Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Anne got stuck on the moderation hamster wheel with alcohol until she quit drinking alcohol for good.

Episode Date: April 16, 2024

In this episode, we have Anne’s heartfelt story of growing up with a father struggling with addiction, his involvement in the Cornbread Mafia, and her own battles with drinking. Anne discusses the impact of her father's addiction on her childhood, leading to her own struggles with alcohol in an attempt to cope with her anxiety and feelings of unworthiness. She shares her moment of awakening and the decision to pursue sobriety, emphasizing the importance of community, therapy, and the power of forgiveness in healing and recovery. Anne's journey highlights the transformative potential of sobriety and how sharing and community support can help overcome the challenges of addiction. This is Anne’s story on the Sober Motivation podcast.   Follow Anne on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/the_bright_eyed_sober_girl/ Donate to support the show: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivation   00:00 Opening and Guest Introduction 00:12 Anne's Childhood and Family Background 01:13 Generational Struggles and Personal Challenges 02:51 Early Memories and Realizations of a Troubled Family Life 07:51 School Struggles and the Impact of Family Issues 10:32 The Turning Point: A Traumatic Event and Its Aftermath 16:10 The Descent into Alcoholism and Seeking Escape 21:27 Finding Hope and the Path to Healing 27:55 A Journey to Faith: From Starbucks to Salvation 28:12 Family Ties: Forgiveness and Transformation 30:14 Embracing Church and Discovering Self-Worth 31:12 The Struggle with Gray Area Drinking 33:54 A Turning Point: Awakening to Sobriety 45:27 Finding Strength in Community and Sobriety 48:54 Reflecting on the Journey and Offering Hope

Welcome back to season three of the Suburmotivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode, we have Anne's heartfelt story of growing up with a father struggling with addiction, his involvement in the cornbread mafia, and her own battles with drinking. Anne discusses the impact of her father's addiction on her childhood, leading to her own struggles with alcohol in an attempt to cope with her anxiety and feelings

of unworthiness. She shares her moment of awakening and the decision to pursue sobriety, emphasizing the importance of community, therapy, and the power of forgiveness in healing and recovery. Anne's journey highlights the transformative potential of sobriety and how sharing and community support can help overcome the challenges of addiction. This is Anne's story on the Subur Motivation podcast. What is going on? out there, everybody, thank you again for tuning into another episode of the podcast, incredible story coming right up. I just want to mention a few thoughts before we jump into this episode. The weather, at least here in Canada, is starting to look a lot nicer. And I know for a lot of us,

that can be somewhat of a trigger or just reminiscing on how things used to be. One thing that helps me tremendously is I just constantly remind myself that I tried all the other ways to make it work. I tried to make alcohol work in my life and other things as well. And I always ended up back at the same place. So if you get a little bit squirrely and are thinking that you're going to try to make this thing work again, just reflect back onto the data that you've previously encountered in your life about how it turns out. A really tool we talk about a lot is play the tape forward. If you have that one drink, if you have that one drug, what does it look like for you the next day and the days after that, nine times out of ten, I feel confident in saying,

eventually we'll end up in the exact place we were trying to avoid. So keep stacking those sober days together. Thank you, as always, for all the incredible support, kind messages with the podcast. If you want to contribute in any way and you are in a spot to do so, please check out buy me a coffee.com slash sober motivation where you can donate and support the show. I'll drop that link as well as all the other links about this episode down in the show notes, and I'll see you around.

Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast today we've got in with us. How are you? I'm good. Thanks for having me. Of course. Thank you for jumping on here and sharing your story with all of us. So what was it like for you growing up? For me growing up, I grew up in a really small town in Kentucky.

and I had a wonderful mother, wonderful grandparents who really attribute who I am today because of their influence in my life. But my dad really struggled with addiction my whole life. Just so you have a little bit of background about him, he grew up in just a really traumatic childhood. His mother passed when he was eight years old and he was one of five. And she died of breast cancer. And you know, back then they didn't have the medical advances they do now. And she passed. And his dad, I think, did the best he could with the tools he had.

But, you know, his tool was alcohol until you see this, like, generational, like, alcoholism start to play out. And I just give that context to show I have a lot of compassion for the little boy that he was. say all that just to say he really needed most likely therapy for sure back then they just they never talked about anything and so he kept it all in stuffed it all down and then he quickly turned to drugs and alcohol to cope and he needed someone in his life to help him and he just didn't have anyone his dad was abusive physically and verbal and they were poor. And so he was shepherded by a man named Johnny Boone. And I'll share about that more as we get into this. But he was the founder, creator, Kingpin, however you want to say it, was called the Cornbread Mafia. And that is the mafia that my dad was involved in as a very young child. And so they didn't have any money. So he started making money and that felt really good.

Soon, fast-forward a bit, my parents meet in high school and they had me when my mom was 21. My dad was 22. And just from the get go, my dad struggled with addiction. When I was born, he was in jail. He had already had like his third or fourth DUI at that point. And, you know, that's just how it all. started growing up. I obviously don't have a lot of memories as like from birth until about six, but my first memory of him is him like running through the house. I was, yeah, about six years old

running through the house and he was screaming like, I'm on fire, I'm on fire. And obviously he wasn't on fire. But so I don't know what type of drug that was he was on, but that's my first like memory of it just continues like my third grade year so I'm like nine or ten years old. That's when either his addiction really got worse at this point or maybe I just became more aware of it and maybe it's both, but I just really started to recognize that he was different than my friend's dad's, that he was just not around. a lot when he was around. It was like a constant heaviness.

It was not warm. I did not like how it felt when he was around because he was either passed out or drunk on the couch passed out. And it just, this all just was like a compounding event. My mom did the best she could to like try to shelter all of this from me. You just, as a child of an addict, you just pick up on this stuff. And that's when I really started struggling with anxiety. I constantly lived in fear that, like, my mom was going to die. And I don't know why.

No one had died. I just, I'm sure maybe it had something to do with his addiction. And I was afraid maybe that my only, like, sound parent would leave. I don't know. But it just, I started. started really struggling with like fear and that something would happen to her. So yeah, after that, I mean, there's just so many memories like where my dad, he tried to commit suicide like when I was around 10 or 11 and just like all these traumatic

things that as a child you're just not supposed to deal with or to see. And I just constantly wanted to protect my mom. I was constantly trying to make sure she was okay. And I mean, she always had a brave face and was like really just a strong, sound woman. But again, because of his addiction, I was just determined to never make it harder on her. You know, I never wanted her to think I was sad or that I was upset. But on the inside, I was sad. And I just didn't have tools at that time, especially as a child, to even communicate any of this.

So I just isolated a lot. I can remember, like, my dad promising me he would come see me in, like, a fourth grade speech competition. And I was so excited for him to see me do this. I wanted his, like, validation. and, you know, he didn't show up. And I was devastated. And I think that's when the lie of, oh, I'm not worthy. I'm not valuable enough for you to choose me over your alcohol, over your addiction.

And that's just where I think that lie really took a hold on me. And I also would go in the bathroom and just cry by myself because I didn't want my mom to be even more sad than I. I felt like she already was. So it was just a lot of adult emotions on a child. And it really did affect me going through all that as a little girl. Yeah. So much stuff there to even go through. Right.

And a lot of the times I hear the story where parents are struggling with addiction in some sort. As children, you have to grow up really fast, right? You're mentioning a lot of these things, experience a lot of adult emotions. And when we're younger, too, we can feel it all. but I don't necessarily know we can articulate it. And even in your case, you don't want to put any more pressure on your mom who's doing the best that she possibly can in this entire situation to make it seem like now she's got something else to worry about. So you keep it all in.

I mean, this whole thing of isolating too. And I can relate in a completely different way. But just wanted to keep it all in. And my goodness, it just eats us up, right? And we can't get it out. We just can't share it with anybody. We don't know how to process it. We don't know how to work through it.

And your dad's missing that event there. You want them to go. And you're starting to experience a lot of stuff there early on and not feeling good enough. These are really heavy things. I mean, a lot of things you're going through. How does things look like in school for you? Are you making friends? Are you doing well in school?

Yeah. So, you know, this is like also, this is also why I drank. School for me was really hard. I really struggled academically. So then I believed this line that I was dumb, that I wasn't smart enough. And teachers, you know, I mean, like now I think about things. And I'm like, oh my gosh, like they probably would get in trouble like nowadays. But they would just say things like, oh, you should have been a blonde.

I can't believe you have Burnett here. Like you're so ditsy. And just things that like in hindsight, they really, it did a number on my. confidence. Like, I really felt like I wasn't smart enough or good enough. And then I probably wouldn't amount to much. And obviously, it was a lie, but like one that I really internalized and believed. School from K through second was just all I remember is anxiety. I just, like I said, I was terrified that my mom was going to die while I was at school. I'm sure I had moments that were fun, but it just felt like an ball of anxiety. We actually ended up, I switched schools when I went

into the third grade, which was great because my grandmother was a teacher and she was actually a teacher at the school I went to. And that was like a huge change. I felt so much more peace and calm and just like I could focus. So I started to improve a lot then. And friends were fine. I don't ever remember anything really bad at all happening, except I do have a memory one time in the fourth grade asking a friend to come over. And she just, she said, I wish I could, but your dad does drugs and has guns, so I can't. And it was one of those moments where, again, you can't process anything. I just remember being really. sad and like shocked. And I didn't want to tell my mom because I didn't want to hurt her feelings,

you know, and really I needed therapy probably to like work through all this. But I just internalized it. I didn't talk about it. Yeah. For sure. I hear you on that 100%. Where do you go from here then like through high school and stuff like that? I know before we jumped on here too, you had mentioned a situation that unfolded and that's what triggered you to. start drinking. Walk us through that a little bit. Yeah, I had just made all these declarations as like a little girl. I was determined to not be like my dad. I loved him, but I was so angry and hurt by his drinking and his drug use that I just was determined to never be him. The ninth grade, so I'm 15 years old, my dad's addiction just got really bad.

and pretty dark quickly. He was in a really bad car wreck. We didn't know it at the time, but his truck had burned. And the police called our house at 2 in the morning and said, you know, we found his truck. We don't know where the body is. We don't know if he burned to death

or if he's escaped. Like, we don't know. So that was pretty traumatic. My mom and I drove to my dad's dad's house, so my grandfather's house, because it's the only place we knew where maybe he would have escaped to. And sure enough, by the grace of God, he was there and he wasn't hurt. He had fled the scene. And it was just a memory I have personally where he looked at me and I'm standing there in front of him just mortified and so angry. And I'm also sad, right, because I truly thought,

had died and I'd like mentally been preparing for his death honestly just because his addiction had gotten out of control. I mean, I would find like crack cocaine tans under the guest bedroom. It was just crazy. And so he's staring at me and he just says, you know, I want to come home. And it was like the first time I looked at him and I was like, you can come home when you're sober, but you're not going to manipulate me anymore. Which was powerful to be honest. with him because for so long I had just tried to be good and not ruffle his feathers. You know, I didn't want him to be angry. I didn't want him to be mean to me or my mom.

And thankfully, he was never, like, physically abusive at all, but just, like, the verbal and emotional abuse that comes with addiction, took a toe on both my mom and I. And then shortly after that, this is where things, like, really take a turn. Shortly after that, we hear he gets arrested, which was not like that uncommon. I'm 15 and I wasn't sad, which is strange to say, but if anyone who's listening has had apparent in addiction, I think you can relate to this. It's just I knew he would be safe. I knew he would be sober.

I knew he wouldn't hurt himself or someone else. And so it was like a relief when I found out he was arrested. But we had absolutely no idea the magnitude of this arrest. I was used to him being gone maybe like a couple of months and then he'd be released. But this time, it was pretty severe. And I have a memory I was laying out when I was 15 because, you know, that's what you do when you're 15 years old, lay out. And the phone rang and it was like on the caller ID, it said United States Federal Penitentiary. And I answered because I knew it was going to be my father.

And he just said to me, and I'm in prison. We have to make a phone call to my attorney. I don't want you to listen. So he gives me the phone number. I do the three-way call. And of course I listen. I mean, of course, even though she said, don't listen. Of course, I listened.

And that's when I heard the attorney say, like, Larry, that was my dad's name, Larry, this is not good. You're looking at life in prison. And I just, like, my stomach dropped, you know, because I was heartbroken. I obviously didn't want him to go away for life. I was confused. I didn't really understand, like, what was going on. and I just kept, like, I heard my dad, like, get choked up and cry. And then, like, the way these prison phone calls work, you only have a certain amount of time, and it just clicked.

So I was confused. I didn't know what was going on. And then shortly after, that's when we realized our house had been under surveillance cameras, the phones had been bugged, the operation, this, like, the cornbread mafia was the largest domestic marijuana distribution operation bust in American history, and my dad was a part of it. And so when all this happened and it all came out, it was a relief, and it was devastating all at once. And that was just a lot of emotions to sort through as a 15-year-old. And like I said, like I never wanted to put more pain on my mom. Sort of kept it all in. I didn't ever cry in front of her in front of my dad ever. I just kept it all in. And that's when I went to a friend's house. And that's when I just decided, you know what? Screw it. I want to know why everyone drinks. I want to know what is in this liquid that is so enticing. And I took my first drink.

which turned into several drinks because I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. And from the moment, from that moment, I knew I hated it and I loved it. And it was, this like gray area drinking for me really began. And it was just a lot to process. Yeah. I was just going to say shortly after that, I guess it was like a month after my dad had been arrested we were allowed to go visit him in prison. And, you know, this is for me at least in my story,

this is where prison, like, physically entered my life and physically entered my father's life. But it's also the prison I put myself in with alcohol because I just, I felt so trapped by it, even at 15. And it's also just when I feel like there is purpose in our pain and like where a healing begins with my father and I. But it would take many years before we really got to this like true healing place of forgiveness. But while we were being like searched, you know, to go in to see home, you know, you're just like, it's like in the movies. You like have the phone.

and there's the big glass, and I can just see him walking through in his khaki jumpsuit, and he's just shackled and the handcuffs, and they're on his feet and on his hands. And it was just a true gut punch of a scene. I was not prepared to witness that. I don't know if you're ever prepared to witness that, and especially as a teenager, but I saw him walking and he, you know, saw me. We sit down and it's just this moment where I feel like our roles truly switched. I feel like I became very motherly in that moment and he became very much a child.

And he just sat down and he just started bawling crying, ball and crying. And he said to me, and I feel like I've been stripped naked, wrapped in bobwire, thrown in the center of Times Square for everyone. to watch and gock at. And he's just bawling, crying, and he just looked at me, and he was like, will you please forgive me? And it was just one of those moments where I'll never forget. It's etched in my mind. And I didn't know Jesus yet, so I did not know the power of forgiveness, the power of grace.

But it was like in that moment, I truly genuinely forgave him for everything he had done, everything he had missed out on, all these, like, moments that he chose alcohol and drugs over me, I genuinely forgave him because I saw the, like, raw emotion of, like, desperation, like, of true surrender, of asking me, please forgive me. And I did not know it at the time, but that began, like, his healing journey of, forgiving himself. So it was a really powerful, powerful moment for him and for me for this, like, healing journey to begin. Yeah. Wow. No, that does sound powerful. And you're right. I don't think anybody is equipped for that first time, for that scene, the picture that you paint there where

you walk in and everything's changed. The thing. And it may be sobering up to helps. I think when we're under the influence all the time, like it's hard to tap into the raw emotions. And the realness of everything, right? To see the impact that, you know, some choices may have. And I think for him in that moment, you know, when I think back on that, especially now knowing what I know, what alcohol and drugs do to our brain, I really do think he was coming off all the drugs, all the alcohol. So like his actual brain chemistry, I think, was definitely being impacted.

But also, I think the reality of his choices, you know, know, his choices had consequences, you know, and we were here. It had landed him in prison. So, I just the reality of everything set in. And it was like very emotional. Yeah. So where do you go from there? So this is a, this is still around 15 then when you go for this first visit? You start drinking to it. You bring up another thing, you know, is that, you know, he's in his situation in prison, but you're also starting to creep into this, creating your own prison or getting involved with your own thing with alcohol. So where do you go from there? Yeah, yeah.

So just to give a little background on him really quick, that is when he started going to some Bible studies inside of the prison. And these women who were ministering always called him Brideaz. And he was at this point, I think, truly just feeling like lowest of low, no value, no worthiness whatsoever, just like this criminal. And these women just kept speaking truth over him and that he really was like a good man and he wasn't his past. He didn't have to live under this condemnation and this like awful identity. And so they just kept saying, hey bright eyes, hey bright eyes. We're so glad you're here. This is all softening him and he's attending these Bible studies and, you know, what else do you do in prison, right? I mean, there's just not a lot else to do. So of course he went. But for me, behind the scenes,

I, yeah, I'm 15. I am just now starting to dabble in alcohol. It really didn't get bad for me personally until college. I think like in high school it was like quote unquote normal because everyone around me was doing it. But I really struggled in college because I just felt all that like insecurity of I wasn't smart enough, wasn't good enough, wasn't like worthy enough. I just had no confidence. I just, I wanted so badly to be seen and be valued. But I couldn't do it without this, like, false confidence of alcohol. You know, it was giving me this, like, false sense of security, and I loved it. But I really took a turn after I went through a breakup in college.

And I really just think at that time, like, this breakup, all my childhood stuff, my dad being in prison. And I think everything and like it imploded. And I just started partying and drinking pretty much every day for a year. I mean, pretty excessively. And it was just chipping away at my self-worth. You know, we do things that we would never do sober. And that's what I found myself, just like doing things and putting myself in situations that I would never do. And plus, it's just that thing I was saying.

Like, I had made all these, like, big declarations as a little girl that I would never do this. And here I was, like, partying, drinking just to, like, numb out and not feel anything, especially after that breakup. And, yeah. But during this time, it's when I was in beauty school and I had went to college. And after college, I was just like, I were still wondering. to go into the beauty industry. I was in beauty school and I was just like partying all the time coming in drunk a lot to school. I mean, I didn't look drunk. It was like I was hung over from the night prior. But there was a girl in there named Jerica who I just to this day,

I'm so grateful for. And she was just so like put together. And, kind and nice. And she always just said, you know, you know, you can always come to church with me if you want. And I just remember being like, you're crazy. I am not going to church. No, thank you. What, no part of that. And deep down, I just felt so disqualified. I felt just dirty. Like I felt like I had already messed up way too much. And so I just threw it. I just threw. that out. Like, I was like, no, I'm good. But I have this situation, um, in college where I was out one night partying and I fell. And when I fell, I don't know how to explain this other than it's almost like I had this outer body experience. I also had this vision of my dad being passed out on

the couch. And it scared me really bad because I felt like if I don't get it together, I'm going to end up just like him. And so I texted my like little Christian friend and I was just like, hey, you know, can we meet before school tomorrow? And she was like, yeah, sure, of course. And so we meet up and I'm hungover, of course, walk in like my eyes are bloodshot. I'm just like, now I know what alcohol does to the brain. So like I'm totally like my dopamine is dropped. My serotonin is dropped, you know, on this, like the scientific part behind it. But I just walked down and I just, I'll call it like a surrender moment. I just, it was the first time I said out loud to anyone. I felt like I was drinking too much. So depressed, I felt very alone. And I told her,

and I told her I was just trying to fill my life with partying with this boyfriend that I had at the time and with things, materialism, I would try to make sure, you know, I looked put together, but on the inside, I just felt like I was dying. And I was just devastated. And I knew I could not keep doing this. And so she said to me, you know, and it sounds like you've tried everything. You've tried the partying. You've tried the boyfriend. You've tried the cute bag and like the new makeup, you know, like, I kept trying everything I could to feel my life up. But she was like, you've never tried Jesus. And I was just like, yeah, no, I haven't, but I've messed up too much. There's just no way. No. And I'm like bawling, crying out inside the Starbucks where she and I had met.

And she's like, you know, let's go to your car. And so we go out to my car. And that is where she really led me into like the salvation prayer and I gave my life to Christ in a surroghux parking lot. But to circle back around, like you have to remember this is like where a couple of years prior, my dad had began going to these Bible sit inside prison. And, you know, all that time he had been praying for me to have an encounter with someone. that would tell me the truth, would tell me the truth about Jesus. I think he just felt like he couldn't do it because he had already messed up so much. But he just, you know, his salvation story, just to, yeah, to circle back around to it.

When I forgave him, that's when he began to soften and hear the truth from these women who kept calling him bright eyes. And I mean, he was participating in these Bible studies for six months. And one day after a study, he went to his cell. And he told me once that he heard the Lord, not audibly, but like in his spirit, say to him, you don't have to do the time alone. You have to do the time, but you don't have to do the time alone anymore. And it's just really neat to me, like in hindsight to see what I feel like the Lord was orchestrating behind the scenes of like all this devastation. all these ashes, but it turned into something truly beautiful because we both ended up giving our life to Christ through so much pain. And we both felt so dirty and disqualified to ever call ourselves Christian, you know. So it was just, it was a real like full circle moment for me and him both to have that experience. And I'm just so grateful that it happened.

Yeah, wow. That is incredible. So he's in his situation, working on himself, and then you're getting this opportunity. And of all places, a Starbucks parking lot. Wow. I know. It's great.

So do you start going to church after this then? Yeah. So, yeah, I do start going to church after all this. It wasn't like everything just became easy and just rosy because that's just not the case. But I started learning about my worth and my value, how God saw me and not allowing my past to keep me stuck. Because, you know, I really just had to keep telling myself, like, who I was yesterday is not who I have to be today. And I sort of just kept telling myself that and stepping into what I knew God had called me to do.

I knew God had been saying for years, you don't need this. You don't need this in your life. But I kept picking it up. And I kept picking it up until I was 35. Yeah. So walk us through a little bit of that time then. For most people, it's progressive, right? It kind of things don't always get better.

You mentioned too earlier about gray area. I mean, what does that look like in your life? Like, how did this thing move forward? Yeah, so after everything happens and I end up giving my life to Christ in this Starbucks parking lot. I mean, several things happen. You know, I meet my now husband. I have my two daughters. My dad ends up getting diagnosed with this crazy rare heart disease. He got out of prison when he turned 48. So he ended up serving eight and a half years in prison. And three years after that, he gets diagnosed with amyloidosis, super rare heart condition.

How many things happen in this chunk of time. And all through this time frame, I looked like a very normal drinker. It just looked so normal. I would just have drinks with my girlfriends at dinner. I would have drinks with my husband at dinner. I would have drinks with my husband at dinner. or I was not a everyday drinker. I don't know.

I was just the weekend girl. I wanted to escape, have a good weekend. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to feel confident. And I wanted everything to be elevated. And I felt like the only way I could do that was by having alcohol. But in my like soul, I just kept feeling like so much guilt, so much shame. You know, I loved alcohol in the moment because it just gave me that dopamine rush.

But almost immediately after the buzz would wear off, I would just be riddled with guilt and shame. And I just felt like I was on this hamster wheel that I could not get off of. And I would take these breaks to prove to myself that I wasn't like my father. And I could do it. You know, like I could go months without drinking. And so then I would try to monitor. And so I just felt like I was in like moderation hell where I would, oh, I only have two drinks tonight.

That never worked. I would always end up having five or six. And then I'd be the physical hangover. I would just feel awful, physically, so much like inflammation in my body, nauseous. And then looking at my beautiful daughters and just being like, what am I doing? You know, just so much guilt and shame. And in this cycle just went on for years. And yeah, so when I turned 35, my husband and I and one of my best friends and her husband went out to dinner, nothing crazy happened.

And the next day I woke up. And I don't know how to explain that other than everything just finally clicked. I feel like I had an awakening. I feel like I had this deep internal sense. of knowing that this stupid liquid was just never going to satisfy. I had given alcohol so many years of my life, knew the pain it caused. And I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired, you know, like people say. And I just truly surrendered.

And I was like, I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore. And I told my husband, and he was like, forever. And I was like, yeah, I think so. And I mean, he was super supportive. And, you know, that's when I just started throwing myself into downloading podcast, downloading as much sobriety, like, sober stories that I could find that I could relate to. I loved, like, hearing other women share about how they didn't have these crazy rock bottoms because I do think many people can relate to what I'm about. about to say, I think, like, society makes us think we have to have these, like, awful, crazy

rock bottoms like my dad. But the truth is, you don't. And it just keeps you stuck when you keep thinking that you need this awful rock bottom. And praise God, nothing happened bad. Like, I never got to DUI. I never, you know, I never lost my kids. I never lost my husband. Nothing crazy happened. But on the inside, it was crushing. I just felt like I could not get off of this hamster wolf. So that's why now I want to share my story and just, I hope, give women and men, you know, courage to know. You're not alone. You're not crazy.

And alcohol just sucks. Yeah, there you go. That's a good way to put it there at the end. It just sucks. Yeah, it is so interesting, right? Because you bring up that kind of gray area drinking, you know, a fair. new term, I would say, about a way of somebody that's not, you're not experiencing a ton of external consequences at this point. And you hear that progression in a lot of people's stories, right? A lot of

people, you know, maybe through their 30s, everybody's different, but a lot of people are in experienced a ton of consequences. The longer you stay in the fight, longer you dance with alcohol, then the more likelihood that, you know, maybe these other consequences. But you brought up a very important point there, I think, about that internal battle that we go through, about we know it's not good for us. We want to quit. We can't quit. We go through the hamster wheel.

We get on. We get off. Hey, you know, it's great too. You hear a lot of people who experience the gray area drinking. Hey, I was able to quit for two months or three months. And that's always the thing. That's like, how do we stay stop? Because a lot of us can stop for maybe a week or a month.

And then it tricks us a bit. Because, oh, if I can stop for a month, why I don't fit into that box? So there's nothing to see here. There's no problem here. I'll just keep this train moving forward, try to keep it all together. And we just know, I think there's something that's inside of us that we just know that we're not living our full potential when we're involved in alcohol in our life. And of course, it's really hard to for so many reasons.

But a big one is that when you wake up in the morning, this is your opportunity to start a new day, to be excited about it. And when you wake up with the anxiety that is crippling and you don't feel good about yourself, it's really hard to have your best day possible. Oh, gosh, yeah. No, absolutely. I mean, that is so true. And that feeling of that internal dialogue that I've had truly made me feel crazy. I knew not to do it. And yet I kept picking up, you know, the alcohol, hoping for a different outcome. And it's just that definition of insanity. It's just never going to change. I just finally got to that surrendering point where I truly. really, I just, I couldn't do it anymore. And I don't know what else to call it other than like an awakening because I don't even know why that particular day it clicked for me, but it just did. Thank goodness. And I'm so grateful truly. I am like, it is such a privilege. It is not a punishment

to be sober. And I'm so glad so many people talk about it now. And life has just gotten so much better. I'm just so much happier. And, you know, I like who I see in the mirror know. Like, I like that woman I see. And I feel like I always knew she was in there. But when you mask everything with alcohol, I just felt like I was in a constant fog. Yeah, I mean, a constant fog. And not able to really tap into the emotions, what's going on, how we're feeling or be able to work through stuff.

It's just if we're stressed, if we're having a good day, we're celebrating. We're just reaching for alcohol all the time. We're not even really enjoying these little moments or learning how to be resilient and work through stuff. You know, that's what I struggle with is when I first got sober. It was like, hey, this is great. But what I realized early on is, I don't really have any tools about how to deal with life on life's terms.

It was a big struggle. And you bring all that stuff up. And a lot of people share that story, too, about, you know, one thing it just makes sense. But there's also been years before where we're chipping away at the block about how are we thinking about it. Hey, this isn't working. We build up that, that history in a sense that we've tried it all. You hear all the different hacks that we might try. If I'm drinking hard liquor, now I'm going to switch to beer. Or if I'm drinking this,

I'm going to switch to that is a lower calorie option or I'm going to change the time or the days. You know, we hear all these things. And I think what happens over time is we just prove to ourselves time and time again that, hey, this is just going to end up at the same place every time, whether I take 90 days off or I don't take any days off or I only do it on the weekends, I always end up feeling the same way about it. And I think people who can, you know, drink in this moderation place, if they say they're going to have two drinks, you know what? They might not always have two drinks, but I think nine times out of ten, they probably do. And then there's people like me who it's like, hey, if I'm going to have two drinks, if I had two drinks, I was completely just

upset. I was pissed off. I was angry that I couldn't have more. And I was miserable. And it's obviously not like that for everybody. So it's a really, I mean, it's a really great place. And, you know, a ton of people too share that story where we see in the movies that there's got to be this big, huge blowout of all four tires at one time for us to. And, you know, the wild thing is just from hearing a ton of stories, a lot of people don't get sober after those moments. I mean, the writing's on the wall. Of course, we should. Yeah. I mean, look at my life. I've just been arrested or I got a DUI or all this stuff. But the thing is, the more and more consequences that we pile on, I think that it becomes

harder and harder to pull ourselves out because now there's this other thing in our life that we're unable to, you know, accept in our life. And now we've got to try to figure this out. We don't have the tools. And what we reach for is another drink. So it just keeps the cycle going. You know, same thing with me, too. I woke up and I had a ton of consequences I experienced an addiction.

but none of them motivated me to really look internally to say, hey, what's the deal? And I think you got to a place of being honest with yourself about, hey, like the next time's going to be no different than the last. Yeah. You finally have an awareness that it's truly not going to change. Yeah. And yeah. I think like for those eight years that I was drinking, like what I call like the moderation hill, I had been like dipping my toe in. and learning about alcohol and like what it does to the brain and the body, you know, Annie Grace's book, This Naked Mind. I read that probably three years before I actually got sober. And gosh, that's such a great book. It just makes you really start thinking about how alcohol is making you feel.

And there's no judgment. It's just, okay, do it. See how it's making you feel. And sure enough, every time I did, I was like, yep, it's just the same. old feeling every single time. It doesn't change. I feel like crap. Yeah. The guilt is the same cycle. Yeah, it just continues. How were things, so you mentioned your dad who was out of prison there for three years. How was the relationship with him? How did that look? Did you guys connect a lot there afterwards? Yeah, yeah. You know, just to circle back around to that whole when I was 15 in prison when he asked me to

forgive him. I mean, that's when things, thankfully, truly did. change and I really did. I really forgave him and I felt like I could develop a relationship with him. He wasn't physically there obviously. He was in prison, but emotionally, and as odd as that sounds, emotionally he was available for me because I could talk to him about things, which was a real gift. You know, he would say often, you can share with me what you're experiencing because I've either done it or I've thought about doing it. And I'm like, wow, that's so true. You know, I just was really grateful to have got to have that, the physical time with him that I did when he was out of prison. And yeah, it was good.

My mom and him stayed together. I mean, I wish I could share more about my mom, but she's a true saint. You know, she really was just an incredible, loyal, sound woman who just stood by him. And she really loved him. And so when he got out, he came home. And there's a really big adjustment for him to come out of prison and to be in normal life. A lot had changed, obviously. But no, we thankfully, by the grace of God, we really did have a good relationship.

And I'm just so grateful that I know I'll get to see him again. And, you know, he certainly lived a life, you know. He lived a wild, eventful life. Yeah. So your mom was with him the whole time then. That's incredible. Yeah, she really is. You know, I really attribute, I feel like I'm a very loyal person,

and I think I get that from her. I mean, she always saw the best of my dad, even at his worst, you know. I don't think I would have stayed. You know, I think about it a lot. And I'm like, there's no way I would have put up with all that. But she just genuinely loved him and wanted to see the best in him. So I really like that characteristic of her. I am proud that I have that.

She's a love hard person and I'm a love hard person. That's awesome. So if somebody's listening to this episode too and they're struggling to get her stay sober, is there any thoughts that you would share with them? Oh, goodness. Yeah. I think the biggest thing I would say is give sober as many chances is you gave alcohol. That's number one.

You know, you give alcohol so many chances. If you say you don't want to drink anymore and then you have a slip, don't beat yourself up. Just use it as data and keep paying attention to how it makes you feel and just keep trying sobriety. It's not going to go anywhere because I do see somewhere along the way. things just click. I also think community is so important. You know, I got into a sober group. It was such a gift for me. And I found that through Instagram and sober accounts and listening to podcasts like yours and just hearing stories because it was so encouraging for me. And truly, it saved my life, I think. Honestly, I don't think I was going to die from alcohol. Who knows? Because it's progressive.

I mean, who knows what would have happened if I kept drinking. But I just think anyone listening, listen to podcasts. I mean, that is truly what I did. I listened to podcasts constantly. And I found so much strength, support and hope and encouragement through hearing these stories. That's why it's so cool to be able to share. And I really do hope that my story helps someone and just lets them know they're not alone. and that's why I created, you know, my little account, the bright-eyed sober girl,

and that's why I named it that, was to pay tribute to my dad in Honor Hill with the whole, like, bright eyes. I just, I hope and pray that people know they're not disqualified from the love of Jesus. You know, you haven't messed up too much. You haven't done too much wrong because I really felt way. I really felt like I really felt like I have. had just totally screwed it all up. And, you know, this is just a lot.

But if you don't know that, you don't know it. And then you believe these laws about yourself. And therapy has been a big help for me. But having community is just huge. Yeah, I love that. Other people who can, you know, understand and relate to us on this whole journey of what things have been like. And being part of something is massive.

And joining a community is a big step. But as big of a step as it is to join the reward. and the benefits are just as big. I mean, you almost had to put yourself out there. You mentioned, too, there, that, you know, the alcohol wasn't necessarily going to, you weren't going to die from it. You know, it's for a lot of people, I think that's their story. You know, I mean, a lot of people with drinking, I mean, some people can carry on for

an entire lifetime. But it's almost like looking back at our life and in talking with some people that are further along than I am is, you know, even though you're alive, I mean, how alive are you? You know, spend a day in and day out, people's sharing. their, you know, decades of their life spent drinking. And it's like, man, what did I miss out on? You know, and we can't go back. Obviously, we can't go back and we can't change the way things were. But I think moving forward, you know, it's just an incredible decision to even check it out

for people to see if it's something that brings a little bit more joy, a little bit more fulfillment and some purpose to your life. Is there anything else, Ann, that we've missed out on here that you'd like to share about before we sign off? The only thing, just to echo what you're saying, Alcohol did rob a lot from me and I'm sure like people who are listening, they feel the same way. So I would just encourage them to listen to that voice, that deep, like internal voice and just don't be mean to it. Don't judge yourself and beat yourself up. Like just be kind to yourself and just try to take little steps towards the beauty of what sobriety really can be. And you don't have to do it alone.

I mean, goodness gracious, there's just so many wonderful people. out there now like sharing and I've just found personally sharing is where a lot of the shame has died. And I guess that would be the last thing I would say would just like share with someone, you know, whether it's a friend or a pastor or a counselor or a teacher, like whoever, just share with someone how you're really feeling because secrets keep us sick. and, you know, that is not the life you're intended to live. Yeah, so true. Thank you again for sharing your story with us.

Oh, thanks, friend. Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. You're welcome. Well, there it is, everyone. Another incredible episode. Thank you, Ann, for jumping on the podcast here and sharing your story. I'll drop Ann's contact information down in the show notes below so you can reach out

to her on Instagram and let her know that you appreciate her sharing her story and maybe a few of the things you can relate to. incredible story. Sobriety is possible. Recovery is possible. Things do get better. A lot of people have been reaching out recently in the first 30 or 60 or 90 days and maybe not seeing a ton of progress.

But the reality here is, as we can't undo a decade or two decades in 90 days, it takes a little bit of time. So stick with it because the benefits will be there. They will come. And it might not come right away. But one thing I can guarantee you is if you keep going down. the drinking and drugging route, things usually just get worse. I don't know too many stories where things just magically improve. So be proud of yourself about where you're at. Celebrate your

progress. That's an incredibly important one. Celebrate your progress one day, two days, seven days, one year. Celebrate it all. And I'll see you on the next one.