Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - From Drinks to Opiates: Abbey Fickley’s Journey

Episode Date: August 24, 2023

In this episode, we feature Abbey Fickley, who had a relatively regular childhood as the youngest in her family. Abbey started by consuming alcohol, and initially, it wasn't too out of control. However, the consumption of alcohol eventually took a back seat to her addiction to opiates. She also became a mother at the age of 20, struggling with the concept of not being able to achieve sobriety for the sake of her own child. After facing numerous consequences, Abbey was caught writing bad checks from her father's chequebook. This action would prove to be a catalyst, completely altering the course of her life. Tune in to this episode to hear how Abbey was able to gradually turn everything around, one day at a time. -------------- Follow Abbey- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/abbeyfickley/ - YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-cNqQJQTqgua06yNFyUCHQ Follow Sober Motivation on IG: https://www.instagram.com/sobermotivation/ Donate the Support the show: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivation Download the SoberBuddy App: https://soberbuddy.app.link/motivation SoberLink Information: https://www.soberlink.com/partners/recover    

Welcome to Season 3 of the Subur Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week is my guests and I share incredible, inspiring, and powerful sobriety stories. We are here to show sobriety as possible one story at a time. Let's go. In this episode, we have Abby Fickley, who had a relatively regular childhood as the youngest in her family. Abby started consuming alcohol and initially it wasn't too out of control.

However, the consumption of alcohol eventually took a backseat. to her addiction to opiates. She also became a mother at the age of 20, struggling with the concept of not being able to achieve sobriety for the sake of her own child. After facing numerous consequences, Abby was caught writing bad checks from her father's checkbook. This action would prove to be a catalyst,

completely altering the course of her life. Tune into this episode to hear how Abby was able to gradually turn everything around one day at a time on the Sober Motivation podcast. Hey, hey, everyone, how the heck is it going? It's Brad here. Look, this is an incredible episode. You're really going to enjoy it. Abby shares a real, raw, and vulnerable story about her struggles with addiction

and what it's like for her in sobriety. And she's just incredible. Before we get into the show, though, I just want to mention Sober Buddy. Look, the community over there is incredible. The punchline, the tagline for Sober Buddy is that we came as strangers, and we left as friends, because people are connecting with each other over there, lifting each other up when they need support,

and it's just incredible. So if you need some community, some connection, and some new friends in your life, join us virtually on the Sober Buddy app. We have over 10 support groups. Also, the members of the app are throwing meetups on the weekends.

If you want to hang out in the Zoom rooms and you want to have some fun and just connect with other people, that is there too. Check out the app today, your soberbuddy.com, or send me a message over on Instagram at SoberMotivation. If you have any questions, I would love to hear from you. Getting sober is a lifestyle change, and sometimes a little technology can help. Imagine a breathalyzer that works like a habit tracker for sobriety.

Soberlink helps you replace bad habits with healthy ones. Weighing less than a pound and as compact as a sunglass case, Soberlink devices have a built-in facial recognition tamper detection, and advanced reporting, which is just another way of saying it'll keep you honest. On top of all that, results are sent instantly to loved ones to help you stay accountable. Go after your goals. Visit soberlink.com slash recover to sign up and receive $50 off your device. All right, that's that.

Let's get to the show. Welcome back, everyone, to another episode of the Sober Motivation podcast. Today we've got my friend Abby with us. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm well. Good.

It's nice to be here. Thank you for having me. Yes, of course. And thank you for being here. My pleasure. So how we start every episode is what was it like for you growing up? Well, this is also a big part of my story, especially when I'm like speaking at high schools, which is something I highly enjoy because I think there is this thought that everyone who ends up, a drug addict or an alcoholic comes from some sort of like horrible upbringing, right? And my story is not like that in terms of my childhood, at least.

I was very fortunate. My parents are still together to this day. I have an older brother, an older sister. I'm the baby of the family. We grew up in the suburbs. We were privileged in the way of just like we had everything that we needed and generally anything that I wanted, which I can get further into that. But yeah, it was good.

I did well in school. I had a great group of girlfriends. We weren't really getting into trouble, like a very typical upbringing. And then, of course, there were things within it that I've learned over the years affected me that maybe I didn't so much realize at the time or even when I started using. But I grew up in a very different household than my siblings. They're closer in age and then I am further apart. So those two were together a lot. And I was on my own a decent bit.

And as I got into, I don't know, the later years of middle school and into early high school, my siblings were already off moving on to college. And so there was this probably in the most of the most. important part of my upbringing like preteen teenage years, I was like an only child. And my parents treated me that way. And my mom at the time had decided to go back to school and study for her doctorate. So my mom wasn't around very often. He was working very, very hard, which I, you know, proud of her. And I gave her a lot of credit for that because she did end up getting her PhD through Statham University here in Pittsburgh. However, she wasn't around much. And what I kind of learned over the years was she kind of utilized what she had to make up for the lack of being present for me.

So, you know, buying me anything that I wanted overcompensating with items to make up for the guilt that she felt. And again, I didn't realize that at the time. But looking back when I think, and you know, I love my mom. She did the best she could. And as a mom myself now, I can recognize that and I can see that. None of us are perfect. And ultimately, she was trying to better all of our lives with what she was doing. But when I look back on my childhood, I say this all time. All of the memories that I have, even like little small ones, like my dad picking me up from cheer practice, it was always my dad. I remember, you know, I was an all-star cheerleader. That was a really big part of my life growing up. Cheerleading in gymnastics. It was a passion for me. And, you know,

I'll get into this as well. But when I lived at home and my siblings were gone, it was also my parents. It was a whole different dynamic between them. They were struggling a little bit within their relationship. And so that brought me a lot of anxiety because the household was a little bit chaotic. And so I think cheer in gymnastics was something for me that I knew it was consistent. I knew I was going to go there every week at the same time. It was just something consistent in my life. And I think I clung to that. And I think I clung to my coaches.

But nonetheless, when I'd go to these competitions, you know, in Canada, in Florida, it was my dad on the plane. It was my dad in the stands with these crazy cheer moms, mind you. And I always remember, like, wanting that, you know, like the bows and the T-shirts. And I just wish so bad that I had that. But it, oh my gosh, it chokes me up because he would just sit there in the midst of these crazy cheer moms and just support me and help me put my bow in and my little wig on, my little curly wig. My dad, even whenever I began struggling with addiction, as you can see, there's a very soft spot in my heart from my dad and everything he's done for me. And so even when I began struggling, it was just always him.

And I don't say that to discredit my mom. I just say that because it played a big role in my addiction starting and, you know, everything that ends up later happening with getting sober and stuff. But, no, generally I had a great childhood and there's small things that definitely affected my life. But ultimately, I was fortunate. I had a fortunate childhood. We were blessed. And my parents came from nothing. So my mom started out at community college, paid her way through that working at McDonald's.

And then she became a doctor. Now today she's retired and she's currently in Rome with my dad traveling through Italy right now. So they're doing good now. But yeah, things were definitely rocky for me in high school, big time. Yeah, I know high school. I always say it might have been the hardest four years of my life, high school. Thanks for sharing that because that's kind of, yeah, it's a good myth to bust, I think. That addiction only stems from, say, broken homes.

Now, I have seen a common theme of divorce with people on the show. And I never even know this, but hearing people's stories. Yeah, a lot of people share about it with their parents. And I'm always like, oh, is it going to be in this story? And then it's in that story. And I'm like, oh, that's so interesting. Yeah, more common than I realized. But it also can go the other way, too, that you don't have to come from broken home or divorced parents or getting

bad grades or all of this disastrous stuff. You can just kind of be an average Joe. And it can definitely affect anybody from any sort of status, right? Absolutely. And, you know, what did that make me think of when you were talking about the theme of divorce? Another theme, like I'll notice too in this similar regard is whether parents are divorced or not, is the idea that parents raised their, and I think this might have been a thing,

especially for, I don't know, like our generation with the way our parents raised us, but it was always like, it doesn't really matter how we're feeling or what's going on in the home, but as long as we look good, at least a lot of people that I spoke to. And I think that definitely affects us

in the way of addiction because I know for me, like I carried that. My siblings have carried that. I've had conversations with my brother that he's like had to do. And my siblings are addicts. In fact, nobody in my family is, really.

But I've had to talk to my brother about like debunking and just getting rid of that thought process that like it doesn't matter how we feel as long as we look good to the world. And definitely that manifested in my addiction for sure. And that's another common theme I noticed too, just to add to what you're saying about the divorce. But it's funny. And I didn't understand this as a child, but I do as an adult. I will never forget when my mom first mentioned to me that her and my dad made split. We were in a dollar general and she was helping me look for press on fingernails because she wouldn't let me give my nails done. And so we're literally in this aisle. Strange timing on her. part, but she tells me that they may be splitting up. And interestingly enough, I was so excited,

like thrilled, beyond belief. I wanted it so bad. I was like, yes, that's wonderful. And I remember as a child, I thought I was so wrong for that. But now as an adult looking back, I'm like, that really truly must have been how much I had gone through in the home watching them. And it was just so disheartening for me as a kid. And so, you know, my siblings were on the other end of that, where they were like, no, no, no, we don't want them to get divorced. We want to. We want to to see them together. We want our grandchildren to not have to go to 30 places on Christmas and all of these things. And I couldn't understand. And obviously it took growing up in therapy and things to realize that I didn't grow up in the same household as them. Like we grew up in two completely

different homes. And for me, I saw the worst of it. And so I just wanted them each to be happy. And my siblings didn't see that. Fortunately enough. But for a while then I was like, I'd get resentful my siblings. Like, how could you selfishly want them to be together when they're this unhappy? me, but they couldn't see it. They weren't seeing and experiencing what I was in the home. So anyway, stop rambling. But yeah, it's all interesting stuff. Yeah. No, and I think that too. I mean, if I'm understanding it right, it's like you have to put on this different mask than what is actually going on just to put on this other facade that things are going okay. And inside, like, I think when I was younger, I wasn't able to really connect the dots. Looking back now, it's like,

okay, now I can see it. Right. Better. But at the time, I felt, these, you know, anxious, nervous in different ways around things. I did anyway put on a show that, you know, everything's gravy all the time. Exactly. And I think when substance enters our body for the first time, it's like this initial relief of everything that we've been masking. Yeah. And hiding it, it just goes away. Like, I mean, I'll never forget that first time, that feeling.

It was like all the worst feelings that I had experienced in my life, all of the anxieties. And then there's more down the road once I got pregnant and the postpartum stuff. But even before that, you know, I would do little things here or there. I'd be like the friend that could drink the most or I'd be the one that didn't understand why everybody was ready to go to bed. Like again, hindsight, like you look back and you notice all the things that you're like, yep, I'm absolutely an addict. But that initial, I don't know, just feeling in the way everything that you've been fighting

off for years, it just goes away. And it's like, oh my God, I found the solution. Unfortunately, you know, it's not a good one, but it's wild. When did it start for you? So you're doing this cheerleading and traveling. Every time I think of cheerleading and that there was a movie. What was it called? Bring it on.

Yeah, bring it on. Yeah. That movie. My daughter loves it. That movie. My daughter loves it. Oh, I can imagine. Because she's into cheerleading too, isn't she?

Well, that's what's so funny is how things come full circle. Yes, I actually coach her cheerleading squad for her school. So I coach youth cheer. This is my third year coaching. And I went to the same school. So she's wearing the same uniform. She's cheering for the same. school. And it's funny, like we did the parade to two Saturdays, the other community day parade that

happens every year. And I said, I went from walking and this as a cheerleader to walking as a coach. And it's really cool. You know, I definitely didn't anticipate like staying in my hometown. That's what happens when you get pregnant at a young age. And it all works out, right? Like, I'm young and I'll have so much time when she's older to go wherever I want. And, you know, I still, we do so much fun stuff. And in my mind, it all happened just the way it should. And these full circle moments would have never happened otherwise. So I'm ultimately grateful for the way everything played out. But it is funny.

It's pretty wild. So yeah, she's a little cheerleader now too and she's good at it. But she's better at the gymnastic stuff than I was. She's more into like she's really good at bars and beam. And she doesn't do all-star cheerleading like I did. She loves youth cheer. But no, yeah, we have a lot of fun. That's so cool.

So back to when it all first started for you, when was that? And what did that look like for you? What was it? So it started with alcohol for me and it was very typical just in terms of I was doing the same thing my friends were doing. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, not that it was good, but it wasn't out of the ordinary for what you typically see at that age with experimenting. And I'm going to be honest, like in the beginning it was fine. Really like it wasn't anything out of control or crazy. Like I mean, maybe now and then I get sick or black out, which I guess isn't normal.

But I just mean like it was just high school stuff. And it pretty much remained that way through graduating high school. I was prescribed a medication. To this day, I'm not 100% sure of what it was. It wasn't a controlled substance by any means, but it did something to me that I enjoyed to the point where I, as a high schooler, you know, which was out of the ordinary,

like I knew what day that was supposed to get refilled. I was there an hour early at the pharmacy waiting. So that was, you know, looking back, definitely kind of strange. But, you know, I wasn't running out of the bottle in, like, days, like I would later in my story. So it wasn't normal. and it was signs of addict behavior,

but I was still maintaining a good lifestyle, good grades. And then the addict behavior kind of started before the drugs came in. So I ended up not graduating high school as a cheerleader. I made a lot of mistakes. And we would party before football games on Friday nights. And I was a flyer. And so I would literally be drunk. And I'd be like on the field doing these halftime performances.

It's just like craziness. So it was chaos. And something ended up happening. where my coach called my parents about something I had done. It wasn't substance related, but it was the behavior was absolutely there. And it got me and my parents in a really big fight, and I became so resentful at this coach that I quit. And so I believe I quit junior year, cheering, and that was it. And then it just went downhill from there. All of those hobbies and those things really kept me on a good on the up and up. And so that was the beginning of my demise and my

bad behavior, because then I'd go on to graduate high school and go to beauty school. And that in itself was kind of hard for me because my mom's a doctor. My dad's an architect. My sister's a doctor. My brother's computer science. And so everything went just the way my parents had planned. And then like there came me. And so I think I've always struggled with that. My mom has told me that the doctor told them they couldn't have any more children after my brother. And then there came me. And so there was the age gap. It's like everything went just the way my parents planned it. And then I came along. So I struggled with that for a long time. And I wanted to go to beauty school. It's not that I didn't want to go to college, but I loved hair, makeup, beauty, all that stuff. And what's so funny is, everybody was supportive.

Like, my parents were supportive. Nobody was upset. I wasn't going to college. And it took me a long time to realize this. I think I just would put the blame on other people. Like, they're not proud of me. I'm not doing what they want me to do. But ultimately, it was me. I wasn't good enough for me. Everybody else was proud of me. But yeah, and that's when I started dating my daughter's father in beauty school. And then I ended up pregnant at 19 years old. Wild stuff. Yeah, it's interesting, too, though that you bring it up because I share the same story like it wasn't a dumpster fire right at the beginning it was like some things were a lot of fun but even like those odd times where it wasn't you know maybe the best but like I don't know my peers were doing the same thing when I first started

I wasn't doing really anything different than what the people I was hanging out with we have right a lot of fun and it started a slippery slope after some time but some people share a story that like things are just the bottom fell out right from the beginning not yeah yeah people but for me it wasn't like that, you know. Yeah, me neither. And you're exactly right. I was just listening to somebody's story. I can't remember where this was. It might have been online or maybe on my TV yesterday, but, you know, the broken home situation. And I think people just start to, was it your podcast I was watching? It might have been yours, but it is wild, like you say, and the bottom falls out right from the beginning, like when a 10 and 12 year old just like kind of finds their parents prescription. And boom,

right from the beginning, they're starting with like the hardcore stuff at like 12 years old. I mean, it's wild. And then like you say it manifests through anyway. I mean, honestly, the possibilities are endless and I call people that all the time. You could have a great life. But if you have that disease or that addict mentality, you just can't play around with things and have fun with things like other people can. And that's not even to get into the way things have progressed, right? And like what is in substance day and how dangerous it is when you see these kids who are perfectly good kids and they're in college and they get good grades and they come from good homes and they just want to have fun one night. They try something and don't wake up. Like,

It's terrifying. And that's why just today, I honestly, my mission is just like education with preteens and teenagers and going to schools. And I get so much fulfillment out of that, you know? It's scary. Yeah, no, for sure. Yeah. What's out there to deal with, it was completely different when I was doing the stuff. It's completely different because the problem now, I mean, just to touch on it slightly is not like people that are addicted, quote unquote, that are passing away and stuff. Like, you know, a lot of the stories and the parents I've talked to over the years, 13, 14 years old. like their first try of anything they ever knew. Yeah. Like the parents didn't know that they were up to anything.

They just tried one thing. A friend said it was this. Yep. And it wasn't because nobody knows what's what, you know, just because the person you get it from says, hey, this is nobody knows, right? So that's incredible that you're working at that to bring some awareness to that because it is truly devastating. It is.

It's scary. And I also think parents need the education too, right? My parents didn't know anything about addiction. Even once I became an addict, it took them a lot of, I mean, experience with me, but also Al-Anon was really helpful for my parents. And ultimately, I'll get into that because that's what saved my life is my parents being like, we're done with you. We can't do this anymore. Your siblings hate us because we've spent so much time, energy and money trying to like save your life. You know, my siblings were resentful towards my parents, but it just gets so wild.

But the education is just necessary in every regard. This is always interesting. I don't hang out in the rooms as much as I did, but the rooms absolutely. played a huge part in getting me sober, AA. And whenever I was in AA in the central office, we would call schools all the time and we would offer to come in, but we were just constantly denied.

Like, it just never happened, unfortunately. And, you know, we never really knew why, obviously we had suspicions, but it was just kind of unfortunate. But then fast forward to when I started sharing my journey on social media, just kind of on my own independently when COVID hit, because that's when meetings became virtual.

And I just wasn't getting anything out of them because I think what I enjoyed so much was the community and the people. And I just didn't get that feel when meetings turned into Zoom. And so then I started sharing my story. But what interesting is, is I started getting calls and emails about speaking whenever I started speaking on the internet. And that almost too came full circle in a way, because it was something I always wanted to do, but was just constantly turned down. So I did three last year. And that was my first round of this. And then I already booked one in school has barely started yet. So yeah, it's really cool. It's really cool. But the education is just crucial, especially today.

Yeah. And I mean, I think that there's another angle of somebody who's been through it that can provide a different story for people to hear. I mean, I think there's definitely purpose in the professionals, but I also think there's a purpose for the lived experience folks like us to share what things are like, right? My hit day. I agree. And I think my story too, and everybody's story is valuable in a different way. And so everybody's story can reach a different person, right, personally. And that's what I've noticed is from speaking, the girls that'll come up to me, the high schoolers that'll come up to me are just amazed that, like, I was a competitive cheerleader and I did this. And they'll come up and they'll be like, oh, I do competitive cheer. But it blows people's minds, especially the young ones, because it's like, wait,

she's just like me. Grew up in a normal, okay home. She was a cheerleader. I'm a cheerleader. And they would say this to me. Like, it was just crazy to them that our childhoods, but they're currently living and what I lived is in my childhood, like run parallel to one another. And anyways, so I think it's a huge wake up call to them that like, oh my gosh, I could truly be anybody. So it's fun. It's cool. Yeah, to stay aware. So when did the opiates get into your life? How did that look? So it started out with fenzos. That's like the first thing that I started abusing. And so I got pregnant at 19. I had my daughter at 20 and her dad and I were together and we were trying to do the whole white picket fence thing and make my parents proud and, you know, all the things that didn't

truly matter because I was MV on the inside. But so when I had her, I was diagnosed with severe postpartum depression. It was really, really bad. And, you know, mind you pregnant, I graduated beauty school pregnant. I passed my state boards pregnant. I mean, like, I did the damn thing and I got my first salon job. So here I am in these high-end salons trying to make a name for myself and build a client pal. I have a newborn baby. I'm not even 21 years old yet. And I'm literally, a life that like just wasn't typical for a 20 year old is all I'm saying. I mean, people can do things at any, they want timelines, whatever, but just it was a lot for a 20 year old. And mind you, like, I moved down of my parents house pregnant. I didn't even know to do laundry. Like I remember

when my daughter's dad kind of pulled me aside one day and was like, hey, you have to remove the lint from the dryer. You're going to burn the house to the ground. Like all these like little things I just didn't even know. And here I was like having a baby. It wished a lot. And so naturally it was overwhelming, but on top of that, the postpartum depression just really, it hit me hard. So I went to a doctor and a therapist, and they worked together. And their solution for me was a bottle of Xanax. And looking back, it angers me, especially because there was no education. There was no like, hey, be careful. This is addictive. Or even like, hey, don't drink on this, although I wasn't a age. No learning was given to me. Not that that would have changed much, but whatever. You look back

at all the little details of things. So anyways, it took like barely a moment. month for me to be eating the whole bottle. And I just was then trying to get them off the street. And then not long after that. And it was solving the pain that I was feeling, right? It was doing what it needed to do. One thing led to another. And then one of my girlfriends actually had a boyfriend who was using obiates. And so she was, you know, whatever and engaging in it. And she offered them to me. And I remember it was a perk 10. And I swallowed it. I just ate it. And yeah, that was it. Really. I don't even think I was 21 yet. My daughter was around one at this time.

So yeah, you know, I got it when I could and then everything hit the fan. Eventually, my parents were giving ultimatums, go to rehab, you know, or we won't be a part of your life. I didn't have a home. I had totaled all my vehicles and everybody stopped kind of fixing them for me and things just got really bad, really fast with the opiates. Wow, yeah. Yeah, I can relate to your story too. I remember the first time I did it too. Yeah, I was sitting and playing cards with a few buddies.

we were just playing cards and they were like oh yeah yeah that's great my one buddy had well i asked him i said why are you taking Tylenol like if you're not feeling well we can put your chips you know we're playing a game of poker i said we can put your chips aside for the next game and you can just kind of head home because i was naive i had no idea but i didn't understand yeah and then he was like no no this it's this other stuff you feel good and i'm like i got to try this out and yeah i felt really good crazy you know it's crazy so you crash all the cars like is this from being higher. So that was from the benzos mixed with alcohol. I would drink, which is just absolutely deadly in many ways without driving a vehicle. Sitting in a chair, drinking on benzos is deadly.

Yeah, yeah, I was wrecking cars. I was just hanging out at bars, partying, and I was struggling with the whole mom thing, which is wild because I always wanted to be a mom. I used to cry to my mother and like beg her to have another baby. My mom had me at like 40, you know, and I'm like, I wanted, a baby so bad my entire life. I would use my parents old cell phones. They'd give me like those no Kia phones that didn't have, you know, any cellular. And I would set alarms on them. And I would wake up at like 3 a.m. and feed my baby doll. I will never forget when my cousin came over. She was staying with us because they live out of state. And I was forcing my cousin to wake up at like, I'm like, we have to feed the babies. And I just remember my cousin be like,

dude, I want to sleep. It's a baby doll. Like it's an American girl doll. Relax. But, you know, I just really wanted to be a mom. And then when it happened in a way I didn't expect, it flipped. Like I just wasn't, you know, I celebrated my 21st birthday with a one year old. And I, of course, love her to death and would do anything for her. But I just wasn't in a place to be a good mother. And so I just struggled with that. And I just wanted to party. That's really it. I just wanted to be in bars and I wanted to be having fun. And that was a big part of it. That was a big part of it. Yeah. It's interesting, though, how you have that vision of being a mom and then it happens. I mean, you'll see a lot of people too, right? It's like the tough spot, but you'll hear a lot of people like, I was going to get sober for my kids,

right? Once I have kids like all of a sudden, bam, the switch will flip and I'll just stay sober. And then, yeah, a lot of people are going to share a story like kind of afterwards. What you're sharing is like, yeah, it doesn't just stop things right in their track. Doesn't. There's something on the inside that we've got to work on. It is. So you're 100% right. I can't probably the amount of times. I said I'm going to get sober for my daughter. I said that constantly. So here's why, and I'd love to mention this just briefly, when people say things like,

I'm going to get sober for my daughter, I'm going to get sober for my mother. Not only does it not really work, but it's also actually dangerous. And here's why I say that. Not always, but for me, that was a dangerous thought process because then here's what would happen.

I wouldn't be successful at it. So then my brain's like, you piece of shit, you can't even get sober for your own kid. So then I start beating, myself up. So whether dangerous, it might be a strong word or not, all I mean is you're exactly right. There's something within us that need to yield. We have to want to do it for ourselves. And I always tell people, it doesn't matter if that outer source gets you there, right? To rehab, treatment,

outpatient therapy, whatever it is. It's okay to let your child motivate you to go. But while you're there, you have to find something inside to keep you there. And that's what it was for me, that final time. The outer source that got me there with my dad's. saying, hey, I'm going to press felony charges on you if you don't go to rehab. So, yeah, that wasn't me wanting to go. I didn't want to go. But by the grace of God, and this wasn't my first, second, third, fourth, or fifth attempt at rehab. But by the grace of God, while I was there, something changed. My last time in rehab, the whole thing was different from any other time. But just within it, I found something that kept me there. And I think that's what's important. And I don't know.

Everybody has a different. I know some people do say, like, I got sober for my kids. But just for anybody who is struggling with that, you're not a bad person. If you were unable or didn't find success with sobriety when you're doing it for somebody else, you just really do have to do it for yourself. I wouldn't want that to discourage anybody that's not processed. That's all. Yeah. Wow.

And that's so powerful too because that is, and I've never been in that exact situation myself. But for other reasons, then that's how you feel. You know what I mean? If you're like, I want to get sober from my kids, I can just imagine. And then you're not getting that. And then you're like, oh, then you're just going to go off the other end. Oh, yeah. You get worse. And then it snowballs into he's better off without me. Like, literally, that's where it took me. So that was a really big piece of my story, actually. I tried for a long time to get sober for my kid. That's a really big thing. That was a really big learning experience. But so many pieces of my story, painful circle and just like very interesting ways in motherhood being one of them in terms of saying how bad I wanted to be a mom and then being so unsuccessful at it in the early years. And my daughter's very for me. familiar with my story. I'm going to be honest, I don't hide much from her in this regard. I'm very

honest with her. She knows I talk about it online and she actually came to my home group with me every Tuesday for a year, for an entire year. So she was young, you know, so she grew up in the rooms in a way. And if you would ask her, like, what is this? What is the point of this? And she was so little, like five. And she would say, all of these people in this room, they all feel the same way. They don't feel good. And when they come together and hang around each other and talk to each other, they all feel better. And I'm like, you're exactly right. Wow. So it's wild. Yeah. So when do you celebrate your sobriety? April 24th, 2018 is when I went into treatment for the last time by the grace of God. And so interestingly enough, it was my story's wild in terms of the timeline. Not only because

I was just in like fight or flight the whole time. So a lot of it is like a blackout, but also I ran across the country, like back and forth, back and forth constantly. So intakes were always a bitch because it's like to go in the intake room in rehab. I'm like racking my brain, trying to give her every little date and time. That was always a lot for me. But my point is, is that every time I had relapsed. And the first time I ever went to get sober when I finally accepted my parents all to me, I'd go to California. So my first time in treatment ever was in Palm Springs, California. You know, and I didn't understand how this worked. I thought I'd go off there for 30 days and get completely better and comes out. Like that's what I thought was going to happen. And then of course,

being there, I learned that there, you know, once you get rid of the drugs and the alcohol, like, then you have to start working on the problem. Getting rid of the substance is barely scratching the surface, right? And once I kind of realized that, I'm like, you know what? I think I need this three months of outpatient. And so I decided to go to Orange County for outpatient. And then of course, as I'm getting sober, I'm like building a life out there. And it got very confusing because I had my daughter who was in Pittsburgh and I ultimately wanted to be with her the most. So I ran back and forth for a long time. So my final time in treatment when I went on April 24th in 2018, that was my first time going to treatment in Pittsburgh. And I've been sober ever since. So it's actually really

wild and it took me while to learn that number one, I was running from myself. And number two, wherever you go, there you are. The amount of chaos that I created just to learn that I'm going to follow me everywhere I go. And so that final time, having no choice, but to go to rehab in Pittsburgh, and I tried. I tried to get back out to California that day. And interestingly enough, the people that would help me get out there refused to help me. And I remember like mother F in them and yon at them on the phone. I don't understand. Why won't you help me? Why can't you get me a flight? And so I was forced to go to this treatment center here at home. And, you know, here I am. I just had to get better. It didn't matter where it was. In fact, getting better in another state,

Well, some people did find success with that, and that's wonderful. But for me, it created more confusion because then, God forbid, I have any success. It's like, well, what the heck? My kid's like 3,000 miles away. You know, I got a car out there, a really good job. I worked in treatment for a long time. And it was great, but I didn't have my daughter. The pain of that ultimately led to a relapse.

So April 24th and Pittsburgh in Washington County, actually. Yeah, that's where I was the last time. And then here I am, a little over five years later. That's incredible. Thank you. That just reminds me, too, because I saw videos that you made years ago. It used to be, oh, they were hilarious. Oh, my God, my sober skits.

The sober is living skits. I miss those. I do miss those. And can I tell you something wild? Yeah. Dead honest. Every single one of those were hot takes. Those weren't scripted.

I didn't write those down. I would come up with those. And I love, like, writing, journaling. I can make up like a poem on cue. I do that a lot with my daughter. and it over time. And that comes easy to me. And so, yeah, I would make those up as I would know.

And then, of course, some of them turned into like, we had real characters. I like people wanted to see again. And at that point, they were a little bit more thought out. But yeah, in the beginning, I would just turn the camera on and start talking and play two different people. And I would just go and do it as I go. And they did so well. And I'll be honest with you, one of the biggest reasons, though, is don't really exist

anymore when I decided I wanted to do social media full time and get out of the bar. my sobriety is such an important piece of my story, but it wasn't something that I wanted to add lifestyle and more pieces of me, right? Because at this point within my sobriety, there is so much more to me and to my life and the co-parenting journey, the single sober mom, the sober bartender, because I still do that one day a week just because I enjoy it. And there's a lot of pieces to me. So I expanded. In fact, I did just start a subchannel on my YouTube called Sober Era and I'm actually reposting all of those sober skits. They'll all be in one place, easy to find. So if you're looking for a laugh or two, that's where you need to be because that's funny. Were you living in a sober living? You weren't living in one when you did this stuff. No, I did those here in this house that I still live in in that living room. Now we've done a lot. We've gotten like new carpets and things have really improved. But yeah, my teeny little home. We're actually looking at houses now. We're getting a little antsy in here. But yeah, no, we're all in this little old house. That's so cool. But I did live in sober living for a year.

That's incredible. Yeah. So another. The other thing I wanted to talk about too, because I saw another post of yours that I think tells a good story is when your dad and you got that ultimatum in a sense, right? Walk us through that. How did that help you? But what did it feel like at the time? I mean, because those can be tough as we go through it, right? Yeah, horrible.

And the first thing I want to say to talking about this experience online so much, I get quite the mixture of responses, right? There's a lot of people that are like, this would never work. This is horrible. why would you do this to somebody at their lowest point? But I think what's so important just to preface this is everybody's story is different. And the people around the addict all react differently to the addict. And so it just depends.

So sure, for some people, maybe this wouldn't work. You know, and I always say to parents that are going through this and dealing with an addict, no matter what decision you make, there's a risk. And so you have to just go with no matter what happens, good or bad, will make you feel the most at ease like I did everything I could. And so that's what it comes down to. And I think for my dad, that's what this was. It was like I have tried everything and nothing has worked.

I can't do this anymore. This is the last thing I'm going to attempt. And that's where this was for me. It was out of love. And so I was doing well in California. I had gone a car. I was a manager to sober living. So I lived there for free as the manager.

And then I worked in their detox center. They paid me well. I had a really good setup in Southern California, by the way, right on the beach. It was incredible, but I could never get out of my mind that my kid was at home in Pittsburgh. And I'd also like to just quickly mention, when I went to my first outpatient ever, I was just so newly sober and I wasn't in a place to make good decisions. And my therapist recommended that I give my half of the custody over to my mom and dad. And so my daughter's father and I had 50-50. So I did. I gave my parents my portion of the custody because I wanted

them to be involved in Mila's life. And so I did that. So I didn't even have custody. And it was rough. So it got to the point where I'm like, you know what, I can't continue to build this life out here. I need to continue this at home where my daughter is and resume being a mother and make up for everything I have done to her, essentially through living amends. And so my dad flies out to L.A. I pick him up from the airport and we drive across the country together. This, to this day, is like the best memory that I have. It's the most wonderful thing that I've ever done in my life. You know, we did the Grand Canyon. We went to Snowmo. We did just like so many incredible. We stood on the corner of Winslow, Arizona, and listened to take it to eat.

by the Eagles. He's a musician. And so I was like raised on this kind of music. And so just incredible experiences. So we get home. I don't lap the week and I relapse. The main reason being I had no tools. I was kind of just like riding the wave out there in California and I had such this good setup and these people around me that it was just working, but I wasn't going to meeting. I wasn't doing anything. I wasn't working any steps. In fact, I had never worked steps up until this point. And so I had no tools in my toolbox. You know, it was about a week and I relapse. So I was living with my parents trying my best to pull it off and I couldn't afford my habit. And I promised, because, you know, with the addicts, we do a lot of justifications. Well, were you thinking what mine was

I'm not going to touch the heavy stuff. I'm going to stick to the percocet. They were obviously very expensive and I couldn't afford that. And so I took my parents' checks and I was writing them out to me and I would cash them in my bank account. And I did this for a couple months until one day, my dad went to pump gas and his card declined. And that is when he went to the bank and printed every single check. And so he called me. And it was the call that I had been waiting for for two months, right? Every time he'd call, I'd get a pit in my stomach. Is this the day? I knew it was ultimately going to blow up in my face eventually. And when it did, the ultimatum was go to rehab or I'm pressing charges. And so, of course, I went to rehab. So I go to rehab and I'm doing the damn thing. It was a very

different experience. I wasn't making friends. I wasn't having fun. I wasn't doing my makeup. Like I would every other time. I was just like dead inside. I was that person that just sat in the corner. I didn't talk. I was like beaten down and broken. And that was the biggest difference between every other time I had gone to treatment and this time. Now, as time went on in this 30 day inpatient program, I began getting better. And I was at 28 days. I was not to graduate. I was feeling good. And I had nobody at this point, right? Nobody was called me on the phone. And nobody was sending me money for candy or nicotine like every other time. That was probably the biggest difference was just having no support from anybody anymore, just at that rock bottom place. And so, you know, they would do mail call

and I was never getting mail. Well, two days before I'm graduating, they call my name during mail call. And I say, I'm like, looking around and I'm like, there's no way. You have another appi. And they're like, yep, I'd be fickle. It's this for you. And I'm like, okay. It is a three page disownment letter from my father typed. And essentially just everything in this letter was true. I still have this ladder. I actually have the last sentence tattooed on my arm right here. It was horrible. I'm going to be honest with you. In terms of just not wanting to be here anymore, that was that moment for me. I just didn't want to be here anymore. And, you know, it was all about how much I had affected my siblings and how much. It still was painful, of course, just how much I've done, even with

amends and living amends, but it was just all facts, everything stated. And then it was we took you off our health insurance. And then the grand finale on the left page was, and by the way, I decided to go through with the charges anyways. And that was like crazy for me. And, you know, we had every rate to do that. And again, this is a very controversial story. like I've noticed talking about it online. It really is. And so for me, I can't tell you the amount of growth is a person in this situation gave to me because essentially after I got out of treatment, I went into the sober living because I'd

nowhere else to live. Again, having nowhere else to live and my parents not providing me with a place to live, living in that sober living for a year is one of the biggest reasons why I have found success, not only in sobriety, but in life. Every single thing that happened in this last run of rehab and IOPs and stuff was so crucial in my recovery and who I am today and even the success that I've accumulated today and something that I would not have otherwise done, right? I was used to being in California in Orange County, literally the sober livings were like

mansions. So here I am in Pittsburgh, literally in a bad neighborhood where my dealer was probably two doors down living in this sober living and having to remain sober, not knowing if I was going to do you know, a minimum of seven years in prison was the most difficult and the most rewarding thing all at the same time. I mean, I woke up every day and would just like vomit. Like I would be physically ill waking up to my reality every day. I would get physically sick. My roommate would be in there with me like just trying to comfort me. And this was every day. And just because I didn't know what my future held. I'm like, my kid's not going to know me. Like, why am I doing this? What's the

point? Why am I getting sober? There's no point to do this. But there was, of course, just this centimeter of hope that, well, maybe if I get sober, it'll all work out. But I think I got to the point where, you know, a couple weeks of going by and I'm like, I just can't live like this anymore. I'm like, you know what? Regardless of what happens, regardless if I do the time, I just can't feel like this every day. I can't. And that was the day I got on my knees and just truly gave it to my God and just was like, I need you to take this. I can't carry it anymore. It's heavy. It's making me sick, it's horrible, and he took it. And that whole entire situation is what connected me to my higher power in such a phenomenal way. I relied on it. That's how kind of that one happened.

But then, too, I relied on my sponsor and I relied on the women in the house just to like get me through. And so I was doing everything that I could because I knew eventually I was going to have a court date. So I wanted to be able to show as much as I could. So I did the three month of outpatient and lo and behold found the greatest therapist I will ever have. have. He wasn't phenomenal. And you know why it was because it was the first person who looked in me and was like, you're not shit. Like this, she literally just looked at me. It's like, you're not shit. She tore my ego and pride apart, like into shreds. I'll never forget the first time I sat in her room at outpatient. I was with a group of addicts. So as you guys can imagine,

all kinds of different looking people, all kinds. And she's standing in the front of the room and she said, what does an addict look like to you guys? So everybody's raising their hands and they're saying like dirty, scruff, you haven't showered in a while, maybe thin, maybe rotting teeth. And everybody's calling out all these things and then they're done. And I'm just sitting there running my business.

I didn't even answer the question. And then this therapist says, you know what an addict looks like to me? And then she goes, and she points to me. She points to me. And of course, at this time, I'm still so to sake, I'm like, I hate this lady. You know, I'm being like a little brat.

I'm like, grew you. I was like, oh my God, I was so angry. I'm like, on all these people in this room, they're going to say, I look like a drug addict. But I only tell that story just to give a little bit of an example of who she was as a therapist and a person. Like, oh my God, that woman saved my life in so many ways. But yeah, so ultimately, I just kept living. I kept staying sober. You know, obviously a case like this took a long time to roll out.

And another really wild, full circle moment happened within this story because at first we had to go to like our local municipal. We weren't in downtown courthouse yet. because the charges were filed like here where we live. And so we saw a judge, a specific judge, and I'll never forget him because when this was going on this judge, my parents were like behind me. And I actually had the owner of the sober living with me, who's supporting me. And I'll never forget the judge was like, turn around. Look at your mother, which, you know, I hadn't seen her in a long time. And he's like, turn around and look at your mother. He says it again. And it just was so painful. It hurt really badly. And so we got through that. And so I had over a year sober.

by the time trial came. And to this day, I don't know for sure or not if my parents knew that pressing these charges, like even if they wanted to revoke, the state was going to pick them up. I don't think they knew that. I thought maybe they thought they had the power to like, oh, we changed our mind. But they couldn't. There was nothing at that point pressing those charges. They were happening regardless.

And so when I hit a year sober, I began communicating with my mom and dad again. We weren't on good terms by any means, but we were just slightly communicating. And by the time, trial came along, just to make a long story short, because there's a lot of details. My parents ended up hiring a lawyer on my behalf. And my parents, me and this lawyer, fought these charges together, these charges that were pressed by my mom and dad. You know, mind you, this is the longest I had ever been sober. It's the best they had ever seen me doing. I still think they absolutely still took a risk, right, by doing this for me. And I assumed it was for my daughter, right? They love her so much and they didn't want my daughter to not have a mom.

And I've always believed that until recently, the last high school I spoke at my parents came. Actually, no, it was a convention, but my parents came. And I spoke about that in my lead. I said, you know, he did it for my daughter. When I finished the lead, my dad gave me a hug and he whispered in my ear. He's like, I want to let you know. We didn't do that for Milo. We did that for you. And that was a really big moment for me. I don't know if in my brain, I just consider it myself not enough, but it was really cool to hear my dad say that as much as we love their granddaughter. They're like, we ultimately did this for you. So we fought the charges and we got 32 counts of forgery, identity theft and theft by in law who taking drop down to a one misdemeanor theft charge,

which was crazy. So, of course, I paid my parents back in full in the form of restitution. I did years of supervised probation, which in my opinion was a big part of my stability and my foundation and early sobriety, knowing that this PO could show up at any moment and drug test me. That was a huge form of accountability. She ended up becoming a good friend of mine. Wild stuff. But yeah, it ultimately saved my life those charges. It was the first thing. that scared the shit out of me. That's the main thing I can say. It was the first time within this journey of using and trying to get over that I was genuinely terrified. It was enough. For me, that's what it took. It doesn't take that for everybody, but for me, that's what it took.

It took my life literally was likely going to end for me to finally go get sober and stay over. Thank you for sharing that story. Yeah, I can see how that can go back and forth. What it sounds like to me and I could be completely wrong is this was just the accountability from all different angles where maybe for once you weren't wiggling out of this one. Your parents helped you out with this rehab, this program, that. They did. And this. And then it was like, you mentioned Al-Anon earlier, right?

The message is going to be, hey, boundaries, you know. Yep, that's what did it for them. Yeah, you do it you can. I mean, I think that's incredible. Everybody obviously is going to respond differently to the situation. But I think the way, and I can relate to that, too. I mean, me going to prison for a year was literally the best thing that ever happened. Now, I mean, the second they put the handcuffs on.

that wasn't a good thing. No, that's never a good feeling. Yeah, that wasn't good. When two cops stand up in the courtroom, you're like, Yeah, exactly. Exactly. But looking back, it was a good thing, and I'm glad that it kind of worked out.

And without the sobriety part, though, you know, things go a completely different way. Your parents probably don't come and support the journey and everything. So it goes a different way. But yeah, thanks for sharing it. Yeah, no, of course. Yeah. I mean, it took years of deconstructing

and just like rebuilding. And today, you know, I have an incredible relationship with them. You know, and I like to share it because it's inspiring. And it's like you just say, it doesn't even have to be in the sense of addiction or sobriety. But there are so many people that go through pain within family members and broken relationships. And it's just in general, I just think it's inspiring for anybody who may be wanting to reconnect with a parent like this. So the last sentence of that letter, I got tattooed on my arm because the last sentence, well, really was the only like halfway kind thing that he wrote. it was also his wish for me

and I feel I have achieved that so I got it and of course I show him this and now every time because I have their handwriting on my arms here and every time my dad will give me a card now like a birthday card he goes leave it in the card you don't need to get it tattooed on your body he's like afraid to write anything to me because

I'm like perfect put it on my body but it says you have so much to offer and you have so many gifts to share with the world I just hope you can find a way to live a happy productive life I love you as your father and I always will And I felt that I had done that, you know? But you know, the other thing I wanted to mention really fast is I can't imagine what this took my father.

Like I as a mother, hand off Adam with knowing his daughters in the lowest place of her life and then having to do something like this. The strength, the respect that I have for that man, I can't even say anyway. My mom, on the other hand, not so strong in that way. And I think I'm more like her in that way. I don't think I could do it. My mom couldn't have done it. And so what I really respect and appreciate on my mom's side of this, because I give my dad so much credit because he's the one that did this.

But to touch on my mom, she knew that she didn't have the strain to do this to me. So he decided to just step back and not do anything. So like she didn't enable me. She didn't call me. She kept my number blocked, but she wasn't a part of what my dad had done. She stepped back when he was dealing with these charges and things. And so I give my mom a lot of credit too because somebody that like had to watch and really couldn't, you know, rather than enable me in any way, she just decided to step away.

And she did the same thing in the courtroom. My dad stood up and spoke on my behalf in the courtroom. That was one of the first times I had ever seen my dad cry, which is wild. So my mom's in the back. She can't even function. Poor thing. Yeah. And like here five years later, like, I'll make living amends forever. I mean, you get that. Like, it's a forever journey. And for her not to rescue you, because that's like what moms, you know, that's, that's moms, right? I was wanting to jump in there, save the day, and take the uncomfortableness away from the way. Yeah. Yeah. And we were codependent too. And that was something I had to work on. Setting boundaries with my mom was one of the hardest parts of early sobriety to the point where I would have to have my sponsor.

He would communicate with my mom like it was me. She would send me what to say and I'd copy and paste it. When I tell you, I would like call my sponsor before I'd put a pair of socks on. I mean, obviously I'm being dramatic there. But truly, I was afraid to make any decisions for myself. And so my sponsor taught me how to set boundaries. My mom didn't like those boundaries, but then adjusted to them. And now we have like really healthy relationships. And that also was helpful for me as a mom to set boundaries with my daughter and teach her to set them with me. Like that's okay.

You're allowed to do that. So yeah, it's all good. It leads to a lot of growth. Yeah. It sounds like it. Yeah. It's those tough things, right? Because I've never been in that situation.

But it'd probably be maybe easier in a sense just to enable sometimes and just to go with the flow and just trying to turn the other way and say, oh, I don't even really realize what's going on, then to tend to draw that line in the sand of like, this is it. That is a very hard thing to do. And each situation is going to call for something different, right? Exactly. But, yeah, I mean, you responded to it and it held you accountable. And now you're rocking and rolling here.

Rocking and rolling. Yeah. So just in a quick few minutes here, like, what's it been like for you in recovery and sobriety and how do you get through the tough times and how to heck do you keep it? going and what's that all about? Yeah, it's not easy. So like I mentioned before, my recovery journey really shifted when COVID happened. And I think a lot of people can relate to that to the point where I'm not in the program anymore actively in terms of going to meetings. However, I do utilize a program in my life. So I utilize the steps in my everyday life. I always use the

analogy like every morning. Again, this is not physically, but in an analogy sense, every day when I leave the house. I can either like pick up my big book and take it with me or I can leave it on the table. That's a really big thing for me is like everything that I learned and all the tools that I learned that helped me get to where I am today. Also step 12, we just repeat. And so for me, I've learned at this point in my journey, the biggest thing that keeps me sober is helping the next person. And so social media is helpful in that way, but it's not enough for me. I had to learn that in the beginning. Like I couldn't just post about spriting recovery on the internet and that be my you know, medicine as much as I enjoy it. Now it's a job. So the line really blurred there. But that's

why I moved into more like lifestyle stuff. So yeah, speaking at schools is a huge one for me. I'm involved with a local women's rehab facility that's actually opening their second campus and they're going to offer child care for women that need to go to rehab. It's phenomenal. And so, you know, they're raising their money and they're getting that bill and I've been helping them with that. I went to their gala. So I tried to be very active in my community. That's a really big thing. I just found out there's like, I guess, a little recovery coffee shop that opened not long ago. They reached out to me. So I'm going to go there and meet with them. So I'm trying to just get more active in my community. And then when it comes to speaking, I spoke at schools this past year that I never even

had heard of. I mean, there are so many. And this one that's coming up here, I'm really excited for. In the beginning, when COVID hit, that's when I started creating content, which I again, I think a lot of people did the same. And, you know, again, that took off. And I was a sober bartender. So that was where I got my feet on the ground. And that's how I began to pay rent in the sober living. My boss hired me at 30 days sober. I started out as a server. I lied and told him I had served before I never had, but I figured it out, of course.

And ironically, I still work for him today. I'll be honest, I think that's a big part of why I keep my Wednesday 10 to 4 little day shift. It's not even for the money. But oh, my God, has he been on this journey all along with me? I mean, he was my reference when I got my first apartment. He watched me, were in getting custody of my daughter, which was on Mother's, Day, by the way, a couple years ago. That was beautiful, not intentionally. It just happened that way. He was there for a lot of stuff. So yeah, I do content creation full time now. We've been living in this house in my daughter's school district. And actually, I'm currently working with a landlord and not at this moment with the way the housing market is. But I'm looking to buy, you know, hopefully next year and just like super exciting things. But I also want to say, you know, I'm five years in. And the first two years were absolutely the hardest. When they say truly take it one,

day at a time, I remember being within my 30 days sober. And I'm talking about, so I'm looking with a drink at my wedding. Here I am at 28. I'm still single. Like the things that I would think about in early sobriety, it's like, doesn't matter. Just focus on today. And that would be a big thing that I would remind other people because I was so worried about the future. And, you know, once I slowed down and like they say, it's cliché as it is. All cliches are true. Where are your feet? You know, keep your feet on the ground and keep moving forward. Yeah, I utilize acceptance, acceptance being the answer to all of my problems today. Page 417 is a huge thing for me.

I actually haven't tattooed online 417 right there. It's my favorite page of the big book. So, you know, I utilize that in so many scenarios, especially with co-parenting. You know, there's a lot of acceptance that needs to happen in that regard because there's things I just can't control. I utilize the program. I try to stay within a community locally here, the social media stuff. But honestly, the biggest thing is just living amends.

I have to do that for me. I'm not being a good person for other people or to make other people happy. I have to be. If I want to remain sober and continue on and chase my dreams and become more and more successful in my new career, you know, it's up to me when nobody's watching who I am. And to me, that's integrity and just character. I choose to be a good person today. I choose to make good decisions. I choose to be honest and I choose to take accountability when I'm wrong because I don't know everything. And I always pray like my number one prayer is that I continue to learn. I never stop. My opinions always are changing. And like you say, I just, I'm rolling along here. Keep it going. I don't know. But it's been good and I still very blessed. Yeah, that's beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that.

Well, when I finish soon, but I'm wondering this because I think you probably get asked this all the time and I probably saw it somewhere, right? You're a bartender. You're not drinking. What's that mix like? And before you jump into it, though, I always think people always ask that to me. Like, you're going here with there's drinking and stuff. Look, when I made that decision to not live.

like that anymore. For me, I don't know, that was enough. You made it. Yeah, you made that decision, regardless of if you're around alcohol or not. Your decision has been made. That's not changing. And sure, I agree with you 100%. And I do think there's people that don't quite get that. I think that it's like, well, you're on alcohol. Isn't that triggering? But again, it's different for everybody. For me, I wasn't thrown into the bar because that probably wouldn't have worked. I was a server for a year. And within that year, I couldn't help but to notice. The bartenders are making more money me. And I wanted to be a bartender. And in fact, my boss who hired me, he didn't want me to do it for this exact reason. He was really hesitant and really didn't want to hire me as bartender. So what I did in

the meantime was when I'd be grabbing my drink from the bar for my cables, I wouldn't, you know, be in Manhattan. I'm like, what is this? Manhattan. Well, what's in it? And they tell me, you know, and then Margarita, how do you make that? Do you shake that or do you stir that? And I would just start asking questions, right? And then I'll never forget one day was Kenny Chessney at Heinzfield. And the bar was right on the other side of the bridge. And we had a bartender no call no show. And my boss looked at me and was like, you ready? And I'm like, I'm not always ready. He's like, no, you're ready to be bartend. So anyway, he threw me behind the bar for the first time ever on the David Kenny Chesney concert. And for me, that's perfect because that's how I learned, right? You

got to serve me in. You could tell me something 30 times, but I got to do it. I've been a bartender ever since that day. But I had a year sober. I had a program. I had people that supported me and people that I could be honest with. Honesty is the most important thing, of course. And then I guess in my brain, the money was more important than the substance. And again, that may not work for everybody. And I make that very clear. But yeah, so it was a gradual process. But number one, I'm going to be completely honest. When I was an active addiction in the worst of the worst, like I probably didn't drink for a year. I mean, when I was addicted to opiate, I didn't care about alcohol. Now, of course, I probably abused it in my younger years. But alcohol was never even

really struggle for me. It didn't do for me what obiates did. So it wasn't worth destroying my entire life for. And so I just knew that. And like you said, and I had made the decision already. You know, I had built a beautiful life. I had got my first apartment in the city. And I wasn't willing to mess that up. And I'll be honest. The other thing to look at too is I'd see people on the other side of the bar. It would be a really good reminder of why I don't drink. I'm like, that would have been me. You witness it and you're like, oh my God, thank goodness. And then the money. So yeah, I think it works for some people, but not everyone. No, I love that. As we wrap up here, is there anything you'd like to leave us with? Where can we find you? Where can we follow you? Yeah. Reach out to you, all that fun stuff.

Of course. So I try to make it as easy as possible. First and last name, Abby Fickley on every platform. I'm on Instagram. I'm on TikTok. I'm on Facebook. My primary platform is YouTube. YouTube shorts, long form YouTube. And like I said previously, I recently created a subchannel within my YouTube called Sober Era. So if anybody's ever looking for the goal of this is I'm building it currently is to create a community for people to feel safe to come in and chat about all things recovery, some humor with the sober skits and then some more serious things. But for the purposes of education and relatability and humor and a disease that's not fun to manage on a daily basis. And so yeah, those are all my platforms. I make long form YouTube content too, which is fun.

That's newer. And I'm just currently building that up. And that's what I've been up to. Yeah. Awesome. What's the YouTube plaque behind you? Yeah, so this is when I got 100,000 in subscribers. Wow. So this is a big deal. Yeah. So I won't get the gold one until I hit a million, which in my brain will happen. Next month.

The people around. Yeah. Well, yeah, I'm halfway there. I'm a little over halfway there. I just want to tell you something really fast because, and I think this could be inspiring for a lot of people, whether their content creators or not. I got on TikTok when COVID hit. Reason being, I've always wanted to create YouTube content.

I did it in middle school with one of my girlfriends. We were like praying cold boys and stuff. And then when she got a big girl job, she deleted the platform. So that's gone. But then really early on in COVID, I started making long form YouTube videos, makeup videos, some with my daughter. And it was fun. But I didn't really have any subscribers.

And then what ended up happening with that was I didn't have the technology that was needed to like really create content. I didn't have a laptop. Like there was just no way. And so then I find TikTok. And I'm like, okay, 60 second vertical videos. I can get down with this. And it took less time away from being a mom and all my other responsibilities because I'm bartending full of time to pay the bill. So I'm on TikTok. I'm trying to build a platform. Fast forward. Three years go by. I have 400 some thousand followers on

TikTok. Now I'm like working really hard to build this. So then I go over to YouTube in December of 2020. So not even a year ago. I hop on YouTube when I see that they started short. And I feel like I've had to work for a review and follower on TikTok, which is cool, I'm willing to work for it, but I decided to repost all of the hard work and all of the content to YouTube. When I tell you YouTube showed up, I surpassed my TikTok following on YouTube in less than a year. The following on TikTok that took me three years to build. I surpassed that on YouTube in months. And that was really inspiring for me, especially because YouTube is what I've always wanted to do. And so, you know, it's just funny because I would always ask God,

I just didn't understand. I'm like, what's the plan here? I know this is what I'm supposed to be doing. It comes down to that blind faith. And then when the YouTube stuff happened, and ultimately that's where I prefer to be, especially because they have stricter guidelines, especially with children.

And I appreciate respect that so much, along with some of their other stuff. But it all just kind of worked out the way it was supposed to. I mean, it was a curve by. I didn't see it coming. So YouTube has been incredible. And YouTube is the reason I was able to leave the bar. So I just didn't expect it to happen that way.

but I'm so grateful that it did. I love YouTube. I'm so grateful for every person and supports it and watches me. It's phenomenal. Life is just wild. Yeah, no, that is. I didn't even know it was like that for you on YouTube.

Honestly, I'm on YouTube much, but yeah, it sounds like too, right? You got in when the TikTok was popping. If you got in when the shorts were moving to, they definitely, for the new features,

they show extra love. It was crazy. It's that timing, right? But that's what life is all about. It's like an old saying, like life's a game of inches. And that's what it's about is. the timing, but it's like being in the right place, but before you even get that opportunity,

you've already been, you know, because some people might say, oh, my goodness, this all happened and like, you're so lucky. But the reality is for those of us who things work out, we've been preparing for many, many years before the opportunity presented itself. And we've been preparing for many years, not knowing for what, you know what I mean? No, exactly, not even knowing for one. Yes, I go back to that blind faith, no, and you know what's so funny is literally two to days ago, it's on my YouTube shorts. Like two days ago, I posted a video about this. I was like, I don't think some of you realize I didn't just start creating content when I hopped on YouTube and blow up. And like, I have been a content creator for three plus years. Every day.

Trying to do this. And you're exactly right. It comes down. Sure, maybe there was some luck involved. Maybe like you say, timing. But that doesn't discredit the, oh my gosh, the amount of hard work. And I'm so grateful that I decided to take all that content that I had worked hard on. I ended I ended up putting it on a platform that appreciated it more than I thought they would because that's not what I was used to. It's funny. You're exactly right. And that's incredible too.

And to have the success on YouTube is much better financially than all the other platforms. Funny is that I would say to God, I'm like, I don't get it. Like, why is my TikTok not blowing up? And you're exactly right. When this with YouTube, I could name a list of reasons why this is where I'm supposed to be. You're right. It was the first platform to exist. I believe it'll be the last.

It's the safest. I cannot post a short without listing if it's appropriate for children. I can't even hit post without filling out this little tiny questionnaire regarding kids. They don't do that on other platforms. And so, yes, I can name a million reasons why it's so funny. And I didn't, God knows what he's doing. That's all it comes down to. And that's why I will continue.

And whatever that means for anybody, I know people get freaked out by that. That's just for me. Calm Big G. But Big G has it all figured out for me. And I just kind of follow his steps and not take control because I like to be a back. seat driver. You know how it. Yeah.

Well, look, I'm so happy, especially with your story and everything that you found. Thank you. You found so much success with sharing it. And thank you for sharing it with us today on the show.

It's an honor and privilege to be here. I really appreciate you inviting me on. I really do. This was a lot of fun. Of course. Well, everyone, there it is. Abby Fickley's story. What an incredible,

incredible comeback. Look, I got to be honest, though. I did not expect the part where her dad still followed through with the charges. I didn't know that that was that dynamic there. And that's interesting. It's really interesting.

And she even brought up that when she posts this online, she gets mixed reviews about him even doing it in the first place and then following through with it. Like, yeah. But, you know, looking back, I think some accountability is good. You know, and it didn't result in, a ton of serious consequences or 10 years in prison or anything,

provided it with some probation and some accountability. And, you know, I think a message was sent there too, right? And it's something we all can learn from. That there's going to be some things in life that we can't undo. That we won't be able to sweep under the rug. And just because we get sober, it won't excuse that behaviors, some of them anyway. And we always got to keep that in mind, right? Some things can't be undone.

A lot can be. That's the good news. But some things can't. Look, everyone, I appreciate you so, so much. As always, you know how incredible you are as a listener of the show. Be sure to show Abby some serious love. I'm going to send their message and say, hey, if somebody from the show messages you,

I know you're busy and popular and all that cool stuff, but you better get back to them. But yeah, that was an incredible ride. And look, the next couple of episodes I want you guys to hang on for, these are going to be incredible. I'm heading on vacation next week, but I've got one episode,

possibly two, scheduled in for you to still enjoy. And I'll be off the grid, so I'll hear from all of you when I get back. But thank you so, so much, and I'll see you on the next one. Thank you.