Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Amy felt so much shame about how big alcohol had become in her life and felt no one would understand.

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

Within a year of her first drink, Amy's relationship with alcohol took a turn for the worse. Isolation and secrecy became her companions as she found herself hiding her alcohol consumption from those around her. What once seemed like a harmless social lubricant had now entwined itself into the fabric of her life. It wasn't until Amy reached her breaking point that she made the courageous decision to embrace sobriety. It has been seven years since that pivotal moment, and she has since reclaimed her life from the clutches of addiction. Interestingly, when Amy first quit drinking, she didn't fully grasp the magnitude of the risks associated with alcohol consumption.  --------------- Follow Amy on Instagram Follow (Brad) Sober Motivation on Instagram Check out the SoberBuddy App here More info about SoberLink  Donate to support the Show

Welcome back to season two of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. Within a year of her first drink, Amy's relationship with alcohol took a turn for the worst. Isolation and secrecy became her companions as she found herself hiding her alcohol consumption from those around her. what once seemed like a harmless social lubricant had now intertwined itself into the fabric of her life. It wasn't until Amy reached her breaking point that she made the courageous decision to embrace sobriety.

It has been seven years since that pivotal moment, and she has since reclaimed her life from the clutches of addiction. Interestingly, when Amy first quit drinking, she didn't fully grasp the magnitude of the risks associated with alcohol consumption. And this is Amy's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. The Sober Buddy app. This community is one of the most supportive I've ever seen. Starting with the meeting hosts who lead with support, kindness, and understanding, when someone falls, the community rallies to help support and encourage.

People from all different countries who show up as strangers leave as friends. It is a true example of community and connection. What makes sober buddies special is everyone is working on the same mission to get another day sober so we can live our best lives and to provide a safe place so no one feels they have to do it alone. Check out the app today or head over to your soberbuddy.com and come and join us for some of our live support groups. It's hard to find the motivation to get sober when you're in the trenches of addiction.

It's easy to say I'll stop tomorrow or I'll cut back tonight. What's harder is putting action behind those words. That's why I've teamed up with Soberlink. Soberlink's remote alcohol monitoring system was specifically designed to help in your recovery, not just some breathalyzer you buy at the store. Small enough to fit in your pocket and discreet enough to use in public, sober link devices combined facial recognition, tamper detection, and real-time results so friends and family know instantly that you're sober and working towards your recovery goals.

visit soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device. Hey, hey, how's it going, everyone? Brad here. I hope you are well. And as always, thank you so much for the support on the show with the podcast and also the guests who share their stories. I love when you guys send them a message and let them know you appreciate it.

Because through vulnerability and authentic connections, we can truly make a difference and help other people. Now let's get to the show. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got Amy with us. Amy, how are you? I am great. I'm happy to be here.

How are you? Yeah, and well. I mean, it's hotter than summer out right now. It seems. It's always a plus. Yeah, totally. I've got my fan going. I hope you can't hear it.

But yeah, it's so hot here. Beautiful. So why don't you take us back a little bit and tell us what it was like for you growing up? So I grew up in, we were talking about where we are now. We're both in Ontario. by chance. So I actually grew up in London, Ontario, in a pretty regular family. My parents were together until I was about 16. I have a sister. And I think what was different about my family experience was that my dad struggled with addiction and there were mental health issues within

the household. But none of it was really talked about openly or addressed. And so I think the result of that was that it was just very normal to see my dad drinking heavily and often. And so it was just kind of always around and just kind of part of what it was like growing up. And so when my parents did end up separating into my teens, we didn't really talk about that either. It was this like really chaotic experience for everybody, but there wasn't really space to talk about what was going on. and none of us, frankly, had really great coping skills. And so for me, I started to drink in response to that. I think at that time, a lot of people like my peers and my friends were drinking and they were doing it in an experimental and social way. And I think it started that way for me. But I instantly found relief in it. I found relief from the stress and the chaos of what was happening at home. And I really needed that. it was this really traumatic situation that I couldn't really escape from. And so alcohol became my escape in a lot of ways. Yeah, thanks for sharing that. Yeah, it's definitely a tough time to go

through a tough thing and then you find alcohol like maybe the solution. Yeah, it absolutely was. And, you know, I continued drinking and I was drinking more and more frequently. And even within, I would say a year or so of starting to drink. I was drinking alone in my bedroom. I was hiding alcohol, which isn't abnormal. I don't think for teens. But looking back on it, it kind of feels like that maybe would have been something to like keep a closer eye on. But yeah, and you know, with it being so addictive, it then became something that I was seeking, not just for the relief that was I was getting from it. But just from my day to day, and it just kind of became baked into what I did and how I coped in my life and in my world.

Did you have any awareness going into this, like any education or talks about how dangerous alcohol could be for us? No. And I'm pretty educated. Like I'm a pretty educated person. And even in the later part of my drinking days, so this August it will be seven years of sobriety for me. I didn't quit drinking until I was in my 30s. And even at that point, I really didn't have much of a sense of the harms and risks inherent in drinking. And I think a lot of that, one, I didn't really want to know. I wasn't interested in poking around in that part of alcohol. And two, I think that's just a byproduct of how we talk about alcohol in our world, like what I would call normative alcohol culture, right? We consider it normal to drink when we are celebrating or when we're sad, it's kind of baked into everything that we do. And the messaging is

that it's fun. And we should want to do it. And it's a rite of passage when we turn 19, where we live to drink. And so I think the messaging really tries to stay away from the harmful stuff. And unless you want to go looking for it, it's not as readily available as the other messaging. I think that's changed a lot over the last, like since I got sober, definitely. I think it's changed a lot. But yeah, I didn't have a sense of it. I don't even think fully grasp that my dad was struggling with addiction. It just felt so normal for somebody to drink. Yeah, no, and so true. I think there is progress being made, but you definitely don't be Super Bowl commercials about, hey, these are the dangers of alcohol. It's everything about the party and everybody having a good time. It's a very point there. So your high school, all of this stuff starts, your parents separate. Do you live with you? with each one a little bit or how does that look? That's a good question.

So my parents separated also in August of 1999. And then my dad didn't end up leaving the house until December. So those like months were really brutal. So I actually stayed with friends just to like get out of the house because it was a lot. And then I actually ended up staying with my mom. I never lived with my dad separately. he and I had a really challenging relationship. And then I ended up getting kicked out when I was 18. So from that point on, I've been on my own. My relationship with both of my parents was pretty challenging at that time. I really kind of went at it alone. Thank goodness I had a really supportive aunt and a really supportive uncle and a really supportive grandmother. So I did have other family members that I could lean on. But in terms of family of origin, it was complicated. Yeah, you got kicked out at 18. What do you do then? Well, I started working because things

just became complicated when my dad left. And so I got a job. So I pretty much been working part time to full time alongside going to school full time since I was 16. I just started working more. And I just went out and found an apartment and thank goodness I was able to find someplace that was open to renting to an 18 year old. The woman that I ended up renting, it was actually a sweet little apartment with like angled, slanted roof, super cute. But she had been kicked out when she was younger. And so I think she was even younger than I was. So she was very empathetic to my situation. And so I hustled and I figured it out because I didn't really feel like I had another option. Yeah. What were you doing? What were those first few jobs for you? I worked in restaurants. I worked in a restaurant. And it was like a breakfast brunch place. So I could work weekends and work more around my school schedule. And I also did a lot of babysitting for like neighborhood kids.

Okay. Cool. Which I did not like. I'll just. Didn't like that part. Not for me. And here I am as a grown-ass woman with no children. It was not for me. But it was helpful at the time. Yeah, the money it paid, right? It helped you keep the roof over your head. Yeah, that's cool to get that opportunity with somebody who maybe shared that previous experience to give you a shot at that. Yeah. So what are you doing now? So you're 18, you've been kicked out of the house. I mean, what's you're drinking like? Are you drinking throughout this hustle time, hustle and bustle? Absolutely. But at that point, it never got to a place yet where it was like interfering with work or interfering with school. But absolutely I was drinking. And also at the time, I had a boyfriend who was older than me.

So he could legally buy alcohol. So the access was just always there, which was really helpful. So yeah, I was drinking my way through it. But it didn't get to a point where it was interfering with school because, like, I had to work. I had to go to school to support myself because there wasn't. and anybody else. Yeah. I picked up on that spot where you said yet. I think that's really important because a lot of people I talk with every day over the years is they're not there yet. They're not there, right? And it's like progressive the way this thing goes. So I just thought that was, you know,

great awareness there. So are you in college at this time? Did you go to college after high school? I did. So I went to Western. I don't know if you know Western in London. Yeah. So I started there. and then I ended up transferring to U of T. So I did undergrad and then I went to grad school and I was drinking and working throughout. And I mean, looking back on it, I honestly have no idea how I managed it all. Like I have no idea how I was drinking as much as I was going out every weekend. In addition to drinking, like there was drug use in the mix there. and I have no idea how I did it all and still finished grad school. I went after really great

opportunities, but the drinking was always there. And as you say, it was very progressive. I kept doing it over the years. Obviously, my tolerance increased. And so I was drinking more and more and more. And it would get to the point where, you know, I would go out with girlfriends for dinner and four of them would split a bottle of wine. would have two bottles for myself. Those moments kind of stand out as like, ooh, your relationship to alcohol and my relationship to alcohol is not the same thing. And so I externally, I think, kept it together. Things looked good. I always had good jobs, partners, a social life, travel, all of that stuff. But where I started noticing the biggest impact for my myself was my mental health and my mood. And I got to a point where, you know, after a night of

heavy drinking, which was often, I would wake up and just feel really indifferent about whether or not I continued to live. I wouldn't say I was suicidal and I wasn't ever planning on anything or trying to harm myself outside of the obvious harm I was doing with my drinking. but I just got to a place where I was like, I don't know if it matters if I'm here. And I don't know if it matters if I like put in the effort to take care of myself. So I may as well just keep drinking and I guess we'll just see what happens, which is like knowing what I know about myself now is like a pretty dark place for me to be because that's not my baseline in terms of my mood and my mental health. So yeah. And then I would say the turning point or.

For the sort of catalyst to me actually looking at my alcohol and looking at what it was doing to me in my life was my dad died. He drank himself to death. And that was brutal. That was terrible. And it also served as an example of where I was headed if I kept doing what I was doing. And so I did not get sober right away. In fact, the grief and just like processing of what had happened. Because like we had a really complicated relationship. And I hadn't actually even spoken to him for like four years prior to him passing away. So he just like passed away. And then we all found out I then felt like I needed to resolve whatever issues we had on my own because he was no longer even around to like figure that. out with. Anyway, so it was really challenging and complicated, obviously, like losing a parent unexpectedly. And so I drank my way through that. And I would say my drinking and consumption and addiction got a lot worse after that. I didn't think that I could manage the really hard feelings that go along with something like that. And so I didn't. I just drank about it and made everything

numb. That was just the state I existed in for months after he died. It was probably about a year after he died. So sometime in 2015, where I was out of the acute grief of all of it. And I can't even pinpoint. There wasn't a moment where I was like, everything changed. But I just got to the point where I was like, this can't be it. This can't be my whole life. This can't be all that there is for me. And I think those questions of just like, is this it? Is this all there is? Like drinking all the time, being hungover, being numb, feeling miserable. Like, this can't be the whole thing.

Those questions started to really, I don't know, I feel like they were like seeds that started to grow and change the way I started to think about my drinking. So my dad's death definitely was like a really pivotal moment for me though. Yeah, that's heavy stuff. Did you ever get any support after that happened, like reach out to therapist or friends or talk with anybody about stuff? I mean, I definitely talked to my friends. I leaned on my friends. But also at that point, most of my friends' parents, like, still are alive. And so not a lot of them had a lot of experience around that or even a lot of experience with grief and death.

And so I definitely leaned on them. I think I probably could have benefited from additional support. like working with a therapist. And in terms of my family of origin, like my mom and my sister, they didn't have, I would say, great relationships with my dad either. And so his passing was complicated and different for them in a lot of different ways. And I was the closest to my dad, but he and I hadn't spoken in years. And that was true for my mother and for my sister as well. And so I think we all just moved through it very differently. And none of us were super close either. I mean, my mother and my sister are really close, but it didn't feel like a source of

support, let's say, to like talk to them about what I was experiencing because their experiences were so different. So, yeah, I would say in hindsight, I would have worked with a grief counselor or somebody who was a little bit more specialized to provide support and care at that time, because I think it would have been really helpful. I hear you on that. I'm wondering too, though, hearing your story, a lot of stuff you're doing is incredible, right? You're going to school, graduate school, you're finding your way, you're traveling, a lot of the things you're mentioning. Were you ever confused that with this lifestyle living the way I'm living, could I actually fit into a spot of somebody who struggled with alcohol like this? Because

so many things were going right, it seemed like a lot of stuff was good. Yeah. Honestly, until like towards the end, when I started to be like, wait a second, is this it? I didn't even register for me that I had a problem because I think I still held a very binary black and white. Like this is what somebody looks like who has a problem with alcohol, right? They're like down and out, maybe experiencing homelessness, maybe on their way to rehab and all the other unhelpful stereotypes, right? So it didn't really register for me that that was even a bucket that I was in, that I had a problem with drinking, that it wasn't working for me that I was doing really terrible things to my body and my brain. And as I said, you know, I didn't

really know about the harms that went along with drinking. And so I didn't even necessarily put it together that a night of heavy drinking caused me to experience acute depressive episodes. Like, I couldn't even put those two things together, even though now that's very obvious. Like, you do this thing, you put a bunch of depressant into your body. You're going to feel. feel depressed. But I didn't know what I know now then. So it just didn't occur to me. I didn't even consider the fact that I had a problem, which feels wild. No, and I'm with you. I mean, towards the end of my addiction, I was living on my brother's floor. And I mean, everything was burning down around me. And when I think back to that, the day that I made a decision to do

something different, I knew something was up. Like the day before, like we drank a 24 beer and smoked two packs of cigarettes. And I thought I was living the highlight. You know, looking back, I'm like, whoa, dude, that wasn't the good life that you thought, but I was just wrapped up in that, like, maybe denial, maybe just used to it after years, maybe just used. That's the way it was. And I think there's so many people that are right there in that spot, like a few things mentioned, right? I'm not there. I wasn't there yet. And on the outside, people are looking in.

They're like, oh, you know what, Amy's not, Amy's doing good. But on the inside, we've got this, like, battle going on. Like I would wake up and say, I just want to do one or I just want to have one. Couldn't do that. And then I would get like, wow, why can't I figure it out? Everybody else figures it out. Like did you wake up in mornings and say that I'm taking today off and then find yourself not being able to? Yes.

And it was just this terrible cycle. Or I would do like, because I was very, I mean, still am, but I think in a much different way. But I was very like health oriented. So I would do like a claim. lens that didn't involve gluten and sugar and dairy and all that stuff. And of course, alcohol would be taken out of those things. And I would go a few days and I'd be like, I am killing it. And then I would start drinking to reward myself. And it got to a place kind of like you where I was like, what is wrong with me that I can't stop doing this? Why am I failing at this when I'm like good at all these other things?

like, why can't I fucking figure this out? And that felt shitty, but I didn't know. And I felt so much shame about how big alcohol had become in my life. And it felt like it was this thing that was like out of control and I no longer had a handle on it. But because outwardly, my life looked pretty decent, I thought that people wouldn't understand and people wouldn't take it seriously. And I was so ashamed of what it had become in my life that I didn't. I didn't want to talk to anybody about it. So I didn't get any kind of help and I didn't get any kind of support. And I was just like, well, I guess I'll just have to like try and figure this out silently

and alone because I didn't feel like I could even speak about it. I mean, for the first six months of being sober, I think I told maybe three people in my life because I was like, I don't want you to judge me. And I'm so ashamed. Yeah, and that's a really tough spot to be in as to what others think and what others' opinions that they have of us keep us stuck where we are. And it's a very scary place. And then a lot of shame is brought on from that too. So how would they get out of it? I mean, my goodness, because hearing this, Amy, there's a lot of people that have been in a

spot like this. There's a lot of people that are in a spot like this. So how the heck do you get out of it? Everything on the outside is going pretty good. You know internally towards the end there, that something's got to change your mental health as being impact. You're starting to think that the world might be a better place without you. How the heck do you turn the ship around? Yeah, that's a great question. Well, I think I don't even know why, but when those questions of like, is this it? Is this all there is? Because this is pretty depressing, to be honest. I explored those questions a little bit more. And it was not like a quick process. It wasn't like I questioned that. And then all of a sudden the next day I was sober, it did not look like that. But

I allowed those questions to remain and I actually gave them space. And then I did get to a point and it was after another night of drinking. And there was nothing exceptional about what happened this night other than I over drank and I drank and I drank more than everybody I was there with. And I woke up feeling like a sack of shit and hung over and all of it. But I woke up that morning and I was like, I cannot do this anymore. I was not motivated by like a shiny, sober life. I was motivated by not feeling like shit anymore. And I didn't know what it was going to look like. I didn't know how I was going to do it. I didn't know how I was going to get there. But I knew that alcohol had to go because it had caused so much grief and destruction and pain in my life. And I was also very clear. that in my sober moments, I was like, I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I do want to be here. And I know that this thing will take me down if I keep doing what I was doing. My dad literally just drank

himself to death. And so it's just like, I have literally my path laid out for me. And I was like, I don't want that. I don't want to die. I don't want my life to be cut short. I have no idea what I want other than I don't want this anymore. And so I think for me, the starting point was that decision of I'm not willing to do this. I'm not willing to live my life like this anymore. How scared were you when you bought into that idea and now you're going to have to get to work on it? Yeah, terrified. Because I, you know, had gotten to this point where I had incorporated alcohol into pretty much every part of my life. I mean, prior just before all of this, maybe even the summer before or the summer of, like I went to two yoga festivals, which you would think would be like

calm and serene. And I was hammered at both of them. Why? Because that's my life. I'm like, what about a yoga festival made me feel like I needed to be drunk the entire time, right? So the thought of removing alcohol from my life was terrifying. I thought I would never have fun again. I thought I would never be able to socialize, connect, all the things that I used to, I thought, get enjoyment out of. I didn't think I would get any enjoyment out of anything again. Ironically, it felt like my life was going to be over. And now I'm just like, holy shit, like getting rid of booze made everything possible. But at the time, it felt like my life just became so small. But that was just really an extension of how small my life was made by alcohol.

And I can see that now, but I couldn't see that at the time. So in short, I was terrified because I had no idea what I was going to do. But I knew that even with feeling scared and not knowing what it was going to be, I still had more conviction in my decision that it needed to be different. Yeah, that's powerful. And I think a lot of people can relate to that about fun and everything's over. It's interesting, though, that you bring up there about, is every activity is involved in the alcohol. And what I found out just talking with people from my own stuff, middle of the way through, I was just after the booze. I could care less about the events. I just want to go to the events or go here, just do whatever just to get to the booze.

I can, you know, I could care less about the events. And that's all it became was just doing that. And I was like, if it was an earlier event on a Saturday or Sunday, I was like, this is the best event at like 1 o'clock. As long as other people were getting into it, like more like Normies quote unquote. And this would just be like a wide open door for the festive to begin. And it was like a breath of fresh air because I felt less shame. If other people weren't. And I wasn't the odd man out. Yeah.

Because it gives you permission, right? Because everybody else is doing it. And you can kind of like blend in and not look like the odd ball who has a problem. who's drinking at one because everybody else is screwing it, right? Yeah, exactly. So I would find those setups. But yeah, again, I love that too about you feel like the fun's over. And it just because it intertwines, but like I feel like looking back, we can see it so clear.

I'm like, what are we thinking? You know what I mean? And not to beat ourselves up or be hard on ourselves, but like just to have a look at things and say like, I'm happy. I'm not there anymore. That's the only reason I do it. I'm like, my goodness, I'm so happy that I've been able to. make changes and not live like that anymore.

How are you able to get past that, though? Because people all the time are messaging me, oh, that's not fun anymore. Like everybody in the family drinks, I can't go to the barbecue. I can't do this. They start taking everything off the table. How do you get to a place where you can start to have a little bit of fun again? Yeah. So, I mean, a couple of things.

One, personally, I avoided, because I was, like, deeply committed to prioritize my sobriety. So I was like, if anything feels like it's going to threaten or compromise that, it's temporarily out. So I removed myself from a lot of situations where alcohol was kind of the focal point. And I'm not going to lie. One, I don't know if that was necessarily the best approach. I think I probably could have taken more initiative to have fun in other ways instead of just like staying at home. But two, I think sometimes we need to do that. We need to just put it off the table temporarily while we fortify our sobriety because it's really hard to be in environments that are triggering and stimulating when we haven't yet developed alternative

coping strategies or we haven't yet learned and it's learning how to have fun as an adult without alcohol in the mix. So if I were to do a different. now, I would say, yeah, don't go to this stuff. Like, don't hang out in bars. It's probably not a good choice for you in the beginning. But like, invite your pals to go for a hike. Or sometimes it can be helpful also to think about like, what did you like doing as a kid? Chances are there weren't booze involved, I'm hoping. And go and do some of that stuff and invite people. Like, take the initiative, invite people so that you have a bit more of a handle on what you're doing and you aren't waiting for people to invite you to alcohol-fueled events.

I think that's incredible, too, especially for summer right now, if you knew there's going to be a lot of stuff going on, but it's okay to sit out on stuff. Yeah. I mean, because you've went to all of this stuff before. Yeah. And if you think about it, you're not going to miss out on a ton of stuff. Really? Really, no.

Yeah, if you have to stay home and you just have to kick it in the backyard and plant some flowers or do whatever the heck you want to do that you enjoy, like, do that. Because so many people early on just want to get out there and just want to be part of all these things. And I get it. You want to get sober to be living. But you got to get a little bit of foundation under yourself before you're just going to be hanging out everywhere and just doing everything you were. Like you can't change if you just do the exact same stuff. You're going to be miserable.

Totally. Like if you go and hang out at a bar and you're three days sober, it's not going to be fun anyway. It's just going to be my. Like you'll be able to will your way through. it. But I think it's going to be tough to enjoy and you could probably find something else that you could probably enjoy and you're not missing out. I mean, I went to bars for years and even though I was there, like if you weren't there, you didn't miss out on anything. We weren't doing, we weren't doing anything cool. Totally. Yeah. And like, as you said, we've already done all this

stuff anyway. So you're not going to look back on your life and be like, ah, the summer I got sober. I really miss going to that barbecue. No, you're going to look back and be like, holy shit, I sustained my sobriety that summer. And now I'm where I am. That's the thing you're going to remember, not the like ball game or barbecue or drinking beer in a park. Yeah, exactly. So when did you get sober? I made this little cross stitch and that's my sobriety date. So that's why I'm checking it. It is August 22nd, 2016. Wow. That's incredible. And I love to where you share about your story, right? Because we sort of have this picture in our mind from Hollywood movies and everything else we see about what somebody who struggles with alcohol may appear, what they may look like, how they may live. And I mean,

literally, it's the person next door. That's what someone who struggles with alcohol looks like, whether we say alcoholic or struggles with alcohol, whatever it is. It's the person next door. and for you to be able to make the changes and really realize this was something that you wanted to remove from your life without having maybe big huge external consequences. And I know there was stuff internally that was just tearing you apart. And that's definitely extremely valid. But for some people I feel, Amy, they're waiting for something around them to fall apart. My message is always pretty simple. Get off the train before things do fall apart because for a majority.

of us, this is extremely addictive substance and it's going to keep moving down the tracks. I think that's cool that you were able to get to that spot to make the changes. So now rocking and rolling and living in Toronto and doing everything else. Look, I'm wondering, too, it's rumored out there, Amy, that sobriety is a superpower of some sort. I mean, do you feel like it gives you a competitive edge? And competitive edge might not be the perfect term for this. but do you feel like it bleeds over into other areas of your life to give you a little bit extra edge?

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, knowing what I know now, when we remove alcohol from our lives, and I actually posted about this today, so it's funny you should mention it. We improve our physical health, our mental health, our mood, our energy, our sleep. Like, everything gets better when we take this more. one thing out of the picture. Because so many people consume alcohol, when you're opting out of that and you're like, yeah, I mean, I'm an early riser. But like, I get up every day at five. And like, the amount of stuff I get done before most people roll out of bed is insane. And there's no way I could

do any of that if alcohol was in the mix. So like, absolutely. I feel like it's this life hack that we're not talking about as a life hat. And I also think what you were saying, I also advocate in my work. Like, we don't have to wait until we hit rock bottom. We don't have to wait until something terrible happens before we make our lives better. And an extension of that is for anybody who drinks, if it's not working for you, it's a great thing to consider removing. You don't have to be struggling with addiction to get curious about your relationship. with drinking. You don't have to be drinking your face off every day to be like, actually, I notice that when I drink my anxiety gets worse, or I notice that my sleep is impacted, or I

notice that I make decisions around what I'm eating that don't make me feel great. And it's like, you don't have to be in the throes of a really severe addiction to ask questions about whether or not this thing is working for you. And for anybody, regardless of how big or small alcohol is in their lives. If you want your life to be a little bit better, consider taking alcohol out of the mix and then just look at all the different areas where your life will flourish. That list you mentioned there, and I can't remember everything on there. But you know what surprises me most about it with people and with my own story is that if you remove the alcohol and you're identifying problems with it, all those areas of your life will improve. And it can do that with very little effort. Like,

You take the alcohol away, like your mental health will get better, your anxiety will get better. I mean, obviously, this isn't for everybody. I'm not saying it's for everybody, but a lot of people I've talked to, they're like, yeah, it just was great. And I honestly can't think of anything else off the top of my head here that I could remove from my life today. And my anxiety gets better. My mental health gets better. I show up better in my relationships. I have a ton more energy.

I sleep like a baby, like, you know, it's that deep, right? Totally. And I don't know of anything else that I could do. right now that would like start to show all of those things. I think no matter where you're out on the spectrum is it wouldn't hurt to say let's try without it. And if you think to yourself, let's try 30 days without it and you're terrified like Amy was like I was at a point in time, then there might be something more here for you to look at and start asking yourself those questions. I love that you brought up the questions there because what I always used to ask myself was how did I end up here?

That was the question that used to like haunt me. And I just to avoid because I didn't really want to know the answer to that question. But I always used to ask it because I had a good childhood, a great family. I had every opportunity available. I had tons of interventions in my life to try to keep me on the right track. And towards the end, I was like, man, how in the heck did you end up here? And that would just be a source of shame for me personally because then it would just beat myself up. But asking some questions never hurts.

Yeah, absolutely. And I think, you know, we hear the term sober curious all the time. It's like pretty catchy in our suppose. Totally. But I think just as a practice, curiosity is like a really helpful entry point. Because I think when we're coming from a place of just purely being curious about something, there's no space for judgment. We're not looking to like make ourselves wrong. But it's just like, huh, I wonder what it might look. like if I didn't drink this weekend and then go and see and like consider it an information gathering exercise and just see what comes out of it. And if you're noticing, I don't know, feelings or thoughts or anxieties or concerns coming out of that. Curiosity again, like, oh, I wonder why I'm feeling a bit anxious. I'm going to this social thing and I'm not going to drink and I normally would. I wonder where that's coming from, right? Like there's nothing in that that's judgmental or shamey. It's just like, I'm getting curious about this process. And I think for a lot of people, that can be really helpful because sometimes we don't move through the world in the most

intentional, connected place, right? And also, drinking is everywhere. It's very normal. We all just do it all the time. So we're not actually asking questions like, why am I drinking? Why do I do this because like at this point we all know that it's not great for mental health it's like pouring gasoline on fire when it comes to anxiety it's a depressant we know it's causally linked to at least seven different types of cancer like this information is more well known now and so it's just like how come we're doing this what am i hoping to get out of having that beer or those beers What am I hoping to feel that I feel like I can't cultivate within myself by having that drink? What am I trying to add to this experience?

And just asking those questions and just being curious about the answer. And then also being willing to answer honestly, I think is like a really important part in that as well. Yeah. I was going to say, I'm thinking at those questions and I'm going through to my head right when I was into it. And I'm just like, oh, I would have perfect answers, Amy, for all of those questions. But I think that part of being honest, right, being honest with yourself. Even if you need to get support with it, too, about somebody else who's curious or somebody who's been there before. Yeah.

They can connect with and maybe just bounce stuff off of them. But I love that to where you brought up the curious part because it's not judgmental towards yourself. I mean, if you plan to be curious for a weekend, it doesn't work out. You end up drinking, then you end up drinking. If you're in that curious stage and not beating yourself up over every little thing, I think is going to be important. And maybe that will give you another thing to be curious about what was the challenge there. Like what did I get hung up on with moving forward? Yeah.

And it's all information, right? Like when my clients come to me and they're like, oh, I had a drink this weekend. And I'm like, okay, cool. I mean, not cool. Like, let's celebrate. But like, let's talk about it. How were you feeling leading up to it? How did you get to a place where that felt like either the only on?

or the best option. And, you know, those moments, the ones that, like, maybe didn't go according to plan, there's often a lot of information in those moments that really shines a light on a part of ourselves that needs more attention, more care, more love, like whatever it is. And so, again, obviously we want to, like, be accountable to the decisions that we're making. But, yeah, the not beating yourself up and just being curious about like what actually happened here. How did you get there? You were really clear on your decision and then you sidestepped and now you're back. So like let's explore that. And I think, you know, a lot of information that's really helpful can be found in those moments. Yeah, for sure. And if you have somebody in your life too that's safe as a sounding

board or somebody that you're working with being honest is key, right? Because a lot of people And I was guilty of this too. I just wasn't honest about things. And then it's, you keep rolling, you keep going, but you feel a certain way about it. Like,

oh, man, you know, like, that's something I should look at, but I'm just going to keep going with things. So I think that's incredible and not to have that, like,

shame, that judgment about it, but this is the reality and, like, what can we learn from that situation to be more prepared and then when it comes up again? Because that's going to be the reality.

It's not like, for me anyway, It's not like I just decided to get sober and then it was gravy. I never thought about it again. It's a process, right? And it's like self-to-if you choose to go on that journey. You're always going to be working on something. So yeah, what would you say if somebody that's listened to the show is struggling to get or stay sober?

What would you say to them? Well, I would invite them to consider stepping into a place of possibility. And what I mean by that is if alcohol were not in the picture, what would feel possible in your life that maybe doesn't feel possible or reachable now? And I think sometimes for people that can be really helpful just to like imagine something slightly different than where we are now. And I would also say just remembering that your life and your existence and what you're here on this earth to do is worth the effort and the work of getting sober.

Powerful. Wow. Thank you. Yeah, that's great because when you're stuck in it, right, I ask everybody, everybody I talk to that I think about asking this question, and I don't ask it the strangers, but I ask them when they celebrate a year or when they celebrate six months, I said, did you ever think this was possible? And every time, Amy, every time, no, I never even thought I could get a day or two. And I think what you're mentioning there, that exercise can really open people up because when we're on the first day or before our first day and the first week, we have a hard time like seeing that this is actually possible for us. I love that. I wanted to ask you one more thing before we wrap up. And it was to kind of do with your dad's situation there. I've just

had it overwhelming amount of conversations in the last month from people who ended up in the hospital with very, very serious issues from alcohol. So you have a lot of. So you have a overwhelming amount of conversations in the last month. had that experience with your dad. How were you able to connect that being possibly your reality? The only reason I'm asking this is I feel like as humans, even though we understand the dangers, we see the dangers, like how do we step into a spot where we see that for us? You know what I mean? Was there a time where you're like, yeah, this could actually be my story as well? Yeah, I mean, And towards the end, and I obviously after he died, which was when I was drinking the most, I could just see so in a lot of ways, no, we lived very different lives. But when it came to alcohol, I could see

so many similarities in how we engaged with it that I was just like, yes, if I keep doing this, this feels so clear to me that this is where I'm headed. And I think it's really tricky with alcohol because, one, addiction doesn't develop overnight. I mean, obviously, I think for the most part, we have no idea when we start engaging with a highly addictive substance. We have no idea how susceptible we are to developing an addiction or not. And when it comes to alcohol, because, you know, we don't typically go from not drinking anything to like drinking tons and tons and tons right away. It is a slow burn. It is progressive. And we also don't start to see the negative consequences right away. And so it's easy to not see them. It's easy to not experience them.

But for me, it was just like, okay, this feels very clear. He is a heavy drinker. I am a heavy drinker. And I would say arguably where I was at that point in my life, I was probably drinking more than when he was at that same point in his life. So if anything, I was like, I might beat him to the punch and die younger than he did because of the rate that I was going at. So even though, you know, I wasn't going to the doctor because I was dealing with my liver at that time, it felt so clear to me the path that I was on. And I was like, I got to get off this path. But circling back to the question that you had asked about what would you say to somebody who's struggling and like, I just want to add to that that change is possible.

And I think for so many people, it can feel like this is it. We're stuck here and it's just going to be this and more of this. And I just really want to like offer that change is possible. Your life can be different. It can be better. And you can make it better. And we all have the capacity in ourselves to create that change. And yes, we will acquire tools along.

the way and finding community and accountability, all that stuff is really important. But like, we all have the capacity in us like you did and like I did to make a different choice and to create lives for ourselves that we actually love. And I don't know if it's because, I mean, when you lose somebody, like when somebody dies, I don't know why it has such an impact on perspective. But I'm now in a place where I'm like, this is it. This is our lives. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, next week is not guaranteed, let alone a year from now. So like if you don't like where things are at, you can literally start to make them better and different right now. And go for it because you can. Yeah. I'm so happy that you added in that part there. Yeah,

it's so important just to empower people to like get started and to get curious and to check it out. Like you literally have nothing to lose. And you mentioned earlier and I did a little story about this the other day, but a lot of times we feel like we need alcohol. And like the reality is you don't need alcohol. You don't at all. You need something for sure. But you don't eat alcohol. You don't need to hang out on a patio all summer. You don't need that. And just the benefits of giving it up and how much better you'll feel. And everything around you will feel so much better too. It just, once you get that feeling for it, it's like that's your thing you're going after, you know, you just don't want to wake up.

I mean, every morning for years and just feel like, oh, my gosh, you know, and things got worse. And I like what you said too. You just don't know when that switch is necessarily going to flip where this just becomes a Friday night hanging out in high school, innocent, escaping some feelings. And then all of a sudden you're waking up in the morning telling yourself, today's it. And we do that for years.

We're like, this is the last day. Can't stop. Well, Amy, thank you so much. This has been incredible. You're incredible. I'm glad we connected here. Before we sign up, is there anything you'd like to share with people? Where can they find you?

All that cool stuff. Well, I'm pretty active on Instagram and I post a lot of sobriety content so folks can find me. My handle is Ms. So MS. Amy C. Willis, my name. They can also check out my website. it is whole and well.com. So that's H-O-L-A-N-D-W-E-L dot com. And yeah, I have a bunch of rabies. I have a free Facebook group for sober and sober curious women just as a way to like connect and find community and share resources. So all that stuff is linked up on both my

Instagram and my website. And if folks are interested in coaching support, that's what I do professionally, and I would be proud to support people in their journeys if they want that. So thank you for having me. And also, I just wanted to say that I think sharing of our stories is so vital and so powerful. And it is a point of connection, and it's a helpful way to feel less alone in our journeys. And addiction can be really isolating and lonely. I think so sober can feel really isolating and lonely. And so finding and connecting with other people and just not feeling like we're by ourselves in this is really, really important.

And I think you do such an exceptional job on your podcast of facilitating the stories and the connections. And so I just wanted to say thank you to you because I think that this is such a vital resource for people. Oh, thank you. How are you feeling after you were able to share today? Feeling all right? I feel great.

I talked pretty openly about my stuff because when I first got sober and I was hiding and not telling anybody what I was doing, I was taking in content and I was taking in people's stories and I was just looking for mostly women just to be like, oh, you did this. You were struggling and now you're sober and you seem to be doing okay. And that feels really hopeful because I couldn't even imagine that for myself. And so it was really great to connect with other people that I could find parts of my own story in. And now they're thriving. And so just sharing our stories feels really important. So thank you for letting me. And I hope it's helpful.

I hope it's helpful for folks listening. Yeah, it will be. It always is. Wow, another incredibly powerful episode. If you're enjoying the show, do me a huge favor. Head over to your favorite podcasting platform and leave a review. And I'll see you on the next one.