Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Brooke’s addiction took her to a very dark place and asking for help was the first step out.

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

In this episode, Brooke shares her rocky journey with addiction which began in her teenage years following the loss of her father. Raised in a close-knit family, she first turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism during this painful time. As she grew older, her drinking habit escalated. Despite facing further life challenges, including a battle with cancer, Brooke continued drinking, often to cope with both physical and emotional pain. After hitting rock bottom, Brooke courageously chose to ask for help and entered a rehab program. Now over 400 days sober, Brooke is grateful for her new life and aims to support others dealing with addiction and this is Brooke’s story on the Sober Motivation podcast. -------------- 👉 Follow Brooke on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/brookekohl/ 👉 More information on SoberLink: www.soberlink.com/recover 👉 Grab Charmaine's ‘Delicious & Doable ~ Recipes For Real and Everyday Life’ Cookbook: 👇 https://www.amazon.ca/Delicious-Doable-Recipes-Real-Everyday/dp/1989304559 👉 Check out the Sober Motivation Shop: Click HERE

Welcome back to Season 3 of the Suburmotivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode, Brooke shares her rocky journey with addiction, which began in her teenage years following the loss of her father. Raised in a close-knit family, she first turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism during this painful time. as she grew older, her drinking habit escalated. Despite facing further life challenges, including a battle with cancer,

Brooke continued drinking often to cope with both physical and emotional pain. After hitting rock bottom, Brooke courageously chose to ask for help and entered a rehab program. Now with over 400 days sober, Brooke is grateful for her new life and aims to support others dealing with addiction. And this is Brooke's story on the sober motivation podcast. The holiday season can be particularly challenging for those in early recovery. With increased social drinking parties and family gatherings, triggers are everywhere. Soberlink is a high-tech breathalizer device designed to keep you on track. Devices are remote so you can take it with you on the go and scheduled tests mean there are no surprises.

During each test, Soberlinks facial recognition technology verifies your identity, ensuring the correct person is testing. Your test results are then sent instantly to contacts you've chosen. you rebuild trust and stay committed to your sobriety throughout the busy season. Stay sober and rebuild trust this season with Soberlink. Visit Soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device today. And I have to give another huge shout out to our new other sponsor. Charmaine, cooking show host and author of delicious and doable recipes for real and everyday life.

Charmaine prides herself on living a drug and alcohol-free lifestyle, and she's also a huge fan of the Super Motivation podcast. So if you're hungry for fun, delicious, and doable dishes, Charmaine's collection of over 70 mouthwatering recipes will be sure to please your hungry gang. Pumpkin muffins with coconut crumble toppings, lemon walnut, tuna melts, cranberry turkey burgers with sweet horseradish mayo,

and grilled chocolate sandwiches are just a few of the fabulous and flavorful dishes you will enjoy preparing and devouring with ease. Check out Charmaine's cookbook today. I'll drop the link in the show notes below to the Amazon listing before we jump into this episode, Brooke's story, which is incredibly powerful. I just want to let everybody know that we do discuss a suicide attempt in this episode. Now let's get right to it. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast.

Today we've got Brooke with us. Brooke, how are you? I'm great. Awesome. Thank you so much for reaching out and being willing to share your story here on the podcast. What was it like for you growing up? I actually had a really wonderful childhood, super close-knit family, my mom, dad, me, and my two sisters. I played a lot of sports and was really involved with that kind of thing growing up.

And my parents were really supportive of me. I didn't have any exposure to drugs or alcohol in the home. But things changed when I was around 15 years old. My dad got sick with cancer and he ended up passing away. So that was just really tough for me because my dad was my best friend. He was my softball coach and just the person I basically went to for everything. So losing him took my life in a completely different direction than I ever could have imagined. Yeah, when we lost him, I basically just didn't really caring more.

I had never had a drink or smoked or anything before that point. And after he passed away, I wanted to do everything. I wanted to drink. I wanted to smoke. I wanted to be bad. And the first time that I drank, it was like I fell in love with it instantly. I can't really explain the void it filled, but it's just that emptiness didn't matter when I was drunk. And then when I got sober again, it was like all I wanted to do.

to do was be drunk. So it became this vicious cycle very early on and it didn't stop for 20 years. Yeah. Wow. It's such a tragedy, especially at 15 when, like you mentioned there too, your dad was your best friend who you went through for everybody and then that is gone and that whole experience too. I haven't been through it as far as my parents, but I can only imagine that it was very traumatic for you to go through it. And I know in the email that you had sent me, you had mentioned that your father opted to go through the process at home, and that was extremely difficult and in a different experience for you, too. Yeah. So having him at home, he wanted to be at home, not at the hospital. And that was a blessing for our family because we knew that he was comfortable and safe. So it was a

wonderful experience, but at the same time, it was very traumatic. Watching your hero, he was, you know, six, maybe two, 250 pounds, and by the end, he was 130 pounds, and he couldn't talk or see or communicate really in any way. It was just really devastating to watch the process happen, and for a 15-year-old, it's just, you know, going from this wonderful, charmed, perfect life to that, it was just a shock, a really big shock. I grew up also in church with a really strong faith, and I feel like that was a turning point in my faith as well. I didn't understand why God would want to take away my favorite person in the world. It felt like an attack on my soul. And it was really

hard for me to see at that time. Everybody else was hurting too. But in my little world, it was like everything was crashing in around me. And yeah, my only escape was alcohol. It became so important to me so early on. Yeah. This is at 15. So you get introduced to alcohol. This is through school friends or something like that. I was seeking it, you know. Like I said, before he passed away, I really didn't have any desire. It was all about sports, family stuff, church. And then after that, it was like, I was being good. I was trying to be good before.

And then after it didn't care, it was like, where's the party? How do we get booze? I want to smoke weed. I want to do this. I want to do that. And I found it. I was drinking at school. I was drinking after school.

I was ditching school to drink. By the time I turned 18, I live in a little. in South San Diego and we're like 15 minutes to the border. So by the time we turned 18, it was like, it's legal drink down there. So we would cross the border and go down to TJ, basically every weekend and drink legally. It was really easy.

In a place like San Diego, it's just, there's so many opportunities to drink. And there's even bars where they like don't card you. It's, we didn't have a hard time finding it, basically. So down to Mexico then when you were 18? Yeah, basically between the ages of 18 and 21, that's what we did for fun. It literally was like a 15-minute trip to the border and then 20 minutes, you know, get in the cab and down with the bars and the clubs. And a lot of the clubs down there, girls drink for free too.

So it was really easy. Yeah, wow. So where do you go from there? You turn 18. What do you do after high school? This is another kind of interesting aspect. I was a softball player in high school, and I ended up having a scholarship offer to Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo. And I just didn't even follow up on that.

I didn't care anymore. It was like, without my dad, none of it meant anything. So I let that go down the drain. I think I enrolled in community college and just didn't go. At that point, it was just party time. I didn't have any more responsibilities with school, and I just wanted to drown it all out. A couple pretty crazy things happened during that time. I was drinking with my friends at the beach, and we got drugged, basically.

These guys offered us. We were just walking down the boardwalk, and they offered us some beers. We go up. It wasn't beer. It was mixed drinks. Last thing I remember is drinking that, and then that was DUI. I don't remember any of it. They found me parked on a freeway on ramp, literally just in the lane.

I woke up in jail. So that was my first legal thing that happened. And then a couple years later, when I was about 20, I was, and then another drinking-related thing happened. I was with my boyfriend and some friends at a party. And we got into a really insane car accident where we veered off the road through a guardrail chailing fence down at his house. So that ended up with me breaking my femur and my ankle and a really serious injury where I had to learn how to walk again. So by the time I was 20, these two major life things had already happened. And it didn't stop me at all.

I didn't care, not even in the slightest. So those two things should have been a wake-up call and could have been a wake-up call, but I didn't relate it to drinking at all. It was just like, oh, this thing happened. a couple people that had DUIs. So, you know, nobody really acted like it was a drinking problem thing either towards me. So it didn't slow me down. Yeah, I hear you on that. So at this point, in your life, yeah, you're starting to experience some pretty serious consequences for sure for this. I mean, dangerous situations as well. And nobody's mentioning anything to you. Not really at that point. I remember one time my grandpa, when I got suspended from school,

for drinking at school. And I'll never forget this, but I got suspended. And he took me, I forget, oh, like, Denny's or something. And I'm like, yay, Denny's. This is not a punishment. But he basically was telling me, you know, Bricky, I know you're young right now, and this is hard for you to see, but if you keep consuming alcohol the way that you are now,

it's going to become a problem later. And so that was like my first talk that I had. I think with my family situation, my mom, she was grieving the loss of my father, her husband of 27 years, and I didn't look at it that way. Like I said, it felt like I was only one in pain, but she wasn't aware of a lot of the things I was doing. The DUI, obviously, that's a blatant thing that happened. But the fact that I was drugged kind of covered up the fact that I was drinking in the first place because it was like I was a very very. victim of that, you know, which I was, but I was drinking in the first place. I was 17 years old, was seeking out alcohol. So it's kind of like things got covered up by other things, and we

were all grieving anyway. So it was just kind of muddied, you know? Yeah. At this point, you're not even thinking, right? You mentioned a little bit earlier. You're not even thinking about alcohol being the problem or being a problem for you. Not really. And then So this isn't even crazier part. That accident resulted in me getting a settlement for a quarter of a million dollars. So that money was kind of like my other ticket to not having any responsibilities and doing whatever I want. It carried me quite a ways without having to have a job or anything. I was the party girl.

Hey, whatever anybody wants, I got it. I bought myself a new truck and a boob job. and then I was even more of the party girl, and it just went on and on. I didn't have to have a job. I didn't really, my mind wasn't in that place. It wasn't until that money ran out that I was like, uh-oh. And so then I did get a job.

And I managed to keep my job through most of my drinking career until, you know, kind of, well, we'll get into that later. I'm just wondering here, too, that's a bomb. That's a big bomb, right? Yeah, getting the settlement, now you're really in a position to where you don't have to show up for a job and show up for stuff. And, you know, you've got the cash, right? So now the party's on. How did that all play out?

How did you end up with a settlement from that accident? So I've always been like the accident prone one, the Murphy's Law person. If something's going to happen, it's happening to Brooke. And I'm not saying that as a woe is me thing. It's just this is how my life has always been. and I've broken all the bones, I've had all the stitches. If there's something that's going to happen, like on a family trip or just in life in general, if my mom's going to get that phone call, it's going to be Brooke.

So she's always kind of taken whatever, my mom is an angel. She's always taken whatever precautions she can just because she knows that I am who I am. So she had what's called an uninsured motorist policy, and it would be. protect me in the case of an accident. And that's where that money came from. I basically had to write a letter about how it changed my life and all that kind of stuff. And they awarded me $250,000. Okay. Gotcha. Now that makes sense. Then you're emerged in the party. I mean, how long does this last for? Well, I was always in a relationship. And it was always with somebody else that liked to drink as much as I did or smoke or I really like to smoke weed in the beginning. So my first boyfriend,

we smoked weed together and we drank together. And then my next boyfriend was an alcoholic, so we drank together. And I always put myself with somebody that wouldn't question my drinking. That was a purposeful thing that I did. I didn't want to be with anybody that might think it's weird that I drink so much. So I was always with somebody who drank as much as me or more than me. so it kind of just didn't seem weird, you know. So I worked. I managed, I was like a functioning alcoholic. And in my 20s, I wasn't to the point where I was drinking every single day.

It was kind of more still a party thing on the weekends, maybe a couple days during the week. There was another arrest that happened. I was at the river with my friends drinking again, of course. So now this is the third thing. Got in an altercation with a girl at the bar. and there happened to be a police officer in the bar, weirdly. And I had smacked some shot glasses off the bar and caused a big old scene. So I was arrested for that in a different state.

I was charged with... Initially, they were going to charge me with assault and disorderly conduct, but they dropped the assault, so then it was just disorderly conduct. That was my first thing that was like on my record. Well, actually, besides the DUI. The second thing. Other than that, I managed to skate by throughout my 20s. My drinking wasn't so bad that it wasn't so bad that it was affecting my work life or my friendships or anything like that. Each year I was drinking more and more. I for sure will say that.

But I wasn't like aware that I had a problem at all during my 20s. It wasn't until my early 30s where I was like, okay, this is a problem. Kind of in the back of my head, not that I would admit, out loud, but it was scaring me a little bit in the back of my mind. Yeah, I know I hear you on that. This quote I heard a while ago kind of reminds me a bit of your story here. I didn't get in trouble every time I drank, but every time I got in trouble, I was drinking. Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. Yep. That checks out for sure. Yeah. So you're in these relationships. I mean, we're going to probably find people and attract people that are mirroring, you know, our behaviors, right? And how we're kind of operating day to day.

So having those people is maybe a subconscious way of just sort of enabling what we're up to and what we're doing. You don't want anybody to mention, hey, this might be a problem or hey, you should try to, you know, make changes. So that's interesting. So where do you go at, you know, your 20s? You kind of shared a little bit about that. There's those consequences you're progressing a little bit here. But it's not having an overwhelming impact on your day-to-day operations. Does something change in your 30s?

You start to think a little bit about, there's a problem here. What does that whole thing look like when you first start to think? Well, maybe there's something going on here. So in my early 30s, that's when it started escalating to not just drinking on the weekends, coming home and drinking every night. I never drink at work.

Maybe if I had a job that I could get away with that at, but I didn't. Never drank at work. Like I said, I still managed to wake up every morning and get there, as painful as it was sometimes. But it was like on my mind at work. And right when I get off, I'm going to the liquor store. In my head, there was no extracurricular activities or events that I could do that didn't involve alcohol. If there was an alcohol there or if I couldn't be at home drinking, like it probably wasn't going to happen. My world got a lot smaller. It became my crutch for everything. And I'm still struggling at this point. It was the loss of my father. It was one of those things where I kind of just never stopped grieving. And when I look back now, I think I leaned on that sadness as a reason to drink.

It gave me a reason to be the sad girl who needed the alcohol. So that was kind of like a vicious cycle. And this whole time, I'm going to church here and there, but it wasn't. like as an important as it used to be to me. And that's because I knew I was doing something wrong and it was like the guilt and the shame. And I didn't want to face anyone with it. I didn't want to face God. I didn't want to face my family.

I was just hiding from everyone at that point. And I moved to the beach. So my family's a little bit off the coast. And I moved to the beach. So I was a little bit removed from them. And then I could really get away with it because I wasn't around the people who really would notice and care. And that's when things really started. That's when missing days of work and lying and, you know, just all the bad behaviors started to happen. Letting down friends and family. Just not caring.

As long as I was drinking, as long as I could get drunk, I didn't care. Who it affected? It didn't matter to me at that point. Yeah. How were you feeling personally throughout? this stage in your life? I was starting to get scared. So the drinking escalated. It wasn't just on the weekends anymore. And then around this point, I would say maybe 32, 33 is when I started to notice that when I stopped drinking, I would get sick. And so that's when I knew just by Googling.

I hadn't gone to any meetings or anything, but I was in like the danger zone. I would get all the symptoms, the sweating, shaking. rapid heartbeat, feeling like I was going to pass out, throwing up, like, all the withdrawal symptoms. They were happening in full force. I didn't know how dangerous it was to just stop drinking like that when you're drinking as much as I was. There was a couple times looking back now where it was like I should have been in detox and I was just like laying in my bed sweating and crying. So that happened a couple times when I took it too far or just realized that the drinking. was out of control and I would try to stop by myself, not telling anyone how serious it was.

And you know, this is when the cycle of I'm never doing this again. That last time was so crazy. You know, the promises you make to yourself and the pleading with God to help you not do it again. You know, it doesn't work when you're trying to do it by yourself. It just doesn't work. So that went on over and over again for a couple of years. and then this is when the really life-changing stuff happens. So my whole life I was afraid that I would get cancer

or that somebody I love would get cancer just because of the trauma that I went through with my dad. It's like my biggest fear in life is that. And so I started having some symptoms. This was when I was 35. Started having some symptoms and some like pain in my stomach and I kind of thought it was drinking related and maybe it was just like need to slow down, but then I could feel something, so I go to the doctor,

and he runs some tests, didn't see anything in my blood work, and then does a CT scan, and I get the call that they think I have cancer. And when I got that phone call, I literally fell to my knees, like in the movies. I fell down and on my knees crying. And it kind of just perpetuated that everything happens to Brooke thing that I always felt my whole life. And it just was a really shocking moment and a really, you would think, wake up call kind of a moment. So after that, it was just a series of things that I never even thought my body could handle. I went through a five-hour surgery where they removed the cancer, and at the same time, it was a hysterectomy.

It was ovarian cancer, so they removed all of my reproductive organs and all of the cancer. And when I woke up, I was in menopause at 35 years old. So you would think that a diagnosis like this might slow somebody down in terms of the drinking, but this is when my drinking is, it's worst, actually. I think that like the pain and fear that I felt all my life with the grieving process, now it was like I was grieving my former self because I knew the life would never, ever be the same after that. After that, it was chemotherapy and losing my hair and blood clots in my leg and just things that my body went through that I still suffer with today.

I knew that my body was just never going to be the same again and it was pretty devastating. and not just my body, but like life in general. Somehow, miraculously, I went through all the chemotherapy and I, some maintenance treatments after that just to make sure that the cancer cells were all killed and gone,

and then they did a CT scan after that, and the cancer was gone. So somehow, some way, mind you, I'm drinking the entire time. I'm literally drunk at chemo sometimes. Like, this is dangerous territory that I'm in. Mixing alcohol with drugs and whatever pills I had to be taking during the whole time. It was really scary stuff.

Like, withdrawing, like, literally withdrawing and doing chemotherapy at the same time. Or still having alcohol in my system and doing chemotherapy. The fear and like the physical pain and the mental anguish that I felt during this whole battle just rocketed my alcoholism even further. It was a really crazy time in my life, but like the chemo and the cancer kind of masked the alcoholism. Like I was cancer girl now instead of being an alcoholic. Incredible that you made it to the other side of this, but a very tough process to go through, I'm sure. Did anyone pick up on any of the signs of the alcohol during these other meetings or treatments? Yeah, I was going to get into that next, but this is the time at which everyone started to notice because there was no hiding anymore.

I needed to be taken care of as far as the cancer aspect was concerned. Kemo made me so weak and, you know, you need someone to take care of you during that time. So I moved back home and my sisters and my mom and really everyone that loved me and my best friends, I have three really best friends that I've been my friends my whole life throughout all of this. One of which had no idea I was an alcohol. That's how good I wasn't hiding it. But anyway, during this time, there was really no hiding from anyone and my alcoholism was kind of under a microscope at that point.

People started to notice how far it had gone. And I think that I got away with it a little bit because, oh, she's been through so much. I'm talking now after I'm in remission. She's been through so much of, you know, we all deal with things in our own ways. But then it got to the point where it was like, no, we can't let her keep drinking anymore. because they saw me getting sick. They saw the ways that I would, the things I would do and say they weren't me, you know, and I was damaging relationships.

I was hurting everyone. I was scaring people. I was drinking and driving, which I had never done. Ever since that first DUI, I was terrified to drink and drive, so I didn't for years and years. But then at a certain point, I didn't care anymore. Just things that mattered to me didn't anymore. I wasn't praying or talking to God. or going to church. I didn't care about any of that. It was like the cancer and the chemo and all of that

was another excuse to drink more and to be sad. And this is why I'm drinking because that happened. But people weren't having it anymore and it was to the point where they weren't allowing me to drink. Like my car was taken away from me and my keys and you're not going to the store and you're not doing this, you're not doing that. And so then I was getting sick even more. from not being able to drink and I was having to sneak around and steal it or find it however I could and things got pretty desperate and miserable. Yeah. Was there any idea of you going to get help for this? Kind of. I mean, some people had mentioned like maybe you should go to rehab or maybe this

or maybe that, but I wasn't having it. Yeah, that's an interesting question because maybe people didn't see exactly how bad it was for them not to be like, demand. that I go, that didn't come till later. They just wanted me to stop. Yeah, I might be wrong here on this guess, but you probably wanted to stop. I think we all get to that point. We want to stop in a sense. There's part of us that wakes up every morning feeling terrible, and then we have those

thoughts, maybe not the biggest ones, but, you know, I would like to live a different way, and then that's maybe drowned it out. I don't know if that's something that you experienced at that time. I was desperate for it to be over. I was desperate for it to be over, but it was a dependency at this point. It was a physical thing now. It was past the point of being fun. There was nothing fun about it anymore.

It literally at this point, it was, I don't want to be sick. I need this, or I'm going to be sick. And I was over being sick. I was just sick for a year. I was just doing the chemo thing and throwing up and being sick. and it's one thing masks the other thing, and it's alcoholism and cancer together. It was misery. 100% misery.

But at this point with the drinking, it was just covering up physical pain. Now it was covering up, not just the mental issues, not just the emotional pain, not just the grief. I was physically just so shot. My body was, you know, my arms hurt from having the IVs and my legs hurt from, I ended up with blood clots in my legs. It just was, every inch of my body was just so weakened. I felt like I aged maybe 20 years in the six months that I was doing the chemo. I don't think people really realize chemo sucks. Everyone knows that.

but it doesn't stop when chemo's over. It changes your body for the rest of your life. I have joints that still ache, and my feet and hands have neuropathy. My leg has, I forget what it's called, but a blood clot that healed in my leg, so my leg swells up whenever I walk too far. And I just couldn't deal with any of it. I didn't want to deal with any of it, and so I drank. And we all know this vicious cycle where it's, you drink to feel better, you drink to take the anxiety, And then it causes more pain. It causes more anxiety. So you drink more to cover it up.

And it's a vicious cycle that goes around and around and around. It's madness. A hundred percent madness. Yeah. I mean, a great way to put it too. And it sounds like you connected when you were 15, which with that story with your father, that you connected the alcohol to the escape. And that really took a good strong hold on your life. And then that kind of continued up till now 35. So 20 years, things progressed maybe slowly, right? Like it didn't go, you know, way over top overnight. It progressed slowly. And then you get to this point of dependence, right? You get to this point of dependence, which a lot of people who consume alcohol, I don't think they're going to get to this dependent stage of alcohol to experiences, these withdraws. There are going to be people who do,

of course. And when you get there, it's very scary because like you said, you can actually die and a lot of people do from these cold turkey withdrawals from alcohol it can be very dangerous and you know you googled it right that's our first little thing is to google what's going on right and where do you go from here though so 35 so are you still at you still at your mom's place what is your relationship like too with your mom and your sisters they're terrified they're really scared for me They've watched me go through this horrible thing. And now they're watching me, even after I'm better now. I'm in remission.

But really, I was worse than I'd ever been. It was a miracle. It was a miracle that I had stage three cancer. It was really far advanced and it was gone. When I look back on the cancer journey, I am actually very grateful for it now because this is is when I started to realize, well, I kind of already did, but this is when everyone else started to realize that the alcoholism was as bad as it was. If I hadn't had the cancer, the microscope wouldn't have been on me the way it was for them to see. So it really opened everyone's eyes,

and they were all scared. Like I said, I was spending time at my mom's house where I wasn't allowed to drink, and then I would go to my sister's house, who was my ride or die drinking buddy? And she was like, no, you're not drinking here. It was to that point. That's when I knew, okay. Even this person that I've been drinking with since we were kids, basically, is telling me, you can't drink anymore. And then my other sister, I would go to her house, and she was like, no, nobody was having it anymore. And this is when things took a turn to the dark side, basically. In my head, it was like, I loved alcohol more than I loved anyone or anything. And I needed to be away from, the solution wasn't to stop or to get help.

It was to get away from the people that were telling me I can't drink. So this is when I end up in a hotel room by myself. I chose a hotel that they wouldn't be able to find me at because I knew they would look for me. And I think I was in that hotel room for 18 days. I was in that hotel room for 18 days of just around the clock drinking. I truly didn't care anymore. I felt like I was doomed. I literally had people delivery services bringing alcohol to my hotel room. Or I would walk to the liquor store that was like,

sometimes I didn't even have the energy to walk from the hotel room to the liquor store. I literally needed people to bring it to me. I wasn't eating. I was just literally drinking around the clock. I wasn't in communication with anyone. My family was literally searching San Diego for me, hotel room to hotel. Have you seen this girl? I was basically like a missing person kind of.

They knew I was alive because every once in a while I would text someone and say, I'm fine. It really was the depths of my self-loathing and just self-loathing. and just selfishness of, I don't care if they're worried about me, all I care about is drinking. And you can't explain this to someone who's not an alcoholic. For the life of me, I cannot explain this. It doesn't make sense at all, but this is what our addiction does to us. It isolates us, and it makes us feel like life is no longer worth living without it. and it's a hopeless feeling that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Literally, I existed to drink. And it got to a point where I really didn't know if God existed anymore, which is the scariest thing in the world for me, because I grew up with that. It was like my go-to. I could always talk to God, and there was always someone there for me, even when I felt super alone,

but I didn't feel that anymore. And I didn't feel anything anymore. I didn't feel like it mattered if I was here or not. So on that 18th day of being in the hotel room, I had a bunch of sleeping pills, and I took them all. I just didn't care anymore. I took the entire bottle. I was hallucinating.

I was hearing things and seeing things that weren't there. and then I laid on the bed and I thought that was it. And I didn't care that was it either. I don't know how much time went by, but I woke up and realized that it didn't work. And that was the first time, believe it or not, that was the first time that I reached out for help and that I knew God was real. It's not the first time that I knew God was real, but it's the first time I knew God was real, but it's the first time a long time that I felt him with me. And I just had this urge. Ask for help. And I did. I called my sister. I said, come get me. I think I'm dying or I did die or I don't even know what's going on.

And at this point, I'm really still hallucinating. I don't even know what's going on. I couldn't even find my phone. So I used my laptop to FaceTime her. This is the first time I really contacted someone that whole time. So somehow I had told them where I was. I gave him the address or the name of the hotel or something. The ambulance came. I remember they're searching the room, trying to figure out what it is I took, and they find the pills. I think my sisters are there. I know my mom's there. And that's when my recovery began. One of the lucky ones to where the first time that I went to detox was the only time I went to detox. It was obviously a 72-hour hold because you know, I tried to take my life. So I was in the hospital for 72 hours and detox for part of that

72 where I wasn't able to leave. It was miserable. But luckily they were able to give me medicine. So the come down wasn't as crazy as all the other times because they gave me the medicine that I needed to not have a seizure or heart attack or, you know, all those dangerous things that could have happened all the other times I tried to stop. I was in the D.D. talks for a few days and then I got to go home and I'm not going to say I was cured I'm never cured but I was done I didn't want it anymore that suicide attempt was it was a wake-up call to me and I felt God again I felt God's presence in my life just pushing me to recovery so after that I frantically searching for a rehab to get into couldn't find any bed weirdly

trying to go to rehab and nothing was available. Calling places over and over again. You have a bed yet? You have a bed yet? You have a bed yet? No. So finally, we find this place. It's not an inpatient rehab, but it's something.

It's an IOP program, a 90-day program. And I said, all right, I'm going to give it a shot. So I made that IOP my job. First, it was five days a week, five hours a day, and I just soaked everything up. I learned everything I needed to, all the tools I needed to keep with me to stay sober. So I did the five hours a day, five days a week for a couple weeks. And one of the things that they taught us was super important was after you leave here,

you still need to have something to lean back on. So that's when I really dove into the meetings, AA recovery communities online. I found this recovery community. I started listening to your podcasts. and oh my gosh, these people are like me and they get it, you know, and all my friends in AA that I connected with. And it was like the missing piece, you know. I needed to have others around me that understood.

Like I was saying before, you can't explain this to anyone unless they are it. They've been there. So it just was like such a relief to be among people that really got it. And yeah, I did the AA thing. I worked the steps. I made my amends. That was like such a weight off of my chest and my heart apologizing to people for scaring them and, you know, making my peace with God and finally facing God and thanking him for keeping me safe and asking him for guidance. And I cannot tell you the weight it took off my shoulders when I stopped. trying to be my own boss and gave it all away to God and allowed him to just guide my steps forward. It's like a new life. I feel like all of that was literally a different life. And nothing's ever been the same since.

It's only gotten better and better. So I'm really truly grateful. Wow. Incredible story. Definitely grateful that you're still with us. when was that day when you reached out for that help it was September 19th 2021 yep wow that's it that's incredible I mean this might be a little bit wild but it does sound from your story there something did die that day the way you were living before yeah maybe was gone in a sense that day when I woke up

I had no intentions of waking up. Like I took the whole bottle. When I woke up, it was like, whoa, I'm still here. I couldn't even explain it or rationalize it in my head. But I really felt God. I did. It was like this moment of clarity of what am I doing? Call someone, get help.

I didn't feel that before. I really didn't. So it was like my eyes were finally open. I was still kind of in a haze, but awake enough to ask for help. I never asked for help. Really, never asked for help. Didn't cross my mind before. Yeah, that's just so incredible.

And thank you so much for sharing all that. I know it's not the easiest thing to share. You know, those dark times that we go through in our addiction and in our lives. So thank you so much for sharing that. What the heck has changed in your life? What do things look like for you today? Now, I mean, you sent this email a while back and you were a, 414 days then now there's going to be some more added to it but what has changed in your life in

400 plus days i wake up every morning feeling grateful and thanking god and asking god for what his plan is for my day that day i'm happy my relationships are so much stronger my career i mean i can't even explained to you the changes it's made in my career. Everything. Every aspect of my life is better. I'm happier. Everyone around me, they're happier too because they're not having to worry about me. Just everything is better. And my worst day now is still a piece of cake compared to any day I had drinking. I can manage my life now. And I'm confident with this. decisions that I make and I remember everything that I do and it's just like a regular day of really doing nothing is amazing to me because I'm here for it. I can feel it and I can enjoy it

and it's just such a blessing. Sobriety is such a blessing. That's the truth. And I love to when you throughout your story when you shared it, you had these events happen that were very traumatic. and it had a big impact on you. But while you're sharing your story, you were able to realize and reflect back that maybe in one way or another, you were using those events to fuel in reason with yourself to continue drinking.

Now that you're sober, how have you begun to navigate those events? Because throughout those years, it's only a guess here on my part, but I don't know if much work was done and to deal with the grief and to deal with all the emotions that came up. Is that something that you've plugged into in your sobriety? So here's a really interesting thing that happened.

Every year since my dad passed away, the anniversary of his death, March 10th, was like a serious day of mourning for me. I would cry and commiserate and be sad, which is normal in the beginning. You know, you're sad. and you grieve and you need help to get through that, which I did. I went to therapy over the years. But it was always this big event that just broke me down completely and was an excuse to drink more. And the first anniversary, that happened after I got sober.

I didn't realize that day had coming on until a week later. Isn't that interesting that the minute I become sober, that day, day no longer means so much to me. And it's not because I don't love my dad or I don't miss him. It's because I don't need that excuse anymore to be miserable. You know what I mean? It was an excuse. It was an excuse to be sad and to drink. You know, I have healed. That wasn't the problem. The alcohol was the problem. And that was my excuse to drink. That was one of my excuse. to drink just like cancer was another excuse to drink and the fear and all that but now that alcohol is gone yeah I can face all those things and I've done the therapy and I've made peace with a lot yeah

beautiful yeah I love that wrapping things up here look if somebody was still stuck in this cycle what would you say to them ask for help do not let it go as long as I did there is a way out there's absolutely a way out. If you can get help sooner than rather than later, you'll avoid a lot of trauma. Yeah, beautiful. Yeah, I love that. Asking for help and not trying to do everything alone.

I feel like the shame involves with the whole thing, is this we feel like other people are going to think so many different things. And then we just don't reach out for help. We try to do everything alone. We try to do it on our own. And, I mean, most people share that story before we reach out for help and try to get some guidance from somebody that might be a little bit further along than us. We try to just figure it out all on our own.

Incredible story. Thanks, Brad. I really appreciate the opportunity to do. What did you say? Yeah, you're welcome. I'm just wondering what, I'm just wondering what's next for you. I want to help other people in whatever way that I can. That's kind of why I did this is if I can get my story out there and connect with some other people who are struggling,

that's the goal right i feel like that's something that all of us in recovery have this need in our heart to help other people who are still in the position that we were in and so that's what i want to do and if anybody wants to reach out i am here for it i would love to talk to you yeah beautiful how can they get hold of you instagram brooke cole b r k-ke-o-h-l facebook sam thing. Yeah, hit me up on either one of those. Okay, perfect. Thank you. Anything else you want to mention before we sign off? I just wanted to thank you, Brad. This podcast, when I was trying to get sober and when I did get sober, it was so incredibly helpful just to hear everyone's stories of hope. And I really appreciate it. So thank you. Thank you. Thanks for listening. I'm glad we could

be a little bit of inspiration for you. Yeah. You really have been. there it is everyone. Another incredible story on the podcast. Thank you so much for hanging out to the end here. And thank you, as always, for all the support. But a huge shout out to Brooke for being willing to come on the podcast and share her story. She really wants to help other people. She really wants to get her story out there and hopes to inspire others to choose sobriety, to give it a shot. If Brooks episode stood out to you in any way, be sure to check out her Instagram and send her over a message. I know it would mean the world to her. Thank you all again, and I'll see you on the next one.