Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Daily alcohol consumption was Jon's norm until he gave it up.

Episode Date: January 20, 2025

In this episode, we have Jon, who shares his compelling story of growing up in the Northeast, experiencing significant losses at a young age, and turning to alcohol as a coping mechanism. Jon recounts his struggle with heavy drinking throughout high school, college, and into his adult life, detailing a near-death experience and some attempts to quit. He discusses the impact of losing his mother, the importance of his supportive father, and the eventual decision to embrace sobriety after decades of nightly drinking. Jon struggled with a deep sense of sadness and continues to work on himself every day, and this is Jon’s story on the Sober Motivation Podcast. ---------- Support the Show Here: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivation Contact Jon here: https://www.instagram.com/steelfirestudiollc/   00:00 Introduction to Season Four 00:32 John's Early Life and Family Loss 02:31 High School Struggles and First Encounters with Alcohol 04:10 A Near-Death Experience and Failed Attempts at Sobriety 06:21 Private School Turnaround and College Challenges 14:57 Post-High School: Marine Corps and DUI Incident 18:31 Seattle Move and University Life 26:28 Navigating Life's Challenges with Alcohol 27:55 The Turning Point: Realizing the Impact of Alcohol 28:33 The Struggle with Sadness and Loss 30:42 The Illusion of Control and Functionality 33:17 Career Changes and Escaping Reality 36:08 The Decision to Quit Drinking 39:47 Life After Alcohol: A New Beginning 41:51 The Support System and Personal Growth 44:48 The Joy of Authentic Living 51:12 Final Reflections and Advice  

Welcome back to season four of the Sober Motivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We're here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode, we have John, who shares this compelling story of growing up in the Northeast, experiencing significant loss at a young age, and turning to alcohol as a coping mechanism. John recounts his struggles with heavy drinking throughout high school, college, and into his adult life, detailing a near-death experience and some attempts to quit.

He discusses the impact of losing his mother, the importance of his supportive father, and the eventual decision to embrace sobriety after decades of nightly drinking. John struggled with a deep sense of sadness and continues to work on himself every day. Huge welcome back, everybody, 2025, getting things going here. Another incredible story coming right up. John, great to have John on the podcast, a longtime listener of the show. I just want to mention to anybody if you're in a position to be able to support the podcast. I'll drop the link to do so down to the show notes below.

You can head over to buy me a coffee.com slash sober motivation. And there you can find a page where you can make some donations to help cover the costs of running this incredible podcast. Thank you everybody who's tuning back in for 2025. If you haven't left a review yet, jump on to Apple or Spotify. Five stars all the way. Thank you so much. Let's get into this great episode.

And this is John's story on the sober motivation podcast. Welcome back to another episode of the sober motivation podcast. Today we've got John with us. John, how are you? I'm well, Brad. How are you? I'm good, man, and I'm happy to hear your story. And I'm glad you decided to join us here on the podcast to share it.

Yeah, thank you for having me. I'm excited to do it. Yeah. So what was it like for you growing up? Yeah, so growing up, I grew up in the Northeast. and I, about four and a half, five, my mom got sick. She ended up passing away when I was seven of leukemia. And in between that time, my grandmother and my grandfather also died.

So I experienced quite a bit of loss at a really young age. It was my sister, my father, and I. And the first thing I can say is that I was super fortunate to have just an amazing father who really dove into us. And so we were very lucky in that sense. But we ended up moving a year after, I believe a year after my mom passed away closer to New York City so that we could be closer to my father's job, which ultimately was a great move, but it kind of took away the friend support system that I had early on because we had some great friends in the town that we lived in and ended up making just wonderful lifelong friends, still friends with them today. But growing up was pretty good. I mean, I never wanted for anything. I was really fortunate. And my dad, like I said, he invented. a lot in us and a lot in me. He was, my, my lasting impression of my father is like he walks in the door and walks, you know,

with his suit on, walks out with a, with a ball and a glove and is like, let's play catch. And I've told them this time and again, like, though his presence was, you know, probably a lifesaver and his love for me ultimately before making the changes that I made. In middle school, high school, I fit in. I had great friends. I never felt like not part of the group. I was okay at sports. Never exceptional, but was good enough, serviceable enough to be on the team.

And so realistically, it was, it was, you know, minus the loss of my mother, which, of course, was really hard. My therapist tells me, like, you downplay that a lot. And because I did have, like, a really great support system, I did have just my father and my friend group and my friend's parents were all just amazing, like, for the circumstances that we were in. Around high school, or well, in middle school, I probably the first time I, I ever really dabbled with booze.

And that was kind of a game changer for me. I immediately enjoyed it. And it was kind of something that I'd do socially. I'd do on my own. I'd stop playing sports, kind of. I kind of just slowed down. As I got into high school, I was like, oh, I don't feel like trying out.

Because I never felt that I was really quite good enough to really, like, make any of the good teams. I'd always be the JV kid. And so I never really dove into what I probably should have. I mean, I've always been pretty athletic. But I remember I'd like sit alone at night and drink like wild turkey with like four CIC mixed in it when I was like a freshman at the high school in my room and like press record when they used to do live shows on like, you know, the classic rock station and record it with the tapes. Like sit there and think I was super cool. And then I'd like, you know, I'd start smoking weed.

and, you know, blow it out my window and think like nobody in the house smelled it, which was just insane, you know, to think that I was getting away with something. So high school, I was like really lost for the first two years of high school. And like I said, not socially, but just lost as to who I was and who I wanted to be and was trying to become. And then I got a job to make up for like the lack of extracurriculars in my head. And one night I went out and I had a bottle of Jack and a bottle of Citron. I drank both of those. I can't remember what chased what. I think it was the Citron chasing the jack,

but I ended up with a 0.3 alcohol level, which sent me into a coma. Super grateful that my friends were smart enough to call my father that night, or else I would have died. Oh, wow. Yeah, so I remember waking up, like, in the hospital, and my friend, one of my buddies' moms was actually a nurse,

and she's leaning over me. And she's like, you should be dead. And I was like, whoa, Miss Reed, wow. And not knowing what happened at all, right? So that was sophomore year in high school. And I immediately was like, I need to go to AA. And my dad was like, you need therapy. And I probably should have been going to therapy for the loss of my mom, like, for a long time.

But that really wasn't a thing when we were kids, like in the 80s and the early 90s. It wasn't, you know, therapy-based kind of structure from what I remember. So I did like a month of AA, and that didn't stick. I felt I was with a bunch of old guys and they were so quick integrates and telling these like crazy war stories. And my story was crazy, but I was like, you know, a high school kid drinking in his room alone and then, you know, going to parties and stuff and always doing stupid, stupid things and making really poor decisions.

But I didn't even have my license yet and I almost killed myself from drink, which, like, in hindsight now, looking at it, like, didn't stop me at all. Started drinking again. I remember a good friend of mine. She called me crying and was like, I can't do this anymore. Like, I can't be your friend. Like, this is insane. Like, you almost died.

Like, and so lost the friendship there. And then, like, we were so nuts. Well, not we. I was so nuts. Like friends made drinking shirts. Like jerseys, right? Yeah. And my number, I thought it was hilarious, like 0.3.

and my name, like my jersey name was ICU, intensive care unit, like thinking that's fun. And, you know, now like, you know, almost 30 years later, it's like, that's pretty nut, like to go from almost dying to like, ha, this is hilarious. So, yeah, I then made my way to junior in junior year in high school, I convinced my father to like send me to a private school, which gratefully he did.

And there, after being like a D student, the whole three year D plus, student, ended up getting A's, I ended up making the soccer team and was second team all conference. And the one thing about this school was it was a ski school. And they were like, if you're going to have the privilege of skiing at one of the best places in the country, basically in North America, every single day, you're not going to make us look like fools. So they were like, okay, we're going to drug test you. So it was random. And it was only like, I think I only got it twice. But so I had like this complete structured environment and I thrived. And then I was supposed to go to college.

I went to one school in Colorado for one day. I showed up and called my dad and was a job one of them. After a day. After a day, yeah, my poor father. Yeah, he was stoked. Going back a little bit before we kind of get into this. Yeah. Maybe this next leg of things.

I mean, you have your mom passing away too, which at the time, like, you know, there wasn't too much when I think about growing. growing up too much in like therapy or really being pushed. I'm sure there was there was stuff out there, but maybe not as like we weren't as equipped as we are now and hopefully we continue to get better at, you know, helping people out with this stuff. You know, when that happens, like, how do you kind of internalize that or do you feel that you did like the event there? So I don't think so. I don't think I ever properly understood the grief than I was supposed to feel, You know, and my dad, he, he ended up, you know, kind of like leaving his job and starting a new career and kind of, you know, moved on in that sense.

And my sister always said like, or I don't want anybody to feel sorry for us. And my sister just highly accomplished businesswoman at this point. And so she like kind of hard charged through it. And I just think that I never felt. And as I got older, maybe, you know, I feel like I feel like I was. was just looking to just continue to not feel, like as I started and, you know, grasping for whatever I could to not feel the emotions that I probably was supposed to feel at that time. But there was a lot of blocking out and kind of a lot of just like knuckle down and deal with it. And I don't want to give the impression that I was told to feel that way, but I feel like the way that the closest people to me were moving forward was kind of the way that I was like

modeling, but I wasn't equipped for that emotionally. Yeah. No, that makes a lot of sense because I'm interested too right when, you know, we're hearing a lot of stories, right? You listen to the podcast, right? There's a lot of people who share like the first time we drank or the first couple times. Like it really hits us, right? People who join the show obviously identify on one level or another with the problem. But I just remember looking back in high school and I had a lot of buddies that I drank with. And I can look back now like through, you know, that clear lens of sobriety that like I was drinking. differently than a lot of them maybe were, and I didn't really know why at the time. But it seems like with you too, like you get into it now, it's all of a sudden kind of progressing already, right, drinking at home alone and then the parties and then your trip to the ICU. But I'm like, man, if somebody, this is only me. I don't know if this is true or not, but what I'm thinking is that if like other people who had this experience that maybe didn't have other events in their life might look at it from a different lens like let's put the brakes on this thing for a little bit

does that make any sense yeah i mean i didn't have that i just wanted to escape and and my drinking definitely progressed like it was it was so much more than my friends like my friends all could just what you said like they had this ability to be like oh well you know i'm going to drive home so i'm going to stop drinking now and i was like well oh there's always cabs i remember yeah in high school just never being able to like pull back and always just wanting to squash whatever I was I was feeling. And I know there was one time I remember laying in the rain in my friend's driveway like at a party and just crying and saying I miss my mom. Like and and there was no way to process out what I, what I had felt for so long. And, you know, I can't pick a date where I first started drinking, but if sometimes, time around 11 or 12 and I can't remember it. But it feels, I know it's been a constant or was a constant in my life up until a year and a quarter ago. Because when it started, I did anything in any way I could to figure it out, whether it was like sneaking booze from my dad or sneaking booze

from friends' parents. Like, I was finding it. And or it found me. Yeah. So you share there too. Yeah, like just trying to find it. Like it just seems like it just kind of takes off. And I think you touched on another thing too that was kind of interesting to me is in high school trying to, you know, figure out who we are in this world, right? Because I got into that spot too. Like, who am I? I didn't excel at academics.

I wasn't really a sports guy either. So I was like what, you know, so I was a troublemaker. But I wonder too. And I don't know your thoughts on this, but I wonder too if the world in a sense puts a lot a pressure on us in that high school age to all of a sudden have the rest of our life figured out. Like, what are you doing for the rest of your life? And I think for some people, it's great. And I think for some of us, it might be a challenge because we have no idea. Oh, yeah. I grew up in an area where, like, you know, you're talking about legacy to Ivy League.

Like, those were some of my friends. People go into the best schools in the country. And no doubt I was smart enough if I could have gotten those grades, but I just wasn't equipped emotionally or mentally to like stay in that narrow lane. That lane was not for me. And, you know, I remember like, you know, around sophomore year, kids are starting to talk about college. And I'm like, college, yeah, and maybe, you know, and I felt so out of place from everyone who was just going down that path because that was the path that they were supposed to go. And, you know, people are talking about, I want to be a lawyer. I want to be this. And I'm like, I want to try and be happy. Yeah. Yeah, beautiful. I relate with you on that so much too. So you go to this to a private school.

Is that just for one year? Was that for two years? So that was one year. Yeah, it was amazing. you know, best way to put it is, you know, very privileged to have the opportunity to go there. That year probably saved my life because it wasn't a negative situation I was in. Like no one was bad, I wasn't, but everything would have progressed so much further, so much quicker for me. And I feel like my self-esteem would have just completely dropped because everybody would have been, you know, on their way out. Like, hey, we're going here. Oh, I got accepted here. and I would have been like, well, I have bees and buy everybody. So, yeah, that year was a really critical year.

I think of kind of realizing like, okay, I don't have to, but it never hit. Like in hindsight, does that make sense? Like, man, I could have figured it out then. Of course, I wasn't emotionally mature enough to. But that year, I think really kind of saved my life at that point to things would have gotten really bad. Yeah. And then after that, so then you go to this one day of college in Colorado, what's that all about? Yeah, I was like kind of to touch on what we were just talking about.

Like I was just doing what everybody else was doing. Like, oh, I'm supposed to go to college. I got there. And I'm like, I don't want to be here. I can't invest myself in this right now. Like I'm not prepared to be that person studying on my own. So yeah, I called my dad and it's not very excited. We joke because that college is actually in the town that I live near.

It's got a full circle like 20 years later. I showed up here. And so I joke that I spend more time there now that I did when he sent me here to go to college. So then I flew to my grandparents house in Illinois and spent like two weeks there until I, and I worked at McDonald's for like three and a half, four weeks. and then I just signed up for the Marine Corps reserves. And so I went away to boot camp, thrived, structured environment, then came home at duty station, and I was working construction at home,

super lost again, drinking alone, like all my friends are gone. So I was like back to drinking in my room four years after I started that. I wasn't quite 21 yet. I was 19 or 20, and I got a DUI. I was with a buddy at his party, and I drove, tried to drive home only like three, four miles and massed by 1979 Volvo into a telephone pole, which of those things are like tanked. So backed out, the hood flips up. I'm still driving. I run over some rose bushes and New England in the fall. It was Halloween, so there were leaf piles everywhere, ran over a mailbox, ripped the oil pan out of my car, set leaf files on fire. The police come. I'm just sitting there and I look at him.

I'm like, I'm hammered. I'm completely trashed. So they take me to the police station. My dad comes to pick me up at like 2 a.m. And basically the police at the front are like, he's a good kid. He made a mistake. Which, of course, you know, it's like another layer of where like,

there's not really repercussions. Nothing really happened. Like, my dad helped me with the finances. He let me borrow money. I wanted a public defender, but he made me get a lawyer that I had to pay him back everything for. But still, it never felt like there was a repercussion or any sort of consequences, sorry, for what happened. And I was just sad and lonely, and I just kept drinking. Your dad didn't say anything to you about it?

He was disappointed and upset, but, you know, at 19. And, you know, he was just like, so then he started making me pay rent. But I was, you know, at that point, I just felt so terrible about myself. I was just drowning myself in booze. I mean, nightly. I mean, I've, you know, that's 25 years ago. And that's like, you know, nightly just blacking out, waking up, doing construction, knowing my friends are, you know, off to college, having fun.

And I'm just sad and living in my dad's basement, paying him rent, working construction. So I think he tried to. I just didn't think he didn't know what to say. Like, I kind of alluded to my sister like basically was like straight and narrow and out of the house. So like then here comes along me who is just floundering is the best way to put it. And just I was really sad and didn't have a lot of self-love. Yeah. And that's a, that's a really tough spot to be because then it's hard to, you know, kind of get out of it.

The spot too, during my addiction of a spot like I always had this one question that would ring in my head, right? Like, how did it get here? Yeah, how did I end up here with all these opportunities growing up, you know, loving parents and things were just so good in every opportunity to not end up where I ended up. And then it was just like, you look back in the mirror a couple years later and it was like, wow. Yeah. You know, what happened here? So you have all this kind of stuff happening to around, you know, 19, 20.

I mean, does this just, does this carry on? because I know a lot of people too get stuck in that cycle, right, of doing something they don't really enjoy and then it just kind of rinse and repeats. What was it like for you? Yeah, so a friend of mine had moved to Seattle and he's like, hey, you want to come live on my boat? Well, basically anything's better than paying rent to my dad in the basement. So sure. So I moved to an island outside of Seattle, which, you know, I was working. I was working in restaurants and stuff like that.

And then I started bartending. And so, you know, restaurant business, anybody who's worked in that, it's full-blown party environment. Then you put the handles to the 747, the bar, to a guy like me who, and I just rode with it. I made a ton of money and I drank a ton. And I mean, I drank a ton. And somehow in all of it, I started going to community college because I was like,

I don't know if I want to do this for the rest of my life working in the restaurant business. And so I ended up getting into University of Washington. And at that point, after my dad had kind of been like, oh, you know, I'm not going to help out with school. Once I got it, he's like, you need to get off the island and move to in towards Seattle. So I moved in towards Seattle and I did really well at University of Washington, all while maintaining nightly drinking. I mean, I just had this ability to really go hard and still keep my grades. I ended up getting an internship with a great organization. and I managed to keep that.

And I would, you know, at the end of the day, though, it was, you know, whether it was four, six or eight p.m. or 11 p.m. when work ended, it was always time to drink for me. There was never not a time to drink. It was, you know, I think I've heard you say, you know, if the day ended and why, if it was, you know, O'clock, sure, it's time to drink for me. Yeah. But in those days, you were able to kind of, it sounds like it anyway, let me know if I'm wrong here, kind of keep things a little bit separate, right?

Like you're drinking time and then your work time? And like, is your time for school? Like, you were able to still manage the differences there in a sense. I think I was just so good at hiding things. Like, like, I didn't, I was never, I was never a day drinker, even on like Saturdays. That's, like, kind of the weird thing. Like, yeah. But I would nightly drink enough to black out.

like six, seven beers, shots, you know, up to a pint, pint and a half of hard liquor. I mean, I was a shots guy. Like, I was the, quote, agent of chaos, according to my friends. Because I'd show up and, you know, it'd be a chill evening. And then it's like shots, shots. And I could party until three or four in the morning and then wake up and get to school, do my stuff, show up at my job. It was kept together, but it wasn't because there was always this like, what am I doing?

Like, I have all this on my plate right now, but I can some, but I can somehow maintain it. But I was maintaining it at, you know, probably, they're definitely not my best level, which was sad because it's like I could, I have all of this, you know, this amazing school, this amazing job opportunity. And yet I go home or not home. I go to the bar or go home and just plow through leifer. I mean, it still astonishes me the amount of alcohol that I could drink while taking it, you know, having a full-time job, taking a full load at school. I mean, it's just ridiculous. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing, too, is I think that there's a lot of us that kind of fall into that category where we're able to still keep things in our life together, you know, for a bit where they don't all fall apart and still, like, show up for the job and still do a lot of drinking on the side, too.

Yeah. Was there anything else going on in your life or is that pretty much your schedule? Like, show for the job and then find out if it's a bar or a party or what you're going to be doing for drinking? Yeah, a lot of the drinking was alone because I was kind of a little bit older when I was at school. So, and I lived near campus. So not necessarily alone, but like meeting people, like one or two people at a bar or going to a sporting event or a concert. It wasn't really like party involved. And, you know, I would leave friends.

and like, well, the bar's open until two, so I'll go here and hang out and, you know, BS with somebody random. Alcohol is just such an incredible constant in my life looking back on it that I don't really know what, if there was anything going on. It's just, it was booze and weed, quite frankly. I mean, I'd love to the, what is it called, the crossfade.

Yeah, where, like, I do like 10, 20 milligrams of edibles, like in the later years earlier on. It was more smoking pot, but I'd do both to such excess. I'm just so grateful that I never got into anything harder, that alcohol and weed was kind of just my thing. So, yeah, no, I made it through University of Washington, graduated. Yeah, and then got offered a job and moved. And, you know, one consistent, too, is that alcohol was in my life.

And no matter where I moved, like, my alcohol patterns never really changed. Like, except for that one year in Tahoe, nothing changed. Yeah. Did you ever tell yourself, like, you wanted things to change or like when I go here, do you ever have that thought process? Oh, without a doubt. Morning's waking up and saying, gosh, this is just, you know, this is not how I want to be. And then, you know, well, I'm going to move here.

When I move here, this is what's going to happen. Or when I get this apartment, you know, I'm not going to do that anymore because I'm going to, you know, I'm going to create this schedule or I'm going to work out or. You know, and maybe it lasts a few weeks if I'm lucky. Yeah. Yeah, that's a really, like, I mean, a common thing too. I mean, I woke up for an entire year every day. And I would only go to the, when I went over to the food line, every day,

I would only buy enough beer for that night. And then I was like, I'm going to quit tomorrow. I did that insanity for an entire year every day. And then I'd be like, oh, what's one more night? One more night, not going to change anything, right? talk myself into it again, be at the same place, get the Keystone like, get two packs of Marlboro, menthol cigarettes because they were buy one, get one free. You know, just the insanity of it all, right? Yeah. So moving forward, I mean, so you moved again for this other job?

Yeah, I moved, moved for a job and got there and the job was phenomenal. The people I worked for was they were amazing, just the, from the support structure of the job to the people that I met, just absolutely phenomenal. And I ended up meeting my wife, who took a little while to get her to agree to date me. But I can't say enough about, I mean, I had the key to everything. And I just always felt compelled to drink.

Yeah. Anybody else know? Did anybody in your life know how things were for you with the drinking or no? Looking back, I'm like, how did they not? But a lot of people have been like, we had no idea. And I'm like, you did, like, because, you know, I would, I would show up, you know, not in the best of shape. And I'd still do it to what I, looking back, it's like, wow, I did it at kind of a high level.

But I, I, I just don't, when I tell people, family members, friends, or people that were around, they're like, really? But you didn't, you didn't show up to work and like, start to, no, never, you know, I didn't drink and drive. There was none of kind of that activity going on. It was just when I got to a place where I knew I could drink, I drank and I drank a lot. Basically, at that point, by the time that I'm getting into like borderline blackout territory, basically like every night. And real scary, like, especially before I started dating my wife, like, walking home from a bar in a city that I have like absolutely no idea where I really am, you know, like. Yeah. Just point and go.

go. So how old were you here when you took this other job? About 28 years old. Okay. So yeah, at that point, things had progressed to where it was really, really heavy. Like, not that it wasn't before, because I just, I can't remember not drinking that way, kind of until, like, once I got out of high school nightly. You know, the nights that I wouldn't drink, I was just too hungover to be able to handle it. And that was rare because I was really good at it. Yeah. You had a system.

Oh, yeah. I mean, and so at the point that I was at, it was, you know, we'd work. Sometimes we work late and then just go right to the bar. I had no responsibilities. I had cheap rent and I was getting paid really well. So that was my extracurricular activity. Like, well, what do you do outside of work? I drink, which is really sad when I think.

about it in some ways because, you know, you have so many talents and so many things that you could, you know, now my interest, like, I'm like, I want to do this. I want to do that. And, you know, then I was just numbing everything about myself with, with booze. Yeah. Did you ever get like insight or vision or feeling about why you were drinking all the time? And the reason I ask that is because I think sometimes we can get caught up in it, right? Like, it's fun. And, you know, there might be those elements to it, but I think for a lot of us, like, the fun is very slim if there is any fun left in it compared to the chaos or the other stuff. And I'm just wondering that if you had any of that insight into like, you know, why, why am I drinking like this?

In hindsight, yes, at the time, I just thought I was like being the fun party guy. You know, I think I always knew that I had like this kind of inherent sadness from. my mom passing away, that hole in my life that will honestly never be filled. But, you know, I was trying to fill it like, you know, fill the cup up, this sadness and just kind of squash it and keep it down. And so, you know, it's like if I, if I show up hung over every morning or irritated, you know, and I was really just always really bad, like most every day is, you know, kind of cranky and that progressed to worse and worse later on. But I think it was just that sadness of knowing that I lost something that will never be replaced

and not knowing how to process it and rather than try to process it and do the work to process it and think about it and really face it and go through it, I was avoiding all of those feelings and alcohol is tremendous partner in that type of activity. And talk about just numbing.

Bye. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. A lot of people too share sort of something like this, of like it works until it doesn't, right? Yeah. It works to help cover up all that stuff or helps do the numbing,

but then a lot of people sharing their story, like they kind of fade a crossroads to where it's like, oh my gosh, it's a scary spot to be because there's one thing that I've leaned on my entire life to kind of like take care of me, my best friends, some people might say or something you can always rely on and then get to a spot where it's like,

hang, this isn't working anymore. Yeah, it did. I mean, it'd be like the best way to put it, it kind of rocked me to sleep every night. You know, I didn't really have my mom to do that. And like, I have a little boy now and I look at him and I'm like, I was your age when I lost my mom. Like, and it just boggles my mind and it worked.

It worked great. It put me to sleep. I'd wake up. I'd be like, oh, that was crazy. But yeah, it kind of, it kind of just rocked me to sleep every night so that I could like settle into my sadness. And then I'd wake up. And it was still there.

It didn't remove it permanently. Yeah, yeah. And so your wife or girlfriend at the time, you guys start dating and stuff, how does that go? It was good. I mean, she never, I mean, she still drinks, but it was never like me. I mean, and so, but I was like the fun party guy and we traveled and we, you know, did all these cool things. And so I think she probably always knew, like, this is a little much, but it was like, I kept it together. I kept my job.

We got a house. You know what I mean? Like, it's kind of like, what's the big deal? You know, if he's holding on to all these things. And, you know, I never really got like, I never got angry or like I wasn't like a mean drunk. Like I just love to drink. by that. It's so interesting there too because you kind of hit on some of those points too about

from the outside looking in, you know, things look pretty good. What about the insides? How were you actually feeling during these times? Just so sad. And thinking that I was going to find this happiness like in so many other places like my job or, you know, if we get married and we have kids, like that's where my happiness

is going to be found. And I just feel like this root of sadness in my life from losing my mom at such a young age always propelled by drinking. And it never left me. And I could mask it up. You know, you take a few shots. You start feeling great. And, oh, let's go see this band. And the music hits. And, you know, it's almost as if it's just that, that. That's a good. You know, that max that you put on every day. And I was pulling the wool over my own eyes and saying like, oh, I'm fine. Oh, yeah, you know, no word where I'm just having fun.

Oh, it's going to be okay. And, you know, look at me. I'm moving forward. Look at me. I'm moving forward. But I wasn't moving forward internally or emotionally. And things just kind of kept like they never, the drinking never got worse, like worse,

really because I always drank a lot. It's just day to day how I dealt with life got worse. So it's like alcohol was always in the equation, but then it was like the next day would get everything would get worse and worse and worse. And then when we move to where we are now, my job was less fulfilling. I left the job because my boss retired. I still love the place. I love the organization.

They were wonderful to me. I can't say enough wonderful things about them. But I left for family reasons. And my boss had retired and the dynamic changed. And so it was a good time to move on. And when we moved here, my career fulfillment to basically zero. I got a job. It was quite miserable.

And I made it worse because now the alcohol was like, at first I was just escaping my feelings. And now I was escaping my life. Because before my life was pretty cool. Does that make sense? Like I was doing a lot of cool things. And my job was really neat. And then we got here and it was that now I was just, I wanted to escape my life. And it's not that I wanted to escape my wife.

I certainly didn't want to escape my kids. But I wanted to escape the 8 a.m. to about 5 p.m. that I had to live every day. And I did it really efficiently. Yeah. So when you made this last move, your kids were with you? Yeah, so they, so we moved. My daughter at the time was one and now she's 10. And so yeah, we we moved and I immediately got a job and it was like, oh, this is so great. And within the year, I was like, this is terrible, but, you know, jobs are kind of few and far between in

in small rural areas. And so I kept it. And I held on to it. And I held onto it really hard. And, you know, then COVID hit. And like, honestly, my drinking kind of still day nightly. Like, I know I hear a lot of stories about people's, you know, alcohol intake ramped up. I just kept drinking a lot.

And it was just, well, now I don't have to show up. So honestly, for me, it was like. Yeah, I drank a ton, but I didn't have to go and deal with that anymore. So it was kind of like a vacation from the part of my life that I really, really hated. So now there was like the sadness, of course, the unprocessed sadness of my mom, but also going back after COVID. It was like now that just anger of hating my job just steams right back up. So yeah. So you went back to the same job then afterwards?

Yeah, we were kept our job. And I was grateful for that. But going back, it was just super miserable. And I ended up at the end of that job, I was involved in, how do I put it? I was defending someone and I defended her against the wrong person and I ended up getting fired. A month after I decided to stop drinking. Wow. Walk us through like what it was like for you at the end.

And before you even quit, did anybody ever? mentioned up to this point, like, hey, you should have a look at this or you should quit? Like, did that come around or no? Not really. There was no like sit down or, I mean, I think it was really all internally. And maybe that's just me. Maybe I wasn't like here. Nobody really see, you know, every now and again, people would be like, wow, dude, you went hard this weekend. But there wasn't a whole lot of, like, it was just how everyone knew me. Like, even friends from home. Like, they just knew me as the guy he drank a lot. And I got West Nile virus, like three weeks before I made the decision.

And from my understanding, I had just destroyed my immune system to such a point. I was, like, about 40 pounds heavier than I am now. My blood pressure was like 168 over 120 something when I went in for an allergy shot. And the nurses were like, it's not okay. And I just, there was just this point where I, I said enough is enough. I mean, I had scratched and clawed a little bit, you know, a month off here, a month off there over the years. Somebody bet me once. And in hindsight, looking at it, like, my old boss, who is a wonderful, wonderful man, he was like, I'll bet you $500 that you can't not drink for a month.

And realistically, when you think, I thought like, oh, he just, you know, I thought it was like goodhearted. really what he was telling me was, so he kind of to answer your question, he was probably saying, you drink weight to, what can I do to motivate this guy that not drink? Because like, I'm watching this and this is not good.

So in a roundabout way to get to answer that part of your question. Yeah, like I think people, maybe people were saying it, but they weren't, you know, maybe I just don't listen well enough. Don't ask my wife that.

But that I never heard it, you know? Yeah. So it was just, so it was like a buildup of a bunch of different things, right? Drinking like that too, I mean, it would be hard anyway for me to imagine to kind of, you know, carry on that for like forever, right? Oh, it would still live, right? Well, I was killing myself.

And I think that the sadness and I was slowly killing myself. There's no doubt in my mind that even now, a year and four months later, that if I had kept that up, I probably wouldn't, like I would have probably had a heart attack or, you know, with my blood pressure the way it was and that I wouldn't,

wouldn't have made it. Thinking back on it, like I've told my doctor how I used to dray. And he was like, well, let's go in for like a scan. And he's like, now I just have my physical.

And he's like, whatever you're doing, keep it up. If what you said to me, is true, then this is exceptional and like just the fact that I'm intact and don't have any internal issues. And, you know, my thought process is like, who would, who would lie about that? Like, that kid's not something, is that something that I'm like, man, gosh, I really happy. I feel like I wasted a lot of time in a lot of ways. I don't regret, you know, things, but

there's a lot of time I could have used in more positive ways. Yeah, yeah. So when you were kind of coming to this crossroads of like, I need to do something different. I mean, it was, yeah, I mean, drinking as much as sort of you shared here and you shared with me before. What were some of your fears going into this thing? Or did you have any of like, how am I going to navigate this?

Or what am I going to do in these different situations? Or what were your thoughts there? Like, as far as sobriety? Yeah. I knew that I was a present dad in the sense that I was doing stuff, but I wasn't present, right? And I was a supportive husband, but I wasn't, like, really as supportive as I could be. And so I just looked at it as like, I can't keep doing this for my family. I got to change for me to stay alive.

And I did it for me. And that's what I've told my daughter. have said like, you know, alcohol made Daddy not the best. And I need to not do that anymore. But as far as navigating it, I just realistically look at it. Every day that I wake up and I feel good. Every day that I wake up and it's like 5.30 in the morning and I get the privilege to go downstairs and not feel like garbage and meditate and stretch.

And if I want to lift weights, which I hate doing it, but I still do it because it's good as us guys get older, or get on the treadmill and do all these things that I neglected myself of that make me feel good and feel whole versus filling that just cup of sadness. I just, every day, I'm like, it's not worth it. It's never worth it for me to decide, like, well, today, you know, I can just try a little. I know I can't have one drink. Like, it wasn't a possibility when I was 14. It wasn't a possibility when I was 21.

It wasn't a possibility of 30. And it wasn't at 43 up until two September's a dough. It just wasn't. I just, you hand me a drink. It's a night out. Yeah. What did your wife think?

Like, did you talk with her about it when you had made this decision? She basically was like, whatever you need to do, I support you. And I've kind of, you know, know, my friends say that I'm like an all or nothing kind of guy. So I didn't, I wanted to do it for me so badly that I didn't really want to hold anybody's hand doing it. And so I didn't put any expectations on her. And she really was super supportive. And like, I was like, I want to change my diet. I want to change, because, you know, I want to change a bunch of things, not all at once, but slowly

build. I want to change my, my healthy habits. So the alarm clock's going to go off at 515 in the morning, which, you know, when you're climbing through booze nightly, 515, no, that's not a thing. You know, I'd, sure, I'd wake up at 3 o'clock with my heart racing and miserable, but, you know, when I was drinking. But she has been fully supportive and it's like, I think it's taken a lot for her to get used to because it's almost like dealing with a new person. I respond. I don't react now. I hear. I, you know, I hear what she's saying.

I'm not just like pretending, not pretending like I'm listening, but I'm not just like standing there, okay, okay. I try to hear it. My level of patience is. So she's all about it. It's just we haven't, we never really like discussed it too much. I talk about it, but it's kind of just been my journey that she's kind of been like the wind, like behind me, but like just.

Not really pushing me, but just kind of there. I know she's always there. One very profound moment after I stopped, I went home to help sell my father's house, the house I grew up in. And I was hanging out with some old guy friends, best friends on the planet for 40 years now. And we finished the night and it was 1 a.m. and I'm two months in and these three guys were, they were drinking. And I was like, hey, I'm going to go home. I'm going to drive home, which never would have happened. you know, three months before this. And as I'm leaving, they all get me a hug and I'm walking out. And my buddy comes to the door after I was about to get in the car.

And he just looks out and he says, dude, I'm so freaking proud of you. And that's resonated with. I actually talked with him the other day. And he was just saying, he's like, for a guy like you and for what, you know, you were doing for so long to have made the changes, it's just so cool. to see because he's one of those guys growing up, he could turn it off and on. You can go and have three, four beers at night and it's fun

and then be good for a few days. So everybody's been super supportive. I think they notice a big change. Yeah. Do you notice a big change? Yes. I feel more enjoyment out of life than I've ever felt.

I feel authentically sad when I'm sad and I feel authentically happy when I'm happy. And I feel present when I'm actually present, not just like saying like, well, you know, I don't, I don't yell my kids. I don't cream at my wife, you know, but so I'm a good, you know, it's like I'm walking the walk I always wanted to walk and knew I could walk. And it feels really good to be an authentic me and I've been going to therapy for five years. And that that's just been huge, really kind of accepting the sadness part of my life and that it was hard and it wasn't okay. And it's not normal for kids to grow up with out of mom. Like, just because I grew up in a privileged environment financially doesn't

mean that life was Kikwa in that sense of emotionally. Yeah. Oh, that's great. I think I heard you I mentioned earlier too about therapy and I think that that's a really good place for you to land. And I'm happy to hear that you've been doing it for five years too. I mean, it tells you can tell when you hear somebody's story who's putting in the work and doing what needs to be done. I know the word work is sort of a loaded word in a sense, but people that are showing up and taking this into their lives and, you know, especially like showing up as a father too. I was interested about what that experience was like for you, too,

like being a father and like how, you know, maybe if things have changed from before and now, and like I think it's always a work in progress for us. At least it is for me. What are your thoughts on it? I feel like there's just so much more joy than when I was drinking of being adept. Like, I'm able to connect with my children on such a different level. and it's been, I feel like a little bit of regret for some of the little things that I probably missed just because I was, I was still here, but I wasn't like fully here.

Because I was never like out at the bars or anything like that. But the way I'm able to be present for my kids and the level of calm that I can bring when, you know, I mean, they're kids. they do stuff that you're like, what? But the responding and not reacting to them, I think is going to be so big for them in the future. You know, it's maybe not necessarily right now, but where they're going to have someone in their life that is consciously responding to them with like a full heart and not this mind of, you know, well, this frustrated me and this.

Because I could always justify everything before. and now just the way that I communicate with my kids and the way that my wife and I communicate, like it's, you know, everything doesn't, it's not that everything get better. I feel that like everything just gets more easy and sensible to deal with. Like, it's like, wait, I don't have to overreact to this. I can walk through this. I can communicate through this. And the mountains of regret either the next day or at the end.

of the day of stupid things said. They flow to my children. It flows to my wife, I think, the commonness. Yeah, a lot of people share about that too, just like the piece, right? Like the drinking story is like highs and lows, you know, every night we're riding the wave and then every morning it's back down. But the sober, not drinking life is more like in the middle, right? Like, it's not these big highs and these not these big lows. But it can feel a lot of people talk about too and I can relate it can feel like kind of like boredom at first it's like what the heck is going on I'm used to what's your name the agent of chaos you're used to the chaos and now it's like you know especially in the beginning it's like here's this life right and I've

been living X amount of years this other way how do I sort of settle into this life that is more eventful but the events are different in in the feelings that come and go are different but I love the way you put that about like being present but but being present like actually being engaged and being in there and the communication. I mean, all that stuff does. Like I think it really helps out the relationships. I'm always like alcohol takes a lot more than we ever realize. You know, because we think alcohol, whatever, it costs money, we get hung over. But we look back at your story and I think you're hinting on it here. It's like you had more to give, you know, maybe in school. you kind of dropped out of the sports when you really could have excelled more there.

And, you know, with the job and with the relationships and stuff, you know, and it gets in the way. And I think it in our health, too, and not everybody is drinking every day and drinking heavy, but I still even think my buddy Todd, I had him on the podcast and he says his book, I didn't believe it either. And, you know, he had his own drinking story and stuff. But I think everybody can benefit from not drinking alcohol because whether it's a little or lot. We just don't realize we can't see it when we're wrapped up in it, what it's actually taken from our life. Yeah. The feeling of feeling, which I probably haven't done up until I stopped drinking for like over three decades, the feeling of feeling, well, you know, they're not always

great feelings, but like they pass is something that I feel like I don't take for granted anymore. like it sets in me and even when it's bad but when it's good it feels everything feels so real now whereas i was just masking so much before that that realness while sometimes it's bitter and hard it's authentic and it's true and that's what's so cool yeah i feel like that's the human experience i think that that's that you just kind of summed it up what i kind of drum up is the human experience is being sober and in feeling all of this stuff but i mean Great work, John. And I really appreciate you coming on here to share. I'm just thinking to somebody who's listening to this episode that might be, you know, thinking about getting sober,

thinking about, you know, making these changes or somebody who already is sober and is maybe struggling a little bit. What would you share with them, you know, from your experience? That it's well worth it. Just think about how much better tomorrow morning will be. Because every time I think about how great the night might get, if I choose, like, oh, well, this one time, We're going to listen to music or be around the bonfire. And then I wake up that next morning, if we're, like, camping in the bonfire. And I look at the sunrise and everybody else is still asleep. And I'm like, I wouldn't be watching this.

I wouldn't be feeling this. I wouldn't be true to myself. So just stick true to yourself and yourself is your most authentic you. And the best way to reach down to that is without alcohol. Yeah. Love that. Love that. Anything else that we missed that you want to share before we sign off?

No, I appreciate the opportunity. I hope that, you know, maybe some of the things I said, my story is a little different because I didn't do a program. I didn't have any sort of real, like, dramatic low points or bottoms. But it was one consistent, very long bottom, I think, is when I really look back and dive into it. And my hope is just that people can just keep going one day at a time. I know that's pretty cliche, but it's so true in so many levels because every morning you wake up, it feels like it just gets better. Yeah, it does.

It's actually interesting when you said that about the bottoms thing and then you shared the next line. That's exactly what I was thinking. I was like, John, it was like 20 or 30 years. Yeah. You know, of drinking and waking up and going through that cycle, right? Does it surprise you at all to where you're at in your life today? Absolutely. I should be dead.

There's no, there's no, like not dead from like, oh, he was going to give you in a car accident type thing. Like, I have consumed enough to have very serious health problems at this point. And there are moments where I'm like, no matter what, like, I mean, I'm running my small business now and, you know, and things are hard for everybody. So I'm not some sort of unique case, but no matter what, I wake up. And I'm like, I'm still doing this. I'm still trying.

I'm still putting every ounce of effort I have into myself, which it then trickles out to my family and the people that and my friends and the people that I love most and they see it and they feel it. And it makes it worth it every single day. It really does. Yeah. Awesome. Well, thanks again, John.

Yeah. Thank you, Brad. I appreciate it. Well, there it is. Everyone, another incredible episode here on the podcast. Thanks again, John, for jumping on and sharing with. us. I'll drop John's Instagram handle down in the show notes below if you want to just reach out to him and let them know. Thank you for sharing a story and being interested in the whole thing. And also being a fan of the podcast, too.

Makes for a really great story. Thank you guys. Like I mentioned in the beginning of the episode two, if you want to donate to support the show, I'll drop the link down on the show notes. Or you can head over to buy me a coffee.com slash sober motivation. You can sign up there for monthly memberships and all kinds of cool stuff. Thank you guys so much. Can't wait to get the next one out there in no time. And I'll see you on the next one.