Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - From Alcohol Addiction and Liver Failure to Sobriety: Will's Sober Story

Episode Date: September 1, 2026

Will Gordon’s alcohol addiction progressed to drinking as much as 1.75 liters of vodka every two days. His health deteriorated, he was diagnosed with alcoholic hepatitis and cirrhosis, and eventually his organs began shutting down.In this episode of the Sober Motivation Podcast, Will shares the reality of alcohol addiction, secret drinking, blackouts, trying to quit drinking, liver failure, transplant, and the moment doctors told him he may have only weeks to live.Now more than 1,200 days sober, Will reflects on what finally changed, the fight to survive, and what recovery and sobriety look like today.If you or someone you love is struggling with alcohol, Will’s story is a powerful look at alcohol addiction, quitting drinking, liver disease, and finding a new life in sobriety.Will on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thewillpowerpodcast/Sober Motivation Mobile App: https://apps.apple.com/app/sober-motivation-app/id6759266291Sober Motivation Website: https://www.sobermotivation.comSupport the Podcast: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivationContact me anytime: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The doctor took a look at me and we're like, we don't know what to do with you because you've got to be six months, but you only have like three, four weeks left of your life. And I was like, what do you mean? 26 months ago when I first connected with Will, he sent me this video. And it stopped me in my tracks. I knew I had to hear his story. How did he get to that point? More importantly, how did he make it out? Today for episode 300, we're revisiting Will's incredible story.

And before we get into it, I just want to say thank you. whether you've been listening since day one or you found the podcast last week. I'm forever grateful for the support you've shown me and especially the guests who have had the courage to share their stories here. If this podcast has helped to you in any way and you'd like to help support the cost of keeping it going, you can head over to buy me a coffee.com slash sober motivation. And if you're looking for more support on your sober journey, check out the sober motivation app. We've got daily support calls, a sober tracker, a built-in journal,

and a community of people that truly understand. you can find it all at sobermotivation.com. And this is Will's story on the sober motivation podcast. Welcome back to another episode of the sober motivation podcast today. We've got Will with us. Will, how are you? Good, buddy, good. And so happy to be back here again with you, man.

It's just such a privilege to come back on your show. Yeah, man. Thank you so much for jumping back on. It's been a while since we connected last. You know, you first came on the podcast. A lot of things have changed since then. so it's great to reconnect. Absolutely, man.

So much has changed. My life is completely different in all the best way as possible. And it's just, like I said, it's such a privilege to come back on your show and talk with you. I love catching out with you. You're one of the biggest inspirations and the main reasons why I'm still doing what I'm doing and holding up, holding up strong. You know, holding up strong because of you, man. Yeah. So what was it like for you growing up?

So growing up for me, man, was pretty traditional. I was the youngest of four, four boys. So super, super competitive family, like academically athletics for sure. That was like a big one because my dad was a Hall of Fame hockey coach high school. And there was a lot to live up to, you know, a lot of expectations, a lot of do this. You got to be this way. Always do the right thing when no one's looking, you know, all that kind of thing. So he passed away back in 2024.

But he was a main, a big reason for who I am, who I am today. He had a ton of great qualities, but he also had a lot of, you know, he was a big drinker. He was a big drinker. So when I would see him have a stressful day, man, like he would come home and drink. And if he had a good day, he would come home and drink. So I just thought, like, alcohol was the next logical step of what you do when you're trying to, like, celebrate or grieve or whatever. You know, you just pick up the bottle and start drinking when, whenever things get tough. So I saw that as an example, not saying that he is the main reason why.

I became the version I did become, but it was definitely didn't help. Yeah. Yeah, seeing a lot of that growing up. And I mean, a lot of people that have shared on the podcast over the years, too, sometimes they see that and they maybe make a commitment to themselves that they're not going to drink and then they find themselves struggling with drinking and everything that's seen it. What about like your family outside of that, your mom?

And then where did you grow up? And like, were you into sports? You mentioned your dad was the hockey coach. Yeah, yeah. So I was a big hockey player, football player, lacrosse player. I played a little lacrosse up in New Hampshire at school I went to. And yeah, it was just a big part of the fabric of our family. I was brought up Roman Catholic, really, really strict.

So I went to CCD all the way up until 18. So like there was that Catholic guilt. And it's kind of like, because I'm from Boston. So it's kind of like this East Coast mentality that it's like tough love. It's like all that shame and guilt nobody talks about. nobody ever talks about like the hard, difficult things because that's a sign of weakness. That's why we don't do that. So, yeah, it's basically a lot of just confusion as a kid and just not knowing where to, like,

where to go. Like, I just didn't know where to go with my life. I felt as a teacher, because that's where I was doing. I was a teacher for many, many years. And it was just, it burnt me out. I felt like it was just exhausting. I was just exhausted. Yeah.

When did you first get into drinking? Like in, you have older brothers, too. Like, what's the difference between in ages for your brothers? So we're all three years apart. So I'm the youngest, and then I have three older brothers. So we're all three years apart separately. So I would watch my oldest brother. He wasn't much of a partier, but, you know, I would see him drink and stuff.

And I'm like, okay, so that's normal. And then my other brother, he was a little more of a partier, but not crazy, nothing like that. But then my other brother was definitely more. And like kind of woven into the fabric of our family was just to either just just to drink. My mother wasn't really a big drinker at all, though. She always kind of held it all together. You know, so she kind of missed that.

But my, you know, all the boys, all the Gordon boys, we kind of were big drinkers, man, yeah. Yeah. When do you start drinking? 14. Yeah. At my first drink at 14. It was crazy. We were like passing a bottle around and not in a bottle, a beer.

We would sneak into like, you know, we would sneak into like, you know, we would sneak into friends, parents' houses and go into their little beer fridge in the cellar. You know, that's what we call it here in the cellar. And we'd grab beers and just drink it. And I remember the first time I had a sip, dude, it was like, it was unbelievable. It was like I finally could feel like it was the version of me that I was always trying to be. And because I didn't have to overthink.

I didn't, I could just be free. I just felt like finally in my own skin. Like I was, I felt like I was always wearing a suit that just didn't fit right, if that makes sense. Like, nothing fit right for me. So the second that I had alcohol in my system, it was just like fabulous. I was like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe I can feel this way. And so we would drink on the weekends all through high school, which is pretty typical.

Not typical, but from where I grew up, it was very typical. You just saw it all the time. We'd go in the woods and drink. It was all fun and games, honestly, for those first five, seven years. But, you know, still not normal. That's not, you know, definitely not normal. Yeah, but I think there is a point there too. Like it doesn't necessarily signal a problem down the road.

Like I remember when I first started drinking too, I had a lot of buddies I drank with and we, like, it was just madness. But I noticed that there was a point in their life where they kind of moved on. Like they still drank and it wasn't creating consequences or madness in their life. I don't know that it, to say that it ever won't do that. But there seemed to be a difference the way I was drinking from the early onset than maybe other people. or why I was drinking. Like I wonder when you look back at the people you're drinking with, is it because they feel like they're wearing a suit that doesn't fit?

Or is it just because that's what everybody's doing, let loose a little bit, you know, the peer pressure or acceptance? Is there anything you draw back to that that, you know, had you in that position to where you felt like, I don't know if like the lack of belonging or unworthy or just kind of. Yeah, it was all those things. Yeah, Brad, it was all those things. I so desperately wanted to be liked. That's what it was. I was insecure. So I so desperately just wanted to be liked. Like it's a really common thing that people want. You know, they crave validation. They crave that the attention, right, as you do when you're younger. But I really did. And I really wanted to be that guy who just shows up and, you know, in high school hallways, like, knows everyone, high five and everyone, like is the man. And I looked a little older too. Like when I was 18, I had older brothers.

I remember using one of my brothers' friends who looked kind of similar to me. I got his ID. So I was buying like the school alcohol at like 18 and pretending I was a 21 year old. So it was like, again, like that was a big part of what kind of started me off on a really bad direction was just the fact that I can kind of get away with buying it at such a young age. It just carried me into college. And then I was buying like the dorm, all the alcohol. Then I was buying like, all my friends. friends that I knew, like, who weren't 21, like, I was buying all them alcohol. So it was just,

I was just, like, buying everyone booze. And I was doubling, like, my drinking every single time I would do that, you know, it was just craziness. It's unsustainable. That's what it was. It was unsustainable. Yeah. And maybe, maybe feeds into that identity piece. I pick up on a lot of people, too, of identity as the drinker or that's kind of your maybe role in the friend group. And now you're getting everybody alcohol. And it's like, okay, and it's just checking the box. acceptance and belonging. Right. It's like once you get the validation that I was seeking, you know, you need it again, you need it again, you need it again. So like every single time someone would ask, like I would always say, oh, yeah, sure, okay, yeah, okay, whatever you need.

Like, yeah, sure, okay, as long as I'm invited to the party or whatever, you know, it's just really immature attention seeking behavior, unfortunately. And little did I know of, man, that would spiral me down a path of just, you cannot, I couldn't rein in. I couldn't rein in. it back in. I just couldn't rain it back in. It just got out of control progressively day after day after day. Yeah, which is interesting. I mean, and I'm sure we're going to get into a lot of it too, but I mean, your story here probably sounds like a lot of people in a lot of ways, right? Oh, yeah. Where it goes from there is, I'm only guessing here, but not something you ever expected, right? Because a lot of people will, as we kind of move through this, a lot of people

might be sort of in earlier stages of their drinking. And not everybody's going to end up where this all took you, but we can really convince ourselves that there's nothing to see here. It's just, you know, college partying. And it's all good. And of course, I'm going to turn this around, you know, later on the road, no problem. I always thought that I could like, you know, you know what really drives me crazy to you, Brad, is like my friends and I,

we would like make jokes about, oh, man, my liver took a hit last night. Oh, my God. my liver was going to be hurting again in the morning. And I think back at that, those jokes, man, and how just cavalier they were and just immature and just, I just didn't know. I was naive. I was ignorant to the whole idea of how alcohol can attach itself,

like osmosis style into your body and just kind of take you along with it. You know, it's all fun. Like every drug is, it's all fun in the beginning. It's kind of like waving you around. And then all of a sudden it gets teeth into you. And next thing you know, you don't even know how to get out of it. It's all consuming. It's everything.

You know, it's, it's the, it's everything. It's no longer like the enjoyable fun thing. It's now I need this to survive. I need this because I can't get up. I need this to plan my day. It became chaotic, exhausting, and just a terrible existence. Just a terrible existence. So after college, you shared with us a little bit about going through college and stuff like that.

Up to this point, though, Is there any sort of quote unquote consequences that you're experiencing from your drinking? Yeah. So when I was at my junior year of college, I got a DUI. I was at a bar. And I was so broke at that time. I'm sorry, man. I was so broke at that time that I couldn't afford a ticket.

So I got out of the bar. We just had a Scorpion Bowl. And my buddy was like, you're going to get a ticket. So why don't you move your car back to your apartment? which was literally like 100 yards down the road. So I did bad idea. I actually parked my car, got into my apartment, and the cop knocked on my door.

He was like, you blew through that stop sign. And I was, you know, he was at my apartment. What am I going to say? And they got me. So I blew a point two one. So that's like double the legal limit. So I had to go to alcohol school for two weeks. Like I had to go to an amethyst foundation up in New Hampshire

to take care of all of this issue trying to nip in the bud. But clearly that didn't work. I remember it just being not very helpful. It was like they were trying to scare you straight kind of situation, which was never going to work for me because I'm a person who responds best from like compassion, understanding, you know, just just an introspective kind of like collective kind of approach, not like just like, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, because that's going to make me just want to do it more, you know?

A lot of people, they don't get sober that way. Yeah. What was your dad's reaction to that? Did he know? Oh, my God. Right. He was so mad. He was, I've never seen him more furious.

When my father got mad, he would yell, right? But when he got absolutely furious, like disappointed, that's worse. And that's what happened. And he got so upset with me. He just, I remember when they got the thing in the mail that said that I got, you know, your son just got a DUI, he called me. He called me. He's like, Will, what is going on?

And I had no. No rebuttal. I just was, I said, Dad, I, I, I, I, I am, I moved my car. I shouldn't. And I left the bar. I shouldn't. And yeah, he's like, well, why is it a point two one? Like, why are you getting, you know, why did you have that much alcohol in your system? Again, no, no rebuttal. No rebuttal. You know, I just, I enjoy the alcohol so much because it just, like I said, made me the version of who I wanted to be because it made me more popular. And it made me. And you know, it's all. And you know, it's all. Also interesting that I'm realizing, too, is because of my ADHD, I've researched this. So alcohol, what it does for your emotional regulation and your nervous system and the prefrontal cortex part, your brain that is like your irritability, all your thinking, cognitive functions and such. When I would drink, the alcohol would kind of like lower the anxiety level. It would lower all my inhibitions and lowered my brain to make it just me feel better, like almost like medicine. So it was literally medicine for me. And you listen, if you ask anyone who has

ADHD, what alcohol does to them, a lot of them will respond similarly. They'll say that it just makes them feel better because it calms all those crazy thoughts down to like a baseline, so to speak. Yeah. Well, I mean, and it gives you dope. And ADHD is as time goes on, very relatable to my story, looking back, I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was like, I don't know, 10 years old and was on medication and I'll tell you I know the exact point my life went off the rails it was always a little bit wonky but when I was 17 I stopped taking my ADHD medication and it wasn't about a month after that I was in jail headed to my first psych ward headed to rehab and everything unraveled um looking for dopamine in all the wrong places um yeah for acceptance looking to kind of be this class clown and

you know misbehave and stuff like that it did the impulse control was completely gone But you're right, alcohol slows everything down. It's a depressant. So if your mind is constantly racing and stressed out and anxious and then you're drinking, it's like, okay, let's put the brakes on here a little bit. Yeah. And maybe for those of us, because I relate to that too, of feeling insecure. And for those of us, I think that work through that, it's like we're always wondering,

are we saying the right thing? Are we doing the right thing? Maybe second guessing ourselves, but you start drinking. and it's like, man, just everybody's best buddy. So you got this DUI though and you go to this school, but it doesn't really shift things. Do you make any commitment to like, hey, I'm going to like, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So I remember being there and just being so uncomfortable and being surrounded by people I had like nothing in common with. Like these were some tough kids. Kids I didn't have anything in common with. And I just remember thinking I don't want to be like the, these kids, even though they were shining a mirror right back at me. I was these kids. And here I am from like a sanctimonious position trying to, trying to advocate, be like this person who's

better or something. Like that is not who I was. I was no better than anyone else. I was struggling in drowning in alcohol. Not drowning in alcohol yet. That would come up much later. But definitely drinking like to the point of excess every single time. I don't. I don't. remember to like my girlfriend at the time who I met studying abroad we were dating my senior year college and I remember she came to visit me and at this point my alcoholism kind of really was out of control and I remember she came to visit and I was like this jealous just chump so I felt and we went to the bar and she was like getting hit on by all these guys that I knew and stuff and I just got fed up and I left and I remember I just drank an entire bottle of Jack Daniel

And I was unforgivable. I, I left her at the bar and she wasn't even from the state that we were in. And I just remember blacking out falling asleep because I just so furious at her from like, you know, flirting with all the guys or whatever and all the guys that I knew hitting on her. And I remember like she was calling me, calling me, calling me. And I, I'm getting like, irritable just thinking about it because it's so against of my character. It's so against who the, like the version of who I am when I'm sober that it's, it just blows my mind. that I did something like that.

And, you know, of course, I found her, you know, we found each other like five in the morning. She eventually found in my apartment. But like, those are the types of things that I was capable of doing under the influence of alcohol, you know, being a bad person. I didn't know I even had that in my body to be a bad person. I always consider myself like high character, like morals, convictions, all these things that like my dad instilled within me.

I thought that I was that version. but little than I know every single time I drank alcohol, I became a less evolved human. Crazy. Yeah. I mean, it changes us too, right? I mean, especially if you're talking about blacking out. Yeah, which is all. Scary things.

Was that common for you, too, to have blackouts? All the time. All the time. I would get woken up by my roommates being like, do you remember doing that last night, Gordo? Do you remember like going out there doing this, saying that, embarrassing yourself, like an asshole in front of all the. those people. Do you remember that? And I'm like, no, no. And the universe has a really interesting way of just kind of hammering the same lesson over and over and over again until you get the message.

It's just it will do that. And people will walk around walking into walls thinking like, why is, you know, woe is me, woe is me. But like, this is something that I've realized in my now three years of sobriety of 1,200 days. It's, it's, when I reflect back on it, it's that version of who I was. It almost like had to happen that way because nothing was going to interfere with my alcohol. It just wasn't going to interfere with it. You know, every single thing, yeah, it's just, I lost my train of thought, man. And a lot of that has to do with the medication that I'm on this.

You mean a suppressant medication? What happens is I go, I start with a sentence and I go with it. And then next thing I know, I just lose it because when you're on this medication, your train of thought is easily interrupted because of no joke because of all the alcohol I drink. So a lot of the times I'll start a conversation or start like a sentence and I don't know where it's going. And it's not because I don't know where it's going. It's because my brain will just lose it because of all. all the damage I've done to all the gray matter in my brain.

But with three years of sobriety, the neuroplasticity of my brain is kind of like coming back into fruition and it's kind of like leveling itself out. So every day is hard, but there are moments of tranquility and calm and kind of collected thoughts. So it's just a matter of getting there. But it's hard, man. It's hard to be a podcast guy and not know if I'm going to get interrupted by myself in my brain. not being capable of of handling a thought, a coherent thought.

Yeah. Is that something new or you've had, you've been experiencing that sense? So, yeah, I think the first time we spoke, it's gotten better. It's gotten better.

I'm sorry, it's gotten better. But some days are tougher than others. And like right now, I feel like I'm hitting that sometimes. Yeah. Well, I appreciate you,

dude, still being willing to, you know, jump on here and do this, man. Yeah. Yeah, of course. And yeah, but that's the reality of what transplant life is like. That's the reality of the damage alcohol can do to your brain.

I really didn't think that it would have any kind of effect on my life, my brain, my body, the way it has. It's just really unfortunate, but it's also forged me into the version of the version that I am now. And I'm incredibly grateful for that. I really am. Yeah. Yeah. So kind of like moving through, you know, this area too of like the blackouts and stuff, you know, kind of after college, maybe call like early 20s or during college sort of your tail end of college. Are you thinking like anything is going on here? Like, hey, maybe I need to talk. Like you ever talk with anybody at therapists, the counselor at school? Yes. Yes. So I remember right after I graduated,

after that, there we go, that was the, that was the threat I lost was my girlfriend at the time. So, yeah, so I remember after that incident where I kind of really had to collect myself after I graduated because I had no job prospects, really. I knew I wanted to get into teaching, but I just didn't know when or how. But after I graduated, I remember I got a, I started to like advocate for myself and I started to seek help and I went to go see this therapist because my drinking was, I knew it was getting worse. And I remember going there and him just kind of like sparking the conversation of like or testing the waters of like, will, do you think you're over drinking? Do you think you're

drinking to excess? And in those moments of like uncomfortability when he was kind of where the friction was happening, which is where growth happens, I was still not willing to admit to to him just how bad it was. And with therapy, it's like, this is a really interesting point. With therapy, me, it's like you either come become two versions. The person is either waiting for the day to change them or the person changes the day. You know what I'm saying? So it's like, it's like I was waiting for the day to change me instead of like me changing my ways and changing the day. You know?

Sorry, I'm just curious. What, like when you reflect back, what made it difficult in that moment or in those moments when the door was kind of, opened up or cracked of like, are you an alcoholic or are you struggling with drinking or how bad is it? What kept you from crossing that bridge? Because that was me having to admit, you know, it's like the first step, like admitting your powerless over it, right? It's like that was me having to admit to myself to others that I can't control it. And I knew I couldn't control it. However, admitting it, saying it out loud, putting it in, you know, manifesting it into reality as a person with an alcohol, alcohol issue and saying it out loud like that was just

so insurmountable and scary and frightening that I just didn't want anything to do with it. Because that's like, it's like showing your true colors. It's showing the world like this version of you that that you are, even though doing that will set you free. And anyone listening who's struggling who's in thick of it right now, I'm telling you the second you just reach out for help and admit to yourself and others that you can't control this and you need help, that is the breakthrough. That's the moment of aha.

That's like the blessings, the grace, as I like to think of it. It's grace. It's fierce grace is what you're going through. And I'm telling you, just reach out to somewhere because what you're craving, that feeling of peace and tranquility is there. It's right there. It's tangible. You can touch it almost, but you have to admit to yourself. into others that you got a problem because no one's going to be upset with you they're going to be

thankful that you told them and people like to help people so the second that you kind of become vulnerable and admit your faults in your in your in your uh in your transgressions it's that's those those are the moments of connection those are the moments that will get you to the next step of what you at whatever you're struggling with yeah 100 but I hear a lot of people too and I'm not sure if this is relatable to you, but like admitting that means they're weak, you know, air quotes, that they're weak that, that, you know, why can't I control? Like, I think we play this scenario in our heads maybe at times, right? We look at the people around us and say, oh, they're able to control it. Like, I don't want to be that guy or I don't want to be that girl that, you know,

is so weak and just can't figure this out. Like, I've got to be able to figure it out. Plus, maybe the life up into this point. I mean, the identity piece for you, specific, specifically is like I'm this drinking guy, right? This is kind of how I'm masking with everything and dealing with everything and fitting in and friends and all of that could change too if it's like I'm not drinking anymore and I'm not partying anymore. Yes. Yeah.

You nailed it. Absolutely. It was like if I admit this and I say it out loud and I say all that scary stuff, then the version of me who's the party guy goes away. The version of me who's the, you know, loose-lipped, fun making funny jokes with my boys like that all goes away like i didn't think that i could have any fun without alcohol like i really thought it was impossible those the first like a couple months of myself right i remember thinking this is like anadonia which is like the part of your brain that gets kind of shut off and like you know

it's like you can't get any you don't get high you don't get low you just kind of like existing it's just so boring because you're used to that thrill the chaos the don't mean rush but the you know that's that's all a facade like fun is fun is fun and we get so built up with the chemicals and dependent upon them that we lose track of of what life is like with being sober and just being existing the way that God was you know intended it to be so I really was convinced I convinced myself that fun could never happen without alcohol and because of that strong belief system in it in this like in this idea I was never willing to kind of give it up because I never thought that I would have like smile again. I never thought

I would have like a genuine laugh. Isn't that crazy? I mean, yeah, I think looking back now, we can both say, yeah, I mean, that's so far from the truth. But there are so many people that share this exact same story. Like their joy, they don't feel any joy unless they're drinking. Like they can be at the most beautiful place on vacation or whatever with their family. They're looking for the bar. Like, where's the bar at? Because I, the, the, the, the fun is on the other side of the drink other than enjoying the moment. It takes that away from us to be able to enjoy, you know, those small moments. And I mean, that's one of the beauties of sobriety, though, is you can, you know, find joy in the small things.

But it doesn't happen overnight. And you mentioned, too, like the fun, like, I hear this so much, man. It's like all this stuff you shared. You know, I think if you look back, I think we'll be on the same page here for not. Let me know. shit man how much fun were you having blacking out getting the DUI and all the other stuff i think yeah like what you said is i track with that that like we believe that we're having fun but i think when we look back it was like man the fun might have been gone at 16 yeah and and what's crazy with with alcohol for me

what it did was it convinced me that that that this was true over and over and like it reiterated this idea, this belief in myself, like, no, you can't do it without it. You can't have fun. You can't have connection. You can't have, you know, genuine laughs. Like, I really was convinced that I couldn't have a good time without it ever. And I would be doing that. I was that person. You're talking about, like, on a beautiful honeymoon or a vacation with your loved one. And all I'm doing is scanning the room looking for exits, maybe places I can go hide and pound a drink without my, without my fiance at the time when he got really bad. She was always like, why you always trying to like, why you was trying to run away? Like, why you was trying to go get the next drink? And honestly,

I didn't really have an answer other than I don't think I'll enjoy your company. I don't know what it was, even though I loved her to death. So it didn't make any sense. It was completely skewing my reality to the point where I was convinced that being sober was boring, nobody or and lame. and you can't have a genuinely good time with without substance in your system. I was so convinced. And I think that that is so common, man. I think that that is one of the things that people fear when I give up drinking, what is my life going to look like?

Because this life, even though it's miserable, it's comfortable. We know what to expect day in and day out, even though you look back and say, oh, man, I mean, this was just madness, but you knew how it was going to go. And alcohol is a depressing, too. So it was hammering away at, like, my brain in making me feel low and low and lower. And then I would get the high every time I drank and everything. But then I would go right back into that pit of despair over and over and rinse and repeat.

And then be like, why is my life getting better? Why can't I figure this out? Well, why, why? When the answer was staring right in front of me, it was just admitting. This is an issue. And I need some in to just voice it into the world and hope that, not even hope, just voice it. That's all I had to do is just reach out to one person. It could have been a stranger.

It didn't have to be like a loved one or a friend or anything. It was, it just needed to say it out loud. And I just couldn't because I was, because if I said it out loud, I have to admit to myself, then I am that version. And, and honestly, it was like a form of self-torture in a way. I felt like I deserved to be that version because I didn't like who I was underneath everything. I just didn't like who I was. So alcohol was the best drug ever because it would make all those feelings just go away.

You know, every time I would feel less than not worth it, not worthy of love, not worthy of friendship, not worthy of anything good. Alcohol would come in and just kind of make sure of that. Yeah. Yeah, and that keeps the whole loop and cycle going. Where, like in your story, too, do you feel like there's a point in time where things took a turn? For the worst, yeah. Like, yeah.

So in 2018, when I knew things were not going to go well, because when I met my wife, I was silver. It was cool. We met on Tinder and I went to go meet around like a blind date and we just hit it off like instantly. We, I fell in love with there. And it almost was like I didn't feel worthy of her love because she didn't know the version of me that I wasn't willing to show her yet. However, that would, you know, slowly rear its ugly head through like weird scenarios of like a wedding where I get too blacked out or she would come over and visit and all of a sudden I'd be like shit faced already. and she'd be like, what is happening? Well, like, what is going on?

Then I'd be like sober on another day. And she'd be like, okay, no, he's awesome and friendly and awesome. And then I'd go right back into it. So it was just like this chaos loop because I didn't feel worthy of her love. I didn't feel worthy of anyone's love. Hence, like, all the alcohol that was pouring down my throat because I was trying to self-medicate an issue of insecurity, not feeling worthy, and just a low life. I just did not feel like I had anything to give the world.

I feel like I had nothing to offer. Yeah. What are you doing for work after college? Like, did you end up getting into teaching? Yeah. So, yeah. So like after college, I went right. I, it didn't get my teaching job right away.

I had to substitute teach, which is a miserable, miserable existence in a substitute taught at my old high school dude. So I was seeing all my old teachers. And actually had it kind of honed in those first couple of years. I wasn't drinking too much. Like on the weekends and stuff, I was kind of blacking out and everything. Like, so I guess I was. was. Yes, I was. But like during the weekdays, never touching alcohol. Not really. But yeah,

it just kind of progressively got worse and worse. But the, but back to the, what was the turning point question that you asked? That was back in 2018 when I was drinking on my, this is higher to admit, because I've never said it out loud, but I was drinking on my wedding day. And I think a lot of that had to do with, like before we even did, like, It's hard for me to say this. I was drinking on my wedding day. I'll admit it. I was drinking on before I got married.

And like before our vows and stuff. And it's unforgivable because that's a moment that's precious. And that's a moment that is real and honest and should be completely present for. You shouldn't be under the influence of anything because that love is sacred. And that's something that I should not have taken for. granted, but the reason why I was doing that was because I didn't feel worthy of the love. And I feel like a lot of people can kind of, that can land true with a lot of people out there listening right now is they don't, they might not feel worthy of that, of the love, but you are,

like you are. Everyone has something to offer the world. Everyone has talent. Everyone has something that. And the second that we forget that, that's where alcohol and drugs really love to live. Yeah. Well, thanks for sharing that too. So that was in 2018.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, were you drinking it this time, too? Like, was it beer before? And did you get into vodka drinking? I wasn't drinking vodka yet. I was drinking Canadian club, which is gross. It's the, uh, it's like the drink that Don Draper used to drink like in the Madman. So I was obsessed with that show. I know it's so lame. But it's true of it. Like I was obsessed with that show and I wanted to be him pretty much like this guy who was like an adulterist like alcoholic. I'm like, oh, that guy's cool. Like he's an interesting character or whatever. But that was just a facade. Interesting, though, too, because you're picking up on it and maybe this, maybe you were aware of this at the time of struggling to accept love, to feel love, feeling unworthy. Like, were you aware of it as you're going through it, though, of like, I'm drinking because

of X or it's like I'm drinking because I'm uncomfortable, but I'm not really sure about what's underneath that or did you know? That's a great question, man. And I think that there's like two answers to it. yes and no because during those moments of like like the thing I just admitted which is super I can't believe I said it but it's true man I'd be lying if I said anything else and that's a disservice to everyone out there watching listening right but yeah it's two things that are true there so yes in those moments of do you remember when you were drinking yeah but I remember I would be at bars or I would just

catch my reflection like walking past like a mirror or just like a weird window panel that would like just kind of give me my reflection back. And I would like always look away because I was just, that's, you know, that's how I felt all the time. And I knew that if I were to look back at myself in a mirror, then I would have to kind of,

you know, face my fear of looking at myself, you know, with alcohol in my system and being like, wow, you were so lost, Will. And that's what it was.

It was like, well, if you have to look at yourself in the reflection, like, this is you, man, like you're lost. You're a lost soul.

I felt like a, like a wandering lost, soul. There's no direction, no, no direction because I just didn't, I wasn't willing to admit anything, anything wrong with me, you know, put up that brave face, like the tough guy mentality, the East, you know, the Boston guy mentality of like, I got this all, I got this shit, dude, I got it. Don't worry, dude, I got it.

Like, you know, I'll figure it out tomorrow, I'll figure it out. I'll get this rained in tomorrow. But the tomorrow never comes, man. And like, what better time than now? Like, why wait for tomorrow? Just do it now, you know? But that's not what we do. We give us, like, as humans, we kind of like bargain.

You know, I'll have two bears. I'll have three bears. Why would you only have two or three beers? Like, that's not even fun. That's torture. So just if it's an issue, if it's causing any kind of negative negativity in your life, man, like, why would you continue to do it? But that's what alcohol does. It tricks us.

It tricks you into, yes, like, you deserve this. This is what you deserve. You're a loser. You can't enjoy a normal conversation. And I was doing so much wrong that I didn't think that right was even a possibility. Yeah. But, yeah, I mean, you still, yeah, when, you know, met your girlfriend, fiance, wife, got married. Like, it's interesting, too.

How do you kind of keep that track flowing? Is it just really plugging into two different lives? Like, you're one person over here and another person over there. And then, you know, with time, she probably. as you guys get closer starts to see sort of the way you're living. And just on the other thought, too, is that when we rely on the alcohol for everything, like we don't ever push ourselves as humans to learn those skills. So it's like it's difficult because I think in my drinking days, like,

I was everybody's best friend and I didn't have any problem going in here, going in there, or parties or whatever it was. It was like, we just drank. So I never really had to get uncomfortable. but I also look back and say, well, then I never was able to really push myself to develop those skills because alcohol was always a trusty friend or whatever I could count on. And then when I got sober, it was like, okay, I'm a little bit awkward and I'm really uncomfortable dealing with people sometimes.

Yeah, man. And it's a very convenient excuse for failing. So like giving yourself like that kind of like that rope, as they say, or like, oh, like why I didn't, I passed that. I was trying to become a teacher. And to become a teacher in Massachusetts, it's really hard to pass this specific test. It's called the MTEL.

So you had to take a multiple, multiple tests. But the last one was this history one. It was so difficult. And I kept failing it. And I would be like, oh, well, like, you know, guess I guess I'm not smart enough.

When I knew that wasn't true, I knew it wasn't true because I already passed the two tests prior to that. And I knew I had the intellectual capabilities to, to handle something like a test. So every time. I would not pass, I would get mad at myself. Why can't you pass? What's wrong with you? You're a loser. Drink. You're a loser. Drink. Reinforce this idea. Reinforce this narrative of me being a loser. And alcohol loves that because it's like, oh, here we go again. Like, here he goes. He's got all this

ambition. L loser. What are you talking about? Drink. Drink. Drink. And then it keeps you stuck. And another interesting thing that I've kind of found in like sobriety now three years sober is like the cognitive level that you kind of start your alcohol or drugs at, like your emotional maturity, your intellectual maturity, all these things, you kind of like stop at that that age or that that time where it got really bad like cognitively, like your emotional development, everything kind of get stuck there. And when you get sober, you almost like revert back to that age, which is wild to me. I do. I felt like that. Like, I felt like 22 when I got sober because that's where I was, because there was no growth. There was no evolution to me. There was no Will Gordon evolution. It was just a standstill. That was just stuck in the mud. And it was a very convenient, awesome excuse alcohol. Because if I'm a drunk, how am I supposed to, well, I'm a drunk, you know, I'm a drunk, sorry. Like, I can't do it. I guess, I guess this is it. I guess, I guess this is all I

deserve because if I was sober, I could pass. But then if I was sober, then I would have to pass. Right. There's no excuse anymore. And that excuse is a really convenient thing that we use, unfortunately. And people who are listening right now, I'm sure, like, oh, God, oh, no, that's me. He just, he just called me out. And that's true because I was that person. So I know there's a lot more of us out there. Yeah. It's almost like getting to that spot of accepting, which is such a tough spot to be accepting this is your life. No matter what you do, that this is your life, that you're drinking, this is it. It's like you can't get out of it.

Like, there's no, it's impossible. It doesn't feel like you could ever change things. What do things look like for you? Like, what's the routine for Will when you're drinking? Like, is it, does it get to a spot of every day or no? Yes. Yes. So from the ages of like 22 to,

30, it just progressively got worse. And then when I met my wife in 2016, we dated for two years. And then we got married in 2018. And then 2020 happened. So COVID. Bang. What did COVID do for me as a teacher? Get me at home. Kept me by myself. Ket me with all the alcohol that I wanted to. And I didn't have to, you know, I could start earlier and earlier and earlier. And I remember one time my boss at the time, because I knew that I could drink. This is during COVID. Like I was teaching. And I remember I thinking like, oh, I can drink right after my last class, like, which

was at like 1.30. And but I was supposed to be on, you know, available until 2.30. And one time I remember I got like really, really drunk on like a Thursday afternoon during COVID. And this is when we're working remotely, obviously. And my boss like calling me. and I remember picking up the phone and being like, hello,

like not knowing that like I was so drunk, like not like realizing like, oh, don't don't talk. And it's not even too 30 yet. And that was like the like the moment of clarity. You know what I mean? Like the moment of clarity in that moment of like holy shit. Well, like you have no control over this right now.

Like you just picked up a phone call from your principal. And you didn't have to like you didn't have to do that. Like it's almost like you wanted to be. caught. And nothing ever came out of that. Like, I didn't get fired for, for drinking or anything like that. But like, she had, you know, she, she was like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah. Like, but like it caught me off guard so much. But, but I didn't get rehired at that job. Hmm. Coincidentally. So there's, you know, there's a lot of shame and guilt built into that. Um, which, you know, unfortunate. But it's also very fortunate because now it's, you know, it, it molded me to the version I am now.

but you don't like you don't have to go through what I went through to have to like see the light you don't have to have two transplants have your stomach explode have to get an emergency iliostomy surgery a 4% chance of survival throughout the night it was so unbelievably incredibly traumatic and i still have PTSD from the whole situation but the amount of clarity that i have now it's it's It's incomprehensible, man. It's just incomprehensible, just how unbelievable my story is. I think about it and then I forget about it and then I think about it again and then I forget about it. But that's why I always wear my little green bracelet that I got on here because it forces me to never forget about it just how far I've come.

And I'm fucking proud of myself, dude, because that was so much work to get to where I am. And it is a daily grind. I still got to show up every single day. man and be that version that I know I need to be, which is a sober person, you know, if I don't have my sobriety, if that's not the most, if that, if that isn't like the, at the up, like the forefront of who I am my personality, I don't have that. Then I can't have my marriage. Then I can't, you know, have the possibility of having children or I can't have like a job.

I can't have anything without my sobriety. So I'm ruthlessly, I'm ruthlessly selfish about my sobriety first and then everything else obviously comes second. And I don't mean that like kind of a layer. I don't mean that like, oh, it comes second because it's like less important. No, my sobriety is that important. Because if I don't have that, none of the other stuff even exists in the first place. Yeah. I lose it all. Well, even probably like being alive. Yeah. I mean, drinking again for everything you've been through and, you know, how things, how things were. It's the first time. Fifty-five minutes we're tracking here at the time. And I think

it's the first time I just picked up you you use the S word. Shit. Shame. Shame. How much of your life was run by by that? All of it. All of it. I was running on shame. Like if my car was a, you know, if my body was like, you know, if my car was an engine, like the fuel was the gasoline was shame, shaming guilt. Every day, that's, that's why I couldn't like get on with my life was because I had so much of it entrenched within my soul. It was like burying me that I didn't know how to to break out of it. And breaking out of it, it's just like I said earlier, admitting it, doing therapy, doing all that shadow work stuff that you hear so often of when you get sober and you're in recovery. And there's a difference between sobriety and recovery, right? But recovery is such a better word because that's what it is. You're recovering. And then it's just maintenance. right but it's like that recovering idea are so vitally crucial that it's like we forget all the time forget all that time but it's it's it's right there it's so important yeah yeah thanks for sharing that

too because i i feel for a lot of people too that's what keeps their their car or their truck or their van fueled up is shame it's like how can i step outside of this how could i share with other people how could i let anybody in nobody's going to understand um terminally you unique, right? Like nobody's been through what I've been through. Nobody's experienced what I have so nobody will understand. But like I feel like we keep coming back to here, sort of that first step for a lot of people is just share with somebody what you're going through and share with somebody who's been through it and they're going to nod their head and be right there with you. You know, like it's not like, you know, we've all done things that, you know, we're not proud of

at the end of the day. You know, if we could go back and we're We had a time machine. Maybe we would go back and change course, but then we don't end up where we've ended up. So if we found peace and, you know, enjoy where we're at, you know, you go and take a left at one road instead of a right, the rest of your life after that moment could look completely different. So I don't know if that's always a solution, but to come to peace and get surrounded by other people that have been through it. You had mentioned, too, I think last time we connected, did you know you were having problems? physically for a long time. A couple of the people I had on the show,

I can't remember exactly. But they mentioned they started like throwing up a lot. What were sort of early symptoms for you and like when was it? Yeah. So when things got, you know, so 2020's when it really got bad, right?

So I was drinking at work. I was drinking at home. It was so bad that my wife was catching. Now she was just catching me all the time. She was like I would, and I was becoming really sneaky. And I was becoming really sneaky. So I would take all this vodka every single three days, buy the biggest bottle, 1.75

mil liter, take it and strategically put it in bottles everywhere. And then I would hide it under my hamper in cereal boxes because I knew my wife wouldn't eat cereal. She didn't eat cereal behind the toilet in my golf bag, hockey bag, underneath the in the bathrooms, like everywhere. And she would find these spots over and over in the fights, Brad. Oh, the fights, man. it's just chaos all the time and I just felt and I was doing this to the person I love the most because I didn't feel again deserving of her love but that's not an excuse to keep treating someone poorly and she had no I mean like I can't believe she stuck around I just can't believe she stuck around

that's she's my guardian angel man like she saved my life man she's just the most precious thing in my life and she saved me and she was patient she stayed I cannot believe she did that but you know, life has a really wonderful way of giving us a blessing even when we don't deserve it. And that's what I felt with her. I felt like she, I didn't deserve her love yet she gave it anyways. And it's just amazing that she's still with me. But now it's because, you know, every day that I show up for myself as a person in true recovery is a day that I get to share with her. And she's just so proud of who I am now.

It's just amazing. I mean, is it perfect? Is life like an absolute joy every single day? No, it's still really stressful and really hard, but guess what? I get to work through it the right way with the right processes and the right mentality and the right everything because I wasn't able to do those things prior. I just wasn't mature enough, smart enough, willing enough, had that willpower. None of it. I didn't have any of it, man, because I just, it was, alcohol just ruined me.

It just let me stay that version of myself that I felt like I deserved. Yeah. So you guys sort of had an agreement, whether it was a verbal one or not. It was like you're not, you know, shouldn't be drinking during the day. And you maybe had committed to like, yeah, I'm not drinking. And then that switched over to like sort of hiding it. Yeah. And then I would, I would have her drive me to AA meetings and things like that. Just like prove to her. Like look at how good of a person I am. Look at this version that I'm trying to become, which is, there was truth there. Because I really was trying to be a sober version on myself. But I. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't like do it, man. And the fact that like I couldn't, I was getting, you know, I was a dry drunk. So I would go to AA meetings and I would sit there and I listen to these people and how inspiring they were. And, you know, and I'd be like, man, like, I'm not that strong. Like I can't do that. Like, that's not how I could, you know, I can't envision my life with peace and just being able to read a book at night and have a pleasant conversation with my wife. Like I didn't think any of those things like were possible to do. without alcohol, but like it just, I just couldn't imagine a life without it. And that was scary to imagine a life without alcohol. So, so from 2020, all the way up until 2023, back to your question about like the physical symptom signs, like the warning signs. Yes. So like fatigue, crazy fatigue. I just noticed like I was like falling asleep like during when I was teaching.

I would like like 10 a.m. would come and I'd be like, oh my God, I'm so tired. Then I remember. my skin getting like yellow. Like I would get like weird like rashes and I would bump into things that I was drinking so often. I would like hit myself. I would hit tables. I would have like cuts all over myself bruises all the time. Like what the hell all these bruises for?

I'm not eating enough bananas. Like what's going out of here? No, plenty of bananas. Like potassium was there. But all the alcohol was just damaging my liver over and over and over again. So it just got worse and worse and worse. So yeah, like the paper skin. yellow eyes like my my eyes started to get like tinted you know yellow and then I would kind of cool it for

a little bit like maybe take a day or three off or something and then it would kind of like get a little better but then I would go to like I remember my aunt calling me out on Easter 2020 or it was one on the holiday I believe it was Easter though but she said like like William your eyes are like are like are you okay and then she went to like say something to my mother and like everyone was in such denial just like how I was. Everyone was in such denial that I will could be that version. You know, I was struggling like that. No one could believe it if that makes sense. Because I was really respectful. I was like a super nice. I still am like that version. Will is still was there, but it was a drunk version. But like my aunt. So yeah, back to that. My aunt was she,

she said that to my mother. She's like, is well okay? Because like I gained. I was like, Brad, I was two hundred and forty nine, 50 pounds. I was 250 pounds. I was 250. pounds man. I'm 1.73 right now. And this is like the weight like I should be right now. So to be that heavy because that's how much I just gave up on myself. I just, this is like, this is what I deserve. I'm, I'm, I'm overweight. I'll probably lose my marriage. I'll probably lose my job. Like all the, you know, I just kept like saying these things like knowing like, oh my God, this is going to happen. I'll probably lose this. I'll probably have no money. Like in I had all like all those things. I made those things real because that's what I felt like I deserve back to that. It's like I just felt like I

deserve to be a loser because that's all I could remove vision. Yeah. And that was in 22. Like are you searching anything to get any answers for this? Like if you notice your eyes are yellow or am I having this bruising or the paper thin skin that like you get cut and if this seems like I had a buddy of mine and he had reached a tool bag one time, an older, an older fella. And he had the paper thin skin, big time drinker. And I mean, I thought he was going to bleed out like right there from this little paper cut um so are you like researching anything like what's going on here or you're just cruising no dude i was researching i like this is like crazy like i knew exactly what was happening to me um and yes so i remember buying a big thing of liver

cleanse like this is like 2020 2023 like when it got like crazy crazy bad like where i was drinking like 1.75 mil liters of straight vodka every two days. crazy amount like unsustainable but yeah i was researching like how can i like cure hangovers faster how can i make this you know uh get the toxins out of my liver when my liver doesn't want to like crazy google searches man doing everything besides admitting i had an issue like everything everything besides actually addressing addressing the issue at hand which is stop drinking will you can't do this. This is not good for you. Like, you know it's not good for you. Just look in the mirror and see you. Look at yourself, man. Like I would have, I avoided myself, Brad, for like three years

in the mirror. I never even, I couldn't even look at myself. That's how lost and gone I was, dude. I couldn't even stare at myself in the mirror because I was so ashamed, embarrassed, guilt, shame. That was my identity. It surrounded me. It was everything. Yeah. Anybody else mention anything too like just noticing the signs you mentioned at the party your wife obviously can see how things are going but anybody else around you are you hanging out with friends too at this point or is just kind of my friends long gone dude so like like my friend well not long yes they were long gone because my my my core friends my group my my boys they just had enough of my shit like this but this was like five years before that man that's how bad that's how bad my boozing was was I lost all

friendships because I would do sketchy things like I would I would like like charge beers on their tab I would like take you know like like like a nug of weed or something from like off thick from like that you know just sketchy shitty things that no one should be doing you know from their for their friends man like because I and that was what alcohol did too it encouraged bad behavior at least on my end like it made me like oh I can get away with this now I can like do this bad thing like yeah what am I doing man it's just like you're like Friends are irreplaceable. Like these are core connections.

Like your friends from when you were like four years old, dude, and they didn't want nothing to do with you. And you're not even willing to admit that you have an issue. Like, wake up, Will, man. Like, wake up. And what about your brothers? Yeah. So my brothers, I remember my second to oldest brother.

I remember him coming at me saying like, because I just gained so much weight and I looked horrible. And I think I remember him saying like, are you all right, man? like is everything good? And I just, I would always say you just brush it off. I just brushed it off. I acted like it just wasn't a big deal,

even though everyone could see how much of a big deal it was, like right in front of me. It was such a big deal. Like I just looked horrible. I looked like death. Like you've seen the pitches of me, man, like prior to the transplant.

Like I looked like absolute. I was dying. I mean, I was dying. So that's what I looked like. Yeah. But is it like you accepted that too? If like at that point,

you're doing the research, you sounds like anyway have an idea like you're a smart guy it's not like a lack of intelligence here but are you thinking like yeah i mean i'll like i know where this is headed but like i'm in some way okay with it if i go out this way or or not like that's a great question man it's a fantastic question yes so in 2020 when i went in for that first when i was fatig gaining weight drinking way way way more i went into the doctors and they said the doctor gave it the prognosis of alcoholic hepatitis, which is like the precursor towards cirrhosis, which so I went, I got sober for 125 days after I got that

diagnosis in 2020, but then I lost it, you know, like, because I wasn't, I wasn't maintaining. I wasn't going to A8 for the right reasons, so on and so forth. But then in 2022, and when I went in, I got my cirrhosis diagnosis, it was, there was no more running from it. And that's, when I got, I was such in like a hole that I didn't see a way out at this point. And I remember drinking before work. I was a teacher, man. I was teaching. I had this great job. Finally, I finally got like that pearl. I only got the thing I was chasing for so long, this dream job of teaching and making good money. And right when I got these good things, I blew it all up, which is like my MO. So I blew it all up. I started drinking more. But then the depressant nature,

of the alcohol took its like took its hold of me and all of a sudden I started to think like I'd rather be dead I'd rather be dead and I remember driving to work one morning and I felt this like sharp pain because I was so fat that my gut was like spilling into my seatbelt and it like cut the my it was like this sharp sharp pain in my liver and which is like people say that you can't feel pain that bullshit man I felt hell pain like this was like a crazy pain and the second that I felt that I felt that, I go, I don't want to live, man. Like, this is no way to live. And I'm just going to drink as much as I can and just go out. So that's where I was. Like mentally, that's where I was. I was drinking to kill myself. I was drinking. I was like trying to kill myself with alcohol in

2023. It was really, it's hard to revisit that. But that's where I was at, man. That's what alcohol will do to you. If you're not paying close attention, guys, it will convince you. It will convince you that you'd rather be dead. And that's what it was doing. It convinced me. And like, I am so far from that version that I can't even believe that I thought that way prior. Like, I just can't even fathom the idea of not wanting to exist. I love life so much now. There's so much to enjoy. Like, I love it. Like, I love life. And I can't believe I thought that I wasn't willing or deserving of another breath. It's so sad.

It's so sad. Yeah. Would it be safe to say you had a lot of people around you that if they knew the extent of your struggle, they would have been there to support you. But it was like crossing that bridge of letting people know that was the scary part. Yeah. It was, which is crazy because like they can see it. But unless I say it out loud, no one's going to believe you. You know, you're going to be like, no one's going to help you unless you say.

something. So yeah, they would say like, you sure? And I'd be like, yeah, I'm good. Fine. Leave me alone. Like, just fuck off. Like, that's how I felt all the time. Just go away. Leave me alone. Let me just die. Let me kill myself with this because I don't deserve to be here, which is such, so far from the truth, man. Like, I, it blows my mind just how the evil, sadistic nature of what alcohol can do to transform someone's personality, identity, soul. Yeah. Scary stuff, man. Yeah. Scary stuff. And I mean, we talked a little bit earlier, too, like kind of hinting that this isn't anywhere

you suspected, you know, at 14 just pass around a beer in the cellar that things would end up where they ended up. Because I think there's a lot of people that listen to these stories, right? If somebody who's taking this drinking thing to the spot where it was for you, and, you know, it's not going to happen everybody. I don't know the percentages, right? People are going to go through this, they'd drink. It's not going to be everybody.

But it's like you just don't know where things are going to go. Like those red flags are so obvious, I think, for both of us looking back, right, the blacking out, checking all of these boxes, right, helping us fit in, masking insecurities. And that stuff just seems to grow and grow. Like, you just don't know. I think it's really hard for people to really, I don't know, I don't think the word is relate, but really hard to understand at times. like Will, how you had this good childhood. Your parents are in your life. This is a good upbringing.

You know, you got married and now you got the job of your dreams, right? And like, what the heck? How could you be in a spot kind of behind closed doors where you want it all to be over and you're drinking yourself there? Yeah. Scary, right? How can that be? Like, how could I be that version? It makes no sense.

Like, I think, I reflect on it constantly, Brad. I'm always thinking, how could I have let myself get there? How, why, why, where, where was the disconnect, you know? Why did I feel like I didn't deserve love? Why did I feel like I, I was, why was I so insecure? Why did I, like all the, I had accomplishments. I had things in front of me that I did. That was, that was good and people would clap at.

However, could I clap at my own, myself? Was I loving to myself? Was I forgiving? Was I kind to myself? Hell no. Was I kind to others? Yep. Was I kind to myself?

No, I couldn't be further from kind to myself. I was cruel. Yeah. Yeah. Torturing. Yeah. Sort of that inner dialogue, that conversation with yourself. I remember, too, the first time we connected,

you had mentioned you went into class and one of the students. Was that my tracking properly here? Wow. Will or Mr. Gordon look yellow. There was kind of a exchange there. Yeah, Brad. That's cool. You remember that, man.

Yeah, dude. So I was teaching at the time, always. This is the only job I ever had up until what I do now. But I was teaching at the time. And one of my students, like, by no fault of his own, was not trying to be like mean-spirited whatsoever. Saw me walk into the classroom and go, Mr. Gordon, you look like a Simpsons character. Dead, dead eye right at me. What do you do in that scenario?

I had to brush it off, of course. And I laughed it off. okay which one marge homer bar make you know light of it it was like a dagger brad through my heart like i never felt so vulnerable seen you know right there right in the spot like there he is there's your teacher what a failure what are failure what are failure oh my god man it just it hurts to like say that out loud because that teaching it's it's it's such a noble profession and there's so much so much weight and gravity to it you know if you're not doing it right for the right reasons you're not showing up 100% for these kids yeah it really it really

will eat you up alive and for someone like myself who is who who who who relies upon being a good person to not be a good person was so alien to me that it hurt it hurt it did like fuck when people say words don't hurt, dude. That seven graders words hurt more than my kidney transplant, my liver transplant, my elyostomy surgery, my reversal elyostomy surgery, which was insanely painful, and that huge surgery I just had back in the fall of last year, which was my, all the hernia is because of all this being open 19 different times. Yeah, like that was, those words hurt way more than any of it. Isn't that wild?

Yeah. I mean, what about, like, was it just the truth? Was it direct? Was it that somebody else noticed? Was it? I think it was all of it. I think it was because it was coming from an innocent, adolescent who has no idea what alcohol even is.

And he's seeing, like, a good teacher. Like, I was a great teacher. I would connect with these kids on such like a, like a respectful, like, fun level and they loved that stuff of like they were seeing me at this point and they deserve better man they just deserve so much more and they could see in my eyes just how lost I was and but they had no idea they had no idea what an adult 35 year old man does with his free time you know like how the struggles of just existing in this reality that we call life they don't know those things. They don't know what coping is. They don't know what they don't know any of that.

But, but for some reason, the innocence of the, the, the words, they just hit a chord in me that resonated on a level that is indescribable. Yeah. Yeah, man. Well, thanks for sharing that, too. Where do things go for you? Like, what seems like we're kind of around the 23 area. Like, what sort of prompts you into the hospital? Is there an event or just like things continuously get worse, right? If you're still drinking, things aren't going to improve. Right. And at this point, Brad, like I was saying, I was actively in like, try to kill myself mode.

So by the time that my wife, God bless her soul, was just like, well, you have to go. And he said, okay, okay. So we went into the hospital. I didn't leave. I didn't leave for three months. It's 2022 into 2020. And then Easter 2020. Yeah, Easter 2020.

I'm so sick. They let me out of the hospital to go home. I was surrounded by family. This is how sick I was. I threw up all over the floor because I couldn't like hold anything down. I looked like emancipated, but also like so fat and swollen. My legs were like this big. Like, man, my, like, my weight was just out of control.

I couldn't even, like, I was on dialysis. Like, it was crazy, man. Like, all my kidneys were shutting down. Everything was shutting down. I was, I was turning off, man. Like, the light in Will Gordon's eyes was turning off. It was no more. So basically, everyone was kind of like hovering around being like,

is the last time I'm going to see my nephew, my cousin? Like, it was so sad, man. And then I went back to the hospital. And then because I was four months, sober, not six, which was at that time, that place in time, that, which is that rule is gone, by the way now. But you had to be six months sober to get transplanted, which I was not. So I was only four. So at that point, I'm at the hospital and the doctor took a look at me and we're like, we don't know what to do with you because you got to be six months, but you only have like three,

four weeks left of your life. And I was like, what do you mean? Like, what are I? What? What? And And that, in that, that, there's something that crazy that happens to us, humans, when, when we're told that we have limited time left on this earth. And that moment of clarity when she said that we can't do anything, all of a sudden sparked, no, like, I'm going to live. No. Like, I want to live. I want to experience another day.

I want to kiss my wife, hug my wife again. I want to have children one day. I want to do all these things that never accomplished and I know I'm capable of doing. However, now I can't. And the second it's not there anymore, holy hell, do you fight, man? Do we fight as humans to survive to keep going, to breathe another breath and go on for another day to do more, man? And I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that's where I was.

So the surgeon, she's like, we can't do anything for you. And I think this woman's like the devil, right? I think she's like letting me die. Little did I know. She's like pulling strings behind the scene. She like reaches out to her colleague. She helped train to become a doctor or surgeon and out in Western Massachusetts here. And they advocated for me.

And she knew that like there was a, you know, maybe they'll, you know, do like an eval on me. And sure enough, like she sends like this message, you know, one person calls another. And the next thing you know, like I get invited into EMS Memorial Worcester. Thank you. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. M. Rostr, you are the best. I love you. Dr. Nassar Gatsi. Dr. Bela. There's too many in the name. It's too many. But thank you, everyone. But, yeah, so that she makes the call. She calls to the doctor that she knows. Next thing, I know I get invited for the e-vail. And then they just start helping.

They were supportive. They were hopeful. They were, like, willing to, to, like, let me speak. And I told them everything. I told them everything. It was the first time I was like, okay. Like, and I just, I literally said everything I did, how much I was drinking exactly, the person I am, like everything that I had in, you know, in my heart, I just finally just opened up like a book and just told them everything. And because of it, because of the advocation of myself, like, because I was doing that and because like I really, really genuinely wanted to to keep going. And I was, you know, I was relatively young, right? 35 is not old. And I was because of that. They saw right through, they saw the authenticity.

They saw all these things. They saw the support I had. They saw how much work and the resiliency that, you know, it was underneath me. And they were willing to help. And because of their caring, compassionate nature, here I am. Here I am. Can't believe it, Ben. On this 1,200 days sober, like with your 300th episode, man, like unbelievable. What universe is always on time. bro yeah wow man so you had that support too your family showed up your wife showed up you showed up oh man so much more dude to to uncover man i'm going to pitch an idea to you man should we do a part two for this well there it is another episode here on the podcast number 300 huge shout out to will 1,200 days sober and as i hinted there towards the end of the episode or right at the end of the

episode. I'm going to reconnect with Will. I'm interested in the story from that point forward, and we just didn't have enough time during this recording session that we had. So stay tuned for that. Subscribe to the channel, wherever you listen, Spotify, Apple, YouTube, and I'll see you on the next one.