Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - D-Jay McGrath struggled with the pressure of chasing his dream to play in the NHL and utilized alcohol, weed and cocaine to escape.

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

D Jay McGrath grew up with one thing in mind, making it from a small town in Saskatchewan  to the NHL. At 15 when D Jay moved away from home for the first time to play in a bigger hockey market, he could feel the pressure of hockey and being away from home. D Jay would start out with drinking and smoking . As the years went on, the pressure became much more than D-Jay could handle. From far, he was a small town hero with so many people looking up to him for his success on the ice. Things would snowball and D Jay found himself in a live or die situation. On June 6, 2022 D Jay was overwhelmed with the suicidal thoughts of keeping all of his struggles to himself.  On that day, everything would change as he made an unexpected trip to his parents' house. This is D Jay’s story on the sober motivation podcast. ---------- Follow D Jay on Instagram Follow Sober Motivation on Instagram Donate to support the show  Check out the SoberBuddy App More info about Soberlink Need treatment? Check out Palm Beach Recovery Center

Welcome back to season two of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. DJ grew up with one thing in mind, making it from small town Saskatchewan to the NHL. At 15, when DJ moved away from home for the first time to play in a bigger hockey market, he could feel the pressure of hockey and being away from home. DJ would start out with drinking and smoking.

As the years went on, the pressure became much more than DJ could handle. From afar, he was a small town hero with so many people looking up to him for his success on the ice. Things would snowball for DJ, and he found himself in a live or die situation. On June 6, 2022, DJ was over. overwhelmed with the suicidal thoughts of keeping all of his struggle to himself. On that day, everything would change as DJ made an unexpected trip to his parents' house. This is DJ's story on the Sober Motivation podcast. The Sober Buddy app.

This community is one of the most supportive I've ever seen. Starting with the meeting hosts who lead with support, kindness, and understanding, when someone falls the community rallies to help support and encourage. People from all different countries who show up as strangers leave as friends. It is a true example of community and connection. What makes sober buddies special is everyone is working on the same mission to get another day sober so we can live our best lives and to provide a safe place so no one feels they have to do it alone.

Check out the app today or head over to your sober buddy. and come and join us for some of our live support groups. It's hard to find the motivation to get sober when you're in the trenches of addiction. It's easy to say I'll stop tomorrow or I'll cut back tonight. What's harder is putting action behind those words. That's why I've teamed up with Soberlink. Soberlink's remote alcohol monitoring system was specifically designed to help in your recovery, not just some breathalyzer you buy at the store.

Small enough to fit in your pocket and discreet enough to use in public, Soberlink devices combine facial recognition, tamper detection, and real-time results so friends and family know instantly that you're sober and working towards your recovery goals. Visit soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device. Are you a loved one struggling with alcoholism or substance use disorder? Palm Beach Recovery Centers can help. Their inpatient medical detox and residential facility provides personalized treatment, to help you get back on track. Their experienced staff is here to support you every step of the way.

For more information, visit their website, palm beach recovery centers.com. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got DJ with us. DJ, how are you? Good. How are you doing, man? I'm well, man. I'm well. The weather's looking up for us over here in Canada. Yes, I know.

About time. That's awesome. Makes the mood's that much brighter, man. It's good. I love it. Yeah, beautiful, man. Well, how we start every episode, Buddy, is what was it like for you growing up? Growing up, man, it was awesome.

No complaints. I'm born and raised in kinder, Slay, Saskatchewan. So it's about 4,500 people that live here. And it's small town living. So it was all about school and hanging out with my three to four best friends and either in playing multiple sports, baseball, hockey, basketball, badminton, you name it, man. So growing up in a small town, it was the best thing for me growing up for sure. So what was it like, though?

What was high school like? What's it like in a small town, 4,500 people? Yeah, no, that's the thing, right? You know everyone in town. Everyone has each other's backs around here. It kind of seems like we kind of have a personal level of school teachers, right? Because it's either your buddy's mom or dad or whatever it may be. So it was awesome, man.

I know growing up, I have two older brothers that kind of led the past for me. So it's kind of easy for my childhood, having two older brothers looking out for me and guiding that past and telling me what to do, kind of show me the role. growing up. I have no complaints growing up in small town, Saskatchewan. I know there's not much going on, but it's definitely my home. What is going on there? Is there farming there? Something? Yeah. So the big thing is we're a big farming and oil and gas community down here. Tons of oil, tons of gas and farming community, man. It's like you say, Saskatchewan down here, you can see your dog run away for a couple days because it's all flat. It is full of land and everything.

But it's awesome, man. I wouldn't change it for the world. Yeah, no, that's so cool. Small town, 4,500 people. What did high school and stuff look like for you? Did you always have a pretty easy time meeting people, you know, feeling like you belonged and you were part of the group? Or what was that like? Your relationships too. Yeah, no, for sure, Brad.

That's a good question. I was a popular kid in school. Obviously, I goes back to my brothers, kind of leave me the way. And me being that athlete, me being that top end kid in hockey and baseball kind of thing, which helped me make my friends, right? You know, when you're an athlete and playing sports, you got to create those relationships that much easier. And going to high school, I obviously had to move away playing hockey at 15.

So I had to experience a few different high schools in the cities and in the United States when I played hockey out there. But every time when the season was over, I got to come back home and finish my years off in kinerously. And it was awesome, man, coming home and seeing my childhood friends. And one thing I knew good about me was I was never the bully, man. I was good with that. I always made sure that if I seen someone getting bullied, I was there helping out the kid getting bullied. So looking back, it was good for me and being in a small town. Love that man. Well, why don't you start us off with that? What was it like? So you had this hockey career. What was that like? What was that like for you? What was that experience for you? At 15, you're leaving home and stuff. Like, that's got to be different. Yeah, it was tough, man. I was the only kid around my neck of the woods that first year that got moved to a city to pursue my hockey dreams. And I was hockey ready, man. But mentally I wasn't. I always thought just me playing hockey, I'd be able to hangar off my buddies in my hometown. I didn't really know any hockey. I didn't really know any hockey.

on the outskirts of my hometown, right? And for me to having to pursue my hockey dream, at 15 years old, I had to make an important decision to move away from my hometown a couple hours. Oh, West, just ask a tune to pursue my hockey dream. And that was, it was tough, man. I knew I was hockey ready,

but I had to go billets at a different house, meeting out of gold, but it's a completely different family at age 15. And man, that's where my mental house started kicking, and that's when I started drinking. And all came back with me not talking up and me not sharing my feelings with my mom and dad, right? I was scared of letting them know what was going on because hockey growing up,

it's an expense of sport, right? And I was just scared of letting them down and my buddy's down. You know, people were looking up to me growing up in kindergarten sleep. So I was that only kid moving away and pursuing my dream in hockey. So I had a lot of eyes on me, man. And personally, I couldn't handle it. And I kept all my thoughts inside. So kind of when it started for me, heading out as 15 to pursue my hockey dream is when the mental health started happening for me.

Yeah, because what you're used to, you changed it all up and everything. But you were ready to play hockey, but what I'm getting from this is that you were struggling with the other aspects of this moving, living with someone else. Like, that must be a lot. Yeah, Brad, it was, man. And I was such a popular kid. And I was such an outgoing kid growing up. I had no problems. I always had friends.

And my mom is my best friend. My dad's my role model. My two brothers, like we're such a close-knit family. And I was scared. I knew I had to make that important decision at 15. There, I had to go meet new friends. I'd have to try to fit in with my new hockey team. I'm at a go to a brand new school and it was hard on me.

And I tried to do it all in my own because I was scared to speak up. It wasn't a thing when I grown up, man. Mental health wasn't really talked about, especially in sports, right? So I was a firm believer, like us athletes, we got the stigma of us being the tough guys all a time and showing no weakness. And that's what I tried doing. And I tried doing it on my own, which led me to a bad path for 10 years straight. So yeah, man, it was just tough.

It was scary 15 years old trying to make new friends and moving away. to new school, a new hockey team was really tough for me. So what happens next after you move away to this hockey team? Like, I mean, I'm guessing here at the time, were you aware of how much of an impact this would have on you? Because I'm thinking back when I was 15, like, we're definitely going on. But I don't know like if I had any idea of how bad things were at the time. Did you?

No, I didn't, Brad. And that's the thing, right? And I'll never forget. So this is the night before I had to move away. and I was the only kid that had to go billet, so I'd move to a completely different family, and I'll never forget the coach of the hockey team gave my mom and dad a phone call.

And my mom and dad and myself were green people, meaning we didn't really know much about hockey outside of my hometown, so we relied on a lot of outside voices to tell what the best thing to do for your kid myself to go play hockey. So I remember getting out there, man, and it was a downhill, the first two weeks. I was trying to impress all the older guys. When I would go to parties,

that's kind of when I felt myself. And now I was meeting 15 started right when I tracked that open beer can, man. That's when I got hooked for 10 years. I got addicted to alcohol because ever since I got the first time I had that sip of alcohol, my feelings were gone. My nervousness was gone. My depression. My anxiety was gone.

It was scary. And I remember the coach called my dad the night before and told me who I was living with. And I ended up being with a school teacher, the principal of the school that I actually had to go. And I remember I wasn't a very good student. I tried in school, but I always thought hockey was just going to take me to places. And I remember heading out there. And it was just scary. The first two weeks, man, they had a couple kids themselves and they were really smart in school.

And I'll never forget. It's a big story. This is a record card day. It's about a month in and I'm struggling in school. I remember I was failing math, English, and science. And I remember I had to tell my mom and dad my marks, but I had to go to my billet house. And I knew my billet was going to ask me about my report card because they're pretty big into school themselves. And I remember me 15 years old after practice, me shaking, me scared of what they're going to say.

And I didn't really know these parents. I remember walking in there. And my 15 year old self is just me taking my shoes off and getting right to my room without them asking. And fair enough, I get to that house. And they're all sitting around that kitchen table. And he asked me. And the first thing that came out of my mind was I usually let my mom and dad see at first. I know I'm failing all these subjects.

And I just don't feel comfortable. And that was around supper time, Brad. Then around 11 o'clock that night, I get a pound on my door. and then this school teacher coming in and tearing a strip off me and get mad at me for failing all these subjects. And right there I knew I was lost, a 15-year-old kid getting told what to do by a random school teacher. It was tough on me, man.

And just a young kid from a small town trying to pursue hockey and the mental health, I couldn't handle it. And ever since then, and ever since that report card day, man, everything just went downhill from there. I couldn't hang around with my hockey team. I was scared what people were thinking about me. I was still the top score of that hockey team the first year, but I was lost, man. Like I was starting to party every day, every weekend.

I'd go to high school parties out, hangar-alth kids that were in on my team. Because I couldn't handle the pressures being a hockey player, especially from a small town and everyone from my hometown is always looking up to me. And then the pressures I couldn't handle it, which led me to a 10 years of drug and addiction problem. Yeah, that's heavy. That's heavy. Yeah, man. Different stuff that you weren't used to, right, with the school.

I'm with you, man. I never did well in school either, man. We'll own that one now, right, DJ? Yes, yes, yes. I mean, it's interesting, right, how things kind of progress. It seems like in your situation, it went pretty fast, right? And then you have those uncomfortable feelings that come up because of the situations and you're just craving for belonging, right?

And your home, 4,500 people. I mean, you're a hometown hero. You're everything to some people. And then you move away. And it's like you're not really that hometown hero in a sense anymore for people there. So then you kind of have to. find your way into these other social circles. And man, the thing with alcohol is,

especially in high school and college, is that it's just such a cheap entry into social circles, right? Like, you don't have to put in the work to build friendships or, you know, over time and stuff. Like, you just like, yo, you guys party. You're drinking. Like, let's go, right? And it's easy to get in.

100%. Especially that hockey culture and high school alone. It's okay to drink, right? And ever since I had that first drink of alcohol, Brad. And I was that guy who I was in a lot of alcohol, outgoing kid and I had to. I wanted to please everyone. I wanted to make everyone feel good and I never really worried about myself and

because I wanted to make everyone like me, right? And now looking back, it was one of the worst things I could have done. But yeah, you're exactly right. I always thought if I had a problem, well, no worries. I'll just drink my problems away. And then I did not know it was going to lead me to an alcoholic for 10 years. But yeah, no, you're exactly right. Interesting.

So what happens next though? You have this different experience with this family living with and then you come back in the off season, right? Back home and yeah. So I finished off that year. I'm obviously 15 year old kid and I'm drinking every day smoking weed, smoking cigarettes. And after that season, I usually come home and finish off that school year in kindersely. And I'll never forget, I come home and role model for all these kids and no one knows what's really going on with myself. And I remember going to school and there would be our 10 minute breaks in school. And here I would be outside in vehicles, drinking and smoking cigarettes and smoking weeks.

I couldn't handle the pressures. I couldn't handle telling anyone what was really going on because I have all these kids looking up to me and I didn't want to let anyone down. I always had two school teachers too that always used to bring me in. Classroom, be like, dude, you got to realize that you got some opportunity

to be a hockey player. And I remember I always used to brush it off because I was like, you don't know me. You don't know my life. I'm going to be okay. Well, I look at that day every day, man. People were looking out for me, but I didn't give them a time of day

because I thought I was alone. The biggest thing about hockey is the stigma of being tough guys. I was scared to talk to my coaches. I was scared to talk to my teammates and what was really going on because I was scared if I went told my coaches what was going on,

I was scared that I was going to be a destruction to the team, right? Or I'm going to lose that spot in the lineup because us hockey guys, us athletes got to be the tough guy and we can't show any weakness. And it almost led me to death, man, to be completely honest.

So yeah, it was struggle for me growing up and playing hockey, especially moving away from home. And I remember my second year I had to go back out to Saskatoon and then my draft year, right? So this is the WHOA, Western HAL Western Hockey League draft. So basically all the best kids out of Western Canada

get drafted in the Western Hockey League. And that was a big day for me, man. And I remember I was sitting in school and I get an announcement. I get an intercom, D.J. McGrath come down in the office. And I'll never forget. I had every single school teacher gave me a standing ovation. While I was heading in the office and I'm like, well, what's going on? Because I didn't really know much about the WHL.

And they're like, DJ McGrath, you're drafted. third round 66 overall to the Everett Silver Taps. So I was a 66 best player in Western Canada, which was awesome, right? But I'll never forget when I got my name called. People told me I was scared, man. I was supposed to be happy. I was the only kid drafted around this neck of the woods and supposed to be my dream, but I couldn't handle it.

And I remember I was really homesick living two hours away from home. And I remember going home, hugging my mom and dad, whatever, putting a picture or painting a picture on my face, not telling them what's what I'm really feeling. But I remember looking on a map and looking at Everett. Everett is a 22-hour drive away from my hometown. I was scared, man.

I didn't know what to tell my mom and dad. I didn't want a goal, but I really wanted to make the NHL. And I knew I had to pursue my hockey and move out to Everett, man. And that's when it just got worse, especially being two hours away from home and being homesick. And now I got to drive 22 hours away from home, man. It was tossed for sure. Yeah. A lot there to unpack.

Where is Everett? Everett's in Washington, about 20 minutes away from home. Seattle. So I ended up moving down to the States, going to high school in the United States. It was tough, man. It was hard. I remember being the top end kid around here. And I remember going down my first camp. So I remember me, my mom, my dad packed up the minivan driving to Everett, 22 hours. And I was out of shape. My mental health wasn't there. I was still a good hockey player. But I couldn't see myself in the gym. My mind and my head and my mental health and everything. And I just relied on my alcohol and everything to freeze those feelings. I remember,

down there and I had an okay camp. I'll never forget after the camp, usually the general manager of that hockey team talks to you and your dad. And I'll never forget walking in there and the general manager looks at me and says, DJ, I just want to talk to your dad. And I'll never forget walking outside.

And I remember like, mom, maybe I made this hockey team. Like, this is weird. It's usually me and my dad talking to general manager. And my dad didn't tell me till four years later. Thank God. The general manager told my dad to stop leaving bags of chips around the house of your son's never going to play for this organization.

16 year old kid, man. I'm so thankful that my dad did not tell me that what the general manager said because I probably went to laced out my skates the other day, man, after everything I was going through. And then I was just scared to speak up and I wasn't myself. And after I got cut from there, I came back and it was just a dive, man. I couldn't handle it. Drinking every single day. Smoking a lot of weed.

And remember, I ended up having to quit ever. I played in the WHL for two years. I couldn't handle it. It was pressures, depression, anxiety. I'm drinking. I'm lying to my mom and dad. Everyone from my hometown thinking I'm doing awesome, but here I am slowly killing myself inside

because I'm too scared to speak up because of the stigma. And I remember I called my dad after two years saying, Dad, I cannot do this anymore. I did not tell them what was really going on, but I said I'm homesick and I really want to come home. I remember again, I packed up my stuff and drove back 22 hours at home,

and now I'm playing with my hometown junior A team. And that was my dream. That was my all-time dream. When I was a kid, I was a stick boy for this hockey team growing when I was a kid. I was a water boy. My parents billeted these junior clippers. And now I get to come home and play for my hometown team.

I remember I bettered myself, man. No one knew, but I stopped drinking. I stopped smoking weed, stop smoking cigarettes because I felt I needed to owe myself something. And I wanted to show everyone from kindergarten. I'm doing well. And I was doing good for the first half of the season until I had a bad knee injury. It took my career, man. I ended up rupturing my ACL.

So I tore it off, pour my MCL off and tore my kneecap at the same time. Man, that was, it was awful. Straight to rock bottom again. Couldn't watch my hockey team without being drunk. I thought I let everyone down. I thought I let the loyal fans down because of me being heard. I had voices in my head, man. I was rock bottom.

I'd have missed that whole year of hockey. I was myself in every game, man, every practice and every game, I had to go watch, come back home and I'd shut my door and try myself to sleep every night. I was doing that in Everett, too. It was from 18 to 20, every night I'd come home and cry myself to sleep because I thought I was alone. And how could this happen to me? I remember there would be mental health people come in and talking to us, talking to our hockey teams about drugs, addictions, and depression, anxiety. And I remember me being that hockey player, me saying this will never happen to me.

There's not a chance in hell this is going to happen to me. I got such a good life. I'm a hockey player. 15 years later, here I am a full-time mental health advocate, man. So it just goes to show that it could happen to anyone. And for me, I just didn't speak up. It led me to a dark place for a while, man. So when I played those couple years of Kinderslie, I've been 21 now.

I got a full-ride scholarship to Red Year College. This is the first time I had to live on my own, go to school again, college school, and play hockey. And me playing in the Dubboa, child, I had five free years of school. It's pretty cool. Hey, and what did I do? I pissed it all away, man. I remember packing my stuff up again.

thinking me growing up a bit, 21 years old. Now I probably have to grow up. I'm going to school and playing hockey, live my own. And I remember getting to Red Year, man. In the second day, I found myself in the bar. Relive and me trying to make friends again, me trying to fit in with my teammates. And everything just keeps warming back and I couldn't handle it.

And that's when I got introduced to cocaine, man. I'll never forget the time. It was after my first year in Red Year. I was drinking every day smoking weed. And I remember I stayed out in Red Year for the summer because I couldn't show my face to my hometown anymore. I was so rock bottom. I wasn't even acting myself.

I was stealing money from my parents. Them thinking they're feeding me money for spending on school or food or whatever, but no, here's me spending on drugs. And I'll never forget in summertime, I had a guy come over and pulled out a bag of cocaine and chocked it on the table, man. And tell you the truth, the first time I did it, my feelings were gone. My anxiety was gone. My depression was gone.

My homesick was gone. ever since I did my first line of cocaine, man, it was a 10 years everyday up straight addiction for me. Wow. I want to bounce back. We'll move forward in a second, but I want to bounce back here because I'm thinking, so you're living this life, right? Like on the road, you're playing hockey. I mean, everybody's probably thinking.

I mean, DJ's out there. He's living his dream and, like, he's going to make it to the NHL and like, this is going to be incredible. But on the inside, you're dying. You're not reaching out for help. How hard was it for you to keep that going, to portray that out, you know, to wear different masks, right, so that people didn't know what was going on. Like, I'm thinking that must have been exhausting. Oh, man, honestly, I don't know how I did it for 10 straight years.

I don't know how I painted a picture on my face just for me being that outgoing kid and me being that popular kid. I don't know how I did it with everything starting from 15 years old to 21. And to tell you the truth, after everything I've been through, I don't really remember too much of it. I don't know if it's to do with my concussions or my drug and alcohol pass, but it was the hardest thing ever is like me living in another world and me playing a big game, me hiding and me not being myself and hockey went straight downhill. And my friend group, I lost three to four best friends and I'm still trying to work on that to this day. It was the hardest thing, me trying to be a different person, man.

It was scary. Yeah, wow. I'm wondering, too, throughout all of this, it sounds like you kept this locked up pretty. good, right? Like two different lives going on here. But was there anybody who picked up on this? Did you ever let anybody close enough to pick up on that like, hey, this is not going well here for DJ? Yeah. No, it's a good question. You know what? Now I look back. I knew there are some people, no one ever came up to me. He's like, Dege, what's wrong? No one ever did because I think I was just that good. But I'm not looking back. I think there was times because I started losing friends.

People ask me, well, what's wrong with DJ? I would be so defensive because I didn't want anyone to No. I didn't want to let anyone down because I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one going through my depression, anxiety. And if I did tell someone, I thought I was going to get judged, especially growing up in a small town, especially being the hockey culture, right, judgment, especially showing no weakness, feeling guilty and everything. I couldn't do it. It was tough, but it's no looking back. I know there's a couple of times some friends would kind of give me a little hint, but it never clued him because I didn't give them an inch because I didn't want anyone to know. Yeah, I hear you on that.

So now you get introduced to cocaine too, right? So this probably ramps things up. What are you like, 21, 22 now? Yeah, I'm 21. And what are you doing in your spare time? Are you still in school or no at this time? Yeah, so I played Red Year for two years. So I started doing cocaine after my first year in the summer,

then I ended up playing another year straight right off bars every night. I wasn't going to team functions, barely showing up for practice. But I was still a good hockey player. I still don't know how people didn't clue in. So I played there for two years and I had five three years of school. Brad, don't forget that, man. I went to do my speaking engagements. I enforce this.

I had five free years. It's pretty lucky myself and I pissed that all away. I couldn't handle it. I was so rock, bottom and me, ever since I did that first line of cocaine, I was 10 years everyday addiction. 10 straight years. And after year two, I called my dad again and telling them I'm done.

School's not for me, hockey. I'm done my career. I'm done. I just want to come home. That's the biggest thing is I just, wanted to come home after everything I've been through me trying and me always finding the wrong friends and me always ending up doing drugs and alcohol because of my feelings. I had enough. So I remember I packed up my car again. Red Deer to Kinnercy is a four hour drive. I remember

bowling the whole way home and my hockey career is done. What's everyone in Kinnercy going to think about me now? I was supposed to be there for three more years, but I'm back home. What am I going to do now? I didn't take anything from school. My hockey career is done. I don't know anything else besides hockey. Now I'm back at home not knowing what I'm going to do. And I remember my mom and dad bought me an apartment and ended up buying myself a dog, which is the best thing that happened to me, I ended up getting a job.

I used to sell vehicles in Kinner's Lake, which is still crazy. I worked there for three years and being a small town. I dealt with the public every day. I didn't do any drugs during work. I go to work from 8 in the morning until 5.30. Right when that 5.30 hit, I go to my drug dealer's house, lock myself in my room, lock the doors, lock the curtains, and cut myself to sleep every single night for 10 years straight.

Left the hockey rink. People are wondering, why ain't I playing senior hockey? Because I could still play some senior hockey, but I didn't show my face in the hockey rink for three years. I have two young nephews. I'm supposed to be teaching them how to play hockey, but Uncle DJ wasn't there for them. I lost family members.

I lost good friends in my, and I'm still trying to work on that. But when I came back, it was rock bottom. Every single day, I'd be doing cocaine and smoking weed and drinking beers every single day. and I still look back and how does that happen? How does that happen to an athlete that had everything? How to hold a friends in the world?

I have such a close family. It all because I didn't speak up and because I was scared to and I was scared to get judged and it led me to severe alcohol and drug addiction for 10 years. Yeah, well, I was going to ask the question about you about how does it happen, but I think you answered it in the second part of your response there is not speaking up, worried about what other people are going to think. And when we worry about what other people are going to think, then we just really destroy ourselves when we put that on a pedestal, you know?

Very true. DJ, how do you get out of this cycle, man? I mean, the million question, right? Like, there's a lot of people that are in similar spots to this or have been or going to be in the future. I'm sure this isn't just the thing of the past. There's going to be people that are going to evolve to a spot like this. So, I mean, how do you get out of all of this?

Yeah, it's very important, man. And the night that changed my life forever was June 6th to 2022. I was doing what I was doing in every night. I'm laying in my bed. And I still can't predict this feeling, Brad, but it was just finally a sense of hope. I didn't have another night left in me. It was suicide thoughts. It was to that point where it was a do-or-die situation for me.

The pressure felt like everything I've kept in, me lying, me, everything since my childhood, everything I couldn't handle it anymore. I was ready to explode. And I remember I was sitting there and I remember had finally a sense of hope and it was kind of like a devil on one side and the angel on the other. Devil telling me, Deid, you're fine.

You're going to get through it. Tomorrow is a new day. But there is finally an angel on one side and saying, Dej, tonight's the night you could finally tell someone. And I sorry, Brad, I tear up when I think about this because this is so raw and it changed my life forever.

But I finally had a sense of hope. Finally, Deid, you could go tell someone. And I remember drove my parents out about a five-minute drive from my house. It took me 30 minutes to get there, man. Different scenarios going over my head. What am I going to tell my dad? What am I going to tell my mom?

I turned around a couple times because I said, I can't do this. I just didn't know what was going to happen because my dad's my role model. My dad's done everything for me. My parents did everything. Hockey's an expensive sport. All the road trips they did for me, everything, man. And this all boils down to this night.

Laird forget, finally getting the courage to go out to my parents' house and I open up that door. I remember seeing my mom across the kitchen room and I just start bawling. It was a sense of release. It was a sense of hope, like everything just flowing out of me. And I remember I hear my dad's footsteps coming up the stairs and I started crying even more. And the first thing that came into my mind was, Dad, I'm dancing with the devil. Best thing my mom and dad did for me, Brad, was they let me talk.

I laid out absolutely everything on the table. I told my mom and dad everything that was going on. And the three words that saved my life forever, and I say this in my speaking engagements, my mom gave me the biggest hug and said she was proud of me. Every morning I wake up, I think about that, those words, man, and those three words saved my life. And after that, my mom and dad, I just didn't know what they're going to say. And they said, what do you need to do, Dej? And I said, I'm going to, I took me and my dog to the lake for two weeks.

And it was the worst two weeks of my life, sweating and then mood swings and trying to dry myself out. but it was the best thing in my life, man. And I went there for a couple weeks and I came back home and ended up quit my job and ended up starting a TikTok, Instagram, Facebook kind of thing. I meant to health advocate. Sorry, man. It's just a big special day for me and it changed my life forever. Because if I didn't go over to my house that night,

or if I didn't have those feeling that night, Brad, I probably wouldn't be here today. So that was a big day for me, June 6th to 2022, changed my life forever. It was finally telling my mom and dad. And it's crazy to think about it now, Brad, because after everything I've been through, after me going over different scenarios in my head of what's going to be the outcome, what people are going to think a DJ now. He's a drug addict and an alcoholic. But the best thing that I did was speak out because of how much support I have, it's breathtaking, man, and how much support I have. And I know I'm not alone. And I know I'm helping people out there.

So it's one of those things where I'm going to remember that day and those three words for the rest of my life. Wow, that's powerful, buddy. Thanks for sharing, man. And don't be sorry, man. You know, you're in that moment to change your life. I mean, it's going to be emotional, man. So rock with it, brother. You know, I'm thinking about that moment, right,

where you describe it as the devil and the angel, right? And it's like, keep going down this road or choose something different. Like, you must have had something like that prior to that. You know what I mean? We're like, hey, I've got to make changes and stuff. And then, you know, it's hard to follow through part. But 100% sorry Brad, but you said that perfect. I've always knew I had a problem.

I think that's the most important thing. I knew I had a problem, but I couldn't do the steps. I couldn't do the first step of speaking out because I didn't want to let anyone down. So that's a very important thing was I was ready. I knew how to problem, but I was just too scared and I didn't know how to speak up. No, beautiful. Yeah. And I think we kind of come up with these own scenarios in our own heads, right, about what it's going to look like.

And you don't mean, 99% of the time, it's probably. going to be a lot better than we might expect it. You know what I mean? But like you sort of have to get to a place of willingness and readiness too. I think there's an element of that. What was different about that time though? I mean, I know you mentioned to you. We're kind of at the end of your road with this, right?

Things were closing in. The walls were closing in and it was kind of, I think you mentioned do or die. I mean, was there anything else? The only reason I'm asking this, I'm wondering if somebody's listening and they're at this point. I'm at the end of my road. Like, how can I get off of it? How can I get off of this road and onto something different?

Like what was different about that time, specific time? Was there anything you could put a finger on? It was just everything. It was pressure. I couldn't keep anything inside longer. It was just little things that were happening. Like I would fight with my mom and dad constantly. I would fight with my brothers constantly.

I was not being myself. And I started losing friends. And now when I realize it, now I'm looking back. Like, I knew it was me. I just knew instead of me, I knew this is the boiling point. the newest is liver desk kind of thing that night. But it wasn't like a situation if something happened to me. It was just everything boiling up, Brad.

It was me lying. And it was just something about that night and my feelings where I can't do this anymore. I can't. I'm alone and I'm suicidal and I can't do this to anyone. I need help. There's finally a sense of hope. So if anyone is struggling out there, there is someone out there for you. It could be your mom, dad, brothers, friends, teachers, anyone.

You're not alone and all it takes is that one conversation because that's why it's so good with us humans, Brad, is we could enlighten one another up, right? And we can because there's people out there that care about you. There wasn't really a certain thing that happened. It was just over the years of the thoughts in my head and voices in my head telling me different. So yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So it was a buildup of stuff and then, you know, those thoughts came up and you moved on it. Like we said before, you had those thoughts before. We all have these different thoughts, these different internal conversations with ourselves that we've got to do better and we've got to change this. But I think the big difference here, I mean, is that action, right? You started to move your feet.

And other times you didn't necessarily do that. They changed everything for you. Lucky for you to have incredible folks like that. You know what I mean? For me hearing this story, DJ, I mean, these people sound like they're just the most beautiful people in the world. And you're extremely lucky to have them for parents, man. Sounds incredible relationship.

They changed my life forever and still to this day. It's part of my routine, man. I call my mom first thing in the morning every day because I know she's my rock. They saved my life. So, yeah, it's just awesome. I talk about everything. I share my feelings. I talk about what's going on because I know I'm not alone.

It's okay to not be okay, right? So it's good, man. I'm super thankful for my parents and my brothers too, right? So, yeah. Are they still in Kinner'sley? Yes, they are two older brothers. And I'm playing. I did some street hockey with the boys yesterday.

And I'm showing them some hockey tricks and baseball and slowly turning my life around, Matt. And it's a lot of work I got to do. But I'm on the right track and I'm so thankful. Yeah, that's beautiful, man. Yeah, I saw that. You were doing an announcement for the street hockey game. Yeah. What would you say to somebody who's really struggling right now to get or stay sober?

Like from your own journey. What would you draw from your own story to possibly inspire somebody to keep going or get started? It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to have a problem. It's okay to have a bad day, you guys. But speak up. That's the biggest thing. It's okay to not be okay.

If there's absolutely anything going on, all it takes is that one conversation. That's all it takes is that one conversation. Say whatever is on your mind because that one conversation could change your life. Because when I do my speaking engagements, Brad, to schools and hockey teams and stuff, when I tell these kids that it's okay, it's okay to have those problems because trying to do it.

it on your own nowadays, especially as a kid or whatever, it's hard. It's hard because you get lonely and you don't think you can ever get out of it. But the best thing I did was I talked and I was a severe alcoholic and drug addict. All it took for me is that one conversation. And now I got so many people on my side and it helps me out. And what else helps me out is me being vocal about and me on my social media. It really holds me accountable and helps me out too. So it's okay, guys. It's okay to have a problem. It's okay to not be okay. And that's the one big thing I have to size is that. Yeah.

No, that's beautiful. You've kind of flipped things around here, right? It was like that hockey guy before, the tough guy. Like, nothing's wrong. Now it's like the vulnerable guy that shares the, and does it every single day and you put yourself out there in hopes to help somebody avoid the situation you found yourself in, which I think is incredible, man.

You're exactly great because the hockey mentality of being a tough guy. And ever since I was doing those drugs And alcohol, my feelings were frozen for so long. I didn't care about anything. If I knew how to problem, I knew exactly what I would do. Now I got to face my feeling sober and me just trying to better myself and helping that one person. If I could just help that one kid, that means I'm doing something right.

And sometimes it's scary. I'm listening to softer music now. Like it's crazy. And me, when I see a cat across the street, Brad, I'm almost tearing up. Like, don't get round over. Like, it's awesome. I love it. Life is beautiful, man.

And I'm just happy I'm where I'm at. Yeah, I'm with you on that. When you say softer music, kind of music are we talking about you? I'm like country. I'm a big rap guy. Hey, and now when I wake up or go for a drive, it's a little bit of country. And it's so soothing for my mind. Yeah, I'm huge on like the 90s country, man.

Yeah, Tim McGraw, man. Let's go. Exactly, man. Yeah, that's so cool. Yeah, now you're doing so many things for your community. Man, what message do you give to these young people? Because you mentioned the people come into the schools, right? They had great messages, I'm sure, but it didn't seem to stick with you.

Or, you know, what happens? You know, this is what happens, DJ. We're able to convince ourselves that that message is a good message, but it doesn't relate to us because it's never going to happen to us. How do you share a message maybe differently so that those young people that you're sharing with can actually see that like this is a reality for people. Does that make any sense? Yeah, no, for sure.

And that's a super important question. And I think when I was getting talked, what I do, mine's a raw. I speak raw and from the heart. All these kids relate to me. I'm 30 years old and I was an ex-hockey guy. And I kind of talked down to their level a bit and just tell them I don't hide anything. I tell them exactly what was going on with me because I know there's kids out there that struggle and are not okay.

And the biggest thing is I remember there would be slide shows. I remember it's tough for kids to follow slideshows and follow all this stuff they get off the internet. Now, I'm not a believer on that, man. All I do is a two-minute intro video and give me the mic and I speak from my heart and I speak right from when I was a kid to when I get older because I know these kids could relate because I was sitting in their shoes. Once upon a time and I tell them exactly 15 years ago, I was sitting in your guys' shoes. Mental health guys would be coming in talking about mental health and addictions and drugs. But here I am sitting there being a hockey kid, this is never going to happen to me. Well, 15 years later, here I am sharing my story on mental house.

And right when I say that to those kids, it's kind of their eyes to get bright and kind of know. And I just talk from the heart and I speak raw and real. And that's the way it should be because mental health isn't talked about enough. I get countless amounts of kids coming up to me after my speaking engagements. And Dalindeege, I don't know what to do. Like, I got this going on. I got that going on. My parents don't think it's serious.

And it's scary. There's got to be some leaders in schools to show these kids that it's okay to not to be okay. and that's my goal. So I like to go in there and tell these kids, it's okay, and I have their backs. And it's been working, man. I've been getting some pretty good feedback, but I know I have a lot of work to do it ahead of me. And I know it's getting better, but it's not there.

So, yeah, beautiful, man. Well, thank you, DJ for jumping here, buddy. In closing, man, do you have anything for us you'd like to leave us with? Yeah, I mean, I just want to say thank you to yourself. I mean, you're a big influence on me. If you guys are struggling right now and you don't know how to speak up, If you don't know what to do, it's okay because I didn't either. Yeah, I know there's someone out there that loves you and you can say absolutely whenever you want because it's going to work.

And what else helped me out was how I'm so vulnerable and how I speak about my story because it helps me. That's why I started my Instagram and TikTok because it holds me accountable. And every time I'm low, I get on and I video it because I know it's okay. I know there's people out there struggling. So guys, it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to have those feelings. Speak up because there's someone out there that love. loves you and cares for you.

And life is beautiful. And it's okay to have a problem. So yeah, that's what I want to say to you guys. Because I'm a prime example, man. I was rock bottom thinking I was never going to get out. And it was just that one conversation,

right? And changed my life forever. So yeah, wow, that's powerful. Where can people find you on the socials, DJ? Instagram.

It's at DJ McGrath hockey. So DJ A Y McGrath, M-C-G-R-A-H hockey. And on TikTok, It's the same thing and on my Facebook is the same thing. So please add me. I'm on there daily just talking about real life stuff. Hopefully helping up some people.

Awesome, buddy. Thank you so much. Thank you, Brad. Thanks for having me on. Wow. What an incredible story and a huge shout out to DJ for being so vulnerable with sharing his story and his truth. DJ felt alone for many years.

I think it was about 10 years for DJ where he was wrapped up in his addiction and really afraid to tell anybody about what was going on. He didn't want to disappoint others. Disappoint himself. So proud of DJ for this. Look, if you enjoy DJ's story, be sure to send him over a message. He gave us his Instagram details. Let him know you appreciate him jumping on the podcast and sharing his story.

There's a part about this podcast that to share stories to help other people. if you can connect with others, then you might be able to believe that some of the same things are possible for you. But there's another part of this podcast about giving people a voice, giving people who might not have one otherwise, giving people a place to share their story, share their truth. And it hopes to help others not have to go through the same stuff. Or if you've already been through some of the stuff we talk about on the podcast, to plant a seat of hope that you can do so much more

and you can be the person you truly want to be and if an addiction is holding you back, you're in the right place. See you on the next one.