Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - Dan knew early on that his drinking was different from that of his peers, but a life without alcohol seemed so far away.

Episode Date: November 30, 2023

In this episode, Dan bravely shares his journey towards sobriety. He dives into his past, speaking about the childhood sexual abuse he endured and how this led him to use alcohol as a coping mechanism. Despite these significant struggles, he found strength in his determination not to give up and decided to take control of his life. Dan shares how helpful therapy was in processing his traumatic experiences and how turning to books and podcasts, like 'The Sober Motivation Podcast', helped him maintain his sobriety. Now 140 days sober, Dan shares the clarity he has found in his life and the increased appreciation he now has for everyday things once taken for granted.   Also on this episode I sat down with Dan Karaty the Author of If I'm Being Honest. Dan shares some of the details about writing the book and the reasons behind it. --------------- 👉 Check Out the SobahSistahs Retreat Info here: https://sobahsistahs.com/bali-2024 👉 Follow Dan here: https://www.instagram.com/donato__withcheeze/ 👉 More information on SoberLink: www.soberlink.com/recover 👉 Grab Charmaine's ‘Delicious & Doable ~ Recipes For Real and Everyday Life’ Cookbook: 👇 https://www.amazon.ca/Delicious-Doable-Recipes-Real-Everyday/dp/1989304559

Welcome to Season 3 of the Suburmotivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible, inspiring, and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode, Dan Bravely shares his journey towards sobriety. He dives into his past speaking about the childhood sexual abuse he endured and how this led him to use alcohol as a coping mechanism.

Despite these significant struggles, he found strength in his determination. to not give up and decided to take control of his life. Dan shares how helpful therapy was in processing his traumatic experiences and outturning to books and podcasts like the Suburmotivation podcast helped him maintain his sobriety. Now with over 140 days sober, Dan shares the clarity he has found in his life and the increased appreciation he now has for everyday things he once took for granted. And this is Dan's story on the Subur Motivation Podcast.

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Here's a quick update from Soba Sisters, your go-to community for women's sobriety and empowerment. Megan from Soba Sisters is hosting two incredible sober retreats, Bali in April and Vermont in May. These retreats are all about empowering your sober journey in magical settings and building friendships to last a lifetime. If you're interested, head over to Soba Sisters.com slash balie dash 2024 for more details.

If you've been a fan of the show for a while, going all the way back to episode number two, Megan came on the podcast and shared her story. I'm definitely grateful for the friendship that Megan and I have developed over the years working together on several projects. Check out these retreats that she's putting together. She's already done a couple, and they've been nothing short of incredible.

And I've got to give another huge shout out to her other new sponsor. Charmaine, cooking show host and author of Delicious and Doable Recipes for Real and Everyday Life. Charmaine prides herself on living a drug and alcohol-free lifestyle, and she's also a huge fan of the show. So if you're hungry for fun, delicious, and doable dishes, Charmaine's collection of over 70 mouthwatering recipes

will be sure to please your hungry gang. Pumpkin muffins with coconut crumbled toppings, lemon walnut tuna melts, cranberry turkey burgers with sweet horseradish mayo, and grilled chocolate sandwiches are just a few of the fabulous and flavorful dishes. You will enjoy preparing and devouring with ease. Check out Charmaine's cookbook today. I'll drop the link in the show notes below to the Amazon listing. Let's go.

Hey, how's it going, everyone? Welcome back to another episode. I just want to give everyone a heads up that Dan does share a little bit of his experience with childhood sexual abuse in this episode. So just be aware of that. Also, I want to encourage you to stick around to the end because I sat down with my friend Dan Carity as he shares with us the reason behind his new book, if I'm being honest. So check out that interview at the end.

I hope you enjoyed the show. Now let's get to it. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got my friend Dan with us. Dan, how are you? Good, man. How are you? I'm well, man.

I'm glad that you reached out and that we're jumping on here. sharing your story. Sure, absolutely. Absolutely. My pleasure. Yeah. What was it like for you growing up? I would say I had a pretty typical childhood for the most part. My parents were really good parents. It weren't perfect, but nobody's parents are. They sacrificed a lot for us, sent us to private school and stuff like that. But I guess if there was several instances, I experienced childhood sexual abuse from an older relative. It started when I was probably like seven years old. It continued until I was about 11. And at the time, obviously when you're a child, you don't know how to process that at all. You don't understand what's happening and what is happening. Does it make sense?

It just was incredibly confusing experience, overwhelming. And this older relative of mine, She was very manipulative and controlling as far as abuse is concerned. So as I've discovered since going to therapy for the past five years, that added a whole another layer to my mental health, basically, and how that rippled out over my life, essentially, from that moment on. And nobody in my family knew that happened for nearly 20 years. The only person I told prior to opening up to my family was my wife. She was really one of the first people.

And actually, I took that back, Brad. The first person I ever shared that with, I was in my teens, probably 16 or 17 was someone who I thought was a friend. And back, we were 16, 17 years old. You don't know how to process that at that age either. But I just felt like I had to tell someone. And in that moment, whether it was nervousness or. Not understanding. He made fun of me about it because my abuser was a female. I'm a male. That unfortunately

happens. But that also had another ripple effect where I was just like, why am I going to talk about this? If I'm just going to be made fun of and feel shame about something that I had no control over, I'll just keep this inside. So I guess if there was a moment or a traumatic experience in my childhood, that really was it. Yeah, very. Madden experience, especially the way, and when you share it with someone, you had to get that feedback from it, that only reinforces that keeping it quiet. A lot of people I hear when they share those experiences, Dan, they connect with after this experience. They really close themselves off to the world. Was it like that for you? Yeah, definitely, definitely. And it wasn't immediate. It was a slow progression. I would say the shutting down over time. And it really, manifested in anger mostly. I was not an easy sibling. I was not an easy child for my parents to raise. A tremendous amount of anger just from that experience. And I didn't know how to tell anybody. I was

afraid that if I did tell anybody that one I would either be made fun of and also the manipulation tactics that my abuse are used, she would constantly beat into my head. If you say anything, we're going to get in trouble. And when you're a child, the last thing you want ever is to get in trouble. So yes, to answer your question, I essentially shut down, stopped enjoying things that I had previously enjoyed. And it was, like I said, I believe, if I remember correctly, it started around when I was seven. So it was pretty early on, obviously. But as time went on, I just really did progressively become more introverted and really didn't open up to anybody. And like now, I have two brothers, two younger brothers, one's about two years younger than me and then the other seven years.

And my brother that's a couple years younger than me, his friends will still occasionally reach at them and be like, man, your brother was such an asshole growing up. And knowing now what the reason why my brother's, yeah, there's more to this story. You know, that definitely I experienced that for sure. Yeah, it's that part too. When we're younger, we don't necessarily know where to go with everything, how to talk about it, how to process this stuff, and how to work through it, and then we just keep it in, and then it grows, and then it's coming out in the anger type thing. Where did you grow up? We grew up probably like 30, 45 minutes outside of Baltimore, like a suburban, a little bit of

a mix of a rural area. We've experienced all aspects of that. We're not out in the sticks, but we're not really in the city either. Just mixed community, really, is what I would describe it as. And then I guess to jump into like when my drinking started, I had my first drink when I was probably 13 or 14. And that was actually growing up where we grew up, I spent a lot of time around farms. That was like my first job was working on farms. It's mostly blue collar out our way.

But there's a decent mix. But being a part of that rural farming community, that's a big part of that. A big part of that blue collar, that's what you do at the end of the day. you have a couple of beers in the shop and shoot the shit. And that first drink I had when I was 13 or 14, it was with some older guys, didn't really enjoy it, to be honest. If I remember, I think it was like vodka or something and soda, and it just really didn't enjoy it.

And that was really it. All through high school, again, I'm sure because of what I experienced is it. I really did shut down. I've had the same best friend since kindergarten. He and I are like brothers. And I didn't really let a whole lot of other people in other than a handful of really close friends. Didn't have the easiest time in high school either. I went to an all-boy school, which throw a bunch of guys together.

There's a lot of testosterone and a lot of egos, stuff like that. Which looking back, I think, might have had something to do with this. I was terrible at talking to girls, had zero self-worth, zero confidence in myself. And really, when I got to college, I went away to college for a couple years, a small agriculture school and had plans of either becoming a large animal veterinarian or getting into farming. And I thought, this is smaller. I'll get to know people better. It's not a big university. This will probably be a better fit for me.

And nothing against the school that I attended, but being a smaller community, being a smaller college, there really wasn't much to do. outside of drinking on the weekends and being away, being out of my own, not being at home anymore, alcohol was everywhere. And from the get-go, looking back, I certainly had a problem. Immediately, probably within the first two months, started meeting some new friends. We got a little bit of that liquid courage, started talking to girls, something I had never been able to do in the past and it just very quickly progressed into a problem that I had no control over. Yeah, that's a theme for college, right? We get in there. There's less guidance and there's that thing to try to fit in and find where we belong. Some people are going to maybe find

it in academics and I'm with you, man. I found it in the parties. I found it with hanging out. And that's just what we did. And it slowly crept up to play more and more of a role in the life. I talk about it a lot on the show, but for me it was almost that sacrifice of I knew it wasn't probably the best direction to go, but I just wanted to belong and fit in somewhere. So it was well worth the sacrifice of it maybe going against what I wanted to do. But I was like, hey, and it's hard too because everybody's doing it this way it looks, right? Exactly. And I remember now that today's 140 days sober today. and the clarity that has come to that, not just emotionally and mentally, but looking back on my

drinking habits, it's really eye-opening. And I remember now, like it was yesterday, getting ready to go to my chemistry two class at 10.30 in the morning and saying to my roommate or whoever, hey, let's do a couple shots before we go to class. And I remember them looking at me like, what are you talking about? No, it's. 10.30 in the morning. Sure, maybe later, but not right now. And I remember thinking to myself, what's wrong with you guys? We can literally do whatever we want. We can drink and go to class. This is awesome. This is the greatest thing ever. And that really continued. I ended up not finishing. I left college early because it wasn't a fit for me. Another thing that I've discovered

with the trauma recovery, with the sexual abuse, is that a lot of people who experience that tend to try and people please, try and keep the focus off of what we think or what we perceive everyone can see. When you experience something like that, even though I had told no one, I felt as though that's why I couldn't talk to girls. I felt as though that's why I only had a small group of friends because everyone could see this billboard flashing over top of my head that this guy is damaged goods. He's been abused. You don't want anything to do with him. And the alcohol in a way masked that and gave me that confidence. It quieted those memories that were that are still with me.

It's not something you ever forget. You just learn to cope with and deal with that. That probably obviously was a big red flag. And that really continued. After I left college, I came back home and started working on a local farm. And the thing that we did, and nothing against this guy. I think it, you know, he was a little bit older than me, and I think this was just, again, a part of that culture. But looking back, when we finished for the day or whatever, if we went to go check on some fields to see how they were doing,

we took a 30 pack with us and we're driving around with a 30 pack with, you know what I mean? And that was every day. If we didn't do that, I would have been like, what's going on? Is somebody sick? You know, this doesn't make any sense. And even if there was a rain day, when we were just doing stuff in the shop, by 12 o'clock, better believe we were cracking into them. And I was 21, 22 at the time, and it just snowballed from there.

I ended up switching careers. I'm now an arborist. I work for a local tree company, actually for my best friend's family business, which is great, because it's like working with family for me. and that provided a level of stability that I don't think I had felt before. And this kind of transitioned my drinking a little bit because I wanted to make sure I did a good job for them. I didn't want to disappoint those guys. It was a really good career opportunity for me.

So I took that as like, all right, now you've got to grow up with your drinking. So then I transitioned to, I'll just do it on the weekend. If I'm just doing it on Fridays and Saturdays, what's the harm in that? As long as I can maintain a job, what's the big deal? Because, like I've heard on your podcast several times, if I'm not that guy in the gutter with a brown paper bag, I can't have a problem. And I think that's the biggest lie that whether it's society or the alcohol industry has sold us, like, that's not the case at all.

And I didn't realize that until 140 days ago, unfortunately. But, you know, that kind of set the stage for the past 15 years, basically. I would fluctuate. Sometimes I would, you know, have a few during the week here or there. I would always be able to keep it to two or three. And then on the weekends, I would binge and just would be nothing to have 20 beers on a Friday night or seltzers or whatever. And I could switch from drink to drink. If I went, if I started with beers, I'd be finishing with gin and tonics like it was nothing.

and that just caught up with me after a while. So that was the theme then for 15 years, yeah. Yeah. When was the first time, was it early on that you, maybe the thought popped in your head of, maybe I've got a problem with this? Maybe my drinking is different. Was that in college that you thought of that? Or did you think that at the time when the boys were like,

what the heck's going on here, Dan? I think periodically I would think that to myself and not on a conscious level. It's not like I would sit there and be. like, oh man, what am I doing? Every once in a while, I would have a really bad headache or a really bad hangover or a blackout experience and I'd be like, all right, I got to cut back. But never did the thought enter in my mind like, I got to quit this. I have a problem. Unfortunately, I don't want to say the main reason for my sobriety, but a huge part of it is it probably has brought about the failure of my marriage to my wife, which is devastating. And it's something that we're both still

trying to work through and figure out, but it got to a point where she just couldn't take it anymore. And I don't fault her at all. And I accept full responsibility for my actions, despite what happened to me as a child. I still ultimately chose to try and drink those feelings and emotions. But I'll say this, Brad, in February of this year, we went out with my brothers and a couple of my cousins, and I had a blackout. I hadn't really been drinking. a whole lot and I had been working in therapy to actually confront my user, which required bringing up a lot of old memories and addressing all of those feelings and emotions. And it was getting to the point where it was starting to be a little bit too much for me. And I should

have been more open and honest with my therapist about that, but I didn't. And we went out and I completely blacked out before 7 o'clock, 7.30 that evening, just gone. Within the side of two or three hours, I was completely gone. And actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I remember my wife was driving and I was drinking on the way down. We were headed down to Baltimore, which is probably about a 45-minute drive for us. And so, of course, I'm going to take a couple roads. So does, if you're driving, what's the big deal? I'm not the one behind the wheel, which is, again, it just, it puts her a bad position. This was incredibly selfish on my part. And we went down, we went out. I don't remember three quarters of the evening on the way home that evening. I didn't know this at the time, but the

next day my wife was telling me, she was like, I was crying last night. She was so upset. And I'm like, why? What happened? And she's like, you threw up all over yourself, all in the car. And she's at one point, you kept trying to open the door and jump out of the truck and you were saying you wanted to die. You couldn't handle this anymore. You were tired of feeling that. And even in that moment, seeing how upset my wife was, knowing that I put her, she's the most important person to me. We've been together for 14 years. We started dating when she was 19 and I was 21.

You know, we grew up together, essentially. We became adults together. And just seeing that pain on her face, I, It kills me to say it. It wasn't enough. Even in that moment. And that was really the only time that she really sat me down and was just like, look, this isn't okay. Something's going on here.

And I just was like, you're right. You know, chalked it up to the abuse and working through that in therapy, which it certainly was. But even then, I didn't say to myself, oh, it's the alcohol. This is what's got to go. In my head, I said, I just got to work hard. in therapy. I can't give up alcohol. Everybody drinks. Like, that's what you do. And a few months after that, I made another terrible decision and another, actually a daytime blackout. And she just had enough. And unfortunately, that's where we are now. But that the day that my wife asked me to leave,

I went to my best friend's house. And I sat down, I was, you know, threw tears talking to him and his wife. And he was like, do you want to drink? And I was like, yeah, I'll have a beer. And I took two sips and I was like, what am I doing? What am I actually doing? Why is this happening? And that was it. That was the last drink. That was June 16th of this year.

And I haven't had a drop since. Just in that moment, I guess it finally rang true. You know, I know not everybody hits a rock bottom, but that truly was my rock bottom. Just losing everything I've ever cared about, losing the most important person in my life. Like it just, and for what? A drink to bring out a personality or a side of myself that I don't even like, and I know other people don't like. So yeah, there really wasn't any. And I guess I skimmed over your question, but at no point did anyone ever come to me?

And actually, opposite of that, it was to the point where I was like that guy that, oh, yep, Dan's going to go hard tonight and he's going to be hung over tomorrow. and it was like a running joke in our friend group. My wife would take a picture of me, face down on the couch the next day. And so, oh, somebody better bring him some greasy burgers and some fries because he did it again. And, you know, that and interestingly enough, people would always tell me they could never tell when I was blacked out. And now that I've done some learning and some reading and discover what alcohol does to you and how tolerance works, it makes sense. No wonder nobody could tell. My body got so good at metabolizing alcohol after 15 years.

I could just, I don't want to say hide it, but I just, I guess you become a good drunk if there's such a thing or whatever. Wow. Huge congrats too on 140 days. That's incredible. Thanks. I appreciate that. I appreciate that.

Yeah, I was wondering that too, though, because some people share a story of blacking out and they might be, like, sleeping. Like, that might be it at the end of the night. But I always had a hard time relaying with it. that because a couple of times I blacked out, I still operated. And then I had to, the scary thing about it was is that I couldn't recall anything. And then I would wake up the next day and, oh, man, I made some really poor choices inside of that blackout. And then people would mention things. And I could not wrap my head around that, Dan. How am I still ordering food at this Mexican

restaurant? And I'm, don't even remember doing it. And I'm like, man, I didn't get it. But now I'm looking back. That's the thing about all this when it comes to alcohol, man. When you're right in there, right in the thick of it, it's so hard. The blinders are up. You can't recognize or see anything around us. But then when we create some distance, it's like, you know, you're just kind of, not to beat ourselves up, but you just look at it like, man, what was I, what was I doing? Absolutely. And there's a lot of shame and guilt. I'm sure that all of us experienced look back. And at first, I struggled with that in my early surprise. I was like, my God, really beating myself up.

And I'm sure a lot of that had to do with the physical effects of not consuming alcohol anymore. I know that can be a drastic change for you physically. And at one point, my wife and I, we had a couple motorcycles. And I skipped over the part of my story. But before this really bad, blessed blackout, in 2019, 2018, my alcohol consumption probably was the worst that it had ever been. And I was drinking every night.

We've always been active and athletic to a degree. Like we both played high school sports and stuff. And we've gotten into CrossFit over the years and just regular workouts. But we joined a CrossFit gym and found this whole new community. And a small subset of them like to go out afterwards and have some drinks. So to me, it was like, all right, this is the best of both worlds. I can go do a workout, get a good workout in. But then I get to go drink.

This is great with people who share this common experience with or whatever. And it got to the point where I was drinking 10, 15 beers a night with these people. And even then, and my wife, nothing against her, it was not her responsibility. She saw the writing on the wall. She has told me, and she just, I don't know if she didn't know how to or was afraid to or whatever, but it wasn't her responsibility regardless. Like it was my responsibility to address this. But looking back on that, it was like, how is I functioning?

And anybody who's done CrossFit, they're really intense workouts. And to do that day after day and drink the way I was, I lost like 28 pounds in four months. And I remember thinking to myself like, oh, man, CrossFit's a bet. Like I've never looked this great. but looking back, I wasn't eating. I was literally just consuming alcohol and my body was going into survival mode. But at that point in time, we had motorcycles and this, to go back to the whole looking back and like the blackout stuff, there was a bar, a local little dive bar maybe a mile and a half from our house. And I would take the motorcycle down there and meet a friend or a supposed friend who I thought was a friend. and I would black out and then get on the bike and go home.

And to think back how many people I endangered, like how selfish that is, but like still being able to function. Like I, and I remember one time my wife swore up and down, she heard me leaving the bar because of how reckless I was being riding. And I don't doubt her for a minute. And it just,

I did that countless times. And just, it's just so selfish, the board, like to do something like that, endanger other people, endanger myself, and what that would have done to the people in my life if I killed myself, basically acting like a fool. And yeah, so all of that, it certainly makes a difference when you're looking back, for sure. Yeah, no, for sure. Yeah, it's those decisions and stuff. We don't, yeah, it's hard to grasp the impact that things can have. Yeah. Because a lot of these stories, you're here now, but,

But it's also the tragedy involved with this stuff, too, that's a lot of people, man, it's a lot of people don't make it out. So it's almost, I almost wonder from my story, man, because I say I could probably fit a sheet of paper between living and not living because of those decisions. And it's, I wonder sometimes. I can't help but wonder what's the purpose. Why was, why was I granted the opportunity to get out of it? But we try to make the best we, the best we can do.

So when you make that decision at your friends there, it's almost interesting, right? I love how in your story you're taking the responsibility for things because I feel that's so important. You show up at your friend's house and you've ended up here because of alcohol, because of drinking alcohol. Sure. With your wife in the situation and then offered a beer. And it's not anybody else's fault. I think that's just society and the culture we live in. Right.

It's almost, man, we've, a lot of us have bought into this dream. Yeah. This is where Dan's at in the story comes over. No fault of your friends in a sense. but it's, yeah, do you want a beer? Right. Damn, this is what's got me in this spot right now. How does that work, though?

Okay, so you decide then that's it. What do you do your first day? The next day, it's... So literally the next day, trying to process all these emotions and everything. And I... I... Addiction does run in my family. I know there's some debate as whether there's genetic predisposition,

but I have an uncle who's got 40 years of sobriety. And my immediate thought was I'm going to reach out to him. He's always been a proponent of the 12-step program. And I thought, all right, I'll reach out to him. That's the place to start. And the more I thought about it, I was like, all right, that's not me. I'm sure I would get something out of it. I'm in therapy.

Like, I'm a pretty introverted person. It's going to be a little difficult for me. Just given everything else that's going on, let me start small and go from there. And so I, knowing myself, knowing that I'm interested in hearing other people's stories, and I enjoy hearing and learning things about science and stuff like that, I turn to Instagram and to podcast. And actually, your podcast, Sober Motivation, was one of the first ones I found. I just typed in Sober. And a lot of the podcasts that came up first were a lot of mostly geared towards women, the Mommy Wine Culture thing, which I didn't even know was a thing.

We don't have kids, so that wasn't even on my radar. And I listened to a few. And I was like, it's just nothing's really resonating with me. And then once I found your podcast, I was hooked immediately. And I was like, no matter what happens moving forward, this is helping. I'm going to keep listening to other people's stories because I'm hearing bits and pieces of my story. In their stories, I don't feel alone now. It's helping me recognize this isn't a me problem.

this is a societal problem, this promise that you're sold on alcohol, that it fixes everything. Like you said, my buddy offered me a beer, and through no fault of his own, it's like, I probably would have done the same thing, the reverse. But I really can't thank you enough because I think inside of a few weeks, I consumed all of your episodes up to the current and just couldn't get enough of it. And I know I heard a couple of people who also shared that they experienced the same kind of abuse that I did as a child. And I would relisten and just hear stuff in their story. And I'm like, yes, okay, this, I get it now.

I understand why I was doing what I was doing. So, yeah, that was a big part of it. I did pick up Annie Grace's book, The Snake of Mine, and consume that and got a better understanding. And it was all stuff that I literally had no idea. idea what alcohol does to you chemically, biologically. And as I was learning about it, I was like, oh, wow, yeah, I did that, you know, what it does to your impulsivity control. At one point, I kid you not, in 10 years, I sold and purchased 10 different vehicles. And look like, I remember as it was happening and my wife saying to me like, why are you doing this? And I'm telling my

therapist, like, I'm doing this and I don't know why. She's what could be you're searching for that dopammergic high where you want to get a little bit of serotonin and no your impulsivity control is directly affected negatively by alcohol consumption especially at the rate that i was consuming and even on the days that you're not consuming and it was like wow okay literally purchased a vehicle a year and i think i was thinking okay if i just get this vehicle this that'll fix this That'll fix this feeling. So yeah, that's what that looked like. Again, I just can't thank you enough.

The podcast made a huge, and it still does. I wait on pins and needles until you release the episode, and then I'm like, yes. All right, this is another great episode. This is awesome. And I think you had Chris on a couple episodes ago, and that was another one I could really relate to. Unfortunately, with the abuse, that's the other thing I'm realizing. That's just our world we live in, unfortunately. I think the statistic is one in four.

women and one in six men or males are sexually assaulted at some point in their life. And even sadder to that is less than 15% will ever report it. And so it just how many people are just sitting there suffering and turning to substances, it unfortunately starts to make sense once you start to look at the statistics. Yeah. And you want to touch on this real quick, Brad, You mentioned my buddy that offered me a beer. This is my same friend that I've known literally since kindergarten. This year we'll have been friends for 30 years.

And yeah. And as soon as I'm like, no, I can't. This is the problem. He was like, all right. I get it. Like, I'm done. Or like, he wasn't done. He said, don't worry about it.

There was total support is what I'm getting at. And interesting, again, looking back, we basically, and more so me, we operated, my wife and I operated in two separate friend groups. We had the drinking friends and then we had the, I don't want to say non-drinking friends, but the friends go out to the bar with us at the drop of the hat. And my wife, she actually cut back severely on her sobriety. This is another interesting point in 2020. So, you know, the pandemic's going on, can't go to gyms anymore. We decided we were going to build a home. gym and we did that and at that point like I said at 2018 2019 my drinking really ramped up my wife and I

were doing really well with communicating and she was like I really would like to see what would happen if you tried antidepressants she's just she's a my wife's a nurse so she has an understanding of all this kind of stuff and I had always been against that and I'm not really sure why but I was just like all right I'm there let's give this a try and when I said started taking the antidepressants, my wife at her suggestion, she was like, hey, let's do 35 days sober. Everybody's doing this at the beginning of the pandemic. Let's see what happens. So I was like, all right, fine. So we did 35 days. And that was right at the time that I started taking antidepressants. And I remember that was the first time in my life that I looked in the mirror at myself

and did not hate the person looking back. Like the negative self-talked, and lowest self-esteem that I always had stemming from the abuse was gone. And I remember waking her up and being like, I get it now. I understand how other people, I value myself. Hindsight's always 20-20. It was the sobriety. It was being 35 days sober because that was towards the end of that. Sure, the antidepressants probably helped.

But the way I feel now at 140 days, I know. it was the sobriety. And at the end of that 35 days, the way I rewarded myself was with a drink. It was like, all right, we hit our benchmark. Let me go have, let me go have a drink. And my wife decided to continue. And she cut back significantly. And unfortunately, I was really, really awful towards her when I was drinking and would verbally go after her and be like, why aren't you drinking? what's wrong with you? Like, you used to drink and have fun. And I hate to say that now because it's not me.

And I just, I feel so terrible for that. Looking back, and she would always say, I just don't enjoy it anymore. And I just would hear that and be like, what do you mean? That doesn't, you might as well be speaking a different language because I don't understand that. I didn't enjoy it then. Like, I wasn't enjoying drinking. I was just in that habit and that cycle of just, this is what I do on Fridays and Saturdays.

This is my reward for working hard this week. I get to drink. Yeah, it is like a foreign language in a sense. When I first started the journey, somebody who didn't, I'm like, wait, so you don't, people would say they're sober. I'm like, so you don't do anything? Like, they're not smoking weed. You're not drinking.

I thought it was just the hard stuff that you get sober from. At 140 days, you say you're feeling a lot better, which is incredible. How did things progress further, though? It's tough, though, too, because at the beginning of all of this, your wife, she, left when you guys are still working, you're still talking in a sense, right? That's the picture. But I mean, that, you know what I'm, man, that's the perfect

reason to just nosedive this whole thing. Right. You know what I mean? Like sometimes we look for, I was a sabotage of self. Yeah. I would look for stuff and then that would be, okay, that's the excuse. That's the reason fingers point in every direction for why I'm behaving the way I am.

I think it's just, I think it's really encouraging that you decided to really go the other way with it, the best you could. Sure. I completely relate with that. The self-sabotaging behavior has been my M.O. As long as I can remember, even before my wife and I got married, at one point, I remember saying to her, I don't deserve you. This is, we should break up. And her being like, what are you talking about? I love you. And I just say, it's going to happen. This other shoe is going to drop eventually. So I might as well just get it over with, which plays into, I think, a lot of the trauma. that I experienced and just trying to control something.

But yeah, the self-sabotaging, I can completely relate to that for sure. And what was the other part of your question? Sorry, Brad. Yeah, I'm just thinking. It could have went either way with your decision there, right? Yes. And my buddy said the same thing. He said, if there was ever a time to drink, this would be that time.

It just speaks volumes to the fact that you're not. And another thing I did experience as a child, my dad got really sick. We were in middle school. He had a series of strokes and lost the use of his legs for a little while. And I was in and out of hospitals for almost a year. They had a really hard time figuring out what was going on. But once they figured it out and got him leveled out, he still struggles with his legs. Basically, he doesn't have a lot of feeling from his knees down.

it feels like his limbs are asleep most of the time, or at least with his legs. But one thing that my brothers and I all agree that we learned out of that process was how him and my mom handled that. And my father could have very easily gone on disability for the rest of his life. And that could have been what he did. But he turned that down and was like, no, I have a family to raise. I need to get back to work. And he did the unimaginable. They told him at one point, you'll probably never walk again.

And he walks now with a walker. And he's almost 70. And he just has this very strong will. So when I'm getting at it, I learned resiliency. Like I learned no matter how bad things get. Giving up is not an option. And in that moment, sitting with my buddy, to continue to drink was giving up. That was giving up on myself.

That was giving up on my wife. giving up on our marriage, giving up on everybody else that cares about me. It was like, I just decided I have to be the best version of myself. No more of this. I can't continue down this path. And I think that's, I think that's really what happened in that moment. Just that decision of giving up is not an option. And I think that, you know, I don't say that I don't want other people who are struggling to hear that and be like, oh, I'm giving up. That's not it. That was just my time. That was that moment for me. Yeah. No, it's powerful. And that's too. Different people say surrender. You have to surrender. We try so many things throughout the years to make

this all work out. The thought of losing our buddy, our best friend, our identity, our escape vehicle. This is like our getaway car from the bank robbery. Right. We need that. We need that to feel comfortable. That's what we've become comfortable with. Is something to look forward to, something to take the edge of something to for me it was a big thing too for the thoughts the inner critic yeah from different experiences in life and i just couldn't handle that voice and then drinking and other drug use it just quiets that right down makes it all makes sense for a little bit um but i could see the resiliency thing that not the giving up going the other way for you too right i mean you drove this drinking thing right into the dog on ground and didn't want to let go of it and you weren't willing

to give that up for a long time too. So you switched it around and it's helping you out. What else do you want to share with us that you've picked up on in the last 140 days and what things look like for you now? It is possible. No matter what you're struggling with, it is possible. It's not easy. I will not say it's easy.

It's hard. It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of self-reflection, but it's worth it. I know within the sobriety circle, there's always don't. don't say you'll never drink again, just worry about today. And I feel like you can keep both feet in both camps, at least for me. There are days, I'm not going to lie, there are days where I struggle. And early on, maybe close to 30 days, I really had a really strong craving and was just like, man, like I don't know what to do. I'd been doing all the suggestions, going for walks,

going and exercising, just trying to get past that 20 minutes when that craving is the strongest. And I remember reading somewhere and all of this that like, don't go to bars for 90 days, don't be around. And while I'm sure that is very true for a lot of people, it's such an individual experience. I think everyone's story is so different. And I remember seeing that and I thought, you know what? No, I am going to go to a bar. I'm going to sit down at a bar and I'm going to test myself. And I don't suggest this for other people. But this is a lot. is just what I did. And I went and I sat down and I ordered a coffee and a ginger ale and I just proved to myself like, okay, I can be in this situation. I can be in this scenario. And I don't have

to drink. And that's okay when I'm surrounded by all these people. And it was hard. But that's just how I decided to do it. And I've done that a couple other times where my cravings have been a little bit tougher to deal with. But I don't recommend it. I recommend going for walking for trying other things. But I guess if I had to share, you know, something that's just that. Like, you can do this. You can go to parties. You can go to restaurants and bars and have just as much, if not more fun than you do when you are drinking. I haven't gone to any parties or really other than going to dinner here, there with a couple friends and family. And I don't want to say it's easy, but it's not hard at the same time. It's just you just got to commit yourself and just,

say, I know I'm better for this. I'm just going to keep doing it. I'm just going to get through this dinner. I'm just going to get through this evening and just keep doing it. I don't, I'm not an expert in the field and it's all still really new to me. But I, if I can do it, I really believe anybody can do it. When I started this journey for a few weeks, there was still a lot of that self-sabotage negative talk. And it just, I just kept reminding myself, I know what that looks like. I'm I've already done that for the past 15 years. That didn't work. Let's give this a try.

Let's see if this works. And I'm still active. I work out. I go to a CrossFit. And for years, I would tell my wife, God, I can't get this lift. I can't get this movement down. And she would say, you drank pretty hard last night. Like, you're starting at negative five.

And after 140 days, I just feel physically better than I've felt probably since I was 16 years old. just the physical and mental benefits are just astounding. They really are. Yeah, the benefits are just everywhere, and it's the further you get along. You're going to be blown away, man, with everything else that's going to come into your life, opportunities that you never expected

because you're present now for life and not just jumping off on the next escape, the next thing. Exactly, man. Yeah, and one more thing, Brad, if I can, real quick. Yeah. I remember my wife has always been, she's always a very present person, always just in the moment. And we have a small farm and there's not a lot of light pollution and stuff like that.

So we get great night skies, especially early in the morning. And I remember when I was drinking, we would go out early in the morning or whatever to go to work or whatever. And if I went out to start my truck or whatever, she would be just looking at the moon, just staring at it. And she would be like, God, look how pretty the moon is. And I remember, even if I hadn't drank for four or five days, like, I would say to her sometimes, yeah, it's the moon. I've seen the moon before. Just this constant state of misery. And I noticed very early on with sobriety, like, it stopped me dead in my tracks.

Like, the first time I saw a moon after 30-some days and just being like, oh, wow, like, it really is amazing. It's amazing to be alive. This is great. Like I enjoyed life. And I texted her and it was just like, I get it now. And I'm sorry that I didn't get it sooner. I take our dog on hikes and stuff like that now. And it's just, it's breathtaking,

especially this time of year with fall and the leaves changing. And I just, I feel like I missed out on a lot. But the important thing is that I'm not missing out on it anymore. Like I can really enjoy those moments for what they are. And just, I feel like that's what alcohol did for me, just place this fog, this veil over everything, just fuzzied everything out. That's beautiful. And that's what it is. You start to see stuff and appreciate stuff that we didn't before. Yeah, it just becomes number one. Yeah, that's the way it's built is to just

become number one. Anytime we, the longer we stick around consuming an addictive substance, of course. And that's what people I think knew need to hear because we, you mentioned it too in your story, right? We felt like this was a me problem. This is just something I'm dealing with. And it's so many of us out there that have ended up at the end of our, you know, journey with alcohol and turn the page and just start to experience what life, I don't know the whole meaning of life, but I think we can get a lot closer to it without drinking. Yeah, absolutely. There's a, I don't know if it's a quote or saying I've heard before. Instead of meaning of life, there's a meaning in life. You create what the meeting is or whatever.

And I think that's really beautiful to just, you know, there is no. one set thing. There's no one set outline. It's different for everybody and to just find whatever that is and hold on to it for dear life. Yeah. Beautiful, Dan. Thank you so much, man, for jumping on here and be willing to share your story. I really appreciate it. Absolutely. Pleasure was all mine. Again, I can't thank you enough for what you're doing, Brad. Please keep putting them out. Keep doing it. It's changed my life, literally. And I just can't thank you enough. Yeah, thank you so much. Well, there it is, Dan's story. What an incredible episode. And I think Dan would agree with this is he's got a lot of work to do. There's a lot of work left on this journey of recovery for Dan for all of us, really.

And it's incredible just to hear how he's getting started, how he plugged into the podcast and it was helpful, all of your stories. I know on the end of the episode, he thanks me personally, but really, this is a team. This is a team thing. We're working together on this, sharing your stories, trying to make a difference out here. Just let people know that they're not alone and that there is a way out of the madness. That if we can do it, maybe we can encourage the next person to do it.

So thank you so much, everyone. Be sure if you're enjoying the podcast, a drop a review on Apple, Spotify, wherever you listen. Now let's get into my friend Dan Carrady's story about how he came up with the idea what things look like for his new book, if I'm being honest.

How's it going, everyone? Check this out. I've got Dan Carity with me today. You heard his story back on the podcast. It's an incredible, powerful story. And I've gotten to know Dan personally here for a little over a year, probably. I'm terrible with timing. But Dan's got a new book out. Dan, tell us a little bit about the title of the book. It runs the same title as your podcast, if I'm being honest. Yeah, if I'm being honest, because as an alcoholic, inactive addiction, I was the furthest thing. from honest. I was the opposite of it. And so one of the biggest, most important things in me staying sober is not falling back into that lying. No matter how little those lies are, they're going to build back up. And it's going to take me back to a bad place. So I try to be honest about everything. And in the book, I named it that because, I mean, I get as honest as I can about everything. And it's the one place, you know, I have my podcast, I guest on people's podcasts, all of that. But those are all little bits and pieces of things. And in the book, you get the full story beginning to this point of my life.

And I love that how you bring up that point about how important honesty is on the recovery and sobriety journey. Yeah, I couldn't believe the liar that I turned into. I couldn't be honest about anything. Forget how I was feeling that day about what I was eating for lunch or who I spoke to on the phone. I just lied about everything on top of lying about how much I was drinking, where I was drinking and who I was drinking with.

And getting rid of that part of my life takes a weight off of my shoulders on a day-to-day basis where I just get to have real conversations with people. And I don't have to worry about, what did I say yesterday? What did I do? Who knows what? Because it's my life now. It's my honest truth of every single day. Yeah, beautiful.

I love that. Writing the book, when did you start working on it? What was the initial idea of putting this all together? and why not just get sober, get into recovery, and just sail off into the sunset on your yacht and live a beautiful life. Why share about it? Yeah, well, I wouldn't be on a yacht.

But it started with journaling in rehab, something that when they told me to do it, I was like, oh, come on, why? Right. And I realized really quickly why. And the journaling within a couple of days had me connecting dots of my life and figuring some things out,

realizing some things and I kept on journaling when I got out. And it was helping me just in figuring out what happened and how I got to this place. I was a writer in college. I was a journalism major. So the writing came naturally to me. And all of a sudden, I had like 75 pages done. And I asked my best friend who's also my manager to read it. And he said, you have something here. And I wasn't sure, but this was part of the whole, how open do I want to be about my recovery and being so grateful for the people who were willing to be open about it before me.

I always talk about Chris Herron as a huge example for me. People like that hearing their stories, seeing their stories, reading about it, watching it, made me feel, okay, I can do this too. This is possible. It gave me that inspiration, that motivation. And so the thought of being able to do that for somebody else, that was it. I said, okay, I'm going to do this. And at first it was the podcast, but then as I kept writing,

kept journaling, kept developing it, I said, I'm going to put this story out there. Because although I did learn in recovery, after thinking I was so different from everybody else for so long, I learned in rehab and in early recovery, there's a lot of people just like me. But my stories is an interesting one because of my career path. And I talk about, you know, all of this in the book, the intersection of my career and my addiction. And I had the benefit of dancing on the world's biggest stages with Britney Spears and choreographing for her and dating Jessica Simpson and living with Justin Timberlake and going to Michael

Jackson's ranch and all of these crazy things that should have been incredible experiences in my life. But I miss, even though I was there, I missed out on. so much of them because I was drinking. And all I could think about all day was getting that next drink. I didn't, as amazing as those things are and were, I didn't get that much out of them. And I kept thinking my drinking was okay. And as my life progressed and my responsibilities grew and I got married and I got, I had kids,

it all just got uglier and uglier until it became completely unmanageable. Yeah. And that's definitely an interesting component. of your story is all the opportunities that you have had throughout things, right? And from the outside, because we've known each other for a bit, from the outside, it might have appeared that things were kind of together. Probably at home, things appeared that they weren't together. But on the outside, people saw you on TV, having a good old time.

What was the hardest part of this book to put together? Because putting everything out there on a podcast is one thing. I mean, if you decide you want to take it down someday, erase the podcast, and it's gone. Putting a book out there, I mean, once people get these physical copies, you can't go and get them back. So that's got to be a little bit scary, I'm guessing. What was the hardest part of this book for you to put together? The two hardest parts were, one, talking about relationships that I had in my life, both high-profile ones and also, you know, completely private ones, admitting how I treated people in those relationships and how I just disregarded people's feelings and their emotional. and whatever was best for me in any given moment is how I moved ahead.

So I think writing those things down was incredibly difficult and also talking about my kids because knowing that my kids are going to read this book eventually, it's already sneaking up on me because I know my daughter is going to get our hands on it before I wanted to. But writing about them in the book and just wanting them to be able to see it as, hey, this is who daddy was, but it's not who daddy is. That still scares me a little bit. And I know there's going to be a lot of explaining to do.

But again, if I'm going to call the book, if I'm being honest, and if I'm going to tell this story in hopes of helping people, I had to put it all out there. And so that's what I did, knowing that the days are still going to come that I have to do some explaining for what I put in the book. That's a big thing to put out there. But it goes right in line with the title of the book like you mentioned there, right? And that's such an important part. And I think, too, as tough as that was and as tough as it's,

going to be maybe moving forward uncomfortable at times to go through this stuff, it's going to make people feel a lot less alone because we get stuck in this spot with the addiction that we're these horrible people and we keep making these bad choices and that things are always going to be that way and we kind of get stuck in that cycle of the shame that keeps us down. And I think you putting this out there and what I've heard from anybody sharing their stories is once they can find something that they can relate with, the way gets lifted off their shoulders because they have a few things can happen. But one of the main things, and you talked about Chris's story, which is incredibly powerful, is that when you can identify with somebody else's story that's found a way out,

we start to believe it for ourselves, like the seeds get planted, which is incredible. Yeah. And that's it, right? I thought I was so different, right? And no one could possibly understand what it was like to be me. And I found out really fast. No, man, there's, there are all these people out there that are just like me that think the way I think and drank the way I drank and behaved the way I behaved and seeing them find their way out of it was mind blowing to me. But it made me say, oh, I can do this too. And although I talk about my story and what does make it different about some of the people I got to hang with and the things I got to do, when you really broke it down to who I really was and what my behaviors were, they were the same. And I managed to find my way

out of that. Once I stopped lying to myself and everybody around me, about how great my life was because I was fantastic at making it look great, both in conversations and on Instagram. But the reality was it was a disaster and it was crumbling down around me and I was suffering every day in my head and being able to come to terms with that and share that with people. The best part of the book is I put an email on the last page of the book and I said to people, when you finish reading this, please reach out to me. And I promise you I will read each and every email and I will respond.

And what I've gotten back so far has made it all worth it. Because it's incredible how many people relate and either get inspired by or just feel less alone by reading my story. And because I put myself out there, they feel like they can share back. And so them feeling comfortable enough to tell me what's going on in their life, that's what it's all about, right? Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, to get responses from people back and have them open up and being honest about their situations and what they're working on and moving forward and connecting with the book. That's what it's all about, human connection, right? Yeah, absolutely.

And that's, I also say that in the book. I say keep connecting and keep sharing because it's like the weight that came off my shoulders, that first day. that I actually looked at someone in the eyes and started sharing some of my experience. Oh, man, it was like a whole different world started to open up to me. So I just try to tell people, if nothing else, connect and share.

Yeah, where's the best place for people to pick up the book? Amazon? Amazon, yeah. In the U.S. and English-speaking countries, Amazon is the spot to get it. So it's Dan Cairty, if I'm being honest. and you can get it. You can get the paper back.

You can get the Kindle or if you want, you can get the Audible. And it's actually me doing the Audible, which was so strange to read the whole thing back. But it's me on the Audible as well. That's incredible. When you're reading it back, did you have any second thoughts about anything or you were already all in? Actually, it made me cry in like four or five different sections because it really took me back to that moment in my life. but the fact that it could have that effect on me made me, it felt good because it made me feel like you really put it out there.

And it's still hard to talk about some of those things. But it belonged in the book. So it was quite an experience. Awesome, man. Well, thanks for jumping on here and sharing more about it. Dude, if you guys want to have a good read, check out Dan's book. Yeah, please do. Enjoy it.

And as I said, please email me after you read it. Let me know what you think. And let's keep the conversation going. Yeah, beautiful. Thanks, Dan. Thanks, man.