at you right now.

Don't disrespect my goat like that. No, he really is. He's just having Mike and some crack, man. Yeah. And a little bit of Marlon Brando, but we don't have to talk about that. Yeah. Ha ha!

Niles, thank you so much for being on. Thank you for having me. This was so fun. Please tell the people where they can find you. You can follow me on Twitter, at Niles100, Instagram, the Niles Absinthe Show. Follow me. I run a monthly show with Don't Tell called Who All Gonna Be There. Tickets are on sale right now, November 22nd. Come out to the show in LA if you're here.

Great. Thanks for being on. That was a HateGum Podcast.