Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Alcohol Was No Longer Fun - Carolyn's Story

Episode Date: November 22, 2024

In this episode, we have Carolyn, who courageously shares her raw and personal journey growing up, experimenting with substances out of curiosity, and eventually battling addiction. Carolyn opens up about her supportive yet concerned family, her experiences with alcohol and drugs during high school and beyond, and the crucial interventions that led her to sobriety. She details her struggle with identity after getting sober and her involvement with support groups and therapy. Carolyn also discusses her inspiring time on the TV show Survivor and how her story resonated with many. ------------- Download the Loosid App: https://loosidapp.onelink.me/vZuQ/62ui9njg Follow Carolyn on IG: https://www.instagram.com/car0lynr0se/

Welcome back to season three of the Suburmotivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode, we have Carolyn, who courageously shares her raw and personal journey growing up experimenting with substances out of curiosity and eventually battling addiction. Carolyn opens up about her supportive yet concerned family, her experience with alcohol and drugs during high school and beyond,

and the crucial interventions that led her to sobriety. She details her struggle with identity after getting sober and her involvement with support groups and therapy. Carolyn also discusses her inspiring time on the TV show Survivor and how her story resonated with so many. And this is Carolyn's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. Welcome back to another episode, everybody. Thanks as always for checking out the show.

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I'll drop the link down to the show notes below or you can check your favorite app store, L-O-O-O-S-I-D, Lucid. I'll see you in there. Welcome back to another episode of the Subur Motivation podcast. Today we've got Carolyn with us. How are you?

Good, good. Thanks for having me. Yeah, of course. Thank you for being willing to jump on here and share your story with all of us. So what was it like for you growing up? Growing up was normal or as normal as it could be. I was in sports.

I had supported parents. And I want to say this. And my dad still will, I would say like once a year be like, I'm sorry for, you know, things that happened. Or did I do something wrong for you to become addicted? And it's obviously I think parents blame themselves and I have to reassure him. And this still happens. But it was one of those things like I had to reassure him. Like, you did nothing.

There wasn't anything that you did. If anything, you were super supportive. I didn't come from, you know, this horrible upbringing that led me down astray or whatever. It just started with, honestly, curiosity and then just access to it. And it's that quick. It's so quickly can that, or it just took over where it was like, oh, my gosh, I love the excitement. I love the just like danger of this. This is fun.

And so things that used to be. fun for me, sports and just being more social even. I wasn't interested in anymore. And so I got, in really, like, my parents would have interventions with me and I would stop. And then it would start up again. My big thing was, I ended up graduating from high school and started drinking. And I was working in bars. I was working, like, I was the shot girl. I was the, I always had like alcohol related jobs. And I always, I'm like, okay, I keep lacking out. And I feel like I need to drink. at work and, okay, so I'll use cocaine too because that's going to help me not black out, or that's going to keep me up. So I was like balancing this like cocaine alcohol, cocaine alcohol.

And I think about, okay, for me at first, it's like alcohol is fun. This is like a fun thing. It didn't become fun anymore. And I always think about, okay, there's those people who will be like, okay, I just broke up with my partner, let's go out and celebrate. And it's like those same. people who then are like crying at the bar later on that night. Why? Because alcohol starts. It's a depressant. You feel like shit after doing it. There's never was a time where it's, I did this and I'm feeling, you know what I'm saying? It wasn't fun anymore. It wasn't fun. So, Tr. Yeah, just on that note there, though, when did you first get introduced to alcohol and, you know, what did that kind of look like? At a friend's house and just like access to it. And it was, okay, parents who drink and then

let's try to steal this. And it was just like the like adventure of it. The, can we get away with this type of thing? And I like that became addicting just to see what you can get away with, which is a whole other little monster. Yeah. So you go throughout high school, you go throughout high school too. And I think we talked a little bit before.

So you started to drink a little bit more and your parents are intervening. What do those conversations go like with the fallout of things? just really just like being put on lockdown and I'm somebody who my whole life has been like middle or excuse me elementary school I was the one who couldn't sit still and couldn't shut up and couldn't pay attention or focus or listen and honestly like I felt okay I'm going to smoke some weed that's going to help me so it's and I didn't have not till middle school like medication like interventions So it was like, I always felt like the world made me feel like something was wrong with me. I was too hyper, too much, too, like everything.

It was like, you can't sister. Why are you like this? I had a teacher who literally completely separated me from the rest of the class, maybe sit over there, you can't talk until I. And so it was like, oh, and I felt normal. It's true. I felt, okay, I'm calm now. But you know what?

It was like, I don't like that feeling either. But it was like I was treated differently then, you know? I was more normal. Yeah, that's what a big bunch of problems started for me. I was on Ritalin first for ADHD and then I was on Adderall later. And like, what a change it was. And that whole kind of period in my life was just a really interesting one. But I was, you know, really struggling in the classroom.

I was really struggling with all that type of stuff. Then when I got on the medication, I was just really quiet. And it was just a different strange experience than when I got off the medication in my life. exploded in front of me because I've found out like I lost my impulse control. So I'd have thoughts and I would just act on them and they weren't like the most productive or, you know, the most helpful things, you know, throughout high school. So you have this stuff going on. So you already feel this stuff.

A lot of people share too that struggle with it. I don't know if you can relate with this at all, but that they felt maybe uncomfortable in their own skin in some sense. Then maybe when they found, you know, drugs, alcohol, whatever it was. And maybe they found a little bit of comfort in that. Is that something you can relate to? know. Yeah, kind of. It just felt like it was a picture of everything. Like I feel more normal. But then the whole normal thing, it felt like that doesn't last either. You know what I'm saying? That like feeling better or

feeling it was not it that lost its loss for pretty quick, I guess. Yeah. And then to, you know, for your high school days too, like how do things look like for you, you know, moving through that? And then what are you up to after high school? Like I would say like pretty normal, though, not normal. Shit. Okay. I get like ups and downs, but my parents really were like, okay, they were watching me. They were making sure that I couldn't, you know, no sleepovers, just all of that stuff. Like being parents, of course, but I would still like sneak and try to do things. I wanted to always push the push to see like what I could get away with. You know what I'm saying? That didn't leave me. I wanted to see, can I get away with this? Can I get away with this?

It was like I was addicted to that too. But I felt like it, they had me like, they were watching me. So it was after I graduated then, oh my gosh, it like picked right up. And did I already say this on camera where like I was just doing every, all the jobs, like the alcohol-related jobs. I was in that like environment. And it problems obviously happened. DUI as I was getting arrested. I was doing the like crazy shit.

So when I would get arrested, it was like, I would just feel like I was Superman or something and just like I would try to escape or run or there's like a story where I don't even remember any of this. And then I'm like smacking a cop on the butt. And I'm like, what the hell am I doing? Well, I wasn't me anymore, but I didn't see it back then. Like I didn't see any of this. I always blamed other people for my problems. It was because of, I remember I had alcohol poisoning.

I was in the hospital. This was in college. And honestly, I wouldn't have free me. this unless I had the records. There's so much in my life that has happened, especially while using and drinking. I have completely like just either blacked it out, blocked it out, or I was literally blacked out or so messed up that I don't remember it. So I used to get arrested and I would take, I'd have like fines or I'd have here, you have to put whatever. I would hide them in my closet while like the night before. And then I would wake up and I'm like, oh, that didn't happen. It was

just a dream. Do you know what I mean? I would try to convince my... Oh! So anyway, I was in the hospital, and I wouldn't have even remembered this unless I came across these papers, but I remember, like, waking up, my dad was there and just, like, promising him, I'm not going to do this again. Like, I swear. Like, I swear. And I went right back on out. It's, I don't believe in the whole rock bottom thing. I don't. Everyone's bottom is going to look different. So, like, for me, truly, it truly became like, I freaking eat myself. And it may have been, okay, yes, I had legal things that led me to treatment and actually forcing me to look, like really look at myself. But could it have gotten worse for me? Absolutely. Okay, I overdose and didn't die.

That wasn't enough for me back then. And so I just truly believe the whole bottom thing is just bullshit. I feel like it always is going to get worse. It always can get worse. You know, so I do. It's what am I waiting? for death. I always say that because that will happen. And so as I am transferring to five different schools, changing my location constantly, but never, ever looking at myself, I realize maybe I am the problem. Maybe this addiction stuff is maybe I need to actually look at myself. So all the things that even other people have said is wrong with me or I didn't grow up like I'm not the best communicator or I don't know how to share things. I'm keeping crap in. I'm going to learn how to do all of that.

And I took advantage of therapy, of treatment, and I really just wanted to, I hate the word fix. But yes, heal every part of myself because I felt like, and I had a counselor who told me, like, just give this an honest chance, like, try it. And I would be at meetings. And I would hear people say, I have one year. And I'm like, oh, heck, no, I'm not doing that. I'm not, I will never be there. Because I think anything can be so, like, if someone tells you to stop,

I'm not comparing drugs to popsicles or candy. But it's overwhelming to be told that you'll never ever get to do something for the rest of your life. That's overwhelming. So that's where I feel like the whole like one day at a time

really does. It's, wow, that makes sense for me. I can actually handle and process that. So it truly, I remember being told, put it on your calendar, mark it off. And it did. It became like a lifestyle. And I remember that first year, it sucked, but it was like, I was like, oh, and just so grateful for everything.

I was writing all this poetry. I was like smelling things for the first time. And I was, do you know what I'm saying? And it was like, I love this. And for me, I had so many bullshit conversations and relationships and the using and drinking ones. I didn't have any, like there wasn't any meaningful connections. And so getting sober, that is all I craved was like real connections, real relationships with people.

And I became like addicted to that, you know. Yeah. So going back a little bit, though, how, and you mentioned like rehab and all the other kind of chaos that gets stirred up. Was blacking out something that was like common for you? Yeah. I thought like everybody did. And that's the other thing I want to say.

I had no idea like back then or even in college, like there was. sober dorms. And there's people who are, like, I honestly thought that, like, what I'm doing, everybody does, especially young, like younger people in college. We're all doing this. And if you're worried that you're going to pat, we're all like, yeah, everyone's using cocaine. That's just, I honestly felt like that. I thought that this is the norm. It's not. And there's a lot of people, it's, and I learned that once, like, I got sober. And once I started to meet people who, weren't you saying because that's what I was surrounding myself with. You know, when things were like leading up to, you know, you making these changes too,

I also thought before when we talked, it was really interesting. You mentioned something. You just shared it there a little bit too about moving to all these different locations, right? Because this is the problem, that's the problem, everything else is the problem. It can't possibly be me. Yeah. And you shared something, too, that I've talked about often on the podcast, wherever you go, there you are. At 17, my history with that is at 17, my parents checked me into this rehab. You

couldn't leave. It was a one-year program in Knoxville, Tennessee. And I was doing this program for three months. And I thought I was doing a stellar job, right? Come on, three months. I'm doing what I need to do to try to improve my life. And we used to get these things called a focus every week. And this would be what you would, you know, maybe dig into a little bit deeper. And I got this focus. Wherever you go, there you are. And that's what it said. And I was just like, okay, this is ridiculous. I do, I ask some people, you know, what does all this mean? And it basically means, you know, what they said was stop being a bullshitter. Nobody's buying into your bullshit anymore. And it was a hard in that sense that I had always lived this life of, you know, maybe manipulation and not even really

realizing it, but it was like called me out. And I really related to that because everywhere I went, it was always, it was this boss, it was this teacher, it was this friend, it was that, I was in the wrong place, the wrong time. It's just like, how many times can you, how many times could I believe in this story about? And then I had that kind of realization that you talked about too. Well, everywhere I go, I bring this stuff with me because I have all this stuff that I'm not healing or that I'm not working on in my life. And then I just put it out there into the world. And it was in that week at that treatment center where I was like, you know what, maybe there is a little bit. After a couple days of being upset, let me put that out there.

It wasn't this light switch thing. But I think after a couple days of really looking at this and every conversations around that I really started to understand that I had a lot bigger of a role to play in where I was and where I ended up in my life. At that point, anyway, 17, I was just getting started. I didn't know anything. And I still don't know much, but I'm learning. that I had a lot bigger of a role to play in the relationships and sort of my environment around me than I realized. And I just thought that was, you know, really interesting because I think as we go through this struggle, whether it be drugs, alcohol, a mix of both, it's really easy to blame everything else for where we are. But the reality is that doesn't get us anywhere, you know?

And I always had this counselor at this other rehab program I went to. He said, when you're pointing your finger at somebody else, there's three pointing back at you. so you have a part to play in every situation. I just thought that was interesting. So you mentioned rehab. Yeah, and for me, it was, again, just like a court ordered. It was like I wasn't staying there. What do you call that, like residential or something?

It wasn't residential, just outpatient. But I did it for a while, like longer than normal, I guess. And I guess everything changes in every state is different. And I'm not going to lie, like I had relapses. and I needed that support, though. I absolutely needed that. And I wouldn't say I took it seriously at first and just something stuck,

going to meetings and connecting with people, actually listening to people's stories, is true, like listening to people, and listening to my counselor and it inspired me to want to go back to school and become a counselor. It was like, I am, like, loving this. It was like a sobriety high, you know?

So I had a great counselor who was just, I really just connected with and felt, oh my gosh. And I loved like all the assignments. I felt like I was finally learning about myself. I felt like I was finally all the things that I may have not known how to do before. I was learning how to do. And it felt good. It was like, yeah, I'm healing. I'm growing. And I just, I felt it was like a rebirth or something. Again, like I was not proud of myself. I was ashamed of myself. I felt like, shit. But living in that denial and that, it sucked. because I would, again, I would go and I would move and I would try to reinvent myself. And it's like, but I'm bringing the same problems everywhere.

That's not, I'm not fixing or changing anything. So I, like, when I say I truly tried to just look at everything about myself with that I wasn't happy with that. And I really just tried to buy into the whole meat. Let's see if I like this. What the hell do I have to lose? I know what would the other way is going to bring me. Like, let me just try. But it wasn't that easy like at first,

smell that crap. But I really bought into the connections with people, with it was like a lice that. I was missing this before. Just the authentic, genuine connections with people with myself. And it's, well, I'm proud of myself. And I really had this desire to just, I want to help people now.

And I feel like that's everyone in treatment. They're like, I want to be a drug cause now. Am I right? You're so right. A lot of people have that vision for it. once you maybe start to get yourself on track. But so you go through this and you're able to connect and find some of the, you know,

some of that stuff you're longing for genuine connections and maybe coming home to yourself in a sense a little bit more and connecting with yourself. It's always an interesting journey how it starts out. And I picked up on there too. It didn't work for you necessarily the first time, but it sounds like it helped you just to stay involved, no matter how things are going for you, but to continue to plug in,

you know, because you do hear the odds. story of the person who, you know, goes on their first try and hits it out of the park and things, you know, work out for them for years or forever type deal. And then you hear a very common story of, you know, a lot of other people, too, who they've tried this, they tried that, they did this, they did that, a variety of different things. And then finally, you know, it's okay, it clicked. I get it now and I can move forward. How challenging was that for you or was there any challenges for you sort of in that middle ground of getting to the, you know, sober day and

first getting introduced to it? I, the biggest thing for me was like I just got sick of lying to myself. There came a point where it was like, they're really, especially when it was like the fifth school I was at. And I'm like, what? Like, I can't, there is, I, what? I remember I move. It's the school hadn't even started yet and I got arrested. And I'm like, oh my God, I can't. Oh my gosh. And I'm like, I can't tell him. I can't tell my dad.

I was freaking out. And I remember I went and I like got a job at the dairy queen real quick. And I'm like, and I was just like, screw this. I'm not working here either. I'm like, what am I going to do? And then honestly, my first thing was like, how am I going to get another fake ID? It wasn't like, so it was like, I can't keep doing this. I can't.

Like, but I couldn't just keep lying to myself. That's where the biggest thing was. And I would like to say, I hated that. Of course, it hurts when I'm hurting my family. And of course, that hurts too. But ultimately, it's sorry. Like, I hated how I felt. Like, I felt like crap.

And there comes a time where it's, I can't lie to myself anymore. There is, what am I going to move again? Come on. Like, I got to, I have to do something about this because I hated myself. And I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I just didn't. I want to be proud of myself. I want to be someone who my parents are proud of who I can actually look at in the mirror

and I want to learn how to just do everything I don't know how to do. Yeah. Now, it weighs on you. It weighs on all of us, I think, after a while, right? Just the lies, right? Eventually, you start to see through it. I always had this vision, too, of I know I can do better. I know I can be better.

I know that this isn't what I want for my life. But it's also then being stuck in that cycle, too, of, I know better. but then it comes on a different way. Like when I first started drinking and doing whatever, I didn't have the consequences. The consequences took time, right? Like it was good. I was connecting with people.

It was fun, college, whatever. You know, we had a good time. I always drank more than my peers. I always drank longer than my peers. I always was focused on the next one. I, you know,

looking back, I noticed that at the time. I related with you. I thought everybody was doing it. Now I'm just like, yeah, that was not the truth. That's just a story I told myself.

Exactly. But there does come that time where we get fed up with our own stuff in a sense, I think, where it's, I got a, the pain maybe starts to really build up and maybe tip the scales for us. How old were you when you got sober and when was it? May 20th, 2009, I was 22. Wow. That's incredible. Young and people be like, didn't you, these are the questions that I get asked.

That's really young. and didn't you still want to, like, go to the bars or, heck, no. It was like, by that point, it was not fun. Like, it wasn't fun for me anymore. I didn't feel like I was missing out. I had been going to bars. I had a fake ID when I was 16, so it wasn't, like, for me, oh, what am I going to miss out on or what?

No, I was like, I did. I was, like, at a point where it was like, oh. So it's young, but I'm not, like, missing. out on something. And that's one of the things, and this didn't happen overnight. I want to stress that. This didn't happen overnight. But I really wanted to just love my life, enjoy my life, be okay with me. I wanted to have fun sober. And that took time. It was awkward. It was weird. Going places, I had to really learn how to like, oh my gosh. And at first, I remember like just policing everybody, like, you have alcohol and it's, oh. And everybody has different boundaries when it

comes to this. And like for me, okay, if I'm with someone, I don't want you drinking and I don't want you to, like, there's just certain boundaries that I have. I'm not going to smell that on your bread. So there's certain boundaries I have. But early on, I was like, how dare you? Like, you ordered to drink and blah, blah, but I would just be firm and be like, hey, this is, I'm not going places with alcohol, especially early on. It was too hard. And I'm not even encouraging people. Again, everybody is different. But it was really hard for me going to places early on it. And it's really changed throughout the years, but I had to learn how do I like get back into society and learn how to have fun and enjoy myself. And I'll just say, like, I slowly was able to get back on the dance

floor and do things. And I'm not saying I do all of the same things that I did before, but sober, but I love that I can go to a concert or I'll be at a wedding or I'll be at an event or all, and I am like, I love that. And people will be like, damn, you're crazy. Or like, how No, I'm living and I am accepting myself and it just feels good to just not give a shit sometimes. And when I say not give a shit, like I feel like there's so many people who will be like, I got to have a drink before I go out and dance or I got to have a drink before I go and maybe whatever. You know what I'm saying? If I'm going to go dance or if I'm going to be at, let me wait, I got to work.

I'm like busting out. And I love it because if I would not have learned, if I wouldn't have learned out, I have fun, sober, I wouldn't have stayed sober, bottom line. And I'm proud as hell of that, that I can just enjoy myself, you know? Yeah, no, 100%. Yeah, if you can't find the joy in it or enjoy it, then it's going to be really hard, I think, to keep it all going. It's interesting you bring that up, too, about, you know, the fear of missing out, because I think that's a very real thing that a lot of people struggle with because a lot of people, you know, me too. My identity was tied to drinking, right? We go watch football. We go in the sports bar. We do all that. We go, you know, bow. Bowdy.

whatever, all the stuff you're not supposed to do when you're drinking. And then my identity gets tied up in this. And that's who I am. That's what I'm known as. So I don't want to let people down. So I want to keep this thing going. And then a lot of people share that. So you have that fear of missing out.

But when you hear so many stories, it's like it's uncomfortable at first, but you do find your own lane. You find your weight. I was all over. I remember thinking that like I had this weird period, especially the first like, I'd say like first six months where I didn't, I was trying to figure out who I was. And I remember feeling, oh my gosh, everything like, okay, if I'm loud or if I'm talking a lot or if I'm, even the what I wore, like how I dressed, I was like, that's associated with drinking Carolyn or using Carolyn. I remember I cut my hair. I dyed it like almost like this dark brown, black color. And I only wore black and

white. And I was like, that's got to be me now. I have to be like. I have to be like. very serious. And then I was like, what the hell am I doing? I went through so many periods of like early on where it was like, I didn't know who the hell I was. I didn't. I felt like if I'm loud, that means I'm freaking messed up or something. So I can't be because that's associated with the, you know, the crazy Carolyn or the whatever, the messed up one. So I went through this period of who am I? And one of the things that helped me like so much was like I really, I reconnected. with all of the things in my childhood that brought me happiness and joy. And I really became like a little big kid. And I started fostering bunnies. And I started to just do all the things

that made me happy when I was a kid before my life got crazy. And it really helped me just find myself again. And obviously with therapy and a lot of work. I learned to just accept myself and be okay with me. And no, I don't need to cut all my hair off, dye it black, and talk like this. And and be more serious. Hello. So that was a big, who actually am I without the drugs and alcohol? Who am I?

I had no idea. Yeah. Do you think that's common for people that when they first get sober to to try to, you don't figure that out? Yes, because like you said, there's so much of your identity or whatever the hell is in, it is. It is, this is what I do?

And then part of it is, is this me or is this the drugs or is this me? And then not to mention just like getting sober and how like your whole life is just different. It's different. You have to learn to adjust to it. And it's just a lot. So it's who am I? Who the heck am I?

And people always struggle with that anyway, even if they're not on drugs. That's the truth. So in the early days, what did you lean on to help you figure all of this stuff out? I was big like early on I was into going to the. meetings. I love support meetings. I don't go as much anymore. Like I have a sober network. I have sober friends. I have like good support. But I do different types of meetings now. I'll go if I need to just for the, I guess, community and just to hear from other people. Like I don't ever go to a meeting and feel horrible. Do you know what I mean? But it felt like something early on more crucial than it

does now. You know what I'm saying? It's now I'll go to my therapist. Really? Yeah. Yeah. For a lot of people too, getting plugged in. I think that's a huge thing is to just be a part of something. Yes. Yeah, there's strength in numbers, right? Whether we look at it in all different areas of life. But I think if we have other people and we can hear stories and hear what's working for other people and have a place to talk about all this stuff. Because a lot of us come into it. We're struggling with shame. We're struggling with guilt. How did I end up here? You know, why did I make the choices I made? You know, some of the stuff lives on with us. It doesn't just go away because we got sober necessarily. And we know. We need to be supported by other people that are through it and understand.

Because I'll talk with some people and it goes over their head. Like the normal, you know, like the weird people, the people that leave alcohol in their cup and don't finish their drinks. I'm like, that is a foreign concept to me. But if we talk with them, they're of course supportive and, you know, try to do the best they can. But I don't know if they fully get it, right? Everybody fully understands, right? What happens in how to get out of the spots we're in? So I love that.

I love that being connected with stuff. The immediate connection. Can I say one more thing? Sorry. Of course. The other thing, you know, I would tell my clients this. Like, as a drug counselor, I would tell my clients, like, then go for the support and the friends and the people that you are going to meet because you can't do this alone.

And it's the truth. It's like early on to, it's, whoa, you can connect with people. You can be around people who get it. Because in my opinion, like, everyone's recovery can look different. do what works. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to judge anyone's recovery. I'm not. And for me, I would tell people, like, just go. And if anything, go meet some people because you're going to get lonely and you're going to need a friend group. You're going to need support. Just go, give it a shot and ignore all the bullshit that you don't feel like you believe in.

You know? Of course. And I think that kind of me hear a lot too. I'm with you. I used to go to meetings. I haven't been to a meeting in a few years. But I used to do that stuff. I was, you know, big part of what I did. I went to celebrate recovery. I went to AA. I went to NA. I went to everything. But I tried everything to figure this stuff out, literally everything that I could make it happen. But you always hear, listen to the similarities and not the differences. And I think as people who struggle, we want to go in there and we want to think about, you know, I'm not there yet. My life doesn't look like that. It's not that bad. But, you know, for anybody, there was a point in time in all of our lives where we weren't where we are. You know what I mean?

And so just because we're not there yet, I can't predict a future for anybody's struggle or anybody's life. But just because you're not there yet doesn't mean that you couldn't possibly end up there. And why not get off this elevator a little bit earlier than maybe when it goes through the basement of the motel building? I think for people too, like if certain things are not your vibe, keep trying different things because there are going to be some people who figure this out on their own. And there's going to be a lot of people who you're going to really benefit from just

a supportive community that, you know, is talking the language that that we all understand. Exactly. Exactly. We need it. We just, we need other people. And that's like with anything. It's like that immediate connection that you get from somebody who gets it who understands who's been there. And you can find the jackasses and the like people that are like, ugh. And you have, you might have a bad experience at a meeting. So you go to a meeting and it sucks. Go to a different one. Just if you were to get a therapist, I've had therapists where I'm like, girl, no. And then I get a different one. It's not I don't give up. Yeah, 100%.

What have been some of the challenges that you've had to work through throughout your time and sobriety? What do those still talk? I like a lot. First, early on, it was I felt like I had done so much work early on, like the first three and a half, two years, shit, three, where I felt like, okay, I'm like, and this is embarrassing that I thought this back then, but okay, I'll get real. I felt I did all this work. I'm cheered.

Not cheered, but I felt like, I've done all of the work. I should be good. So when I became a drug counselor, I had this so much guilt because I was going, I was struggling with some stuff at the time. And I'm like, but I shouldn't be struggling with this. I shouldn't be struggling with this because like I already did all of that work. Gosh, this is embarrassing to even think about, but it's true. I've already done all this work.

I shouldn't feel this way. Why am I feeling this way? I'm a drug counselor and I'm helping other people. So how the heck am I going to go and get help now? Okay. I'm going to still have challenges. Just because I'm not sober, it doesn't mean that stuff doesn't still get hard and difficult and there's not going to be shit that comes up in my life. That's not hard to deal with. That's not true at all. But you know what? I just deal with it differently now. But because of my job, like my profession specifically, I just felt like how dare I help other people and then get help myself. I felt which is. so messed up. And I've learned this. It's like, we all struggle. And I am someone now, I put it all out there. And I'll be the first one to say, I am not perfect. I make a lot of mistakes. I struggle. I cry a lot. I still do. And I'm constantly learning. But I never, one of the things I'm proud of, I don't stay stuck. So if I am feeling something or struggling

with something, I get help. I reach out. I'll do therapy. I'll find a meeting online about it or I'll find a women's group. I don't like to stay stuck in my shit. You know what I'm saying? And I am very okay with being open about that too. Yeah, I struggle sometimes. But it's this weird feeling now where as I've gone through, like I've gone through a lot, especially my last year and leaving a relationship and just a lot emotionally. And I'm so freaking proud of myself for, I had so many days where I would be like in my chair and I'd be journaling and I'd be waiting for therapy or I'd be waiting for my group online and I'd be like, you know what? I'm like, I'm feeling this though. I'm actually feeling this versus before I was running from it versus before I was

distracting myself with it versus before I would fill that void, whether it be with another human, whether it be with a drug, whether it be with something unhealthy. I feel it now every single. second of it and it's hard. It's really freaking hard. But I say this, I need to feel it so I can heal it. Everything. And sometimes it's not just like a, oh, I'm going to go work on it and I'm better. No, it can be up and down and up and down, but I feel it and I look forward to feeling it. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I actually wrote that down when you're sharing their feel it to heal it. I think it's that level of awareness too. The awareness, sobriety brings in our life. And then the willingness to do something about where we're at. Yes. Like this stops.

I don't like that. Like, you know, what can I do? What can I do? I've learned so much the last few years, too. I have so much empathy for other people. And especially like with even like when I was working in the residential setting as a counselor, I would always stay late. And I'm like, I need to take care of me too. And I have really. really learned the last like year to just you know what I need to do things to protect myself I need to create better boundaries I need to say no I need for my own like sanity and well-being and I've learned that because I am that person if I see somebody crying or struggling like I feel that too I take on other and I can't live like that I'm going to be no no way so I'm constantly growing and learning and

it is. It's like this awareness, but it's, I know that feeling when something is off or something doesn't quite feel right. And it's, I'm going to reach out. I'm going to reach out. I don't stay stuck in it. Yeah. And that's also like another point, even going way back to, you know, when you get sober. I always thought this is what I thought. Now when I look back, it's madness. But I thought the act of getting sober, everything was just going to change for me. But when I realized, too, like looking back, For me, anyway, that was the easiest part of it all. That was just like, that was just one second, right? It's okay, I'm making a decision.

I'm going to get sober. Okay, that was done. Now I'm two days in. I'm three days in. I'm sober. Now I've got to like what you talked about earlier, right? Learn how to live, you know, maybe reinvent myself in a sense. And now I've got all these emotions that I got to deal with.

That doesn't end after one year, two years. And, you know, the events around us change, the emotions change. And then we have to learn new ways to. go through this. For me, like, being a father was a whole new learning curve of these three kids. I'm like, how am I going to do, how am I going to do all of this? Like, how am I going to, you know, show up for these kids, right? And I was terrified of like, how am I going to be able to do all this? And then you learn as you go, right? And you figure it out. And then you pushed up against the wall and you got to choose to grow a bit. At least I do anyway. So you go through this.

And that other stage you talk about, too, being a drug counselor, being, you know, working in there with people for sure an incredibly tough job to do. Very rewarding job. I did it for six years. I worked at a residential center. And it was very rewarding, but it was extremely challenging as well. And I'm with you on that too, right? You're in a spot where you feel like you have to have all the answers.

And honestly, towards the end of me working there, you know, you go to school and they pump your tires up and you're, you know, you feel like you're equipped. And I had the personal story just like you have the story. And I went in there a little bit naive and I was going to change people's lives. and all this stuff. And I realized really quickly that was not the case at all. And I got out of doing it, which also, you know, I thought that might be something I would do forever.

But I'm with you. You feel like people are coming to you to have all the answers to guide them. But, you know, what I have learned since then to have a long ramble here is that being vulnerable and showing other people might get them further, teaching them how to do that and showing them that it's okay to do that, might get them further than telling them how to get sober, how to stay sober, you know, showing them that it's, this is a human process or we're going through a human experience and it's okay to struggle no matter where you're at. The most important thing here is just to keep

showing up and get back at it. I make sure to, and that's what I said, I make sure to tell anyone like who people I talk to, people I meet with. I am not like, I don't have it all together. I don't always have it all together. I'm not perfect. I struggle. The difference now is like, I actually acknowledge when I struggle and I seek help. And it's, I'm actually dealing with things. I'm not a lot like I'm not lying to myself. And that's a good ceiling. I was having a talk with my son the other night just about a lot of things. And we were talking about honesty and I was telling him about integrity. And I told him, you know, whether you're here or there or whether I'm, in front of you or not, you get that gut feeling. Am I doing the right thing? You want to do the right

thing. Be that same person you are with me, but you are with your friends and other people. But it's like that, that icky feeling that you get when you tell a lie or it's exhausting. It eats at you. That's the stuff that keeps you up at night. Like, it's just a different way of life, you know? And something I'm so grateful for as a parent to just be able to do it. sober, for real. Like, I don't wake up. I'm not feeling hungover. I'm not, like, there's no way I would be able to just be present and be, especially when my son was young. Oh, my gosh, because we'd go sledding, and we are running, you know, digging holes, making mud pits, doing, like, I always like to get, like, down and dirty and do what he was doing. You know what I'm saying? I love, let's go catch

frogs. Let's go catch bugs. I wanted to be doing the stuff that he did. I'm going on the playground. I'm doing it all. So it's if I would have been hungover or all messed up. I would have missed out on so much of his life. I wouldn't have been a part of it. So I'm grateful for that. Yeah, that's truly incredible. Something to definitely be grateful for.

Do you want to talk about the Survivor experience at all? That's where I came across your story. And I can only imagine I'm not alone. I don't watch Survivor the series, but I saw a clip somewhere or headline or something. and that's how I came about hearing about you and your story. And then that's sort of how this all came. So what was that experience?

Like, when exactly was it? It was what? Was it season 44? 44. And then it's so crazy because it's like a year. So it was May. Was it May? My God.

How do I not know this? May. Yeah, I left May of 2022 and then got back July 1st of 2022. It didn't air until March 1st of 2023. So, like, they, it's like a whole year before it airs, and it sucks, to be honest. But waiting, so filming, getting back, and then waiting forever, it sucked. Can you tell anybody or no? No.

And so there's that, you know what I'm saying? And so there's even, like, in my old neighborhood at the time, I was like, was this paranoia because it's, I don't want to say they scare you with it, but they're like, don't say anything. Yeah, I was terrified. I can't have people find out about this, especially like even when I was in the casting process and all of it's a whole other thing. But no, you can't tell people.

So it just, oh, it sucked. I like waiting. Yeah, I'm wondering too. Like I had another guy on the show. I'll tell you what I'm wondering. I had another guy on the show here and he was on the show with Blake Shelton, the music one. So he was on that.

I don't know the name of it off the table. I don't either, but I know what you're talking about. Yeah, but so he went on there. They put him front and center as the sobriety guy. And when he was doing all his stuff, he didn't know that until it came live that they put him front and center of the sobriety guy, right? And it was a ton of pressure for him and he got his overwhelm messages.

And I was wondering too, like with the survivor experience. Because like you, my understanding is they record and then they go back, they do their work. They pick what they want to show you. And they don't show you what they're going to show the viewers until you see it with everybody else. So was like, how did that work with the sobriety thing? Like when you're casting, are you talking about? I'm sober and this is part of my story? Or is that not even a thing that comes? No, because it's like, I was like, let me be the sobriety guy. Thank you. I want to be open with it. I'm not saying I'm the first survivor player who was sober. There's other ones. And I remember hearing, you know, bits of their story, Vetus from it was a while ago. He sticks out the most read from Survivor who talked about being in jail and talked about just his history with addiction.

was like, whoa, because when we see that on TV, like, I think it's powerful. So I haven't listened to that episode with this guy, but I loved it. Please put all my struggles out there. That's the reason I talk about everything that I talk about, whether it, like any struggle in my life, I want to talk about being different, not fitting in relationships, hardships, hardships, anything. I am putting it out there because it helps somebody else because sometimes we need to hear it from so And so I try to like you, I hate the word of my platform. I try to use it to talk about things. Absolutely.

And if I'm going to be the person who like, I'm struggling, I'm talking about it. So for me, going out there, like, it's so much a part of my life. And it's why I am who I am today. So I can't like, my whole thing was I'm going to go out there and be myself. So I couldn't go out there and not share about that. But I also really wanted to because that's, that's the same. stuff, in my opinion, that helps people. We can look, go on TV and it's, wow. And you know how many people like, oh my gosh, reach out. And it's, I want to hear their stories. I want to be able

to encourage people. Like, duh, like, what are we here for otherwise? So for me, like, talk about sobriety. I, yes, absolutely. I want everyone to know, like, that you can change, that there's hope. You can recover. Your life can be better. Absolutely. But I, again, It doesn't mean get sober and then life is perfect and great and blah, blah, blah. We still struggle. And I want to share that too. I want to share everything, to be honest. But yeah, I wanted to.

It naturally just came out there because that's me. I love that. Yeah, so you went into it. Yeah, wanting to share that part. I guess if, you know, came up, then you're more than open to share that. A lot of people will say, like with Survivor, like with edits and stuff, they'll say, oh, I'm sick of hearing people. Sob stories are the force.

And I totally get that and it can feel like forced or infer me when it came up for me on the show. It was a natural moment at camp where I'm having a conversation with people on my tribe. You know what I'm saying? It was like an actual. So I'm glad that it was able to be shared in that moment of here. I'm just connecting with other people and telling them who I am. You know? I think, yeah, if I'm going to go on any, yes, if I'm going to go on Survivor,

let me talk about everything in my life and let me talk about my struggles and let me talk about times where I didn't fit in and that's what I did and I was known like for being that person yeah I'm a weirdo on that show a weirdo I had no filter I truly didn't I didn't give a shit I didn't care what I like what I looked like I didn't care about looking cute or looking or sounding normal I just I let it out and I just let it out and it's to me especially when I watch TV, like, that's relatable. It's, that's refreshing to just put yourself out there. That's not easy.

It's scary. It could be really scary, but it's so freeing to just not give a shit. Yeah. Did you have any experience doing this type of stuff before? Like, how do you get involved with it? You're just like, oh, I want to do casting for Survivor? No, someone had said while I was doing one of the games at my work, like, you got to apply for this show.

And I had stopped watching it. Like, I had watched it growing up. Of course, now I've seen every season. And I loved it, like, growing up. But for a while, I didn't even have a TV because I was one of those people who, like, I don't watch TV. Anyway. But I loved the show. I loved the human element of the show.

And so when I started watching again and I saw so much of, and if you haven't watched it recently or you might not know what I'm talking about. But there was so much of a game bot mentality. And I wasn't seeing like the connections anymore. I wasn't seeing like the backstory. Is there the real human moments? And that's what I loved about the show, was hearing people's stories, was rooting for people and seeing, like, their relationships and seeing how, oh, my gosh, they're going to have to, like,

vote against each other. They're going to turn on each. Oh, my gosh. And they have this deep bond. But I would watch and I'm like, I can't relate to anybody. I want to go on this show and I want to be my full self. I want to go on this show where most people or anything but themselves, which I get, respect, but I want to go out there. I want to see if I can win as myself and I'm going to share

it all. That was my like, and I'm like, I'm going to do it. And when I applied for the first time, I was like, I didn't think I would get a call. I didn't. I was like, what? And I got one right away. And of course, it's crazy. And I didn't get on like the first time. And it's hard, but still, yeah. Yeah. Wow. That's wild. So moving towards wrapping up, thanks for sharing all that with us too. And thanks for sharing everything with this. I mean, huge, huge congrats on everything and, you know, work in progress too. And any closing thoughts from you for the person who is out there maybe struggling or whether it's to get sober or to stay sober. But what would you say to them? First of all, you're not alone. You're not alone. And I think sometimes that we look at people,

especially on social media, and we know this. It's, we all struggle. We all even, getting sober. It's hard to get sober, but it's their struggles even in sobriety, but I promise you that it gets better. And it's like those struggles that you have and that I have when I'm sober, I feel like I am so grateful. I feel like, yes, I am doing this. And I'm so proud of myself. So it's don't give up. Don't give up. Don't compare yourself to other people who have it worse than you. Or I think one of the biggest things that can keep a stock is I'm not as bad as. I'm not as bad as this person. You'll get there. What do you waiting for? It will happen eventually. So that's one of the things I am grateful for is I figured this out when I was 22 because it just gets harder. It gets harder in the same. When I was working in the jails, I would see the same people. It would be every few months the same person coming in. And it breaks my heart. It's like, why do you keep doing the same thing? That's addiction. But it's like, what did you learn this time? Okay. It's not getting any better. It won't get any better. And you don't need to go to jail. You don't. need to have some overdose or horrible story happen to you. If you look in the mirror, you don't

like who you are or the person that you see. Like, so can't say that's all, let that be enough to change your life, you know? Yeah, I know 100%. And that's so true. And I'm seeing a lot of people, too, moving forward to that on that thought of getting out of this before it gets there. Because we're like, I always thought we had to have this big thing happen. And then I did have a ton of big things happened, but none of it motivated me. And that's the message I try to get out there to people too. Like big bottoms, rock bottoms quote unquote, don't necessarily motivate us to change. It's, it's those little quiet moments. Those moments where you wake up and you're like, you know what? Like I'm just not where I want to be in life. I don't feel good. Maybe I can do better

as a mother. Maybe I can do better as a father. Maybe I can do better as a partner. Maybe I can do better at my career. Like maybe this thing is holding me back from what I want in life. And I think realizing, too, that like we don't live forever. Let's do something with this life that we've got right here in front of us and make some of those changes. I think that's extremely empowering for people. And as well, it seems like it was for your life. Thank you so much for jumping on the show and sharing his time. Yes. Thank you. Thanks so much. Yeah. Well, there it is, everyone, another incredible episode there on the podcast. I'll drop Carolyn's contact information down to the show notes below. Be sure to send their message if you enjoyed the episode. And if you're looking to get plugged into a community

and get some support over the holidays, be sure to check out the sober motivation community. It's incredible. It is so incredible the support and the progress that so many people are making inside of the community. We'd love to have you. So check it out. And hopefully I'll see you in there in a meeting soon.