Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Bruce Brackett aka bwb.positivity shares an incredible story of not giving up and why putting sobriety #1 is so important

Episode Date: January 26, 2023

Bruce aka @bwb.positivity was fighting an uphill battle from day 1 coming into this world detoxing off substances. Bruce found a loving family but struggled with the trauma from his early childhood. Bruce moved to NYC to chase a dream of being a broadway dancer but after so many rejections Bruce turned to substances to deal with the emotion pain. Bruce hit many bottoms, but today Bruce is 106 days sober and this is Bruce Brackett’s story on the sober motivation podcast. Follow Bruce on Instagram Download the SoberBuddy App United Recovery Project Follow Sober Motivation on IG Check out Pony Boy Evens on IG

Welcome back to season two of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. Bruce was fighting an uphill battle from day one, coming into this world detoxing off substances. Bruce found a loving family but struggled with trauma from his early childhood. Bruce moved to New York City to chase a dream of being a Broadway dance. But after so many rejections, Bruce turned to substances to deal with the emotional pain.

Bruce hit many bottoms, but today Bruce is 106 days sober. And this is Bruce Brackett Story on the Sober Motivation podcast. The Sober Buddy app is growing, and I would love for you to be a part of it. We host 10 live support groups per week inside the app, as well as have a very interactive and supportive community. Download the sober buddy app today at your soberbuddy.com or your favorite app store. Hope to see you there soon. Getting help for addiction is never an easy thing to do. And picking the right place to get help makes it even more overwhelming.

That's why I've decided to partner with the United Recovery Project. I've had a chance to get to know some of the incredible people working at the United Recovery Project over the years. And that is why this partnership makes so much sense. The United Recovery Project has a top-notch treatment facility and program. I truly believe in Brian Elzate, who is the co-founder and CEO and has 14 years clean. The properties themselves are beautiful with tons of amenities and activities. But most importantly, it's the level of care they offer. It's exactly what you would hope a family would receive

and the staff who most of which are in recovery themselves truly care. It's really apparent that they do their absolute best to create custom treatment plans to meet everyone's individual needs. If your loved one is struggling, reach out to them directly at 833-551-0077 or check them out on the web at u-r-precovery.com. Now let's get to the show. Before we jump into today's episode, I want to share with you a little clip of Pony Boy Evans' track New Day. Pony Boy has got 697 days sober from alcohol and cocaine. Check it out.

And I'll play the rest of the track at the end of the episodes so you can check out the full thing too. Man, I've been through so much. Today, I'm just happy I made it here. Happy to see the sunrise, you know. I'll never take another day for granted. Every day I wake up, is it going to me? Every sunrise is it going to see? Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast.

Today we have Bruce with us. Bruce, how are you doing? I'm doing so well. I'm doing so well. Thank you so much for having me. How are you doing? Of course. Yeah, I'm well too.

I'm excited to do this. I'm excited to hear your story. I've been excited to follow you on social media with the positivity stuff you put out is incredible. People really love it. Why don't we start out with what was it like for you growing up? I grew up in a very rural community, a ranching community, in Montana, known as Twin Bridges.

And from the very start, my life was against me. The odds were stacked against me. I was born into detox from drugs and alcohol and went home to a very abusive upbringing for the first cognitive years of my life, the first three years of my life. You know, went through a lot of trauma and physical abuse, sexual abuse,

just neglect the whole work. really. And because of that, we were removed from our birth home. My sisters and I am the youngest of four older sisters. And we were placed into foster care. And our situation is very unheard of for the foster care and adoptive system. We were all kept together. We hardly went through the foster care system. we only had two foster homes before we found our forever home that ended up adopting us. So it was really quick. And we ended up, it was like going from hell to heaven in a matter of six months. And we were very fortunate and very lucky being placed with the adopted parents that I ended up being blessed with,

who gave me everything. And me being a very openly flamboyant boy from the very very. very beginning of my life, my adoptive mom's brother is gay, grew up in San Francisco. They all grew up in San Francisco. So I already, when I had that like, oh, I know I'm different, they already had that support in place for me so that I was accepted. And, you know, if I look back, if I step back and I look at that, there are a lot of things that went in my favor after those first three years of my upbringing. So I was placed in the right home, a very loving home, an open-minded, accepting home. And I was welcomed and loved. Growing up in a very small, Republican, conservative mindset

of an area, it was hard for me in the public, like going through public school, elementary, through junior high, through high school was horrible. I was bullied, teased, the whole works. four years. So that bit was hard, but going back home at the end of the school day to a very loving family was really a blessing. So public school was rough,

you know, being bullied and having to deal with that, being different, knowing I was different, and not really having other allies or other people that identified with me to make me feel less alone was a huge challenge.

challenge for sure. Yeah. But it turned out, it turned out so much better. It turned out so much better. So, you know, it was a lot of that was having the support from my parents and from my sisters and just kind of not really paying attention to the rest of the BS that the public puts on you. Yeah, so important for sure. It's so nice to have people around you here can support you with what you're going through. Interesting, you share that about the foster care thing because I feel like from what I've heard, that is really an unusual setting that you all got placed in there. And yes, you know, that's incredible too, to have that support understanding around you. What was that experience like, though? Was it still a tough transition? Absolutely. It was incredibly hard for all of us.

you know, we were very, very troubled children. And from being removed from a very abusive household through all of the traumas, not only physically, mentally, verbally, sexually neglected, all of these forms of abuse that come, going through that, you know, and as I said before, I'm the youngest of older sisters. So my eldest sister was our mother. and she was seven when I came into the picture, seven or eight. So imagine just for a second being a seven or eight-year-old and having the role as mother.

So all of us, you know, I mean, she would steal food from the grocery store, from school, she would bring it home so that we were properly fed. that's in terms of neglect but in terms of abuse my birth mom she neglected us for I think it was like a year and a half over a selected period of time like in and out

of the picture where she left us with boyfriends, babysitters our grandmother for a very long time accumulating to the time of a year and a half and coming back from that it was one of the most abusive cases that

the state of Montana saw in the early 1990s. So it was really rough. And then going from that being placed into a foster home that truly loved us, wanted to adopt us, but for whatever reason, there were so many things that were coming up in their own personal life that it just wasn't equaling out. They weren't able to adopt us. That's when we went to our second foster home. and they had the resources. They had the finance. They had the love. They had the willingness to adopt all of us.

And with that, you know, it's not like a overnight cure. You're in a better setting. All of a sudden, it's just going to be rainbows and butterflies. That wasn't the case at all. We were immediately placed in trauma therapy. I was four years old when I was placed into trauma. trauma therapy. And I remained in that until I was 18. So it was a huge transition of trusting my adopted parents that they truly loved me. I remember from a very young age,

whenever they would say, remember you are loved, I would immediately just become enraged with this. Like, remember you're loved. And I would just read. I just, I just saw red. And that's because of the upbringing that I had before that, that trauma really follows you throughout every aspect of your life. And I'm so grateful that my adopted parents were able and educated enough to know that I needed a lot of extra help. So we all, all of my sisters and I, we all had extensive therapy, children rehabilitation centers that we were sent to group homes. like we went through the whole system and it took years and years and years of patients focusing on progress and a lot of love. So it was quite the transition. It was not it was not easy. Yeah, it sounds like it.

Where were your parents at during this time? Were they still in the picture for you? So in the very beginning, my birth mom, she had visitation rights and she took advance of that as much as she could, but she also took advantage of that as much as she could. So both for the positive and the negative, there were a lot of times where she would come and all of the visitations were under some type of supervision with the therapist or a social worker, but she would also bring her boyfriends at the time. Some of these people were not very good people. So it raised a lot of flags. She remained in the scene for the first, I want to say, like three, four years while we were

in the foster care before we were adopted, before her visitation rights and contact were completely removed. I never knew my birth father. He was out of the picture before, I mean, as soon as I was born, he was really out of the picture. He had his own family separate from my family. So there were, you know, there was a lot of drama there. So he didn't stay in the picture. And I didn't find him. I did, I did find him, but I didn't find him until I was about 21 years old, already living in New York City after I moved from Montana. And I simply found him on yellow pages.com of all places. Like, it was

the weirdest thing. I just, I knew his name. I knew relatively where he was at, you know, just thinking, okay, I know that he's from Montana. So he's either still in Montana or he's in Idaho or the surrounding area. So I went on yellowpages.com and I searched for him and I found him. He was literally the first person I selected off of yellowpages.com and I called the number that was available. And I said, hi, I'm just wondering if you ever knew a woman by the name of my birth mom. And there was this awkward silence. And he was like, yeah, I used to know so-and-so. And then started naming off all of my sisters by name in order. And I was like, oh, there's no way that you're not my birth father. Like, who else would know this information? You know,

me being the youngest, you clearly knew my sisters before me. So I knew I found him and I quickly was like, I've got to go. I will call you back. Like, I'm sorry, I have to process this. So I did. I hung up and I really just kind of got all of my thoughts together and I immediately called my adoptive parents. My real mom and dad will move forward with calling them mom and dad because they are that to me. And I was like, I found him.

oh my gosh, I found him after all of these years, I can't believe it. And she was like, what? You ran into him on the street or what happened? And I was like, no, I found him on yellow pages.com. And so we set up a time because I really wanted him to know who I was as a person before we even navigated trying to have a relationship together. So I had my parents on a FaceTime. I think at that time it was Skype. I had them on Skype.

I had my birth father on the phone. And immediately I was just like, hey, so, you know, I'm really grateful to have found you. And, you know, we caught up for a second. And then I let him know. I was like, so before we really get into having a relationship together, there's one thing I need you to know. and that is that I'm gay. And he replied with, oh, I don't really know if I can accept that type of a thing.

And I just cut him off. And I was like, well, I don't really accept the fact that you abandoned me and didn't try and find me for however many years it was. So let's just call a spade a spade and just like, you know, accept it and move forward. And he was like, okay, okay. So I did, I found him and I ended up meeting him at one of my sister's weddings for the first time because she had a relationship with my birth mom. After I found him, my birth parents got back together after being separated for like 20 years. And yeah, I did not intend for that to happen.

I just wanted to find my birth father and see where it is that I come from. I wasn't seeking anything from him. I just truly wanted to know who provided me my life. You know, where do I really come from? So after the few phone calls that I had with my birth father, maybe a month goes by and I call him again, and it's my birth mom that answers the phone. Rewind, I messaged her on Facebook, letting her know,

hey, I found him just so you know. Like, you know, because we've had, after I was 18 years old, we slowly started to have a little bit more communication, but very much at arms distance. Like, you know, maybe not even arms distance, like a mile away. Just, you know, okay. But this was a really life-changing moment for me. And I wanted to let her know that he's alive. So then, again, fast forward to that time when I called him and she picked up the phone. I was like, oh, wow, oh, wow, you went above and beyond to just kind of go through my own experience to go and find him, which is great, you know, to each their own.

If that's who you're truly meant to be with, then if I was the one that brought you back together, great. You know, that's kind of where my mind was. And they were married. They ended up getting married again. And one of my sisters who was also getting married, she had a relationship with my birth mom. So when she was invited, he naturally came to the wedding as well. So that was my first experience meeting him in person, which was just crazy. And not necessarily in a good way.

When I saw my birth mom walk down the street outside of the wedding venue for my sister, I saw a man with her. And obviously, I knew he was coming. So I was like, oh, my gosh, there he is. there's my birth dad. Okay, here we go. I get out of the car, and I buckled up my jacket, and I walked over, and I reached out my hand, and I was like,

hi, Bruce. It's so nice to meet you. I'm Bruce. I'm your, I'm your birth son. And all he got out was, uh-huh. I was like, all right. I can see this is a really stressful day for all of us, and this is just awkward.

Like, okay. So I let that go. And then for the following years after that, I just really discovered, I already know who my father is. It's my adoptive dad. And that's where it lies today. Like our experience together with my birth family,

I really don't have contact with them anymore because they're so toxic. They're just, my heart goes out to them. I have so much compassion for them. did not receive the help that they really needed. I understand that this is like generations of not breaking the cycle passed down to them. And I'm really grateful for my birth for my adoptive parents because they really broke that cycle within us. Yeah. So yeah, it's been a crazy journey. It sounds like it. When did you get mixed up with alcohol? Years after I became sober from hardcore

drugs. So it actually started with hardcore drugs for me. You know, being born into detox, I really think that this disease, uh, not only is genetic, but something that you can develop on your own as you use more and more, whatever substance it might be. Whether it's genetic or not, this is something that everyone can develop if you're not careful. Um, so for me, it was something that was chemically already put in my body that when I was an infant, up until the age I was 16 years old. When I was 16, I'm in the height of my puberty. I'm a very openly gay man growing up on Montana

and not having a lot of other people to identify with. So when I was 16, I really just kind of snapped and disassociated. So I ran away from home because I didn't have anyone to identify with. I wasn't well. And my addictions were really starting to reintroduce themselves to me. And I was allowing that process to happen. So, you know, there was the occasional sneak out of my bedroom window, go hang out with a friend and we'll have a few Mike's hard lemonade type of a night. And it, you know, of course, it's insanity.

I'm 16 years old. I shouldn't be doing that, let alone sneaking out of my bedroom window. And that quickly spiraled out for me. The more I started to drink, the more I really wanted. And it really wasn't all that much. I can literally, I think it was like three times that I snuck out of my bedroom window and I didn't even drink as much. And I honestly remember looking back at that time and being like, well, this isn't really doing anything for me.

So when I ran away from home, definitely not being in my most secured mindset, being very mentally unstable, is when I reintroduced myself to drugs. And meth ended up being my first drug back into alcohol as a drug. So I guess alcohol kind of kicked that off. You're right. Yes. Alcohol kind of kicked that off. And then I only dabbled in that just a little bit. And then I went hard.

I went really hard. When I ran away, I went to Oklahoma City and Dallas. And then I was caught in Dallas and put into a children's shelter. My father flew down, picked me up, took me home. I was put on probation for running away and stealing money to run away. and two days later, I ran away again and I went to Chicago. And that was the first city that I reintroduced myself to hardcore drugs. And that was meth.

And I was in Chicago for about two and a half weeks, ended up traveling back to Salt Lake City with a DCFS worker. And she didn't watch me get on the connecting flight. So I ran away from the airport and I stayed in Salt Lake City for another two and half weeks and then Las Vegas was the last city that I went to where I ended up coming on mind you in Salt Lake City I was hanging out with the wrong people and they were also doing drugs so I was doing drugs the entire time and when I got to Las Vegas I had no connection to anything so I was really coming off of all of that and I came to this do or die moment where I was like I can't

continue living or doing this because I am going to die. So I either need to do or die, and I chose to do. So I turned myself in, and my father again flew down to a random city to pick me up and take me home where I was immediately arrested in the airport and taken to Jube, a juvenile detention center for 60 days. And then I was released into a group home where I lived there for about seven months. And my parents were like, you need a lot more disciplined than clearly what we can give you. So we're enrolling you in a dance academy. And you're going to be in dance for eight hours a day after high school. Good luck.

Like I was like, okay, great. You know, me being a very theatrical person, I didn't really shy away from that. I was excited about it. And I thought, oh, well, okay, I guess that. that maybe this might give me something. Turns out I have a wicked talent for dance and I absolutely loved it. And it really got me through the remaining high school years.

Really kept me safe, you know, kept me sober during that time and really reintroduced the dream of moving to New York City and being a Broadway dancer or being on Broadway. So when I graduated from high school sober and saved, up a whole bunch of money and then finally

October 1st, 2009 rolls around and I moved myself to New York City. It provided me a lot of that motivation to fulfill my dreams and after constant rejection, I got

a few yeses for gigs here and there, but I mean, I'm one in a million so there's a lot of people auditioning for shows. There's going to be a lot of rejection. And that did not I did not handle that well. So I found the nightlife and almost a year into living in New York reintroduced myself to the nightlife.

And what comes with the nightlife? Partying. What comes with partying? Well, some people that we don't necessarily want to say no to and they've got some harder stuff. So I followed that and just found myself again in the thralls of all of my addictions. And that was in New York City. How long were you living in New York for? I was there for just over a year before I started using again.

When I first got to New York in 2009, I was very dedicated, focused, and driven to get into any show that would have me. So I was auditioning all the time. I was a part of the apprenticeship at Broadway Dance Center and dancing a lot, you know, doing all. any class that I could take that I could afford, I would do. My first job in New York City was working at Starbucks on 43rd and Broadway, 24-hour Starbucks location, and I absolutely hated it. And, you know, it was just what I had to do. And then I really just got winded by the constant rejection that I started looking elsewhere.

It was like, well, where else can I be a dancer? there's a go-go position at a gay club okay i'll do that like red flag number one bruce you have no business being in a place like this because you can't handle saying no you know like and in a place like that there's so much there's so much going on where maybe people don't have a problem with alcohol but they still are into pure pressure and i fall easy to that or i fell easy to that so it just wasn't the right place for me to be, but it went anyway. And then it just, it really spiraled out of control, especially right before I was 21, like two months before I was 21. I was diagnosed positive for HIV. And that just really sent me off the deep end. I started working in sex work again, which obviously in that industry, there's a lot of drugs and alcohol. So I did. 21 just fell flat back on rock bottom.

And, you know, any way I could get it money or work or the next high, I followed that. And that's really when it started happening again was right before I was 21. Wow. This is a lot. We're covering here, Bruce. a couple years. So things in New York, how did the whole New York thing play out for you?

Did you end up leaving New York? I did, but on good terms. I lived in New York City for 10 years. I officially became a New Yorker, and I am very much in love with that city. There were a few years where I absolutely hated it, and I thought I would never be able to become, I'm sober because I knew of a guy just down the street around the corner that had free drugs for me if I gave my body for them.

Like, that's where I could get them. Walking down 8th Avenue, 9th Avenue, 10th Avenue, where it's just lined with bars and their alcohol is displayed in the windows. You know, all of these reasons that I could allow to be an excuse for me to keep. keep drinking. I really held on to. So I was younger then and I wasn't as strong as I am now. Now I'm realizing it's one of the best cities to get sober in because there are literally hundreds of meetings a day that you can go and attend. So it's really all about is your glass half full or is it half empty? And for the longest time I was looking at it like it was empty. So New York, I love, I will always cherish.

There are so many amazing memories being in New York City that I will forever have. You know, when I started to become sober from hardcore drugs, I ended up working for a company at the time called Broadway Mades. And we, you know, exactly what it is. It's a whole bunch of performers on their spare time going and cleaning people's apartments. And one of my really good friends that I'm still friends with to this day, Schwaw, owned the company, their drag queen, and I ended up working for them, not only for the company, but as a backup dancer for their drag career. And it got me back into performing again. But it was under a different umbrella. It was with someone who was safe. It was with someone

who wasn't into all of the drugs and alcohol. They were very professional and focused on that. So it was a really good influence for me to be around. And that really introduced me back into performing arts. So I started auditioning again, and I made it into an off-Broadway show. And, you know, that's the closest I've ever come to Broadway, not saying it's never going to happen because that's still on my bucket list being on Broadway. But I did. I made it in an off-Broadway show with a company called Convergences Theater Collective.

And we did a show called Babel, which is taking the language of being separated, segregated, having different lives being pushed in different directions, but also taking away our communication skills and showing that communication through dance and acrobatic movement. And it was a phenomenal show. It was really great to be a part of. However, with success for me comes self-sabotage. So when I started working in the show and the closer and closer we got to opening night, I was drinking more and more and more and more and more and more. And any excuse, like, you know, all of the cast members after rehearsal, Let's go out to the pub and let's have one.

Well, it was never one for me. It was until I really couldn't walk straight and they needed to put me in a cab to get me home. Or I came to rehearsal the next day and people were like, yo, you're, you were a lot last night, you know? And just hearing those stories that I'm sure we've all heard through our addiction the next day,

waking up to text messages being like, oh, gosh, I did that. Oh, I'm so sorry. You know, so I did. Like, with the good comes the bad, but also that's no longer an excuse for me moving forward. Just because there's good doesn't mean that there has to be bad, which is why I'm on this whole kick of positivity.

It's not healthy to be positive 100% of the time because we are humans and we have the range of emotions and feelings. So I do. I mean, I'm not going to lie, just an hour ago, I was letting go of some steam from a meeting that I was in this morning. And, you know, I really wasn't feeling great about it. But everything is a balance and finding that balance. So New York gave me some really thick skin.

It gave me a forever home. I, you know, I, yes, I did move out of New York City right before the pandemic. My partner and I, we bought this home in the Poconos in Pennsylvania as just a weekend project, fixer upper, but also slash storage unit. And the pandemic hit. So we just cut our losses and moved out of New York and moved to Pennsylvania. So now we've been here for over three years. And that's when I started to get online.

Teo was like, hey, you should get on TikTok and, you know, put your time real videos of you painting, because I'm also a portrait artist, you know, just put some time lapse videos of you painting on TikTok and see what comes of it. And I immediately was like, no, I already have Instagram. You know, at that time, I think I only had like 400 followers on Instagram. I was like, like, what's going to be the difference here? I don't really see. It's just going to be, okay, whatever, I'll try it. So I did. And it, it was. was about the same as Instagram. You know, the first month, I think I only gained 200 followers or something.

My videos were producing the same outcome that Instagram was. And I was like, okay, well, it's a different platform. So I guess double the exposure. Why not? So I continued. But then I started to step in front of the camera as me and sharing a little bit of my reasons for joining TikTok, why I paint. which is very much, you know, art is art therapy for me.

When I paint, I am free. I'm in my zone. I'm safe. I am not triggered by cravings. I'm very focused on my art. And it's a really safe space for me. So I started to talk a lot about that in the beginning of being on TikTok. And I guess it was really relatable because it just, after that first month,

it's been out of my control since. Yeah. And recently, too, I've seen, well, that's kind of how we connected is. I can't remember exactly, but you had shared about your journey. Maybe we connected something on that. You shared about, like, getting sober. You said the hard drugs you had given up before meth and maybe other stuff, but, and then now it was like alcohol.

A lot of other stuff, yeah. Yeah, exactly. So it's interesting, though, how that transition takes place, right? Because sometimes we might be thinking, well, we're giving up the quote unquote hard stuff. And we're doing something that's maybe less as hard. But I think we often find out, too, that it can obviously turn our lives upside down as well, even though it's sold in the grocery store. What was that experience for you as you gave up the other stuff and you transitioned on

the alcohol and then you started sharing your journey of sobriety which today you have a hundred and five days sober yes yes so walk us through that how did that come to be well it was really humbling i to become sober from meth and ketamine and crack and cocaine and molly and all of i mean a lot of other drugs. One day, just absolutely again, hitting that point in my life where I wanted to either do or die. So I was, you know, I was having suicidal ideation, very tired of being sick, very exhausted of my life, very exhausted of me. And I finally had enough for whatever reason. And my higher power, now that I can acknowledge that, my higher power really helped to step in the way on that day on June 13th of 2014. And I grabbed all of my paraphernalia that I had for the drugs that I was doing, mainly meth.

And I took it to a cemetery in Harlem where I kind of had a burial for my addiction. and there was this rock sitting on the ground and I took that rock and I crushed up my pipe and the remaining crystal that I had left and I scooped it down into this vent that went down into probably someone's mausoleum so Godfrew, sorry, to that person. And I let it go and I just buried it.

And in that moment it began to rain and that was so cleansing for me. It was almost like one of the first spiritual awakenings that I really have had in my life that I've paid attention to because I've had many before that, you know, being removed from an abusive home, being placed in the foster care system and as smoothly as that went,

being placed with my adopted parents. There are so many miracles that happened before that point that I really wasn't looking at or focusing on. And when I had that first true spiritual awakening in that cemetery, when I released that addiction for me, I felt a lot of relief. And I immediately placed myself in outpatient rehab, where I attended outpatient rehab, specifically focusing on crystal meth. Oh, my gosh, it was like a year and a half I was in that program. And when I graduated out of that program, I think I was overly confident. And I was doing well for a period of time, maybe about a year.

And then for some reason, and I'm having a hard time remembering, but for some reason, I guess I can't remember a specific event or occasion that made me. start drinking again, but maybe it didn't necessarily have to be an event or an occasion. It was more so my arrogance and my cockiness of thinking, oh, I got this. I've never had a problem with alcohol. You know, I'm a hardcore drug addict. Alcohol has nothing to do with that. Things that I'm telling myself and then come to find out I'm drinking in a bar after work when I had really no desire to be there, to I am drinking alone at home in my room and hiding it, to I am, you know, fast forward, I'm working in the cleaning industry, to I'm drinking my client's alcohol during work,

to I'm showing up at 9 a.m. drunk and trying to clean other people's homes. A whole bunch of no. No, no, no, no. right there, just like all of the red flags. But I was so much in denial because I was so confident about never touching meth again, which I haven't, thank God. But I really replaced that addiction with another addiction.

I replaced it with alcohol. And it took a long time for me to realize that, that I very much am an addict. And it doesn't have to be a substance. It can be a person, place, or thing. And before I could really pump the brakes, I was very much addicted to alcohol. In terms of the addiction, it was a seemingless transition into alcohol. It was very easy for that addiction to shift.

But for me, in being in denial, it was really hard for me to realize that until years later. Yeah, it happens fast. It does. So what did it look like for you? So you started your TikTok. career and you're putting out all this incredible stuff. Was it, what was it at all weighing on you that this is something I need to look at? Like I'm putting out this incredibly positive, positive stuff.

And I'm imagining as you're going through this and I'm just assuming here and guessing, but you're struggling yourself pretty bad with the drinking and how you're feeling about yourself. What did that, what did that look like? Does that make, that hit anything? Yeah, oh, absolutely. It wasn't at first because when I first started TikTok, I was sober. And I would like to touch back quickly. I became sober from Crystal Meth at the Addiction Institute of New York. And when I finally realized that I had an alcohol problem, I went back to the Addiction Institute of New York. And that was right before we moved here to Pennsylvania. So when I joined TikTok, I was already, oh gosh, I was already a few months sober. So that wasn't necessarily on my mind at the time.

I was more so just kind of confused as to why TikTok was being successful. And then fast forward, I gained about a year and a half of sobriety from alcohol, because I was still smoking weeds. I got a year and a half clean from alcohol, and then my uncle got sick in San Francisco, and I was asked to go and help get him back on his feet. So I was like, of course, yes, yeah, you know, I'll go do that. And I went to San Francisco, and I stayed there for about seven months.

He was recovering from a very minor stroke, the kind that you want to get if you're going to get one. He was very lucky and helped him get back on his feet. And during that time, I stopped going to meetings. I stopped really working my program, the 12-step program, which I am very much involved in now, today, and every single day. But I wasn't doing that then. So I started to lose focus of what it was that I was doing.

And I really put everybody in front of me, my uncle, my family, and everyone on TikTok. I just started putting the response of, I need to be there for them. And, you know, there's so many people that want me to give them inspiration every single day. And I was focusing on that pressure. And eventually, quickly, I relapse. and I started drinking again. So I was handling it well for a while until I think the reality of it started to click in for me, things that I wasn't necessarily paying attention to from the very get-go.

Because relapse happens way before you pick up. I stopped working my program. I was really putting everything and everyone else before me to the point where, like I said, I relapsed. So I relapsed about maybe five months before I was open and honest about it online. And then that's when I was arrested. That's when I went through psychiatric hospital treatment. That's when I went to rehab.

That's what ended it for me. So that was 105 days ago. All of that went down. and you know I was really attracted to the growth of the number oh I have 10,000 followers. Oh my goodness. I have 50,000 followers. All of a sudden, I have 100,000 followers. And then soon after a year and a half into it, I had over 400,000 followers.

Now I'm over 600 something. But back when I first started, being online, I was really addicted to the numbers. I was addicted to the growth. I was really focusing on the wrong thing. And now after being out of rehab and after having the experiences and that rock bottom that I had 105 days ago, it, I, oh my goodness, I have nothing if I don't have my sobriety. There's no way I'm able to show up for other people. If I can't show up for myself, there's so much involved in that that I'm no longer even, it's gotten to the point where I can't even read people's comments sometimes. I can't even take in what it is that

I'm very thankful that they have someone to open up to, but I am not a licensed therapist. You know, yeah, I'm a certified motivational speaker and I'm sharing my own strength, experience and hope through my own journey, I have none of the answers. I don't even have answers for myself. I'm just doing what it is I can do in this very moment at this time while being sober. So I really, the rest of it, I'm just kind of letting go. There's a lot of emails that I get and comments of people's experiences, and a lot of them are very uplifting, and a lot of them are a cry for help. And I just can't focus on that anymore.

I'm very grateful that they have a place to at least say it and get it out. But I really want people to realize that I too am very fresh in this journey of showing up for myself. So I can't let that overwhelm me because if I do, I'm going to put that first and I'm going to relapse again. So the first thing that I am grateful for every single day is my higher power. And I ask my higher power to get in my head before I do to help keep me sober through this day so that I can truly do the work that I'm supposed to do to stay sober and also to show up for itself so that I can to eventually show up for others. There are days where I can't do that. And that's human. That's perfectly acceptable.

It's been an interesting ride. It's been trying to find that balance of what's good for me and what's not, who I can reply to, who I shouldn't, or who I just, I feel like I'm not called to reply to them. But yeah, with things going so well online, I'm really having to remind myself to pump the brakes and to stay humble and stay focused because I'm going to lose all of that in a heartbeat. if I don't stay focused. Yeah. No, that's for sure. Yeah, that's a lot. It's a lot too.

Yeah, I mean, other people are go through stuff. And, I mean, you take, you have to set boundaries about taking on everybody else's stuff. Even though you want to and you want to help everybody, you want to listen to everybody, but you can only fill your containers so much before it explodes. Yes. What was the biggest challenge for you getting sober this time? Oh, my goodness. I think it was the process of truly admitting that it was in that place, again, being humble enough to realize that I really needed a lot of extra help and doing it publicly, presenting myself publicly and being honest.

That's one thing that you can always count on my profile is that I'm real. This is my real experience. This is, you know, all of the mantras or motivation that I share. I'm not sharing it for people to hear. I am, but I'm also saying it so that I can hear it because it's something that I need to. I get that comment all the time. Like, I really hope that you're giving yourself this love and, like, you know, all of those things. Yes, I am.

I watch my videos too. You know, like, so we're not, we're not. alone there, but I really think that being so vulnerable for the first time, not only to myself, but to hundreds of thousands of people, has been really challenging. It's been really challenging. And I'm finding the more that I'm honest and more vulnerable, the easier it is. We're human. We all make mistakes. We've all done things that we are not proud of. I mean, hell, we've, you know, there's so many things that we've done that I'm sure that we can look back and be like, oh, God, but nope, like, ah, you know. So realizing that we all are just goofy and human and we make mistakes and none of us know what we're doing.

We're all just figuring this out as we go. So that takes a lot of the pressure off of it. It's incredible too from the sense that it lets other people, maybe it gives them permission to do that. Like is it going to change everybody's lives? Who knows one way or the other? But other people who are holding this in who feel like what they're doing is just terrible and they want a way out. If they look up to somebody like you and they're like, well, Bruce can do it in front of X amount of people. Maybe I can do it in front of three people, my family or my partners or my loved ones.

and maybe that's what it is. And I don't know what kind of response you've had on that, but I've seen your stuff. And I mean, the response that you get from people is just, wow. Like it's, it's a lot. You know, and I think that that's great that you're setting that boundary and putting your sobriety, your recovery on top.

There's an old saying that anything you put in front of your sobriety will be the first thing you lose. Yep. So I think that's incredible. I'm really happy that you came on here to share your story. You share this with a smile. You're happy. You're an uplifting human being, which is incredible.

And you've been through a lot. So I think that I really personally gain a lot of strength from that, that you've been through all this stuff and you're working on it. And I really love your approach, too, about not having all the answers. Because that's the same approach I come from, where I've done this for a while and have maybe a lot of experience in some people's eyes. But I'm just trying to win today. I'm just trying to do the best I can today.

And I don't have all the answers on how to get sober and how to do this and how to do that. I just don't have them. So I think that's so cool. Because some people have all the answers. And they just, I feel like they just force them down people's throats and nothing gets accomplished. I think we really. Well, the secret is, they don't. They don't have all the answers.

It's just what they think. And ego, ego really gets in the way. And ego is easing God out. That's what that stands for, ego. It's easing God out. If you don't relate to a God, maybe it's a higher power or, you know, something. But when that happens, we're just really getting in our own way. Oh, my gosh, I'm so grateful for my adoptive parents.

They taught me humbleness. And I think if we can remain humble and honest. and willing to be open-minded to learn new things and to realize that we are this big in the grand scheme of things, oh my God, the options are limitless. The more we can learn, the more we can understand people who are different from us, the more we can be open-minded and accepting them and loving them. So a lot of that comes into play with that as well.

I don't know the answers. Yeah. I mean, and that's incredible, though. And I think when people are able to find out the answers on their own with support, with professional help, with groups, with meetings, with all this stuff. When you can find out your stuff on your own or with a little bit of guidance, then it's going to be just more powerful than somebody just telling us all what we need to do and everything will work out.

Absolutely. Yeah. But wow, incredible story. I can't thank you enough for jumping on here with us. day. Thank you, Brad. It has been so much fun and so much easier than I thought it was going to be. I was nervous about this, but I, you know, of course, like anything, you just start it and the rest will come, as you said. So thank you so much for having me. It's been a complete privilege to be a part of your journey as well. And thank you so much for everything it is that you do and educating others about addiction and overcoming.

I'm very proud of you, and I really look forward to saying what it is that you provide in the future as well. Wow, another incredible episode. Can't thank Bruce enough for coming on here and sharing his story. Incredibly powerful. Thank you, everybody, too,

for the incredible feedback that I'm getting on the podcast that's being helpful. You're enjoying the stories. Your support means the world it truly does. Without you, the listener, there is no podcast. If you're enjoying the podcast, too, be sure to leave a review wherever you listen to your podcast. And I'm going to leave everybody with the ending of Pony Boy Evans' song called New Day. And I'll see you on the next episode.

Enjoy. Man, there were days I wish I didn't wake up. You know, days I wish I wasn't even born. Then there were times I was so messed up. I was awake for days I was scared to go to sleep. Man, I've been through so much. Today I'm just happy I made it here. Happy to see the sunrise, you know.

I'll never take another day for granted. Every day I wake up, is it going to me? Every sunrise, a good one to see. Came close. My eyes open and they're going to stay going like I slept through Tuesday. Anything that you step into me, baby, you know.