Sober Motivation: Sharing Sobriety Stories - From DUI to 18 Years Sober: Phillip Barbb’s Recovery Story

Episode Date: February 24, 2026

In this episode of the Sober Motivation Podcast, Phillip Barbb shares how a DUI at 22 became the turning point that led to 18 years of sobriety. This is a powerful conversation about alcohol addiction, anxiety, grief, and long-term recovery. Phillip opens up about using alcohol to silence anxiety, growing up under pressure, and how ego and perfectionism kept him stuck. What started as drinking to cope eventually led to arrests and legal consequences — and ultimately a decision to quit drinking for good. We discuss: • DUI and the wake-up call that changed everything • Alcohol addiction and anxiety • Ego in recovery • The role of community and support meetings • What long-term sobriety really requires If you’re struggling with alcohol, thinking about quitting drinking, or looking for insight into long-term sobriety, this episode offers real perspective and hope. ---------- Phillip on IG: https://www.instagram.com/phillipbarbb/

Welcome back to season five of the Sober Motivation Podcast. Join me, Brad, each week as my guests and I share incredible and powerful sobriety stories. We're here to show sobriety as possible. One story at a time. Let's go. Today's conversation is about pressure, grief, and the mask we wear to survive. Philip grew up trying to be perfect, the cop's kid, the overachiever, but behind it all was anxiety and a voice that wouldn't shut off. I'll call silenced that voice until it started destroying his life.

After losing his mom as a teenager and spiraling into a rest and a DUI, Philip had to choose, keep performing, or get honest. He's now 18 years sober. This one's about ego, vulnerability, and the power of community. And this is Philip's story on the sober motivation podcast. Today we've got Philip with us. Philip, how are you? I'm doing fantastic, man.

Thanks for having me here. Of course. Thank you for jumping on here and being willing to share your story with all of us. of us. Oh, dude, it's always a pleasure just to like obviously talk about our stories, but also like just connect with our community, man. Like I've been, I have been an active follower of you and your work for years now. And we kind of were joking like we've been, you know, we've messaging back and forth. And I just appreciate the, you know, all of the hard work that goes into staying consistent, putting out content, fielding the email, you know, feeling the messages. And,

and putting this out, man, this stuff is not easy to do, man. So I'm I'm a TV producer by trade. That's what I do for work. Yeah, man, consistency is hard, bro, constantly doing the work. And so I got a lot of respect for what you do, man. Yeah, beautiful. Thank you. So what was it like for you growing up?

Man, so I grew up in Metro Detroit. I grew up in a household where, you know, my dad was a police officer. So dad was a cop. Mom was involved in school board. Great family, loving family. But I also grew up as kind of the, you know, the, the youngest kid on the block, right? Like I was always trying to be cool enough, funny enough, smart enough to fit in with the older

kids on the street, you know, on the block and want to be, you know, very impressionable when I got around them, right? Like I was, I've always kind of been, you know, I always was able to, you know, be a bit of a leader among my peers, but I was completely susceptible when you got me around anybody that was older than me, right? Like, you got me around other people and then I felt like I needed to impress, or prove something to, man, I would just go off the, I mean, one time I remember being a little kid

and one of the kids up the street got a new bike and the guys were like, some of the older guys were messing with them about his, but we were playing with like whistleball in the street. And I'm like six or seven. And they're like, yo, Phil, go, well, don't you go take your baseball bat to Danny's bike? Yep, I'm doing that.

If you got him, you know, some friends. And dude, I remember going out, beating this guy's bike and had, you know, obviously my dad was very upset, had to pay for the bike. But like that was a bit of like who I was as a kid, right? Like everything, you know, I felt like I needed to be perfect. My mom being a school board member, I never met somebody that didn't know who my mom was, didn't have an expectation of me. Dad being a cop. You're trying to be this perfect little cop's kid. And so, you know, where things kind of went for me was, you know, I'm going through school doing well, blah, blah, blah, having that little bit of anxiety of just being a normal

kid trying to find your place. And those older guys, as they were 14, 15, 16, 17, and they started drinking, they started, you know, smoking weed and doing stuff. You know, I was 11. Like, first time I ever got drunk at a party, I was like 11 years old, which is so common for a lot of us that are, you know, in recovery, right? We started too young. We got access to young. and you know for me the thing obviously there was the element of drinking and then feeling like oh I fit in right like there was that bonus oh I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing with the older kids there was that bonus but really for me there was you know anyone that's listening that can relate to that voice that just feels like it's always going always in hype like are you doing

the right thing are you saying the right oh maybe you shouldn't have said that maybe you shouldn't have done that. How are you positioning? Like that voice that was always going of judgment and of it was the first time I ever experienced the voice disappearing. Yeah. When I drank. And it was the only thing I, and it made me present. And I hate to say that because I don't want to give alcohol and it's flowers, man.

But like there was an element of, you know, we talk about meditation or we talk about things of getting present and the importance of it. But for me at that young age, the thing that finally silenced my brain was taking a drink, right? And I say silenced. Also, it made me, you know, I always joke. I wanted to be Stifler from America Pie in the Worst way, right? I wanted to break things and go wild and do crazy stuff. But there was that element.

So that was, you know, 13, 14, 15 started to drink and doing this stuff on a normal, consistent basis, still overachieving in school, playing sports, capital sports teams. So there's just like, you know, constant performance, right? I'm always got to be, and I'm building all these masks of who I'm supposed to be, right? I was building, though, like, I need to be the school board members kid. I got to be the cop's kid. I got to be the captain of the team. I got to be the kid on honor roll.

I got like building this vision of who Phil Barb is, right? Who's Phil supposed to be? And then, you know, wear it all. And then I would have this escape of I can drink when I'm in. in a situation. And then that voice would disappear. And it felt like an escape from myself. And, you know, so for where it kind of kicked off for me, then 14, my mother was

diagnosed with cancer. We had a year-long battle a week before my 15th or a week before my 16th birthday. My mother dies. So I shouldn't say it that way. She passes away. Jeez, Phil. Matt, sound cold. No, but my inner subvats is away.

And so I'm, you know, I'm a 15, 16 year old kid who has no skills of coping, no idea how to communicate. I have been pretending my entire life. And so I go into pretend mode. And for me, pretend mode was just, okay, I'm going to have rehearsed vulnerability. I'm going to tell you enough about me from an emotional standpoint. Oh, well, yeah, it's, you know, it's really sad and it's hard and it's heartbreaking. but also, you know, I just have learned that, you know, I just have to be grateful for the ears that we did have together.

And I just really, you know, I love how my communities come around me. Rehearsed vulnerability of this is what I need to say so that you don't think that I'm completely broken. So I can hide long enough so I can go and drink or party and release from this thing. Sorry, who were you telling, like talking about that to like sort of. That's everybody, man. That's everybody. that's that's friends that his parents that's coaches that's you know going in to see a counselor right that is building this building this because at the core at the core i'm insecure and i think i'm

awful right at my core there's parts of me that doesn't think that i'm lovable right and so you build that wall through the achievement and through the the the accolades and through the personality and you build this wall that protects the, the insecure, broken version that doesn't feel like I'm worth anything. You know, that all the years of self-criticism and all of that, that pushes on me, right?

And so I just wanted to, like, I gave you the performance, you know, and I gave you that performance. And it was like, And then you hid the true thing because I didn't know. Like there was all, and look, I was 16, 17, 18.

There's also a part of it where it's like, I'm just copying what I'm seeing. I'm copying the, you know, like I often joke like the amount of sports analogies that have ruined me at times. Like the only, you know, like you know, like you know, you had man, you just got to put your jersey on and go. Dude, the day I found out my mom had cancer, we sat at the kitchen table. We cried our eyes out. and then I put on a basketball jersey and I went and played a game. Like that was what that was, well, what do you there do? There's nothing I can do.

You just got to get back out there, that harshness that is everywhere. Now, especially in social media, right? Like all the gurus or the self-help stuff or this is how you just got to be a man and man up and do, like, dude, I'm a victim of all that. Bro. Not to call myself a victim, but like I was susceptible as a young kid to all that, right? like, you know, like if you're not bleeding, you're not working hard enough, like all of that stuff. So yeah. But even looking back at that, I mean, it sounds like in one way or another two, it helped you shape this identity for yourself, right?

It's like this, you know, today's terminology, maybe this grinder or this guy that's working hard. And then I think what I'm picking up to is in sense, I mean, relatable in some ways is that it gives you some value or acceptance or especially if you're struggling on the other end with. not feeling lovable, well, this is getting you attention. So this makes a whole heck of a lot of sense to do well in school and sports. So you're sharing all of this. This is what I'm picking up on, Philip. Let me know if I'm wrong here. You're sharing all of this right now on years of, you know, reflecting, right?

Years of work on yourself. When you look back, I mean, the best that you can remember it, what was kind of going through your head then? I mean, you weren't, were you thinking that you weren't lovable or how was that experience? No idea. bro i had no like this is you're right right like i've you know been sober 18 years now this is years of going back in therapy and working with sponsors and in uncovering and i was i was just i just i just thought i was i was just trying to do the next thing you know like it was um i is really i had no idea right like i had no idea what was really going on uh there were times that i you

I'm sad or that, you know, or, and I wouldn't let myself feel the emotion. And I'll be honest, dude, I can sit here as a 40 year old man and say that I still try to, my therapist jokes all the time is like, you love to think your way out of some emotions. You know, I will, I will get logical about things and try to try to hide the emotions or I'll try to discredit why the emotion isn't, you know, isn't why I shouldn't be feeling it or why it's just an emotion and like, I need to be stronger and be it, right, I still will do those things. So, in the, that moment, right? In those early years when I'm, you know, no, dude, I thought I was just an 18 year old wild kid having fun, right? I thought, you know, I started DJing, right? So I was like in and out

of nightclubs doing DJing, DJ, you know, eventually, you know, went to, got to college. You know, where it all went for me. So at 18, was leaving a DJ event and, you know, put my car into a wall, you know, drinking and driving. At 19, got to college, got arrested for an alcohol-related thing. 20, another alcohol really thing. All like small little like minor possession stuff and I try not to make it sound like I'm, you know, like I'll go and do, you know, hospitals and institutions. And I'll tell you what? There's no, there's no better way for you to stop lying about how bad, about your story, then go talk to some inmates who are actually sitting there doing time. And you won't, and you stop and you stop making your drunk tank night.

Like, seem like that you did a 10 year vid. Right. You start checking. yourself when you're sitting there with some hard dudes and you're like, oh, maybe I don't need to sit here and act like I'm, I've been to jail four times. Like, hold on, bro, you spent a couple nights and jail. Hold on. Anyway, so 18, crash my car. 19, 20, got arrested for alcohol related stuff. 22 got a DUI. I was getting ready to move to L.A. And I will say when I got that DUI, um, I, it was one of those circumstances where I, there's the performative element of me that still knew like, oh man, I need to like, I got to deal with this court case, like, blah, blah, blah.

Like, what can I do to scheme? Well, how can I manipulate this situation to benefit me? And I'm like, oh, and I can start going to AA. They'll probably make me go anyway. And it'll look. It'll look good, right? Yeah. So there was a small piece of me.

And if anyone can relate to this, man, I remember, right? Like, I've always been, you know, obviously you can tell I'm a high energy dude. I've always been able to talk and be personal with people and like, you know, it was in a fraternity, you know, shock around that one, right? I had the ability of like, I could be, you know, at a party, having a blast, being surrounded with friends and then go home and at 2.30 in the morning when I'm sitting in that room by myself, just sadness and emptiness and felt so alone. And there was a part of me that was like, dude, like, I don't know if I knew it at the time,

I knew that it didn't feel good. I knew that it didn't, you know, I knew that it didn't feel good. And so there was a part of me that when I did look at some of my peers, other guys that were drinking and doing partying and we were all being wild at that time and you find people that will help support your thing. But it was a part of like realizing like I don't see them. I don't see their darkness. Like I don't see a darkness in them that I feel.

And so maybe there is something of like, maybe I do have a problem, right? Like, you know, and look, I mean, I've been, you know, I got into a fight with a kid I grew up with and got hospitalized. Like, I, you know, metal beam hit me in the head during this fight and I had to get seven staples in my head. Like, there was a lot. Like, it was, it was, the one thing I'll say that I'm very grateful for with all of the problems was that it was a very obvious banging my head against the wall for anyone that was watching, right? from my dad, my sister that had to, like my stepmother that had to sit by and they're watching this 20, 21, 22, 23 year old kid bang his head against the wall. It couldn't fly under the radar for too long, right? It's just interesting there too because I think, I mean, I'm a parent now. I have

three smaller kids, so I'm not, you know, they're not to this stage yet. But I think there's for parents too is that you're wondering, right, at 2020, 21, 22, okay, what part of this is just going to be what everybody else is doing. And then where is it going to sort of cross that line to say, if you don't get in front of this, you don't do something about it now, this is going to carry on. Because I can relate to that. I had so many buddies in college that I hung out with,

but they weren't blowing up their life. They were able to, like, go out. I mean, they were partying as hard as me, if not harder, but they were able to get back up, do what they need to do, go to class, show up, do okay. And I always was left scratching my head. Like, why? Why is it that I am not able to really do that?

Why is it that I seem like I'm having some big other thing going on more than just drinking, partying and using drugs? There seemed to be more kind of to the story. And I mean, I think like a lot of it's related about what you said. I mean, just scaling things back. I didn't know how to communicate what I was going through. I didn't know how to express feelings. I didn't know how to ask for help.

I was so filled with insecurity and fear and all of that other stuff. And I think everybody probably has some element of it. But I don't know, for me, it sounds like for you too. Like they really kept us stuck. Oh, dude, totally. And it's, I think the crazy thing, too, is like there is, and for anyone that's newer and listening, right, like, they're, this is years of looking back, right? And peeling back layers of the onion on yourself and trying to learn, right?

Like, you know, this isn't like one step study, right? You're through the 12 and then you're like, you cured, right? Like, this is years of like, and almost to a point now where I joke, I'm like, man, I need to really like, I got to make sure I'm not making up stories about my past, right? Of what I'm making things mean. And I need to be honest and checking myself, which is why the community is so important. We can't see our own blind spots, you know, like the recovery game is. It takes a really long time, man. But like, you know, so I eventually, I got sober.

So I got sober at 22, stuck with the program, fought it in a lot of ways. I didn't do everything the right way. Like I knew that I had problems, but, you know, there were times where I, you know, I would dance around getting a sponsor or then I'd switch meetings and then I would, you know, do a bunch of different stuff. And I got like four and a half years sober. Hadn't done, hadn't done the steps, bro. Like four and a half years sober, hadn't done the steps.

Why not? Why were you dancing around? What was causing you to? Because I'm entitled kid who doesn't want to like, who doesn't want to listen to anybody. Because I know there's parts of me that thinks I know better. There's parts of me that was getting what I wanted by being able to go in and give you my amazing little two-minute share about being a young person in AA and like do some of the work, not do the work, right? There's accountability. Like all of the, all of the things that we see in the program, right? Like my ego, my so, Just like the, my ability to want to be the most important person in the room and then also being afraid that there's something on my face that I don't know.

And everyone knows it and everyone sees it and everyone's making fun of me about it. But no one will tell them that level of being like, I'm either the greatest dude in the room where I'm not worth anything. Right. So I'm at this meeting. Do me a great chair, I imagine, right? I'm about four and a half minutes or four and a half years into sobriety. Well, and this guy, this dude walks up to me after the meeting. I'm in North Hollywood.

You know, I live in Los Angeles now. It was in North Hollywood and a guy walks up to me, big dude, right? Like six foot two, big bald dude, kind of, you know, muscular guy walks up to me. And he goes, hey, man, you know, I just want to introduce myself. And I want to let you know, I think you're full of shit. Get a sponsor. Five years is dangerous. Quit messing around.

come to find out that guy worked at a rehab facility and whatever my brand of genius that I thought I had had going on this dude had seen it before and he saw through it and he saw through this performance and he saw through the mask and he had the boldness to step forward and call it and that guy ended up being my first sponsor

that walked me through the steps from one all the way through the end I told that man things I had never spoken out of my mouth before. Embarrassing, shameful things I had done, things that had been done to me. And I was able to just release so much. And like since I stay in touch with him, you know, I have another sponsor that I work with. But like, I'm always so grateful for that moment because, and I tell the story because it's also like, you know, like, that's on me. Like, I've met people that go to, that go to A.A. and they're six months in and they've gone through the steps, you know?

But like for me, I thought I was special or that I was different. And I dragged my feet and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm glad I stayed sober through that time. But it's been, you know, it's not always, it doesn't always look the same. But you keep doing the work. And, you know, and I just, in January, January 28th, I just hit 18 years of sobriety, which feels weird. It was very weird.

But the bigger thing, and I'm grateful for the journey, but it's like, I will never, the thing that I get, I try to remember and I try to get. I'll never know. I will never even know all the hardship and pain that I avoided in 18, no matter how bad life gets, no matter how entitled I still am feeling like, you know, they should have went this way or I should have got this or, you know, and I'm still. human and I still go on social media and I still feel that this guy's life is better and I get caught up in that. But no matter how chaotic that all goes, there's so much chaos and sadness and broken brokenness that I've avoided in 18 years of sobriety. And I'll never even be able to truly comprehend and appreciate it. And for that, I'm very, very, very grateful. Yeah, I love that. That's beautiful.

Going back to like when you decided to get sober, what was that, like, what was that like, was it right after the DUI that you, like, I need to plug into the meetings? And I'm also wondering, too, is that is one part. And then the other part, too, is kind of your dad. Was he talking to you? You had mentioned sort of they saw, what were those conversations like? Two parts there. Yeah. I love my dad. And we're, you know, he's, we're such great friends. And we've talked at length. And I'm. And I'm. obviously when I started, you know, talking a lot about this and being more open with my story, he had to address some stuff. And I think it was tough for him to be like, how was I a cop? How am I a cop? And my son is 13 years old coming home drunk at night. And I'm not picking it up. You know, my dad, and I love him to death, but he always says, he goes, you know, my,

he goes, one of the biggest balls that I ever dropped in this thing was not getting you and your sister therapy when your mom died. You know, he regrets not doing that and not getting help, right? Now, on the flip side, I can be a grown man and appreciate like, hey, this is a guy who just lost his wife. You know, he just lost his wife. He's trying there. And he's now got two, he's got two kids, you know, he's got a senior and a sophomore in high school that he's got, you know, like, this isn't the plan he had, you know? Yeah. But so, you know, and look, he had, when I was in college, you know, he had to cut me off.

Like, I, you know, I ended up putting myself through college because he had to say, like, dude, you're not allowed home anymore. We had an incident where, dude, I was drinking and driving one night. I came, I left. I went to Michigan State University. He had come back home to Detroit for a hang out with some friends. And I almost hit a person. I almost hit somebody in my car. And the car came to my place and got out to, like, confront me.

and I threatened this guy and I was like I'm gonna I'm gonna you know fuck you obviously using vulgar language but I was like in front of your wife and kid like wife was it right couldn't find out it was a neighbor who I was so drunk I didn't recognize and my dad

obviously the word gets back to my dad is like dude you're not welcome home anymore you know like you and I remember him telling me years later like him and my uncle had times where they were like man we didn't know what to do we didn't know he was like I wanted to take you out of school and put you in rehab. But I also didn't want, you know, there's the part of me is like, I don't want to, like,

is this just a phase? How much time do I give you after your mom died? Like, do I want to put you in therapy? Do I want to rip you out of school? And now your college is delayed and then do you not go back? Like, he, you know, I think that's the one thing that a lot of times we miss when we're in the chaos. Like, and it's all about us. We forget what we're creating around us, you know?

like the frustration for other people and that we're putting other people in like in chaotic situations to have to try to figure these things out you know yeah then that is a good point too i mean when we're wrapped up in it we are putting people in all of these difficult situations where there is not yeah there's that's not like two plus two right because yeah you're you could take like the tough love approach or you could show grace but you never know how it all is going to turn out, right? So as he's thinking about these, do I pull him out of school and just plug him into rehab? Well, you don't know how that's going to play out. Or do I let him finish school and he's going to outgrow this? Or is there going to be something else? Or is you just going to say, okay,

enough is enough? We do. And I think that that's a really good point to hit home. Because no matter we're out on the spectrum of drinking, whether it's out of control yet, or you're just drinking two beers a night, you're putting people in that love us and that we probably love as well in these spots to have these difficult conversations, but I don't know about you, but when people used to mention to me, I would get so pissed off. Like, what, what do you mean? What, there's nothing to see here. Like, I'm doing, I thought I was doing all right, but for them, for somebody who's not struggling with this, it stands out. Oh, yeah. I had an instant, bro, I was at a party, I'll never forget that, I was at a party one time at Eastern Michigan University and I met a kid.

Cool enough kid. Seenna have a lot of friends. knew a lot of these people, played rugby, didn't drink, and I hated him for it. I remember being at a party meeting this kid, and when I learned that he didn't drink, all of it went away and I hated him for it. Because, and I think it exposed something in me that it was like, I can't be this guy without that. Why do you get to have it without needing what I need? or, you know, like, oh, you think you're better than me because of it. And it's like the one thing, you know, I've talked to a lot of people about this,

this idea of, you know, some of the people that when you do get sober, that might not be as supportive, right? And there are some people that don't want to lose the drinking buddy or the, or they don't want to not be able to invite you to brunch for mimosas. And they don't want to feel insecure around you and, right, for all of the people that, I won't say all for almost for a majority. of the people that when I got sober that were not supportive of it, right? Because I got sober at 22, right? Yeah. And so you're talking 22, 23, 24. Like, we're prime going out, you know, like for all of the people that were in my life that were not supportive and were very vocal

about not being supportive of me, not at two years in or three years, but at eight years in, 10 years in, 11 years in, now 18. Bones are people that have reached out to me for help in getting sober or there are people that are dead. And there are people that aren't here anymore because aspects of this life got them. You know?

And that's real, man. Yeah. You know? And that just, you know, it's real, dude. It's we it had nothing to be with me, right? It's the action. It's knowing that there's something wrong and then not knowing how to process it. And that's why we got to like offer others grace, offer ourselves grace as we're going through this process of getting sober, of getting sober.

We got it. You don't know where people are at, man. I didn't know where I was at. Right? That's the, like, we don't know where we're at half the time. And so to expect that event, like, we just got to, like, we got to hold our boundaries. We got to do stuff that makes sure that we're not putting ourselves in dangerous situations for our own safety and our own sobriety and our own lives. But we also got to showcase that love to others and that grace and appreciate that, like, you know, whether you have 18 days, 18 hours, 18 years, man, like, life keeps coming.

and we got this thing. We got this thing. And we can either choose to do the right things and stay connected with people and go to the meetings and do the work and love on other people, allow other people to love us. You know, well, we white knuckle this thing. And it's just like, man, I don't want to do that. Yeah. No, I mean, there's definitely a huge difference from being involved with something. And as opposed to the white knuckling.

But I see that as sort of where a lot of people start out, right, because of the shame. So I don't want to share this with anybody. I'm weak. I'm broken. I'm this. I'm that. I don't see any truth in any of that. I mean,

I think alcohol is a very, there's a sneaky aspect to it, that it's highly addictive, that it's promoted as sort of this right of passage. And when you turn 21 or when you're 11 and you want to hang out with the older guys, somebody, everybody has sort of their own story that don't vary a whole lot. You know,

about how they kind of got into it, right? And then we just kind of get grabbed. And then there's probably something that happened or some things that happen. It doesn't have to be anything huge. It could be a lot of things that, you know, quote unquote, smaller events that build up and shape who we are and how we feel about ourselves. And alcohol just checks a box. I mean, you said earlier in the episode, too, you don't want to. I think it was something to the effect of like we don't want to say alcohol is good.

But, I mean, my reality was that it really helped me out, man, with making friends with connecting, feeling comfortable. having some confidence and all these weird things. I mean, the stories always ends up the same. It did until it didn't, you know, and then I couldn't quit. I mean, we had a, you know,

a struggle with that, but it really did check some boxes. And then what I got confused with is I thought because it was that way at one point, I thought it was going to do that forever. And I see a lot of people kind of stuck into that. Like, they'll get, you know, maybe 30 days. And then they say, oh, well, you know, I'm good now.

And I know it's out. I know it sounds outlandish, but so many people get stuck here and then I'm good now, I'm cured now, I'm at a better place. Like, whatever the event was, I've moved on from it. So, of course, I can have one.

And then it might be two, three years later before they're even exploring, maybe not drinking again, you know? I think that that's so much of what it is. Like, there's so much, um, it takes time, right? And like, if we've built all the,

it's almost like you're the fish in the water. And then like, the water gets cleaned a little bit. You're like, oh, okay, yeah, cool. It's like, wait, no, this is part of a much bigger pond, bro, and there's way other stuff. And yes, has things, like, that's what we talk about the pink cloud, right? Like, sure, has things gotten better in the short-rotted, yes.

But, like, we're not through this thing. There is no through this thing. This is a journey of understanding and growth, and this is like a lifelong thing, you know, not a lifelong sentence of awful. This is an experience. that we get to like learn more about ourselves, connect more with other people. I was grateful that I just, who for whatever reason it was early on in sobriety,

somebody said to me, you know, they're like, hey man, just like don't compare, just try to relate to something, right? Because I came in, I got sober in Detroit where, you know, at 22, I was the youngest guy in rooms by like 30 years a lot of times, right? There were not a lot of other young people. I mean, LA is different, right? I've gone to meetings here where it's like never had illegal drink, right? People have been sober. They were strung out on heroin at 16, right? So it's plain different. But there was a part of it where

I learned how to like, can I just relate to people? You know, how do I just relate? And I also will say this, man, I actually think I benefited from getting sober in an area where there weren't a lot of people peers. Because I had a very hard time being authentic and real with people that I was like, that I was close in age with, right? Because that's who performative feel needed to win over. If you were a girl in my age range, like, I needed to be that guy, right? If you were a dude, like I needed to prove that I was him, right? Like, there was an element of I had a hard time. Dude, I don't, I'll tell this is an early story from, so I get sober in January, that, that, I think it was June or something, like somewhere right around the, my,

mother's birthday was coming up. And I'm at a meeting in Allen Park, Michigan, and there's two other young people that came in the meeting. I've never seen these two young people before. And it's right around my mom's birthday. And so I'm, I mean, I'm sure you know, there's times where there's, there's dates on the calendar that, like, I get emotional that I don't know why. It's just like, I'm like, why do I feel all messed up? It's like, oh, because it's the anniversary of that thing. So I'm in a meeting and I'm sharing and I'm bawling, bro. Like, I'm, I'm, like, I'm, I'm like, I'm not deep in. I'm not really comfortable in my vulnerability yet.

I'm only a couple months of sobriety. And I'm sitting there and I'm bawling my eyes out, bro, in this meeting, super vulnerable, especially in front of this, like, young guy and young girl that are in my age range that, like, this is, this is all new. Phil's testing the waters. I'm new. And so I share this guy goes to share a young guy. And he goes, yeah, man, I mean, I actually, you know, I'm here for the courts.

Like, I don't really think I'm an alcoholic. And then the girl shares. And she goes, oh, yeah, like, I'm just here to support him. Like, we're just here because we got to get this thing signed. And I remember being that moment in feeling so betrayed by the whole thing, right? And as that betrayal and that shame in that, why does you open your mind? And that a guy at the table stands up. guy named Scott, who I haven't seen in 17 years, but I'll never forget his name.

He wore khaki shorts, even if it was winter. And he looked at them and he goes, hey, you guys, the two of you guys can get up and get the fuck out. And he threw them out of the meeting. And they're like, what? What? And he goes, look, this is a closed meeting. This is for people that are alcoholics. If you're, if you don't like, hey, this isn't the room for you.

and we got these cards he goes it's an anonymous program sign your own cards I don't care sign each other's cards like we can get to leave and he threw them out of the meeting and it obviously

had a pretty powerful impact that I'm sitting here 17 years later telling a story about a guy named Scott who may never even remember that moment right and I'm telling a story about a guy named Mike who stood up at a meeting and was bold and came and called me out of my, look,

that's the level of human connection and interaction and support and value that you can't sign up for anywhere else, that you get into the work and you end up being surrounded by people who are about that business, about being good people, showing up for others, being supportive, being loving,

those guys owe me nothing. I'm a stranger to those guys. and that completely derails the entire thing I grew up of, of feeling like I needed to prove that I was good enough. I needed to prove that I was smart and funny and charismatic. And I needed to prove that I was, these guys provided love and support and acceptance, not because of what I proved,

but because it was who they were. And it's because of the men that they learn how to be. And like, well, that is a very, very special. You know, like that is a special, that is humans showing up for other humans with nothing, with no selfishness of trying to get anything out of it. No one trying to sell me a course.

No one trying to give me to sign up for their email list. Like, it's just people showing up for other people. And I am so grateful that I have had access to that part of our society to see people that are so loving. is pretty remarkable, man. It really is. Yeah, that's that story there too. I mean, just wondering kind of like what happened in that moment. I mean, because you're living up, you know, not all the way up until this point maybe, but it seems like you're sharing. There are still elements of sort of your old self that you're still wondering, like, can I put this down? Can I let that down? What mask should I wear here? How should I operate there?

But maybe in that moment where it was like you were kind of give a, a thumbs up for being authentically true you where the shields went down it's it's weird how people can pick up on that too to where if that if it would have been left at that i think the message that sent your way is like okay shields back up because that was not the way it wanted to go but then you get that support from scott yeah and you're like okay you know maybe there is something here maybe i can't open up more the other people are you know i'm not just going to fall flat on my face here you know maybe the people that are going to catch me. And look, and then it becomes, right, I think, like, you know, anyone that's done any coaching

or stuff out there are these elements of, like, you know, figuring out your, like, limiting beliefs, what's the stuff you believe, what's the new thing you can replace it with? Or having the case studies from your own life of like, oh, I think I'm this way, but how are things another way? Look, man, I'll be honest, dude. I'm, you know, I'm 40 years old. I still go to therapy. And I still will have that moment, right? I still have those moments where I could have the timer off, right?

I'm in therapy. Timers off. I don't know what time it is. Somehow my body instinctually knows four to five minutes before the session ends, something changes. My therapist can see it. I can feel it, right? There is a piece of, in whether it's a Phil Barber thing, whether it's a man in society, whether it's a person in society, whether it's insecurity,

at whatever it is, but there is still a piece of me that goes, all right, bro, the time is up. Put your armor back out. Like, you shielded down for long enough, right? And look, it's, and bro, it's, I've done 90 minute sessions, two hour sessions, an hour session, not watch the clock. And somehow my body just, all right, bro, it's time. You got it out. And now it's time.

And it's almost comical now because I can recognize it. Like, for a while, I never recognized it. Right. I just, all of a sudden, would, I'd be emotional. and then I would just get ripped out of a moment. And it was back. It was like that, it was that kid who's like,

all right, it's time to go play the game. And he's still there, right? And it's like, I have to appreciate the elements of my personality and my development that like, I'm not going to erase the past. I'm never going to be Phil Barth

who didn't lose his mom at 15. Like, that's a piece of me. Now, that's not that I'm doomed to be this guy. right but there are things that i have to appreciate the the path i walked how the cards i was dealt and then i have to be able to be effective in how do i navigate that moving forward and and also what stories do i have along the way to lean on right like that guy that doesn't feel like i should open up i can remember the moment sure sometimes it is difficult but there's the there's the scots of the world that will step up.

And people will show up when you need them to. And so I don't know, man. It's a, yeah. It's fat, you know, like, look, man, we learn a lot. We learn that we don't know a lot. We gain confidence. You know, you get confident that you got this thing sorted and figure out and you know what's going on.

And then something happens and you're like, you know, and then you're emotional with your girlfriend on a Sunday when it was supposed to be. a nice day when you were just going to go hiking and now you're crying because she asked you a question that, you know, I try have come to a place where like my 15 year old me wants to judge the hell on all of it and tell me that I'm not doing, I must be doing something wrong. But like the guy who's been so over 18 years, the guy who goes to the meetings, who's around other men who is able to listen and communicate, understands like, I'm a guy trying to do my best. I'm going to have way more good days than I do bad days.

And if I look at the bad days as an opportunity to learn and to grow. And then if I can use that story or some of those bad days to like maybe help or give some encouragement to somebody else along their path, then we're just doing this thing together, man. And I'm trying to pay it forward for all the amazing people who I've forgotten their names, but they laid a foundation for me to have a better life now, you know, 18 years sober, living in Los Angeles. I'm a television producer.

like I get to live a very amazing life because a lot of strangers showed up in a very powerful way for me. Yeah, beautiful. Yeah, I mean, I want to get to what the producer life is like and what that's all about. But it's interesting you say that too because for that to happen,

you have to put yourself out there. This is where I see so many people get stuck. They want change. They're tired of the way they're living. But I think the truth is, if they were ready to hear it, the honest truth is that they just don't do anything different. You don't get you don't put yourself in the rooms where somebody could reach out or somebody could say something that hey that makes a lot of

sense. So it's about like pushing yourself and putting yourself somewhere so that strangers of some sort can maybe help you out because it's like you said earlier. I can't remember the way you put it, but the way I've heard it is the jar can't read its own label. So it's like we just we just circle the drain about I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to get out. I think a lot of people when they do try to quit drinking, they try, maybe they don't reach their goal, they try, they don't reach your goal, you lose all trust in yourself because you're just like, I've said I'm going to do this and it never works. You know, that really roughs you up. But if you get around the right people, yep, and they say, hey, you know what, that was my story too. And now I am

10 years sober or now I am 15 years sober. Like, just don't give up on yourself. Just, you know, the only person, I know it's going to sound, might sound really weird to some people it does. but the only person that can relapse is somebody who's actually trying to quit drinking. So that in itself is a huge win as opposed to somebody who just lacks the awareness that alcohol is destroying their life. So that's like one step in the right direction.

But I love the way you put that and how important all the strangers and everybody has been in your life, right? That has helped you build such a solid foundation. But to get that, it's like we've got to put ourselves out there It's uncomfortable. It's kind of strange. It's different, but there's so many benefits from it. Oh, yeah. And look, man, if you're looking for a new job, right, like you got to talk with people that are in the industry, right? Like, you got to be trying to network and hear and be, you got to be in the conversation or you're on the outside looking in, right? Like, if you really, like, you want to get drunk, you go to the liquor store. Well, you want to get drunk. You have to go to the bar.

There are things that, you know, you do and you don't overthink it. Like you just, oh, that's where I got to go do that. Right. And but we haven't walked the path before. We're getting sober and we don't know how to do it or we don't know people that are sober. I mean, number one, the first benefit, if you're listening to this podcast, you're already doing something in the right space. Right. Like you're curious about sobriety, right?

So at least you've done, you know, someone hearing this has done enough to be in this, conversation. And that's what it is. It's just, okay, what's the next thing can you do? Can you go to a meeting? Could you go to one more? Could you reach out to somebody? Could you give someone to your phone number? Can you check in with somebody? There's so many things that we can do. Yeah. We overthink stuff. It's what we all do. It's not you're broken because you overthink. Go to an AA meeting or go to recovery and ask people if they overthink. Hands are going up. Ask them to think, you know, is there a doubt? Yeah. Put, your hand up. Like that's, that doesn't discreet. That doesn't, you know, there's so many times where I'll be in a

meeting or I won't want to go to a meeting or I'll be feeling down about myself and I'll walk into a meeting and guys will share. And it doesn't make me feel like I'm in the wrong meeting. It immediately makes me know I'm in the right place. Because these are other people with a brain that operates in the same way that mine does. And that doesn't discredit me from the world. It's, It's just how my brain works. We overthink. We do crazy stuff, you know? I was thinking about the other thing you,

the other thing you mentioned earlier too. I can't remember the exact word you used for it, but the whole idea that like I'm completely different than everybody else, you know? Like how do you, that's relatable. I can't think of the word you used. And I have another word out. The other.

Yeah, just like what they're doing doesn't apply to me. I think it was when you're talking about it. Oh, entitled. Like entitlement. Yeah, like comparing your story to others. But instead of comparing, like, find something that's relatable. Totally. Because I think we can convince ourselves that like we're unique.

I'm just unique individual and nobody else can relate to sort of what I'm going through or what I've been through. And I think that that can keep us stuck too because then it's like where do we go for help or are we going to accept help from other people? How did you work through like sort of that in the early days? I think there was, I mean, obviously, like I said, dude, I did a lot of, you know, performative stuff early on that kept me still pretty unseen from people. Or I would, I would like leak little things, right? I would share little bits of information and see how, you know, and test, I was like testing the waters. But I mean, the truth is, man, if you, the one thing is, you know, if you do start getting into recovery and you start meeting people, you start hearing other people's stories, you, you, I, man, I, man, I don't. actually gotten a lot of encouragement from listening to other people share some really difficult

things. And I hate to say this, but there's, I mean, I won't put anyone on blast, but somebody comes to mind, I can remember a guy sharing about something that was pretty traumatic in his life and not just was traumatic of what happened to him, but it was something that could bring a lot of shame and judgment from outside. And he stood in front of a group of men and shared this pretty difficult thing and it gave me strength to be able to be like, man, if this guy can get up there and share and be honest, like, and seem like he's got peace about it, I want that. Like, how do I get in like maybe the first step is like, can I share? And then like he was speaking in front of the big group of guys. He shared this thing. And it was one of those moments where everyone was

like, whoa, I didn't not know that about you and, right? And then I feel like there was a, I was able to walk away from that. And then I was able to then share some things about me in a smaller group. And I gained strength from this guy getting out there and sharing his thing. And I remember that was a very, that was a pretty pivotal moment for me in being able to address some shames and guilt and frustrations that I had. And it was, you know, I asked in that, and then I will say this, man, I remember doing my doing my fourth step with that, with that sponsor. And I remember sitting and telling him some things, you know, you write things down in, in the safety and comfort of your own environment.

And then when it comes to that place where you actually do need to share it, you know, when I shared it to be able to look, not look him in the eye, because I'm bawling and I'm, I'm looking everywhere, but in his eye. and then for him to then look at me directly in the face and be like, hey, Phil, do you know that that's okay? And to have somebody look at you, see you and tell you that this thing that you, this secret that you've been letting grow in the dark is okay. I don't know the science of it. I don't know the magic of it. I don't know how it works or why it works.

I don't know if that's God. I don't know what it is. But there are some moments that if you show up for yourself and allow others to show up for you, I guarantee there will be some moments in each of our lives that where a shift happens, where there is a piece where look, there's things in life that can happen negatively

that you're never the same person on the other end again. And I also believe there's a lot of moments that if we choose to see it this way and we show up, there's a lot of really amazing, positive things that can happen in our lives that if we choose to see it that way, changes our lives for the better forever. And I want to be the type of guy that highlights those moments more than I want to sit and relive all the bad stuff that I've ever done.

And I don't know if that answered the question, but. Yeah, that's great. Great job, Pellup. Heading towards wrapping up a couple more minutes here. So the last 18 years of sobriety and 40 years kind of of your life here. I mean, what are your big takeaways from this journey? What has it taught you? What have you learned?

What would you like to share with others? Man, I was at my 40th birthday party. a couple weeks ago. And it was one of those things where, you know, I didn't really want to throw a party. I was kind of like in that like, I don't celebrate you. Like, you know,

I don't want to celebrate myself or blah, blah, blah, blah. I ran into a buddy and he, you know, a couple weeks before, a couple months before and gave me a hard time about not wanting to celebrate. And so I said, fine, I'll put together a party.

And so I threw this party, um, through this, through this birthday party up in, uh, in West Hollywood. And my sister flew out from Detroit. her boyfriend came out.

My friends from L.A. are there. These people that have made my life so special. Some A.A. guys are there. You know, cigar buddies, work friends, people that I've built these relationships with. And then talking, you know, I really wanted to bring people together. And then talking with people afterward, everyone being like, bro, these are just,

these are just loving people. They're like, I haven't been in a room that felt so, there are so many people that just had so much love for you and then because of the love for you they had respect for one another and everyone was just getting along and having a good time and meeting and it's like that and I had a moment where I'm at the party and I step aside and I started to feel frustrated with myself because it was frustrating to be filled I preach and I talk so much to people about community and how important it is to be there for your people and show up for your friends and take care of it is a human existence that we are doing and we have to do it and yet i say all these things all of the time and then i'm and then i go and i get caught up in the stuff of this world about money and about my career and about am i making enough am i far enough along do i have the significance enough. Do I have enough status? Or do we have enough followers? Do I like all other,

why are there not more opportunities coming in? And it's like I, I, I get frustrated because I know I've been around it long enough. And I know I've been on some, you know, I did a show for Netflix a couple years ago. We went to six countries in South Africa, Australia, Japan, Maldives, these amazing things that on paper you want to brag about. None of it, there's not one moment on any of those trips that compared to being at my birthday party surrounding with people that I love and care about.

Yet I forget that. I forget that I have this very special thing in these people and I then think that I'm somehow my paycheck or that I am my job title. You know, and so I think that one of the biggest takeaways is a, you know, Most men only need to learn something once, but they need to be constantly reminded.

And there's a lot of stuff that I've learned, that I constantly need new reminders about to read for us. But left to my own devices, I will do the things that the world is telling me to do. I will do the stuff. I will chase the things that the world is telling me to go and chase. But when I'm calm, when I'm centered, when I've meditated, when I'm talking to my sponsor, when I'm going to meetings, when I'm showing up for other people, when I'm being of service, I'm not thinking about my paycheck or my bank account or any of, none of that matters. And that's where I'm the most filled.

When I'm the most filled in my heart, it isn't because I'm swiping the credit card on some fancy dinner. You know, I'm most filled in my heart when I am in community with people that I love and that love me or that at least if they're a stranger that we can share and connect over something, it is connection. And right, people say it all the time, like the opposite of addiction is connection, right? Like being connected with people. And I really, I really have come to believe that

in my, you know, 40-some years and some change. Yeah. Wow, man. Thanks for sharing that with us, too. You know, I can see how difficult that can be. And I mean, a lot of that is relatable, too, of, you know, wanting to live one way and then kind of being frustrated too of that note always being the thing there and trying to bounce back and kind of the way I feel like this is a a goal post moving society right where you hit one thing and you're like okay but that even before this part in my life I draw that all the way back to like my earlier days before addiction no matter what it was it was never good enough if I had 24 beers it was never good enough I won up 30 if I had whatever drugs it didn't matter or if I had the girlfriend or I just got the new apartment or the new car.

Just wanted more. It was never, yeah, it was never good enough. Yeah, and I think that over time I have to recalibrate too, like what you said, too, about, yeah, I mean, you got it. We have to find that peace or at least be actively pursuing it or working on it or be aware of it about what's stealing our piece and try to get back to sort of that baseline of what we have is enough. And I sort of have this, you know, deep-seated belief, too, that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, you know, in life. And then sometimes that, you know, sometimes that's great, right? Everything's great. Of course, Brad.

But when things suck, I'm like, okay, that sucks. But, you know, you don't know the good without sort of the other side, too. So if every day was just a winner, winners, winners would be kind of blah as well. So thanks for sharing that, man. Yeah, for sure. Anything else? Anything else before we wrap up? Honestly, man, we could go for days, but I do think we probably, you know, there's probably enough.

And, you know, I think there's enough and for now. But, you know, the one thing I'll say, if somebody is, you watch this whole thing and you're still hanging out with us at the end, A, thank you so much for your time and being willing to hang out with us. But I love to hear from you, man. Like, if you did watch this, hit me up on Instagram. And, you know, just even let me know that. Like, hey, man, I heard it or something that resonated, you know, or even though, hey, man,

I listen to your whole thing. I think you're full of shit because that's been a powerful thing for me in the house as well. But no, I mean, honestly, just, you know, it's at Philip Barb, right? I'm pretty easy to find, you know, I do coaching, TV producing,

I work on dancing with stars. You know, I'm always willing to talk with people and hear what's going on. And also, look, if you're hearing, you liked it, like share it with somebody that you think would benefit from the conversation. You don't have to share the whole thing, find a little snippet that you like

can share it. And I just, hey, man, I appreciate you letting me come on and talk. And it's been, like I said, we've been, you know, connected for a long time. And it's nice to finally do this. And I appreciate the opportunity. And it's great to meet you finally. Yeah, man, you too. Yeah, thank you so much. What is the expression, man? The loudest booze always come from the cheapest seats. If somebody doesn't like something, man, you're going to hear from them. But that's all good. I mean, that's part of it. Everything doesn't hit for everybody. And that's that acceptance part two. That's something I've had to learn, right? Because I'm like, hey, I'm putting 10, 15 hours a week into the podcast and then somebody doesn't like it. I'm like my soul's crushed,

but that's okay. I mean, some people like stuff and some people like pizza and some don't, you know, I mean, it's all good, man. It's okay. I was on a podcast with a buddy of mine who, it's all entertainment based, but he has these rapid fire questions. And the first rapid fire question is pizza or tacos. If people just absolutely, And then he did one that was like a compilation of his first 20 episodes. And it was just people picking pizza tacos. And people were losing their minds. Lones in their minds about how could you ever think pizza?

How could you ever like a taco? We love to argue. We like, I think it's, we're all so similar that we, that we pince each other off because we really are just mirrors of ourselves in the things that we get angry about with ourselves. But, yeah, man, I can't even stop talking. I'm going to be done. Thank you so much for having me out, man. I appreciate you.

Thank you to everybody that listened. I'll hit us up and I'm done now. Turn him on, like off. Thanks, man. Well, there it is, everyone. Another incredible episode here on the podcast. Thank you to Philip for jumping on here and sharing his story with all of us. Like he said, send him a message on Instagram.

I'll drop his contact details for Instagram down to the show notes below. If you love the show, drop a comment, YouTube, Spotify, or a review on Apple. see you on the next one.