Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Ashley who had her first alcoholic drink at 15 and remembers over-drinking and not completely understanding why.

Episode Date: October 13, 2023

In this episode, we have Ashley who had her first drink at 15 and remembers overdrinking and not completely understanding why.  After high school, it was on to college where binge drinking would become the norm and everyone seemed to be doing it so no massive red flags were raised. Ashley moved through life keeping it together but her drinking escalated over the years and she would start having thoughts that she needed to get her drinking under control.  After years of trying to do this and an accident on New Year’s Eve Ashley committed to doing whatever it took to not drink alcohol for 30 days. This is Ashley’s story on the Sober Motivation Podcast. --------------- Follow Ashley on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sober.lining/ Leave a Voicemail: https://www.speakpipe.com/sobermotivation Follow Sober Motivation on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sobermotivation/ Download SoberBuddy: https://soberbuddy.app.link/motivation More information on Sober Link: www.soberlink.com/recover  

Welcome to Season 3 of the Suburmotivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible, inspiring, and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode, we have Ashley, who had her first drink at 15 and remembers over-drinking and not completely understanding why. After high school, it was on to college, where binge drinking would become the norm,

and everybody seemed to be doing it. so no massive red flags were raised. Ashley moved through life, keeping it together for the most part, but her drinking escalated over the years and she would start having thoughts that she needed to get her drinking under control. After years of trying to do this and an accident on New Year's Eve, Ashley committed to doing whatever it took to not drink alcohol for 30 days. This is Ashley's story on the Sober Motivation podcast.

How's it going, everyone, Brad here? I want you all to be more involved with the show so I added a new voicemail feature. You can get the link in the show notes of this episode and drop a voicemail there for a chance for it to be played on the show. Keep it relevant to what we're doing around here and that'll probably give you the best shot of having it included in the show. Like I said, that'll be down on the show notes

or you can always send me an email and I'd be happy to read it at the beginning of the episode. So can't wait to see what you all come up with. As always, be sure to check out Sober Buddy. We're having a lot of fun over in the groups getting support from each other and helping everybody get some more days sober and some more days in recovery and really making the best out of this entire journey. I host three groups over there a week, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,

and I would love to see you there. There's a bunch of people who are fans of the show that have already joined the app and join the groups, and they're really loving it. So I would encourage you to come and check it out. your sober buddy.com or your sober buddy in your favorite app store. Getting sober is a lifestyle change, and sometimes a little technology can help. Imagine a breathalyzer that works like a habit tracker for sobriety. Soberlink helps you replace bad habits with healthy ones.

Weighing less than a pound than as compact as a sunglass case, sober link devices have built in facial recognition, tampered detection, and advanced reporting, which is just another way of saying it'll keep you honest. On top of all that, results are sent instantly to love ones to help you stay accountable. Go after your goals. Visit soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device today. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got my friend Ashley with us. How are you? I'm good, Brad. How are you? I'm doing well. Thank you for jumping on and be willing to share your story on the show. Yeah, thank you for having me. I'm so honored to be here

with you today. Awesome. So how we start every episode is what was it like for you growing up? Yeah, I had a great childhood. I have a very happy childhood, really close to my parents. We always did fun things like vacation and trips, things like that. And yeah, I never really saw my parents drink. I mean, maybe an occasional beer with some Maryland crabs in the summer. Like, Maryland crabs are like a big deal here. So maybe just like occasional beer and crabs. But other than that, like, I never really saw my parents drink growing up at all. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, I guess we already busted one myth as we started this episode. Some people think that the only way it's going to be a problem for you, too, right, is if you're seeing it growing up and there's stories on both sides to where it is really prevalent in the home and then there's other stories where it's not. And that's the same for my story.

My parents did drink, but I never saw them drinking or even when I was a teenager. I couldn't really remember seeing it. So that's interesting. And did you grow up in Maryland too? You've always lived there? Yeah, yeah. I've always lived in Maryland. My parents actually still live in the same house that I grew up in.

So they've been there for like, I'm 32, but I think they've been there for like 34 years. So, yeah, still in Maryland. My husband and I just moved to a different part of Maryland. But yeah, always have lived in Maryland. Awesome. So what else was going on growing up? Do you have any siblings or anything? Yeah, I have one brother.

He's younger than me. He just turned 30. And yeah, we were close. I were close to my cousins. I have like two girl cousins that we always, I don't. vacation with to the beach and stuff like that. But yeah, my brother and I are pretty close. And yeah, like you said, we had a great childhood, really happy childhood growing up. Yeah, that's incredible. So where do we go from there? So we go into school, into high school,

to middle school. How did all of that look for you? Yes, I actually went to private school, elementary school. Then I was homeschooled and middle school. And then I went to public school for high school. I was 15 years old the first time that I ever drank. And I remember we were at this really big rival basketball game. I don't know if it was like a playoff game or a championship game or something like that where like the whole school was there. And I was on the Fiadaki and lacrosse team. And I remember that the whole lacrosse team was there. I mean, everybody was at this game. It was like a really big deal. And my friend and I were in the back of a car and we were passing around a handle of Captain Morgan. So disgusting, like never drank that ever again. I don't even

know why we were drinking before this game. Like, I don't remember why we were doing this, but this was the first time that I drank. And by the time we were getting out of the car to go into the basketball game, I was totally unable to walk. It had to be carried into the game, which I don't know why people carried me even into the game in the first place. But I was carried into the game when I get inside the game. I remember, like, seeing my whole lacrosse team there, and they were, like, pissed at me and confused, like, what are you doing? And then I remember, like, our principals. I mean, everybody was at this game. And we get inside, and everybody who I was with kind of left me. And I was kind of by myself, like, wandering around the game. I remember, like, thankfully,

my friend's mom came and got me from the game and drove me home to my parents' house. And I am, like, still so drunk. I'm like crawling inside the house and my dad is like so confused and scared. Like he doesn't know what's going on with me. He doesn't know if I'm like drugged or what's happening. And he ends up calling the ambulance and they come and pick me up at the house and a police escorts the ambulance and, you know, me to the hospital. And I get to the hospital. I'm super dehydrated. They give me an IV. I remember doing a breathalyzer and the number was like a extremely high. I don't remember what it exactly was, but I know it was extremely shocking high. And I finally come out of it and come to and I'm faced with like serious consequences.

They're like, you have to either go to AA meetings and write papers on this and like really think about what happened or this is going to go on your record. So obviously I chose to go to AA meetings and I went to a few, had to write stories and I really listened to how alcohol really affected people's lives. And I did take it seriously. But at the same time, I was like, this is the first time I ever drank. Like, I didn't mean to drink that much. Like, that was a really crazy experience. So my first experience with alcohol is pretty intense right away from the jump. Yeah, it sounds like it. A lot of events happen there. So they wanted you to go to AA meetings at 15 and to write a paper. Like the police officer was like, yeah, this is something you need to do.

Or did they actually charged you as something or no? No, they didn't end up charge me because I had two options. I could either go to the A. A.A. meetings and, like, submit papers or I could let it be on my record. So I chose to go to A.A. meetings. Yeah. Yeah, it was intense. What do you think at 15 when you go to an AA meeting?

Honestly, like, I think it was really sad. I mean, I don't remember exactly what stories that I heard, but I do remember, like, it was, like, a really sad place. Like I do remember thinking like, wow, alcohol really can affect your life in a really negative way. But it wasn't enough for me to be like, oh, I'm never drinking again or it didn't make me think like, this is it with alcohol. You know what I mean? Like I was just so young. I was just kind of like I messed up. Like I felt horrible.

My parents were really disappointed in me. You know, I couldn't get my license on time because they were like, that was one of my consequences. Because they were just like, we can't trust you. you need to have like consequence for this. So it was pretty intense. Yeah. So it sounds like you picked up a few things there. Yeah, but I think at 15 too, right, to say that we're never going to drink again. That's probably a hard thing when we're 15 to connect the dots on, right? But you're able to get something out of it and learn how did things go after that? Was that pretty big for you? Like overall, were you pretty good at following the rules? And then this was like one thing that was surprised people maybe? Or no? Yeah, for sure. Yeah. My friend that like it happened with, she was on my lacrosse team and we just like brought out our wild sides of each other for some reason. And it was just like something that we got into. And it was definitely surprising for people, I would say. Yeah. Because then, you know, I did continue to drink after that. Nothing like to that extreme. But like my friends were drinking in high school. So like I was doing this, you know, just kind of following along with what everyone else was doing. But it didn't get to that. extent again after that happened in high school. Gotcha. All right, take us down that road. So after this event, you've picked up a few lessons here and you're carrying on through high school. What was the rest of high school like? High school was good. Like I said, I played Fiodaki and

lacrosse. I loved my Fiorettaki team. Like they were like my core group of friends. Kind of got into like a toxic relationship in high school at a young age and had some like, I don't know, traumatic experiences from that. So that was like hard to work through, but I graduated. And then I applied for colleges and I got into a college that was close to our house because my parents were like, you're not going to go to any colleges that are far from us because they were just like worried that I was going to really get into partying more and drinking and just more of the scene. So I went to like a smaller private college, like maybe 20 minutes from home. I played Fioreki in lacrosse in college, and I got like a small scholarship for Fioreki.

And that was great. Again, loved my team. It was awesome. But this is when I was really introduced to binge drinking was when I got into college my freshman year. That's when it really started to like escalate. Yeah, college. When you mentioned that binge drinking, what does that look like to you? Like describe binge drinking.

So that was when before going out to parties, we would rip a bunch of shots. We would play Power Hour, which is like every minute on the minute the song changes and you take a shot of beer or whatever. So we would do that. Like we would drink really heavily before going even out to a party. So that was like the norm for me. I mean, everybody was doing that. That was kind of like, you know, accepted.

Everyone was doing it. So I was joining in on that. And then most of the time, like I wouldn't even be able to make it out to the party because I drank too much before. Like, I remember seeing a picture of myself on the couch. Like, I had thrown up, like, off the side of the couch. And I was just, like, sitting there like this, my arms crossed. I wasn't able to make it out most of the time.

So it was just, like, really excessive, quickly drinking and getting so drunk. And I did that so many times in college over and over again. Yeah. But it wasn't every day, right? No, yeah. Yeah. So, like, because with field hockey, it was pretty intense. We'd have, like, two-a-day practices.

We'd have games on the weekend. But we were still like going out during the week and the weekend. Like sometimes Thursday, we would go out. I remember like still being drunk from the night before at practice. I remember we had to run the mile like as fast as we could. And I was still drunk from the night before. And like I did great. Like I don't know how like no idea how I survived that at all.

It's just like where I was in life at the time. And it was just like normally. Everyone else was doing it. So I didn't like really see it. as a problem per se in the beginning. But, like, I definitely started to see signs of it becoming a problem, especially in freshman year because my grades started to slip a little bit. My parents noticed that.

And I had to, like, go home for a little bit and kind of regroup. I had to, like, switch roommates because my parents were just like, you need to, like, get yourself together. And I was like, yeah, I know. Like, I need to take this seriously. So I did. Yeah, freshman year was an adjustment for sure. Yeah, no, you hear that a lot too, right?

Because it's a whole different environment. Plus, maybe the supervision is not necessarily there, right, that a lot of us had before. So it's kind of. Yeah. They are free for all your Chinese. Yeah. You're influenced by everyone around you. Yeah, for sure.

When you look back, was there a reason why you had to get into it before the party? I mean, was there anything internally? Like, I know a lot of people talk about social anxiety or being uncomfortable. And that's why maybe they would get started. earlier. Was there anything like that that you can look back on and reflect to? Not really. I think that it was just everyone was just doing that. And I think we all just thought it was normal because we were all doing it together. The team was like just drinking heavily a lot before going out. And we weren't even like going out to bars and like having to buy drinks. Like we would just go to like house parties.

So I'm not really sure why it happened. But I think like back then it was like the cultural norm to do that for some reason. Yeah. No, for sure. Yeah, yeah. I've been there many, many times. So I hear you on that. So going on from here after your freshman year, your parents have a chat with you, you make some changes and how does that look? Again, I feel disappointed in myself for disappointing them and my actions and I really start to reevaluate. I also, like, at this time, like switched my degrees because I was like business administration doing accounting class, which I was doing really bad in accounting class, not doing well in there at all. So I switched to business communication and that was just like a much better fit for me and I liked the classes and I just started to do a lot better

in those and really took it seriously that my parents were like, you have to get yourself together or like, I don't remember if they told me that they were going to pull me out of college or not, but I just remember like I loved where I was at. Like I didn't want to be taken away from it. So I had to figure it out. So my grades were getting better. I switched roommates, you know, She was my college roommate with Fioreki, so we played together on the same team. It was a better fit for me, but we were still going out and drinking. So I think I just figured out how to like manage it more instead of like let it kind of control me because we were still going out the same amount.

And I remember this one week we were drinking like so much. I think it just snowed. Our school was shut down. So like all we were doing was drinking for like days and days in a row. And I do remember internally feeling like I can't keep doing this. I don't like how alcohol makes me feel. I don't like who it turns me into. Like, it always made me really sick.

Like, I'd be throwing up or treating my roommate poorly, like, saying stuff to her. I didn't like who I was when I drank. So I knew internally I was, like, really struggling and feeling like, I can't keep doing this anymore. And then at this point, when I was feeling this way, I actually got invited to a Bible study, which, interestingly enough, like, I was raised a Christian. I went to a Christian school. I went to church and like Sunday school and all those things. And I feel like I was always safe there. It always felt like a safe place for me. And I felt like if I could just get back to that, I could stop drinking. I could change my life. Like at that point, I was like, I just feel like if I do this, this will change my life.

I'm not really like a Christian anymore. I'm more spiritual now. But I got invited to this Bible study in college. I was like, I just need to go and like see what this is all about and just check it out. And when I went there, I actually met my future husband. Like, I met him at the first meeting. We were 19 years old. I remember thinking, like, oh, my gosh, he's so cute. He's funny. Like, he's a Christian.

So, like, we have the same moral compass and, like, upbringing and things like that. Like, we align. I liked him right away. And we started dating, yeah, immediately. And we got engaged actually five months after dating. Wow. Yeah. Love that first sight.

It was, although it was tricky because his upbringing was much different than mine. He was very sheltered. He did not experience the drinking and the partying like I had been experiencing for almost five years. So we were definitely bringing like two worlds together when we were meeting. How'd that go? That was messy. I don't remember drinking around him at first, but my drinking really came out, I would say, in like, party environments, like weddings and weddings. parties because that's when I would drink was at these like party high energy exciting events.

So we can engage five months into dating, two worlds colliding. He's starting to see my drinking, but like I would wake up in the morning and be like, I'm sorry for what I did. You know, sometimes I wouldn't know what I did because I'd get so blackout drunk. So I think it was hard for him because he still loved me and like who I was. But then like this really ugly side of me would come out when I was drinking, which was difficult. I think to deal with. Yeah. And did he mention that to you?

Like, yeah. It's different, right? Another person comes out type thing. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I mean, we definitely talked about it. And I don't think it came out as much in the beginning. Like, so we got married a month after I graduated college in June of 2012. So we were 21 years old at that point.

We go on our honeymoon. It's in Jamaica. It's on an all-inclusive resort. And the first night we're drinking. and I get totally blackout drunk from like drinking all these sugary mixed drinks or whatever. I remember him the next morning saying to me like, I can't believe I married you. Like it was intense. Like it wasn't good.

My drinking and for him, like I said, he didn't experience any of that. He wasn't a drinker like that at all. Maybe he'd have a beer or two. And I'm like still in my partying lifestyle at 21. And from all the years that I was exposed to it with college, I'm like continuing this. So it was really hard to, you know, move past that. Yeah, no, I hear you on that for sure.

Yeah, that's a tough spot to be especially. I think we get to a spot too where we want nothing more than to quit. You just can't quit. I mean, you hear those conversations. You have somebody, your husband there who's, you know, laying this stuff out for you. And I've had a lot of people in my life over the years are like, hey, we got to do things differently here. And you really want to quit. But it just seems to be so short-lived.

It seems to be like in the moment, it's like, yeah, yeah, I know what I need to do. That's what I'm going to do. And then the next day or the next party or the next event comes around. Then it's like, I'm going to take it easy. I'm going to figure it out. It's going to be good. And then bang, boom, we're right back to where we started again, having the same conversation the next day.

You know, it's that cycle. That's scary. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I think like once you're in this cycle and once you're exposed to drinking that many times and you have that same pattern, it's really hard to. change it. If you're still in it, like, it's really hard to change it. So I was definitely struggling with that, knowing that, like, it wasn't good for me. I didn't like how it made me feel. But at the same time, like, it was tricky because my husband and I, we also, like, bonded over alcohol. Like,

it wasn't like every single time I drank. I was, like, getting totally blackout drunk and, like, totally a mess. Like, it was, like, a few times a year or whatever, which was still not good at all. But we felt like it bonded us in a way, which is weird to say. So we just would keep kind of that cycle. And I'd say, oh, I'm going to drink something else next time. I'm going to drink something clear. Or I'm going to drink more water. I'm going to eat more food. It was always trying to like configure this perfect recipe out to make it better, but it never worked. Yeah. No, for sure. Yeah. We try to keep it alive, I think, for as long as we can and whatever we can make sense of in our mind. Anything but realizing that it's a problem, right? The denial is

strong and that's what keeps it going. Yeah. Just like, well, I can figure it out or I used to blame things on different situations or people or jobs or relationships or where I was living or who I hung out with, you know, and when I look back, I was the common denominator in every situation. It wasn't all everybody else. I mean, maybe people influence things one way or another, right? But I still could have made my own choices.

But yeah, it's interesting the efforts and the lengths that will go to try to keep the dream alive that alcohol is going to be maybe like it once was. I was just chasing my tail with drugs. I did a lot of drugs too, with drugs and alcohol of just wanting it to be what it once was. And then it was good until it wasn't good. Like when I first started drinking and maybe when you did it, when I first started doing cocaine at parties and we were just kicking and having a good old time in college, the consequences weren't heavy. Like I would do it on the weekends.

We would have a good time. We would connect. Everybody's like, man, I was crazy. It was great. I felt like I belonged and I was part of something. But it got a lot worse than that. I couldn't keep it there. And it always blew my mind that these other people, I'm like, how do you guys keep it together?

Because you do the same stuff I do, like one or two nights of the week. And then you go back to like living this regular life. And I am personally just obsessed with more of everything. It blew my mind. Yeah, I can definitely relate to that. And also just wanting all that excitement and, you know, never having enough drinks and never having enough excitement. And yeah, like you said, just seeing like everyone else kind of like be fine or be okay, but you're like just totally not.

Like it's interesting how everybody handles it differently and has their own experience with it for sure. Yeah. So where do you go from here? 21. You're married. Married. Congrats on that.

And you're on your honeymoon. You have the conversations. You probably have a couple more hard conversations. I mean, throughout any of this time, did you think like, I mean, I know you're working on the moderation? or working on adding and other stuff. But did you ever think to yourself, like, I got to shut this down. I've got to quit or not yet?

Not yet. No. So it ended up slowing down after that, for sure. And then I got pregnant with our first daughter in 2015. And then, you know, after she was born, then it was like, I didn't drink for a little while after she was born. But then as soon as, you know, she started getting a little bit older, like started sleeping through the night and stuff like that, I felt comfortable.

would have bring drinking back in. I remember like having this wine glass and said like mommy juice on it and like having wine in there and just falling into like then the mommy wine culture. And then my parents would watch her and then we'd have like a free night. So then we would drink. And so then the cycle kind of continued again. And then I got pretty with our second in 2017. You know, same kind of thing. Like at first I wouldn't drink because, you know, she's just born. She's really little. But then. And as time goes on, I start picking up the pattern again. And it just really would go back to my old ways, like, every single time. So I continued a kind of cycle.

I don't remember, like, drinking super heavily when they were younger. Maybe if they were at, you know, their grandparents' house. And then I'd feel like, oh, like, this is like having a break. And, like, it's party time. Let's get wild. And would drink excessively then, like, or, you know, on the weekend or something. But then I'd feel like total crap and hung over. getting the kids back. It was a horrible cycle for sure. And it wasn't until about two years ago,

my husband and I, the kids weren't with us. Again, they were with our grandparents for the week. We went on an all-inclusive trip where it was like this yacht that we were on. Like our family was on this yacht for the week and it was unlimited alcohol and we had drinks from the morning into the night. And like everyone was drinking like this. It wasn't just me. Like it was everybody was like, yeah, let's have drinks. And we'd just. And we'd, have a mosa in the morning or whatever, it would escalate until the night. But I just like always took it to the next level. They said there were never enough drinks. There was never an off switch for me once I started drinking. It was like it had to keep going. So the last night of this trip,

we pull into our dock. We were in Antigua. We pull up to the dock. And at this time, it was COVID. So it was really strict there. Like we were getting our temperature taken every single day. even if we got off the boat for any reason, like we were getting our temperature taken. And if we had a high temperature or whatever and we tested positive for COVID, we'd have to stay in Antigua, which wouldn't have been a good situation. So they really kept the boats separate from everyone else over on other boats. So we get to the dock. It's our last night.

And it's like party night. It's like we made it back to the dock. Like everyone's drinking, even like the crew members because we're just getting back. and they're kind of done, you know, at this point with their job. Other boats on the dock are like they're drinking. Everyone's partying, having good time. And I see this like other boat and they have like lights going and they're really loud. And I'm like, oh my gosh.

Like I always was attracted to where the party was. If they sounded like they were having more fun, like had to go be over there. So I was like going over to this other boat, which I wasn't supposed to be because it was COVID. So I'm like going to party with them. My husband's like, what are you doing? Like, you know, you're going to get in trouble. Like, these people didn't really want me on their boat, but I'm, like, thinking that they love me being there. Like, it's just, like, a mess.

And, like, doing the worm on the dock. And, like, it's just a disaster. And my husband's, like, what are you doing? Like, you cannot be over there mingling with these other people. Like, if you get COVID or they get COVID, like, it's going to be a bad situation. This is not good. So I'm, like, getting mad at him. Like, I'm not understanding what's happening.

because I'm so drunk. And he said that I had hit him, which I have never ever treated him like that ever. Like I respect my husband. I love him dearly, but I was just so drunk and out of it. I don't remember doing that even. He said like the next morning he told me about it. And he sat down. He was like, you have to get this under control. Like this is not okay anymore. The way you're acting. And it really scared me because I was like, I don't want to lose him. Like I don't want to lose my kids. I want to lose my family. Like, I love the life that I have. And like, what a stupid thing to do would be to lose my husband over this behavior. Like, this is not how I am on a normal day-to-day basis. This kind of crazy behavior happens when I'm drinking, right? So he just saw that and I took

it seriously. So at the time, I didn't know that there were alcohol-free life coaches. I didn't know there were sober coaches. I didn't know about the sober space at all. Like, I didn't know that it existed did pretty much. So the only thing I knew at the time was therapy. So I started going to therapy and my therapist basically was trying to tell me that I had a consumption issue and then I could moderate it and if I could control it, that it would kind of be better. Because at the time, too, like, my husband didn't ask me to like completely give it up. He didn't say, like, I want you to stop drinking. He's like, I just want you to figure this out and like treat me better, like when you're drinking.

I'm wondering there for a second, what was your thoughts going into the therapy thing to consume less? I mean, was that a home run for you? Because you're like, yeah, like, this is great. Now I don't have to give it up. Now I can keep this going. Or were you going in there? Like, I really want to just shut it down for good. I honestly didn't go in thinking I was going to stop completely still.

Like I said, I was still kind of like, okay, like, that sounds good. If I can moderate and control it, yeah, that would be better because it was. was hard because like it was such a big part of our life. And it was something that we did on the weekends, drinking with family. Like their whole life on the weekends revolved around drinking. So at that point it was like really hard to imagine completely cutting it out. But I knew that I needed to like work on it. Like I knew I needed help with how I was acting when I was drinking. Yeah. It's interesting though. Yeah, because I've heard that people have that conversation to a therapist before, which I mean, it is what it is, right?

This is kind of my idea. I think if we could control it, if we could moderate it, if we could cut back, I would have already done that before I've come to this place. Like when I look back at my story, my journey, is, yeah, if that was a possibility, and I had already tried that once I got brutally honest with myself, which was like painful in its own, I was like, dude, you've already tried. You've already tried to change a dozen or more areas of your life, whether it be the money you spend, the people you hang out with, what you drink,

where you drink, how you drink, what time you start, what time you finish, what you eat. I tried it all. But I mean, I had to really look inside and be like, yeah. Well, once I got to that spot, I had so much freedom. Once I got out of that trying to control an uncontrollable thing for me personally, a highly addictive substance. I mean, we don't hear people talking about controlling other drugs. My alcohol is a drug.

But when it comes to alcohol, it's like we have this weird conversation. You know what I mean? And I'm not saying it's wrong. Like I think everybody's going to explore moderation before you give it up. I think that's going to be probably part of most people's process. But I'm like, man, when I really looked back, like, I tried. I tried to keep the dream alive that this was going to be something that was going to continue to be part of my life. And when I look back, like, I don't have any regrets how things played out.

But it's like, man, the sooner, the better. Yeah. What do you think? No, absolutely. I 100% agree. How can you control an addictive substance? And the answer is you can't, especially if you've been exposed to it like we were with the exposure of binge drinking so many times. I mean, I probably did it hundreds, if not thousands, probably thousands of times. If you're drinking and you have that

experience and exposure, that's what you're always going to go back to because that's what your brain is familiar with. So I think that's why someone's people who haven't had that exposure, they don't have as much of an issue with it. But if you have been exposed to it and done it so many times, you can't control it. And that's what I learned in those two years is that I couldn't control. Exactly like you said, I wasn't able to either. And my therapist even was like, try to count your drinks and all of that. It was exhausting. Like it was mentally exxed. And I don't want to paint a picture for me personally that it was always bad, you know, like 75 or 85% of time, it was pretty, hey, that's just normal. That's normal stuff. But like the 15% was extreme stuff, you know,

was really, really bad being intoxicated, doing things that are you're not supposed to do. I was doing. And that was the tipping point. That was sort of where things fell out of balance. And I never really knew when those were going to come up because some people were like, was it good days? Was it bad days? What was this? And I was like, dude, if the day ended in a why, I would be interested in doing it. It's just how it went. I wasn't necessarily triggered by good or bad days, it was whatever. They didn't care how the day was. It was the way it was working. And it was really hard for me to feel good, right? Because the alcohol just overtaken the dopamine. And it was like, I just felt blah. And then when you drank, you get pumped. I mean, you're just like a rocket

ship takes off and you just feel good. And then of course, the next day, your rocket ship crashes in the ocean and then you just feel terrible. But so you tried to kind of put some of that stuff into play that was mentioned to you. And after two years, you kind of were like, maybe not for me. I realized it wasn't working because once the drinks were flowing, I would stop caring to count. And I would just, again, go back to my old ways. And I was treating my husband better.

I will say, like, that did get better, which I'm very grateful for because I just had, like, I said, out of control behavior when I would get blackout drunk sometimes. I couldn't, like, communicate. Like, I just really, like, had a hard time. Like, I just wasn't myself when I felt sick all the time, too. So after the two years, it wasn't until this past year, January 1st of 2023, when we had a New Year's Eve party at our house and the kids again with their grandparents.

Thankfully, like, my parents and my husband's parents are like the best. Like, they love watching the kids. Like, it's awesome. So we, you know, get a break. But we have friends and family. And, you know, it's hard too because I just want to mention we were kind of the only ones in our circle for a really long time. I'd say until recently that had kids. Like, we were like the only ones. Like all of our friends were either single or dating or just getting married. We were the only

ones with kids and we were so young. So we still wanted to like be in the party scene and like still have fun because we were still young. But like it was a struggle because at the same time like we had kids, but nobody else did. So I just want to like throw that in there real quick. But yeah, we had friends and family in our house for New Year's. And the first night we're doing like a wine tasting. So everyone's bringing like two bottles of wine and we have so much wine on the table. So we started tasting wine and like the first night I get totally blackout drunk. I think I'm drinking the same amount as everybody else. But like everybody else was fine. I was the only one that got blacked out and I was like throwing up. And then the next day,

it's like New Year's. So I'm like at that time, I'm not thinking I'm not going to drink tonight. Like of course I'm going to drink. It's New Year's. But what am I going to drink so that doesn't happen to me tonight, you know, like we're saying, like, always trying to, like, figure out, like, how can I drink and it be okay? Yeah. So I start drinking, like, selters, and then we start playing drinking games, and then I bring out this, like, huge bottle of champagne, start drinking that, and the ball drops, like, after midnight, everyone's ready to go to bed. And then I say, let's go out for a drunk golf cart ride. And it just, like, snowed. It was icy out. Of course, I'm not thinking about any of this at the time. So I'm sitting in the back. I'm holding like this huge speaker, like blaring music

because that's something I did that was annoying when I was drunk. It was just like glass music, probably some like hip hop or something on and just like viving in the back with my brother. My husband's driving. There's like two other friends in the front. And my husband takes this like really sharp turn. I'm not really holding on. And I fly off the back of the golf cart and I land on my face on the concrete. And in that moment, I have this out-of-body experience where I'm looking down at my body and I'm seeing myself on the concrete,

my face is like on the ground and I see this like pool of blood forming around my head, like this huge pool of blood. And I audibly hear the words, alcohol will kill you one day if you don't get your shit together. I'm hearing this and I'm watching myself on the ground with this big pool of blood around my head.

I'm thinking, oh my gosh, I'm like panicking. I'm like, am I dead? Like, is this sit? Like, what's happening to me right now? So I like go back into my body. My husband and my brother like scoop me off the ground. And I'm just like confused. I'm like disoriented.

I'm kind of like out of it. And I'm like crying. I'm hysterical. And we get back to the house and I basically just like pass out and go to bed. I don't realize that yet. But in the morning I noticed that there's a big bruise on my head. I have like road rash on my elbow. I still have like a scar here from it. And I have road rash on my knee. Like I bruises all over me. Like I'm pretty beat up. I'm just rethinking what happened to me.

And I'm like, what a stupid way to die? Like if I actually would have died, what a stupid way to die? Like I have a beautiful life. Like I have a great relationship with my husband and my kids. I love them so much. If I was going to die, like falling off a golf cart because I was too drunk, what am I doing with my life right now. What is happening? This is not who I want to be. This is not who I want to show up as. I knew I was created for so much more than just like being the party girl and drinking on the weekends. Like I just knew deep down. I wasn't just made for this, right? So I spend January during dry January. So I took 30 days of no drinking. And I was very intentional about those 30 days. I was like, I'm going to learn about alcohol and I'm going to learn what it does to your body because

I didn't know. Like, I totally avoided it. I knew, like, it probably wasn't good, but even healthy people drink and, like, fitness people. And I'm like, it can't be, like, that bad for you, like, in my mind, thinking those things. So I started learning about it. And I'm like, wow, learning how it causes cancer and, like, all these different things. And I'm like, wow, like, this changes my view on it. And I started reading books, listening to podcasts. Like, whatever I could do to educate myself, that's what I did in those 30 days. And I just focused on myself. And I just focused on myself. with exercising, eating healthy. And by the end of those 30 days, I felt so much better physically, mentally, spiritually. It was just amazing how much better I felt. And I was like, I don't want to stop. I just want to keep going. So 30 days turned into 50 and 100.

And I just kept going and just took one day at a time. And yeah, I'm so grateful that that happened to me to really wake me up and make me realize I was made for so much more. than just being the party girl and drinking on the weekends. And I feel so much better. Yeah, wow. That's incredible. What a way to start the new year, right? There's a lot of disasters that seem to happen on New Year's Eve that might send us in one way or the other. Yeah, that's incredible. And then for the 30 days, you notice it. Yeah, because a lot of people wonder how they're going to get off the alcohol, right? Well, you have to get some distance between you and the alcohol to realize how much better you feel. If you can get connected with that, you might not be interested in drinking again and you get a little bit of support along the way. way or go to your meetings or go to rehab or go to therapy or do something really. But that's incredible. You mentioned you feel so much better. Describe that for us. How do you feel better? I think it was the consistency because I would eat healthy. I'd work out during the week and really

take care of myself. But then on the weekends, I was drinking, like usually Friday through Sunday and then just feeling like total crap trying to recover. So I think like the consistency of getting really good night sleeps, working out and like actually seeing results and not sabotaging myself and, you know, not drinking on the weekends and then eating like crap late at night. When I removed all of those things, my body was, I guess, recalibrating and getting back to its normal state. And I just started feeling more energized. I had like a lot of intuition. Like I just knew what the right path was for my life. Things got so clear for me. It was like, it was crazy. happen really quickly. Today I'm 276 days sober. So like you said, it's been a quick journey for me,

but it's been so solidifying and like, this is where I'm meant to be. This is how I'm supposed to live. And I wouldn't even consider going back because my life has just improved so greatly since then. Yeah, that's incredible. It's so, I don't know the right word for it, but it is a strange thing that in one year, 276 days, you might have noticed more growth than you did in the pre-weas. is 10 years. I'm saying maybe, I don't know for sure, but a lot of people will kind of report on that that they're noticing a lot of growth and say 365 days sober their first year, then maybe the last 10 years of their life doing this, you know, because you get stuck in that cycle like you're mentioning, right? All week, you're looking after kids, you're busy, you're maybe working, you're doing

all that stuff. Then the weekend is like your time to do hobbies to, you know, fill your cup back up for all of us to fill our cup back up before we get back into the week. And we're like literally draining it even further. Like drinking, like we just don't feel good. And I mean, the older you get to, it lasts longer. It hits harder. And it just has so much negative to it. I mean, maybe there is positive stuff to it.

I don't know. We do it. So there must get something out of it. I know it's like this blanket statement of like there's nothing positive about drinking alcohol. It's like, I get that. It's not healthy. But there's got to be a reason. I mean, addiction there, why we keep going back to it.

Right. So it has got to be providing for me anyway. It was providing some sort of. in my life, you know, maybe until it wasn't, but then I was addicted, so I kept going. So it had its place and a purpose at one point, but walking away and putting it down, I mean, like you share, like so many other people share, it makes such a massive difference. I mean, it's incredible. It is.

Yeah, it is amazing. Yeah, because then I also discovered my passion and purpose for life, essentially through it. Three months into it, I learned about like a coaching program. discovered that you could help people who struggled like I did. And once I learned about that, I was like, wait a minute, there's actually like a career path for somebody to help people who struggle with alcohol just like I did. Like that struck me as the most amazing opportunity I could ever think of because I know that there are people out there that I'd struggle with it like I did. And it's not even like that I was an alcoholic, that I was living under a bridge with a paper bag of

alcohol drinking out of it. Like, it wasn't that. But I was in the gray area where I was, you know, the party girl in college and it kind of continued throughout my life and as an adult. And realizing, like, that I could help people through it was just the most amazing gifts I could think of. And really just to like give back and to help people. So I became an alcohol free coach through all of this. And I really believe like I've discovered my purpose and passion for life to help others. And it's just been like the most rewarding thing ever. And like you said, I have accomplished so much more than I ever have in my life with drinking. It's amazing. Once you remove that one thing, your whole world opens up and it gets so beautiful and bright. And maybe you can't see it in the beginning. And maybe if you're

in it, you can't imagine it. But I just encourage people, just take the break. Just see what happens. Like see how much better you can feel. See what your life can look like without it. Like, it's just amazing. Yeah, that's awesome. And finding a purpose about, you know, giving back and helping others is a very important part of the journey. But yeah, I love that. You know, take a break from things and see how you feel. I mean, really get honest with yourself and get connected with how better you feel. And I mean, evaluate a couple areas of your life, your relationships, your spiritual, your career, your friendships with other people. If you have a significant other loved ones, how are those things improving? How are things with your kids improving? You know, your physical health, your

mental health. I mean, all of these areas are affected. You know, a lot of people, too, share about anxiety. I mean, decreasing so much, feelings of hopelessness, decreasing so, so much. It's just incredible. It is amazing. Yeah, every area kind of just really does improve. And you can be the light for so many other people and not even really realize it or think about it, but other people notice the changes in you too. And, you know, a lot of people around you might be struggling. You don't know what they're going through and you can really be an example and a light to others. And to be able to help other people, I think is just like so huge in the process. I know all my relationships have gotten so much better, especially with my husband. Like, we're not having those random nights where I'm like,

not with it and blacking out and having random arguments or disagreements. Like, none of that is happening. And then, you know, my husband, he didn't join me on the journey at first, but now he has and he's one once sober. So even for the people out there that are like, I can't stop drinking because my spouse still does. And like, that's what connects us and bonds us. I would challenge you to think like, why don't you give it a try, take a break. And then your spouse might follow with you and join you. Because yeah, now my husband is and he's like, I get it. He's like, I feel so much better too. And he's watched my journey and how I've transformed and changed. She's like, wow, you've grown into such a beautiful different person. He's like, I can't help but notice that. And

He's like, I want that for my life too. So you just never know who you're inspiring around you by going on this journey. And it just like is a ripple effect. Yeah. Wow. That's incredible. One luck. Yeah.

And I think too, a lot of times, you know, we share about how everything's externally improved. But I think the most important thing is we really get to come home to ourselves. The relationship with ourselves improves so, so much in so many different areas, which I think is just incredible because that's one that we're disconnected from. I think when we're drinking. We're not connected to ourselves. And that is that fog, right?

Everybody talks about like the fog lifting after 30, 60, 90 days. It's like that clarity comes back in that you mentioned too. So that's incredible. What would you say to somebody who's listened to the show that's like, I just can't figure it out? I'm struggling really bad to stay on the sober path. I would encourage them to find a community that can help uplift them, someone who they can talk to, to really get into community.

Because I think that helps when you realize you're not the only. one that struggles with it. There are so many other people that are struggling or that have struggled that can help you along the way. So just like find community that's helpful that, you know, inspires you, that lifts you up. And just to take one day at a time and just to really dig deep into what beliefs and thoughts that you have run alcohol. You know, I think sometimes when we bring those to light too, we realize that those aren't really true thoughts. that we believed about alcohol. When we really bring it to light and look at it for what it is, it's like, wait, that's like not actually true. So I encourage people to also just look at what you're

believing about alcohol. Is that true? And how can you turn that around into a more positive uplifting, encouraging thought that's going to help you in sobriety, that you can just either say every day or like write it on a post it and look at it in your mirror or have it on your phone? Just like having an affirmation to really solidify new thoughts and patterns into your brain is like so, so important on this journey. Yeah, no, those are incredible. Yeah, get connected with other people, right? When you're stuck in it, you can feel really alone.

Like, I'm the only person who's going through it. I'm the only person who deals it. Nobody understands. Nobody cares. And the reality is there's tons of people out there who understand and there's tons of people out there who care. And you get plugged in and you get some support. You know, this whole doing stuff on our own is just keeping us stuck.

Literally, it just keeps us stuck that we just want to do all this stuff on our own. I did this post. Like, this was a while. But you can get sober on your own, but you don't have to. And that's really going to be a game changer for people. And I've been running community meetings for the last year. And I worked in rehab for six years. And we had a community, a therapeutic community.

And without the community, people don't move forward because you need the accountability. You need the stories. You need the connection. Without it on our own, it's like being stuck on ice and just burning rubber. So get plugged in and take that first chance on yourself. Put a little bet on yourself to get out there and do it, right? And get involved with something. Everything about what if and what could happen.

I'm sure you went through that too. You know, what am I going to do here? What's this going to look like? And it's like, dude, just stick with it for another day. That's it. Another day. You can do anything for a day. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, that's such good advice, Brad. Yeah, just keep going. Just take one day at a time. You can do anything for a day. It's so true. It is amazing. Once you realize and you make the decision and not even that you have to say forever, because I think a lot of people might think like,

oh, I can never drink forever. And that's so scary to them. But I think even just saying just one day at a time is so much easier and gentle, even on your mind and your brain to like be like, okay, just one day and the next day. And they just really add up to many days, which is so beautiful. And it's on 276 to be exact. I know. Nobody's counting, right?

Yeah. It adds up. The daunting task of stringing days together at first, that's what it feels like. It feels daunting. It feels like it's never going to happen. But then you look back and you're like, my goodness, I mean, it happened. Like it actually works out. People do, you know, get sober, stay sober, don't drink, whatever it is.

It does work out one day at a time. Yeah. I mean, just do that. And some days are going to be easier than others. Some days are going to be tougher than others. And you'll make it through. Everybody listening, you'll make it through. You'll figure this out.

But you have to stick with it. Yeah, you do. And it really is like a healing journey because then you do have to discover, you know, why you've been drinking and what kind of you've been numb. for a while, but once you get through all that, and it's totally possible to get through all that, like you said, your life just gets more beautiful without it. Like, I've never met anybody that said, I regret giving up alcohol. Like, I don't know anybody that's ever felt that way or said that because your life just,

like, gets so much better when you stop drinking. It's amazing. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And it might take some time, too. I mean, some people things get worse, right? Because we have to deal of all those emotions that we've been avoiding for however many years

for everybody's story and then they all kind of pour in. Things can get a little bit heavy for a bit. But you got to stick with it. I mean, find new ways to work through that stuff, which there's resources right now in today's world. There's more resources today than there's ever been. And that's probably going to be true for tomorrow. There's probably going to be newer stuff coming out tomorrow

in a year from now than there has ever been. It's just the way things are going. So get plugged in somewhere. But thank you so much, Ashley, for coming on the show and sharing your story. Thank you, Brad, for having me. I love being here today. I really appreciate it. it. Of course. If somebody wants to track you down after the show, how could they do so? On Instagram,

you can find me at Sober Lining. Perfect. What another incredible episode. Very grateful for Ashley to come on here and share her story with all of us. Be sure if you could connect with it, relate to anything, or just want to cheer her on with her journey. Be sure to check her out on Instagram at Sober Lining. And if you haven't left a review yet, do that. Leave a review. And if you want to leave a voicemail, leave a voicemail. Let's get everyone involved. Let's keep doing this dang thing. One day at a time. Let's drink some days together. Let's feel good about ourselves. Let's make some changes. And let's show up in this world the best person that we can be. That's what it's all about. So I'll see you on the next one.