Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - From DUI Manslaughter To 22 Years Sober — Martin's Story

Episode Date: April 9, 2026

On New Year's Eve 2003, Martin Lockett ran a red light drunk and killed two women, and severely injured a third. They where all long-time members of Portland's recovery community, one 16 years sober, one 17. They were returning home from a clean and sober New Year's Eve party. Martin served 17 and a half years in prison. Today he's 22 years sober, a certified substance abuse counselor, and a national speaker who's devoted his life to preventing the tragedy he caused.In this raw, unforgettable episode, Martin takes us back to his first drink at 14, the identity struggles that drove him to alcohol as a shy Black kid in 1980s Portland, the night his own twin brother begged him to slow down, and the newspaper article four days after the crash that changed everything.You'll hear about: what it's like to learn who your victims were; the DUI stop three months before the fatal crash; the "alcoholic's brain" that still whispers at 22 years sober; and Martin's warning for anyone who thinks one more drive home is fine.Martin on Instagram: HereSober Motivation Community: https://sobermotivation.mn.co/Sober Motivation Website: https://www.sobermotivation.comSupport the Podcast: https://buymeacoffee.com/sobermotivationContact me anytime: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I am speeding, trying to get my brother home. So I'm driving recklessly. And my brother literally tried to calm me down a couple of times. He was like, hey, man, you know, you should probably slow down. You know, the police are out, you know, it'd be in a holiday especially. And I'm like, yeah, that's a good point. You know, so I slowed down momentarily. And then picked up my speed again.

When I got impatient, I just wanted to, you know, go home. And I ended up running through a red light. And I crashed into a car. In this episode, Martin takes us back to the night that changed. changed so many lives forever, a decision to get behind the wheel after drinking. What followed was devastating. And I just want to give a heads up that this is a heavy chat at times. And this is Martin's story on the Subur Motivation podcast.

Welcome back to another episode of the Subur Motivation podcast. Today we've got Martin with this. Martin, how are you? Excellent. How are you doing? Yeah, I'm good, man. I'm glad we could connect here. Hear your story on the podcast.

Yeah, no, it's an honor to be here. we're really looking forward to today. Yeah. So what was it like for you growing up? I would say it was fairly average. I mean, I guess I saw, you know, relative. But I grew up in Portland, Oregon in the 1980s. And, you know, I know people hear about Portland today.

And, you know, they had the show Portlandia, was kind of put Portland on the map. And the whole keep Portland weird mantra, you know, we had naked bike rides, this kind of a thing. But I can just say that in the 80s, it was much different. The area that we lived in was, I would say, below the poverty line, if you had to, you know, kind of qualify it a certain way. But, you know, so it was, it was tough in the sense that, you know, there were gangs coming up from, like, California, fighting for territory. It was the height of the crack epidemic during those years. So all of that was going on outside. But inside my home, it was very loving and nurturing.

I had both parents. My dad worked, you know, blue-collar jobs to support our family. Mom stayed home to take care of his kids. I have a twin brother and two older sisters. So a family of six, you know, we celebrated birthdays and Christmases and, you know, Easters and all of the things, right? And so it was, it seemed pretty average. You know, my dad had us involved in Little League baseball and wrestling and Cups

and all the things. And so fairly normal. in that sense, but things kind of changed for me when I got to high school, as it does for a lot of kids. And for me in particular, I was a very shy kid, right? And so this really left me, you know, kind of susceptible and vulnerable to pretty much latching on to any group of kids that I could, you know, be a part of because no kid wants to find themselves by themselves during high school. That's like the worst possible scenario. So I kind of last on to other guys who actually happened to live in my neighborhood. And I never met him, obviously.

But we started hanging out and I just started, you know, like a lot of kids experimenting with smoking cigarettes and smoking weed. And I remember the first time that I had alcohol, Brad, I was at a party. I was 14. And I remember this guy had a guy we had been hanging out with for a few months. He had given my brother and I a couple beers. And I remember we kind of looked at it. other thinking like mom and dad would absolutely kill us if they knew we were even considering drinking because my parents didn't drink nobody drank in my household i take that back my my parents i did see

my parents drink around the holidays they would have like rum and and eggnog and i remember my dad would drink like two or three sips and then it would just sit there he just wasn't a drinker nor was my mom until later on in life when she was dealing with depression and things like that but um so so we're looking at each tell us, we got these beers in our hands. And, you know, but the, the calculation for me was like, if we want to be cool and we want to be accepted and be at this party and be part of this vibe, like, we have to drink. Like, everybody's drinking. So I remember I drank a few swigs off of this disgusting beer.

I don't even know what kind it was. It doesn't really matter. But I remember, like, literally within seconds, Brad, it was like, it was like, I remember my chest had kind of heated up. And then, like, my inhibition started to just slowly come down and fade. way. And I remember how freely I was able to, you know, just come out of my cell and talk to people and talk to girls. Like, I was definitely afraid of girls. And I was able to talk to girls without fumbling over my words or going into a panic attack. And so that was like my initial infatuation with

alcohol. It was the social lubricant. It was good time, good vibes, parties, things like that. And that persisted for like the next couple years. And then around age 16, you know, You know, as we start to kind of look toward our future and what do I want to do with my life and do I want to go to college and all these things. And because I had really internalized this really low sense of self, I struggled with my identity. I was a black kid who grew up in a predominantly white state. And because 90% of my neighborhood was black, but just 20 minutes away at the high school that we went to because my parents really wanted us to be in a more integrated high school

for better opportunity and better education. And I remember kind of looking at my white peers like they had it all, right? Like they lived in these middle class neighborhoods with pristine, you know, manicured lawns and clean streets and new vehicles. And like we live the total opposite way. And so I went through this, this real, this complex, identity complex where like on one hand, I felt like I had to be true to my, you know, my guys and hang out with them. And by this time, you know, we're stealing cars and, you know, I'm selling crack coal. and all these things that, like, my parents didn't raise me to do, but I felt, like, culturally, like, I had to do this to, like, be accepted.

And then, you know, juxtapose that with, I worked at an ice cream parlor after school because my parents were big on, like, us understanding the value of a hard-earned dollar and all these things. And so I'm working at this ice cream parlor, and I remember all of my white coworkers, you know, I got along with them really well. And I remember we would hang out after work and, like, go shoot pool or go bowling. I had a whole separate attire, Brad. I would, you know, go from my baggy gangster clothes to, like, my preppy Tommy Hill figure

clothes and, like, try to pronounce words better, you know, and more correctly to gain their acceptance, right? And I'm literally living between two worlds, not really knowing where I fit in either, frankly, because I didn't know who Martin was at 16, 17 years of age. And this is, frankly, a natural process for teenagers to go through, which I later learned in my psychology degree. that we try on different identities to see kind of which one is going to fit best, if you will, where we feel more natural and comfortable.

But that can be a dangerous situation if you don't have kind of guard rails as well, right? Like your parents and influential, you know, adults in your life to kind of keep you on the right track. So I had gone completely off the rails because by this time, struggling with the low sense of self, lack of a healthy identity, you know, no aspirations for my life, feeling like as a black kid, I was not going to make it out the hood ever, no matter how hard I tried. You know, and really this self-defeatist mentality is what I adopted. And so I sank into alcohol deeper deeper because at that point, Brad, like, with no coping mechanisms to employ, alcohol was the only solution, right?

I mean, that that was how I was able to not feel as harshly these things that really dominated my life. And so by 16, I was a full-blown alcoholic. I remember I would, we would go by the corner. stores, still a couple bottles of Mad Dog 2020, and just down them before we even went to school. I would drink during my lunch break, skip school, drink after school. I remember it was so sad, Brad, it was so pitiful, rather, that I remember I would lock myself in my room sometimes at 17, 18, years of age and put on some sad R&B music and just drink 40-ounce bottles of beer just to tune out.

and I was depressed and self-loathing and all these things. So that persisted for several years and ultimately why we're talking today and how we even came to become acquainted with one another is because of what happened on New Year's Eve of 2003 when I had been drinking all day and partying all night with some friends of mine and my brother, my twin brother as well. and we had left the party right after midnight, brought in the new year.

Everything was fantastic. I am speeding, trying to get my brother home because I knew I had to, I still had another half hour or so before I got to my house. And I just wanted to go to sleep, right? Because I didn't have to work the next day. So I'm driving recklessly.

And my brother literally tried to calm me down a couple times. He was like, hey, man, you know, you should probably slow down. You know, the police are out, you know, it'd be in a holiday especially. And I'm like, yeah, that's a good point. You know, so I slowed down. momentarily and then picked up my speed again. When I got impatient, I just wanted to, you know, go home.

And I ended up running through a red light and I crashed into a car and I killed two people. And I severely injured a third person. And I was, I was keenly aware of the, the really strict sentencing laws in Oregon around DUI manslaughter because I had already, I had done a three-year sentence by this point. at 19, from 19 to 22, I had gone to prison for actually conspiring to rob the ice cream parlor that I worked at during high school. And so I was out for two years. And I'll say for like the first six months, I wasn't drinking. I was like going to church. I got in my GED when I was in prison. I had met new friends. And but, you know, we all heard of FOMO. And at 22 years of

age, I had a severe case of FOMO because all of my guys, you know, that I grew up with, They're going to clubs. They're meeting women. They're having fun. They're going to parties. And here I am on a Friday night, like drinking lemonade, listening to the gospel music, right? Like, it just wasn't, it wasn't fun. So I convinced myself, Brad, that I can hang out in these, you know, clubs and parties and different

settings. I can hang out. And I can not drink. I still don't have to drink, right? But I can still just have a good time and be a part of the scene. And I always tell this when I, when I speak in high schools and colleges and things like that. And I say, there's a saying that if you hang out in a barbershop long enough, you will get a haircut, right? There's no way you're going to hang out around people who are

doing X and think that you're never going to do X. You're going to do X, right? And so for me, that I started to, and I remember the first time when I drank, after being in prison for three years and being out for six months, I remember the first time I drank, it was some brandy liquor. And Brad, it was like, it was like I had never, I never stopped. drinking. Like that those circuits lit up in my brain and it was off to the races, man. And as much as I would have liked to

drink normally and like control it and have a drink or two and be done, my brain is just not wired that way. Now I didn't know that at the time. I literally thought, okay, now I am drinking, but I'm not that same 16, 17 year old wayward kid who doesn't know himself. Like I'm you know, 22, 23 now. So I can I can manage this. No. No. I kidding. I ended up

drinking and driving. I end up drinking and then started driving a few months later when I got my license, but I literally drank and drove for 19 straight months every single day leading into this fatal crash on New Year's Eve with 2003. So I'll get to the crux of the story here. So I'm hauled downtown on two counts of manslaughter in the first degree. Each one carries a mandatory minimum 10 years day for day. Day for day means you don't earn a single day off of your sentence for good behavior or, you know, working a job or getting an education, you will do 120 months day for day. And I've got two manslaughterers, right?

And then I have an assault for the guy who was injured in the vehicle. They consider it an assault in a second degree. No different than getting into a bar fight and beating somebody halfway to death, you get a charge with assault. They treat it the same way. So I know as I'm going downtown that I'm likely going to go to prison for anywhere between 15 and 20 years. I've accepted that, right, hours after this has happened. But four days after the crash, Brad, because I'm trying to wrap my brain around my future, whatever that was going to be,

somebody sliced the Oregonian newspaper. I'm sorry, statewide newspaper. They slid it underneath my door. And initially, I was confused because I didn't ask anybody to, you know, see a paper or anything like that. But I figured there must be something important in there for me to read. So I pick up this paper. I start to flip through it and I see my mugshot staring right back at me. on the front page of one of the sections. And I start to read this article that this columnist had written. And as I'm reading these paragraphs, Brad, for the first time in, I don't know, three or four days now, you know, these victims, these people, they became people with the story, right? And I'm learning about their lives and everything they were doing.

And because all I had to this point was their names in my indictment, right? That's all I knew is how old they were in their names. Now I'm reading about their lives. And what I learned was they were heavily involved in the recovery community in Portland. One had 16 years clean and sober. The other has 17 years clean and sober. These were two women in their mid to late 40s. They were so active in the recovery community, like they volunteer with mothers against drunk driving, ironically.

They were volunteers with volunteers of America. They would watch women's kids so ladies could attend 12-step meetings. I mean, they were all about recovery. And the night that this tragedy happened, they were actually returning home from celebrating at a clean and sober New Year's Eve party at the convention center in Portland when they were struck and killed by a Trump driver. And I remember the columnist said he had talked about the, he called it a palpable irony, which I had no idea what that word even meant, that term meant at the time. But he said it was a palpable irony that these people who would have done anything to help. somebody like Martin Lockett, you know, would have their lives cut short by Martin Lockett. And then he concluded the article, Brad, with a statement that propelled me into the work that

I did for the next 17 and a half years and continues to drive the work that I do today. And what he said was, he said, perhaps the person they will have ended up helping most is the man who's charged with killing them. And that was how he finished the article. And I remember I sat with that statement. and it hit so, so hard, but I didn't quite know how to make sense of it because, again, I'm 24, and I know I'm going to prison for the next 20 years. And as far as I'm concerned, my life is over, right?

Like, I am done. But it was also a statement that I could not ignore even if I tried. So at that point, I kind of got back to my spiritual roots. And I was, I was like praying and asking for, you know, revelation into that phrase and how I was supposed to apply it to my life. And it was like I meditated on it. I would hear it, you know, in the morning when I woke up or when I'm, you know, walking the track throughout the day or I'm going to bed at night. I would hear this phrase over and over and over.

And I kind of thought that it would come, you know, I thought, well, you know, if I'm praying about it and I'm like, this is clearly something that's meant to be like it's going to be revealed and a dream or, you know, I'll just, I'll know, I'll know what this is supposed to mean for my life. And it didn't happen that way. Like for months. It was like, I don't know, six or seven months later. But it did finally come to me that, you know, the only way this tragedy will not be in vain is if I carry on these people's legacies.

And if I literally devote the rest of my life to helping people who struggle with addiction, starting with, well, first I need to understand why I had gone down the path that I had because it wasn't something I grew up around. It wasn't influenced by my parents or anything like that. So I need to understand why I've made choices that I made and how I became an alcoholic. and things like that, so that I could then pour into other people, you know, who struggle with addiction. And then also get out and tell my story at high schools and colleges and panels and things like that to try to warn people about the dangers of drinking and driving. And so, I mean, I could continue at this point. I don't know if you want to get in with the question, but this is kind of where everything started for me.

Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing up to hear. It's definitely not your first time sharing your. story? No, I've done it numerous times. In fact, I'll be, I'll be heading to a couple of high schools about three hours away. Tomorrow we'll be heading there. I do a lot of pre-prong, pre-graduation presentations. We know high school kids tend to, you know, not make the smartest decisions when they're celebrating. And so I do that. I'll be at Penn State next week during Collegiate Alcohol Awareness Week. I didn't even know that was a thing, but since I've been out here speaking for the last

four and a half years. I've learned of these types of events. And so really just getting my story out there so that people understand the irreversible consequences of drinking and driving, but then also just to let people know that there is redemption for those who struggle with alcoholism, those who struggle with mental health issues and may have lost their way, or even those who have succumb to or have engaged in criminal activity and have gone to jail or prison, that there are redeemable qualities and traits in all of us. Yeah. Going back in your story a little bit there, too,

you kind of mentioned it at the tail end of what you're talking about there. Your first step was finding out why you were leaning on it, why you were an alcoholic, what led you there. And I know you shared a little bit on it too about, you know, maybe a sense of belonging and how important that is, you know, humans being social creatures,

high school being, in my opinion, very difficult for years of life or trying to find our way and after there, the pressure of the world of you're supposed to have everything figured out, go to college. Like all of my friends were going to college. And I was just like, I don't know what I'm going to do. Very confused, very lost, self-esteem down the drain, confidence down the drain. What else do you tie it into as to sort of where and why things went off track? And I'm curious, too.

I mean, one of six, was there other people close to you who struggled with this as well? So my twin brother and I, you know, we were, you know, thickest thieves, as they say. And so we, we were drinking, you know, regularly throughout our adolescent years. But then at 18, when I went off to prison for the first time, he went off the job corps and, like, really got his act together. So, like, he was all about the, like, juvenile delinquency and, and, you know, being mischievous and all those things. But then, like, once he, like, you know, became up age and I saw 18 is still a team. teenager, but he was old enough to know that I don't want this for the rest of my life. I'm going to go and learn to trade. And he's been a, you know, a journeyman carpenter, now foreman carpenter. He's been doing that since he was 18. We're now 47. So he figured it out, you know, and he applied himself. For me, not so much, but I was dealing with a lot of internal struggles that he he wasn't, right? And my sister and my sisters were not dealing with the same things. In fact, when my sister had read my book that I wrote when I was in prison. I published it my memoir. She said after reading that book,

and this is a woman I grew up with in the same household. She said, for the first time in my life, I felt like I'd know my brother. She said, I had no idea that you were dealing with all those things. She said, I just thought you'd like to drink. I just assumed you just like to drink. She had no idea that I was trying to suppress these really deep-seated insecurities and struggles that I didn't know how to process. I would say the biggest thing, Brad, that that fed into my alcoholism, as I alluded to earlier, was a lack of a healthy identity and not knowing who I was. Because when you, when you, when you discover, like, who you are, and what I mean, what I mean by that is like, like, what do you believe in? What are your values? What do you

hold sacred? Right? What are your principles? What do you aspire toward? How do you show up in the world and make a difference in whatever way that looks like, right? But once you kind of hone in on those things. What gives you natural pleasure? What gets you up in the morning? What motivates you? Sober motivation, right? There's a reason why motivation is central to who we are, right? It compels us to live a certain way and to do certain things and to show up in the world, you know, in a very authentic way. Once you have honed in on that and you hold firmly to that, you know, you feel good about your life. You feel good about yourself. You feel good about the work that you're doing. You feel good about the ways that you interact.

with people in a difference that you're making people's lives or whatever the case. And I think that has certainly become my anchor in recovery. I love doing this work that I do. I would do it for free, but I have bills, so I can't do it for free. But like, that's how much I thoroughly enjoy, you know, showing up in this space. And that and that became my identity. Now, I didn't get that identity until I went to prison and had to do a lot of soul searching and embarking on new endeavors and, you know, taking some risks and, you know, putting

myself out there and then having that, you know, come back to me and, and, you know, affirm me in many ways. But because I was very aimless in that pursuit of a healthy identity when I was a kid, it was just too much, it created too much turmoil and anguish for me to be able to process and navigate on my own. And maybe I should have gone to my parents. Frankly, I didn't feel that my parents, I love my parents, they're no longer with us today. But I didn't feel. I didn't feel, I didn't feel that they would be equipped to be able to help me. Frankly, I was embarrassed as well, Brad, that a part of me was ashamed of my blackness, right? Because I was like, well, I'm not as good as my white peers because they live over here and they get this and they get that. And society sees them this way, but they see me this way. And so that brought a sense of shame on me. And there's no way I was going to go to my parents and saying, hey, I'm feeling this way because that was just embarrassing for me to admit to anybody, honestly. Well, all those things is, you know, I kept them within and I just wasn't equipped to, to be able to navigate those things successfully.

Yeah. Thanks for sharing that too. I can relate to the not being equipped, you know, because I think we could look back and you can, you know, hindsight's 2020 and, hey, this is where we could have made a shift or taken that opportunity. But I really focus in on those younger years for me. I just didn't know how to communicate what was going on, like what I felt or what I was thinking about or what other people, how they would take it. And, you know, my parents were great, too.

And I'm sure they would have helped. And, like, they did try to do a lot of things. Like, when I was 17, I got sent to rehab for a year, forced to go to rehab, kidnapped in, you know, the middle of the night to go to rehab and try to get help for things. And I, when I got out, I did well for a little bit. But that all kind of fell apart. I am curious, too. I mean, you mentioned sort of the other time in prison. And then you got out and then you weren't drinking. Like, was this, like, a conscious thing of, like, I need to be sober or was this sort of conditions of that? And I was just, you were just sort of complying and doing, you know, those rules. Honestly, Brad, it was both.

I was on parole and, but I had gotten past the phase where I was having to take UA's and things like that. So there became like three years, three years, you know, into my, into my release, I was no longer required to like do you ways. And so at that point, but I was like, well, you know what? I've gone three, I've gone three months without. drinking and I feel good and I was still exercising because when I went to prison, like I put on like 36 pounds of muscle. I was jogging three miles a day. I'm lifting weights, which is something

I still do today because it's a big part of my self-care and part of my routine. But I had adopted some really healthy habits, you know, reading books and, you know, working out and drinking water and listening to, you know, good hosal music and all these things. And so I wanted to, those things allowed me to be successful in prison. So I wanted to keep those things. a part of my life once I got out. And then I had some good, a couple good friends in my life who introduced me to other friends who were, like I said, they were going to church and they were doing sober activities and things like that.

And I had even gone to like a couple of AA meetings. They were required, right, when I was on parole. And so I didn't continue with the AA meetings that first time around because I hadn't fully adopted it, frankly. But so after I got past the initial three month period that compelled me to not drink, Then I was like, well, I can, why not just continue, right? I feel good. I'm working.

I'm doing well. I'm going to college. I, you know, I was going to community college because I was working on getting a nursing degree. And, but I'll tell you, man, that peer pressure. And I don't, I mean, we still make our own choices. But like my buddies who are going to clubs every weekend, like, started to kind of tease me a little bit. Like, oh, you're hanging out with the church buddies. Oh, what are you guys going to do tonight?

You're going to, you know, go to do care. yoke and a, just whatever. Like, they were just making fun, right? That I wasn't out there in the clubs and drinking. And it kind of got to me. I was like, well, you know what? Maybe I am missing out on all the fun, right? And so I told them, I said, listen, like,

I want to go to the clubs with the guys. I want to hang out, but I'm not trying to drink, right? I don't want to drink. And, of course, they're like, oh, yeah, no problem. You know, do whatever, right? But, of course, you're in the clubs and you're seeing it. And they're drinking, right? and they're smoking the cigarettes.

And that's another thing I picked up cigarettes again. Like I told myself, I'm never going to smoke again. Started smoking again. And then of course, they're drinking and they're feeling good and being loose. And so I said, well, let me just try that a little bit. And of course, you have an alcoholic's brain. You're not going to just try one or two. You're going to try way too many.

So that's what happened. Yeah, that's, I mean, a lot of people share that too. I mean, even after years, you know, like the brain remembers what, what things were like from before. Yeah. And yeah, you hang out in that spot too. And I'm just kind of picturing it there too. I don't know if this was how you felt,

but I'm just picturing like really uncomfortable of everybody else is kind of loosening up and they're, you know, kind of carrying forward, you know, what alcohol does, right? And then being there sober and that, yeah, I could imagine anyway. Right. Well, and again, you know, just, just innately I'm a shy. I was a shy person. I'm not shy today. I'm still very much an introvert, which is different to being shy.

but I was still a shy person. So there's these beautiful women in the club and they're dancing. I'm like, I would love to get out there and just dance. I had never danced in the club. I just didn't trust myself to do that. And I remember, and I remember that night, literally that night, when I started drinking, I was on a dance floor, Brad. And I remember I had the greatest time.

I had the greatest time. And I was like, yes, this is what I want to do. Like, I want to be able to go and dance and have fun and not think about, you know, if I'm dancing, you know, good or not. Like, I just want to be out here and have fun and meet women and do all these things. And so, and so sure enough, man, I started going to, I was, we were in a club like every weekend. But I wasn't just, I wasn't just a weekend drinker because now as an alcoholic, alcohol consumes your life. You don't just pick and choose like when you want to drink.

I mean, like, you feel this, this overwhelming desire and urge to drink compulsively. And so what that looked like for me, Brad is I would, so I went to work from 7 to 3.30 at a warehouse. And as soon as I got off work, like around 3 o'clock, like I could start to feel the euphoria, start to kick in like, oh, I know I'm going to go to the store. I'm going to buy these. My ritual was four tall cans of malt liquor because it was like 8.2 percent. And I wanted to get the most bang for my buck. It was disgusting, but it did the job. And so I would buy four 24 ounce cans of beer. I would go home and my girlfriend didn't get off work to like 530. So I would sit there,

toss most of those back. And then by time she got home, you know, she's starting to cook dinner and things like that. And then around 7, 8 o'clock, now I'm drinking hard liquor mixed with orange juice, the screwdriverers and all that, drink until about 11 o'clock, pass out, wake up the next morning, do it all over again. That was Monday through Friday. On the weekends, I got started about 7.7.30 in the morning.

I'm drinking tango-ray and pineapple juice before I even have a piece of toast in my stomach. And literally would drink all day and then go to the club that evening. And like that was my life. That was my life. And I'll tell you what, you know, I was, I was 24 years old when this happened. So I drank between from, from late when I was 20, when I was 22 or early when I was 23 all the way until, you know, this happened a couple years later. But throughout that time, I remember when I would get home and I would start taking swigs all. of that first tall can, there was this pain on the side, on my lower abdomen on the side.

And I remember, like it was yesterday, I would drink and I was just braced myself and be like, and this sharp pain would come and then it would subside. And I would say, okay, I got through that. Now I'm good to go. And that would be every freaking day. So I knew I was causing my body harm. I knew that. But I'm also, I'm 24.

You know, I've got abs. I've got muscles. I'm still jogging. I'm still working out. And so I felt like, okay, this is not going to be the death of me. Eventually, I'll get off of alcohol and I'll let my body repair itself. But that was never going to happen. That was never going to happen until a lesson until something for me,

catastrophic happened. And sadly, that's what happened for me. And so I always let people know, like, please don't let the worst happen to you. Give yourself a fighting chance. If you know that you have a problem and I knew I had a problem, I knew I had a problem. Like most people who are struggling with whatever you call it, alcoholism, alcohol abuse, problem alcohol, whatever it is, if you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, let's just call it that, you know you have an unhealthy relationship. I know some people are like staunchly in denial, but deep down, we know if our relationship with alcohol is not a healthy one.

It doesn't look like our friends who can casually drink or who can have one or two beers and be done for the rest of the night. Call an Uber. Like, we know that our relationship with alcohol is not like that. We know if we're drinking to numb feelings. We know if we're drinking to numb pain. You know, we know if we have many, many times told ourselves that we're only going to have a drink or two and end up having five or six or ten, right? We know that. And so I would just encourage people who are in that.

space and really assessing, honestly assessing their lives and where they are with their relationship with alcohol to not let it become worse. Don't let the worst happen like me before you figure out that alcohol is not your best friend and that, you know, there's no good that's going to come from your continued use of drinking and reach out for help like I should have when I knew that I needed it and was too arrogant and stubborn to seek it. Yeah. I think what you mentioned there too is maybe where some people live early on too right like eventually this is just going to iron itself out eventually i'll wake up to the fact that alcohol is not good for me and something is going to change in my life i i've heard a lot too right a different job or a different relationship or

move here or move there these opportunities maybe hoping for that to come in our life and then oh yeah alcohol doesn't make sense anymore so all of you know of course it's just a little bit of a phase here I don't think it plays out that way for most people that have a problem. I mean, that fit into sort of what we're talking about here. I mean, I do think there are people might drink a little bit too much one night and then they don't do that again or there's a long distance in between it. But it's maybe we believe that it's all going to work out. Plus, on the other hand, the thought of a life without alcohol, it's so interesting how it happens because this is the way I look at it, Martin, is when we're born, we're not necessarily. Not necessarily waking up every day, right, thinking, oh my goodness, I need a drink.

Before I ever drank, I never thought of, oh, I need to drink today. I never had that thought once in my life. But then once I started drinking and things change up here between the ears and I'm leaning on it so much, it becomes part of my identity. And it's what I'm known as, and it helps me loosen up and fit in and, you know, kind of be something that I really wasn't. It checks all these boxes for me. Then it just made so much sense. So the idea for me anyway, a life without it. I feel so, I feel so sad to even say it.

It just didn't even really feel worthwhile. Absolutely. You definitely hit the nail on the head. A couple of things I want to say. Number one is that when we become an alcoholic or, you know, our brain is kind of rewired from the conditioning of alcohol abuse. You know, we develop what we call, what I call an alcoholic's brain, right? So you have your alcoholics brain and you have your rational, your rational brain, right?

And so the alcoholic's brain lives in the most primitive part of our brains, right? It's responsible for fight, flight or freeze and our appetite and sexual appetite and all these very primitive, you know, elements of ourselves. And so your alcoholic's brain will absolutely try to convince you through any means necessary to keep you drinking. That's his sole purpose, right? So the alcoholic's brain is the one that says, even for me, Brad, after 22 years and, three months sober still will convince me every now and then that well maybe you know maybe maybe you could have a drink or two today because you're definitely not that same 24-year-old wayward kid out there drinking and partying every night and putting everybody at risk right you've got a master's degree you

you know you're a counselor you're a public speaker you're you know you have a healthy identity like you're so not the same person so you probably could have one or two drinks literally after the sheer devastation has happened. My addicted brain will still try to chirp every now and in and convince me that I could, right? Now, if I go with that thought, maybe I would have a drink or two just to test it and see. But I employ my rational brain, but we have to strengthen our rational brain, our logical brain. And my logical rational brain tells me that the last time you drank, two people wound up dead, another man permanently disabled. you in a prison cell for the next 17 and a half years.

Those are the facts. That's not what I think. That happened. And the facts also tell me that even though every time I drank something bad did not happen, usually when something bad happened, I was drunk, right? Those are the facts. And so if I allow myself to lean into the indisputable facts, right? These are concrete things that happen.

There's no dispute. If I allow myself to lean into those and not on what I think and what my mind. and what might happen or what could possibly happen or be the case, then I'm able to kind of quiet my irrational, addicted brain that wants to, you know, keep me addicted or have me, go back to alcohol and then, you know, hook me once again. It's the same brain that tells us when we're in the midst of our addiction that,

oh, well, you know, it's not that bad. I'm not that guy under the bridge with the brown paper sack. Like, he's the alcoholic, right? So it wants to minimize your use. It wants to rationalize it. They want to normalize it. Whatever it has to do to keep you drinking, that's his sole job. And so we have to combat that with our rational brain.

When we're sober, after we've had a heavy night of binge drinking, wake up and we're sober and we're like, oh, my God, who do I need to apologize to? I know I said some crazy things last night. Let me go through my text. Oh, my God, I can't believe I texted this. Oh, my God. That's the part that we need to, we need to, you know, lean into because that's a rational brain saying, this is not the way.

You cannot continue this way. This is not healthy for anybody. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. And like you said there, too, it's like a muscle. You have to work on it. You have to strengthen it over time. Kind of going back to the timeline a bit here for you.

So, I mean, you go to prison 17 and a half years? Yeah, 200. So here's the thing. When they sentence you in the state of Oregon, they don't sentence you in years. They sentence you in months. So they sentenced me to 210 months, which is 17 and a half years. but it just sounds so much worse when they sentenced you to the Oregon Department of Corrections for 210 months. So I did 210 months. And while I was in, I said, okay, the best way I think to honor my victim's lives is to become a substance abuse counselor.

And so at this point, I have a GED. I knew I needed a college education. So I was able to take one community college course per semester is what they were offering at the prison at the time. and so I enrolled. I said, well, let me just start there. If I do enough of these classes, maybe they'll give me a degree at some point. So I take these classes and then tragically, my father passed away just three years into my sentence. I lost my mother a year prior, which is really, really rough and that's a whole separate part of prison that, you know, I talk to kids about, you know, as far as like making choices. And you can never fathom what your choices today are going to, how they're going to impact tomorrow. At any rate, so when my father passed away, because he had worked so hard all of his life, I was able to collect a bunch of money from his life insurance policies and his pension and things like that.

So I've got all this money. I'm in prison, and I felt that the best way to honor his hard work would be to invest in my education. So I started paying for correspondence courses from, you know, Louisiana State University and Indiana University and these, you know, other colleges around the country and parlayed all of that into a vast. and sociology, and then I went on to get a master's in psychology. And I was through that educational journey, I was able to, like, really understand from, like, a sociological standpoint, like, why I, either, why my worldview was the way that it was at 16 and how warped my thinking was in some ways, but how that fed into psychologically how I saw myself and my identity and things like that.

So I was able to really understand from an educational standpoint why I, I, developed the way that I did and where I went awry. And then, so once I got that degree, then I was able to get into a substance abuse treatment program for the first time. It was five days a week for six months. And there I learned the difference between sobriety and recovery for the first time. Like I assumed I was in recovery because I hadn't drank at that point in 12 years. I was 12 years into my sentence.

And I learned like that sobriety is just not drinking. It's just abstaining from alcohol. But recovery is like a whole like overhaul of your of your lifestyle and your practices and your belief system and all these things and changing your friend group. And so it was it was a big, you know, eye-opener for me. But I was able to like create a strong relapse fermenting plan and adopt the biocyco-social spiritual model of recovery. So all these things, right, I started going to AA, which I really enjoyed for the first time. And so when I went into the, when I graduated the program, then I was able to work as a mentor to start getting the clinical hours necessary to get certified as a counselor. So now I'm doing assessments and I'm doing treatment plans and I'm running the group and I'm doing documentation and all the clinical elements.

So I was able to get state certified in 2019. I still had two years left on my sentence. But I got that state certification. And then when I got out, in 2021, the summer of 2021, then I started to really get my story out there. You had said early on that I've kind of gone on the podcast circuit. So I've always been goal-oriented, Brad.

Throughout my prison sentence, I always went into the next year with the new goal, whether it be educationally or whether it be something personally, like, you know, there were character defects that I had to work on. Like, I was a very impatient person, right, throughout my whole life. So I've intensely worked on being more patient. I was a very selfish person. So I intentionally worked on giving more of myself to, you know, to be more selfish.

And so my goal when I got out in the summer of 2021 was obviously to get a job. So I started working as a call counselor for the organization that I currently work for, which is called Lines for Life out of Portland, Oregon. And then I also wanted to get my story out there. And then in 2023, I said, okay, podcasts are great, but I really want to physically get in front of people and start speaking more. So I started reaching out cold emailing a bunch of DUI-related organizations and DUI victim impact panels and, you know, driver education schools and colleges. And so, and then I was able to start getting some momentum.

And so now I'm like a regular speaker. I'm speaking about 10 DUI victim impact panels every month remotely here from my office. And then I do about four or five law enforcement conferences around DUI prevention. I do numerous high schools right around this time of year, prom and graduation coming up. And I've gone on a college tour up in New York and a couple of the places. So I've had some success and being able to get my story out there and encourage people for whatever it is they're dealing with. The struggling with alcohol. And yeah, just look to meet people where they are and help where I can.

Yeah, that's such an important part too. going way back here to honoring the victims in all of this stood out to me hearing everything that you've kind of put out in one way or another, it seems to weave its way in there. How do you not lose sight of that over 17 and a half years to just say, you know, what, what was, was, I'm in a different place now. Let me just move all with my life. I mean, I imagine, I mean, that there's a lot of people in a situation maybe like yours are similar, right? isn't just a one-time thing, that maybe just move on with life after jail at prison, if that's a thing. But this seemed to obviously has really stuck with you. How did you hang on? And, like, what are your thoughts there? Yeah. No, it's a really good point. And, you know, frankly,

I wish there were more of us, as in those who have committed a DUI manslaughter. I wish there were more of us out here telling our stories. Again, I speak at a lot of panels and mostly it is the victims. and they should certainly have a voice and speak their peace. But we're speaking to people who have walked in our shoes, right? And they need to hear from us as to what could happen if you continue to go down this path. But I also understand why many people don't want to relive the worst night or worst day of their lives, right? And so they go on with their life and try to put it behind them as best they can. Frankly, it's this simple for me, Brad.

if somebody had done this to somebody that I loved, somebody I cared about, I would not just want them to go to prison for 17 and a half years and then get out of prison and go on with their life as though this never happened. That would not be enough for me. I would want them to go to prison for sure, but I would want them to learn everything they could as to why they went down the path that they did. And then once they got out of prison, I would want them to do everything they can to reach back to the younger generation

or any generation for that matter, who needs to hear the message to try to prevent this from ever happening again. That's how you fully, we always hear about repaying society, a debt, you pay to society, you go to prison as you paying your debt. That's not you paying your debt, right? You pay your debt back by contributing something to the society or the community where you took something from that community. I took two amazing, beautiful, wonderful people from the recovery community in Portland. me going to prison was not me repaying anything. It was, if anything, that was the down payment, right? But I didn't give anything back to the community where I took these two people from.

So it was, it was, you know, really important for me that once I got out, that I stayed true to that promise, the promise that I told their family members at the sentencing when I said, hey, I said, I know this doesn't mean a whole lot right now. I fully accept that, but I bow to spend the rest of my life doing everything I can. can to prevent other families from, you know, experiencing what you are feeling in this moment. That was my, that was my vow to those victims, family members. What kind of person would I be if I had just after a few years in prison said, well, yeah, I know I said this thing, but like, you know, I'm going a different direction now. And I don't really want to, like, you know, relive that.

No, no. That would be doing just an entire disservice to not just the victims, but the people who are still here, you know and and miss them every day so i i have to look at myself in the mirror man and i have to i have to know that i'm a person of integrity and of honesty and this is what i said i was going to do so i'm going to do it as long as there's breath in my body i'm going to be i'm going to be doing what i'm doing yeah what are the numbers behind you know duIs and stuff is that something that you know share at these panels maybe with the students or stuff like i've heard it's it's it's It's a massive amount of time before people that people get behind the wheel drinking before they ever even get caught.

So, yeah, so the numbers, I don't share this in my story. Some of the panels, because they have some educational materials as well. So we know that on average, when people get pulled over for the first time for the DUI, they have driven on average 80 times intoxicated before that. And this is another thing, Brad. I'll say that, you know, this happened to me. I do share this during my story. So three months before this fatal crash happened, and notice I've never called it an accident.

I never call it an accident. That's intentional because accidents happen in life and usually they're not preventable. But a DUI-related crash or DUI-related injury is 100% preventable. So it's not entirely an accident. It wasn't intentional, but it wasn't an accident either. So we have to be intentional about how we speak about DUI crashes or DUI collisions. So that's said. So three months before this happened,

I was, again, driving drunk, downtown Portland, driving like a madman, I get pulled over, and I know that I'm going to go to jail. And the officer asked me for my license, my insurance, my registration. I will say, you know, I wasn't doing a whole lot right in my life at that time, but I did make sure to have those documents, right, in order. So I hand him all the documents. He goes back to his cruiser. He's verifying everything.

I'm in there popping out toys, you know, trying to mask the smell and taking deep breaths to appear calm and poised. It comes back a few minutes later, hands me back the documents, everything checks out. He said, Mr. Lockett, he said, I want you to get home safely tonight because there are a lot of drunk drivers on the roads. Literally said that. Went back to his car, drove off. I drive out the parking lot. As I drive out the parking lot, I remember my intense fear just, you know, swept away, and then it was almost instantaneously overcome with a rush of adrenaline, because at that point, I felt, honestly felt that as long as I have my license, my insurance, my registration, everything's up to date, and nobody can stop me.

Like, I'm absolutely invincible. I can do whatever I want. Three months later, this happens. So I say that because I often think I've thought about rather than not often, but I thought about sometimes, what if I had gotten a DUI that night? Maybe that would have been my rock bottom and I would have, you know, gotten my act together and I would have never done this again. I would never drink again.

Like, what if? What if? So when I'm sitting at these DUI victim impact panels and I'm talking to these people who hate that they have to be there. They're required by the courts and all that. They have to pay these fines and this and that. I say, you guys are lucky. I know you don't feel lucky, but trust me, you're lucky because you have a chance to be

able to put this all behind you to learn from this mistake, do what you got to do, get your license back and put it all behind you. I never had that chance, right? I went straight from getting my license as a first time driver to two years later, double DUI fatality. So don't end up like me and allow that to happen to you. Yeah. Well, thank you so much, Martin, for joining today, sharing your story on the podcast.

A couple more minutes here. Anything you want to leave everybody with today? Yeah, I just want to, again, thank you so much for having me, Brad. And I just want to say that for anybody who was out there and thinking about getting sober or you're newly sober or you maybe even be, you know, many years into it, I would just encourage you to continue to lean into your support system. Like none of us can do this alone. I don't care how many years we've been clean this over.

We need other people because it's going to be those moments. It's going to be those down days and we're going to be triggered, right? And don't try to figure it out alone. So find your people. My people is in AA. That's kind of what I subscribe to. It's not for everybody. But find your people.

Reach out to me. I'm happy to find some resources for your support groups or what have you. And I can say that sobriety. is absolutely worth it. Like I live my best life sober. I remember everything I did yesterday. I don't have to wake up and apologize to anybody for anything I may have said or done. And so if you're thinking about getting sober, just give it a try.

Give it a chance. And I promise you, you won't regret it. Yeah, I echo that too. Yeah, get some help, get some support. Even if we go further back in your story, I mean, that's, I think one of the things you connected to with getting stuck or going off track, right, is sort of the sense of shame from reaching out or embarrassment from asking for help. But find other people on the same quest, the same journey.

They seem to really understand it a lot more than maybe somebody who's not. Although those people can be helpful too. Absolutely. Thanks again so much for sharing with this today. Thank you for having me. Well, there it is another episode here on the Subur Motivation podcast. So many thoughts to take away from this episode. Honestly, this was a tough episode to record.

with how devastating this was and how many people were affected and I think there's a lot of mistakes that I've made in life and I would like to think that none of them are permanent, but something like this is. And then I also reflect back on my own personal journey of some of the times that I got behind the wheel and it very easily could have went the other way. I am grateful that that never did happen. But maybe anybody out there who's still in the mix of things, maybe this can be something to wake you up, maybe not. Hopefully we can all leave being a little bit more mindful of the impact, the serious impact that this can have. Be sure to subscribe to the channel. So many more stories to come soon. Thank you for listening and leave your

thoughts below in the comments and I'll see you on the next one.