Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - For Jeannine addiction was never part of the plan.

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

In this episode, we have Jeannine. She had a great childhood growing up in a lot of places but settled in Georgia.  She opened up about her struggles, recounting how her parents' divorce sent her spiralling into self-destructive behaviour and later she would struggle with cocaine, alcohol and heroin addiction. After many run-ins with the law and ending up homeless living in a dog house, she eventually found herself in a sober living and began to process. The challenges she faced transformed her perception of life, shaping her into a grateful and resilient individual. Today, she embraces her addiction journey as a part of her life that has made her better.  Sober since January 15, 2015, this is Jeannine’s story on the Sober Motivation podcast. -------------------- Support the Podcast with a donation here: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivation Follow Jeannine on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chasingheroine/ Check out Charmaines Cooking Book here: https://www.amazon.ca/Delicious-Doable-Recipes-Real-Everyday/dp/1989304559 Follow Sober Motivation(Brad) on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sobermotivation/

Welcome back to season three of the Suburmotivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible, one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode, we have Janine. She had a great childhood growing up in a lot of places but settled in Georgia. She opened up about her struggles recounting our parents' divorce and her spiraling into self-destructive behavior. And later, she would struggle with cocaine, alcohol,

and heroin addiction. After many run-ins with the law and ended up homeless living in a doghouse, she eventually found herself in a sober living and began the process. The challenges she faced transformed her perception of life, shaping her into a grateful and resilient individual. Today, she embraces her addiction journey as part of her life that has made her better. Janine has been sober since January 15, 2015. And this is her story.

on the Sobermotivation podcast. I have to give another huge shout out to our sponsor. Charmaine, cooking show hosts and author of delicious and doable recipes for real and everyday life. Charmaine prides herself on living a drug and alcohol-free lifestyle, and she's also a huge fan of the Super Motivation podcast. So if you're hungry for fun, delicious, and doable dishes, Charmaine's collection of over 70 mouthwatering recipes will be sure to please your hungry gang. Pumpkin muffins with coconut crumbled toppings,

lemon walnut tuna melts, cranberry turkey burgers with sweet horseradish mayo, and grilled chocolate sandwiches are just a few of the fabulous and flavorful dishes you will enjoy preparing and devouring with ease. Check out Charmaine's cookbook today. I'll drop the link in the show notes below to the Amazon listing. So how we start every show is what was it like for you growing up? Growing up for me was really great, actually.

I grew up in Georgia. I actually lived in a bunch of different places. My dad is a pilot. He's retired now, but was a pilot and flew for the Air Force. And so I actually lived in like the Philippines for a few years when I was a kid. But we landed in Georgia when I was nine. So I mainly grew up in Georgia. And I always say that, you know, when you go to meetings or even before you go to meetings or you have any awareness of recovery and you think like a heroin addict, like an IV homeless heroin addict, there's the stereotype of your home life must have been really bad. Were you like a foster kid? like all the things that you think before you're one of the people. And my life was great. My parents were good to each other and good to us. I have a younger brother. And we had all the things that we needed. And my parents really supported my different things that I wanted to do as a kid. If I wanted to be like a gymnast or whatever, like they would take me to camps. Pretty much like the idyllic family upbringing. I did really well in school. And so that was one of their big focuses was my academics. And so we did like the SAT tutors and AP classes and whatever school you want to go to, you can go to. And they sat down with me to read the college books, like all the things.

If I were to have kids, I would do what they did. I would repeat it. I think that they did a good job. Now, they did my senior year divorce suddenly or suddenly as far as like we could tell. And I lost my mind when that happened. Obviously no one wants their parents get divorced. but I wasn't just a little bit sad. I took like a wrecking ball to my life. And looking back, I think what I tried to do was destroy anything that they valued in me. And I didn't know that at the time. But that was primarily my schoolwork, my academics.

Yeah. Wow. That's heavy. Maybe it's even heavier if you don't see it coming, right? Right. And I've wondered that before because I have friends whose parents are divorced and they didn't start shooting heroin over it. Although, to be fair, I didn't.

I also had to learn at some point that also proves, though, that it's not necessarily a causal thing because plenty of people's parents get divorced and they don't become homeless heroin addicts. My brother didn't and he went through the same home. But I have asked other, like, my cousin's parents are divorced and she was like, I was almost a little bit relieved because they were like fighting all the time. Like it wasn't happy, but I wasn't destroyed. I wasn't surprised. Also, I was 18. And so I feel like I had this whole lifetime of like Christmases with all. four of us, family vacations, there was a whole thing. And so I really knew what it felt like, still do, what it felt like to not have that. In fact, actually this year for the first year, I'm hoping I can go spend Christmas with my dad because I haven't spent Christmas with my dad since 1997, which is absurd. Yeah. And yeah, which is mainly, it's not necessarily anybody's fault. I moved to L.A. pretty shortly after I graduated high school. And so that's mainly why. I just couldn't afford to fly back. I was a broke actress and then I was using pretty heavily. So that's like the main reason why. But I just never did again. And we had all these like traditions.

Like we'd go look at Christmas lights on Christmas Eve. And so yeah, I agree with what you said. I think it could be. I'm sure it's sad in all situations. But there was a lot to miss there. Yeah. No, for sure. So you mentioned you moved out to L.A. after high school. Yeah. So not directly after high school. So I had gotten into, and this is something that sometimes I share, you and I were speaking off air about like my logo and the idea of chasing heroin in the name. And so I sometimes try to add this. So with my academics doing well, like I had all these goals and I wanted to be a lawyer. And I got early admission into a school in Washington, D.C., called the George Washington University, G.W., which is a pretty good school. And I was going to go to law school and major in political science and

do all these things. And so I did go. So I started. So I started. destroying my academics, my senior year, but I had gotten in early admission. So I still went for a semester and did very poorly and left. And then I went to the University of Georgia for a couple of semesters and did really poorly and decided instead that it would be easier to be, and part of addiction, I feel like is delusions of grandeur. It's part of the characteristics of addiction is delusions of grander. And I really decided that I think it would be easier to win an Oscar than graduate college. And that felt like a reasonable goal for me. So I did take a year off of school to start bartending, which is when I did Coke for the first time. I moved to L.A. at 21, I think. So shortly after high school, but not

directly. Okay. Gotcha. And were you drinking in high school or anything? Or you're just focused on the academics? A little bit, but not really. The only thing I really did was I did start smoking cigarettes when I was like 16, I would do that. But I had this relationship with my dad. I love my dad. My dad is like my favorite person on earth. And he is now and he was then. And he never yelled at me. And this is why I say if I could do it. If I did have kids, I would do it the way that they did it. Like I just respected him so much. And I wanted him to respect me. And he didn't yell at me. There wasn't like a lot of hard discipline. But like he saw me smoking once in my car. And a few days later, he was like, hey, I saw you smoking cigarettes the other day driving down the parkway. And I was like, oh, no. And he was like,

just do me a favor. Please don't smoke cigarettes in that nice car. Okay. And I just felt like such an asshole. Okay. Yeah, I won't because he helped me get the car and you know what I mean? Just the way he said it, I was like, never again. And so I mostly just really didn't want to let him down. So I didn't really drink because I knew he wouldn't want me to. But then again, my senior year, I did a little bit like a couple of beers on the weekends here and there with friends. But no, not a lot. I still was locked into that like good behavior. Yeah, gotcha.

So you started the bartending and then got right into the hard stuff. Basically, yeah. So started bartending right when I could at 21. And to this day, it's like one of my favorite jobs I have ever had. The bar was only open for a year because it was a fucking disaster. So it was called the Bird Dog Tavern. There was actually a picture of a hunting dog that we had a plate last. window on the front and there was a hunting dog pointing at birds and there's a fraternity at the

university of Georgia, the AGRs, which is the agriculture fraternity. So farmers, actual farmers. And we were like the AGR bar. And so all the farmers would come to our bar and there was me and just only one other girl that worked there and said there were many nights when I'd be like the only chick in the place and I loved it. I thought that was great. And they were the most like southern redneck There'd be brawls all the time, like broken bottles getting thrown across the place, but it was so fun. We have like wide bands and pool tables, and it was like the most fun I've ever had in my life to this day. And right after I moved to go to L.A., they got shut down by like the county and the cops because there was all this illegal stuff going on. But so I did Coke for the first time at that bar.

And I remember we did it on the liquor license. The owner pulled the liquor license off the wall and was chopping up wines. And I remember thinking, even though I was 21, I was like, that feels not good carmically. That's your state liquor license. And we're doing Coke on it. I mean, if you are, I'm are, but I don't know energetically how this is going to go for you. And he totally got shut down a year later. But yes, I got into it at that point.

And I'd been drinking the first couple of years of college a little bit more. But yeah, that's when I did that for the first time. Yeah, yes. You go from there. So I went directly to L.A. basically, I worked in that bar for a year, saving it many. And I paid for a month of rent at a place out there. So I had done some acting when I was a kid, so it wasn't totally out of nowhere. And I flew out to L.A. and I auditioned for an acting school that I got into for the summer session. So I rented an apartment and I had $600 cash with me. And that's it, which in Georgia, my rent was like $2.40. $600 in L.A. obviously did not go very far. When I look back, I can't believe I did. this at that age. So I went out and started, I kind of was going to that acting school, but not really. Acting wasn't really my passion. I think it was just a way to get out of finishing school. And then also like another one of those addiction tendencies, like delusions of grandeur,

the idea of the rules don't apply to us. There's all these things you have to do to be a successful actor that I didn't want to do. Like the Writers Guild was just striking recently so people know what the Writers Guild is. And there's also the actors one, the Screen Actors Guild, SAG. And to be on any movie or TV show you have to be in SAG, basically. It's changed a little bit now with online stuff, but at that time, you had to be in the union. And you can get in the union through this way that takes a year, which is what everyone does. And it's a process. It's too long to get into here. But like, it takes a while, but it's feasible and you can do it. But it takes a long time. It takes some patience and you have to be broke for a while. Or there's a super secret magic number

way too, where an executive somewhere has to stay that Janine is the only, blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl in this whole town that can do this job and they pay for you to get into the union and they like wave your fees. And it's very rare. The last person that did it was probably like Marilyn Monroe. But of course, I was like, no, I'll get the magic secret way number two, which of course I didn't. So I was sort of doing acting, but not really. You know, I was there for eight years, waiting tables, bartending. When I first got there actually quit doing coat for a few years, which I would always point to as evidence that I wasn't really a drug addict. Now, I smoked weed and drank that whole time.

But I was always like, no, like I'm not an addict because I did have this really bad Coke habit in Georgia. And then I didn't do it for three years. And then while I was there, I started bartending again at another place and I started doing Coke again. And the last three years of me living in L.A. It was really bad to the point where I didn't have my car anymore because I wasn't ever paying to change the oil. So all the headgaskets blew and the car died. And yeah, my boyfriend was like super mad at me all the time. And things were just like really kind of crashing down on me at that point. And my mother by then had gotten remarried and moved to San Diego from Georgia. So a few years after I'd gotten to L.A., she randomly had also moved out. It was like a coincidence. She married this guy who got transferred to San Diego. So at 29, I basically had to leave L.A. I was not welcome on any street in Los Angeles. mostly in Venice where I lived.

And so that's when I moved down to San Diego. And that's when drug use, like, falls off a cliff, right? And I learned that Coke bad is very different from heroin bad. Yeah. And, oh, that was in San Diego. So did you move in with your mom? I did. Yeah.

And I told everyone, I'm sure nobody believed me. But so my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer that year. And she's totally fine and has been fine for a long time. And I remember telling everybody. I was moving down there to help her, not that I had to. I'm like, oh, yeah, acting is going great. But I'm just so selfless. I'm going to go help my mom with this cancer.

I just made her life so much worse when I moved in. I was like taking their cars and driving back to L.A. to try to get Coke and a whole thing. But yes, I moved in with her at that time. Yeah. Did she mention anything about the behaviors? Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Because she knew about what was going on. She knew about my drug habit. I was pretty honest with her. That's one of the good things about both my parents now, but even then, especially with my mom, like I could tell her. I told her the first time, like when I first moved to L.A., because I kept doing it for a little bit in L.A. for a few months,

and it was really out of control. And I remember telling her. And I stopped. And she would check in with me every few months or so and be like, how's that going? And I'm like, I'm good. And so I told her again. So she knew what was going on.

And she had even paid for me to go to, like, outpatient somewhere for a few months. But yeah, I made their life. I remember one night I was borrowing my stepdad's truck to teach, because I was teaching fitness by then. I'd gotten certified in L.A. to start teaching spin, which is all the stuff I actually still do. So I was teaching. And they let me borrow his truck to drive, to teach a class.

And that night I lied. And I think I said I was like going to dinner with a couple of people that I taught with, which was not true. I was going to see somebody I was dating in Laguna Beach, which is like an hour and a half north back up towards L.A. went up there, saw that guy, got super drunk, passed out until five in the morning. And they thought I was missing. And they were like about to call the police because I had just never come home. And then I finally come like slinking home with his truck. So yes, they addressed it. They addressed it.

That was an example of her being like really angry. And they didn't actually kick me out, but they probably would have at some point. I lived there for maybe four or five months. And then I moved out. I've, you know, found a roommate on Craigslist and actually did move out after I'd gotten myself a car. So, but yeah, they addressed it. They weren't happy. No, I think it sounds like it. Yeah. So you're 29 when this stuff is this part. Yeah, yeah, it was 29. I turned 30. Yeah, right after that. So I wasn't living with her anymore. But when I was, in fact, actually, this is another story that I rarely tell. But I'm a huge James Taylor fan. And I, for my 30th birthday, got tickets to see James Taylor and Carol King at the Hollywood Bowl on my actual birthday for my 30th birthday. And a good friend in mine came down to go with me. And on the way to L.A. from San Diego, we stopped at my favorite bar. So I spent nine birthdays at this bar in Culver City.

It's this little dive bar in this little neighborhood in L.A. And I spent 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30 in this bar. And there's like a jukebox and you could still smoke inside, which was awesome. So I go to this bar and I'm supposed to go to the Hollywood Bowl for this amazing concert. And we got some Coke on the way. And I ended up deciding that I just wanted to spend my birthday just in the bar, like doing Coke. I didn't even go to the concert to this like legendary concert. I didn't even go. I called a friend of mine in L.A. who came and got the tickets. And I was like, can you go scalp these at the Hollywood? So he went and sold them. Came back, brought us the money. And I just bought more Coke. And I had to lie to everybody about it. It sucked. My dad the next day was like, how was the show? And I was like, oh my God, it was so good. Is that awful? And it's not even one of my my like worst drug stories obviously it's not that bad at all but like the thought of blowing off that james taylor concert is just like i can't believe i did that you know yeah yeah yeah oh the things we do right i mean like you sit there too i mean it's wasn't the worst of the worst but yeah not

even close but yeah it's just kind of some stuff i did i just kind of shake my head at it today you know yeah well it just shows like how i don't know it just shows how sad it really is too like how much much it robs you of your life experiences. That, I think, is what that one shows to me. Because I had a car. I drove home. It's not like when I was shooting heroin and living in a doghouse, which is what ultimately happened. It wasn't that. But it was like robbing me of my fullest life, you know? And I feel like there's, that's for all of the people that get clean and sober when they're at that stage of the game, of which there are a lot, right? That did coke and drink and you've interviewed them. I've interviewed them and I'm always like, what made you stop? You still had a car, you know? It blows my mind.

But they were able to recognize, okay, but this is like robbing me of my full life experience, you know, and to me, that's definitely evidence of what that was at that point. Yeah, for sure. What do you think was fueling the desire here? So I remember my first thought around doing Coke for the first time when I was in Georgia was I was really sad about like I mentioned my dad's like my favorite person and I was super sad that they split up gutted sad a grief like I've never felt to this day you know just like grief over my family the loss of my family and when I did Coke I didn't feel any of that anymore I was nice I wasn't sad anymore because I was like a really grumpy bartender it was a very

friendly and on Coke I was really friendly and I think it was that sadness that was fueling it initially. And then I believe that because I am an addict in my brain, that just kept going. Right. There was the part where I wasn't able to stop. And I used the original sadness as an excuse for a really long time to keep going. So, you know, I don't know. That's an interesting question. I don't think anyone who's ever asked me that before. But somewhere in the middle of all of that was also just the addict side of me. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah, that's interesting. So when does heroin get introduced to your life?

So when I moved out from my mom's house, I moved, so there's a Marine base near here, and I moved in with a Marine, and he had a couple of former Marine friends that had all gotten out, and they were actually so working on the base, but as civilian contractors. And one of them, I started dating. And I didn't know this, but I guess at some point earlier in his life, he'd been addicted to OxyContin. And he had a bunch of PTSD. He'd gone overseas twice.

He'd gone to Afghanistan twice. And he had a lot of PTSD and a traumatic brain injury. And when you were talking about like when you picture someone's like family life growing up, what would make a heroin addict? Like he had all those things. We were from very different worlds. And he'd been an addict at one point earlier. And then when I met him, we were of course drinking and doing other things. But I don't think he was doing opiates when I met him.

and then 18 months in, I remember I was actually, I was in Florida at a funeral. My grandfather had died and I couldn't get in touch with him at all, the guy that I was dating for three days. And I was insane, but I was like super duper insane. And I assumed he was cheating on me, of course. And I was like, like, the fuck. And all the crazy girl things like telling people to go by his place and all this shit. I can't get in touch with them. And I'm like, I know what's going on.

And he lived like 25 minutes away from my house. So I get back. I'm like screaming home from the airport, run to my house, do whatever, drive out to his house, go drive up into the front yard. And I remember he just like, busting through the front door. And his roommate was sitting on the couch. And he was like, hey. And I started like just storming through the house. And he was like, you can't just do that. I remember he was playing a video game. And he literally just dropped the controller when I walked in. And he was like, you can't just do that, Janine. And I was like, cute, Chris. And I like went down the hallway. And I literally. kicked open this guy's door. There's actually another story that I don't think I've ever told. And I kicked open his door, totally thinking there's going to be a chick there. And all the lights are off. And there's a movie on. And there's no one there except for him. And you know how cigarette smoke hangs heavy in the air? If somebody's been smoking a lot inside, there was that heavy haze of cigarette smoke. And it kind of smelled like weed a little bit too. And there was tin foil from making pipes everywhere.

pipes everywhere and a pizza box and he was just laying in bed by himself. And he looked up and he was like, oh, hey, you're back. And I was like, yeah, what the fuck, dude? I've been calling you for three days. And he was like, oh, yeah, I'm like really sick. And I was like, oh, shit. Okay. All right. I like sat down and what's wrong? What do you have? And he's, I don't know, like, maybe I have the flu or something. And I was like, okay. And again, because I was insane, I was like, well, You didn't answer my phone calls, and I had to drive out here, so you owe me gas money. So if you could get up and come with me, I need you to put gas in my car. And I don't know why, but he was like, okay, he was probably just too tired of a fight,

but that's an insane thing that I asked him to do. But he was like, okay, so we go to the gas station, and he's like, barely speaking. And I remember I tried to put $10 in the car, and his card got declined for $10. And then it got declined for $5. And then it got declined for $3. And so I put money in the car. We're driving back to his house. And he was like, hey, yeah, sorry, you know.

I was like, okay. And we got back to his house. We're in the front yard. And I was like, what is going on with you? And I knew that he had had a problem in the past. And I was like, if you're back on like pills or something, you can tell me I used to be a drug addict. I can help you because I used to be this bad cocaine addict and I'm not anymore, you know. And I can help you.

And he was like, well, I am doing something again, but it's not pills. And I said, okay. And I'll never forget this. He was like, but before I tell you what I'm about to tell you, I just want you to know that I know what you're going to have to do. And I just want to say that I'm really sorry. And I love you and I wanted things to be different with you. And I'll never forget him saying that. I was like, okay, what's going on? And he was like, I am, I'm doing heroin. I'm doing heroin. And I remember, I felt like all of the air left the car.

And I was like heroin, you know, holy shit. And I feel like every heroin app, maybe not every, but a lot of heroin addicts feel that way when they first encounter, you know, a lot of us feel that way. We feel the same way someone listening to the show right now who's never done heroin, but their kid is addicted, feels. they hear the word. It's scary. It's like the scariest one. I guess not now fentanyl is, but, you know, it's like the scariest one. And so I remember I came back into my body and he was getting out of the car and going into his house. And I watched him. And I remember there was this moment

where my instinct was like, leave, drive away. But I'd been with him for a year and a half. And I knew that he'd had this awful life and these tours overseas and he'd seen all this stuff. And I was was like, I'm not just going to, like, leave him. Everyone has left him. And I remember going inside with him and I was like, look, I'm not going to leave. I'll help you. And I remember Googling that night, like, how do you help someone that's, like, sick from heroin? Of course, now we know nothing. There's nothing that you can do. And so I tried to help him. And then the next day when he was at work, I remember saying, hey, how are you feeling? And he was like, oh, much better. Thank you. And of course, now I know, I'm like, well, he got well.

right, obviously at work with one of the guys he was working with, but I didn't know that. And I was like, oh, good. And so over the next few weeks, I'm like, so how's the heroin thing going? And he's totally fine. I'm like, cool. And then, of course, he gets sick again. And I'm like, what? And we're in the dope sick cycle. And then I don't honestly even remember. I have a really good memory. I remember a lot from that time. But this, I don't remember. I don't remember when I did it with him. I think I caught him doing it one more time. And I was like, if it's so great, let me. try it because I was drunk and I smoked some and thought it was disgusting. And then a week later and our stories are actually quite similar in terms of, so I didn't know you got

dope sick. Despite having had seen him like that, I still didn't know that if you do this for X amount of time, you're on your ass on the floor. I really, I didn't know that. And I would hear the guys talk about being dope sick, but it just didn't seem real. And first, I'm smoking it with him. I was teaching fitness, and so I'm doing all my bar classes and doing choreography, and I've lost weight. But first, it's great, right? I'm doing great. And I remember after, I don't know how long, maybe a month. And again, this is where our stories are really similar.

After maybe like a month, I wasn't going to go out to his house. I wasn't going to smoke. And I never bought it or anything. I was at my house, and we had a mutual friend who also smoked heroin who lived very near me, like two minutes away. And I wasn't going to go out to his house. And our mutual friend called me. and said, hey, what are you doing? And I was like, well, I was going to go take this Pilates class,

but I think I'm getting sick. I think I'm getting like the flu. And he was like, Junine. I said, what? And he was like, I think you're dope sick. And I said, no, I'm not. That's, I'm not doing it enough. And he said, okay, well, then why don't you come over here and smoke some and we'll see how you feel. And of course, I was like, okay, you know. And so I went over to his house, bagged my class, went over there. And I remember, I even, I brought my own straw. And he handed me the foil in the straw. And I was like, oh, no, I don't want to get you sick. I come in. And I'll never forget. He looked at me like so sad because he knew what I was about to discover. And so I smoked with my own straw. And I immediately felt better. And I remember looking at him when he was just

staring at me. And I can see us in his room. We were standing on the edge of his bed. And I had like my knee up on the footboard and one leg on the ground holding it, looking at him and he was just standing there. And I was like, holy shit, did I just accidentally get strung out on heroin? And he was like, Janine, we told you. And I was like, no, you didn't tell me. No. When I remember, and I was like, so what do I do? How long does it take to not to be sick? What do I do if I want to stop? And he was like two weeks. I was like two weeks. I have to teach tomorrow. I can't be sick for two weeks. What else can I do? And he was like, I mean, get more. And I was like, get more? Okay. Where do I buy? I have to buy heroin now. And I remember I was just

like, Florida. And he was like, yeah, I mean, I can give you the guy's number. And I was like, is he scary? Does he have a gun? I don't want to go to a heroin dealer's house. And he's no, it's, you know, it's my buddy Brad, which is not his actual name, but that's the name that I always give him. And he's no, he's not scary. It's my buddy Brad. And I'm like, well, great. I guess I just had to buy heroin now. And I was like as shocked as anyone. And so he brings me to Brad's house, who actually ends up becoming like pivotal in my sobriety story, the guy, Brad.

So I go meet him and buy heroin for the first time and spend 20 bucks. And 10 months later, I'm homeless, which had not happened with cocaine. It's a very different thing, right? As you know. Yeah. Yeah. that's the thing. I always wonder too with people who, I haven't had a lot of people on the show,

anybody actually who's been doing heroin. And I had this guy and he warned me. And a lot of other people I've heard share this story. It's this weird sort of passing of the torch that happens when you cross over, right? Because I was doing pills for a while. And nobody ever mentioned it. It wasn't like, hey, you know, everybody was doing it. Like everybody, it seemed. I mean, I know everybody.

Right. It wouldn't seem like that. Right. But he told me that we're sitting in the back of this car. It was the strangest thing. But he was a lot older than me. I met him at his restaurant. We saw, we got this restaurant together.

So he had some older boys working there. He was probably, I was in my 20s. He was probably 40-something. And, yeah, he just broke it down for me. He's like, this bridge you're about the cross. That's a really hard one to kind of get back. It was like that fair warning. Like, it was right there.

But that was like the fair warning he gave me before, hey, the pills are nothing. This right here, you're about to, they call it chasing the dragon, right? Yeah, yeah. You're always trying to get back to how it once was. Right, right.

Only to realize that that's a hard spot to get back to. So no one said it that clearly to me that I remember if you found any one of these guys, which I wonder sometimes if any of them have ever seen my TikToks and been like, whoa, is that fucking Janine? You know what I mean? And so I wonder sometimes if they're like, damn, she's out here in the streets talking about it.

Okay. You know, don't use anybody's name. But no one made it that clear. What did happen was after I used a needle later, the same guy kind of, I don't want to say made me because you can't make someone do anything, which is something I really had to come to terms with later because I blamed him for all of this. But you can't make someone do heroin. And in fact, I had my first sponsor. And she came over to do step work with me. And I was like, listen, just so you know, I super appreciate your time.

But I'm not actually an addict. I used to be a cocaine addict and quit, right? Like my old story. I was like, the problem is I got addicted to heroin, which is like the thing you have to do every day. So once I'm not on heroin, like, I'm fine. I'm not really an addict. Just so you know or whatever. And she was like, okay, I can see why you would think that.

And I remember her saying that in years later, I thought about like how true that is. like my good friends from high school, like the girlfriends I graduated with, like, if they were dating a guy and they found out he was on heroin, they would break up with him. You know what I mean? They wouldn't stick around and try it. And I had to come terms with that later and like really take accountability for that. And like the girls that I was in AP classes with this would never have happened. So later, he did switch us to needles for a variety of reasons. And he said that they were easier to hide. And you know, the foil leaves smudgy prints on your hands. And so I would leave smudgy prints on your hands. And so I would leave smudges. legy stuff on like motel room walls. And I remember he was like, you were going to get busted because you're black fingerprints everywhere. We have to use needles, which is like not good logic at all. But at some point, finally, I was like, fine. So when we did, when we used needles, another older dude that we were hanging out with one day when my ex wasn't there, I had a rig out. And I remember his name was Danny. He was like, you guys use needles now? And I was like, yeah, he thinks that I don't know, it's better or whatever.

And I remember he was like, well, so Janine, just so you know, everything now just really got amplified. And he said his name, my ex's name. And he was like, I really wish he hadn't brought that to you. And so that was the closest I ever got to somebody attempting to foreshadow the conflict that I was about to engage in. For sure. But even when the story there I shared, it wasn't like they were trying to prevent that. Right. No, that's true.

You know, be aware of. Be aware. Yeah. Caution ahead. Caution ahead. Yeah. Beware of dog or something. And then you.

Yeah, exactly. Steep Hill ahead. Yeah. So you mentioned that at the end. We've got about 10 minutes left here. You mentioned that and we'll get to when you got sober and stuff. You mentioned at the end. What did that look like for you?

So in the end, I lived in a dog house. So probably five years after getting strung out, right, from the moment where I'm in my Buddy's house. Five years later, I'm living at a doghouse, my drug dealer's backyard. And I was there for three nights. And I'd gotten kicked out of a sober living because I had this whole pattern where I would be using and passing a P test anyway in your sober living. And I got kicked out of one. And I was in this dog house. And it was more of a shed that he would like padlock at night, like a little shed in his backyard. And he had padlocked me in from the outside. And actually, that first roommate that I had years prior, the person that I met my, my house, and he was a

ex through. He would always, I think he felt a lot of guilt around that, even though he certainly didn't need to. And any time he was back in town, because he stayed a Marine. And when he would get back to the base, he would call me. And the last night that I was there, he called me. And there's a lot in here, obviously, right? But ultimately, one of the things that my mom did for me in the end was she would pay for me to have a flip phone that I wouldn't trade. And prior to that, they wouldn't do anything at all. It was very tough love, no food, no whatever. So I had this flip phone, fortunately. He called me. and said, hey, I'm back. I'm stationed at 29 Palms. What are you doing? And I said, I am living in a doghouse in Oceanside. And I think I'm going to die. And he was like, okay, if I come get you tomorrow, will you please

come with me? And I did. And he came and picked me up the next day. And 29 Palms is a base that's two hours away from here. And he drove out. He picked me at the next morning. I went back to his house and kicked heroin for the last time, not in jail. Because I also got arrested a bunch during that time too. Like, my last arrest was for strong arm robbery and I was going to get a strike and blah, blah, blah. So that's all happening as well, you know, all of the things. So I went back to his house and it should not have worked. I didn't have any medication. I wasn't in jail. I wasn't in a rehab. I was just at this guy's house. And I kicked for the last time and that was January 15th, 2015. And so in a few months, hopefully I'll have nine years in January.

And that was after years of trying. So that's what it looked like in the end, basically. Yeah, wow. Why did the padlock the dog house at night? That's a good question. So it was not to keep me in. It was to keep his wife out. So he had left, he had let another girl stay there before. And his wife found out.

And literally, this was like a story that we all knew, chased the girl down the street with a chainsaw. Seriously, like a running chainsaw. And so it was to keep me from getting murdered by a chainsaw. It was to protect me, not keep me in. He would open it during the day and bring me dope. My goodness. Yeah.

What a story. What a story there. So after you're at buddies's place there, your friend's place there, where do you go from there? So my first dealer ever, the guy Brad, that I always talk about, we had had this moment where right before I moved into that dog house, we were talking. I was gotten kicked out of my sober living and I was going to forge a blood test because that's what they were asking. asking me for. I was asking him for his phone so I could look up this logo of the hospital. And I was like, come on, man. And he was just kind of looking at me. And he'd been clean for years by then. So he'd gotten busted eventually for selling, did two years, got out. And he'd been out

for a few months and was doing well. And I was like, what am I supposed to do? And he said, I mean, you could get clean. And I went to save the dog house, kicked heroin. While I was at my friend's house, I was calling him. And he was in a sober living and doing well. And I was like, And I lived in that same sober living twice and gotten kicked out twice for selling heroin on the property in the laundry room. And so I called my friend and I was like, hey, can you ask Steve if you'll please let me live there again? Because I don't have anywhere else to go, whatever. And he was like, all right, I'll ask him. And then for three days, he'd call me every day.

And he'd be like, Steve says, no way. Don't come to this property. And I was like, oh, he's so dramatic. And so finally, after four days, he was like, he'll let you stay on the couch only. And I had like vouched for you. And looking back, I actually think my friend maybe paid some money, like, because I had no money at all. And he let me move in for free and start paying $300 a month just to stay on the couch. And I've wondered now if my friend Brad paid the first month because why the sudden charity?

You know what I mean? So although the guy Steve is amazing and changed my life too. He's a very good man. It's also possible. He just said fine. So he gets me into the sober living. I move into the sober living. living and I had done one thing before I left, moved into the doghouse. I had emailed someone

on Craigslist. I was looking for a spin and bar teacher, like 20 minutes south of where my sober living was. And I of course couldn't go because I was strung out, but I would always see if like my resume would like still get me interviews and stuff. And I had this wild delusion that maybe I could do it. And I obviously didn't make it. And when I came back, I emailed her again and said, hey, would you audition me again? She said yes. And so I took the bus and I went and auditioned. I got that job and I owned that studio four years later. That's my studio that I had. And so I started with 19 days off heroin, no ID. I had to go to check casting places. I had to get an ID first, like the welfare bus pass, food stamps, the flip phone, the whole nine. And over the course of

that next four years, met my husband, got married. We bought that studio four years later. which was studio cyber. There's still some of it on my social media. I sold it in 2022. But that was a studio that I ended up owning. And that girl, we still work together. Actually, we have another spin studio now where I'm at. So, which is crazy.

That was nine years ago. Wow. That is crazy. I know. That weird. That is. Yeah. But that's cool.

That's cool. That's what the recovery and sobriety does for us, right? Totally. Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I'm a 12-step person, just to throw this in there. I know, especially now from doing my show, as I'm sure you have learned,

there's so many different paths to recovery that people do that work for them. My sponsor, I think, is like the primary reason why I'm probably so clean and sober to this day, my friend, Rachel, like she's amazing. I still call her all the time. She sponsored me from the very beginning. I already knew her actually, too, while I was at my friend's house. And I like to add this because I was in and out so much. I always thought the relapses were such failures. But that last time, I knew her. I knew the guy that owned the sober living. Like every time I was coming in, I was gaining resources that were there when I was ready to execute on those. And so for anyone that's listening, that's relapsed a lot, like you've learned every time. Think about how much more you know now than when you

first started trying. But yes, definitely the gifts of recovery. I got a car eight months. Finally got my license back, moved out of the silver living, stayed there for a year. Just all the pieces start coming together. Yeah. No. Yeah, they do. They really do. That's so incredible. Yeah. Now, I have a million dollar question here for you, though. Do you change the oil in the new car? Yes, I do. Actually, I'm so glad that you asked me. That's actually happened to me multiple times where I didn't change oil to a car.

And I know exactly what it feels like when all the head gas gets blow at once. Like, as soon as that happens, I'm like, I know this feeling. This car is done. In fact, as soon as I started dating my husband, like two months in, that happened. But this car I did take care of. It was just older. Someone had given it to me. A client gave me a car when I was working at that studio.

who didn't even know I was in recovery. I was seven months clean. She gave me a car. And I thought it would be so long until I, you know, because I only had a thousand bucks saved. So that car is already older. I did take care of it,

but all the head gasket's blew. And I called my husband. We'd only been dating for a few months. And I was like, my car, it's done. So can't come get me? And he was like, how do you know it's done? We can have my friend look at it. And I'm like, no, trust me.

It's done. I know exactly what it feels like when all the head gasket's flow at once. I know what it sounds like. I know what it feels like. You have to just suddenly, It all locks up. You have to cruise it over to the side.

It's over. And sure enough, I did take it to a mechanic. And the mechanic was like, yeah, man, I don't know what you did here, but all the head gasket flew. And I was like, see? I knew it. So yes, now I change the oil in cars. Or at least add it.

At least add it if I know it's been a while. I guess that's better than letting it run completely dry, right? Dude, I'm all of the meme chicks that they, joke about the stereotypical girl with the car. I'm all those things and I'll totally admit it. Progress. Progress, not perfection. I'm wondering throughout this entire journey, what have you been able to take away from it, learn from everything? A lot, so much. My main takeaway probably is that even this time when I came in 2015, I was so embarrassed and so ashamed of my history and I thought that I had lost so much, you know, like the whole, I couldn't let go of this

idea that I had been in college, maybe going to go to law school. I was so smart, like AP classes, SATs, and all of my friends, like when I was using, I'd go on Facebook on like other people's phones. And my friends are like buying houses, getting married. They did go to law school, making partner, like whatever, all the things. And then there's me. And I just felt there's almost no point. I have lost so much. And I remember going to an AA meeting and you know in the promises they say like, will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. And I remember thinking, dude, if that's how you feel, then we're not the same because I have lost so much. You cannot tell me that there's no way that I won't regret this. And when I was in that sober living

at 90 days, I was turning 35 and I had 90 days. And I just kept thinking that if the ghost of Christmas future had come into the hallway at my high school when I was a senior and been like, hey, Janine, I have a crystal wall here. Do you want to see where you're going to be when you're 35? I'd been like, yes, totally. Show me. I'm sure I'm going to be married and rich and like living in a mansion. And yeah, show me. And if the ghost of Christmas future had been like, yeah, none of that shit's going to happen. But you will have 90 days off of heroin, which for you will be like an amazing achievement at that point in your life, I would have been devastated, you know, and I just kept, thinking that. And I did this meditation and I went outside on the deck of my sober living and I did a

meditation and it was a gratitude meditation. And afterwards, I saw this really nice view off the deck of my sober living. And I thought of my sober living is very rundown. And I saw this beautiful view. And I remember thinking that's so beautiful. And I was overcome with the feeling of not being dope sick or having to get well. Right. I was overcome with the idea that like I didn't need $20 to breathe. That cycle is all. And then the methadone cycle and you throw all that stuff in. And I saw that view. And I realized that like my gratitude left over from my addiction had allowed me to see that view because I was like, well, that didn't just get here while I was meditating, right? That's always been there. I've lived in this town a long time. They've never been able to see or recognize that view. Did my addiction like

leave me more grateful? Did my addiction leave me better off? And what I have learned since then is what was feeling is post-traumatic growth. And everybody has heard of post-traumatic stress, right? But there's a third way back from trauma. This isn't my theory. This is an actual, like, psychological phenomena that anybody can Google or look at, which is post-traumatic growth. And we can actually come back from a traumatic experience better. And so I always say it's not like we don't just have to bounce back. We can actually bounce forward. And that's the thing that I've learned, that like, that hard thing that I was so embarrassed about, actually left me with the best version of myself.

Because often we feel stronger. We're physically stronger. We feel more resilient. We develop a sense of gratitude like the one that I was feeling. We're more grateful for our relationships. We can help somebody else through the same thing. And so I am no longer ashamed of any of that stuff. I'm so grateful for what happened.

And I would not have thought that I ever would have felt that way. I would never have thought that I would have publicly come onto a podcast and spoken about the years that I spent homeless or living in a dog house. And I think that's the main thing that I've learned. And then that knowledge helps me now. And it would help me manage what was happening. Or my studio, I owned it during COVID in California. It was very difficult.

And I knew from what I had learned from my addiction, that those things are actually the parts of our lives that make us so much better and so much stronger. And it's like the gift of my life to know that. And so that's why I'm so grateful for my addiction, not just my recovery, but my actual addiction when all the things that came along with that. Yeah, no, thank you so much for sharing that. Because it's a weird thing looking back, right? To say, right?

Yeah. I'm that I'm played out. I really am because if I'm, yeah, if I'm being honest, the 18-year-old in the hallway that would have been horrified by the crystal ball version of me at 35. Yeah. That girl was not grateful. All I thought about was all the things that I didn't have. My values were very different.

I mean, granted, obviously, I was 18. My dad sometimes is like, Janine, also your teenager. And I'm like, I know that. Okay, and obviously I didn't know all the things I was going to learn. But still, if I'm really honest, I don't think that version of me was going to change the world through helping people or change anybody's life. And I'm so much happier now. You feel the same way, right? I feel like I asked you this on my show.

You're grateful for all of it, right? I don't know if we went over. Or no. Yeah. I mean, you know, in a sense, yeah. I mean, it definitely brings you to another. place to build character and look at things differently. Yeah, I can relate with you at 17, 18. I knew what was best and everything, everybody else was crazy with their ideas. And I

thought I was going to do all this stuff that never would have happened at all. Right. Right. Right. Grand plans. I think the only part that, you know, sucks about it all, like I don't, of course, like damaging myself and everything was hard, but just the impact on other people, I think, was a harder thing to work through the healing process of the, the rest of, you know, recovery part. It's like, I wish it was dis-isolated to me and I could have just kind of destroyed my own dog on life. But like my folks, I had a lot like you. I came from incredible folks and family and everything like that. But I mean, yeah, at the end of the day, like, I wouldn't go back and change anything, you know? Right. Some people would accept that. Other people would say that's, you know,

that haven't been through it. That's bananas. But I mean, we end up where we end up. And if we're happy about with where we end up and I think that's. Yeah. You know, it plays out, right? That's just where we are right now. Yeah. I think one of the reasons I feel that way to is I didn't have a lot of access to other people. I had access to my mom. And I definitely cost her money.

But I didn't have access to anybody. You know what I mean? Like I didn't have access to my dad. I couldn't mess him up. I couldn't fuck up my brother. You know, I definitely committed minor crimes in the community. But I also didn't have a lot of access to other people's money. You know, otherwise I probably would have done like a way more damage.

And then I do have, I have one regret, one of the times that I was in jail, I was like picking my, I used to pick a lot. And I was, had been picking my face before I went into jail. And one of them got like really infected while I was in jail and left a scar on my face that I hate. So I'll add that because if anybody is listening like, I feel like it's not realistic to say you would take like nothing back. You know what I mean? I would take that back. Would you change though that you're banned from the United States or you don't, it doesn't really bother you that. much. No, it was the best thing that ever happened in my life. Okay. Okay. All right. Yeah. And you don't really care about not coming back or anything like that. I mean, if it plays out that way, it plays out that way, you know? Yeah, yeah. Go with the flow, right? I just go with the flow. But you don't think, wow, I really wish I could see Mount Rushmore one day, right? Like, you're not like spending time thinking, I wish I could go to the Florida Keys. You don't care, right? There's lots of beautiful things in the world, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it just is what it. I try I cannot think I caught up and everything that I can't control.

Of course. So much for. Of course. I'm sharing. Sure. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it. Well, there it is, everyone.

Another incredible episode. Thank you so much, Janine. Also check out Janine because she has a podcast as well. I'll drop the information for that down on the show notes. If you were able to connect with any part of her story or just want to send her a thank you. Be sure to do that. I'll drop her Instagram contact. also in the show notes.

I hope your year is starting off on the right foot, sober, connected, and staying involved and being present for what really matters in life. That's one thing I'm taking into this new year is to be present. Not that I wasn't present last year, that I wasn't as president as I wanted to be

when I should have been. So that's one thing I'm bringing into this new year. I'm wondering what you all are bringing into the new year. What are you, what adjustments are you hoping to make? a huge New Year's resolution person. I feel like throughout the year I'm always making adjustments. I'm not necessarily waiting for New Year's to give up the candy or the snacks or whatever else it may be. But adjustments can always be made throughout the year. But, you know, the new year is a place to start.

So if that's your thing, let me know about it. Send me a message over on Instagram. I'm at sober motivation. I get back to every note. At least I try to. Eventually I will, but usually I get back to it pretty quick. People are always like, wow, Brad, you know, I'm like, yeah, well, I'm just here and I just happen to open the phone and you sent the message. So thank you and let's chat about it. So thank you, everybody too, for an incredible 2023 too for the podcast, for everything. It's much appreciated, as always.

I hope it's been helpful. I really do. I want to people come on here and share their incredible. powerful stories and vulnerable and they really take a chance on this entire platform. The messages that they get after just seem so incredible. So thank you all for being sure to let people know who come on the show to share their story that we appreciate it. And for everybody that's going through something, hang in there.

You know, keep it going. I just put up this new post on Instagram. It just had me thinking, right? Because sometimes if you're early on in the journey, it's tough at times, right? But I put this up there and I'll leave you with this. No one hits 30 days sober without one, two, and three first. No one hits six months without 30, 60, and 90 days first. Don't beat yourself up if you're early in the process.

We all started there. Keep going. And I'll see you on the next one.