Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Alcohol played such a substantial role in Jordans life she never saw a way out.

Episode Date: March 22, 2024

In this episode, we have Jordan, a listener of the show with a compelling story of struggle, sobriety, and self-discovery. Growing up in a social, drinking-centered environment, Jordan felt like an outsider, which led to experimenting with alcohol and drugs at a young age. Despite attempts to fit in and find a community, Jordan's journey through high school, college, and various jobs in bars only deepened the addiction.  After feeling sick and tired of how she was living always wondering if there was more to life than the cycle of drinking she quit in May of 2020 and this is Jordan’s story on the Sober Motivation podcast. 👉 Links 👇 Jordan on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/like_the.river/ More information on Sober Link: www.soberlink.com/recover Follow me(Sobermotivation): https://www.instagram.com/sobermotivation/   00:00 Welcome to Season Three: Unveiling Sobriety Stories 00:38 Jordan's Journey: From Awkward Childhood to Substance Use 01:38 High School to College: Finding Identity in Substances 02:53 The Spiral Continues: College, Marriage, and the Service Industry 14:23 A Glimpse of Reality: Facing Anxiety and Substance Abuse 20:36 The Phoenix Phase: A New City, Same Patterns 23:14 Reflections on Mental Health and Self-Medication 24:18 The Turning Point: Deciding to Leave the Drinking Lifestyle 26:42 The Struggle with Sobriety and Moving Back Home 30:05 A New Beginning: The Journey Towards Sobriety 39:31 Finding Purpose and Helping Others in Recovery 46:16 Reflections and Advice for Those Struggling with Addiction  

Welcome back to season three of the Suburmotivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode, we have Jordan, a listener of the podcast, and with a compelling story of struggle, sobriety, and self-discovery. Growing up in a social drinking center environment, Jordan felt like an outsider, which led to experimenting with alcohol and drugs at a young age.

Despite attempts to fit in and find community, Jordan's journey through high school, college, and various jobs in bars only deep in the addiction. After feeling sick and tired of how she was living, always wondering if there was more to life than the cycle of drinking. In May of 2020, Jordan quit. And this is Jordan's story on the Suburmotivation podcast. How's it going, everyone?

We're three months into a new year, and I'd like to take a pulse on how everyone's doing and feeling. If you made the commitment to get sober in 2024 but are struggling to stay accountable, check out Soberlink. Soberlink is an accountability tool that will keep you honest. It uses a really high-tech breathalizer system to help when those cravings get a little too loud. Here's why I love it. You'll test at the same time every day, eliminating testing anxiety.

Devices have built-in facial recognition so it knows it's you testing. Pamper sensors flag any attempts at trying to beat the system. For instance, family receive instant test results helping to rebuild trust and prevent relapse. If you're serious about getting sober, this is a tool to use and the only monitoring system I recommend. Make these next months count. Visit soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got Jordan with us, a listener of the show.

How are you? I'm doing good. Thank you. How are you? I'm well. And thank you so much for reaching out and being willing to share your story with everybody. Yeah, of course. I'm excited to share my story.

I know it can be a really powerful thing for a lot of people to hear the story. So I'm grateful to have the opportunity. Yeah, of course. So get us started with. What was it like for you growing up? Growing up, I had a very attentive family. We were all pretty close. I grew up in Pennsylvania.

Mom and dad were around all the time. I have an older brother. My family on my mom's side are Italian. So every event was very big. A lot of people, a lot of drinking, a lot of smoking cigarettes. It was just kind of like the way that we did everything, every birthday, every holiday. So growing up for me was like so much involved with like big social gatherings and everybody drinking. It was just like the norm. Me personally growing up, I was an outsider. I was like very awkward, kind of afraid of a lot of things. So I never really felt like. I fit in anywhere. I ended up going to a private school in elementary school for a couple years because I was just having a really hard time in public school. So as I got older, I think that kind of just developed into some anxiety, some social anxiety, and then trying to find my place in high school was always such a tough thing. So once I got into in eighth grade, the first time I had a drink, a friend of mine and I found Abano TripleSec in my parents' cabinet and decided to

take a shot and I just remember feeling energized and like crazy like we did something bad and like we were excited and like running laps around the house or something. And I think about how young I was and it's just crazy. You know, we used to steal cigarettes from my family all the time when I was really young too and that was like the thing just waiting to be an adult. And then once I got into high school, I kind of found a niche in with the kids that were smoking weed all the time. So that was like the big thing for me. Finally, I found like some people to fit. in with and like people that wanted to like do stuff with me. So we did a lot of that. There was a lot of drinking in my high school. Definitely. It was like a really small town. So house parties was like a big

thing. Outside parties, farm parties, stuff like that. A lot of drinking. I remember watching people in high school drinking and like getting really sick or like crying and it was like very off putting to me. So I kind of stuck around with the kids that smoked a lot of weed. I would drink a little bit, but I never really got like super drunk when I was in high school. And then I took a year off and then I went to college, like up north, maybe three hours away from home. And I fell kind of into the same crowd, just hanging out with all the stoner kids, smoking a lot of weed, drinking sparingly. Not really wanting to get into that, really like a loss of control groups of people when like watching people get wasted and just not really wanting to do that. And then I ended up moving in with.

a roommate who turned out to be a drug dealer and kind of stopped going to class doing some other drugs when I was in college, some opiates and ecstasy and stuff like that kind of sparingly. And then I ended up dropping out of school. I almost got kicked out twice for drinking related things, even though I didn't drink that much, I just happened to get caught. So I was just one of those people that, like, I think we tried to drink vodka in one of the apartments that I lived in. And the RA came and knocked on the door. And she told my roommate, if we didn't let her in, she was going to search the whole place. And my roommate had like pounds

of weed in her room. So she let her in and we all got in trouble. And then, yeah, so that was that. And then I came back in turn 21 and realized that drinking at the bar was awesome for me at that time. I also realized that when I drank a lot, I didn't get sick or I didn't cry. I just blacked out. I remember the first time I blacked out. I was at a bar drinking. And I remember taking a shot. And I remember waking up the next morning and asking my friends like, what happened?

Because I couldn't remember how I got home. And I had these big scrapes on my shins. And apparently I like fell up the stairs and then fell asleep in a dog bed. And I remember just feeling, okay, that wasn't so bad. Like I don't remember being out of control. And I think from there it just kind of continued to get worse with the blackout. They were like really frequent moving forward from there. And I found my place in the bar community.

I just loved going to the bar and drinking and like getting into like craft beer and like drinking whiskey and stuff like this and kind of found like a pretty good identity in there. Also working in the service industry, that was a big part of it too. And then halfway through my 21st year, I moved from Pennsylvania out to Flagstaff, Arizona to go to college again. and I think that's kind of where a lot of that took off too. I just started working in a bar, like a brewery as soon as I got there and just started drinking almost every day. That was like the thing. You work at the bar, they give you a free drink after work, and everybody hung out with the same thing.

So it was like the whole community. You could always point to somebody that looked worse off than you. Oh, at least I'm not as drunk as that person. And I got into college again. And I did okay through college, but like definitely doing a little. lot of hallucinogens, going to music festivals, like kind of getting into that lifestyle. So it was just like, yeah, it was really tough. Yeah, going back there for a second, though, you mentioned too growing up.

There was a lot of alcohol around and then it's somewhere in there in grade eight. You get into it. You get into your parents' alcohol and then you get kind of amped up. And then you get into this other scene, right? You're not feeling like you're fitting in. A lot of us that struggle with addiction too. A lot of people mention that. You don't feel like you're fitting in.

When was the first time you realized that? Like, you were just like, oh, I just, I feel weird or I feel different than other people. Probably in elementary school, honestly. I had, like, really bad anxiety as a kid. I was, like, afraid of a lot of things. I would just leave the classroom and not come back. I remember my mom taking me to, like, therapist. And she was, like, very much into me being like, oh, but she's an old soul.

She's, I don't even know, weird shit when we were kids. Like, she's an indigo child or something. So it wasn't really. addressed on like a mental health level. They tried to diagnose me with ADD when I was in fourth grade and they wanted to put me on medication and my mom said no and just appreciated that I was a free spirit. All the while my mom was a pretty good drinker. They both smoked weed kind of like very often through like middle school and high school. So it was like that was just the way things were. Yeah. So that was tough. And then as I got older, I think it was just a lot of that

people pleasing, trying to fit in with whoever I could and try to be more like my peers rather than keep being the weirdo that I kind of was. Yeah. Hey, I'm with you. I'm with you. I always stood out in that way too. I had the ADHD and everything growing up too. And it made things really challenging to be able to focus and be able to get along and do well.

Everybody got praise for doing well. And I was just so embarrassed, right? Yeah. Everybody doing well. And I felt like people would just look at. me, why can't you just get this? Why can't you just figure it out? Why can't you just follow the rules? And I was like, I wish I, I really wish I could. I really wish I knew. I wanted nothing more than that. But the impulse was just, just took over. Right. And then you get told you're too much.

I just remember always being told like too much, too sensitive, too much energy. So I feel like a lot of my middle school and high school years was just trying to like back off of that. It was like, how do I be less? How do I be more like what people are actually? asking for. And I think alcohol absolutely did that. Smoking reed definitely did that too. I mean, like all substances, it would, because then you were just high. You weren't too much. You were just fucked up. So it seems so much easier to do it that way. Yeah. So true. So you have this first round of college and then you don't end up graduating there, right? Yeah. What do your folks say anything or is there any realization in your life at this point that what's going on? I definitely didn't think it had anything to do with substance use at that point. I think I was really homesick there. I mean, the substance definitely had to do with a lot of it because I was living with somebody.

I mean, I remember waking up in my old dorm from a nap and looking down and seeing her and somebody else like cutting up like giant rafts of cocaine under my bed. I was like, I am 19. This is too much. I think I just was really unhappy. But I definitely didn't realize. My parents were disappointed for sure. But I just kind of threw myself into the next plan, which was.

to move to Arizona because I had a friend out there and I had gone to visit her a couple times and it was a really good school. So as long as I had a plan and I was saving money, they seemed to be okay. But for that year when I was there, I was definitely working at a restaurant. I was getting drunk all the time. I was driving home drunk all the time, which when I think about that now, it just, oh my gosh, like taking that risk so many times, it's terrifying. But yeah. Yeah. Well, you mentioned there too. You got wrapped up in the service, right, working at restaurants and stuff. Yeah, I got, I mean, I got stuck in that too for a bit.

Yeah, and it's exactly the way you described it. It's actually weird. This one restaurant I worked at, they had a two drink limit, and employees couldn't drink there. But they had another one next door. They had another place next door. That's where we would all go after the shift. And all the restaurant workers, the town I lived in, we all knew, like, every place had the state where the places were open laid or specials.

Everybody just kind of hung out. It was like this subculture of the restaurant. restaurant workers and they get wrapped up in that. And at the time when I looked back, I really thought I was living. Oh, yeah. I thought it was just like, this was the coolest thing. You walk into a place everybody knows you. It would be a good time. All these people. You have all these quote unquote friends and everything. And I'm just envisioning it right here. It was a very complacent time, I think, in my life. Yeah. I mean, being in the service industry definitely describes me from like 21 to 34. That was such a huge part in all of my addiction because you don't see it.

It's almost like a black hole. Everybody that you're with is doing substances, not just drinking. I mean, a ton of people were doing cocaine, all kinds of stuff. It's just kind of that, you're right, subculture. And it's so community-based until you leave that job and you realize that none of those people were like actually like you're good friends. It's just like a matter of location. But it felt like at the time you're in this like very strong kind of like, I

got your back community of people that are like you. Yeah. Yeah. And I found too, I was younger and there was a lot of people that were older, you could foreshadow your future in a sense, right? They've been doing it for a while. Oh, yeah, I mean, at the beginning, it was, yeah, it wasn't too terrible. I mean, it was looking back.

But when I was going through it, it was a place to belong. Yeah. A place to belong and people who felt like they cared. And I mean, people kind of did. I mean, it wasn't like we had much more in. common than working those jobs and then partying after. We didn't really talk about much else or do anything else. And you get on that schedule too, right? Because you start work at four, you get done at 12 or 1 o'clock or whatever it is, right? So you're wrapped up in that. You're up

at night and you don't really have to be up in the morning. I did anyway. I got wrapped up in that. And we'd stay up until 3, 4 in the morning and we would party. And then you'd sleep in until 1 or 2 and wake up and be like, oh, I mean, you feel like crap and say you're not going to, you're just going to go home after the next shift and then be back at it again the next day. Yes, exactly that. Yes. Push. Yeah. It was like that. I mean, yeah, I spent a lot of my life living like that exact kind of schedule. It's rough. Like, I hear other people tell their story and they're like, and then I had to wake up early and go to work or like I got through the week or I waited until

I got home to drink. And I think there was never really a time in my life where I, I worked normal hours like that. Like I was always just surrounded by people that also worked that time shift. So I never kind of saw outside of it. I rarely saw people that lived on the other side of that lifestyle because I was just so ingrained in it. So all I saw were people that were kind of worse off than me, people that drank more or used more because those exist in that culture too. Yeah. That's a good excuse for some of us to keep going.

Mm-hmm. Because we always find John out there or Sally out there who's doing things maybe a lot worse than we are. Right. Yeah, I mean, I'm not there yet. So I may as well just keep this train going forward. So you get into college for the second time here. How does this play out? I mean, I did better the second time around.

So when I lived in Flagstaff, the first year before I got into college, it was definitely just kind of like a year of drinking and blacking out a lot and like trying to. find a solid place to live. And then once I got into school, I started to kind of back off the drinking a little bit. I was still working in a bar, but I was only working part-time. So two or three days a week and not super late in the weekdays. And then I met the man that I ended up marrying a little bit later on. And he was in school too. So we kind of helped each other. But he was a big drinker too. And he started going to music festivals with me. So like, when I wasn't doing school, I was just getting fucked up. I was taking a lot. I was taking acid, eating mushrooms, trying to drink all the time. And that was pretty much our hobby. And it went on

like that until, until I graduated from that. So I finished school. And then we were supposed to get married the next year. So I graduated in December, 2012, and we were getting married the next August. And he was graduating that May. And like right after I graduated, I had this like horrible panic attack that lasted for like maybe three weeks. And that was the first time I ever really noticed that I had anxiety. Like I didn't know what it was. I looked it up because I kept going to a heart doctor because I thought there was something wrong with me. And I couldn't go to work and I couldn't do anything and it was really hard. And finally I went to an urgent care because I thought it was dying. And they were like asking me what's going on. And I'm like, well, I just graduated from college.

I'm supposed to get married and the guys, you have anxiety. It's just like, oh shit. And of course, I never brought that back to the drinking. Like at that point, I was also using Adderall when I was in college, which was not great, like sometimes for school and sometimes recreationally. And I think I just didn't ever stop to reflect on is this what I want moving forward. And I just kind of kept drinking through it, especially after I graduated like that next six months. I remember I started bartending at the bar I had been working at forever. So my schedule changed even more. And I was working later into the evening. I was working with different people. a lot of guys. And that's when I started kind of picking up cocaine more regularly. And my fiance at the time was not doing really any of that. So there was like this kind of separation. And then we ended up getting married anyway. And then separated again by the end of that year.

So it was rough. Wow. Yeah. That's a busy couple of years. Yeah. It was a lot. Yeah. So it's interesting, too, though, because you're mentioning a lot about blackouts.

I mean, did you ever take a second to think? Okay, what's going on here? What's this all about? Because I've heard a couple different stories. My experience with blackouts, I would mix Xanax with drinking. Then I would have a blackout. But just drinking alone, maybe had a handful. But when it happened, I would be like, okay, that was wild.

That was really dangerous. So on and so forth, that stuff. But it didn't really prevent me from moving forward. It would just kind of go away. I would just forget about it. What was it like for you, though? Because it's so dangerous looking back, right? At least in my experience is so, so dangerous.

Did you ever take a second to say, hey, what's going on here? I don't think I did. I mean, I think, especially in that time, it just felt normal. Like the people that I hung out with, I would mention that I blacked out. And they would be like, oh, I didn't even notice that you were that drunk or like, you seemed okay. So I would like black out and then leave. Like I'd be at a bar. and I didn't have a car at the time, and I lived close by, so I would either walk or ride my bike,

and if I blacked out, I would just leave. I would end up at home. And there were definitely times where, like, I remember I lived in this one little house, and there was a house in front of me kind of on the same property, and the kids in front of me were a little bit younger, and they would have parties, and I remember somebody, one of my friends came over to my house after I had left when I was really drunk, and they said that there was a guy on my couch with me, and I don't remember that. I mean, it definitely felt really scary, but somehow I did. just kept pushing through, I guess, because that was like the lifestyle that was working at the bar. That was, you know, how I drank. And it was weird because, I mean, I've probably blacked out

over 50 times. I mean, it started to happen more often. It was weird because the more often it happened, the more often it happened, if that makes sense. Like, it felt like the more often it happened, the easier it was for it to happen more. So, I mean, there was one time, really, it was a St. Patty's Day, actually. I went out with a friend of mine the night before St. Patrick's Day because we both had to work the next day at one or something to wait tables all day. And I woke up. I didn't know how I got home. A friend of mine was sleeping on my couch and we both were like in a panic because I had to be at work and I had just woken up and I remember getting ready. And I remember feeling my head when I put my hair up and it was sticky. And I got to work and I realized somebody was like, hey, you have something in your ear. And there was like blood. in my ear. So I guess that night I had fallen off a chair. I don't even know. I couldn't even tell you exactly what happened, but I had a big, like, wound on the back of my head that I just smashed myself in the head and then woke up and went to work the next day. Like, I'm super lucky that I didn't hurt myself any worse than I did. But that definitely shook me a little bit,

and I think I stopped drinking liquor for the week. But that was it. That was early on. So definitely kept drinking after that. Yeah, my goodness. Where do we go from here? So after I ended up getting separated and then divorced, the town I lived in Flagstaff was really small, and everybody kind of knew what was going on. There was a lot of self-sabotage. I did some things that were not super nice to my ex. I lost a lot of friends. I kind of isolated myself, started doing more drugs, drinking. And it took me about a year, but I finally left Flagstaff and went back to my parents to work for my dad. And he worked at an engineering firm. So I went back there for about six months and worked for him on, like, a temporary job. And there was a time there where we all went to celebrate for Thanksgiving. And everybody was drinking. And I was drinking more than everybody. And I guess it was noticeable because I had blacked out. And my dad, like, brought me to a Denny's and sat me down and was like, I think you need to think about your drinking. And that's the first time anybody ever said anything to me. And I didn't even see it coming. And he explained to me,

the weird thing. He talked about my mom's kind of habits when it came to that. And if I'm not keeping myself in check, it could get really bad considering like the alcoholism that kind of ran in our family from before. So, wow. How old were you when he sat you down at the Denny's? I was 29, I think, at this point. So at that point, I tried to pull back. I was trying to drink less. And it wasn't as often that I was drinking, but when I did choose to drink, I would drink a lot. So it was like the binge drinking. So I would go like a week or so without drinking and be pretty proud of myself and then pick up one drink and then end up getting like shit-faced. So there was that.

And then after that, I decided to move back to Arizona because I just didn't really have anything else in Pennsylvania. And I wanted to go back. So I moved to Phoenix and with another friend of mine that lived there. And it just got worse from there. Yeah. So what's with all the moving? Is that just like a way at the time if I moved to another place? Maybe things will get better. Is that something you're thinking about or no? Yeah. I mean, I lived in a small town. So like the idea of being in the same place, there was no allure for me. And when I moved to Flagstaff, I was 21. So like I made a ton of friends. And that felt like that's where my life was. So like when I came back east, I was living in a little town again. I didn't have a call. of my own. And I just felt super lonely. I didn't have that community anymore. And I think I was craving that. And I don't know if I really even had plans for what I wanted to do when I went to

Phoenix. But I just decided that was the right thing to do. And I was almost 30. So my parents were like, what are you going to do when you get there? And I was like, I don't really know. Probably just get another job at a bar or something. But I had a degree. I wanted to use it. I just really didn't know how. It was like an environmental science degree. And I was just a burnt. out on that at that point. And I made really good money working in a bar. So it's hard to walk away from that. It's easy. You have experience. I got a job in another bar and just kind of fell right back into the same patterns. And I think the thing about that particular time when I was in Phoenix is that I realized that if I do cocaine or Adderall, what I'm drinking, then I don't black out. So then that was

like a change of gear. So then it was like I couldn't drink unless I had stimulants. So then it was like drinking and doing Coke every day. And it just got to be expensive and exhausting. And that went on for three and a half, four years when I was out in Phoenix. I got a job at this dive bar where it was like not even a restaurant. It was just a bar. It opened at six in the morning. And I remember you just said something about this about seeing people that were older than you and kind of seeing projected where you're going. And there were a couple bartenders there who were older like in their 40s and 50s. And I was just like finally, I was like, I can't do this. Because there was no like, consequences. I could drink while I was working. I could use what I was working. People would

trade me drugs for drinks. When I was there, it was just that kind of place. And I just didn't see a way out. All of a sudden, I started to panic. I had nothing else going on. This was what I was doing. I was drinking every day before work, at work, after work. And I just told my parents I was going to move back. And that was it. And I decided to leave again. But yeah, that was a rough time. Yeah. What's your mental health like going through all of this? The whole mix here. I don't even know if I gave it a chance to be not like under the influence of something. I mean, it was hard.

I was anxious. My anxiety got so much worse. I mean, there were times when I would just cancel any plans that didn't involve drinking because I didn't think I could do it without drinking. That was the only thing in that time that, like, helped my anxiety. So that's why I would have a drink before I went to work or have a drink if I had to go to an event. Like I just I didn't like riding in the car with anyone because that would give me really bad anxiety

So I mean it was just out of control Yeah, wow That's really bad yeah Yeah a lot of times too I mean drink or do drugs and all that sort of stuff to self-medicate in a sense I mean if you put a finger on if that is something you can relate to what it was helping you with I mean in those last couple years it definitely helped with anxiety Looking back on it now like it was clearly perpetuating me

anxiety, like making it much worse. But at that point, in the last couple years, I think it was just I didn't see myself outside of that lifestyle. I remember the first time I thought about not drinking anymore. I remember I had just woken up and I was hung over and I had to be at work and it was that same cycle. You know, I was like sitting outside smoking a cigarette in the summer in Phoenix and it was like a million degrees and just like sitting there thinking like I have tried to tell myself, I'm not going to drink today multiple times and not been successful, not once. That is a problem. And I don't think anyone around me was feeling the same way or was really, we didn't talk about it.

And I have been drinking with these people for years at this point. And nobody ever talked about it being like an option to stop drinking. I remember meeting people at the bar who would come in and say that they don't drink and they just wanted to diet Coke and being like, I don't know how you could live like that. That's crazy. It was just so much my lifestyle and everything I identified myself with that the idea of not doing it anymore, I'd be like, I don't have any friends. Who am I outside of this? What kind of person am I going to be?

What would I do with my life? Yeah. Interesting too there. Yeah, the Phoenix sun is pretty hot, right? Right. It makes me think of those times waking up, hungover, and a tent when it's 90 degrees out. And it's just what did I get myself into? So was it pretty frequent?

I mean, to wake up and say, I'm going to at least take today off. Yeah, I think I started to challenge myself at that point. Like in the last couple years, I would say this week I'm not going to drink or like just today at work. Even just to get myself through a work shift without taking a shot or something. It was like impossible. I couldn't do it. There was always a reason. Something happened at work.

It was somebody's birthday. Friends of mine came into the bar. So there was always a reason and I could never just get through a one shift. without drinking or without using cocaine. It was just I couldn't do it. It was like out of my control. And I started to notice. And I think that's why I decided to leave again.

Because I could see myself projected in the future working as this dive bar just going on undisturbed. Because I was also like good at my job, I guess. So nobody was going to question me. Yeah, I didn't see a way out. I was just leaving the state again. Yeah. So here we go.

Back to the East Coast. And how does that go? Are your parents asking any questions now about what's going on? Or do you talk with them about what's going on? Yeah. So, like, when I was living out there the second time, I would talk to my mom, like, maybe once every two weeks. And she started to notice, like, the longer periods between our phone calls meant kind of like she would assume that something was going on with me. And then I remember having one phone conversation where I was like, I think I was still a little drunk because I would work.

like the 6 a.m. to noon shift at the bar and then drink afterwards. So then I would call my mom in the afternoon. And I just started bawling. I was just like, I'm miserable. I'm sad. Like I hate it here. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't have a car. I can't leave the city. The city is loud and like intense. I'm not in a great part of the city. So it's not like it's pretty or there's not a lot of opportunities. I was just like I let it all out kind of for her. And since then she kind of urged me. She would like, you can come back here. It's okay. You don't have to stay. there. They helped me buy a car when I was out there like the last six months and I drove that car back to the East Coast a few months later. So yeah, they definitely had a foot in that. They encouraged

me. They saw something going on. They never mentioned it to be substances and I don't think because of my mom's history and just substance being like a really common thing in our family, nobody ever proposed that maybe I should stop altogether. That was never something that anybody was like, I mean, besides that one time when I talked to my dad, but even then it wasn't like a, hey, you should stop drinking. Okay, you should keep an eye on this because it could get out of control. But, I mean, I don't think they ever knew how bad it was in those times, you know? Yeah, it's always interesting, too, looking back at a lot of stories that there's some intervention of some sort,

but somewhere along the line, somebody has that conversation about maybe cutting back or moderation is kind of the buzz term now. but I always think back in my story, like, by the time I had those conversation with people, I was thinking to myself afterwards, my goodness, if that was in the cards for me, I would have done that a long time ago. And saved myself a lot of problems. Yeah. But it wasn't, like your story, too. Once I started, I didn't want to stop because I wasn't interested in drinking.

At first, it was, whatever, we could check this stuff out. But I was interested in the escape that it provided, the temporary relief from myself, of feeling everything of inadequacy and in feeling like I belong somewhere and being able to fit in and being comfortable and the insecurity slide away and all that stuff. But I wasn't able to really connect those dots till further down the line. And then it becomes that habit and what you do. And then it may be in your situation too, you're physically dependent. I mean, it changes our brain chemistry. So it's, well, no wonder we want more of this addictive drug. And then you throw cocaine on top of it too. I personally remember too, going to the bars. And I was never.

thing my friends did. I was always kind of the strange dude in the bathroom all the time. My buddies were never really into it. I never really had a group of buddies that were into it, but it was my thing to kind of keep the party going. I just remember looking back and just how depressed and how sad I was. But at the time, I thought I was just having a good time. And it was so far from it. So you move back to your parents' place. And how did things go from there? So I moved back in April of 2019. I came back with like maybe 15 more tattoos and dreadlocks and like looking pretty alternative bartender in like my early 30s.

So I moved back to a small town. I'm like trying to get a job at a bar anywhere just so when I'm telling myself like, well, I just need to make money. So I'm going to start here and then I'm going to figure out what else I can do. And I'm like having a really hard time getting hired. And I started to feel like really down about myself. I had some journals that I found recently where I was trying to like, I think when I first got back, I did two days with no alcohol or something. And I was like so proud of myself and writing down, I think this is the first time I've gone two days and years, just two full days without alcohol.

And I kind of went on and off on that. I never still at that point thought about not drinking at all. But like I was trying to solve little problems. But then I finally did get a job at a bar. and just fell right back into it. And I wasn't happy. So at that point, the drinking was to escape. Like, I just realized that I was right back in this again.

And I did know what I was going to do with myself. And I'm wasting my potential and not using my degree. And I hear that from family. I hear that from friends at this point. Like, why are you working at the shit bar? Just complaining about everything all the time. I would buy whiskey to go to work. I would buy whiskey and hide it in the bathroom so that I could drink.

while I was working. There's no way people didn't know, but the bar was shitty and nobody cared, I guess. I ended up meeting someone who worked in the kitchen at that bar who was somebody who did cocaine. So then I was right back there again. And he went to the bars all the time. So I was right back in that lifestyle immediately. And I think I was like clinging to that lifestyle because I didn't know what else to do and I was unhappy. Like I wanted that community. I had been so lonely for the first couple months moving back and not having a job or friends, you know, living in my parents' basement at 34. It was rough. Yeah. So then I ended up marrying the guy that I met, like, just on a whim. It almost feels like now looking back that it was like a cry for help because I didn't

tell my parents until after I did it. And we just went to the courthouse and got married. And it was something we talked about when we were drunk. It's just a really awful decision. And I think I was like waiting for someone to be like, are you okay? And there really wasn't, that didn't exist. Nobody said, hey, are you okay? I just kind of kept moving forward. Like, my mom would be like, what are you doing? Don't come home at 4 in the morning every night.

But it still just didn't feel like, yeah, it was just really sad and really lonely. And then COVID started. And I found myself living with a dude and his father. And I got a job at a grocery store. I decided to stop working at bars and I was going to try and work on myself. And I got sober for three months. I decided to take a break or something because I had been working at a bar and I decided to quit just like out of nowhere one day because I was hung over and I just didn't want to go in. So I quit that job.

And then I got another job at this grocery store trying to switch years somehow. And then when COVID happened, we worked all through that. And right. So I was sober for three months and then the guy I was with and I decided to drink. and it just came back tenfold. Like immediately, it wasn't like I could just moderate. It was like right back into it, drinking just as much as I had been drinking before I quit. And I don't even really remember that much about that time.

That was like the first few months of COVID that I was drinking. And everybody thought the liquor stores were going to close down. So you had to stock up. But like stocking up for an alcoholic means I'm just going to drink way more because there's more in my house. And I remember being anxious about COVID and having to go into work. and like fighting with this guy and not wanting to be there and not being able to go back to my parents' house

because I was afraid for their health. So I'd be like pulling into work with just like the worst anxiety, like crying in the parking lot, just like, what am I doing? And so that was really hard. And finally I ended up moving out of the dude's house and then going back to my parents' house

and we had to go through this whole thing where I could only live in the basement. I was coming in through the basement. My mom was very, worried because she has a mess. So this was like a big risk for everybody. And I just remember being in my basement, like not sure if I was sick or if I was going to get somebody sick and like being very anxious. And I had a bottle of old granddad. And I told myself, I was like, when this is gone, that's it. No more drinking. Because this is miserable. And I'm miserable. And I'm drinking

alone in my parents' basement. I'm not allowed to go upstairs, going to the kitchen. And that was it. After that, I stopped and I just didn't drink again. And that was four years ago, almost. Wow, that's incredible. Great job. When you moved out of the guy's house, was this your husband? The guy you're married to or this was someone else? This was the guy I was married to, yeah.

Okay. Yeah. So the guy, I met him in the kitchen of this place. I mean, I literally met him. Three months later, we got married at the courthouse. And then I tried to move in with him because he lived like 45 minutes away from my mom. And he was living with his dad. And it was just thinking about it now, I'm just like living the way that I was living.

It's just it was so different than my life is today. And I know I was just like clinging to whatever I could. I think there was a lot of codependency there. I don't know. I was just looking for a friend maybe looking for any kind of connection that I could and feeling super lonely. But yeah. So you have that last drink there.

your parents' basement. I mean, what was it about that time that you wanted to have your last one, like that you knew that was it or you decided that was it? I mean, the couple months that I spent sober before, I definitely recognized a huge change in my life. The way I felt my anxiety was low, like it was really hard to think of things to do with myself, but I did try to do other things. I started going to the library and doing random research on things and just feeling myself. a little bit more. So then I just, I wanted that again. I didn't want to feel like this felt like such a cycle. Like I couldn't get out of it. I would wake up, feel like shit, tell myself I'm not going to drink, but then pick up drinks before I got to work. You know what I mean? I just couldn't,

I couldn't get through a day without drinking because I was anxious because I felt sick. Whatever withdrawal I was going to go through. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to be uncomfortable. I had to keep working every day because it was COVID and I worked in a grocery store and that was Like, everybody around me was anxious. It was just awful. It just felt really sad. And I wanted to do more with myself. So I remember I hid that bottle of old granddad.

I don't know why I hit it. It's not like anyone came in my room, but I remember digging it out of like a pile of laundry or something. And it was like half full. And I was like, once this is gone, this is it. I can't drink anymore. Yeah, wow. And then what do you do the next day?

What are your first steps? Because you're so used to it. You bought it up there, that cycle, right? Yeah. What's funny, I have not a great memory of the first couple months. I remember the next day I was trying to write in my journal. That was like a big thing for me since it was like COVID and I didn't have meetings. I didn't go to treatment or anything at first.

So I would just write in my journal. I told my mom and dad that next day, I said, look, I'm not drinking anymore like for good. Please don't, you know, don't offer me anything. If you could maybe not have liquor in the house for the first couple months, that would be great. Yeah. And then I started volunteering shortly after I quit drinking at a public housing place, I started reading stories to kids because they weren't able to get out as much. And like during COVID. And I just happened to have a connection like through my mom with this place. And it was kind of like a family services department. And I just kind of threw myself into that. And then it was like people were depending on me. And I couldn't do that drunk. I couldn't do that fucked up. I wasn't going to disappoint them because it was like one. of the few things that they had going on at the time. And I just remember those first couple months, I was just super busy. I worked more. There was like one or two people that I worked with at the grocery store that were also sober and I buddyed up to them. I tried to talk about it

as much as I could out loud. I started to tell my mom some of the stories of shit that happened to me when I lived in Phoenix, really bad blackouts or times when I could have hurt myself or hurt somebody else and she had no idea that it was that bad. But by doing that, I was kind of giving myself, there's a reason why I'm going to quit drinking forever. I would like you to take this as seriously as I'm taking it because I don't think they realized at that time. But the more I talked about it, the more she kind of got on board. Yeah, that's incredible. It sounds like too, there with the reading, maybe you found something a little bit bigger than yourself to be a part of. Yeah, definitely. I mean, I would say that drove my sobriety

to where it is today still doing stuff for other people. Because I ended up getting like a part-time position working on gardens with the people in that same community and that leveraged into a full-time position with this place and they gave me all these opportunities without much experience. And it was amazing. It was amazing to help other people to get outside of yourself. That did so much good for me at that time.

Yeah, that's exactly what I needed. Yeah. And to get out of the bars and the rest of the, So you kind of already were at the grocery at the grocery store there, but to do something that brought some joy to your life or to be able to help other people in that way to really help out. I mean, that's what you're doing, right? That's what you could say we're trying to out here. We're trying to. I mean, you are.

You absolutely are. This is huge for you to have a platform to help people. I can say so I didn't listen to your podcast when I first got sober. I don't know if it was around, but I think there was another one that I would listen to. where it was just people telling their stories. And it was, I mean, every day, multiple times a day, I was trying to listen to people's stories because feeling so alone in that is what makes it feel so hopeless.

Feeling like you are the only one, feeling like I had to convince my family that I was an alcoholic was pretty bad. And they were still drinking. I remember within the first couple months, seeing Jim Beam was like my thing. I drank so much whiskey. And that's when my dad drinks.

And it would just be there on the counter. And I just remember, and like, fuck that. I can't. I don't want to do it. But it was hard. It was really hard. It almost gets to the point for some of us

that we just kind of get pissed off with the whole idea of it, right? Because you just know the impacts and how much it, how much a life. I mean, I don't want to stay wasted. In a sense, we're not doing much. We're just kind of going through the motions of it

over and over again. And then I think it wears on you because it really wore on me that you mentioned it earlier in the episode, too, about that you've got more to offer the world and you're just not doing it. Well, maybe not that we're not doing it, but I mean, it's really hard to when you're in that cycle of drink, bartend, drink, sleep, a couple hours, drinks, feel like garbage all the time, be hungover.

The anxiety or the anxiety is just through the roof. You just feel paralyzed. Your confidence is shot. That's one of the things I don't think a lot of people realize. It doesn't matter how much alcohol you drink. It could be a little. It could be a lot. Your confidence is just wrecked.

It's just wrecked because our ability to deal with stressful situations is just diminished. Because if things get hard, what do we do? We just drink. And then when you drink, you don't actually deal with anything. And then that just becomes the pattern. Every time things are hard, we drink and you don't deal with anything. You don't develop the resilience. You don't develop those other skills and boost your self-esteem and confidence to say,

hey, I can do hard things. What an incredible story, though, from you about where you never thought you'd get out of even having to convince your parents that you're an alcoholic, convinced that your parents and that this is a big deal for you. What were some challenges, other challenges that you faced early on in even over these four years and how did you work through them? I mean, have you ever gotten connected to you brought up meetings earlier or rehab or any type of supports like that? I think for me in the beginning, the treatment was definitely service. So I started, like when I first got sober, I bought a lot of quitlet. So like Holly Whitaker's book and I think there was another one called Blackout. I can't remember the author.

But there was a couple other ones. So like the podcast, I was just like inundating myself with literature because I had time and I couldn't go anywhere. And I remember I had one or two other sober friends, like people that I had used to party with in Arizona who. it got sober. And I think that was kind of a big part of it too because I'm like, oh, if they can do it, like, maybe I can do it too. They seem happy and they're like living their life because I think that's the big fear at first is like, how am I going to live? How am I going to have fun? Who am I going to hang out with? Like, how do I even say, like, how do I go to a family event and not drink? How do I even tell them all that I don't drink? Because it's a difficult thing to face. But yeah, so I talked to a

friend and they had said, I think at that point, let's see, I got sober in May of 2020. So there was no in-person meetings all through the rest of that year. But the following springtime, like the next year in 2021, I started going to meetings. I started going to women's meetings. And I loved it. Like, I never really got a home group necessarily because they were kind of far, like I said, small town, so not much around there. But I started going. And I mean, that was such a huge. added bonus to my recovery, just to be able to sit with people who were in it. Hear people tell their story and be able to share some of my story with people or whatever my struggles were at the time and confiding in other women.

That was huge for me. So I would go, like, on a weekly basis. I started to buy, like, the AA book. I went to some recovery Dharma meetings. I tried to start a recovery Dharma meeting on time and it lasted for six months. It was nice. But ended up stopping it just because it just didn't work out the way I was. wanted to, but so I was trying new things. I was trying to be proactive about it and educate myself.

And I was like telling all my friends and like trying to put that recovery lifestyle out there because I felt great. Because like you were saying, you're numbing these things and you're not doing hard things and you're not feeling any feelings. You're not feeling joy either. You know, you're not feeling like just pure excitement for excitement's sake, which was something that I realized. And once I started to feel things like that, I was I was like, oh, okay. There's a reason. Some people are really happy in recovery, and that's why you get good feelings back, too. Yeah, that's beautiful. What are things like for you today?

So now I am in my second year of grad school. I'm getting a degree to be a licensed clinical social worker, so therapists kind of, I work for a substance use and behavioral health facility. So right now I'm doing community-based case management for other women who are suffering with substance use disorder. mostly women that are like connected with children in use and stuff. So they're kind of on the timeline. But it's amazing. I work from home most of the time. I get to just go meet with people where they are and try and help them to move forward.

And my lived experience does everything for that position. Being able to connect with somebody on that level makes a huge difference. So it's been really nice. And that is a great way to stay sober to talk about it all day with other people. Yeah, that's so true. Exactly. What's, I mean, what's your message to people that are going through this? Like, they're in the thick of it, right? I mean, a lot of people are going to go through that same sort of journey. I mean, all of us humans are unique and have our own individual stories.

But we all know that we have a set of emotions that we go through. And these journeys, the more and more you hear of them, there's so many similarities. So what would you mention to somebody who's in the thick of it? They don't see a way out. Maybe they don't even see a problem. So if I'm talking to somebody that's in that situation, like for work, usually what you ask people is, well, what do you like about using? What do you like about using? And people start to talk about it. And you'll hear that people sometimes start to say what they don't like about it without even really thinking about it. And you kind of just dig into that. But, I mean, you really have to want it. There's so many times when people are stuck in a situation where they're mandated to go to treatment and they're not ready.

And I think that you've shared in your stories before that you've gone through treatment and treatment and maybe it didn't stick yet. But you know that there's like a mindset shift. And you kind of feel when you're ready, like you said, when you're really sick of it and you're feeling like you're done, you're tired of it. But you kind of have to get there on your own. It's not necessarily something that you can force yourself into. But just being open to even having those thoughts of maybe this is a problem. Maybe I deserve more. It's such a huge part of it to just be able to.

to entertain that thought for a couple minutes. Maybe there's something else out there for me. Yeah, I love that. That's so true. There has to be a level of readiness for people to be able to buy in, to get clicked in. And that's sort of the research we do over the time of drinking drugs, whatever it is. Right.

That's the research we're kind of doing. And I think we often, if not all the time, we find ourselves right back to where we first started, even mentioned after he had the three months, you got back into it. And a few years go by. That's kind of one thing that's been coming up a lot in conversation with people's that we go through this idea of just one more. I'm just going to have one more, take the edge off, whatever it is. And then you hear so often in people's stories, a decade goes by. Because you never know where one more is going to take you, even though we tell ourselves, right, one more and I'll quit tomorrow.

No problem, right? We made the deal with ourselves just tonight, then a decade or two decades or three years or whatever goes by. So I think it's just so important to just rely on the history. It's often said history repeats itself. And with this, it probably is going to. So I think that's great. That's great for people to get to that spot of being ready. And when you do find yourself ready and people offer suggestions,

then you've got to show up and follow through with some of the stuff that can help you out. Because that's the thing I did, right? I would get in this tight spot or these different pickles in life. and I'd throw my hands up in the air and ask for help, and then I would get suggestions or ideas and that I would just, nah, that won't work or that. I tried that. All these excuses, right?

And I did try a lot of stuff, but not wholeheartedly. I didn't actually put in effort just because I showed up and took up space in the chair or the treatment center or the hospital or whatever it was. That didn't mean that I tried it. And I really had to get honest with myself to say, you know what? I know I've done these things and I've showed up at these places, but I don't think that I've actually tried it. And it really changed the game.

Incredible story, Jordan. Thank you. Well, thank you so much for sharing it with us. Is there anything that we miss that you want to share before we sign off? No, I think you got the bulk of it. I think that's all pretty good. Yeah. That's it.

Okay, we did a good job. All right. Cool. Well, thank you. Yeah, thank you. I appreciate the opportunity just to share. Well, there it is, everyone, another incredible episode. It was awesome to get to know Jordan, hear her story.

We've been chatting back and forth before we did this episode on email a little bit, but you just really never know what to expect. I don't know most of the people who come on the show and how things are going to go. But my goodness, they always turn out incredible. I'll drop Jordan's contact info for Instagram in the show notes below if you want to reach out and connect with her. If you appreciate her story, just to say thank you. I know it means a lot to the people who put it all in the line to share their story in hopes to inspire the next person.

So thank you all for the continued support. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And have a good weekend if you're listening to this when it's launched on Friday. And if not, whatever day you're listening to it, make it a great one, make it a good one, make it a sober one. And I'll see you on the next one.