Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - After a three-day alcohol bender, Megan had an experience that would kick-start her sobriety journey.

Episode Date: October 23, 2024

In this episode, I welcome Megan, who shares her powerful sobriety journey. Megan opens up about her struggles with perfectionism, early exposure to alcohol, postpartum anxiety, and the loss of her father. After a life-changing moment on Easter 2019, she embraced spontaneous sobriety and immersed herself in various recovery methods, including therapy, AA, and online support communities. Megan emphasizes the importance of living authentically, finding joy in recovery, and connecting with others for a fulfilling, sober life. Support the Podcast: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivation Join the Sober Motivation Community: https://sobermotivation.mn.co Megan on IG: https://www.instagram.com/meganeileen3/ 00:00 Introduction and Guest Welcome 00:11 Megan's Childhood and Early Struggles 01:45 Teenage Years and First Encounters with Alcohol 03:59 College Life and Escalating Drinking Habits 09:39 Post-College Life and Motherhood 12:31 Struggles with Postpartum Anxiety and Drinking 14:05 The Turning Point and Path to Sobriety 24:35 Facing Defeat and Embracing Vulnerability 25:23 Reflecting on Life Choices 25:42 The Turning Point: Choosing Sobriety 26:18 Struggles and Values: A Personal Journey 26:44 The Reality of Addiction 28:38 Rediscovering Joy and Connection 29:12 Building a Support System 30:22 Sharing the Journey Publicly 31:59 Finding Balance and Purpose 43:04 Overcoming Challenges in Sobriety 45:12 A Message of Hope and Gratitude

Welcome to Season 3 of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible, inspiring, and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode, I welcome Megan, who shares her powerful journey of sobriety. Megan opens up about her struggles with perfectionism, early exposure to alcohol, postpartum anxiety, and the loss of her father.

After a life-changing moment on Easter, 2019, She embraced spontaneous sobriety and immersed herself in various recovery methods, including therapy, AA, and online support communities. Megan emphasizes the importance of living authentically, finding joy in the recovery process, and connecting with others for fulfilling sober life. And this is Megan's story on a sober motivation podcast. What's going on, everyone out there?

Thank you, as always, for tuning in to another episode as we creep up here pretty quickly to 200 episodes here on the podcast. I want to give you a big thank you for all the messages I got recently from people that are enjoying the podcast. So happy to hear that it's benefiting your life in one way or another. I want to mention, too, if you're in a spot where you can support the podcast with a donation, be sure to head over to Buy Meacofy.com slash sober motivation. You can subscribe there for the monthly donations or just make a one-time donation. Everything is appreciated and it really helps with creating this podcast, doing everything,

from booking the guest to all of the other things that are required to keep a podcast going. So that would mean the world. I'll drop that link in the show notes as well. I also want to mention if it's your first time listening, welcome to the podcast. Don't forget to check out the previous 170 plus episodes of incredible stories all the way back to number one with my buddy Luke. What an incredible episode. And the podcast has come so far since then, but is still a lot of incredible episodes. on the way. Another thing that's really hit home in this story and so many others is doing this whole

sobriety thing, giving up alcohol, whatever it is, doing it alone. I don't want to say it's impossible because it's not. I know people who have done it. It's not as many as who reach out for help and they're getting sober that way. But it's really doggone difficult. And maybe that's been your experience. So I also want to mention too, we'd love to have you at the sober motivation community. There's a one month free trial, like one month to check it out, try it out, join some of our live meetings on Zoom, get connected in the chat. It just makes some great connections with other people that are on this journey. We've got people from one day all the way up to 20 plus years in the community and everybody's working together to get another day, another day of sobriety and enjoy this

life and this road that we're on. So let's get to this episode. Welcome back to the sober motivation podcast. Today we've got Megan with us. How are you? Hi, I'm good. Thank you so much for having me. Of course. Thank you for reaching out and be willing to share your story with all of us here on the podcast. So what was it like for you growing up? That's a great question. I first wanted to tell you, I just want to thank you so much for the platform that you provide. I saw a quote the other day that was, shame dies when stories are told in safe places. And I just feel like your platform embodies that. And I also think that it's so good to tell our story. It's like frees people from their mental prison and inspires them to tell their story. And it also shows the invisible thread of like our

shared humanity. So I just wanted to give some thanks back to you before we started. So thank you for the work that you do. Thank you. Yeah. So for me growing up, I had a really interesting childhood. I did not have a normal childhood. My dad had a high profile job. So we moved around like all over the country, all over the world. Before age 10, I'd lived in like 10 different places, was fluent in Spanish. The youngest of five children, my parents did not drink. So I was never mirroring behavior, but I definitely had like that need of perfectionism. It was a constant, like, theme in my life. When I was 10 years old, my parents separated.

And have you ever read Glennon Doyle's book Untamed? Have you heard of her? No. So she talks about age 10 and how like it's such a formative age for kids and how they learn healthy coping skills and how specifically girls learn to be good girls at age 10. So we aren't supposed to show people our emotion. We're supposed to be good and well behaved and not have these big feelings. But I was a kid with like an insatiable curiosity for life.

Deep thinker, highly sensitive, which is a blessing and a curse. Age 10, my family breaks up. We have to move back to America, starting a new school. And I started struggling with my eating. So disordered eating, developed an eating disorder, bounced back between anorexia, bulimia. And then again, just that perfectionism. trying to be perfect all the time. When I look back, I think it was in need of control, like trying to have some type of control over my little brain and over my little life.

But perfectionism is interesting. It's a defense mechanism for like a deep-seated inadequacy. And it's also perfectionism is like holding yourself to a standard of someone else's metric system. But now, I can see that now in my age now, but at 10, I didn't know any different. It was just this need to be good and be perfect. We had moved to this really small town. I'm sure you've heard this on the podcast before, but what is there to do in a small town, right? Yeah, you've heard that one before. It's Countrytown. I love the people there.

It took me a little while to fit in, but just your classic story of Stole some Aftershock. Do you remember Aftershock? No. No, what is Aftershock? It was like this cinnamon liquor with like rocks in the bottom, like crystals. Anyway, it was really bad. Don't ever try it. Like just be glad that you never tried it.

So anyway, 13 years old is really young to say. start drinking. I had a diary I kept back at that age and read that entry around why I was drinking so young. And I think it was just a rite of passage. And then again, that curiosity, like, what is this that everyone talks about? And also maybe to escape my own brain, my own, like, need to be perfect. Like, let's just be reckless. It's funny because my friends say I have two speeds, either, like, fast as possible or slow. Like, there's no yellow zone for me. So with drinking, that's how it was. In high school, I was good, a good, kid, a good student. I was an athlete. So it forced me to not really have a lot of incidents with

drinking. But when I did drink, it definitely was a binge drinking, drinking in excess, engaging in risky behavior. But then I'd clean up and do what I was told. So I was a high school athlete. It was a really good runner. I was also in a small town. So I was like a big fish in a little pond. But I definitely like my whole identity was wrapped up in being an athlete, being a good runner. So when I went to college, I got a Division I scholarship to run at a private school in Georgia. And now I was a little fish in a big pond. And my running was bad. I went from winning all of my races to just not performing well.

I think I was partying too much. I think I had lost my love for running. I'll never forget I had this race where my dad flew in to see me run. And it was against UGA and Alabama. And I got dead last, like last place. the cop car was behind me. That's how flow I was running. And I'll never forget my dad's face when I crossed the finish line.

He wasn't disappointed in me, but I could still see it. And I could see the disappointment in myself. And I think I had just completely lost my identity. I just started again in the drinking world because drinking is always there, especially when you're in college, right? Yeah, just again, numbing out all the time. But in high school, when I would drink it was fun. But in college, it was sad.

It was more of a sad experience. just trying to escape my own brain. So I cleaned up a little bit and I decided, you've probably heard this one before, but the geographical cure where you just move away and just forget all the problems that you have. Yeah. One question there before we jump into that,

as you're going through this, though, as the drinking is picking up steam and it's maybe shifting a little bit too from your experience in high school to your experience in college. At this time in your life, were you aware that the drinking was causing a negative impact on things for you in college? That's a really good question. I think deep down, yes, but I would squish that feeling down. I definitely, a lot of people would drink heavy in college and in the community that I was,

but I knew that I took it to a further level than other people. I knew that I almost like had a bigger of a dopamine hit from alcohol than the average person. Like it excited me a lot more. And so I knew I could almost see the writing on the wall. Like the foreshadowing was definitely there. Yeah, and that's so interesting too, right? Because it does seem to hit us different. And I don't think it's for everybody who, when they first start out with drinking, that's going to have that extra rush of excitement or something. But you hear like these common trends and stories like, I would drink and it would help me clean and I would drink and get energized. And then I see like the quote unquote normies around me. And I'm like, I just don't see a lot of those behaviors for them. But I'm with you. I had that ever since I had my first drink at this college party, my first drink. I got drunk the first time. Yeah. You know, the first time I drank. And I had this weird little feeling, too, that, like, it wasn't at the time, but I had this weird thought that was really strange that was like, this is going to be too much and you'll have to quit this Sunday.

I know exactly what you're saying. I feel like I had the same experience. Yeah. And ever since, like, that was ever since the beginning. And I was like, I never paid any attention to it. I'm sure, like you mentioned there, because I had lived in this chaotic world between my ears. and then the first time I drank, I was like, oh my gosh, like so much relief from everything that I'm not capable of being or think that I'm not living up to the standards of other people and all the insecurities that everything just shifted away. It just melted away. And I was like, whoa, now we found something here that really makes sense. Yeah, it became like a superpower, right? You know, it lifts you up until you're down deep into that Venus fly trap and you can't get out.

Yeah, 100%. So you're in college here. And I'm interested, too, even before we jump even forward to that other story there. What was your experience like with being the youngest of five? Yeah, that's a really good question. I think I constantly was looking for attention because there were so many kids. And I have a funny story. Like one time I ran away. Like I was young and I was like, I'm just going to run away so that they have to look for me. And I like went down the road with like a Barbie and like a pair of underwear. And I came back and no one even knew I was gone. It's so funny. I think that being the youngest of five, you have that need to, like, show out and make sure that you remember I'm here. But also just that need to feel grown up. I was always the baby, like the baby of my friend group. I have August birthday.

I graduated at 17. I think the baby in my family. I had a baby voice growing up. Like, I think that definitely played a lot into like me wanting to fast forward my life. Yeah, move things forward. So that probably in one way or another catches up. to at 13 why the drinking is this thing that sparked by curiosity. And too, like I think you mentioned earlier, passage. We hear that a lot too of like this is the next level of things. So back to

where you were before this changing location, right, is going to fix everything idea. Yeah, absolutely. So I decided to get a job in Colorado. I started working for a summer camp, which was so much fun. It was almost like a rehab for me, if you will, because we weren't allowed to drink. I was living with the children in the cabins and doing all. these fun, like outdoor activities and the kids were looking up to me like role model. And it was such a good, like, healthy time. I was 19 years old. I loved it so much. Stayed out west, went to Montana State out in Montana, which is a beautiful state if you've never been. Highly recommend going there was trying to reform my identity. I had been this like happy runner party girl and now

was like trying to become something new. And I shouldn't have been seeking external validation. I know now like I really need to go inward to figure out who I am. But anyway, I was like, listening to classic music all the time, getting into art, like just trying like new hats. I was snowboarding all the time, which was so fun. But anyway, I ultimately had to come back to Georgia for financial reasons, finished out my college degree in Atlanta. But I just, life came out really fast. I got married, had a baby at 24, just young, immature, but trying to live this grown-up life. And I abstained from drinking during pregnancy and while I was breastfeeding. But I definitely had what we know now is called postpartum anxiety PPA. Back then, my daughter's 15 now,

but there was a lot of talk about postpartum depression, not a whole lot of talk on postpartum anxiety. So I didn't know what was happening to me. I knew that I didn't want to hurt my baby or hurt myself, but my head was not right. Just a lot of intrusive thoughts, afraid to leave my house, so worried about what could happen to my baby, worried she was dying all the time, just really scary thoughts. And once I had finished breastfeeding, the wine culture back in 2009 was huge mommy wine culture. So I jumped right into that. And I used like Pinogrigio and the wine to calm those feelings down. Yeah. Interesting too there with the in 2009. Yeah. You would know better than I would. I wasn't really necessarily into the mommy wine. But it's talked about here a lot on the podcast

about and I don't know exactly what the details were for you, but a lot of people share. It was like play dates and it was like it just seemed to blur the lines about when to start or what was acceptable and then I think a big part of it just looking from the outside of it is if that's what all of our friends are doing when do you get to the spot to realize like this might be problematic or it's not really what everybody's doing but if that's all we're seeing I think it can be easy to get wrapped up in whatever that is absolutely yeah and it was like cool so when you're in your 20s and you think it's just cool to be part of this club I think I just got lost in that world.

I definitely had some light bulb moments where gut checks about my relationship with alcohol, there had been a time where I was rocking my baby to sleep, and I had drinking three glasses of wine that night. And I was thinking, oh, my gosh, I've had three glasses every night for months. Like, what does that trajectory look like for me, moving forward? I'm 24 years old. This could be a problem. So I was able to reel it back in.

And I ended up getting back into running in my late 20s, which was great. So this time I ended up joining the ultra running community. Do you know about the ultra running world? We call it the misfit toys. An ultra running person is someone that runs longer than a marathon. It's this like feeling of overcoming. And I think that was good for me. So I got really into that world, which was good because then I couldn't drink as much.

And I think I just needed a sense of community to support me. And they were there with open arms. And it was a really happy time. And my life trained for 50 mile race, 100 mile race, Iron Man, did a lot of cool things. But let's fast forward. So at age 30, I get pregnant with twins, spontaneous twins. I'm a twin. Do you have a sister or brother?

Brother. Okay, that's awesome. Do you guys still get along? Better now than we did growing up. But anyway, so yeah, age 30, have three kids and definitely suffered from postpartum anxiety again. I was a little more prepared for it this time. There's a little more talk about it. That hormone shift, though, after having two babies was pretty strong.

But anyway, my father, who I loved very much, was very close with. He definitely had high standards for me, but I was extremely close to him. He passed away. And this was devastating to me. I was brand new babies at home. And here I am holding my father's hand as he takes his last breath. And I don't know if you've ever experienced that. But there's a before and there's an after when someone you love passes away right in front of you.

That kind of spiraled me from age 30 to 34, progressive. just downfall and again nothing that anyone else could see because I was hiding all of my problems from the world because I didn't want to bother anyone with them. That's that whole perfectionism theme. So 34 years old, they say the last six months of your drinking is pure hell. That's very much true for me. I was a nurse at the time, a labor and delivery nurse and I worked like my shifts in a row. So you'd have a lot of time off and that kind of created this like binge drinking kind of behavior. and I just started doing really scary things I never thought I would do. So drinking in the morning, just getting physically sick from my drinking, you know, throwing

up blood, having some shakes, like really scary symptoms. And just that feeling of that confidence inside of me, just completely going away. I would look in the mirror and I couldn't even look at myself in the eyes. That's how bad I had become. So April 21st, 2019 was Easter. It was Easter Sunday. I'd been on like a three-day vendor. And I just embarrassed myself that whole day in front of my family, in front of my kids.

And this is a holiday for the Lord and for children and for family. And I was throwing up and blacking in and out. And just a disaster, embarrassment to everyone around me. And I woke up that next day. And I'm like if you know me, I'm naturally highly energetic, happy person. And this was the lowest I'd ever felt in my life. I was laying there in bed and I started to have very intrusive suicidal thoughts, which was very scary that never happened to me before.

And I didn't know what to do. So I just laid there. And this little voice came over me and it was like, just stand up. And other voice was like, no, like your life is gone. The world would be better without you is what I was hearing. And that voice that was telling me to stand up one. So I was like, let's just stand up and see what happens. At this age, I was having really bad hangovers.

At the time, I didn't know that that was going to be my last drink. I thought it was just going to be another hangover that I would nurse off. So I stood up from bed. And I don't know if you've ever had like an electrical impulse hit you or I don't know, the hand of God fall on you. But I just fell, I fell down to my knees and I surrendered. I begged God to save me. I surrendered like physically, mentally, spiritually. I think I just gave up.

I was like, I can't do this. more on my own. I need help. I need serious help. I got up from the floor and I told someone. I called my sister and I said, I think I have a drinking problem. Again, like nobody even knew. That's how well I hit it. I called a friend and told her I was burning the ships, if you will, making situations where I couldn't come back on them. And ultimately, I told my daughter, who was nine at the time, I promised her. I sat her down after school and I said, I will never drink again. I promise you.

And to this day, she says that's the best day of her life. She's really sweet, very sweet. So yeah, it is a transcendental experience. There's experiences in your life that change you forever, those sliding door moments, if you will, where one change affects the rest of your life. I never thought that I would have the life I have now. And I'm just so thankful. I had the clarity that day. spirituality, whatever it took, the three together, but I haven't had a drink since.

Wow. Well, thank you so much for sharing that with us. Yeah. I'm curious to backing up for things a little bit because throughout all this, you probably had glimpses of this is where I'm heading and the hangovers get worse. And you're already struggling with anxiety in some of your story. As we all know, like some people will refer to it as the anxiety, right, where it just gets so bad. It could, towards the end, I could feel it in my chest. It felt like there was, an elephant sitting on my chest. A lot of people, too, that I've heard on the podcast, and I mean, you're in this field of this profession.

A lot of people, too, talk about panic attacks, going to the emergency room, and maybe experiencing that heart attacks. And that's how bad that it gets. What I'm so curious about is somebody who's in your spot, right? Nobody outside, because there's so many people that fall into this area, what some people might consider gray or my friend Andy, coins it up, a middle lane, this part on the spectrum of its one end and one end is just starting

and the other end is things are a lot worse and it's out there. And I think it's really hard for people to get sober and quit drinking because they've still got the job. Nobody's harping on them like people do in the movies that we watch and they haven't gotten any legal trouble yet. You kind of check these, you're going to go through this list, I think, mentally. And I was guilty of this too, right? When things weren't that bad, well, things aren't that bad. I'm still working at Little Caesars. I still got my job and I'm driving my girlfriend's grandmother's car. Like, when I look at it now, I'm like, that's not good. But I was like, things are okay. I've only got one felony conviction. So like, that's not too bad. I can, like, I can make this work somehow. But I think

people that aren't even at that point are able to do it. And I'm really interested what kind of helped Do you maybe break through some of those reasons why it wasn't that bad, if that makes any sense? Yeah, no, absolutely. So it's so interesting that you say that because that was me. I was having panic attacks, like full-blown panic attacks. And physiologically, I know now what was happening. So alcohol suppresses your sympathetic nervous system, which is like your fight or flight, ready for battle. So when it starts to leave your system, the sympathetic nervous system starts to increase, right?

So you're calm down when you're drinking. But then as it wean, your sympathetic nerve systems in overdrive, right? So your adrenaline is spiking, which makes you feel like freaking out. Like your heart rates elevated, your eyes are dilated, you're ready for battle. And that's why you can have those physical, you know, anxiety symptoms. So I would have horrible panic attacks. My hands would go numb. My face would go numb. Felt like my throat was closing. So I went to my primary care doctor. I was not a nurse practitioner at the time. I was just an RN. And she maybe didn't have the right screening tools. I don't want to put me blame on her.

But I definitely was looking for help and I did not get the help that I needed. I didn't flat out tell her my whole relationship with alcohol, but I definitely was trying to convey to her that I needed help. And it just went right over her head. And I think that's why I'm really passionate about what I do now and screening those type of patients with those risky behaviors. But yeah, to answer your question, yeah, I think there was definitely moments where I thought, okay, I'm headed down the wrong path.

But then you get in that guilt, shame, hamster wheel. of okay, I did something bad. I did something that's inauthentic to who I am. I feel awful about that. So now I'm going to drink to cover up those bad feelings. And then you just get stuck in that cycle. And what I had that day was what you call a spontaneous sobriety moment. And I'm very thankful I had that.

But some people can plan it out and pull them their own self out. I think mine was a metaphysical experience. Yeah. Yeah. I'm with you too on the spontaneous sobriety. I only heard of that term more. recently but when I look back at how I ended up getting sober from drinking at least that's what it was I just woke up one morning I had some strange unexplainable spiritual experience that I woke up and I was

just like the thoughts that were coming in were like dude you're you got to get yourself out of this like you're you have to make a change here and I had been trying like I had been trying I went to the meetings I went to the therapy I went to the doctor's appointments I went to the rehab. I did all that stuff. And it all planted little seeds. I don't want to say it didn't work. I think sometimes we get lost in what works and what doesn't work. And I believe everything we do plants a little bit of a seed and then there's water over time. So just going for one thing, if you aren't able to find sobriety right afterwards doesn't necessarily mean things didn't completely work. And I just woke up that day. And it was a long conversation with myself.

It was the long, strange conversation with myself looking in the mirror and saying, ultimately at the end of the day, this is where you are. And nobody's coming to pull you out of here and do all the work for you. You're going to have to get your feet moving because I tried to think my way to sobriety. I tried to talk my way to sobriety. Yeah, I had this early mentor I talk about a lot, Andy. Yeah, Andy, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to. And Andy was like, you don't do anything. You just talk about what you're going to do and that's not going to get.

you to where you want to be and ultimately where you need to be. I love that thing too about working through those barriers, but it's like that spot, it's really easy, I think, for people for a while to say things are right. And that's why I always mentioned to people. And I'm not one to tell people what to do or how to do or to do anything. People, I'm a firm believer, people have to get to a spot to where they're ready to do the work. But I think it's about looking on the inside. Don't worry about the car that's in the driveway. Don't worry about the smile that you put on that is so difficult to do. Worry about how do you feel on the inside and maybe look forward a little bit. Is this the way you want the next five, 10, 20 years to look? And what I find really interesting

about your story and so many others is things were fairly okay for you. And then you have your dad pass away. And that's when it sounds like anyway. And I'm sure there's a ton more to the story. But that's when things may be tipped in a sense. And I think the longer we hang out in our relationship with alcohol, that tipping point can come for anybody at any time. So to where it's like, okay, this is slightly problematic can switch over at any point in time for some people. It's so interesting what you're talking about. It's like the boiling point. Like my boiling point was whatever it was and yours was different. Like how we come to that boiling point with our relationship with alcohol is so interesting and has so many layers to it. And going back to what

happened with my dad, and I think I did not have healthy coping skills. My only coping skill was escapism, right? So I wasn't ever going to get better. I think I've learned now healthy coping skills and healthier forms of escapism. But at that time when everything is dark and someone who is always happy like me, who doesn't like to feel sad at all, the thing about feelings, they have a beginning, a middle, an end. And if you don't feel them all the way through, you're going to get stuck. It's like a tunnel, right? So I was constantly just stuck in these tunnels of my feelings because I would never feel them all the way through. And that's something I've had to learn over time. Yeah, things we pick up. So going back to that Easter and you have this experience, right? And then you start burning the boats

or burning the ships or burning your exit plan or a potential for an exit. Let's let people know let's put it out there. I think that's incredible and really, I think really difficult to do, though, too, when people don't know. But if people know and you call them up and they'd be like, oh, yeah, come on, Brad, like we already had an idea. I'm glad that you've picked up on it now, but you make these phone calls. How challenging was that? And what was the feedback that you received? That is a really great question. I had to accept defeat. And as someone who struggles with perfectionism, that's a very hard thing to do. I had to not only admit to myself that I could, not continue this relationship anymore, but I had to admit it to the people I love the most.

But I'm insanely proud of that moment. And 20 years ago, someone like me who's a provider could have never talked about this openly and publicly. And because of people like you, I'm able to now have this platform. But I look back on that time in my life and granted, I was a mess, but I am so proud of that girl for getting up off the floor and telling someone because my life would have turned out way different. Did you ever read that like choose your own adventure books when you were little?

Do you know what I'm talking about? I didn't do much reading. I didn't do much reading. So it's like you get to the end of a chapter and you had to make two choices. And depending on which choice you made is how your life would like the book would end, how the book would end. And I think about my life like that. And that was a very, you know, interesting chapter. I had two choices.

Keep drinking. Keep going the way you're going or stop and become who you really are. Become the person that you can be. I knew that I was not the mother. are my kids deserved. And I know that I am now. And that's really special. Yeah, that's massive.

And that's another thing I think that always played out for me in the background. See, I was raised great folks. My mom's a nurse ever since, I don't know, I can remember. And that was why we moved down to the U.S. when I was six. She started working at a hospital in Waco. And then now she works in North Carolina. But, you know, it was, I was always raised with those values. and to do the right thing and to, you know, to, you can be anything you want to be.

And then I've looked at my life of where I ended up, this middle class neighborhood, the cops pull up and I get arrested in my parents' entryway for the countless amount of times. And it was all that stuff about living. I was going against the grain of what I truly knew was right. And I think after years of doing that, I just really got worn out from that. And like we hear it so often, right, the booze, the alcohol, the drugs, whatever it is. It works for a bit, and then it stops working.

It gives you wings and then takes them away. So, like, it was great. I was able to escape the life I was living, the feelings. And then after time, it wasn't working anymore. And it required more and it required more time. And then it just didn't work. And I was like, it was really scary for me personally because I was like, man, I've leaned on this thing to help me out through.

for me it was good times bad times whatever i wasn't like just a drinker when things weren't going well or it was any time but then it's not working and i was like whoa now what am i going to do all this stuff piled up but just what you mentioned there too about being a mom and i can only imagine that it's really heavy right because you have that vision of how you want things to be and it's like i got to get there i think i had a lot of shame around not being there for my kids when they were little and I never did anything harmful or drove with them or anything like that. It probably could have progressed there if I kept on that track. But ultimately, I don't think that we are here to save our children.

I think we're here to show our children that we can save ourselves. And I think I've had to rewire that in my brain in order to not get stuck in that shame spiral that maybe I wasn't present when they were really young, but I showed them that these stepbacks that you can come back from a very dark place. and you can rebuild yourself and you can be stronger than you were before. And I think that is a really good lesson to teach your kids. And also that it's okay to fail. It's okay to fail as long as you take the next best step and do the next right thing.

And don't wallow in your pity or your victimhood. Yeah. Don't stay there. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. I love that. So moving forward here, so after this Easter, what are some of the next steps you take, right?

Because now you're committing to this new journey. You've told some people. And it seems like all of a sudden this becomes real, right? This is my life moving forward and it's going to be a little bit different for you. So what are some of the other things that you do in those first couple weeks? It's so funny because I look back on those times, you know, it was like a lot going on. It was like I had been bit by the spider from Spider-Man because I had like all these like crazy senses going on. They had been numbed for so long.

But you know, like I told you, I have two speeds, right? So I threw myself into recovery. Like I was trying to like win the test. win the competition of sobriety. So I did everything. I started going to therapy twice a week. I joined A.A. I got a sponsor. I joined Smart Recovery. I joined Recovery Elevator, which is an online program. They do a great job. I read Annie Grace's book, Lauren McCowan's book, A Quit Like a Woman. I read every quitlet book that was on the shelf. I mean, I really put the work in. I was not physically addicted to alcohol, so I didn't have to detox in that way. But mentally, it definitely took me a while

to get some good time away from it and not crave it. And it wasn't necessarily the alcohol I was craving. It was that escapism. Like I just want to feel different than I feel right now. So, you know, I think the milestones really helped me, like get to one month, get to six months, get to nine months. Those little milestones were someone who's like very goal-oriented like I am. That was really helpful. I think reaching out and having a community was instrumental. Trying to do it alone would have been impossible. We think we're an independent person, but we're really an interdependent society. And it was so helpful for me to have people I could rely on. I didn't come out sober until I was about six months. That was really scary to come out sober on my social media and like tell people.

That was like insanely terrifying, but I did it anyway. And I think I ultimately did it, one, to keep me in check, but also for the greater good of humanity. When I was struggling with my drinking and I would see other people's stories of, you know, overcoming it or even just the fact that they had an issue with drinking made me not feel so alone like I was on this island. It's funny. I remember when I would be in my like big throes of drinking, I would be walking around on the street and looking at people and being like, why do they look okay? And I'm not okay. What is wrong with me? I am not normal. And so to be able to find those parallels and in those stories, other people's stories and mine, that's what got me here today. So I am always proud of the fact that I was.

I'm able to share my story publicly and to talk about it. But yeah, that first year, I started grad school. So I've always wanted to be a nurse practitioner. So I started school. I was very engaged in my kids' lives. And I had like childlike joy again. I felt just happy and free. And I also felt like I could become the person who I wanted to be and go back to that

root of authenticity. Because for so long, I was trying on all these different hats. I'm a runner. I'm a sorority girl. I'm a partier. whatever. I'm a girl that snowboards. Ultimately, I had to stop all of those things, stop numbing myself with substances,

and figure out who I was at my core, not seeking external validation or other people telling me who I was. Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing that. That's a great list. And that does line up exactly with how you describe all or nothing type deal to plug into everything. One thing I think back and I reflect on that first year of sobriety is a lot of that stuff you mentioned too, right? Joy, joy creeping back into my life

and generally being joyful for small, like this stuff that I just didn't know, a walk on a trail and being like, this is the most incredible thing I've ever done. And I didn't connect with that stuff before. But I also just remember just how emotional it was for me at times, too, experiencing those, I called them little things. They were really big things, but I guess in the grand scheme of life, they were small waking up early and hearing a bird singing in the forest or on the back deck or whatever it was, like stuff that I had just tuned out completely. Did you find the first year emotional times, like the joyful emotional stuff? Absolutely. Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. I think in that first year,

physiologically, you're resetting that dopamine, right? So before you'd have to give you. your hits from alcohol, but now you get even a bigger hit of dopamine from reading a book or having a cup of coffee, you're listening to the birds. It's so interesting what happens in your brain and that neuroplasticity that we have, which is so amazing that we're able to rewire our brain and that dopamine system. But yeah, that first year, there was a lot of growth. I definitely had to overcome the shame of what I had let my life become and that confidence. I had to build that back, but I definitely did. And I look back on that first year, like I was like going to be born baby. It's becoming who I am today.

But those were happy times and finding those connections with people. It's so funny because I feel like before you put on these masks of like when you meet someone, well, I've done this and I'm a nurse and I run marathons and like these are like our calling cards. But now I realize I connect with people with their imperfection. So like tell me your most shameful, scariest, darkest secret. And I will love you for that. I connect through the suffering, not the fake masks that we wear. Yeah.

And that's why I'm with you on that. I think maybe that's me too with doing the podcast, right? I connect with people. And personally just doing this brings me so much joy, especially to hear how people were living and the choices they made and then how they're feeling now is just, it's incredible experiences. And then like you with your story, being able to share it to help others. and at six months putting it out there.

And I love that too. And everybody's going to find their own balance with that. When do I share this? Do I ever share this? I think there's so much power in that. For one, it opens up the door for other people. That's what I always hear when people share. Yeah, I shared it on my Facebook.

And so-and-so that I knew so long ago sent me a message and I didn't even know they were struggling. And I'm like, oh, that's interesting. Sounds a lot like your story. Yeah, exactly. And then also I feel like, too, it also just gives the go ahead because a lot of times people are thinking, I'm going to go to this party or I'm going to go for Christmas or for vacation. And if nobody knows that you're not drinking, it's really hard to

expect them not to offer you a drink. If that's what they're used to seeing. And if you put it out there, then it's like, oh, now I know Brad's not drinking. So when we do the events, whatever, like they might not change their ways, which is okay. People are going to probably still do their same stuff, but they're going to hopefully respect the journey that we are on and they'll know about it. you plug into all this stuff. What do you get out of it? You're reading all the books. You're joining the communities. What are like a couple things that you're getting out of it for somebody who might be starting out and saying, I've tried everything and I just don't know what to do anymore. Yeah, no, that's a great question. I mean, I think trying on all of the things in recovery is important

because I found some things worked and some things did not work, which it's so amazing that we have these things now in 2024 because 15 years ago, we really didn't have anything but AA. And AA is great. But I did struggle with AA with the first step that I am powerless because I've talked about this before. But I feel that when I'm around alcohol, I am not powerless at all. Alcohol took so much of my power. I am not giving it any power back.

So I've had to reframe that instead of I am powerless. I have choices. I have choices. But from AA, I think it was great in the sense that it's free. It's very readily available. And the sense of community is great. it is a little bit more man dominant. So for females, sometimes they can feel a little bit lost.

There's good there, but there was definitely things that I didn't track with. Finding the online community recovery elevator was amazing for me. There's a lot of meetups that they do and they have a retreat in Montana that I've been to three times. That's amazing. But yeah, I think ultimately it's just finding something that fits your lifestyle and fits your connection with people. I think that's the biggest thing is you've got to connect with people that have been through it.

because if not, you're going to just feel alone and fall back into those old ways and those relapses happen because you're not staying connected or you're not dealing with your stress in the right way. Yeah, love that. Yeah. We have a really good time too, like with the, because I host the community too. And it's just incredible, I think, and people share it all the time, right? It's a little bit of accountability, even though it's virtual people, but it's fairly easy

entry as it's not maybe as overwhelming or as scary as going to your local community and seeing people that you either work with or this or that. And it's so helpful and you're right about that's my biggest thing for people. And it's not only to get to be a part of a community, but I always say you get what you put in. So if you just hang out and you never get involved and you never share and you never put yourself out there, that's okay. That's a great place to start. But I'm always like, you know what I mean? That's what we always, we've always done.

I always did anyway. When I went to my first AA meetings, I came a little bit late. to avoid the guy smoking his cigarettes because I didn't want to talk to them. I showed up a little bit late, grabbed the last chair, and I always snuck out before the Lord's prayer. And here I went home on my way home, I stopped by the to grab some alcohol. And I was like, why is this not working? And then it was like, it was explained to me from my friend Andy again that it's not, you're not doing anything. You can't just show up in a room and expect for your life to change. If it was that easy, we wouldn't be here, Brad, if it was that. We,

Andy and I never would have met. We would have figured this out a long time before it got to where it did. I'm really curious, too, going back in your story, you went to visit, I think your doctor there. Yeah. At some point. And it wasn't really discovered or you didn't get the support there. How do you go about things for if somebody comes in and they're struggling too with like, and how can people maybe approach that? Because the story you shared there was not one that I haven't heard any times over. Absolutely.

And I think I come from some experience and maybe a little more compassion, given that I do have my recovery. But yeah, ultimately, if a patient comes in and they're showing red flags or they're voicing to me, they're concerned with their relationship with alcohol. First, I want to make sure that with the CWA score, it's like a screening tool that I don't need to physically detox them, either through the ER physical detox place or if I can detox them myself. So once we get past that, and I know they're okay, they check back in. ultimately we start with like what are your core values right let's lay the foundation again so just an example of like what mine are which i've worked on over these last five years is authenticity so like

being true to who i am curiosity so being curious about the world and growing from my mistakes courage like being brave even when you don't want to gratitude is huge like how much more magical would your life be if you were in a constant state of appreciation of everything that you have And then I'm big on altruism. So that altruistic, the greater good for humanity, that's really important to me in that interdependent society that I leave a legacy that helped future generations. I think about that all the time. So those are my core values. Other ones would be like balance, peace, empathy, integrity, love. So I really want them to work on and sit with themselves, physically sit with yourself and think about what matters to you because that is something you can always come back to. I will act in alignment with my core values because they are my foundation. So once we do that, then I work on like stress reduction. So there's 10 things that I tell them to do in the moment when you're in a stressful situation or just like habits to adapt. So physical exercise is huge, like releases happy chemicals in our brain. It's also an energy release. Sunlight is huge at least 20 minutes a day. It raises your vitamin D levels, which kind of sets

our hormones and help us feel better. Crying is huge. So a lot of people don't want to cry. I did not want to cry, but it's very cathartic and it's an energy release as well. And sometimes we just have to like physically get the emotions out. Laughter is another one. So not like self-deprecating humor, but like that guttural laugh that you have when you're with your friends. Physical touch. So affection, a hug from someone you love. Creative expression. I love this one. This is something I've been tapping into recently because I'm not a very creative person, but they say unused creativity can manifest in anxiety and depression. So finding ways to be creative in your life.

And then I also really like journaling. Lauren McCowan talks about this, but it's like if you have a big knot of yarn, journaling is like untangling that knot slowly. And there's really easy ways to journal. Some people get overwhelmed when I tell them to journal, especially men. They're like, what do you mean, write a diary?

I'm like, hold up. So it can be very simple. It can be what went good today, what went bad, what can I work on tomorrow? or if you want to get a little bit deeper, what did I do for my health today? How did I stay connected today? And what did I do to serve my purpose today? So two different ways to come back. That and then lastly is quality sleep. Really prioritizing good sleep can do so much for your mood and for relieving stress, thinking about sleep like you would exercise. So prioritizing that, limiting screen time,

going to bed at the same time, waking up at the same time, getting that circadian rhythm in a really good place, all of those. So that's usually what I tell with my patients. We work on our core values. We work on stress reduction. And then I get them into some type of community to hold them accountable. Yeah. Wow, that's a well-rounded plan. I love the journaling to keep it, to keep those last three questions there. The one I really love to is what's your purpose? I feel like sometimes when we're struggling with this, we might have lost sight of that or we might not be working on that. And that was really one thing that I had to tap into. It's like, what do I actually want to do with my life now? How do I want to go out there and live my life and look at

those values of things? Things that were instilled in me younger, I had to do a U-turn in a sense and go back to those and then incorporate new ones as I got older and stuff. What have been the challenge or two that you've had to work through on this journey of sobriety? That's a great question. I think ultimately learning healthier coping skills, right? So sometimes I still want to escape. And I can get into unhealthy behaviors, but better than the alternative. So sometimes I won't eat like I should or I'll overexercise. So just getting curious about why I am that way, but also not shaming myself for these behaviors. I'm doing the best that I can with what I have.

But yeah, challenges through career, through relationships. I've definitely navigated a lot in these five years, but it's been such a blessing to do that sober. I think I was so afraid to feel things. But now I'm just so thankful. I have the ability to feel everything. That to me, like missing out on that would be, like, at the end of my life, I would regret that so much that I just numbed this human experience. Like, that is the human experience is to feel joy and sorrow and humility and anger and all of it.

Like, joy and sorrow will always coexist. And the duality and the impermanence of life is what makes it so beautiful. Yeah, that's incredible. And that's the thing, too, is like, at the beginning, it's the best. big thing is just the alcohol, right? Like, I've got to quit the alcohol. And of course, that's the first step to get to all this other stuff. But it's so interesting, too, over the years, just watching my growth. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I'm not where I was. And that brings me just so much joy that I'm not just stuck in that same circle that I'm able to say, hard things happen,

and I feel all these different ways, but I'm able to sit with it, work through it, and find other things like maybe video games for 20 minutes sometimes just to take the edge off of things and then go to work on things but it's it is it's such a beautiful thing that when i first got sober i didn't know about all this other stuff they talk about you're going to live this great life and you're going to have opportunities potentially and all this other stuff but i did not know that that this other stuff was going to be part of all of it like i just was so focused on just getting another day and then all this other stuff starts happening i'm thinking to towards wrapping up here, I'm wondering if you have a message for somebody out there who's

just struggling to get or stay sober. That's a really good question. For me, it was just stand up, just stand up and tell someone, ask for help. I also think in your life, you can overcome anything if you just stay true to who you are, not again, looking for external validation, but sitting with yourself, that meditation, that mindfulness practice, quieting the mind, all of that can really help you figure out who you are and your own uniqueness. I also think in terms of wellness, like wellness is more like not an end goal. Like there shouldn't be like you were talking about you're constantly in the state of evolution.

That's what we call spiral dynamics. Like constantly going to higher levels of consciousness. And I think wellness shouldn't be like an end goal, like the gold at the end of the rainbow. Like the gold is the rainbow, if that makes sense. So like enjoy the process. of it because if you're constantly looking for the end result, you're always there and not here. And I think living in the present moment has been really helpful for me. And that would be something I would definitely tell someone is like focus on the present moment and focus on who you are at your core. Yeah. And that's so true because a lot of people get into it, right? I want to hit that 30 days. I want to hit that 60 days, that 90 days. The only way that happens is if we get to

one, two, and three and four and five first. So it's slow. And it's slow. And it's, down and just coming back to ourselves doing the best we can with where we're at too. Yeah. I love that. That's the thing that's so beautiful about so many areas of life outside of even just giving up drinking is the process is the most beautiful part. I'm really bad for achieving goals and then still not being satisfied in achieving the goal, but just loving sometimes the painful transition in between.

That's what I love. Like I get to a spot and I'm like, I thought that was going to be a lot greater than it was. And I'm like, the fun was getting here. I know exactly what you're talking about. I am such a goal-oriented person. I've had to really reframe that. Like I had a 30 before 30. So 30 things I wanted to do before I turned 30.

I had a 40 before 40. I just turned 40. I just completed that list. And I think ultimately I've had to change that word goal to idea and learn to like love the process of me attaining that rather than that end point. I think that's so important to live in the moment rather than the end because then you're just fast forwarding to the end of your life. So really just enjoying that whole process of learning. Yeah.

Anything else that we've missed that you want to mention before we sign off? I just want to thank you so much. The legacy that you are leaving behind, like I hope you know how important that is and how you are changing generations to come. Like being someone that is an advocate for sobriety but also hold space for people to share their stories. You're healing so many people. You're healing my family. You're healing everyone's family. I want you to know the work that you do is so important.

And people like me are very thankful for what you do. Yeah, I'm going to start crying over here. I mean it. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. So what a legacy to leave behind. I'm very honored to know you and to meet you. Yeah, well, thank you so much. The craziest part too is like, in my mind,

I have been doing the podcast for a bit and other stuff for a bit and working with people for a bit. But in my mind, I'm like, we're just getting started. Yeah, yeah, you got the sky to go to, honey. You will make it. You're going to do big things. Well, thank you so much and really appreciate the story and reaching out in the opportunity to hear it. And so proud of you for where you've come as well as I'm doing my best out here to help other people. You are as well.

Thank you so much. Thank you for having me on. Well, there it is everyone, another incredible episode here on the podcast. I'll drop Megan's contact information down on the show notes below. So if you want to reach out and say thank you or there's any part, a first story that you can relate to, send her over a message. And I'll see you on the next one.