Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - For Hillary Admitting She Was An Alcoholic Had To Happen

Episode Date: July 3, 2025

In this episode of the Podcast, Hillary shares her deeply personal story of growing up in a chaotic household and transitioning into a life filled with alcohol and drugs from high school onwards. She details the impact of her heavy drinking, including a DUI at 19 and the evolution of her drinking from a social activity to an isolated one. Her turning point comes after reading a relatable sober story and attending a meeting, though she relapses after four months of initial sobriety. Ultimately, a tough experience in Mexico leads her to recommit to sobriety. Now, with over three years of sobriety, Hillary reflects on the authentic joy and happiness she's found without alcohol, reshaping her identity and recovering out loud. Join the Community: https://sobermotivation.mn.co Donate the support the show: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivation Connect with Hillary on IG: https://www.instagram.com/hillygoatt/   00:00 Introduction and Guest Welcome 00:12 Hillary's Chaotic Childhood 02:20 High School and the Start of Drinking 07:54 University Life and Escalation 09:26 The Party Scene and Drug Use 22:07 COVID-19 and Realizations 27:31 The Turning Point 29:34 Rehab and the Struggle to Change 30:24 A Turning Point: The AA Meeting 32:19 Relapse and Realization 38:43 The Mexico Experience 41:28 Commitment to Sobriety 45:01 Life Beyond Alcohol 53:41 Final Reflections and Advice

Welcome back to season four of the Super Motivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We're here to show sorority as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode of the podcast, Hillary shares her deeply personal story of growing up in a chaotic household and transitioning into a life filled with alcohol and drugs from high school onwards. She details the impact of her heavy drinking, including a DUI at 19, and the evolution of her drinking from a social activity to an isolated one.

Her turning point comes after reading a relatable sober story and attending a meeting. Though she relapses after four months of initial sobriety, ultimately a tough experience in Mexico leads her to recommit to sobriety. Now with over three years, Hillary reflects on the authentic joy and happiness she's found without alcohol, reshaping her identity and recovering out loud. And this is Hillary's story on the sober motivation podcast. glad to have you for another show. Before we jump into it, I want to mention if you're looking for some community,

some connection, some support, join the sober motivation community for a month free. Get a whole sober July under your belt. Come and connect with the community, hear other people's stories, get involved with the meetings, make some new connections. It's incredible the people that plug in the progress that they make is beautiful. A lot of people started there on their first day and some of them have over there. over 300 days, 400 days. And it's incredible just to see the growth that people experience when they quit drinking,

start putting forward some effort on their recovery, on their life, on healing things, improving their relationships. So if you have any interest, I'll drop that link down to the show notes below. Join us for July, completely free. Also, if you love the podcast, then you're enjoying it. You want to support, make a little donation. check out Buy Meacoffee.com slash sober motivation. Everything is appreciated.

It helps cover the cost of hosting the podcast, the different softwares, the equipment, everything else. So much appreciated. Hope you enjoyed this episode as much as I did. And I'll be back with you at the end. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. We've got Hillary with us today. How are you?

I'm great. How are you doing? Yeah, I'm great. Glad to connect here. Happy to have you on the podcast and share your story with all of us. Thank you. So what was it like for you growing up? Growing up for me was like in the less words possible chaos.

So I'm one of six, but not all of my siblings are biological. Only one of the litter is full blood. But growing up was like two older siblings. So I have an older sister 10 years older and a brother seven years older. And then me, the middle child and then our little baby. and then the extra two came later. But our house was very loud. Like there was people coming and going.

Often my parents did not like each other at all. There was lots of yelling in the household. And so it was like me and my siblings kind of like leaning on each other a lot until finally my parents divorced. And that was for some kids would have been like a sad moment. But in our family dynamic, it was almost kind of like a light moment. but there was always like, I was always kind of labeled as the problem kid or the loud kid or always being extra performative for attention. So when I was 11 and my mom moved outside of the city in the elementary school that I went to,

it like changed my whole dynamic and I had to make friends again at like 13 years old, which like for a teenage girl, like that's a pretty pivotal time. And yeah, it was a lot of kind of my mom had to work full time. And so it was me and my sister kind of doing it ourselves because my older siblings had moved out at that point. And so I think I kind of like grew up pretty quickly just because of like the chaos that was in our household and, you know, having so many siblings. Like you pretty much, we always had this joke that if you weren't loud you weren't heard. So that was kind of like a thing. But yeah, I always really leaned on my siblings in a lot of ways. And then when I got into high school was when I started drinking essentially

because that was one of the ways I found out how to make friends. And my sister and I were kind of left alone a lot. So we kind of got to do whatever we wanted. So yeah, that's kind of, I think I was like 16 when I started drinking just kind of out with my friends unsupervised. And I remember the reason why I first started drinking was because like I wanted someone to think I was cool or to be accepted. Like that was like in hindsight looking back was like, oh, someone wanted me to come and hang out with them. And but they were all drinking these beers. I don't like, this is like old school. It was like the old English tall gross beers. And I think. think I was like in the basement of some high school kids parents house and we were just drinking

these old English and it tasted so disgusting that you would think that like a young 16 year old girl would just be like oh this is gross I'm not drinking this but it was almost like I just wanted so badly to be wanted in that moment that I was like oh yeah and that night I ended up and like peeing myself and like they took me home and my mom wasn't home so it was all fine um but then it was just a lot of that like sneaking out getting in trouble my mom found finding out getting grounded i started drinking at school and getting suspended and it was just like this pendulum of highs and lows all through high school and to the point that my mom even said you know there's two hillaries i really like one is this

like amazing, intelligent, smart, bubbly girl. And there's this other side that is like just this little devil child. And that's kind of like always really stuck home with me because I know that I was such a reckless teenager. Like my principal called my mom one time because I stole her car when she was out of town and went joyriding through the school parking lot. Like when I say chaos in my childhood, like there was no shortage of chaos. I was doing any. I was doing any to like get attention essentially at that point. Yeah. And alcohol helped me with that too.

Yeah. Well, yeah, for sure. I mean, thanks for sharing all that too, by the way. And I think when you go back to that spot about, you know, fitting in and alcohol, I mean, it checks that box completely at or, you know, when we were younger, right? I always struggled, too, with fitting in. And I moved. I had a big transition too.

I lived in Texas for a bit. And we moved to North Carolina. And, too, it was like starting all over. everybody's kind of grown up or a lot of the kids have grown up together now you're trying to like fit into this whole thing and so if i was all all for putting aside what i knew was right and wrong just to have a place to to fit in and make friends so and then for high school for you that was kind of thing and it works it really does work and then i look back at my life now of course there were other things i could have done but they might have been a heavier lift i mean the alcohol to get in

and get acceptance and fit into the crowd was a really easy lift to do and to repeat the process to show up at a party and oh man so cool to have you here right i felt like i was man this is great like everybody's really interested i look back now at it and i'm like i don't know the realness or the authenticity of it all but at the time it was it was great i loved it yeah so you having all this stuff in high school i mean which was i say sometimes the hardest four years of my life um with all of the trouble and everything that i was getting into and Just the mayhem and the chaos I was thinking too. I have three little kids now.

And I was telling my wife, I said, look, if either of these kids are even a quarter of how I was, like we are in big trouble, really big trouble because I was constantly in trouble skipping class. I lost interest in school. School is more of like a social thing to go to, make friends and figure out what we were going to do for the rest of the day. It was kind of our meeting point. My parents would go off to work. And then we would, you know, wander and come up with all the experience.

is why I wasn't at school for the day. How do things look like for you after school too? Like after high school, did you have any plans for what you were going to do? And oh, even before we go there, if you don't mind. Did you ever think throughout high school this was a problem?

No, never. Because they're in my group of friends that I was in as well. Like we were out behind the school smoking cigarettes. Like, I went to school in like the early 2000s as well. So this was kind of like, you know, the cool kids were smoking cigarettes and driving their parents' cars. And it was just kind of like, it was really cool to be a loser. Like I look at people like that now in a completely different way.

But that was like we were kind of like slinging our backpack, smoking cigarettes and like drinking beers on the weekend. Like it was just kind of like so accepted. and because I found a way to like get people around me by being kind of like that person that was like, yeah, come with me. Like my mom's not home. Come over for beers and just that kind of thing. So it wasn't until like way, way, way after high school that it like wasn't serving me anymore because I did a year and a half of university, but I had also turned 19, which is drinking

age in Canada or in BC where I was living at the time. So that's when the club scene started. So I wasn't going to class or if I was, I was hung over out of my mind. And I eventually dropped out. But I wanted I wanted to be a lawyer, which is like the funniest thing. So my life has taken a completely different path than I had ever expected it to. But that was like I took a first year of criminology and I was taking psychology. And so there was like a part of me that really wanted like an awesome life for myself, but I just kept getting sucked into the party, the people and and the drinking as well. Like it was so fun for me because I was so good at it. Like I could take more shots than anyone else. I was lining them up and I started working in bars as well. So it just,

I created, I orchestrated everything in my life around me to make my drinking possible. Like working at a bar, perfect. I can drink at work. I can be hung over because my shifts don't start late. Like all of the things that you would think a person would be like, oh, that's, you know, getting out of hand. I made it fully acceptable in my life because that was the way I figured out how to have people around me and to be wanted. And it was eventually the party scene that introduced me to drugs. And that's when things kind of started to go a little haywire.

Yeah, get a little bit more wobbly. It's interesting, too, because kind of that theme you're on too about the drinking and people around and maybe a sense of belonging or acceptance, all of those things that go into it. But as you're going through this, I mean, in your earlier years there, Are you aware of that as to why everything's going on or is it just sort of like in the background of this is, you know, in hindsight, reflecting back? Looking back, I remember feeling so horrible being alone. Like if I was home alone, it was one of the most uncomfortable feelings. So I would be like calling friends like, where are we going? What are we doing? So I found out the easiest way is to go out to a bar. You can just sit at that. the bar and make a hundred friends because there's a bunch of people sitting there. And it was just being so uncomfortable in silence, so uncomfortable being alone that I had to get

out of the house. I had to go out. I had to do something. I had to drink. I had to numb that. Yeah. Like find a distraction in a sense, right? With people or with drinking. So you, and you get wrapped up in sort of the bar scene to a lot of people share this. I don't know if you're going to relate or not. But when you get into the restaurant, and sort of the service-based stuff, there's a lot of other people where things look a lot the same. And when you're hanging out with a lot of other people where a lot of things look the same,

then it just feels like this is normal and everybody's doing it. Yeah. Yeah, you relate to that. Yeah. Oh, yeah, totally. It's like almost like it's easy to say now looking back, but it's almost like I controlled all of it. I made that possible because,

Had I not been in that scene surrounded by those people, it would have been a completely different story. But like anyone who wasn't into what I wanted, they weren't going to be cool. They weren't from people I wanted to hang out with. I purposefully went and sought out certain groups and situations because I knew that that was going to keep pulling me back. And like, alcoholics love to drink with other alcoholics. addicts love to do drugs with other addicts. So I'm like, of course I'm going to be hanging out with those people because they do more than me. So I'm not that bad.

Oh, yeah. And that's another interesting, another interesting dynamic to it too. Yeah. If you see that if other people, you know, if John's like further down maybe or further down the line with things, then it can keep us maybe in a place to where like, you know, at least I'm not where John is. interesting yeah and i think that's a very relatable story for a lot of people i feel like when i look back maybe i kept one or two people like that close enough and maybe that was for the reason keep them you know not really close but close enough to where i could see their life really unraveling

and as long it was kind of like a measuring stick right as long as i'm not there i'm not there like i'm good and i think we do a good job convincing ourselves like i'll never be there i remember drawing lines in the sand all the time. Yeah, of course, I'll have fun and party a little bit, but I'll never do that. And then I do that. But I'll never do that. I mean, of course, that's no way. And then every time I crossed over these lines, I found it much easier to walk over the next one without even really thinking a whole heck of a lot about it. Yeah, well, like one of my biggest rules, kind of towards the end, this is when I started like trickling thoughts of wanting to stop. But I remember saying like, oh, I would never do cocaine without alcohol.

Like I only would ever do it if I was drunk and like needed it. And that just went right out the window. Like it got to the point where like I was doing lines before my first drink and I was using the alcohol to come down from the Coke. Like it just, it did a flip flop where I had this hard rule. Like I would never, nope, I'm only ever going to do it if I'm too drunk. And it just completely switched.

Yeah, and then things change up. Did anybody mention to you, like, you know, after the university days or anything, has anybody approached you with like, hey, maybe this is, this is a bit much or like anything like that? Yes, but it was always a joke. Like, oh, call Hillary. She knows where the party is. Oh, get hell to pick up booze or, oh, she's got the liquor. It was just one of those things where my dad was a really big drinker.

So I think in our family, it was just kind of like drinking was accepted sort of. And because for me, I was in my 20s and I was just in my party phase. You know, all of the things that, you know, we tell ourselves that no one actually like sat me down and was like, oh, hill, you're having a problem. But it was very, very well known that I drank a lot and often. Like that and I was partying a lot. Like that was very well known in my family. And like, but for my dad's drinking, like he never hit anyone, never got fired from any job as a result of it. He never stayed in bed too late.

So we never labeled him as an alcoholic. I would now. I've told him straight to his face. I'm like, hey, dad, you should quit drinking. But because of his drinking, it made mine so much more acceptable because my dad was like one of my drinking buddies. I remember being 19 and just cheers in and drinking with dad. And it just wasn't uncommon for me to be drinking as much as I was at that time. Yeah.

So just overall normalized. Yeah, totally. The drinking in how things were. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of people too. And I have people on the show from all different countries, right? And it's, you know, all the different cultures. Every culture has its own way about it. it's really interesting to hear the different ways of how it's brought in right into the family

history of other people you know maybe struggling with drinking too and you know just how normalized that aspect is to where we as wild I think as it is when I look back at my life looking back at it now I'm like dude how didn't you notice you know how didn't you know I'm thinking like man how didn't you notice you were drinking I drink a lot different even from the beginning than the people around me and I always wondered like how are they They must be harboring a secret. There's no way that that's all they drink and they go home and they go back to school. And when everybody leaves, I'm rooting through, you know, whatever's left is to have a little

lecture. I was like, everybody must go home and do this. The reality was, a lot of them didn't. And I knew I drank different, but I also knew that I also thought that, you know, this was, this was normal, was normal because there were other people who did drink the way I drank and I kept them pretty close too because I didn't want to be judged on having too much or falling over or blacking out or not remembering the night before, you know, acting like this.

So I think that, you know, like you kind of mentioned there too, we keep people around that are not going to make us feel bad. But when I look back to, I'm like, well, people who didn't do this would have never been interested in hanging out with me anyway because they were doing, they were doing other things. They would have had no interest in sort of this stuff. You know, I thought day drinking was like the coolest thing. And now when I was the best, you know, once I'm sober, I'm like, you know, what a

waste of an entire day and probably the next. You know, it was like, oh, man, that was actually, you know, because you'd hit about five, six o'clock and you had a choice to make. Like, I'm either going all in or I'm going to bed. And like 84% of the time I went all in and it wasn't a pretty ending. Yeah, I always got really jealous of the people that could day drink and stop at five. And then like, go home, have a nap, eat dinner at like seven and then drink a bunch of water, go to bed and like have the next day.

Like I never understood those people. I'm like, you just, you just stop and go home. Like the party just ends. Like I just never understood that. Yeah, same here. I never that or, you know, and it's all kind of looking back, we can see it, right? Hindsight's 20, 20. But at the time, you know, I mean, as you go through it, it's that maybe denial or just we don't want to look at it.

Or, you know, I believe too that my, you know, when I was in my 20s, this would be a thing. You know, of course I'm going to finish school and of course I'm going to do all these things. This is a little bit of phase and I'll quote unquote grow up eventually and it all just magically happened. That never happened. That never happened. You know, it didn't just magically happen. So as you're kind of going through all this, how do you feel on the inside about how life is going? I mean, is there anything that's sort of standing out to you there, you know, waking up with the hangovers and maybe the increased anxiety if that was part of it or anything like that, you notice? Yeah. Like my hangover is worse.

so bad. And that was actually like one of the things that I've said in like AA meetings before is that I wasn't a bad drinker. I was really fun when I was drinking. People wanted to be around me when I was drinking. I was a good time, Sally. I was not, I wasn't starting fights or anything like that, but it was my hangovers that were atrocious because I would fall off the face of the planet. I would turn off my phone for days. Good luck finding me. The depression just like full on depleted, I would call it anxiety. And most of the time I would actually just reach for the bottle because that's like my hangover cure. And then once I got to the point where like I would be on day three, I would finally have to like be to the point where I had to stop drinking because I just couldn't drink anymore.

and I would turn my phone off, people wouldn't know where I was. I would just sleep for days. I would end up like taking pharmaceuticals to, just like taking pharmaceuticals to like sleep it off. I remember taking like unprescribed anti-anxiety medication to like come down from it all. Like my hangovers were so bad. like I could not function as a hungover person. Yeah.

Which is weird that I kept drinking because they were so bad. Well, yeah, I mean, that might be the million dollar question, you know. I mean, about how everything, you know, why, when we start to experience some consequences, right, whether it be the hangover or other stuff too, right? People experience all kinds of consequences. And yeah, I mean, I think that's what sets us apart from somebody who can potentially normally have a drink, right? And with when consequences enter the picture, we continue on. Maybe we adjust.

We try to maybe adjust, right? I don't know if this is irrelevant to you, but we try to maybe, I look at it like a bowling lane, the bumpers. Maybe we try to put some bumpers on our life. Okay, you know, of course I'm taking off Monday and Tuesday night. Maybe on this day, I'll maybe stay away from shots or whatever it is to try to less in the blow. But I think the common story is that we usually.

in one way or another, maybe lose control over that, it end up back to where we were or maybe worse. And it doesn't work out. No, I mean, there was so many, like, consequences. Like, I got a DUI leaving a bar when I was 19. When you were 19, well. And so you would think that that consequence at 19 would be, oh, you got a DUI at 19.

you should probably take a look at your drinking because you made that decision to drive. And it was the dumbest situation because it would have been a $10 taxi for me to go home. And I got in my car and argued with the police officer, got it taken away, lost my license. And I drank through all of that. I was like, oh, well, don't have to drive now. And that consequence, I didn't learn my lesson. I was still having way too much fun. And it wasn't until COVID where I actually really started to realize that I had a problem and needed to stop.

Yeah. And even with at 19 getting the DUI, you know, it's so interesting too because I've heard some of it in your story here too, right? Other people, you know, they're further down the line with things and I'm not there yet. So I'm still good, but I'm still showing up to work. I'm not causing chaos when I drink. Like, I feel like all of these are kind of excuses we tell ourselves, right? As long as I'm not like it is in the Hollywood movies and I'm not blowing up everything, I'm doing all right.

And then a lot of people, too, are like, I've never hit a rock bottom, you know, but I hear so many time on the podcast, too. Like some people might consider a DUI rock bottom or there's other things as well. But I'm like, it doesn't guarantee because you have a consequence that you're, you're going to turn your life around. I mean, we can be very good at convincing ourselves that it was just an unlucky thing or whatever it is, right? Like it takes a little bit more maybe looking within.

So you mentioned during COVID there too, like you're starting to pick up on things being a problem. What were the indicators for that? Well, the amount of excessive it got at that point. And so it was, so our regulations were really weird at that time. They were adding things and then taking them way kind of like on a weekly basis. So for the alcoholic that needs to be social, being in lockdown was really difficult. So I ended up moving in with my mom and she and I decided to lock down together.

And I decided to make it a fun thing where we were going to. to try making different cocktails every day. So I just like, but the funny thing is, is what my mom doesn't realize is when she went to bed, I was sneaking drinks down into my room and drinking by myself. And that was one of the first times I started really drinking alone. And that was kind of like, it was the social butterfly that always wanted to be around people. And then COVID turned it into, I'm just wanting to drink. And then when we were allowed to leave our houses again, I ended up going on like a three-day drug bender with some friends of mine.

And I ended up doing drugs that I said I would never do. And like just waking up the next morning with that shame of like, my God, I can't believe I did that. Or like I was at a party and the police showed up because there was too many people there. Like just crazy situations where, you know, I was also putting like myself at risk as well because I'm actually immunocompromised. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid about 10 years ago. Which is probably another reason why I was drinking and using drugs because it helped with the chronic pain. But like as a result of that, I was putting myself at risk in a lot of situations during COVID because I just wanted to be out.

And once I was started doing like cocaine mixed with ketamine and mushrooms, all as like a fun little party cocktail, I was putting myself in situations I never thought I would be in. And that's when it started to get scary for me. But it was still somehow in my head, I still thought it was fun. Yeah. Yeah. It can snowball in that direction really quick, too. So you're making this shift, right? And I hear about this all the time and I can relate to it 100%.

You're making this shift. I mean, there's other factors that play here in your story, but a lot of people share this story of the going out, the connecting, you know, the partying, the fun and then shifting into like this way of isolation, too, of drinking too. And I mean, I think, I mean, COVID too. I think just with with all the restrictions and stuff in one way or another maybe accelerated things for people. I mean, obviously I haven't talked to everybody in the world about this, but a lot of people on the show,

this accelerated things and really put it on a map that like, hey, I've got a problem for a lot of people really fast. Because I think when we're out there partying and whatever, you're not really thinking about all of the other stuff going on. You're in the moment, you're enjoying it. And then it's like, okay, you're so numb to it. And it's a great distraction, having people around. We don't have to look in the mirror and say, okay, what's going on with me? Now when you're on your own, it's like, okay, this looks a lot, looks a lot different, feels a lot different.

And maybe the whole quote unquote fun I was looking for, that's all gone, but I'm still plugging into this behavior. And then maybe the sneakiness kind of comes into play or, you know, the dishonesty, you know, through a mission maybe. And that can really weigh on us, right? I think it increases the shame level, maybe feel guilty. about it. How long did that go on for? It actually went on for a couple of years. So it wasn't until so I was in this group of people and we were kind of, we were all working at the same bar.

And we were partying together every day after work and during and whatever. And it was totally fine, but it was excessive. Like the drugs at that time were excessive. Like I was doing Coke all through my shift at work. I was like drinking during and after work. It was like pretty much anything I could get my hands on. There's this one night that I remember like so distinctly. It was actually like day three of a bender where I dragged my friend downtown with me. And I actually like my blackouts were just constant at that point because I still, to this day, have been

trying to go back to like how I got to where I ended up that night. And I can't remember a thing. I still can't. And that was like one of the scariest blackouts because I blacked out at like 5 p.m. There's like 12 hours of blackout there. And it was around that time that one of my friends in that group left and went to rehab. And that was like heartbreak for me, which was weird that she was like, going to rehab and I was so upset about it that she was gone. And I think it's because she was like

my closest drinking buddy at that time. Yeah. Because she was always down for it. And so was I. Like she would text me or I would text her. Either way, she and I were both ready to go. She worked at the bar across the street from the one that I was working at. We would sneakily leave each other's restaurants and take shots at each other's bars and then go back to work. And she left me and went to rehab. And I was so heartbroken. And she came back from rehab like 60 days later. Maybe it was 90. I think she did a 90 day program. So 90 days later, she comes home. And I had a loser boyfriend at the time that was drinking and using just as much as I was. And she came home and told me about her experience. and I was like, oh, yeah, cool.

And so I went home and I told my boyfriend, I was like, okay, we're only drinking on weekends, no more weekdays. Like, we got to stick it till Friday. And I would be good until Wednesday, but I'd come home from work on Wednesday, and he'd be drinking. And I'd be like mad that he didn't think to pick me, one, a bottle up on the way home.

Because obviously, if you're drinking, I'm going to want to as well. Yeah. I actually eventually, after two weeks of that, I kicked him out. And as I was waiting for him to pack up his stuff, I went to my friend's house, the one that came home from rehab.

And I was sitting on her couch and I was flipping through just one of her AA books that was sitting on the counter. And I started crying, like literally bawling my eyes out. Because for some reason, the story that I read in that book strung so deeply to me about like wanting to be wanted. Sorry.

That's okay. Take a minute. That's good. It's hard to talk about because I like go back there. Yeah, it brings you right back to the emotions. Emotions you were probably feeling. Yeah. And that was like, wow, I read this in an A8 book, something that I like, my joke was like,

I would never quit drinking because my mom didn't raise a quitter. And to read that, I don't even, I can't even remember. the passage. I just remember the feeling. And I went to an AA meeting the next day with her. I sat in the back of the room and someone shared a story. That was my story. They grew up in this big house full of people and then the people moved out and the parents worked full time and then they found a way to be around people with alcohol and drugs and parties. And then the party ended. And, and then she found love in herself in sobriety. And that was like, I just started crying again.

I was like, oh, my goodness. Like, you just told my story. And so that was the first day I stopped drinking. And after that meeting, and I got four months of sobriety under my belt. I collected my four-month chip. And then I planned my relapse party. I had decided that I got it figured out. I just needed a four-month break, and that was it.

And I invited friends to join me. I picked up my favorite drug of choice, which was Coke at the time, and a 12-pack of my favorite drink, went to my friend's house, and we drank and partied all night. And I got fired from my job about two weeks later because I got right back into drinking and using again. I didn't just need a four-month break, it turns out, because I didn't have anything figured out.

Yeah. And then, yeah, it was another four months of drinking until. Yeah. Yeah. Before we go there to the next part. Yeah. Yeah, thank you for sharing all of that, too. Interesting how it kind of played out.

I mean, you're in the spot. You opened a book with a lot of pages and maybe land on that and have that story that you relate to so well to maybe spark that interest in trying something different. So would it be fair to say like towards the end here because a lot of it's like, hey, fun going out, party and all that stuff, would it be fair to say that the fun part of it was gone? Oh, yeah.

Like, I lost the fun of it probably before COVID, because I had created this entire personality type for myself, that it would be more strange for me to not drink than it would be for me, or no, yeah, it would be stranger for me to not drink than it would for me to drink. Like if I wasn't drinking, something was wrong. Yeah. It was, it was 100% a part of me. It was an extra appendage.

Alcohol and Hillary were always together. It was known by everyone. my best friend to this day who's known me in sobriety and alcoholism, she and I joke about how I was always the best person to have at a party because you always knew I had drugs. Like that was, I created that. I was the girl with the, I knew where the party was. I had drugs on me.

I had alcohol. Like I created it. Yeah. It sounds like it anyway, it was a massive part of your identity. Without it, you could. you could face the question of who am I? Totally. And you wouldn't maybe know the answer right away.

No, I wouldn't. At that time, if you asked me who I was without the party, the drugs, and the alcohol, I would not know who I was as a person. Yeah. How old were you, too, like during the COVID stuff?

I was in my 20s. So I turned third, I was born in 93. So yeah, I would have been in my mid-20s around that time. Yeah. Yeah. So you go.

So interesting, too. So you start going, you went to this meeting here related with your story to. And then you get four months, right? You're plugging in, checking it out. And then you sort of have these other thoughts, right? I mean, common thoughts. Common thoughts, right? Of course.

Like I've had a break from it. I'll be able to figure it out. I know, you know, I know what to do this time. I know what not to do. And of course, I have all the information now so I can, you know, give things a try. So you plan, you have this party and get back into it. Do you have any thoughts like the next day or maybe a week later to, you know, maybe I'm headed in a, maybe this is kind of a choice, you know?

That night, under the influence, I walked myself in the bathroom and texted my sponsor. because I actually got a sponsor in those first four months, who's still my sponsor to this day, actually. Oh, wow. And, yeah, she, I drunk texted her saying, I drank and did drugs tonight, I'm sorry. And she texted me back and I ghosted her. And I ghosted her for like three months.

I feel bad now. I'm sorry. But yeah, so the next day, I didn't feel bad at all because I planned it. It was like I knew I was going to have that hangover. It wasn't until like the next couple of days of drinking where I had slept through my alarm and slept through work because I drank that night. I said I was going to stop drinking at a certain time and I didn't. I said I wasn't going to use drugs that night and I did. And as a result, that horrible hangover came to fruition.

I slept through work. And that moment when I woke up and realized that, I was like, shit, old Hillary is back. You don't have this shit figured out. But at that point, I was like, at that point I was like, nah, not ready to get sober. I have a trip to Mexico planned. I'll get sober whenever. Like it was something that I was just kind of pushing back. Like I'll get sober again, just not yet.

Like I still, I've got some drinking to do. Yeah. Yeah. And that's it that. I mean, that's so common too, right? We have that stuff come up. I noticed some people, too, like when I notice people that take it really serious, they start today. You know what I mean?

Like maybe that's how it was. It's like there's always going to be something. A birthday, New Year's, a wedding, an event, this, a that, a sporting event, whatever it is. There's always going to be something. But it's like, yeah, things are just going downhill. You know, it's interesting. too because a lot of people share when they do drink again if they've had some time of not drinking they have a lot of the same thoughts you do right i'll be able to figure it out everything will be good

but it always ends up at the same place or worse like fast like sometimes i think like you know it's going to take maybe a year you know i've got some time here but it's like no one people seems like whenever people get going again it's like they share so often that they're just like wow you know i was right back in the game right away so after these four months i mean before your 30th birthday, share that story with us. Yeah, so I relapsed in October and I got sober again in January. So like it was hard and fast. Like I went as soon as I got fired from that job, it was like, let's go, went down to Mexico.

I already had 30 days planned to be down there. And I went absolutely insane down there. When I first booked that trip, I was sober and I was planning on having a very relaxing trip because I had like an Airbnb. I wasn't doing the resort thing. And then going there back in my alcoholism was a completely different trip. I was blacking out in Mexico, which is not something that you want to be doing in foreign countries. Like at any time and especially as a young woman like anywhere is not a good idea. And I got robbed one night, blacked out. don't even know how I got back to my Airbnb.

I lost so much money. I literally couldn't afford to eat while in Mexico. So I had to like go to the grocery store and I bought canned tuna because it was the cheapest thing and loaves of bread because it was the cheapest thing. I wanted to book a flight home sooner, but I didn't even have the money to do that. So like I was in this horrible place. I ended up making friends with a really nice Mexican drug dealer who eventually got his finger chopped off and like asked for money. This is such a weird story, but it's kind of like, did you go by yourself?

Were you there by yourself? No, I went with a boyfriend at the time, but he was drinking and using just as much as I was. And he always said that I was, I brought so much chaos into his life. And I'm like, you had fun. But anyway, I kind of took him down. with me in that scenario but I was like want to come to Mexico and he's like yeah sure little did you know I was about to take him on this like drug infested adventure um and yeah so I woke up one morning the after the morning of getting robbed all of my money taken off of me and not remembering

how I got home I woke up that morning and I said to myself and to him I am never drinking again that is it. I'm done. And I had two days left of my trip. And I got an ice state's over for those two days before I went home because I was just packing trying to keep my head down. Texted my sponsor when as soon as I got home and I just tunnel vision. I got rid of every distraction. I fully, I had to commit 100% to my sobriety.

because I experienced firsthand how easy it was to fall off of it. Like I convinced myself that I had it figured out. So I needed to convince myself that I'm an alcoholic. I do not drink like a normal person. My relationship with drugs and alcohol is completely different. And I need to stop. And it was that realization that kind of kept me on that trajectory where I was like, I'm doing some deep work.

I need to get into therapy. I need to have us. I actually, I needed to have a sponsor, someone to keep me accountable. I need to let go of resentments that were just like suffocating me. Letting go of like shit in my childhood and my parents divorce and my mom not being around enough. And like, let go of that stuff. Like that's my past. That's not who I am.

That's just part of my story. But then learning how to love myself, like I did not learn that. I like from 16 I went straight into drinking I was hanging out with the wrong people and I never got parented like I had to learn how to cook proper meals again and wake up at a normal time like I had to relearn life I felt like a brand new baby because it wasn't just getting sober for me anymore is that I was done with that entire life yeah and I think that was like that moment for me where I was like, nope, I am an alcoholic and I cannot drink ever, period. Yeah, I can't drink without experience in the consequences.

Those days were long gone. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, so your last couple days of Mexico there too, sober, and then, you know, go home and, you know, plug right in. And I think that's so interesting how it happens. I mean, everybody's got their own sort of story. But I think in mine anyway, people are like,

how, you know, what was it or how'd you do it? And I'm like, literally, I went to rehab for a year. I went to jail. I went to rehab again. I went to this. I did that. I think it was every little bit. I think it was one piece of the puzzle. And then sort of the day when I, when, when I quit, I think the pieces of the puzzle just kind of came together. I was picking up pieces as I went. I don't know if there was just one thing. I think everything kind of taught me a little bit. And I think it all just led me to what you just shared. I won't ever be able to do this without consequence. I won't. won't be able ever be able to do this without chaos because I know people in my life who they can drink and there's not, it's not welcoming, you know, chaos into their life.

And I look at my life too at any time something bad happened or I was involved in a bad situation or relationship or whatever, just terrible things. I was like, I was always drinking every time. And when I wasn't drinking if that was the thing anymore, things were okay. But I never felt happy. I never felt content. I never felt joy because I'll call alcohol. kind of became the gatekeeper to enjoying anything in my life.

And then I was like, oh my gosh, if I don't drink anymore, what's my life going to look like? So you plug into this. I mean, what got you to that point? I mean, hearing your story, we have a decent understanding of it too. But maybe surrender, right? What gets you to the point to where you're saying, you know what? My best efforts got me here.

And this is not a good spot. Maybe I need to take some suggestions and follow through with a few things. I think a lot of it I do have to like equate to AA because in the my first four months of sobriety, I was listening to a lot of other people's stories and what they did. And I remember hearing relapse a part of a lot of people's stories. And I, I talked to my sponsor about it and I was like, relapse isn't going to be a part of my story, is it? But then eventually it was. So now when I'm sharing, it's almost like I'm seeing someone that I heard when I was.

was in early sobriety. And for me, I think it was like that moment of realization was just when I was so unhappy with it. Like it was, I was waking up and wishing that I hadn't drank because I said that I wouldn't or waking up and realizing that like I was only supposed to have two drinks. And there was times where I was said, okay, okay, I'll come, but just for one drink. And it was never that. So there was all of these like little kind of snowballs that and hearing other people's stories that I related to that kind of gave me that aha moment that I cannot drink like a normal person. Like that is just that's, I just can't, unfortunately. And it was kind of sad because, you know, there's, some people in my life that do still drink because there are people in the world that still do

to do drink. So I had to grieve a bit of that that like I'm not like them. Because like my sister can have two margaritas and that's it. She can get pregnant and go nine months without drinking. And I remember when she first told me that she was pregnant. I'm like, oh, you've got to go nine months without drinking. Like, that's crazy. Here I am. It's been over three years since I've had a drink and like other people think that's crazy. So I think for me, like that big aha moment was breadcrumbs throughout the way. And then just the sadness that came from from that. Like when my hangovers were really bad, it was it was depression and anxiety that I was going through more so than like nausea and headaches. It was like emotional turmoil. Like I would have I had suicidal thoughts during

certain hangovers just because I felt so depressed. And that didn't feel like me because I was always that fun party girl. So to like have those really sad moments by myself that people didn't see, that was kind of like, yeah, I'm not having fun anymore. It needs to stop. Yeah. And that's of that, you know, reflection too. You brought it the other part there, too, like the sobriety, it sounds like anyway, the sobriety is one element, right? And then there's like life after, you know, how do I live life? Life on life's terms. You know, one of my earliest mentors always said that, Brad, we got to get you, beyond the sobriety, we got to get you on life's terms, because you're still living in a bit of a fantasy land here in some ways. You know, learning how to do

some of those other things that when you kind of get into it heavy, I think, at a young age, we don't learn that stuff. You know, my bank account was always an overdraft. If I had one and getting another one in late payments and terrible credit, all kinds of stuff. Like when I got sober, it was like, okay, I've got to figure out how to do some of these things. A lot of my peers, they had no problem with it. You mentioned something there, too, about not being able to drink anymore and like unfortunate and um i wonder if your perspective has changed on that you know i think it from my life i it was like that for me like oh man you know everybody else can kick back and enjoy now i got to say in my life today i'm like man you know it's kind of like grateful things

played out maybe the way they did and in some aspects because i feel like i have a lot more gratitude on this side of things and maybe see the world a little bit differently because of how dark maybe it was. Anything for you there? Oh, my perspective on that has completely changed because now it's like, I can't believe I ever drank. Like, life now is so much more fun than the fun I thought I was having because I can do some of the same things that I found joy in, but thought I needed drinking to have that joy, I have with full joy. Like, I feel that joy with every ounce of my soul, because it's not

numbed. So, like, when you're drinking in celebration, like at a wedding, for example, I now go to a wedding sober and I feel that happiness full and authentically versus the masked happiness or, like, the euphoria that alcohol would give within that happiness. Like, that was so fake. And I, my relationships are so much more authentic now. They're full of so much love and understanding. Because I learned a lot of that self-love as well and was able to fill my cup first. So now I can fill other people's. And yeah, what I thought was fun and the joy I thought I had and the morning of not being able to drink normally has completely left because I can't imagine drinking now. Like that compulsion and that desire has completely left my body.

And it was around like 10 or 11 months where I first had that realization that like, I just don't want to anymore. And that was an awesome feeling because I'm like, I just love my life now. And the joy that I feel is like is real. It's not fake or numbed in any way. Yeah. And when that switch happens, it is incredible because a lot of us go into it. We hear people talk about it, but it's kind of one of those things.

Yeah, that's everybody else's story, but it'll never be mine. You know, we feel like we're going to miss it forever. Like, I'm going to miss this forever. But that change does happen to where it's like, man, so incredible on this side of things. Yeah, and it's funny that I like, I was the person that was always drinking. And that was my personality and everyone knew Hillary for drinking. Now everyone knows Hillary for being sober and, like, really awesome and having lots of energy and being reliable.

And it's interesting that I've completely changed the script to being known as that person now. So like, it's when I get invited to an event, someone will always make sure they have a non-alcoholic for me. Like, other than water because they, like, I'm planning my best friend's wedding that's coming up right now. I'm the maid of honor. And we have a mock tale list, which she would have never thought about. doing, but because her maid of honor is sober, that's something that's going to be there now. So it's really, it's a beautiful feeling also being able to change that perspective that other people had on me because of the work that I've done and the things that I have in my life now

as a result of it and the person that I am now too. Yeah. What were the reactions from like family members and stuff? my mom goes into tears when she talks about how proud she is of me because she knew that I've always kind of really struggled internally with like who I am and finding those joys and yeah even on my last birthday she wrote me like a really beautiful letter about like the woman that I've become and like my true authentic self finally coming to fruition is something that's been like really beautiful to watch.

That's not to say that it like wasn't easy by any means. I had to make that decision and like and work for it in the form of like therapy and and sticking to my sobriety and taking it just one day at a time because like I, I knew myself well enough to know that I could convince myself that I could drink again, but just for today I won't. And I was able to do that until I finally lost that compulsion. And now it's. weird to even think about drinking. Like if I had a drink in my hand, I would feel so weird.

Like unless it's a coffee, get it away from me. Drinking is just weird to think about. Yeah. Wow. Well, great job with everything. And I really appreciate you jumping on here and joining us and sharing your story with us. Thank you. Is there anything before we wrap up that you would like to share with people? Um, I think people should know that like it, anyone can, can have sobriety and anyone can change their life. You don't need to hit a rock bottom. Like I know so many people can say, oh, I wish I never, you know,

let it get as bad as it did. Because, you know, there is no, bad is so subjective to the person. Like, you know, being homeless could be bottom for one person, but getting fired from a job could be bottom for another. So like, it's, it's just, you know, if you make that decision, stick to it because it is just one day at a time. Because eventually you can string all those days together.

And the compulsion does, it just leaves you. If you can get enough days together, your habits are rewired entirely. Yeah, things change. Yeah. And it's so interesting you bring that up to. I've just never heard the story where somebody kind of is having a problem in their own terms. and then they turn it around and things are like back to maybe like a quote unquote normie.

We'll just use that word. You know, just to normal. I think if you start experiencing consequences, I don't know. I think that's a thing that's going to continue. You can kind of get off the ride at any time, get off the train, right? One other person we had on the podcast,

Hillary Phelps, she says you can get off the elevator at any time. You don't have to go to the bottom floor. You know, I think that that's just such a beautiful thing that, you know, you can make that choice and stick with it and things do get better. It feels overwhelming. It can feel really difficult in the beginning, but lean in, talk to other people, get some help and things change.

Yeah. And your mornings are just, they're so beautiful when you're sober. I love my mornings. I'm such a morning person. I know. It's like it flips the complete opposite of how it used to be. Yeah. Watching the sunrise used to be for many different reasons. But now I like wake up to watch the sunrise so I can hear the birds chirping and sit my coffee. Yeah. It's so different, but I love it. Yeah, it is. I know.

That was the worst. Those were the worst times of sunrising, being up for it anyway, being up all night. That's when, for me, anyway, the sadness and everything, like, oh, my goodness, you know, that's really when I understood. I was living a different life than most people as they get ready for work. And I'm just trying to maybe go to sleep for the night. But thanks again, Hillary. And I really appreciate you sharing with this.

Thank you. Well, there it is. Another incredible episode here on the podcast. You shout out to Hillary for jumping on and sharing her story. As always, I'll drop her contact information for Instagram down on the show notes below. I hope you're able to take a few things away from this episode. A lot of great stuff there about how things can completely change. I hear this all the time, people that are sober.

you could have told them two days before or maybe a week before or a year before they ended up making that decision and heading in the right direction that they never thought it was possible for them. It's all about just putting one foot in front of the other day after day, making the changes, being aware of where we're hanging out, who we're hanging out with, are all of these things good for us for this new path that we're headed down? I hope that the podcast is helping you on your journey, helping you get started, keeping you curious and helping you stay with your goal, which I think if you're listening, is sobriety because so many times we just hear, if you go back, it's the same story.

It's the same story and often worse. So getting ahead of this thing, the earlier, the better, but it's never too late. Thanks for hanging out, and I'll see you on the next one.