Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Amanda Thought Getting Sober Would Cost Her Everything. She Was Wrong

Episode Date: September 29, 2026

Amanda built much of her identity around partying. Drinking, drugs, festivals, relationships, and a large social circle weren’t just things she did—they had become part of who she believed she was.Even when a doctor warned her that continuing to use drugs could kill her, Amanda couldn’t imagine stopping. In her mind, getting sober meant losing her friends, her relationship, her social life, and everything she considered fun.As things progressed, Amanda began experiencing seizures. Then, after taking 30 days away from alcohol and drugs, she suffered another seizure while driving, crashed into a light pole, and ended up in the ICU. She says she experienced dozens more seizures in the hospital, spent days in a coma, and was told she had died for approximately five minutes.When Amanda woke up, she began questioning everything she had built her life around.In this episode, she talks about the reality behind her party lifestyle, losing her father, relationships, external validation, loneliness, walking away from her old life, and what it has actually taken to rebuild.Today, Amanda is over a year sober—and says getting sober was the first domino that changed everything.You don’t have to wait for your worst-case scenario to decide you want something different.Amanda on IG: https://www.instagram.com/adsteff/Sober Motivation Mobile App: https://apps.apple.com/app/sober-motivation-app/id6759266291Sober Motivation Website: https://www.sobermotivation.comSupport the Podcast: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivationContact me anytime: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A doctor telling me, stop doing drugs, you'll stop having seizures. Keep doing drugs, you're going to die. And I was just like, I can't. My whole entire being in existence, my identity is intertwined with partying. Today I'm joined by Amanda, whose life once revolved around partying, drinking, and drugs, even after doctors warned her that continuing could kill her. After a seizure, a car crash, a coma being told she had died for five minutes, Amanda was forced to look at everything she thought mattered in life.

And this is Amanda's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. I want to introduce you to the Sober Motivation app for the last 16 years of personal recovery and 15 years working to support others in many different ways. The key time and time again is a community of like-minded people to connect with. People who understand the hard days remind us why we started and celebrate the wins along the way. We host 60 plus peer support calls a month, 24-7 community, challenges, exclusive podcast, episodes and many more tools to meet you exactly where you are. Head over to sobermotivation.com or click the link below and I'll see you on the inside. Now let's get to Amanda's story.

Welcome back to another episode of the sober motivation podcast. Today we've got Amanda with us. Amanda, how are you? Good. How are you? Yeah, I'm good. I'm happy to connect with you and share your story with everybody. I'm really excited to be here.

First podcast ever. so take it easy on me. 100% we will. So what was it like for you growing up? Well, growing up, I had a very normal Midwestern childhood, loving family divorced when I was young, but that's, I feel like, majority of kids these days. And in the Midwest, there really isn't much to do. So I started drinking at a really early age.

You know, you leave your first day at high school and they basically hand you a you're in the parking lot. And it's like, yeah, welcome. Welcome to your teenage years and went to college in the Midwest. And that's really where my binge drinking really took off and really built a life and identity around that. Graduated, got a job. And it's a very typical story.

Yeah. It's interesting to you. It hinted on there, too, of like, a divorce that comes up in. so many of the episodes like how did that even kind of like how old were you? I was so young. I was five. By the time my dad remarried, I was maybe seven, eight. So it was just a part of my normal life.

Yeah. So isn't anything that maybe some people share when they were older. It was like, okay, this is a big decision I have to make. I think it's pretty fair to say at five. I mean, where you go live and how that all plays out is decided for us. Yeah, yeah. And it was a very amicable thing between my parents and shared custody. So it wasn't anything too outrageous or traumatic of an experience. Most of the trauma I feel like in my life was very self-imposed. Yeah. From my drinking. Yeah. So do you see a lot of drinking growing up? Because it's so interesting to me, you know, you start the high school thing. It's like, hey, here's a beer. And I, I, I think that people can go one of a few ways.

It's like, hey, here's a beer. Like, I'll just drink it, peer pressure. But it doesn't necessarily unravel my life. And then there's some of us who we had that for drink and we kind of get into it. And it's like, okay, this is quite problematic. What about that, like growing up? Did you see a lot of it or no? Yeah, I saw a lot of drinking.

My parents drank, they didn't really abuse it. But I think for me, the drinking became a part of my life. life because I started drinking when I started getting in with like the end crowd. And so I related to fitting in and making friends to drinking. You know, the first time I drank, I was puking in the backyard and people were laughing and it was funny. And even though like they were probably making fun of me, I and my brain was like, oh, I'm getting attention. Oh, people think like this is funny. Like, oh, we're talking about it at school the next week and people knew my name and who I was. is all of a sudden.

And that was how I started making more friends and got invited to more parties. You know, like that's sort of what I think made drinking so special to me was that it made me feel desired or noticed. Yeah, feel seen in the world like one of the big checkboxes for being a human. So with you sharing that story there, though, it leaves me wondering if you didn't feel that way kind of prior to drinking, like, did you feel like kind of earlier school years, like maybe that part of things were missing or wasn't there or was in different ways? Yeah, well, I moved around a lot. I went to maybe three different elementary schools,

two different junior highs. By the time I came to my high school that I stayed at, I didn't really have like that steady group of friends. I didn't have like a steady reputation. That's stayed with me throughout my, my entire youth. So just trying to fit in, make friends, see where I belong. Obviously, when you're that young, you want to be cool and you want to get in with the crowd. And I guess drinking was the way that I did that. Yeah. Moving around too, that's tough. You move around in the Midwest, it was like moving 15 minutes down the road. You were in a new district. But, yeah. Yes. But I was a way I could. always just kind of reinvent myself, I guess, every few years. And I really took that mentality

when I got to college. That was where my binge drinking really began. And I don't know if if you were around or if anyone remembers, I might trigger some memories here. There was this thing called Juicy Campus. It was like essentially like a real life like gossip girl where people would get profiled at like big schools. And I actually got profiled on it. And I actually got profiled on So I wasn't in a fraternity or sorority, but I was highlighted as this like new, pretty fun party girl on campus. And you could catch her at this bar on this night. And everyone, everyone knew who I was. And I just felt like a little celebrity.

But it was all due to like my partying and my drinking. And so even though drinking made me feel terrible, even though drinking, even though. though like it wasn't good for me, the rewards were tenfold. That was just where I found friendships. That was where I found belonging. In connection too, maybe. And then the identity piece, it sounds like there, if it hasn't already sort of become sold in your life of now,

it's this identity that I'm getting attention. I'm getting noticed, even if there is this disastrous, like consequential side to it. I can relate to that so well because when I was growing up to tail into high school college. But it's that need to fit in or that sense of belonging. It's so relatable and I can't even put words to sort of all of it. But I was willing to go down that road to get in trouble or to be a class clown,

even like in high school, just to sort of, you know, be able to land somewhere. Because prior to that in my life, I just felt like nobody noticed. I didn't do well in school personally. I was like a sports guy, but I was. was always right below the cut, like in middle school, I was like the only guy to get cut from soccer and was like, it was crushing. Yeah, but I mean, somebody, you know, that's funny now, but it's like when I look back when I was younger, it was like, I just couldn't really see past Friday.

And everything was like, just hit so hard. So when I found this sweet spot with drinking and partying, even though I knew better and it wasn't really helping me, I was like, I'm all in with this. It sounds like in one way or another for you too. So you get to like a influencer in a way of the bars and drinking. Yeah. Well, and I was the same. I did not do well with school.

I was constantly getting suspended detention. I would purposely get suspended just so I wouldn't have to go to school because I faked sick too many times that my parents stopped believing me. And honestly, in college, like, that was when I learned. I was like, oh, I don't have to go to class. I would just never go. And that was when I got diagnosed in college. So pretty late, I got diagnosed with ADHD. Yeah.

Unfortunately for me, though, I get prescribed at all. And that was where probably my drug abuse started. You know, instead of using it to go to class and to focus, I was using it to party longer. I was using it to go harder. I was using it to feel skinnier and more confident. and not eat. And that was, you know, that was where that whole part of my life probably took a turn as well.

And it started really ramping up. Yeah. And it's so interesting, too. I mean, I'm in the ADHD boat there with you. I mean, you just kind of told my story there and a quick thing. I'm just getting suspended. And I can see for myself, but I'm thinking, Amanda, come on. I mean, you must have been following the rules.

But you were like me, like just kind of rebellious, like just. Oh, yes. Yeah, defiant. Yeah. Yeah. I was not an easy child or an easy adult. But I feel like the part of ADHD that a lot of people, when people hear it, they think of like this hyperactive. I think it was coined up in the beginning as like these boys are hyperactive, so we have to help them out.

But I think what people don't talk about very much with it is the shame that's involved, very relatable to substance use, because I felt a lot of shame. And I didn't know this at the time. This is all hindsight and like probably even more recently in the last five years because I other people would do well, like say a school project or get up in front of the class. And I never did well. And I would get my test scores back. And it was so embarrassing.

Everybody's like, hey, how did you do? And everybody's showing. And they seemed okay with it. Even the people that didn't do well. But I was so embarrassed. And I think that I wondered to myself for the longest time. I'm like, why can't I just read the book like everybody else? Why can't I just apply myself like everybody else?

Why is it such a challenge for me to get up in front of the class or to do homework or to show up to the job on time? Like I had so many bosses that would tell me, well, you just don't care about like the job. And I was like, that's actually like I've never ever thought about not caring about the job. It's just like in my life, there's now or there's like not now. So it could be two minutes until I have to get to work. But if it's not 9 a.m., it's not now. So I'll deal with it in two minutes. But I felt a lot of shame about that, like a lot of like less than like, why can't I measure up?

Like why can't I make it work? And when I really blew up my life, I was on Adderall, riddling everything growing up. And I had missed a dose one day. I'd skipped it. I never really knew any different. I just followed my parents' direction. through high school, the doctor, whatever. But one day I missed a dose and I felt completely different because I'd taken this medication

forever. But the wheels came off. Like I was just so impulsive, got introduced to drinking. And drinking was my self-medication in a way after that. But it was like a new, whole new character came to life overnight. It was just like I went from a nobody in this big huge high school to somebody that everybody knew for all the wrong reasons. Well, and something else that, you know, people don't really hit on is how, like,

for a normal person, drinking can feel disorienting. Doing drugs can feel disorienting. For me, being in my own skin felt disorienting. And when I was drunk, when I was blacking out, I mean, I was blacking out five to seven nights a week. That was when I felt comfortable in my own skin. That was when I felt confidence to go talk to someone, to dance, to be seen. But if I wasn't drinking, like, that was where I was anxious. That was where I felt ugly. That was where I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. Yeah. Yeah, thanks for sharing that too, because, yeah, blacking out, walk us through that a little bit

with the blacking out and how that it sounds like if five to seven nights a week it's like kind of normalized maybe at that point maybe for the lack of better words but like how do you sort of reason with because it's extremely dangerous and all that stuff like why is that maybe not an indicator of maybe doing something different you know i mean when you're in college i don't know at least with my circle it was very normalized we had a bar we had a place that we went to like there was our monday night spot or tuesday night spot or wednesday night spot and um like we would pregame really hard and you know like have like a lot of people over and that was really cool it was like more like exclusive but then we'd go out and then we'd have the actors and it was just it was like if i woke up and i remembered the night I must not have had enough fun that's what that meant to me Like, oh, I didn't black out. How lame.

Like, what a boring night. Things didn't get crazy. Things didn't get out of hand. Oh, last night wasn't a movie. Yeah. So, like, that was just how I had, like, transitioned into adulthood even. Like, even in my 20s, I was working a career. I was selling.

I was winning awards. But I was still going out every weekend, blacking out, doing drugs. You know, we started doing even more hardcore party. drugs and then during the week I would always find an excuse I would go on a date and get get drunk I would go on a date just just to get or there was a happy that just went too far and I would still show up to the office this is pre-COVID I would show up to the office every day at a.m. ready to go and and somehow I was winning awards and I was I was top of my top of my team like I was excited me I don't I guess that's what you call a functional alcoholic at that point. So I was in denial. I didn't,

I didn't identify as having a problem. I didn't identify as an alcoholic. I didn't identify as a drug user, even though I did them every weekend. It just, it was just normal. Like, that's just what you do when you're in your 20s. That's just what you do if you're a fun adult. Yeah. The people we hang, the people we hang out with and surround ourselves with. It's kind of like, what is the quote? Show me the five people that you spend time with and I'll show you your future. Of like what they're going to accept. You know, I think our relationships we have around us, like they accept.

I mean, it's so relatable for me. I mean, I think towards the tail end of my partying, I only wanted to hang out with people that were partying because I was just like, anybody who said drink less or they, I was like, I don't really want to hear all that stuff. Like, I just want to drink as much as I want. I want to hang out with other people that aren't going to make it weird. I never had anyone intervene. I had never had anyone come to me and say, hey, I think you drink too much. Hey, I think you should cool it on the drugs. Besides, people that truly knew me were close enough to know the problems I was seen.

Because, you know, from all the drug and alcohol use, I did develop a seizure disorder. And I can't tell you how many times I would wake up, fade down on the bathroom floor. I would wake up with the serious bruises. I would wake up in the emergency room. But unless you truly knew me, I hit all that. I kept that a secret. I would still show up to work on Monday. And no one knew I had a problem.

Like, they thought I was just a social drinker. It was just, it was my armor. And I wore it very well. Yeah. Why hide it from everybody? You know, I don't even think I did hide it. I just think that I didn't appear as someone with a problem. Like I was going on vacations.

I had a big group of friends. I had a good job. So why would someone think that I needed help? Why would someone think that I was struggling in life? Like I wasn't a stereotypical addict. Like I wasn't, you know, on the streets or I don't know. Like I wasn't living in a nice apartment downtown. I don't know.

It just didn't. I just start with people. Yeah. I mean, it's relatable. I hear a ton of stories on the podcast. You know, I've met a lot of people over the years, too, that like life is going good for them in these areas,

you know, like in these other areas, right? They're showing up to work. They're not getting disciplinaries. They're not losing jobs. They're not losing their place to live. I mean, and it's confusing, I think,

in that space, right? For anybody listening that could be there, there will be somebody who listens that says, hey, you know what? Like, I'm drinking more than I want to. I'm drinking on nights when I say I'm not going to. Maybe I'm blacking out. But outside of that, like, nobody's ever mentioned it to me that there could be a problem.

So maybe there's not a problem. And I'm showing up to work and I'm doing what I need to do, which is interesting. I don't know if we just kind of lie to ourselves a little bit. Is it like I'm not being fully honest with myself about how much this is impacting or does it just kind of get worse as time goes? It's such an interesting part of this story. Yeah, I honestly, like I look back and even when I decided to get sober, I still didn't identify as someone that had a problem. It's only recent, only probably in the past few months. I'm a year sober, and it's probably only the past few months that in hindsight I'm like, wow, I had a really bad problem.

I had a very serious problem. How did I not, how have I not grappled with this? How have I not? Like I never, I never tried sober October. I never tried Dry July. Like, I never desired it. I never thought I needed it. And it was just who I was.

And I kind of thought that that's what everyone was. I thought everyone that was cool or normal or successful. That's what you did unless you were, I don't know, know, like super religious and didn't drink or you had a big family out in the suburbs. Like, I was just a city girl, you know? Yeah. I drank. I did drugs and I had fun.

That was just too much. That was it. I remember, I remember thinking to, I was like, when I buy my first place or whatever it is, you know, this apartment or wherever, I would always look on Google Maps. And I was how my dream would to be within. walking distance of a really a pub or a bar or somewhere that I could call home. You know, that was like my fishing back in the day of, I just want to be able to walk to a plan.

Now I think about it now. And I'm like, that's the last thing I'm ever interested in. So you mentioned too earlier, you developed, if I heard you right, you developed a seizure disorder from drinking in drugs. Yeah. Yes. You know, I got to a place where I, was going out every weekend and we were going to raise. We were, you handed me a pill. I'd swallow it.

You know, you'd hand me, you prep a line at 4 a.m. Let's go. Let's keep it going. That's, that became my lifestyle and it took its toll. It took its toll. So I, yeah, I ended up in the emergency room. I can't even more times than I can count. And it was as simple as like a doctor telling me like, stop doing drugs, you'll stop having seizures. Keep doing drugs. You're going to die. And to me, I, like, I was just like, I can't. Like my whole entire being in existence, my identity is intertwined with partying.

So I, I can't stop. I would lose my friends. I would lose like everything I post on social media. I would lose my, my boyfriend. I would lose just everything that I find fun. Like, I would lose it all. So the risk wasn't worth it to me. I just wanted to keep partying.

Like I was just like, no, I'll just party differently. I'll just drink more water. Oh, I'll just get a medication and anti-epileptic. And party with that. And we'll figure out a balance. We can keep it going, which is insane to me now. When was that? Like what year was that when you first found out?

Well, I ignored my seizures for a while. My boyfriend would also just kind of take care of me, went to take me to the hospital, will be fine. Yeah, yeah, because, you know, it's expensive. You don't want to call an ambulance. I didn't want to pay for another trip to the ER. Yeah. But I was, I was waking up on the bathroom floor by myself, probably I'm 37 now.

I was mid-20s, like 25, 26 when that started. Okay. And it just got to the point where it would happen in my sleep. Two, it would happen. I would be standing there partying. and I would just fall into the arms of the person standing in front of me, or I would just face plant. Wow.

And I would start putting my friends in these situations where they had to take care of me, and they were just as messed up as I was, and having to deal with police and go to the hospital, and I would kill the vibe, and it just got worse and worse and worse. honestly the only like the saving grace what really separated me and helped starting started to like get me on track was my my dad got sick he was diagnosed with cancer during covid and i decided to move back to kansas it was covid and everything's crazy and i was like that just makes sense move back in with my family like my dad is cancer i wanted to be with him

And so relocating and being with family kind of forced me to to make cleaner choices on a consistent basis. You know, I would get out and be wild whenever I had the opportunity, but they were just far less frequent. Yeah. So after college or you were living somewhere else then, where was that at? Where were you living in? Yeah. I was in Denver at the time. Yeah.

In Denver, okay. Yeah, so lots of nightlife and all that stuff there in Denver. Yeah. Yeah. So you had the seizure. I'm curious that. Would it only happen when you're like on a substance or would you have seizures when you weren't as well?

It started. It started only when I was getting screwed up when I was getting messed up when I was getting messed out on drugs and alcohol. Of course, over time, it was. became a little more sporadic and and less predictable. I did eventually take a break from drugs and tried to get my life back together and was able to go a year without a seizure and was like undiagnosed and taken off meds and you know, I was like, oh, fixed it cured. Time to party again. Let's celebrate. And started the cycle all over again.

Yeah. Wow. And the doctors were telling you like, hey, this, you got to quit drinking, quit doing drugs or else this just kind of gets worse, I guess, with as you go or. Yeah. Yeah. It was just more like when you have a seizure, your threshold lowers. So it's easier for you to have another. And then it's easier for you. And then it's even more easy to have another. And then, you know what I mean? So the longer you can go without one, the harder it was for me to have another one in my case. Okay. Wow. It's the first time I've heard some, I think anyway, I've heard that. I mean, I've heard seizures from people going through withdrawal, like from drinking and then not, but to sort of develop something like that and to have that experience. Yeah.

You know, it sounds scary. It was, it was. Interestingly enough, though, actually, my, my, like, decision to go sober was, I, I, I believe a seizure withdrawal. I had decided to take a 30-day break from everything, and it was on day 30. It was the middle of the afternoon, and I had a seizure and wound up in the, um, wound up like in the emergency room. I was in a coma for a couple days, um, in the ICU.

I had been in the car and went into a light post and it was a miracle that I even lived. But it was, I hadn't drank, I hadn't even drank alcohol for 30 days. Probably it was the first I'd ever done anything like that since my first sip of alcohol at 14. And it was terrifying. It was, I had about 50 more seizures in the hospital, they said. I died for like five minutes. It was a big, big wake-up call. So that was when I was like, okay, okay, I'm getting a second chance here.

I don't know if it's at that time, like, I was just like, God, the divine, like, creator, survival mode, whatever that's happening. Like, something that's granting me, like a guardian angel, like something is granting me a second chance. I'm being kept alive for a reason. And whatever that reason is, like, it needs me to get my shit together. I can't keep doing this. Yeah. And by the time I got out of the hospital a week later, it was just one of those things where I broke up with my abusive boyfriend. I left my corporate career that was making me miserable.

I basically cut off all of my friendships. and yeah, stopped. I haven't touched a substance since. It was a huge way to call. Wow, that is. Yeah, let's take a little bit into that. I am curious, too, throughout sort of this stretch, how do your relationships look with other people?

Like, how are those going? And I'm so, I'm kind of surprised to be honest with you that nobody kind of mentioned, you know, Like, hey, what, drinking, drinking a lot, this stuff. It's kind of surprising. Is there any reflection on that or just hiding it really well and making it seem like everything's good? Nobody picked up on it. You know, I could go to work and be fine.

I, it was more like I needed it to socialize and be out. But I was constantly needing to socialize every night. So I don't know, like, what came first, the chicken or the egg. Did I need a drink because I wanted to socialize or did I want to socialize? or did I want to socialize because I needed a drink. I don't even really know at that point. But my friend group, they're basically all in the same boat as me.

We were all partying together. Like, we were doing the same shit every week and together. Yeah. So, the blind leading the blind at that point. Sure. Yeah. And what about, like, relationships with people? How did that look?

Dating was, to be honest, my longer, I had a four-year relationship right in the height of it. And I, he was, he was my splier. He got, he was the one who got everyone. I wouldn't, I wouldn't call him a drug dealer. But, I mean, if you needed anything, that's what you called. So. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Catch. I, I didn't, I just had an endless supply at home waiting for me whenever I needed it. And I feel like I was like your go-to fun party girl, but the people I was dating,

I would have my lash outs. I would have, I would do too much, and they would see me at the end of the night, and I would take it out on them, and I would make porches and just be selfish. And I was always the demise of those relationships. But I would always seek a drinking buddy when I was dating.

I would always seek, like, someone that I could have fun with. So I didn't really care too much about, like, are we a romantic connection? I just like, are you fun? Can you hang? Yeah. Do you want to go to happy hour? Do you want to go to a rape? Perfect.

Let's start dating. It was, that was the union I needed. Yeah. And my relationship that led to my sobriety was the first relationship I had found. where the guy was abusive, a narcissist. And that was when I really, really started, like, being isolated from things that made me happy that brought me joy and felt the only way that I could survive was to keep drinking. Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks for sharing that. Yeah. I mean, I think the relationships, too, that we have throughout all of it. but like play a part in one way or another, right? Of like how how the story kind of unfolds, right? Everybody has sort of these different relationships. And I think even too on this side, I mean, correct me if I'm wrong here,

but maybe we start to value different things in relationships. Like once we get sober and kind of step back a little bit and I don't know, for me it's kind of shocking sometimes, you know? Like for me, it was like, what? What were they thinking to hang out with me for that long? And what was I thinking to hang out with some of those people for that long? long. But I think when we're in it, it's, I don't know if we really notice it as clearly. No. No. Not at all. I mean, I recently, so, you know, I'm only a year sober. I would not say

that like I am just like, I haven't, I've turned a corner, but like I'm not, I'm still like in this becoming phase. I'm still healing. And, and I just started dating again a year later. And you look at at the few people that I've been connecting with and then building relationships with. And you compare them to everyone else before. And it is night and day. It is almost night and day as like me. Yeah. Yeah.

Is it for like sober people or how do you do that? I'm curious to that too. Do you tell people you're sober? Like you're not drinking or? Yeah. I'm very new. neutral around alcohol. I love going out.

I'm still very just, I love, I still love like music. I can go to bars. I can stay out of the club, rarely. But I can go to the club and stay out until midnight. It's, and it doesn't faze me. I don't feel tempted. I don't struggle with saying, no, we're getting a Diet Coke. Half the time, no one knows what's in your cup anyways.

I just have such a rambunctious personality. and it's really honestly blossomed even more now that I'm sober. So, but, you know, I don't mind being, I don't mind being around people that drink and dating people that drink. But there's a difference between someone who can have a couple beers at dinner and we can have a good connection versus someone who's pounding them back, getting sloppy.

And it's just like they're not. not even themselves anymore. So this I, where I used to go and get wasted with someone on a first date and every day, like that was my dating style. I've obviously these people that I connect with, they have a much healthier relationship with, with alcohol. So.

Yeah. Good, good. Yeah. Because I know a lot of people wonder like where, maybe how that's going to play out, right? And I don't think there's like an exact process or it's blueprint for every individual person. They might be there looking for sober people, it might be there.

But I think like what you're mentioning there is like things to look out for, right? You've been down the road so you know like kind of how it is. You probably don't want to jump into something where somebody could have the problematic element that might take time to find out. But yeah, I mean, exploring it and checking it out. And it's the only way to find out, right? It's the only way to make it happen. So you share your 30 days from drinking.

and then you have this crash, which I'm just kind of picturing in my mind here the best I can. You have this seizure, hit a lamp post, and you're already kind of committing to this 30 days of sobriety, not drinking. And this is sort of the wake-up call. It's really interesting, too, because I tracked this back to my buddy Will. My buddy Will came on the podcast.

We did a two-part series of his liver transplant and stuff. And he was sharing this thing that really stood out to me is like, he knew where he was headed and he wasn't really willing at a certain point to fight for his life. You know, it kind of brings me back to your story. Relatable but not relatable when the doctors are like, you're going to die if you don't quit drinking. And then you realize that. But it's like, all right, of course, I've got time. I've got time.

I've got time. I'll change it maybe another day. But he said something really interesting happens when a human is faced with like death. Like, that's the reality. It woke something up inside him. And I'm kind of picking that up from you. It woke something up in you that you were able to see more clearly have awareness or kind of be willing to do something different. Yeah.

I look back and I didn't see like a big bright light. Like I don't remember like someone being in the room with me telling me, you know, it wasn't anything outrageous like that. It was just I. I never wanted to stop because even though I was miserable, I didn't realize I was miserable. I thought I was happy. And if I was unhappy, that just means I needed another boozy vacation. I needed another music festival. And that would perk me up.

So the partying wasn't the problem. It was the not party. And that was the problem. I just needed to party more and have more fun. And I think that accident, that was where I was like, oh, wait, no, I have it backwards. I want to be happy. And actually, my life is miserable.

I woke up in that hospital. And my boyfriend at the time, I didn't have any family where I live. And I woke up essentially alone. My boyfriend had decided to go on a golf trip with his buddies and left me in the ICU alone. So there was that. Knowing that I was, I could have died working a job. that I dreaded every day made me realize I can't keep working this job for another 30 years. So I have to let the career go.

And I just, I have spent my whole life having large groups of friends. You know, we would take multiple party buses because there were so many of us to events. And out of everyone I've known, the whole week I was in the ICU, only one person came to that hospital to check on me. And it just made me realize, like, everything that I put value on doesn't value me back. And it was heartbreaking. I felt so abandoned. I felt so alone and lost. And I was disgusted.

I was disgusted in every choice I had made in my life that let me hear. That I prioritized these people, these jobs, these accolades for nothing. I have nothing to show for. I am on my deathbed with a tube shoved down my throat. And nothing to show. And that was when I realized if I get at when I, if when I get out of this hospital, like, I'm blank slating, restarting. I need new friends. I need new habits.

I need new boyfriend. I need new career because there's no purpose to my living right now. Yeah. where do you feel like you thank you for sharing that too i mean it really paints a picture for i think for me anyway why the big change on the other side like i think what you realize in those moments and i think it it's different events for all of us but i do i do feel like i hear that a lot like there's a moment in time or moments in time that we realize hopefully sooner rather than later that maybe everything we thought was important in life maybe wasn't like

the things that we valued. I think back to my life valuing friendships over family and spending more time there than with my folks and making decisions that I look back now. I'm a little bit older now and I don't have it all figured out. I'm with you. I mean, I'm on the healing and the growing and the track of all of that and have very, very little figured out. I learned that, especially when I started having kids.

But I think that that's like it. It's like we, with alcohol, maybe it sells us this idea or convinces us of this idea that we're maybe bigger than our, what is the expression? Bigger than our britches, you know? Like maybe I was a big deal and maybe I thought I was a bigger deal than I really was and then something happened. And then you, I realized that I really wasn't a big deal as big of a deal. And those things weren't as important as to other stuff.

But you only realize that when you go through shit. Like it's, it's the, it's the lights. turn on when you're in those moments. So I really appreciate you sharing that too. Going back, though, how was like your mental health kind of even like before this? Like you mentioned there kind of like for the first time that even though on the outside of you're partying and you're going to all the festivals and the raves and drinking and all that things really weren't that good internally.

Yeah. I mean, I, if you were to ask me if I hated my stuff. I would have said, like, no, no, I like myself, but I hated myself. I would cry to myself to sleep over my appearance. I just wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't skinny enough. I'm not funny enough. I'm not good enough.

Why am I single still? Why can't I find a good relationship? Like, why, like, I would go out, even if I was in a relationship, I would go out and constantly be looking over my shoulder to see if, you know, someone is checking me out, constantly just needing external validation. And if I wasn't getting it, this night sucks, I don't want to be here. Let's go somewhere else. I'm going to go home.

This is dumb because it just, it wasn't like satisfying my, my need to be externally validated, I guess. Yeah. And the thing is that I was constantly filling that gap with noise. So I was on the dating apps, going on dates all the time. I was making new friends and finding someone new to go out to happy hour with, wrap dinner, girls night with, oh, there's another concert. Oh, there's something out of town. Let's go on a trip. Like, I was just constantly filling my boys with noise that I never sat long enough to really,

really analyzed how unhappy I was. So I couldn't even, I didn't even know. Honestly, I had convinced myself that I wasn't miserable. Yeah. Weird question, maybe, sort of off track of the story. But do you think of somebody who knew you in that stage of your life heard this episode, it would surprise them? Yes. Yes. I've had many people reach out to me since I've become openly sober and shock. say like oh my gosh like i've always looked at you as like i wish i had your life you look like you're always having so much fun i have no idea you were struggling just so many i've had so many people honestly respond very very shocked yeah yeah maybe going back and there might not be an exact time frame to pinpoint for this exactly but i always am curious

where things may be shifted for us, right? So what I'm picking up on is this sense of belonging, very common thing, validation, feel like you're fitting in, maybe struggling with confidence, maybe self-esteem. Like, is there a pinpoint of a time in your life where it was like, hey, I had a good childhood and then boom, the train kind of took a different turn or not really? You know, I was so hyper-focused on being popular, being pretty, being desirable at a young age.

I grew up in the early 2000s, so that was when like... Britney Spears. She was supposed to be a girl during those years. And I consumed it all so deeply. I felt that all so deeply. And I wanted to belong so bad. And like I mentioned, when I started belonging was when I started drinking. And I think it just snowballed and snowballed and snowballed into a giant avalanche.

You know, I was 14, 15 when I started drinking. It's 20 years later. It's just had a lot of time to do its damage on me. I was very, very loved by my parents. I mentioned during COVID that my father got sick and he passed away, unfortunately, from his diagnosis from cancer in 2022. And that was a really big shift. That was when I started noticing people weren't really showing up for me the way I thought

they would. That was when I realized that I was avoiding my feelings because I had a really, really hard time connecting with him. I had a really hard time being in the same room as my dad because I couldn't, I couldn't grasp the reality that like, I couldn't see my dad, the guy, the big strong dad who took care of everything and solved on my problems. I couldn't see him deteriorating in front of me. I refused to believe it. And I was convinced, I convinced myself that he was going to get better. So while I did move back, I was just emotionally shut off at his funeral. I remember trying not to cry.

I didn't want to be seen crying. Like, I was ashamed to cry at my own father's funeral. And so once that got all squared away, I packed up and left and I moved to Arizona basically overnight and start over. And unfortunately, I'm learning the hard way. You can't run from your problems. They will come with you. So I went to start this new life.

But all the same habits, if not amplified, magnified, because I had now this whole new plate of grief that I was trying to bury. And I think it just made everything worse and worse and worse until I got the big slap in the face a year ago. Yeah. Wow. Sorry to hear about your dad. Thank you. And did you, I am curious, I mean, wherever you go there you are.

I shared on the podcast all the time. It's something that I heard years ago that just rang true. Wherever you go, there you are. My earliest mentor said you might move somewhere and your luggage get lost on the way, but your luggage will eventually show up. And it rings true so many times. Did you go out to Arizona kind of telling yourself you were going to change things up or no? It was just you didn't have that in mind.

No, I just, I know. mean, my plan was never to permanently move back to Kansas in the first place. I didn't want to go back to Denver. I thought that, like, oh, like, I'm a lot more mature. I party. I don't do as many drugs. Like, I'm getting my shit together. So I'm going to go somewhere with palm trees and warm and sunshine and just, I don't know.

Like, I wasn't like, oh, once I get to Arizona, I'm going to drink even less. Oh, I'm going to keep healing. Like, I just, I don't know. I just wanted to get out. Just want to go somewhere new and start over. And I think like I moved around schools so many times as a kid. It was just natural. It's just natural for me to just pick up and change my environment and my surroundings and my community.

It's not scary to me. It's exciting to me. It's a distraction. That's a good one there. The distraction, yeah, which I feel like we get so good at. without even really maybe realizing it at times. A lot of people I hear that are new into sobriety, they're like, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored.

Like sitting with themselves is very, very difficult because they are used to fidgeting here, working extra hours there doing this year so that sort of quiet time can be very challenging. Let's hop to the other side of this. So you get out of the hospital. I mean, walk me through your first steps of like changing all these areas of your life.

honestly, it was, it wasn't like I walked out and like, like, handed my phone, call my boyfriend, dump, call my job, quit, call, text on my friend, group chat, leave. Like, it was over the span of like a month or two that I got the courage to leave the relationship. I got the courage to quit the job. I got the courage to just slowly start distancing myself one by one, friend by friend. And I, and I just I was still recovering. You know, I was so, so blessed to be able to walk away from that accident. No broken bones, essentially. But the 50 seizures and the accident trauma itself, like I was on crutches.

I couldn't really walk for a couple months. I couldn't really speak, which, as you could see, someone chatty like me, that was really tough. It was hard to form sentences for a while. So I just laid there. I just laid there alone. I didn't want my phone. I didn't want the TV.

I just wanted to feel everything. It was almost like like the pain was like a drug. Like I was just like, oh, like this like watching like a really sad movie. Like let's have it. Like just lay it on thick. Let's do it. Let's, let's freaking go.

And I just laid there, heartbroken, lost, dark. I just knew that like the only way out is it's through. So might as well go through it when I'm stuck in bed anyways. And I just, I white knuckled it. I went through that like dark night of the soul, isolated, alone, cried a lot, said a lot of goodbyes, had a lot of arguments with myself in my mind. and eventually you get a day that you kind of want to leave your apartment and just go grab a latte. And that's just one step closer to being better.

But then you spend another week in bed. And then you decide to go get brunch with an old friend. And then you spend another two weeks of bed. And it's just a slow, slow process. of being lost in a dark room, not knowing where there's a wall, where there's a door, if there's a door, or if you're just going to fall down a cliff. You just have to walk, keep walking, hoping that you'll end up on the other side somehow, somewhere, some way.

And I did. Yeah. Yeah. You sure as heck did. I think there's that blind faith and there's a lot of other words to kind of fill in there too. Like we have to get honest with the way we were traveling will, I would feel comfortable saying 99.9% of the time will always end up with the same result. So it's kind of like I don't know what change looks like, sobriety looks like, but I just know that I don't want to continue to live how I was. So it's like we have to hang in there without maybe knowing everything.

you mentioned earlier too, like with quitting drinking, you would lose this, right? Your friends and your routines and all these things that felt like maybe anchors in life. Like they're really valuable. And then you list off there about a little bit of time, the relationship, I have to step away from this. And then with friends and then with my job and with all these things that you realize maybe at that point just aren't helping you out. But I am curious, what do you gain on the other side?

Because it's like, oh, my goodness. Am I just losing here? Or what's the gain? You know, from walking away from those things that aren't maybe serving you, for lack of better words, what do you gain? Honestly, at first, I felt like I wasn't gaining anything. I felt like I wasn't gaining peace, like they say. My skin didn't just, like, clear up overnight.

I didn't lose 10 pounds right away. Okay, yeah. You know, like, you know how they glamorize. Who's day? Who's day? Like on Instagram or something? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. You're not going to be on a beach like every day from here on out, you know? Okay. It's not my life either. I'm with you. It's not like that. But it's those like micro decisions that compound over time. And you don't even realize they're,

you don't realize they're compounding until one day you're having a good day. And you look back and you're like, holy shit. Actually, I haven't cried in like three months. I haven't had anyone bother me in a really long time. Like, oh my God, my cheeks hurt. I've been smiling so much. What is happening? Like, that's not normal.

I didn't even realize that. And all of a sudden, you make a friend, but it's not like you make a friend. You're like, oh, finally, I have sober friend. Like, I have my sober identity has friends. It's like you make a friend and it's a slow burn. And then over a few months, you look back and you're like, wow, this is one of the strongest bonds I formed with another person my entire life. And then slowly small opportunities start appearing.

I got really into neuroscience and spirituality while I was healing. I joined this program with this woman named Emily McDonald, and it completely transformed the way I view life and the way your brain works and the way my soul exists on this plane of existence and, consciousness. And then her program led me to reading this book. And it led me to having deeper conversations from what I've learned with other people. And now I'm forging deeper bonds. And now I'm posting on social media. And now people are reaching out for me to help them. And now people are wanting me to take jobs in the sobriety space where I'm hosting events and connecting other

people that are sober curious. And now all of a sudden my life has meaning, it has purpose. It has real relationships. I have intelligence. I love waking. I go to bed. I sleep better. I wake up early. I'm healthier than I've ever been.

My hair is shiny. What happened? Yeah. What happened? I don't know. I just look back and it's just like getting sober was that first domino. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that too.

I think that's the fear for a lot of people, though. Like if they're stuff, like, what is it going to, what is this going to look like? And for everybody, it's going to, it's probably going to be a little bit different, right, about what it is. But it's like that fear of the relationships, am I ever going to find new ones? It's like, yeah, I say, I think I said it last episode and I'm just going to say it again because everything's so true. In my life, anyway, four quarters is better than 100 pennies. I feel like a lot of us who live in the 100 pennies life because it's a distraction. We have 100 friends and 100 places.

Maybe there's a level of importance or it's like, yeah, I mean, I'm cool, man. I got somebody for everything. But I think the true value is in actually having the authentic relationships what I pick up on that you're sharing. I'd rather have one of those all day than 100 people that don't show up when I'm in a pinch or 100 people who don't show up for your situation like what you went through. One person showed up and 99 other people didn't show up. But the people you have in your life today, I'm only guessing. them all. But if you needed support, I bet they would be there for you. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

And to anyone listening to this recording to this podcast, like there is no like comforting answer when you're in that abyss, when you're in that in between. It's uncomfortable. It sucks. It's terrifying. And no, like, I think, the end of the day, you can't guarantee, I can't guarantee anyone a certain outcome. But to me, it's just, it's science that when you start becoming a better person, it's the law of attraction. You start having better connections. You start having deeper conversations. You invest in different hobbies. And so things don't happen overnight, but I believe that when you start taking care of yourself, everything else that's better is inevitable and will come

and does. Yeah. And it all starts small. Like everything, you know, so many people are, I only got one day, man. And I'm like, dude, that's, I mean, that might be the best news I heard all year. Like, it all starts there. But I think it can be overwhelming for us to, to wonder how we're going to have the answers to everything in the first little bit.

It's like you got to get anywhere different, you just have to start somewhere. And whether that's three days not drinking and then you drink for a day and then you get 30 days and you drink for a day or maybe you say this is it. You've already done all of that back and forth stuff. Just start somewhere because I think as humans in general, but really people who struggle with this, I think we're just really hard on ourselves. We're really hard on ourselves to achieve perfection to get it right. I'm afraid to tell people because what if it doesn't work out?

All of these things kind of go through our mind, right, about how am I going to figure this out? What am I going to do for that wedding that's 60 days? Well, the truth is, you're going to be a different person 60 days. It just depends on which direction we go. So we don't, I don't know that I really need to worry about the wedding 60 days from now or whatever the event is. I love that. And I mean, from what you're sharing with me and how you're carrying yourself, like, I don't know if it feels this way to you. I mean, we've just met.

But it feels like if I would have told you a year ago or a little over a year ago, hey, this is how your life is going to feel and look in a year and you might not have achieved all your goals. Like, would you have believed me? No. Would it be wild, wouldn't it? No. No. And honestly, I feel like. Like in my mind, when I was, when I started my healing journey, I was journaling a lot.

I was trying to manifest. I was meditating. And when I started, I was like, okay, my goalposts are going to be like when I have a good relationship. When I have a good, when I meet my soulmate, like physical goalpost that I could tie my, my success to. And I haven't achieved any of those. all of my achievements have been in here and they are a thousand times bigger than any sort of paycheck or relationship that's external because being able to like look in the mirror and just like smile at myself and wake up and like dance in my kitchen making eggs just

because I'm giddy to like, I don't know, like, just because I'm giddy to just be giddy. Like, like that, that sort of positivity, you can't bottle up and sell at Nordstrom. You can't put that on TikTok shop. What I have achieved over the past year is, is, you can't put a price tag on it. Yeah. Well, that's it. I think if we reflect back to your story. story was all about the external. And I think that's, rings true for a lot of us, as that's sort of

the show. You know, maybe the character we bring to the, to the movie or to the set. But this is an inside job to work on this stuff, to heal. And I think really become a person that alcohol, for me anyway, I didn't understand this when I first started, but I think just building a life where alcohol just doesn't really have a role. It just doesn't really have a role in the show anymore. It just really wouldn't make a whole heck of a lot of sense. And I'm not saying that. I'm naive to the fact that I'm immune to ever drinking again. I mean, Jesus, round every corner.

I see it in one way or another every single day. But I feel like there's a long distance between myself in that. Because it really just doesn't make sense. As opposed to when I was drinking every day, it didn't make sense not to drink. It never crossed my mind for the longest time of not drinking. What's been some of your biggest takeaways if we haven't covered them yet? from life kind of before drinking and life during drinking and the work that you've done in the last year plus, biggest takeaways. Something that I heard somewhere.

I have like two things that like I live my life by. One is trust and surrender, which essentially it means to me, stop trying to control your outcomes. stop thinking that you know what's best for you because you don't know shit just trust that you if you do you show up and do what's best for you and the step ahead of you today it's going to lead you to where you're supposed to be and it's probably better than what you're imagining and the other other thing that i hold dear to me is is and this is and i mean this i'm i i don't mean to like project any sort of spiritual religious agenda here. So God, divine creator, whatever you honor believe in.

I say there's a saying that God will steer the ship, but you got to row the boat. Do the work. But don't focus on what island you're going to land on. Yeah. Wow. Those are good. Those are good. Yeah. We could go on and on and on about that, about the thoughts of that. And yeah, our tendency to want to control outcomes when at the end of the day, I think if you really just simplify it, I mean, what can we control at the end of the day? I mean, my reaction to what happens in the world, I've got to that, but what happens in the world and everything else, like the weather and how things play out and how other people, perceptions like no that's that could be exhausting what do you mention to somebody Amanda let's say that they got three days talking to to somebody with three days they had three days and they're wondering man is this forever because right now it really sucks what do you say I say embrace the sock I say if if you gave up a year would you exchange a year of your

life if someone was going to give you the next 50 years of your wildest dreams would you struggle for one year for 50 years of greatness? Easy, easy, easy answer. Hell yeah, I'll take a year off the books for the rest of my life being badass. Sometimes you've got a white knuckle, the tough shit to get to the really good part. Yeah, you just got to hang in there. I echo that. There's not always an easy answer or a solution or something that's just going to get us to the next level for maybe three to four.

Yeah, sometimes maybe it is just, you just have to find a way to hang in there for the day. So, like, every day is not going to be bad, right? Like some days I have, I think, oh, my God, like, it's just ever going to end? It might even be a week where I'm just dread. I'm like, oh my gosh, am I ever going to get a win? If things ever going to turn around. But the truth is, like, it always does. It always does.

And it's like, can you see it through until it does. It does. And the opposite can also be true. Like, I am the happiest person, happier than I thought, like, I could ever physically, possibly emotionally be. I still have really shitty days. I still cry. You know, I still, I still.

hug a pillow at night sometimes. Like we, bad days still happen, but I don't know how to explain it, but the bad days become easy. They still, they're still tough, but they're easier. And honestly, a good bad day is better than a bad good day, if that makes any sense. Yeah. Oh, that makes it, that's deep. But yeah, that makes a ton of sense.

I think to the shift of just changing the perception on what it is, because I say this a lot with the people I meet with, if you didn't have good and bad days, it's just, I guess for context, everybody will understand what we're saying. There's probably a spectrum of good days and a spectrum of bad days. But without both, how do you know the difference? You know, I mean, if every day was good, it's like every day is good.

Okay, where's the excitement? then I want to be good. Yeah, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it just is. Yeah, like I just don't like, I don't obviously wish bad days

upon anybody, myself included. But I do think that it helps us notice the difference. I think that that's, that's kind of what I believe and tell myself when I'm going through the times where I'm like,

gosh, I don't know if I'm going to make it out of this one. I'm like, dude, you have to embrace these moments because without these moments where you can, even in sobriety, believe it or not, feel so low and feel like it things are just, there's a lot of unknown. Like without those moments, the mountaintops just won't feel maybe as good like you've made it through. Interesting. Well, and something that I would, I don't know why I haven't mentioned before, but it's perspective.

My perspective, I've almost become, I, I've shift, I've rewired my brain. to look at like bad things happening to me as a good thing because you know the worst things that happened to you in your life when you look back most people look back at the worst thing that happened to them as as the best thing that happened to them like that was the reason it that led them on this amazing path for change or led them to something wonderful. It's just the law of attraction. Like, bad things happen to catapult you to greatness. So when bad things happen to me, when I have misfortune, I don't look at it like, oh, darn it.

I'm like, ooh, that means something good is on the horizon. Yeah. What is this catapulting you towards? and that's having that perspective shift because bad things are going to happen. But living in optimism, it shapes your day today and your reality and the way you see the world. And it's an anchor that I like to live by. Incredible.

Incredible, Amanda, thank you so much for sharing with us today. Anything we missed, though, before we close things out that you want to share? It's just been really, really, really an honor to be invited on this show and share my story. And I want to thank you. Telling my story, Healing Out Loud, has not just helped me heal and grow faster and more and understand myself more. The more conversations I have, the more I'm like, oh, I didn't realize this about me. It also allows other people to normalize, you know, I may not identify. as a stereotypical addict, but maybe I do have a problem.

Maybe I do need to explore sobriety. You know, everyone's, I, I grappled with my rock bottom wasn't rock bottomy enough to change. And it held me back. And I'm sure there are tons of people that think similarly. Yeah. And I want to normalize that, that you don't have to wait for a worst case scenario. to make your life better. Yeah.

And that's so important. I've had conversations with people before. They didn't feel like they qualified. Even, like, say they were sober. They were sober, but they didn't feel like they qualified because it wasn't bad enough or it wasn't like the movies. And it wasn't. The interesting part about that is too.

And it will wrap up here too. Thank you so much for hanging out. But a lot of people don't change after the rock bottom. You know, it's like, hey, this is a rock bottom scenario or situation. It's not like people are like, yeah, that's it, you know? Next day, it's like, all right, here we go. I'm sober now because it requires work, tools, effort, community, support, a new perspective, asking for help. It requires all of this other stuff that quite simply on its own.

A rock bottom doesn't just instill within us. Like you don't just have the rock bottom and the next, you're zapped by lightning. And it's like, oh, now I see and I have all the tools and everything makes sense. It's like, no, no, no. The rock bottom happens. Ideally, we become willing to get out of our own way, ask for some help, have a look within, but not as clean cut as maybe to Hollywood movies. Thank you again. Amanda.

It has been incredible connecting with you today. Thank you so much, Brad. It's been wonderful.