Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - From Alcohol Brand Ambassador to Sobriety - Thomas's story

Episode Date: June 7, 2024

In this episode of the show, we have Thomas, who shares his inspiring journey toward sobriety. Thomas discusses his childhood and his teenage years filled with minor troubles. He recounts how his drinking habits escalated during his bartending career and later as a brand ambassador for alcohol companies. Thomas speaks about the moment he realized he needed help, spurred by personal and professional crises during the pandemic. His story underscores the importance of community, seeking help, and the transformative power of sobriety. This is Thomas’s story on the Sober Motivation podcast. Check out SoberLink: https://www.soberlink.com/recover Free 30 day Trial to the SoberBuddy App: https://community.yoursoberbuddy.com/plans/368200?bundle_token=8d76ca38d63813200c6c1f46cb3bdbed&utm_source=manual   00:00 Introduction to Season Three 00:14 Meet Thomas: Early Life and Childhood 03:09 Teenage Years and School Experiences 07:51 First Jobs and Discovering Bartending 09:49 Alcohol and Bar Culture 18:52 COVID-19 and Escalation of Drinking 26:33 Struggles with Sobriety Attempts 27:23 Seeking Help and Support 28:09 Facing Social Situations Sober 29:13 Conversations with Family 30:34 The Turning Point 32:42 Importance of Self-Motivation 36:22 The Day of Sobriety 40:51 Processing Emotions Sober 45:15 Life After Sobriety 47:33 Career Transition 50:17 Advice for Others in the Industry 52:31 Conclusion and Gratitude

Welcome to Season 3 of the Subur Motivation podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guest and I share incredible, inspiring, and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode of the podcast, we have Thomas, who shares his inspiring journey towards sobriety. Thomas discusses his childhood and his teenage years filled with minor troubles.

He recounts how his drinking habits escalated during his bartending career and later as a brand ambassador for alcohol companies. Thomas speaks about the moment he realized he needed help. His story underscores the importance of community seeking help in the transformative power of sobriety. And this is Thomas's story on the Sobermotivation podcast. It was vital in keeping me accountable. It doesn't interrupt my life. It only enhances my life. People in my program swore by it. These are just a few quotes from Soberlink users. Soberlink is not just any breathalizer. It's the breathalyzer designed specifically for those in recovery from alcohol addiction. How it works is simple. You'll test at the same time every day, two to three times a day. It has a built-in camera

that will take a photo during your test so it knows it's you testing. Tamper sensors will flag any attempts to cheat and instant easy-to-read results are sent directly to your loved ones because it's not just about proving you're sober. It's about sharing your success, establishing patterns of trust and dispelling doubts with hard evidence. Soberlink, proof of sobriety at your fingertips. Visit soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device today. Welcome back to another episode of the podcast, everybody. Thank you for hanging out.

With over 150 episodes now out there, it's been an incredible journey. And I want to give a big shout out to Sober, buddy. The meetings that we're having over there are just incredible and seem to be better by the day. A lot of new members, a lot of listeners from the podcast have joined Sober Buddy, and I would love to invite you to come and check out our virtual community with over 40 live support meetings per month, as well as the Sober Superstar course, everything you need to get started, as well as a supportive and incredible community.

I'll drop the link below in the show notes where you can get a free 30-day trial. I host three groups per week on the app myself, and I'm really, active around there supporting our members. And I would love to meet you. So check out the free trial. See if it's a hit for you. So many people are getting and staying sober because of their experience on sober buddy. Now let's get to this episode. Welcome back to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got Thomas with us. Thomas, how are you? I'm doing well. Thanks. How are you? I'm great, man. Thank you for reaching out and be willing to jump on here and share your story with all of us. No, more than happy to. Thanks for having me.

Of course, 100%. So what was it like for you growing up? I think my childhood was fairly normal. I think that a lot of people who struggle with addictions have these, you know, absolutely horrendous childhoods and that a lot of things stem from that. I don't think that mine was necessarily that bad at all. I grew up in Chicago. My parents got divorced when I was pretty young.

My dad stayed in Detroit. My mom came here to Chicago, Illinois. And they still saw my dad a great deal. They were still very friendly. So I didn't really have a lot of trauma or anything from that. But when I was seventh, my father died of cancer, which obviously was pretty hard. But I also think that at the age of seven, you know, it's hard to process. But then from there, we moved around a few times, all within the Chicago or Chicago land area,

bound from school to school. Pretty happy childhood. And then, you know, come my teenage years, I, you know, started getting in a little trouble here and there. Nothing huge, no real, like, jail time or anything like that. I got arrested for graffiti a few times, just childish, kind of petty kid shit. But overall, a pretty good childhood. I had a younger sister. She passed away about 11 years ago.

But it was my mom, my sister, and I for my entire childhood. Yeah, wow. Looking back and even hearing a lot of stories here on the podcast, it seems like it's maybe even close to a 50-50 split about sort of things going. Something's going all right. I mean, that must have been, and I'm just thinking about it here, really difficult for you at 7 too, for the situation with your father. I mean, do you do counseling or do you talk about anything like at that age? Is there any thing that goes on? You know, my mom did a good job. She knew a therapist, so I definitely went and chatted with her a few times, but I think that when you're seven, it's hard to fully understand your emotions and your feelings, let alone go verbalize that and speak about what you're feeling to somebody. I have a seven-year-old daughter now, and I know that, you know, she's incredibly intelligent and she has a hard time.

know, sometimes expressing herself. So they do offer therapy and counseling for that sort of thing, but I only went a few times. I think it was kind of lost on me. Yeah, I'm with you on that. I mean, I still struggle with that at times. Sure. You know, here at 36, right? Yeah. So you do that growing up and then like school and everything. How does that look for you? I mean, you're getting in some like just probably regular sounds anyway, regular kind of teenage trouble, right? That a lot of us find ourselves in. dumb teenage stuff. School was good. I was never a good student.

I wasn't a great athlete until my high school and athletic career was nearly at an end. That's when I kind of fell into myself. I always had this kind of goofy, weird body. My feet were too big or I was too tall or too chubby. It never all just kind of fit together until I was like a junior or senior. And then it just kind of ended. Not a great student, though, ever. I excelled in the classes that I really liked.

and didn't do great in the classes that I found boring or not interesting, or I just wouldn't go to them that often. So I definitely wasn't on the honor rule or even close to it. You and me both, man. I struggled with school a lot too. I mean, it was tough for me, though, because struggling with school, I mean, because it really hurt my self-confidence. It was valued.

The value of doing well in high school was really high. I mean, my family didn't really push it on me do well or else, but they loved to see me do well. And I felt like it was a really tough thing for me. I was diagnosed with ADHD too, or, you know, right before high school probably. And I had a trouble paying attention. And then I was on Adderall and then I stopped taking the Adderall and the things just blew up because the impulse control wasn't there. And I got in a ton of trouble. But that's a whole other story for another day.

I mean, I was diagnosed. I had ADHD. I was on Ritalin for a long time and I stopped taking it because I just, I hated it. Yeah. And it's so interesting. So you can, yeah, okay, cool. So you're with me on that. And yeah, my mom used to give it to me. I mean, I used to go down to the office. I don't know if you guys had that too.

You go down to the office when you're younger and they'd give you your medication if you had two in a day. And then when I hit high school, I had like maybe this extended release stuff. And I used to just take it because it was what, you know, the doctor said and in everything my parents were, you got to take this. And then I remember one day I missed it. We were rushing around and I didn't take it. And let me tell you, it was the. strangest feeling in the entire world because I felt like for once I was alive and I was feeling emotions and I was just like what happens if I kind of push the limits here and I just pretend to

take it and that was just like the start of like really serious behavioral stuff really crept into my life but I felt like really robotic on the medication and it's also so strange and makes a ton of sense looking back about how many people I've talked to on the show that have struggled with ADHD in one way or another and then become addicted or struggle with alcohol. And I think getting way far ahead of ourselves, I think what the Adderall did was slow down my thoughts. And what alcohol did as well was slow down my thoughts. And it was like maybe in a way a self-medication thing, moving forward, but getting way far ahead of ourselves. But it's always an interesting dynamic. and I'm always so curious about what role the untreated ADHD played in, you know, the further addiction,

in my story at least, where do you go after high school? What's your vision after high school? You know, like a lot of high school seniors, I didn't really have a vision. I actually didn't graduate high school. I got in some trouble at my high school towards the back half of senior year. So I was almost done. and they essentially kind of gave me an ultimatum of drop out right now or you're expelled. So I dropped out. I got my GED, went to community college for a couple years before going to a more classic four-year college here in Chicago, bounced around, moved around the bed, moved to the West Coast for a little while when I was like 19. But I didn't really have a vision.

But the entire time I was in college, I was working in restaurants as well. I was like a bus boy, a waiter. I kind of did all the different positions. And then my junior year of college, I started bartending right when I turned 21 and just kind of fell in love with it. And college took a back seat. And I just knew pretty early on into the bar career that like, this is it. I found what I want to do, what I'm good at. I'm a very outgoing, very social person.

So it all just kind of clicked for me. When you asked what I wanted to do, I had no idea at all. Yeah, well, with you too. So that's kind of your first job, right? I mean, that's probably a really common job. I'm thinking from my experience working, right, for students, it's flexible. You can work more in the evenings. You can do your, you know, go to school during the day.

And you get involved. I mean, what boxes was it? checking for you. I know when I started working in the restaurants, like I found a sense of community, a sense of belonging, and you know, meet people and you get invited to different things. It was really cool in that aspect. I mean, doing the job itself, I wouldn't say I found the passion and the fire for it like you did, but those other elements were attractive. And I know you're recording out of Canada, correct? So I don't know. Is tipping culture big in Canada? I can't recall from the last time I was there. Yeah, yeah, people leave.

Yes. Yeah. I mean, one of the biggest boxes it checked for me was just making a lot of money and making it quickly and more money than, you know, all of my friends who were in their late teens, early 20s. I'm walking away with the minimum couple hundred bucks a night. Yeah. But I think that what I really loved about the bar world and bartending is it goes back to that ADD or ADHD thing. I have a hard time. I can't sit at a desk. for nine hours or eight hours and do a job. I physically don't have the ability to do that. But what I loved about bars is over the course of a night, I have 500, 600 different people in front of me. So my entire job is a one or two minute interaction 500 times.

And it, for somebody who was concentration issues, it's an excellent job. So I just, it felt like home for me. But also, you know, I was 20. I'm getting to hang out in bars. And when you bartend, you kind of run the show. And it just, I think it stroked my ego a lot. And it just all clicked. I loved it. Yeah. And when do you start drinking? Were you drinking in high school a little bit or not up until 21? You know, I drank in high school, but it wasn't a lot. You know, I would go to a party and have a couple of beers every now and then.

or, you know, I definitely got drunk a few times in high school, but I don't think that I was by any stretch of the imagination in alcoholic in high school or drinking too much or anything. It was kind of your classic high school, you know, have maybe have a few beers, one or two weekends a month. My father was an alcoholic before he died. I never saw him drink. He was in recovery for my entire life. But it's one thing that my mom always warned me about was, you know, you got this thing in you. your dad had it. So be careful, you know, tread lightly. And I always just kind of took that to heart. So I definitely had friends who were drinking more than me, but it was never really my thing in high school. I think I started drinking more and more towards the tail end of my college career. And when I was starting to work in bars, pretty much full time at that point, it's such a huge part of bar culture is, you know, you get off work at one, two in the morning. You know, there's not a lot of places you can go. you're not going to go to a cafe and read a book and have a sandwich for dinner. You're going to go to a bar.

It's kind of all there is and you're going to go out with all of your other bar friends and people from other bars are going to come there. So it kind of becomes your entire life, your entire soulful circle is bars for so many people that I know. And there's not a lot of things to do at a bar other than drink. So I would definitely say it started ramping up from there. Yeah. So where do you go from there?

I mean, you've got your first bar. job. I mean, you're really feeling it too. It makes so much sense, I think, with the ADHD stuff, right? Because it's that stimulation. It's almost when I look back, like that chaos, I thrived in it, you know, and things got busy or you had to move and shake and people would just say, well, you know, what's going on? And you're able to remain calm and you kind of find your way there. I mean, how do you progress forward? Yeah, I mean, the, I think one of the things I really loved is the immediate gratification from bartending. You know, it's going back to the ADD thing one more time.

It just, you know, you have a small task in front of you. You do it. Somebody pays you. Your job is done. It's like thumbs up. You did it. You just do that over and over again. But my first bar job was at this little mom and pop hamburger place.

It was by no means like a cool bar or like a club or anything like that. But then I started working in more high-end restaurants downtown Chicago, pretty well-known, well-acclaimed places. And then I was running my own bar at a very large restaurant here on Michigan Avenue in Chicago by the time I was 26 and loved it. You know, the bar was getting a lot of press. I was getting written up in different magazines, newspapers, it was a lot of fun. I thought, holy shit, this is incredible, drinking a good amount.

The owner of that bar, funny story, would later become my sponsor. He'd been sober for 15 years at that point. But after working for him, I got approach to start working for alcohol brands or the suppliers. So I worked for Moe Hennessy for a few years. And my whole job is to be a brand ambassador, which is essentially going to bars, being on the other side of the bar, though, sitting with the guests and building relationships with the bar managers and bar owners and buying people drinks and really just trying to get more. bars and restaurants to carry your products, use them in cocktails or put them on a menu or just put it on the back bar. But very quickly, my entire life became, well, I can't say it became bars because my life was already bars, but it switched from working on bars to sitting at a bar.

And I was doing that, you know, five, six, eight hours a day. And then by the end of my brand ambassador career, I'd spent four years working for Bacardi. It was a great. job a lot of fun but yeah i mean i was definitely drinking heavily pretty much throughout the entire thing yeah i know we even talked about too before we jumped on here just the level of like how things are normalized you know especially with this position and then you know working in the bars and going out and those routines that we get into right like we started four o'clock or five o'clock and you work till one or two and you're sort of out of that like seven a m wake up or that eight a m wake up for maybe somebody that's going to work nine to five. And I remember, too, I was able to

sleep off a lot of the hangovers that I had because I wasn't going to have to show up until four or five. And then I do remember times where we definitely carried it too far. And even at four or five in the evening or early evening, you were still feeling from the night before. So what impacted that have on you, like just how normalized things were to drink? And if you're doing that during the day for a job, maybe the lines are getting blurred here about. what time is it okay to drink? When do I start? You know, I mean, all that stuff I'm thinking about. Oh, 100%. I think when I was working behind bars and bartending and running bars, you know, there were months at a time, you know, especially here in Chicago in the middle of the

winter when it gets dark at 4 p.m. You know, there were months that I wouldn't see daylight, I felt because I'm getting home at, you know, 4 a.m. and, you know, maybe later. Sun's not up. I'm going to bed and waking up at 4 in the afternoon. getting ready for work and it's dusk already. It's just, I mean, that was a wild time. But then I think that when I started working for these companies, working for brands, you know, I wanted to represent my companies. Well, I wouldn't really go drink at bars or restaurants or I would visit them during the day.

I probably gained, you know, we call it the brand ambassador 15 where I gained about 15 pounds in my first year because I'm going from restaurant to restaurant and just like, A little bit appetizer or something, but definitely towards the tail end of it, I, you know, every now and then I would order a drink with lunch and just have a sip and then, you know, that quickly turned into all of the whole drink and it just kind of takes over. So yeah, definitely blurs the lines of it where I found myself spending more time at bars at noon than any person should. So, and over the time, it just kind of, you know, it starts to break you.

little bit, or at least it did for me. I know a ton of people in that field who are totally fine doing it, but it became harder and harder for me. Well, yeah, I mean, and you go kind of go back to the history with, you know, what your mom brought up with your dad too, right? That there could be potentially something there for you. So when's the first time? So you're going through all this, right? You're wrapped up in the cycle, man. I'm just reflecting back to like my thing with the restaurants and the drinking every day and, you know, all that stuff, man. I don't know if I ever had one thought, like in a four year span about, well, maybe I had one or two, but it was only because I woke up in really bad shape.

But like, not many outside of that where I thought, hey, this is a problem. Or, hey, like, maybe I could do something else with my life. But I'm wondering in your story, if throughout all of this, if you ever had that, you know, internal conversation or maybe in a mirror or something with yourself. about, you know, maybe the drinkin's a problem. You know, yes and no. My mom brought it up to me a few times, especially when I was working in bars and she wouldn't see me for weeks on end.

And, you know, she would see me and I would come downstairs like from my apartment. And she'd come to pick me up looking like gaunt and clearly hungover where she would make some comments and I'd be very dismissive. another time is the gentleman who owns the bar and restaurant that I used to work at who would later sponsor me. His name's Billy. He sat me down once or twice because there are a few times where I'm at work just like on the verge of death or, you know, stories would get around about behavior that happened, you know, the night prior at the bar and he would always catch wind of it. And there were two times where he sat me down and just asked, are you an alcoholic? And being a young

20 something hot shot, you know, in my own head bartender. It's like, no, not at all. Don't even worry about it. So there are definitely times that I thought, you know, at least had the brief conversation with myself, but I was always incredibly dismissive of it, which I've found is incredibly easy for people with addiction issues to do, you know, it's the classic trope of I don't have a problem. Like, I could stop any time, you know, but looking back, I don't think I could have.

but my drinking really escalated during COVID. When COVID hit, I was going through a very hard time personally as well. My wife and I were separating. We had a young daughter. She was three at the time. And then COVID hit. And it was all in the same month. And I just felt like my life is just,

what the fuck are we doing? And that's when I started a spiral. You know, I was drinking during the day. I was drinking by myself at home. Initially, we all thought that you just kind of had to stay home for a couple of weeks. And I remember making this conscious decision with myself of like two weeks. Oh, that's mine. Like I could just be drunk for a couple weeks.

And then, you know, once all this settles out, settles down, I know, just go back to our animal lives. But then, you know, that never happened. But the drinking didn't stop either. So over the next few months, I started making some really bad decisions. I was a bad father, bad employee. I was still working for Bacardi. Bacardi, I was lucky enough that Bacardi kept me on the payroll. They got rid of a lot of their ambassadors,

but I was one of the few that they kept. So I was just getting paid. I didn't really have to work much. And it was actually my ex-wife who told me, essentially, if you want to have a relationship with your dog, like you need to stop drinking. My mom brought it up to me a few times, But it was really then that I realized like, all right, I need to sit down and look at myself in the mirror here and figure out what I'm doing because my daughter is the most important thing.

And I was at risk of losing her and rightfully so from my ex-wife's perspective. Yeah, I mean, that's a lot of stuff to kind of all come up there, right? I get it though. I get it where you're just like, yeah, I mean, it's a couple weeks, right? We didn't really know what to expect in the whole COVID time at how things we're going to play out. You're in the restaurants too, sort of in that space. So even though they're, you know, keeping you on the payroll, like you're probably not doing as much as you may be where before, right, with going to places. No, I mean, bars in Chicago shut down.

They weren't allowed to be open. And I know there were other parts of the country where they were still very active, but Chicago locked that. You were not allowed to do anything. So I was getting paid, but I had no job. Yeah. And then that interesting thought there too, right? maybe I'll just carry this on for two weeks. And I always think about that, those stories about, you know,

people who have a slip or a relapse. And it's that thought of I'll just have one. And then it carries on for five years. And I'm almost thinking of that and kind of like a reverse thing of, I'll just open up the tap here for a couple weeks and then I'll just kind of turn it off. And you know, for a lot of people, I'm sure there's a ton of people out there, Thomas, who they did that, right? They were able to do that.

Like one week into COVID, then they're like, oh, well, okay, you know, this is too much, I'll just turn a tap off. And then there's probably some people like us, right? Where it's, once it opens, we can't close it up. We can't just scale back, you know, we can't just, okay, well, I'm having this many. And then I'll just, you know, scale back. And it might work for a little bit, but it's a little bit different for everybody's situation. So was the separation with your wife?

I mean, did alcohol play a role looking back in that sort of going forward? A lot of things did, but alcohol was definitely part of it. I was drinking a lot during our marriage. There were a few times that, you know, she would get upset with me about, you know, drinking too much. And I wouldn't say it's the straw that broke the camel's back. But, I mean, it was definitely a factor, you know, but at the time, you know, we would go out and drink together. And she's one of those, you know, crazy people to an alcoholic that can, you know, have a couple drinks and stop and call it a day where I never had that ability. You know, if we go out and we're going to a bar and we spend a lot of time at bars because it wasn't my job, you know, I had a hard time stopping.

You know, it's nearly impossible. The idea of having a beer was a foreign concept to me. Yeah. So, yeah, we had some issues, definitely that, you know, stemmed from drinking. Yeah. Well, I mean, throughout all this time, too, did you ever try to cut back at all? Now, a lot of people share about attempted moderation. I'm going to scale back or I'm not going to hang out with these people or I'm going to just, I'll keep six in the. the fridge. There were a few times, but all of them were in response to a fight that we would have

where she would say you're drinking too much. Like, I'm so done with your shit. I don't know if I'm a lot of swear on here. So I apologize. I have a terrible mouth where she's saying, I'm done. And I was, all right, I'll slow down. I'll stop. And then maybe for the next three or four days, I'd only have a couple of whiskeys. And then by the end of the next week, though, just fully back at it. I mean, the real attempts at sobriety came for me when I realized I have a serious problem and I need to stop. And that's when we were a few months into COVID that, you know, I realized, oh, shit. Like, this is not good.

Yeah. And it's so interesting too, right? Because, yeah, I mean, I can relate with you too a lot. I'm at people from the outside mentioning things. But I think when I look back in my story, it was the fear of what is my life going to look like without this, this thing I'll call that I've depended on so greatly and I've built my identity around and it's such a big part of my life. What is it going to look like without it? How am I going to deal with the emotions, the feelings that are coming into my life

without this? Because for me, it was like a good day drink, a bad day drink. It didn't really matter what was going on around me. It was just that's the way it was going down. And I was so worried about what would things look like or what would people think and all this other stuff. That once I got sober, I was like, none of that stuff even matters, but it held me back. I felt like it held me back for some time. You mentioned there too, like things are spiraling during, you know, this phase. I mean, where do they end up? And then how do you, you know, eventually turn this thing around and your job there with Bacardi?

And how do things progress for you from here? You know, my job was still my job. And they basically said, you know, there's not much to do, but we're keeping you on. So my job wasn't at jeopardy first. My relationship, part of me was still trying to save it with my ex-wife. So we were spending time together and hanging out and doing the whole co-parenting thing. But I think that I was taking it hard because at the end of the night, you know, after I would help her put my daughter to bed or do whatever, you know, I'm going back to my empty now small apartment. that I have and, you know, I'm depressed about it, so I'm drinking. And it just spiraled. And it got to the

point where my ex told me that, you know, if you want to have a relationship with your daughter, you stop drinking. And my boss called me at one point because while I didn't have all the same responsibilities, I still had some. And I was completely shirking those professionally. And I would just sleep through, you know, Zoom meetings that we had or something. And she called me and just asked if I was doing okay and told me that she thinks that I need to take medical leave and just address what's ever going on. She didn't want to say alcoholism working for a liquor company. And to be clear, Bucardi was phenomenal about all of this.

Everybody knew what was going on. And they were the ones who also, I mean, they told me, go address it. You're still on the payroll, but you know, don't come back until you have your shit figured out. So I did that and I took a few stabs at sobriety, you know, true, genuine, like, good old college tries where I would dry out and I would go to a meeting or two and, you know, it's the classic tale that every addict has told or at least everyone I know, which is, you know, two weeks in, I'd call, you know, I got it out of my system. I think I could do this and then, you know, I could have a beer. And then, you know, four days later, I'm waking up from another bender and did that a few

times before I finally realized that I can't drink at all because, you know, there is no turning it off. There is no drinking in moderation. So that's when I really started to ask for help. You know, I basically moved in with my mom for a while. I had this apartment that I was paying for, but I was just never there. Couldn't trust myself enough to not go drink. I did 30 and 30 at, you know, AA meetings. I reached out to my old boss, who was a great buddy of mine to this day, saying I need help. And that's when I really kind of embraced it and realized that there is no moderation for me. There's complete abstinence or jumping off the cliff.

And I would much rather abstain. It's the only way that I'll stay alive and have a relationship with my daughter. and have a job and have relationships and friends and all of that. And, you know, it's funny when you were saying that you were concerned when you got sober about, you know, what are other people going to think? And I had those exact same fears at first. And I remember, you know, after my first few week break, you know, the first time walking into a bar because they were starting to slowly reopen, very control,

very restricted when they could be open and, you know, you had to stay a certain distance apart. And I remember being so scared to walk into a bar where I knew everybody. And, you know, by that time, it had just become common practice that whenever I'd walk into a bar, the bartender would look at me and give me the international sign of when a shop. So I walk in and the, you know, bartender looks at me. I was like, no, you know, I actually stopped drinking. And I was so nervous to say that. But I'll never forget that the bartender, who's still a good friend of mine, looked at me and went, yeah, you know, probably good. Probably for the best and I was like, oh, okay, wow. Everyone knows. All right, cool. And then

it's not going back. Yeah, that that's great. I'm wondering, too, what was your mom's reaction to this when you asked for this help and everything you're going through? Oh, I mean, incredibly supportive. She, you know, looking back, she was at the forefront of asking whether or not I had a problem for many years. So when I did finally admit that I had an issue, She, obviously, she opened her doors, told me, stay as long as you want. The nights that I did have my daughter, which were becoming more and more rare, because of my drinking and everything that I was going through, my daughter and I would just stay at her house. My daughter had a bed there. I would, you know, sleep on the fold out.

And she was incredibly supportive. And she's definitely on the list of people that I don't think I would be sober, let alone alive, probably, if it weren't for her support. Yeah. And how hard was it to have those conversations with your mom and maybe other people as well, too? I do have a problem. I feel like for me, it was really hard. I mean, there was freedom in it because I was finally like, okay, this cat's out of the bag. This is incredible. But I also felt like I struggled a little bit because now the cat's out of the bag and now I got to do something about it and people are going to hold me to a different standard. What was that experience like for you? I was concerned, but at the same time, it wasn't coming out of the blue. You know, it's not this thing that I just randomly sprung on her, you know, very much like my bar pretender friends, when I said, hey, I need to stop drinking. My mom is like, yeah, I know, you know, I've been telling you this. Like, you need to stop. So I was nervous.

It's not a conversation I wanted to have. I was embarrassed that I was living at my mom's house as a 33-year-old, you know, adult man with a job and a career and a kid, I took it harder than it needed to be taken. You know, I processed it much harder than anyone else. You know, I was the hardest on myself, is what I'm trying to say. My mom was incredibly supportive and we just had a conversation and, you know, she had the experience with my father. He was sober before they met too, but they always talked about it. You know, we like to talk about this. And so she, She had some ideas and knew that there were meetings that I should go to and people that I should call.

And, you know, she kind of coached me through a lot of it in the early days. So I was very lucky to have a supportive mother through this part and supportive friends and supportive family. And, you know, everyone in my life was very supportive. But yeah, it's not a conversation I wanted to have ever. Yeah. But I think it's so important, right? I think it's so important. And even I'm just gathering from your story and correct me if I'm wrong.

here. The other times when you were getting a week or you were getting a couple of days, it sounds like you were doing that kind of on your own. Like you're still kind of harboring this thing and you might go to a meeting or two, but it's not completely out there. Like I've surrendered. I cannot do this moderation. I cannot do this on my own. I need help. And I hear a lot of stories. It really seems to change the game for people when we're able to get out of our own way and just put it out there. And you know what? What we're so worried and scared and fearful about is just like your mom's response. I know. And the bartender buddy, you know what I mean? Everybody already knows. We're not fooling anyone. Yeah. I mean, I think that my first few stabs at it,

you know, it's the classic saying of you can't get sober for anyone else. You have to do it for you. And I think the first few times that I thought like, all right, I'm going to stop drinking. One, I didn't really fully think I had a problem. I didn't think that I needed. I didn't think that I need. to stop drinking. I thought that I needed to show people that I could not drink. So I would go do that for a couple weeks and be like, see, everything's great. And then it didn't work out, obviously. So I think it was the first time, you know, when I really sat there and realized, like, I am powerless to alcohol. And I know that's, you know, step one is admitting that you have this problem and that you cannot control it. You know, you are powerless to, to this thing, be it.

alcohol or drugs or whatever your addiction is when I, you know, really said like, all right, I can't do this. I have no control over this. It's an affliction and I need outside help. And that's when I got serious. Yeah. I love that that you brought up there that, you know, maybe at the other times it was maybe for other stuff, right? You'll hear, you know, people with kids, right? Of course. You want the best for our kids and we want to get sober for them. And they definitely play a massive role in it. And it can be a springboard. I think for some people, they want a better relationship, it could be a springboard. But I think at some point in this process, we've got to come back to what you mentioned, right? You have to do it for yourself. Why do you feel

that's like essential to this process? Because I think that until you tell yourself that the only way you're going to succeed or the only way you're going to have a family or friends or a job is to do it for yourself is finally realizing that you are powerless over this. You know, like, you have to want to do it for you because otherwise it's not going to stick. You know, if you're doing it to appease someone else or to keep a job, it's almost like you have this mental block in your head of going, I'm not an addict, but I need to demonstrate to them that I'm not an addict. I'm not an addict. But until you admit it, you know, you're, you know, it's an uphill battle. It's always an uphill battle, but it's like the steepest uphill battle until you say, no, I do have a problem.

I do have to do this for me. It's the only chance I have. And I remember talking to my buddy, my sponsor for a while. And he asked, this is after I've been sober for a little while. And he asked me, what's the most important thing in your life? I was like, my daughter. Let's see. And he goes, wrong. And it's like, all right, shit, what is it? Like my job is no, not even close. And he goes, your sobriety is the most important thing to you because without it, you lose your daughter, you lose your job, you lose your family, you lose all of it.

So the most important thing in your life has to be your sobriety. And when I realized that and realized that I was doing it for me and indirectly doing it so that I can have all these other things is when it really kind of hit me. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. And that's when I started to get it. I love that. And that's so true. Yeah,

I mean, what's the other expression? Anything we put in front of our sobriety would be the first thing we lose. Yeah, absolutely. You know, and it's making that conscious decision every day just to get another day, not drink today.

You know, that's it. For me, anyway, I try to keep things real simple. That way I have a better chance of following through with them. I don't want to complicate it too much. Okay.

Take us to the day you get sober. You know, the day that I finally got sober, I had about six months of sobriety in at this point. And then, you know, I was dating this new person. And, you know, I was unsure whether or not I should even be in a relationship. And I was just kind of going through a lot. And I decided just kind of on a whim of, you know what, let's just have a beer. I don't have my daughter for a few days. She's with her mom, you know, and just have a beer and just kind of reflect and think about things. And as it goes every time, three days have passed. I had missed meetings, this girl that, you know, I was interested in had kind of disappeared because I wasn't responding to her texts or phone calls or anything. And then what was different about that time is it was the first. first time that I came out of one of those stretches on my own, where I woke up one day and said,

like, I can't, like, I, I didn't have anyone telling me I needed to stop drinking. I didn't have anyone show up to my house and kind of drag me out of bed. I got up and, you know, I went to my mom's house and just said, I did it again and I need help. And I looked at the calendar and it was Father's Day of 2021, which I, you know, looking back, I think it was incredibly symbolic. And and never had a drink since, and it was hard. You know, starting that whole 30 meetings and 30 days thing over again, having to tell my buddies, my sober friends, like I walked up again. It was really hard, but it stuck.

I'm also thrilled to say that girl that I was kind of worried about, we're still together, just bought a house together, and are planning to get married. You know, it really does get better. It gets so much better. but the day that I got sober was, you know, obviously it's the most important day of my life. You know, it's up there with the day that my daughter was born because that's when it all kind of started over for me. Yeah.

Wow, that's beautiful. I mean, was that emotional in any way? I mean, you're coming out of this three-day bender in a sense there. And then it's Lance on Father's Day and the importance of all of that. You know, I don't think I was that emotional about it. at the time. But I think looking back on it, you know, this symbolism of it all has really hit me a few times. And, you know, we're recording this on May 30th, I think it is. So Father's Day is in a couple of weeks. And I don't even know what the actual date was of Father's Day in 2021. I just

know that my Silver Day is Father's Day. And I think that's really cool because I'm a father. And I wouldn't be if it weren't for my sobriety. And yeah, so it definitely has a bit of an emotional impact on me for sure. That's beautiful, man. What's been helpful for you, you know, over the last, what, three years, right? And I'm also curious, too, because a lot of stuff happens throughout the journey, right, throughout the part of the addiction and while that's living on. And I'm always so curious to see, we never want to bring pain into our life.

We never want to experience loss and go through all that stuff. You know, I don't think so anyway. But part of me and my story thinks I had to go through some stuff to get through some stuff. You know, I don't know if I would have ended up here where I am. I don't think without some sort of consequences, without some sort of the world kind of picking me up, just grab my shirt and just shaking me a little bit. And I would love to hear sort of your thoughts if everything that kind of led you up to hear was maybe preparing you for this decision. And then what's been helpful for you moving

forward? Well, I don't think there are a lot of people sitting there going, wow, everything's going really great. I should stop drinking or I should stop using drugs. You know, I think it's when you kind of bottom out of it that you have this moment, you have an option to either address it or not. So I think that every addict, every alcoholic, you've gone through some shit. You've gone through some hard times. And that's what brings you to this decision that you have to make. But I think that, you know, one of the things that I've had to really learn how to do is process hard things. And, you know, for many years, you know, I'm sure you can relate to this.

You had a bad day. You would just go drink and, you know, kind of numb yourself and turn it off. And now that I'm sober, when I have a bad day, I have to like sit there and process these emotions and these feelings. And at first, I hated it more than anything, like the stress, the anxiety, all these negative thoughts that you have. You know, it's terrible when you're going through it for essentially the first time as an adult. But then what I learned is that by going through it, by feeling these things, by having the stress, by having the stress, by having the anxiety by feeling these negative thoughts and feelings is that you can then address it. You know, you can come up with a game plan.

You can strategize, what do I need to do to get out of this? Where when I was drinking, I never had that train of thought. It was just tried to drink until it either goes away or something worse happens that trumps it. You know, I love the fact that now I have to sit there and process and feel things because otherwise I'm not going to get through it. You have to feel the hurt and feel the pain before you address it, if that makes sense. Yeah, 110%.

Yeah, I'm with you. I mean, I didn't have any resilience skills at all to work through difficult situations, how to process feelings or how to problem solve. I look back to, right? And there's a quote, too, in 12-step fellowship, you probably know what better than I do, but about like previous things baffling us and it won't anymore. Sure. I know like just being extremely overwhelmed with how things were.

Like I just remember the smallest things would just send me in a spiral where I just could not see a way out of. And now stuff happens. And I'm just like in the big picture of life, a lot of things don't hit heavy like they would have before. I'm able to learn those skills, right? Resilience working through stuff, learning, paying attention to it. instead of like with you. I mean, I'm just numbed out

to the fact of everything, right? When the drink just becomes the reach, the solution, then we don't need to push to develop anymore. And then when we get sober,

it's something with you too, man. It's okay, what do I do here? What do I do in this social situations? Things are awkward. Things are weird. I don't know what to say,

what to do. But the more we do it, the more comfortable it becomes. And then it's like now in my life, it's just a way of life. You know, where drinking and drug use for me, were a way of life before and it was just regular and it was just normalized and it's just what I did.

Now it's sobriety is the way of life and I know any other way of life in a sense. Yeah. You know, I think that, you know, you and I are very fortunate because, you know, it sounds like you and I are in the same boat where it's not even really something that I think about anymore. It's not something that I miss anymore. There are definitely times. there are some drinking experiences that I miss, you know, for some reason, airports. I miss being able to have an airport beer.

You know, it's things like that. But I don't sit here and just wish, man, I wish I could drink, you know, those days are behind me because sobriety is, you know, the only way of life that I know at this point. And I think that's a great thing. I think that, you know, people who are still sitting there and just thinking about it all the time and craving booze and, you know, just wanting it so badly and having it be such a occupying part of their thought process, that's when it gets dangerous, I feel. And I feel like that's where I was in the very early stages of this whole process. So, yeah, I'm going to make

it two weeks, but I'm going to be thinking about drinking about drinking that entire time. And I've just accepted that this is my life now. I just don't drink. It's the only thing I know at this point. Yeah. And then it, you know, it's, I like that too because I got a sense that you like to keep it simple like I do. I just don't drink. And I mean, that's all it is at the end of the day. And I mean, there's a lot of other things that go into getting to that place. You know, I think when we first start out this process, we want that to happen overnight. And you touched on the instant gratification earlier on with getting cash money, you know, a few hundred bucks a night early on in your bartending career. And you get that dopamine and it's great and in things.

are good. And then I think when we struggle with drinking, we get that instant gratification of the relief of whatever when we're drinking. And then when we get into sobriety, hey, we can't change a decade overnight or even two decades or three, right? Everybody's got a different story. We want things to shape up, you know, right away and everything to just make a ton of sense. And for me, anyway, it didn't because I dealt with those raw emotions like, what you're talking about, I didn't know how to process things. I had to look at my relationships that I had with people. I had to start hanging out at different places. I had to move a lot differently in life.

And it took a little bit of time, but it's so hopeful that it gets there, because people just starting out, is it ever going to be any different? And I'm just like, I'm telling you, you stick with it, you do the work.

There's going to be a time in your life where you're just going to be like, that was what was. And yeah, in the romanticizing is kind of what I mentioned about it is, you know, you see the people on the patio for the summer

and it's, man, It would be nice to have a cold drink on the patio with everybody. But in my mind, I just play the tape forward. It was never a cold drink on a patio for me. It was never one or two. It was never hanging out with the boys. It was hanging out with the boys.

They all went home to their life and they carried on. I went to the store, got more, passed out, and couldn't tell you left from right at the end of it. Woke up, feeling shame, guilt. What did I do? Here we go again. So I always just remind myself that has the, attractive as it may appear at times. That was never my story. Well, it wasn't never my story. When I first started, that was probably my story. But there was a time in there where things changed. Things flipped

around and that wasn't my story and I could never get back. I tried so hard to get back to how it once was. Like, can I just please get back to the beginning and I never found my way back? Thank you so much, though, Thomas, so much for sharing your story with this, man. I want to hear wondering about too the Bacardi thing because we talked a bit before we jumped off that you're doing another job now. Did you do that job as well once you got sober? You still had that position? I did. I did for a while. And, you know, Bacardi, I remember telling them, I'm worried. I don't know how to do this job sober and not drinking. And my boss at the time told me like, you know, we never said you had a drink. You know, we never told you to go drink at the bars. We told you to go to bars.

You know, you could be having a diet. You'd just be sitting there for all we care. You're the one who decided to go drink like a monster every night. But it was a challenge. I'm not going to lie. You know, working in the liquor industry, especially in that capacity where my job is to encourage other people to drink, where in the back of my head, I felt like I don't believe in this anymore.

I know what it's done to me. You know, it always kind of nagged at me. And I also, I used to be very passionate. about spirits. I don't mean just drinking them. I mean how they're made, the history of these brands, cocktails, like everything about alcohol itself had fascinated me. And when I stopped drinking, I very quickly lost that passion. So I realized that if I'm not going to do this job well, then why am I doing it? You know, I don't care about any of this anymore. I don't care about this bar. I care about the people who work at the bars, but I, I, I'd, I, I'd, I'd,

lost interest. So my half-sister's husband works in construction. He sells large construction projects to schools and he has a very lovely life. And he had been trying to get me to come join his company for years at this point. And I always said, no, man, like I got this awesome job. Like my whole job is to like hang out and party and travel. Why? Like, what? You want me to go work in schools? But then I finally did give him a call. And so, all right, I'm in. So that's what I've been doing for the last, about just over two years now,

two years and four months or something, is selling construction projects to schools. And it's, you know, the last few years have been a real doozy. I stopped drinking. I am in a new relationship. I have a new house and started a new career.

But none of it would be possible if I was still drinking the way that I was. Looking back, this was a great transition for you. though, right, to move into this other thing and kind of close that chat. Absolutely. And yeah, I mean, the transition has been a great thing for me. And I think that if you are working in the industry and when it gets sober, there's a lot of ways to do it. But for me, I just found it was easier to just kind of remove myself from it.

Yeah. Just before we wrap up here, if somebody's listening, because, I mean, you have that extensive background too working in that hospitality umbrella. I mean, what would you mention to the person out there who's struggling, you know, with drinking and wondering, do I have a problem? You know, if I do get sober, like maybe I'll have to leave all of this behind. Or maybe I won't. Maybe there's a way that I could still find my lane and maybe do what I enjoy. What would you mention to that person? You don't have to leave the industry. But I would say that if you're questioning it, what you should do is tonight, You know, when you get off work, just go home and put on a TV show and go to bed. And if you find that it's impossible, maybe you do have an issue. Maybe it is something that you should address or look into. But also, I mean, talk to the community.

People in restaurants, they all know each other. And I guarantee that there's more sober people working in bars and restaurants than you think. There are a lot and find them and talk to them and ask them how they did it. Yeah, I think that's great too, right? Talk with other people and kind of maybe get ahead of this thing, right? Because in most stories, it's progressive. So how it looks today is not how it might look in five years if we just keep going with it. Yeah, great stuff.

And there is, man. I've had tons of people on the show that they got sober there and they had mentors there and then people helped them in restaurants, in bars. And I know this one person actually that she's a bartender still. And I can only imagine, too, if you're sober and you're doing the bartending thing, the money is even more incredible because you're not spending it after work on everything else, right? But thank you so much, Thomas, for bringing the insight, man. Huge congrats on everything. I really appreciate it.

No, thanks for having me. Really happy and proud to be a part of this. You do a great show and great Instagram page. And, you know, when I initially dried out, one of the first things I did was try to look up sober Instagram pages. you came up, you and your community has been a huge help from day one for me. So I'm very honored to be here talking now. Beautiful, man. Love it. Thank you so much. Hey, thank you. I really appreciate it. Well, there it is, everyone. Another incredible episode here on the podcast. Thank you, Thomas, so much for coming on. In sharing your story with all of us,

I'll drop Thomas' contact information down on the show notes below if you want to connect or just to say thank you. Also be sure to leave a review for the podcast on Apple or Spotify. It helps so much if you're enjoying the stories. Enjoying any aspect of the show, take a few minutes out of your busy day. It would mean the world. And I'll see you on the next one.