Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - A 20+ year struggle with Alcohol - Dave's Story

Episode Date: July 11, 2024

In this episode, Dave shares his incredible journey to sobriety. Born into a household of addiction and instability, Dave recounts his childhood experiences and the impact they had on his life choices. Moving from a tumultuous upbringing to struggling with alcohol as an adult, Dave eventually reaches a turning point that leads him to seek help and enter rehab. Dave provides hope and insight for those facing similar battles through candid discussions about his recovery process, the support he found, and the changes in his life post-rehab. The episode emphasizes the importance of honesty, support, and dedication in the journey to sobriety. ---------------- Follow Dave's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/djsobershorts/ Follow SoberMotivation on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sobermotivation/ 00:00 Introduction to Season Three 00:29 Dave's Early Life and Family Struggles 02:08 School Life and Early Realizations 04:38 Teenage Years and First Encounters with Alcohol 07:32 Reconnecting with Biological Parents 09:39 The Escalation of Addiction 16:12 Struggles with Family and Mental Health 25:17 The Turning Point: Realizing the Damage 25:48 The Final Stretch: Escalation and Consequences 29:02 The Decision to Seek Help 29:44 Entering Rehab: A New Beginning 37:11 Post-Rehab Challenges and Adjustments 40:59 Finding a New Path to Recovery 43:12 Support Systems and Overcoming Excuses 47:46 Reflecting on the Journey and Future  

Welcome to season three of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible, inspiring, and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible one story at a time. Let's go. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation Podcast. Today we've got Dave with us. Dave, how are you?

I'm doing well, man. Thank you for having me. Of course. Thank you for jumping on the show and be willing to share your story with all of us. No doubt, for sure. So what was it like for you growing up? The beginning stages of my life were pretty interesting. I was born into addiction.

Both my parents were drug addict and alcoholic. I lived with them probably for only three years of my life. And then I spent the rest of my time bouncing around family members. I was given up to my family. Luckily for me, I wasn't given up for adoption or anything, so I was able to stay within my family. But that early start was pretty rough. the first few years after not living with my parents, I was living in a house with drug addicts

that accompanied a lot of abuse, whether it be verbal abuse or physical abuse. I remember waking up in the morning and having to walk over people who had passed out the night before, and I was only, I think, kindergarten in our first grade at the time. So there was a lot of just taking care of myself having to grow up quick. And I think in hindsight, I thought that would be the factor that would fear me away for using any sort of drugs or alcohol when in fact, I think it ended up being one of the main reasons why I ended up using was to try to escape all those memories. Yeah. Wow. So things started for you fast.

And where were you born at? I was born and raised in San Diego, California. I lived there for about 18 years with different. family members. Eventually I ended up into a good home, but I think at that point, the traumatic experiences that had already happened had already settled in and started to take its toll on me without me even realizing it in that moment. Yeah. How did your school life look for you early on? It's funny because when I was younger and I was living in a household without structure, I tended to do better in school, I think because that's where I found positivity. And then when I

found myself in a home that was loving and caring, I fell off from school. So I didn't really push myself. And it was also odd because I would excel at things like math and science, but yet fail like the easy classes like food or PE. You know what I mean? It just wouldn't apply myself there for whatever reason. I was a roamer type, which is fitting because I was a roamer by nature by being given up by my family. So I didn't, I wasn't really a part of any like certain click. I just had three good friends and we just, um, roamed around the school, co-meangled with everybody. We were, you know, skaterpunks, potheads. Didn't think I would ever fall into that category. Like I said, I didn't think I would ever use any sort of drugs or alcohol. And then I did. Yeah. It's interesting,

too, with the way that things were, when you were born. And, those experiences. I mean, at what time did you realize that the way it was for you was maybe different than some of your peers? You know what I mean? The way you were being raised or you were coming up in the world. Oh, yeah. I mean, a lot of that was just seeing like my friend's families who had both parents and seemingly happy homes. You know, I don't really know what their homes were like behind closed doors. Some of my friends, my close friend came from divorced homes, which, was similar, being raised by single moms for the most part. But mine was different because I was being raised by my great aunt. So, you know, my friends would come over and I would be calling her

my aunt rather than my mom. At the time back then, I didn't refer to her as mom. Now I do refer to her as mom. So it was definitely different, you know, and hearing people talk about their dads and moms and I didn't really have that growing up and didn't have that sort of structure. So it definitely felt different. I think in hindsight now, in this exact moment of you asked me the question, I can have the feeling of almost like loss, I guess. I didn't have that. What was that like for people, you know? And it was something that I always wanted to give to my kids was to be a good parent, something like I longed forward to do. Yeah. So where do you go as you venture through school and when do you get some stability in the household? Like, when does that start for you?

Yeah, so I would say probably around 5th grade, 6th grade, I ended up in a good home being raised by my great aunt. And that was a blessing. You know, she had already raised her kids. She didn't really have to take me in. She had two daughters and a son. Two out of the three of those kids also struggled with addiction. And she had already had her hands full and did her part. You know, so she didn't really have to take me in.

I just got lucky my cousin ended up seeing me in the home that was full of drugs and had went to her and said, hey, I think we need to help him. And they ended up taking me in. And that was awesome. I went from like the dirty grime household to in my world, it was a mansion when really, you know, I didn't live in a mansion. I lived in apartments. But in fact, it was way better than what I had came from. And there was love, but, you know, I didn't really know, I think, younger, how to accept that love because I wasn't used to it. I spend a lot of my time now trying to tell my mom how much I appreciate what she did for me and how much I love her because back then, I think I took it for granted. You know, I was a punk kid and she always says I was a good kid, but I

know reality. Like, I was out roaming around, making all kinds of trouble, you know. Um, So it was hard for me to accept, and I think part of the reason why I fell into drinking so much because I wouldn't allow myself to let any sort of happiness in. I just didn't think I was deserving of it. Like, why would I be deserving? My own parents didn't want me, you know? Like, what makes me able to be happy? And so that's where a lot of the comfort from drinking came in, because I could numb all those emotions

and felt this is what I'm destined to be. my parents are this, so I'm going to be this, you know. Yeah. It's so interesting, right? Because it's a common trend, I think. And a lot of stories I've heard here on the podcast is you grow up with one example. And then it's like, oh, you know, this is never going to be my life. And then later down the road, we find out that's the path that we're on as well in one way or another.

I mean, shaped a lot differently in our own way. But yeah, it's that thing. And I can only imagine how that would play out right with your parents. feel like that rejection so early on with that, with your parents and then maybe seeing that through friends and through other people, how they're, you know, connecting as a family and, you know, just longing for something like that. And like you mentioned, too, for you being a parent, it was like, okay, you know, I want to do this differently. Did you ever talk with your folks throughout all of this, like up to high school or these years? Oh, yeah, my biological

parents. Yeah. So when I was 16, my dad ended up tracking me down. And at that point in time, he was sober. He had then got sober and wanted to reconnect. At that time, I didn't want anything to do with him. You know, I was like, no, I don't really want a part of that. When I turned 18, I was living in the Bay Area. And my drinking had, or sorry, back then it was more of my drug use than it was my drinking. I had dabbled with hallucinogens, cocaine, you know, you name it.

I was doing it. And that was escalating and I was getting drunk in public and just making poor choices. So I needed to get out of California and my dad lives here in Missouri. So I reached out to him and he offered me a bus ticket to come out and stay with him. So at the time, I thought he was sober. And when I got here, at that point I was 20 years old. And when I got here in Missouri, he was not sober. And I ended up living inside of a house of everything I was trying to get away from.

you know, everything I was trying to escape, which made it super difficult. So we didn't really have a great bond. It was more like two buddies, you know, getting hammered together was what it was. My biological mom, I didn't really get in contact with her until probably heard from her little bits and pieces of her, but to actually talk to her and connect with her was until I was probably in my 30s. And she's sober, not doing great. She's done a lot of damage to her body, but she's sober, so that's a blessing. But my dad now has since been 20 years sober, and he lives to me, and we now have a better

relationship. You know, it's not a complete father-son relationship, but it's something we're working on and getting better at. And definitely he's somebody I leaned on when I went to rehab. And, you know, he's got a lot of years under his belt and done a lot of work. Yeah, wow, yeah, that's incredible. Wow, 20 years. Yeah.

So going back in this story a little bit too, like when did the partying, the drugs, the drinking and all of that start for you? I had my first drink when I was 16. I went all in. I did 13 shots of gin pretty much back to back. And you would think that would be enough to deter me from drinking again. It was a lot. But it didn't because once it hit me and once I had that feeling of, oh man, I don't really have to think about anything. I just numbed all these thoughts.

it became something that I clinging on to. And I didn't really see that coming. You know, it didn't really escalate until I was 20 and I had moved out of my house and was living in the Bay Area. And at that point, I found liquor stores that would sell it to me. They wouldn't ID me. And it was just game on from there, you know, a lot of everyday drinking, all day drinking. And then, you know, like I said, I ended up moving to me. Missouri and the pattern just continued for quite some time. I'd say for at least 20 to 22 years of pretty consistent almost everyday drinking. Yeah. Yeah. So 22 years. So when you're, what do you do after high school? Do you get a job or anything after high school? Yeah. You know, I worked at Blockbuster.

Little jobs never had much of a career until I was in Missouri. I got a job at Trader Joe's. 17 years ago, I started at Trader Joe's, which was cool because that kind of sent me on a career path because I'm a manager there now, and it gave me the career I needed. But all these, you know, positives and jobs that I had were also giving me the excuse that as long as I was holding down a job, I don't have a drinking problem, right? If I'm getting up and going to work, then I don't have a problem. I'm quote-unquote functioning. A word I shy away from because I feel like saying functioning addict gives you the excuse, you know, when you're in that moment. But for all purposes, I was functioning as far as keeping the job and everything.

And just gave me the excuse to keep going, you know, paid my bills and all that. Yeah. And so when you first start out, when did you notice things progressing? Or was it always like when you hit that 20-ish range, like it was just daily or were you experiencing any consequences early on from drinking? Yeah. When I was 20, that was a big year for me, I think, you know, in hindsight, looking back to realize that there was a problem. I was very emotional. You know, a lot of the emotions from my childhood were coming out. A lot of those traumas that I didn't know how to process, I would get really angry or I'd be really sad and, you know, get drunk and start crying and I'd want to hit things. And I'd get arrested for being drunk in public. You know, I think I got arrested probably six times. in a year for drunken public. They knew me by name, police officers.

I couldn't quite understand why. Back then, I couldn't really name what was going on. I was just that guy that was getting drunk and would be super emotional. It just didn't know how to handle it all. I think at one point back then, I took like a six-month hiatus from drinking and thought that I, quote-unquote,

fixed myself, I guess you could say, and, you know, went right back in on it again, especially when I moved here into Missouri at the end of that year. It really escalated more. Yeah. Did you ever throughout all of this even when you were younger? Was there any type of intervention or counseling or any type of support offered to you? No, nobody, you know, throughout all my drinking, there would be like maybe people would say subtle things like, maybe you should take a break or something like that.

But, like, I was never pressed. I didn't go to counseling until I was probably. maybe even 40. I made it when I was 40. I think I never wanted to go to counseling. I didn't want to admit that I needed it. I didn't think it was for me. I would try to tell myself all the time, I'm okay with the past, you know, that made me who I am today. I'm fine with it. I'm totally fine. You know, there was never an intervention. I was, you know, at some point I ended up having two kids and I was married and, you know, it was another instance of me functioning because I was holding a job down and I had a family and a house and all these things.

You know, I would have fleeting moments of maybe I should stop and I would have fleeting bits of time where I would stop. But I wouldn't call it like sober time. It was just me stopping, you know, like hitting a reset button basically. But nothing substantial. Yeah. Some people refer to that as like maybe a punishment for themselves too, right? Like, I can't handle it. So this is what I need to do.

But not necessarily looking at, you know, the entire picture here about why is it that I, enjoy or maybe not even enjoy drinking at that point, but why do I keep going back to something that's causing so much damage in a sense? Yeah, like putting yourself in time out or something. You know. Yeah, go sit in the corner for a month and then go back at it. Yeah. Yeah, totally.

You know, I think it's harder too when you're in your 20s because you're telling yourself, like, that's what everybody's doing, right? I'm just partying like everybody else. I'm 21, 25, and this is what we do, you know. which just steals that even more. Well, especially too, I think I can relate to that in a sense. When I look back now, because I told myself the same stuff, right, everybody's doing it.

But when I look back now, like, that was so far from the truth. I surrounded myself with people that were going to just co-assign what I wanted to do and how I wanted to act. And then when you go to jail, you get arrested. It's, oh, man, you know, like, people think it's cool. And then when I look back, I'm like, I was really just part of the wrong crowd for me. like everybody on their own, or individually,

where we're all, you know, good folks, good people. When we got together, we had just the worst ideas of what that we should be doing. Yeah,

that was well said. You hung around with people that co-signed you. I love that. That's so true. Like, even when, you know,

later on in life, when I went to rehab and I entered recovery, I started to see, oh, wait, like, not everybody goes to a function

and drinks, you know, like when I would start to go out and do things from like, I'm at dinner and I'm looking at tables and I'm like, wait, not all these people have alcohol at their table. That's weird because when I would go out before, I just assumed everybody had alcohol at their table, you know, and not the reality. That was me rationalizing things.

Yeah. Oh, it's so true. And then, yeah, it's not how it all plays out. So, I mean, as you progressed there, too, you mentioned you had kids and like, how did that look? Was that in Missouri? Yeah, that was in Missouri. Yeah. I had two kids, not planned with my ex-wife.

We weren't married then, but then we ended up getting married. And it was great. You know, I always wanted kids. I always wanted to be a good dad. And the bar for me to be a better dad was low. So, you know, and when I'm talking about excuses or making myself feel better for the drinking I was doing, that bar was super low. So me having eight to ten beers a night was nothing in comparison to what my parent did, right? and I had a house and I had a job, so I was winning.

You know, I was going to my kids' functions and all of the stuff that a seemingly good father would do. So, you know, it made me feel good about it. But ended up getting divorced. And when we got separated, I didn't have a home. I was staying at a friend's house and I would go in and out of hotels, so I had a place for my kids to stay at. And that was really one of the lowest points for my children. drinking. It was really a hard time because I had hit that lower bar that I had set for myself, you know, not having a place for my kids to be. I didn't have a room for them to stay in, and those

things were really weighing on me. And back then, the decision making was really poor, you know, driving with my kids in the car while I was drunk and definitely shouldn't have been behind the wheel. You know, those moments are things that really sat with me for a long time at the early stages of my recovery. I have a lot of regret for that. I'm thankful that nothing happened because any number of things could have went wrong back then. You know, thankfully they didn't, but that's something that I've held on to. I've talked about it with my kids. Like I said, I'm open. My kids have been a part of my recovery since the beginning, since the day I left to rehab. I've been open and honest with them. So, yeah. Why is that something that's really important to you? To be loud about my recovery?

Yeah, just to be honest with people, because, I mean, just, you know, just sharing. sharing that and to be honest with your kids and stuff like that, right? Yeah, it's important for me to be loud about it because I think the louder I am, the more chances what I'm saying can hit somebody that might be riding the fence on where they need to make a decision, you know, and I'm not here to push anybody one way or the other, you know? I'm here to tell my experiences and if it helps somebody, then that's amazing. and if it just sits with somebody and resonates for a little bit, then that's cool too, you know. But from the jump, I wanted to be honest about it.

I didn't want to have another thing that I was trying to, like, hide or shy away from. I had done that for so many years, right? And that had led me to a lot of poor decision making. So when I made the decision to go to rehab in that very moment, you know, I called my work, told my work that they could tell everybody that works there where I'm at because I was going to be gone for, you know, 30-plus days. I called all my family. I talked to my girlfriend. I told my kids where I was flying to, you know, it was super important. And plus, the people that I had talked to in my life that had gone to recovery or gone to rehab had also given me the advice of, you're going to

get out of this process what you pour into it, you know. So for me, I wanted to pour myself into it because I didn't want to have to go back and forth to rehab and jump through all these hoops all over again, I wanted to be dedicated and try to get it as right as I could the first time, you know. Yeah. So as things progressed there before leading up to the rehab stay that you hinted at there, how do things look, you know, from above for your life, right? I'm seeing the picture here. I mean, you're showing up to work. You're doing what needs to be done there. This seems like a big transition too with the separation of your wife at the time. And, you know, now things are they're rocky for you right that picture that you wanted to be as a father and how you wanted to show up

is compromised a little bit by this move and stuff and that's weighing on you when stuff like this happened in your life i mean did you just drown it out even more and more with alcohol did you find yourself reaching more in that direction yeah so so during the separation definitely i just kept drowning things out and drinking heavier and heavier. It got really bad. I then ended up getting an apartment with my girlfriend and things went back to that, I guess you can call it, calmer stage of drinking where it was just the, you know, eight beers at home at night after work, started to feel better about myself. I had a place. Now my kids were staying with me again. You know, the divorce was final. Everything was getting back to that normalcy that it was before.

I guess you could say. But then the moodiness began to happen, right? Like I'd start to get really angry, and I would have a lot of anger lashing out. I was picking arguments with my girlfriend constantly arguing. The day drinking began to get more frequent and less sporadic. You know, I'd have a day off, and I'd want to wake up and have the excuse to start drinking,

so I would drop the kids off at school. until my girlfriend I was going to pick up breakfast for us. And it wasn't just to be the nice day and get breakfast, right? It was to go to the place that has alcohol and will serve me a drink while I'm waiting for breakfast. And that kind of progressed, and I started to be less and less happy, you know. And things got better. We got a house. And I had two other kids at this point, you know.

Everything from an outside perspective should be great. But yet, I couldn't allow any of that happiness in. just kept finding reason after reason to drink and reason after reason to treat my girlfriend poorly and then feel bad about it the next day and say, oh, won't happen again, or it was only because I was drinking and that cycle just kept going on and on for, you know, a few years for sure. Yeah, well, and how do you feel about yourself, you know, how is your mental health being impacted by this? How are you feeling? Are you even having a real chance to? to really get into the feelings, you know, throughout the cycle.

Because from what it sounds like you, this was an everyday thing for you, right? Drinking every day was part of it. Yeah. Yeah, for sure, drinking every day was a thing. I would, you know, I would tell myself, it's Monday. I'm not going to drink today. I'll wait until I hit the weekend. And then I'd have one minor thing happen in my day, whether it was I stubbed my toe to

it was a bad day at work. And that would be my reason to drink, right? I don't think I focused too much on my mental health of it back then. Like, I didn't think really that the reason why I was drinking was because I was struggling with things. I was older at this point. In my head, I could be over all of those things, you know. Also, in those moments, I didn't think I was doing anything wrong.

I blamed everybody else for the reason why I was upset. I didn't, I thought I could do no wrong, right? So I didn't really focus on that. I did start going to counseling for a little bit, and back then I thought I was, doing counseling the right way. I was going in and, you know, I'd be hung over, but I'd be talking about things, talking about my childhood, and I'd come out of it thinking that I had a good session and that I was really taking care of myself. And when really, I wasn't really opening up, I wasn't being honest with myself and how I was really feeling. I wasn't getting any of that off

of my chest, you know. So in hindsight, now I wasn't worried about my mental health. It was really just eating at me, eating me up. Yeah. Yeah, I'm with you on that too. I did get to counseling and in therapy and I would just, I call it just keeping the seat warm. I was keeping the seat warm for the next guy. It is really hard. I mean, even doing that and getting down, you know, getting to the real work is definitely, there's definitely a skill involved, I think. You know what I mean? A skill involved as, as, you know, the therapist or counselor, but as well as us for like participants in the process and it kind of comes back to what you mentioned there you heard early on advice before you

went to treatment you're going to get out of this what you potentially put in and they say it's an interesting story because we hear it so many times right we do these different you know maybe interventions or these different things right we try meetings or we try to talk to our doctor or we try to open up their friends but in my story like I did all that stuff to get people off my back. I wasn't actually personally really interested in making the changes. I was just trying to free up a little bit of space because I felt like they were on me. People were on me to make changes. And I found that, you know, this whole thing really for me didn't really work out until I was really interested in saving my own life. You know, everybody else wanted it to work out. Of course, right?

People who love us, it's devastating for them to see the damage. And I think for them, they can see it a lot more clearly than we can, you know, at times, right? Like, we get wrapped up in it. It sounds like from your story, too. And I can relate with that as we get wrapped up in it. It's really hard to see sort of everything that's going on or how damaging that this really is for our lives. So, I mean, what age would you range that you're at right now with the story?

Right now, I think I'm around the, you know, I'm about 40 years old at that point. That last stretch, I'm 45 now. I think I was 2.43 when I entered rehab. And that last stretch was doosy. It really escalated. By the time I hit the pinnacle, that last day of my drinking, you know, my girlfriend was done with our relationship. In hindsight, I didn't know that. I didn't know that in that moment.

Also, it wouldn't have surprised me with the way that I was acting and treating her. You know, it was a shitty way to treat somebody that you love. but the last two years for sure escalated. The day drinking, like I was saying, really escalated. And I would try to take a day off here and there to try to, like you said, create that space to get people off my back. But at that point, it wasn't really doing what I wanted it to do. I was never pressured.

You know, my girlfriend never approached me and gave me an ultimatum or anything like that. It was something I would mention loosely, oh, I'm going to try not to drink. And if I can't do it, then maybe I need help. And then, you know, I think those. And those moments were just words coming out of my mouth, not really having any weight to them at all. That the last like couple months, I had a couple big moments with my drinking, embarrassing moments that had happened. And I had made a drive to Kansas City, which is like a three-hour drive. And in both ways, I drank the whole way there and the whole way back.

And when I say it now, when it comes out of my mouth, that's like absurd. I can't even believe I did that, let alone. and got away with it and nobody got hurt. That's just crazy to me that even happened. You know, I embarrassed myself at a wedding. It was a good buddy at mine's wedding, and I was supposed to give a speech there, and I totally bombed the whole thing.

And all leading up to, you know, my final night drinking, which started early in the day. It was the day that I could have spent with my girlfriend and my kids at Six Flags, and instead I chose to find a reason to be angry at her and the world, and just drink all day. And I went really heavy into it

and ended up at a bar. At the end of the night, the bar was not wanting me to drive home. So they ended up getting me an Uber. And the Uber ended up taking me to the address that I had on my ID, which was my old address, and not my house. So I got out of the car, told the Uber driver, this isn't where I live.

And he refused to take me back to my house. And I passed out in the lawn, in the front lawn, my old apartment complex and my girlfriend had to find me at three o'clock in the morning. You know, she used my location to find me. I remember her waking me up and me looking up at her. And even in that, you know, belligerent state when I made eye contact with her, that was kind of the moment that I knew something had to change. I couldn't have be 42 years old passing out in the front lawn somewhere, you know,

her having to tell the kids that she has to go find me and get me is just super embarrassing and not fair to anybody involved really so I woke up that next day you know she got me home I flipped in the car and woke up that next day and made the decision to go to rehab and told my son was the first person I told I picked him up from football practice and told him and he looked at me and put his hand on my back and was like everything's going to be okay dad you know which was a really pivotal moment for me. He was 13 at the time. Sometimes I wonder if I should have even put that heaviness on him in that moment,

being the first person I told. But he gave me exactly what I needed, you know, and let me know that it was going to be okay. And within four to five hours from that moment, I was on a plane flying out to California to go to rehab. Wow. Thanks for sharing that, man. It's always interesting the stories about the night before.

You know, we make maybe, for sober people, maybe the biggest decision of our entire lives. We're the best decision for our entire lives. I mean, what did you see there? So you made that eye contact. I mean, what did you see there? You know what I mean, was there a lot of pain? Was there sadness? Was there, you know, it seemed to really hit you, right?

Even in that moment of drunkenness per se. Yeah, I think what I saw was a mix. of like disappointed like I had failed, you know, us, which was really heavy. One of the things that has come out of this whole process is in that moment when she looked at me, you know, she was done. That was her final moment, right? And then I wake up the next day and say, I'm going to rehab and she has to take all of those emotions and she shelved them, you know, so she could be there to support me. And I wasn't aware of that in that moment.

You know, I just selfishly thought, cool, I'm getting the support I need. I'm going to rehab. This is awesome, you know. But it wasn't until a while later that she let me know, like, she was done and her emotions were put on the shelf, and she never got to process any of those because she had to switch straight to supporting me and my decision, you know, which is awesome for me. But that sounds selfish, right? Thanks for supporting me.

But it was an important thing for me to hear as heavy as it was, too, because we got to revisit that. And I needed to understand that. My early recovery was really rocking. I may have stopped drinking, but I was using a lot of my same anger and manipulation tactics and blame. I was trying to navigate through it, and I wasn't doing well at all.

So our relationship definitely took a strain early on. When I got back from rehab, it was really tough. Yeah. So are you guys still together? We are. Yeah. Oh, okay. And we're better than ever. Yeah. Oh. Okay. Because the way you were mentioning it there that she was done, I thought the next thing was that she was going to hang around for a bit and then break the news to you in rehab, Dave. Yeah. Dave food not. We actually revisit these conversations every once in a while just to see. And I was actually picking her brain the other day and asking her like if she thought was the, plan like get me back from rehab and then be like okay cool you're good like I'm over you know and luckily for me she wasn't ready to throw in the towel because she saw that I did make a big

decision and so she wanted to see how it all played out me you know I think like I said we had a lot of strain we reached that moment again after rehab where it was like what are we going to do this is bad we decided to go to counseling together and that was huge that helped us a lot after I hit my first year of sobriety, a lot in me started to change too. Getting to that year was really difficult. Like I said, I just kept falling into the same patterns even though I wasn't drinking. It still really had a lot of anger. And I had to figure out all of that. I thought it took a long time for me to realize that this is my recovery, you know, and I was trying to want, especially her, to do my recovery for me or with me. You know what I mean? And that's not her

responsibility, but it took me a long time to realize that. You know, it's not easy to admit that all of this weight is on your shoulders to fix yourself. You know what I mean? That's a lot of work. Yeah. Key word there, work, right? And it's also that interesting thing, and you might be able to relate to this or maybe not.

But I think when we're struggling with that daily drinking and we're struggling with the battle of addiction and everything like that, it makes a lot of sense to us, I think, that if we remove the substance, hey, things are going to be gravy. We're going to be on the up and up. Then what happened for me, and I think what happens for a lot of us is that, okay, now we've just removed something that, you know, at one point in time, I hate to admit it, but it worked really well. You know, the alcohol, the drugs, it worked really well to keep things going. And then at some point, it switches and it stops working, and it starts causing more chaos and more pain and more hurt than maybe it's able to even provide the relief from. But it's that part then we get rid of the substance.

then it's so raw, it's so real. It's like now the emotions and there's nowhere to run necessarily from all this stuff, right? And you've got to face it head on. So you're getting to rehab like in the next day, I'm curious, right? Were you familiar with rehab? Did you look at this before because it seems like it was pretty quick or did you just reach out to the right person that they were able to set you up this to make this happen? Well, luckily my insurance through work is amazing.

They have an employee's distance program that really just took care of everything for me. But as I mentioned, I reached out to, like, my dad, my ex-wife's fiance, my nephew, people that I had known have gone through this process because I wanted to know what I was walking into, you know, and collectively they all said the same thing. You've made the decision for yourself. Now, what are you going to do about it, you know? What work are you going to put into it, you know? So I made the decision on the way there, you know, okay, I'm going to do this thing.

I'm going to go all in. I'm not going to shy away from it. and showed up that night, got checked in, they come in detox. And when I woke up the next day, I walked into the group that they were having. And the counselor looked at me and he was like, well, you're in detox. You don't have to be in the group. And I told him, I said, no, I told myself that I'm going to go all in on this thing. And I'm going to start today, you know, and I sat down in the first group right then and there

and just doping and was super open in that moment, super vulnerable, told my story, you know, and just kept opening up. And I'm listening. I mean, I was taking notes after notes. You know, it's funny when you're taking those notes in that moment, I'm like, cool. I'm writing the manuscript that's going to help me when I get back home. When you get back home, those notes don't really do everything that you want them to do in real-life moments, you know. But I really poured into it, which I think was important to do.

Yeah, well, for sure, 110%. You know, because oftentimes, a lot of times, and you might have even seen it at this program, I don't know. people will get to rehab and then a couple days in talked themselves out of even needing to be there and even towards that. So you get in there and I mean you jump right in and we hear this story a lot too, right? Because you went all in with the drinking, you went all in with that, that stuff. And you know, a lot of us are all or nothing people and you do this thing. And I mean, sometimes those are the best things, right? If we sit back, we think about it all and we just let time pass. You know, I think it's a good thing, man, to really get in there, you know, make this,

decision in for it to happen fast, right? Because you can lose those windows for people who want to get sober. It's really important that, you know, they move quick or the support or whoever is helping them. When they say, hey, I'm ready to do it, it's got to be quick because you hang up for a couple days and our mind might change. And I'm sure probably throughout your story, you have those days where you're like, I'm not drinking today. And then, you know, I think Starkey could get going and the wheels get turning. And it's like that, you know, I can go out the window really quick. So you leave rehab and you come back to, you know, to the real world type thing, right? Rehab's incredible, by the way, for anybody who is interested in checking out, it's a good place to

remove you from a lot of the stress and the day-to-day grind of life and put you in a safe place with people with a ton of experience and other people that are going through all of this. What a lot of people realize on the other end of 30 days, it seems like a long time at the beginning, right? Thirty days, my goodness, but it flies by and it's really not that long and you come out the other end and, you know, your life's waiting for you, you know, for most of us, right? I remember getting out of rehab and I went to South Florida, you know, this is my second or third time in rehab and I was like, you know, this is going to be great. At the time, I was in a really bad spot and I was, you know, living on my brother's floor in his

apartment and I didn't have any belongings or, you know, anything, no job, nothing. And I felt really good, walking out of rehab, you know? Here's my shot, man, to really do something with my life. And then I just remember, you know, opening up the door and the loneliness kicks back in. The sadness kicks back in. And I was, you know, right back to where I was before, sober. And then now all the other pieces of the puzzle start coming. What was that experience like for you? You know, I mean, after your 30 days.

Yeah, that was, you know, coming back home, I'm like, oh, cool. I get to go back home. You know, I did this 30 days. I have my notebook. I feel great about it. I really did a lot of learning. And you come back and you realize you're the one that changed, right? Like, you're the one that started to change and everything else around you stayed the same, you know? So it's like a huge reality check. Okay, wait, like now I'm actually around real-time emotions that are popping up. Like, the kids are acting crazy and now I'm getting sort of stressed out about it. And this is where I would

normally turn to a drink because I've had a stressful day. You know what I mean? So you're trying to navigate all that and figure it all out in real time. And it's happened really fast, really fast, you know. I had to learn to vocalize when I was having a craving when I had them. I had to say it out loud. I had to really rely on my honesty with myself to try to get through those moments. So, you know, I'd be at work and I'd pull somebody aside and be like, hey, I'm having a craving to have a drink tonight. I don't think I'm going to do it, but I'm just letting you know. You know, I had to be really, really vocal about it with, you know, was good that I was vocal and upfront about me going to rehab in the first place because it made it easier. I didn't have to start this awkward conversation with somebody.

They already knew. In the same breath, I feel like I had eyes on me all the time too. Is this guy going to snap today? It's he going to break today? which also brought on another set of pressured, right? But it just, it happens really fast, so I had to find a way to try to slow things down. And for that, I just started waking up really early in the morning

and being able to have time to myself, wake up before anybody gets up, and I just get to have that moment of quiet to myself, you know? Also, early on, I was going to AA meetings, because when I was in rehab, they were, we were going to meetings five days a week, and I didn't really know that there was any other way to recover. So I was going to AA meetings pretty consistently for the first three months, like every day.

But it just really wasn't for me. It wasn't sinking in for me. I like going and being in a room with people that could understand what I was going through, right? Like that part was cool or hearing stories from people, which was cool. But I knew I had to find something else because that just, it wasn't resonating with me. I started going back to counseling and that really started to help. And I started getting on various different sober apps and, you know, saying my story and stuff. And from there, I started sharing on Instagram and then it was like a snowball.

You know, like I shared my story once and then I'm hearing from people that are like, hey, that story sits with me or, yeah, I recover the same way. And then I started to realize, wait a minute, there's like a whole group of people out here that have their own way of recovery, they have their own process on how that they're doing this thing. And it was really eye opening to me. You know, I was like, wow, I don't have to do this in the cookie cutter version. I can make this Dave's recovery and really do it how I want to do it, you know? Because at the end of the day, there's one rule and that's don't use or don't drink, right? And how I'm doing that is up to me. Yeah. No, that's beautiful. Yeah, to offer some flexibility and what you can connect with, right?

because that's the thing is we got to stick around and we got to find some other people that we can connect with and, you know, be part of something a little bit bigger than us, right? Sounds like you found exactly that. I'm thinking about this. I have this. A lot of people come up with this and maybe you have something similar, right? It's, hey, you know, my life is, you know, I'm in a rough spot. I need help.

I need some help with how to get sober. And then you could mention, hey, why don't, you know, maybe look at options for rehab. No, I can't go to rehab. I've got my job. and I don't want anybody to know that I've got this problem and I've got kids and, you know, I get it. There's a lot of people have a lot of stuff going on. I mean, what are your thoughts on that, right? Because my thoughts just to fast forward a little bit is, you know, if you go to rehab for 30 days, yeah, of course you got all that stuff.

But I'm really curious to see how your employer handled it. And I'm really curious to see if you had those thoughts and how you work through it. Because I know that our situations, obviously Dave out there where people cannot just. up and leave for 30 days. I get that. There's probably those situations. But I think as well, there's probably people out there who just make that excuse, you know, just be a straight shooter with it, make that excuse about what you can't do. We don't want to let the cat out of the bag type thing. And I'm really enjoying the aspect of your story about you getting honest with people and getting honest with yourself about, hey, where this thing has taken me in the journey that I'm on

now. What are your thoughts on that, though, about all the excuses about not getting help? Yeah. I mean, the biggest thing for me is I don't think that society as a whole makes it easy for somebody to say or do, right? So much, so much shame comes with it. I mean, even the label alcoholic, right? You hear the word alcoholic and you start to think about things you've seen in a movie or you think of the homeless person laying on a railroad track with a brown bag in their hand, right? I think society's role in that has made it really difficult for people to be open and honest about it, you know, I can understand not wanting to go to rehab. That's a huge step and seems like something that's so daunting. But in the grand scheme of things, what's 30 days

if it can change the rest of your life, right? That's just 30 days and it's changed so much in my life. I've never felt better. It's the best decision I've ever made. You know, you got to be able to get beyond that fear. And once you can get past that, that initial fear, you can find the beauty that's beyond that, you know. Do that kind of answer the question? Yeah, no, that's great. And I think that's what it is. I think for a lot of times, and I'm only guessing here, but I think for a lot of times, there's a lot more behind. I think there's that surface level stuff. Well, I can't, I can't. But there's all then behind that, another layer to that is fear. Fear is holding us back of the unknown, right? What to expect? What is it going to be like?

Hey, I'm going to, you know, have to hopefully move on from this substance that's been a part of my life for X amount of years. And it's very scary, the unknown. I even look back in my journey, as destructive as it was. It was really comfortable. I knew it to expect day in and day out, like for the most part. I mean, there were wrenches thrown in the tire every now and then where I was like, oh, okay, well, that wasn't really part of the plan. But I think that I got comfortable with sort of living in the sadness and living in blaming everybody else and living in, you know, the pity parties and just being like, poor me. I'll never figure it out and, you know, help me and not really accepting help. I just found comfort in that. And it was a very scary place to be because I wasn't striving for anything different for a long time.

But I think, yeah, what you said there is so powerful. For you, it was the best decision you made. And at the end of the day, I mean, 30 days just really isn't much, especially if it's going to provide you the freedom on the other side to really get things together. What was it like with your employer when you mentioned to, you know, to them, right? Because that's another thing. People are really worried about going into treatment, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm super lucky that in all areas of my life, I had a ton of support. The second that I called my job, they were immediately like, yeah, do whatever you have to do. My job was going to be there when I got back. The store I work at as a whole has all supported every bit of my journey. You know, I'm super, super thankful for all the support that I've had. You know, when you go into rehab in the beginning, I'm hearing stories from people that don't have the support or don't have the insurance and don't have the job backing them. I almost felt guilty at times talking about that aspect of my story because I had so much support

behind me. I understand not everybody has that, but there's other support out there too, right? Like, I've also found support in strangers, you know what I mean? Like, I follow you all the time and I find your message is supportive. You know what I mean? Like, there's a ton of support out there, even if it's not the person right next to you. You just have to find a way to apply that. to you, you know. Jobs, I mean, we could go on about jobs. That's probably a whole bigger topic. Like, I think jobs should just provide that if somebody needs that assistance and is willing to go. I think, you know, that society as a whole needs to make it easier for people to go to rehab and get help that they need. It's hard. Like, here in Missouri, I don't even think there's more

than two rehab facilities that people can go to. It's just not here, but there's bars everywhere, right? Yeah. It's interesting how that plays out. Yeah. Well, Dave, incredible, man. So you got sober on August 12th, 2022. Yeah. You know, it's really, I think, an important message to you share about that first year. You know, the first year is a tough one to get through. But not that be any of them are easier. But, you know, I think two things are at play. The further we get a little bit stronger, more tools. And there is a, there is probably the element of things get more comfortable and we really grow into, you know, know, just this sober lifestyle and that's like the way that we live. But that first year is really tough. So well done on all of it. And I really appreciate you jumping in here and Sharon. I'm just wondering before we sign off, is there anything else you want to mention to, you know, maybe bring us up to present day? Yeah, the first thing I want to touch on is we were just talking about how people

are saying that they can't and they can't. And if we're listening out there, I just want to sit here and tell you that you can. I know it seems like I'm just a guy spouting words, but I promise you, you can. It's the first message I want to say. The other thing is today's life, today's Dave, is living in a dream world. You know, it is all of the things that I said that I wanted to be. You know, I'm a better father. I'm a better partner. I'm a better employee at my job. I'm healthier. I'm fitter. All the things that I wanted to do are being executed today. And it's made me the happiest that I've ever been.

And I'm able to allow myself to accept the happiness and know that I'm worth it. So it's been a ride, but it's been so worth it. Yeah. What's one thing, too, I'm really curious that you've learned about yourself throughout all of this? That I'm limitless. There's no limit to what I can do if I apply myself. I'm stronger than I ever thought I was, and I don't mean that in strength. I mean that, like, in my mind.

I've learned that I sold myself short for 20 plus years and didn't give myself enough credit. And now I know that anything that I want to set out to do, I can accomplish it. Beautiful, man. A tower house. Dave. I love that. It's so interesting, right? Because sobriety seems to provide everything we were trying to find in the bottle or in the addiction.

It provides the true freedom. of not having to wake up in our first thought being our next drink or our next drug or how we're going to make this happen. And it frees up a lot of time that we can put that effort into other things and the confidence for people get sober just seems to explode. It takes a little bit of time, but it really seems to explode. Yeah, I feel like time is like flowed down so much. I've never had so much time on my hand. You know what I mean? Like now I know what it's like to have a day off when I have a day off. Like, wow.

Like, I felt like I had hours of just not doing anything. It's crazy how fast things were moving when I was drinking. Super light speed. Yeah. Does it ever surprise you that you're, this is how you're living now? Yeah. Yeah. It's a good surprise.

You know, sometimes I like to just look around or have a moment where I just watch my kids from afar and I'm just like, you know, it's like in a movie as like, the cameras panning back or something like that. I'm just sitting there looking, wow, this thing is happening, you know, like, it's happening right now. And it's happening because of me and the people around me that support me, obviously. But at the end of the day, you know, I did the work for this and I show like I've earned it. And I try to absorb every ounce of it that I can.

Beautiful, man. Well, thank you again, Dave. Thank you. Thank you, Brad.