So True with Caleb Hearon - Whitmer Thomas is Still Cool

Episode Date: October 1, 2026

Welcome! This week’s guest is the hilarious Whitmer Thomas! Whitmer and Caleb talk aging as a skateboarder, making music, a bike-focused party/film festival, Jack Nicholson’s opinions, and much more! Join our Substack for ad free full episodes, early access to merch, our community chat, and more! https://calebsaysthings.substack.com/ Follow Whitmer! @whitmerthomas Follow the show! @sooootruepod Follow Caleb! @calebsaysthings Produced by Chance Nichols @chanceisloud Go to https://www.squarespace.com/SOTRUE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code SOTRUE. Go to https://skechers.com to shop all the Skechers Hands Free Slip-in Styles Thanks to MANSCAPED® for sponsoring today’s episode! Get The Lawn Mower® Ultra Gen 6 for 15% OFF + Free Shipping with code SOTRUE at https://Manscaped.com! So True with Caleb Hearon is edited and engineered by Nicole Lyons. Our social media manager is Anna Weis. All episodes are filmed in The So Trudio at Legitimate Business World Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. A Wave series. https://wavesportsandentertainment.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And here, the Mona Lisa, gazed into Mona's eyes in perfect health with no undiagnosed problems and her optic nerve in excellent condition. Anyone here got eyes like Mona? Mine are brownish. Not enough people know about their eye health. That's why OCT scans are included in every standard eye exam at Specsavers locations. Should have gone to Specsavers. Book an eye exam today. Eye exams provided by independent optometrists.

Contact your local Specsavers for details. Wave. Or if I feel sad or upset, I don't say anything about it. And somebody would be like, are you okay? And I'll be like, what would Jack Nicholson have to say about that? Even though, like, I'm in that moment, I'm, like, devastated. Right. How you doing?

I'm doing okay. Yeah? Yeah, I took a NyQuil and smoked a weed, CBD thing to go to sleep last night. and so I do feel kind of like fucked up. I thought you were going to say before this, just to level out. Right before I walked in here, I took some NyQuil and smoked a CBD thing. I used to do it every time I got into an airplane. And then I was like, why do I feel depressed and awful all the time?

This is like 18 to 21. Yeah. I didn't get into weed at all until I was like 27. And then maybe like a year into that, I started trying to do the edible on a plane thing. It happened to maybe three flights. And that first time that I was highway I didn't like and try to, trapped in the air, I said, we won't be doing this anymore. Yeah.

Because you can't do anything. You're just fucking sitting there like tweaking and it's like, I don't want this. You're stuck and paranoid. Yeah. I was just doing the NyQuil on the plane back then, and I didn't smoke weed. I smoked weed the first time when I was maybe 25. And it wasn't smoked. It was like tincture oil, whatever that shit is.

Have you ever seen that? Yeah. And I was on my birthday and a girl that I had a crush on would, like, squeeze it onto my tongue and I didn't feel anything after one minute. And I was like, I don't think it's working. And then she did it again and I was high for three days. Three days.

Whatever happened. And that's Nancy Pelosi. Yeah. That girl, that girl was Nancy Pelosi. Best sex of my life. Only. That's, are you serious? That's really beautiful. You and Nancy only doing. Yeah, she said it's the only way she gets off.

I really love it. that. I really love that. She does the Neil afterwards. Yeah. Her little famous kneel. But she puts on the like, the cultural garb that she's not supposed to be wearing. But it's all different. What people don't know is it's all different kinds of cultural garb that she's not supposed to wear. Like she has

a Indian headdress or Native American headdress. Yeah. She's got all the stuff. She'll put a dot right here. She'll do it all. Yeah. That's why she's a fucking freak. It's fun. She's so fun. God, I love that girl. I haven't hooked up with her in years. What? I know. It sucks. She just got so busy with work and everything. Yeah. And plus just as you grow older, people grow apart. They do grow apart. Do you know what I mean? Like it just sucks. Like she and I, we used to have so much in common, but then it's like she's in

Congress. I'm a comedian. It just said, yeah, it sucks. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Last time I saw her was at the Waxahatchie show and, um, she, she likes their old stuff. So she was kind of bummed. She's like a big PS Eliot fan. In the other only put, she was only playing like Tiger's Blood and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I texted Nancy like two weeks ago. because they announced they're not going to do Bonaroo next year. And I knew she,

I was like, she'll be in the dumps because she fucking loves Bonaroo. And so I text her and I was like, hey, I heard about Bonaroo. Like, I hope you're okay.

She didn't text back, which is fine. But yeah, it just sucks because we used to go to Bonarro like every year. Man. And do it? What do you think about

how I just conked out on the improv towards the end there and it couldn't think of anything. It was completely beautiful. And the good thing about that bit is it was dead seven seconds into it. And, And we decided to go ahead and keep her running.

That's what it was like whenever I did improv. I tried for like a year. And I would just stand on the back line. And I would look at all the other improvisers and be like, they probably got something better than me. And then I'd just keep standing back there. Y'all got it. Y'all got it.

And then I'd see an opening for me to tell a long story. Yeah. Well, here's where I jump in. I love that. I was, what was I like as an improviser chance? You were very smart and very tactful, but also would like randomly get extremely physical. Yeah, that's true.

I would start throwing people. Yeah, well, that's because... A window one time. Yeah, that was mostly... When I'm with straight guys doing improv, I know what you guys like. You guys like to be thrown around a little bit. You like it to be like that.

And so I would do that. When I was with the girls, of course I would like tone it down. But we had an improv team for a while, Chance and I and two of our buddies from college. And it was, they're all straight guys and me. So I would just, if I got bored with some dialogue they were doing,

I would just initiate a fight scene. And that was beautiful. And Gabby Boyd joined that team eventually. So then Gabby was in there. And then Gabby and I would do like, we would do like grounded emotional scenes together. And then the boys would like sweep it and be like, or whatever the fuck.

And Gabby and I would see on the sidelines and be like, God. I wish there was more girls and gay guys here. And then eventually there was, right? Then eventually there were more girls and gay guys. Yeah, in improvisation. I just had, we, Asher, we recorded with Asher Perlman yesterday, and we started talking about improv, and he was like, everyone just turned the episode off. And I was like, yeah. I met Asher in Chicago in 2015, doing, I was doing stand-up, up, whatever that old comedy club was.

Up, up, I think is what it was called. Up, Above Second City. Oh, the Up, yeah, yeah, the Up. Is it called the Up Room? The Up Comedy Club. Yeah. And then I did the story, the monologue at the Improft. And Asher was so funny.

Asher's a good kid. It's a good kid. Got a bright future, good head on his shoulders. But people did just turn the podcast off. Yeah, for sure. We don't care. Up Comedy Club. Oh, my gosh.

Well, you're in New York right now. How's it been going? It's good. I always say when I'm here that I don't ever know where I am or how to get anywhere. Like, where am I? Like, in New York, if this was L.A., the studio would be, like, on the corner. I think head gum in L.A. is, like, the most convenient.

conveniently located podcast place. It's like sunset and Hyperion. Yeah, where everybody is. Whereas this is in some weird warehouse and you take an elevator that doesn't really work. There's boxes everywhere. And it's kind of scary. And I think I shot something here once.

See, we like that. We think that grit is very charming. It is charming. We like that. It's cool, man. We think it's nice that our guests are scared and confused when they arrive. It throws them off kilter

and allows us to get a more honest interview. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, everything is confusing here, so I just kind of accept the confusion. Did you ever live in New York? Not really. A lot of people think I did, or think I started here just because all my friends are from here. All the, most of the comics that I started with don't do it anymore in L.A. It was like peak 2012 nerd comedy kind of. Yeah, like the meltdown and shit.

Yeah, meltdown was great, but it was like, yeah, everything looked like, every poster looked like Nintendo or, you know, that time. period, like that millennial, like, didn't age well era, like, cats with lasers coming out of their eyes. Oh, shit, yeah. And I think all those people killed themselves.

Hey, we have to laugh, but it is 100% true. Truly, most of being in comedy is just reading memorials. Truly. Just getting online and being, like, when we were in the back room of the chuckle fuckers hut in Indiana, I knew this guy was going to be somebody,

never really panned out, but God rest his soul. It's like every fucking day you get on Instagram, and you're like, new memorial, new memorial. Well, the difference between comics and musicians I've noticed is musicians complain about wanting to kill themselves all the time, and then comics will, you'll have like the best night of your life with them, and then they'll go home and kill themselves. Musicians are all talk.

Comics do it. Comics commit to the bit. Yeah. Yeah. It's, God, it's sad, but it's so fucking true. you truly will not know a single thing was wrong. And then it'll just be like, oh, yeah, memorial posts. Yeah.

Call from their mom. Fuck. Damn. Sorry, it's what it's like. What do you want me? I admit me, I can talk seriously about it. It wouldn't change it. It's really so, I mean, yeah, I don't think I'll ever do it, but there was a real window.

Oh, absolutely. There's a time when I'd be driving to a show going, another sold-out show. There's a gun next to me. I'd put it in a mouth. Dreams coming true. Oh, that tree looks like it could hold a noose. It could hold my car at 90 miles an hour in a beautiful way. Well, that's not a great thing to hear just because before we started recording,

you told me you're going through a midlife crisis. So now I'm worried about my friend Witt a little bit. I am, yeah. I'm just kind of at this period where I'm like playing out every possible scenario. Like where I go, oh man. I should get a Subaru outback. That's reliable. Then I go, well, what if I buy it right now?

And then one year from now, I see a red convertible where the top comes down. And then I'm in a financial crisis because, you know what I mean? Playing all those stupid little things out. Also, like, I've become fully embarrassed of being a skateboarder. Really? Yeah, I'm, like, completely ashamed of myself. I can't tell you how cool and hot it is that you're a skateboarder. That's the consensus.

I think everyone thinks people who ride skateboard are cool and hot. Really? Yeah, 100%. Even as to get old? Yeah, 100%. Do you see the head shaking back here? Everyone's fucking bricked up thinking about the idea of it. It's cool and hot.

If you saw me in New York City skating around from show to spot to spot, Carolines, the cellar, you know how comics do? Yeah. The way you're always at Caroline's in the cellar. Yeah. With a skateboard under my arm. To me, I'm like, that's excruciating.

That's embarrassing, but... Wait, I can't tell you how cool that would be. Okay. We would all like that. Okay. And I speak for the general public here. That is very cool. What I worry about you?

Of course, your bones are getting a little brittle. I mean, you gotta be real careful on that thing. Oh, yeah. But I don't think it's uncool. I think it's deeply cool. Maybe I'm just feeling self-conscious because I just did a... My new comedy special,

I talk about skateboarding, and somebody in the... Like, I saw a letter box. My dad won't stop sending. My whole family sends me letterbox reviews, and they don't understand that, like, how it works, and a lot of them are bad reviews. Yeah.

Or not bad reviews. They'll say something like, I didn't really like it, but I think it's cool that he likes his friends. Or something like that. And my dad will send it and be like, so nice that they think he likes, they think it's great that you like your friends.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You miss the bad part, though. Yeah, you miss the part where they panned my work that I love. Yeah. And one of those reviews says, he seems sort of immature and it's weird that he still skateboards. And that's all I focus. It's mostly nice stuff on there, but that's all I think about.

It's like, damn, I am getting old. You can see it. And I skateboard. And, yeah, my bones hurt. And I still am like, I'm doing this thing now where I try not to dress like the kids skating. Yeah. Because I feel like, no, I need to look a little bit more grown up. Because all the kids now are wearing like Von Dutch hats and true religion jeans and Ed Hardy shirts.

Like that's become popular in the skate world. And I'm just like, I'm not doing that. Too old for that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's funny, the two first things that came up in your midlife crisis were both just like modes of transportation. You're like, do I get the Subaru? Do I get the convertible?

Am I allowed to skateboard? There seems to be a lot of anxiety about getting around. Well, it's that. And I think it's also about wanting to be wanted, like wanting people to be like, oh, that's a, that's a guy or whatever and as you get older it's like I don't know man it's like

I don't fucking know I don't know what I'm saying but yeah you want to be wanted do you feel wanted because I perceive you as very wanted yeah I go when I see when you pop up in my phone or when you come around

I go everyone's excited to see you people love you people love your work think you're a great artist like this is the genuine perception perception that I hold of you what I think of you. I think you're a great artist and it's somebody that I want around.

And then also, that's generally all that's ever said about you is good, nice things. Do you feel that? It's nice. No, I don't feel that. It's because you're reading the fucking letterbox reviews.

I'm not reading. I had to say, like, hey, I don't read reviews. I don't look at this stuff, so please stop sending. And now they make fun of me, and they keep sending them and go, A little bird told me,

you don't like reading these things. Sinsent and an old Whitmer doesn't want to see these. Well, too bad. Yeah. So I think, you know, I'm like, I don't know how I'm perceived. This is something I've been talking about in therapy where my, I'll like explain everything. I just said to you and my therapist would be like, it seems like people really like you.

And I go, oh yeah, I guess. I wouldn't have even been invited to do that thing if they didn't like like me or whatever. But maybe it's just like feeling like kind of like a, you know, every time I talk about this, I look back on it and I go, wait, no, they liked me for sure. Like, I was such an idiot when I was a kid and couldn't figure out, like, if a girl liked me. And then as an adult, I was like, man, I always had a, yeah, I've, like, encountered these women. And I would be like, man, and, fuck, junior year, I had such a crush on you, and I just didn't know what to do. And she, the woman to be like, yeah, I remember, I would sneak in through your window, take my clothes off and get into your bed and you wouldn't touch me. I was like, oh, yeah.

Fuck, okay, yeah, I guess that would have been a sign in some way. Yeah. Damn. It's funny the thing you were saying about like your family sending you stuff. I had a I was up late last night, really late. Like it was like three in the morning that I was writing this email. I've been putting off forever. I have this movie coming out that's about my dad passing and it's extremely fictionalized. There's a lot of things that are not true to what happened or true to my feelings for

different reasons. Like it just made sense that the second act needed this conflict moment or what you know, it's fucking filmmaking. Yeah. But I've been putting off writing this email to my family to like to all of them to say like, hey, this is going to come out soon. People are going to have reviews of it. It's, they're going to say things in the reviews that might not feel like what you experienced when dad died. Like, basically just like level setting and being like, I'm used to this because it's my job, but you guys are going to experience a level of this that like you might not be used to.

And I finally wrote the email last night and sent it. And my aunt, it was very, very funny. And like one of my favorite people in the whole world, my aunt Ashley responded to the email like first thing this morning and was like she said a bunch of sweet stuff and like helped me contextualize it for everybody and then she was like also I hope it's not a big deal I sold a bunch of pictures of you to TMZ and I was like it made me feel way better because I was I'm really anxious about I think I didn't maybe do the best job when when I put out my special and I talked a lot about my dad I don't know that I did the best job of like helping my family process the way that people

were gonna because they'll see stuff online and get excited and they'll be like that's Caleb. And then they'll read the comments and it'll be like, I'm talking about, I'll say like, oh, my dad was a nightmare or something. I'm being half serious because he was a very complicated person, but also I'm being like silly and loving in the way that like my dad and I would rib each other. Like he would think that was funny. Yeah. And then people were in the comments are being like, like, you know,

God, to have a dad like that would be fucking horrible. The guy sounds like an abuser or so, like, shit like that. And then my grandma's reading that shit and being like, it just is like really not fair to them because they didn't choose this. life and I did. And so anyway, I was, the reviews thing is so interesting because I'm like, I wonder how much of that stuff they see. When they go, the reviews kind of go one way or the other where they'll say like, you're

exploring your traumatic relationship with your dad or something, or they'll go, he's able to make light of the passing of his eccentric father or something. And I would prefer they see that kind of thing. I mean, I'm dealing with the same thing. Like my first special Delta lot, it was all about my mom. And I really roasted the hell out of my family. And in order for me to kind of like feel comfortable doing that, I like involved them in it.

And I would like do little interviews with them. But even that, like, it's totally me paying homage to my mom and how inspiring and beautiful she was. But she like was also a total problem. and that was like out in Alabama and it's some family thing and this lady came up to me and she's like, hey, do you remember me? We met when you were, you know, a preteen,

and I stayed with you and your mom with my daughter, who's your age. And I think like I watched your special and I thought that it was awful to your mom and that you painted her to be like a real monster. And I was like, the fuck. Like, nobody has ever said that to me. Yeah. And then she goes, I go, well, that's not how I see it.

And she goes, by the way, I thought whenever I brought my daughter to stay with us at your house when you were a kid that you were going to, you had a crush on her and you might ask her out, but you didn't. This is fucking insane. And I was like, I was in eighth grade. What are you talking about? And she goes, are you gay? And I go, I'm coming around on her. I was like, no. And she goes, okay, well, then it's weird you didn't ask my.

I was like, what is this? It's almost like she was, she wanted to be mean to me because I didn't ask her daughter out when I was in eighth grade. Yeah, and the first part of it, the stuff about the mom, I'm like, obviously I'm not on her side. But her being like, if you didn't ask my daughter out, you're gay. Of course I'm coming around. I do, I'm ending up in a place where I think she might be a legend.

But that's fucking psychotic. She's insane. But I do love like 20 years later being like, 30 years later, being like, not asking my daughter out was pretty gay, dude. And looking back, her daughter, I remember her daughter and I thought about her daughter a lot growing up. Because she had a hole under her pocket in her jeans and I was staring at it all day. Like I was walking behind her and going, God, what it would be like to just like feel what that skin under her pocket? is like, like, I was truly thinking about it nonstop.

You had it, like, in a crush way? Or like, just, okay, yeah, you were really in time. I wanted to know. I thought it was very brave and sexy of her to have a hole under her pocket. I should, I told her that, too. I was like, listen, lady, in eighth grade, I wanted to fuck the hell out of your daughter.

I wanted to stick my dick through that little hole and grind around. I want to fuck your daughter's jeans, okay? I was really into her jeans. I should have said that, looking back. We were at a church, but still. we couldn't do it at church. Dude, that is so fucking funny.

I don't, yeah, I don't want to see anything. I think God my family doesn't send me anything because I don't want to, I don't want to know anything. I don't really want to know any opinions of my work unless it's nice. Because there's nothing I can do now. I put it out. I liked it. I clearly believed in it.

I worked really hard on it. And it's like, it does me, I give, I give like three people in my life permission to read the bad stuff and relay in nicer terms, anything to me that could be constructive. Like,

if there's something to learn about my work that they're like, like, oh, like, he does this a lot and it doesn't, like, help the story or whatever. If there's something constructive, you can take the mean stuff and filter it through the You Love Me filter and then give me the good notes. But other than that, I don't ever want to see something bad about something I made. It does me no good. Yeah, I try to avoid it totally. Sometimes I agree with it, like you're saying.

Totally. They'll go, like, oh, he, you know, the first five minutes was not super strong. And I'm like, yep, you're right. Felt that. Or he talks about his childhood too much. And it's like, I kind of got nothing else. but yeah, you're right, you know. You talks about his childhood too much.

The biggest thing that happens to anybody ever. Yeah. Sorry. I don't agree with shit like that. I think that's like, it also is like, yeah, a lot of commentary from people who don't make anything. I go, okay, well, what would you talk about for an hour when someone pays you to talk? Yeah, you make something, you little ho. I legitimately feel that way.

I don't think. And then there's like professional critics that I'm like, yeah, okay, you kind of nailed that. The second act was whatever or this, that. but the idea of like I shouldn't talk too much about my childhood is like I'm the artist I talk about whatever I want to talk about and you either watch it or don't yeah turn it off go away it like especially with with my shit it's like okay I think if you can power through the first five minutes which has a four minute song that isn't funny I just like music yeah then you probably might enjoy the rest of it and I think

I'm so curious to see like the click-off rate like they do on Instagram, you can see when people skip it or whatever. I wish they had that on HBO. Maybe they do, because I guarantee three minutes in people are just like, ah, fuck this. No more song. Yeah, yeah, get rid of the songs.

And I'm meant to post something saying, like, when the songs start, you can look at your phone. Those are for me. Songs are just for me. Go ahead and check Instagram. Email your boss back. Yeah. Oh, my God. Well, wait, earlier, we didn't really get to the, I did want to ask you about the

midlife crisis thing. What do you think is actually going on? Is there a concern that you have right now about life that's like in the forefront? You're like, oh, I'm asking me my time the right way or I'm worried that things are going to turn out. Is there a thing?

I think that my life right now is better than it's ever been. Yeah. And that I, because of that, like, it's made me a little bit selfish. And like I am like, caught up in my own career and all that shit and I've like started to realize that there's so many other things that I have like, you know, mental health-wise and all that, health-wise

in general that I've sort of been neglecting. And it's stressful for me to think like, oh, it's time for me to tackle those things, you know? and you know like I just I'm 38 both my parents are addicts and alcoholics mom drank herself to death and I just now started going to Al-Anon meetings and things like I feel like and I feel like I'm on the other side of all this now where I've had to have some perspective but the midlife crisis thing I think comes from finally having like a career in comedy and and a little bit in music and like as a filmmaker or an actor and it's like okay i got everything i want and uh there's no i it's like i used to daydream about the future and now i think like oh these some of these

dreams have come true and now i'm like stuck thinking about the past and um things i could have changed or maybe taken care of or acted differently about And, yeah, so, yeah, I think that's just kind of it. And so I'm like, and it's also the thing of, like, wanting to be seen as kind of young and cool and kind of knowing like that's over. But also, I don't know if I actually care about that. Like the other night I went to Echo Park Rising and saw a friend's band play and I was like, what am I doing here? I don't want to fucking be doing this. Give me the hell out of here.

Yeah. And even when I was like 25, I lived in a big party mansion with 10 roommates and we'd have these crazy parties. And I'd be like, I just want to be in bed watching South Park. Like I've never had that instinct. And so now I think at like 38 I go, oh, I didn't do any. I didn't even start drinking until I was 30. So like I was like, I didn't do any of that. So maybe I need to do that before I turn 40.

But then I'll have two margaritas and I'll be like hung over for. three weeks. Maybe that's not what I need to be doing. Is it that you want to be perceived as somebody who does those things? That you want to be perceived as the, like, a cool young guy who drinks margaritas and isn't hung over for three weeks? Yeah, I think I'm desperate to be perceived as cool. And I'll often...

Dude, you are. Thank you. I'm just telling you, I've got really good news for you. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that is an illness and we're going to have to fix it. And the good news is, it's working. People think you're very cool. Thank you, Caleb.

So that's the silver lining in the whole deal. Now, we do still have to fix it. I'm doing the work, man. I believe you. I think my thoughts are special in my feelings. And then I go to these meetings and I go, ooh, these aren't special thoughts at all. Everybody feels this way.

And it is cathartic, you know. But I, and people think it's so fucking lame. Like, I did this. I have a joke about how badly I want to feel cool. And so I'm like, I, like, think a little too much about my clothes or how far away my pants are from my shoes, which is, like, a skateboarder thought. And then I did, like, this interview in the LA Times and the headline says, like, Whitmer Thomas doesn't care about being cool or something like that. And then it's the coolest looking photo of me of all time. And I'm like, this doesn't.

Doesn't try. It feels like so lame. Doesn't track. Yeah. Yeah, and now I understand why, like, most photos of comics are, like, them with, like, the mic in their mouth, or, like, yeah, going, like... I remember when we were taking the key art for my special, they asked me... I was, like, being a team player for most of it, even though I hate that shit, they asked me to wrap myself in the mic and, like, pretend that I was, like, tied up by it, and I was, like, I have drawn a line, we're done. Yeah. The photo shoot is over.

Yeah. No, I think, it sounds like maybe you've had... I, maybe you don't relate to this, but it sounds like maybe the blinders were on for a little bit, and there was a bunch of stuff out in the periphery that wasn't able to be dealt with because you were focused on, yeah, like work and life and other big things, and now they're off

because you've had some comfort. Exactly. It's people say money doesn't buy happiness, but I've spent until now trying to figure out how to pay my rent my whole life. So that's all I've been thinking about is, how do I survive for the next month? and it's good. Like to everybody out there who's like an artist who's struggling,

just know that like that's what you need and that's so good because it keeps you present. And then as soon as you can pay rent, and it's like you can pay rent for a couple years, you are like forced to reckon with your sadness finally because you can finally think about like your own feelings without having to, like, I don't have time to be depressed. I got to figure out how to get $1,200.

Yeah. And then suddenly, you've got all the time in the world, and you're just like, uh-oh. Like, I got all these problems. So it does, like, it provides comfort, but then in that comfort, you're like, ah, shit, I'm all fucked up, and I didn't know because I didn't have any money.

Yeah. I was talking to a friend recently. We went to dinner, and she, you know, very, very successful, very, like, has a ton of money. It was Nancy Pelosi. It was Nancy Pelosi. I was, well, I don't want to say what we were doing,

but let's just say we weren't face to face. No, I was talking to this friend, and she was, um, she was on Broadway recently for the first time. It was like her lifelong dream. And she was like telling me like, oh, I'm a little fucked up right now because Broadway didn't fix everything and I legitimately thought it would. And I was like, really? you really you really like you genuinely like are you saying that because that's a thing to say or are you really telling me you genuinely held a belief that being on broadway was going to like make you feel like everything was fixed and she was like i really thought that and i was like oh wow i've never i actually didn't hold any of those beliefs and i feel grateful for that because i have had a lot of dreams come true and i feel grateful that i didn't think any of it was going to fix anything with me but that would be really fucked up and i think that is part of sometimes people getting their big dreams is going like

well fuck what now i think i've got like 60 years left yeah everything up until now was about this and now this has happened what uh what what do i do yeah it makes me feel really bad for people whose dream is to be on s andl and then they get it at 28 and then they get fired in a year yeah it's like shit fuck yeah i mean it is i am thinking like what now and i and i also think i'm like in this this cyclone of going, like, how do I make my future perfect to where there's never a problem? Yeah. And it's impossible. But that's like a, you know, that's something.

But I'm working on it. I told my therapist the other day, ideally I would never experience pain. And she was like, right. So do we need to? And I was like, no, no, I know. I'm just saying, like, ideally it wouldn't happen to me. How can we numb you up here? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, that's really real. I mean, it's like the, I don't know, it's a kind of interesting, like, I don't want to say it's an American thing. I guess I don't know if that's true. But like, so many people spend their whole lives sacrificing and sacrificing and sacrificing for the idea that they're going to turn 65 and retire and then do whatever they want. I think that's so backwards and so scary to me that I'm like, first of all, you might never get to that age. Second of all, you do and you're tired and traveling is really fucking hard and you can't walk. as long, like, not like six five-year-olds can't walk, but, like, you have pain in your knees and shit. And, like, I don't know.

The idea of, like, building this perfect future that might arrive someday and that, like, all your decisions are playing perfectly into this is, like, it's a thing we do. And it's also really scary and unrealistic to me. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Well, now I totally. Like, now I'm, I'm in this mode of going, like, okay, there's no way to have a perfect future with no hiccups. but I'm trying now to figure out how to like confront these things whenever they happen in a way that actually is healthy instead of avoiding conflict or apologizing even though

I'm the one who just got hit by a car which is like a problem and so that's kind of that's where I'm at right now yeah hopefully it'll it'll work out and if not I'm happy to go Back to Nancy and just see if she'll take me back. See if she'll have me back. Baby girl. Outside, outside with a big radio, outside Congress. Yeah. Playing a, this is my fight song. Dude, that song bangs.

Fall is the season of doing the most. Coffee runs, weekend plans, travel days, errands, and somehow still trying to make it everywhere on time in with sketches. Doing all those things has never been easier. we recently talked about Skechers in a not so glowing light on the show in an episode with a guest who will not be named I know that's right and wouldn't you know it

Skechers heard the calling came knocking on our doorstep you know what good for Skechers finally a brand with a sense of humor you gotta try their hands free slip-ins you just slip in and go don't I know it no bending down no messing with laces they've got a heel pillow built into the back that keeps your foot locked in so it's still snug

just way less effort A lot of their styles also have air-cooled memory foam. So you get pressure relief, instant comfort, breathability. Great for long days or just running around all fall doing too much, which let's be honest, we all are. And a bunch of their styles are machine washable. So fall weather, coffee spills, whatever, you're fine. Head to Skechers.com to check out all their fall styles.

Sketchers, hands free slip-ins, just slip in and go. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-on-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace, gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. We all could use a good website in this day and age, I tell you what, and Squarespace has so many awesome features to get yours up and running. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place, from consultations to

events and experiences, showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Get paid on time with professional on brand invoices and online payments. plus streamline your workflow with built-in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. Wow. Get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions and auto-generated site map and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. Head to Squarespace.com slash So True for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code So True to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Today's episode is in partnership with Manscaped, the men's grooming brand trusted by over 14 million men worldwide. Big news, fellas. Manscape just dropped the new lawn mower Ultra Gen 6. Nicole. This is the product that made Manscape to the global brand it is today. And with their latest upgrades, they've somehow made the greatest body trimmer of all time even better.

The lawnmower UltraGen 6 comes with two interchangeable blade heads. One is the upgraded trimmer blade for keeping everything neat. The other is a foil blade when you want that ultra-smooth finish. both have skin-safe technology, which helps reduce nicks and cuts. If you're already using a lawnmower, this feels like a serious upgrade. And if you've never tried Manscape before, the lawnmower Ultra Gen 6 is easily the most advanced body groomer they've ever made. Better blades, smarter features, longer battery life, an overall grooming experience, it's faster, easier, and a whole lot more comfortable.

Ever heard of it? Add to Manscape.com and use code so true to get 15% off plus free shipping at checkout. That's 15% off plus free shipping with code so true at Manscape.com. Or if you need it today, it's available now at Best Buy. Yeah, I think it is all going to work out. But I also think, you know, like this is, like life isn't some far away future where we have figured everything out. Life is actually like what's happening right now and figuring these things out and having these problems. And like, yeah, like our lives are this.

Our lives are like being like, oh, fuck. I think now I think I got to work on my insecurities or now I think I got to work on my relationship or there was like a two-year period where I finally got health insurance that like every three months I had to go to the dentist. We were on like a plan to fix my teeth because they were so. I had cavities and shit that I hadn't dealt with. And so there were like two years where my life was like pretty much about going to the dentist. It was a fucking nightmare. It hurts so bad.

I hated it. It costs a ton of money even with insurance. And I just had to be like, yeah, life is not about two years from now when the teeth are fixed. Life is about going to the dentist for a little while. And that fucking sucks in some ways. But in other ways, it's like it just has to be funny because there's nothing else to do. Yeah.

Well, that's it. It's like you work so hard, you finally get health insurance, and you just, ooh, you get to go to the dentist. Yeah, what a treat. Yeah. And they, yeah, oh, God, I don't know. Well, when do you think you're happiest? What are your happiest moments?

I think right now, looking back, my happiest moments are when I'm dead broke. Yeah. And I remember when I was a kid, or not a kid, I was pretty much a kid. I was 22, I think. And I got somehow, was ended up in a room with norm

McDonald. I was probably a year into doing stand-up and I was sitting in a chair in someone's office and it was like a lazy boy and he goes, hey man, he didn't even introduce himself to me or vice versa.

And just first thing he said to me it was like, hey man, he's sitting in that chair long enough you'll become one of the funniest people alive. And I was like, what are you talking about? He says, he was like, that's Chris Farley's chair. and immediately I was like like try not to cry you know and I introduced myself to him

and he's like are you a comic and I was like yeah he's how long a year and he goes I know it doesn't seem like it but this is the best time of your whole life wise because I know you're broke and you don't feel funny

but you'll look back and realize that like this is you know the most important time of your life and uh just to keep kind of trying and and i do look back and i don't know if it was a best time in my life but i think the joy that i felt i wasn't jaded and and and i was broke and like just trying so hard across the board and now like being able like we were talking about being able to pay rent and all that shit it's like it really does help, but I always think back to that conversation and, you know, there's always goals in a career

and I'll always, I think everybody will feel unsuccessful in a lot of ways, but just reminding myself to like try as hard as I can just because I guess that's what he said. So it's always in my brain and his little voice. But I'd say those are the happiest times for me looking back and just going, oh, I'm dead broke. And but now, you've got to make other happy times. Is it possible? Do you think,

think that you're not nostalgic for being broke so much as missing being 22? I don't know, man. I think my life started to make sense. Maybe the most joy and happiness I ever felt was when I was like 30 and I kind of figured out who I was a little bit, what kind of comic I wanted to be and had this whole new world of friends and had finally felt like I belonged in some scene. And I've always felt kind of like an outsider. And that was the first time I didn't.

So maybe that's the happiest time of my life. Maybe it was a year ago. I don't know. Yeah. You know, I think, I don't know, with perspective, looking back, now there's all kinds of, like, happiest moments of my life. But there's something so innocent about me. 22, I remember when I was a new comic, people would talk about Just for Laughs, new faces.

Yeah. And everybody would be talking shit about like, oh, that fucker got in there and stuff. And it's like this prestigious, I don't even know it's still around where, like, if you get picked to be one of the five people, like, agents start calling and all that stuff. And I would be like,

why are these comics so upset and jealous? Everybody's so bitter and mean. I'm never going to be like that. And then three months later, I'm the most, like, cynical, like, trying to think, what's fucking John Early doing in there? Like my friend?

Like my friend who I also think is one of the funniest people on the planet. What's he got that I don't have? People I love. And would like jump in front of a train for it. I'm suddenly like, this fucker. So, yeah. Try not to be like that anymore. That's interesting.

But also like my peers, like I'm so lucky to be. be a part of this killer scene, you know, like everybody's kind of crushing it. I don't really have any friends or people in my orbit who I think are successful or who are successful, who I'm like, they don't deserve that. Nobody? Not one? Let's say that maybe there's some in my orbit. Yeah, orbit, but not circle, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I just try not to think about anybody. like I try not to think about anybody career-wise too much because I'm like it doesn't it all has so much to I don't know it's also up to like choice and fate and chance like I feel like I don't know how I don't even know what to think of it like I'm like the the point of it really I'm trying to spend as much time getting back to what you're talking about of like when I was yeah just starting out and everything felt new and fun and exciting and big and I'm trying to like even like I was feeling embarrassed recently actually because I posted I had a suspicion. Basically, I felt that my movie at Tiff, there's only three screenings of it. The theaters, you know, all those seats are smaller than a room I would play in Toronto normally. So I had a suspicion that they would sell out without me trying.

I didn't have to post about it or anything. But I wanted to post because I'm excited and I'm proud. And I want to build excitement for in case the movie goes on to go to theaters, right? And in posting about it, I was feeling like embarrassed almost. I was like, what if, what if people in the film industry who know that these always sell out, see me posting about this and think I'm, like, I don't know that. And I'm like, and I'm like immature or silly. And I was just like, who fucking cares?

Like, this is exciting. The fact that any person would ever spend a dime or an hour wanting to see something that you made is like something that I would have killed for when I started. And I couldn't get anyone to watch my stuff or pay for a ticket when I started. And so now I'm like, I don't ever want to take that for granted. I want to be excited about that. I don't, I want to be like excited and proud and like talk about how proud I am that my screenings sold out. Because it means that people are going to see my thing. And I don't want to feel stupid or immature for doing that because those feelings are things that only come with like time and becoming jaded and being in this for too long.

That you get around to other people who are like, oh, yeah, it'll sell however many tickets or whatever. And I'm like, well, no, that's actually not like a throwaway fact. I don't want to, I have felt that way, and I don't want to feel that way. I want to be like every single ticket, every single person who sees your thing matters and is like exciting and something to be proud of. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, man. And people, what's weird, what's tough is like a lot of those people in that audience, you're their favorite comedian. And it's like, it's a weird thing to like realize, you know?

And if, if your favorite comedian came wherever you're. from and did a screening and you didn't know about it because they never said anything about it it'd be a bummer or people want to celebrate you and get excited by the thing that you made because it's for them i mean it's for you too but you're making this stuff for other people to laugh at or or to enjoy and and hopefully find some sort of especially like the subject matter of your movie some sort of solace or you know comfort and watching it and i uh you know it's one thing if it's like I don't know I just think that

if you're proud of something celebrate it and also when it's something that's a little bit vulnerable absolutely celebrate it you're not playing a character your comedic persona isn't like a character

you know where maybe then the mystery is okay because you don't really want to let people in you know you don't want people to actually know that you have six kids yeah that's for musicians the mysterious persona thing is for musicians. Some of my musician friends that have one, I'm like, God, that's good. That must be awesome. My job is actually saying everything I've ever thought forever. Yeah. It's way worse.

It's like, I always wonder that when I release like a new album or something, because I'm, people know everything about me to where when people listen to a song, they go, oh, I already knew about that. Like that, that line. Oh, yeah. I'm, I'm happy he said that out loud. I heard him say that on a podcast one time. Yeah, I just, I mostly mean like, I just want to maintain a new to this, not even maintain, because there have been times where I've lost it. I will say like a year or two ago,

I think I was in a way different place with all of this where like I was getting a little jaded and I was getting a little like, I wasn't, I don't know that I was ungrateful, but I wasn't practicing enough gratitude. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Like ungrateful feels so like actively being like, this is stupid to me, but practicing gratitude is like even a different thing than being grateful. Like ungrateful and grateful, I feel like put them in like states of being and practicing gratitude is like this thing that you do and I'm trying really hard to practice gratitude for things that feel

like guaranteed now or like even like oh I'm going to pay my rent next month that is a guarantee now for at least the next couple months you know what I mean but I'm trying to like every time the rent comes to be like oh my god I paid my rent this month I'm trying to like when I go pop in on a show and people know who I am even though I wasn't on the bill I'm trying to be like, leave stage and be like, holy shit.

Like people know that I do this. Maintaining that thing from when I was 22 and living it with a bunch of people and starting out, just trying to keep that because I think losing that is so sad. Yeah. And also the other thing that I can't stand with some people who are jaded is thinking that they're the funniest person on the bill or that they don't even really have to have fun with it to go and do a spot. on one of these shows. Like,

I think that I'm this kind of the exact same way. I was watching geese live and they're these younger guys, you know, and they're performing

in the front of thousands of people and it's new for them, you know, this kind of success. And I just wanted so badly for Cameron Winter and he's like,

cool, you know, very cool, to go like, well, holy cow, I can't believe you all bought tickets

to see me. It doesn't really talk in between songs, just like, What the heck? Please visit the merch booth. I don't ever want to lose that. If I ever play in front of that many people, I don't want that to go away. Yeah.

And it echoes back to being, like, 15 years old, and my big brother, like, coming to see my band or me opening for his band and going, like, hey, pal, really, tell them to go buy your EP. Because I think, you know, people should listen to it. And I was too embarrassed even then. I was like, I gotta be cool. I shouldn't tell people that.

And then, you know, I did. And I still tell people to do that. Like, go visit the merch booth, even though it's like, people are gonna go to the merch booth. You're gonna stop the merch booth. No, but that's nice. I think that, I think that is good. What do you think,

I've been thinking a little bit lately about what I think my, like, stuff is about. Like, I'm like, what? Well, I was thinking about it the other day, actually. Did you know, did you ever read or know about Wendell Berry? Seems like somebody you would love. he was a southern guy, he was a writer, poet,

was an environmentalist, and he passed away the other day. It was like 90-something. I was really sad about it because I love him, and I love his writing, and I love the way he writes about the world. If I had to sum up a bunch of his work, I would say, like, he wrote once that,

maybe he wrote this in like the 60s or 70s or something, but he was like, the next great divide will be between people who want to live like machines and people who want to live like creatures. And that's kind of like what a lot of his work is about is the natural world and how far, we are from that and what industrialization is doing to our planet. But I was thinking about what his work is about.

And then I was like, what's my work about? And I thought about a couple things, but what do you think yours is about? I want to change this. But I think so much of it is about abandonment and like trying to preserve and prepare or I guess prepare myself from being abandoned. like every joke is kind of protecting that or looking or trying to get people to like me so they don't leave me

or um or finding you know the new special is all about my friends who have sort of protected me over the years when I especially in my childhood and uh it's something that I'd like to kind of ditch you know and move on to the next thing and and stop making that my entire identity especially with my first comedy special

where like it caused a lot of you know like a big complex when I would after that came out in 2020 and I didn't get to tour for a couple years but then when I finally did people would come up to me after my show and be like oh you're silly like I thought

this was going to be like a one-man show like serious and so I had this whole complex like I need to prove to people that I'm not just like a kind of a walking husk of like comedic um trauma you know and uh then this new one is all about you know how lucky i was to have friends during

my childhood and uh and who kind of took care of me but i think a lot of everything i'm kind of going through maybe my midlife crisis is is preventing myself from being abandoned or abandoning someone i'm like it's inevitable that that will happen. And now I'm like, that's not who I am actually. Like, I've gone this far and that hasn't happened. So, like, I'm kind of trying to move on from that and think about jokes that are present. Like, an actual joke about how I feel right now and not looking back at some sort of thing

or thinking about the future in some sort of way and just being like, I like sitting on a bidet because it's fucking me in the ass. You know? that good present stuff. Where we're at right now. Never knew about that when I was a kid, but now I know the power of the bidet. Yeah, that makes sense to me. I mean, like narrative building,

the way we feed into our own narratives, the way we take on the narratives that people have given to us about who we should be, the way that like a life in, like, creativity, like inherently lends itself to other people handing you back narratives about yourself. and then if you're lucky at a higher and higher volume, people are just constantly handing you back the narrative they've built of you,

and you're supposed to partially take it in, but also partially resist it. Yeah, the narratives that we have about ourselves are so powerful and pervasive. Yeah. Yeah. I'm always kind of trying to think of like a way to stop doing that, you know, and just like, well, why do I feel sad?

or maybe if I did this differently or you know kind of creating some sort of narrative and then also there's a lot of like psychopaths out there who will like construct a narrative that justifies their bad personality and I get worried a lot

of times like oh I have these problems because this happened to me when I was a kid or you know the way I talked to you earlier I did that because when I was a kid you know whatever happened I got to tell you the when I was a kid or my parents XYZ explanation for like very present recent behaviors.

I don't know, man. After, like, it's one thing to say this informs the way that I see the world. And, like, of course, our childhoods are the biggest thing that happened to us. But there is a certain point where you have to, like, take responsibility and start working. I've had friends and acquaintances that have behaved so badly and just continuously over and over again be like, wow, I had a really bad childhood. And I go, so did a lot of people. Yeah.

Grow up. Like, get over it. Like, I don't know what to tell you, but at a certain point, you can't just, walk around being mean and hurtful to people. That's, I think, what I'm really trying to say is, like, it's one thing when you're looking at the way it affects you and your feelings in your world. We all should be doing that.

But when you're, like, using it as an excuse to treat other people badly after, like, I don't know, 23 years old, it's a certain point where it's just like, I don't know, man, you're going to have to figure that out or get away from me. Yeah. There's, there's, there really options. Yeah. That's totally right. Yeah, I think it's not necessarily that I'm mean or anything.

I think it's more I'm the opposite where if there is, if somebody's an asshole, I don't say anything. I just kind of like let it happen or if I feel sad or upset, I don't say anything about it. And somebody would like, are you okay? And I'll be like, what would Jack Nicholson have to say about that? Even though like I'm in that moment, I'm like devastated. Like something is not okay.

Yeah. And so it's not necessarily affecting my friendships other than people are like, he's never serious. He won't ever like actually let me know what he thinks of something. And so you're right. There's no excuse for that. And obviously it goes back to my childhood or whatever. But it's like, oh, to be clear, I'm not criticizing you.

I'm talking about people who are actively malicious to other people. My read of your situation is that you're more critical of Whitmer than you are to anyone else. and that is ultimately I don't like that for you but that is, that's not really harm to other people I don't want you to do that for you because you're my buddy but yeah I think it's the being mean to other people thing

that I'm like, you gotta get over that. And like yeah a lot of those people also will eventually there, me and my pals describe those people as like or our favorite funny trait with those people is that it takes them three months to realize the same thing,

how they affected somebody in the same time, it would take a normal person like 14 seconds. You get that text way later. Where you'll be like, oh, this guy just said this awful thing or did this awful thing and we'll joke like, three months, give them three months. They should have said sorry within five seconds, but give them three months.

They'll come back around with a 40-page text message. that also kind of half absolves their own. Like, yeah, it's yeah, well, I'm thinking of specific people and feeling really upset towards them. Should we all say their names, but honestly, there are plenty of times we do that on this show that I'll

I'll just allow myself, I'll know in the moment that what I'm saying is never going to make it out and I'll just allow myself to go 10 minutes, and then afterwards I'll text chance and be like, cut all of that. Like, in the moment, it felt like I needed to say it, but But, you know, the larger conversation needed it. It was taking us to a place we needed to get to, but it can't. I can't go out because that was really mean.

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, we're not going to say. We didn't cut anything out. No, no, we're not going to cut names today. No, not today. Just this is raw and uncut. This is raw, uncut, unfiltered wit.

Yeah. Witt unfiltered. You should, you know what you should do. You and I both. Let's do it at the same time. Separate specials. We'll call Nina today. And we'll say, hey, Witt and I are going to.

to do two separate special, same idea, and it's going to be like our like, fuck you comic special. Dude, I would fucking love that. We both do one, our own versions of it, put them out at the exact same time. Oh, let's do it. And there'll be all these articles like,

comedy's changing. You can only, one of those things where you can only watch it for two days, and then they take it down because everything is so fucked up that we're saying. And it's like, Caleb and Whitmer, raw and uncut,

slur's welcome. Yeah. Slur-heavy comedy. Yeah, yeah. We get involved in that scene. Yeah. Austin, Texas. We get involved in the Austin, Texas comedy scene.

Yeah, let's go. I can see us doing well in Austin. That's the sad truth is I have had friends, like our peers who have gone to the mothership, and they're like, it was fucking awesome. Yeah. It was great. No, some of my favorite comics are like,

it's the best place on Earth. And I'm like, of course it is. It's run by a comic, and almost none of the other places are. Yeah. Well, a comic, but, you know, don't get me started. The guy who at least likes to see himself as a comic, and that is important, unfortunately.

Yeah. Oh, man. You know what I would love to do someday? Kevin Morby and I have talked about opening a venue together in Kansas City. I think it would be so fucking sick. Lose money immediately and forever. You just hope you got enough money by then to just lose that money. Well, that's literally what I'm like, I'm cool with that.

I'll lose some. We could even just break even. I'd be fine with that and just be like, we make no money off this, but it pays itself back. It would easily be the best venue in Kansas. Some of these venues, I'm like, everything here. is great. Yeah.

And then you go, but why is there an AI painting of Jimmy Hendricks on the wall behind the stage? Right. Would it have killed you to spend 200 more dollars on the green room furniture? Right. So that any of the pieces were sitable.

Yeah. I mean, would it have absolutely killed you? Yeah, I want to, there's somebody should start like a venue consulting service where they go through and tell them like, hey, obviously a thousand, a thousand people standing room only is not the move.

Right. Put some benches around the edges at least. Yeah, that's what I always say. Can we put some chairs on the side? Right. I made the mistake of touring for two years to only standing room. And I swear you should have seen the audiences towards the end just dwindling. As people would find out that there's not going to be any seats.

People would be like, are now in comments whenever I announce a tour, are their chairs? Yeah, 100%. Are their chairs? When Katie and I do our benefit show in Cancadium, there's the balcony with a bunch of seats and then it's all standing on the floor and every year the balcony sells immediately and then the floor sells really slowly

all the way up to the day where people are like fuck I guess like they don't want to do it guess I'll go fucking stand I did like a little party here in New York screening and I didn't realize there wasn't going to be chairs and a young cool person in the front row

just who was clear clearly like a person people look to for coolness, just sat down on the floor. And then everybody sat down behind her. And I was like, oh, that's all it takes is one influential person to sit on the floor. And then you realize like, oh, all right. You've seen that video at like on the hill. They showed this all the time in college. I don't know if anyone else experienced this.

It's like at a music festival on a hill and no one's dancing. And then like one guy runs and starts dancing. Do you know what I'm talking about? And then the voiceover that they would show in college is always like, right now he looks crazy. Right now he looks insane dancing alone. And then one person joins him. And they're like, now he doesn't look so silly, does he? And then a third person joins and they're like, it's officially a movement.

And then eventually everyone's dancing and they always show it to be like the first followers the most important. Like whatever, whatever. But that's what it feels like anytime something like that happens in public where everyone just goes, wait, well, this is all made up. We don't have to do this. We can actually do something else. Yeah, we can have a little fun here. Yeah, or we can, yeah, we can, I was in a coffee shop recently where everyone was waiting in a line that clearly wasn't the line.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, there was like a line that was obviously getting served and then a line that was like off to the side. And I just went up to the front of that and was like, none of us are in line. We should move to the real line. And everyone was like, oh, yeah. And then we just like, what the fuck is good? Like, no one wants to talk.

Everyone's scared to say it. Yeah, we're all robots. None of us are getting coffees if we don't move. And let me tell you right now, I would have stood in the wrong line the whole time and not said anything, even if I knew there was a right line. I'm always trying to make a friend in public. You know what happened to me last night? I wanted to tell you about this.

Hold on. Allow me to walk in. Last night, my friend and I are biking in Manhattan. We're going from dinner to the park. And what passes us is 300 cyclists biking together. And I was like, should we join them?

I want to know where they're going. And my friend was like, yeah. So we joined them. And we biked with them. The whole time we're biking with them. We probably bike with them for like 45 minutes. whole time we're biking with them. People are like pulling up next to us

and being like, you guys knew? Hey, what's up? I'm Joe. Literally like so friendly. Everyone was so cool. We learned about, at one point this like shirtless guy pulls up next to us and he goes,

we're doing a film festival, bicycle film festival. It's all films about bikes. You guys want a flyer? And I was like, yeah. And so, and then we like biked with them all the way to Battery Park.

And then this guy like made a little speech that was like, this was awesome. Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight. It's all love. It's all joy. It's all bicycles. And make sure to,

vote for Trump the third. We were, we immediately were joking like, what if this turned out to be like a pro-Israel? And it's just pictures

of us being like, my friend, that's beautiful, by the way. Love that. Oh, I almost cried three times. I loved it.

Sounds like a terrible batch of films, by the way, just about bicycle. I cannot imagine the bicycle film fest is going to be awesome. But guess what?

I'll probably be there. Yeah. You should support the, support the scene. I'm gonna bike over. And then also hand out flyers for movie while you're there.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, we're having a film festival about my dad dying. It's all films about my dad dying. It's one. Come out. My friend wrote this song. This is like 18 years ago when he was like 20 and they were like, hey, a commercial wants to license it.

I was like, sick. What is it? And he goes, I don't know, some sort of walk. And I was like, oh, okay. And then we saw it and it was a pro-life walk. Please. And I don't think he even knew what that was. That is so fun.

He's also, he's a guy who says he's pro-life, an Alabama guy. Yeah. And then I go, dude, you're not pro-life. You've, like, you've been with a few girls who have had abortions. And he goes, well, they can do, it's their choice, they can do whatever they want. But I'm pro-life. And I'm like, you described pro-choice. We have a phrase for that, actually.

You're something else. Yeah. And it's pro-choice. It's their body. They should be doing, the government should not interfere with that. I'm very passionate about that. But if I had a baby, I would never get an abortion. I'm like, that is a choice.

You are pro-choice. I was thinking the other day about the number of girls that I grew up with that were like hardcore, badass, like cool girls that once every six or seven months I'll get on Instagram and another one of them will pop up with a cross necklace. And I go, all right, that's it. There it is. The cross necklace is the official end of like They've been becoming uncool for many years

And then the cross necklace pops up And I go, it's now official, we can We can close the book, we can sign the deal, it's over. Do you believe it or do you think they've just Like when I was a kid my mom would Like I remember she would wake me up on Sunday And be like, we have to go to church And I'd be like, oh mom did something bad last night

What did she do? And do you think it's like that? I think like I actually don't have I would have thought it was so lame and I would have been so mean and judgmental about it when I was a teenager or in my early 20s. But now I just look at it and go, yeah, I think they believe it. I think they're making peace with this whole thing the way that we all are. Same way I'm making peace with all this. Like, it's, their version is like they're going to start going to church because they have kids and they want the kids to be around the grandparents and it makes them feel like the kids are being top values or whatever.

So that's their version of like making sense of how confusing and hard it is to be alive. but the part that I mourn isn't that they're like going to church and wearing cross necklaces. I think that's great. Make sense of this however you have to. Life is really fucking hard. The part that I mourn is that I think I was hoping that we would all turn out the same.

Do you know what I mean? I was hoping we would all move to big places and travel the world and like make art. And I was hoping that we would all be the same forever. And that's not actually possible. That's childish. Wow, man, I got that same thing. feeling and it hits harder every year even as my friends find success back in alabama open in a

restaurant i'm still like i should have moved to l.a with me you'd be you'd be a star right now yeah or uh it's a it's crazy like i i thought and it's it's sad to see like oh they don't go to shows anymore and then i'm like but they have these beautiful families and these careers you know and they just found something that um brings them joy as like a good grown up and like I'm still like but you're miserable right and they're like please no I love my sons today I got one of them scored a home run and I'm like you're lying you hate that little guy you you wish you were having lunch at all time yeah you're having a general meeting with someone who doesn't know anything about you no I'm down I'm like whatever make peace however you need to make peace I think

it's everything's a compromise and that you decided this was best case for you I think I'm living my best case. I wouldn't trade my situation for anyone else's. I think a lot. Like, if you, if you gave me the option to put all my problems in a bucket with everyone else's and grab a handful at random, I would hope to God that I got mine. But I don't know, everybody do whatever you want to do. I just do feel a sadness that I'm like, I had these dreams as a kid that we were going to like turn out the same and go to the same places. And now at like 3 p.m. on a Tuesday when I'm like, fuck, I want to ride my bike to the park and see a friend. There is a part of me that's sad that it'll never be those people. It'll never be the people that I am talking.

about, but it's new people now. It's different people. I get to do that with my buddies now. It just is like, yeah, that's my version of it is not going to be their version of it. And that does make me a little bit sad. And I think that's okay. I don't think that's mean. Not at all. But the cross necklace is the, the emblem that I go, okay, we have officially, if there was any hope that I was holding out that maybe you were going to. I have a friend from high school who was like huge atheist, hardcore, straight edge. like hardcore kid just like totally immersed in the hardcore scene and uh now he's catholic christian has two kids um he's just a great guy but i do find when i'm hanging out with his him and his wife

whenever i go back home i i can't tell certain stories and we can't laugh about certain things um when she's around and i uh i do that does bum me out a little bit of like you don't even know this entire life that he had when we were kids and how crazy he was. And that does bum me out. But then I look at him like speaking Spanish to his kids because she's Colombian and I go, but this is like a beautiful life.

Like this guy's like learned an entire language. And he like, he's also Mexican. And like, but when we were kids, I think he like suffered a lot being in Alabama. And like cops pulling him over because he had a skateboard, but only really fucking with him, you know? Yeah. And now he's, like, embraced his culture.

And I'm like, but look at this, man. I can't talk about how we used to catch you jacking off in public all the time. But look at this whole life, man. Damn, cool that you were in Spanish, though. Como did you say congratulations? Comos dey de say congratulations in every regard to everyone I've ever loved. still love you send all my love Come on Sidesse, do your thing, girl.

Whatever. Like I really don't, it really is not a place of judgment. It's just like, we're doing different things and I'm noticing. I'm noticing the things are different. And I don't know how it happened that way. But yeah, it is, it's not,

it doesn't shock me that someone who's a militant atheist could become a militant Catholic. Being militant about stuff is, it's very easy to flip the coin. It's very easy to flip the coin. Oh yeah, all the straight-edge kids in the hardcore scene like started shooting heroin a year later. Right.

You know? Well, because what militant, like, what militancy does for people is like this really strict type of exercising control. That's their cope. That's their like way of dealing with like being alive. Is they're like, I'm straight edge. I don't have to do that stuff. And it's like, you're just coping with the same thing that I'm coping with.

You're doing it in a different way. And it's very easy to just flip that into like, oh, yeah, now I'm addicted to heroin. it's just another type of it's control it's lack of control it's just all coping with like being alive is fucking insane none of us asked for it it's going

bad in terms of humanity in the planet it's like not we're not you would think we'd be way better at it by now the planet's kind of like dying rapidly and so at some point you have to make peace with all that and some people choose straight edge and some people choose heroin

Como Citi say do you think girl maybe that's the name of you next comedy special. I think the fold name of the comedy special is some people choose straight edge, some people choose heroin, colon, Como Cédee say, do your thing, girl. I love it. Nina?

I'm calling it. I'm calling HBO. The reason I think I even have this special is because of a guilt trip to HBO, to Nina and Aaron, who like run the specials over there. They, I wrote them a letter. They came and saw my show, and then I wrote them a letter about, like, Listen, the golden one, my first special, was great, and it was a great opportunity.

But now everybody thinks I'm a sad guy. So this next one's really silly, and it would really help my confidence if you all did this. And then it works, so. So I just wrote a letter to them. I love that so much. And I love Nina and Aaron and probably Christina sitting in a room together reading this and being like, I think we got to green light it. We got to do it or else he's going to fucking off.

after a great night with friends. Oh shit. I'm happy for a guilt trip. Look, we got to play a game. Oh, yeah. It's time to play a game. All right. You ready for this?

Do you know what this is? Well, they said there's two questions. Oh, brother. This is true or false. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. And if you get 10 or more correct, Whit, we're going to give you 50 U.S. dollars. Sick.

I'm going to take that to Resorts World Casino tomorrow before I go to JFK. That's exactly right. You ready? Mm-hmm. Okay, Monsters Inc. came out in 2004. False. False, 2001. The U.S. has won over 1,000 gold medals at the Summer Olympics.

False? True. The chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide is H202. False? True. The longest playable trumpet ever made was one... The longest playable trumpet ever made was 105 feet long. True.

True. Cool. Gulf Shores, Alabama's town... Town motto is better by the beach. No. False. It's small town, big beach. Stupid.

Because you know why? Smallest beach ever. It's a sliver. It's a beautiful beach. Sliver of the beach because they built condos directly on the beach, which shorten our beaches and took down all the dunes and seagrass. So now when hurricanes blow through, it's just like, bye-bye, golf shores. For another, you know.

But anyway, terrible. We still got Lamberts over there. Yeah, we do. Cucumbers are 95% water. True. True. Trader Joe's operates two stores in the U.S. Virgin Islands. False. False. None. The Brooklyn Bridge is longer than the Manhattan Bridge.

True. False. Paul Wallace from Houston, Texas. False. True. Cheeseburger Randy serves milkshakes in the summer. Oh my God. My guy. Alex Warner. Everybody shout out Alex Warner. I don't fucking know. True. False. The capital of Brazil is Rio de Janeiro. True. it's the big

false false it's brazilia thanks for giving that to me Saturn is the sixth planet from the sun who do you think you're talking to here then true it's true force equals mass times acceleration true true

the cube root of 216 is 6 Jesus chance the cube root of 216 is 6 false I don't even know what cube root means it's true blink 182 formed in San Diego California Yeah, true. False.

Poe, California. Oh, but that's just right outside of San Diego, man. It's the desert. Poway, California. That's just, okay, fine. Give it to him and how do you do? If we're giving him, that one, nine. Whoa.

That's bad? No, it's close. All needed was 10. You almost got there, brother. Well, I think the San Diego one is... We gave it to you. Okay, thank you. We gave it to you. That got you to nine.

Thank you. You got eight before that. Have you been to Gulf Shores? I've not been. How do you know about Lambers? Brother. They got one where you're from? Lambert.

Oh, Whitmer. When I tell you, when I was at my fattest behavior, I mean, when I was at my fattest, both in terms of literally being fat and fattest in terms of behavior, like depression, Chance and I and our friends were going to, there's one about 25 minutes south of where we went to college in Branson, like near Branson, and we would go to Lamberts and fuck it up.

We'd take 20 people in there. A lot of people don't know. If you ask for a second plate, they'll bring it to you. They don't give a shit. They will bring you. You go to Lamberts. I don't know if they still do this and I don't want to blow their spot up.

You go to Lamberts and you go, I'm still hungry. They'll go, I'll bring you another one. Yeah. No charge. By the way, here's a roll. They throw a roll at you. They fucking slap black beans on the table.

They give you fucking okra. I would have the, my favorite order at Lamberts is the fried hog jowl. I would eat a whole plate of it. And then I'd be like, bring her again, baby. And they bring me a 64 ounce mug of Coca-Cola.

Like, crazy. crazy fucking behavior. It's so good. And I loved it and I couldn't, I would, anytime I could get someone to go down there with me, I'd eat there.

I went, um, not long ago, almost kind of as a joke because I used to go there all the time as a kid. This place is trash. I've been living in L.A.

now eating at all these great restaurants. And it was just one of the best meals in my life. It over delivered. Yeah. And the vibes are sick and just, I bought merch and all that shit. I need some Lamborts. I fucking love Lamborts.

I want to go again soon. Is there like a line? Oh, Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. Well, Branson is kind of a tourist town. Big time.

When I was a kid, the girl used to sneak into my bed naked at night. She's a beautiful dancer. She quit high school because she got a job dancing at a magic show in Branson. And I remember thinking, he's going to be a star. I'm so jealous. Why didn't they ask me to come out there? Yeah. In my mind, I would be like, if I could just get to Branson.

If I could just get to Branson. You could just get to Branson. I'd be the guy. Yeah, I'd be the big guy there. It was like some guy named something Rocket, his magic show. I could just be a bald knobber or whatever the fuck the big show was in Branson. With, thanks so much for doing it. Thank you.

We got it. Do you want to tell people where they can find you? And you're about your new special? Yeah, you can just look up Whitmer Thomas and all the things and follow them and like them. Yeah, go to Letterbox and put some good review. Like, if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything. But maybe make some good reviews and mention my family. And I just want to say, like, I hope Whitmer's family is reading this.

I'm begging you guys. Please don't ever write something about me on Letterbox positive or otherwise. But go on Letterbox right now and review Witt's latest special and write glowingly about his family as many of you as possible. please do this and let's just see what happens. Yeah, and watch it on HBO. Terminal crew of dudes. Yeah, hell yeah. Thanks, dude.

It was great. Where some see heroes and others see egos. Bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes. A fad to some, the future of money to others. We see crypto's trillion dollar swings. The end of jobs or the end of human struggle. We see the endless funds fueling the AI hype. While others follow the noise, we follow the money.

Learn more at Bloomberg.com.