So True with Caleb Hearon - Stavros Halkias Returns Again

Episode Date: September 24, 2026

Welcome! This week is the return once again of our good friend, the hilarious Stavros Halkias! Stav and Caleb talk starting an exclusive camp together, a harrowing scooter crash, a heist of the most evil variety, pixie cuts, cereal, and much more! Join our Substack for ad free full episodes, early access to merch, our community chat, and more! https://calebsaysthings.substack.com/ Follow Stavros! @stavvybaby2 Follow the show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Visit https://hin.ge/SoTruewithCalebHearon to download Hinge today! Get 40% off select Lola Blankets products at https://Lolablankets.com by using code SOTRUE at checkout. Experience the world’s #1 blanket with Lola Blankets. Shop now at https://Fabletics.com/sotrue to get 70-80% percent off everything when you sign up as a new VIP To find delicious recipes and learn more about the antioxidant goodness of POM Wonderful, please go to https://pomwonderful.com Download Whatnot today and get $20 off your first purchase. Search Whatnot, W H A T N O T, in the app store, sign up, and start finding the best deals on the products you love with $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Go to https://skechers.com to shop all the Skechers Hands Free Slip-in Styles So True with Caleb Hearon is edited and engineered by Nicole Lyons. Our social media manager is Anna Weis. All episodes are filmed in The So Trudio at Legitimate Business World Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. A Wave series. https://wavesportsandentertainment.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Wave. Maybe Ginger and Scary would like me. Maybe I could be friends. Maybe they could be my girlfriends at the same time. Yeah, those were my desires. Two Spice Girls. The dream. Dude.

Could you imagine anything better than your girlfriends or Ginger Spice and Scary Spice? Yeah, if they were boys. All right, put yourself in my shoes. And when we start recording, we can start talking about it, but have you thought about the conversion therapy brochures I've been sending? you? I have considered them. I think my big issue with them was how many you've sent. Yeah, I mean, the volume of them. Yeah, and I am losing a lot of money on stamps. But I think it's

important you physically see how much I think this is important for you. Yeah. Because I can send emails, those will go to the, those will go to spam. Yes. But if I send you a postcard from Camp Not Not Gay anymore every week. I also don't love the name. I don't know. I think it's clear, concise to the point. I think it's not gay anymore. Maybe you'll be. little mad. I was like, if you're trying to attract gay people, the marketing is going to have to

at least be slick. No joke. Actually, we would be geniuses if we started a gay resort that the theme was conversion camp. And it was like, you guys everybody in your bunks, no gay stuff. And then you're secretly in the dark, sucking and

fucking. You know so much about gay guys. You know so much about gay guys. Because I have constantly thought, like, look, in the next three to seven years when they do round up gay people and put us in conversion camps mandatory no we've talking about this how hot is gonna be fucking hot so we've discussed this but we've never harnessed the power of it right

we me and you going yeah find a plot of land upstate yes and we we create camp not gay anymore yeah and I think we're printing money dude yeah all the guards are in like sexy leather outfits yeah yeah yeah they're all dressed like tombs of Finland you know it's like everyone is that we're straight yeah it is clearly the gayest guys is just butch gay guys yeah and And that, you know, and that's a thing. It's like you suck each other off.

But also, if you're a really good counselor, maybe you get to suck the counselor's off. Or camper, you get to suck the counselors off. Well, maybe that's like one of the tests. Is they're like, we want to make sure this is working. Right, right, right. The guards are going to fuck you and you're not allowed to like it. Yeah, yeah, you're not, you're got to, um,

you're not frown while you're getting your ass fucks. It's a really good idea, Stav. It would make a lot of money. The only issue you're going to come up with, you're going to come up against an issue that a lot of gay guys in New York have been dealing with for years, which is where are you going to find these tops? Ooh. Where are you going to find these alleged tops?

Oh, so this is a big problem, huh? There's a top shortage in the gay guy community. Get the fuck out of here. I know. Really? Yeah. Wait, so more guys are bottoms than tops. It's not a 50-50 situation?

It's not 50-50 at all. What are the percentages? Gotta be 90% bottoms. No. Got to be 90% bottoms 10% top. Yeah. Okay. Is this how we fix the male loneliness crisis?

Hello? We tell guys, listen, we get Pussies your number one choice. Could we interest you? Could we interest you in some Bussie? In a more used model. That comes at a lot lower cost. Yeah, cheaper handles great. Yeah, it's like a dream.

Oh, this is interesting. What if we could... Okay. Tell me. There's got to be guys who are like, you know, a little, like, mostly straight bisexual guys. What if we make a real push? It's kind of like in the Olympics when a team,

like Greece in the 2004 Olympics, we didn't have baseball players, right? Because it's not in Greece, that's not their sport. So they went to, like, Greek Americans, and they're like, hey, we'll get you your Greek passport. Huge. What if we get some mostly straight guys, their gay passport, and they can become tops

and can't not get gay anymore. Do you know how, I'm not kidding me? And it's a summer job, by the way. That's how we pitch it. It's like, fellas, this is like, what are you going to do porn? Just for the summer? For the summer, fuck some guys in the ass. Get your dick suck.

They're going to be awesome at it. It's going to be amazing. And by the way, you might find out those person. A percentage is a little more gayer than straight. Yeah. A couple of those guys might just end up finding their husband at camp not gay anymore. The camp not gay anymore, there's a bug on me. There are a lot of straight guys that are on Grindr just being like,

their bio that's like no face picture, just a torso pig. And their bio is like, closet guys. The only thing I do is fuck. This is a great job for a closeted guy. Yes. You want to get away from your bitch wife. Come to camp not gay anymore. Take a month on camp not gay anymore.

Let me tell you something. Those fellows aren't asked you why you're out playing late, playing cards late. They don't give a fuck. They just want to suck you off and send you on your way. Yeah, okay. I think we're fucking on to something. I think 20 seconds ago is when I think you got too comfortable.

I'm always looking. I exist. I exist too comfortable. I'm always looking for the moment when I'm like, okay. Oh, this is me just getting started. Yeah, you're way too comfortable with gay, and I'd say you're probably 40 pounds from me starting to watch some of the fat comments.

as well. Oh, interesting. If you lose about 40 more, I'm gonna go. Hold off. First of all, 40 more, I would weigh 240. Okay, I'm 5-7. I could lose 100 pounds and still look fat. That's the kind of my skill is that at any weight I look just fat, like just fat as shit. I was 350 and I looked, I looked bad, but I didn't compare to it. No, you didn't. 3.50, 5.7, I did, motherfucker. It's just the truth. You were hot. Beautiful women were throwing themselves at you. I've

I know. I know. That was tough. But you were a beautiful man. I feel so bad for them. I never thought it was... The girls that fucked me at 350. You think my dick doesn't work now. Yeah, you've brought this up. You've brought this up. I mean, actually, we're good now. My cucks actually...

Your dick's singing nice. Okay. But at 350... She's humming. Yeah. Oh, la la la la la la la la. That's my... Before I was like, eh.

No. They liked you at 350 with the same reason they like you now. You're a handsome. You're right. You're right. You're right. I was able to fake the good personality long enough And then I busted it

I was like, yeah, I got an early day tomorrow Yeah, so you should probably get going I got a podcast I'm gonna pitch gay camp to my friend Kail tomorrow No, you know my life's long journey If I have one is to get you to settle down with a nice girl I know that and we'll get there man We're actually the closest we've ever been

The last time I was here the studio looked like shit and I was bad It didn't look like complete shit It was a fucking blank Fucking blue wall It didn't look like complete shit Who did you bring over

To test out the lights? Stop It looks like potential Is what it looked like Anyway now And I was depressed The studio The studio my psyche

Were in the same situation Right Now it's beautiful here And I'm doing a lot better The special Uncle Stav Please watch it Everybody on Netflix I've worked very hard on it

It's kind of what I've been working on the last three years With that motherfucker's out and I'm done promoting it, I'm ready to find the wife. When are you going to be done promoting it? Probably like the end of September. Okay.

So fall in New York, listen, you set me up on some cute autumnal dates with some beautiful women. I'm listening. I'm playing project manager to this now. You just fucking said it's your lifelong fucking goal. I know,

but I didn't know that that's what it was going to involve. I thought it was just kind of bringing it up on a podcast every seven months. I didn't know I was actually going to have to put girls in the line of fire. I'm trying to make you, I'm trying to make you generational wealth with Camp Not Gaining. and you won't even set me up with a couple girls, dude.

Would you cut me in, would you cut me in on like, if I found your wife for you, would you cut me in on some of the podcast profits or something? Oh, interesting. Just give a little bit back for the king? Every bit I do about my, in 10 years would I inevitably turn into like a, my wife won't even blow me anymore, comic. You get a piece of that.

You get 10 points on the back end of those jokes. Just a little taste for the boss. Yeah. Well, no, no, no. It would not be, you are not the boss. I'm the boss. I'm the boss if I find the girl. No, you're an affiliate who I'm kicking a little of my profits over to.

A little taste for the call me? You're basically in Goodfellas, you're Ray Leota. Sure. You know, you're not made, right? You're not in this situation. I know, I'm scared to say shit like this to you because I know what it's going to do to you. Goodfellas is awesome, dude. I watch the Supranos.

That's good. Then you'll love Goodfellas. Okay. And you'll love Goodfellas. It's so fucking good. Aren't there like multiple of them? There's one good fellas. Oh, I thought there was multiple.

No, dude. It's an incredible. movie. What's there multiple of? A lot of stuff. Scarface? I don't know how to answer that question. What is there multiple of? No, there's one Scarface. Doesn't one of the Italian guy movies have multiples? The Godfather. That's how from Missouri you are. You found a way to be racist towards Italians. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Get them out of here. Yeah. No, you would love it. What about Scorsese stuff in general? Scorsese stuff in general. Name a couple. Mean Streets, taxi driver

A taxi driver I've seen What a banger Taxi driver I've seen Okay, this is awesome This is a fun game And then you go next after me Adele albums Adele

How many of you tapped in on Full Through page to pay Cover to cover To cover probably zero See that's fucked up She's a good I've hit a couple of them She's a generational vocal talent

She is a really great talent And she's an incredible performer I can't wait I would love to see her And let's not forget That picture of her with the fucking Braids wearing like the Trinidad

No, it was just hilarious It actually, it did less than zero for me I do think she's a beautiful woman Seeing her like that, I was like, tough. Yeah, it's, white woman embarrassment can really paper over thinking you're hot. I think she had like Bantu Nots in.

Yeah, it was a tough look. It was a really tough look and it's like, listen, you need to do this in the privacy of your own home. What you do in your mansion are up to, I don't care. I don't care what you, but like this is not appropriate for people

shouldn't see this. It was definitely private situation. Yeah. It was a private situation that we saw it and you never want to see your heroes like that. And she was so happy, too. That was the toughest part. She was on the time of her life. She was on the time of her life. We don't have to dwell on it. I'm a big Adel fan. You know, great, great pipes on that gal. You gotta, oh, you gotta wonder how many

cosines she got from the right people before she allowed that picture to be taken. That's a really good. You got to think a lot of people that she trusted were like, you're good? You look great. You're good. The closest people in her life let her down. Where those? Yeah, absolutely. You're good. We got you. But she's bounced back. Yeah. She's doing good. Oh, she's chilling.

She's hanging out as far as I know. Yeah. As far as I know, nothing going on. She's certainly not putting out a new record. That's okay. Maybe in time. It hasn't been so long since the last one. Yeah.

How long has it been? What? That came out, the most recent album, All Night Parking album came out, what? Like three years ago? Four years ago? Oh, wow. Yeah.

I think 2021? Wow. Wow. It's been some time. Five. So we're ready. We're ready. Frank Ocean, we're ready.

Frank Ocean, we're ready. Frank Ocean. Crazy. Frank Ocean, it's like, come on, man. What do you mean? What are we doing here? Oh, just the amount of time. It's insane. I thought you were to be critical. No, no, he's the man. Okay, cool. Come on. That'd be so scary.

I was like, not my cup of tea. There would be like the first time that you and I had a real problem. Like, it would be, I'm thinking of you saying, like, being like anti-Frank Ocean and me being like, no, me and stuff would have to actually have like a reckoning. No. How could I be against it? Some beautiful tunes. That's right. What else is going on with you? What's up in your life? Tell me honest. You got your fucking arm fixed. arm fixed, flex.

What even happened? You like fucking line-scuited yourself to death? I did. Yeah, I fell off a scooter trying to get low-calorie ice cream before it melted. It was,

my groceries were delivered while I was doing an errand. Oh, that's what I get for having low-calorie ice cream. That's what you give for low-calorie ice cream. Should have the good stuff. We're in a platonic feeder relationship. You just want to keep me fucking fat?

I want to keep you big. Yeah. I get that. I'm losing weight too. You think I like it? It's making me scared. What's going on with you? What about me?

Are you just active? Are you like... How are you losing the weight? Because you keep saying it's a mistake. And that's actually what I don't believe. You don't believe it's a mistake? I think you're doing something and you won't admit it. You're ashamed.

To you're much... You're ashamed that you are losing weight and kind of like it. It's really... This is the... I think I like it. I think you... In one part of you does. Like earlier when I said I was 3.15 and you're like,

you were beautiful. That was a little of the lady doth protest too much. You were hot at 350. You don't believe that I thought you were hot at 315. I do think my stats at 5-7-350. On paper, I do think I was the best other than like a, like, I don't know, some fighter or something.

I think fat guy at that weight, I held it well, too, a nice, beautiful round. The way people are like, if you have a nice shaped head when you shave your head, it's nice, if you have a nice, even circle as a fat guy, if you don't have droop, if you don't have, like, one weird thing here, you don't have one. I was a sphere, dude.

I was a... See, but you don't believe that I find fat people attractive. Oh, I think you do. Okay. I think, but I think you also, here's what it is, because I'm with you. I also find fat people attractive, but I will also admit, non-fat people are also attractive. Not what are you also attractive?

And sometimes... Well, that's like the most standard thing to ever believe. I'm going out on... Not here, it's not. Not... I have to enter the twisted logic of the So Trudio. I have to, I have to fucking debate you in here. And so I think it's fine for you to admit,

hey, it's not a problem to lose a little weight. I think I have genuinely mostly neutral feelings about it. But what you said... You won't allow yourself to feel even a positive. That's what I'm saying. You think you have to stay neutral. Here's the issue. The reason I have...

I feel lucky to have mostly neutral feelings about it. Yes. Because the feelings I would have would be negative. It annoys me. You don't want self-hate. There are people acting like I'm attractive for the first time because I've lost some weight. There are people saying things in my comments

that I don't think they should be saying. No, that's, I agree with you there. I'm like, I actually genuinely liked myself and thought I was hot 80 pounds ago. And you were. Exactly. And so it bothers me that people don't agree with that. I think they're wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do, however, I've come from the Monique School of Thought, which is, she has that great bit where she's like, I think Fat men are so sexy. I'm not going to fuck them. And there you go, folks. But it's logistical. That's where it is. It's logistical.

No, I know, I have a joke about this on this person. What fucking bed frame would we be in there? No, I have a joke on this special where it's like, I do think fat girls are hot. I just haven't dated many of them, but it's not an attraction issue. It's a geometry problem. You know what I mean? I'm going to get in there? I don't have the penis for two bellies.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't have two bellies dick. No, no, no. I wish I did. By the way, same thing with fat asses. An insanely fat ass, that's a problem for me. Yeah.

You know, I can't breach the cheek, the cheek level sometimes. Same. You know, that's a tough one. I have the money to get an industrial strength bed frame for the house. But we're not, what, we're just not going to go to the Maldives? Or we're going to stay in separate rooms? That's a great point. Fat men are beautiful.

They just got to fuck somebody else. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I can't live, we can't even travel together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is true. We're gonna, we could, if, if they would allow you to just buy three seats for two guys, that would change your life, I think. And they would, but it's not even just the seats.

It's like, right. It's too much. No, I get it. I get it. And also, I would be two, do you know when you're with a fat friend, Like, me and my friend Doyle were in this for a long time where, like, we would get together and it'd be like, we would have just had a big lunch and it'd be like,

we gotta hit the buffet for dinner. Yeah. I can't be dating a fat guy in every night we're being like, Chili's? Right, right. I think I need someone around to be like, hey, worry about that heartburn. I get that. I definitely get that.

You don't want, you do not want to, you know, to be completely, like, codependent with someone that likes. I mean, me and Elders essentially have been in a, in a straight fat guy, gay marriage, you know what I mean? Like where we just like, yeah, dude, get some ice cream. Yeah, oh, ice cream. Well, one of us has to be like, we'll do it

honestly so pathetic, but we'll be like, ice cream, who said that? We'll do that all the time. Did someone say a little treat after dinner before we watch our show? No, that's true, that is true. And I do think ultimately, I'm on I'm on a wave right now where it's like,

you know, you can try and fix yourself as much as possible, but at a certain point, you kind of have to find the person who's fucked up in the complimentary ways to you. So I do think probably I might end up with somebody or like dating somebody who's like when an eating disorder cancels out.

You know what I mean? Like my friend George, he was fat and he got too maniacal about it and now he does have an eating disorder in terms of health where he's like he's like you know macros guy all this kind of shit. But having him around him around what he's so maniacal about.

I just eat healthier when I'm with him versus when I'm with eldest. And I think a woman, I did in the past date a lot of girls with eating disorders by accident because I think they were sort of like, whoa, it's kind of nice. He's like eating pizza this voraciously.

You know what I mean? He doesn't mind if I have lunch. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that could be good for me too. Where somebody who just sort of like, I could bring them to the fat side, they could bring me to the, you know, don't have four desserts side.

You know what I mean? I think that'd be, yeah, that's okay. Yeah. I think the funny thing about the person, the former fat person who loses a bunch of weight and they get real like high on their, they get real high and mighty. To George's great, he's not high and mighty. No, no, I'm not talking about George. But that, those people definitely exist.

These people get served to me on like Instagram reels sometimes that they'll be like, they'll be like, I used to be 450 pounds. I was fucking disgusting and so are you if you're that weight. Right, right, right. You want to look like me and then you look at them and you're like, well, hold your horse's boss. Not really. You are thin, but you are ugly as far. You look fucked up. You look bad.

Yeah. So I would relax on maybe the self-righteousness and just enjoy your walks. Yeah, I started respecting myself and everything changed. You can too, you fat tub of shit. And it's like, ah, inspiring. You know what? Ooh, sounds good. I don't want to do that.

See, that's the kind of thing I don't want. I'm even like, even to us talking about being fat and losing weight. I don't want to hear anybody's fucking thoughts on it. I get that. Like, I'm talking to my buddy. I get that. But I'm like, all these people that sound off about, like, weight. I'm just like, I don't care what you think.

Yeah, that's fair. That is fair. care what you think. Yeah. I think you looked great now. I think you looked great then. I wouldn't have fucked you at either time for so many reasons. Right, right, right. Yeah, me neither. And not even like straight or fat stuff. Mostly it's about like, I don't think you'd treat me right. Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. I would fucking use you and toss you aside. I feel like you'd be on the next plane to Cleveland. You'd be just a little piece ass on my stop through the Midwest. You fucking call me at one in the morning. And then you'd be like, I gotta play the funny bone. What's going on with you? Oh, so yeah, what's going on with you?

I would give you one of those half-heartedly every once in a while. Anyway, you want a cup of water? Anyway, where are my manners? It's probably good to it. Yeah, no, that's true. We won't do it. No, we'll never.

This will, they, won't they? It'll just never happen. Well, keep it platonic, and I think that'll be beautiful. And I, as much as I do want you to settle down with a good woman, the idea of sending a woman in there to... You know, it kind of feels like... Sending peacekeepers, the UN peacekeepers into Gaza.

Yeah. This was basically what it's like. I'm going to give them a little journalist vest and send them to your house. Hey, just do your best. I know it's stacked against you. Just get the story if you can. Maybe write a note to your family before we send you. Have your affairs in order.

But I'm kind of excited because I don't feel like I've been a person for like six months. And I'm kind of like excited to just not have to do anything and see what happens. See what my brain comes up with. Are you really going to take time off? I am actually going to do it this time. Where are you going to be? Are you going to spend it in New York? I'm going to spend it in New York because it's the fall in New York.

It's the best. So October, November, I have nothing. I'm going to be chilling in New York. Maybe do it. Maybe doing instead of, but for fun, not working on anything, just popping into clubs, doing my friend shows, hanging out, going to a fucking movie. You know what I mean?

Like, seeing some old shit on film. We're in the best city in the world, and it's in the fall. And I was going to go away, but I was like, why? Don't go away. I have, I'm in the best place to be October. November. So I'm going to go crazy. And then I'm going to go spend a lot of time with my family in December. And then I'll probably go away like December, January, lose some cold. That's the move. Go to the fucking, you know, go to the beach or some shit like that.

That's the move. Yeah. Jump in the ocean every day. So I'm excited. I was just, there was a two week period where I'm just coming off of between L.A. and Hawaii where I was in the ocean every day. Whoa. And God, it was good. Sunset Ocean. Holy shit. I was getting into the sunset ocean. God damn, dude. I'm swimming in the ocean and my friends were sick of me. Yeah. We were in the ocean. I kept turning to him going, how lucky are we? You said that last night. We're pretty lucky, man, we get it.

How was Hawaii? I've never been. I've considered, I'm considering going to. Yeah. It was beautiful. I will say I tried to crack one too many jokes. I asked some of my Samoan friends. So what's like the ethical way to my property around here?

It was not even met with a half-hearted laugh. Yeah. I go, I go, so is there like, an ethical way to buy property around here and they're like, no? Yeah. And I was like, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, sorry about that guys. No worries, no worries. Yeah. I said something else too. I made a joke to somebody.

Yeah, I tried to do too many jokes, but it was a beautiful place and beautiful people. Of course. I enjoyed my visit. Well, it is people that look like you asking those questions, not ironically. Of course. You know what I mean? And it's like, it is funny because you're basically like Kansas City businessman, um, like that's the hardware. And you ran fun loving gay guy software. Like, you know what I mean?

Like, you should be in a three-piece suit looking to displace Native Hawaiians. That's what this body is meant to be. It's not meant for cute little jean shorts. It's meant for, like, you know, a pleaded trouser and asking for the numbers. You know what I mean? Like, that's, so they, so something about your just...

There's a primal feeling that was arisen. Exactly, exactly. It coming out of, that question coming out of your face, I think triggered fight or flight for them. Yeah. Because it is, you know, Kansas City businessman, being like, now, how could we do a deal on the acre? I know that's not what they talk like, but it feels like.

I was noticing maybe we could get a deal on some of those, some of that beachfront property. Perhaps a Starbucks in the mountains there. Your sacred ground, your burial ground. Have you ever thought about putting a trader Joe's there? I like this character for you a lot. I like to see more of him. Southern developer. Yeah, I'd like to see a lot more of him.

Yeah, yeah. I think another joke I maybe made was, I can't remember if I said this one or not, but you're not supposed to take stuff from the beaches. They were very, we were told, like, don't take shells or driftwood from the beaches. It's very sacred to the Hawaiian people.

Okay. Which I actually did know. And I think I either said or typed out and deleted, what's the rule on bad bitches? I thought that'd be kind of fun. Yeah, that is fun. But, you know. Can I take a bad bitch with me home?

Yeah. If you find a bad bitch at the beach. That's a fair question. That's, come on. Is that part of the, the natural ecological system? Yeah, it just depends. It's fucked up. You gotta ask.

Do I have to do it must I fuck the bad bitch on the beach? Yeah, do we have to do it there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do we have to do it there? Yeah. Not a lot of gay guys on Hawaii. Wow. I noticed. Why not? The density, it was very spread out. I mean, the where I was at, it was very spread out. The closest gay guy oftentimes was

12 miles away. Wow. It's a far distance for a gay guy to be. That's tough, yeah. Yeah, so the island was beautiful. I had some really good pokey. I enjoyed the ocean. Drew's wedding was beautiful. Absolutely stunning ceremony. Everybody was gorgeous. Oh, that's awesome.

A Hawaii beach wedding is so sick. Come on. It was gorgeous. So no gay guys, though, huh? There were gay guys. They were just few and far between. They were few and far between. Did you get a little fucking moped and go through the fucking mountains? Yeah, I had to fucking journey.

I had to build a raft and, like, float to a gay guy. It was crazy. Yeah. It was beautiful there. It really is gorgeous. You understand why Jack Johnson lives down there. Oh, Jack Johnson's over there. Oh, yeah. I'm not up on Jack Johnson.

I'm not up on where Jack Johnson wins. He's down there making banana pancakes. So awesome that that's your like, wow, and you know, Jack Johnson. Even Jack Johnson couldn't resist the siren call. He could have lived anywhere, so. He could have lived anywhere. No disrespect to Jack Johnson, but it's like,

you didn't even start with Dave Matthews. No. You don't know where he lives. I don't know where he lives. Does Dave Matthews have curious. Can we see where Dave Matthews? Oh, did he write the curious George? Jack Johnson?

I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm not a fucking Jack Johnson historian. I want to turn the whole world upside down. You're madder? I would like, for the record, you're madder about this than Adele. Yeah, and let's just fucking love Jack Johnson. I just went to his concert.

It was amazing. Really? Which is big one? What's his big one? What's his big one? God, it'd be hard to choose. Okay. Banana pancakes.

Oh, so banana pancakes. Taylor. You were making a reference. I see, I see. I apologize. This is where you realize we are different types of white people. Of course. You know what I mean?

This is where the like Midwest, you know, versus East Coast immigrant who grew up around. Jack Johnson was the. my type of white kid in Missouri's, like, rebellious response to being raised by parrotheads. Oh, that's crazy. You know what I mean? It's like, I'm different from my parents, kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what I mean?

But I still got a toe in these waters. Where does, where does he live? Dave Matthews. Dave Matthews lives in Seattle, Washington. Attrax. Not as nice. It's Hawaii adjacent. No, it's not.

People who live in Seattle and people who live in Hawaii, there's some overlap. Interesting, but it's fucking rainy. There's no beaches. It's cold. Yeah, but it's not one of the big. places and it's over there and it's about the outdoors and it's nature people. I suppose. It's biking and it's sandals.

Okay, all right. Sandals I'll give you. Sandals you can have. Sandals you can have. You know, Dave Matt, that was like, that was like, that was like, that was like, uh, boat shoes white guy. Yeah, there are boat shoes, white guy overlap. I didn't want to be that.

There's some boat shoes, white guy overlap. I think, uh, I think you'd have a really nice time with a Jack Johnson. I'll, listen, now where I'm not as worried about fitting in and, you know, having to hide, having to hide my, the type of stuff I like, maybe I'll check out Jack Johnson. I went to his concert, he was playing, he was playing, he used to shoot like surfing movies. Oh, sick. He used to film like surfers and ocean footage. He played a bunch of it behind him while he played his songs.

That's kind of sick. It was sick. I posted on my Instagram story and said, does anybody at this concert have weed? And, of course, everyone does. Everyone did. But a couple lesbians came over and gave me an edible. They said, we saw your Instagram story. Do you want some edibles?

I said, yeah. That's the dream. Yeah. I had a hot dog. fucking night of my life. I'm listening. Lake Street dive opened. You know Lake Street dive?

I don't. Lake Street dive? Sorry, man. I don't know what the fuck you want for me. Lake Street dive is good. They can sing. Their guy on the keys, they let him every once in a while.

He'll take center stage and he'll cover, you're still the one by Shania Twain. And he fucking rips that song. Fuck, that's a good song. Oh my God. Shania I'm in on. See, here's the thing. What honestly,

what fed a lot of the stuff I liked was, could I also be horny to this? Yeah, okay. Is it already? I like and can I get horny? Because Shania Twain, I was a big fan of. The Spice Girls I loved, right? As a little boy, because it was both like

catchy tunes and I was like, ooh, maybe Ginger and Scary would like me. Maybe I could be friends, maybe they could be my girlfriends at the same time. Those were my desires. Two Spice Girls. The dream. Dude. Could you imagine anything better than your girlfriends or

Ginger Spice and Scary Spice? Yeah, if they were boys. All right. Put yourself in my shoes. Put yourself in my shoes. That's kind of awesome. This episode is brought to you by Hinge. Look, dating can be a goddamn nightmare.

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worked too hard. Yeah. And I was like, fuck, it would have been cool to like, do play football my senior year, I guess. But I just ultimately what I liked was I, it was like, because it was like so much of my identity too was football was also forbidden for me because my parents were smart and were like, you'll get

fucking brain damage if you play this barbaric American sport. Right? Like they did not grow up with football at all. My dad thought it was fucking stupid. The only, the only reason I was allowed to play football was because while I was playing soccer I don't know if I told you this, our coach gave a child pornography not in a molesting way and I'm like

dude I'm a cool way. Check this shit out. Yeah and like a cool older pathetic older brother trying to win over you know anyway so he got busted and I had eligibility he I think he just got fired unfortunately I don't think he went to jail I think it was more of like let's sweep this under the rug

you weren't trying to fuck him right and he's like no Yeah, you're like, it wasn't a molesty way. I'm like, I think it had to have been. Okay, I don't think it was because hilariously, I knew this guy. This actually, there's levels of this story. He used to be a deacon at my church, and he tried to steep, but hold on. I'm not getting any further away from him.

Greek Orthodox Church, you're allowed to get pussy. The Catholics are the ones that sort of started the no-wives rule. And, you know, I'm not, I think that was a bad bit of social engineering personally. I think we see what it led to. But anyway, this guy got caught. He tried to do an Ocean's 11, and him and a guy robbed the church after like Holy Week

when it had the most dollar bills and the tithes shit. And he got arrested. And I also knew that, and I guess, I don't know why they didn't do a background check on this guy. So I actually had blackmail on this guy. And so I knew this guy was a criminal,

and I knew he would never pass a background check. And so I guess the school just didn't do one. And so when he gave out the porn, and then they did a background check and they just immediately fired him. I love you, like, I know he didn't want to molest this kid. He was a thief.

He was also a different type of even depraved criminal. Well, he stole from the church. I don't think a guy who stole from the church would fuck a kid. All right. I just, I'm sorry, Caleb. I understand that my logic

when put that way does not track, but I guess, yeah, okay. Oh, sure, yeah. I guess you're right. So he stole from the church and fucked kids. Oh, and he would try and get served up, by a kid, all right. Come on, dude. That's two different types of criminals.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't really hear too many heist molesters. No. It's one or the other, usually. Usually you have your one thrill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Danny Ocean didn't fuck any kids. Yeah, you know what I mean? He didn't need to. You didn't need to. The stealing. The stealing was the thrill. And he liked, you know, he was Julia Roberts. Well, kind of. He couldn't decide. Yeah, he messed up with her.

Yeah, of course. Fuck. Great movies, by it. So far. You've seen the Ocean's movies. Of course. All right. You think I haven't seen something Julia Roberts is involved in? That's a good point. They put Julian something they know I'll show her. You're in there. Yeah. It's like when you put a... Hook? You put a block of cheese under a box with a stick holding a leg. That's what Julia Robertson movies is to me.

I love that. I see the stick in the box and I go, the stick's going to fall and I'm going to be trapped in the box. Yeah. I run in there anyway. Yeah, I've seen Hook. I've seen her with the Pixie Cut. I love. I saw Non-Binary Julia Roberts. I wouldn't go that far. She looks non-binary in that movie. You think so? Pull up a picture of Julia Robertson. Let's pull up. Yep. Let's pull it up.

Pull up Julia Roberts, thinker Bell. Hook performance. You know, I haven't seen it a while. I wonder if her attitude is also... She was given FtM boots. Well, she was... She was really... Oh, you know what?

Ftm boots. I take it all the way the fuck back. Ftm boots. Damn. That is actually maybe... Tell me someone like... The most non-binary haircut I've ever seen in my life. You've gotten a latte from that person.

A hundred percent. It was delicious. Of course. The ratio of oat milk to freshly ground coffee was just right. That person has given you the best latte of your life. And they're playing... kick-ass music. You know, absolutely they have some deep cuts. They're on that far left one chance.

Bring her... Wow. Is this Hollywood... Star... Like, you know, we talk about the gay agenda. We don't talk about the non-binary agenda. They don't want you to do. Was this Hollywood sneaking in, making us horny to the non-binary?

Because I remember having a huge crush on pixie-cut, Tinkerbell, uh, Julia Roberts. But I think maybe it got, it also got mixed up with regular Tinkerbell. Maybe I put some of Tinkerbells attitude into hot Julia Roberts.

It's just an interesting question to pose and ponder. I think she's just a beautiful woman with short hair. It's probably what you were going through. I'm just saying, I'm asking questions. Is that so fucking much to do? Is that so illegal? Is that so illegal to ask questions? Yeah, probably. In 1990, what year was this? 90 what?

92, 93? In that year. Anyway. That was a later than that, wasn't it? I don't know. Look up hook. year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Walk him through it. Walk him through it.

Hook year on Google Images. Yeah. Make sure it's an image search. Probably not images, I would say. 91. 91. Yeah. That film is old.

What's interesting is before, before we had Woke, we used to have really, really gay and queer stuff. Totally. Because no one was even thinking about it. No, I mean, who the fuck taught Republicans

about themes? Yeah. You know what I mean? Who the fuck? Who the fuck taught them about critical media studies. It's like they used to love gay shit and not realize it. It's like Liberaj, people thought Liberachi

was straight. Yeah. The most homophobic guy of all time played Liberace to relax before fucking, you know, having horrific sex with his wife. He just likes his songs. Yeah, he just, it's like why did we have to, why did we teach that, why did we teach them fucking media, you know, like, I don't know, we messed up. We really messed up. Because they were

enjoying gay stuff as much as we were. Absolutely. We were all enjoying gay subtexts. I also think probably, here's, Here's a theory I have, too, is that it kind of ties into our closeted, like, secret gay sex theory. Yeah. I think parades used to be so much better in, like, the 30s, 40s, and 50s because of how many closeted gay guys, this was their one opportunity to be really creative. It was the church choir. It was the church choir.

It was the two times a year you got to be like, uh, for God or the country, I'm doing costumes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to do drag for Easter. It's called patriotism. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, absolutely. Now you can just do drag, so it's like, now everything's gay. I do think, I think parades were awesome in the 50s

because of how many closeted guys had to put all their effort. I don't think about 50s parades at morning. I feel like they were. I feel like they were. You just have a feeling. I just have a feeling because there's like, you know, everything, there's no other way to really celebrate. This is actually just making me think right now

that you and I should have a joint float in the Macy's Day parade. Oh, my God, I would love that. For Stavi's World and so true. I would love that. And it's just too huge, like, we should make huge, hilarious. paper machet uses. Round as fuck. And have them talking into giant microphones.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And we're doing a live pod while the float is going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just like talking. It's too fucking cold on here for this. It's fucking cold.

I want pumpkin pie. Yeah. We're doing, we're doing fuck merry kill the turkey. It's just blasting out from speakers as we go down the street. The turkey. I guess I don't know who it is,

but I think we probably end up killing the pilgrims in the traditional. Totally. In the traditional. That's the way that you and I would land on stuff. Yeah. You fuck the turkey, which it means eat it. Yeah.

Right? Sure. I think in this case. And then you marry the Native Americans. Was it an interesting look into your psyche, by the way. Oh, is that connected? Oh, is that unfortunately very connected. You fuck the turkey, which of course means you have a beautiful meal. Huh. I'm not prepared

to do all the math, but I'm certain that the numbers need to be stacked up and have a line underneath them. I know the equation should happen. No, it is fucked up how much I'm like, dude, I just got to have sex. I should have a delicious treat on top of it. You know what I mean?

Or damn, I'd love to have sex right now. I guess I'll settle for a delicious treat. But either way, the treats being ingested. The treats being ingested. We can do that math right now. Are you on treats right now? Yeah. You're doing treats?

Unfortunately, I like, I've settled into, I figured out the rhythm to beat GLP ones. Yeah. I figured it out where it's sort of like, You ever play like a stealth video game? Yeah. And you have to like break, like, let's say Metal Gear Solid. Yeah.

And you have to like dart across a hallway when the guard has its back turned. Yeah. The sixth day of a GLP one shot, the warden turns us back. And you have like a 12-hour window to be like, and I'm going nuts, dude. I'm going nuts on it. Why are you on it? Because if I wasn't on it this year, I would have, I would have gotten back to 350.

Really? I fucked my backup really bad and I haven't been able to exercise and I've been really stressed. Yeah. And so, yeah, I've been stress eating. I've actually even less, I have been having less fun than usual. I wasn't even like being a little slutty boy as much. But, but yeah, I just like, I needed to, I knew if left to my own devices this last year, I would have completely food relapsed. And so I'm on it.

But yeah, I am pushing the drugs to their limit. I am their most respected opponent. Yeah. They are beating me, but it's, I say in the special, too, every series goes seven games between me and GLP ones. Yeah, yeah.

It's funny the number of fat people that have come to me hat in hand and, like, kind of asked me like the Don's permission to get on a GOP1. Oh, that's so fucking funny. And I really don't care what people do. The one thing with me and GOP ones, I don't know if I've said this on the show

or not, I've said a lot in my life. So far is, I don't care what anyone does, take the GOP ones. I don't, it doesn't matter to me. Don't call it a miracle drug. It's not a miracle. It's not a miracle. It has side effects.

Yeah. It is a drug. Miracle drug pisses me off. What are you seven? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a miracle. Well, I mean, I think every drug is a miracle, actually. Like, Advil's the miracle drug, bro.

It's not a miracle if you can get liver cancer from it. Can you? The side effects of GLP-1s are like liver cancer, gallstones, and blindness. That the fuck up. I'm just telling you. Now this fucking guy knows how to read a scientific study all of a sudden. Mr. Vibs. Mr. Jack Johnson is fucking settling in and reading the fucking.

Jack's not on a GOP one. It's always been very thin. Jack's on Island time, brother. My whole point is my life I've taken every drug anyway. Yeah. Have I ever looked at what Whippets does to you? Have I ever done the research on salvia or 200 milligrams of weed? It's a great argument.

No. This is my argument about the vaccine, too. I was like, I don't give a fuck. If someone has drugs, I just do the drugs. If you tell me it might help my life, I do it. That's not about JLP ones. Oh, have you ever read the study? on Molly. You know what I mean?

It's a great argument. It also tracks with the difference between us because I don't do drugs and I'm like this about everything. Oh, I see. You're a fucking bitch. So I think that actually is a really nice point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a really nice point. Are you someone who thinks about what goes into your body or not? Pussy! Pussy!

Yeah! And I am. No, actually, gay guys love putting stuff into their body. That's true. They love party drugs. I mean, you want to talk about at the forefront of party drugs. Gay guys are doing it. They're really. They're in the space constantly. Absolutely. I am very scared of drugs.

Interesting. All of them. I just, I'm about to have this tonsillectomy. Uh-huh. And I told, uh, the doctor was like, we're going to send you home with Oxy. And I was like, I'm not going to take it until I have to. I'm very scared. Have you ever had a pill problem?

No, but I grew up in Missouri. Right. So it's in there. Trailer living. It's in there. And also there was just a series of like five years where like an acquaintance a week died from like pill problems. No, I mean, that's why I didn't take pills this year.

Uh, because I, fuck my, back, I broke my arm and I've just been living off edibles. Yeah. But it got to like, I was taking like 200 milligrams at a certain point. 200 milligrams of what day? Yeah. To go to bed. It got that bad.

I'm back to like 70. I'm back to like, I've knocked it down to like, that's where my tolerance is. But I have to get off them at some point. Yeah. Will you ever have a little drug experimentation phase of your life, do you think? For what reason? For fun? For whimsy.

You're a big whimsy guy. I have a lot of whimsy. my life. I'm just saying mushrooms? No. I doubt it. Why? Why would I? I don't, I don't need, I might having a good time. You're frolicing, right? Picture me frolicing. You're frolicing. You're with a, you know, a cabal of lesbians. You guys are having a wonderful time. Yeah. Immediately, I'm like, how do we convince them to come out? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, true, true. I'm just saying this because I recently had a beautiful weekend upstate with my friend who's non-binary, their wife and

it was all lesbians and I was like fuck this is actually all in fact we did some naked photographs for the calendar and it was the most free I've ever felt naked around lesbians there was some because it was like you're not used to nurturing female energy

plus no sexual nervousness being nude and so it was this beautiful thing where I felt taken care of and I had no self-conscious thoughts about my little ass dick as they were photographing me. You're in a beautiful position where the literal worst thing

that could happen is they steal your shirt. That is worst case. They're never going to say something mean about your body. You don't have to worry about if they want to fuck you. But that vintage Hawaiian is in trouble.

You might be letting go with that car heart work in progress work jacket. Do not even think about bringing overalls to it. Yeah, the overalls are going first. Yeah, you might lose that nice, that smart watch you brought it.

Yes, yes. And I don't mean smart like digital. I mean smart like handsome. Of course. Of course. Folks, there's all kinds of shoppers. Maybe like the shopper who values function as well as style, ever heard of it. And we want to know what kind of shopper are you. Maybe you're getting into running, starting a fitness journey, or you're already a gym member who, or gym regular, who's always looking for better gear. Or maybe you've got a golf trip coming up and your fit needs an upgrade. Well, no matter what kind of shopper you are, Fabletics has you covered.

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of Palm Wonderful, please go to palmwonderful. So anyway, let's say you're frolicking, you're in a meadow. Yeah. A little bit of mushrooms just makes everything you're feeling 10 times better. Yeah. With no side effects. I'm not kidding. I'm not saying do a crazy dose.

I'm saying do this much. And only because you love nature, you love being connected to your friends. I'm not kidding. Good mushroom trips. And that's what I would start there. I'm not telling you to do. You're not a cocaine guy. You're not a pills guy.

Actually, I could see that. But you're not, but whatever. Like, you're not, that's not who you are. That's not what you want to be. Those things could be sinister in your life. But I think there's a couple drugs that could be positive, and that's all I'm saying. I think there's a chance they can be positive.

There's also a chance. My fear is that I will mess up my brain. I don't want to mess up my brain. I would say. They're like, oh, open up pathways. I'm like, fuck that. To do what? Podcast?

Yes. You need your fucking brain. You need to be at the top of your brain to fucking podcast. Stop, if you think I bring my brain to this show. I know that's what I'm saying. We don't have to use our brains for anything. You can come in here with a brain? Interesting, interesting, interesting.

Yeah, I'm just saying, you know, a little dabbling might be interesting for you. It totally could be, and I'm not saying it won't happen. I have a history of thinking that I won't do things and then I do them. Immediately. And then pretending like you're that guy the whole time. No, not always, sometimes.

Sometimes I like the change, sometimes I don't like the change and try to pretend it wasn't a change. Right. Sometimes I embrace the change and go, isn't it beautiful that I changed? Remember Beyonce's pixie cut that she immediately went away from? No. That was a moment.

I never saw Beyonce with a piece. This is me putting out on an olive. branch. That's really sweet. I remember a thing that happened that gay guys were talking about. Chance, can you pull up Beyonce pixie cut? It was like she put it on Instagram and people didn't fuck with it and she immediately pretended it didn't happen. Do you remember this? I can see why she changed. I think she looks fucking gorgeous. She looks incredible. But I can see what people were responding to. They want her to be. They want her, yes. Yeah, they wanted to have the long hair blowing in the wind. I have always like short hair. I mean, yeah. It doesn't get said enough.

That Beyonce's, well, I think at this point we just know. I'm wondering if we're still telling her. Mm-hmm. I think so. Jay Z, are you telling her? I don't know if Jay Z is, but somebody else probably. Jay Z, you better tell her how beautiful she is. She really is so beautiful, and she nailed it by doing interviews for two years and then saying, I'm actually all good.

Yeah. Refusing to do interviews now is like, wow. It's the most boss move of all time. Yeah, she really is. Not doing press is the most impressive thing of all time. God. So anyway, you don't remember that, but what point was I making?

Based on the filter, this had to be, like, 2009? I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know when she got this. Well, anyway, I feel like you. would pull a move like this. You would try something new that didn't land and you'd pretend it never happened. You think so? I think you have that in you.

What do you think of me? You have generally positive feelings about me? Hugely positive feelings about you. Insanely positive. I think you're a fraud. I think you're... These are all positives to me. No, I love you.

The fact that you have that... What I love about you is that you do have a measurable darkness in you and you keep it locked away. That you fight against... I feel that way about your goodness. Yeah. And that's why we're so beautiful together. That's why we're like a beautiful yin and yang.

No, that actually is so true. Your little dart of goodness is in there. And no matter how much scumbaggery you try to do, I see the little part of you that's just a sweet little boy from Baltimore. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And inside of me, you see a scumbag. Similarly, there's a scumbag waiting to get out. You think so.

Absolutely. And by the way, I think you let him out every once in a while. I think you let him out in your most private moments. That's really interesting. No one will ever know. I know. Some things are just for us, you know? Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

That's really interesting, Stav. Thank you. What a beautiful partnership we have. We do, it's the yin and yang. I'm really, I do want to get back to this idea that there's less tops than bottoms, though, that we started with. That sounds like something you'd want to get back to, yeah.

How did that happen? Do you know? Like, that too many gay guys? I don't know. What, like, why don't more guys just give it a whirl? I've also felt like, does this happen that you age into being a top? Because a couple of my friends have like gone from like...

Me personally, yeah. Oh, really? So maybe this is part of the process. The cocoon, the gay cocoon. Yes, the gay cocoon that you can shake out of. You can shake out of the bottom. First, there's a straight to gay cocoon. Yeah.

And then you get out of that, then you're a bottom to top cocoon. And then you go to the bottom to top cocoon. And then you fully get your wings. And then, yeah. And by the way, I know for a fact that eventually after you've bottom to top cocoon, there's a top toverse cocoon. Uh-huh. And you go, actually, I'm free to be whatever I want.

What is this even fucking mean? What does it mean? What are these labels even mean? The strict adherence to these roles. Yeah, why are we recreating being straight? Yeah, exactly. That's essentially what it is. What is it to be a top or a bottom?

How about I'm a human being? It's basic, it's so funny because it's like, it's basically one acts like a girl and one acts like a guy. I would be extremely careful. No, I know. But in the worst way. But what I'm saying is that's what I don't understand about it. No, what you're actually saying is extremely advanced gay guy criticism of gay guys,

and coming from you, it's going to hit some people the wrong way. Sure. But you're right. My idea, but that's the thing. That's what I'm saying. This is the goodness shining through. People are having a hard time, this coming from this mouth. They want to shoot the messenger.

But I don't understand. Like, truly that's what I want to understand. It's like, wait, but every, every, like, thing you're describing just seems to one for one be recreating heterosexual. A huge problem in the gay community. It's people recreating heterosexual dynamic. and then mapping them onto, it's a huge criticism that I think a lot of especially like trans and gender queer people

make about gay people. It's something they've tried to launch against me online but they don't know me. Of course. But yeah, it's a huge criticism. They'll get mad at me. You're here to serve. You're here to serve as a smoke grenade. I'm the sin eater for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take it all, dude. It's the meme with the fucking army guy and the sleeping child. I'm in the bassinet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're taking

like what, they've got like arrows and also like missiles. Just do it to me And watch Uncle Stav You know it'll really piss me off If you're mad at me Watching my special On Netflix Don't watch Uncle Stov on Netflix

Don't do it He'll love it He's lying to you guys It will only power him out Who side are you on? I'm lying Caleb told me to say that stuff I think everything gay guys do is right

And beautiful Stop no No you're right It is really interesting I think Top shortage I don't know where the top shortage That's really fascinating to me

Lesbians are going through it as well Really Lesbians are going through it as well They got a top shortage over there as well. Huh. I mean, that was running through my mind where you're talking about, how am I going to date a guy and we're hitting the buffet? I'm like, that is tough for other reasons.

Yeah, exactly. We're both hitting the buffet? I guess it's a lot of, I bet fat for fat relationships a lot of sucking each other off. That's called side. There's a name for that. Do you know that? Just sucking you off as a thing?

No anal, all oral. There's a name for it now, NK guys. All oral? Side. All or all the time, baby, 24-7. There's no penetrative intercourse? All oral all the time. time. These are sides. That's crazy.

That, to me, that's like going to a restaurant and only ordering sides. Yeah. I don't want a meal just a macaroni and cheese. Give me a main dish of some whole to fuck. You've never had a meal of all sides and been thrilled. Okay, that's a good point. Once in a while. Yeah. But how many times are I going out for tapas? Not many. Not many. Not many.

That's crazy to me that somebody doesn't fuck. There's a lot of guys getting into side stuff. Because guess what? Who has the time to not eat all day? And then power wash your asshole. That does seem rude. God should create a third hole for gay guys. And he put the prostate in there.

No, third. Yeah, yeah. Put the prostate in the third hole. Why do you put the fucking male pleasure center in the nasty place? Well, I think we know. I'm God. I don't do stuff like that. I think we know he's kind of sending a message.

Well, you know what's interesting. Okay. Stav. Hear me out, though. Yeah, good. In youth group, they made it. That was like an actual point. No, but in youth group, they made a big deal about being like,

they made a huge deal about because they were so straight and not thinking about gay people and also they were so denying themselves their own pleasure, our male youth pastors would be like, guys, we're not going to tell you sex doesn't feel good, okay? It does and it's supposed to. God wants you to feel good. Right. Never accounted for the fact that it feels good

to have stuff up there. To put some at your butt. Yeah. And you know, road trip, do you ever see the movie road trip? Of course I saw the movie road trip. There's a big part of, I try, to put, I tried to find my, like, the button in my ass. Yeah. Because a stifler nutted so hard. Yes. I gotta be honest, I didn't really care for it.

But I was a 13 year old. I think I put a candle up my ass trying to do, like, the stifler move. I don't think it's completely fair to put a candle up your ass when you're 13 and then say you weren't really into it. A girl one time put a finger up my ass and I did. That was, she was being a little too hasty, I think, maybe. Yeah. So maybe I'll give it another run.

But it would have to be like. I think it would have to be a nurse and it would have to be, it would have to be like road trip. I think I would need like a blonde nurse with her tits out. Putting a, putting a finger up my ass. I think I would have to start that way

and then open myself up to it. But I don't know, I don't know that I love the sensation. I'm a mom, a nurse, if a nurse knows what she's doing. Well, she would have to know where the prostate is. Yeah. I would need a professional to like push the button. I don't want to be rooting around in there.

There are plenty of professionals at that that are not meant. nurses. That's a good point. By the way. There's actually a more direct route to what you're asking for. Girls? A professional Oh yeah. All right. All right. You think a sex worker wouldn't know how to get your shit off? That's a great point. That's a great point. All right.

She would dial the fuck in. You know, you know, like in a heist movie when they bring in the person to put the stethoscope on the thing and go, that would be a sex worker dialing in on your prostate. Yeah. Ear to my ass like a sea shell. Yeah. The door open. Tapping my nuts.

Tapping my nuts. Tapping my nuts. Like, mm, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ta-da-da-da-ta-da-ta-da-da. All right, maybe I'll check it out. When I sat up, I kicked up all kinds of dander.

Did you see that? It's got to be coming up on the camera. I missed it. Oh, I want you to have that. I want you to have all kinds of happiness in your life. I see so many beautiful things for you. How about this? Tell me.

I'll get somebody to put a finger up my ass if you do mushrooms in a meadow. Oh, I thought you were going to say sleep with girls. No. Okay. Yeah, you're as scared as that as I am. I think actually this is actually a perfect one for one. Okay. Because I, there's something in my case.

You're worried you're gonna unlock something you can't undo. Exactly. Wow. Wow. Stop. You're worried about your brain. I'm worried about my ass. Yeah.

She finds a polyp. Oh, fuck. Caleb, thank you. You saved my life. Yeah, so I don't know. My gay friend was like, you should be doing butt stuff. and I paid a nurse to get in there and just thank God we found it early

because if my gay friend hadn't been so pushy about that I'd be six feet under in a pine box right now. That's right, that's right. That's beautiful, man, and maybe, you know, maybe... No, but get checked. You should be getting checked. I will, yeah, I literally... Hey, all jokes aside.

Hey, all jokes aside. You got a prostate exam? I don't get to that age, you know? Because you're getting up there. I am. Yeah, so I'm not living good. These have been tough years. Well, it's a lot of processed meats.

I know that. Oh, yeah. And same here. A lot of that. I want to get one. I asked my primary care doctor if he would refer me for a prostate exam. And he was like, huh? At 31, what do you think for?

And I was like, uh, fear and anxiety and I want to know. And he was like, okay. Interesting. Which was cool of him. And he did and you're all clean? I haven't done it yet. I'm scared to get it. Huh.

I don't, like I said, I don't want people up there. Sure. Seems like work. I know that you, you know what it is. This is a big problem. This is a big fat guy answer. Yeah. I think you can't eat for like a day.

And I'm trying to find a day when it'd be. good for me to not eat. That's annoying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A whole day I can't eat. The whole day is tough. You need to drink some shit liquid. You have to drink some shit liquid. You have to shit a bunch. I'm like, when do I have the win-win. Yeah. But I want to do it. Okay. All right, well, maybe I'll do it too. We'll come next time I'm on. We'll read our, we'll read our... Do you know it be really fun? Yeah. Stop. We've been talking about going on a writer's retreat. Let's go on a retreat where we take a little mushrooms. Okay. Don't eat for a day.

Drink the shit liquid. Get prostate exams. Yep. And when you're coming out of your prostate exam, maybe they fuck around with your... When I'm clean. Yeah. When I'm ready to go. You're cleaned up. Yep. We ask one of those nurses.

Hey. Wait, we ask a nurse at the hospital? You don't think so. I think we go back to your sex worker idea. Okay. And we get a sex worker to dress like a nurse. We get a sex worker who's dressed like a nurse. And you can be there, you can't.

Whatever you want to do. I would like to meet her. Yeah. Maybe we have one of those like giving birth, like, curtains. Yeah. And I'm just, you're holding my hand. I'm like, you're doing so good. You're doing so good, buddy.

And then afterwards we go to the fucking local Chinese buffet. And then we fill back up. Me, you and the nurse. I love that. That sounds awesome. She comes to the Chinese buffet. I would love that. For a job well done.

I think absolutely. Yeah. I would love to do that. Yeah. And she can change into street clothes before the buffet. Yeah, she doesn't have to dress as it like a nurse. She doesn't have to go as the nurse. No.

In fact, I'd prefer. it'd be a little peat. What is she, what does she dress like when she's off? I'd like to see. Oh yeah, let's just see what her day to day is like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then we get to know her, we've made a new friend. Yeah, you know, I love this idea. We've become really close with her. Hopefully. Fuck, and we all hang out a lot. We have her eventually

on the podcast. She comes on yours, mine. That's how we have a child. We put we put jizz in like a Russian roulette thing and she picks one, and we don't know who's is who. And we probably wouldn't be able to tell facially. We'd find out in like five to seven years of the kid being alive. Yeah. Don't you think around five or seven?

the kid would make it known if it was yours or mine? See, I think it's the... Possibly, but I think like 50% of the outcomes will never be able to tell. You're telling me that kid's precocious and you don't assume it's mine? You don't think I was precocious? You were precocious?

I was very precocious. Really? Yeah. I had to fight many of my precocious desires because I, again, was trying to put myself into... It's the little good. You had to hide the little good. You had to hide the little good.

I had to pretend I like death mess. I had to pretend, you know. I didn't have to pretend I liked doing drugs. But starting to do drugs was a little scary. And I had to pretend I wasn't gay to present precocious. That's right. And that was my little deviance. Instead of just gay, is that what you mean?

Yeah. Precocious. But is that true? Yeah, gay kids have actually a leg up on being precocious. Yeah. Because basically it's just being gay. Oh, okay. What does precocious mean?

Maybe I'm being very offensive. Can we pull it up? I don't think you're being evensive at all. It's like proper. Percocious is like, well-behaved and like within the boundaries. Oh, oh, I thought it meant the opposite. Let's pull up the technical definition. I thought it was like being a little devil.

Oh, you thought it was ornery? I thought it was being like kind of ornery and like kind of... Showing mental development skills, maturity much earlier than usual. I was precocious actually. Yeah, but were you also, you were ornery. That's what you thought. Well, I was just, I was a little stinker too. Well, also, why does ornery, why is it pronounced onri?

Is that just where I'm from? He's onry. Yeah. How about with boss? some of this beachfront property. You're making me honor. Put a Costco up in them deals. Let's make a deal.

Let's make a deal. It's worker-owned, you see. We don't need that turtle reservation. We need a Texas roadhouse here. Dude. You just ignited me. You just ignited me. The way I was at a Texas roadhouse

one week ago. Hell yeah, dude. Oh, my God. That place fucking rocks. See, I'm a Chili's guy in terms of that type of... There's no need to choose. I think on... You eventually cocoon from top to verse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You eventually cocoon from a Chili's guy to a Texas Roadhouse and Chili's guy. Okay, okay. Oh, that's being open-hearted. That's being fat versus Chili's and Texas Roadhouse. Yeah. I'll do both. Yeah.

Do both. When you don't get to go that often, you become a kind of guy who, whichever one I come across. I will say Chili's and Outback Steakhouse were my big ones. Can I tell you something beautiful to happen to me? Mm-hmm. I told my friends in L.A. Meet me at the beach at sunset. I'm going to be swimming.

Swim with me. Yeah. We did that. Love that. Swim for two hours at sunset. I told you about those. Awesome. Got out of the water.

We're hungry. Yeah. Guess what? We're 30-minute drive from the Chili's. I say everybody dry off and get in the car. We're going to Chili's. We go to Chili's, dude. We take down a triple dipper, some chips and salsa.

I go home. I have the craziest heartburn of my life. Of course. It's hard to get to sleep. I'm in pretty much pain. Yeah, yeah. Can't do shit like that anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I smiled with my heartburn. Absolutely. I did this. That's like an old friend. Chili's heartburn is an old. old friends. Well, I used to do that every night of the week. Now I do it once a year and I smile while I struggle to

sleep. Salute. Yeah, it's beautiful. And that's when I said the drugs come in. You take so many drugs. You don't even know you have heartburn. You pass out. Drugs are getting you off of heartburn. Yeah. Oh, my back pain. I don't feel any of it because I'm floating every night. Yeah. Every night I'm like, I guess on 200 milligrams of weed, you would be. Well, like I said,

we're down to 70-ish right now. That's crazy. I took two milligrams at the concert. At the Jack Johnson concert. And I felt, I wouldn't say I felt stoned, but I felt nice. Yeah.

I'll get back there. Once I'm done with everything, I'm going to go sober again. I'm going to get into the zone again. But, you know, I have a beautiful fall. Yeah. A beautiful autumn.

Sober in sweaters, searching for my wife. Yeah. Doing mushrooms with you, getting stuff up my ass. It's going to be, I have a nice October-November planned right now. I'm so scared because the last time

we had a beautiful conversation, we hung out a couple months ago and we had this beautiful conversation about you settling down and you said you know I really think it's coming up I think I'm gonna I think I'm headed that way I'm kind of done with my messing around ways and I left that conversation with a smile on my face saying my boy

he's on the straight and narrow and you text me the next morning and you said hey brother bad news that hot waging chick with the big tits came over last night I'm back and I think I was like I'm back I was like fuck that it's actually

awesome to fuck hot girls Oh, damn it. Yeah, that is true. And that's why fear is going to happen this fall. I'm going to be expecting you to be at a pumpkin patch with a beautiful young woman in like an ankle-length skirt and a cardigan. Yeah. And then you're going to bring her like bottle girls to my dinner or something.

I'm going to be so sad. Wow, someone's being classist. Yes. The bottle girl. That's the message I'm going to take from this. That's why I were you to take from this. Chance cut this. Chance cut everything from four-length skirt through classism.

It's my show, bitch. Chance cut it all. It stays, Chance. I've been recording this whole time. It's been live streaming, so you can't cut anything. We stand on separate sides of the room and ask Chance to come to one of us. Chance Pitch, Chance. Chance.

Chance. He would have a hard time. Yeah, I get that. He wishes he works for you. Of course. I mean, chance wishes he worked for you. The luckiest man on earth is Elders. Yeah.

Elders lucked into the best job of all time because his friend got accidentally famous. Yeah. And so, yes, I get that. I, you know, you're doing good here, but, you know, Eldis unfortunately has He does have to do more work, but he has a better life, I would say. Yeah, he does.

I don't know if he has a better life. I don't know if I would go that far. I think so, unfortunately. Chance gets treated pretty well here. He doesn't get hit? Look, do I abuse Eldis verbally? Yes. But again, it's the easiest job. I mean, not the easiest, but he just, he's fine.

You and Chance just smoke weed with his best friend forever. You and Chance actually wouldn't be a great pair because Chance is extremely sensitive. He's a sweet boy. No, totally. Totally. Eldis, to his credit, it's like a pack, he's like a pack mule. I know, I said some stuff to Eldis. Yeah.

I'm like, I can't believe you didn't react to that. Doesn't phase him. And he just gave him a target, he'll go. He'll go poorly. He won't make any, like, decisions on his own. Don't, don't expect him to, to, like, if you told him like, hey, eldest, walk there and the door was locked, he would just, like a fucking video game character, would be like, something's wrong with the door. You'd have to unlock the door,

but, you know, he's got a great, he's got it all set up. Press A three times, God damn it. Press A. No, I get that. I get that. No, chance would be happier with you, I think. But he would be in pain as well because he would be hurt. His feelings would get hurt.

It's true. I'm pretty good to Chance. No, no, I am pretty ruthless to Elders. It's true. But I'm only like that because we have that kind of relationship. He's truly my best friend. We've known each other since kindergarten. And to the flip side is he can also,

it's awesome having him around because there's no way to start acting like a fucking big shot when this guy's known you since you were like literally five years old. Right. You know, it's like I actually like being kept honest with like my closest friends around me

because like I don't, this shit creeps into you. Yeah. People treat, when you start acting, they treat you so way better than they deserve, than actors deserve. Yeah.

And it's only because they're so unreliable. Like everybody has like, someone's assigned to you and you think like, oh, that's like my, you know, if you're a piece of shit, you're like, well, that's my personal butler. I can get them to do anything I want. Really what it is is they don't trust you to be there when they need you to be there.

So some 20-year-old kid's job is to like be your handler essentially. So what it turns out to be if you're responsible is kind of annoying. Annoying, yeah, yeah. Like it's their job to come around and knock on your door. I've told PAs that have worked, like, that are the set, PA's in movies where I'm like,

I know what you deal with. I love you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do not knock on my door 30 minutes before you need me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I will be ready on time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just because that's the thing that drives me crazy, is I'm like, when I'm getting the, this guy won't show up treatment, I'm like, I promise you, I'm gonna come when you ask. But if you're dumb, you could think that's pampering. Right, right? There's a lot of things that happen with, that trick you into thinking you're more important than you are

when you start getting a little success. And I like that my dumb, I like that my dumb friend is responsible for some, like, essentially eldest, an idiot, is in a, charge of a multi-million dollar entertainment company. Yeah. Right? That's funny to me.

He's a CEO. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a she-o. And that's how I want my business run. I don't want it efficient. And I want the CEO to tell me I'm being a fucking idiot. Yeah. I want when I'm like, I'm like, like, there was one specific time

where I was like trying to, trying on a shirt for not this special, the last special. And I was like, hey, this shirt kind of fits. Didn't fit at all. I was completely in denial at how much, how fucking, how hard I'd hit the ribs. You know what I mean? leading up to the special, and I'd pick the shirt out, and I was like, yeah, I could kind of do that.

He was like, yeah, I'm sure you could. And then he, like, starts poking my fat. He starts poking the fat coming between the buttons. Taking the marker being, like, oh, sure. He sits you on a washing machine. He's giving me the sorority girl of a hazing treatment, basically, like, all my imperfections. I like that my best friend can just be like,

shut up. You know, like, I like that he can talk to me that way, whereas, like, if I just, you know, if I just hired a competent person, it would never happen that way. I've never hired a competent person in my life. It's the best. Yeah, yeah.

We hired the first competent person who actually was a PA on the movie I worked with Kyla. We hired her, like I hired her as my assistant. And it actually is crazy to have somebody that's good at her job work for me.

I'm like, huh? You did the thing I mentioned offhand but didn't double and triple check with you to do? She's like, yeah, it's my fucking job. I was like, I almost started fucking crying. She really is like, Like hiring one competent person, it's like, it's like eldest looking at her as like the dinosaurs

looking at the meteor. You know what I? It's like, he should be fucking scared. He should be fucking scared right now. Oh, shit. Oh, stop. What else you want to talk about? What's going on with you? What do you want to know about?

What do you need to get off your chest? You know what I was thinking about the other day? Yeah. Was you how nice it is, how nice it would be to have you back here after I've seen you on all these places you don't belong. Ditto. I see you on these fucking late night talk shows and New York Times podcast and I go, bring my boy home.

I need to be here, man. I need to be here pontificating on the top shortage. Get him in the So Trudeo talking about his G spot or whatever. I can't believe they're asking about the Manosphere on the New York Times podcast. I know. It is so sad how fucking bad culture is right now where it's like I'm a guy they ask about politics. It's like, why aren't we asking me? Can you ask me about my art The jokes about busting fast, please?

I crafted these jokes about busting quickly for years And not nary a mention of them And instead they're being like, um, so, um, you know, the Rogan sphere And it's like, geez, come on, man, shut the fuck up. I don't care. But there you are doing it. I know, I know, but you know, I don't, I'm not, uh, I'm not a role model. Please do not look at me for anything.

Simply watch the special. That's all I asked. If we have a message today. If we have a message, I'm a piece of shit, don't fucking listen to shit. But put on the special for an hour. Don't on Uncle Stav.

Don't want Uncle Stav. He gets back in points for every view. I do, yeah, yeah. Caleb's getting a couple points on the back end. He doesn't know this. Yeah, yeah. No, I get, I just needed to go well. But yeah, I don't know, dude.

I'm just, uh... It's so funny because it's... It is tough because now I'm trying... I have to talk about shit so much. And I have nothing to say. Mm-hmm. I'm so, like... My brain is so empty.

All I want to do is get fucking high. Stumble into movie theater. Watch them fucking... I watched Camp Miasma. Great. Had a great time. Yeah. Slasher.

You know what I mean? They're a great filmmaker. How did you say? Schoenberg. Jane. Jane. So imaginative. I did like a classic New York thing

where I was like, I have no plan. I'm going to walk. Saw that they were showing Camp Miasma. I was like, great. I'm fucking stoned as fuck. Get in there.

Watch it. Have a good time. That's all. And then I went home. immediately I was like fuck that was an interesting ass movie I want to see how this filmmaker got there immediately watched I saw the TV glow I hadn't seen it yet

I love doing shit like that where there's no plan and you just stumble into a day and then you get dinner with a friend who saw it you talk about the fucking have ramen say what you like what you didn't like and by the way Jane in that film for not a fat person made one of the fattest directorial choices I've ever seen the KFC

the homage to dipping sauce dipping sauce is incredible and how how clearly how clearly the character's sexual desires were sublimated through the dip in. Come on. And the way they each ate was the way they fuck. Hannah Ironbinder reacting to a platter of KFC.

Yeah. I mean, I can't, we got to chill. I got, there's certain stuff I can't, I don't want to be in public talking about. Yeah, no words. It's hot girls talking, getting horny about KFC. Hey, that's a tough one for me to be on record about. Come on.

Well, you were so on a roll there. I thought we were in a safe zone. Thank God they didn't put bare tities plus KFC in the same scene. I struggle to think of what might have happened in that theater. That would have been really tough for me. I would have had to leave the theater immediately. Yeah, instead it was chicken, a bunch of murder.

They gave me a nice murder. They gave me a nice murder break for my dick to get less hard. Yeah, from the KFC. Two beautiful women destroy KFC. I mean, again, shout out. Yeah, Jane really created a movie that works for many different types of people on many different horny levels. Beautiful, beautifully done.

It reached both of our desks. That's an accomplishment in cinema. It really did. Yeah. And also, but anyway, that's the type of shit I want to do. I actually, I am a completely empty vessel right now. I have poured everything into Uncle Stavve, the stand-up special.

I actually have nothing to say I have no desires. All I want is to just have experiences like that. Start back from the building block. Fried chicken, tittyes, and kind of go from there. Yeah. The two of them... The fucking basics. To me, the food pyramid, the food pyramid to me,

fried chicken and tities is the longest one. Yeah. And then everything, and then vegetables are the... very top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you get those every day, yeah, yeah. And some days you make it to vegetables and water.

Right, right. Good. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Water, water's like here. Yeah. Water's like in the second one, but Titties fried chicken, desserts,

breakfast cereals, water, vegetables. Yeah, I love, that's a big treat for me is just crushing breakfast cereals. Really? Like the sweet ones you weren't allowed to have

as a little cute. You're going in on those. And sometimes I like to get mixtures going. I'm actually pissed because I've been trying not to do so many. I've gotten to, there's something at my age or my body that if I have sweets after a certain hour, I get heartburned

before bed. And so I don't keep sweets in the house anymore. And this is what I'm saying by losing weight being an accident where it's like, I'm not trying to get thin, I'm just doing things. Your body's attacking you finally. Hello. Your body's taking the matters into its own hands. And saying, hey, we're going to make it impossible for you to enjoy your lifestyle. That's what happened when I fucking lost my tooth.

This tooth, like, I could my body was basically like, all right man. Because what happened was something called tooth resorts. which is your body starts absorbing the tooth and like just eats the tooth and I think what happened is my body was like all right well he's not going to stop eating so we're taking shit back let's take his teeth

yeah you know what I mean like and I think your body's doing that with heart burning sweets it's like fuck it every time you see every time you see a twizzler fucking shoot up that give him the Chili's treatment pain give him the triple dipper treatment every time you see it's just a dispatcher going sin pain he's eyeing a cosmic brownie at 11 p.m. Sin pain

They should let us do fat. What's the movie where they have all the Elemental? No. Fucking, um, Osmosis Jones? No, no, no, no. Oh, shit. No, but it is a similar idea. Inside out. Yeah. We should do fat inside out. We should do fat inside out for sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My point was I had a fat friend staying at my house, and she left. And when I got home, there was fucking fat people food in the cabinets again. This fat bitch... This fat ungrateful bitch left cocoa pebbles in my cabinets. That whore left her trough full. I came home stoned from the bar and saw them and I was like, no. If I had seen that, I would have started ascending like the whale at the end. I'd be like, oh.

It was like, I'd hear the halo music. I'm like, yes. It was truly like if I was depressed and she left like a loaded gun in the cabinet. Just in case. I didn't use it, but you could. I was like, you were even cocoa pebbles in my cabinet? Awesome. You thought of us.

Here's what I love to do. Coco Pebble Base. Then we need like, Coco Pebbles. No, Coco Pebbles, that's the sprinkles, basically, right? The base would be like a honey cheques. Sure. You want something with a little, or you could go like a Cheerios variant. Yeah.

Right? Like something that feels healthy, right? Apple Cheerios, cinnamon, cinnamon life cereal. Just something that has a little bite to it too, you know? And then you want to go. with, you want to go with something that's more, like a, like, a, a little more panache, right? Coco, not a Coco pebble, but a cocoa puff.

This is where, this is, the second layer is the puff layer. Yeah, right? Cap and crunch with a little marshmallow. I mean, I don't even have to explain it. You fucking get it immediately. And then we finish off with a flaky, with a fruity pebble, with a cocoa pebble. Yeah.

With maybe even like some, oh, you know, sometimes could be a good base, special K with chocolate in it. Yeah. You know, some of that. But we ended, we end flakybleble. We go puff, and then we have a... Can I just say that if you're doing the special K with the chocolate,

that you mix it with Reese's puffs? Yes. Would that fucking kill you right away? And then you throw the cocoa fucking pebbles up top. Hello? Are you fucking... That's beautiful, man. Milk, milk, big.

And not the good, not the good for you kind without the lactose or any of that shit. Full fat, regular milk from a cow. Oh my God. This morning. And here's what I like to do? Let it fucking simmer a little bit. What's that? Let it soften a little bit.

You're getting it mushy? I'd leave just, but here's a thing. just to the point where it still has bite. You can't let it over mush. Yeah. It's a very specific time frame. It's a time frame. It's a time frame.

It's a dance. You have to dance. I fucked up the other day. I was making bacon. And it ended up taking longer than I thought it would. And I'd already poured the milk in the cereal. So by the time the bacon finished, the cereal had become mush into mush. Yeah.

And it was really, really not good for me. That's brutal. I'd still take the cereal down. I'd still figure it. Yeah. Yeah. I did it. It was just a bowl of special K.

Yeah. Oh, okay. That's another thing now is I try to make my treats. Like, I go, oh, it's special K. You don't have to be felt. You don't have to feel bad about this. Special K is a treat? Doesn't give me heartburn.

It was breakfast. It wasn't a treat. It was like the fundamental meal of my day. To me, cereal is a fake. It's not a breakfast food. It's a treat. Well, that's because you're eating fucking cocoa pebble. No, no.

I think big cereal is fucking ruined your mind. At no point you... You think big cereal's ruined my mind? Yeah. You don't know shit about my mind. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I really do.

I think you have fallen into the paradigm where they say this shit is healthy. Grains with milk is never healthy. Special K is not too bad for you, I don't think. Go fuck out of here with special K. I don't think it's too bad with some turkey bacon. Get eggs and turkey bacon and toast. You can't tell me that's not a balanced breakfast.

Have toast. I have toast with bananas. I have turkey bacon. On this day, I had a little bowl of oil, and I have some low acid, no pulp orange juice. And ask me why it has to be low acid, stov. Heartburn. Because of my fucking heartburn.

Heartburn. I'm sick. I'm 31 years old. And I'm being attacked by heartburn. Yeah. It's disgusting. I would say this, like I said, your body's giving you signals. Yeah, look, what the universe wants from us and what's probably going to happen is that you and I both become bodacious.

We're going to be so sexy. Sexy. I do for as old. I do want to get big arms. I don't want to be not fat, but I do want to fucking. I can't have you feel my muscles on here. I've done it too many times. That's fine.

When the camera's cut. I'll feel them. I'll let you feel my muscles and my legs. Yeah. You can feel my legs anytime you want to. Bro, first of all, who are you talking? I'm the calf god. I won't even pull them out

because you'll get fucking calf dysmorphia dude. Mine are better than that. Fuck no. You're out of your fucking mind. You're out of your fucking mind. Let the people decide. What you calf up?

Good fucking luck. Dude. Good fucking luck getting out. Slap your shit, dude. You're no shit about these guys. Dude, you're fucking out. Do you notice when you slapped yours and had a jiggle?

Mine doesn't move. Yeah, because I have fucking... That's elastic. My shit can fucking, my shit can't even adjust to the, you know what I mean? Mine doesn't need to. It's fucking...

rock solid. And let me tell you another thing. If Nicole were to charge at me right now. If Nicole would come over her table, I would grab her by the side of the head and put her to the ground so fucking quick and use my leg to Oh, that's cool. To pin down the arm so that there was no punching back. Of course. I could fight Nicole, no problem. I agree with that. I don't know what that has to do with our calves.

That you could assault your employee. Yeah. It has a lot to do with my calves. If I have a weak calves, she might charge me and win. I see. But because of my calves, I'm going to get an angle on her I could put her to the ground. I see. I've had this thought where I don't know that you could, but, you know, I'd love to figure that out someday.

I can't wait until she finally does attack you. I do think someday she will. That's going to be awesome. I've had this thought ever since fucking my backup. I've understood why people have guns now. Okay. Because, like, now that I've heard, let's say I was in an assault situation, right?

And I'm not going to get a gun, right? Let me just say that. Okay. But before I fucked my backup, I always had that, like, dumb, like, male idea that it's like, look, I'm not going to fight anybody, but should push come to show. I could tap into a secret well of alpha energy

and fuck anybody up, right? That I've been building up by being polite to people that are rude to me in public. Every time I haven't gone off on a guy that stepped too close to me on the sidewalk, that was me reserving it. That was me reserving the energy. Every time I couldn't make eye contact with a waitress because she forgot my extra serving.

of bacon, that was me reserving it. I'm saving that for an intruder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I always had that and I always, you know, I run my mouth too much, I'll talk shit. And now I'm realizing like, oh, because my bag is fucked up, I would just automatically lose every fight. Like in the past, that was obviously still true, but in my head I didn't believe it.

Right? But now that I'm like, if I, I either have to stop talking shit or I need a weapon. That's what I realized. Yeah. And look, I'm not getting a gun, but not, I'll just say Get a gun. Yeah, I do, I mean, first of all, how cool with like a pearl, like a pearl handle pistol?

It looks nice. In your sock, yeah. My sock, a little ankle, yeah. No, no, I don't want to fight you. I'm just going to surrender. I'm just surrendering. Yeah, yeah. I'm fucking surrendering my ankle, really.

It's just fuck you. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, yeah, something like that. It's strapped in too tight. Yeah, yeah, I'm like, hold on. One second. She's just beating the fuck out of me. He just caved my skull in with a trash can

while I'm bending over to pick up my gun. No, I got to stop hanging out with lesbians for real because the point of getting a gun these lesbians are coming over to my house and at every turn talking to me about the grid going down and us having to like, I just can't, it's like

but they won't, I'm not supposed to get a gun. What's the answer? Either the grid's going down and we're all fucked. I think I want to get a gun. I know you want to get a gun. That's why I'm giving you, I'm telling you, there's never been a better time to be a person with good politics who wants a gun. You're right. A lot of people that used to be like, oh, that's horrible or now kind of being like whatever you need to do.

Well, I'm scared of obviously having a and, you know, killing myself. That's kind of the main worry. Just don't do it. But sometimes it seems like a great idea. Killing yourself? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, the gun is probably, that's a little too violent.

I probably would just... That's not how you'd do it. No. And I know that about you. No, it would have to be... It would have to be... It would have to be... Because I couldn't...

If I did... If I took drugs... Like, I know the feeling of taking too many edibles and regretting it. But I would go to a hospital and have them pump my stomach in between. Yeah. couldn't take pills. I would need to like, I don't know. Jump or something or like...

Yeah, don't do. Well, you'd have to make it away. It's not going to inconvenience everybody, though. No, but you want to make it about you. Yeah. Maybe I'd be a classic stuff. Maybe how about... You find out when an enemy has a very important meeting and you jump in front of their train. I think that'd be awesome. Or kill yourself in front of your enemy. Oh, true. You did

this. Oh! You know what I mean? This was you! And they're fucked. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Unfortunately, Stav, you can never kill yourself because too many people would be delighted now. Yeah. Like, that's just the thing about being a guy. Like, there's going to be some people that are celebratory.

You can't have them dancing on your grave. It's more the, it's more the, like, accident factor of a gun. Like, I don't think I'd ever actually kill myself. But I think what I would do is be high and be like, oh, what if I fucking kill one? Hey, fuck you. And I would just be shooting my friends as a joke. And then I forget there's one bullet in the chamber. And I'm like, oh, ha, bam.

Yeah. And there goes labor. weekend for everybody. Yeah, I see that. I see that happening. But, you know, I do like the idea of being of maybe as you're abandoning lesbians, I think this is my year of... You pick them up?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, they need a guy like us around. I just don't. I think we're really missing out on, I have been very... I'm jealous culturally of what gay guys and straight girls get. Why don't straight guys and lesbians get a similar dynamic? I think a lot of them do. And I think it's time for me to just jump

in there, really. I think you jump in there. And I think, you know, if anything ever happened to you, Stav, I would be destroyed. Thank you, man. You know, I text you yesterday because you post that stupid fucking memorial bit. I would say what I posted was genius guerrilla marketing. You post that stupid guerrilla marketing. You post that stupid memorial bit, and I text you and said, you know, you're too big to be acting like this. Right, and that's where the internalized fat phobia shows.

Oh, I thought being, you could be healthy, fat as shit. Who said anything about healthy? You'll note, I said sexy. you'll note I said sexy I'm under no delusions about my 2016 to 2017 wait

yeah sure sure my last year of college some things occurred that should not have occurred health-wise sure sure sure the mix of depression not walking anywhere and access to student loans

that I had led to some diabolical food choices that I will pay for you basically you made yourself feel for a year? Dude, worse. I didn't even do cool shit like that. I went to a place called Huat.

A Mongolian grill for every meal that I could convince someone to go. I will say I at least had the good sense to be like, if you find yourself there alone it's too far, I would go and have... The Mongolian grill is like where you pick out the stuff and they grill it up for you. Yeah, and I would do three plates and the plates are not small. I would do like heaping plates. Go home so miserable. I couldn't do anything for hours.

But that feels nice. As someone who has been in that zone, it feels nice finding your restaurant that's gonna drive you you're an abusive relationship with one meal basically and it feels good it feels really good to know

how good it's gonna hit yeah you're like fuck there will be there will be 10 minutes of this day that are incredible the rest of them will be horrible on either side of it it will be bad but those

tend to if we stretch it out 17 minutes because even by plate one and a half you're already full you feel bad you're just still the worst is when you're chasing the dragon Yes, when you're in line already mad at yourself,

you haven't even gotten the food, you're like, this is gonna fucking suck. You're like, this isn't the one. Where it's like, that's what I call like fat purgatory. Yeah. Where you really want to go to hell. Yeah. But you can't even find the choice.

Yeah. So now, like, I did this where I was like, I was really fucking high and I just couldn't land on anything. And I ended up ordering like, fucking $80 of bad Italian food. Yeah. I was just eating pasta. Yeah.

I had a fucking plastic containers by myself. Yeah. $80 worth of it. Yeah. I was like, I didn't know what I wanted. I got all of it. Tough. Yeah, I didn't know what I wanted

and I convinced myself I'd save some for lunch tomorrow. So I went ahead and got four entrees. Exactly. And then, if you're lucky, you never have it again. If you're not lucky, you wake up and you legitimately have it,

not for lunch, for breakfast. And you just warm up, fuck, you put some tagletelli, some fucking lasagna, the meatballs, you fucking mix it up into a fucked up,

a fucked up little casserole taste like shit, you still eat it. And in your head, you're like, well, it's fucking per. Meatballs have protein.

Yeah. It's good. I mean, what's the difference between this and bacon? Nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the difference between is a big fat guy conundrum?

What's the difference between this and? Here's the most classic one for me is when I started, what's the differencing chicken tenders instead of fries? Yeah. Because I was like, I was like, well, listen, they're both fried.

Yeah. Right? You have a side of fries or a side of chicken tenders. Yeah. So if I get a burger, yeah. What's the difference? What's the difference in?

In fact, you might be able to say, the chicken bread. is healthier. It has protein, whereas the potato does not. And then, of course, you do that one time and then the second time you get chicken tender's burger and fries. Very quickly, you're like, well, then I'll get a small fry. What's the difference is the key question for the fact guy? And the answer is, there's a huge difference. There's always a gigantic

difference. Yeah. Well, you know, weed bread and French toast, it's both bread. They're both bread. You know what I mean? It's like... That's me at Portillo's in Chicago deciding between a chocolate chip cookie and a cake shake. What's the difference? About 2,700 calories, my friends. But the form factor is very important. You know what I mean?

You're like, what's it there between this chicken sandwich and, you know, fucking a whole family meal. You know what I mean? Like, wasn't there just been one grilled chicken sandwich and like, you know, a bunch of nuggets? And a bucket of fried chicken. And a bucket of chicken, yeah. It's awesome.

I think you know what time it is. You want to get some fried chicken after this? Fuck, I wish. And actually maybe. I literally might go get fried chicken right now. No, you know it's time for a week. Oh, hell yeah. You still owe me $50, you piece of shit.

Where's my money? You owe me my back end on this upcoming special. Cheapskate. You ready? Yeah. All right. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false.

If you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 U.S. dollars. No, you won't. Because I already fucking got it right last time. You don't know that. I didn't pay me, motherfucker. We don't. pay, but we send a guest pay. Do you accept it? Do you accept the guest pay?

Don't try and flip this on me. Give me a fucking crisp $50 bill. How about that, you motherfucker? You're like the Democrats who are like, everything's got to be means tested. You got to fucking do, you got to do, you got to do, you got to apply for food stamps. How about we just

feed the people, Caleb? Yeah. How about we just give winners $50 and don't make them jump through your fucking hoops? Yeah, okay. You know what you're doing. You've created a bureaucratic nightmare to keep me away from my $50. You know, this is why people talk shit on you behind your back so often. All right. Yeah.

The Wizard of Oz won the Oscar for Best Picture. True. False. The Arctic Ocean is the smallest ocean. True. True. Randy Orton was discharged from the Marines for going AWOL. False.

True. The modern helicopter was invented in 1949. True. False. 1939. Mary Ansenek is the current principal of John Rura Elementary. false? True. She won't return my fucking emails, by the way.

That's the elementary school I went to and I'm trying to do a fucking pro, I'm trying to give back and they won't let me. It's blood money. We don't want your podcasting dollars. These are working class kids. The atomic number of boron is four. Fuck, hydrogen is one. False. False. Five.

Honda is older than Toyota. True. False. The red hot chili peppers. released two full albums in 2022. True? True. White beaked dolphins are the largest dolphin species. False. False. It's orcas. Astoria Queens was named after Peter Francis Aster.

False. It's John Jacob Astor. China has more lakes than any other country. True. False. It's Canada. Morris Chestnut once owned two Hyundai dealerships. I'm going to say true. That is true. The Amazon River flows east to west. Yes. True. False. It's west to east.

The U.S. Constitution was signed in 1787. No, false. True. Greece's motto is freedom or death. Yes, that is true. True. How do you? Seven. Oh, stop.

Oh, stop. Those were all... Hucked in. Helicopter 10 years off is bullshit. It's bullshit. He's a bad guy and a villain. I crushed it last time, though. Whatever. Who cares?

You did crush it last time. I guess we'll just call it even on the 50 bucks. That's not how that shit works. You were gonna give me 100. Nice try. And you know for a second? I was like, that seems fair. He's a good guy.

He's a friend of mine. Hey, that's good. We'll call it even. Yeah, all right. Let's just get out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get out of it while we can. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, stop. All right. Tell people where they can find you, how they can support Uncle Stahl. Um, Netflix, baby. Not, you know, watch Uncle Stav. Please, I worked very hard on it. We have a bunch of other shit.

You know, I got my... We did a tour documentary, actually. There's seven episodes of this entire tour. It was like over two years long. It kept getting extended because I broke my arm. I did a bunch of shit. So we did it to our doc. Um, so that's there.

Watch tires. Watch Tony. All that, all that good shit, baby. I had, what about a fucking so true? What's your so true? I, my so true is live, laugh, love. They were cooking with that. Dude.

Live laugh love is so true. Yeah. It's true as fuck. Say that again. It's, I, I was, I was like, Because think about it. Living is awesome. Say it. Yeah. Loving.

Gotta be number one. The best. Yeah. Laughing. Gotta be number one. When you're with your friends. What do you want to do other than laugh? Bust a nut and just experience everything. And by the way.

Interesting that busting a nut is loving to you. That's one of, that's a type. That's a type of loving. There's erotic love. There's filial love. There's paternal, maternal love. You know? There's a lot of different options.

Platonic love. And think about the opposite of live laugh love, by the way. Think about that. Oh my God. Die. die, cry, hate. Die, cry, hate. Fuck that.

And we'd like to make fun of that because it's like it's, it's become a, it's a wine o'clock somewhere type of thing. It's a wine mom thing. It's making fun of. And by the way,

crushes eat prey love. Crushes. Get prayer out of my fucking. I'm not praying for shit. Fuck pray. Fuck that. Eat and love, all right,

maybe, but eat is part of live. Yeah. Eat is part of live. It's in the umbrella of live. And to me, I'm just like, fuck, it's corny as fuck, but that's how much I've been

beaten down by having to actually work. That's how much achieving my dreams has negatively affected me personally, is that I am now saying, you know what, live laugh, love is right. Live laugh, love. Those motherfuckers, that, whatever middle-aged woman came up with that, I tip my cap to her, I'm trying to live,

I'm trying to laugh, I'm trying to love. Don't look into it because it was, we would probably find with a little bit of research that it was done by like Shell Gas Corporation to promote like driving to the lake or something. It's like Hobby Lobby, it's deeply homophobic probably. But it's probably not. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what? It's probably not because we're not going to look into it. We have the origins of live laugh, love. Now I want to look into it. The phrase, it comes from a 1904 poem titled Success by Bessie Anderson Stanley. Wow. Shout out to Betsy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's not look into her. Yeah, Betsy was trying to get slavery reversed in the 1900s. Let's not look into her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because what she said was fucking beautiful. That's beautiful. Live laugh, love is fucking beautiful. It's awesome.

And I love laughing and I love living. I love when you live and love life. I love loving and I love laughing. I fucking love when you live. I love when you laugh. Yeah, I'm trying to live, I'm trying to love. I'm trying to laugh. I'm laughing at your life.

I'm laughing at your love. I'm loving your life and your laughter. Exactly. It's kind of perfect and I catch me this fall living, laughing, and loving. I will catch you living, laughing, loving stuff. Yeah. That means the world to me that you said that.

I feel that we connect on many things, but sometimes I feel, no, I just don't feel it's very often that we connect on my sort of cornball You know, obsession with sunsets and life. Yes, yes, yes. And I love, there was like a gasp. Is this like Caleb's thing?

Does he love saying live, laugh, love? No, just no one expected you to... No one expected you to talk like that. I was like, am I just copying off of you? But that's why it's so true. I had to plumb the depths of my psyche and say to myself, I have not been doing enough living, loving, or laughing.

I've been doing too much working you know what I mean content producing and promoting and that sucks dick compared to live laugh loving Live laugh love is a beautiful sentiment I think we reclaim it I think what you said here today

was completely gorgeous Thank you man And I do want to thank you for saying it And I could honestly get to a place of crying right now If I wanted to Because I do think it's that beautiful Yeah That you said that

But it was extremely cool for you to say that Thanks man And I send you my love Thank you everyone And please check us out next summer at Camp Not Gay Anymore. That's what I want to plug. You know what?

Check us out in the Catskills, Camp Not Gay Anymore. In the same way that there's always money in the banana stand from the rest of development, when you and I decide to do the duo tour Camp Not Gay Anymore and just fucking clean up. Forget about it. That tour makes a lot of money. Okay, actually. I know. We should cut the cameras.

Let's cut the cameras. I don't want to go on a full tour next year, but what if we did like four dates together? Four's too small. Let's cut the cameras. Let's cut the cameras.